Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 8

April 18, 2017

Sample Master/slave contract – Basic

This is our current contract, making adjustments from our other standard version that has served us so well over the years. Over time it became ingrained in us. I knew when to kneel, how he liked me dressed, what he expected to be called. We needed something lighter, less clunky. I have made available our previous contracts, including our original Dominant and submissive one and a Master/slave contract that included information about engaging with other people.

I honestly don’t know with certainty where we will grow from here, other than I know we will change again. These road maps are useful tools for navigating Power Exchange dynamics but like any map, it needs to be checked and changed and updated.

24/7 Master/slave Contract

We have reached a new place of growth and discovery.

It is not in that our old contract isn’t working anymore; it’s simply become ingrained in us to our core and we no longer feel the same admiration or dedication to the lengthy six or seven spelled out pages of basic respect and expected behavior, all of which is expected to continue on. No. This is our next level situation.

Our lives look different; our daily function altered. We are a household run by a busy and powerful King and that man needs an equally powerful and quick-witted queen making his life easier, more joyful, streamlined.

This is our new M/s.

XXXXXXXXXXXX is our Leader. His decision is final. He will make all decisions to the best of his ability and for the best of everybody in home. XXXXXXXXXXXX is to be by his side at all times for feedback, discussion, and ultimate support of decision-making. She is to keep herself ever growing intellectually and provide respectful strategic analysis to help XXXXXX become the strongest, healthiest, and most powerful Leader possible in his business and personal life. Behind every great Man is a great woman. This is our ultimate goal.

XXXXXXX will maintain XXXXXX’s Household Manual. It contains the ins and outs of the functioning of the dynamic, including protocols and rituals which can (and should) be reviewed and updated periodically. She can report the status of the book once weekly and as reward for the upkeep, XXXXX can choose one tool/toy to be used on her (maintenance spanking, small scene, orgasm, i.e.)

XXXXXX must ask permission to orgasm. She can once weekly reach orgasm alone but must report that orgasm by photo/video/writing/link within 24 hours.

This is a reward/punishment dynamic. It shall be up to the Master to do so as he sees fit.

Yellow slows the play for communication, Red shuts it down, both are deemed necessary and appropriate by XXXXXXX. XXXXXXX is to indicate a severe and final desire to end the dynamic in entirety.

Stay healthy, wealthy, and wise. Grow. Evolve. Play. Fuck. Communicate.

Let whatever turns us on lead the way.

X_________________________

Signed on:__________________ To be reviewed on:__________________

April 11, 2017

Submission Isn’t Easy-Nor for Your Convenience

The other day in a submissive’s group I’m in on Facebook, a member made a post about something her dominant wanted her to do, yet she was absolutely 100% against doing and was looking for help on how to get past her unwillingness. There were several comments and there was one in particular that caught my attention. The commenter had said that submission is a gift and that gift can be given or taken away at any time, especially when it comes to something you don’t want to do. That comment ruffled my feathers a bit. I gave the original poster my advice and my two cents about submission, which I’ll get to in a minute. Then later on my Facebook feed, I saw a picture that said “I don’t wannna isn’t a safeword” and things started clicking.

First off, I don’t buy into the school of thought that submission is a gift. I don’t have any problems with anyone who does. Submission is a highly personalized thing. I believe that you will never find two people who submit exactly the same way.

What got me about this comment is taking away your gift of submission when it comes to having to do something you don’t like. Typically, when you give someone a gift, you don’t take it back because you don’t like what the person is doing with it. I know what you’re thinking. ‘But Tequila, submission isn’t like giving a sweater or a DVD and it’s not fair to compare submission to a sweat or a DVD. Maybe it’s not, but a gift is a gift.

Submission isn’t easy. Submission isn’t about what you want to do. There are going to be times where submitting is going to make you want to stomp your feet and say no and question yourself and even your motivation for submitting. I’ve been there numerous times myself. I’ve been given orders by Daddy that I don’t want to follow and find myself struggling against what I want versus what He has decreed. Even when I didn’t agree with what He said, never once did I ever think of safewording. Just because you don’t want to, in my opinion, is not a valid reason to safeword. A safeword is there for your safety, not your convenience. If you use your safeword for your convenience, then you’re topping from the bottom. For me to use my safeword outside a scene, there’s a few questions I need to ask myself:

Is my safety at risk?
Is this act going to cause me permanent physical/mental damage?
Is this act going to cause me to break a law?

If for whatever reason Daddy gives me an order and that order cause me to answer yes to any of those questions, then you better believe I’m gonna use my safeword, as well as some other choice words.

I’m not trying to be judgmental or all “I’m better than you’, but I can’t help but getting upset when hearing or reading about people who think submitting is only on their terms of for their convenience. Like with other things in life, we all have to do things we don’t want to do-pay bills, clean the microwave(the one chore I hate doing more than anything), and numerous other things. How hard is it to do something that your dominant, the one person you love and trust completely, has asked that you don’t want to do?

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Published on April 11, 2017 07:00

April 10, 2017

Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol (Part 7 of 7) – In Closing

by Ambrosio. This was first published on Ambrosio’s site and has a free to distribute license. Abrosio dedicated this article to Beverly M. in Austin.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

In summary — play nice. BDSM is about playing games, and in the best games everyone has fun.

