Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 10

February 13, 2017

Scenes for Beginners: Ideas You Can Use To Start Exploring Bondage and BDSM Play in the Bedroom

Coming up with ideas on what to do with your partner when it comes to roleplay and kinky sex can be hard as a beginner. How do you set up a scene? What do you do? Let me help you out with some great ideas for play when you are new to BDSM and kinky roleplay.

But, before we get going on the ideas, a few safety tips to keep in mind:

Talk about what is going to happen and what you will do with each other. You don’t have to ruin any surprises but it’s nice to not be completely in the dark either. After all, this is supposed to be fun, sexy and hot!

Agree on a safeword. It’s a code word that means “stop, I really mean it.” BDSM practitioners often avoid the words “no” or “stop” because of how fun it is to playfully struggle and it’s a common fantasy. Selecting a word that would never come up in scene as your safeword is a good idea. If there will be gags used, dropping a set of keys, using a dog-training clicker or ringing a bell are common solutions.

Be Prepared. Have a few things handy for those just in case moments. Are you going to tie your partner up? Then make sure you have scissors to cut them out if you need to. Don’t forget keys to handcuffs before you put them on and a bottle of water can keep you going in long, exhausting play.

The Ideas

There are as many ways to “do” BDSM stuff as there are people…so really, what you can do is almost limitless. These are just a few ideas to bring into your sex life.

Set The Scale

If you are exploring impact play or a new toy, the partner that receives the impact play will announce the scale of pain for each strike given. This is meant to help both parties learn their limits. The bottom will learn how intense they can tolerate and the Top will learn how to handle the tool/toy to consistently give a certain degree of the strike.

The Captured Spy

The partner who plays the spy gets tied to a chair while the captor uses pleasure and pain alternatively to pump them for information them. You can do this until they are forced to ‘divulge the secret codes’ (their safe word).

The Roadside Police Stop

Dressed as a police officer, pull your partner over and ask to see their license and registration. Maybe they aren’t cooperating or maybe they just seem suspicious, but you better ask them to step out of the car and handcuff them. Frisk them to make sure they’re not dangerous, and then decide from there whether you need them to get into the backseat of your car.

The Great Escape

Use your best dirty talk and what body movements you can manage while all tied up to convince the stoic guard that you’re innocent(ish)and need to be freed. Of course, you’ll reward them for doing so.

Dirty Dancing

The dancer gets to pick the song that they think is the sexiest and show off their moves until their patron gets too handsy. Use something you have around the room or a prop like stockings to keep the patron restrained to their chair, and then they have to struggle against their bonds while the dancer continues their strip tease.

The Boss and the Secretary

When one of you plays the boss, the other can be the eager-to-please assistant or even one who has been slacking off terribly; either way, the paperwork has been mounting up for too long and it’s about time the two of you got down to a bit of long overdue after hours admin.

Teacher and Pupil

A traditional, of course. One plays the teacher, the other the student. Who the gets to be the naughty one is up to you. Is it a teacher that says you have to earn your “A” or is it a student that wants to get out of staying after class? The fun is even better if you can find a costume.

Taken by Force

Many scenarios include the submissive being taken by “force”. One fun technique that can make this more fun is to buy cheap clothing from a thrift store that can be torn, sliced, or cut off the submissive. Cheap, disposable clothing can lend a fun air of realism to the scenario.

No matter what sort of fun you get up to, whether you choose one of these scenarios or your own, you’ll learn a lot about what you are interested in, what turns out to be hot in reality and what doesn’t. Don’t take any as a failure. It’s all a learning experience that should fulfill you and add spice to your life!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 13, 2017 07:00

February 10, 2017

How to Turn BDSM Fantasy Into Reality – Taking What You’ve Read or Seen Into Your Bedroom

It’s no secret that 50 Shades of Gray is a huge media success. It’s brought about fame for the author and attracted many people to the theaters to see the film adaptation. But it has also brought curious people to this site and many like it for answers and exploration. Many people first get introduced to BDSM via media. Books, movies and tv shows are beginning to describe kink in a variety of manners and just enough to titillate you but not teach you how to do this in your own bedroom. While I would never directly copy anything you read in a book of fiction or from TV and films, it is a great starting point for conversation and potential kinky fun in the bedroom. Maybe even a complete relationship shift.

So, you’ve come here looking for how to make those fantasies and hot stories something real; something you can experience for yourself. Let’s try to get your training wheels in place so you can go into your first conversation and foray into hot kinky sex with open eyes.

Safety First

It may go without saying far too often, but many of the things we do as far as kink in the bedroom has risks. Often not just physical ones, as some play has mental and emotional minefields. Taking the time to learn some basic safety in the form of Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and a safeword will go a long way to making your play safer and you’ll be more aware of the risks.

Start Here: Don’t Begin Exploring BDSM Until You’ve Read the Basics
How Do I Know What I Like? I’m Brand New
Personal Safety Mantra: Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC)
Why SSC and RACK Are Both Important Safety Acronyms to Know
A Safe Call Could Save Your Life: How to Set It Up
Safeword
Hard and Soft Limits? The Sooner You Know About Them The Better
The Basics of Negotiating a BDSM Scene
Start Small

Movies have teams of experts and lots of editing to get things looking the way they do. You need to learn things a bit slower. Try one new activity or toy at a time and don’t expect it to be perfect the first time. It’s about the journey in exploration, not making it look like it does in your head or on the screen.

The Anatomy of A Scene: What Happens?
How to Use Role Play to Spice Up Your Sex Life
Anal Play: Beginner to Stretch in No Time
Explain It To Me: The Draw of Being Spanked
Exploring Face Slapping
Pet Play and Human Pets
Perspectives: Flogging
Perspectives: Rope Bondage
Predicament Bondage
Perspectives: Gags
Perspectives: Canes
My Time on the Edge: Exploring Rimming
5 Types of Naughty Talk
Getting Started with Exploring Erotic Hypnosis
Decide on your Roles

Who is going to be the bottom and the top? How will you know the start and end of playtime. Roleplay, mini ritual. Phrases and words you can use to enhance your playtime experience.

BDSM Basics: Am I Dominant or submissive?
What is a slave, sub, and a bottom?
The Differences Between Bottom, Masochist, Submissive and Slave
Five Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Manipulate Your Vanilla Man into Being a Dominant
What is a Switch?
Get Yourself Some Resources

If you don’t feel comfortable experimenting without some information to back it up, here are some excellent resources to get you started on.

