Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 11

January 4, 2017

Ask Submissive Guide – Being Transgender and Public BDSM Play

I’m new to the scene and realizing I’m very interested in submission and masochism. I’m also gay and transgender (an FtM who is attracted to men). I’m gearing up the courage to go to a play party, and while I might not play at my first one I will want to play publicly eventually. I’m scared to be naked in public, and while I can get over the normal human nudity taboo crap, I’m afraid of people walking past, seeing boobs and talking about “her,” or asking each other whether I’m a boy or girl, which is emotionally triggering for me. On the other hand, I’m not sure I want to wear my binder during a scene. They can restrict breathing for extremely vigorous activities, they shouldn’t be worn for over 12 hours straight and frankly look ugly. I’m also not sure if getting beaten while fully clothed is a thing. It seems like in pictures bottoms are nude and tops are hitting bare skin. Is that just a preference/convention, or are there actual disadvantages to flogging someone fully clothed? Are there ways for me to protect myself from passers-by misgendering me? Suggestions for things to do that keep my chest covered?

Thanks
Worried About Public Play

I saw your question, and I desperately wanted to answer it. But as a cis-female with plenty of privilege, I also didn’t want to get this wrong. Thankfully, when I reached out to my own kinky community, a trans friend, “Cora,” helped.

First, I will say that while getting naked to play may be a conventional norm (something that’s kind of ironic considering how outside the norm we are as kinksters), it’s not a requirement. Ultimately, if you play in public, it comes down to your own comfort level. The big difference to playing with clothes on is that some sensations will be dulled (which means you may be able to play longer) and some stuff can’t be seen (red skin, marks, etc.). If wearing clothes makes you the most comfortable, that’s what you should do. She recommended this info on binders.

You may also want to reach out to a trans group on Fetlife that she assured me was a good one (not knowing, I was afraid I might send someone to a place filled with assholes and judgement): Ask a Transgender Person a Question

That being said, Cora said something I wanted to say too but wasn’t sure I should. So let me quote the email she sent me:

Who is anyone to say what is ok to wear or not wear? So, after that it’s about you being comfortable. If that’s binding and a tank top then do it. If you don’t want to bind for whatever reason then don’t. If people have reactions, and they most certainly will, then own it. Say this is me and my body. This isn’t easy for me either. I’m comfortable with this at the moment. If you can’t handle that then that’s your problem not mine.

I love her no-nonsense attitude. She also admitted to me, and I know she’s right, that it’s easier to say than to do.

So here’s what I’ll add to that about play parties and playing in public, whether you’re trans and uncomfortable with the stares and questions, or you think you’re fat and don’t want to be judged either (that was my issue when I first began to play):

Play only when you’re comfortable playing – regardless of whether you take your clothes off or not. Get to know the people in your community first so you know who you feel most comfortable around. In general, the kink community tends to be more open and accepting (with exceptions of course, sadly).

It might not matter to anyone but you, BUT if it helps you relax and feel more at ease, play on nights when people you genuinely like are around, or go into a private space – most clubs offer an area that’s at least partially private, or play when it’s a slow night. Play parties at someone’s home may even let you use a spare room if you ask.

Get there early (a lot of play doesn’t really get started until closer to midnight in many places) and play before everyone else. There have been many nights when my Dominant and I are the only ones on the floor while everyone else is in other part of the club or party talking and socializing. That is always an option.

I think you’ll find that you’ll develop friendships with other kinksters who accept you for who you are, and when the day comes that you’re ready to get naked when you play in public, it won’t be a big deal. But even if you never get naked, that’s okay too.

Do what makes you feel most comfortable, and you’ll be doing it “right.”
Related Posts:
Ask Submissive Guide – He Cheated and I’m Not Over It Yet
Ask Submissive Guide – My Dominant Says and Does Things I Didn’t Agree To
Ask Anything: Handling the Vanilla Side of Things
Ask lunaKM – Quickies: Dog Collars, Task Lists and Con-artist Doms
The Thrill of Knife Play

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on January 04, 2017 07:00

January 2, 2017

Every Good Conversation Starts with Good Listening

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 9/24/16

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”

Submissive Guide was started not to just share what I know, it is also, at least for me, a way to continue to learn by talking out my struggles and answering the questions presented to me. Communication comes up frequently as a key topic to developing and maintaining healthy, open relationships. But many of us don’t know what good communication looks like and have problems with at least one part of good communication techniques.

I have problems with my interpersonal communication too. You are not alone in this. One such problem is my inability to not interrupt KnyghtMare when he is speaking. It’s been a problem since the beginning of our relationship and one that has tested his patience many times over. Interrupting him shows him I don’t respect him and his decisions, it causes a lot of misunderstandings because I do not wait for him to finish his thoughts and demonstrates that I’m not listening and what he’s saying isn’t important. It’s a terrible flaw in my ability to communicate and one that I continue to work on day by day.