April 5, 2017

Feeling Like a Parrot: Saying What He Wants to Hear Instead of a Sincere Response

Dear Submissive Guide

I hit the jackpot with my first (and quite likely only) Dom. He is kind and considerate and well, treats me like a queen. He makes being submissive to him so wonderful. But, in the rare times, we don’t see eye to eye and he tells me what he wants, he will follow it up with what I am to say in response. I say it but it feels contrived when I just parrot him word for word. If I change it at all so it’s coming from the heart and a desire to be sincere he gets upset. I love him beyond measure and I don’t ever want to feel like I’m not being sincere in my desire to please him or in my expression of love for him. What do I do?

Sincerely
Feeling Like a Parrot

Dear Parrot,

I’m trying to be open-minded in considering your question because the idea that you’re required to repeat back word-for-word a response your Dominant wants really bothers me. Especially when you add that if you change it even the slightest to feel more sincere, he becomes upset. I understand this seems to be a form of discipline that you’ve consented to and it works for you.

Assuming this is a safe, healthy relationship, my answer is fairly simple. You need to talk to him. Let him know you want to serve and be obedient – which is what I’m gleaning from this requirement of his – but it makes you feel insincere and like a parrot.

While the desire for you to be obedient and do exactly as you’re told in all things isn’t uncommon in some D/s relationships, you have every right to discuss this issue with your Dominant. It may be that he can explain his thinking to you so you understand why he wants to hear the specific words. It could be that he’ll understand your desire to feel like the words you say are more sincere.

What troubles me about this is that, although disagreements are rare (though not uncommon in D/s relationships), you don’t seem to have the freedom to express how you really feel. What happens when you don’t agree with what he wants you to say? How can you move on from an argument or a disagreement if your heart really isn’t in the resolution?

On the chance that this has become more common over time or you’ve found yourself saying things you don’t mean or having unresolved issues over a disagreement, you may need to have a much harder conversation. No matter how tightly controlled your dynamic is, you have to have a mechanism in place to express your real feelings and emotions. You have to be able to say what you think. Sure, as submissives, we may need to be more respectful in our tone and actions because of the relationship you’re in, but it doesn’t mean we don’t get to have our own opinions or to share them.

This is a basic right and necessity in any D/s relationship. Even some of the most tightly controlled Master/slave relationships I’ve witnessed had some way of dealing with problems and communicating to resolve disagreements. Your relationship should be no different.

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Published on April 05, 2017 07:00

April 4, 2017

Sample Dominant/submissive Contract

This written contract is an excerpt from Darling Discovered:A True Story of Submission. This is my recounting of the year my husband and I began exploring Power Exchange both inside and outside of the bedroom. Feel free to use this contract as a template for what will or will not work for your relationship. I will also be providing our Master/slave contract and our most recent contract to help see how one dynamic has evolved over time. (coming soon)

24/7 Dominant/submissive Contract

I, Chloe Donnovan, with a free mind and open heart request of Leo Donnovan that he accept the submission of my will unto him. I ask that as my Dominant, Leo Donnovan takes me into his care and guidance and encourages growth together in love, trust, and mutual respect. It is my desire as a submissive to satisfy his needs and desires whenever possible, in hopes that I will be found pleasing to him. In order to do so, I offer him the use of my body, abilities, and purpose.

Further, I ask that as my Dominant, he will accept the responsibility of using my body for the fulfillment and enhancement of both of our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs. In order to achieve this, he has unrestricted use of my body any time, any place, and in front of anyone as he determines appropriate.

As a Dominant, Mr. Donnovan may bestow upon me any symbol of ownership, including a collar, as well as any other future marks or tokens he may wish to bestow upon me. Symbols of ownership are to be a visible reminder of status and will be worn with pride.

Section One: Code of Conduct

Duties of Servitude

-Above all, the primary duty of this submissive is to please.

-Personal Duties: Attend to the physical and emotional needs of Mr. Leo Donnovan, behave as his sexual plaything, offer physical comfort, act in obedience, remain honest and loyal, wait on the Dominant as desired.

-Household Duties: Cleaning and maintaining the home, laundry, shopping, all cooking and baking, running all errands as needed. Any task assigned should be considered permanent until further notice. Tasks may be added at any time.

General Behavior

-Attitude: As a submissive, I will show an attitude of respect at all times. Disrespect is a serious offense and will be punished.

-Respect includes: manner of speech, promptness, kneeling to serve (when able), proper answers, obedience, and wholehearted honesty.

-Respect and obedience are the two most valuable aspects of attitude that I will show at all times. Failure to do so will be punished. Behavior in Private

-I shall address Mr. Donnovan as “Sir” or “Mister” at all available times. I will pay full attention to him when being spoken to.

-My Dominant is more important than any other activity I may be engaged in with the exclusion of immediate child care needs.

-I will sit, stand, walk, kneel, and lay where, when, and how he desires.

Behavior in Public

-I will address my Dominant by his given name or “Mister” at all times when there is not enough privacy to use the aforementioned “Sir.”

