Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 13

The Importance of Being Authentic

I haven’t really written much lately. It’s been a part lack of motivation and part lack of inspiration. I’ve had a few ideas, but nothing that really convinced me that I need to actually put down any words. But then the Universe hit me with a really big stick.

A couple of months ago, I bought a friend a copy of Jenny Lawson’s Furiously Happy because I knew she needed this book in her life. Then I kept on her to start it. She did and loved it as much as I knew she would.

Then I started my B2 German course. More new words and evil German grammar. One of my teachers gave us a new word-authentisch, authentic for all you non-German speakers. This teacher has made several points about how important it is to be authentic. Not gonna lie, there were a few times where I rolled my eyes every time she mentioned this. That’s just how often she brought it up.

A couple of days later, I finally started reading my copy of Furiously Happy. I laughed, and a few times I could feel tears because I could completely 100% relate to what Lawson was saying.

Then, that next morning, I got talking to my friend about the book. She told me while reading that she was inspired to write something to submit for publication and I told her that was so freaking awesome. I told her that it’s been close to six months since I’ve written anything because of lack of motivation, and now that things are a bit hectic, I don’t really have a lot of free time to start writing again, but I really wanted to get myself back into the habit.

Later that same morning as I was on my way to school, I was reading more of Furiously Happy and I found myself thinking that Jenny Lawson is authentic as f*ck. And that’s when I got hit with that really big stick.

I started thinking about the importance of being authentic as well as reasons why we may or may not show our authentic selves to the world. Due to the people we’re around or current circumstances or whatever environment we’re in depends on what part of ourselves that we show to the outside world. Not to mention, people get caught up in the latest trends and fads and by doing so, it’s so easy to lose who you really are when you get caught up in a sea of sheeple.

It’s so important as an s-type to be authentic. In my opinion, if you want to submit, if you want to serve, those desires have to come from the heart. There are a multitude of reasons why s-types submit(and that’s a whole nother article!), but if your motivation for submitting is because you’re hoping for a free ride or meal ticket, or because it sounds cool and seems like everyone else is doing it, in my opinion, aren’t really reasons to submit. Those types of people, they may be able to put up a good show for awhile, but then it’s easy to see through their act, cracks start showing in the facade they put up, that their submission isn’t sincere, that their reasons for submitting isn’t because deep down they really want to, but because they want to see what they can get out of it for themselves or because they think everyone else is doing it.

Another reason why it’s important to be authentic as an s-type is because you have to know who you are as an individual. You have to know your strengths, your weaknesses, your flaws, and imperfections. You have to know what you stand for, what you believe in. Being your authentic self is going to be the only way you find the right partner for you, the person who will be with you for the long haul, not just until you come to a rough patch and the not so glamorous parts of you starts to show. Something I have learned with my own struggles is that if I’m not honest with myself about who and what I am, about what I want and need, I can’t be completely open and honest with Daddy. Whenever a breakdown in communication starts, that tends to be when things start to fall apart.

You have to know who you are to know what you want. I know it’s not always easy to be as authentic as we would like, but it’s something we must keep striving for, especially with our masters and dominants.

Related Posts:
On Perfectionism
Finding Your Way to a Genuine Self
Being Submissive in a Vanilla World and How to Balance it Out
Ask lunaKM – Being a large submissive
The Chase is On – Communicating Openly With Your Dominant

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Solo-Coaching – Tearing Down Old Defensive Behaviors

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 8-13-16

We’ve all probably uttered this phrase a time or two when having a heated conversation with a loved one, “you’re becoming defensive.” From the time we are born, we learn defensive mechanisms that are meant to protect us from pain and trauma. A child’s first defense is to cry, and they tend to cry a lot at first until they can learn a new defense behavior that works more effectively. Sometimes, as we grow up, we hang on to old defense mechanisms that served us fine at the time, but now seem to garner negative feedback. This may be when we’ve outgrown that defense and it’s time to replace it with a more positive one.

I’m far from perfect in this. In fact, I did the research for this particular solo-coaching because I needed to find a way to rewrite a pretty damaging defense mechanism that was causing a lot of issues in my relationship with KnyghtMare. As of writing this post, I’ve at least identified what I’m doing that no longer works and am working through the following steps to rewrite or replace the behavior so that my relationship with KnyghtMare can be more solid and beneficial.

So, let’s begin. A defense mechanism is a way of protecting yourself from painful or difficult emotions and traumas. My abusive childhood has resulted in a lot of defenses that I’m still trying to deploy today and finding they just don’t work anymore or are making my relationships more difficult. And that’s hard to identify. Responses that may have served you well in the past begin to be less effective in providing the shield you once relied on. For example, you may have lashed out, tuned out, acted out or took on a victim’s role. For me, I come up with excuses after the fact to try to prevent me from getting in trouble and for explaining away my behavior that was being called out. This is quite frustrating for KnyghtMare and I’ve only just recently realized this is residual from my childhood.  Before I did this research, I was unsure how to change a defensive behavior that was no longer useful to me.

Let’s take another example, this time in a story. Susan was harshly rejected a few times by boyfriends in high school. As a result, she appeared aloof and distant from other men and appeared to have no interest in them. As an adult, she brought her defense with her. She couldn’t understand why men were avoiding her and she was still single. Only when she became honest about her feelings about men and how they have treated her in the past could she begin to break down her old defense.

