Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 6

How do you handle a 24/7 D/s relationship breakup?

Full Question: How do you handle a 24/7 D/s relationship breakup? Answer:  A breakup is hard, no matter what kind of relationship you were in. You’ve invested time and emotions to build what you hoped would be a lasting relationship, only for it to end. The end of a D/s relationship comes with all the

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As a follower, how can you help your partner lead without doing the leading?

Full Question: What advice do you have for subs who are more experienced than their counterparts? How can you, as a follower, help them lead without doing the leading? Answer:  What an exciting experience! It’s common for one partner to have more experience than the other. There are a few things you can do to

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What’s the difference between unicorn polyamory and a being in a throuple?

Full Question: Can you talk about the difference between a unicorn and being a partner in a throuple where 2 partners are married? Oh, and while I am at it, tips for successful throuples! Relationship Agreements, communication, etc Answer:  What a great question! Unicorn polyamory is the term for when two people who are in

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How do I know if I’m a Switch or just a brat?

Full Question: How do I know if I’m a Switch or just a brat? Because I know I enjoy being dominated, but the other part is what confused me. I’m confused if what I thought of as ‘enjoy to dominate’ is just me being a brat. There are times that I do like having control,

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How do you end a dynamic as a submissive?

Full Question: Ending a dynamic as a sub feels SO hard. The desire to please is so strong. Help? Answer:  Breaking free from a relationship not serving you is hard, no matter how you identify. As a submissive, you may have a high inclination to submit to the person you no longer want to be

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What To Do When You’re Unhappy in Your D/s Relationship

You’re a submissive in your first D/s relationship. It’s not the exact relationship you want – maybe your partner’s still married, maybe you are, maybe you’re long-distance – but it’s okay. You love how submitting to your Dominant makes you feel. The voice they use, the kink you do together, and the realization it makes you feel good – it’s like a drug. You always want more.

But something’s not right. Your Dominant isn’t communicating like they used to. Maybe they shut you out completely or just refuse to talk about what’s going on.

At the same time, you’ve learned more about yourself as a submissive, and you need more. Everything is off, and it’s leaving you unfulfilled, confused, and, let’s be honest here, miserable.

What do you do now?

Talk About It

The sad fact is that sometimes our needs go unfilled in our D/s relationship because we never talk about them. We say things like, “I don’t want to seem too clingy” or “I’m afraid of driving my partner away.” But if your lack of fulfillment and contentment, bothers you, it’ll never get better if you keep your mouth shut.

When we talk about communication in Dominance and submission, a lot of people think about negotiating our kinks or figuring out what we want to be called. Yes, that’s an important part, but communication doesn’t stop there. You have to be able and willing to say the hard things like, “I need more than this” or “I want something different.”

The reality is that you might not get what you want. Your partner might not want the same things you do. Which is part of the reason you’re not talking to them, isn’t it? But if you don’t, you’ll suffer in silence and eventually resentment, anger, and deceit will kill your relationship. By the end, you’ll be much more miserable than if you’d simply had an honest conversation and then dealt with your partner’s response.

What if They Won’t Talk to You?

You can’t force someone to talk to you. It’s even harder when there’s physical distance between you or you’re at different points in your life. But since the absolute basic necessity of any successful relationship (kinky or vanilla) is communication, you can and should expect your Dominant to talk to you on a regular basis. (Regular can be anything from once a day or once a week, but it should be something you agree on and can depend on.)

If your partner won’t talk to you or refuses to engage in a serious conversation, you are absolutely allowed to say it’s not acceptable. You can and should let them know you won’t accept the situation. As a submissive, I always advocate being polite, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be firm. The Dom who wants to make this work with you will, at minimum, let you say what you need to. And if you have a Dominant partner who constantly shuts you down, ignores you, or says you’re not allowed to voice an opinion, you need a new Dominant partner.

Waiting for Change That Doesn’t Happen

You’re thinking, “But wait, I’ve talked to my partner until I’m blue in the face and out of words but nothing changes.” Okay, so if you’re someone who’s already done the first part, congrats! You’ve done the first hard thing, now comes the second.

