Polly Campbell's Blog, page 7

How to Get A Lot Done Without Feeling Overwhelmed

After she brushed her teeth, slid her binder in her backpack, and picked up the papers that had fallen on the floor Sweet P was done. Washed out by 8 a.m.
“Ugh. Sometimes life just feels so hard,” she said with a soap-opera sigh and eye roll.
Yep, sometimes it does. And usually it’s the little things — though I’m wishing my little things were as little as putting a binder in a backpack —  that back up against the big things and push me over the edge from calm efficiency into overwhelm.
But, most days now, I can feel it coming. It’s the pressure along the back of my shoulders, the way I talk to my husband as I rattle through “all the things I have to get done,” and the heavy feeling in my head, like a brain fog settling into the neuropathways that make it hard for me to think clearly, that tells me when I’m close to feeling overwhelmed.
On my best days, I’ll catch it right there before careening over the cliff in my office chair. Not everyday is my best day, but when I am aware that my brain is cycling down an unproductive path, when it all feels hard, I have some quick interventions I use to mellow out, calm down, and feel better.
How to Get A Lot Done Without Feeling Overwhelmed
1. Quiet now and later. This is my fave. Sometimes, I have to escape to the shower, other times it can be a walk in the neighborhood, sometimes I’ll take a time out in the back corner f my bedroom and forbid ANYONE from entering. This approach works best when accompanied by a scary intense glare. I also get up to meditate, or sometimes sit in a stupor on the couch while drinking coffee, in the morning before anyone else is awake.
A moment of quiet without my computer, phone, television, a moment of quiet without others talking to me, without doing, is both a preventative measure and an intervention when you are in the thick of stress.
Take five minutes a day just to breathe and sit quietly. This works super good when you are in the car waiting for your kid to come out. Turn off the phone. Turn off the radio. Take deep breaths.
2. Change your pace. Sometimes this is as simple as washing my hands slowly and mindfully in warm water and just giving all of my attention to that moment. Other times, I’ll go outside for a few minutes and take in some deep breaths. Sometimes I’ll head to a coffee shop nearby, or go to the gym for a workout.
Whatever it is, my goal is to do something physically different, so my mind disengages from the repetitive negative thought patterns, worries, and rumination that contribute to that feeling of being overwhelmed.
When we move our body out of the environment where those concerns persist, our physiology changes. Its hard to be washing your hands in warm water or feeling the chilled air and not have some physical reaction, and when our bodies change, so do our thoughts.
This gives a  break from the weighty thoughts that lead us feeling bogged down. So change up something in your environment and you change how your body feels and that will shift how you think , for just a moment. Just long enough to short-circuit stress.
3. Do what feels good. Seriously, eat the mac and cheese, take a nap, reach out to a friend, watch a funny video, pray, run, get a massage. Whatever. Just do something right now that feels good. Something that feels better than feeling bad and scared and too busy and too tired and overwhelmed.
Do something that feels comforting and nurturing and savor it for a second — or 15 to 30 seconds to be precise. That’s about the length of time it takes to soak in and start changing how we feel, according to research by Fred Bryant an others.
Overwhelm occurs when we feel like we are giving out more than we are getting in return. We begin to feel depleted. A moment of self-care or comfort, helps us to feel grounded, nourished, replenished or at least a little less crazy.

How to Keep Little Things from Becoming Big Things

We were about five minutes into the conversation – a conference call — and I was completely lost and confused. Like the kind of lost that left me grasping for something to say that wouldn’t make me sound as goofy as a cartoon character.  I was feeling inadequate like I was the only one not getting it.

And things got intense. Disagreements between others in the meeting. Confusion about outcomes. Impatience. Half the time I was laying my head on the cool of the desk like a child in class trying to stay calm and giving thanks that it wasn’t a video call. The rest of the time I was taking notes frantically hoping to find a bit of information that I could hold onto, something I could make sense of when the call was over.

I had a hard time getting the information I needed to do my job and when I asked questions the answers seemed so foreign and unfamiliar and didn’t jive with what I was asking. Many of the points were derailed by emotion and frustration and after an hour of constant interruptions and yeah-buts I felt worn and defensive. I felt like my skills were being challenged and by the end of it, I wanted to get out AND go back in and find a way to fix it, to be understood.

