Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 30

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

I’m watching Maximus, my eldest tabby, wind down and get sicker every week. He was diagnosed with Kidney Disease two years ago and while I know he’s old and time is short anyway, I feel cheated that chronic illness is taking him sooner. He’s started to refuse some meals, is losing even more weight and he’s a lot slower and less interested in life. His KD symptoms are getting worse too. He’s not quite ready yet, that I can tell and his “brothers” are still nuzzling him (cats often shun dying companions).

I’ve been through pet death before and that dread of the end is already impacting me.

Let’s move on to what’s going on here!

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

[Video Post] Adding Rules in a D/s (or M/s) Relationship
Reacting to Change in D/s Dynamics by kallista

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where we help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask Submissive Guide: Partner Hanging On to an Old Relationship

I, and my two female subs, are involved with a sub woman who lives two hours away. She drives up to see us twice a week, on her days off. She really enjoys being with us, and I’d like to collar her.

The problem is that she refuses to tell her current “Dom” Who lives in Fla, and essentially visits her twice a year (he calls & emails her daily). She has reported that he has lied to her numerous times, from his marriage status to being with many other women. She has been with him for 16 years, and he never established a safe word with her (she was ignorant of the very idea, until we introduced it to her). She is very leery of change, and just can’t give him up. Any thoughts?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Learning to Love Public Play

Sigh. Public play.

If you’re not an exhibitionist, an extrovert, a million percent happy with every square inch of your body (who is??), and up for scrutiny in general, this can be veeeery daunting.

So let’s help each other out.

If you enjoy public play, share your stories and secrets here. Have you always been comfortable? What makes it easier? Tips?

If you want to try it out and are struggling to get there, share your struggle. What is the root of the dislike? Do you feel like you’re somehow disappointing your partner? Do you want to but don’t know how to “jump in?”

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: Submissive Fantasy vs Submissive Reality by Rife
In 2014: You Can Not Make Someone Be a Dominant
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – I Beg Your Mercy Please!
In 2012: Submissive Speech 7: Polite Interruptions
In 2011: The Return of a Collar by Laney

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What would you do differently if your owner told you s/he had one year to live?
If I have been of service, if I have glimpsed more of the nature and essence of ultimate good, if I am inspired to reach wider horizons of thought and action, if I am at peace with myself, it has been a successful day. — Alex Noble
“In your pursuit of your passions, always be young. In your relationship with others, always be grown-up.” – Tom Brokaw What does this quote mean to you?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – KinkyCast

Episode #115 – April 15, 2016 – Manik Monk & Johnny Thrash

15 Apr 2016, 10:20am GMT

→ KinkyCast

Remember Johnny Thrash from a few weeks back? He mentioned the he was going to introduce us to his friends, wait no longer! This week we meet Manik Monk. We learn why he is manik and a monk. Woody & the Beast host these two wild men from Canada in a wild ride through kingdom. Join us and these two 30 somethings for some insights that are truly fascinating.

MP3 audio (17MB, 45min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on April 17, 2016 10:00

Ask Submissive Guide: Partner Hanging On to an Old Relationship

Hi Submissive Guide,

I, and my two female subs, are involved with a sub woman who lives two hours away. She drives up to see us twice a week, on her days off. She really enjoys being with us, and I’d like to collar her.

The problem is that she refuses to tell her current “Dom” Who lives in Fla, and essentially visits her twice a year (he calls & emails her daily). She has reported that he has lied to her numerous times, from his marriage status to being with many other women. She has been with him for 16 years, and he never established a safe word with her (she was ignorant of the very idea, until we introduced it to her). She is very leery of change, and just can’t give him up. Any thoughts?

Hello to you and this sounds like quite a complicated problem!

In the start this looks like a poly problem, dealing with your other partner’s partners. It brings up a whole mess of questions that you need to ask of your partners and relationships.

I hear a whole lot of, “she says…” She has reported his being a liar. She has stated that he never gave her a safe word. She says…

Have you personally, as a potential partner or potential Dominant, communicated at all with her partner of sixteen years? What is his story? Ever hear of the three sides of a story? Her side, his side, and the truth. I encourage anybody who is ethically non-monogamous to be able and willing to have open and honest conversation with not just their partners, but their partner’s partners as well.

