Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 9

Ask Submissive Guide – Showing Submissiveness as a Little

I am a little girl and have a wonderful Daddy Dom. How else can I show my submissiveness in a little girl way without falling into total servitude and then becoming more like a slave?

Thank you,
His Little Girl

Dear LG,

I think your question is one that crosses plenty of submissive’s – of all types – minds. So before I give you ideas of what you can do as a little, let me clear something up.

Submitting to your Dominant doesn’t automatically mean that you’ll become a servant to them or, ultimately, a slave. It happens in one of three ways:

You allow it happen because you think it’s what you’re supposed to do and don’t say no.
You’re manipulated into it by a bad Dominant.
You both discuss and agree to it and figure out your boundaries and what it means for your relationship.

Assuming none of those three are your situation, simply acting more submissive won’t lead you to servitude and slave status.

Even within the confines of your submission, it is all negotiable. If you’re not comfortable doing something or it’s a limit, you have to say so and a good Dominant will respect that.

Okay, I’m done lecturing. Let’s get to what you really want to know – how you can be a submissive in your little girl way for your Daddy.

Do what he asks you to do.
Say “thank you” when he gives you treats or does something for you.
Say “please” and ask permission for things – seconds at dinner, dessert, to stay up late, whatever works in your dynamic.
Ask what you can do for him. It’s okay to make it part of a little girl thing, wanting to make your Daddy happy, but sometimes the best way to serve is to ask what they want/need.
Be your sweet, little girl self – especially when he’s had a hard day. Do the things you do that make him smile.
Do your “little” things – coloring, pigtails, whatever it might be – and present him with a picture, photo, or video so he can have it for himself.

If your Daddy Dom is like others, he wants to take care of you, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need someone to take care of him. As a submissive, it’s best to ask what you can do, discuss what you’d like to do, and let him know what you don’t feel comfortable doing. But don’t think that doing more for your Dom leads down a path to becoming a slave for him. You have more control over that than you realize.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 15, 2017 07:00

[Video Post] Improving Your Submission – Accepting Punishment

Caveat: This post is about punishment for poor behavior or rule violations. Not all D/s relationships have a discipline aspect to them, however, those that do have their own set of unique situations – like how to accept punishment. This is just my experience.

KnyghtMare and I have a discipline dynamic. While I avoid punishment like the plague (and I think you should too) there are times when I’ve violated a rule or behaved badly and he needs to teach me a lesson to bring myself back to where I should be. As a submissive, when a punishment is looming, I spend a lot of time stressed and riddled with anxiety and guilt. It took years to learn that when the punishment was over, I was to be purged of all of it. Hopefully, what took me so long to learn will give you some bits of wisdom for your own journey.

First, let’s review punishment. If you have a dynamic that includes punishment for misbehavior then you’ll have to face correction. Punishment in this situation is not fun. It’s not meant to be for play and it shouldn’t be enjoyable for either party. Punishment often fits the crime, so to speak, but in some dynamics, there is a set punishment for behavior correction. KnyghtMare prefers to avoid corporal punishment because we both enjoy that for play, so my punishment is often the removal of privileges like TV time, computer use, and furniture use. All of which really stink, but serve their purpose.

If you do use corporal punishment, then it’s often the case that the tool used will be different than one used during play. There may be a ritual to punishment such as having to count, a formulaic apology (I have one of those), or the requirement to be stoic and silent during punishment. Whatever the case may be, how you accept punishment is what this discussion is about.

What do I mean by accepting punishment?

Trusting your partner to make judgment calls as far as your punishment. You’ve submitted to this person so you must have some level of trust with them. You’ve negotiated a punishment dynamic so that includes trusting them to make the punishment fit the crime and to decide if and when punishment should happen.

Receiving your punishment without pouting, tempers or complaints. Remind yourself that you consented to this and that you did something to warrant this punishment. Throwing a fit about how unfair or inconvenient it is isn’t going to help your case any.

Acknowledging that once the punishment is over, the slate is wiped clean. I’m guilty of this one, we walk around feeling full of guilt and remorse long after the punishment is over and it drags down any ability to move on. Learning to embrace forgiveness is hard, especially for yourself.

