Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 22

It’s Not Just The Size That Matters: Playing With an Uncircumcised Penis

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 4-30-16

The age-old phrase, “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean,” was created, I believe, to give men with average sized penises some sexual confidence. If you ask any woman in private they are more likely to tell you exactly the type of penis that pleases them. For some it’s long and skinny, others like the short, girthy guys and every single woman I know has a foreskin preference too. You may be able to sit there and think about the type of penis that gets your juices flowing too.

I’m not going to talk much about size or girth in this article. I’m going to fixate on foreskin, I think it’s not commonly related to a woman’s pleasure as much as the man’s and that needs to be corrected. Being a woman I can’t say what it’s like for a man to have a foreskin or not have a foreskin during sex. I don’t have the equipment.

My opinion as far as if it should be removed or not is unnecessary for this discussion. I’ve read all sorts of articles about the benefits and religious implications and I decided that for this post they don’t matter. (If circumcision discussions are a hot button issue for you, I suggest you set them aside for the duration of this post.)

What does matter to most women is how a man’s penis feels. Sure, there is an aesthetic aspect too, but to me that’s negligible. Unless you have a fetish for one or the other. I’ve never been squicked by the look of an uncut penis. It’s a body part and that’s the way it looks. Just because most of the pictures women see are of cut penis’ that doesn’t make foreskin bearers any less sexually appealing.

Handling an intact penis is different from a cut one, that’s for sure. Here’s what I’ve picked up from the number of penis’ I’ve had intimate connection with a time or two.

Manual Stimulation

When you are giving your guy a hand job the presence or lack of a foreskin means you need to handle it differently.

The first penis I was exposed to was of the uncut variety. Stroking the uncut penis is a lot easier and straightforward. The skin moves up and down over the head of the penis so provide heightened sensations for the man. It is also common that an uncut penis head will be more sensitive to touch so be careful as you manipulate them that you keep that in mind. The loose skin moving up and down the shaft is what causes the pleasurable sensations. Make sure that the skin also goes up over the head of the penis in your manipulations. No lube is required to jerk an uncut penis.

That can’t be said of a circumcised penis. Typically lube of some form is necessary because your hand will be what’s going up and down over the head of the penis and you will need to cut down on the friction created. The experience I had with a cut penis was fleeting but it seemed harder for me to stroke him the way I wanted to. I had to get lube, not squeeze as tightly because there was no skin to move up and down and he seemed to ejaculate a lot faster.

Now, this is likely to be the individual experience, as I’ve been informed by a man who has no foreskin that the head of his penis isn’t very sensitive, the scar tissue where the foreskin used to be is not as sensitive either. If this is the case, then a man with a cut penis will need more manual sensation to orgasm than one with foreskin.

Oral Stimulation

When preparing to give oral sex to a man with a foreskin there are a few things to keep in mind.Sucking on a man’s foreskin is quite fun. A few of the men I’ve been with enjoyed having my tongue slip between the foreskin and the head of their penis. As with manual stimulation the head is more sensitive, from my experience. Light touch is effective and creates fun responses from the man.

A circumcised penis has a less sensitive head so stronger sensations are usually necessary. Hard sucking and licking and occasional teeth are rarely turned down. In my experience it was a lot harder to bring a man to orgasm that had a cut penis than one who was intact. Some people like a challenge. Heh.

Intercourse

Sex is pretty straight forward, however the sensation is different for the woman; at least in my case. I noticed that with a circumcised man the friction heat, no matter how wet I was, escalated pretty quickly. It was more common to have to slow down or change activities to “cool off.” Is it like this with every cut man? I couldn’t say.

What I do know is that sex with an intact man was very different. The extra skin acts as a friction barrier during sex. Something that makes it more pleasurable for me. As with handjobs, the foreskin will move with the shaft, so some consideration needs to be taken when applying condoms.

When applying a condom on an intact man you will need to make sure that the foreskin is pulled off the head, but not stretched down the length of the penis. This way it can still naturally move up and down over the head during sex. I’ve actually preferred female condoms when necessary because it doesn’t inhibit the natural movement of the skin on the penis.

Also, if you are into anal sex, it can be easier and require less lube with an intact man because of his loose skin. As I’ve said before, friction heat can build up fast and with a tighter grip, that means more friction. Keep that in mind the next time you have anal sex.

I don’t want you to think I’m some slut who sleeps with a lot of people. I’ve had 7 partners. But I like to study the penis I’m pleasuring and given that I’ve experienced several ‘types’ I can say what I’ve found in relation to them.