This woman is new to you. She has been with her other partner for years. Is she being honest with him? With you? With herself? Is this ethical non-monogamy or is it just possible that she is bored or dissatisfied or getting a thrill from something new and exciting?

Maybe they didn’t need a safe word because they were vanilla for most of the relationship. Maybe she lied to him too. Maybe she is not leery of change but wants her cake and to eat it too.

And while this started as a poly conundrum, it ends up being a Power Exchange one. Ask yourself:

Do you really want to collar a woman who is otherwise obligated to another Dominant? And if you do, do you want to do so without having a respectful dialogue with that other Dominant, be it in person, on the phone, in an email?

It is very difficult to lead somebody. Exponentially so when she answers to another. Impossible when you don’t really know what is going on in her head and heart and other relationship.

Good luck and be well.

Kind Regards,

Mrs. Darling

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on April 13, 2016 07:00

Reacting to Change in D/s Dynamics

I just don’t feel very dedicated to being submissive. I uttered the admittance with a growing sense of disappointment in myself. I want to, but I just don’t feel it

It was during the Easter holiday, over Skype chat. My Dom was at work, and I knew it was unfair to tell her at that particular moment, but it had eaten at me for about a week and some by that point, and I knew if I didn’t say it now, while she was definitely awake, I ran the risk of her not being very talkative when she got home from work. And I needed to talk.

I don’t know why, I continued. It’s just not satisfying right now.

I’d thought, with some measure of chagrin, that maybe that entire aspect of our relationship had been a passing phase, that I was bored with it because I’d grown out of it, and while I knew that our relationship hadn’t evolved around that and would probably be fine without it, I also knew that it was one of the reasons we’d become so close and maintained such a strong connection even though there was an ocean between us. I didn’t want to be bored with submitting. I didn’t want it to be a phase. I just wanted to feel that satisfaction of being a good girl for my Dom on a daily basis again.

That alone was a good indicator that getting rid of the D/s aspect of our relationship wasn’t what I was interested in doing, even though I was saying that I didn’t feel submissive and hadn’t felt submissive for a while.

My Dom’s response was to have me reflect for a few days on what was working and what wasn’t, and then to report. So, true to form, I scribbled a long, long reflection in my journal, sat on it for about a day and a half, reread it, modified it, and then sent it to my Dom for her to read. She took a good deal of what I said into consideration, and made some changes to how we interacted, which helped make me feel better and more satisfied.

Sometimes, the dynamics of relationships need to be evaluated and realigned. This is a natural, healthy part of multiple people making commitments to each other, and it’s an important process which I think should not be ignored. For people involved in Dominant/submissive relationships, however, this can be a daunting prospect. Although at its core, a D/s relationship is not substantially different from a mainstream or vanilla relationship, the D/s dynamic adds layers to what can already be considered a confusing matter. Not only does one have to grapple with the emotional aspect of the relationship, but also (possibly) with rules about presentation and communication within the relationship.

Due to the often misinterpreted nature of the D/s dynamic, feeling discontent with certain aspects of a relationship might mistakenly translate to a desire to quit the scene or as general apathy. Sometimes, that can be the case, but most of the time, as with anything, it might just mean that you’re ready to explore new aspects of submission, new interests, conquer limits, or what have you. The same logic applies to pretty much every other aspect of life. If you eat the same thing at the same restaurant every day, you’re eventually going to get bored with the atmosphere. If you read the same book, you’ll cease to be tantalized by the plot. By expressing yourself, you allow yourself to discover new possibilities, or rediscover old traditions that died out as other aspects of your relationship takes precedence.

Accepting change in any aspect of our lives can be a bit daunting, possibly even scary, but having to accept a change in the most intimate interactions we have with the people that we feel closest to can be outright terrifying. It’s important that we all take a few moments to think about how we react to change when we’re confronted by it.

Do you welcome change? Do you shy away from it? How does adapting to changing interests and your growth as an individual fit into your D/s relationship? Let me know in the comments below.

Until next time,

Kallista

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on April 12, 2016 07:00

[Video Post] Adding Rules in a D/s (or M/s) Relationship

Disclaimer: I’m well aware that some relationships do not have rules for the submissive/slave to follow. This talk will be about the relationships that use rules and task lists for submissive behavior and expectation.

