Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 38

December 3, 2015

Giveaway: The Great VibeRite Orgasm Party!

Get your tinsel hung, the lights on the tree and the egg nog spiked and chilled because this is an amazing giveaway you don’t want to miss. It involves ORGASMS. Who wouldn’t want orgasms this holiday season! I’ve partnered up with JT’s Stockroom again this year for a massive prize package worth over $100 US and that’s not all, I have 3 runner-up prizes to choose from too!

I do have to tell you that the great people at Stockroom.com sent me all the prizes to check out for myself so that I could see how wonderful they all are. KnyghtMare and I have put them through their paces so that you can be sure what I’m going to tell you about them is first hand knowledge. I’m thrilled to say that they are great fun and definitely going to give a few people some amazing sexy times this winter!

Oh and this giveaway is open to everyone. Yes, my dear international readers! You too!

Giveaway ends at 11:59 p.m. CST on Thursday December 17th, 2015.

So, let’s check out the prizes first, then I’ll tell you how you can enter to win!

Grand Prize

The grand prize is a VibeRite Personal Massager with ALL of the available attachments. That’s right, not only will you get a cordless wand with 7-speeds, but you’ll be able to choose which attachment hits your (or his) buttons!

In the package:

VibeRite Personal Massager - If you think the Magic Wand is too intense or too heavy or you don’t like having to plug your toys in then this is a perfect solution. Fully rechargeable and cordless makes this a fantastic personal massager. The silicone head and flexible neck help you to get right to the perfect place. Since the vibration isn’t as intense as the Magic wand you won’t numb out. Oh and it has 7 speeds! No silly little low and hell no. You can dial it right in to the number that works for you. I liked that the head comes off for easy cleaning and it wasn’t heavy. The charge lasts 40 minutes! The only downside I saw was that you can’t use it while it’s charging. Of course, then it wouldn’t be cordless, now would it.
G-Spot Attachment - A lovely attachment that rubs your g-spot. I was able to angle it just right and put a decent amount of pressure on my g-spot (how I like it) and it felt great. I also used it as a pinpoint clit vibe while KnyghtMare was busy with other areas.
Double Agent - The “simple” attachment that penetrates deep and tickles all the exterior areas too. I found this one to be the key attachment that I could use for a very long time.
Triple Crown – My personal favorite! I love this attachment because it stimulates everything all at once! I love anal play so any time you can do that and stimulate my clit at the same time you’re magic! Not everyone will be able to use this attachment as anatomy plays a key role in making everything hit just the right spots and it took some wriggling about to do that with my anatomy but I still had a great time, and KnyghtMare enjoyed watching.
Tight Squeeze Male Wand Attachment - This one is lots of fun for him! Well I admit I had fun using this one on KnyghtMare too. He said the nubs feel great and prefers that side of the toy to be on his penis’ head. It’s quite stretchy and fit really snug around his shaft (he’s above average). If your guy is uncut and wider girth I suggest pulling the skin all the way back when you put it on so that you aren’t just sliding the skin up and over the head – he’ll miss the nubby vibration! KnyghtMare’s only complaint is that he came too fast, but that could have been my evil plan all along….
Runners Up

I’m also giving away prizes to three runners-up! When you enter you will be selecting which one you’d want if you are a runner-up winner.

Mystic Vibe Wireless Vibrating Egg – We didn’t get to test this one before the giveway like I wanted to, but it looks and feels just like other wireless eggs we’ve used. The distance it reaches is 10 meters, but keep in mind that’s in the air. Not through clothing and body tissue. Works best up close and with 20 programs you are sure to find one that feels great. I prefer it nestled between my lips against my clit rather than inserted, but that’s just me!
Private Pursuit Kegel Balls - I was most excited about these. The weighted balls are wonderful, come in 2 different weights, you can remove them from the rings for cleaning and this set comes with a ring for one and a ring for 2. Go for a drive while you wear these! You’ll want to hit every single bump in the road. But don’t or your car will hate you.
Innuendo Anal Beads - Your standard anal beads on a strand but it’s one single piece instead of beads attached to a string. These, I admit, are more for anal novices then my more easily expandable bum, however if I squeezed I could feel them as KnyghtMare pulled them out slowly during sex. He said he could feel them during sex too.
Deadline: Thursday, December 17th, 2015, at 11:59 p.m. CST.

Winners will be chosen randomly by a computer based on entries in the widget below (the widget also has a landing page if that’s easier). Entry methods include following me on social media, referring your friends to this giveaway, blogging about the giveaway, subscribing to the site, etc. There are even a few every day entry options, so make sure you keep coming back to boost your chances!

Enter below or visit the giveaway’s landing page. Thanks again to JT’s Stockroom for donating!

Restrictions:

All winners must be 18+. You are required to enter your birthdate to enter for validation.
Winners will have 48 hours to respond to emails, or their prize will be forfeited. So make sure you enter with an email address you check A LOT!
This giveaway is open Internationally. Prizes are NOT guaranteed to arrive by Christmas. Customs may delay International arrival.
Giveaway ends at 11:59 p.m. CST on Thursday December 17th, 2015.

Vibe Rite Personal Massager Giveaway

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Weekend Giveaway: Fantasy Gag by Tantus (1 Winner)
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Published on December 03, 2015 07:10

December 2, 2015

Ask lunaKM – Online Submissive Without Direction

I’ve met a man on- line whom says I’m a sub and wants me to be a sub. He sends me info to read, but everyone has a different point of view. I have a job I enjoy and my kids are grown. I don’t mind being controlled in the bedroom…..I like making my own choices. He has me doing things over the phone (Skype) that I enjoy, but I never see him. It would be easier if I knew exactly what he wanted. But all he tells me is to do my research. I have no clue what I’m doing and if I don’t word it right he gets upset. I don’t know what to do? How do submit yourself to someone you’ve never been with??