In a recent class I attended on Communication, Mr Ellen, _his_owner on FetLife, talked about how to improve your interpersonal communication skills. Listening to her speak I was motivated to explore what I lack; active listening skills. She said, and I agree, that active listening is something that can be learned and should be learned for effective communication. All communication skills can be learned, but I’m going to focus on active listening for this article since that’s where my largest problem is. I’ve done some research since that class and I thought I’d share with you what I’ve learned because, as I said, it’s a huge issue that affects many people.

What is Active Listening?

Active listening is making a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but more importantly, try to understand the complete message being sent.

It’s quite important to D/s communication because as we’ve probably all encountered, communication is the cornerstone to D/s. It’s the thing we all agree needs to be open and honest and an important tool in our relationships. The community is always putting a strong emphasis on communicating clearly, but we rarely have classes on how to improve our skills. Yet another reason I’m happy I attended Mr Ellen’s class. Good communication skills build relationships and allow us to have a clear understanding of what another person needs, wants, has trouble explaining and simply to share their message with another.

Active Listening Behaviors

Behaviors of active listeners are varied, but through my reading and research, I found quite a few common ones I want to share with you.

Make eye contact.
Exhibit affirmative head nods and appropriate facial expressions.
Ask questions.
Avoid distracting actions or gestures.
Paraphrase with “What I heard you say was…”
Avoid Interrupting speaker
Don’t think of the reply before the speaker is done sending the message
Don’t overtalk or talk over the person who is speaking

My biggest issue is that I interrupt KnyghtMare, I talk over him… loudly might I add, and I am always forming responses in my head long before he’s done talking. This has done quite some negative things to my ability to communicate with him and he’s tried so many things to help me learn my place in the communication loop.

Things we’ve tried include making me count to three before speaking, not allowed to talk at all without permission, he stops talking and won’t continue if I’ve interrupted him – even if what he was saying was important and also face-slapping. None of which has stopped my bad behaviors and teach me active listening. I’ve not given up trying to fix my behavior. I know that if I can learn better active listening that our communication will grow by leaps and bounds and I’ll get into trouble far less often.

How to Practice Active Listening

In my endeavors to continue to learn and improve I’ve found some valuable tips for how to learn active listening if you too are lacking in skills with this side of communication like I am.

Be fully in the moment. You need to avoid distractions, quiet your mind, turn off electronics and look at the person speaking. Do not try multitasking; you may miss the meaning of the message, even if you heard the words.

Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine yourself in their situation, wanting to be heard. Try to imagine their life and the struggles they might be facing as they talk to you. Empathy is a powerful tool for understanding what they are saying.

Pick up the key points and let the speaker know that you did. It’s easy to let our attention drift. Let the speaker know you were listening by mentioning the key points and ask to clarify what you didn’t understand.

Practice, practice, practice. Pretend you will be quizzed on how much of what they are saying you heard and understood. Repeating what you heard when they are done speaking is a great way to show them that you were really listening.

Develop curiosity, and open mind, and a desire for continuous growth. I love learning but have, until now, focused more on the written word. Begin seeing conversations as learning opportunities and watch the world open up around you.

Over the next month or so I am going to practice my active listening using the suggestions above. I’m not sure how well I’ll do but I will try to keep a log of my progress. I invite all of you to participate as well. Hopefully, the next time I write about communication I’ll be able to update you on my progress with learning active listening and be able to give a positive report.

Thoughts to Ponder
How good are you at active listening?
Do you find yourself forming replies before the speaker is done talking?
What will you work on related to communication in the next month or so?
Related Posts:
Hitting the Wall During Play – Limit’s Edge
7 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was New to BDSM
Submissive Myths: Submission is a Result of Childhood Abuse
The Art of Apology: Receiving an apology when you don’t think one is necessary
Ask Submissive Guide: Grieving for Her Master

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on January 02, 2017 07:00

December 21, 2016

Simply Service e-Zine from November 2005

Today’s look back on an amazing e-zine is from November 2005. While this newsletter is no longer being produced, much of the content is still relevant so download it today and check it out! Here’s what’s in this issue:

November 2005

Download Now!

My Journey by slavedebbie
Community Unity by Master Kalan
Declutter 101 by Tante Jen
Metamorphosis by slave a
Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela
Essay by E Missy Hall
Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Related Posts:
Simply Service e-Zine: January 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: September 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: August 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: July 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: February 2005

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on December 21, 2016 07:00

December 16, 2016

When Journaling Gets Hard – How Depression Affected Our D/s Dynamic and How My Journal Helped Bring Us Back Together

This is a guest post by Elle.

I was inspired to write this article by the recent series about submissive journalling. I found myself wanting to get back into journaling, yet still holding back.