First Steps for Rewriting an Old Defense Behavior

1. Get a clear understanding what they are. Try this activity: think of 3 challenges you’ve had that taxed you emotionally. What behaviors did you adopt to cope with each of them? On a scale of 0-10, with 10 meaning the defense still works well and 0 being the defense has a negative response, rate the defense behavior as of today.

2. Self-honesty is required in this activity and it’s not always an easy thing to do. You are trying to connect with emotions and traumas that have happened in your past that you have built walls around to protect you. Identifying these behaviors and why you do them is key to being able to replace or eliminate them.

3. Act on replacing them. Find a positive behavior you can do in place of the negative one. In the story of Susan, she decided to ask a guy out once a month, to push herself out of her comfort zone. She thought of 3 people to ask with the view of receiving at least one yes. This way she prepared for possible rejections. Then she would visualize herself having positive experiences on dates with these men. As she did so, it started to break down her wall that she had put up to protect her from being rejected by men. Now she looks forward to going on dates and regularly asks men that she’s interested in.

In the story, Susan replaced her old defense mechanism by employing visualizations, she saw herself being successful and the men treating her well. You can also use mantras or affirmations. Take a look at how to write your own mantra or affirmation on this site.

Ultimately, it’s going to require you to be very honest with yourself to identify and then work on the defenses you’ve outgrown. I’ve got a lot of work ahead myself, but thankfully, I’ve learned a bit about why I have them and now I can develop ways to overwrite them with healthy responses that will work better, or get rid of them altogether.

“Defenses keep us stuck in one unhappy place. It takes truth and courage to abandon them, but once we do, we discover a world of freedom and wonderful possibilities.” – Dorothy Rowe, psychologist

Activity

Do you have defense behaviors that you’d like to change? When you feel a familiar pattern of emotions and behavior, practice changing your response. Insert a substitute response that is more positive. You don’t have to change by leaps and bounds. Consider baby steps, take small actions a little at a time until you are able to experience the emotions or situations that once triggered your old defense but don’t feel the need to enact it any longer.

Interesting Links
Defense Mechanisms
Defensiveness is Killing Your Relationships – How to Recognize It and What to Do About It
15 Common Defense Mechanisms
Related Posts:
Simple Steps to Creating a Personal Mantra
Winter Blues – Submissive Meditation Monday
A Submissive’s New Year’s Resolutions: Letting Go and Offering Forgiveness
The Role of a Collar in a Long Distance Relationship
Coming to an Understanding – I am a Slave

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

What Should I Try Next: Like Wax Play? Try Knives!

This is a six part series all about experiencing play from the right side of the slash. It is intended to be a helpful guide for you to push yourself further in your play, to experience new things, to open your mind and body to new sensations.

I want to briefly mention safety in the beginning here. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Whether you are a newbie to all of this or decades deep into your BDSM path, remember to be aware of the risks associated with this type of play, to be sure you are playing with a partner that you can trust, and never hesitate to use an agreed upon safe word if you’d like the play to change or stop.

That said, let us dive into this part of the series:

Like wax play? Try knives…

Basics of wax: Wax is often a first step into the BDSM world. It is pretty romantic after all, right? Beautiful naked bodies, candle lit room, easy enough step to take. Be safe! Know that wax can be dangerous and lead to burns. Play slowly at first and encourage the Top to start far from the body to gauge temperature of a particular wax. Everything from scent to type of wax to color of candle can impact the temperature. Test carefully each time. We simply use the basic white tealights. Inexpensive, we can burn lots in the room to create ambiance, and simply toss when done. Keep a wet towel nearby for safety/put out the flames quick.

If you move into wax play more, you’ll likely want to move to an actual wax warmer versus a lit candle. Easier to pour and control, plus no flames to watch out for.

Wax play incorporates so many sexy sensations. It involves temperature play, heating the body. Bare skin. There is no wax play on a clothed body part! It can be so sensual. Wax can also create the most amazing sense of anticipation, never knowing when or where that next hot drip will fall on your body. Blindfolds can up the ante of that anticipation.

Caveat: It is crazy messy. Messy going on, messy coming off, messy to clean. And avoid any hairy body parts! Ouch.

Why and how to add knives? Knife play is basically incorporating knives in a scratching or scraping way, not cutting the skin.

If you love the way wax feels drizzled all over your body, consider adding in knife play for the scraping or removal of the built up wax from your skin. Sure you could just peel the wax off when the scene is over. But. A skilled Top with a pocketknife can move the scene from sensual and relaxing and space-y wax play to heart pounding, arousing, thrilling knife play in an instant. It is a massive change in energy and can be an exhilarating culmination to the experience. As the wax is scraped off of your skin you must be physically still, trust in the Top’s ability and control, and it can really enhance the connection in play.

Begging for even more? If you love this wax and knife combo on your back or stomach, consider trying it out in more sensitive areas like under arms, genitals, chest/nipples. Bottom of the feet. (Shiver.)

