Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 9

Ask Submissive Guide – Teased With No Relief

Dear SG,

My Dominant has a habit of teasing me without any following ‘relief’. He will get my motor running and then leave me all riled up. He gets busy with something else. Sometimes this teasing can go on for weeks, even months because of his busy lifestyle. How can I cope with the frustration?! Is it unfair for me to ask that he doesn’t ‘signal’ sex anymore?

Sincerely,
Painfully Teased

Dear Teased,

There’s only one thing I can tell you to do in a situation where your frustration is because of his “busy lifestyle” and not some sort of D/s game you’re playing.

You need to talk to him about it. Let him know that the teasing is fun, and the frustration is exciting, but it’s bothering you. Whether you’re like me and a withheld orgasm can be physically painful (I get stomach cramps and it’s definitely not a “good” pain), or you’re feeling forgotten and unloved, it’s worth a conversation.

Now, that being said, think back to your agreement with your Dominant. Does he have control over your orgasms? And if so, what exactly does that mean? (It means something different for every D/s relationship.)

Can you masturbate if you have his permission? Are you allowed to ask for relief?

If those things weren’t discussed, the time to talk about them is now. And even if you did talk about it and decide on some level of orgasm control, if it’s not working for you anymore and it’s no longer fun, exciting, or feeling like a part of your submissive, you definitely need to discuss it with him.

If your frustration isn’t part of a consensual game of power and control (and sometimes of sadism and masochism, if that’s how you identify), and it’s truly because he “forgets,” you definitely need to work something out with him so you can find relief.

It’s not uncommon in a D/s relationship for a Dominant to give a submissive permission to masturbate and orgasm. They often attach rules to it like asking first, taking a picture, calling or Skyping to let them watch you.

Be respectful when you talk to him. Find a time when you can focus on each other. Think about – and even write down – what you want to say before you talk so that you remember all your points. And don’t be afraid to offer a solution – it’s up to him to accept it or not – but you’re not topping from the bottom by sharing an idea or two. I can’t tell you to ask him to stop “signaling” sex, but I will advise you to let him know how the lack of relief is affecting you.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 15, 2017 07:00

6 Important Activities to Include in Your Aftercare Routine

One of the things that I think many practiced people of the BDSM community pride themselves on is their ability to positively follow up sex. We like to throw around the word “after care” like it’s vernacular rather than jargon—the way that we also generally assume having a first aid kit with a pair of tuff cuts next to the condoms is a common. But the fact is that, for as important as after care is, it’s really easy to overlook or misinterpret what your aftercare routine should consist of, regardless of the scenes you’re practicing.

So, if you’re new to BDSM, feel like your aftercare routine needs some work—or even just new to sex—this list is for you.

1) RETURN TO A NEUTRAL POSITION

It’s really easy to give into the temptation to just stop when both you and your partner hit your breaking points. Sex is a massive form of exercise, not just for your heart, but for your muscles as well. It’s a combination of cardio, body resistance, repetition, and sometimes weight lifting, which means that even a fifteen minute session can put your body through the ringer (and that’s excluding a number of kinky activities that can contribute to the strain you feel). The most important thing that you can do after you finish having sex, though, is to make sure you and your partner are in comfortable, neutral position.

Your muscles need to be given the chance to relax, to cool down, and to start repairing themselves. Your heart needs to be given time to relax, and your brain needs a few minutes to cut its way through the hormonal and emotional fog. But if you stop in a funny or uncomfortable position, you’re leaving your body vulnerable to the possibility of muscles cooling down in unnatural stretched/constricted positions—which you’ll end up feeling later, just the way you would if you didn’t give your body a proper cool down after going to the gym.

2) ASSESS YOUR BODY

Be aware of what hurts and how it hurts. Are your muscles sore from standing? Is your backside sore from being spanked? Can you match the ache with the action, and is the aftermath within the realm of discomfort you are used to? Make sure that you are considering all of this, because the sooner that you assess your body, the sooner you’ll be able to spot potential problems or injuries caused during the scene.

3) CUDDLE

No matter what the scene consists of, a good cuddle afterwards is highly important. This is especially the case if you’ve been on the receiving end of a heavy spanking, or if you’re into humiliation scenarios. You could be anywhere from giddy to tearful by the end of a session, and the most important thing that you can do for your emotional health after a hard scene is to stimulate as much Oxytocin production in your brain as possible. Oxytocin, “the cuddle hormone,” strengthens bonds, inspires trust, and establishes a feeling of safety and belonging in a relationship, so taking the time to cuddle is very important to your ability to expand in your submission and to reinforce that the activities you’ve just done are part of a good, healthy relationship.

