Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 11

Exposed! 5 Myths of BDSM You Should Know

This is a guest post by Rachel M.

For novice level masochists at play, who are curious about BDSM, make sure to get all your facts straight. So, before you go full-throttle, humiliating and whipping your partner, collect everything there’s to know first—and don’t rely on what you see in the media. Are you ready to learn? It’s time to debunk the most common myths surrounding BDSM, clearing up all the shades of gray once and for all! Here we go—no safety word needed!

Myth #1 – BDSM Aims to Inflict Pain

Unlike what you might see in the movies, BDSM is not exclusively dedicated to inflicting pain. Sexual sadism, on the other hand, is all about getting turned on by causing harm to others. Comparatively, BDSM focuses more on the role-playing of such acts, while maintaining a safe environment and preventing danger and injury, explains Sex Expert Debra Soh in her article, “Common BDSM Myths.” Basically, at its core, BDSM is about sexual freedom and exploration within the confines of safety.

Myth #2 – The Dominant Partner Controls Everything

When picturing the dominant partner, nearly everyone imagines a kinky control-freak punishing their partner doggy style. Is this necessarily the case? Of course not! In fact, the submissive partner can also take an authoritative role; guiding and instructing the dominant partner through each act. In many cases, it’s actually the submissive partner who calls the shots—“faster, softer” etc.

Myth #3 – There’s Always Leather and Chains

Does BDSM always require buck wild leather outfits and metal props? For some, yes, but this is certainly not a requirement. Your BDSM pleasures can involve any type of costume or toys, from an innocent tickling feather to a rock hard vibrating dildo—the options are completely up to you.

For couples who would like to test the erotic waters with bondage, a beginner level restraint system will add some fire between the sheets. “Usually these systems come with a total of four wrist and ankle cuffs so you can strap your partner’s arms and legs to the bed,” suggests Sex Expert Bobby Box in his article, “Best Sex Toys for Couples.”

Whether it’s heavy chains or just cutesy furry pink handcuffs, there’s no right or wrong when it comes to props.

Myth #4 – BDSM is Merciless

Despite what you’ve heard or seen, a victim on their knees wailing in erotic pain is not a must for BDSM. It doesn’t have to be violent and merciless in order to be effective.

Couples who are engaging in some rougher power struggles are not basing their interactions on cruelty and brutality. And if there is any humiliation or physical tension involved, it’s consensual and in the best interest of pleasuring the submissive partner—not harming them! Conversely, sexual abuse involves the “intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent,” reveals Jan Hall in her article, “Domestic Violence in the S/M Community” for the Pandora Project, an online support group for survivors of rape and sexual abuse.

Myth #5 – Sex Must be Involved

Did you know that BDSM doesn’t actually require any physical contact at all? You can also entice arousal simply through your words. For some, there’s no hotter lasso than the lure of some tantalizing audio.

For example, some people have a fetish for feeling disgraced in the bedroom, while making themselves obedient to the dominant. But, this roleplay doesn’t need to become physical. Beyond sex, some explicit dirty talk will also do the trick. This form of stimulation can take on many forms, from fantasy dialogue to degrading demands — all relying on non-physical incitement to get off. Yes, words are a powerful sex tool.

Now that we’ve demystified all the rumors about BDSM, you can try putting your new knowledge to the test. And remember, safety first!

Rachel M. is an experimental sex deviant who loves all things both naughty and nice. Her fetishes include power struggles and restraints with a special interest in role playing. Her experiences have been shared in popular blogs, including Your Tango and Slutty Girl Problems.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 20, 2017 07:00

Ask Anything – Letting Him Know I’m Committed to Him

Dear Submissive Guide,

I am finally at ease with my Daddy Dom, ready to move on in our relationship, giving him my trust which has been hard for me, because of past abuses. Even thinking of myself as ‘little” for him was hard at first. But I so enjoy the simple nature of the relationship. But, this morning, in a candid adult mannered conversation that we leave time for everyday, Daddy confided, he has fear in trusting me! Others have grown and moved on leaving him broken hearted. In essence he is afraid I too will move on, and he says of all his submissive relationships, I am the one girl he doesn’t think he could ever let go, I’m his world. I’m humbled, awed, inspired, and concerned. I’ve been afraid of him getting sick of me and leaving me! Now to find he fears losing me? How did neither of us get to this conversation sooner? And how do I assure him, I have NO intention of leaving him. He makes me happier then I have ever been. I want him to know his Collar is on me permanently if HE so chooses.

We are both Christian, though different denominations so we alternate Sunday’s and in essence have 2 “home church’s”. Should I hint or tell him if he’d like the additional collar of a wedding ring and piece of paper, I am more then happy to say ‘I do” in front of our family and friends in a traditional Christian ceremony? He knows I take my vows within the church very seriously. I’m just wondering as a woman, and a submissive, how do I offer this option to him or should I?