Additional Submissive Guide/Dominant Guide reading on the topics at hand:

 

Basics of Wax Play
Basics of Knife Play
The Thrill of Knife Play

 

Give us some feedback in the comments to continue the discussion! Have you ever tried these types of play? How is your experience similar or different? If somebody is interested in wax, what else would you suggest they try out? What other play would you like to incorporate?

Related Posts:
DIY: Knife & Blood Play
The Thrill of Knife Play
Chat Night Transcript from Pervertables Talk with FroggyKM
Learn How to Nourish Yourself, Your Relationship and Your Submission
Common Pervertables Around the Home

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

What Should I Try Next: Like Role Play? Try Medical Play!

This is a six part series all about experiencing play from the right side of the slash. It is intended to be a helpful guide for you to push yourself further in your play, to experience new things, to open your mind and body to new sensations.

I want to briefly mention safety in the beginning here. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Whether you are a newbie to all of this or decades deep into your BDSM path, remember to be aware of the risks associated with this type of play, to be sure you are playing with a partner that you can trust, and never hesitate to use an agreed upon safe word if you’d like the play to change or stop.

That said, let us dive into this part of the series:

Like role play? Try medical play…

Basics of role play: What an awesome way to add a little spark to the bedroom! Many couples fantasize about being somebody else. Somebody more powerful; somebody helpless. Somebody dangerous; somebody full of secrets. This is a great way to dip your toe into exploring new things without the obligation to completely change who you are. You get to play pretend for a scene.

A good way to start is to pick some fantasy role that you or your partner want to explore further. It can be based on an occupation (naughty nurse, frisky policeman, teacher with a ruler to discipline), it can be trying out the waters of particular power exchange dynamics (Owner/pet, Master/slave, Daddy/little girl), or some kind of scenario to be acted out (burglar in the home, seducing the plumber there to fix the emergency.)

One of my very best tips is to go all in. Really commit to the fantasy. If you’re going to take on a different persona, dress like a different person, try new make up or a wig or a nail polish you would never consider. Fake it till you make it kind of thing. When you are negotiating the basics of the scene, make an agreement to not break character until the scene is entirely over or until a safe word is spoken. That kind of commitment can take the experience from cheesy to sexy as hell.

Caveat: Not everybody can commit to this. It is a bit like acting and quite an art form. If you are one of those people or have one of those as a partner, try something else. It will only fall flat.

Why and how to add medical play? I feel like a great way to push the envelope in role play is by trying out medical play. Medical play lends itself so easily to BDSM. You can include bondage (stirrups, anybody?), massively amplify power roles (doctor taking advantage of patient is so taboo), and include new elements of sado-masochistic play. There are all sorts of “things” to bring in as options to make it realistic: speculums, enemas, bedpans, medical grade staples, medical tape for bondage, those flimsy humiliating gowns. It’s just… rife with opportunity.

Talk it out. Negotiate. Have lots of dialogue. And continue to explore and push boundaries to explore new fantasies.

Begging for even more? Role play in public. Have you and your Top go out into the world, act as strangers, and have him or her work to pick you up. Or, conversely, have them sit back and watch as you go off drinking and dancing with strangers. Role  play is a fun and exciting chance for couples to work together towards a common goal.

Additional Submissive Guide/Dominant Guide reading on the topics at hand:

Role Playing Adventures
The Basics of Enemas

Give us some feedback in the comments to continue the discussion! Have you ever tried these types of play? How is your experience similar or different? If somebody is interested in role play, what else would you suggest they try out? What other play would you like to incorporate?

Related Posts:
Ask lunaKM – Sexting, How to get Started and Scene Fantasies
Male Submission – Selfishness
Male Submission – Fantasy vs Reality
Separating Fantasy from Reality – Using Erotic Novels to Find Truth
BDSM To Cure Insomnia

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

What Should I Try Next: Like Orgasm Control? Try Forced Orgasms!

This is a six part series all about experiencing play from the right side of the slash. It is intended to be a helpful guide for you to push yourself further in your play, to experience new things, to open your mind and body to new sensations.

I want to briefly mention safety in the beginning here. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Whether you are a newbie to all of this or decades deep into your BDSM path, remember to be aware of the risks associated with this type of play, to be sure you are playing with a partner that you can trust, and never hesitate to use an agreed upon safe word if you’d like the play to change or stop.

That said, let us dive into this part of the series:

Like orgasm control? Try forced orgasm…

Basics of orgasm control: Orgasm control is such a sexy form of power play. There isn’t much else that can make you start feeling comfortable handing over control like handing over control of your very orgasm itself. I mean, our orgasm has belonged to us since our sexuality began, right? Now all of a sudden you are supposed to allow another person to have the say so. It is a little unnerving in the beginning..

Most orgasm control starts in one of two ways: either orgasm control as in needing permission/certain permissions met before coming or orgasm denial as in not being able to orgasm at all. It is important (as always) to have plenty of conversation before trying this out in the bedroom. There are lots of different ways to interpret orgasm control so be sure you and your Top are on the same page. You can involve fun games or challenges like trying to stay on the edge for a certain amount of time without reaching orgasm or getting a reward for waiting permission to come. The sky is the limit! There are tons of resources online (see below for some links) for getting started in orgasm control.