4) GO TO THE BATHROOM & HAVE A SHOWER TOGETHER

This is technically two different things, but because they happen in the same room, I’ve put them together. Although there aren’t conclusive studies to indicate that urinating after sex can help women prevent UTIs, your bladder was probably just repeatedly squished, poked, and contorted, so if you need to go, then by all means, go!

While you’re in the bathroom, consider taking a hot shower together. If you don’t think you can stand long enough, take a bath. Use the shower as an extended opportunity to cuddle, touch, and continue to stimulate that Oxytocin.

5) HAVE A SNACK TOGETHER

You’ve just exercised. The next step is to make sure that you restore electrolytes and give yourself something light to nibble on while your body settles. My Dom is English, so naturally post-sex snacks consist of tea and Dairy Milk chocolate, but you could get as elaborate as a full meal, or go as simple as a packet of salty crackers and some water.

6) WHATEVER YOU DO, DO IT TOGETHER

We are at our most vulnerable during and after sex. We’re sharing our bodies, our desires, our hopes with another person. As submissives, we are even more vulnerable. We’re broken down by our Doms, pushed to our physical and emotional limits. The catharsis that we get from that exchange might be our motivation for doing it, but it’s not uncommon, silly, or wrong to feel guilty, upset, sad, or ashamed of where and how we broke during the scene. More than anything, aftercare is about healthy ways to combat those feelings, to allow us the opportunities to reassure ourselves and to be reassured by our Doms that we are good girls and good boys, that what we made it through and what we accomplished made our partners proud and our submission deeper. So, whatever you do after a scene, make sure that it includes being together as a couple, reinforcing the most positive and fulfilling emotional aspects of your submission and your Dom’s dominance.

This is far from a complete list of aftercare ideas, so if you have something extra that you and your Dom do, comment below.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 14, 2017 07:00

Scenes for Beginners: Ideas You Can Use To Start Exploring Bondage and BDSM Play in the Bedroom

Coming up with ideas on what to do with your partner when it comes to roleplay and kinky sex can be hard as a beginner. How do you set up a scene? What do you do? Let me help you out with some great ideas for play when you are new to BDSM and kinky roleplay.

But, before we get going on the ideas, a few safety tips to keep in mind:

Talk about what is going to happen and what you will do with each other. You don’t have to ruin any surprises but it’s nice to not be completely in the dark either. After all, this is supposed to be fun, sexy and hot!

Agree on a safeword. It’s a code word that means “stop, I really mean it.” BDSM practitioners often avoid the words “no” or “stop” because of how fun it is to playfully struggle and it’s a common fantasy. Selecting a word that would never come up in scene as your safeword is a good idea. If there will be gags used, dropping a set of keys, using a dog-training clicker or ringing a bell are common solutions.

Be Prepared. Have a few things handy for those just in case moments. Are you going to tie your partner up? Then make sure you have scissors to cut them out if you need to. Don’t forget keys to handcuffs before you put them on and a bottle of water can keep you going in long, exhausting play.

The Ideas

There are as many ways to “do” BDSM stuff as there are people…so really, what you can do is almost limitless. These are just a few ideas to bring into your sex life.

Set The Scale

If you are exploring impact play or a new toy, the partner that receives the impact play will announce the scale of pain for each strike given. This is meant to help both parties learn their limits. The bottom will learn how intense they can tolerate and the Top will learn how to handle the tool/toy to consistently give a certain degree of the strike.

The Captured Spy

The partner who plays the spy gets tied to a chair while the captor uses pleasure and pain alternatively to pump them for information them. You can do this until they are forced to ‘divulge the secret codes’ (their safe word).

The Roadside Police Stop

Dressed as a police officer, pull your partner over and ask to see their license and registration. Maybe they aren’t cooperating or maybe they just seem suspicious, but you better ask them to step out of the car and handcuff them. Frisk them to make sure they’re not dangerous, and then decide from there whether you need them to get into the backseat of your car.

The Great Escape

Use your best dirty talk and what body movements you can manage while all tied up to convince the stoic guard that you’re innocent(ish)and need to be freed. Of course, you’ll reward them for doing so.

