Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 39

November 19, 2015

Self-Esteem Through Grooming Part 3: Nail Care

As I stated in the introduction to my article about the upkeep of hair, the care that you give you nails, feet and hands plays an important role in how you present yourself to other people, and as such, their upkeep can greatly boost your sense of self-worth. Again, this is partially achieved by giving yourself the time to indulge in a bit of self-care, but also to give you an excuse to feel proud of yourself for maintaining your appearance.

So what makes your hands, feet, and nails important enough to devote your attention to? Your hands and feet are, to the rest of the world, subtle indicators of your dedication to things. Not only does a good manicure and pedicure polish off your appearance, but it’s essentially a subliminal signal to the people around you that you care about things even down to the smallest detail. It’s a good way to, literally, put your best foot forward, or to curl a potential Dom(me) around your little finger, and it shows the rest of the world that you are willing to put in a little bit of extra effort to make yourself look nice.

So Let’s Talk Manicures/Pedicures

We’re pretty hard on our hands and feet. As a general rule, we use them every day with varying degrees of viciousness. Keeping your hands and feet looking healthy and neat only really takes about five minutes a hand/foot if you’re keeping it simple and doing a home job. I normally stick on an episode of my current TV show for background noise and haphazard my way through touching up my nails. If you’re doing this for the first time, however, it might take you a little longer, so set yourself up with a few episodes of your show of choice, and make sure that you have a few hours to spend in one location. Also: bring your supplies to the table with you. Make sure that you have everything you need before you begin, because trying to find your top coat polish when your colour coat is drying is a good way to get polish on everything but your nails. For convenience, here’s what I usually grab before I begin:

Nail polish remover, cotton swabs AND q-tips
Nail clippers
Cuticle trimmers and orange sticks
Hand/nail moisturizer & foot moisturizer (these are different. We’ll talk about that in a minute)
Emery board/nail file and nail buffer
Your polish (base, colour, and top coats)
A bowl of cold water, a hair dryer, OR cooking spray

Start by removing left over nail polish. If you don’t usually paint your nails, this is a step you can obviously skip, but always make sure that you remove any leftover polish rather than trying to paint over it. Use the cotton swabs to get the majority of the colour off, and then the q-tips to get the edges of your nails. If you’re trying to remove polish made with a heavy glitter, the best thing to do is to get a bit of aluminum foil, press a soaked cotton ball to your nail, and wrap the foil around your nails for a few minutes. Make sure that you don’t keep them on longer than about 5, though, because polish remover does dry out your nails and will make them peal or shed later.

Once the polish is removed, wash your hands and feet. I know it sounds silly, but you need to make sure that the residue of the nail polish is completely off your fingers and your nails. Again, keeping the remover on your nails for too long dries your nails out, and that especially includes when the solution dries on your nails. Follow up with the moisturizer. Remember that hand moisturizers and foot moisturizers are different. Because your feet are more heavily calloused, a foot moisturizer is going to be really intense and thick, whereas a hand moisturizer is going to be lighter. Your feet will absorb the heavier moisturizer effectively, but your hands won’t. My advice is to take care of your feet before you take care of your hands, that way you can wash the residual lotion off of your hands before you put the proper lotion on them. Also: make sure that you’re getting the lotion on your nails and cuticles. Nails grow from the cuticles outward, and the healthier your cuticles, the healthier your nails will be.

After you’ve moisturized, you can push your cuticles back gently with the orange sticks, and trim the dead skin from around your nails. Try not to actually cut your cuticles. Pushing them back will expose more of your nail bed and make your nails look longer, but actually cutting them rather than pushing them back can be painful and leaves you at risk of picking up infections.

Now that you’ve taken care of the areas around your nails, you can start painting. I recommend at least putting a base coat or a top coat on your nails to protect them. Something either clear or neutral should dry quickly and give you an extra level of resistance against every day usage. But even if you plan to put colour on your nails, you should always have a base coat, especially if you’re painting your nails a bright pigment such as blue, green, or red, as those stain your nails.

Try to make sure that you put plenty of polish on the brush, but don’t feel like you need to unload all of the polish on a single nail. You shouldn’t so much brush the polish as use the brush to guide where the polish goes. Once the base coat is on all ten fingers/ toes, put on the first coat of colour using the same technique. Usually, the time that it takes to do all of your fingers and toes is plenty of time between coats; you don’t want to let the coat dry completely, or the coats that follow after won’t adhere to what’s already on your finger.

A note on your colour coat: Depending on the brand and consistency of the polish, you might need anywhere from a single coat to three coats. If you need more than three coats, you should consider changing your base coat to a more opaque colour, such as neutral instead of clear, or white instead of neutral.

Once your colour coat is on, seal it with a top coat. The top coat can be a matte or a gloss, depending on your preference. The idea behind the top coat is to make sure that the colour coat is protected; your polish will be less likely to chip if you have a top coat on.

The hardest part of a manicure/pedicure is waiting for your nails to dry—especially when you have multiple coats of polish on. Either you’re confining yourself to the same location for an extra couple of hours and hoping to death that you don’t move the wrong way. There are a couple of ways around this, though, and they’re fairly easy, so unless you’re running a particularly compelling marathon of your favourite show, there’s no need to be a couch potato for the rest of the day.

If you have a hair drier, you can put it on the lowest setting and simply blow your nails dry. Alternatively, submerging your nails, carefully, into cold water for a few seconds and then carefully removing them (and waiting for the water to air dry) is a good way to speed up the process and to determine whether your manicure is set. Finally, the method I usually use, is to spray them down with a thin coat of cooking spray, wait about two minutes, and then carefully wash your hands. I have no idea why cooking spray works, and I have no idea where I picked it up as a technique, but it’s really handy if I need to get somewhere quickly after having done my nails. (Just make sure that you don’t use a butter or olive oil flavoured spray, because then your fingers will smell like butter and olive oil).

Troubleshooting Long Nails

Maintaining longer nails can be tricky. On average, mine successfully grow about 3-5 centimeters passed the tips of my fingers before they really start to become troublesome, but growing them out is always really tricky. Here are a few things that help yield healthy nail results:

Stay on top of your manicures. Carry a small file or a nail clipper with you. If you notice a snag or an uneven edge in your nail, fix it immediately, because otherwise it’ll catch on something and rip off.
Drink a lot of water and eat well. The appearance of your nails (and your hair) is fairly telling of how healthy you are and how well you eat because they’re your body’s version of luxury items. Only when the rest of you is running well will your body dedicate its resources to your nails, so keep hydrated, and eat things that are vitamin heavy.
Nail split? If you’re at home and you noticed that your nail has split or begun to shed off, you can use a bit of polish and the mesh filter of a tea bag to keep your nail together. Just cut a piece of the teabag to fit over your nail, put a thick coat of clear polish on, and then place the mesh on your nail. Top it off with another thick coat of polish and then cover that with the colour of your choice. You’ll still have to be a little careful with your nail, but it will hold securely until your nail grows out enough to deal with the damage appropriately and without sacrificing length.

Maintaining your nails, hands, and feet can be a bit of a chore until you get the hang of it; putting polish on your nails is definitely one of the areas that requires practice and a certain level of hand/eye coordination, but at least basics of upkeep are simple and have a generous learning curve. As always, there are plenty of videos on Youtube.com that can give you visuals as well as instructions which you can use as supplements. Remember, the idea behind doing this is to give yourself a half hour once a week or once every two weeks where you can focus on doing things that can make you feel good.

Are there nail techniques or tutorials that you find especially helpful? Leave a comment below!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 19, 2015 07:00

November 18, 2015

Self-Esteem Through Grooming Part 2: Hair

Whether you’re a little, a slave, or a sub, the condition of your hands and hair can make or break your appearance. Just like wearing a costume, you’d never put on an outfit and then leave your hair to do its natural thing, and the remnants of your three week old nail polish on your fingers—not unless it fit with the image you were trying to recreate, anyway. I’ve seen more people take special care to dress nicely to go out and then leave their hair to frizz, or avoided doing their nails, and it completely undermines all of their other efforts. Like your jewelry, like your make-up, and like your clothes, your hair and nails have to tie in to whatever look you’re going for, but more than that, paying attention to your hands, feet, and hair and giving them consistent care, is an excellent way to further pamper yourself, and as I’ve said before, treating your body in addition to treating your mind to positive reinforcement about your worth and beauty can help you make long strides in building your self-esteem.