I wanted to do something that would end the discomfort.  But, I  reminded myself that even though this felt uncomfortable, it was a little thing. A flaring of personality and mood and time pressures, but nothing personal. It wasn’t a big thing, until I let it become bigger. Until I took it in. 

Hold On, that Feeling Is Gonna Change

And I did that for a bit. By the time I got off the phone I felt somehow responsible for every aspect of the job – even those I was not hired to do. And, then I felt like I should find some clear solutions for climate change and also develop the ability to grow money on trees. THEN maybe I would have felt better. Then I started getting a little mad thinking about it.

So, I fired off an email. I put all of my thoughts into that one little letter. DAng it! I will tell you what. Except, I didn’t. I took a timeout. Deleted the letter. Took a breathe.

Because the one thing I know about icky feelings is that they CHANGE. And often the best way to deal with them  is to not do anything at all.

We don’t have to behave badly when we feel bad. We don’t have to contribute to the frustration or confusion.  Often there isn’t even anything to fix, at least not right then.

Pause, Breathe, Carry On

Sometimes, often, communication goes bad because of the mix of moods and personalities and stresses others have felt during the day. And the way through that, isn’t to make little things big things. It isn’t to fire of a hurt or angry email or start doubting yourself or to eat a gallon of ice cream.

The best way to get through it is to pause. Take a deep breath. Come back with compassion for yourself and others and recognize that sometimes things just don’t feel easy, sometimes even the best of us can’t connect. Sometimes that’s all it is. It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault it can just be a combo meal of bad juju.

And when it is, step away, send compassion and let it go for a couple of days. Then come back and take a clear look at what happened and what can happen next to make it easier to bear.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN IGNORING OR TAKING ALL OF THE RESPONSIBILITY. It does mean taking your share. And this is a whole lot easier to do when you are NOT feeling defensive or blamed or hurt or upset, or confused. It is a whole lot more productive when you can come back with compassion and a willingness to listen and look at thing differently rather than feeling muddled emotionally.

The way to keep little things from becoming bigger things is to notice what you are feeling with compassion and without blame and without adding to the drama. You don’t have to take it in, it doesn’t have to be about you, nobody has to be right or wrong. It can just be what it is, in that  one moment. A difficult moment does not mean the world is falling or you are falling apart. It means only that it was a difficult moment. Don’t make it any bigger.

How Stories Impact Our Success

Monday, I wrote about how we never know the WHOLE STORY. We never know what’s truly going on in someone’s life so it’s best if we just lead with kindness. Even if others seem a little snarky and irritating, we don’t know their deal, so instead of making up some big story, or gossiping about their behavior, it’s best to be kind and not judge.
And it got me thinking about the stories we tell ourselves. How do we judge or criticize ourselves. What excuses do we make? And how do the stories we tell about ourselves, change how we engage in our lives?
I wrote this post (below) awhile ago and I think it’s worth looking at again today, because our success is usually a product of our beliefs and judgments and behaviors and those things always evolve from the stories we create about who we are and what we are capable of. So make sure your are creating a good one.

When things go haywire and life takes a scary, irritating, messy turn – how do you talk about it?

Do you dwell on the drama and despair? Or do you tell a story about how you can figure it out and thrive?

What is the story you tell?

When we’re caught up in what feels like a negative circumstance — a divorce, job loss, illness, or even just an irritating incident, it’s easy to draft a negative, dramatic, victim story around it. This gives our bad-news story energy and makes it feel real and insurmountable.

Often it’s the story we tell about that hard stuff that makes it even harder.

I thought of this a lot when I was diagnosed with melanoma. I knew that how I talked about the experience to myself and others would go a long way to determining how well I managed it in the real world. If I told a sad story about sickness and despair and anxiety – I could create that in my life. Or, I could stick to the facts: I had a malignant mole removed from my knee. That’s all it was. I didn’t need to speculate about outcomes or deconstruct all my fears about the future, time and time again, by telling stories about it.  I felt some stress, but didn’t dwell on it or create a bad-news story around it.

Instead, I took a realistic look at what I needed to do to heal. Then I  created a good-news story around that. I visualized how I wanted it to go.  In my plot, I ( the heroine naturally played by Nicole Kidman) would overcome every adversity with panache, power and really good hair. The experience would teach the heroine greater compassion, it would help her become a better writer and land her on Oprah to talk about how people can transcend even the toughest times.  THAT was the story I told myself.