I would love to hear what you have learned from playing with your partner’s penis. If you have experience with both intact and circumcised, what differences have you noticed?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 25, 2016 07:00

Simply Service e-Zine: July 2005

I hope you are enjoying this look back on this wonderful resource. I know I am. Remember, much of the content of these newsletters is still relevant today so take some time to read it!

From the newsletter’s description;

Current contributors are all slave or submissive identified, and in real time relationships where obedience and service are necessary, valued skills, achieved over time. I have been fortunate enough to meet these lovely people all over the country, and have delighted in great conversations, where we sometimes agree, and sometimes disagree, but are bound by a mutual respect of each other’s choices. Occasionally, words from the “other side” might be included as well, as many perspectives will be represented.

On to the July edition of Simply Service, produced by Bootpig all the way back in 2005.

Contents
Service does not always mean Serious by morgana
From the Editor and GWNN Bash Announcement
Southwest Leather Conference Announcement – Looking for PR reps
Luxury in the Bath with Tante Jen
Aftercare starts with Negotiations by Lady Wyllo
hope’s Journal
The Pitfalls of Excellence by slave a
A Life without Rules by Tante Jen

July 2005

Download Now!
Related Posts:
The Top 30 Posts of 2009
Simply Service e-Zine: June 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: May 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: April 2005
Simply Service e-Zine: March 2005

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Published on July 22, 2016 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: $25 Gift Certificate from Cane-iac (1 Winner)

Quality BDSM Implements are something to treasure. Today’s giveaway is for a $25 gift certificate from Cane-iac! I own several canes from them and have quite a love for them. They do offer more than canes though so head on over to the site and check out their product lines! The products they offer won’t break the bank and are high quality. If you prefer to shop at small family businesses then this is definitely somewhere you need to frequent often. Small businesses make the kink world a happy place.

CANE-IAC is a family business built on a simple philosophy of producing high quality rattan canes, specialty canes and spanking tools at an affordable price. New designs are constantly being developed and tested. We believe that the study, practice and safe use of canes should not hurt one’s wallet. And YES we personally test all of our cane designs. We enjoy the safe practice of erotic, sensual canings.

The winner of this weekend’s giveaway will get a $25 gift certificate to use at their store for any of their spanking implements that they offer. It is sent via email and never expires. What a great item!

Would you like to win a $25 Gift Certificate from Cane-iac? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, July 24th at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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Published on July 21, 2016 07:00

Ask Subguide – Worried I’m Not Enough

Dear SG,
I’m in love with my Master. That’s natural right? Over a decade with this man. He’s in love with me as well but I’m not so sure that I’m what he needs anymore. His need for his sadistic ways to flourish are being held back by me. Is that fair? That because of his love for me that he suppress this? As his submissive /slave, is it wrong for me to decide this for him? Tell him that I’m no longer what he needs. Or do I sit back and watch the man I love, my Master, struggle internally? My heart aches because I want, with ever fiber of my being, for him to have what he needs to thrive. But it’s not me. So while wanting this for him, I am giving up what I want – the ultimate submission right? What do I do? I feel that I am nothing without him, my world would crumble. He is all I know. The only that I’ve felt trusting enough to submit to fully. It is He who ushered me into the beauty of this lifestyle.

He has stated that we need to bring another sub along for our journey. I have begun looking. But in looking am I finding my replacement? That someone who will be it all for Him? Probably so, and that makes the search that much more tedious and heartbreaking . Finding the one who is the be all for Him, when all these years that’s all I desired for, strived for.

Heartbreaking indeed, yes?

So what shall I do? Leave and feel like dying? Or stay and feel insignificant?
–Not Enough

I can feel your pain and uncertainty in your words, and my heart is breaking for you. You have a few things going on here, so I’ll do my best to address each of them.

First of all, you both are allowed to, can, and should decide what you want for your relationship to be and whether or not you want it to continue. But you don’t get to decide for him whether you’re enough, you’re holding him back, or he’s somehow lacking. You don’t get to decide that as a person or as his submissive/slave. Only he can decide that.

Without knowing anything but your pain, I can’t even begin to tell you whether he feels the way you believe he does. You seem to have decided that he does because he has a sadistic side that he’s not able to fully enjoy with you. Have you talked to him about how you’re feeling? That would be the first step in all of us. In this email, you’ve decided that the relationship is over because he can’t be completely and fully who you believe he should be, but I don’t see any indication that he’s told you any of that.