You’re unfilled, and your partner – regardless of what they said in your conversation – hasn’t made any changes or they did and it lasted all of five minutes. What do you do now? First, take a long look at your reality. Did you promise to make changes that haven’t happened too? Did something crazy or stressful pop up in their or your personal life?

Assuming nothing else is getting in the way of getting what you need in your own relationship, you now have a decision to make. Do you have another conversation to find out what’s really going on? Do you explain that something has to change because you don’t want a relationship like this? Do you walk away without looking back?

I can’t tell you what to do in your kinky relationship. What I will tell you is that there’s a difference between making an honest effort to change and burying your head in the sand and pretending everything is fine. I will also tell you that if you’re unfulfilled as a submissive, sometimes it’s not your Dominant who needs to change, it could be you.

But once you’ve had an honest conversation, all that’s left is to put in an honest effort. If that doesn’t happen, why are you still in this D/s relationship? Remaining in a relationship that’s unfulfilling and not improving is a waste of your time. If you have the ability to get out of it without too many problems (think divorce, child custody, or other big issues), there’s no reason to stay.

Do your part as a good partner to communicate, build trust, be honest, and do your best as a submissive. If your Dominant wants to maintain the relationship, they’ll do their best, too. If not, leave and find someone who can give you what you want. It’s much better to be alone than in a bad relationship.

Image via Pixabay

Related Posts:
Sub or slave; He says I’m slave, I say I’m sub, who’s right?
The Role Sex Plays in a D/s Relationship
Feeling Like a Parrot: Saying What He Wants to Hear Instead of a Sincere Response
New to D/s Relationships? Here’s Your Foolproof Guide to Starting Out – Part 1
An Open Letter to Everyone Who Wants to Know What a D/s Relationship is Supposed to Look Like

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

That Don’t Impress Me Much: Why You Should Not Withhold Your Safeword

During Cyber Monday sales, I decided to treat myself to a couple of new books. I bought The Trainer and The Academy, both by Laura Antoniou, books three and four in The Marketplace series. I have been a huge fan of this series for several years now and just recently reintroduced myself to it. I own the first two books but hadn’t bought any others yet. Of course, as soon as I got the confirmation that I had purchased the books, I instantly started in on The Trainer. Like with the first two books in the series, I was instantly sucked into the story and did not want to leave. While I was reading, I came across a passage that struck a chord and reminded me of a personal experience that I wanted to share with you.

I promise no spoilers, but the passage is about Michael, the main character of the story. He’s at a weekend long kink convention and comes across a pretty blonde that catches his attention, Karen. They decided to do a scene together during the weekend conference.

“Remember, be a good girl!” he warned. He hoped that wanting to impress him might keep her from using the ‘safe word’ which would make him stop the scene.

The reason this passage caught my attention is because it reminded me of something that I went through. For a few months, I was under consideration of a master and his slave. I had moved to Wisconsin to live with them. This was my very first experience with being in a 24/7 relationship. They normally spent New Year’s with a very close and personal friend of theirs, and this year was no exception. Before we made the drive to visit this friend, I was told that the friend would be scening with me and that he’s a sadist in every meaning of the word. I was also told that he didn’t allow safe words. This should have triggered something, but it didn’t. I just nodded my head and said ‘Yes Master’. Not going to lie, I was extremely nervous, but I chalked it up to everything being so new to me. This would be my first play party and I didn’t know what to expect. So, I totally shrugged it off.

The time finally came. The friend showed me around his dungeon, the equipment, the toys, told me what he would and wouldn’t be doing and asked if I was okay with everything. I said I was. He also reminded me about no safe word and I nodded my head that I understood. Then the torture began. A sadist he was. Not gonna lie. Clothes pins all over my breasts, twisted and slowly removed them. I remember gritting my teeth and bearing it. Then, the St. Andrew’s cross. I don’t know what he was using exactly to beat me, but my gawd it was very painful. It was a lot more pain than what I was used to. This was my first extreme heavy scene and I started screaming. I started crying. I started wiggling around. My mind was…I don’t know where it was. Or what it was doing. The next thing I know, I’m being taken down and wrapped in a blanket and asked why I didn’t use my safeword. I replied I was told that having a safeword wasn’t an option. I was then told that was a joke. I can tell you, I sure as hell was not laughing.