-I will remain within eyesight of my husband unless permission is given to do otherwise. -I will be courteous and prompt at all times.

-I will dress as Mr. Donnovan desires. I will do my best to always have a put together appearance in any social setting where I represent my husband.

-I will not argue or complain in public.

Training

-Training activities will include: domestic skills training, offering of self every evening on bended knee, proper answers, orgasm control, anal training to increase my ability to offer every hole as he wishes, learning to present myself as a submissive full of poise, grace, and beauty in public and private, learning protocols and rituals throughout this contract on an as-needed basis; any other training activities as Leo Donnovan deems fit.

Orgasm Control

-I am to achieve orgasm only by express permission of Mr. Leo Donnovan. -I understand that a submissive’s orgasms are controlled for proper training and reminding me that it is with my Dominant’s good grace that sexual pleasure is brought, providing motivation, physical and sexual energy. Mr. Donnovan will allow me this reward when he desires.

Punishment

Punishment will be given for the following offenses:

-Cockiness/rudeness

-Disobedience

-Incorrectly addressing Mr. Donnovan

-Failing to properly serve

-Achieving orgasm without consent

-Any other punishable offense as dictated

Forms of Punishment

-Punishments can include: spanking, nipple pinching, cropping, hair pulling, withholding of orgasm, caning, any other punishment as he sees fit.

-Punishments are intended as full and complete penance for offenses. Punishments should always fit the crime, and would be executed with full understanding that once over, the issue is over.

Section Two: Limits of D/s Contract

Limits of submissive

-Hard: Bestiality, pedo play, branding, cutting, injections, scarification, permanent markings (excepting mutually agreed upon tattooing), any toilet play, animal play, catheter use, diaper use, gun play, permanently giving away to another Dominant, infantilism, prostitution, illegal activities.

-Soft: Humiliation, fisting, electricity, temporarily giving away to another Dominant, spitting, slapping.

Safety

Safe words for the duration of the contract will be the same in public and private settings. “Red” will indicate an immediate stop to all activities. “Yellow” will indicate an approach to the limits of play.

Section Three: Submissive’s pledge

I will do my best to serve my Mister.

I will work hard to correct any insecurities or inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve you.

I will grow as a person.

I will maintain honest and open communication.

I will reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without fear of judgment or embarrassment.

I will bring you any wants and perceived needs of mine.

I will be the very best mother and homemaker possible.

I will work to repair our marriage.

I will not hold past mistakes against you.

I will do what I can to try and trust again.

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person and in no way diminish my own responsibilities towards making the utmost use of my potential. In recognition of my family obligations, I know nothing will be required of me that will in any way damage or harm my child or interfere with the performance of my duties as a mother and as a wife.

This I, Chloe Donnovan, do entreat with lucidity and the realization of what this means, both stated and implied, in the conviction that this offer will be understood in the spirit of faith, caring, esteem, devotion and the love in which it is given.

Should either of us find that our aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either Mr. or Mrs. Donnovan may do so by verbal notification to the other in keeping with the consensual nature of this contract. We both understand that cancellation means a cessation to the power exchange dynamic indicated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of the relationship as friends, lovers, and spouses.

Upon cancellation, each of us agrees to offer the other his or her reasons and to assess the new needs and situation openly. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of our relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consensual Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving both lives.

Section Four: Signatures

This contract is valid from this day of signing until this date ________________, and at that it may be renewed or renegotiated if the Dominant and/or submissive is of that interest.

I offer my consent of submission to __________________ under the terms state above on this, the ______ day of ___________ in the year ______.

x_________________ (Signature of submissive)

I offer My acceptance of submission by _________________ under the terms stated above on this, the _____ day of __________ in the year ______. x_________________ (Signature of Dominant)

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Published on April 04, 2017 07:00

April 3, 2017

New to D/s Relationships? Here’s Your Foolproof Guide to Starting Out – Part 2

This is part two of the guide to starting D/s relationships. If you missed part 1, you may want to go and read that first.

In the previous article, we talked about how a relationship develops in basic terms, why it’s important to identify the mechanics and what more you can expect from a D/s relationship. All relationships, no matter what format they take, will start in similar ways. You’ll get to know one another, explore your likes and dislikes and discuss your hopes and dreams. Somewhere in there you may find an attraction to the person and decide you’d like to enter into some committed relationship with them. Again, that’s just the basics, for further reading, check out the previous post. In this article, we’ll talk about negotiating a D/s relationship as well as expectations for both partners and the whole “in role” mentality.

Making any relationship work requires negotiation, give and take and a balance of power and responsibilities. Even D/s relationships have these things, although you may not see them as such. I don’t think any relationship is a formal sit down and hammer out all the details type like you would for a peace treaty or a trade deal. It’s done in bits and pieces, a little at a time and definitely worth every moment. I do hate to admit that more often these days, D/s relationships are negotiated in dry and boring checklists and comparing wants and needs lists instead of simply getting to know someone naturally. I understand the desire to get right to compatibility. It’s a lot of work nurturing a relationship only to find out that you aren’t compatible in something important. But there’s a lot to be said for taking your time also.

