Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 37

When You’re Only A Little Horny

Kinky sex requires for you to put a lot on the line. You are allowing someone to dominate you physically, emotionally, mentally, and in some situations, spiritually. Sometimes you may be 100% in the mood to be dominated, other times you may not. Sometimes you may want to have sex, sometimes you may not.

Important Note: You do not need to be in the mood to be dominated all the time, and you are allowed to communicate to your partner that you are not in the right frame of mind to participate in kinky activities. If you are being pressured into having sex, or a type of sex, then you are being assaulted.

Now, for me personally, sometimes I want to be horny, or I am physically horny but my mind isn’t into it. In these situations I have to find a work around to get myself where I personally want to be.

Consider Your Emotional Place

If you are participating in kinky sex, even if only now and then, all of your sexual experiences have that trust underlying it. Sometimes, if you are feeling vulnerable or sad you may not want to extend that trust. You may be horny and intending to have very vanilla sex, but there is something catching you emotionally. Maybe something came up today that you didn’t even realize bothered you, but put you in a state of compromised trust. Even your vanilla sex requires that you have that extra trust because at one point you have given your partner the liberty to tie you up, or spank you, or cut you, etc etc.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Do not chastise yourself or tell yourself what you “should” or “should not” feel. Let yourself feel it and work through it. Talk about it with your partner. Maybe you just need them to reassure you that they care about you and won’t hurt you. Maybe you need to bring up something that has been nagging at you.

Sex is an emotional experience and if you do not go into a sexual experience in the right mindset, you will not have a good time and sex will become emotionally trying and painful.

Dress For Success

There is something to be said for feeling sexy – it increases your confidence and when I feel sexy, I am more likely to feel sexual. This doesn’t mean I need to don leather or frilly lingerie. Just yesterday I put on a pair of converse, old jeans, and a flannel and I felt like the hottest girl in the world. Sometimes its sweatpants and a shirt with cutouts. Sometimes it is new underwear, or just high heels and jewelry, but the important thing is that I am dressing in what makes me feel sexy.

What makes you feel sexy might not seem like something that your partner will find super sexy. Do flannels and sneakers usually turn my partner on? Not necessarily, but my ‘hotter-than-hell’ attitude certainly does. My stinky gym clothes are not a turn on in and of themselves, but when I walk through the door dripping in sweat and feeling hot after a good run, you can bet that Chief will be pulling me into the bedroom within a few minutes.

Dress yourself up or down in any way that makes you feel sexy, it’ll get you closer to that frame of mind.

Figure Out What Type of Sex You Want

Sometimes the thought of penetration doesn’t turn me on. I simply do not want it in that minute and the thought of having sex that way simply doesn’t turn me on. So I end up sitting on the couch trying to figure out how I can be so horny and not want to have sex that way…

DUH, there are tons and tons of ways to have sex, not just penis in vagina! Maybe I want to give oral sex, or receive it. Maybe I want to try tantric sex today. Maybe I want to be fingered. Maybe I want to be tied up and kissed or licked.

There are so many variations of sexual activities, but too often we fall into the trap that sex is relegated to only ‘traditional sex’. Make sure that you are considering all your options. When you suddenly think of anal sex, you might realize that is exactly what you want and be ready to go.

Get Into It

I’ve read a few academic articles on the fact that there is an element of ‘fake it til you make it’ in sex, especially with women. I have experienced it too. I will be pretty ho-hum about sex, start to kiss Chief, moan a little and then suddenly I am super turned on. Moaning, and hearing yourself moan, is one of the things that women report turn them on.

Don’t force yourself to have sex if you do not want it, but if you’re kind of feeling it, give it a whirl. You might realize that making out did turn you on, giving oral sex did turn you on. And if part way through, you’re still not feeling it – it’s okay to stop. Your partner will survive. If they feel that they really need to finish what you started, send them to the bathroom to finish it themselves. It’s not mean, it’s a way for you both to have your needs met.