Many D/s relationships start by establishing a few ground rules for the submissive to follow. It is one of the more simple ways to establish authority and control over a submissive in a relationship. For most relationships that use rules, they also help direct the dynamic in the direction that the couple wishes to go; be that a high protocol M/s relationship or a laid back playful relaxed D/s. Nothing is right or wrong when it comes to tailoring your own relationship to get what you want and need from each other within it. When KnyghtMare and I first started out as an online only, long distance relationship, rules were a way of feeling connected to him and for him to assert some control over me. Of course that has evolved greatly over time and now that we have lived together for over 10 years the rules that I once had have evolved with us. Rules are a part of my submission to him and how I can learn to tailor my behavior into what he would like for me to become. Rules and lists of rules don’t work for everyone, but when they do, they can allow a couple to fine tune their relationship in many ways.

Often one of the first rule has to do with orgasms and it’s not uncommon to also have a rule about how to address the Dominant. I know it was the case for me. I also had rules for body hair care, presentation (how I dressed) and that I journal for him. Many of these same rules are in effect now, but have become habits that formed from regular obedience and repetition. I have even more rules now than I did then, since it’s hard to control much when you are 3,000 miles away and a lot of it was based on trust and my yearning to please him. I am a slave that will always have more rules than, “obey” but in all truth, that’s the premise of all rules, is it not?

Structured and Relaxed Dynamics

There are two types of relationship structures I’m going to talk about today. One is the structured dynamic and the other is relaxed.

A structured dynamic is the type that will want to apply the majority of rules and behavior adjustments. They often come with a standing directive, a list of rules you must memorize and obey. Structured dynamics function well for submissives who need to know what they are doing every moment of the day or prefer a micromanaged life.Structured dynamics also might enjoy using protocol and ritual to enhance the structure of their daily dynamic even further.

Relaxed dynamics are no less valid, but often will have a blanket “obey” rule and that additional direction is given on a regular or continuous basis. These submissives do well with on the fly directions, spontaneous changes to their order and prefer to be given simple instructions that they can find what method suits them to achieve it. Neither is better than the other, they are simply two styles of D/s (and not the only styles, might I add).

The Selection of Rules

When you decide that your relationship would like to have rules, it is often the Dominant who makes the selection, they are, after all, in charge. So they will want to mold you in a way that pleases them and hopefully benefits you in some way.

Take a moment and think about your perfect relationship. Remember to keep fantasy and reality in check. Close your eyes and imagine what it might look like, from the moment you get up to the moment you sleep. What details about it please you? Do you have your breakfast ready for you when you get up or do you wake with your partner pleasuring you? Who does the cleaning and housework? How are you addressed? What are you both wearing? The questions can go on and on, but the key here is to pay attention and make note of everything; because you’ll start making rules that can work towards your perfect dynamic.

Once you have some ideas, it’s time to talk with your partner. Submissives and slaves all have ideas of what they might like to work on to improve themselves and have probably dreamed of their perfect relationship too. So listen to the suggestions they have before you solidify those first rules. I know I’ve come up with some of my own rules that have improved the structure of my relationship with KnyghtMare tremendously.

Another way to come up with ideas, if you feel stumped and just must have a rule list, try searching the internet for submissive and slave rule lists. Like myself, many post their current list online. I don’t recommend copying someone else’s list, unless you really think that all the things on it will benefit you personally but it’s a good jumping off point for sparking some ideas.

Incorporating New Rules

Adding rules to a dynamic, whether for the first time or continuing a list is not easy. Whenever KnyghtMare adds a new rule, which is usually when he’s discarded an old one, I get a breaking in period where we both adjust to it. He’s got to learn them just as well as I do so that he knows if and when I’m actually performing my duties as requested. It’s an often forgotten requirement in structured relationships. The Dominant has far more work than one realizes.