Hi there,

Playing online can be fun and it seems you are enjoying your exchanges with this man. But as with many online relationships, they are not as clear since you don’t get any nonverbal cues to conversation as you would in a face to face relationship. I’m going to try to cover your concerns as best as I can.

At first read I wanted to tell you this guy isn’t a Dominant. It sounds more like he wants to just get his enjoyment of you and then move on. I get that indication from him not telling you what he wants and instead telling you to go read and research. This isn’t like a one way lifestyle. You’ve seen that in your reading. Everyone has a different opinion and a different way to answer the questions that they have. Even here on this site you’ll find different opinions on the same topic. If he can’t tell you what he expects of you then he’s not really sure of himself, or he’s inexperienced, or as I said above, he’s not a Dominant; he just plays one on Skype.

What do you do? You confront him and ask him for better communication, for clearer directions and to stop telling you to research it instead of getting the answer straight from him. This will be a test of sorts too if he’s interested in being Dominant at all then he’ll learn to communicate better and give you what you need, but if he’s just a bossy dick then he’ll likely run for the hills.

If you choose to continue to explore submission online, you’ll encounter false Dominants a lot unfortunately. Submitting without face to face interaction is taxing for many and they choose to leave that behind for the physical relationships soon enough. When I was exploring online I got to a point that it just wasn’t enough anymore and started going out on dates and going to BDSM groups. It changed my world. If that’s possible for you too, you might want to consider looking for a group in your area.

Good luck, and I hope this guy learns how to be a Dominant for you and you get the direction you desire.

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on December 02, 2015 07:00

December 1, 2015

Book Review: Slave-ography by Slave Patrick

Awhile ago, I did a book review on Michael Makai’s The Warrior Princess Submissive and had a couple of male s-types and I replied to one of their comments saying something along the lines how I wish there was a book similar to The Warrior Princess Submissive for the male s-types. There are tons of books and blogs, and whatever else out there geared towards female s-types, but not so much for the guys. I had completely forgotten I had added Slave-ography: Serving Jack Rinella to my reading list until I found myself scrolling through my Amazon wishlist for books. When I saw it, I picked it up(thank you Kindle Unlimited!)and spent the weekend reading it and thoroughly enjoyed reading it as well. While this book isn’t like The Warrior Princess Submissive or any other how to book about the BDSM lifestyle, it’s still well worth reading, especially if you’re a male s-type.

Slave-ography is the journal of Slave Patrick, who is Jack Rinella’s slave. This journal was kept by Patrick during his first year of contractual slavery to Rinella and it covers everything from how they met, Patrick’s past relationships, how he fit in with the large leather family dynamic that Rinella was involved in at that time and the relationships he had with the other family members, Patrick’s feelings on certain topics and comments, as well as some articles written by Jack Rinella during this time.

Even though Patrick is a gay slave, his sexual orientation has nothing to do with his mindset as a slave and it was so interesting to read his journal from beginning to end and to see how much Patrick had grown as a slave and how his mindset about things had changed. Reading this book is very much like seeing a flower over time starting to bloom and show its full potential. I also loved reading about how Slave Patrick, who is not at all a masochist, learned how to deal with receiving pain from his sadist master. I did a lot of highlighting while I was reading because there are so many great thought provoking quotes that caught my attention.

I consider this book one that any s-type should pick up. There is a lot of knowledge to be gained from reading this book and if you are a male s-type, I can’t suggest enough to read this book. It’s great to see a male’s perspective on what it means to be a slave.

You can get a copy of Slave-ography: Serving Jack Rinella on Amazon in ebook and paperback.

Book Information:

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10
Paperback: 394 Pages
Publisher: Rinella Editorial Services (October 11, 2012)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0940267314

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Published on December 01, 2015 07:00

November 30, 2015

Holiday Gift Guide: 15 Toys and Tools for Beginning Dominants

When it comes time to shop for your Dominant partner and you have toys on the brain, what should you get? Are there things out there that are better than the rest and will not only please him, but give you a bit of fun in the end?

Here’s my list of 15 toys, tools and equipment that every beginning Dominant would love to open on Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate)!

Deluxe Lined Wrist and Ankle Cuffs ($50-70)

Every good Dominant needs a good looking and durable set of cuffs and you’ll be thankful for their comfort! Made of 100% genuine leather and offered in a variety of colors and buckle styles to suit your every preference. KnyghtMare bought our set 10 years ago and they are still in great shape, even with our heavy use. Available at BDSM-Gear.com

3-Ring Slave Collar w/ Locking Buckle ($59)

This high quality black leather collar is perfect for play when you want to really convey who is in charge! Lined in garment leather to protect the tender throat, makes it comfortable, attractive and highly functional! A locking roller buckle accepts a padlock but doesn’t need one to stay closed. Adjustst to fit a 13 1/2″ to 18″ neck. Available at JT’s Stockroom.

Strict Leather Black Fleece Lined Blindfold ($14)

What’s better than a blindfold that looks great even if you can’t see? This form fitting blindfold has an elastic strap the secures nicely and blocks out all light. What more could you want? Available from ExtremeRestraints.com

Silicone Bit Gag ($32)

Does your Dominant prefer silence? Maybe they have a penchant for drool? Anyway a big gag is more comfortable for longer wear and easier on smaller mouths. Also this gag is entirely washable. With adjustable straps it will fit most wearers and has a locking clasp if you wish to use a padlock. You’ll find this to be the perfect all-around accessory for your restraint needs. Available at JT’s Stockroom.