Sincerely,
Devoted

Dear Devoted,

I am so happy that you’ve found your Daddy and embraced your little side. Both can be very hard for many of us – especially since, even with BDSM, there is a stigma against the DD/lg dynamic.

The only way to “prove” yourself and your honest intentions with your Daddy is to continue to be there for him, consistently doing what you say you’ll do. Earning trust and having someone believe a relationship they want is real can take time – as you probably know very well.

It’s wonderful to hear that you already have time set aside to have the “adult conversations” you need to have to maintain your relationship and keep the lines of communication open. Since you already have this, hopefully my next piece of advice won’t come as a shock.

Don’t hint at anything. Tell him. If you think it may still be too early for any long-term commitment, make it clear that this isn’t something you expect to happen right away. But if you are looking for a long-term commitment, a marriage, a collar, or something more formal – tell him.

Yes, as his submissive you are free to tell him what you want and need – even when those wants and needs don’t directly relate to your kink or your power exchange. Remember, no matter what flavor your relationship is, you’re still two people trying to build something together. Don’t ever think you shouldn’t tell him something because you’re a submissive or a woman. How will he ever know what you want if you don’t tell him?

A word of advice from a submissive who’s own Daddy Dom doesn’t always give me exactly what I want – just because you have the conversation doesn’t mean he’ll respond the way you expect. He may tell you he needs time. He may say he’s not ready. He may simply tell you he has to think about it. All of these are valid responses. Don’t freak out or think you shouldn’t have said anything. You’ve done your part by sharing your desires with him. Now you need to let him process what you’ve said.

In my own relationship, I made it clear early on that I was looking for a long-term commitment and that (for me) a collar was as serious as a wedding vow. While it wasn’t something we talked about often, it set the expectation for the direction of our relationship. Two years later, we’re engaged to be married and there will be a collar involved. Saying something about it now doesn’t mean either of you have to act on it immediately – it simply helps make sure you’re both on the same page and that, eventually, you can both decide if you want the same thing for your relationship.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 18, 2017 07:00

Self-Esteem and Unsolicited Advice – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection, and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

How’s your self-esteem? Do you feel good about the person looking back at you from the mirror? If not, you are not alone. Four in every five women have low self-esteem (Dove Global Beauty and Confidence Report). Did you know that how you feel about how you look has an impact in how you submit? Do you think you are giving it your all if you feel like your Dominant’s looks should be avoided, that you need to keep him from touching you or that you want to hide yourself away? I understand. I am one of you.

My self-esteem is terrible. I’m a fat person and I have let that rule my world for far too long. I know I can embrace my fat and become body positive, but that’s not what I want for myself. I want to be healthier and that means getting fit and losing weight. The sheer weight of that prospect can cripple even the most hopeful person. But it must be done.

When you first embark on changing how you feel about your body, be it with diet, exercise or therapy (self or with someone) you are likely to encounter the wall of unsolicited advice that people will bash on you. I know the advice is meant to help you and give you a push in the right direction. But I personally hate it. “You should just eat this or that, or go walking 4 times a week,” or whatever else they want to pass my way. I want to reply, “Oh really, that’s it huh, you’ve lived in my body and walked in my shoes to know what will work for me or think that I’m completely clueless on how to make the right changes?”

Ask any fat person if they know how to diet, and the majority will probably spout more information about how calories work, what good fats are, what a balanced plate of food looks like and how to incrementally increase your work out to maximize fat burn than you ever will. Because we are fat does not mean we don’t know how to diet and lose weight. In fact, fat people are the ones that are always on a diet, always reading dieting tips and weight loss ideas. Knowing how is not the issue. Our self-esteem is.

Weight isn’t the only reason people suffer from self-esteem but it’s the one I have experience with. I know your struggle is personal, but if you want to talk about it you can do so in the comments. I want you to know that I will keep the comments clear of critique and harshness. It will be a safe place. (Comments will be monitored.)

If you are one of the many who suffer from low self-esteem, I hope you can find the motivation to begin repairing the damage it’s causing you. It’s making you unhappy and it’s dragging down any relationships you might be in. Change isn’t easy, we all have heard that. But the rewards, oh the rewards are so worth it.

And if you now someone that is trying to make changes, don’t offer them advice. Give them a smile and a nod. Acknowledge their progress, not what you think they should do to change things. We’re doing our best, at our pace. And the support and gentle hand are what we need to keep improving.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 16, 2017 07:00

Ask lunaKM – What Should I Expect from My Dominant?