Caveat: You can actually condition your body to need a signal or that other person to orgasm! Have a backup plan in place and be aware of associated risks. Nobody wants to lose their ability to orgasm! My goodness no.

Why and how to add forced orgasm? Once you start perfecting the art of giving up control of your orgasm to another person, you can start exploring it in other ways. I want to focus on moving from taking away or holding orgasm to forcing orgasm. Because, well, lots of pushing-outside -of-comfort-zone orgasms. How dreadfully sexy!

Forced orgasm is not forcing it upon somebody unwilling (consent always of course!) but instead creating a situation where the bottom is orgasming in a way that is surprising, unconventional, or even in a way that makes them uncomfortable. This can be done with tools. I, for instance, cannot stand continued stimulation with a vibrator after having a clitoral orgasm. Once that Hitachi magic wand works its magic, tap me out . Of course, my sadist Master knows this information and will sometimes force the stimulation to continue after that first orgasm. Somehow, someway, through my screams of pain and begging for it to stop, he can get me to come again and it is a thousand times more intense.

Also forced orgasm can be as a result of places or situations. Being required to orgasm in a room full of people at a play party, being required to wear a wireless vibrator in a public place, or being required to send pictures masturbating from the bathroom at work are all examples of this type of play.

Forced orgasm can fuel the fire of the power exchange dynamic.

Begging for even more? I wrote here about trying out orgasm on demand, or being able to orgasm without having physical stimulation.  Try it out for a really intense D/s connection of the mind and body.

Additional Submissive Guide/Dominant Guide reading on the topics at hand:

The Benefits of Orgasm Control
The Truth about Orgasm Denial
Orgasm Games

Give us some feedback in the comments to continue the discussion! Have you ever tried these types of play? How is your experience similar or different? If somebody is interested in orgasm control, what else would you suggest they try out? What other play would you like to incorporate?

Related Posts:
The Master’s Gift of Orgasm
Male Submission – Foot Fetish
What is Non-sexual Play?
Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training
Chat Night Transcript from BDSM with Kids at Home Chat

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

What Should I Try Next: Like Bondage? Try Mummification!

This is a six part series all about experiencing play from the right side of the slash. It is intended to be a helpful guide for you to push yourself further in your play, to experience new things, to open your mind and body to new sensations.

I want to briefly mention safety in the beginning here. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Whether you are a newbie to all of this or decades deep into your BDSM path, remember to be aware of the risks associated with this type of play, to be sure you are playing with a partner that you can trust, and never hesitate to use an agreed upon safe word if you’d like the play to change or stop.

That said, let us dive into this part of the series:

Like bondage? Try mummification…

Basics of bondage: It is the B in BDSM, an absolute cornerstone of what it is that we do. There are plenty of people in the Lifestyle that only do this. They have no interest in the Power Exchange, in the kinky sex. They simply like to be bound. Many times though, these things cross over.

Bondage is being consensually bound, restrained, or tied in some way by a partner. Bondage can be done with things like rope, cuffs, fabric, or bondage tape. This is a really simply concept, but is again and again the draw for many bottoms or submissives. So instead of the “what” part of bondage, let’s look at the “why” of bondage. Why is it so alluring to so many people?

Being immobilized by a Top or Dominant is can be a physical manifestation of giving up control . The mental side of Dominance and submission is a lot more invisible but this is a tangible version of power exchange. When you are being bound, you are putting control of your well being into another person’s hands. What happens if there is a fire? If there is an emergency? You can be putting your life at stake. That takes a ton of trust. That kind of vulnerability can make your heart stammer.

Along with that, there is the ability to drop your sexual inhibitions. You are bound. If you are being used sexually, you probably aren’t going to be controlling how fast or hard you’re being used. If it is “out of your hands” (still well within pre-negotiated agreements), well, you can be used to do any little naughty thing and it’s not up to you. This kind of sexual freedom is an awesome ability provided by adding bondage to your sexual experience.

And there is thrill of “the fight.” Many people enjoy being tightly bound and trying to get out of it, as if it is personal challenge. To tussle against the ropes, to try and get away, to feel the tightness and binding bite into your skin. Similar to the basics of spanking, bondage really allows you to create any mood you are seeking. It can be gentle, sensual, and relaxing. Or it can be the fight of your life.

Many people have a much easier time getting to subspace while bound.  Be prepared to experience that and reseatch into proper aftercare prior to being tied.

Caveat: As I mentioned above, you can be literally putting your life into somebody else’s hands. Only practice responsible bondage with partners you trust. This isn’t something to try out with that new person you just met online yesterday.

Why and how to add mummification? If you enjoy bondage, whether it is trying out under the bed restraints, basic rope ties, or other means of being tied, consider looking into mummification. This was a big hard no for me in the beginning. And like many people I have spoken with, my big hard no became an “oh my goodness yesssss” once I tried it out. Mummification is using plastic wrap, medical tape, body bags, or other materials to completely restrict and immobilize the body.