Once you’ve learned what you can without toys, you may want to get some basic cuffs or a paddle. They aren’t necessary, of course, to have a great time, but they do add to your kink buffet choices. Here’s some tips and ideas for your first toys and how to care for them to keep them playing for you for a long time.

Talking Shop – Tips for Purchasing BDSM Toys
Holiday Gift Guide: 15 Toys and Tools for Beginning Dominants
Tips for Taking Care of Your BDSM and Sex Toys
My Toys Or Yours? Building Your Own Toybag On a Budget
Common Pervertables Around the Home You Can Use for BDSM Play
Chat Night Transcript from Pervertables Talk with FroggyKM

Hopefully, with these tips and links you’ll be well prepared to start exploring those fantasies and heating up your sex life with kinky play. If you’ve browsed these links and can’t find an answer to your question then use the comment section below and the community here will try to help you out!

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Published on February 10, 2017 07:00

February 8, 2017

[Video Post] Define This! Punishment and Funishment

Welcome to a mini-series here on the channel that I’m going to call Define This! In this series you are welcome to ask me to define terms found in the BDSM and D/s lexicon that you don’t know and I will make a brief video defining it for you. Sounds simple enough, right? I want to post as many of these videos as possible so don’t be shy asking me about terms you’ve come across.

Today I’m talking about the difference between punishment and funishment. It’s common to get these mixed up, especially in online forums, so let’s get them settled right here.

Punishment

Punishment is chastisement for misbehavior. If you are in a dynamic that includes discipline you might have a punishment dynamic as well. This would mean that there are defined consequences for breaking rules and slipping in your Dominant’s expectations. Punishment for your behavior can vary widely and can include physical punishment like spanking or it can be a removal of privileges, and even a mixture of the two. Punishment in this situation is never meant to be fun or pleasurable for either party.

Not all relationships have a punishment dynamic to them and those that do, know that punishment is no laughing matter. But that doesn’t stop others that don’t know the difference from mixing it up with funishment.

Funishment

Funishment is when a submissive does something to intentionally get the Dominant to play punish them. A scenario would be something like this, a submissive is teasing her Dominant. He tells her to stop. She says, “oh, so if I don’t stop, what will you do? (wink wink) Will you punish me?” “Yes, I’ll spank that tart bottom until it’s all red, that’s what I’ll do.” “Then I’m never going to stop! (giggles)” Essentially in this situation the sub wants to play and instead of just coming out to ask for it, like I teach on the site, they try to instigate the Dominant’s ire in order to get what they want. Be careful though because if the Dominant isn’t the funishment type, then this could earn the submissive a case of real punishment that they weren’t looking for!

Another way that the term punishment gets misused is to describe impact play. Often misused online, a person might come into a forum and ask how to punish their submissive with a certain implement and have no reason other than mutual pleasure to do so. Again, punishment is not meant for fun.

Once you understand the difference then less confusion will result.

Do you have a term you’d like defined? Leave a comment!

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Published on February 08, 2017 07:00

February 7, 2017

A Lesson on The Importance of Online Safety from Kitty Thomas’ “Tender Mercies”

In my continuous effort to read the books that have been in the bottom of my Kindle, I came across Kitty Thomas’ Tender Mercies. It wasn’t until I finished it and was writing a review that I realized what a great lesson this piece of fiction can teach those in the lifestyle, especially those that are new. Before I go on any further, I do want to issue a trigger warning. This article will talk about abusive situations, so this may not be for everyone.

Tender Mercies tells the story of Grace. She wants to submit but feels that up to this point, that all she’s been doing is playing at being a slave and is wanting a serious relationship. She finds out about Eleu, an island where owners legally own their slaves and the slaves are stripped of all legal rights. Grace meets Lucas, a master who lives on the island. Over the next year, they talk online and see each other via webcam. Shortly after they hit the year mark of talking online, Lucas starts pushing Grace about whether or not she is coming to the island to be his slave. She isn’t sure, but he keeps pushing her to make a decision, telling her that they both want more than just an online relationship, that he has given her more than plenty of time to get to know him and to find out about him, and that most of all, he’s tired of waiting. After giving her a week of the silent treatment, he asks Grace again if she’s coming. After the week of the silent treatment, she’s terrified of losing Lucas, she tells him that she will be coming to Eleu. The last thing Lucas tells her before she leaves is that he is a hard master. Once Grace arrives on the island, she realizes what kind of man Lucas is and what he meant by being a hard master. He automatically burns everything she brought with her, including the clothes on her back, then he chains her naked in a cold dungeon. He beats her to the point of scarring, starves her, and other terrible, terrible things.

When I wrote my review, I said that people who are new to the lifestyle should read this book because it is a great example of how one can never be too careful, especially when the communication is strictly online. I know the example from the book is an extreme one, but unfortunately, things similar to what happened to Grace do happen in real life.

The Internet has been a great thing for people in the lifestyle. It’s made things easier for kinksters to connect and share ideas and opinions with one another. It’s given people the chance to meet people they would have never met otherwise. It gives those who are new a chance to get their feet wet until they’re ready to venture out to a local group. People have even found their partners online. But despite all the wonderful things that have come with the Internet, there have been a whole new set of dangers as well. It’s easier for people to pretend to be someone they’re not and I’m not talking about just lying about physical appearances. It has given those who are, for lack of a better term, predators, the chance to prey on people and has made it easier for them to do so. We have all read on Fetlife from people who have fallen prey to these predators, especially those who are new to the lifestyle.

There are a lot of risks that comes with meeting people online. Yeah, you can get a feel for who they are, but that’s only from what they’re willing to show and tell you, and vice versa. It’s so much easier to keep up a fake facade than it is in person and predators totally use that to their advantage. It’s so easy to have honey dripping from your lips when the person can’t see the sharp that are behind those lips. And that is exactly what those predators are counting on.

Some people do totally blow off online safety. Some people think when the topic is brought up, that a big deal is being made over nothing. Online safety isn’t something to just brush off and ignore, especially within the lifestyle when the things that we do already carry a lot of risks and require a great amount of trust from both sides.