Imprint Spanking Paddle ($9-11)

Actions speak louder than words… but in this case, you’ll send a pretty loud message! Each of these paddles has a sexy word in reverse so that it leaves a clear imprint on the skin. Made of stitched leather with a firm but flexible core it is sure to leave a mark…. or two. Words currently available are Bitch, Slut, Whore and XOXO. Available at ExtremeRestraints.com.

Red-Tipped Tweezer Clamps ($24)

A tantalizing tug on these tweezer clamps will make sure your attention is right where it needs to be. They are made of stainless steel and rubber tipped. Tweezer clamps are less scary then the other clamps because they are adjustable and you can apply a little or a lot of pressure, depending on what those little buds deserve. You know you want a pair. Available at JT’s Stockroom.

Red Leather Riding Crop ($24)

Impact play is an integral part of your beginning experiences in BDSM. Why not try out your very first crop! This one is red leather that is stylish and functional. A braided, sturdy handle allows you to control the crop during play. You can find riding crops in tack shops and some pet stores, but get one that’s quality! This one is available at ExtremeRestraints.com.

VibeRight Personal Massager ($45)

When Hitachi stopped making their amazing personal massager, a lot of companies have tried to make similar machines. This Kink Lab version has 7 speeds and is cordless. A single charge lasts up to 40 minutes! It has attachments sold separately to make it a multi-orgasmic toy. You don’t want to go without one in your toybox! Available at JT’s Stockroom.

Wax Play Pitcher Candles – Low Temp Unscented Candles ($17-20)

What’s more erotic and good messy fun than wax play! Use the 100% paraffin wax candles and you won’t have to worry about burns. KnyghtMare and I have stepped up to crock pots and ladles but nothing beats pouring wax out of a pitcher onto the body. Create lovely pictures or tease sensitive areas. Available from AgreeableAgony on Etsy (handmade item, allow for production and shipping).

System Jo H2O Water Based Libricant ($9-35)

No sexual encounter, kinky or otherwise can go without having lube on hand. Sometimes it’s a necessity! This is my all-time favorite lube. It’s water based but feels like a silicone, doesn’t dry up or get sticky and won’t stain your sheets! I’ve used this stuff for years and prefer this over anything else I’ve tried. Good for anal and fisting too. Available at Amazon.com.

KinkLab BedSpread Under Bed Bondage Straps ($40)

Quickly and easily transform your ordinary bed into a kinky den of delights with this set of high quality bondage straps. This has been on my wishlist for years! They allow for full teasing, pleasing, and exploration while your partner is held firmly in place – right where you want them! Available at JT’s Stockroom. Cuffs not included.

Handmade Hemp Rope ($35+)

The most trusted name in bondage rope is Twisted Monk. Monk is an amazing rope maker and the rope from there is amazing. Your Dominant partner will love the feel of it in their hands you will love feeling it on your skin.Pick up a rope kit that is fully conditioned and vegan. Available at Twisted Monk.

Blue Devil Leather Flogger ($50)

This is an exquisite flogger! The generous cascade of blue falls encircled by black ones is lovely and stylish. It has a modern, minimalist handle made from polypropylene. The falls are soft Italian upholstery leather and is perfect for a beginner Dom’s tool box and for a novice submissive’s first experience. Made by Dragontailz, this flogger comes with a limited lifetime warranty so you know you are buying quality. Available at JT’s Stockroom.

Liberator Fascinator Throe Moisture-Resistant Sex Blanket ($180)

This is a miracle blanket. It’s designed to absorb fluids, such as those from sex and play. No more wet spot! It’s a double-sided velvish fabric that is heavyweight and doesn’t slip around. It comes with a carry case to keep to clean in between uses, but you are going to want to keep this close at hand, trust me! Available on Amazon.com.

KinkAcademy.com Membership ($20/mo.)

No gift is complete without the education to help you and your partner learn how to use the new toys! Head over to KinkAcademy and pick up a membership that I’m sure you’ll enjoy for a long time to come. I’ve been a member for several years now and enjoy watching videos and learning from highly respected members of the community and leaders in the field of kink. Sign up Now!

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Published on November 30, 2015 07:00

November 29, 2015

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

It appears I’ll be just over 30K words for Nanowrimo! That’s pretty darned good for me. Sure the novel goal is 50K words, but as long as I never gave up I’m happy with the amount of content that I have in drafts for Submissive Guide’s near future!

Don’t forget you can get all Submissive Ebooks for 25% off for 2 more days to help support my efforts.

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

none

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Submitting when Physically and Emotionally Exhausted

I work as a veterinary assistant which is both physically and emotionally challenging to the point that when I come home, I’m completely exhausted. I find it very hard to serve myDominant when this happens. I’m just so worn out from working–I lift (sometimes wrestle!) animals all day, I’m involved in a very fast-paced job that also requires intense mental astuteness. Plus, I’m working with patients that I’m often emotionally invested in. When Sir comes home, he of course expects obedience and service, but sometimes I’m just so exhausted that it’s a feat to not just go to bed! I’m trying very hard, but we both feel that we’re walking a very fine line in trying to keep up the D/s dynamic during these times. Do you have advice?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Ask lunaKM – What are you punished for?
In 2013: 30 Days of Submission: Day 29 – BDSM in the Relationship
In 2012: Learning About BDSM on YouTube.com
In 2011: Overcoming Frustration and Anger
In 2010: Review: Carrie’s Story

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What would people not know or guess about you?
How is your reality of slavery different from popular fictional/fantasy/mythical portrayals of slavery?
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. What are you going to do to make sure you are safe and the women in your life know to do monthly self-exams?
Do you live your D/s in secret?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – People of Kink

TPOK 158 – Deity

29 Nov 2015, 6:00am GMT

→ The People of Kink

Deity is someone who enjoys the control aspects of BDSM. He likes to be in control of as much as possible and that takes finding the kind of sub/slave that enjoys exactly the same thing. Now married to his partner he has total control and they are happily exploring all aspects of their kink….as long as he is control. :)

MP3 audio (88MB, 64min)

Podcast RSS

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Published on November 29, 2015 10:00

November 27, 2015

The Sex Toy That Dominates

or How a goody-goody girl found her kink and founded a sex toy company

This is a sponsored post by Alexandra Ars.