Luna, what is reasonable to expect from a dominant in exchange for submission and service? I realize everyone is different, but when a sub is not being financially supported and is doing household care and management, handling the everyday paperwork of bill paying, handling home repair calls, etc.; assuming her Dom is loving, caring, what else can she expect? Love and gratitude for her service? When we talk about a Dom protecting his sub, what does that mean ? I am looking at entering a relationship with a man as his slave, full time. I know you and Knyghtmare have a full-time M/s relationship and you have the household management. What sorts of things does he provide for you, if that is not too personal?
To clarify, I would not be supporting him financially. I am talking only about paperwork.

Hi there,

That’s quite a list of heavy questions! When you begin thinking about a D/s relationship and what you have to offer, it’s always a good plan to know what you want from the Dominant as well. But if you are new, knowing what to expect is a challenge. But there is definitely a way to get the answers to your questions and know that the relationship you are building is the right one for you.

KnyghtMare and I do have an M/s relationship but it didn’t start that way and the advice I’m about to give you is what I suggest everyone do when considering a power exchange relationship. Talk. Negotiate. Get to know the person, find out what they expect from you. Figure out what you are willing to provide. Decide if love and romance are going to be a part of the relationship. Continue talking. Do not agree to be submissive to them until you know what is expected of you and can tell them what you expect in return. If love and romance is a part of your relationship plans then make sure that is progressing. Remember, you are trying to establish a relationship, not a career or a job. So treat it like you would a relationship, date, get to know one another and have fun. This isn’t the time for interviewing them and grilling someone with questions.

You are right that everyone has different needs and what to expect from their Dom but there isn’t anything that all Doms should provide all submissives and visa versa. You have a lot of mental work to do to figure out the answers to your questions.

What do you want from power exchange? Do you want love and gratitude for your service? Do you want to find love and maybe marriage? What about children? If you don’t want them to be the sole breadwinner, make sure that is part of your negotiations. (It’s not common that the submissive doesn’t have a job, the opposite is more common.) What are your basic needs? Do you want your Dominant to provide those for you?

When people talk of a Dom protecting his sub that could mean so many things. It could be that they hold a possessive hand when out in public, that they have health insurance and life insurance set up for them if something happens to the Dom. Everyone has a different opinion on what “protecting” means and the important thing to note is if you and the Dom you are talking with have the same opinion on those types of topics.

What KnyghtMare provides me is probably a bit more than what you might be looking for since we are also husband and wife. He takes care of me; he loves me and provides me with anything I might need. We are best friends so we can hang out and enjoy our time together watching movies or going out to eat. He also provides me love, romance, sex and play and a way to express my own desires. He makes the majority of the income so he gives me an allowance so that I can get the things that I enjoy like haircuts, journals and adult coloring books. When I’m stressed he’s a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and so much patience and compassion that it’s overflowing. All of my basic needs are taken care of and I’m happy around him. This is what we need from each other.

It took us years to be sure we were getting everything we needed from each other. It’s not a fast process but it feels right so we’ve done something good. Our needs are met and our love is strong. It makes our M/s work well. Your choices could be different. As long as it works for you and makes you happy and fulfilled then that’s all that matters.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 11, 2017 07:00

Book Review: Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction by Raven Kaldera and Del Tashlin

Broken-Toys-Submissives-with-Mental-SDL321683648-1-c10b6

There are a lot of us in the lifestyle who deal with mental illness or a type of neurological dysfunction. There are numerous groups on Fetlife and articles on the Internet dealing with being in a power exchange relationship when having a mental illness. Unfortunately, there aren’t that many sources about being in a power exchange relationship having a neurological dysfunction. I stumbled across Raven Kaldera and Del Tashlin’s Broken Toys: Submissives and Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction, I had to get it. By now you know how much I love and Raven Kaldera’s work and Del Tashlin has given a lot of presentations on kink/BDSM as well as polyamory and several other topics. Another reason I got this book, other than Kaldera being involved is because I suffer from a mental illness. I am bipolar. I know I’m not the only bipolar slave out there, but like most things, people who suffer from a mental illness or a neurological disorder, feel alone, isolated, like they’re the only ones out there who are dealing with whatever illness they have. This book is a great source of essays by both s-types and dominants of s-types who suffer from either mental illness, neurological disorders, or both.

In the forward written by Kaldera, he explains about the struggles he and his slave Joshua had while trying to deal with Joshua’s depression and Asperger’s Syndrome. At first, Kaldera’s slave was embarrassed to talk about his issues with depression during classes they were giving. Then afterwards they would have people coming up to them afterwards asking how to deal with their partner’s depression. That is when both Kaldera and his slave realized they could no longer stay silent and by staying silent, they were doing more harm than good.