I totally don’t want to lecture here. I know lecturing isn’t fun to hear. I can’t stress the importance of keeping yourself safe when actually meeting people from online in person. Have a safe call in place. Meet in public for a while before venturing to one another’s homes or to a hotel room. Don’t just focus on lifestyle related stuff. Keep an eye open for red flags. I’m gonna throw some links here too with some more information, because like G.I. Joe says, knowing is half the battle. Keep yourself safe and protected.

Cyber Submission and Exploring D/s Online

Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off

Offline/Online BDSM Safety Rules

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Published on February 07, 2017 07:00

February 6, 2017

Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol (Part 3 of 7) – Cruising With Class

by Ambrosio. This was first published on Ambrosio’s site and has a free to distribute license. Abrosio dedicated this article to Beverly M. in Austin.

Expectations of Sex

BDSM is not always about sex. BDSM is not synonymous with swinging, swapping, or Polyamory — although it’s possible for it to co-exist with these lifestyles. A BDSM relationship can consist entirely of kinky role-playing and sex or have no sexual involvement at all. What is more you don’t have to have sex if you’re playing with someone.

Cruising

When attending a BDSM or Leather function, don’t assume someone you’ve never met before is there for your pleasure. That “buffet attitude” insults everyone. It dismisses the “entree’s” prerogative, loyalty, and ability to choose. It also says something about the offender’s sense of self-worth. He is relying on an assumed role rather than his own merits and abilities to find a partner.

It’s a popular maxim in the scene that “Submission is a gift.” The submissive chooses the dominant. (I’m from the school of thought that every thing the top does should be beneficial to the submissive. As someone said “Topping is the ultimate act of submission.”)

Way back in the 1970s Larry Townsend wrote about the M’s (masochist’s) prerogative in choosing a S (sadist). In the Leatherman’s Handbook he writes:

An S can usually make himself emotionally available on much shorter notice than the M. This has given rise to one of the unwritten rules of cruising: The S should let the M know he wants him, but he shouldn’t push. … There are contrary opinions, mostly to the effect that the S should command the action and the M should obey. There is a certain logic to this, as well; but if the M isn’t ready for you, he will not be nearly so responsive. (p.63)

Approaching a Couple for Play

You might want to play with someone who is already in a BDSM relationship.

Generally speaking, approaching a couple you are not acquainted with to request play or sex simply because you find one of them attractive is no more acceptable in a BDSM situation than it is in a Vanilla setting. While polyamory and serial monogamy are well represented in the scene, the greater minority of people are involved in or seeking monogamous relationships.

But if you think there would be reasonable opportunity to play with part of a couple — or both of them — generally you would do well to approach the one in charge. As Drew Campbell explains in The Bride Wore Black Leather:

If you’re interested in a top, speak directly to that person. If you’re interested in a bottom who is with another top, approach the top first; if the bottom speaks for him- or herself, you’ll be referred to him/her. (p. 142)

I would also warn against sending a submissive to her dominant to request permission to play with the submissive. You would be in effect sending someone else’s submissive on an errand on your behalf. It’s more respectful and courteous to ask the dominant yourself.

Jus Primae Noctis

Jus primae noctis (law of the first night) or droit du seigneur (the lord’s right) is the historically dubious right that kings and lords exercised to be first to sleep with the brides when their subjects married. According to Cecil Adams in his “The Straight Dope” column for 20-Dec-1996, it didn’t exist.

That doesn’t stop some of our “community leaders,” “wise elders,” and party hosts from adopting this colorful tradition for their own benefit. While they don’t explicitly state the right, it’s implicit in their presumptive manner at parties and munches. They can be a little bit too casual in greeting and interacting with attractive members of the opposite sex (or the same sex if they are so inclined) — attached or unattached, dominant or submissive, straight or gay. It can take many forms:

A dominant explains to the novice married couple that the submissive woman needs an experienced dominant — such as himself — for her first BDSM experience.
The party host repeatedly grabs an attractive dominant woman around the waist and reminds her that he should top her sometime. (If it’s unacceptable for his other guests to do so and if he wouldn’t do so at someone else’s party, then he’s taking unfair advantage of the situation.)
A dominant generously offers one of his many submissives for play to another dominant but then expects something — such as the other dominant’s girl friend for play — in return.
Under the guise of protecting submissives from predators, a dominant might take a vulnerable submissive under her protection — without consulting with the submissive first — and monopolize the submissive’s time, steer the submissive away from eligible attractive dominants, and generally collar the submissive without negotiation.

The lords and ladies in these situations are taking unfair advantage of their status in the community or their positions as the party hosts and hostesses to intimidate and deflect criticism. Novices and party guests don’t want to be rude to VIPs and their party hosts. But the lords and ladies are behaving like predators and acting unacceptably.

Links About Cruising and Dating
“Some Notes on Safety for Meeting Online and Off” by Ambrosio
“Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman” by Jay Wiseman
“Some Notes on Networking, Cruising, and Dating” by Ambrosio
“Letter to a Friend” by Wanderer: Advice for married people.
“Finding a partner“ – from the “SSB-B (Soc.Subculture.Bondage-Bdsm) FAQ“
“Three Essays on Finding a Domme” by Ms Margo
“How To Court a Dominant Woman” by Laura Goodwin (from the Laura Goodwin site)
“What is Healthy and UnHealthy Communication?“
“Ask the Therapist: How Do I End a Relationship?” by William A. Henkin, Ph.D.
For more links visit the “Dating and Communication” section of Ambrosio’s BDSM Site
Related Posts:
The Chase is On – Communicating Openly With Your Dominant
Don’t Touch Other People’s Property: The Golden Rule at BDSM Functions
How to Revive Your Service When Protocol Becomes Boring
Book Review: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
Where All The Dominants Are and How to Find Them

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Published on February 06, 2017 07:00

February 1, 2017

Ask Anything – Am I Too Clingy for Submission?

Dear Submissive Guide,

I’m feeling confused about service, sub drop, and my emotions. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now. He is my first Master and I am his first sub but we did explore these sides of ourselves very early on into our relationship. Right away I felt that I wanted to be a service sub and I wanted to be that way completely. The truth is though that I wound up finding this far too emotionally difficult on me. I couldn’t handle waiting for him at home having done all the housework and gotten all lovely for him and not feeling like I was getting credit for it. I was just too emotionally vulnerable and I’m a clingy person to begin with but this drove it a bit further. Within a year I was pulling away from service and more into a regular ‘vanilla’ relationship with only our sex falling under this category. I knew my ‘clingy-ness’ had annoyed him and my emotional vulnerability was too much for me to handle. I was becoming depressed, it was almost like a very extended sub-drop. So I tried not to be clingy but in the process I felt that I was losing myself in this relationship and became a bit emotionally numb.