Give Yourself Time

Sometimes there may be a time limit on when you can have sex with someone – they have to leave by 6 to make a meeting or something else of that nature, but in general, you do not need to have sex right in that moment. Sometimes if you are feeling horny, but not into sex enough to do it in that moment, giving yourself a little time to acclimate to the situation and process what you want and need. Take the time and don’t try to rush yourself too hard.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 18, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Overcoming the Fear of Being Triggered to Open a Dialogue

Dear lunaKM,

In a nutshell, my question is, how do I know if my masochistic tendencies come from a safe place? My Dom and I have both struggled with mental illness , and as such he has never felt comfortable with anything rougher than biting or hair pulling. However, we have never really talked about it. I would like to open up a dialogue about this, but I fear- as, i have a feeling, does he- that it might trigger me. I also fear that it could trigger him. But I don’t want to leave a stone unturned that could potentially lead to a great experience for both of us. What do you think?

Hello fear of triggers,

Mental illness is a hard subject to deal with, so I’m going to do what I can to help you but I suggest you get some professional help as well if you don’t already. I am not a professional so don’t take what I am about to say as the only answer or the answer that will definitely work. Just use it to work through your own thought process (with a professional).

Often, masochism can have roots that are not from a healthy place. What identifies them is that they only come to mind when you are feeling severe anxiety, depression or a need to escape. That is often where self-harm enters the picture. If you feel that your masochistic desires come from a dark place like that, you definitely should seek medical intervention. But, masochism that is a part of sexual exploration and preferences do not have a negative aspect to them. It’s more about positive feelings, pleasures and enjoyment. Masochism in this instance is a happy experience.

Rayne has written a few posts on dealing with mental health issues in a BDSM and D/s relationship that could shed some light on specific concerns you may have. Here’s the links to her series.

Kink and Mental Health: The Background
Kink and Mental Health: Real Emotion v. Mental Illness
Kink and Mental Health: Can “sub drop” be a trigger?
Kink and Mental Health: The Ethics and Legality of Consent
Kink and Mental Health: Temporary Relief

I understand your fears of triggering and not wanting to talk about it for fear you will trigger yourself. Triggers are an emotional mess to have to deal with. But if you avoid talking about your interests in BDSM and feel that exploring further could really be a positive experience then you definitely should talk about it. Set up time to talk where you both feel safe and secure and it could be easier on you. If that still doesn’t feel right, find a kink-friendly therapist in your area that you can work with. Don’t do this alone if it feels wrong.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 16, 2015 07:00

When A Desire Becomes a Need

https://www.flickr.com/photos/purpleslog/184391902/

I think about that word all the time. Need. “I need this, too,” Jack told me. And everything changed. By taking care of me, he was taking care of himself. I don’t think I’d ever tried to envision the situation from a Dom’s point of view before. I was so fucking grateful whenever I found a man who could fulfill my own dark cravings that I forgot the other half of the equation: The fact that I was fulfilling his as well. Nate tried to explain that to me-two sides of the same coin.

From Dark Secret Love: A Story of Submission by Allison Tyler

Even though I don’t always think about it, my submission is a need. I do believe at one point when I first began my journey in the lifestyle, I saw it only as a want. Also, like the quote states above, being dominant is very much a need for Daddy as well. Thanks to real life, both of us realized just how much of a need having the power exchange dynamic in our relationship is.

For part of my Berufsorientierungskurs(The class is about what it’s like in a working environment in Germany as well as learning more language skills), everyone in the class had to do a five week internship in a profession that interested them. For me, I chose to do my internship at a local bakery and cake store. I love to bake and I figured why not spend my life doing something I love and the internship is a great way to get a small taste of what it would be like to work as a professional baker. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t realize just how hard it would be.