If you’re a Submissive looking to create or expand your play-party toybag, if you’re practicing submission as a single person, if you and your partner are looking for a new way to push the limits, there’s a new sex toy in town packing enough power to blast you into orbit, and I’d like to introduce you.

The X2 Orgasmatron is a rumbly toy with Sybian-level strength, designed to stimulate your entire clitoris – not just the exterior, visible clit that we are the most familiar with, but also the vast structure of sensitive nerves extending up inside the pelvis. Erika Moen, in her illustrated review of version one of the Orgasmatron said,

“Regular readers will recall that my usual complaint against a toy is that its vibrations are not strong enough. In the Orgasmatron, I have finally met my match. While this beast is too much of a cunt puncher for my delicate garden, I think it would be a most excellent toy for you, dearest perverts, who like things rough and tumble, who want to test the limits of your genitals.”

In addition to giving you a real “rumble in your jungle”, the X2 is a convenient and affordable toy too. Even though it has the oomph of a huge sex machine, due to some sexy physics, it’s small enough to hold in your hand and carry in your toybag. And it costs hundreds of dollars less than other toys of the same power caliber!

Now, before I say more, I want to take a moment to show my hand, to present the naked truth, if you will. I am a co-founder of Orgasmatronics, the sex tech company that invented and manufactures the X2 Orgasmatron. So yes, I do have a bias here. You may be familiar with the ads I run on Submissive Guide. For me, this is business. But I wouldn’t be running a sex toy company and selling this toy in particular, if it were not also very personal. I’d like to share a bit of my journey from goody-goody girl to kinky switch, and explain why I recommend the X2 Orgasmaton for your BDSM play.

Growing up, any discussion of sex centered on its sinfulness outside of marriage. I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 23 years old and even then, I knew very little about my sexuality. After several years of experimentation and several fantastic and patient partners that helped me overcome my sexual anxiety, I discovered that I am kinky! I like powerful stimulation, nearly painful at times. I like D/s play, especially being dominated and held at the torturous precipice of orgasm. The magic wand revolutionized my sex life as it has for many women, and I still love it when my partner binds my hands and drives me crazy with the wand vibrator. But as I pushed my own limits, I noticed a dismaying phenomenon: the longer the wand vibrated against my clit, the more numb the skin became. I couldn’t experience the intensity I craved from orgasm denial due to the numbing the wand caused.

That’s about the time I was introduced to the prototype of an experimental, gyrating sex toy known then as the X1 Orgasmatron. Doctor X. Treme asked me if I would like to partner with him to bring the toy to the world, but before I could commit, I had to make sure I loved the product. Little did I know that I was about to experience my second sex toy revolution and find a solution to the wand problem. Using the X1 continuously for 30-45 minutes steadily increased arousal without numbing. I was playing alone that day, but practicing submission none the less. I hung at the precipice of orgasm and when I finally allowed myself to cum, I felt the orgasm burst through my whole body. It was a deep bliss like nothing I had ever experienced before.

That first encounter sold me on the X1, and I have no qualms about recommending the X2, a more durable version of the original with the same intense, gyrating motion that allowed me to deepen my exploration of my sexuality and submission.

So if you’re single and looking for new ways to satisfy your craving for seriously strong sensation, you may find that the X2 Orgasmatron does the trick. Orgasmatronics customer, Erin B. wrote a review of the X1 Orgasmatron entitled, “Subspace Achieved.” She said,

“I’ve never felt something so powerful. Within a few minutes I hit orgasm and then a few minutes later another came in a wave. I’ve never had an orgasm last more than a few wonderful seconds … I’m pretty sure the one I had with my X1 lasted for close to a full minute.”

I’ve also heard from people who have enjoyed the Orgasmatron in D/s sessions with their partners. A customer called Slave T. described this experience.

“O my god! Is all I can say about this orgasm exploding machine. My mistress recently bought this and with no warning planted it deeply and firmly up my ass. She set it to high and I was instantly cumming. It packs such and intense wallop, it’s nothing like I’ve ever had before and cannot wait till my next day with her. She plans on leaving it tied in me, and just letting me cum for hours. I can’t say I’m not looking forward to it.”

I’m thrilled to be a part of this community! As a relative newbie to BDSM, I’ve benefited from the vast knowledge available on Submissive Guide, and I’m excited to have the opportunity to give back. Orgasmatronics is offering a 25% Black Friday discount on the X2 Orgasmatron today through November 30 for Submissive Guide readers. Happy orgasming, all!

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Published on November 27, 2015 07:00

November 25, 2015

Ask lunaKM – Submitting when Physically and Emotionally Exhausted

I work as a veterinary assistant which is both physically and emotionally challenging to the point that when I come home, I’m completely exhausted. I find it very hard to serve my Dominant when this happens. I’m just so worn out from working–I lift (sometimes wrestle!) animals all day, I’m involved in a very fast-paced job that also requires intense mental astuteness. Plus, I’m working with patients that I’m often emotionally invested in. When Sir comes home, he of course expects obedience and service, but sometimes I’m just so exhausted that it’s a feat to not just go to bed! I’m trying very hard, but we both feel that we’re walking a very fine line in trying to keep up the D/s dynamic during these times. Do you have advice?