Recently we’ve talked and become so close again and have begun re-exploring and re-entering this world. With caution I’ve asked to keep it limited to the bedroom but the truth is I’m not sure that’s what I want or that it’s even entirely possible for us. I’m so naturally inclined towards service, the moment I enter this submissive role it comes roaring out in everything I do and it trickles into the other areas of my life. I feel like I’ve begun to find myself again but I see myself becoming clingy and emotionally vulnerable again and I’m worried that I don’t know how to deal with this in a healthy way for myself and for my relationship. Also, just a small side question, sometimes I get really mad when he tries to dominate me outside the bedroom when I’m in a bad mood, do you ever feel that way and, if so, how do you deal with that? I’m hoping you have some advice for me.

Sincerely,
Worried About Being Clingy

Dear Clingy,

What you’ve described in your relationship with your boyfriend and Master is more typical than you realize. It sounds to me like you both jumped in your D/s dynamic with both feet and maybe did a little too much, too soon.

At the same time, it’s possible you were going through sub frenzy – a time for many new submissives when the physical, mental, and emotional rush you get from submission clouds everything else. Typically, submissives rush in and try to do All The Things and then feel overwhelmed or, in some cases, burnt out. Sub frenzy can also be overwhelming for Dominants who don’t know how to handle their submissive’s enthusiasm and feel that things are happening too fast. This can cause them to pull away or shut down.

What that can mean is that you do everything in your power to be the perfect, doting, willing submissive and when your Dominant fails to recognize it, you get worried or resentful. This leads to misunderstandings, fear that you’re not enough or too much, and arguments.

Regarding your feelings of being clingy and emotionally vulnerable, these things are extremely common – especially with new submissives. Part of it could be sub frenzy, but part of it is that most of us have been taught we’re not supposed to need someone as much as many submissives need their Dominants, and so we wonder what’s wrong with us.

The best thing you can do is talk to your Dominant. Tell him how you feel. Tell him your worries and fears. It’s likely that what you really need to do is slow down in your exploration and have some patience. D/s is a learning process. You won’t be able to do all the things you want to do as a submissive from the very beginning. As you’ve probably figured out, trying to do everything before you’re ready leads to frustration, burn-out, and resentment.

And when you want more, you need to talk to your Master and let him know that you think you’re ready for more. Likewise, when you’re scared, nervous, or feeling vulnerable and emotional, you have to tell him that, too. Part of this D/s thing we do is learning how to rely on each other. If you want your Master to have control and power in your relationship (in or out of the bedroom), you also have to give him all the information so he can make the right decisions – or try to.

As for what to do when you get angry at your Dominant, you need to talk to him. D/s begins and ends with clear communication. You may be angry because you’re feeling overwhelmed or because your mind wasn’t on your submissive role. It could be resentment for other issues you haven’t worked out with him. There’s no way to know until you both sit down and have an honest conversation with each other about how you feel, what you want, and how you want to your D/s relationship to work.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on February 01, 2017 07:00

January 30, 2017

An Open Letter to Everyone Who Wants to Know What a D/s Relationship is Supposed to Look Like

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 10/29/16

A D/s (or M/s) relationship, for most of you reading this, you either have one or want one. For those of you who have never been in a D/s relationship before it comes as no shock that you want to know what it’s like and what to expect from it. And when people ask me what a D/s relationship is like, my first thought is that it is ‘like any other relationship,’ but that’s not entirely accurate. Let me tell you what the common misconceptions are and then we can talk about the reality of a D/s relationship. You may be surprised to learn that they aren’t as foreign as you think.

D/s relationships look no different from the outside. You likely won’t be able to spot them while out shopping or dining at your favorite restaurant, but I can assure you that you’ve likely encountered a couple in a D/s dynamic before. We aren’t as rare as you think. I can understand how you might think they’d be different. After all, you’ve just learned about BDSM or D/s and have been doing some reading and it sounds strange and very different to you. It might even go against your idea of feminism or gender equality and it’s beating at the doors of your personal belief of an equal and balanced relationship. But it’s really not that different and you don’t have to surrender your feminism or stand on gender issues to entertain the idea of a D/s relationship.

False Impressions

Much of what you pick up about D/s relationships and BDSM come from online and social media these days, and to be frank, a lot of it is garbage. A few of the things I picked up when I first started my submissive exploration had me very scared of entering a D/s relationship. Here are a few of the misconceptions of D/s relationships I had when I first started:

All D/s relationships are polyamorous or involve sharing of one or both partners. Monogamy doesn’t exist.
They are non-romantic partnerships and being in love is counter-productive.
Most people in D/s relationships are long-distance or have no intention of living together or marrying each other.
The submissive in the relationship has no outside job and is expected to wait hand and foot on the Dominant.
The submissive is naked all the time, there is a lot of playtime and is always chained up waiting on the Dominant’s whims.
A submissive in a D/s relationship has no opinion, lots of rules to follow and a strict discipline or punishment for misbehavior.

Now, these things are not complete myths, some of these things are perfectly normal D/s relationships styles. The point I’m trying to make is that expecting all of this or fearing you’ll have to submit to these things when you don’t want to just to have a D/s relationship is wrong. We all have needs and desires for our ideal partner and you don’t settle to have a D/s relationship, in fact, these needs and desires are important.

The Basics of a D/s Relationship

At the core of the D/s relationship is the conscious decision that one person leads and the other follows. Many (if not most) vanilla relationships are what I consider to be fluid, who leads or follows depends on the situation at hand, which means it can shift from one partner to another. This is not the case in a D/s relationship. Roles are defined and rigid so that one is always in control and the other always submits. Even in casual D/s relationships where there are on and off times, it’s still clear that one is the Dominant and one is the submissive.

I’ve also come to realize that BDSM relationships communicate far more openly and than the vanilla counterparts. Communication is a cornerstone of a strong relationship, vanilla or not, but through my experience and time watching the people around me develop relationships I’ve come to see that vanilla relationships often have more secrets or things that go unsaid. Which, in my opinion, leads to so much confusion it’s no wonder our relationships aren’t as strong as they can be.