How do Hair and Nails tie in with Self-Esteem?

In my article that addresses expressing submission with your hair, I talk about how hair is a cultural symbol of youth, freedom, and beauty. As such, having hair that is healthy, full, rich in colour, and soft to the touch, tends to be a subtle, but effective confidence boost. There’s a reason why the expressions “good hair day” and “bad hair day” exist: the behavior of your hair in the morning usually plays a huge role in how you’re feeling for the rest of the day.

Likewise, taking care of your nails (hands and feet) give out very clear messages to the people you come across. A person who dresses nicely, but has broken finger nails and hangnails will still give off a pretty poor impression in comparison to someone who obviously takes care of his or her hands as well as caring about what he or she puts on in the morning. The state of your nails, in particular, is a big indicator of your class and your position in life. Not only does having long nails indicate that you work with your hands a lot less than someone who has short nails, but having fake nails, painted nails, well-manicured nails, indicates that you either have the excess time to dedicate to your nails, or the money to keep up with your nails.

Being able to take pride in these highly symbolic factors in your appearance plays a big role in allowing yourself to feel good about the way you look, but actually dedicating the time and attention to the upkeep of these things is what really helps tie your mental mantras for building self-esteem to your body. You’re worth the time it takes to take care of yourself, and your dedication to these areas ultimately makes you worthy of the results that their upkeep will yield.

Remember, the idea is to create a sense of ritual: physical actions that you can follow through as a form of active meditation which will allow you to focus on the aspects of your body that you’re proud of, or that you desire to be proud of. Taking the time and energy to dedicate to yourself will help build the positive reinforcement that you need for those, “Pretty, Sexy, Strong,” mantras that you use in the mirror to work effectively.

The Look You’re Aiming For

Unlike your skin care routine (which, despite being a sub, should solely focus on your needs), the way you keep your hair and nails can be greatly influenced by the type of submissive you are, and by your Dominant’s preferences. For example, a stay at home little might wear his or her hair to reflect the age they like to play at. The colours of polish they wear on their nails, if they are allowed to wear polish, can easily be regulated by what your Dom prefers or feels to be appropriate. A lot of my function as a sub is ornamental.

My Dom enjoys when I look nice, and she enjoys when other people notice that I look nice. Since we’ve been together, my interests in fashion have grown substantially, and while part of that is from a natural interest, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that looking elegant on my Dom’s behalf didn’t fulfill some of my needs as a sub. As such, when I do my hair and take care of my nails, my goal is always to create a sense of being well put together.

That’s not to say that I haven’t painted the TARDIS or Nyan cat on my nails for the heck of it, but rather that I do my best to maintain my polish so it isn’t chipped and that I take care of the skin surrounding my nails. Likewise, I have a few really simple hairstyles that I tend to throw my hair in to keep it out of my face, but match my overall appearance, but that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally just toss my hair into a sloppy ponytail or put my hair in pig tails if I’m staying home for the day—and of course, no matter what my preference is, my Dom’s preferences always trump mine.

Ultimately, what you dedicate yourself to can be completely tailored, making your hair and nail care a fabulous way to express your submission as well as a way to pamper yourself.

Note: This article actually got very long just going over basic hair care, so I’ve decided I’m splitting it up into a separate article for nail care (where I’ll walk you through a manicure) and the rest of this article will focus specifically on hair.

General Care for Hair

We talk a lot on sub forums about things like hair removal: what methods get the best results, how we actually implement those methods, etc. SubmissiveGuide has a few articles on the subject, so I felt the best method of approach for this article would be to focus on keeping up with the hair on your head—especially if you’re attempting to grow your hair out.

Regardless of the length of your hair, and styles that you and your Dom choose to pleat it into, taking care of your hair is a fundamental component of taking care of yourself. I’ve already addressed some of the ways that you can express your submission with your hair, but its upkeep, like your skin care, should be a task you perform for your own benefit, and it starts, strangely enough, in your diet.

I promise that I’ll talk to you more about healthy eating in a later article, but in reference to your hair and nails, your diet is exceptionally important. You need to make sure that what you’re eating is giving you the appropriate balance of vitamins and minerals that you’re supposed to be consuming, and you need to make sure that you’re drinking plenty of water. Regardless of the length you keep your hair and nails, starting with your diet is integral to building a strong, healthy structure that will look good with minimal effort. It’s also important to understand that, while there are dietary supplements that target your hair and nail growth, these are incredibly expensive, and actually contain such an overly large quantity of the vitamins/minerals, that most of the time taking a single capsule every day results in your body flushing out the majority of the capsule that you paid a lot of money for—meaning that the results you yield are often times non-perceptible when compared to the average, unhindered growth of your nails and hair. There are a few exceptions to this, but ultimately the way you use those products is more involved than just consuming them.

Caring for Your Hair Starts with a Good Shampoo and an Effective Conditioner.

Before we get into supplements, though, let’s talk about the basics. Most people develop a basic routine for their hair by the time they reach adulthood. It’s substantially less tricky than trying to find a compatible skin routine, so I’ve done my best to par this section down to tips rather than instructions. If you feel completely lost regarding hair care, that’s okay, there are plenty of resources available to you on youtube.com and lurking farther reaches of the internet, and you can always talk to a stylist. Just like skin care, however, you want to make sure what you’re putting on your hair is a high quality, and that you personally see results from it.

What makes shampoo high quality? Remember that high quality doesn’t mean high price. Don’t rely on the fancy labels on the bottles or the price tag to indicate whether or not the product inside is good. What really makes a shampoo/conditioner combo high quality is whether or not you’re seeing and feeling the results in your hair, so, as always, you’re trying to balance out the ingredients, with the results, with the cost of the product. It can be a little frustrating, especially if you’re on a budget, and no one wants to have to suffer through a bottle of shampoo that makes his or her hair limp and unhappy. Fortunately, like lotion, you can usually predict the effectiveness of the product by considering the consistency. Don’t buy something that comes out of the bottle super watery, as that generally means that water is the primary ingredient. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the product is ineffective, but it means you’re going to need to use more to get the desired results, which means your cheap, $3-$9 bottle of shampoo will need to be purchased twice as often as a more concentrated $9-$15 bottle.

Ultimately, I would recommend that you shoot for brands that are salon quality or that used to be considered salon quality. John Frieda is my current grocery store brand of choice; not only is it effective, but it’s actually cheaper to buy than lines like L’Oreal OleoTherapy, but if you’re looking for exceptional products, Redkin, Bedhead, and Biolage are common salon brands that tend to work amazingly as well. If you want to feel like you’ve just gotten your hair professionally done every time you wash, take a peek into the nearest salon or the place you usually go to when getting your hair trimmed and check out what they’re using. A word of caution, though: don’t buy directly from the salon without checking the prices of the products on Amazon. Amazon tends to mark things down as incentive for using their website, so be sure to take full advantage of that.

In addition to having a go-to brand, try to find a secondary brand that you can alternate to every one or two bottles of shampoo. It doesn’t matter what brand you use or how uber great the brand claims to be, eventually, the product builds up on your hair, and changing out your shampoo usually helps break down that residue effectively. (It also keeps you from getting bored of the same old routine. A new brand of shampoo, like your special occasion skin products, can help revitalize your routine and make it take on some new meaning for a few days).

In Regards to Washing your Hair

I’m going to try not to hit this too hard, as most of you have probably been washing your hair a long while all on your lonesome, and I don’t feel instructions are overly necessary. What I will say is: try not to fall into the trap of “lather, rinse, repeat,” but rather, make sure you wash from scalp to tips thoroughly. Don’t use water that’s too hot, as it will dry out your hair, and no matter the length of your hair, follow up with conditioner to ensure that you’re not drying your hair out by just using the shampoo that strips the excess oil from your hair. Last, remember, shower every day, but don’t wash your hair as frequently as that, unless you have exceptionally oily hair. Hair care starts with your scalp, and while stripping most of the oil from your hair and using conditioner to moisturize it is fine for creating healthy looking hair, drying out your scalp itself is a good way to give yourself dandruff and itchiness.