Being told that you don’t have a safeword is not a joke. It’s a red flag. I know there are s-types out there, probably more that identify as slaves than as submissives, who aren’t big on having safewords used in their relationship and that’s totally okay. What makes it okay is that it’s a decision that you reached together with your partner-not a decision that was made for you without your input. There are a lot of idiots out there who do call themselves doms and will tell those who are new and a bit a naive that they don’t need a safeword, that ‘real s-stypes’ don’t use safewords. It’s a load of crock and a huge warning that you need to stop talking to this individual because they do not know what they are talking about. You have nothing to prove to these individuals. They care more about getting a piece of kinky ass than your personal safety and well-being.

And about impressing a play partner by not using your safeword…no. It’s not a good idea. I’ve been there myself. Being involved in a scene longer than what you can handle-either mentally or physically is never a good thing. I felt that I had something to prove as a slave. That if I safeworded to end the scene then I was weak. I had to show just how great of a slave I am by taking whatever the person scening with me could dish out. There was actually one point where I went way, way past my limit and passed out on a piece of equipment. At the time, I saw it as a bragging right. “Oh look at me! I let so and so beat me until I literally, not figuratively passed out! Isn’t that so awesome?”. No, it is not awesome. It was stupid. It was unsafe. It wasn’t something to brag about. It wasn’t something to be proud of. It took me a few years and some maturing for me to realize this. There were also some underlying issues I wasn’t 100% aware of, but that’s for another time. If at anytime a dominant or a top tries to tell you(and I’m sure at some point, you will hear this), that if you want to be impressive, then don’t use your safeword, they’re idiots. Just because you can’t take a beating over there like Betty Jo can, doesn’t make you any less of a s-type or her better than you. Everyone has a different pain tolerance and forcing yourself to be the ‘ultimate pain slut’ doesn’t earn you a gold medal as a s-type. And despite sometimes what you may hear from some s-types, there really isn’t a reason to compete with others or to impress a top by not safewording when you need to.

I know I got a bit long-winded, but this is something I felt like I needed to share with others. I know that safe words is a topic that is talked about a lot in the community, and there’s a reason why. It is so, so, so super important to take care of yourself. If you don’t, then nobody else will. You can’t expect others to know how much you handle, and even with pre-scening negotiation, there’s still only so much you can expect the top to know.

Related Posts:
Safewords Are Not “Safe Words”
[Video Post] Beginning BDSM: Using Safewords for Safe Play
Safewords During Disciplinary Punishment: Yay or Nay?
After “Red” : How to Manage the Aftermath When You’ve Used Your Safeword
Using Your Safeword Is Not a Sign of Failure

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Sample Master/slave Contract with Ethical Non-Monogamy Section

This written contract is the evolution of our dynamic – after living as Dominant and submissive and then as Master/slave with no contract. This was our personal return to living under a written contract. I will also be providing our original D/s contract and our most recent contract to help see how one dynamic has evolved over time.

24/7 Master/slave Contract

Section One

I, XXXXXXX, with a free mind and open heart, do request of XXXXXX that He accept the submission of my will unto His and take me into His care and guidance, that W/we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect.

The satisfaction of His wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a slave to be found pleasing to Him. To that end, I offer Him use of my time, talents, and abilities.

 Further, I ask, in sincere humility, that as my Master, He accept the keeping of my body for fulfillment and enhancement of O/our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs. To achieve this, He may have unfettered use of my body any time, any place, and in front of anyone as He will determine.

 Master’s symbol of Ownership includes myself being collared as well as any future marks or tokens He may wish to bestow. Symbols of Ownership are a visible reminder of status and will be worn with pride. They signify Master’s control and the lifestyle chosen by me. The collar is to remain upon my neck at all times unless necessary. If such necessity should arise the collar should only be removed by Master or with Master’s approval if He is unavailable or for medical emergency.