We use a giant spool of plastic wrap that can be purchased pretty affordably on places like Amazon. Yup. Plastic wrap, like wrap-up-the-leftover-meal plastic wrap. The Mister and I have enjoyed starting out in mummification by wrapping tightly from shoulders down to toes in this stuff. It makes me entirely immobile. It is so…unbelievably…relaxing. This style of play has actually become a reward of sorts, because it almost instantly puts me into subspace. When you can’t even wiggle your toes, your body reacts in funny ways. It is peaceful and a wonderful way to truly give up control… of everything. Just be sure to use the bathroom before you start. Because once you get out, that’s it. Also keep a blanket handy. The temperature change in the room once removed is a shock to the system (you get very warm when mummified.)

Begging for even more? Put cotton balls near nipples and genitals while being mummified. Using safe measures, once bound, cut the plastic wrap and remove the cotton, leaving the nipples and genitals exposed for fun… or torture… while immobilized.

Additional Submissive Guide/Dominant Guide reading on the topics at hand:

 

Bondage
Safety Issues with Mummification
Safety Issues Part 2
Mummification

 

Give us some feedback in the comments to continue the discussion! Have you ever tried these types of play? How is your experience similar or different? If somebody is interested in bondage, what else would you suggest they try out? What other play would you like to incorporate?

Related Posts:
Ask lunaKM – Roleplay Scenarios, Unable to Kneel and Boost of Confidence
Making Him the Dom of Your Dreams – Working With The Man You Have
Broken Vows: When Vanilla Marriage Falls Apart Because of Kink
Ask lunaKM – Compatibility, Safewords when Deaf and Power Play Preferences
Male submission – Financial Domination

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

What Should I Try Next: Like Service-based Play? Try Serving Others

This is a six part series all about experiencing play from the right side of the slash. It is intended to be a helpful guide for you to push yourself further in your play, to experience new things, to open your mind and body to new sensations.

I want to briefly mention safety in the beginning here. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Whether you are a newbie to all of this or decades deep into your BDSM path, remember to be aware of the risks associated with this type of play, to be sure you are playing with a partner that you can trust, and never hesitate to use an agreed upon safe word if you’d like the play to change or stop.

That said, let us dive into this part of the series:

Like service based play? Try serving others…

Basics of service based play: ”I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”-Rabindranath Tagore

I get turned on by serving my partner. Like, it actually makes me hot and bothered to remove his shoes at the end of the day, to place a hot meal in front of him. There are many ways to enjoy a scene based around your enjoyment of service. You can offer service sexually (offer sexual pleasure without any expectation in return), in a domestic sense (cooking, cleaning, etc), or personal service.

The Mister often sends me off to be his personal shopper. He will say, “I need black work shoes, a new brown belt, and a couple of shirts with matching ties.” I will dedicate the entire day to hitting up his favorite shops, pulling out the business card listing his current sizes for everything when I decide on something, picking out things that I know will look wonderful on him. By the time I get home, filled up with the smell of newness and a cinnamon pretzel from the mall, to lay out my choices for when he gets home I am so, so  horny.

“Your pleasure is my pleasure Sir.” I say it often and mean it always.

Caveat: Like anything, it all depends on your Partner to make this work well. There is nothing worse than an underappreciation for the services performed.

Why and how to add service based play involving others? If it pleases you like it pleases me to serve your Partner, consider adding service based play that involves other consenting parties.

Try hosting a fancy cocktail party with other Lifestyle friends and be the host(ess) with the most(ess).  Formal tea service is a longstanding tradition in BDSM history that is basically a dying art. Research it and get planning. If you are attending a Lifestyle event consider having your Top volunteer you for service. He or she can sit back, watch you being useful, and feel good about offering your service.

If you are open to other sexual or play partners, maybe consider a more intimate sexual service. Have your Dominant’s best friend over and serve lunch, maybe service them under the table as they eat. There are many ways of being “used.” You are only limited by your imagination.

Begging for even more? Cannot get enough of service? Consider learning the art of leather care and bootblacking. This is an excellent way for both  partnered or unpartnered s-types to be able to serve others and the community at large. There is… a lot… of leather in this community. If you become skilled in caring for leather, you will be a great part of your service based local scene. Many bootblackers will go into a play party or dungeon and fulfill their service based deires by kneeling down and caring for others. It’s beautiful, and therapeutic, and a gift, truly.

Additional Submissive Guide/Dominant Guide reading on the topics at hand:

 

The Meaning Behind Service and Serving
What is Non-Sexual Play
High Tea Japanese Ceremony
Serving Food and Drink
Bootblacking and Why I Love It

 

Give us some feedback in the comments to continue the discussion! Have you ever tried these types of play? How is your experience similar or different? If somebody is interested in service based play, what else would you suggest they try out? What other play would you like to incorporate?

Related Posts:
How to Safely Manage Sub Frenzy
Love in a D/s Relationship
Embarrassment vs. Humiliation – One Opinion
To Be Submissive Without a Dominant
Chat Night Transcript from BDSM with Kids at Home Chat

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

What Should I Try Next: Like Spanking? Try Flogging

This is a six-part series all about experiencing play from the right side of the slash. It is intended to be a helpful guide for you to push yourself further in your play, to experience new things, to open your mind and body to new sensations.

I want to briefly mention safety in the beginning here. Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Whether you are a newbie to all of this or decades deep into your BDSM path, remember to be aware of the risks associated with this type of play, to be sure you are playing with a partner that you can trust, and never hesitate to use an agreed upon safe word if you’d like the play to change or stop.