He also said that he chose the title Broken Toys in honor of the website by the same name, their first shy attempt to create resources for masters who had s-types who suffer from mental illness and neurological disorders. Kaldera also says that this book is no way comprehensive as they couldn’t find people to write on every topic and that the advice that is given is no way a substitute for seeking professional attention.

The book is divided up into four sections; Slave in the Pit: Mood Disorders, Trial by Fire: Trauma, On the Borderline: Borderline Personality Disorders, and Head Glitches: Neurological Dysfunction. Most of the essays are written by the s-type themselves and a few of them are written by both the dominant and the s-type together. This is a book that is really worth reading if you suffer from mental illness or a neurological disorder. Reading this book really helps with curing that “you’re all alone in the world” feeling and see that there are others out there who struggle with the same issues you do and despite those issues, are able to find themselves happy in stable power exchange relationships with their partners. The contributors talk about the bumps in the road and the occasional setbacks, as well as all the trial and errors with finding the correct medication and how they’ve had to adjust their relationships to make things work the best for them.

I did read all the essays in the book even though the first section really pertains to me, I still found every essay and interview extremely educating and insightful. While what works for one relationship, doesn’t always work for another, it doesn’t hurt to try and there are a lot of great ideas that may work in your dynamic if the s-type suffers from a mental or neurological disorder that have worked for the authors of these essays. While this book is about s-types(Kaldera and Tashlin have a companion book Mastering Minds: Dominants with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction), it’s a valuable book for both dominants and s-types both to read and it also is a great way to start a discussion about these topics.

My favorite essay in the entire book is one of the introductory essays by Del Tashlin. In his essay “When You’re the Broken Toy”, he states what responsibilities s-types have to their dominants and potential dominants when it comes to dealing with whatever mental or neurological disorder you’re suffering from. Important points such as your dominant is not responsible for treatment of your illness, that it’s your responsibility to be open about possible triggers and disclosing information of your illness with your partner.

If you are a s-type who suffers from a mental or neurological disorder, or both, I can’t recommend this book enough. It truly is one of a kind and full of great information and perspectives. You can buy a copy of Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction on Amazon and at Alfred Press.

Book Information:

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10

Paperback: 256 Pages

Publisher: Alfred Press (September 5, 2014)

ISBN-1o: 0990544117

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 10, 2017 07:00

Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol (Part 1 of 7) – General Principles

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 10-9-16

by Ambrosio. This was first published on Ambrosio’s site and has a free to distribute license. Abrosio dedicated this article to Beverly M. in Austin.

Good Manners vs. Correct Protocol

“Manners are of more importance than laws. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe in.”

~ Edmund Burke

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”

~ Emily Post

Etiquette and protocol enable peaceful interactions and avoid unnecessary conflict. There’s a well known anecdote that illustrates this: A wealthy society matron — sometimes identified as Queen Victoria, sometimes identified as a Vanderbilt or Astor — was hosting a lavish formal dinner. One of her guests was from another country and he was not familiar with “finger bowls.” He didn’t realize that the bowls of water with a slice of lemon floating in them were for cleaning fingers. He picked up the bowl and drank from it. Rather than embarrassing him with a correction, the hostess picked up her own bowl and drank from it. Soon all the other dinner guests followed suit.

They might not have followed the correct protocol but they were practicing good manners. In short, protocol and etiquette are not meant to ostracize and humiliate. Those who do so are practicing non-consensual abuse.

Essential Guidelines in the BDSM Scene
Avoid making assumptions
Be honest
Be self aware: know your own wants, needs, and limitations.
Don’t touch someone else’s property without permission — whether it is a toy or a person
Be tolerant
Respect other people
Respect other people’s relationships
Respect other people’s sexuality
Respect other people’s gender identification

Be polite: Say “please” and “thank you” and apologize when you should.
Dominant does not mean domineering
Submissive does not mean doormat
Be discreet
Negotiate play and play consensually
Don’t scare the vanillas
The actions of the submissive or slave reflect on the dominant.
The choice of dominant reflects on the taste and values of the submissive.
Desirable Virtues and Values

“Leather challenges a great many of our assumptions about pain and pleasure, about morality, relationships, integrity, fetish and taboo, sexuality and sexual orientation, and about power and authority. None of this may be immediately apparent when we walk into our first leather bar or join our first kinky newsgroup. Initially we find that kinky sex is about partying and playing.”

- Jack Rinella

Desirable virues and values in the BDSM and Leather scenes include:

Empathy for others
Desire to learn
Concern for safety
Honesty and integrity
Investment in the community
Sense of humor and an willingness to laugh at oneself
Flexibility
Listening and communication skills
Self knowledge
Avoiding Assumptions

“Euclid taught me that without assumptions there is no proof. Therefore, in any argument, examine the assumptions.”