On the note of conditioner

How much of your hair you condition generally depends on your hair type. Again, my hair is just on the drier side of average, so I will often times condition all the way up to about two inches from my roots. If your hair gets oily faster, you will want to focus more on the ends of your hair.

The most important part is leaving it to soak a bit. Put your hair in a messy bun once the conditioner is in, wash your body, and then rinse your hair and body at the same time. Conditioner needs that extra time to absorb. Make sure that you’re spending at least two minutes with your hair covered in conditioner before you rinse, and again, make sure the water is warm, not scalding.

Brush it out!

The biggest mistake that people tend to make when taking care of their hair is brushing it with a hair brush while it’s wet. This is a good way to damage your hair and to get a lot of split ends, because your hair is its most fragile when it’s wet, and will snap if you try to force your brush through tangles. Instead, you need to brush your hair with a comb first. Try to have one wide toothed comb, especially if you have thick hair, and one fine toothed comb. The former tool will help you remove the larger knots form your hair and keep it from breaking as you brush it out. The latter will help you get those small, gnarly creatures out of the under layers of your hair. Make sure that you’re working knots out from the bottom up. Trying to work from the scalp to the ends of your hair is a good way to get bigger knots because your hair won’t have anywhere to go. Once your hair is untangled, then you can go through with a brush, if you still want to, but I usually find that it isn’t necessary unless I’m blowing it dry to style it.

When it’s dry, your hair is pretty safe to brush as normal. I keep two brushes: one with the stiff, plastic bristles that is used for detangling, and a boar hair brush, which is designed to distribute the oil in my hair, and to keep it smooth and silky throughout the day. I keep the latter brush in my purse, as it’s tiny, and make a point to brush my hair when it’s down whenever I feel like I need a little bit of a touch up.

Putting Heat and chemicals to Your Hair

Perming, hot curling, straightening, blow drying, bleaching, and dying your hair are all great ways to tame your unruly locks and to accentuate your beauty, but you need to be careful. Consistent application of extreme heat will damage your hair in a way that even high quality shampoo and conditioners can’t fix. Make sure that when you do use these tools, you combat the effects by using products designed to help protect your hair from the heat you’re using, and balance out the use of those tools with days where you go au natural and using shampoos and conditioners that are advertised for “repairing damage.”

And on that note:

If the ends of your hair constantly frizzy, dull, dry, breaks easily, or feels coarse and gritty no matter what you use on them, changes are, you’ve already done some damage to your hair. The damage can be repaired only slightly by that point, and the products that will help tend to be salon quality and expensive. If you can afford it, length wise, it’s usually cheapest to cut off the damaged ends and to start fresh. If you’ve completely fried your hair, however, and aren’t able to cut your hair completely, you might need to look into products like leave in conditioner and hair masks.

This is where some of those supplements seem to come in handy the most. Mixing natural products like honey, avocado, coconut oil, olive oil, eggs, mayonnaise, etc. with a liquid vitamin E capsule can give your hair a boost without you having to worry about how much of the vitamin your body expelled without using.

Styling

I mentioned that you should make sure that you style your hair appropriately for your outfit. There’s not a realistic way for me to address this topic without writing a book about different hair styles and their how-tos, but what I can say is that there is a plethora of resources out on the internet, especially youtube and pintrest, where you can learn how to do up-dos, half-dos, braids, ponytails, knots, ties, faux bobs, vintage styles, and basically anything that you know how to research. Understand that depending on how stubborn your hair is, you may or may not be able to do certain styles the first time. They take practice, and I recommend doing a hair style several times before you actually want to wear it out. As always, ask your Dom for his or her opinion. It’s a nice way to incorporate him or her into your ritual, and gives them more of an opportunity to express their influence over and interest in your appearance.

Extend the Ritual

Remember how we talked about your special occasion skin treatments, and the possibility of using an extended treatment as a way for your Dom to reward you for good behavior, or to take part in your grooming? Hair is another great way for you to interact with your Dom on a sensual, albeit not necessarily sexual level. If self-esteem is something that you find yourself consistently struggling with, having your Dom take an active role in interacting with your body in a way that doesn’t lead to sex is an amazing way to allow yourself to feel attractive and well cared for.

The exchanges can be as formal or informal as you want them to be. Right now, the most emotionally compelling ritual that my Dom and I have is when she brushes my hair before we go to bed. It’s not a complex exchange: I’m usually ready before she is, so I kneel and wait at the end of the bed for her. When she’s ready, she brushes my hair for me, and then she invites me into bed. It takes about five minutes, but especially because I’m very proud of my hair, my Dom brushing my hair for me is a comforting reinforcement that I’m worth her time and that she appreciates me enough to give her time to me.

The exchange that you set up with your Dom could be as simple as that, or it could be more ceremonial. It could start with your extended skin care routine, it could involve regular inspections of the way you keep yourself. If your Dom has an interest in voyeurism, it could be a simple, intimate part of your routine which he or she can enjoy watching you perform. The implementation is only really limited by your imagination and interest.

I’m hardly an expert.

Per usual, I’m happy to remind you that I am not an expert on anything that I write; I have a natural interest in the topics, and tend to do a lot of research until I get bored with learning a particular subject, and it may take weeks before I’m ready to look at something a second or third time. There are as many techniques for hair care as there are stylists, amateur and professional alike, and I’m sure there are even a few readers who are actually stylists and know a lot more than I do on the subject. If you like to think of yourself as a hair person, or know more about what I’m talking about than I do, or even if you want to just deposit your two cents into the jar, go ahead and comment below. Ask questions about things you have trouble with, or feel free to post some additional resources.

Until next time,

Kallista

Resources:

Hair Masks: http://hair.allwomenstalk.com/diy-hair-masks-for-dry-hair

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 18, 2015 07:00

November 17, 2015

Self-Esteem Through Grooming Part 1: Skin Care

It’s probably a cliché to start this article with a play on the adage, “beauty is only skin deep,” but let’s face it, when you’re embarking on a conversation about your complexion, there really is no better way to start. Taking care of your skin is incredibly important, not just on your face, but on your whole body. Your skin protects your tender insides from the world’s harsh outsides, and as a general rule, you probably thank it by slamming into inappropriately placed inanimate objects, forgetting to put sunscreen on, exposing it to the elements, and periodically scraping bits of it off because you suddenly realized that you actually were really itchy.

Putting aside the more traditional problem of acne, living life like a functional human being puts your precious skin through the ringer, and I’m of the firm opinion that giving back to your skin for all it does for you is a first, and very important step in learning to appreciate your body for what it is and building up your self-esteem. Why? Because your skin is the first thing that people tend to notice. Before they look at your weird hairline, your crooked nose, or your supposedly tiny mouth, they’re going to notice the great, living organ that connects your qualities. How’s that for some extrinsic motivation to take care of your skin?

Before we begin, though, let’s make one thing clear:

I’m not just talking about the skin on your face. As a general rule, you should be paying attention to your body as a whole. I’m also not saying that following this to a T will yield drastic, life changing alterations in your appearance. That’s not the point of this: the point is to outline how you can develop a routine that will allow you to have an excuse to invest time into yourself, and to take pride in the body that you’re pampering. That said, let’s begin:

Let’s start with your environment.

It’s well and good to take a shower every day and to call that your skincare routine, but in order to really take care of your body as a whole, you need to consider the sorts of things you put your skin through on an everyday basis: Do you have a job where you interact with grease? Cooking oil? Concrete? Do you live in a climate with extreme temperature changes throughout the year? A dry climate? A cold climate? A sunny climate? All of these things effect your skin, and while your skin does a fairly good job of adjusting to weather and work conditions, there’s only so much that your genetics and body chemistry can really overcome on their lonesome. Likewise, your skin is shedding constantly, and although a good scrub in hot water can help diminish and prevent build up, using the wrong products can actually increase the residue that lingers on your skin after a long day.