That said, let us dive into this part of the series:

Like spanking? Try flogging…

Basics of spanking: Spanking is another starting point for many people entering the BDSM arena because it is so simple (seeming) and if using your hand pretty difficult to spank your way to injury. It is where I personally began. I will never forget the first intentional bend over the bed for spanking. It was so different than the during sex spanking while being thrusted. The spanking was the star of the show, the intention. It was power being exchanged. I was being bare handed onto bare-assed spanked. It lit my soul on fire.

Though it seems simple, there are many considerations one can make when starting spanking:

- Positions and posture.  This can be just as sexy as the spanking itself if you take the time. Whether it is being set up in a comfortable position or an intentionally uncomfortable one, whether it is a planned scene on a spanking bench or bed versus being told to grab your knees or ankles, the arrival at the place of spanking can be a great start to a scene.

-Strength of spanking. As submissives, it is critical that we communicate this with each new Top (and often when you have a regular Partner) on the strength of spanking. Each bottom is different. Everybody will have a different reaction. If you like it harder, say so. If it is too much, say so. Don’t forget, we all have a voice. http://www.submissiveguide.com/2015/0...

-Comfort/mood. Spankings can be used in a number of ways to create a number of endless scenes. Add a blindfold and create anticipation. Create a “fun-ishment” scenario and pay penance. Try an over the knee (OTK) spanking for an intimate moment. It can be hard and angry and cold. It can be the most romantic night of your life. It is all up to the people involved.

-Warm up/rhythm. Don’t forget to ask for a warm up! It is so helpful to making the most out of the scene.

-Tools. Spanking can involve hands, paddles, and any number of household devices or “pervertibles” (http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/0...). Some of our favorites are household items like a wooden spoon, small cutting board, and belts.

Caveat: Spanking can be loud. Tough to do in a bedroom while others sleep at night. The Mister and I often save our loudest paddles and spanking implements for a night on the town to a play party or dungeon.

Why and how to add flogging? Flogging is one of the most standard of BDSM impact tools and a great next step for those looking to take things to the next level. Floggers are a type of whip, but unlike what most people picture as a whip (one fall, like a bullwhip) floggers have multiple falls or “ends” that hang off for spanking. Unlike traditional whips, floggers are much easier to wield and use without much training. There are plenty of places online for Tops to learn the basics.

For us, as s-types, I’d suggest trying out flogging in a pretty “educational” scene at first. Wear jeans or slacks, have the lights on, just feel the flogging and give advice or guidance. Once you and your Top have a good understanding of what feels good (or doesn’t), plan out/negotiate your first sexy flogging scene.

This is a natural transition for those interested in impact play. Enjoy learning your body, discovering whether it is “stingy” or “thuddy” that gets you hot and bothered, and remember, communication is key to an amazing experience.

Begging for even more? Once you’ve tried spanking and loved it, flogging and loved it, it’s time to try out the incredible world of whips. Requiring great skill and care, a whip scene for me can’t be beat. It is so precise and controlled, so able to pinpoint those pieces that make you shiver.

Additional Submissive Guide/Dominant Guide reading on the topics at hand:

Erotic Spanking
Maintenance Spanking
Getting Started Flogging
Perspectives: Flogging

Give us some feedback in the comments to continue the discussion! Have you ever tried these types of play? How is your experience similar or different? If somebody is interested in spanking, what else would you suggest they try out? What other play would you like to incorporate?

Related Posts:
Perspectives: Flogging
Perspectives: Canes
Pain Play Discussed Online – Explore The Variety of Views
Recommended Podcasts for Kink and Power Exchange Relationships
Finding a New Love – The Impact of Time on Your BDSM Checklist

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Hitting the Wall During Play – Limit’s Edge

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

The Wall: The Wall is one identification of the limit that the mind and body are physically capable of processing. Some submissives will talk about ‘hitting the Wall’ or ‘White Out’. This is going so far that the mind loses the ability to cope and can dissociate or retreat from reality. A submissive can and may go fetal in this state and it is not something you should ever try to achieve as it can and may have permanent or lasting effects. It is to go beyond the threshold. Some people who experience such a graphic or traumatic event never return but remain essentially lost inside of their mind for the remainder of their lives. This is serious and the only reason I am writing about it is that this threshold is something that it is important to be aware of the existence of. This is especially true if you are new to the BDSM lifestyle and perhaps unaware of the potentials with which you are playing. The human mind is both strong and fragile. It should always be handled with the greatest care and concern.

The body has a finite capacity to process information. With every person the range of that ability varies. Within that range is further variation. For many people there is a real and true desire to achieve experiences just on the edge of that threshold. We tend to call this edge play. In most cases Edge Play is a combination of sensory or physical stimulation coupled to mental and sometimes even spiritual stimulation. It is fairly easy to see the progress or path of physical stimulation techniques, it is much more difficult to evaluate or take a person mentally into differing space.

With an establishment of trust between a Dominant and a submissive the submissive will generally begin to lower their mental walls or shields and allow their Dominant greater and greater access into their private realms. Trust is coupled to the ability to process information. The stronger the trust, the further the submissive will allow themselves to go.