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

I’m all about Game of Thrones coming back for another season right now. I’m binge watching the previous seasons, watching theory vids on YouTube and gobbling up every tiny hint or teaser that comes out. I think I’m so interested this season is because it’s beyond the books, which I’ve read, so its “new” content. I realize that it can and will be different than the written version (If GRRM ever writes it) but that’s okay with me. I just want to know how it ends! Who gets the Iron Throne? If Jon Snow is dead, and they burn him, will he not burn (since he’s a Targaryen)? Will the Lord of Light resurrect him and he’ll forsake his birth name to be Azor Ahai? Will Aria become an assassin? Sansa and Theon escape, but what happens next? Oh so much excitement!!

Another week has gone by so that means another summary!

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!

Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Everything You Need to Know to Have an Amazing Anal Sex Experience
Book Review: Spanking for Lovers by Janet Hardy by tequilarose
Sample Consensual “Slavery” Contract

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask Submissive Guide: Learning How To Trust Your Dominant Partner Again

My Dominant and I have recently reconnected and are feeling out a new, healthier format for our relationship. However, he confessed to being unfaithful to me when we were together before (out of a fear of intimacy, which he is working on). I would really like to try to make this work, but I’m struggling to submit to him knowing that he violated my trust in the past. How can we work to rebuild trust in our relationship so that the dynamic can function properly?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Submissive/Slave

Let’s talk it out. There are a lot of different ideas about what exactly constitutes being a submissive or being a slave. How do you personally distinguish these?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: What is a Fetish? by Mistress Steel
In 2014: Self-Esteem in Submissives: Self-Talk, Affirmations and Self-Love by Author Unknown
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Help me find a mentor!
In 2012: Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner: Part 2- My Partner is Not Interested by ted_subby
In 2011: When He Removes The Collar: The 3 R’s to Get You Back on Your Feet

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What sexual behavior won’t you do or would do only under certain conditions? Write about those to clarify your boundaries.
Do you trust your gut instinct? How often do you follow instinct or emotion, over what your logic is telling you?
Would you serve someone who’s morals and ethics did not match your own in all areas?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Graydancer’s Ropecast
“Consent Incidents Anonymous”-A Good Idea?

3 Apr 2016, 4:16pm GMT

→ Graydancer’s Ropecast

Back in a previous episode with Tifereth the idea of “Consent Incidents Anonymous” was brought up – using the AA model to create places where the consent discussion could be more constructively developed. This interview is with a member of AA, called “Cat”, and she and Gray explore where the ideas overlap, diverge, and what the community can learn from the AA methodology. This podcast is made possible by KarmaRope.com ! You should let them know you appreciate their support of this podcast by buying their stuff – at “Pay What You Can” prices. You can also support the podcast directly by signing up to be a patron at http://patreon.com/ropecast .

MP3 audio (59MB, 65min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on April 10, 2016 10:00

Sample Consensual “Slavery” Contract

Author Unknown

NOTE: It should go without saying that a “contract” such as this is not legally binding. Documents such as these are intended only to provide a fantasy environment for extended role-playing or to establish a D/s or M/s relationship. They are also not obligatory and one should not expect to have to sign a contract to enter into a D/s relationship. This is tool for communication.

1.0.0 Slave’s Role

The slave agrees to submit completely to the master in all ways. There are no boundaries of place, time, or situation in which the slave may willfully refuse to obey the directive of the master without risking punishment, except in situations where the slave’s veto (see section 1.0.1) applies. The slave also agrees that, once entered into the Slavery Contract, their body belongs to their master ,, to be used as seen fit, within the guidelines defined herein. All of the slave’s possessions likewise belong to the master , including all assets, finances, and material goods, to do with as they see fit. The slave agrees to please the master to the best of their ability, in that they now exist solely for the pleasure of said master .

1.0.1 Slave’s Veto

The slave, where appropriate, holds veto power over any command given by the master , at which time they may rightfully refuse to obey that command. This power may only be invoked under the following circumstances, or where agreed by both master and slave:

Where said command conflicts with any existing laws and may lead to fines, arrest, or prosecution of the slave .
Where said command may cause extreme damage to slave’s life, such as losing their job, causing family stress, etc.
Where said command may cause permanent bodily harm (see 4.0.0) to the slave .
Where said command may cause psychological trauma to the slave, such as a rape scene for a slave that has been raped in the past.