From my experience, submissives have a tendency to read into every emotion, every facial expression, and every word our Dominants say to us. I think we do this, in part, because we’re desperate to anticipate their needs and please them. There have been many times I’ve assumed there was something wrong with my own Dominant when in reality he was stressed from work and exhausted. Just because we are usually pretty good at anticipating what they want or need doesn’t mean we’re always right.

Instead of assuming he doesn’t need you or isn’t fulfilled, you need to talk to him. And you need to listen to what he tells you. If you’re still unsure, watch his actions. They should match what he tells you. If he says one thing but does another, then you have reason to worry. Until then, you might just be overthinking things.

Next, if he does have a sadistic side that he isn’t able to fully express within your existing dynamic, there are options. It seems that you’re in the process of working towards one option – taking on a new submissive.

I’m concerned here, not because adding a new submissive is a bad idea – it can be great for a relationship that can handle the additional person, responsibilities, and feelings. The only way this will work, though, is if you communicate fully and completely. You have a lot of conflicting feelings about whether this is a good idea or not. If you go into this with the belief you may be finding your own replacement, you aren’t in a good space to add a third person to your relationship.

You need to talk to your Master, immediately. Lay it all out. Tell him every fear, every concern, every thought you have about this person being your future replacement. I wouldn’t go forward at all until you’ve talked to one another and your fears have been dealt with.

That being said, if he needs to let his sadistic side out, you don’t necessarily have to open your relationship up to a third person. What you may need to do, if you haven’t already, is to become involved in your local community, find the local BDSM club/dungeon, and find someone who he trusts and respects to be the masochistic bottom to his sadistic top. If you and he are both agreeable to this idea, that person wouldn’t be a part of your relationship and the interaction would be kept to scenes at the club or the party. He’s getting in itch scratched, and your relationship is still closed.

However, even that won’t work well until you’re both on the same page about your relationship, where it’s headed, what you both need, and how you both feel about it all. Regardless of which direction you head in, together or apart, nothing can happen until you tell him how you feel and let him tell you how he feels about all of this. You’ve got to talk to him.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 20, 2016 07:00

The Art of Apology: Receiving an Apology

Just as it’s important to know how to apologize, it’s important to know how to receive one. Saying the wrong thing after someone has apologized to you can make the person apologize feel like you’re dismissing their attempt to make things right between the pair of you. Make this mistake often enough, and you’re creating a climate where apologies aren’t offered because they’re considered meaningless exchanges. Alternatively, the way that you accept an apology can unintentionally communicate to the person apologizing that their actions were perfectly acceptable (when they were not), or worse, that they had no effect on you at all (when they did). You never want to create the impression that you weren’t offended if you were, but you also don’t want to dismiss someone’s attempt to apologize to you when they’ve worked to acknowledge that they’ve done something offensive.

Always say thank you

Even if you’re still livid at the person, thank them for apologizing to you. Make it the first thing you say, if you can’t think of anything else to say. This lets the person know that, even if you’re still angry at them, you appreciate that they recognize they’ve done something to upset you. You might not feel very appreciative as you say it, but eventually, you’ll feel better for them having apologized than you will if they never do.

Assume they’re sincere

Nothing is worse than apologizing to someone and then being laughed at. We all know what it’s like to know that we’ve done something wrong, and to feel reluctant to apologize because we don’t want to admit that we were wrong. It’s a big step for people, especially stubborn people, to humble themselves and to make themselves vulnerable to your scrutiny by apologizing. So assume that the person in sincere, even if he/she doesn’t sound as sincere as you’d like them to. Either they are sincere, and they’ll be relieved that you didn’t take the opportunity to attack them while they were vulnerable, or they weren’t sincere, and trying to guilt them into being more sincere is only going to create more problems than solve. If they weren’t sincere, they’ll either never be sincere and be more justified in their behavior because of your negative reaction, or they’ll learn to regret their actions/words in their own time. Don’t negate the opportunity of the latter just for the satisfaction of needling them.

Wait until they’ve finished before you speak

In the article where I address how to apologize, I make a point to say that the conversation where you apologize really shouldn’t be the conversation where you also try to justify your actions. While that’s true, as someone receiving an apology, you’ll have to bear in mind that 1) not everyone reads the articles posted on Submissive Guide and won’t have read my super-awesome-highly-qualified-and-insightful-opinions on what makes a good apology, and 2) not everyone is a great communicator.

Understand, too, that the word “apology” used to mean “justification” or “reasoning words” (it comes from Apollo, the god of reason, and “log” which means word). It may have been a long, long while since the Greek philosophers invented the idea of apologies, but there’s still a certain amount of cultural residue that gives most people the impression that their apology should go hand-in-hand with their reasons for why they felt justified in doing what they were doing.