This is a personal account of what can happen when journalling goes wrong. In my case, it was when I became depressed. It’s about how to recognise that there is a problem, and what you and your dominant might do to overcome it.

I’m in a mainly distant relationship with my Master. Writing to each other has always been an important way to maintain and develop our connection.

We met online, and right from the start, we exchanged emails, in which we were able to share and explore what D/s means to us. Having time to reflect, and being able to put things in writing enabled a level of intimacy and honesty that would have been harder to establish in real time conversation.

About six months into our relationship, my Master asked me to start a daily blog. I approached this with a certain amount of trepidation, and in truth, it was not always easy. Yet I discovered, to my surprise, just how powerful it could be. I learnt a lot about myself. I developed as a submissive and as a person. The relationship with my Master became richer, stronger, closer.

But then, after a couple of years, it started to go wrong. I had been through a difficult time. Although I didn’t realise it, I was suffering from depression. It became harder to ‘find my voice’ every day. My Master noticed this. He might comment that I sounded a little unnatural or ‘forced’. As time passed, I became anxious. I would try harder to please him and end up sounding even more forced. Or I would doubt myself, and withdraw completely. Sometimes I would stay silent for several days, giving him nothing to go on, and no means of controlling the relationship in the way we both need.

I was all over the place, but neither he nor I understood why. What had been my ‘safe place’ - my blog – started to feel less safe. Sometimes, when I came to him after days of silence, he would comfort and reassure me. Other times, he would challenge me, describing my words as self-absorbed, narcissistic, sensing the problem he would encourage me to focus on helping others. Other times, he would express his frustration, and even occasionally, his hurt. Worst of all was when he started to keep a distance himself. He was trying to give me space to find my way, but I felt even more lost without him.

What had been so good for us – the journal - was becoming unworkable. Here are my suggestions for anyone who is experiencing similar problems with journaling.

Don’t be too quick to assume there is a problem: when you use a journal to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings with your dominant, then you will sometimes come across difficulties. This is one of the great gifts of journalling. In addressing these things honestly, your relationship will grow. If there aren’t some uncomfortable moments along the way, then you’re probably not doing it right!

How can you tell if it really is a problem? Here’s my personal ‘acid test’. Is this issue enhancing the D/s dynamic? Or is it detracting? ‘Good’ conflict will feel like full-on engagement and will bring you closer to your dominant, even if it doesn’t always feel like it at the time. ‘Bad’ conflict will leave you feeling distant and adrift as if the very fabric of the power exchange is unravelling.

Is it a problem with the relationship itself? If you’re finding it harder to engage or connect with your dominant, then it might simply be that one or both of you are no longer motivated. Ask yourself honestly whether you are both still fully committed to the D/s relationship.

In summary. You’re journaling regularly, sharing your thoughts and feelings, you’re used to working through problems together, and you’re both committed to the relationship – but somehow, the whole thing seems to be unravelling. What’s going on?

For me and my Master, a big part of the problem we didn’t identify my depression at first. This is where the journal can help.

Your dominant can be your early warning sign: if you are sharing your journal with your dominant regularly, it’s safe to say that no-one else knows you as well as s/he does. If s/he detects a change in your thoughts, feelings or communication patterns, it’s worth paying attention. It might be something intangible, but it’s well worth a conversation to see if you can work out what’s going on.

Stay connected: if journaling isn’t working in its present format, it might be best to stop for a while. Talk this through with your dominant. Maybe journals can be replaced by other types of communication or togetherness for a while. Maybe you continue journaling but less frequently. Maybe your dominant gives a different structure or purpose to your journaling. This could be to help understand what is going on. Or it could be to focus you on something else. Maybe you continue journaling but don’t share with your dominant for a while. Whatever you do, do it with the input and direction of your dominant, and stay close.

Nurture the dynamic: this is so important, yet when things feel like they falling apart, it can be the hardest thing of all. Even if you feel completely worthless and inadequate as a submissive, you can still go to your dominant and tell him or her that, and ask for their help. In doing so, you are reaffirming your submission, and helping to empower your dominant.

Back to basics: at times of crisis, simple is good. Simple rules, simple structures, simple routines can be very helpful for a submissive when s/he is feeling like a failure. Simple ways to please, simple ways to serve, where small efforts and successes are acknowledged and positively reinforced by a watchful, caring dominant. This can be especially important with depression, where everyday things can sometimes feel like a monumental effort.

Work on the underlying problem: so, you’ve spotted there’s a problem, but you’ve managed to stay connected, to nurture the D/s dynamic and to put some simple structures in place to hold everything together? Then you deserve a big ‘ well done’! Phew! You now might even be in a position to work on the underlying problem, whatever that might be. Depression? Anxiety? Mental or physical illness? Addiction? Stress? Emotional breakdown? submissive burn-out?