Not reverting to guilt over your infraction or anger over the punishment. You are the one to blame for your infraction and outwardly displaying anger on someone else for what you did is wrong and childish.

It took me about five years to really begin to accept punishment as gracefully as I suggest above. It’s not as easy as reading this post and nodding along. But the beauty of learning to accept punishment is that the discipline and punishment dynamic works when you both take your own roles seriously.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 13, 2017 07:00

BDSM How To: Wax Play

I love wax play. It’s so much fun and something that is simple to do and also not extremely expensive, which is awesome because we all know how expensive toys can be. So, it’s always great to find a fun activity that isn’t expensive. Not only that, but the more colorful candles you use, it can be quite a beautiful picture. If you’re on Fetlife, I’m sure you’ve seen a picture or two of _ashaya_’s beautifully waxed ass on Kinky and Popular. Also, if you’re always on the look for some good BDSM erotica to read, check out Nicolette Hugo’s Exhibition, and there’s a beautiful wax play scene that opens the story. So good that I remembered the scene from when I first read the book a couple of years ago. It’s one of those types of play that you usually don’t see a lot of, both in pictures and erotica, but there is something amazing about wax play. Like everything we do in the lifestyle, there are risks involved and no matter the activity, you need to make sure you’re educated and know what you’re doing.

There’s not a lot of equipment needed when it comes to wax play. Basically you just need some candles, a lighter, a tarp or something to put underneath to catch any accidental drips or a place where dried wax would be easy to clean up, something to set the candle on such as a small plate or a bowl, a source of fire control(damp cloth or a glass of water) and something to remove the dried wax from the skin once you’re done. Simple enough right? For the most part. But I wouldn’t suggest just grabbing whatever random candle you have laying around the apartment and lighting it up. I also suggest before you start dripping the wax all over someone’s body, that the area you want to use is for the most part hair free because it’s not gonna be a whole lot of fun when it comes time to removing the wax.

There are different types of candles out there. Some are perfect for wax play and others, not so much. Depending on what your candle is made out of, depends on how hot they burn. This is why I highly suggest not just using some random candle you find laying around the house or what you see in the store. They can be used, you just need to be aware there is a bit more of a risk using them.

In an article on SexTalk About by Penguin Pete, this is what he has to say about the different types of candles:

Scented candles are paraffin wax mixed with oil and burn at 120 degrees F and these are the typical candles you find in retail stores.
Pure paraffin candles burn at 135 degrees F and are mostly white, unscented candles.
Beeswax candles burn at 145 degrees F and are intended to burn brightly for a long period of time. Beeswax candles mixed with stearin can burn up to 170 degrees F and higher.
Soy candles burn between 135-145 degrees F and are the best candles to use for wax play because they cool quickly upon contact, are easier to clean up than paraffin wax, and is less likely to cause skin irritation.

Something else to keep in mind when choosing your candles to use are allergies and skin conditions that the person may have as well as any medications the person may be on. There are some people who probably shouldn’t participate in wax play because of these medical issues. It’s extremely important to make sure you know what ingredients are in the candles you are using.

Also the other thing to keep in mind is the height that which the wax is being dripped from. The greater the distance between the candle and the place where you’re intending for the wax to hit, the cooler the wax will be and the closer the candle is to the spot, the hotter the wax will be. Different parts of the body can handle a higher temperature than others, such as breasts and the genital areas. You don’t want to be using a candle that burns at 145+ degrees F and dripping that extremely hot wax on your partner’s genitals at close range. That is not sexy at all. Also stay away from dripping wax above the shoulders, such as directly on the face. You can’t exactly control wax and there’s no way to be 100% sure that wax won’t drip into the person’s eyes, nose or mouth and that can lead to some serious issues that neither one of you want to be involved in. Like every type of play that we participate in, there are risks and it’s really super important to know what those risks are.

There are a lot of shops on Etsy that are kink friendly and sell candles that are perfect for wax play in a wide variety of colors and sizes. Here’s a link to a general search I did on Etsy which provides several vendors and price ranges.

Also, here are a few more links about wax play if you’re interested in learning more.