Hi there,

I sympathize with your struggle. A lot of submissives work demanding jobs and then come home to submit. The challenge is that you are exhausted and need the down time in order to be able to serve. I do wonder if your Dominant is giving you the time to recover from your job before being demanding of your time.

If I assume that he’s not giving you the time to recover and expects obedience as soon as you walk in the door, then perhaps you should talk to him about needing a recovery moment; time to shower, change your clothing, rest for 15 minutes and try to take off the day. In that time you could take a quick nap, meditate or just shower the stress and fatigue to a more comfortable level. You could also work to put on a more submissive-forward mindset since working in a demanding job usually means you have to suppress the subservient side of you. Talk to your partner about your concerns, if they are observant they already know you are fatigued when you arrive home and would be willing to work around that for both you to get what you need.

Now, if he is giving you time to recover, and you are really asking me how can you be obedient and serve even though you are tired; then realizing that your partner does not think you are super-human and gives you leniency when you need it because they care for your well-being. Accept that there will be times you can not perform as you wish because your job demands more from you that day than others. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but we have to accept as submissives that we are not super-human and there are a lot of times we may need to take a step back and recover from whatever is overwhelming us. You can do it too.

I wish you luck,

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on November 25, 2015 07:00

November 22, 2015

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Week three of Nanowrimo was an amazing success. I did a ton of writing in the beginning of the week and then paid for it at the end with my wrists screaming at me. I got 10K words written this week! I’m hoping for a similar amount this next week. This weekend I took a wrist break to allow them to heal and the inflammation to go down but I’ll be right back at it again tomorrow.

Don’t forget you can get all Submissive Ebooks for 25% off this month to help support my efforts.

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

kallista’s week long series on Self-Esteem Through Grooming:

Build Self-Esteem through Grooming Rituals: Series Intro
Self-Esteem Through Grooming Part 1: Skin Care
Self-Esteem Through Grooming Part 2: Hair
Self-Esteem Through Grooming Part 3: Nail Care
Self-Esteem Through Grooming Part 4: Diet & Exercise
Self-Esteem/Grooming Series Concludes: Accepting Comments and Compliments

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

none

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: How to Keep a Cool Head When You Get Angry With Your Dominant
In 2013: 30 Days of Submission: Day 22 – Submission without Domination, is it possible?
In 2012: Solo Coaching – Glass Half Empty or Half Full: Working on a Positive Point of View
In 2011: Altered Submissive Speech – Thoughts and Ideas
In 2010: Some Gems of Simply Service

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Recent Journal Prompts

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Are you a patient person? Can patience be learned?
How did you discover you could be fulfilled in service to another? How did you know to pursue it?
“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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Featured Podcast of the Week – KinkyCast

Episode 95 – Mental Health & BDSM with Master Paddy (Dr. Patrick Faircloth)

20 Nov 2015, 1:47pm GMT

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Hey, wanna know something? Listen to this podcast. This week’s guest really made us think about our roles and orientation in the world of kinkdom. Dr. Patrick Faircloth is a certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, is a Licensed Professional Counselor, has a Ph.D. in Counseling, and is an Assistant Professor! Join us and for the next hour you will learn something about yourself, I know we at the studio sure did! Go to the main KinkyCast.com page for links about the subjects covered on todays cast.

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Published on November 22, 2015 10:00

November 21, 2015

Self-Esteem/Grooming Series Concludes: Accepting Comments and Compliments

At the beginning of the series, I addressed the idea that the final layer of the way we perceive ourselves is a product of how others perceive us. Although the focus of the series technically is building routines around grooming and health to maintain your own self-image, it would be unfair to ignore what I consider to be an integral part in building your self-esteem: the way that people respond to us.

The way we interact with the people around us will greatly impact how those individuals will interpret our attitudes and appearances. In addition to being able to influence others perceptions of ourselves, we also maintain the ability to encourage or dissuade the way that people express those interpretations. Simply put, our ability to graciously accept compliments, and to positively disregard negative comments, can tailor the way that people interact with us. For the sake of neatness, I’m labeling this as part of the “health” aspect of building your self-esteem, though unlike the rest of the articles, it does fall squarely into the psychological field rather than the physical.

In addition, this is the part of the series that is going to take the most practice to implement into your life, and I would recommend that you reach out to good friends who can give you feedback on your current attitude and behavior to form a baseline so that you can know what needs to be changed. You can follow up with your friends periodically to see if they note any changes, or to help direct you in certain situations where you aren’t sure how to proceed.

Humble, Prideful, and Arrogant: finding the balance to create your baseline.

Think of behavioral traits as a sliding scale. On the low end of the scale, you have what I like to call a “depressed” trait—a trait with a negative connotation. Since we’re talking about self-esteem, let’s create an example and call the depressed trait, “Depreciation.” On the high end of the scale, we have what I like to call a “manic” trait: something that goes so far passed what we would consider positive that it becomes a separate, negative, characteristic. Somewhere in the middle, we have a safe range, and your reactions to certain situations should slide up and down the scale within that safe range as it suits. For our example, we have the safe ranges of humility and pride as shown below:

This same scale can be applied to a vast number of traits: uncertainty vs. confidence vs. aggression; non-comittal vs. steadfast vs. obstinate; dismissive vs. gracious, vs. self-indulgent; etc.