Do your best to hear the person out, from start to finish. Even if the reason that they give for what they’ve done makes no sense to you, understand that, ultimately, the reason why they did what they did isn’t important. What matters is that they recognize they’ve done or said something to upset you.

Be Careful with your words

This is especially if the person apologizing has gone through an extensive amount of words to explain something that you completely disagree with. When accepting an apology, it’s important that you make the distinction of what you’re actually accepting. If your partner is apologizing for being rude to you because a blue kangaroo tap-danced on his/her car and now the cheeseburger is underdone, it’s perfectly possible to let him/her know you accept that they didn’t mean to be rude without letting them know that the aforementioned reason makes it okay for him/her to be rude to you.

When in doubt, go with a formula: [Thanks][acknowledgement][cause/effect][prevention].

“Thank you for apologizing. I appreciate that you recognized that the way you spoke to me upset me. Maybe the next time the kangaroo jumps on your car and ruins your cheeseburger, we can talk about it before we’re both frustrated.”

Silly example aside, the response does a couple of things: 1) You reinforce that apologizing isn’t a waste of the person’s time. 2) You show that you appreciate that the person took the time to recognize they did something to upset you. 3) You reiterate exactly what about the exchange was offensive and how it affected you. 4) You open up a discussion for why the person’s reason doesn’t make his/her response appropriate, and allow the conversation to turn toward how to avoid the issue in the future.

Forgiveness vs. Acceptance

There a difference between accepting an apology and forgiving someone for his/her actions. The former means that you understand that the person is sorry for what they’ve done. It means that you’re still hurt by his/her choices, and that you’ll still carry that hurt with you, but ultimately, you understand that they do want to make the situation better, and that they are sincere in offering their apology. Forgiving someone, on the other hand, means that it’s water under the bridge. You accept their apology, but in addition to that, you hold no hard feelings; it’s your way of telling that person that you’re happy to move on, to forget the incident and never bring it up again, and that you’ll do your best to treat your relationship like the wrong-doing never happened. It’s the emotional equivalent of saying, “May bad,” or “It’s fine,” when someone bumps into you in the supermarket and apologizes.

I’m going to be a little contrary here: if you don’t think that you can forgive someone, if you know that you won’t be able to look at a person without thinking about how they hurt you, then don’t use the words “I forgive you” when accepting their apology. Maybe it’s the linguist in me, and maybe it’s just meaningless syntax to most people, but forgiving someone is more profound than accepting someone’s apology. To me, accepting an apology is surface level; it’s acknowledging that the person who has wronged you understands that they’ve wronged you, and it’s communicating with that person that you understand they regret having hurt you. Forgiving someone, on the other hand, is the equivalent of saying that you’ve erased the incident from your memory. It means that you won’t bring up the incident in the future, you won’t hold them accountable passed the apology they’ve presented, that you’ve freed them from the obligation of trying to make up their actions to you in any way. If you know that you’re going to hold a grudge, don’t forgive someone. It’s not fair to that person to be told that they’re forgiven, but to have to worry about whether or not you’ll bring it up in an argument three months down the road.

On the other hand, as my mother would say, the last thing that you want in life is to have the opportunity to genuinely forgive someone and to lose that opportunity later. Granted, she was talking to her three children and trying to stress the rather morbid point that if one of us died before the other forgave us, the surviving sibling would live their whole life knowing that she didn’t forgive her sister for stealing a Barbie doll, but the reason behind the statement is still completely valid. In the grand scheme, holding a grudge might feel productive for a time, but it’s rarely, if ever, worth the possibility that you’ll lose the person you’re angry at, and lose the opportunity to forgive him/her later on.

Accepting apologies can be as difficult as giving them: not just because our emotions can get in the way, but because sometimes we find ourselves confronted by unnecessary apologies. The next and final article in the series is going to address how to accept an apology when you don’t think one is necessary (and why these apologies are important to accept, regardless).

In the meantime, think about the last time you had to accept an apology from someone. Did it go well? If so, what did you do? If not, what could you have done differently?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 19, 2016 07:00

Review: Weekender Confidential Travel Bag by Eternity Collars

Traveling with toys can be a stressful situation. How do you hide them from prying eyes? Can you keep them separate from your weekend necessities? Eternity Collars has a custom made solution; The Weekender Confidential Travel Bag. You’ve seen reviews for their items here before, most recently the Black Titanium wrist cuff. This time they sent me their special order leather travel bag with a false bottom and hidden compartment. If you want to travel in class and style, this bag might be the fashion stopper for you. No one needs to know you’re hiding kink equipment inside!