Candlelight Moments: Basics of Wax Play by Norische

Practical Wax Play by Master Dave’s boy

BDSM Techniques-Wax Play

Remember to stay safe while having fun!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 07, 2017 07:00

Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol (Part 5 of 7) – Flagging, Symbols, and Rituals

by Ambrosio. This was first published on Ambrosio’s site and has a free to distribute license. Abrosio dedicated this article to Beverly M. in Austin.

Flagging not Flogging

Flagging refers to non-verbal signals that serve as very specific cues in the scene. Most of them originated from the Gay leather scene of the 40′s and 50′s.

Flagging with Keys

Some of the most well recognized flagging relates to keys. Depending on the side on which they are worn, they can signal the wear’s role. Keys hanging off the left signal that the wearer is a dominant (or an S, sadist.) Keys hanging off the right signal that the wearer is a submissive (or an M, masochist.) Larry Townsend illustrates this point in his classic The Leather Man’s Handbook:

Classically, wearing your keys on your left means you’re S, on the right you’re M, and in the center rear means you’re open to negotiation. In actual practice, it doesn’t always work out that way. … Most guys wear their keys (or the chain on boot or jacket shoulder) on the left. Supposedly, this means that he is an S seeking an M. Not necessarily so! An M will frequently do this to fend off unwanted attention, and most fringe people will do it because they think it’s butch.

If a guy wears his insignia on the right, you can be pretty sure that he means it. An S would simply never do this, and the fringe people — not knowing any better — believe it’s a put-down. As to the keys in the center rear, you seldom see anyone do it. Those who are open to negotiation are far more likely to make no display, or to hang them on the left. (p. 142)

Alternatively tops and bottoms might subsititute wearing leather bracelets or gauntlets on their wrists — left or right depending on their roles.

Hankies

For decades, hankies (bandanas) have been worn — in the left or right back pocket — at Gay leather bars and runs to signal interest or specialization in particular sexual practices. It’s also been adopted by gay leather women and some heterosexuals in the BDSM scene. But I caution against investing too much in the study of hankies. In Ask Larry Larry Townsend explains:

The wearing of colors (hankies) to display one’s interest has been the subject for much tongue-in-cheek advise. Several of the most widely circulated lists have resulted from a couple of guys sitting down and trying to tag every conceivable activity with the most outlandish hue imaginable. (p.60-61)

Also understand that there are multiple versions of the hanky code — mostly determined by region. Most likely over time the symbolism will codify as one version of the code will predominate over the Internet and become the most widely accepted. (Such is the nature of our wired world.)

For your convenience and amusement, here is one such “Hanky Code”:

Worn on Left
Color
Worn on Right
Heavy S&M Top
Black
Heavy S&M Bottom
Looking for Femme Bottom
Black Lace Hanky
Femme Bottom
Bondage Top
Grey
Bondage Bottom
Fister
Red
Fistee
Golden Shower Top
Yellow
Golden Shower Bottom
Scat Top
Brown
Scat Bottom
Piercer
Purple
Piercee
Anal Sex, Top
Dark Blue
Anal Sex, Bottom
Wants Oral Sex
Light Blue
Expert at Oral Sex
Dildo User, Top
Light Pink
Dildo User, Bottom
Likes Drag
Lavender
In Drag
Uniform Top
Olive Drab
Uniform Bottom
Sixty-niner
Robin’s Egg Blue
Sixty-niner
Genital Torturer
Teal Blue
Genital Torturee
Breast Torturer
Dark Pink
Breast Torturee
Likes Menstruating Women
Maroon
Is Menstruating Woman
Anything Goes
Orange
Not Now, Thanks
Spanker
Fuschia
Spankee
Latex Fetish Top
Charcoal
Latex Fetish Bottom

[NOTE: For a longer version of this code visit http://www.EvilMonk.org/A/hankcode.cfm]

Pins and Patches

There are conventions to how to place pins on leather vests.