My schedule changed a lot. I had to be up at 3:30 in the morning, out the door by 4:15 to catch the bus to be at work at five. This meant I was in bed no later than 7:30 in the evening. I worked anywhere from five to nine hours a day and came home covered in pretty much anything you could imagine. Flour. Bread crumbs. Fruit juice and or pieces of fruit. Sugar. Not only was I filthy from head to toe, I was also exhausted. The first week was absolute torture on me. I ached everywhere. I absolutely had no interest in doing anything once I got home. Including being a slave. I couldn’t keep the apartment as clean as I wanted to. I didn’t want to cook. I had very little interest in sex and scening. Daddy completely understood this. He knew how hard I was working and how tired I was. Every time I told Daddy about how bad I felt about not being able to keep up everything like I usually did and that I couldn’t serve Him the way I wanted to and every time He told me He understood and knew once the internship it was over, everything would get back to normal. I noticed how much Daddy was suffering along with me. Not in the same ways, but it was there. He missed the scening, He missed us doing things together, He missed me cuddling with Him in bed after I left in the mornings. He missed how things were. With this, I realized that just as much as my submission is a need for me, that dominance is very much a need for Him. Needless to say, things sucked around here a bit because something we both really need in our lives had to take a back burner for a short time.

Now that my internship is over, things are back to normal. I’m finally catching up on things around the apartment. I’m not falling asleep anymore at 7 pm and am feeling more like my slave self again and Daddy is feeling more like His dominant self again and life is good. This isn’t the first time that we’ve had this problem in our relationship. Life tends to always get in the way, but this is the first time that it’s gone on so long. We also know that in the future there will be more times where life gets in the way and this will happen again.

As I was writing this article, I spent some time reflecting about how things were when I first started out in the lifestyle. Being in a power exchange relationship at the time was more of a want and desire than a need. The more experience I gained, the more it became a need. Then when I met Daddy, the need grew even more. Also writing this article it reinforced that in a power exchange relationship, need falls on both sides of the slashes. Just like I need my slavehood to help me feel whole, Daddy needs His dominance to feel whole as well. It makes me smile to think that something that starts out so small ends up becoming so important.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 15, 2015 07:00

Winter Blues – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

Winter is a hard time for me. I didn’t always know that it was a thing that impacts a lot of people every year. I thought that I was a unique snowflake. Of course, now that I know, it doesn’t make Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) any easier on me. ”About 4 to 6 percent of people may have winter depression. Another 10to 20 percent may have mild SAD. SAD is four times more common in women than in men” (American Academy of Family Physicians, retrieved 12/2/15). Having depression impacts my submission in many ways, but it also impacts me as a functioning human being. Chores get neglected, I sleep longer and take more naps. I am more likely to break down crying for no reason at all and stare wishfully out the window at the snow and wish it were sunny and warm.

More than that though I know that my mood changes the way that KnyghtMare interacts with me. He’s well aware when I increase my medication for the season. He allows me more naps than usual. But he’s also tiptoeing around my emotions and lightening the load of my obligations to him. In a way that’s a blessing, but it also hurts. I know I can’t function well enough for him so he takes care of me by not expecting as much and my little submissive brain doesn’t see that he’s doing it to help me but rather than I’m weak and a failure because he has to change how we interact so that I can get through the season.

Today and everyday this Winter, I want to focus on healing and on joy. There are positive things in my life that should be noted. This depression is only temporary.

And with that, I’d like everyone to take some time out today to think about the positive things in their life. The people they love and that love them, the joy you get when you engage in your favorite things. How are you blessed and how do you bless others? It’s not just a holiday thing, it’s all things. Our lives are only as beautiful as we make them and sometimes we need to be reminded that even in down times there is beauty.

Seek the beauty. Always and in all ways. And get out in the sun when it’s out. It has healing properties not only for the Winter Blues but for your overall emotional state.

If you find yourself really depressed this season, talk to your Doctor. You can get help to feel more yourself. It’s worth it and you shouldn’t be embarrassed. A lot of people feel the same way this time of year.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 14, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

How are holiday preparations going? It’s pretty quiet here at home but I’m sure it will pick up in the days ahead. Part of preparations involve holiday baking. What’s your favorite cookie? Mine are Spritz. And I love a good Divinity candy.