Dirty Dancing

The dancer gets to pick the song that they think is the sexiest and show off their moves until their patron gets too handsy. Use something you have around the room or a prop like stockings to keep the patron restrained to their chair, and then they have to struggle against their bonds while the dancer continues their strip tease.

The Boss and the Secretary

When one of you plays the boss, the other can be the eager-to-please assistant or even one who has been slacking off terribly; either way, the paperwork has been mounting up for too long and it’s about time the two of you got down to a bit of long overdue after hours admin.

Teacher and Pupil

A traditional, of course. One plays the teacher, the other the student. Who the gets to be the naughty one is up to you. Is it a teacher that says you have to earn your “A” or is it a student that wants to get out of staying after class? The fun is even better if you can find a costume.

Taken by Force

Many scenarios include the submissive being taken by “force”. One fun technique that can make this more fun is to buy cheap clothing from a thrift store that can be torn, sliced, or cut off the submissive. Cheap, disposable clothing can lend a fun air of realism to the scenario.

No matter what sort of fun you get up to, whether you choose one of these scenarios or your own, you’ll learn a lot about what you are interested in, what turns out to be hot in reality and what doesn’t. Don’t take any as a failure. It’s all a learning experience that should fulfill you and add spice to your life!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 13, 2017 07:00

How to Turn BDSM Fantasy Into Reality – Taking What You’ve Read or Seen Into Your Bedroom

It’s no secret that 50 Shades of Gray is a huge media success. It’s brought about fame for the author and attracted many people to the theaters to see the film adaptation. But it has also brought curious people to this site and many like it for answers and exploration. Many people first get introduced to BDSM via media. Books, movies and tv shows are beginning to describe kink in a variety of manners and just enough to titillate you but not teach you how to do this in your own bedroom. While I would never directly copy anything you read in a book of fiction or from TV and films, it is a great starting point for conversation and potential kinky fun in the bedroom. Maybe even a complete relationship shift.

So, you’ve come here looking for how to make those fantasies and hot stories something real; something you can experience for yourself. Let’s try to get your training wheels in place so you can go into your first conversation and foray into hot kinky sex with open eyes.

Safety First

It may go without saying far too often, but many of the things we do as far as kink in the bedroom has risks. Often not just physical ones, as some play has mental and emotional minefields. Taking the time to learn some basic safety in the form of Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and a safeword will go a long way to making your play safer and you’ll be more aware of the risks.

Start Here: Don’t Begin Exploring BDSM Until You’ve Read the Basics
How Do I Know What I Like? I’m Brand New
Personal Safety Mantra: Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC)
Why SSC and RACK Are Both Important Safety Acronyms to Know
A Safe Call Could Save Your Life: How to Set It Up
Safeword
Hard and Soft Limits? The Sooner You Know About Them The Better
The Basics of Negotiating a BDSM Scene
Start Small

Movies have teams of experts and lots of editing to get things looking the way they do. You need to learn things a bit slower. Try one new activity or toy at a time and don’t expect it to be perfect the first time. It’s about the journey in exploration, not making it look like it does in your head or on the screen.

The Anatomy of A Scene: What Happens?
How to Use Role Play to Spice Up Your Sex Life
Anal Play: Beginner to Stretch in No Time
Explain It To Me: The Draw of Being Spanked
Exploring Face Slapping
Pet Play and Human Pets
Perspectives: Flogging
Perspectives: Rope Bondage
Predicament Bondage
Perspectives: Gags
Perspectives: Canes
My Time on the Edge: Exploring Rimming
5 Types of Naughty Talk
Getting Started with Exploring Erotic Hypnosis
Decide on your Roles

Who is going to be the bottom and the top? How will you know the start and end of playtime. Roleplay, mini ritual. Phrases and words you can use to enhance your playtime experience.

BDSM Basics: Am I Dominant or submissive?
What is a slave, sub, and a bottom?
The Differences Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
Five Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Manipulate Your Vanilla Man into Being a Dominant
What is a Switch?
Get Yourself Some Resources

If you don’t feel comfortable experimenting without some information to back it up, here are some excellent resources to get you started on.

Once you’ve learned what you can without toys, you may want to get some basic cuffs or a paddle. They aren’t necessary, of course, to have a great time, but they do add to your kink buffet choices. Here’s some tips and ideas for your first toys and how to care for them to keep them playing for you for a long time.