If you are a member of a club, a large patch for the club — the club’s “colors” — goes on the back.
Affiliate pins go on the left side of the vest
The pin for your primary affiliation is pinned highest.
Your name plate or title is pinned next — immediately below your club pin
All the other associate membership club pins go below your name.
The right side of the vest is for run pins and friendship pins

Friendship pins

Friendship pins are pins given and received as tokens of friendship.
Never ask for a friendship pin.
It is rude to decline a friendship pin.
Collars

Traditionally, wearing a collar is a sign of submission to an individual dominant. Sometimes it can be temporary, as when the dominant puts it on a submissive before a scene and then takes it off when the play is over. But traditionally, it’s a sign of the dominant’s permanent ownership as when the submissive (or slave) accepts it and wears all or most of the time. On the other hand submissives have been known to wear a collar with the lock hanging open as an indication of availability.

Traditionally it’s very bad form to speak to a collared sub without the owner’s permission. Although most scene folks in the pansexual BDSM community tend not to observe it much, I strongly urge consideration before speaking to a collared sub — especially one from the Leather community where the protocol is more strictly observed. You might very easily offend someone who is observing a high protocol.

D/s Text Cases

One of the most pervasive conventions in the scene — especially noticeably online — is the written practice of referring to submissives in lower case and referring to dominants in capitalized names and pronouns — or even sometimes in all caps. It is more closely observed by submissives than by dominants. (Maybe because it is hard to refer to yourself in capitalized pronouns without seeming conceited.) Some submissives go so far as to refer to themselves in the third person while many of us — tops and bottoms alike — are content to just capitalize all the top terms — Master, Dominant, Domme, Mistress, Daddy, Top — while typing the bottom words — slave, submissive, bottom, boy, bottom — in all lower case.

Some believe this convention originated with the Internet, but as far back as 1972 Larry Townsend quotes an example of this style of writting in The Leatherman’s Handbook:

Dear Master of Masters, Larry, Sir, Looking at Your ALL-MAN picture, Sir, makes me wish for smarts enough to describe, in words, on paper, my intense desire to be fully and completely possessed by You in any and all ways You have ever sexually possessed a sex slave … (p.228-229)

Mr. Townsend goes on to comment:

I might add one more comment on Fred’s letter, as he has followed a very proper form. Any M who replies to a letter, or answers an ad placed by an S, would do well to emulate his style. You will note that “You” is always capitalized, and that the “I” is avoided as much as possible. When it is used, it become “i.” The “Sir” is also capitalized, sometimes in all caps. (p. 229)

But as widely accepted as the convention has become, some of us are uncomfortable with it. A few of us object to it on the grounds that it is improper English. Others find it presumptious and coercive when they are addressed in such a manner by someone they don’t know.

Little Rituals

“I cannot have an aide that will not look up, you’ll be forever walking into things.”

- Dukhut “Atonement” Babylon 5

Here are some little rituals that some people in the scene choose to practice:

Some believe that submissives should not look dominants in the eye. In The Story of O , that is a rule in the Chateau Roissy. Others prefer the connection afforded by looking in one another’s eyes.
Often a submissive is expected to open and hold doors for the dominant. But there is at least one male top in the community (Ambrosio) that believes it is still gallant to open and hold doors for ladies — whether or not they are submissive. On the other hand, it might be viewed as offensively male chauvinist and insulting if a gentleman shows such old fashioned chivalry to a butch leather woman, female crossdreser, or leather boi. He’d have to make it clear in some other way that the courtesy is not gender dependent.
Some dominants will not let their submissives eat before they do. Others don’t care.
One very common convention — primarily practiced in the Leather communities — is that of submissives and slaves following their dominants two steps behind and to the dominant’s left — or sometimes the dominant’s right if the dominant is so inclined. (This tradition might originate from the feudal practice in which a noblemen’s most valued warrior — his “right-hand man” — would be assigned to protect his lord from attacks on this lord’s volunerable side.) On the other hand, there’s nothing to prevent a dominant from ordering a submissive to walk ahead of him so that the dominant can enjoy the view.

Whether a couple chooses to observe these customs is a matter of the dominant’s taste and subject to the submissive’s consent.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 06, 2017 07:00

Ask Submissive Guide – New to Poly and Kink

Dear lunaKM,

I am new to the lifestyle, and have never had a true Dom. However, now there is a Dom that has shown interest in me, alongside his current submissive/fiancee. While it would be a long distance relationship (LDR), I am interested in the offer, but unsure as how to pursue.