2.0.0 Master’s Role

The master accepts the responsibility of the slave’s body and worldly possessions, to do with as they see fit, under the provisions determined in this contract. The master agrees to care for the slave , to arrange for the safety and well-being o f the slave , as long as they own the slave . The master also accepts the committment to treat the slave properly, to train the slave, punish the slave, love the slave, and use the slave as they see fit.

3.0.0 Punishment

The slave agrees to accept any punishment the master decides to inflict, whether earned or not.

3.0.1 Rules of Punishment

Punishment of the slave is subject to certain rules designed to protect the slave from intentional abuse or permanent bodily harm (see 4.0.0). Punishment must not incur permanent bodily harm, or the following forms of abuse:

Blood may not be drawn at any time. Punishment must stop immediately if blood is drawn
Burning the body
Drastic loss of circulation
Causing internal bleeding
Loss of consciousness
Withholding of any necessary materials, such as food, water, or sunlight for extended periods of time

4.0.0 Permanent Bodily Harm

Since the body of the slave now belongs to the master , it is the master’s responsibility to protect that body from permanent bodily harm. Should the slave ever come to permanent bodily harm during the course of punishment or in any other slavery related activity, whether by intention or accident, it will be grounds for immediate termination of this contract, should the slave so desire. Permanent bodily harm shall be determined as:

Death
Any damage that involves loss of mobility or function, including broken bones.
Any permanent marks on the skin, including scars, burns, or tattoos, unless accepted by the slave .
Any loss of hair, unless accepted by the slave .
Any piercing of the flesh which leaves a permanent hole, unless accepted by the slave .
Any diseases that could result in any of the above results, including sexually transmitted diseases.

5.0.0 Others

The slave may not seek any other master or lover or relate to others in any sexual or submissive way without the master’s permission. To do so will be considered a breach of contract, and will result in extreme punishment. The master may accept other slaves or lovers, but must consider the slave’s emotional response to such actions and act accordingly. Under no circumstance should the master allow such actions to unbalance the slave emotionally, or allow such actions to result in ignoring the slave .

The master may give the slave to other masters, provided the rules of this contract are upheld. In such a situation, the master will inform the new master of the provisions stated herein, and any breach by the new master will be considered a breach by the master as well, subject to all rules stated in this contract.

6.0.0 Secrecy

All physical evidence of the slavery will be kept in total secrecy, except where both master and slave agree. Any violation of this clause shall be cause to terminate this contract, should the injured party wish it. The materials and physical evidence shall be kept under lock and key in a place acceptable to both parties.

7.0.0 Alteration of Contract

This contract may not be altered, except when both master and slave agree. If the contract is altered, the new contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old contract must be destroyed.

8.0.0 Termination of Contract

This contract may be terminated at any time by the master , but never by the slave, except under special conditions explained within this contract. Upon termination, all physical evidence of the slavery, including this contract, will be destroyed, and all materials and belongings shall belong to the master , to be shared or kept as they see fit. The slave , owning nothing and having agreed to give up all worldly possessions and body to the master , shall once again own their body, but nothing else, unless the master decides to give back their possessions.

9.0.0 Slave’s Signature

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to give everything I own to my master, and further accept their claim of ownership over my physical body. I understand tha I will be commanded and trained and punished as a slave, and I promise to be true and to fulfill the pleasures and desires of my master to the best of my abilities. I understand that I cannot withdraw from this contract except as stated in this contract.

Signature:____________

9.0.1 Master’s Signature

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this slave as my property, body and possessions, and to care for them to the best of my ability. I shall provide for their security and well-being and command them, train them, and punish them as a slave. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to the slave as long as they are mine. I further understand that I can withdraw from this contract at any time.

Signature:____________

Ask Submissive Guide: Learning How To Trust Your Dominant Partner Again

Thank you Kayla Lords for answering this reader’s question!

Dear Submissive Guide,

My Dominant and I have recently reconnected and are feeling out a new, healthier format for our relationship. However, he confessed to being unfaithful to me when we were together before (out of a fear of intimacy, which he is working on). I would really like to try to make this work, but I’m struggling to submit to him knowing that he violated my trust in the past. How can we work to rebuild trust in our relationship so that the dynamic can function properly?

Sincerely,
Really Wants to Trust Again

Hi there, Really Wants to Trust Again! Thank you for your question, and I really wish I could give you a quick, easy answer.