Talking Shop – Tips for Purchasing BDSM Toys
Holiday Gift Guide: 15 Toys and Tools for Beginning Dominants
Tips for Taking Care of Your BDSM and Sex Toys
My Toys Or Yours? Building Your Own Toybag On a Budget
Common Pervertables Around the Home You Can Use for BDSM Play
Chat Night Transcript from Pervertables Talk with FroggyKM

Hopefully, with these tips and links you’ll be well prepared to start exploring those fantasies and heating up your sex life with kinky play. If you’ve browsed these links and can’t find an answer to your question then use the comment section below and the community here will try to help you out!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 10, 2017 07:00

[Video Post] Define This! Punishment and Funishment

Welcome to a mini-series here on the channel that I’m going to call Define This! In this series you are welcome to ask me to define terms found in the BDSM and D/s lexicon that you don’t know and I will make a brief video defining it for you. Sounds simple enough, right? I want to post as many of these videos as possible so don’t be shy asking me about terms you’ve come across.

Today I’m talking about the difference between punishment and funishment. It’s common to get these mixed up, especially in online forums, so let’s get them settled right here.

Punishment

Punishment is chastisement for misbehavior. If you are in a dynamic that includes discipline you might have a punishment dynamic as well. This would mean that there are defined consequences for breaking rules and slipping in your Dominant’s expectations. Punishment for your behavior can vary widely and can include physical punishment like spanking or it can be a removal of privileges, and even a mixture of the two. Punishment in this situation is never meant to be fun or pleasurable for either party.

Not all relationships have a punishment dynamic to them and those that do, know that punishment is no laughing matter. But that doesn’t stop others that don’t know the difference from mixing it up with funishment.

Funishment

Funishment is when a submissive does something to intentionally get the Dominant to play punish them. A scenario would be something like this, a submissive is teasing her Dominant. He tells her to stop. She says, “oh, so if I don’t stop, what will you do? (wink wink) Will you punish me?” “Yes, I’ll spank that tart bottom until it’s all red, that’s what I’ll do.” “Then I’m never going to stop! (giggles)” Essentially in this situation the sub wants to play and instead of just coming out to ask for it, like I teach on the site, they try to instigate the Dominant’s ire in order to get what they want. Be careful though because if the Dominant isn’t the funishment type, then this could earn the submissive a case of real punishment that they weren’t looking for!

Another way that the term punishment gets misused is to describe impact play. Often misused online, a person might come into a forum and ask how to punish their submissive with a certain implement and have no reason other than mutual pleasure to do so. Again, punishment is not meant for fun.

Once you understand the difference then less confusion will result.

Do you have a term you’d like defined? Leave a comment!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 08, 2017 07:00

A Lesson on The Importance of Online Safety from Kitty Thomas’ “Tender Mercies”

In my continuous effort to read the books that have been in the bottom of my Kindle, I came across Kitty Thomas’ Tender Mercies. It wasn’t until I finished it and was writing a review that I realized what a great lesson this piece of fiction can teach those in the lifestyle, especially those that are new. Before I go on any further, I do want to issue a trigger warning. This article will talk about abusive situations, so this may not be for everyone.

Tender Mercies tells the story of Grace. She wants to submit but feels that up to this point, that all she’s been doing is playing at being a slave and is wanting a serious relationship. She finds out about Eleu, an island where owners legally own their slaves and the slaves are stripped of all legal rights. Grace meets Lucas, a master who lives on the island. Over the next year, they talk online and see each other via webcam. Shortly after they hit the year mark of talking online, Lucas starts pushing Grace about whether or not she is coming to the island to be his slave. She isn’t sure, but he keeps pushing her to make a decision, telling her that they both want more than just an online relationship, that he has given her more than plenty of time to get to know him and to find out about him, and that most of all, he’s tired of waiting. After giving her a week of the silent treatment, he asks Grace again if she’s coming. After the week of the silent treatment, she’s terrified of losing Lucas, she tells him that she will be coming to Eleu. The last thing Lucas tells her before she leaves is that he is a hard master. Once Grace arrives on the island, she realizes what kind of man Lucas is and what he meant by being a hard master. He automatically burns everything she brought with her, including the clothes on her back, then he chains her naked in a cold dungeon. He beats her to the point of scarring, starves her, and other terrible, terrible things.