To give a bit more insight, this Dom and his primary sub have both stated to me that they would be interested in play, but have not stated anything other than perhaps a single night or occasionally recurring sexual meet-up. I am interested in more, but have too little knowledge on how to approach them in asking for that.

I have never been in a polyamorous relationship before, though I have had the occasional couple pursue me. Do you have any advice on both coming into an already established relationship as an outsider, and on how to ask this couple if they would be interested in more than a one time affair?

-polycurious

Dear polycurious,

Your question is a good one, and something that is on the mind of probably any new submissive with their first Dom, whether it’s a poly situation or not. How do you let this person know you’re interested but want more or something different from what they’re offering?

The answer is both deceptively simple and really difficult for a lot of people – you have to tell them.

You shouldn’t enter into any agreement with this couple (or any kinkster) without a lot of conversation. During those talks, everyone should be able to say what they want from this, what they don’t want, and any expectations they have for how things will work.

This is a good time to say whether you want more than they’re offering or not. Only they can decide if it will work for them, but it’s much better to get it out into the open as soon as possible. As things progress, everyone needs opportunities to continue sharing how they feel and what they think about how things are going.

Poly or not, BDSM requires a lot of communication especially when you’re long distance. And once you add in the poly element, you need even more. Feelings will come up that you never expected. Things will go differently than you imagined. You may decide you want more or you might decide you want less.

Ideally, communication will be open and easy with each of you being able to reach out as you need to. If that won’t work for your situation, set up a dedicated time on a regular basis for you to talk to each other. This will give you a chance to let your partners know if anything is bothering you or on your mind, and it will give them the opportunity to do the same with you.

Since you’re new, I caution you about moving too fast or ignoring your own needs in this process. If all they want is sex (and there’s nothing wrong with that) it’s much better that you understand that as you go into this. Only you can decide if that will be enough for you or if you’re better off waiting for someone to come along who can offer you more.

There’s nothing wrong with deciding that you’ll have some kinky fun and learn a few new things with this couple, either. But be realistic with yourself about what they’re offering and what you want. And always keep the lines of communication open to discuss things as they occur.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 01, 2017 07:00

Simply Service eZine: February 2006

We’re back again this month with another look back at a resource from the past. Remember, much of the content of these newsletters is still relevant today so take some time to read it!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

Into the February edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2006. (Last month we featured November 2005. There were no newsletters between November and February.)

When You Say Nothing At All – Nonverbal Communication in the Scene by seri
My Little Sister Wants a Slave by Mistress Grace
Hope’s journal
Ritual of the Pipe (Smoking Pipe Service) by izzy
Service in Daddy Moments by Sean-Michael
Traveling with Master by Elegant
Tipping Guide for Traveling
Brighten your World? Clean your Windows! by sweetkahi
Our Readers Write!

February 2006

Download Now!
Related Posts:
Simply Service e-Zine: November 2005
Simply Service e-Zine from November 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: September 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: August 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: January 2005

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 22, 2017 07:00

Don’t Judge A Label By Its Cover: Dispelling Stereotypes of D/s Roles

I was recently chatting at a local BDSM coffee event with a just-made friend who made mention (as she was just meeting my husband and I for the first time) that it was quite surprising to learn that he is the Dominant one and I am the submissive one. We get this all the time, if we are being honest!

Over the years, we have both worked tirelessly to maintain our “true” selves. We want to be authentic to who we are, as individuals, in spite of our dynamic.

One of my husband’s biggest concerns as we delved deeper into the world of 24/7 Power Exchange (we transitioned from vanilla to part time Power Exchange, to full time D/s, to full time M/s over several years) was the insistence that he didn’t want my personality to change. He liked me, just the way I was. He wanted to be with a woman/submissive who was smart. Who would challenge him and keep him on his toes. Who would call him out on his shit, help him grow into the best man he could be (all while growing into the best submissive I can be). We had a spicy relationship, full of playful banter and button pushing on both sides of the slash.