Submission without trust is nearly impossible for many of us. How do we know that person will take care of us, treat us well, and respect our feelings, limits, and wants if we can’t trust them? You may have to consider putting some of your D/s activities on hold while you work on the rebuilding your trust in him. It doesn’t mean you have to stop completely, but you may want to start off with small activities and work up to bigger things until you’re more comfortable.

A few factors go into building trust: honesty, communication, and consistency. Rebuilding trust is much more difficult because you also have to deal with any feelings of betrayal you may still have.

The best thing to do is to be open and honest with how you feel – good or bad. While you don’t want to discuss the topic until you’re both sick of it, you also need to feel like you can tell your Dominant how something makes you feel, especially if he’s doing something that reminds you of how things were before.

At the same time, you need to listen and watch. Do his actions match his words? Does he become defensive or angry when you discuss how something makes you feel? Is he sharing his own feelings about this situation with you?

When someone wants to rebuild trust with you, they go out of their way to make sure you never have to question or doubt them. While it may be difficult to do, he will need to be honest with you about how he feels and how your concerns make him feel.

Talking something through isn’t a magic cure for everything wrong in a relationship, but it can alleviate a lot of problems. Being consistent in word and deed can take things even further. Keep your eyes and ears open, and decide for yourself if you can forgive and move forward. And don’t feel like you have to rush back into your D/s dynamic right now. It’s okay to start off slowly and let the submission come after the trust returns.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on April 06, 2016 07:00

Book Review: Spanking for Lovers by Janet Hardy

A couple of weeks on Facebook, Janet Hardy (co-author of several amazing books including The Ethical Slut and The New Bottoming Book), asked for people who are interested in reviewing her new book, Spanking for Lovers and I had a total fangirl moment. I swear, if it had been in person, I would have been bouncing in my seat, with my arm raised, going “ME ME ME!!!!”. Luckily for her, it wasn’t in person and I just had to ask via email. I can’t tell you the excitement I had when I checked my email and saw a copy for me to read and review. I couldn’t help my excitement because Janet Hardy is just full of valuable information and everything I have read by her, is just amazing. Spanking for Lovers is no different from her previous books.

While it’s not a very big book, for individuals who are interested in spanking-the ones being spanked, the ones doing the spanking, or someone who’s just starting to test the waters of the world of spanking, then this is a book you definitely need to have in your library.

Hardy covers topics such as the reasons why people enjoy spankings, the different parts of a scene, types of spanking relationships and several other topics as well as filled with great illustrations that show different positions and diagrams, and fantastic resources as how to find other individuals who are interested in spanking, special notes on caning(a favorite of Hardy’s), and other books and groups to check out.

There is a lot in this book that I liked. For starters, I learned quite a bit. Something she pointed out, and I did already know but had forgotten is that not everyone who is into spanking(whether the top or the bottom)is into BDSM. A lot of people lump spanking and BDSM hand in hand because a lot of people who participate in power exchange relationships, spanking is usually involved, either as a form of play or punishment. While this may be the case for most power exchange relationships, it’s not always the case. There are people who enjoy being spanked and enjoy spanking just for the sake of spanking. She also mentions the place spanking has in domestic discipline relationships, which is something else most people don’t think of either.

She also goes into great detail about the safe places to spank and what kind of implements will leave what kind of marks and other possible physical injuries one could possibly suffer from while being spanked. A lot of people(including myself), think this kind of information is only needed to be known by the person who is doing the spanking, but honestly, this is information that the spankee needs to be aware of as well. Reading about all of this made me think about what is happening to my body and made me a more educated spankee.

Another thing that I love about Spanking for Lovers is the casual, friendly tone that Hardy has set. I’ve read a couple of non-fiction BDSM books where I have felt that the author is talking down to the reader and I don’t like authors who have a tone of “I know better than you”, but you will not find this at all. While I was reading, I felt like I was having a conversation with a long time friend. Also throughout the books, you’ll see arrows that point to side comments explaining certain terms(so if you’re completely new and know nothing, no need to fear because things are explained), quotes from other books about spanking, or little tidbits from the author herself about personal experiences. In my opinion, these little side notes added a lot of personality to the book.