D/s Relationship Negotiation

In starting D/s negotiation for a relationship you need to know you. What I mean is that if you can’t answer basic questions about what you want and need and what you expect out of a Dominant partner in a relationship then you really shouldn’t be looking for a relationship yet. The most successful relationships are formed when both parties know what they want and need, can express that to their partners and their partners accept and can provide for their partner in those areas. I know, I know. You are excited and you want to explore submission, and maybe the kinky things of BDSM with someone and you want it right now! Trust me, if you take the time to learn who you are and what you want or need your relationship search will go much smoother.

But what if you’re brand new and don’t know what you want or need? Well, then you definitely don’t want to enter into a relationship with someone “to learn” unless this relationship is quite clear on that fact and the possibility that you will not be compatible. How do you learn what you want and need? I’m not going to lie, it’s a lot of personal introspection and reading, asking questions and figuring it out for yourself.

First, figure out what you want and need. Wants and needs can be anything, but for D/s relationships try to focus on what you need from a relationship, what you need from a Dominant in order to feel submissive and what you want out of life for the future. Much of this is likely not to have changed since you thought about it as a teenager and dreamed of getting married, and/or having kids and whatnot. So sit down and write out what you want and need. Don’t be stingy and don’t worry about having too many things on the list. You can always pare it down later. What’s important now is that you think about what you want from your ideal life so that you can go seeking it in a relationship.

Ask yourself some of the following questions:

How much D/s do I want in a relationship? Do I want to keep it to the bedroom or would I like to have some amount of power exchange outside of it as well?
What does my perfect Dominant look like? Act like?
What are my hopes and dreams for the future (include marriage/living circumstances/children/pets)?
What kinky things do you want to do or try?
Describe yourself in detail.

Once you are pretty clear on what you want and need, the other person also needs to have their wants and needs figured out. That way, as you date and chat about all these things you won’t come up against a void where your only response is “I don’t know what I want/need in that situation.” Now, it’s not completely unavoidable, but at the very least you’ll know how to figure it out after you’ve learned how to think for yourself and figure out the important things in your life.

Learn What Is Expected Of You

A lot of the negotiation period isn’t discussing what you want, but learning who you’ll be for your partner. This must include what is expected of you as far as behavior, attitude and the future of your relationship role. If a Dominant can’t tell you first what submission means to them and second that you don’t agree with what he says submission is then there’s a clear disconnect incompatibility. But if you can both agree on your role and what you’ll be doing in and out of the bedroom for each other then you have made another giant leap in setting up a relationship.

Remember from the previous newsletter that you want to make sure your needs are taken care of and that you take care of your partner’s needs. Open communication is so very important when negotiating a relationship like this because we often have wants and needs that become more important to us than they would in a mainstream relationship type. Start small with your expectations and build from there. If you are finding you are more and more compatible with your potential partner you can add more things to your expectations. That’s a normal development process and everyone goes through it.

In some instances, you may want to formalize your expectations of the relationship in the form of a contract. It’s a symbolic written document that details what you are to each other and the commitment you both will be making. Some people list all the submissive’s rules, but I personally disagree with that. Your contract, if you wish to have one, should not include things that may change with time and relationship development – rules often do that. It would be easier to list things like is often done in marriage vows; love, honor, cherish, commitment, obedience, fidelity, etc. If this is a new relationship, set a short time frame for the contract so you can review it and update it at frequent intervals.

You Do Not Have To Be “In Role” All The Time

Just because you are negotiating a D/s relationship doesn’t mean you have to suddenly be submissive all the time. The majority of power exchange relationships happen in the bedroom only and don’t carry it outside into the everyday world. A D/s relationship is exactly what you make it. If it has very clear start and stop points, then do that. If you want to add elements into your every day then discuss that as well. And try not to be afraid of change or being noticed. The whole world is primarily only interested in themselves (and more so now that we stare blindly at our phones all day long). No one is going to take note if you call your partner “Sir” or if you ask permission to head to the restroom while out at the store. Just make sure you keep the kinky play away from innocent, unsuspecting eyes and you’ll do just fine.

Also, just because you are agreeing to be someone’s submissive does not mean you can’t wear any other hats. You are still a sister, daughter, mother, friend, co-worker and all over good person. Embrace all of who you are and be who you need to be for each situation. Submission is an extension of yourself, not a replacement. And if you find yourself overwhelmed with your reality at any time, take a break and talk to your partner about it. Breaks are healthy. You can even plan to come back to it with more gusto than you did before. It’s all about what you want and need and getting as much of that as possible. Live happy. Don’t settle.

Do you want to learn more about how D/s works in a relationship? Check out Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth about Dominant and Submissive Relationships by Chris M. Lyon. If you want to read Submissive Guide’s Review first, you can do so on the site.

Thoughts to Ponder

Links and Books

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Published on April 03, 2017 07:00

March 29, 2017

Simply Service eZine: November 2006

Hello again! This month with another look back at a resource from the past. Remember, much of the content of these newsletters is still relevant today so take some time to read it!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

Into the November edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2006. (Last month we featured February 2006. There were no newsletters between February and November.)

November 2006

Download Now!