When I wrote my review, I said that people who are new to the lifestyle should read this book because it is a great example of how one can never be too careful, especially when the communication is strictly online. I know the example from the book is an extreme one, but unfortunately, things similar to what happened to Grace do happen in real life.

The Internet has been a great thing for people in the lifestyle. It’s made things easier for kinksters to connect and share ideas and opinions with one another. It’s given people the chance to meet people they would have never met otherwise. It gives those who are new a chance to get their feet wet until they’re ready to venture out to a local group. People have even found their partners online. But despite all the wonderful things that have come with the Internet, there have been a whole new set of dangers as well. It’s easier for people to pretend to be someone they’re not and I’m not talking about just lying about physical appearances. It has given those who are, for lack of a better term, predators, the chance to prey on people and has made it easier for them to do so. We have all read on Fetlife from people who have fallen prey to these predators, especially those who are new to the lifestyle.

There are a lot of risks that comes with meeting people online. Yeah, you can get a feel for who they are, but that’s only from what they’re willing to show and tell you, and vice versa. It’s so much easier to keep up a fake facade than it is in person and predators totally use that to their advantage. It’s so easy to have honey dripping from your lips when the person can’t see the sharp that are behind those lips. And that is exactly what those predators are counting on.

Some people do totally blow off online safety. Some people think when the topic is brought up, that a big deal is being made over nothing. Online safety isn’t something to just brush off and ignore, especially within the lifestyle when the things that we do already carry a lot of risks and require a great amount of trust from both sides.

I totally don’t want to lecture here. I know lecturing isn’t fun to hear. I can’t stress the importance of keeping yourself safe when actually meeting people from online in person. Have a safe call in place. Meet in public for a while before venturing to one another’s homes or to a hotel room. Don’t just focus on lifestyle related stuff. Keep an eye open for red flags. I’m gonna throw some links here too with some more information, because like G.I. Joe says, knowing is half the battle. Keep yourself safe and protected.

Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online

Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off

Offline/Online BDSM Safety Rules

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 07, 2017 07:00

Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol (Part 3 of 7) – Cruising With Class

by Ambrosio. This was first published on Ambrosio’s site and has a free to distribute license. Abrosio dedicated this article to Beverly M. in Austin.

Expectations of Sex

BDSM is not always about sex. BDSM is not synonymous with swinging, swapping, or Polyamory — although it’s possible for it to co-exist with these lifestyles. A BDSM relationship can consist entirely of kinky role-playing and sex or have no sexual involvement at all. What is more you don’t have to have sex if you’re playing with someone.

Cruising

When attending a BDSM or Leather function, don’t assume someone you’ve never met before is there for your pleasure. That “buffet attitude” insults everyone. It dismisses the “entree’s” prerogative, loyalty, and ability to choose. It also says something about the offender’s sense of self-worth. He is relying on an assumed role rather than his own merits and abilities to find a partner.

It’s a popular maxim in the scene that “Submission is a gift.” The submissive chooses the dominant. (I’m from the school of thought that every thing the top does should be beneficial to the submissive. As someone said “Topping is the ultimate act of submission.”)

Way back in the 1970s Larry Townsend wrote about the M’s (masochist’s) prerogative in choosing a S (sadist). In the Leatherman’s Handbook he writes:

An S can usually make himself emotionally available on much shorter notice than the M. This has given rise to one of the unwritten rules of cruising: The S should let the M know he wants him, but he shouldn’t push. … There are contrary opinions, mostly to the effect that the S should command the action and the M should obey. There is a certain logic to this, as well; but if the M isn’t ready for you, he will not be nearly so responsive. (p.63)

Approaching a Couple for Play

You might want to play with someone who is already in a BDSM relationship.

Generally speaking, approaching a couple you are not acquainted with to request play or sex simply because you find one of them attractive is no more acceptable in a BDSM situation than it is in a Vanilla setting. While polyamory and serial monogamy are well represented in the scene, the greater minority of people are involved in or seeking monogamous relationships.

But if you think there would be reasonable opportunity to play with part of a couple — or both of them — generally you would do well to approach the one in charge. As Drew Campbell explains in The Bride Wore Black Leather:

If you’re interested in a top, speak directly to that person. If you’re interested in a bottom who is with another top, approach the top first; if the bottom speaks for him- or herself, you’ll be referred to him/her. (p. 142)

I would also warn against sending a submissive to her dominant to request permission to play with the submissive. You would be in effect sending someone else’s submissive on an errand on your behalf. It’s more respectful and courteous to ask the dominant yourself.