Achieving space for a new submissive is generally accidental. There is a desire and a willingness to try and at some point that first barrier or mental threshold will be crossed and the submissive will find themselves ‘in’ space. Often this is a frightening and exciting experience. A Dominant should not press that first experience of space but allow it to be full of pleasure and positive chemistries. This will encourage the submissive to actively ‘go to that place’ in their minds during a scene. To deepen their level of space the Dominant needs to proceed slowly and cautiously. It is essential to remember that trust is the key, if the Dominant says one thing and does another they are providing an unstable surface and the submissive will not trust them as deeply. This will tend to prevent the submissive from releasing their vulnerability further. From a Dominant’s standpoint the deeper you can take your submissive, the higher they can fly and the more stimulation they can sustain. Again it is important to note that there are sincere limits here.

Submissive’s vary from day to day and moment to moment. On Monday they can space and be at maximum from having nipple clamps while on Tuesday they may need or want zipper’s, full CBT or waxing to achieve the same euphoric state. It becomes essential for the Dominant to become so attuned to their submissive’s current state that they know where there submissive is at on any given day. There is no right or wrong here. It is merely that the brain may be full with other tasks on some days and only have the ability to ‘allocate’ a certain amount of space or energy toward processing. With some submissives they will need and require more during times of stress (it almost appears that they become desensitized to lower levels of stimulation or need to overcome the ‘stress’ by higher levels) with other submissives their ability to process new stimulation during a period of stress is greatly reduced and in fact they may be unable to play during those times. Again, there is no right or wrong, simply variations. Learning such intimacies between partners is crucial. Making an error can propel a submissive into a horrendous event or a scene that they ‘feel’ later to have been in violation to their needs, wants and desires. This leaves the Dominant in a somewhat precarious position if they only play with that submissive occasionally. They simply cannot know what is going on.

For deeper or edge play I sincerely recommend that the people involved spend a great deal of time together learning each other prior to attempting to play along the threshold. This is not an area where you want to make any mistakes in evaluation or judgment.

The deeper a submissive goes into subspace the worse their communication skills become (verbal). The Dominant should assume that not only can their submissive not evaluate what is dangerous to them, but that the chemistries flowing in their blood stream will essentially mask out their body signals which would normally tell them there are problems. When a submissive is in subspace all of the responsibility for that submissive’s safety and welfare rest squarely on the Dominant.

A submissive in deep space can endure broken bones, severe lacerations and many other forms of severe damage without knowing it. Since this type of damage is not what BDSM is about it becomes very important for a Dominant to know not only their submissive’s skin, tissue, bone and muscular responses to various implements or toys, but also the full potentials of each implement or toy. Many submissives in deep space will appear or tend to encourage a Dominant into extending the play beyond the limits that a toy or implement has been used on them in the past. Essentially the submissive is to some degree ‘high’, the sensations increase their feelings of being high and the submissive enjoys that continuation. However, this is also how serious damage occurs. Once the chemistries retreat from the bloodstream and brain the submissive will feel everything. The aftermath can be absolutely horrendous in part because the Dominant will not have known the damage they have delivered until sometimes several days after the scene.

When a couple have played together a fairly long time they tend to relax into an understanding of each other. At this point many submissives will be able to enter subspace quite easily and venture along the energy stream of their Dominant with deep trust. (The Dominant is the net or the safety string that returns the submissive to ‘normal space’.) Often both the Dominant and submissive will jointly decide to try something new or go somewhat further. This extension of previous limits can be made slightly more safe if the Dominant trains the submissive to ‘bob and top’, this is an exercise where the submissive can ‘top on command’ this means to achieve ‘top or normal space’ for a moment. Many submissives ‘bob and top’ to check bindings or pain levels. This may appear to contradict what I said earlier, it doesn’t. It is something that only ‘some’ submissives can do well while others can never achieve it cleanly. Most submissives can learn to do it and should to assist their Dominant in evaluating where they are. Essentially the submissive can top and say something like “right wrist”. That is generally about the extent of their ability to articulate speech. They will usually revert back to their prior space almost instantly. The Dominant is left with the cryptic comment which may mean that there is a sincere problem with the right wrist. This tool can be used to aid the Dominant but should not be trusted to the point of removal of any primary responsibility. This tool is particularly helpful if the Dominant and submissive are experimenting with intense bondage or suspension.

Safety in edge play is tenuous at best. The very best safety is simply the deeper the understanding which can only be achieved by long term, frequent interaction. People that play ‘on the fly’ or casually essentially cannot know their casual partner. The risks of doing damage increase dramatically. To some degree people who desire heavy scening or edge play with basically unknown strangers are demonstrating potential mental problems. BDSM is not about a desire to be damaged. A sincere desire to be damaged or injured reflects a mental problem which reflects impaired judgment which by definition challenges the individuals ability to make sound, reasoned, safe, sane and consensual choices.
Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Related Posts:
Single Submissives Need Personal Responsibility
Submissive Myths: Submission is a Result of Childhood Abuse
The Training Collar
Communicating While Submissive
Safe Words for Safe Play

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

To Be or Not To Be – Poly, Mono, Mono-Poly Flexible

At some point in our community participation we will come face to face with the question of poly vs. monogamy. Even if it’s a fleeting thought of wondering if either is better for our personal relationships, we’re still confronted with the possibility. I think that even in examining the possibility it can force us to be clearer about the rules of engagement in our dynamics. Say for instance, one on one emotional fidelity may far outweigh one on one sexual fidelity for one and the exact opposite for someone else. And yet, to another type of person there may be a focus solely on the power exchange with the opportunity to serve and be owned; all matters of the heart and sex organs are up to the Master.