What Is It?

The Weekender Confidential Travel Bag is a 12″ x 22″ x 12″ luxury leather bag with a hidden storage compartment. It comes with handles and a shoulder strap for convenient carrying. The hidden compartment is a false floor and the drawer has movable and removable dividers so you can customize what you store in it. There is an external side pocket and a larger side pocket on the inside, and a removable strap that doubles as a leash.

Check out the video on the bag produced by Eternity Collars.

Thoughts

Since I don’t do any traveling, I asked KnyghtMare to take it with him when he was out of town on the weekends he visited his other poly partners. Then I gave him a short interview and here’s what he thinks of the Travel Bag.

Is it a decent size to fit what you wanted to bring for a weekend?

You can fit a decent amount of things in there. A decent amount of rope, or paddles, clamps and other stuff. And the dividers work well for keeping things organized for when you wanna grab stuff and play.

Was it easy to load, carry and unload?

Easy to load and carry around, yes. If you want quick access to the things you’ve packed you need to unpack your personal items from the bag first which is a bit of a hindrance if you don’t normally do that but it’s to be expected. I never felt like I couldn’t find something or that is was a hassle to go into it to get anything.

What did you think of the hidden compartment?

Feels like a bit of a gimmick to me but it works well. The only issue I had was getting the false bottom of the bag to lay flat when I had something large in there like a magic wand.

Can it fit everything you might want for a weekend of play?

Definitely so long as you don’t require too many bulky items.

What else might you use the hidden compartment for?

If you wanted to be boring I suppose you could put more clothing in it, or use it to store toiletries. You could probably store electronic devices like a laptop or tablet in it if you had nothing bulky or heavy in the clothing compartment.

How well is the bag constructed?

Very well. It feels sturdy and tough, it keeps it’s shape well and even the zipper seems to be quite sturdy. It is heavy at 6.5 lbs, so you will want to consider that if you do a lot of airline travel, weight costs money.

Who do you think would benefit from a bag like this?

Anybody who travels around quite a bit and wants to play when they get there I suppose. You could forego the clothing section of the bag and fill it with more toys quite easily but you’d lose the organization the compartment offers. I’d have no worries packing a lot more equipment in and using it as a bag for play parties though.

Is it worth the $685 price tag?

It’s a bit of a steep price tag in my opinion. If you have that kind of cash sitting around for luxury items I think it’s worth it – I don’t think it’s going to break easily and could stand up to a lot of wear and tear. I probably wouldn’t buy this for myself at that price point though.

Where to Get It

The Weekender Travel Bag is only available by custom order at EternityCollars.com for $685. This item is a custom order, so time from purchase to delivery will depend on production times. Contact Eternity Collars with interest in the bag.

Pros and Cons
Pros:
Carries a decent amount
Leather
Sturdy construction
Movable dividers in hidden compartment allow for custom sizes
Strap doubles as a leash

Cons:
Price makes it a luxury item
Heavy
Bulky toys prevent false floor from fitting

If you are looking for a luxurious new travel bag that can keep your kinky secret, take a look at the Weekender.

This product was given to me by Eternity Collars, free of charge, in exchange for an honest review.
Related Posts:
Review: Black Titanium Wrist Cuff by Eternity Collars
Broken Vows: When Vanilla Marriage Falls Apart Because of Kink
Book Review: Leading and Supportive Love
Recommended Podcasts for Kink and Power Exchange Relationships
Book Review: Playing Well with Others

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 18, 2016 07:00

Submissive vs. Slave

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

This distinction appears muddled, misunderstood and generalized by a great number of the people who I converse with. First I would like to make a point. Language at it’s best shifts from area to area. Within this one continent, we have many variations or dialects of usage. This can be seen in terms like sweeper meaning vacuum cleaner etc. So, many words used within a community can mean different things to different people based on the ‘age’ of the person, their background and the common usage of the area they live in.

The submissive is a volunteer.

The slave is not a volunteer.

This is the core and substantial difference between the two terms. Within the BDSM community this can be interpreted in this way. The submissive individual may be lightly, moderately or heavily submissive. The submissive has a desire to submit to the direction of another person which in this community we call the Dominant or Top. Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena’s. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship. Other submissives will have a more moderate (this is the largest group) approach, a stronger desire to submit for longer periods of time with fewer restrictions, limitations and requirements. A small percentage of submissives will be heavily submissive. They desire and look for a full-time partner to live with on a full-time basis. Their nature is to seek to express their submission as often as possible with the fewest restrictions upon their chosen Dominant as possible. Generally their list of limitations, rules and requirements may be verbal, short and flexible.