Jus Primae Noctis

Jus primae noctis (law of the first night) or droit du seigneur (the lord’s right) is the historically dubious right that kings and lords exercised to be first to sleep with the brides when their subjects married. According to Cecil Adams in his “The Straight Dope” column for 20-Dec-1996, it didn’t exist.

That doesn’t stop some of our “community leaders,” “wise elders,” and party hosts from adopting this colorful tradition for their own benefit. While they don’t explicitly state the right, it’s implicit in their presumptive manner at parties and munches. They can be a little bit too casual in greeting and interacting with attractive members of the opposite sex (or the same sex if they are so inclined) — attached or unattached, dominant or submissive, straight or gay. It can take many forms:

A dominant explains to the novice married couple that the submissive woman needs an experienced dominant — such as himself — for her first BDSM experience.
The party host repeatedly grabs an attractive dominant woman around the waist and reminds her that he should top her sometime. (If it’s unacceptable for his other guests to do so and if he wouldn’t do so at someone else’s party, then he’s taking unfair advantage of the situation.)
A dominant generously offers one of his many submissives for play to another dominant but then expects something — such as the other dominant’s girl friend for play — in return.
Under the guise of protecting submissives from predators, a dominant might take a vulnerable submissive under her protection — without consulting with the submissive first — and monopolize the submissive’s time, steer the submissive away from eligible attractive dominants, and generally collar the submissive without negotiation.

The lords and ladies in these situations are taking unfair advantage of their status in the community or their positions as the party hosts and hostesses to intimidate and deflect criticism. Novices and party guests don’t want to be rude to VIPs and their party hosts. But the lords and ladies are behaving like predators and acting unacceptably.

Links About Cruising and Dating
“Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off” by Ambrosio
“Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman” by Jay Wiseman
“Some Notes on Networking, Cruising, and Dating” by Ambrosio
“Letter to a Friend” by Wanderer: Advice for married people.
“Finding a partner“ – from the “SSB-B (Soc.Subculture.Bondage-Bdsm) FAQ“
“Three Essays on Finding a Domme” by Ms Margo
“How To Court a Dominant Woman” by Laura Goodwin (from the Laura Goodwin site)
“What is Healthy and UnHealthy Communication?“
“Ask the Therapist: How Do I End a Relationship?” by William A. Henkin, Ph.D.
For more links visit the “Dating and Communication” section of Ambrosio’s BDSM Site
Related Posts:
The Chase is On – Communicating Openly With Your Dominant
Don’t Touch Other People’s Property: The Golden Rule at BDSM Functions
How to Revive Your Service When Protocol Becomes Boring
Book Review: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
Where All The Dominants Are and How to Find Them

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 06, 2017 07:00

Ask Anything – Am I Too Clingy for Submission?

Dear Submissive Guide,

I’m feeling confused about service, sub drop, and my emotions. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now. He is my first Master and I am his first sub but we did explore these sides of ourselves very early on into our relationship. Right away I felt that I wanted to be a service sub and I wanted to be that way completely. The truth is though that I wound up finding this far too emotionally difficult on me. I couldn’t handle waiting for him at home having done all the housework and gotten all lovely for him and not feeling like I was getting credit for it. I was just too emotionally vulnerable and I’m a clingy person to begin with but this drove it a bit further. Within a year I was pulling away from service and more into a regular ‘vanilla’ relationship with only our sex falling under this category. I knew my ‘clingy-ness’ had annoyed him and my emotional vulnerability was too much for me to handle. I was becoming depressed, it was almost like a very extended sub-drop. So I tried not to be clingy but in the process I felt that I was losing myself in this relationship and became a bit emotionally numb.

Recently we’ve talked and become so close again and have begun re-exploring and re-entering this world. With caution I’ve asked to keep it limited to the bedroom but the truth is I’m not sure that’s what I want or that it’s even entirely possible for us. I’m so naturally inclined towards service, the moment I enter this submissive role it comes roaring out in everything I do and it trickles into the other areas of my life. I feel like I’ve begun to find myself again but I see myself becoming clingy and emotionally vulnerable again and I’m worried that I don’t know how to deal with this in a healthy way for myself and for my relationship. Also, just a small side question, sometimes I get really mad when he tries to dominate me outside the bedroom when I’m in a bad mood, do you ever feel that way and, if so, how do you deal with that? I’m hoping you have some advice for me.