Try to make conscious choices about the products that you use on your skin based on your daily routine. If you live in a dry climate (hot or cold), invest in the products that will combat that (we’ll talk products in a minute). If you live in a sunny climate, make a conscious effort to use products that have SPF in them. If you’re working with grease or in an oily environment, buy products that can cut through that residue, and then a follow up product to help replace the moisture that you stripped from your skin in the process of removing the oil and grease. Likewise, it’s a good idea to invest in two different types of body soap: a daily use soap and an exfoliator of some kind to use about once a week or every two weeks; this will allow you to remove any residual dead skin regularly, but not so often that you’re also constantly scratching and damaging new skin as it forms.

For some of you, this will not be new information, and you probably already have a vague idea of a routine that you already follow, or know that you would like to follow. To those of you who fall into this category, I can only say go forth and follow through with your ideas. Make a conscious effort to implement a daily routine, a weekly routine, and even a monthly routine and stick to it. For those of you who are uncertain of the types of products you should be using, just keep reading:

Products and their purposes

Once you’ve considered your environment and the daily tribulations of your skin, you need to start collecting products accordingly. There are literally thousands of different types of products, and brands of products. I can do my best to throw in recommendations, but usually, a quick google search will help you find the product brands that will best help your specific needs and meet your preferences:

Body Wash/Cleanser: This is a generic soap that you’ll want to use every day; it can be in liquid or bar form, and the form that you use usually doesn’t matter so much as what the product is designed to do and what sorts of ingredients it has in it. If you have a problem with acne on your back, chest, butt, or shoulders, I recommend looking for brands that are specifically designed to treat acne (Neutrogena is great for this); if you are looking to put a glow in your skin, there are types that have tint in them that will add a subtle, healthy colour to your skin; and if you have dry skin, something that advertises itself as having extra moisturizer in it would be the most ideal.
Exfoliators/Exfoliants: There are actually a couple of forms of exfoliant that you could be using. Some of them are close to cleansers, but have the addition of a coarse or sandy ingredient that is designed to rub off the residual dead skin that hasn’t flaked off of your body yet, and to sort of buff the surface of your newer skin to promote circulation. Others are going to be made of syrupy types of ingredients and actually contain large quantities of sugar or salt for a more rigorous buffing effect. Generally speaking, the thicker the exfoliant, the less often you’ll want to use it. I tend to have an exceptionally thick sugar scrub that I use right before I shave my legs to make sure that I’m getting as close to my skin with my razor as possible; otherwise, I have a less cohesive scrub that I use about once a week or if I’m feeling exceptionally grimy.
Lotions: Most of us have a general awareness of the purpose of lotion: to restore and help your skin keep moisture. These are usually closer to liquid form than to solid, but a good way to judge the quality of the product is to look at the product’s consistency. If the lotion feels wet and watery, it probably isn’t going to help your skin retain moisture. If the product is creamy or mousse like, there’s a much better chance that it has a higher concentration of active ingredients and a smaller percentage of water, making it much more effective at its job.
Body Butter: A really intense moisturizer. As the name implies, a good body butter (at room temperature) is going to be anywhere from the consistency of cold butter to room temperature cream cheese. It’s usually made with higher quality and more natural ingredients, like shea or cocoa butter that will warm up and melt as it makes contact with your body. These are fabulous for exceptionally dry skin or when you want to feel like you’re doing something special for yourself (and also a really good way to make you smell like a bar of chocolate, if chocolate is your thing…).
Body Oils: These will definitely be liquid, and there’s no real way to tell from the consistency of the product how good it is; you’ll have to read the ingredients to determine what kinds of oils are being used and then research the general consistency of those types of oils in their purest forms in order to get a really good idea of what you should be looking out for in that regard. But body oils are great for when you want to amp up your moisturizing routine: you can either apply them directly to dry skin, or you can add a few table spoons into a bath and let yourself soak; it’s also a really nice way to infuse a scent onto your skin without buying perfume, as most oils (especially flower oils) carry the scent of whatever plants they’ve come from.

(Note: there’s an awful lot of hoopla about using “all natural” products on your skin. Be aware that finding a product with “all natural” ingredients that are actually “all natural” will be like finding a three headed unicorn that shoots fire from the nostrils of its second head. Sure, it’s possible in theory, but the few products that I’ve found have been as expensive as the unicorn and have yielded subpar results. Your best bet is simply to isolate any allergens that might affect you and look for products without them.)

Setting up a routine

Once you have products you’re happy with, setting up a routine is pretty simple. There’s a natural order to using products that’s pretty intuitive as far as these things go: Use the cleanser first, and moisturize second. The tricky part is determining when to use what products on a daily basis verses once every few weeks and once in a great while.

Your Every Day Products need to actually be things that you’re willing to use every day. These might be the slightly less expensive and more generic brands, or they’ll be the products that best fit your daily needs. I strongly recommend that you have one cleanser that is free of (or contains very little) exfoliating additives. Applying your cleanser with a loofa will provide you with more than enough friction to get rid of the majority of your dead skin. You should also have a moisturizer. Again, I’d recommend something a little lighter, either an oil or a lotion, that you feel comfortable applying to the majority of your body after you shower or bathe.

Your Once in a While Products are your next grade up, and this is really where treating yourself can help boost your confidence. Even a scheduled break from a routine can give you a sensation of starting fresh and uncovering your better qualities. So, once a week or once every two weeks, depending on what you’re comfortable with, you should mix up your routine. Use your more concentrated exfoliant instead of your cleanser, and follow it up with your thicker moisturizer. Remember, these will probably be your slightly more expensive products, so this is a nice way to feel like you’re indulging yourself on a more regular basis. Think of it as a mini (and much cheaper) trip to the spa, where you’re creating a nice baseline for yourself for the coming weeks.

Your Special Occasions Products aren’t going to be the sorts of things you only break out for the holidays, but rather products that you buy for specific purposes; for example, if you wax at all, your skin care routine needs to reflect that, and the types of cleansers and moisturizers that you use are going to change drastically. On the same token, however, these could be your more expensive Date Preparation or Special Night In versions of your every day or once in a while products. These might be products that you can use for an extended routine, for after care, or for a ritualistic exchange between you and your Dom. If your Dom enjoys pampering you by occasionally taking part in your grooming routines, save these higher quality and more expensive products for those moments.

Also note, too, that you can save your special occasion products particularly for your down days. If you’re struggling with your self-esteem, dedicate a full evening to yourself: take a longer shower, or indulge in a bath, follow whatever hair care routine that makes you feel best, and use your best quality products to remind yourself that you’re worth the effort.

So that’s the body; let’s take a deep breath and talk about the face:

I decided to address the body first because a lot of the same techniques that you use on your body are going to apply with your face. The biggest difference is that your face products are going to be vastly more concentrated than your body products because they are designed to go over a much smaller area of skin. There are a few minor differences that you need to take into consideration, and a few additional products as well.

Skin Type

Generally speaking, your body’s skin type is going to be relatively consistent across the board, but faces get a little bit tricky. Oily, dry, and combination skin types do actually change the types of products that you want to use on your face. Why? Because you’re trying to balance your face out, and using a product that is created with excess oil (like Olay) on an already oil face is going to compound the issue. Likewise, dry, flaky skin isn’t going to be helped by a face wash that is “oil free.” As with the body products, make sure that you read the ingredients and isolate the intended market.

How do you tell the difference?

Generally it’s as simple as describing how your face feels by the end of the day. Do you feel like your skin is slick, greasy, and clogged? You probably have oily skin. Do you feel patchy and is your make up caking or accentuating loose flakes of skin rather than applying smoothly? You probably have dry skin. And if you’re like the vast majority of the population, you probably have combination skin, which means you get patches of both and you’re left wondering if you over moisturized your forehead or applied sandpaper to your cheek bones recently.

If you’re lucky enough to have one clear skin type over another, make sure all of your products are targeted towards your skin type. If you have combo skin, I recommend mixing and matching products based on the season or your skin’s current condition (I have an oily face wash for mornings, a dry face wash for the evenings, and I always use a dry skin moisturizer to balance the two out).