The Path of Service, a Primer Part 1: The Mental, Physical, and Spiritual Disciplines of Service and Surrender by Mercedes
White Socks, a story About Trust by Jamie Nemitz
Personal Responsibility in BDSM by ZooDirt and Kyphi
Community Service by Kassie
Know the Difference – National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month
Nine Fold Path Seminars This Month in NC and GA
The Role of Slavery in Modern Society by mair
A Dominant’s View of Service by Mermaid Master
A Series: The Glorified Bottom Thrown Into Service by Kathryn_Tact
Quietly Refocusing by BootPig

Related Posts:
Simply Service eZine: February 2006
Simply Service e-Zine: November 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: September 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: August 2005
Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk

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Published on March 29, 2017 07:00

March 28, 2017

Contracts as a Road Map to Ever-Evolving Dynamics

The Mister and I signed on to live in a 24/7 Dominant and submissive dynamic pretty early on in our relationship. Like actually signed on to a physical line stating what we would or would not do in day to day living. I remember vividly drafting up a lengthy contract (about 6 or 7 pages) and surprising him with it at our first anniversary (read the details in my book, Darling Discovered: A True Story of Submission, on Amazon and elsewhere). I felt like I was signing my life away; I was serious and excited and hopeful, I had direction in life (at least for the next six or so months), and I was ready to dive in feet first.

He signed on the line first, agreeing to be my Dominant as well as my husband, then I signed last.

It was decided. I was a submissive.

Dominance and submission were at the same time sexy as hell and comfortable as an old favorite sweatshirt. We had a relationship style that suited us, a way of living that cut out all of the bullshit bickering and power struggle. Instead of that maddening “well what do you want to eat for dinner” nightmare, we spent our time living out the details of our contract. He was the decision maker. He earned the income. I was the doting homemaker who backed the man. We played and fucked and connected on a deeper level than we ever imagined. We had figured it out. Figured out us. Figured out power exchange.

Every six months we would put a date on the calendar for contract negotiation. I looked forward to it for weeks each time it came up. I planned out my strategy, looking over the contract in advance and reflecting on the changes I felt needed to be made, consider any alterations. It was a special night meant for special attention. I would book the best table at one of our favorite restaurants, get dressed to the nines, and sitting somewhere in our world we’d be sipping scotch and vodka discussing this very important document. It became a long-running inside joke that I would always go into our contract renewal ready to reclaim my rights to orgasm back (we have practiced orgasm control from the very beginning) but always fail in the negotiation. We’d talk, negotiate, and by the end of the meal, re-sign.

After a few years, we realized that we were no longer actually living as Dominant and submissive. Our relationship dynamic had evolved over time. We were living as Master and slave.

I wrote in my journaling: We have likely been living M/s all along. The power I felt I had as a submissive I’d never used. The control I had assumed was still in my hands was a control I didn’t want. We’ve spent the past year coming to terms with our place in our dynamic, and have in action made the transition in full. I’ve been given a permanent collar. I’ve come to embrace my chosen path of slavehood. But next month is our anniversary, of both the day he placed a band on my finger and the day he placed a band around my neck. We will pull out our D/s contract and amend it, with finality, converting it to permanent M/s.

Three little changes took place that next contract re-signing that turned into one big change.

We recognized, and put into writing, the fact that our Master/slave dynamic is equally important (if not more so) as our legal marriage. If one of us wanted to stop living as M/s, there is a likelihood our relationship may entirely be over. Even though we may try to repair the marriage, the reality is our power exchange has become so ingrained into our being, it may not be possible.
Safe words of Yellow and Red became a guideline, a shorthand way of my communicating important physical and emotional status to the man making decisions, instead of a demand. I simply don’t make demands. About anything. I am free to, and encouraged to, express myself and my wants, needs, anything I wish as long as it is presented in a respectful way. The final decision always rests in the hands of MR. My singular choice became to do as he says or end the relationship.
We signed our names, and together, we removed the deadline.

We were a Master and his slave. The negotiations were over. We were this… forever.

Master/slave. The dynamic really felt like coming home.

We were living life after figuring it all out. During our time living as D/s, thanks to the hard work in communication and negotiation every six months, we’d mapped out a marriage that suited us both. We had the tools in our toolbox to succeed and at this point. It was all in the upkeep. We were happy. Successful.

Over the first couple years, it was great.

But eventually, as sure as the tide turns, it wasn’t.

Upkeep turned into monotony. Happiness turned… boring. We easily made excuses as to why we missed play dates together. Why our protocols or rituals weren’t being adhered to. Our M/s dynamic began to seem like just another obligation that had to be managed, not something that fueled us and brought us continued joy. After both of us putting brakes on and saying, “Woah, woah, woah, what is up here?!” we came to a conclusion. We missed, needed, a written contract that we referred back to periodically. We hadn’t realized the real power and help it had over our lives and dynamic.

A written contract is a tool, simple as that. It is a way for couples engaging in Power Exchange (in any relationship really, this could easily help many vanilla couples I know who struggle to communicate) to map out what is expected in a relationship. We thought when pulling out our deadline and living simply “under contract” that we were romantically removing a deadline hovering over our relationship. We realize, in hindsight, that we were removing that stop-point of required communication. It didn’t have to be a negotiation. It didn’t have to unravel any of what we considered to be our Master and slave dynamic.