Let’s share our favorite holiday sweets in the comments below!

Have you entered the VibeRite Orgasm Party Giveaway yet? Time is running out!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Where All The Dominants Are and How to Find Them
Ask the Readers – Where Do Male Submissives Go For Information?
Death, Grief, and D/s: How to Help Your Dominant During a Time of Sadness by Kayla Lords

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Knee Pain, Kneeling and Helpful Suggestions

I was wondering if you had any ideas, tips, exercises for knee strengthening? I am a BBW, and being on my knees for a long period of time, cuts off my circulation and can be very painful. This is also true when I am on all fours. I tried pillows, and that helps for the knee cap, but not the numbness that develops. Do you or anyone in the community by any chance have any suggestions?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

This Week’s Discussion on Submissive Guide’s FetLife Group

Come join in the discussions on FetLife where you can find other readers and followers of Submissive Guide. Weekly discussions hosted by MRs. Darling.

Finding Your Partner

We all know how difficult it is to find a partner in the vanilla world, and still we narrow the field when looking for a Dominant type. So let’s hear YOUR story. How did you find and meet your partner? We’re you vanilla at first? What’s your tale? Any words of advice for those now looking?

Join the FetLife group for more support and conversation.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Getting started at the kinky buffet by moonlight
In 2013: Fear by kaya
In 2012: Submissive Advent – Day 13: Seen But Not Heard
In 2011: You Are What You Read
In 2010: How a Personal Protocol Can Aide Your Service

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

“Submission depends on the individual’s ability to align his will with that of the dominant and use his intelligence to fulfill her wishes gracefully and efficiently.” -Christina Abernathy, Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual
Do you struggle with depression? How has being submissive helped you recover?
“Few people know how to give their love as a vulnerable gift — which is the only way to offer yourself sexually that doesn’t create suffering.” – David Deida
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Bliss Bringers

44: Bawdy Storytelling and the Folsom Slave

11 Dec 2015, 3:48pm GMT

→ Bliss Bringers – Sex, Swinging & Kink Podcast

We got an incredible deal for you today, just in time for the holidays! This episode is a double feature: We visited “Bawdy Storytelling” and spoke with the ever unstoppable “Dixie De La Toure” about her concept of erotic storytelling as an art form, changing the community and … fisting on a first date. As […]

MP3 audio (10MB, 22min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 13, 2015 07:00

Death, Grief, and D/s: How to Help Your Dominant During a Time of Sadness

Death, Grief, and D/s: How to Help Your Dominant in a Time of Sadness

No matter what we want to believe or how we choose to behave, relationships are the same, whether you’re kinky or vanilla. People are still people with all of the same hopes, dreams, flaws, and beauty; kink is irrelevant.

For those of you, like me, in long-term D/s relationships, or for those searching for your forever partner, it pays to keep this in mind. Real life can and will creep up on you even when you’re having the kinky time of your life. You may find yourself taking care of your Dominant in ways you never anticipated – and it may make you feel less submissive than you’ve ever felt.

Recently, Southern Sir, my beloved Daddy, lost his little sister to cancer. She was only in her 40s, a single mom of two, and one of his favorite people. She was diagnosed over a year ago, and he became one of her primary caregivers. The loss of his sister has been tough on him, as was the year or more of watching her succumb to her illness.

As his submissive and partner, I had a few choices. I could sit back and pretend this didn’t affect me, or I could jump in with both feet and support him as much as possible. I chose the latter, and in the end, it made our relationship that much stronger.

Along the way, I learned a few lessons and truths that every submissive should keep in mind when your Dominant is under great strain.

Dominants cry. His tears never freaked me out, they made my heart ache for him. It’s our job to hold them until the tears run out and to let them know crying isn’t a weakness. We need to be their soft place to land when life becomes too much.

Dominants become anxious. Southern Sir was so worried about his sister he no longer slept and when he did, he had terrible nightmares – until the doctor prescribed Ambien. Some people view worry, anxiety, and medication as weaknesses. Don’t be one of those people. Even now, weeks after her death, I encourage him to take Ambien because he still finds it difficult to sleep.