Getting back to submissive journalling: One of the hardest things about submission is to open your heart, mind and soul to another person. To let them see everything that you are, the good bits, the bad bits and the stuff that’s lurking in your darkest corners. You need to feel strong, and you need to feel safe.

Journaling is a powerful tool that can transform a D/s relationship. There are times, too, when it feels just a bit too much.

At some point, though, if you’ve journaled before, you’re going to want to get back to it. Keeping a mood journal can be a tool for managing and recovering from depression, and this might be one way back into submissive journaling. Or just start again, with small simple steps.

You will find your voice again. I am certain.

Elle is a female submissive. She is currently trying to re-energise her submission, and rebuild the relationship with her Master, after a period of depression.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on December 16, 2016 07:00

December 13, 2016

Create SMART Goals For Your New Year’s Resolutions and Reach Your Goals This Year!

The end of the year looms, and in these darkest of days, all our flaws, our struggles, and our short comings seem to shine brighter for the lack of light. And so our journeys to create new and better versions of ourselves commence. We’ll go to the gym every day. We’ll eat right. We’ll stop procrastinating. We’ll make time to read more. We’ll be better prepared. Etc., etc., etc., and so forth.

January rolls in, we spring into action. Go to the gym! Snack right! Do the job! Read the book! Prepare!

And for about two weeks, you do a really good job. And then you get bored with the gym so you skip just this once; you really want McDonalds, so you pick up a meal just this once; the project for work isn’t due for ages, so you’ll put it on the back burner just this once; that book got slow, so you’ll read it tomorrow just this once…

Sound familiar?

The fact is that making and breaking New Years Resolutions is a time honored tradition in our culture. We see the new year as a way to better ourselves, and we tend to get, well, a little over-excited at the prospect of creating a shiny new version of ourselves. The thing is: we think that we’re really good at making goals, and in a way, we are. We’re really good at writing down what we want to happen on paper.

We’re also really good at ignoring all of the middle steps that we have to go through to achieve our goals.

So how do we break the cycle? How do we get to the point where we can create and realize our goals—not just for the new year, but at any time of the year?

MAKE SMART GOALS

If you’re in the corporate world, you might already be familiar with the method of making SMART goals. I found the method on a half-hearted Google search for worksheets to give my students at the beginning of the school year as a way to eat up a few days while waiting for students to stop changing schedules.

SMART goals are Specific, Measureable, Agreed upon, Realistic, Time-based tasks that we set for ourselves with the intent of realizing a larger task.

Let’s take the common goal of losing weight. You know you’re over the weight you want to be. Five pounds, twenty pounds, doesn’t matter, you just know you want to thin up and tone out.

The mistake that most people make when making their goal for the near year is assuming the statement “I’m going to lose weight,” is the sum of the goal when, in reality, it’s the outcome. Instead of “I’m going to lose weight,” a better method for making the goal is to follow the SMART formula:

“This year, I’m going to lose two pounds every two weeks by exercising for twenty minutes, three times a week, and eating the correct number of calories on those three days.”

It sounds a little bit manic to the untrained ear, but here’s how it helps:

IT’S SPECIFIC, SIMPLE, and SIGNIFICANT

All of these things fall under S in our SMART goals. The conditions of the goal are so specific that there’s no wiggle room for compromise. You know from the start just how much you want to lose, just how fast you want to lose it, and you know how you’re going to go about doing it. Rather than randomly jumping on the treadmill and hoping for the best, you’ve looked at all of the steps that you have to take to lose weight, and you’re making them part of your goal.

IT’S MEASURABLE, MEANINGFUL, and MOTIVATIONAL

By being specific, you also give yourself a way to measure your progress, be it your weight, your waist size, or your dress size, having part of your goal connected to quantifiable component will keep you on track. In addition, the way that the goal is broken down has meaning. This is where you customize a general goal of “weight loss” to fit your needs, desires, and expectations. You might need 2,500 calories in a day, you might only need 1,500. Twenty minutes of exercise might be a good beginning place for you, but maybe you can only manage about ten minutes, or maybe you need a good thirty to feel like you’re accomplishing something. The choices you make to break down your goal are as important as the goal itself, and by making the components meaningful, you create a motivating mission statement that can help keep you in line as you work to achieve the ultimate outcome of the goal itself.