Our stories influence our beliefs and those are the thoughts that determine our reality. Every time.  Whether the beliefs are true or not, we often act on them and that creates tangible outcomes known as our lives.

If you’re telling scary stories, you’re likely to get some scary outcomes in your life.  But, you can revise your story at anytime.  Here’s how:

State what is – without judgment or opinion or projection. Just say what happened.

Drop the blame. Leave out all the bad things you feel about what happened and why. End the drama. No need to go on and on about how overwhelmed you and how nothing will be right again. It’s not true. And if you’re going to be making things up, go for the plot that propels you into a bright future.

Create the new story line. Write the story how you want it to be. Have fun with this. Play. Imagine the clothes you’ll be wearing when you get your new job. (Check out those shoes, girl.) See all the money falling out of your new designer purse. Experience the energy and that beautiful complexion that comes from the vibrant health you will enjoy.  Feel the love from all the wonderful people in your life and reflect on the learning and all that you gained from the adversity. Notice how resilient you are. You can bounce back from anything. Imagine it all. Not only will you feel better, but surprising things will happen.

When we imagine our life how we want it, (visualization exercises are a powerful way of doing this and something I’ll be writing about Wednesday) the Universe (including your unconscious beliefs) shifts to make it happen. A positive story line  leads to self awareness, inspired action and powerful intention. Those are the things that make fantasies come true.

So, what story are you telling?

Making the Bad Better with Kindness

There were about 25 people in the audience. I was talking about awe and they were sharing awesome moments in their lives. We were nodding and smiling and connecting and afterwards we nibbled on cookies and I signed books and it was all very polite and cheery. It felt good.

It looked like we were doing fine, all of us. Like we  were happily, managing this life thing well, thank you. And I know that is the truth. At least, part of it.

Then, a few minutes later, a woman came to the table to buy a book and she shared some threads of her story with me. Hard divorce after years of marriage. The man behind her in line then told me about how stressed he was after a recent move. And a friend of mine was there too, in the audience just a few hours after receiving some very difficult news about a relative’s diagnosis. Life is challenging. That is part of the truth too.

We all have a story. And our stories are complex and vast and layered. They are filled with goodness and love and cheer and AT THE VERY SAME MOMENT, they are daunting, grief-filled, painful and challenging.

And this is how life works. We can be cheery and engaged and AT THE VERY SAME TIME reeling from the challenge of life.

Find the Better in the Bad

Often the challenges we experience consume our entire focus. They take everything. We worry and ruminate and stress and complain and then we actually have to DO stuff, like practical appointment making and work juggling and money saving to get through the things that can be so hard to bear emotionally. We are BUSY and we keep going. We keep getting dressed, and smiling, and showing up, and paying bills and  doing what we must, like we always have even though it feels like our entire life has changed.

We are so busy in fact, that we forget to see the beauty and the goodness and the BETTER THAT IS RIGHT THERE TOO, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAD.

We’ve got to go looking for it of course, the good news during the difficult, but it is so worth doing, because it keeps us sane, you see? To see the awe in the awful reminds us how good life can be too, and that helps us to ease the stress that catches us up and hang on to the hope AND THAT keeps us moving and going and believing that we will make it through.

And we will make it through. Of course we will.

Kindness All the Time

But let’s do offer each other this: Kindness. Kindness. All the time.

Even if I do something stupid and cut you off on the freeway or say the wrong thing, please be kind to me. I just wasn’t paying attention because I’m dealing with stuff. I’m just trying to find my way through. Please give me a little space. Maybe a little compassion if you can spare. I can use all the help I can get.

And I will do the same for you because I know you are dealing with big stuff too. I know you are wading through muck that I will never know about. I know you are there, like me, trying to make sense of stuff that feels so hard and confusing and big; working to find your way through difficult things.

So, if we bump up against each other, I will be kind. Because without knowing what you are going through, I know what you are going through and I will do my best not to make it any harder. I don’t want to contribute to the challenge.

Both Things are True

The night of the reading, looking out at the audience filled with awesome, smiling, smart, well-dressed people; people who drove nice cars and shook hands and smiled and acted like everything was grand – which of course it was – were also the same people who were ALSO right then, struggling and hurting and dealing with real stuff in a real world that felt hard and scary – which of course it also was.

Because for all of us both things are true in every moment – peace and pain, happiness and sadness.