Dominants feel out of control. If your Dominant is like mine, it’s the worst feeling in the world. Try to give them more control at home, if you can. But be aware, there will be some days when the weight of the world is on their shoulders. At that moment, additional responsibility might be overwhelming.

Your protocols will help you both feel Dominant and submissive. You may need to remind your Dominant of his part in your protocols. You may need to ignore him when you’re told “not to worry about it.” (Do as told if your actions cause him stress or anxiety.) For us, each night I still knelt before bed, I still asked permission for orgasms, and I maintained many of the routines dictated by our personal protocols. It was my way of serving him and reminding him of his role in our relationship.

The kink might run dry or stop altogether. Don’t pressure your Dominant for kinky play, but don’t pretend you don’t need it either. Keep the communication wide open but understand that in those moments of intense pressure, the last thing your Dominant may want is to tie you up or spank your ass.

The kink might be just what they need. The day of his sister’s memorial service, Daddy bent me over the side of the bed and spanked my ass for 20 minutes. It relieved the tension for both of us, and we managed to muddle through the sadness and the family drama for the rest of the day. If your Dominant enjoys certain activities – spankings, bondage, even sex – as a stress relief, gently remind them from time to time of the benefits for both of you.

You may have to step up and take the lead. Submissives are strong people. We have to be in order to trust someone enough to grant them control over any facet of our life. This is the time to be strong. You may have to make decisions you wouldn’t normally make. You may have to remind your Dominant of their responsibilities to you and your relationship. You make have to “make” them lead – not through manipulation, instead ask for their final word on small decisions. Sometimes it’s the jolt they need.

Serving your Dominant means many things to many people. Remember that taking the lead, giving them the lead, encouraging much needed stress relief, holding them when they cry, and doing anything and everything you can think of to alleviate some of their stress and sadness are different ways to serve. You’re two people in a relationship. Support and care for your Dominant as you want him to support and care for you in your time of need. In the end, you’re relationship will be even stronger than before.

Image via Flickr

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 11, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Knee Pain, Kneeling and Helpful Suggestions

Hi lunaKM,

I was wondering if you had any ideas, tips, exercises for knee strengthening? I am a BBW, and being on my knees for a long period of time, cuts off my circulation and can be very painful. This is also true when I am on all fours. I tried pillows, and that helps for the knee cap, but not the numbness that develops. Do you or anyone in the community by any chance have any suggestions?

Thank you so much!

First, take a look at Sephani Paige’s article “Tips For Those Who Can’t Kneel“. She gives a lot of excellent advice that could help you in your situation. Now, my question to you is why are you on your knees so much when it clearly hurts? If this is something you think you have to do to be submissive, that is inaccurate. If this is something that a Dominant thinks he has to have you do to feel good about himself and his Dominance than that’s not right either.

A Dominant is going to want you to be comfortable when in a position for a long while. I know my Dominant only wants me to be uncomfortable if he’s the one causing it. Knee pain is a distraction to what he would want me to focus on so he’d avoid it. So if you are in a relationship, find out why they want you to kneel for so long.

Physically it’s pretty hard to condition your body to kneel for periods of time when you are heavier. The compression on your nerves and blood vessels can’t be reduced without reducing your weight. I know I can’t kneel for longer than 2 minutes before my knees are very painful and my feet go to sleep. To alter that, my partner allows me to sit on the floor. It gives you the same feeling, of being lower and subservient.

Stretches may help a bit, but again you are dealing with compression and it’s not just a weight issue. Many average and skinny people can’t kneel either. Find something alternative to kneeling when you can.

For the situation of being on all fours, add support to your belly and chest area so that the weight isn’t all on your limbs. It will help a bit, but not completely.

And now I’m passing it on to my readers: What tips do you give this person about kneeling?

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 09, 2015 07:00

Ask the Readers – Where Do Male Submissives Go For Information?