Additionally, there is the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts. This person is willing to submit only so far as to address their personal needs. Their orientation toward ‘serving’ the other person is almost nonexistent. They will have a list of personal needs and requirements and in large part do not care who fills them. These persons tend to be called the “DO ME” subs. In my opinion, they are not submissives at all, not having the basic criteria of a ‘desire to serve for the pleasure of another’ that is the fundamental trait I identify as submissive and Dominant. For me personally, the ‘do me sub’ in my eyes is a vanilla person with a kink fetish desire.

There is one other category that needs to be mentioned here. This is the terminology of bottom and masochist. In general terms a bottom is not necessarily submissive but a person who enjoys scening from the bottom position. This bottom may or may not consider themselves to be a submissive, many consider themselves to be neither submissive nor Dominant but more accurately a switch. You will note that I do not consider a bottom to be a ‘do me sub’, their attitude, orientation and motivation are distinctly different. In my opinion they are usually very open and honest about the submissive aspect and by virtue of that fall into their own category. I have scened with many bottoms and found them to be excellent for demo’s, workshops and to help out or assist where multiple persons are useful for the fulfillment of a scene. The masochist also plays in here, a masochist is a person that enjoys pain being inflicted upon them. They do not need to be submissive at all, (similar to a bottom). However, many submissives are strongly masochistic. The masochist also is sometimes called a ‘pain slut’, they generally are most similar to a bottom in clarifying their distinctions from the label or identification of submissive. This form of honesty is what in my opinion makes both of these choices valid.

The SLAVE ~

The slave is beyond the last level of the submissive. The slave vacates limits. To be a slave is to offer of self fully and without reservation. From my perspective very few individuals fall into this category. Those that do, that I know personally are generally with their Dominant for a very long period of time. Trust has been long ago established, limits and range discovered and a relationship of personal strength has emerged which allows the submissive to transcend to this level. This is a level without safewords, without limits. The slave lives with their Dominant on a full-time basis and may or may not have a life external of serving their mate. The slave generally selects a Dominant with parallel limits. By this I mean that the final action of trust is the vacating of set limits. In order to do this the individual must fundamentally know that their partner shares the same ‘natural’ or ‘inviolate’ limits as they do. A Dominant has limits just like a submissive. That which falls within their natural range and desire is their arena.

Many people use the term ‘slave’ interchangeably with submissive. I myself enjoy calling my sub’s ‘slaves’ because it thrills them. However, I know in truth that they are not slaves, they fall within the field of the submissive. A submissive without choice (limit’s – safewords) becomes a slave. They have passed that final threshold of personal trust.

One final thing to really confuse things. I have a category which I call the ‘Authentic Submissive’, I also call these persons ‘full out or true Submissives’. This is the submissive who is auto responsive. When in top space they can and may appear to be at any level of the submissive listed above. Upon entering sub-space they lose the ability to do anything but obey. This is an automatic response. They are unable to control the response. It has been my lifelong opinion that these submissives are the ‘natural slaves’, they have a capacity and range far exceeding the non-auto-responsive submissive. By the way, when I find one of these quite rare authentic submissives, I am instinctively very protective of them. They are the most vulnerable members of this community.

Ok, to address a few more misconceptions. There is sometimes rampant discussion on the “who is real” question. Any person who states that they are submissive, switch or Dominant should be taken at their word until through action, word or deed they demonstrate otherwise. Respect is not given by virtue of having any aspect but is earned or inspired by consistent action, word or deed. The amount, number, placement, design of brandings, piercings, tattoo’s etc. can but do not necessarily identify any individual by virtue of in community status. These ornamentation’s are used across the entirety of the community and can be seen upon any individual regardless of Dominant or submissive status.

The easiest way to discover a person’s placement within the community, be it through gender, sexual orientation, top, bottom, sideways etc… is to politely ask them. You can simply say, “What way would you prefer to be addressed?” This offers the individual the choice to tell you what they prefer so that you will not appear discourteous. By the way…courtesy is the key. You are not required to respect any unknown person. You are required to use common courtesy. Additionally, there is no right or wrong to being or believing yourself to be anything. It is not better to be one thing or the other and people should not be discriminated against for those choices they make. I offer common respect to all persons until and unless they take an action that I find disrespectful. At that point I generally elect to have no further converse with them.