Different Product Types

You aren’t likely to find body butter quality moisturizers for your face, but you will find cleansers and moisturizers from now to kingdom come. In addition, you’ll find the following:

Masks: Some of these are clay, some of them are food or gel or charcoal based. Food and gel based masks are applied specifically for moisturizing purposes. Clay and charcoal masks are designed to suck up excess oil, and usually help reduce blackheads or dry out whiteheads to the point where they can easily be taken care of with handy dandy black head wands (which are amazing and also a little yucky, and you can find them here: http://www.amazon.com/Tweezerman-2740-P-Whitehead-Blackhead-Remover/dp/B0006PLPBC ). Your masks should go in your Special Occasion category for your extended skin care routine days.

Toner: This goes on after your cleanser, before your moisturizer, and should be added to your Every Day routine if you have particularly oily skin, or suffer from regular acne breakouts. Toner tightens your skin, shrinks your pores, and helps your skin maintain a healthy PH balance; toner is particularly useful for pulling off the last stubborn remains of make-up (but should NOT be used as make-up remover), and making sure you’ve really gotten that last layer of dirt off of your face.

Make-up Remover: I will be the first person to admit that I do not currently have make up remover, but for anyone who wears make-up regularly (especially eye make-up), this is an absolute must. Make-up remover is designed specifically to cut through even water proof and long stay products. You should use it to get the heaviest layer of stuff off of your face even before you cleanse (and in some cases, a good rinse and repeat might be needed). It really is detrimental to get all of the make-up products off of your face, otherwise you’re allowing what essentially amounts to gunk and dirt build up in your pores, and that’s a surefire way to induce a breakout.

Other Notes on Your Face Routine

You need to be fairly consistent with your face products in order to see results, but don’t confuse consistent with iron-fisted stringency. The skin on your face is exceptionally persnickety and doesn’t enjoy being jerked around, so make sure that you pay close attention to the balance of your skin and adjust for weather to keep the PH and oil levels of your skin as consistent as possible. Plan to moisturize more in the winter than in the summer (but don’t skip moisturizing if you’re in an environment where the AC runs constantly), and be open to adding a toner to your summer time routine to give your face an additional level of clean during the warmer months.

Bring It Back to Center

Ultimately, building up your self-confidence and self-esteem is dependent upon forging a connection between what you see in the mirror and recognizing the aspects of your body that make you worthy of your Dom’s affection. Remember that you are your Dom’s most prized possession and taking care of yourself in a way that is fitting of an object who bears that title is the most important jobs that you can have as a submissive. Learning to treat your skin well might seem a bit pedantic or silly, but recognizing that you are important enough to be the subject of pampering is a vital step to learning to appreciate the person that your Dom loves. If you’re unsure of the best way to implement a more steadfast routine, talk to your Dom about what they would prefer you do, scents they would prefer you wear, or steps that they would prefer you take on a day by day level or for special occasions.

I’d have loved to walk you through some examples of routines, but this article is already five pages long, so I think I’m going to leave that up to some of the readers: if you have a routine, post it below as an example. If you have a question about the kinds of products you should be looking out for, or where to start in developing your routine, pose some questions below, and we’ll put you on the right track!

Until next time,

Kallista

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 17, 2015 07:00

November 16, 2015

Build Self-Esteem through Grooming Rituals: Series Intro

The concepts of self-esteem and body image hugely hot topics for individuals of all life styles, but I have found it is especially poignant in Dominant/submissive life styles because sex plays such a vital role in our everyday lives rather than just the bedroom. When you’re being asked to put your body on display for various purposes, having a low self-esteem or an unhappy body image can be detrimental to how you conduct yourself in and out of play.

What is “body image” and how does it impact your self-esteem?

Essentially, your body image is your overall perception of your body. It is a combination of the way that your eyes perceive yourself, and the way that you feel in your own skin. According to The Etiology of Bulimia Nervosa by editors Janis H. Crowther, et. al., body image develops around puberty, right alongside the conscious development of your sexual identity (37). As such, the way that you view yourself and the way that you feel about the condition your body is in can play an integral role, not just in your mental health and your perception of your self-worth in other aspects of your life, but in your pursuit of relationships and your expression of self within them.

Whether sub or Dom, the way you view your own body is an imperative aspect the way you conduct yourself. Having a negative body image can impact not only but your relationship, day-to-day life. It decreases your confidence, your sense of security, and in some ways, your willingness to explore new things.

How it impacts your role as a sub

As a sub, your sense of security and your confidence in your Dom’s affection for you are vital aspects of submission, and each of these can be threatened by undermining, unkind internal dialogue. Knowing how to combat self-destructive, overly-critical thoughts, and how to avidly work to gain a positive self-image is actually important in fulfilling your role as a submissive partner. Having a positive body image can raise your self-esteem and ultimately ease some of the subtle, but tense undercurrents you might experience in a relationship.

In addition to causing uneasiness in a relationship, poor body image and low self-esteem can also make a sub feel eager to overcompensate in other aspects of submission; a sub who actually feels unworthy of praise and affection might find him or herself more inclined to agree to terms and conditions of submission that they’re uncomfortable with, or incapable of carrying out, because they’re hoping that doing so will make them more likeable. A sub who doesn’t have a positive self-image and a firm sense of who they are and what they want can act out in jealousy or anger, mistrust, or desperation. That’s not to say that a sub will absolutely do these things, nor that he or she will be inclined to throw themselves at a Dom that doesn’t fit their needs and force themselves to mold to the Dom’s expectations, but rather to recognize that these are possible behaviors resulting in having a poor self-image or sense of self-worth both outside of the D/s dynamic as well as in.

If you are new to the Dominant/submissive community, it’s very important that you understand that having confidence in your own image and of your sexual needs is NOT a taboo. I have observed that submissives—and female subs in particular—have earned an odd reputation in vanilla world as socially awkward, clumsy little kittens that turn into sexy nymphs at the hands of their Dom. I’m not sure if this is an anthropological hang-over from the traditional roles of men and women from times gone by, or if it’s a combination of the modern writer having no practical understanding of what submission is, and the fervor of publishers demanding that books be sold, but the depiction is one that I tend to find particularly off-putting: it gives a lot of people who are interested in being submissives the false impression that they should be totally dependent on their Doms to open their eyes to their own self-worth and to new sexual experiences—which, as more experienced subs know, is certainly not the case.

This is not to say that your Dom can’t play an integral role in inspiring you to explore new things, but rather that you should be willing to take on at least some of the responsibility for your metamorphosis. Remember that acting completely passive in a relationship puts a lot of pressure on your partner, and unless that’s something that both of you have agreed to, having one person take care of the physical and psychological needs of two people isn’t a particularly fair arrangement. Your Dominant might contribute to your journey by helping you become comfortable in your own skin, and accepting your flaws, but the bottom line is that those changes of attitude are intrinsic.

Building a Healthy Body Image

I know that the common idea right now is that building self-esteem and accepting your body should be primarily mental exercises, and that it doesn’t matter what you do on the outside if the inside is a mess. To some extent, this is true. Individuals who suffer from body dysmorphia are probably never going to be satisfied with the way their bodies look in the mirror without a lot of meditation, and (hopefully) help from a support network to build up an understanding of what it means to have a healthy body. However, having spoken to acquaintances and friends who suffered or still struggle with low self-esteem and poor body image, the idea of looking in the mirror and saying a mantra about being powerful and beautiful as the only method of building self-esteem does more potential harm to the way a person views him or herself than it does help. Having a negative body image and low self-esteem does not, after all, equate to a person being totally illogical or unintelligent, and confining oneself to mantras and positive vibes often does not address the “problem areas” that people see in themselves. As a result, the mantras might be a great first step, but the fact that nothing physically changes as a result of the mantras makes them, on their own, entirely ineffectual. It therefore stands to reason that if meditative exercises and physical improvement are each only half the battle, both methods combine will, for most individuals, have a much greater chance at feeling and seeing results in themselves.