IT’S AGREED-UPON, ATTAINABLE, AND ACTION-ORIENTED

This is where the most important part of goal making is for most people. Everything in your mission statement has to be something that you really want to do. By making the statement, you’re agreeing to it, so if you don’t think that you’ll be able to exercise three times a week because your schedule is hectic, but you do think that you’ll be able to fit in one workout that is twice as long, then that’s what you should use as your goal. If you don’t want to lose two pounds a week, then adjust it to a single pound. As long as what you are aiming for is attainable when taking into account your time and your physical limitations, you’re setting yourself up for success rather than failure. And if you aren’t sure that your breakdown is attainable, then aim lower to start with. If you’re consistently hitting the mark that you start with, and you feel like you need more of a challenge or can feasibly accomplish more, raise the bar as you go. The idea is to make sure that you’re constantly in motion, that your day is filled with actions that will help you achieve your goal. You’re not just exercising, you’re eating right. You’re not just losing weight, you’re keeping track of the weight you are losing each week. You’re not just going to the gym, you’re exercising for a specific amount of time. You’re not just eating right, you’re working toward the calorie count that is appropriate for your body weight and type.

IT’S TIME-BASED, TANGIBLE, AND TRACKABLE

The second most important part of the goal that you make is that even ongoing goals have an end in sight. You might need to lose a hundred pounds, and it might take you two years to do it, but every two weeks, you have the goal to lose just two, and to get on the scale and determine whether you’ve accomplished that task. You have the opportunity to look at your progress over the weeks that have passed, and to look at your future if your positive behavior continues. The results are results that you can see, feel, and anticipate with general certainty that they’ll remain and continue to progress, because you’re following a specific, measurable, agreed-upon, realistic, and time-time based plan to make the goal happen.

IT’S NOT ABOUT MAKING GOALS

We call them goals, but in the end, what we want from our resolutions is less about making and achieving goals and more about making habits. We don’t just want results, we want the results to stick, that way, if we do fall off the wagon, we aren’t starting from the beginning, but picking up where we fell. The idea behind making SMART goals is that you do just that: you give yourself the opportunity to build a foundation for achieving that ultimate goal by picking up the tools that you need to craft the habits that will make the ultimate goal possible.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on December 13, 2016 07:00

December 12, 2016

The Submissive Blues – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection, and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

My personal submission has been in the dumps for a while now. It may even be reflected in my writing here on the site, I don’t know. I don’t feel connected to why I submit and how good it makes me feel. KnyghtMare has noted numerous times that I’m argumentative, questioning and just not how he expects me to be. Knowing this makes me feel terrible. Why it’s taken this long for me to really reflect on the why’s and how to fix it I can’t figure out but now that’s it’s here I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me.

Getting back to myself is a long road ahead and, I’ll be honest, it’s bringing me down. I’m depressed that I’ve let it get this bad. I’m annoyed that KnyghtMare has been pushing against these changes in me and I’ve just dismissed them. I still crave submission and I know that I’m most happy when things flow through D/s. I’m deep in the submissive blues.

The submissive blues are not a ‘thing’. You don’t have to feel bad that you don’t know the term. It’s one I use personally to recognize when the reasons I submit have become clouded or lost and I begin to slip back into my days of selfishness, belligerent behavior and a blatant disregard of my rules, Master’s directions and my purpose in submission. I’ve never been a natural submissive, everything I do is learned, it’s a choice I make to give me peace and happiness in life. I love to submit.

But right now I’m struggling with it. It’s really bad. I will come out of it, that’s just what I do. But today, today I’m at rock bottom and need to dig my way out. I suppose this could be a New Year’s Resolution if I did those things. It is a goal to get back to who I am meant to be. I know that once I am able to do that so much of my life will fall into place again.

Today, take some time to really see where your submission is at. Is it the best it can be? What can you do to work on it?

Care to help me out?

Have you felt so disconnected with your submission that you’ve lost sight of the joy and happiness it brings?

What steps do you take to get you back on track?

photography; George L Stein, model; Lilly Rose

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on December 12, 2016 07:00

December 7, 2016

Ask Submissive Guide – Finding a Dominant

Dear Submissive Guide,

How do I find a Dom? I know I want to be a sub but I’m lost, I don’t know how to find a Dom and live the way I want to.

Sincerely,
Looking for a Dom

Hey there! You’ve asked a question that every single submissive asks themselves at some point: Where do I find a Dominant partner so I can be the submissive I want to be?

The answer is simple and it’s not, so stick with me here.

The first step in finding a Dominant is going where they are. The good news is that kinksters are everywhere. Unfortunately, we don’t walk around with a sign over our head that says, “Single Kinkster Looking for Love.”

You’ve got more options than you realize for finding a Dominant:

If you use Facebook, search for kinkster groups and join (or request to join) them.
If you’re on Twitter or Instagram, start following hashtags like #BDSM, #Dominant, or #submissive. This isn’t foolproof, but it’ll give you a place to start.
Join Fetlife, if you’re not already there, and participate in forums and groups.
Use Fetlife (or good old Google) to find your local munch and attend a few. This is by far the hardest for most people to do, but I think it’s the most effective, because you can see the person you’re talking to and you know they’re local.
Tumblr has a thriving BDSM community if you’re already using it to look at erotic and BDSM images.