Sincerely,
Worried About Being Clingy

Dear Clingy,

What you’ve described in your relationship with your boyfriend and Master is more typical than you realize. It sounds to me like you both jumped in your D/s dynamic with both feet and maybe did a little too much, too soon.

At the same time, it’s possible you were going through sub frenzy – a time for many new submissives when the physical, mental, and emotional rush you get from submission clouds everything else. Typically, submissives rush in and try to do All The Things and then feel overwhelmed or, in some cases, burnt out. Sub frenzy can also be overwhelming for Dominants who don’t know how to handle their submissive’s enthusiasm and feel that things are happening too fast. This can cause them to pull away or shut down.

What that can mean is that you do everything in your power to be the perfect, doting, willing submissive and when your Dominant fails to recognize it, you get worried or resentful. This leads to misunderstandings, fear that you’re not enough or too much, and arguments.

Regarding your feelings of being clingy and emotionally vulnerable, these things are extremely common – especially with new submissives. Part of it could be sub frenzy, but part of it is that most of us have been taught we’re not supposed to need someone as much as many submissives need their Dominants, and so we wonder what’s wrong with us.

The best thing you can do is talk to your Dominant. Tell him how you feel. Tell him your worries and fears. It’s likely that what you really need to do is slow down in your exploration and have some patience. D/s is a learning process. You won’t be able to do all the things you want to do as a submissive from the very beginning. As you’ve probably figured out, trying to do everything before you’re ready leads to frustration, burn-out, and resentment.

And when you want more, you need to talk to your Master and let him know that you think you’re ready for more. Likewise, when you’re scared, nervous, or feeling vulnerable and emotional, you have to tell him that, too. Part of this D/s thing we do is learning how to rely on each other. If you want your Master to have control and power in your relationship (in or out of the bedroom), you also have to give him all the information so he can make the right decisions – or try to.

As for what to do when you get angry at your Dominant, you need to talk to him. D/s begins and ends with clear communication. You may be angry because you’re feeling overwhelmed or because your mind wasn’t on your submissive role. It could be resentment for other issues you haven’t worked out with him. There’s no way to know until you both sit down and have an honest conversation with each other about how you feel, what you want, and how you want to your D/s relationship to work.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 01, 2017 07:00

An Open Letter to Everyone Who Wants to Know What a D/s Relationship is Supposed to Look Like

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 10/29/16

A D/s (or M/s) relationship, for most of you reading this, you either have one or want one. For those of you who have never been in a D/s relationship before it comes as no shock that you want to know what it’s like and what to expect from it. And when people ask me what a D/s relationship is like, my first thought is that it is ‘like any other relationship,’ but that’s not entirely accurate. Let me tell you what the common misconceptions are and then we can talk about the reality of a D/s relationship. You may be surprised to learn that they aren’t as foreign as you think.

D/s relationships look no different from the outside. You likely won’t be able to spot them while out shopping or dining at your favorite restaurant, but I can assure you that you’ve likely encountered a couple in a D/s dynamic before. We aren’t as rare as you think. I can understand how you might think they’d be different. After all, you’ve just learned about BDSM or D/s and have been doing some reading and it sounds strange and very different to you. It might even go against your idea of feminism or gender equality and it’s beating at the doors of your personal belief of an equal and balanced relationship. But it’s really not that different and you don’t have to surrender your feminism or stand on gender issues to entertain the idea of a D/s relationship.

False Impressions

Much of what you pick up about D/s relationships and BDSM come from online and social media these days, and to be frank, a lot of it is garbage. A few of the things I picked up when I first started my submissive exploration had me very scared of entering a D/s relationship. Here are a few of the misconceptions of D/s relationships I had when I first started:

All D/s relationships are polyamorous or involve sharing of one or both partners. Monogamy doesn’t exist.
They are non-romantic partnerships and being in love is counter-productive.
Most people in D/s relationships are long-distance or have no intention of living together or marrying each other.
The submissive in the relationship has no outside job and is expected to wait hand and foot on the Dominant.
The submissive is naked all the time, there is a lot of playtime and is always chained up waiting on the Dominant’s whims.
A submissive in a D/s relationship has no opinion, lots of rules to follow and a strict discipline or punishment for misbehavior.