A slightly wobbly metaphor about a building and your sense of self-worth:

I currently have two schools of thought regarding the relationship between our physical appearances and our self-esteems, which tend to run simultaneously parallel and juxtaposed:

The first idea regards your self-esteem as an internal, almost spiritual battle. By creating physical routines to occupy yourself with, you are taking an active role in building the foundation of your self-worth. Human beings often depend on ritual to help keep them focused and to create a sense of spirituality in their day to day lives. Meditation and mantras were originally designed to help quiet the mind, focus the thoughts, and to open one’s awareness to the universe in order to gain a sense of enlightenment. It is as spiritual an experience as praying, and as such can be treated with the same integrity and significance as a religious ceremony (albeit on a slightly less elaborate scale). Coupling your positive thoughts with actions can help you a) focus your thoughts, and b) allow you to feel productive in the improvement of your own body.

The second idea regards self-esteem as an external aspect of yourself: no less spiritual, per say, but dependent on your interaction with the people in your environment. If building a ritual for meditation creates the foundation, then the way that we conduct ourselves on the outside creates the framework and structure of our body image. The more pride that we take in following those rituals, the easier it becomes for us to accept the admiration of our peers. For example, if you begin to consistently put particular effort into your hair, and people begin to compliment you on the way your hair looks, the compliments can be more easily accepted due to the amount of work that you put into the hair that is earning you the compliments. Provided that there are no underlying factors that might create the conditions for body dysmorphia, the final layer of our self-esteem and body image is composed of the way that other people view us, and our ability to accept the positive remarks sent our way. Because this is so dependent on not just receiving compliments, but being able to accept them as genuine and sincere, this is the most fragile layer of our perceptions of ourselves. For this reason, it is integral that we all build solid foundations and framework in order to take full advantage of the positive while still being capable of deflecting the negative.

Grooming and Health

Because I feel that there is a close link between the physical effort we put into ourselves and the mental/meditative efforts we use in order to alter our perceptions of ourselves, I am going to address the development of self-esteem and body image from the outside in. The ultimate purpose of this is to give very basic instructions for caring for certain aspects of your physical appearance: to help you lay the foundation while still giving you the freedom to build your own routine. Below are some of the areas that I’ll attempt to address within the series:

Creating a skin care routine
The (very) basics of hair care
Hands and feet as finishing touches
Eating right and staying active
Interacting with others

Be aware that this is not a foolproof guide to instantly changing your entire demeanor, but rather a compilation of suggestions for a starting point on your journey. Your Dom can help you to an extent by using some of these as a springboard for building routines for you to follow, and giving you reassurance on the days you’re struggling (today is a struggle for me. After sharing with my Dom, I received a kiss on the nose and an “I like you” which made me feel better), but even if your Dom showers you with compliments every hour of every day, those compliments aren’t going to do anything unless you have a foundation and framework for them to settle on.

Some Key Terms

As most of the women in my life have a degree in behavioral psychology, I have a tendency to slip into a jargon that I’ve learned pretty much through osmosis (and a few Educational Psychology courses). I’ve done my best to read through the series and to keep the jargon to a minimum, but there are a few terms that I use repeatedly which don’t actually have a vernacular equivalent (or a different meaning in the vernacular) that works as effectively as the phrases themselves. I’ve put them below for you to reference so that you understand what I’m talking about when they show up:

Body Image: This deals specifically with the way you perceive your body. It is a completely internal and slightly arbitrary interpretation of your own appearance vs. your expectations of what you would find attractive in yourself.
Self-Esteem: The confidence that you have in your ability to accomplish things well. This is actually only tied to body image in a slightly skewed fashion (the “how effective am I at turning my partner on?” fashion). Rather, it focuses on your understanding of your capabilities in various areas: work, home, parenthood, in a relationship, etc.
Self-Worth: ironically, not the same thing as self-esteem, though I occasionally (mis)use the phrase as interchangeable. Self-worth is your perception of your overall value as a summation of certain of your parts in comparison to the people surrounding you. In other words, it’s your internal price tag. Are you a more or less valuable soccer player than your friend? Depends on whether you perceive your friend to be better than you at the game.

As always, if I do throw something in, and you have no idea if I mean it the way you think it should be meant, feel free to ask; I’m always happy to clarify.

Until next time,

Kallista

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 16, 2015 07:00

November 15, 2015

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

The dreaded week two of Nanowrimo is almost over and while I’m still behind I feel good about the content I worked on. As of this morning I’ve got just over 16k words. I was plagued with headaches this week so I could have done so much more and I hope that this third week will be full of inspired speed writing. Right now I’m working on a few short report style ebooks on Subspace and Subdrop. Anything you’d like me to cover within those topics?

Don’t forget you can get all Submissive Ebooks for 25% off this month to help support my efforts.

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!

I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Igniting Sexual Desire – Submissive Mediation Monday
Starting A New Local Group by Mrs Darling
Book Review: Transforming Your Relationship: A Comprehensive Look into the Domestic Discipline Lifestyle by Clint and Chelsea by tequilarose
Channeling Guilt by andyiccee

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Bimbofication and “Feeling Slutty”
I am in a 24/7, M/s relationship. My Master is into what is called, “bimbofication”. I have been sort of a tomboy most of my life. I knew getting into this relationship that there would be not only behavior modification, but also physical modifications as well. While I am pretty excited to try all these new things that come along with bimbofication, sometimes I get overwhelmed because it’s not what I’m used to. From simply painting my nails, to wearing high-heels and dresses, to tanning and even breast augmentation…it’s all new and nothing like who I have been in my 28 years of life. I almost started crying the other day because I had to wear a dress to a situation that I believed to be inappropriate for a dress. I also have an idea in my head that things like short dresses and high-heels are slutty, and that I am a slut if I wear them. I also hate feeling like I’m giving off a “hey! Look at me!” Impression to other people. I feel like my Master has done a great job with moving in baby steps, yet I still get overwhelmed. How can I stop from feeling overwhelmed by all these changes? How can I overcome associating feminine things with sluttiness?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Book Review: Real Service by tequilarose
In 2013: 30 Days of Submission: Day 15 – My Evolution as a Submissive
In 2012: Ask lunaKM – Am I Submitting or Not?
In 2011: What is Kajira? by Dara
In 2010: Old Fashioned BDSM Christmas

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

How do you find that gratitude changes your outlook? Does this affect your slavery at all?
I love being submissive because …
“To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.” -Douglas Adams
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Practically Kinky

Ep 48 – A Day In The Household

9 Nov 2015, 6:30pm GMT

→ Practically Kinky Podcast

We chat about a typical day in our household: how we live out our power exchange, make poly work and generally get practical yet incredibly important stuff done – like breakfast.

MP3 audio (20MB, 22min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 15, 2015 10:00

November 13, 2015

Channeling Guilt

An abusive childhood has made me incredibly prone to feeling guilty. Someone else can drop a glass and shatter it and I will twist the situation in my mind in such a way that I caused that to happen – it is my fault that the glass broke. I absorb that persons guilt as my own.

I recognize that this is an unhealthy behavior and thought process, and therapy, yoga, and the support of Chief have helped me to move away from this a little bit, but it is something that I have to work on every day.

Now recently I made Chief quite upset. I thought I left my work keys at home, which is an hour from my job. Chief was visiting with his family when I called him crying that I couldn’t find my keys in my car, I must have left my purse at home, and I could lose my job without my keys. He ended his golf game in the middle, drove an hour home and started digging through the apartment, no purse, which meant no keys. I started freaking out and started opening random drawers at my desk – someone had moved my purse into a drawer when I had left it on the top of my desk. They could have been trying to make room for the box they left, or maybe someone was fooling around, but either way I had my purse and keys, and Chief had left a fun afternoon for nothing. He was rightfully angry.

I had never been afraid to come home, but my guilt was overwhelming. I had thanked him profusely, but he told me he was angry and to stop talking to him. I told him I would cover his half of the rent this month, but he never responded. I was filled to the brim with trepidation. But when I pulled into the driveway he wasn’t there, he never came home. I don’t know if he went to stay with a friend or with his family, but he needed his space and his quiet.