When interacting with other people, we want to make sure that we’re staying somewhere in the green. This will ensure that our actions and reactions will stay as positive in the eyes of others as possible, and lets the people around us know what behavior is appropriate or inappropriate to continue while we’re around. To bring it back to the purpose of the series: we want to make sure that we are keeping ourselves open to complimentary remarks made by others, which will allow us to lay the exterior shell of our body image.

How to Accept Compliments

Returning to the example bar above, let’s say that someone pays you a compliment. It can be for anything that you’ve accomplished, really, but for the sake of neatness, let’s say that someone has complimented you on your appearance.

Immediately, two things are happening: the first is your internal, emotional reaction to the compliment. Do you agree? Do you disagree? Do you feel proud? Ashamed? Happy with yourself, or disappointed? The second thing that’s happening is your physical/vocal reaction. The first definitely influences the second, but it’s the second that is going to have the most permanent outcome on your relationship with the individual complimenting you. We’re going to focus on the external response first:

If you aren’t used to receiving compliments, responding to them can be overwhelming. How do you thank someone if you don’t particularly agree with them? How do you thank someone if you do, but you don’t want to sound like you’re bragging? The answer is actually to keep your response simple and positive (but not overbearing). The idea is to be gracious, and to show the person that you appreciate what they’ve said, regardless of what’s happening internally.

If you’ve been complimented by a stranger in passing, a smile and a quick, “Hey, thanks!” is really all you need. This shows that you’re willing to engage with the person, that you’re open to the environment around you, and that you’re a positive individual.

Ironically, accepting compliments from strangers is often times a lot easier than accepting them from friends and family. Strangers don’t carry the baggage of friendship, and if a stranger isn’t impressed by you in some way, he’s probably just going to ignore you as he goes about his business. Friends, loved ones, family members, all carry social obligations, however, and it can be difficult taking compliments to heart when you’re worrying about whether or not they’re sincere.

Again, simplicity is best. A smile and a thank you really can’t go amiss. If you’ve been complimented on your outfit, you can add something about where you’ve bought it, or what drew you to buy it (“Thanks; I love butterflies, so when I saw a scarf with a butterfly pattern, I couldn’t resist.”). Again, the positive reaction shows that you’re willing to engage, that you’re okay with accepting compliments.

This is, of course, where it gets tricky. Your immediate, internal reaction to the compliment can occasionally put a negative spin on your ability to be gracious about the compliment you’ve been given. This is especially true when you disagree with someone, or if you tend to have a hard time believing that the compliment you’ve been given is sincere.

If you find yourself in that situation, as we all occasionally do, try to fall back onto etiquette and simplicity: assume that the person is being sincere. If you disagree with the compliment, it doesn’t matter whether or not they have anterior motives for complimenting you, so assume they’re being sincere, and that they genuinely admire whatever you’ve been complimented on. Try not to argue with the person, correct them, or undermine the compliment. Stay away from phrases like, “Thanks, but…” If you can’t think of anything to say after, “Thank you,” then stop there. Again, a very simple, “Thanks, I appreciate that,” really can’t go amiss.

On the other hand, a manic reaction can equally dissuade people from paying you repeated compliments. There’s a fine line between an anecdotal response and dragging a person along on a full length reenactment of whatever brought you to that moment in time. Sometimes, “That dress looks good on you,” is a passing remark, rather than an invitation to talk about specifically about you and your dress. People like to know that they can play as equal a role in the conversation as the person they’re speaking to. They like to know that they’re going to get a chance to tell their own stories and receive their own compliments; if your response to every compliment that you receive is to respond at length about how you’re so very proud of yourself, or how you really struggled to accomplish something, people will generally get bored of conversing with you relatively quickly. Again, the way that you can negate this is to keep your responses simple and polite; if the person telling you that you look great in your dress wants to know where you got it, or how you did that cool thing to your hair, he or she will generally follow up the compliment with a question prompting you to explain.

Once you’ve established that the person is genuinely interested in furthering the topic of your dress or your hair, of course, all is fair in love and war, and you’re welcome to chat away about your experiences guilt free—but make sure that you return the favour by listening to the person you’re speaking to, that you ask questions, and give them the opportunity to talk about themselves.

What Happens When You’re In the Red

Whether you disagree entirely or agree wholeheartedly, expressing a depressed or manic reaction to a compliment can substantially affect the likelihood of receiving another compliment from the same person a second or third time.

A depressed reaction, (“Thanks, but not really.” Or “Well compared to so-and-so…”) immediately communicates to the person complimenting you that he or she has wasted breath and time. People rarely compliment other people unless they have something to compliment them on, and on the off chance that someone has struggled to find something nice to say about you, a response that dismisses their comment immediately negates all desire to go out of their way to form a positive connection with you. Meanwhile, repeatedly expressing your disagreement or doubt in the validity of compliments given by individuals who wish to pay you sincere admiration is basically, repeatedly, telling the person complimenting you that his or her opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest. After a couple of times of being disagreed with, people simply won’t bother communicating with you anymore. And why should they? There are a lot of people that they can compliment who won’t argue with them about whether or not their opinion of them is correct.

Manic reactions to compliments are just as tedious as depressed reactions. If you make a habit of turning every compliment that you receive into The Story of You and Your Accomplishments, people are going to get bored of talking to you. They’ll see their compliments as “just another thing to blow up his/her already enormous ego,” and either avoid giving you compliments all together, or very begrudgingly bestow them on you while engaging as little as possible in the following conversation.