Hi readers!

Every so often I have a question from someone that deserves different viewpoints and so I’m sharing it with you. Please give your advice to this submissive and be kind.

Being male in a field of females is awkward. Where do hetro-male subs go for info???

My answer would be that much of what is pointed to female submissives works for male submissives also, just change the pronouns. But are there specific websites, forums or discussion groups that cater to male submissives who need information and support? That I can’t answer.

So folks, what sort of advice would you give ”Male Sub”? Let me know in the comments!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 07, 2015 07:00

Where All The Dominants Are and How to Find Them

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 8-8-15

Finding a partner is hard. We all know that dating is difficult in the best of times and adding in D/s or BDSM needs or desires just makes it harder still. But there are people out there and they are looking for you! Hopefully I’ve put together all the articles from the site and elsewhere that will help you find a partner that is compatible to you and your desires.

Don’t take these articles as the only way or even the best way for you to find a partner interested in the same kinky things you are. These are just ideas and suggestions from myself and others. Use what you can and discard the rest. But don’t assume I’m just giving you a list! Make sure you scroll below the list of excellent resources for more information on dating and finding partners in BDSM and the lifestyle.

Dating
Where To Go to Find a Kinky or D/s Partner: The Big List
#domsubchat – Transcript of Twitter Chat – Dating and Finding a Partner in BDSM
How Searching for a Compatible Partner is Like Apartment Hunting by andyiccee (coming out 8/14/15)
Ask lunaKM – How Do I Stay Positive While Single?
How to Approach a Dominant You Are Interested In
Dating in the Lifestyle; What’s the Big Deal?
Do You Need the “Luck o’ the Irish” to Meet that Perfect Dominant?
BDSM Basics – How Do I Find Someone to Play With?
Are There Basic Expectations in a Dominant That I Should Look For?
The Outline of a Good Compatible Dominant
What are Red Flags?
Finding a Compatible Partner in the Lifestyle
Review: The Kinky Girl’s Guide to Dating
Finding Your Dominant by Mistress Steel
Online Profiles
Write an Online BDSM Dating Profile That Gets Results!
The Secrets to Writing a Successful BDSM Dating Profile (coming out 8/10/15)
What NOT to Share on Your Online Profile
Identifying Fake Dominants and Posers
Ask lunaKM – How Can I Safely Contact Online Doms?
Ask lunaKM – How To Approach Dommes on FetLife
#domsubchat – Transcript of Twitter Chat – Writing a Kinky Dating and/or Social Profile
7 Signs You are Compatible With a Prospective Dominant
Why That Dominant You Found Online Just Disappeared After a Short Time
First Meetings
BDSM Basics – What Your First Date Might Look Like
First Meetings Done Safely
How Far Should You Go On a First Date?
Ask lunaKM – What should I expect the first meeting?
10 Tips to Calm Your Nerves When Meeting a Dominant for the First Time
Submitting in a Long Distance Relationship: The Big Meet by kallista
A Safe Call Could Save Your Life
I’m So Frustrated!

Dating is never easy. When you are searching for a partner, whether that be casual or long term, finding someone that meets your needs and desires is like finding a needle in a haystack. You have to toss a lot of chaff to get anywhere near what you want. But you are looking for someone who is either a Top or a Dominant also, so that thins your possible options as well.

It can be extremely frustrating trying to find a partner, and I’m terribly glad I’m done with that phase of life, but I also know how you can make it just a bit easier on yourself. One of the most frustrating things that you may experience while single is not comprehending why you are still single even though you’ve done everything “right” to find a partner. You may feel that your friends easily find partners and long-term romance (or so it seems) while you feel stuck in a rut and hopeless. You could be experiencing loneliness, jealousy, frustration, doubt, and unfairness that you are putting in great effort to find love and your attempts are unmet, especially when you compare yourselves to others who are in relationships.

I’m a believer in timing. Everything happens in its own time.