 This agreement may be reviewed and amended at any time, but will be reviewed no less than once per month on the 1st of each month together.

Section Two: Code of Conduct

Duties of Servitude

-Above all, it is my duty as a slave to please.

-Personal duties: cater to the physical/emotional needs of Master, amusement, sexual toy/plaything, physical comfort, obedience, honesty, loyalty, waiting on Master as desired.

-Household duties: cleaning and keeping the home maintained, laundry, shopping for the home and Master, all cooking and baking, caring for the children, run errands. Any tasks assigned should be considered permanent until further notice.

 Behavior – General

 -Attitude: as a slave, I will show an attitude of respect at all times.

-Respect includes: manner of speech, promptness, keeling to serve (whenever appropriate), proper answers, obedience, and wholehearted honesty.

-I will address Master as either “Master”, “Sir”, ” Mister”, or given name at all times using the most appropriate term for the situation.

-Master come first (with exception to immediate childcare needs).

-I will dress as Master desires, including always doing my best to have a beautiful appearance.

 -Respect and obedience are the two most valuable aspects of attitude and I will show them at all times. Failure to do so will be punished as severe offenses.

Behavior – Specific

Upon Arrival Home: I will immediately greet Master with a smile and hug and kiss and then proceed to the garage to kneel before Him and remove His shoes.

Shower: Sunday (or other day off if it is changed) and any other day he may request. I will shower Master.

 Public settings: I will not argue or complain.

-I will remain within eyesight of Master unless permission is given to do otherwise and will return promptly.

 Family meals: Breakfast and Dinner- we will all sit down and eat together. It is understood that life happens and it is not always possible but this will be the expected norm. At breakfast we will discuss the ToDo list and plans for the day. At dinner we will do high/low and review the ToDo list and fitness/healthy eating program.

 Bedtime: Children’s -W/we will focus this time on the children and both parents will assist with no cell phones or any other distractions present.

-O/ours -I will kneel before Master and wait for permission to enter the bed or ask for permission if necessary.

 Eating out: no more than 2 meals per week per person.

 Healthy eating: use My Fitness Pal to track fitness and eating habits.

 Fitness: exercise at least three times per week.

 Alcoholic beverages: limited to a max of 2 per week.

 Play: every Sunday evening will be designated as play time.

 -Any time W/we play W/we will follow a standard protocol of kneeling, adding play collar, standing to embrace, and matching breathing.

Orgasm Control

- I am to achieve orgasm ONLY with Master’s permission or at his orders

Punishment

 -Will be given for disrespect or disobedience of any aforementioned guidelines as well as anything else Master may deem fit.

-Will result in full and complete penance for offenses.

-Will always fit the crime.

-will always be executed with full understanding of crimes committed.

 Safety

 Safe words are known but as follows and to be used to notify Master of any immediate issues. “YELLOW” will indicate an approach of maximum tolerance. “RED” will indicate reaching of maximum tolerance. Master knows me well enough that he may be able to help me push through and stretch my limits by pushing past “RED” in certain circumstances. I believe I am unable to continue “XXXXXXX” will indicate a complete stop of all activities.

Section three: Other Relationships

1. Any other relationship cannot cause U/us to sacrifice O/our dynamic.

2. Any other relationship cannot cause U/us to sacrifice O/our career or children.

3. If either feels a “spark”, interest, or any attraction of more than friends, it needs to be shared with spouse prior to sharing with anyone else, including that person. A simple text or phone call with confirmation received will suffice unless #4.

4. If spouse requests further discussion before moving forward, that request will be honored.

5. If contact is instigated by “other,” spouse is to be notified immediately and prior to any response being sent. Again text or phone call with confirmation received will suffice unless #4.

6. Flirty (see A) in person conversation is acceptable without prior consent from spouse, however spouse should be notified right away if this has lead to #3. If this conversation turns sexual (see B) then conversation needs to be put on hold until above can happen.