The hardest part, especially for submissives, is putting yourself out there and talking to people. Plenty of submissives, and I include myself in this, are worried about being rude or offending a Dominant. In my experience, the best kind of Dominants don’t worry about protocol (like calling them “Sir” or “Ma’am” before you get to know them) when you first meet. They want to become friends first and get to know you as much as you want to get to know them. If you come across one who makes demands and has expectations before you’ve discussed doing anything kinky or working towards a D/s relationship, run the other way. You’re dealing with an asshole. Don’t worry too much about seeming “forward” or “rude” if you approach a Dominant online or at a munch. Plenty of Dominants like it when you show initiative.

While you don’t have to be subservient to a Dominant when you first meet, I always recommend being polite. You’ll make a good first impression that way. Always be yourself – don’t pretend to be who you think a Dominant wants you to be. You’re trying to find someone compatible to you – starting out with lies or being fake will only end badly.

Realize that the first Dominant you meet and enter into a relationship with might not be your forever Dominant. You may realize you have different needs or goals in life. Your kinks may be too mismatched to overcome. Or you may simply realize this person is nice but not someone you want to be with forever. Whatever you do, don’t overlook bad behavior, lying, cheating, violating your consent, or refusing to communicate. These are all red flags of problems in the relationship and in your power exchange. And when you do enter your first D/s relationship, make sure to spend a lot of time talking about what you want and need in a relationship first. This is probably the most important step in the whole process to live the life you want as a submissive. Negotiation and communication don’t end once your relationship begins.

Good luck and don’t get discouraged. If you’re willing to work for it, you can have a good, solid kinky relationship.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on December 07, 2016 07:00

December 6, 2016

7 Tips for Handling Holiday Stress

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, well, at least that’s what the song says. For many out there, the holidays aren’t the most wonderful time of the year. With November being more than half over, the holidays are in full swing. For many, this is an extremely stressful and depressing time of the year. While there really no way to completely avoid these feelings, there are some things you can do to help lessen the impact of these feelings.

At this time of the year, it’s extremely easy to become overwhelmed with things before we realize it has happened. Holiday parties, shopping, holiday decorating and cooking, children’s programs, religious activities, and next thing you know, finding yourself being pulled in twenty different directions and wishing for a cloning machine so you can stay on top of everything. Until that happens, here’s some tips and tricks that can help you with overcoming these feelings of stress and depression.

1. Let Go of Preconceived Ideas

Everyone, and I feel especially those with children, put way too much pressure on themselves to have the perfect holiday and to always be filled with holiday cheer. Totally think of Christmas Vacation here. Think of everything poor Clark Griswold did to make sure his family had the perfect Christmas and the perfect gifts. While everything that happened in the movie is a bit extreme, there’s still a lot of truth to everything that happens. Everyone tries so hard to make everything perfect and then when things don’t go as expected, people tend to explode and it ruins the holiday for everyone involved. Perfection isn’t real! Nobody expects you to have a Martha Stewart-like decorated house and eight-course meal, so don’t expect that from yourself. If you’re worried about getting caught up in having ‘the perfect holiday’, let your dominant know so they can help when they start seeing you turn into Christmaszilla.

2. Make sure to schedule time for yourself

During the holidays, we get so caught up in doing so many other things for other people, we forget to take care of yourselves. Have you heard the saying ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup”? It’s true. If you’re completely zapped, you have nothing to give to others. Not only that, but you’re completely wasted and you can’t enjoy things yourself. Make sure to take time for yourself. If you can’t every day, then strive for at least once a week. Take a bubble bath, have a glass of wine, curl up with a good book, do something you love and recharge those batteries!

3. Schedule, Schedule, Schedule!

Scheduling things ahead of time will help to greatly reduce the amount of stress you’ll have during the holiday times. You’ve heard about bullet journaling, right? If you caught any of the 31 Days to Better Submissive Journaling series, lunaKM devoted several posts of that series to bullet journaling and also contributing writer kallista has also written several articles about using bullet journaling. This is a great way to plan and schedule your holiday activities. What’s happening, where, when, do you need to bring something, writing all these things down where you’re able to see them will help you see what you have going on and an easy way to not double book yourself. Also, before agreeing to anything, tell them you need to check your calendar. This will be a lifesaver! And speaking of possible parties and get-togethers…we’re going to get invites from people to things we really don’t want to go to. But we say yes because we feel obligated. I know this feeling all too well and it’s not pleasant. This is where having a dominant comes in handy. Let them help you keep in check with what you’re scheduling so this way they can make sure you don’t overextend yourself. Also, when you’re scheduling your holiday activities, make sure that you’re scheduling time for yourself (like I mentioned above), but make sure to schedule time for you and your partner together.