Don’t Settle

You’ve set your expectations and needs on paper and in your profiles online. You may feel that no matter how you describe yourself that you are attracting imperfect partners. Dating these imperfect partners will not make you happy. Don’t settle for anyone that doesn’t meet your needs. Desires are always things you can work on with partners, but your needs are things that should be taken care of in any happy relationship.

Desperation is Unappealing

It is absolutely wonderful to know what you want, however wanting a partner, relationship or marriage is very different than NEEDING them. When you bring a needy or desperate vibe into dating, you are likely to rush the natural flow of forming a relationship, overlook red flags and most importantly, you are likely to turn off potential partners. You might engage in clingy behaviors, act out when someone you are newly dating doesn’t respond right away, etc. Be empowered to go after what you want and be confident in achieving it.

It’s Not Magic

One day my Prince will come is only for fairy tales and Disney movies. You can’t just wait around and hope your dream partner finds you. You have to actually put effort into finding love. Too often singles believe they don’t have to do much to attract a partner. If you have a dating profile but don’t respond to messages for long periods of time, say no to friends trying to hook you up or never having time for dating is sending the wrong signals. Take risks in love and actively look for what you want in your life.

Don’t Try to Change Someone

It could feel like the right thing to do; someone has contacted you and they seem almost a good fit, if only they’d change this or that about themselves. And then you begin to think that they will change or that you could somehow convince them to change. Don’t. Just don’t. No one will change just for you. They have to do it for themselves. Make sure you are seeking a good fit for you, and not trying to jam a round peg into a square hole.

Enjoy Dating!

Lastly, dating should be embraced as a part of your life, a phase that everyone has to go through at least once and you should enjoy it for what it is. You get to meet people, explore your own self and reach for the stars that are in your future. Take what joy you can in the process and you’ll be more uplifted and happy while single than those that doesn’t see any value in their life unless they have a partner.

There’s nothing wrong with you if you are single for awhile. It just means you’re exploring your options and trying to find that perfect fit. You will too; there are out there looking for you so go find them!

Questions
What does your online profile say about you? If you can’t review it objectively, have a friend read it and give you some constructive criticism.
How do you feel about online dating? How do you go about dating if online isn’t the arena for you?
Why did your last date fail? What can you learn about it to help you in the future to avoid that same sitation?
Links
BDSM Basics: How to Find a Partner in 10 Steps
How to Find a Partner in BDSM
Finding a Partner in BDSM
Related Posts:
How Searching for a Compatible Partner is Like Apartment Hunting
Finding Your Dominant
10 Tips to Calm Your Nerves When Meeting a Dominant for the First Time
Where To Go to Find a Kinky or D/s Partner: The Big List
#domsubchat – Transcript of Twitter Chat – Writing a Kinky Dating and/or Social Profile

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 04, 2015 07:00

[Ended] Giveaway: The Great VibeRite Orgasm Party!

Get your tinsel hung, the lights on the tree and the egg nog spiked and chilled because this is an amazing giveaway you don’t want to miss. It involves ORGASMS. Who wouldn’t want orgasms this holiday season! I’ve partnered up with JT’s Stockroom again this year for a massive prize package worth over $100 US and that’s not all, I have 3 runner-up prizes to choose from too!

I do have to tell you that the great people at Stockroom.com sent me all the prizes to check out for myself so that I could see how wonderful they all are. KnyghtMare and I have put them through their paces so that you can be sure what I’m going to tell you about them is first hand knowledge. I’m thrilled to say that they are great fun and definitely going to give a few people some amazing sexy times this winter!

Oh and this giveaway is open to everyone. Yes, my dear international readers! You too!

Giveaway ends at 11:59 p.m. CST on Thursday December 17th, 2015.

So, let’s check out the prizes first, then I’ll tell you how you can enter to win!

Grand Prize

The grand prize is a VibeRite Personal Massager with ALL of the available attachments. That’s right, not only will you get a cordless wand with 7-speeds, but you’ll be able to choose which attachment hits your (or his) buttons!