Now, these things are not complete myths, some of these things are perfectly normal D/s relationships styles. The point I’m trying to make is that expecting all of this or fearing you’ll have to submit to these things when you don’t want to just to have a D/s relationship is wrong. We all have needs and desires for our ideal partner and you don’t settle to have a D/s relationship, in fact, these needs and desires are important.

The Basics of a D/s Relationship

At the core of the D/s relationship is the conscious decision that one person leads and the other follows. Many (if not most) vanilla relationships are what I consider to be fluid, who leads or follows depends on the situation at hand, which means it can shift from one partner to another. This is not the case in a D/s relationship. Roles are defined and rigid so that one is always in control and the other always submits. Even in casual D/s relationships where there are on and off times, it’s still clear that one is the Dominant and one is the submissive.

I’ve also come to realize that BDSM relationships communicate far more openly and than the vanilla counterparts. Communication is a cornerstone of a strong relationship, vanilla or not, but through my experience and time watching the people around me develop relationships I’ve come to see that vanilla relationships often have more secrets or things that go unsaid. Which, in my opinion, leads to so much confusion it’s no wonder our relationships aren’t as strong as they can be.

The reality is that every relationship is unique and different based on the people in it. Trying to describe a generic idea of a strong D/s relationship is a short list. But the beauty is that there is so much we can personally add to our own idea of a relationship that will make it perfect for us. It will always be a mix of both people’s strengths that make a great D/s relationship.

D/s relationships are full of negotiation and compromise. Unlike scene negotiation, relationships negotiate more frequently and openly present what they want and need as its discovered. This helps the partnership stay balanced.

When a relationship is working well, it won’t attract attention from bystanders. When was the last time you saw a couple stand out from the crowd that wasn’t yelling or acting poorly? Often, a strong D/s relationship is even cloaked from friends in family. It’s hard to notice something odd when everything looks normal. And a D/s relationship is normal.

What D/s Relationships are NOT Supposed to Look Like

Unhealthy relationships abound; we’ve all encountered someone that isn’t good for us or friends that you wonder why they are together at all. There are a few things that should never happen in a healthy relationship, D/s dynamic or not.

1. Manipulation. If you feel manipulated into doing things you feel objectionable then you could be in a poor relationship.

2. Abuse. Many D/s relationships have elements of BDSM, but that’s consensual and meant to enhance the relationship. Abuse tears apart the trust and builds fear. It should never exist in a healthy relationship.

3. 24/7 Dungeon scenes. Yeah, our fantasies sound great, but you can not function if you are tied to the wall all day being flogged and fucked. A relationship is more than the fantasy.

4. Nonconsensual involvement of bystanders. Don’t parade your kink around the mall. You don’t need to walk on a leash at the grocery store. Forcing the public to witness your kink is inappropriate. There are discreet ways to do many of the things that push your buttons and the good news is they fly under the radar of the public. Keep the general population out of your play.

Everything we do to establish a D/s relationship is up for interpretation between the people involved. And as you can tell, there are very few established guidelines. What a D/s relationship is supposed to look like is whatever you feel it is the most healthy, functional way for you. Start with what you know about relationships and work from there. Find your wants and needs, write them down if you need to. And stick to it.

Relationships are complex, which is why each is unique and works or doesn’t work for the people within it. Make sure you aim for the best possible relationship that will fulfill your needs and you’ll never go wrong.

Thoughts to Ponder

How would you describe your current or previous D/s relationship?
How would you answer the question, “What is a D/s relationship supposed to look like?”
What would you like to know about D/s relationships?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 30, 2017 07:00

Simply Service e-Zine: November 2005

We’re back again this month with another look back at a resource from the past. Remember, much of the content of these newsletters is still relevant today so take some time to read it!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

In to the November edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

November 2005

Download Now!

My Journey from Submissive to Slave… and the Miracle of Being “at His feet.” by slavedebbie
Community Unity by Master Kalan
Time Management by kessia
Declutter 101 by Tante Jen
Metamorphosis by slave a
Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela
Essay. “Why I am property, livestock” by E Missy Hall
Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Related Posts:
Simply Service e-Zine: September 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: August 2005
Simply Service e-Zine from November 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: January 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: July 2005

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 25, 2017 07:00