The reality is that every relationship is unique and different based on the people in it. Trying to describe a generic idea of a strong D/s relationship is a short list. But the beauty is that there is so much we can personally add to our own idea of a relationship that will make it perfect for us. It will always be a mix of both people’s strengths that make a great D/s relationship.

D/s relationships are full of negotiation and compromise. Unlike scene negotiation, relationships negotiate more frequently and openly present what they want and need as its discovered. This helps the partnership stay balanced.

When a relationship is working well, it won’t attract attention from bystanders. When was the last time you saw a couple stand out from the crowd that wasn’t yelling or acting poorly? Often, a strong D/s relationship is even cloaked from friends in family. It’s hard to notice something odd when everything looks normal. And a D/s relationship is normal.

What D/s Relationships are NOT Supposed to Look Like

Unhealthy relationships abound; we’ve all encountered someone that isn’t good for us or friends that you wonder why they are together at all. There are a few things that should never happen in a healthy relationship, D/s dynamic or not.

1. Manipulation. If you feel manipulated into doing things you feel objectionable then you could be in a poor relationship.

2. Abuse. Many D/s relationships have elements of BDSM, but that’s consensual and meant to enhance the relationship. Abuse tears apart the trust and builds fear. It should never exist in a healthy relationship.

3. 24/7 Dungeon scenes. Yeah, our fantasies sound great, but you can not function if you are tied to the wall all day being flogged and fucked. A relationship is more than the fantasy.

4. Nonconsensual involvement of bystanders. Don’t parade your kink around the mall. You don’t need to walk on a leash at the grocery store. Forcing the public to witness your kink is inappropriate. There are discreet ways to do many of the things that push your buttons and the good news is they fly under the radar of the public. Keep the general population out of your play.

Everything we do to establish a D/s relationship is up for interpretation between the people involved. And as you can tell, there are very few established guidelines. What a D/s relationship is supposed to look like is whatever you feel it is the most healthy, functional way for you. Start with what you know about relationships and work from there. Find your wants and needs, write them down if you need to. And stick to it.

Relationships are complex, which is why each is unique and works or doesn’t work for the people within it. Make sure you aim for the best possible relationship that will fulfill your needs and you’ll never go wrong.

Thoughts to Ponder

How would you describe your current or previous D/s relationship?
How would you answer the question, “What is a D/s relationship supposed to look like?”
What would you like to know about D/s relationships?

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Published on January 30, 2017 07:00

January 25, 2017

Simply Service e-Zine: November 2005

We’re back again this month with another look back at a resource from the past. Remember, much of the content of these newsletters is still relevant today so take some time to read it!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

In to the November edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

November 2005

Download Now!

My Journey from Submissive to Slave… and the Miracle of Being “at His feet.” by slavedebbie
Community Unity by Master Kalan
Time Management by kessia
Declutter 101 by Tante Jen
Metamorphosis by slave a
Naturally Polyamourous by Mistress Pamela
Essay. “Why I am property, livestock” by E Missy Hall
Intimate Partner Abuse in the BDSM Lifestyle by sequi

Related Posts:
Simply Service e-Zine: September 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: August 2005
Simply Service e-Zine from November 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: January 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: July 2005

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Published on January 25, 2017 07:00

January 24, 2017

Thinking About Financial Dependency in Your D/s Dynamic?

Due to the traditional components of the Dominant/submissive dynamic, the topic of financial dependency seems to spring up in a lot of discussions. Is being financially dependent integral to being a 27/4 submissive? Does long term submission mean giving up your job? Is it healthy, or does it raise red flags? So forth, etc. Like everything, this aspect of your life is going to be completely dependent on the preferences of you and your partner, but it is something that I want to raise a few points on primarily because I’m currently a financial dependent.

So a few words about my situation before I begin:

As some of you already know, I’m an immigrant to the UK, and I’m currently on a fiancée visa, which means that I am not allowed to work, or have access to public funds. I had a ton of money saved up prior to applying for the visa, but the visa itself, and the fact that I was doing my best to pay for at least half of everything has meant that I am completely at the bottom of my savings, which means that my Dom’s good grace is my only real source of income. My situation as a financial dependent has absolutely nothing to do with my role as a submissive. It’s a byproduct of my immigration status, not my position in my relationship with my partner, so be aware that my current experience with financial dependency is, to a certain extent, an arrangement that neither my Dom nor I find ideal. That said, after a few months of being largely dependent on my Dom’s paycheck, here are my thoughts on the challenges that can arise, and some ideas on how you could feasibly make the arrangement work if you’re interested.

Here’s the thing about financial dependency: there’s no reason why being financially dependent should be tied into your submission unless you want it to be, and you do have to want it. Likewise, your Dom has to understand that, as the bread winner, you are going to be entirely vulnerable to his/her monetary whimsy.

For some people, that sort of dynamic is fine. It works. It gives them a sense of security, of being cared for as well as being dominated. If you’re used to being able to buy things for yourself, though, it is absolutely draining to have to ask for everything that you want or need—and you do have to ask, because your Dom is just as human as you are, and he/she isn’t going to magically know every want or need that you have. If you’re good at asking for things, this can be relatively easy to overcome, but for a lot of people, constantly having to ask for things is like putting yourself on the fast track for feeling incredibly selfish—especially if your Dom makes under a certain amount, or you’re someone who is constantly worrying about finances anyway.

Deciding to be financially dependent does Not mean:

you immediately go close your bank accounts the moment you decide to become financially dependent.
your Dom gets to keep all of your methods of access to your bank accounts in a place that is secret.
you sign your current monetary value over to your partner.

Instead, it means that your Dom controls the income and outcome of the household.

Your Dom determines how much money you get to buy groceries, how much extra money you get to spend on the things that you want and, to a certain degree, what kinds of things you can spend your money on.

If you’re going to become financially dependent, do make sure that you

know how to access your money in case of an emergency. Know where your cards are, know how to get cash out of the ATM, know the name of your partner’s attorney /accountant/etc. and make sure they know you. Remember this isn’t just to save you from a complicated break up, it’s to make sure you’re covered if something happens to your Dom.
keep anything you owned beforehand in your own name. If you own property in your name, part of a business, a car, stocks, etc. keep them. Eventually, you’re going to need some sort of paper trail, and you don’t want to explain to people why you suddenly sold/gave away everything that you owned to your partner/spouse.
pay some bills in your own name. Keep your credit decent by keeping some of the bills in your own name.