Also, in the beginning when we began engaging with other D/s couples, we often met boisterous, big personalities of D-types. They led… “dominated”… the conversation in the room. Talking over each other, one could feel the heat rise in the room as their opinions were traded louder and louder. The submissives sat silently, eyes bouncing back and forth between those speaking, sometimes raising a hand or starting to speak an opinion but many times not heard.

This is not my guy.

My husband is quiet; restrained. He insists he learns so much more from listening than he ever has talking. He sits back, takes everything in. He can read an entire room of 30 people, taking in moods and body language, catching snippets of a dozen conversations at once. He’s contemplative and constantly aware. When he does speak up? Everybody listens.

So I get it. We get it. Loud, boisterous (as an understatement), talkative and opinionated woman. Quiet, laid back, restricted man. Sounds like a clear pointing to Female-led/male followed D/s relationship, right?

Well, no.

-

In some ways I think we all make this mistake, whether we are brand new to the kink community or have been around for awhile. We tend to associate certain personality traits to a label: Dominant, or submissive, or a Master, slave, Leather, baby girl, whatever. But I do think this is where many insecurities in individuals in Power Exchange dynamics comes from, and my husband and I hope to be a part of dispelling this notion.

“I’m not submissive enough because I am not meek and quiet enough.” or “Should I be seen and not heard?”

Wondering if in order to be a “proper” Dominant you need to be some sort of chest pounding, loudly-ordering prick.

Nope. Nopity-nope.

I’d like to encourage everybody to drop the notion that any personality trait at all indicates that a person should be wearing a specific label.

Dominants can be caring and kind. Quiet and thoughtful. Meticulous. Nerdy. Helpful. They can not pound their chest, like, at all.

Or maybe they do. Maybe it’s a mixture of these.

Submissives can be powerful. Let me say again: submissives can be powerful.

They can be smart and loud and have great opinions. They can speak to others without getting written permission to do so. They do not have to be into service, they do not have to enjoy pain, they do not have to fade into the background.

Or they can be the opposite of all that. They can be a mix of their own comfortable selves.

Because personality traits don’t indicate… anything at all.

The only thing you should interpret from somebody being dominant is that they enjoy dominating others. The only assumption of a submissive should be that they enjoy the notion of submitting, in some ways, to a partner.

Next time you are at a table of kinksters in your local munch or dungeon or even online, remember this advice and please drop the assumptions. Remember that every person alive has their own rich makeup of personality and talk with them as if they are a blank slate of labels. We are just people, after all. And our preference in relationship shouldn’t dictate our personality.

“Nobody is superior, nobody is inferior, but nobody is equal either. People are simply unique, incomparable. You are you, I am I.”

-Osho

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 21, 2017 07:00

Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol (Part 4 of 7) – Play Parties

by Ambrosio. This was first published on Ambrosio’s site and has a free to distribute license. Abrosio dedicated this article to Beverly M. in Austin.

Three Types of Parties

Play parties — or dungeon parties — are parties where people in the Leather and BDSM scene can go to play, socialize, and watch. There are two types: private and public.

Private Parties - Play parties that are held in someone’s home. They are invitation only. There is usually no charge or donation (but the host might appreciate a gift.) They can be potluck. Normally there is no dungeon monitor, the rules are looser & more intimate, and edgier play than in a public party is permitted because the host knows all the guests.

Public Parties - Play parties that are often in a rented space and sponsored by a BDSM organization or business (such as a private dungeon or a professional domina) for members of the BDSM community or for the membership of specific BDSM organizations. There is a charge for admittance or a donation is strongly encouraged. The rules are more stringent than in private parties and dungeon monitors are on duty to see that the rules are observed and that the scenes are safe. Since it’s not really open to the general public, perhaps the term is a misnomer. In addition to play parties, a related event is the S&M — or Erotic — Ball.

S&M Balls - Huge BDSM themed events in large rented halls open to the general public as well as to people in the BDSM and Leather scenes. The emphasis is on seeing and being seen. People wear their best and most outlandish dresses, uniforms, and costumes. Performances, costume contests, and scenes take place on stages for the benefit of the audience. Cameras and other recording equipment might be allowed for those who want to “make it last longer.” Unfortunately there is no ballroom dancing.A great example of an s&m ball is the yearly S&M Ball that takes place in Houston, Texas. Despite my concern over it being open to the general public, nearly everyone there has been into the spirit of the event and dressed appropriately whenever I attended.