We just had to talk. Review. Analyze. We re-wrote a contract, a version of our earlier one, and it looked a little different.

One of the biggest adjustments we made in returning to a written contract, one written for a Master and his consensual full-time live in sex and domestic slave, was for the first time ever the MR adding in some of his expectations for himself. If a written contract was to be used as a tool for reviewing our commitment to each other and our dynamic, we both realized how incredibly helpful it would be for him to have a written reminder of his expectations. We also included a section for engaging with others, which became helpful as we were exploring our ethically non-monogamous options in the relationship. The document turned into a full fledged “household manual” which contained my husband’s household standards like values, a vision statement, the Milestones for Masters so he could keep tabs on his progression in Mastery.

This amalgamation of what worked best for so long as Dominant and submissive combined with our Master/slave dynamic has been incredibly effective at maintaining. We are back at it, every six months reconsidering how viable protocols/rituals are, keeping tabs on what is working and what is not, and importantly, having that dialogue periodically. The conversation about it all, about why we do what we do, about why this is sexy.

The written contract is not just useful to new dynamics trying to create a road map of new Power Exchange dynamic; after all, we are always traveling to new places in life. Our kids grow, our jobs change, our bodies age, our situation renews itself. Even during relationship maintenance, check your road map. It can help prevent problems up ahead and provide a lovely reminder of how far you’ve traveled together.

In future posts there will be blank samples of our evolving contract, including the three main evolutions: our first D/s contract, our back-to-written-contract first M/s contract, and our most recent revision, a svelte-by-comparison M/s contract. Feel free to use these as a template for what will or will not work for you. And whether you are like us and need this sort of written accountability or prefer to verbally agree to a dynamic or even for those who just kind of “wing it” and make adjustments continuously: never stop talking. Never stop growing. And never stop standing up for what you believe in and fighting for the relationship dynamic that makes you comfortable and happy.

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Published on March 28, 2017 07:00

March 21, 2017

Wax Play Review and Thoughts

My Dom and had our first experience with wax play a few months ago, and I wanted to share a few, quick, thoughts and bits of advice if you’ve been toying with the idea of adding wax to your toy chest.

What is Wax Play?

It’s a form of temperature play, where a special kind of wax is melted and poured strategically over the skin. The wax is usually in candle form, but tends to be made with soy or similar ingredients that have a lower melting point than regular, store bought candles. The lower melting point means that the wax, while hot, is less likely to burn skin. It also comes in a wide variety of colours (and scents) so that the person controlling the wax can turn his/her subject into a piece of art, if it suits.

A General Review

My Dom and I found it a lot of fun. We had three colours at our disposal, and my Dom’s only lamentation was that we should have bought more colours from the start. It takes a few minutes for the wax to melt enough to be poured, but once it hits that point, it’s about as simple as aim-and-pour. If you like hot/cold sensations, it’s quite a lot of fun. The wax we used was coloured with natural dyes, so it was safe to pour even onto more sensitive areas without having to worry about it causing irritation later.

We ran into a brief problem afterwards: having put down an old towel to keep the wax from getting on the floor, we discovered that there really isn’t a good way to get the smaller bits of wax off the towel now that the wax has hardened. Also, I kept finding bits of teal and orange wax around the house as even the initial wash down afterwards didn’t quite remove everything that had been poured on me. They’re pretty small issues, and by no means are they deterrents for either me or my Dom, but for the sake of full disclosure, I’d recommend not going into a session with ideas of lying on silk sheets in your best sexy underwear.

Keep in Mind

If you have hair long enough to pull back, do pull it back. This goes for both the recipient and the pourer. You’re not only going to be working with something that will stick to your hair unapologetically, but also with live flame, which means you want to make sure that especially flammable things like hair are out of the way.
The old towel worked fine, but plastic might work better. Next time my Dom and I break out the wax, we are going to try wrapping part of my yoga mat in cling film. If you can’t find an equivalent that you feel is suitable, stick to the towel , but try not to use one that you’re attached to.
When you/your partner pours, hold the wax 3-6 inches above the skin. This gives the wax a few milliseconds to cool down, but isn’t high enough to cause the wax to splatter.
The wax is for external use only. Drippings are unavoidable, and you’re probably going to get wax in places you weren’t expecting, but don’t pour with the intent of making any molds out of any orifices.
Lock all animals out of the room. You might not mind if your cat watches you have sex, but you’ll mind if your cat decides to jump on you while you’re covered in hot wax and then walk around the house with waxy paws.
Bathe, don’t shower. As with everything, the right kind of aftercare is important. I’m pretty sure that I was left with bits of wax because I tried to shower after we peeled all of the big plates of wax off. In retrospect, soaking in warm water while I washed off would probably have been more efficient.
“All natural” products can still cause allergic reactions. Make sure you test the wax on your skin before you play.

Other than that, enjoy yourself! Wax play and other forms of sensation play are all about suspense and experience, so grab a blind fold, go slow, and enjoy being your Dom’s canvas for a little while.