Rejecting a Negative Comment

Knowing how to accept compliments is important, but understanding how to respond to negative comments or back-handed compliments is important, too. Just like responding appropriately to a compliment, your reaction can either encourage or discourage negative remarks. The goal is obviously to dissuade in this instance, but the method doesn’t differ substantially. The old “I’m the rubber, you’re the glue,” nursery rhyme doesn’t exactly apply in these cases, but there’s definitely an adult adaptation that can come in handy if someone’s decided to make you his or her own personal target.

Again, your internal and external reactions are going to differ greatly at times. We all have our tender spots, and our ability to disassociate from negative comments is going to be directly related to how closely the comment hit our areas of low self-esteem. It takes a lot of hard work to feel emotionally stable when you feel like you’ve been insulted, or when your feelings have been hurt by careless comments, but knowing how to handle them with grace externally can at least negate the frequency of the comments themselves until you’re internally stable enough to deal with them when they come your way.

It’s difficult to continue to pick at someone who maintains a positive outward appearance. We all have our ways of dealing with conflict and with standing up for ourselves, and sticking to what we’re comfortable with isn’t necessarily in the wrong, but if you find that your methods really aren’t working, it’s very easy to become frustrated and to let the hurtful comments of a few break down our framework and foundation. It’s difficult for me to anticipate what would be hurtful to the majority of people that wouldn’t be directly insulting, and it’s difficult for me to give advice without having specific scenarios, but what I can say with certainty is that the personality traits we have work on a sliding bar for a reason. If someone is trying to bring you down purposefully, tailoring your response so that it’s closer to the manic side of the spectrum to balance them out is completely acceptable. If someone has said something to accidentally hurt your feelings, however, a more gentle approach, like redirecting the topic, or even simply stating, “I wish you hadn’t worded that statement that way,” can be effective, too.

From a spiritual perspective, grace is the ability to move passed the oversights and missteps of others. Thus, part of being gracious when interacting with others is the ability to do just that. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t acknowledge when someone has hurt your feelings, but rather that you should be able to explain to them why what was said had an impact on you, and then to follow that up with the wiliness to trust that they will refrain from making similar comments in the future. Call it taking the high road if you want to, but remember that you need to maintain a balance in the expression of yourself. Don’t be aggressive or a bully, but also do make sure that you are speaking up and letting people know when they’ve upset you. Knowledge is power, and knowing that you’re willing to call someone out when they’ve upset you will keep the malicious from picking on you, and the careless from unknowingly hurting your feelings by repeating their actions.

Using Compliments Appropriately

Remember that the idea isn’t that we should be dependent on hearing the compliments that people give us, but rather that we should be using the compliments we receive as a reinforcement for the positive self-image that we are building and maintaining. The difference is that if you focus on the former (the reception of compliments) without engaging in the latter, you’re essentially collecting tiles without putting them on the walls. You have them, and you know they’re there, but you don’t get to enjoy them, because you aren’t using them. If you follow up with the latter, however, you’re not only hearing the compliments that you receive, but accepting them, and making them a part of yourself. By putting the tiles on the walls, you’re making them a part of the building; you get to look at yourself and enjoy the idea that people see positive things about you, and you get to take those positive images with you.

It’s easiest to do this when you’ve worked hard to maintain your appearance. Even though it might feel like you’re focusing on superficial things like your hair and nails, ultimately our views of ourselves are founded as much on the remarks that people make about us as they are on the way we see ourselves. Giving ourselves something to be proud of, and working on aspects of our appearances might not suddenly turn us into movie stars, but what it does give us is the foundation and framework—the ability—to accept the compliments that people give us. Someone noticing that your skin has a healthy glow, or that your hair looks particularly well managed is an event that can immediately fortified with the knowledge that you look good because you worked to look good. For those of us who have a hard time accepting compliments that we feel we haven’t earned, the knowledge that you’ve put effort into taking care of yourself is sometimes the difference between dismissing a compliment and graciously, and sincerely, accepting.

Concluding thoughts:

Creating a ritualistic routine, either solo or with your Dom(me) as you take care of each aspect of your appearance is a good way to find a mental safe place; it can take you back to the core of who you are, to help you discover what you’re most proud of, and to build your foundation on that. You may find, after all, that you have no interest in taking care of your nails to the degree I’ve covered in the series, but that an advanced skin routine in the evening is a cathartic end to your day; you may likewise find that, because you keep your hair short, you’re not as interested in its upkeep as you are in the upkeep of your nails. You can tailor each of these things to your own personal preferences, and you can use the routines as the physical counterpoint to your mental self-worth exercises as you develop the foundation and framework for developing a healthy sense of self-esteem and a positive body image.

Until next time,

Kallista

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Published on November 21, 2015 07:00

November 20, 2015

Self-Esteem Through Grooming Part 4: Diet & Exercise

This was probably the trickiest piece to add to the series. None of this is actually meant to be soapboxing, but because body image is such a hot-button topic, it was difficult to keep this short, effective, and yet general enough that I’m not trying to dictate the way that people should eat and exercise without ever having met them. Please remember that I am a teacher, not a doctor, not a nutritionist, and you should talk to both before you engage in any sort of serious changes in your lifestyle.

The Goal Here:

About the only thing that people seem to agree on right now is that there is a healthy way to live, and there is an unhealthy way to live. Agreeing on the terms and conditions of each is a totally separate story, so the goal, as always, is to get you thinking not about whether or not you should be eating and exercising like you’re preparing for the Olympics or the red carpet, but rather on what sort of lifestyle makes you feel best about yourself, inside and out.