His not being there and his ignoring my texts exacerbated my guilt. He was so upset that he couldn’t speak to me which left me hoping he wouldn’t make a rash decision, and superbly sad that I had ruined his afternoon. So though I sat and pitied myself that night, I channeled my guilt the next morning.

I am the primary caretaker of the apartment, though I work double my partner’s hours, because I want him to be able to relax and be content as much as he can. Especially when he is out of the house do I do house work. I had cleaned most of the big things (the heaping basket of laundry, the bathroom, the dishes) the day before, but I delved into the little things that I otherwise may have put off in lieu of going for a jog or working on my research paper that I am trying to publish.

I think that housework is a good way to channel any overwhelming emotion – in my case guilt or sadness. It allows me to see the product of my work because there is a notable difference between how things were before I started and how they ended. Plus, they provide one less thing that my partner needs to do. The efforts were not enormous, and while my guilt still lingered after I had completed the tasks, the apartment looked better and I did feel a little better, and I hoped that Chief would recognize my efforts.

He did. Though he was still upset when he got home, I know that he appreciated that the laundry that had dried on the rack was put away, that I had washed the comforter that he noted was getting a little dirty, that I had washed out the slightly smelly trash can, or that I scrubbed down his running sneakers that were covered in mud from our hiking vacation the former weekend. And I know that my making the type of brownies he had picked out at the store made him smile when he first saw them.

I found this use for my energy when I was much younger, but I continue to use it because it helps me and it helps Chief. When you find yourself overwhelmed with any emotion, I would recommend trying to channel it into house work. It is an amazing feeling to see two loads of dirty laundry become a clean pile of clothes, and then disappear into their drawers and shelf space. It is wonderful to see a stack of dirty dishes find their way, sparkling clean, into the cupboard. And it is certainly a good feeling to know that your Master will notice how much effort you put in as an apology. Actions speak louder than words or money spent, its all about choosing which actions to engage in.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 13, 2015 07:00

November 12, 2015

Book Review: Transforming Your Relationship: A Comprehensive Look into the Domestic Discipline Lifestyle by Clint and Chelsea

Transforming Your Relationship is by Clint and Chelsea, the couple who runs the blog Learning Domestic Discipline. They introduced the domestic discipline(DD) dynamic into their relationship back in 2008 and because there are so few resources out there for the dynamic, they began their blog in 2011 to help others who are interested in the DD dynamic. In 2014, they wrote Transforming Your Relationship, which is a comprehensive guide to everything one needs to know about the domestic discipline dynamic.

The book is broken up into three parts, an overview of domestic discipline, spanking, and living the lifestyle. The first part of the book discusses what domestic discipline is, covers the four main types and their differences, the positives and negatives of the dynamic, how to get started and an introduction to punishments. The second part, Spanking, talks about different types of punishments, how to administer punishments, and what kind of punishments that would work best for you and your partner. The last part talks about what it’s like with living the domestic disciple dynamic, emotions one experiences, being consistent, rewards and reinforcements as well as a frequently asked questions chapter.

This book is geared towards those individuals who are curious about the domestic discipline but know nothing about the dynamic. While this book is only 153 pages long, there is a lot of really good information to help anyone get started. Before reading this book, I didn’t know anything about domestic discipline and I learned a great deal about the dynamic and realized it’s not much different from your typical power exchange relationship. The main difference is that spanking is used solely for punishment and not for enjoyment. If you are genuinely curious about the domestic discipline dynamic, this is a really great book to pick up to learn more.

You can purchase your copy of Transforming Your Relationship: A Comprehensive Look into the Domestic Discipline Lifestyle by Clint and Chelsea at their website, learningdd.com today.

Product Information:

Tequila R’s Rating: 8/10
Ebook: 153 Pages
Language: English
SKU: 20430595

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 12, 2015 07:00

November 11, 2015

Ask lunaKM – Bimbofication and “Feeling Slutty”

Dear LunaKM,
I am in a 24/7, M/s relationship. My Master is into what is called, “bimbofication”. I have been sort of a tomboy most of my life. I knew getting into this relationship that there would be not only behavior modification, but also physical modifications as well. While I am pretty excited to try all these new things that come along with bimbofication, sometimes I get overwhelmed because it’s not what I’m used to. From simply painting my nails, to wearing high-heels and dresses, to tanning and even breast augmentation…it’s all new and nothing like who I have been in my 28 years of life. I almost started crying the other day because I had to wear a dress to a situation that I believed to be inappropriate for a dress. I also have an idea in my head that things like short dresses and high-heels are slutty, and that I am a slut if I wear them. I also hate feeling like I’m giving off a “hey! Look at me!” Impression to other people. I feel like my Master has done a great job with moving in baby steps, yet I still get overwhelmed. How can I stop from feeling overwhelmed by all these changes? How can I overcome associating feminine things with sluttiness?

Bimbofication is a rather interesting fetish and one that many don’t know anything about. In simple terms it’s about turning a woman into a real life Barbie. From overly feminine clothing and makeup, to beauty treatments and behavior modification to adopt a high-heeled, sometimes ditzy personality.

Unfortunately for you, I have a feeling that your partner likes the “look at me” aura you are giving off and loves showing off who’s on his arm in public. It’s part of the fetish to show off his Barbie doll. So, learning to like the feeling and impression you convey is going to be difficult and thankfully you say he’s taking things in baby steps so he probably understands the immense change he’s asking of you.

Bimbo doesn’t automatically indicate you are a slut, but you have to ask yourself and him if that’s part of his plan. If he wants you to embrace slutty behavior then you have some work to do to rewrite your definition into something positive. Femininity can be empowering if you allow it to. The positive looks you get from others can be powerful for you.

The feeling of being overwhelmed is part of being new to something and getting it all too fast. It’s also part of the learning curve. Your partner is working to mold you into an image that he finds pleasing according to his fetish. If you’ve accepted to become his Bimbo then you have to work to learn how to accept the accouterments that go with it. Adapting to change is always hard, and going out of your comfort zone for it is even harder. I sympathize with you. Let me suggest a few things that might help you work out your feelings and help you accept your position as his Bimbo.

1. Journal your feelings. It doesn’t have to be online. A paper journal is fine, and if he allows you to keep it private then you can do that too. Writing about how you feel throughout the changes will help you settle them and open up your ability to talk about them with your partner.

2. Talk to you partner; frequently and intimately about how you feel. Don’t consider anything too silly or inappropriate.

3. Join FetLife and the Bimbofication groups there to gain support and community. Bimbofication Group on FetLife

I wish you luck as you embark on this journey. Enjoy the ride!

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

2 likes · Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 11, 2015 07:00

November 10, 2015

Starting A New Local Group

Last week, we heard from Kayla Lords in a week-long series about how to enter your local BDSM community. Here’s a link to the first post in that series. But what if you can’t find it or would like to start one of your own?

I recently wrote about the difficulties some new BDSM community members face when trying to get out into the local, real life groups. One of the most common pieces of advice to anybody new to the lifestyle is get out in the real world, to go to a munch, to get involved. If only it were that easy, right? Sometimes it’s simply not an option. In these instances one may consider beginning a new group and the question becomes how exactly to do so.

There are many reasons why someone may want to establish a new local group in their area.

Maybe there is no local munch or the ones that exist near you take place at a day/time that is unavailable to you. Maybe you are looking for an educational experience and all that is available currently are social events being organized (or vice versa). Maybe you’re looking for a niche group of people to meet with, like only those into spanking or to discuss the polyamorous lifestyle.