4. Make time to connect with your partner

When getting wrapped up in the festivities and family responsibilities on top of all our normal responsibilities, it’s easy to lose contact with your partner. A lot of people don’t realize just how important it is to set aside some private time for just you and your partner, especially during a time filled with a lot of stress that eventually can lead to depression. Yes, you do need time for yourself, but you need time with your partner too, being intimate with your partner(and I’m not just talking sex), does a lot to recharge your batteries.

5. Family

This is always a difficult topic. A lot of people have family members they absolutely loathe but have to see around the holidays and being around those family members is extremely hard. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to avoid that. I suggest limiting your time around those family members you find toxic and avoiding them altogether if that’s what is best for you. If members of your biological family cause you way too much stress and anxiety, then spend time with your family of choice. Surrounding yourself with people you want to be around is a great way to survive the holiday season.

For those of you like me, who really want to be with your families at the holidays but can’t due to distance or whatever else, this does cause a lot of stress and depression. Speaking out of personal experience, the holidays are a hard time for me. I love them, but on the other hand, homesickness is the hardest. With the wonders of technology, there are ways we can still keep in contact. Skype, Facetime, or any of the other numerous instant/video messaging apps out there are great for this. Even though there may be a couple hundred or more miles between you and your loved ones, it’s important to make contact with them.

6. Create New or Continue Ongoing Traditions

This one may sound a little weird as a way to deal with stress during the holidays, but for me, this is something that helps me a lot. When I moved to Germany, I thought I would have to give up all my Christmas traditions. Don’t ask me why I thought that way, but I did and it left me really scared and stressed. Even though Germany and the US don’t have the same customs when it comes to Christmas, I’ve had a lot of fun combining the two and it makes the holidays feel a little more, brighter. One thing that I’ve brought with me is every Christmas, I bake a sock-it-to-me cake and buckeyes, both Christmas goodies my grandma made every year and it just isn’t quite Christmas without them, and it’s also a great way to remember my grandma. If you have some family traditions that you love, make sure to carry on with them and share them with your partner and children. If those family traditions don’t have the happy memories to you, then create your own. It can be something as simple as watching a particular movie or making a specific baked good or meal. If you aren’t sure, ask your friends to see what they do and you can also look online for inspiration to start new traditions.

7. Being Alone

Another thing that tends to cause a lot of holiday stress and depression is the lack of having a partner. Whether you’re single or grieving over a lost partner, the holidays are not an easy time to be alone. The holidays are so family oriented and everything you see always has to do with a couple or families, and when you have no one, this is extremely hard to deal with. Also, people are encouraged by society to feel happy because of the holidays and it’s emotionally draining putting up a fake smile all the time. Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about feeling lonely or depressed during the holidays. You have every right to feel however you feel, society be damned. If you’re dealing with the loss of the partner, make sure to take extra care of yourself and do something to remember and honor your deceased partner. Don’t force yourself to partake in activities you don’t feel comfortable participating in. Another thing you can do if you’re alone is to volunteer somewhere. Shelters and soup kitchens are in need of volunteers during the holiday season more than usual. Check in your local area for volunteer opportunities. I also highly recommending not drinking too much because drinking can make those feelings of depression even stronger. You can click here to check out some websites with tips on how to handle being alone during the holidays.

The holidays can be a stressful time, but they don’t have to be. I hope this article helps to relieve a bit of the holiday stress you may be beginning to feel.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on December 06, 2016 07:00

December 5, 2016

Must I Always Wait for My Dominant to Tell me What to Do?

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 9-10-16

The topic for this article came to me from a reader survey I did over a year ago where I asked you what was most pressing to your at that moment and this question, “must I always wait for my Dom to tell me what to do?” came up. I must admit that I had a gut reaction to it first, which was “hell no!’ but as I thought about it, I know that answer wasn’t always the case for me.

In my early days of being a submissive, I felt, either through internet influence or my own naivete, that I couldn’t suggest anything to my partner and that I had to always wait for them to give me orders. I believed that as a submissive, it was forcing my desires on my partner if I mentioned that I wanted to play or have sex, or heck, even have something different for dinner than what was planned. I had this ginormous fear of topping from the bottom and for some reason, I thought that also meant that I could show no desire, no independent thought and that I was to be completely dependent on my Dominant’s desires and whims.

Submissive Does Not Mean You Lose Your Autonomy

It is my hope that in this article, and throughout the site, that you learn that submissive does not mean pushover, it doesn’t mean you give up your dreams and desires. In fact, embracing submission in whatever form you wish is empowering. It should drive you to reach more of your goals and it should definitely make you happy. So, you don’t lose the ability to make decisions when you become submissive. You still have a life to live, work to do, and friends to see. The only thing that changes in a D/s relationship is the priority those decisions take.