Like I said before, if you’re interested in spanking, whether as just a spanko or as part of a power exchange relationship, this is a great book for all parties involved to check out. Janet Hardy knows her stuff and you can tell that her knowledge is from years of experience on both sides of the paddle.

You can purchase a copy of Spanking for Lovers in paperback on Amazon today.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on April 05, 2016 07:00

Everything You Need to Know to Have an Amazing Anal Sex Experience

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 1-9-16

Maybe you’ve been asked to learn about anal training or perhaps you are interested in exploring anal sex yourself. Maybe you are really nervous and want to learn more before taking the plunge. Or maybe anal sex is already a part of your sex routine and you want to learn some tips to make it hotter. Or maybe you are just curious what all the interest is to begin with. Whether you are an anal virgin or a die-hard fan, you’ll want to keep reading to get answers to all your butt sex questions.

Anal sex and anal play are one of the more common requests of submissives by Dominants. I’m not surprised at the number of requests for help and information about how to proceed. But have no fear, anal play doesn’t have to be scary!

What is anal sex?
Anal Intercourse – Anal intercourse is sexual activity that involves insertion of the penis or a sex toy into the anus.
Rimming – “Rimming” is a slang expression that refers to oral stimulation of the anus. The official term for this is analingus.
Manual Stimulation – Manual stimulation can include rubbing the anus externally or insertion of a finger(s) – one’s own or a partner’s – into the anal opening and gently rotated.
Fisting – “Fisting” is a form of anal sex in which several fingers or even the entire hand and forearm are inserted into the rectum and sometimes into the lower colon.

Is it gross?

One of the biggest misconceptions about anal sex is that it’s messy, smelly and painful. Sure, it’s possible that for some of you it may be true. But you should know that anal sex can be erotic, exciting and a path to fantastic orgasms. If you prepare ahead of time, it’s not more gross or messy than any other form of sex.

Isn’t there poop in there?

The main function of the rectum is to act as a passageway for feces. But feces are not stored in the rectum normally except just prior to a bowel movement. Small amounts may remain, especially if it is not well-formed. Eating enough fiber and avoiding anal play just after spicy foods and foods that cause gas can help prevent possible embarrassment. If the possibility makes you uncomfortable, you can do an anal douche to clean yourself out a few hours before sex occurs.

Does it hurt?

Pain is common, especially in the beginning but it definitely doesn’t have to hurt. There are ways to make it feel good and not painful. Relaxation and arousal will help reduce the pain and feel good for both parties. Most women who enjoy anal play report uncomfortable pressure instead of pain at the start of anal sex and then the pressure subsides into a sense of fullness. If you feel penetration is painful the back up and go back to foreplay. Then once you are excited you can return to anal play. Try initiating anal play after you’ve edged to orgasm at least once, it will help your body relax and you’ll feel the nerve bundles in the anus ignite when touched.

Is it clean?

Proper hygiene should be taken into account of course. With daily hygiene, the anus is as clean as other parts of the body. Slipping a soapy finger inside while you shower is another good way to cleanse the area. Just go light on the soap as it can be irritating to your insides. Men who are into anal sex know there’s a chance that traces of poop may be involved and it’s not deterring them. Don’t let a case of the what-if’s stop you from a good time.

Can I get an STI? Can I get pregnant?

Yes, men and women can contract an Sexually Transmitted Infection from anal sex. That’s why condoms are necessary to reduce the risk of infection. Also, do not insert the penis or sex toy into your mouth or vagina that has been in the anus until it has had the condom replaced or clean the toy in between.

You can also get pregnant from anal sex. Any semen that leaks from the anus can make its way into the vagina.

Related: The 6 Most Common STDs

Try Solo Play First

Your sphincter muscles are the key to anal health and also to pleasure. You need to become familiar with their functioning and learn to exercise control over them. When your showering or masturbating, try touching the anal ring and sliding a lubed finger inside. Allow your sphincter muscles to clench and release. This will help you discover what it feels like back there.

Use Lube

The rectum does not produce its own lube like your vagina does. So you need to bring your own to the party. Thicker lubes are recommended; a lot of people swear by silicone based ones for anal play. Just keep in mind that silicone doesn’t play well with latex, like in condoms and many cheap toys. Always use more lube than you think you need. Sex is meant to be messy, have a good time now and clean up later.