A. Flirty conversation is defined as plutonic conversation that could be had with anybody for the purpose of gauging connection. Can include discussion of sexual activities as long as not specific to any specific person/persons. I.E. What type of things are you into?

B. Sexual conversation is defined as fantasizing or discussing hypothetical sexual encounters with specific person/persons. I.E. I would love to take you out back and have you blow me.

7. Master has ultimate veto power, however He agrees to use it judiciously in order to not hinder growth. I do not, however, Master recognizes that I have excellent opinions and insight and my recommendations will be heavily considered.

8. Potential partners must be vetted twice as hard as normal. I.E. Read profiles completely, writings, pics, compare and speak to mutual friends…

9. If potential partner is attached in any way that partner must be spoken to and notified of intentions and given approval to proceed prior to engaging. If either refuses – DEAL KILLER.

Section Four: Master’s Creed

I offer the testimony in trust and sincerity.

I am a dominant man.

I am just that.

I am not dominant because of any superiority on my part.

Not because I feel more intelligent or wiser.

I am not dominant because of the strength or the mass of my body.

I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women.

Yet to you, I am Master.

I am your Master only after earning your trust.

I embrace your submissiveness.

I have looked into your heart and mind,

And clearly see your desires and passions.

You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions.

You tell me of the needs of your heart and body.

You have given me total access to your soul,

and I accept that responsibility and honor.

Your belief in me gives me courage and direction.

Your strength disperses my doubt.

Your needs and desires encourage

and give purpose to my efforts.

We are not equal.

We are halves of a whole.

We complement each other and make each other complete.

I dominate you only because you have allowed me to,

and when I see you body kneel before me

in my mind and heart,

you are raised above all other women

and all the treasures of the earth.

Within the bounds of our relationship

it is my duty to protect you,

and that you will know, that under my care;

no harm will come to you

as a result of actions taken by Me

or you.

This is my responsibility.

Section Five: Slave’s Pledge

 

I will do my best to serve my Master.

To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve Him and limit my growth as His slave.

To maintain open and honest communication.

To reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment.

To inform Him of wants or perceived needs, recognizing the He is the sole judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied.

To strive towards maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectations and goals.

To work with Him to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual.

To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims.

My surrender as a slave is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and will in no way diminish my own responsibilities towards making the utmost use of my potential. In recognition of my family obligations, nothing will be required of me that will in any way damage or harm my children, nor interfere with the performance of my duties as a mother or wife.

This I, XXXXXX, do entreat with lucidity and the realization of what this means, both stated and implied, in the conviction that this offer will be understood in the spirit of faith, caring, esteem, devotion, and love in which it is given.

Should either of U/us find that O/our aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any reason wish to cancel, E/either may do so by verbal notification to the O/other, in keeping with the consensual nature of this contract. W/we both understand that cancellation means a cessation to the Power Exchange dynamic indicated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of the relationship as friends, lovers, and spouses. Upon cancellation, each of U/us agrees to offer the other His or her reasons and to assess the new needs and situation openly and lovingly.

This agreement shall serve as the basis for our relationship with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving O/our lives.

Section Six: Signatures

This contract is valid from this day XXXXXXXX until cancelled.

I offer my consent as slave to XXXXXXXXXXXXXX under the terms stated above on this, the _______ day of ____________________ in the year ___________.

X________________________________

(Signature of slave)

I offer My acceptance of slavehood by XXXXXXXXX under the terms stated above on this, the ________ day of __________________ in the year ___________.