Are you an expert on wax play? Did I leave something out? Do you have a question? Be sure to comment below.

Photo credit: By Grendelkhan – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, Link

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Published on March 21, 2017 07:00

March 20, 2017

New to D/s Relationships? Here’s Your Foolproof Guide to Starting Out – Part 1

Exploring the physical aspects of BDSM, such as flogging, spanking and bondage are a lot simpler in terms of finding information that will help you on your way but when you crave a D/s relationship the shared knowledge folds into personal stories and “you’ll learn as you go” sentiments. It’s just not an easy road to begin to travel. It doesn’t have to be. We all have a common ground to start from even if you don’t realize it. Relationships, even ones with power exchange are still built the old-fashioned way; dating and talking. Unlike what a lot of forums may say about D/s relationships and how they start, knowing the terms to use for your desires and being able to voice them to others does not produce and instant connection and a relationship. It’s work from the start and continues to need nurturing for as long as you want the relationship to develop and succeed.

While I don’t intend for this to be an extensive guide to finding your perfect partner, it will be a definitive guide to knowing what you are looking for when it comes to D/s relationships and how to recognize a D/s relationship when you are in one. I’ll also share a bit of what is expected of you as your submissive role in the relationship and what a D/s relationship needs to work well so that all parties in it feel fulfilled, happy and the relationship succeeds.

Let me first say that starting a D/s relationship requires that you are clear with what you want and who you are. Whether that’s to be a bedroom submissive or a full-time slave (or something in between) if you have some understanding of what that entails you’ll have one foot in the door for finding the relationship you want. You need to know how to describe who you are to someone else so that you can find the opposite in a Dominant. A person looking for a 24/7 long term M/s relationship isn’t going to be compatible with you if you are looking for a casual bedroom only D/s with just a little bit of out of the bedroom overlap. No matter how much you might be attracted to the person or find ways to be compatible beyond that. So knowing what you need in power exchange and clearing the board of incompatible options is imperative for your success.

How a Relationship Develops

It’s possible that you are reading this and you’ve never experienced any sort of relationship before. My knee jerk reaction to relationship how to questions has always been to use what you know and build on that – but what if you don’t have any experience to build on? You can also ask your friends and relatives how their relationships formed. You might even know your parents love story or your grandparents falling for each other tale. What do they have in common? You’ll see. Here’s how a relationship can develop; in it’s more basic form.

First, people are attracted to one another. This doesn’t have to be physical at first, but that’s the more common starting point. Maybe they have an attraction to something specific about the other person or a generalized, “oh my gosh this person is sexy, hot, amazing, pretty, cute, handsome, etc.” The people, if it’s mutual, will start talking to one another to gauge interest and to find common interests.

Those common interests help to cement the ideas of a possible relationship forming. After all, you want your relationship partner to be someone you can do things with and talk about the things that interest you. Someone you hope will share your interests and ideas, your hopes and dreams. So having something in common is a big magnetic pull to relationship potential. This stage often ends with the couple deciding if they’d like to be more with each other or not. Friendships often stop deepening at this point. If you’ve ever had a really close best friend you’ll know that this stage is a powerful one. When you add D/s or BDSM to the mix, this need to find common interests can get intense and intimate pretty quickly. That’s because there’s more riding on a connection than just if you both love sci-fi movies and poodles. I’d personally compare it to making sure you found someone that was of the same sexual orientation. If you are heterosexual you definitely want to make sure the one you look for a relationship with is also heterosexual (or bisexual if that’s comfortable to you). So, in D/s or BDSM you want to make sure pretty quickly if you are talking to a Dominant, submissive, slave, puppy, masochist, etc and if that matches what you are looking for.

Often, at the start of an attraction, dating occurs. The first steps in dating are to get to know one another and find those common interests I talked about above. How long you spend dating is completely personal and may be the stage the relationship remains at for months or even years. Dating can involve sexual exploration with the partner but it doesn’t have to. You can decide to hold off on sex (and BDSM play) until a commitment is in place. See, this is where I find a lot of stones thrown at me. I don’t feel that dating is a defined commitment. I find it more like shopping or browsing the menu. Others compare it to eating at a buffet. You can pick and choose, sample what you’d like, and change your mind as much as you want – as long as you keep your goal in mind, to find a relationship that best fits your needs and desires.

Deciding to commit to one another is a separate step to relationship building and develops a while into dating and often ends the dating stage. You agree to be exclusive. You stop people shopping and you focus on strengthening and perfecting the relationship you have found. There are a lot of ways to commit to one another, and a collar is not always the best first decision in that commitment. Your mileage may vary but I find a collar to be the final step in relationship commitment. You don’t have to have a collar to be committed to one another and you definitely don’t have to have a collar at all. That is the personal choice you have to make.

Need More Tips? How to Get in a Relationship

So for the most part, developing a relationship takes time. Time is something a lot of people don’t want to spend but really should. Far too many people these days like to consider relationship building and maintenance as disposable. Because who’s got the time, right? Wrong. Take the time. It’s worth it.

What Does a D/s Relationship Look Like?