Choose the Position

Some positions work better for anal sex than others. Any time you put yourself in a bent position it tightens your sphincter muscles and can make it harder to relax. A couple of the best positions are missionary position and girl on top. If you are nervous about anal play then take control and get in a position where you control the depth and speed of penetration.

Find the Right Toys

Anal toys look different from vaginal toys for a reason. The biggest reason is that it’s very easy to lose something in your rectum. The night shouldn’t turn to an embarrassing visit to the ER. Anal toys are flared at the base or have a retrieval string/ring. To keep things cleaner, put a condom on your toys, so when you’re done you can just remove the condom and move on to other things.

One Last Thing…

If you’re not into anal sex, that’s okay. You don’t have to cross everything off your sex bucket list in order to enjoy your sex life. If you aren’t into it now, you might be into it later. Just keep the communication lines open with your Dominant as your pleasure pathways change and grow.

Thoughts to Ponder
What do you think about anal sex? Do you do any preparation?
What tips would you give a novice to anal play that aren’t mentioned here?
Interesting Links
Handout on Anal Sex
Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples
Related Posts:
Anal Play: Beginner to Stretch in No Time
My Time on the Edge: Exploring Rimming
Review: Tickle My Tush: Mild-to-Wild Analplay Adventures for Everybooty
Attending Your Dominant [Day 6 - 2WBSP]
Understanding the Reason Behind, “Am I The Only One?” and How to Respond (With a Bit of Netiquette Rules)

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on April 04, 2016 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks!

My oldest cat, Maximus was diagnosed with kidney disease two years ago. Well the past few weeks have been harder and harder on him. He’s in the pee a lot, drink a lot, dehydration phase of things. I currently can’t afford to bring him to the vet for more blood work ($300 is a lot right now) so I’m giving him supportive care. He gets Pedialyte in his food now to boost his electrolytes and hopefully help him out. I am struggling because I know he’s getting worse. Watching him and not being able to help him is so painful.

Another week has gone by so that means another summary!

Are you a Fan of Submissive Guide? Join the Ranks!
If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a fan of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $1 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. In return you’ll get perks and rewards like discount codes for ebooks, freebies and one on one time with me!

Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

How Often Have You Said: “I Don’t Know What’s Expected of Me, But I’d Like To”?
Ask the Readers – Looking for Signals During Play
[Video Post] What Does Service Submission REALLY Mean?

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask Submissive Guide Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

none

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Discussions hosted by MRs. Darling and myself.

Rituals: helpful or clunky?

Do you find rituals to be a helpful way of enforcing submission daily/weekly or a clunky interruption to a natural relationship flow?

What are your favorite rituals?

What does that ritual mean to you and your partner?

Can single/unpartnered submissives benefit from having their own rituals?

Stories?

Answer any and all.

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2015: Ask lunaKM – No Communication All Night – Am I Oversensitive?
In 2014: Are There Basic Expectations in a Dominant That I Should Look For?
In 2013: Finding My Focus by tequilarose
In 2012: Don’t Be a Shelf-Sitter by LadySneak
In 2011: Processing Pain in Play: What is the Natural Process?

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Do you believe the internet has made the ‘lifestyle’ more accessible to people? How has the internet impacted your lifestyle?
How does your owner expect you to communicate when you are angry/upset?
What is a quote that expresses your past? A quote that envelopes your present, and one that defines your future? -from Submissive Ponderings and Musings
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Kink in the Chain
Season 3 Episode 1 – Kink in the Chain Podcast

31 Mar 2016, 2:20pm GMT

→ Kink in the Chain Podcast

This week, I wanted to talk about misconceptions in the scene. When we first start off, there are a variety of things we think we are going to see. In the end, it just isn’t so. Also, welcome to Season 3. Sorry it took so long. Had a variety of factors not including a site breach. However, we are returning to our normal schedule. Viewer Questions this week: I’d really like to get into presenting. I feel that I have a lot to offer the BDSM community. How can I get into this field? I go to parties all the time but never end up playing. I just can’t seem to find anyone to play with. How to do it? How do I know someone is safe / how do I find safe people to play with / how do I be safe? …

MP3 audio (35MB, 38min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on April 03, 2016 10:00