Sample Party Rules

While there is no universal set of dungeon party rules, most organizations seem to have developed rules that are remarkably similar. Here’s a sample set of rules that I’ve freely adapted from an existing group in Central Texas which in turn adopted many of its rules from exiting groups like TES in New York. (The official party rules for the South Texas group have since been revised.) Except for one or two innovations, they are representative of the rules at most parties.

Do not make assumptions. Negotiate all scenes. Do not assume that the presence of someone at this party means they are available for your pleasure. Do not involve yourself in a scene without an invitation.
Never touch anyone, their equipment, or belongings without permission.
Privacy and discretion are to be respected. All information about party activities, attendees, etc., is to be considered confidential. Do not bring cameras or other recording devices.
Treat everyone with equal respect — doms, subs, tops, bottoms, switches, volunteers, and staff alike.
Play sober. Do not bring alcohol or recreational drugs to the party.
Smoking will be at the discretion of the Board of Perverts. Smoking will be allowed in established smoking areas only.
Please be prepared with something to cover your more daring clothing — or lack thereof — when you go outside the party space.
No genital or anal penetration, oral sex, or exchange of bodily fluids.
Solicitation forbidden.
Related Posts:
Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol (Part 3 of 7) – Cruising With Class
The Chase is On – Communicating Openly With Your Dominant
Book Review: Playing Well with Others
Ritual Ideas: High Tea, Japanese Tea Ceremony and Formal Dining
How to Revive Your Service When Protocol Becomes Boring

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Published on February 20, 2017 07:00

Ask Submissive Guide – Teased With No Relief

Dear SG,

My Dominant has a habit of teasing me without any following ‘relief’. He will get my motor running and then leave me all riled up. He gets busy with something else. Sometimes this teasing can go on for weeks, even months because of his busy lifestyle. How can I cope with the frustration?! Is it unfair for me to ask that he doesn’t ‘signal’ sex anymore?

Sincerely,
Painfully Teased

Dear Teased,

There’s only one thing I can tell you to do in a situation where your frustration is because of his “busy lifestyle” and not some sort of D/s game you’re playing.

You need to talk to him about it. Let him know that the teasing is fun, and the frustration is exciting, but it’s bothering you. Whether you’re like me and a withheld orgasm can be physically painful (I get stomach cramps and it’s definitely not a “good” pain), or you’re feeling forgotten and unloved, it’s worth a conversation.

Now, that being said, think back to your agreement with your Dominant. Does he have control over your orgasms? And if so, what exactly does that mean? (It means something different for every D/s relationship.)

Can you masturbate if you have his permission? Are you allowed to ask for relief?

If those things weren’t discussed, the time to talk about them is now. And even if you did talk about it and decide on some level of orgasm control, if it’s not working for you anymore and it’s no longer fun, exciting, or feeling like a part of your submissive, you definitely need to discuss it with him.

If your frustration isn’t part of a consensual game of power and control (and sometimes of sadism and masochism, if that’s how you identify), and it’s truly because he “forgets,” you definitely need to work something out with him so you can find relief.

It’s not uncommon in a D/s relationship for a Dominant to give a submissive permission to masturbate and orgasm. They often attach rules to it like asking first, taking a picture, calling or Skyping to let them watch you.

Be respectful when you talk to him. Find a time when you can focus on each other. Think about – and even write down – what you want to say before you talk so that you remember all your points. And don’t be afraid to offer a solution – it’s up to him to accept it or not – but you’re not topping from the bottom by sharing an idea or two. I can’t tell you to ask him to stop “signaling” sex, but I will advise you to let him know how the lack of relief is affecting you.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 15, 2017 07:00

6 Important Activities to Include in Your Aftercare Routine

One of the things that I think many practiced people of the BDSM community pride themselves on is their ability to positively follow up sex. We like to throw around the word “after care” like it’s vernacular rather than jargon—the way that we also generally assume having a first aid kit with a pair of tuff cuts next to the condoms is a common. But the fact is that, for as important as after care is, it’s really easy to overlook or misinterpret what your aftercare routine should consist of, regardless of the scenes you’re practicing.