X________________________________

(Signature of Master)

Related Posts:
Contracts as a Road Map to Ever-Evolving Dynamics
What is a Contract?
What You Need To Know About Using Contracts to Negotiate a Relationship
Sample Master/slave contract – Basic
To Be or Not To Be – Poly, Mono, Mono-Poly Flexible

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

The Role Sex Plays in a D/s Relationship

from the 2/4/17 newsletter

When I was first learning about sex as a teenager there were a few key bits of information that the adults around me wanted to drive home. Sex was done in a loving relationship; remember “when two people love each other very, very much…”, as adults and only if you wanted children. Nothing was ever said about it feeling good, or that it was a fun, intimate way of expressing your sexuality and/or your affection for someone else. I had to learn that on my own. I was scared to death of catching a sexually transmitted disease because the adults made it sound like it was impossible to avoid. I even thought for a time, that all adults had an STI at some point or another with how prevalent they seemed to make them sound.

And also, what about the tales of wives withholding sex from their husbands when they were mad at them? To me, that told me that sex was valuable and that men would just bow down to women in order to get the sex (and children) that they so desired. What a messed up world view my mother instilled in me.

I do admit that I lead a very sheltered childhood when it came to sex education. My mother wouldn’t allow me to attend the sex ed workshops in school and then she avoided the subject at home. I believed that talking about sex, masturbation or feeling horny were taboo subjects that you never talked about with anyone and that sex was something only dirty, naughty people did for pleasure. For married persons, it was simply about making babies. Yeah, my childhood was repressed. But that never stopped me from searching for information on my own. It was pretty easy to find porn magazines and I read a lot of romance novels. When that wasn’t enough I practiced on my own… a lot.

It wasn’t until I started having sex at the tender age of 19 (gasp) that I realized something. Love had nothing to do with it. Sure, love made the sex I was having feel special, but I didn’t have to be in love to have sex and I certainly knew by then that I could take preventative steps for STIs and pregnancy. It became less taboo. I was still a bit confused with all the misinformation I had gathered, but I was gaining a real understanding that would stick with me.

Porn Shapes Our Thoughts on Sex

I love porn. I always have. It doesn’t even have to be good porn. If you don’t like porn or have never watched it yourself then you may not understand how porn can and does shape how you have sex, think of sex and fantasize about sex. But I figured that out pretty quickly. There are a few things about sex in porn that undid a lot of what my childhood “sexual education” tried to enforce in me.

It is rare that the couple in the scene are portrayed in a committed relationship. I’ve only ever experienced couples porn when it is marketed for women. It’s not just about the sex when it’s marketed for women, it’s about the emotional connection. Which is probably why I dislike porn marketed in this way. Mainstream porn suspends the relationship. You don’t really know how these two feel about each other and don’t really care as long as their parts fit together.
Most porn sets the stage that these people don’t really know each other before they strip off. Stranger sex is quite common in porn movies. Girl walks into the wrong locker room, delivery man gets paid the “old fashioned way”, woman just hanging out at a pool and a guy sees her and wants her. And these are if there’s a setup scene at all.
Group sex is quite prevalent. Even if it’s simply adding a partner, porn is filled with multiple people having sex together.
The porn stars are quite fit, flexible and acrobatic. No real couple has sex in some of the positions that they do – but that doesn’t stop people from measuring their sex with what they see in porn.
We tend to carry these impressions of what we’ve seen in the media into our relationships, and when they rarely measure up it can cause doubt in us that we’ll find the pleasure we crave. Now when you add BDSM or power exchange into the mix it makes sense that there are hesitation and fear, confusion and distrust in ourselves. How can we like so many of these things that seem to not show up in mainstream media, they aren’t talked about in sex ed and our family and friends certainly haven’t raised them.

It doesn’t have to be that way and many people who find D/s relationships also find the freedom to express whatever sexual desires they have and have less hesitation. What I’ve experienced through my D/s relationship is that sex becomes a more integral part of the relationship. You have it more often, you do more, explore more and the intimacy feels more powerful. It’s quite common that submissives will surrender their sexual desires and orgasms near the beginning of a relationship.

Sex in a D/s Relationship
While I can’t just lump everyone together into one group there are a lot of common themes when it comes to sex and orgasms in a D/s relationship. Most D/s relationships are between two or more committed partners, so sex is present in these couples.  Sex in my relationship is very important to keeping us both happy and connected, far more than I ever needed in my prior vanilla marriage. Not to mention a lot of the sex play in the bedroom that is D/s focused is intense and powerful. It’s worth it to me to have the openness about sex and making it an important part of the dynamic.