If you’re going to be financially dependent, at least have a joint account.

My very firm recommendation is that, if you’re going to include financial dependency in your submission, you need to at least have a joint account where the money for house bills, groceries, your allowance can go. This means that your Dom can still monitor the money, if that’s your desire, but it means that you can do rudimentary things like fill up your gas tank or run to the store for milk without having to ask your Dom for the cash. So what if you and your Dom want your Dom to have total control over the money? This is a difficult scenario to answer without offending people, but here it goes:

Your Dom having total control over the money is dangerous.

I am NOT saying that your Dom is dangerous. I am not trying to imply that your Dom might be out to hurt you by keeping control of money. If you have a well-established relationship with your Dom, and you’ve talked about the implications of giving up your financial independence thoroughly, then go for it, but if you’re submitting for the first time, or in a new relationship, be aware that an unrelenting insistence that your Dom have total control over finances can be a red flag for abuse. Do not give up your financial identity unless you know with certainty what your Dom’s intentions are.

That said, there are other risks in inadequately preparing yourself for financial dependency, even if you do have that great, trusting relationship with your Dom. It comes down to presence. For better or worse, you need to exist in some financial capacity. Divorce, death, chronic illness, severe injury, etc., are completely unpredictable things. If your Dom has complete control of all the finances and you have no access to the accounts, and he/she gets into an accident and ends up in a coma or dead, how are you going to provide for yourself?

Talk to Someone Who Deals with Money for a Living.

If you and your Dom are talking about introducing financial dependency into your lifestyle, don’t take shortcuts, and don’t risk your future well-being because you like someone else to have control. Talk to an accountant or a lawyer. Make sure that you are adequately represented in case something happens to your Dom. Make sure that you and your Dom understand how the finances work. Make sure that the accountant or attorney that you speak to is set up to represent BOTH of you.

Know that you’re taking a risk.

It doesn’t matter how long you have been with your partner; giving up your financial independence is My aunt was married to her husband for 5 years and running a business with him for another three when he convinced her to sign her part of the business over to him. Two years later, when she had fallen out of the habit of watching the accounts, he used his access to the money her parents left her to clean out her accounts, one withdrawal/deposit at a time. It took another eight years, a diagnosis of breast cancer, and a really poorly hidden affair for my aunt to discover that her husband, whom she trusted implicitly, had stolen her money. He then moved to another state to be closer to the woman he was having the affair with, leaving my aunt and her son with no money, and then refused to divorce her because he considered it his right as her husband to do what he wanted, with whom he wanted, and with whose cash he wanted. The only reason why my aunt wasn’t left completely helpless was because she and the accountant for the business were able to go back and track her husband’s illegal transactions, because even though she had stopped watching the accounts, her name was still on them.

Obviously, that’s a worst case scenario, but if you’re going to become financially dependent on someone, you need to make sure that you have an out clause somewhere. Financial dependency definitely falls under the “RACK” perimeters for me, and you need to make sure that if you pursue that aspect of submission, it is your responsibility to be very well informed about how the finances work, about your rights if something happens to your Dom, or if your relationship dissolves over time. The successful, safe implementation of financial dependency comes down to being well educated, exceptionally prepared, and a great willingness to have everything go wrong somewhere later down the line.

There is obviously nothing wrong with being financially dependent, if it works for you, and if you and your partner make an effort to educate yourselves on the risks and fail-safes for keeping both of you protected should the worse happen to either of you. I know that there are a lot of couples, D/s and vanilla alike, who work just fine operating under the highly traditional roles of breadwinner and housekeeper/parent, and they find it an enjoyable arrangement.

This is what it comes down to: financial dependency is not for everyone. It’s not even for most people. In fact, I highly discourage any type of financial dependency, unless you and your Dom have undergone marriage or civil partnership, because it leaves you so vulnerable and under-prepared if the relationship ends. If you do decide to make it part of your dynamic, do it because both you and your Dom want to. Talk about exactly what expectations you both have for the situation. Make sure that you discuss any reservations that you have completely openly, and make sure that you work together to create a budget that will ensure that the household run smoothly and that your needs and wants can be met on your Dom’s income.

As I said, my experiences are limited to circumstances that are a byproduct of other choices that my Dom and I have made. There are a lot of safe, workable ways to implement financial dependency, and there are tons of people who do it successfully without being rabidly for or against the dynamic. If you’re currently thinking about becoming financially dependent on your Dom, or you’re currently enjoying the dynamic, write a comment below explaining how you and your Dom make it work. Do you have suggestions for things to look for when starting out? Obstacles that had to be overcome, or legal/financial advice to give to those considering it?

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Published on January 24, 2017 07:00

January 23, 2017

Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol (Part 2 of 7) – More Specific Guidelines

by Ambrosio. This was first published on Ambrosio’s site and has a free to distribute license. Ambrosio dedicated this article to Beverly M. in Austin.

Did you miss part 1? Read it Now.

Socializing & Networking

Socializing takes place at muches, general meetings, runs, and parties. Munches are semi-public gatherings of BDSM enthusiasts for the purpose of socializing. They often take place in the private rooms of public restaurants but they can also take place in shopping mall food courts, bars, city parks, the main dining area of restaurants, and private homes.

Novices are often afraid to attend their first social or munch. Perhaps they are afraid that they will be expected to participate in an initiation ritual. They needn’t be. Generally, munches are for socializing not play.

If the munch is restricted to a private room in a public restaurant, restrict scene related discussions and actions to the private room.
It’s common for people running a munch group to get letters and emails from strangers expecting to be matched up with sex partners. Most BDSM groups are social organizations, not dating services. Although the clubs officers hope people find like-minded partners at socials, they don’t encourage a “meat market” atmosphere. If have no interest in getting to know people, you won’t have much success finding someone with whom to play. Can someone feel safe with a dominant who isn’t concerned with whom they play? Does a top feel appreciated by someone who wants to bottom to them without knowing anything about them?
Try to meet a variety of people at munches — not just the people with whom you want to sleep or play.
Befriend novices and shy people. When you see unfamiliar people who aren’t talking to anyone but seem as though they would like to, then go over to them and introduce yourself. If they seem receptive, start a conversation, answer any questions they might have, and introduce them to other people they might want to know. That small act of friendliness can do a great deal of good.
Don’t inquire about a person’s profession or business. Some might volunteer that information and many people aren’t concerned about keeping them secret but some people want to keep their professional life separate from their scene life.