For the most part, a D/s relationship is going to look like any other relationship from the outside. I’d have to say, being in a power exchange relationship for over a decade now, that we’ve never received weird looks when out in public and it’s not obvious that he’s in charge just by looking at us. But for those people in the know, it’s quite clear how our relationship works. If you are new to power exchange you might not even catch these small details and that’s okay because your relationship may look nothing like KnyghtMare’s and mine. But, hey, if you had to pick out the little things that identify us as a power exchange relationship, what might those be?

There’s an obvious clear distinction of who’s in control.
KnyghtMare does not interact with service personnel at all. That’s my job in service to him. It may even look like he doesn’t even acknowledge them. But I will be extremely polite, courteous and kind. This includes ordering food, buying tickets or purchasing items. He expects me to take care of it all in a kind and polite manner.
I ask him for permission to purchase anything. This may be disguised with, “do you think I should get this?”
I offer to get him things so he doesn’t have to even consider moving or interrupting what he’s doing.
All he has to do is ask for something and I comply. There’s no questioning it, or “hang on a minute, honey” responses.
Will your relationship look like this? Maybe. Maybe not. As I said above, we’ve slowly customized our relationship for over 10 years. It didn’t all start out like this from the onset. But the point in our relationship is that I serve him and his needs and in return, I get love, affection, pride and a sense of accomplishment. Not to mention we are husband and wife and intense lovers.

The important thing to note about D/s relationships is that when you are both “on,” meaning if this is a bedroom-only relationship it only happens there, or if this is full-time you will likely both be in your role all the time, that these roles do not shift. You are submissive, you submit. They are Dominant, they are in charge- nowhere does that fluctuate during the agreed upon timeframe. Other than this key ingredient, your D/s relationship may look similar or very different to mine. As long as you submit and your partner is in charge then a D/s exchange is happening.
What Does a D/s Relationship Need to Work?

A D/s relationship is still a relationship. I say it a lot I know, but the basic compatibility that we’d look for in a mainstream partner still apply when looking for someone a bit more Dominant or into BDSM. You have to have similar ideas of marriage, family, friendships and lifestyle, such as where you’ll be living, how active you’ll be and what you enjoy doing that many other people search for in a partner. It is highly unlikely that if you don’t agree on your dreams of the future that you’ll want to be with this person for long.

Are you monogamous or poly? Well, you should probably agree to that before you get far into a relationship also. There can be some huge issues crop up later down the road if the person you are with is monogamous but you are poly and didn’t share that information. But that’s really not all that needs to be discussed to make a relationship that has a variety of openness available. If you are poly or your partner is, what kind of poly is it? What amount of interaction do you want with the other partners? And even if your relationship is monogamous, sometimes there can be an open element to allow for exploring kinks that one or the other doesn’t share. So talk about those scenarios as well to make sure you are on the same page.

Then, and this is a big one for D/s relationship compatibility, agree what kind of D/s relationship you are looking for. If you are submissive then make sure your partner is a Dominant, for starters. But then, how much submission will your relationship have? Are you looking for a bedroom only D/s relationship or a full-time submission? Something in between? What does submission mean to you? To them? How about Dominance? Make sure your definitions align or you could mean one form of submission and your potential partner means another.

If BDSM play is to be a part of the exchange, you will want to make sure that there is close compatibility in what you desire there as well. And if not, then a willingness to open the relationship to allow for play outside of it. Kink isn’t always connected to sex and still more of it is about exploring sensation. So feed yours and your potential partner’s desire for kink as best you can.

Even with all the above working perfectly, it’s not a magic bullet. You have to work at your relationship to make it work. Practice your open communication and talk about issues before they blow up into serious problems. Nurture the emotions you feel for them and build the connection whenever you can. A relationship that goes stale won’t last very long and a power exchange one might need a bit more effort on both parties to keep the flame going. But trust me, it’s well worth it.

That’s it for part one of this guide to D/s relationships. In the next part, we’ll talk about how to negotiate a D/s relationship as well as learning what might be expected of you, taking care of yourself in the relationship and sharing some links to further reading about D/s relationships. If you have questions, ask them in the comments or send them to me in an email and I’ll try to help you find answers.

Can’t wait until part 2 to find out more about D/s relationships? Check out Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/slave Relationships by Raven Kaldera, a collection of essays from many people showcasing many forms of power exchange relationships that can be an inspiration to you about how to create your own unique relationship.

Thoughts to Ponder
What makes a D/s relationship so different from a mainstream relationship?
What can’t you apply to D/s that you’ve learned through your own experience or exposure?
If you are or have been in a D/s relationship, how would you describe a D/s relationship to others?
Interesting Links
5 Steps to Take Before Starting a New Relationship – Psychology Today
How to Start Dating if You Want to Be In a Successful Relationship – Bustle
9 Tips for Building a Loving Relationship – PsychToday
Related Posts:
The Top 5 Tips for Vetting a Potential Dominant Partner
Why Identifying Your Wants and Needs is So Important as a Novice Submissive
4 Things You Should Not Put Up With Just Because He’s a Dominant
Ask lunaKM – Compatibility, Safewords when Deaf and Power Play Preferences
7 Signs You are Compatible With a Prospective Dominant

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Published on March 20, 2017 07:00

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