A huge part of a sexual D/s relationship is orgasm control. It’s hard to imagine my relationship with KnyghtMare without it. The first rule that was established when we were till an online relationship was the inability to orgasm without his permission. That included masturbating. If I wanted to masturbate during the off hours, the time between chats, I had to ask before we signed off and he would tell me how many times I could orgasm or whether I could at all. Surrendering your ability to give yourself orgasms makes you feel very vulnerable and under someone’s control. It’s a sexual heightening for many people.

If you can’t orgasm (10-15% of women never reach orgasm) then the orgasm control may come about in other situations such as how many orgasms the submissive is required to give a Dominant on a given day or you may be told to bring yourself to the highest level of sexual pleasure you can reach. So, even if you have never experienced orgasm yourself you may be tasked with working towards trying to orgasm anyway.

He also controls my ability to masturbate. He used to say I couldn’t masturbate without permission, but now I can masturbate as long as I tell him immediately after. The reason for the change was my own mental connection with masturbation and sexual desire as well as just not asking. Instead of asking to masturbate I’d just not. I didn’t want to bring awareness to my desire to masturbate for a couple reasons, one of which was I was just too embarrassed and the other was if I asked to masturbate I thought he’d think I didn’t desire him or that he’d want to do more than I was wanting to at the time. Over time I asked him if we could change is so I could masturbate whenever I wanted to increase my sexual desire and he added that I had to tell him when I masturbated as soon as I could after I had done so.

We have also played around with orgasm on command training. He’s always been strict about not having orgasms without permission while we played or had sex.  But learning to set a trigger has been something we’ve tried off and on to only mediocre success. It’s suggestive for me, but it doesn’t get me over the edge. It sure is fun, though!

Chastity is also a form of orgasm control that appears to be more prevalent in female Dominant/male submissive relationships but it’s not exclusive.

Initiating Sex

One part of sex play that has taken me a long time to finally accept is that a submissive can initiate sex. I suppose I was victim to stereotyping when I thought that only the Dominant could initiate sex without it looking like I was topping from the bottom. That’s just not true for many relationships. While there are exceptions to every rule, showing KnyghtMare that I’m turned on and want him makes him feel good and sexy and desired. That’s a huge boost to his ego and I’m certain it’s that way with a lot of men.  Submissives also have a hard time accepting that being horny and acting on it is okay. It’s a part of being human. If we can’t act on it, by at least telling our partners how we feel, then that can make us feel less important and less human. Embrace your horniness.

When a Dominant initiates sex it gives the submissive a strong feeling of them being in control, of asserting their dominance and of wanting them. It’s a powerful aphrodisiac to many submissives to have that level of control permeate the very air they breathe.  We all want to feel desired, but more often than not, a submissive also desires to be taken, devoured and craved.

As you can see, sex and how we’ve learned about sex can form our own opinions about how sexual D/s forms in our lives and how we respond to it. The emphasis of sex in a D/s relationship comes about in a variety of forms and is only limited by your imagination.

What other ways does sex play a role in your D/s relationship?
Related Posts:
Orgasm on Command Training – Ultimate Goals and Variations
Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training
A Fond Farewell to InformedConsent.co.uk
Learning About BDSM on YouTube.com
How Love Feeds Service in a D/s Relationship

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Simply Service eZine: May 2008

Hello again! This month with another look back at a resource from the past.  Remember, much of the content of these newsletters is still relevant today so take some time to read it!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

Into the May edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2008. (Last month we featured November 2006. There were no newsletters between November 2006 and May 2008.)

Is Slavery Real? by Darren
Productivity Tools
Training Outside of the Box by Bootpig
porkchops Rules of Bedding: Inside Info from a Retail Whore

May 2008
 Download Now!
Related Posts:
Simply Service eZine: November 2006
Simply Service eZine: February 2006
Simply Service e-Zine: November 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: September 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: August 2005

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.