- Eric Temple Bell

BDSM is something most of us have fantasized about for a long time before we are exposed to it in reality. It’s natural that our concept of BDSM is more often based on works of fiction — like Pauline Reage’s Story of O, Ann Rice’s “Beauty” Trilogy, or John Norman’s “Gor” series — rather than the non-fiction guides like S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman or Learning the Ropes by Race Bannon. It’s easy to build up an elaborate fantasy that doesn’t really prepare us for the mundane “normal” reality of ordinary people forming real human relationships.

Larry Townsend explains this in The Leatherman’s Handbook:

Enjoy what literature you will, but your training will come entirely through experience. Never confuse the two. What you read is somebody else’s fantasy — at best, his idea of how the scene should work. What you do is your reality. (p. 46)

If you are just getting involved it’s good to take a low-key, slow paced approach. Start by finding out what’s expected of you and what you can expect from your new community. Attend socials, meet people, observe, and ask questions. Get to know people on a human level without concerning yourself too much with roles.

Tolerance and Acceptance

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.”

~ H. Jackson Brown

“Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”

- George Lucas

In BDSM there is no one true path. The greater BDSM scene consists of a lot of different styles — Old Guard, Gorean, Biblical, European, etc., — with contrasting traditions and expectations. There’s very little that we all can agree on. Even the seemingly self evident maxim that all play should be Safe, Sane, and Consensual has its dissenters in the people who advocate Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK.)

But if there is one image of BDSM that predominates the popular preception of BDSM in North America it’s the style known as “Leather.” While the terms “Leather” and “BDSM” are often used interchangeably and while there are many heterosexual couples who identify as being into the “Leather Lifestyle,” historically “Leather” connotes “Gay” Leather. Historical scholarship aside, Gay Leather is where the organized BDSM scene is popularly perceived as having started for North Americans. It is commonly accepted that the mostly gay leathermen first started gathering in large groups, forming their own clubs, and organizing events in the 1940s and 1950s. It wasn’t until a few decades later that predominantly heterosexual groups formed and when they did, they adopted many of the symbols and traditions of the gay leather groups that preceeded them. It should follow that the pansexual BDSM community should be largely accepting of Gay people and gay culture. But there are exceptions.

Homophobia is repugnant enough by itself but it becomes repugnant and ridiculous when practiced by straight bigots who adopt the traditions of the minority they fear and denigrate — kind of like a white supremist who loves rap music.

If you’re a straight man or woman in the BDSM scene it’s very likely that you’ll have opportunities to participate in a fund raiser at the leather bar or an educational event organized by a leather club such as NLA Dallas’s “Beyond Vanilla” weekend. They can be a great opportunity to learn something and form valuable friendships with good people with whom you might have more in common with than any of your straight vanilla friends.

Should you attend a fund raiser or other event at a leather bar, be circumspect. Don’t overtly draw attention to your orientation. You’re in a sanctuary where gay men and women can be comfortable and open about their orientation and it’s inconsiderate to be “in their face” about your own heterosexuality. If you get some undue admiration, don’t panic, take offense, and explain petulantly that you’re “negative 10 in the Kinsey scale.” That implies that you view homosexuality as something repugnant with which you are loath to be identified. Just accept it as a sincere compliment and decline gracefully with a brief explanation like “I’m not available, but thank you” or “You’re great for my ego, but I’m spoken for.” If someone asks about your orientation then by all means answer truthfully — but don’t draw undue attention to your orientation.

Furthermore, it should go without saying that this is not the place to pursue a liaison with the opposite sex. (Stranger things have happened but you risk making an annoying pest of yourself if you try.)

In summary, respect alternatives. Homophobia, racism, and BDSM don’t mix. But then again, what does mix well with homophobia and racism?

Honesty and Integrity

“Where is there dignity unless there is honesty?”

- Cicero

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”

- Spencer Johnson

Consensuality is dependant on honesty.

It happens on occasion that couples will get married before realizing they are sexually incompatible. One is hopelessly vanilla and repulsed by BDSM while the other is hopelessly kinky and bored by vanilla. I sympathize with the dilemma of a spouse who is sexually unfulfilled but can’t leave the relationship. I can understand why they might choose to seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage. But I don’t have sympathy for someone who lies about having a spouse or forgets to mention it to potential lovers or play partners. They are seeking to involve someone in a non consensual act of adultery.
If you are a novice looking for a someone to play with let them know you are new to the scene. Everyone has to start somewhere. Being a novice does not make you a bad player but lying about your level of experience is dangerous for everyone. Your partners have the right and need to know how experienced you are. I was fortunate in that my first BDSM relationship was with a very knowledgeable and patient woman who — while submitting to me — taught me some of my most important lessons in BDSM.