How Eating and Exercise Impact Your Self-Esteem

To put it simply, feeling good about what you’re putting in to your body and the performance you’re getting out of your body is a vital aspect of feeling good about who you are. If you’re constantly tired, hungry, over-fed, unable to perform tasks that you feel should be simple for you, you’re not going to be able to recognize even your best physical qualities. By making sure that what you eat makes you feel good, you can ensure that you’re also going to be in a mindset where you can utilize your body to the best of its capabilities. People who have healthy diets and exercise regularly tend to be positive people for the simple fact that exercise releases endorphins, which, as we learned in Legally Blonde, make people happy.

Healthy Eating

Modern, first world societies, tend to use eating in a plethora of inappropriate ways. We eat for comfort, we eat to alleviate boredom, we eat to socialize, we eat to indulge our cravings, and because the food tastes so gosh darn good. Right, wrong, or indifferent, our societies and families usually build themselves around cuisine—to the point where partaking in a meal in books and visual media tends to be an incredibly symbolic, strategic method of storytelling.

But how does that tie into the way you feel about yourself?

Depending on what you’re eating and how much you’re eating, your body can suffer some serious flack, and I’m not talking about gaining extra pounds around the middle. Remember that everything you eat is something that your body has to deal with later. There’s no such thing as “carbless waffles on the grounds of it being a special location.” Your body really doesn’t care if it’s Christmas and you only get waffles once a year, it still has to deal with the waffles you ate. That’s not to say that you should abstain from waffles, or abstain from any food, really, unless you want to, but rather to remind you to be aware of what you’re putting into your body. Your hair, nails, and skin can all be affected by a surplus or lack of vitamins and minerals, and your mood, cognitive abilities, and energy levels, can be as equally affected by your diet as your weight and muscle mass.

If you’re looking to renovate your dietary habits, the best thing for you to do (after you’ve spoken to a doctor or a nutritionist) is to just pay attention to what you’re eating and how much you’re eating it. If there are certain meals that just leave you feeling hungry or unsatisfied, don’t bother eating them; if there are meals that stay with you for hours afterwards, and make you feel bloated and gross, avoid that, too. If these are special treats, make sure they stay special treats rather than making them a staple of your diet. Focus on foods that make you feel energetic, that fill you without slowing you down or gumming up your digestive track. A healthy diet will vary from person to person. Some people can need large quantities of protein, and do better on a diet that focuses on all kinds of meat. Some people have a problem digesting red meat, and may prefer fish and chicken, or a veggie-based diet. Some people have fast metabolisms and need complex carbs like pasta and grains to keep them going, others metabolize slower, and would feel sluggish or unwell after eating too many potatoes. Listen to your body, not your taste buds, to develop a foundation for what is healthy for you, and then work from there.

The only thing, diet wise, that I will outright recommend is to drink water. I know very few people, including myself, who drink enough water throughout the day. But water is incredibly important to helping you flush your system and to keeping your body healthy. So drink water; I tend to carry a water bottle with a little filter in it wherever I go. Holding it reminds me that I need to drink it, and I usually finish one or two refills a day without really thinking about it. Try to remember that if you’re thirsty, you’re already dehydrated.

Being Active

I hate exercise. I used to tell my students that the only time that I run is when there’s a gun behind me or money in front of me. Exerting myself is not something that I particularly enjoy doing, and it’s not something that makes me feel good. I am, however, an incredibly active individual. I practice yoga in 20 minute increments, I go for walks, I park at the back of parking lots and take the stairs; I walk in small circles for roughly 6 hours straight at work. These are small things that are within my capabilities. The goal for me isn’t necessarily to burn calories, but to keep my body moving, my muscles active, my joints from going stiff. I have a really difficult time focusing on tasks and staying interested in exercise routines, but the point is that I keep myself moving throughout the day.

It’s not really important how you stay active, but rather just that you are active. If you’re a high energy person, you may find that incorporating more traditional forms of exercise like cardio and strength training into your routine are beneficial; if not, you may find that just doing your daily chores and walking around the house or the grocery store is enough for you. If you’re looking to lose weight, gain weight, maintain your weight, your routine can be easily adjusted based on your preferences, but making sure that you utilize your body to the best of your abilities on a daily basis will do wonders for your mood, and greatly impact your self-esteem. People with desk jobs especially struggle with this, and I’m really lucky that I have a job that allows me to get up and move around a lot. For people who work at home or who run the household for their Doms, it can be difficult to remind ourselves to get up and move around. I’ve found one of the best methods to making sure that I don’t stay stationary for too long is by integrating the Pomodoro technique (I’ve written an article about it which I’ll link below), and alternating between stationary tasks and physical tasks. Mind you, a physical task can include something as simple as hanging clothes to dry, or tidying up the kitchen, or it can be something as strenuous as (begrudgingly) going for a run down the road and back, or doing a yoga routine. It depends on what my capabilities and interests are that day, and what I need to do around the house, and it should probably fluctuate for you as well, depending on what you feel you can and can’t do.

Ultimately, the Goal is to Feel Good

If you’re a person who loves exercise, go for it. If you’re a person who eats pasta and potatoes for every meal because it gives you the energy for it, do that too. Listen to your body and to what your body wants, and try to accommodate it the best that you can with tasks that sit within your capabilities. Focusing on things that make you feel good, and things that you can successfully accomplish, will do a lot more for your self-esteem in the long run than any amount of rigorous diet and exercise that you can impose upon yourself.

Remember that your goal is always to be as healthy as you can manage, and if you don’t already have a routine or habits in place work with your Dom to incorporate some. As with everything else you do, give your Dom the opportunity to be involved and to implement a sense of control over any new aspect of your life.

Until next time,

Kallista

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Published on November 20, 2015 07:00

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