One final note. There is what is loosely called a ‘submissive network’. This network is a system which has existed probably since the origination of the SSC credo (safe, sane and consensual), wherein submissives within a community share information. This becomes important if you are a new person. A Dominant is only as good as the reputation they maintain within their local community. There are persons within this community who use the label Dominant, Top and even Sadist to cover their activities of non-consensual abuse. If you encounter someone who is abusive or breaks the SSC credo. Identify them in their local community. This is in real life. If you are a Dominant and you encounter a submissive who is unbalanced (mentally), by this I mean erratic, violent, abusive…share this information as neutrally as possible with the other Dominant’s in your locale who may encounter this submissive. There are some persons who call themselves submissive who will turn after a scene and accuse the Dominant of abuse. Generally they have not dealt with prior, long-term or life-long experiences with abuse. You are not required to medically diagnose, just be open and honest. Submissives also live by their local reputation. When encountering or beginning a new relationship be honest about any occurrences which may reflect poorly on your reputation. Establishment of trust requires this. A Dominant may be accused of abuse and a submissive accused of being cracked or insane without substantiation. Imput the information and take the time to get to know the individual before making a judgment!

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 15, 2016 08:24

Weekend Giveaway: 3 Month Membership to Kink Academy (1 Winner)

I am a huge fan of Kink Academy. It’s an amazing site full of educational kink videos and for people like me, who can’t get out to all the conventions she wants, this is THE next best thing. Princess Kali founded the site and is offering 3 months of free membership for this giveaway. That’s 3 months access to over 1400 videos and blog posts from over 125 educators! If you still need convincing that this is an amazing site that deserves your patronage, check out the free clips!

If you’ve ever wondered if the information you are reading on the net or in books will really help you understand the kinky activities you want to try, then I certainly recommend the next best thing – videos. Kink Academy has been around for years and has tons of videos on their site by BDSM and Sex-positive educators all over the world. You can create your own curriculum or follow and education path that they have established. The best thing is that the videos are in bite sized pieces so you aren’t sitting in front of the computer for an hour. Five to 10 minute videos are more common which leaves you time to go try out your newly learned skills!

Kink Academy is a comprehensive library of sex-ed videos for adventurous, consenting adults. Whether you’re new to kink or an experienced player, there’s something for everyone to learn on KinkAcademy.com.

Make sure to show Kink Academy some love and check out their website, FetLife, Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter.

Would you like to win 3 months of membership to Kink Academy? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, July 17th at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

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Ask the Readers – In Poly, do all partners have other partners?

Dear lunaKM,

I am researching the poly lifestyle. I am looking for opinions on whether or not poly means both sides of the slash should be able to have other partners. Is there any iron clad rule about that? Thank you.

There is no iron clad rule about any relationship style. If the partners all agree to have or explore other relationships then they will likely have other partners. Not all poly relationships have that structure. I am monogamous and my partner is poly, so I don’t have other partners. But, I don’t consider myself knowledgeable enough about poly to answer fully, so I’m going to open this discussion up to my readers.

What do you say? Can you answer this reader’s question? How do you negotiate partner in poly?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 13, 2016 07:00

Dealing with Guilt as a Submissive

Not that long ago, contributing writer andyiccee wrote an article about guilt. It’s a great topic, one I would never have thought of myself, but it is something that everyone deals with. Like most feelings a s-type has in a power exchange relationship, guilt is one of those not so great feelings that can be magnified and make us be a lot harder on ourselves than we really need to be. Since andyiccee shared her opinion on how to deal with guilt, I want to share mine so readers can get another perspective on the topic.

In my opinion, channeling guilt isn’t exactly dealing with guilt. Channeling any kind of feelings into an activity, whether that be cleaning, exercising, or even binge eating, is a band aid approach to dealing with how you’re feeling. It’s a quick, temporary fix that does nothing to fix the problem. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been guilty of using this method to deal with pent up frustrations or anxiety or with dealing with my own guilt. Yeah, you do feel better afterwards, but you’ve not gotten to the root of the problem.

Like andyiccee, I used to feel guilty for things that were completely out of my control. Heck, there’s no point in lying because this is something I still struggle with. It’s not as bad as it once was but it’s still there lurking in the back of my mind, making an appearance when certain situations happen. Dealing with guilt is one of those things that is a lot easier said than done.