For example, say you are invited to go out to dinner with friends. When you were single, or in a regular relationship, you might not even consider asking anyone else if it were okay first. You’d just tell the people that need telling that you were going out that night. But in a D/s relationship, your decision making is shifted to the consideration of how the relationship is set up, ie. having to ask permission, and also being courteous to your Dominant by letting them know your desires and waiting for them to decide what is best. Telling your Dominant that you’d like to go out with friends does not mean you are topping from the bottom, it’s just expressing your desires to your partner. He still has the final say. Now, you could definitely screw this up and insist you be allowed to go see your friends, or demand instead of asking for permission and in that case you’ve left little room for your Dominant to make any decision at all. In the example, your autonomy isn’t lost, it’s just redirected. It’s very unlikely that your partner will not weigh your desires against their plans. If the night was otherwise free, they’d probably let you go; but if there was something you overlooked they could remind you of other obligations.

This doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to make your feelings known about what you consider more important at the time, far from it. After all, in a healthy relationship, it is all about compromise. Even a power exchange relationship has a compromise; it just weighs more on the Dominant to find the balance. Waiting for his decision is not about waiting for him to tell you what to do, but more about waiting for him to decide what is best at that moment and for you to graciously accept his decision.

Active Submission is Pleasing

And sexy as hell.

Unless your dynamic specifically says you can’t initiate sex or play then the playground is all yours. Be alluring and suggestive. Flirt. Show him you want him just as much as he’s claimed you. If you always had to wait for him to tell you to get ready for play or that he wanted sex, that puts a lot of weight on his shoulders and can result in less of what you want and need and more of what he’s desiring at the time. You are not a doormat. Speak up for what you want and need. Learn how to talk about the things that interest you and be engaging in his interests. Volunteer to do things that are submissive in nature; from getting a drink for him to sitting at his feet when he’s working or playing games. Be that gentle reminder that you submit because of the amazing man that he is and how he has opened you up to getting everything you ever desired.

So don’t sit silently and wait for him to someday figure out what you are missing. Tell him. Don’t assume he should know what you need because you had the wants and needs talk 6 months ago when you first met. Show him that your needs still matter. Open up the channel of communication and remind him that your submission is important and your needs are a part of that.

Embrace his decisions on your life and the direction of the relationship, if it’s good for you and speak up again if something feels wrong. Submitting is not passive, it is not about waiting. It’s about fulfilling a need or desire. Yours are important too.

Must You Always Wait for Orders?

So back to the main topic, should you always wait for orders? Yes and no. First, evaluate what you negotiated with your partner when you entered the relationship, or at your last deep talk. How much control do they have over your down time and decision making? If they have a control then it might be up to them to give you things to do when you are “in wait”. But most relationships are not that micromanaged and you do have times where you will be the one making decisions about what to do. Make sure your priority is still following your rules and what your partner would consider in that situation while making your decisions. I go through most of my own day making my own decisions and carrying out tasks as I know KnyghtMare would like them done. I don’t have to constantly go to him to ask him what I should be doing at any point in time and I’m certainly not just sitting around waiting for him to give me some direction.

If you are going about your day, getting things done and your Dominant directs you to do something, be prepared to stop what you are doing to comply. If it’s not possible to stop, ask for time to complete what you are doing first. Of course, if they say no… then you’ll just have to do it later. I’ve shut off the burners while dinner is going when directed to do something else for KnyghtMare before. He basically said, “dinner can wait.” And he was right. It really could.

You are not a doormat, with one purpose and no independent thought. Remember, you are in a relationship and it’s a two-way street. If you feel confused about what you should be doing at any point, ask for clarification. Open communication will allow you to know what’s expected of you when your Dominant is not directly in control and it will remove the question of if you should just wait for orders.

Did I get this wrong? What are you thoughts on the question of having to always wait for orders? Let me know in the comments!

Thoughts to Ponder

Do you feel like you are always, “in wait”?
How do you practice active submission?
List 5 ways you can suggest/ask for what you want without being demanding.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on December 05, 2016 07:00

December 2, 2016

Time’s Almost Up! Get Your Submissive’s Advent Calendar Before They Are Gone!

In just 3 days the Submissive’s Advent Calendar will no longer be available. Don’t miss your chance to enjoy peace and joy through submission this holiday season with 24 days of activities. It’s good for single and collared submissives of all types.

Something this special can’t last forever. Since this is a holiday ebook, I’m only putting it up for sale for $6.99 USD through December 5th! You have just this limited window to pick up the ebook or it’s gone until next year.

Want to learn more and check out a sample page? Click here to go check out all the details!

If you don’t need to be convinced, click here to buy your own Submissive Advent Calendar NOW!

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on December 02, 2016 10:00

← Previous 1 2 … 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 … 81 82 Next →

Luna Carruthers's Blog

Luna Carruthers's profile
37 followers