BDSM is very intimate. It’s only right and proper to be completely honest with anyone you involve yourself with in the scene.

Dominant vs. Domineering

“Courtesy is as much a mark of a gentleman as courage.”

- Theodore Roosevelt

“A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

- Oscar Wilde

“Be cautious of those who confuse kindness with weakness.”

- Noah ben Shea

There’s an understandable but regrettable tendency to confuse the role of the dominant with being domineering. You don’t have to be overbearing to be a dominant. (Just as you have to be a throw rug to be a submissive.) It’s possible to be polite and dominant.

Don’t be pushy; Don’t coerce. Don’t force your attentions on someone who doesn’t want them. This sends a very bad message: No one wants to play with someone who is too pushy. Dominants don’t like pushy submissives and submissives can’t trust a coercive dominant. If the dominant won’t accept a submissive’s “no” in the public setting is it likely the dominant will accept the limits of an isolated, defenseless submissive in bondage?

Discretion

“If thou are a master, be sometimes blind; if a servant, sometimes deaf.”

- Thomas Fuller

BDSM is usually a very private part of people’s lives. If word gets out of a person’s involvement it could cost him his livelihood, his standing in the community, and even custody of his children. Don’t talk about someone else’s activities in BDSM to anyone outside our community that doesn’t have a right and need to know. BDSM groups take privacy very seriously. They have been known to revoke membership over the matter.

People in the scene are usually known by their first names or “scene names” (pseudonyms.) The obvious exception is when they are in an intimate relationship. They would also share their last name with someone with whom they wanted to play, and who required identification and/or references.

Don’t Scare the Vanillas

“Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd.”

- Bertrand Russell

“No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.”

- Edmund Burke

It could be argued that this maxim is an extension of the guideline for being discreet or a further elaboration of the mantra of “Safe, Sane, Consensual” but because it deserves special attention, it gets a section of its own.

This Maxim is known by several variations:

Don’t scare the vanillas
Don’t scare the (little) old ladies
Don’t scare the villagers
Don’t scare the horses

Whomever it is that doesn’t get scared, the meaning is the same: don’t intimidate people outside our community. But more specifically it means “don’t force your kink on someone who doesn’t share it” and “don’t expose it to someone underage.”

Sometimes at large leather events at hotels, people who are normally discreet in their own neighborhoods are swept away by a sense of community and solidarity into a false sense of invulnerability. They can make error judgments about what is appropriate to wear or how to behave in the more public areas of the hotel. Not only is it horribly inappropriate to expose our kink to children, but it is rude to the parents, the hotel owners, the hotel staff, and the event organizers who must deal with the repercussions.

[NOTE: This last example, while it happens, is not a common occurrence. If anything -- in these interesting times -- our neo-tribe is learning to be more discreet than it has been over the last 20 years. Most annual events are successes for the attendees, organizers, and the host hotels.]

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Published on January 09, 2017 07:00

[Freebie] Entering the BDSM and D/s Community

Kayla Lords had an excellent series on Submissive Guide awhile ago about Entering the BDSM and D/s communities and I wanted to put it together for you all in one place.

Download it today!

Related Posts:
Find a Munch at FindaMunch.com!

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Published on January 06, 2017 07:00

Do You Like Freebies? Support Submissive Guide on Patreon and Be Rewarded!

Support me on Patreon! It’s no secret that keeping this site going costs money and while my passion for educating and supporting the BDSM community have not wavered, the income needed to continue to grow this site is on the rise. I have so many hopes and dreams and goals for Submissive Guide and I know many of you want to see what I have planned too!

My Patreon page is where you can help support Submissive Guide on an ongoing basis, in exchange for some exclusive perks.

WHAT IS PATREON?

Patreon is a way to join your favorite creator’s community and pay them for making the stuff you love. Instead of literally throwing money at your screen (trust us, that doesn’t work), you can now pay a few bucks per month to that creator.

WHAT IT’S FOR

Your funds help with the costs of web hosting, the many servers the site needs for content hosting, newsletter services, paying writers, marketing video production, future content creation, and all that other great stuff that helps me to engage with YOU, my fans!

WHY YOU SHOULD SUPPPORT SUBMISSIVE GUIDE

Patreon support directly contributes to providing new, fresh content on the site and the community, from articles and ebooks, to videos and workshops! All of the money earned through All the money from Patreon helps Submissive Guide grow and reach its goals of supportive education for the BDSM community.

Sign up for exclusive rewards and access to the Resource Library. Join the Subguide Tribe today.

WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A PATRON

Just select how much you want to support each month and an accompanying reward tier. I offer things like:

Early access to new videos
Special announcements
Monthly Live Q&A on YouTube
Personal mentoring and support
Skype with me
Free ebooks, reports, and other fun freebies
Discount codes to kink services and retailers

Join the tribe, the club, the community and the team of influential people to help steer the future of Submissive Guide. Without you my goals are just dreams. Let’s make them a reality. Become a patron on Patreon.

Becoming a patron is completely optional, and I appreciate any support – even if it’s just reading and sharing Submissive Guide! You can also adjust or cancel your pledge anytime you need to.

Thank you!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 05, 2017 07:00

Ask Submissive Guide – Being Transgender and Public BDSM Play

Dear Submissive Guide,

I’m new to the scene and realizing I’m very interested in submission and masochism. I’m also gay and transgender (an FtM who is attracted to men). I’m gearing up the courage to go to a play party, and while I might not play at my first one I will want to play publicly eventually. I’m scared to be naked in public, and while I can get over the normal human nudity taboo crap, I’m afraid of people walking past, seeing boobs and talking about “her,” or asking each other whether I’m a boy or girl, which is emotionally triggering for me. On the other hand, I’m not sure I want to wear my binder during a scene. They can restrict breathing for extremely vigorous activities, they shouldn’t be worn for over 12 hours straight and frankly look ugly. I’m also not sure if getting beaten while fully clothed is a thing. It seems like in pictures bottoms are nude and tops are hitting bare skin. Is that just a preference/convention, or are there actual disadvantages to flogging someone fully clothed? Are there ways for me to protect myself from passers-by misgendering me? Suggestions for things to do that keep my chest covered?

Thanks
Worried About Public Play

I saw your question, and I desperately wanted to answer it. But as a cis-female with plenty of privilege, I also didn’t want to get this wrong. Thankfully, when I reached out to my own kinky community, a trans friend, “Cora,” helped.

First, I will say that while getting naked to play may be a conventional norm (something that’s kind of ironic considering how outside the norm we are as kinksters), it’s not a requirement. Ultimately, if you play in public, it comes down to your own comfort level. The big difference to playing with clothes on is that some sensations will be dulled (which means you may be able to play longer) and some stuff can’t be seen (red skin, marks, etc.). If wearing clothes makes you the most comfortable, that’s what you should do. She recommended this info on binders.

You may also want to reach out to a trans group on Fetlife that she assured me was a good one (not knowing, I was afraid I might send someone to a place filled with assholes and judgement): Ask a Transgender Person a Question

That being said, Cora said something I wanted to say too but wasn’t sure I should. So let me quote the email she sent me:

Who is anyone to say what is ok to wear or not wear? So, after that it’s about you being comfortable. If that’s binding and a tank top then do it. If you don’t want to bind for whatever reason then don’t. If people have reactions, and they most certainly will, then own it. Say this is me and my body. This isn’t easy for me either. I’m comfortable with this at the moment. If you can’t handle that then that’s your problem not mine.

I love her no-nonsense attitude. She also admitted to me, and I know she’s right, that it’s easier to say than to do.

So here’s what I’ll add to that about play parties and playing in public, whether you’re trans and uncomfortable with the stares and questions, or you think you’re fat and don’t want to be judged either (that was my issue when I first began to play):

Play only when you’re comfortable playing – regardless of whether you take your clothes off or not. Get to know the people in your community first so you know who you feel most comfortable around. In general, the kink community tends to be more open and accepting (with exceptions of course, sadly).

It might not matter to anyone but you, BUT if it helps you relax and feel more at ease, play on nights when people you genuinely like are around, or go into a private space – most clubs offer an area that’s at least partially private, or play when it’s a slow night. Play parties at someone’s home may even let you use a spare room if you ask.

Get there early (a lot of play doesn’t really get started until closer to midnight in many places) and play before everyone else. There have been many nights when my Dominant and I are the only ones on the floor while everyone else is in other part of the club or party talking and socializing. That is always an option.

I think you’ll find that you’ll develop friendships with other kinksters who accept you for who you are, and when the day comes that you’re ready to get naked when you play in public, it won’t be a big deal. But even if you never get naked, that’s okay too.

Do what makes you feel most comfortable, and you’ll be doing it “right.”
Related Posts:
Ask Submissive Guide – He Cheated and I’m Not Over It Yet
Ask Submissive Guide – My Dominant Says and Does Things I Didn’t Agree To
Ask Anything: Handling the Vanilla Side of Things
Ask lunaKM – Quickies: Dog Collars, Task Lists and Con-artist Doms
The Thrill of Knife Play

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 04, 2017 07:00

Every Good Conversation Starts with Good Listening

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 9/24/16

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”

Submissive Guide was started not to just share what I know, it is also, at least for me, a way to continue to learn by talking out my struggles and answering the questions presented to me. Communication comes up frequently as a key topic to developing and maintaining healthy, open relationships. But many of us don’t know what good communication looks like and have problems with at least one part of good communication techniques.