For more on socials, munches, and bashes, please read the following three articles:

“What To Expect At a Munch” by Mistress Constance
“A Beginners’ Guide to Munches” by Stu – This article was written specifically for the British BDSM community. But while some of the particular information doesn’t apply outside the UK, a lot of it is relevant to the scene in other countries — the U.S. being one.
“What To Expect At a Bash” by Mistress Constance
Dress

“A good uniform must work its way with women, sooner or later.”

- Charles Dickens

You don’t have to be dressed in a $500 designer latex catsuit to fit in. The models in <> and Taste of Latex are not representative of the scene in general. The players come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and orientations. As Ani DiFranco sings “You don’t have to be a supermodel to do the animal thang.” BDSM doesn’t have to be about conspicuous consumption and outrageous fashion statements. It can be — if that’s your kink — but it doesn’t have to be.

So how should you dress? It depends on the function and your area.

Socials, Club Meetings, and Munches: The dress code for munches in public restaurants — even the private rooms of public restaurants — vary greatly by region. In Silicon Valley, the munch might take place in the center of a restaurant with attendees in handcuffs and none of the vanilla customers will give it another glance. In the Bible Belt, the munch might take place in the private room of a family restauran and the guests asked to dress conservatively. In general, for semi-public munches or socials, it’s best that you not wear anything objectionable like a transparent blouse or an exposed thong. There are two considerations behind this:

Consideration for the restaurant’s management which wants to appeal to a family clientele. After all, the munch organizers would like to be welcomed back.
Consideration of the munch membership — who feel varying degrees of comfort with being identified as part of our sub-culture. Some of us are afraid to be identified as being a “pervert.” If they’re seen associating with “leather-clad bikers” and scantily clad “exotic dancers” it might hurt their public reputation and cause real harm.
Most groups encourage dress creatively within the dress code. One man in San Antonio likes to wear a military school jacket and black latex pants. Other groups in other states prefer that you dress as vanilla as possible. While tasteful collars that look like necklaces are welcome, dog collars from the sale bin at PetsMart may not be. When in doubt, dress like you’re going to a PTA meeting.

Parties: For parties, dress for your own enjoyment or for the pleasure of your significant other. Just be sure to wear something over your more “inspired” clothing — or lack of it — when you’re outside the party space. Acceptable party wear can include

Classic: black leather
Fantasy: harem girls, priest, nuns, catholic school girls, barbarian warriors, etc.,
SCA: period costumes
Formal: dinner jackets, dresses
Goth
Drag / Cross dressing
Nudity or near nudity
Black clothes

The only thing that occurs to me as being borderline unacceptable is the “preppy bar hopping” look in which the attendee makes absolutely no effort to fit in. It looks like he has stopped by for a few minutes before heading to a trendy singles bar.

In some cases, because of legal consideration, complete nudity might not be permitted. When in doubt, check with the host.

Leather Bars and Runs: There is a rather consistent uniform for the leather scene. While deviation is acceptable, it’s traditionally a variation of the classic biker uniform:
leather cap or cloth bandana
plain white t-shirt
blue jeans
leather belt worn with the jeans
leather chaps worn over the jeans (or over a leather thong or g-string)
leather pants
leather boots

(NOTE: in some high protocol circles, a novice would not wear leather — just a plain white t-shirt and blue jeans.)

That’s not to imply that the uniform hasn’t evolved a bit. Someone with more experience in the Leather community than the author writes:

The most suprising change, to me, is that blue jeans are much rarer than black jeans now. Grey or black t-shirts outnumber white. Usually, the t-shirts don’t have logos or writing but t-shirt from the leather community (bar, store, etc.) is OK. There are some other odd variances–Boston seems to have the tightest dress codes in the country, New Orleans the loosest. During a leather run, the rules are relaxed, not tightened (so friends and partners who are not into leather can join leatherfolk out at the bars).

That said, the leather look is a “classic” look and it is well served by the economy. To quote Larry Townsend again:

On the whole, I think the more subdued costume is the most effective, regardless of the action you’re seeking. The guy who affects an obvious pose, who wears clothing which is calculated to stand out under the black lights in many bars is not going to do well as his more conservatively dressed counterpart. The leather-bike people tend to favor a less-flamboyant sexuality, although an impressive basket is never unappreciated. (The Leatherman’s Handbook, p. 142)

When in doubt, err on the side of caution.

S.A.M.

“If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won’t. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then afterward act quietly in the manner according to the dictates of your best judgment.”

- Mark Twain, “Bad Boys and Girls”

S.A.M. can mean “smart ass masochist” also known as a “brat.” As the name implies, S.A.M.s are non-submissive masochistic bottoms who — under the pretext of submission — become deliberately disobedient and disrespectful to their dominants in order to provoke punishment. While many doms dislike this sort of manipulation and consider it “topping from below,”, S.A.M. behavior can be appropriate — if all parties enjoy and consent to it. Some doms call any bottoms who choose not to submit to them an S.A.M. when in fact, it is a bottom’s prerogative to choose to whom they submit. To be a real S.A.M., a bottom must be inappropriately and intentionally rude, disrespectful, and provocative.

BTW, playful bratty behavior — while often unacceptable in the BDSM scene — is quite common and acceptable in the spanking scene where D/s is not an essential component.

Touching Others

Casual touching seems like a bigger irritant in our scene than in society as a whole. I know a lot of female dominants who get notably irritated when someone touches them, their toys, or their subs without permission. I once saw a novice male dominant reaching over to touch the hand of a dominant woman he didn’t know and ask her “Are you a sub or a domme?” He found out very quickly.

Gender Identification

Drag Queens and Sissies: It is correct form to address and refer to a drag queen or a sissy as female. It is considered bad form to disparage a drag queen no matter how poorly they pass as female. That is especially true in the Gay Leather scene.