When it comes to dealing with guilt, you have to talk about it. You can’t just shove it somewhere deep inside and expect that to take care of everything. Neither can you throw yourself into an activity and consider it done. You have to talk it out with the person, no matter how difficult that may be. Talking it out can help you realize why you feel guilty and what can be done to help you not have feelings of guilt in the future. While it is extremely important to keep an open line of communication open with your dominant, sometimes you need your BFFs to talk to. I am very lucky to have four extremely awesome BFFs that I can talk to when I’m feeling guilty about things. It’s nice because they’re not directly involved with the situation and can offer me a different point of view that I couldn’t see myself because I was directly involved . I don’t know how many times I have had conversations with all of them and have felt better about a situation because of their advice and support, not to mention a virtual ass kicking if necessary. Because hey, we all need an ass kicking from time to time.

You also have to realize that you’re human and that you are going to make mistakes and that you are going to accidentally do or say something that’s going to hurt others. When this happens, you need to apologize for what was said or done. With this, the other person may or may not accept your apology and this is something you have to deal with. If they don’t accept your apology, this will probably make you feel guiltier, but you need to be able to say to yourself that you did what YOU could do to make the situation better and walk away from it. You can not hold yourself responsible for other people’s behaviors.

And speaking of other people’s behaviors….sometimes that guilt you’re feeling isn’t yours at all. People tend to use guilt trips to manipulate people into a situation that the person really doesn’t want to be in at all. If someone knows you’re prone to feeling guilty, they will purposely make you feel guilty to do their bidding. This is where you need to take a moment and step back and think about where the guilt is coming from. Is it really your guilt or is someone putting unnecessary guilt on you?

Guilt also stifles growth. I came across this in an article on Elephant Journal, and towards the end, there’s a line: “Guilt is a stifling, self-inflicted feeling we endure, embrace, cultivate and allow to control our lives” and that is exactly what guilt does. We start second guessing what we’re doing because we are so consumed with making sure that our decisions don’t make us feel guilty about what we are or aren’t doing or how we’re spending our time. This is something I do struggle with as well. That 5 euros I spent for a cup of coffee at Starbucks, it could have been put towards groceries or into The Snowman(that’s my bank), that I could be spending that 5 euros in a better way than on ONE CUP OF COFFEE. But you know what? There’s food in the fridge. My snowman isn’t going to know the difference whether the money went into him or a cash register at Starbucks or if I throw that 5 euros in the next month. I shouldn’t let guilt stop me from doing a little something for myself.

Also, not only do we feel guilty about things that happened, but there are times when we feel guilty for the things we like and don’t like. This is something that isn’t always obvious. It’s something I struggle with from time to time. A perfect example: Daddy loves games that take place in space. One of His current favorites is Space Engineer, where you build your own spaceship. I have zero interest in that. Personally, the only building I’m interested in doing is with Lego blocks. He usually has to play the game alone, which we know, is always more fun when played with others. So on occasion He’ll ask me if I’m really, really sure about not wanting to join Him. I nod my head yes but on the inside I feel bad. I feel guilty because I know how much Daddy loves this game and He wants to share it with me(I’m the same way with movies and TV shows.If it’s something I really love I want to share it with Him and that’s totally normal). I know if I tell Him yes and do play with Him, I’m gonna be bored out of my mind because my heart isn’t in it. I have no interest and while I may be able to fake interest for a while, it’ll eventually show that I was lying. Then, well for me anyway, the passive aggressive feelings start to build up inside, and then I’m watching the clock and coming up with some reason so I can escape. Daddy then realizes how so not into the game I am and nobody has a good time. When I start feeling this way (because my interests aren’t the same as Daddy’s,) I have to remind myself that it’s okay that I don’t like everything He does and I don’t have to like everything He does. I’m allowed to be my own person and that includes having my own set of likes and dislikes. Also, I have no reason to feel guilty because I have done nothing wrong!

Guilt is a complicated feeling. It’s also a very icky feeling to have, but like all other feelings, it’s going to be something we have to deal with over and over again. Guilt isn’t always a bad feeling either. It’s good to feel guilty sometimes. I’m not talking about those guilty indulgences such as a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or watching an entire season of a TV show in a short period of time. Guilt helps to remind us that we’re good people, that we care about and love other people and don’t want to hurt them. If you don’t feel guilt about certain things you do, then well…I don’t exactly consider that a good thing. I don’t know of any way to completely stop feeling guilt or know of anyone who has done this. I’m sure if someone had they’d be on the Internet selling their secret to the rest of the world. Until that happens, you gotta deal with it. Okay, you don’t have to, but you’ll be better off and a lot happier if you do.

If you’re interested in reading about more ways to deal with guilt, here are some articles that I’ve found.

Five Tips for Dealing with Guilt

Self Forgiveness and Overcoming Guilt

Five Things You Can Learn from Guilt

How To Handle Your Guilt

Why Guilt is is a Useless Emotion

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 12, 2016 07:00