I have problems with my interpersonal communication too. You are not alone in this. One such problem is my inability to not interrupt KnyghtMare when he is speaking. It’s been a problem since the beginning of our relationship and one that has tested his patience many times over. Interrupting him shows him I don’t respect him and his decisions, it causes a lot of misunderstandings because I do not wait for him to finish his thoughts and demonstrates that I’m not listening and what he’s saying isn’t important. It’s a terrible flaw in my ability to communicate and one that I continue to work on day by day.

In a recent class I attended on Communication, Mr Ellen, _his_owner on FetLife, talked about how to improve your interpersonal communication skills. Listening to her speak I was motivated to explore what I lack; active listening skills. She said, and I agree, that active listening is something that can be learned and should be learned for effective communication. All communication skills can be learned, but I’m going to focus on active listening for this article since that’s where my largest problem is. I’ve done some research since that class and I thought I’d share with you what I’ve learned because, as I said, it’s a huge issue that affects many people.

What is Active Listening?

Active listening is making a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but more importantly, try to understand the complete message being sent.

It’s quite important to D/s communication because as we’ve probably all encountered, communication is the cornerstone to D/s. It’s the thing we all agree needs to be open and honest and an important tool in our relationships. The community is always putting a strong emphasis on communicating clearly, but we rarely have classes on how to improve our skills. Yet another reason I’m happy I attended Mr Ellen’s class. Good communication skills build relationships and allow us to have a clear understanding of what another person needs, wants, has trouble explaining and simply to share their message with another.

Active Listening Behaviors

Behaviors of active listeners are varied, but through my reading and research, I found quite a few common ones I want to share with you.

Make eye contact.
Exhibit affirmative head nods and appropriate facial expressions.
Ask questions.
Avoid distracting actions or gestures.
Paraphrase with “What I heard you say was…”
Avoid Interrupting speaker
Don’t think of the reply before the speaker is done sending the message
Don’t overtalk or talk over the person who is speaking

My biggest issue is that I interrupt KnyghtMare, I talk over him… loudly might I add, and I am always forming responses in my head long before he’s done talking. This has done quite some negative things to my ability to communicate with him and he’s tried so many things to help me learn my place in the communication loop.

Things we’ve tried include making me count to three before speaking, not allowed to talk at all without permission, he stops talking and won’t continue if I’ve interrupted him – even if what he was saying was important and also face-slapping. None of which has stopped my bad behaviors and teach me active listening. I’ve not given up trying to fix my behavior. I know that if I can learn better active listening that our communication will grow by leaps and bounds and I’ll get into trouble far less often.

How to Practice Active Listening

In my endeavors to continue to learn and improve I’ve found some valuable tips for how to learn active listening if you too are lacking in skills with this side of communication like I am.

Be fully in the moment. You need to avoid distractions, quiet your mind, turn off electronics and look at the person speaking. Do not try multitasking; you may miss the meaning of the message, even if you heard the words.

Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine yourself in their situation, wanting to be heard. Try to imagine their life and the struggles they might be facing as they talk to you. Empathy is a powerful tool for understanding what they are saying.

Pick up the key points and let the speaker know that you did. It’s easy to let our attention drift. Let the speaker know you were listening by mentioning the key points and ask to clarify what you didn’t understand.

Practice, practice, practice. Pretend you will be quizzed on how much of what they are saying you heard and understood. Repeating what you heard when they are done speaking is a great way to show them that you were really listening.

Develop curiosity, and open mind, and a desire for continuous growth. I love learning but have, until now, focused more on the written word. Begin seeing conversations as learning opportunities and watch the world open up around you.

Over the next month or so I am going to practice my active listening using the suggestions above. I’m not sure how well I’ll do but I will try to keep a log of my progress. I invite all of you to participate as well. Hopefully, the next time I write about communication I’ll be able to update you on my progress with learning active listening and be able to give a positive report.

Thoughts to Ponder
How good are you at active listening?
Do you find yourself forming replies before the speaker is done talking?
What will you work on related to communication in the next month or so?
Related Posts:
Hitting the Wall During Play – Limit’s Edge
7 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was New to BDSM
Submissive Myths: Submission is a Result of Childhood Abuse
The Art of Apology: Receiving an apology when you don’t think one is necessary
Ask Submissive Guide: Grieving for Her Master

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 02, 2017 07:00