Whatever your reason, that’s good enough! Adding more groups to the local scene is a wonderful opportunity for both yourself and your local community members. There are likely local people wishing they could attend an event just like the one you want to begin. Organizing a local kink group can be a fun and fulfilling venture that helps everybody involved. I began organizing a new group in my area several years ago- a group that catered specifically to female s-types- and have picked up a few tricks along the way. Here are some helpful hints if you are considering starting an in real life group:

Do a little bit of legwork in the beginning. If you are looking to start a specific group, take some time searching to find out if one already exists. If you will be doing most of your group and events on Fetlife, search your state and see how many nearby events of a similar type exist. Are there any national/international organizations that exist, ie MAsT for the Master/slave community? Search out other groups/events that are similar to what you wish to organize elsewhere; while you may be unable to attend, they can serve as a great template or inspiration for your new group.
Figure out who this group is serving. Will all kinksters of legal age be invited to attend? Is this a group for shibari enthusiasts only? Only submissives? Figure out who you are looking to bring together and spell it out clearly. As an organizer of a female-only, submissive/slave-only group I can attest firsthand to magic that is created when you gather together a group of similarly minded individuals for conversation, or friendship, or education, or fun. I can imagine the feeling is similar to the “French jazz musicians who like to cook” club that exists somewhere in the world. If your goal is to broaden the local kink community gathering availabilities, a munch or coffee night inclusive of all may be just the ticket.
Clearly define the nature of the events you are organizing. There are lots of types of kinky gatherings. Will your group be hosting events that serve to educate the community in some way? Will you be having presenters? Will you have specific topics for general discussion? Or maybe it is simply a social atmosphere, where kink-friendly people gather together to eat, or drink, or shoot pool, or whatever you want to enjoy doing together. Of course there are play-based groups/events as well, but unless you are more experienced and well-versed in your city and states local laws, it’d be safer to stick to non-play based gatherings.
Pick a time/place/frequency that works for you, and others. One of the benefits of starting a group from scratch is being able to work around your own schedule. If you want to meet on a Sunday afternoon, do it! A Wednesday night works better? Then pick that! It would be prudent though to take into consideration the other group schedules in your local community for everybody’s benefit. If you are hosting a poly discussion group on the same night as the local play party, well, you’re forcing people to decide which one they’d rather attend, and in turn impacting both your event and the party. The goal is to add something to local calendar, not to detract from it. As far as places, search out your local restaurants/coffee spaces that offer some form of privacy for discretion. A private room or patio is a great way to ensure the comfort of both your group as well as the other patrons. Contact the location well in advance and let them know of your groups attendance. Number in attendance are one of the most difficult challenges: there will be people who RSVP who do not show and there will also be people who don’t RSVP who show up unexpectedly. Always. I typically give them a number of approximately 75% of my RSVP’s, allowing for an extra table to be added if more or not too big of a letdown to the restaurant if we have a few less. Gathering your group for events that require prepayment or exact numbers are always a headache. Either avoid entirely or point your group members in the direction of where they can purchase their own tickets/entrance. (A sidenote on private group gatherings: many people don’t host events in their private home. Because of the nature of kinky gatherings, most people prefer to keep their private lives as just that, including where they live. Be cautious of opening your home to the entire world of Fetlife, and even if you are comfortable, know most people are not. It will impact your number in attendance significantly.) Pick a frequency of group events that works for your schedule. I have seen some really successful weekly groups, but know that there is a high amount of planning and obligation that goes along with that. A monthly gathering is more manageable for one person to commit to.
Now it’s time to host! Be sure to post the event where it is visible to people who may be interested in it. Some groups function on Fetlife, or Facebook, or Meetup, or all of them, depending on the type of group. In your post be sure to clearly state what you have decided above: who this is for, what you will be doing, when and where you will be doing it, as well as appropriate clothing choices, the cost associated, and importantly, how they can identify your group among the sea of strangers. One of the most common complaints about kinky groups is the difficulty in finding where they are at a public place. Figure out a way for your group members to identify you. Maybe it is a specific location (private room at a restaurant) or give them a group name to ask for (we meet as the ‘Ladies Social Club”). As the host of the local TNG we bring the same card game to play after some socializing, giving our group members a visual identifier on the table month after month.
Be prepared for small-ish results, especially at first, and that’s okay. New groups take some time to build steam in the community. When you first begin, community members may have other obligations, they may be sick, they may wait and see if their other friends are going. It’s not personal. It’s just part of organizing a fluid group such as these. But once you continuously show up each week/month, more and more people will put attending your group in their calendar. There are groups that important to our household and we book babysitters months in advance to be able to attend! Be sure to reach out to newcomers who have RSVP’d and introduce yourself prior to the meeting; they will feel more comfortable knowing that there is somebody familiar to find at the event. Also, there is something to be said for the small group meetings that happen. While of course it is fun to have dozens of people gather around in a similar interest, sometimes it is the group gatherings that have 3-8 people where the closest bonds can form. You can easily meet and speak with newcomers, you can have a regular sized restaurant table, you can engage in conversation without shouting. If you go through the work of starting a local group, stick with it.
Ask for feedback on the group and listen to your members. If you just wanted to do whatever you wanted to do, you wouldn’t have formed a group! Let your new friends and members assist in the growing, organization, and improvement of your group. Ask for suggestions frequently and while you can’t please everybody, do show that you are hearing their voices.
Be smart about your noise level/content. If you are in a public place, be sure you are being discreet about your discussed material. It is so rewarding to be with people who understand your lifestyle, but the family of four dining next to you doesn’t want to hear about your latest fisting experience. Encourage your group members to be respectful of those around you, including restaurant/event staff. Your venues will look forward to your arrival each month instead of cringing. Be prepared to moderate the gathering you pulled together.
It may sound cliché, but have fun. If you have picked organizing a group that you are really interested in or that caters to something you really enjoy doing, this should turn into an enjoyable venture for you. It is your time and effort that is being dedicated, so make it fun for you. If you are enjoying what you are doing, other people will enjoy being around you. Have fun, meet new people, be cordial, be a good host.
Give your group members a way to stay in touch in between events. Create a group page on Fetlife or a private group on Facebook or even a basic website for your group of like-minded kinksters to touch base on throughout the month. Encourage discussion and grow your group online as well as in person.

Starting a new group in the local community doesn’t need to be complicated or time-consuming. Pick something that you really care about, do a bit of planning and prep work, enjoy your new friendships, and be proud of yourself for creating a safe space for others.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 10, 2015 07:00

November 9, 2015

Igniting Sexual Desire – Submissive Mediation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

In the first few months of discovering submission and kinky sex I was insatiable. The sex I had couldn’t happen near enough. But as the years have progressed, the sexual desire I once had has faded and it is probably because it’s no longer new things. It’s far from the mediocre but I don’t feel horny all the time. Sure that could be a good thing, but being that one of my expectations as a sex slave is for me to crave sex, this has been a sticking point.

KnyghtMare understands, of course, even if he wishes it were different. Everyone has their ups and downs, other daily life things get pushed to the forefront and sex gets pushed back. Lots of things can make this change.

But today I’m focusing on how to ignite my sexual desire so that the less than sexy days are fewer and KnyghtMare’s sexual satisfaction goes up. I am his sex slave, after all. I need to live it. Be all of it. For me, and many others, that means not ignoring it. Set your sexual desire and expressing that desire as a priority. Override those “have to’s” and “this first” mentality. Sex is a pure expression of love and lust.

Consider for a moment what turns you on. Is it always actions from your partner? Or can sights, sounds and smells also flip your switch? I know I have sexual triggers within other senses. Bringing them out into the home can help me feel more sexual and prepare my body and mind for more sexual exchanges.

I am a sexual being. I will allow myself to feel sexy and to be turned on, even if something else is happening at the same time. Embracing the whole of myself is an experience in fulfillment; mine and his.

During meditation today, focus on your sexual energy. Let it course through you, light you on fire and excite you. Make note of every small sensation so that you can notice your sexual desire sooner and engage in fulfilling it. Sex is healthy. Sex expresses all sorts of emotions. Sex is healing (thank you Marvin Gaye). Don’t ignore your desire. Let it blossom.

And then take action. Initiate sex. Flirt with your partner. Pounce when they are unaware. Share your passion with them. Submissive does not mean you can’t express your immediate desires with your partner. Let your inner slut out to play.

Kindle the flame. Keep it burning. Feed the fire.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on November 09, 2015 07:00

← Previous 1 2 … 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 … 81 82 Next →

Luna Carruthers's Blog

Luna Carruthers's profile
37 followers