For many years, I’ve considered myself ‘mono-poly flexible’, a term I coined some years ago to better describe my attitude towards either a poly or monogamous relationship. I tend to lean more towards the aforementioned focus of the total power exchange where the matters of the heart and sex organs are left up to the Master. And that not only includes his heart and whatever he uses for sex, but my heart and body as well. Essentially, this means that should my Master decide that I should have a paramour, then so shall it be – or not, depending on the Master’s decision. Let me be clear, this hasn’t always been my way of thinking. For many years of my life, I considered myself emotionally and sexually monogamous. In this instance when I use the term ‘emotionally’, I don’t want it to be confused with being in love with a man or loving him, none of that was a part of my former relationships. What I experienced was a singular focus of loyalty and dedication to make the relationship work with the individual I had committed myself to. For me this translated to me not seeking or being open to anyone but that one person. However, if the man I was involved with had the desire to be with other women whether sexually or at an emotionally intimate level, I was accepting of that. This wasn’t something that I hid, I’ve always been candid about this because I believe in laying it all out on the table. I have a truly deep conviction in regards to making informed decisions, especially in the area of relationships.

There are some points to ponder when it comes to deciding which expression of a relationship is the best fit. It also goes without saying that a thorough assessment of one’s temperament should be included in the evaluations. Here are some of the points used in my evaluation process that have helped me conclude my mono-poly flexible status:

  Addressing my understanding (and lack thereof) of poly. My earliest experiences with poly were with polygamy in a vanilla/religious setting. Polygamy, for me, was very practical and there was no need to involve the heart in the way that most of us understand polyamory . For me, for about a good 10+ years of my adult life, poly was simply work and I had a job function within the polygamous structure. Now, there’s still a ‘function’ for me within the poly structure, however, there’s also enjoyment and fulfillment involved. That wasn’t a part of my previous experience or attempts at poly.
  What are my insecurities? If possible to understand, where do they stem from? It’s not always possible to understand why we’re insecure in a particular area, so this isn’t one of those things that should be obsessed over. But, I do believe that it’s much easier to address an area of insecurity if it is better understood. It’s much easier to insert rational coherent logic. If a person chooses to be monogamous out of insecurity, in my opinion that person is only an insecure person in a monogamous relationship. Essentially, a path has been dictated by the area of insecurity.  The heart of the issue hasn’t been addressed, insecurity can ruin a relationship whether the dynamic is monogamous or poly.
  What is my level of compersion? Compersion is the polar opposite of jealousy, and in my previous post ‘Back Off Bitches!’ I speak growing out of my being jealous/territorial. It took me many years to embrace the depth of compersion that comes with poly; and make no mistake about it was work. There came a time when I recognized that I was actually experiencing compersion and not simply being obedient. I’ve also come to understand that compersion resides in the heart of the individual, it’s genuine and selfless, and it seeks the good for the other. Also, it’s important to understand that compersion isn’t only found in poly dynamics, it’s also found in healthy monogamous relationships as well.
  What are the fallacies I believe about monogamy and poly? Whew, mercy, and there were some major fallacies I believed about each relationship style. Thinking that being in a monogamous relationship would lead to fidelity – wrong. Believing that a man is going to cheat, so poly is me openly accepting his infidelity – wrong. Believing that I can’t be appreciated, loved, or even cared for in a poly dynamic because I’m just an ‘add-on’ – wrong. Believing that in a poly dynamic, I’d get only leftover time – wrong. Believing that only monogamy would fulfill me – wrong. And there are some other misconceptions I had about both styles that are too convoluted to express in this post. The truth of the matter is, we should all choose a relationship style that is fulfilling and an expression of our inner peace and contentment. For some that will be poly, some others it will be monogamy, and then there are some that are flexible and no matter what relationship style is chosen, it will be fulfilling. I had also allowed the reservations of some friends and associates color my judgment; not to mention I grew up being taught that only monogamy is acceptable, especially for women. Yet, the more I’ve gotten to know me and what’s in my heart, the more I realized I’m capable of loving and sharing my life with more than one. And admittedly, there are times when I even desire to love more than one. And you know what? That’s just fine and dandy!

These are only a few of the factors I considered while deciding if either monogamy or poly is a better fit for me. Going through this process helped me to understand that my focus really is on the M/s dynamic and the Master’s desire for me, however beyond that, my preference has remained that of being a part of a poly family. We all have to choose the relationship that will allow us to thrive, and this is what it is for me. What is it for you?

blyss

Related Posts:
Sexual Exclusivity in Poly Relationships – Is It Possible?
Ask lunaKM – Poly & Territorial Response
Transitioning From Monogamy to Ethical Non-Monogamy
Identifying as Monogamous in a Poly Dynamic
Having Enough Love for More than Just One

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.