Butch: Some butch women prefer to be addressed as men and to be referred to with male pronouns. Some do not. When meeting a butch woman for the first time, the best advice is to ask “how do you prefer to be addressed?” You might forget yourself and use the incorrect pronoun on occasion but that is very common and most butch women are very forgiving if they can tell you are trying.

No matter how confused and flustered you might become over a person’s gender, you must never refer to them as “it.” Not being sure about a person’s gender is one thing but to refute their humanity is inhumane.

Apologizing

“I never apologize. I’m sorry — but that’s the way I am.”

- Homer Simpson

“If a man continually blusters, if he lacks civility, a big stick will not save him from trouble.”

- Theodore Roosevelt

Rudeness is inexcusable in both dominants and submissives. Even if a master orders his slave to get refreshments, the slave cannot push aside people in her way or cut in line. And a dominant may not touch someone else’s property — or even an unattached submissive — without permission. A dominant or submissive who is rude should apologize — truly apologize.

In the article “Elements of an Apology”, the late Tammad Rimilia describes a proper apology:

… the elements of an apology are these:

1) A restatement of what it was that you did that was wrong,

2) A statement that you regret doing that wrong thing, and

3) A promise to try not to do similar things wrong in the future.

The first element allows the recipient of the apology to feel confident that the apologist is actually thinking about the same event or act that they are. The second element conveys that the apologist is keenly sorry for what they did, and the third element gives hope that the future will proceed better.

… an apology does not feel sincere unless it incorporates all three elements.

In addition to the elements which Tammad Rimilia lists, etiquette expert Llewellyn Miller offers the following:

Acknowledging the offense
Recognizing your responsibility
Explaining why you made the mistake
Acknowledging the pain or discomfort you’ve caused
Showing sincere regret and genuine concern over the injury
Apologizing for the pain or discomfort
Attempting or offering to rectify the situation

A real apology does not put the blame on the injured party or someone else. A real apology does not emphasize the excuse over the regret. A real apology is not delivered in a manner that trivializes the offense.

Marsha L. Wagner offers an excellent illustration of the difference between a poor apology and a proper apology: The New York Senator Alfonse M. D’Amato mocked Judge Ito on the radio by referring to him as “Little Judge Ito” and adopting an offensive stereotypical Japanese sounding accent. The senator was widely criticized for what seemed like racial slurs and he was encouraged to apologize. In his first attempt, he issued a brief written statement through his office:

If I offended anyone, I’m sorry. I was making fun of the pomposity of the judge and the manner in which he’s dragging the trial out.

That only made the situation worse so he apologized again. This time he made the following statement personally:

I’m here on the Senate floor to give a statement as it relates to that episode. It was a sorry episode. As an Italian-American, I have a special responsibility to be sensitive to ethnic stereotypes. I fully recognize the insensitivity of my remarks about Judge Ito. My remarks were totally wrong and inappropriate. I know better. What I did was a poor attempt at humor. I am deeply sorry for the pain that I have caused Judge Ito and others. I offer my sincere apologies.

The second apology was acceptable where the first was not.

In summary, a full apology consists of the following:

Acknowledging the offense
Admitting that the offense was wrong
Explaining why you made the mistake
Recognizing your responsibility
Acknowledging the pain or discomfort you’ve caused
Showing sincere regret and genuine concern over the injury
Promising to try not to make the same mistake in the future. (Or in the case of major betrayals, never to make the same mistake again.)
Apologizing for the discomfort or pain
Attempting or offering to rectify the situation

[Sources:

"Elements of an Apology" by Tammad Rimilia at http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/ (defunct),

"Apologies and Excuses" in The Encyclopedia of Etiquette by Llewellyn Miller, and

"Apologies" by Marsha L. Wagner at http://www.ombuds.uci.edu/JOURNALS/19... (gone)]

Accepting Apologies

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.”

- Marcus Aurelius

“I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.”

- Abraham Lincoln

You are not obligated to accept or acknowledge an apology if you don’t think it is sincere and appropriate. Over time it can become apparent that some people use apologies to get out of trouble. To them, apologies are just another tool to get what they want.
People cannot bargain with apologies. Conditional apologies are as real as conditional love and are even less satisfying.
If someone seems to make an honest attempt at an apology or explain their actions, it is only fair to listen.
It is as important to accept a sincere and appropriate apology as it is to offer one. It is also heathier than holding a grudge.
Addressing Inappropriate Behavior

For the good of the community, it is everyone’s responsibility to report inappropriate behavior to the correct individuals:

Misbehaving collared submissives: The behavior of a submissive reflects on his or her dominant and the dominant is responsible for the behavior of the submissive so it follows that when a collared submissive misbehaves, you should report the submissive’s behavior to the submissive’s owner. It is then the owner’s responsibility to address the bad behavior.A few couples don’t observe this convention. They feel that the submissive is responsible for her own behavior. (To many of us, that seems to contradict the roles of dominant and submissive but the BDSM scene does not have a board of standards and practices.) Still, if the couple’s relationship is not clear, then it is prudent to approach the top first.In any case, someone — either the dominant or the submissive — is answerable for the submissive’s behavior. The protocol card doesn’t get them both off the hook.
Unsafe Players: It’s bad form to interrupt a scene at a party. If you see something that appears dangerous, non-consensual, or against the party rules, bring it to the attention of the Dungeon Monitor. The DM will decide on the appropriate action to take.
Stalkers and other criminals: If someone in the community has crossed the line between simple rudeness and inappropriateness to something illegal — stalking, rape, non-consensual abuse, theft, etc., — it is your duty and in your best interest to report such behavior to both the proper legal authorities who are best equipped to handle the issue and the leaders of the local community who need to know. Keep in mind the community’s ability to police itself is both limited and problematic. It should go without saying that no one should make false accusations or exaggerate misunderstanding and honest mistakes. Unfortunately, that happens in the community and it has unfairly caused serious damage to people’s lives and reputations.
All others: At group functions — such as a munch or party — please report someone misbehaving — touching without permission, refusing to take no for an answer, etc., — to the munch facilitator, a party host, or to club officer.
Related Posts:
Play Nice: Some Notes on Scene Etiquette and Leather Protocol (Part 1 of 7) – General Principles
The Art of Apology: Receiving an apology when you don’t think one is necessary
The Art of Apology: Receiving an Apology
The Art of Apology: Don’t Over Apologize
The Art of Apology: How to Apologize

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Published on January 23, 2017 07:00

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