So, if you’re new to BDSM, feel like your aftercare routine needs some work—or even just new to sex—this list is for you.

1) RETURN TO A NEUTRAL POSITION

It’s really easy to give into the temptation to just stop when both you and your partner hit your breaking points. Sex is a massive form of exercise, not just for your heart, but for your muscles as well. It’s a combination of cardio, body resistance, repetition, and sometimes weight lifting, which means that even a fifteen minute session can put your body through the ringer (and that’s excluding a number of kinky activities that can contribute to the strain you feel). The most important thing that you can do after you finish having sex, though, is to make sure you and your partner are in comfortable, neutral position.

Your muscles need to be given the chance to relax, to cool down, and to start repairing themselves. Your heart needs to be given time to relax, and your brain needs a few minutes to cut its way through the hormonal and emotional fog. But if you stop in a funny or uncomfortable position, you’re leaving your body vulnerable to the possibility of muscles cooling down in unnatural stretched/constricted positions—which you’ll end up feeling later, just the way you would if you didn’t give your body a proper cool down after going to the gym.

2) ASSESS YOUR BODY

Be aware of what hurts and how it hurts. Are your muscles sore from standing? Is your backside sore from being spanked? Can you match the ache with the action, and is the aftermath within the realm of discomfort you are used to? Make sure that you are considering all of this, because the sooner that you assess your body, the sooner you’ll be able to spot potential problems or injuries caused during the scene.

3) CUDDLE

No matter what the scene consists of, a good cuddle afterwards is highly important. This is especially the case if you’ve been on the receiving end of a heavy spanking, or if you’re into humiliation scenarios. You could be anywhere from giddy to tearful by the end of a session, and the most important thing that you can do for your emotional health after a hard scene is to stimulate as much Oxytocin production in your brain as possible. Oxytocin, “the cuddle hormone,” strengthens bonds, inspires trust, and establishes a feeling of safety and belonging in a relationship, so taking the time to cuddle is very important to your ability to expand in your submission and to reinforce that the activities you’ve just done are part of a good, healthy relationship.

4) GO TO THE BATHROOM & HAVE A SHOWER TOGETHER

This is technically two different things, but because they happen in the same room, I’ve put them together. Although there aren’t conclusive studies to indicate that urinating after sex can help women prevent UTIs, your bladder was probably just repeatedly squished, poked, and contorted, so if you need to go, then by all means, go!

While you’re in the bathroom, consider taking a hot shower together. If you don’t think you can stand long enough, take a bath. Use the shower as an extended opportunity to cuddle, touch, and continue to stimulate that Oxytocin.

5) HAVE A SNACK TOGETHER

You’ve just exercised. The next step is to make sure that you restore electrolytes and give yourself something light to nibble on while your body settles. My Dom is English, so naturally post-sex snacks consist of tea and Dairy Milk chocolate, but you could get as elaborate as a full meal, or go as simple as a packet of salty crackers and some water.

6) WHATEVER YOU DO, DO IT TOGETHER

We are at our most vulnerable during and after sex. We’re sharing our bodies, our desires, our hopes with another person. As submissives, we are even more vulnerable. We’re broken down by our Doms, pushed to our physical and emotional limits. The catharsis that we get from that exchange might be our motivation for doing it, but it’s not uncommon, silly, or wrong to feel guilty, upset, sad, or ashamed of where and how we broke during the scene. More than anything, aftercare is about healthy ways to combat those feelings, to allow us the opportunities to reassure ourselves and to be reassured by our Doms that we are good girls and good boys, that what we made it through and what we accomplished made our partners proud and our submission deeper. So, whatever you do after a scene, make sure that it includes being together as a couple, reinforcing the most positive and fulfilling emotional aspects of your submission and your Dom’s dominance.

This is far from a complete list of aftercare ideas, so if you have something extra that you and your Dom do, comment below.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 14, 2017 07:00