In the package:

VibeRite Personal Massager - If you think the Magic Wand is too intense or too heavy or you don’t like having to plug your toys in then this is a perfect solution. Fully rechargeable and cordless makes this a fantastic personal massager. The silicone head and flexible neck help you to get right to the perfect place. Since the vibration isn’t as intense as the Magic wand you won’t numb out. Oh and it has 7 speeds! No silly little low and hell no. You can dial it right in to the number that works for you. I liked that the head comes off for easy cleaning and it wasn’t heavy. The charge lasts 40 minutes! The only downside I saw was that you can’t use it while it’s charging. Of course, then it wouldn’t be cordless, now would it.
G-Spot Attachment - A lovely attachment that rubs your g-spot. I was able to angle it just right and put a decent amount of pressure on my g-spot (how I like it) and it felt great. I also used it as a pinpoint clit vibe while KnyghtMare was busy with other areas.
Double Agent - The “simple” attachment that penetrates deep and tickles all the exterior areas too. I found this one to be the key attachment that I could use for a very long time.
Triple Crown – My personal favorite! I love this attachment because it stimulates everything all at once! I love anal play so any time you can do that and stimulate my clit at the same time you’re magic! Not everyone will be able to use this attachment as anatomy plays a key role in making everything hit just the right spots and it took some wriggling about to do that with my anatomy but I still had a great time, and KnyghtMare enjoyed watching.
Tight Squeeze Male Wand Attachment - This one is lots of fun for him! Well I admit I had fun using this one on KnyghtMare too. He said the nubs feel great and prefers that side of the toy to be on his penis’ head. It’s quite stretchy and fit really snug around his shaft (he’s above average). If your guy is uncut and wider girth I suggest pulling the skin all the way back when you put it on so that you aren’t just sliding the skin up and over the head – he’ll miss the nubby vibration! KnyghtMare’s only complaint is that he came too fast, but that could have been my evil plan all along….
Runners Up

I’m also giving away prizes to three runners-up! When you enter you will be selecting which one you’d want if you are a runner-up winner.

Mystic Vibe Wireless Vibrating Egg – We didn’t get to test this one before the giveway like I wanted to, but it looks and feels just like other wireless eggs we’ve used. The distance it reaches is 10 meters, but keep in mind that’s in the air. Not through clothing and body tissue. Works best up close and with 20 programs you are sure to find one that feels great. I prefer it nestled between my lips against my clit rather than inserted, but that’s just me!
Private Pursuit Kegel Balls - I was most excited about these. The weighted balls are wonderful, come in 2 different weights, you can remove them from the rings for cleaning and this set comes with a ring for one and a ring for 2. Go for a drive while you wear these! You’ll want to hit every single bump in the road. But don’t or your car will hate you.
Innuendo Anal Beads - Your standard anal beads on a strand but it’s one single piece instead of beads attached to a string. These, I admit, are more for anal novices then my more easily expandable bum, however if I squeezed I could feel them as KnyghtMare pulled them out slowly during sex. He said he could feel them during sex too.
Deadline: Thursday, December 17th, 2015, at 11:59 p.m. CST.

Winners will be chosen randomly by a computer based on entries in the widget below (the widget also has a landing page if that’s easier). Entry methods include following me on social media, referring your friends to this giveaway, blogging about the giveaway, subscribing to the site, etc. There are even a few every day entry options, so make sure you keep coming back to boost your chances!

Enter below or visit the giveaway’s landing page. Thanks again to JT’s Stockroom for donating!

Restrictions:

All winners must be 18+. You are required to enter your birthdate to enter for validation.
Winners will have 48 hours to respond to emails, or their prize will be forfeited. So make sure you enter with an email address you check A LOT!
This giveaway is open Internationally. Prizes are NOT guaranteed to arrive by Christmas. Customs may delay International arrival.
Giveaway ends at 11:59 p.m. CST on Thursday December 17th, 2015.

Vibe Rite Personal Massager Giveaway

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

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Published on December 03, 2015 07:10