So, let’s do this, can we? Since we never, ever truly know what another is dealing with, let us just lead with kindness, always. We can do that for each other. We can make sure that we are always contributing to the beauty and not adding on to the pain.

We can go gently, even when others aren’t. We can be kind, even when others aren’t. And when we do, we will be that one little snatch of light for someone in a darkening day.

I like the thought of that. I like knowing that I can bring a little light through kindness.

How will you keep hope alive when dealing with your own challenges this week? And how, can you bring the light for another?

If You’re Going to Brag (and you should) Here’s How to Do It

Image by Erin Brown Cairney White

A few weeks ago, after my coach Andrea Mather asked me to send her a weekly brag about something I had accomplished or felt good about, I decided to challenge my Facebook friends to do the same.

It was AWESOME. People! WE ARE DOING GREAT THINGS! And I loved hearing about EVERY SINGLE ONE.

One friend became a mother for the first time, adopting two children who had lived their first 10 years in foster care.

Another started a new business. One woman had a great interaction with her teenager. Others shared workout successes. It went on and on and on. Dozens of amazing responses. People  bragging about the goodnesses they are bringing to the world. Shouting them OUT! And it was so fun and so uplifting. Obviously, I’m still thinking about it.

Shout Out the Good Stuff

And yet, we are so careful about sharing our own amazing. There is a fine line between bragging and sharing and it’s tough to know where is sits.

I felt so uncomfortable when Andrea first asked me for a weekly brag, and I’m not even an overly modest person. I think I am working hard to do good things and I’m proud of my accomplishments and equally as open about my failures.

But, it’s hard to know how to talk about it.

“Culturally, we bond over trading complaints, instead of sharing good things,” Mather says, from her Colorado office. “I want to shift the way we connect with each other. Sharing our successes inspires each of us in ways complaining doesn’t. It dares us to act on our dreams.”

And we need practice doing it she says.  “Women seem to need more encouragement to build their bragging muscles. Think about how when we were growing up that the messages were often, ‘Don’t show off.'”

“But it is also good for women to see other women celebrate their successes. Then we can celebrate it with them and it inspires us to go after our dreams. That said I do know several men who would also benefit from the practice.”

What I Learned from Bragging

And while it was both uncomfortable and fun to share my carefully placed brags with close friends, my husband, and a few others, something else surprising came from the exercise.

“You suddenly realized you were exactly where you wanted to be and that you worked damn hard to get there,” Mather says. “There’s a real value in seeing and celebrating these moments instead of focusing on the next big goal(s). Otherwise, what are we chasing?”

By identifying where you are and all that is going well, you may just come to realize you’ve been doing what you set out to do all along. That’s a powerful insight.

But still, most of us won’t be spiking the ball and doing the dab in the end zone after a major score. It looks a little out of place during the wine bar happy hour. So how can we share our accomplishments without turning others off?

Here are some safer ways to brag:

Provide information, do not go all Kanye and tell us how great you are. If you have done something awesome, I want to know about that thing and your role in it. But, do I want hear you declare yourself the next Picasso with better hair than the rest of us? No, not so much. Keep your brag short and specific.

Go one and done. I want you to have THE BEST DAY EVER. But, most people probably don’t need to hear Every.Single. Detail. Give me the highlight.

Express sincerity and gratitude. I cannot tell you how MUCH I APPRECIATE every single person who has EVER shown up at one of my readings. I mean it. It matters so much to me. I’ve been talking about the book A LOT. Promoting on social media, doing radio and appearances and I worry that the news gets old and tiresome and braggy. But I do it, as gracefully as I can, because I care about this book and its message and I am going to get behind it. AND, then when someone actually comes to buy the book, or hear me talk about it, THAT IS A GIFT. When I brag about how great the event was, I also try to share my deep gratitude for ALL THE PEOPLE who made it a success. We are not doing this alone.

Find your people and listen up. I can share with my coach, Andrea. My husband and daughter and my mom. Of course my mom. I also have a few besties that enjoy my success as much as I do, and I theirs. Once in awhile, when it’s book-related achievement I’ll share it on FB. Most of my friends there are writers and they get it. Other  friends have been encouraging from the get go and have helped me so much that I want to share my success with them. But, I’m very aware of who I’m bragging too and what I’m saying. And every time I have a brag, I want to be careful to listen to the brags of others. My friends and family members are doing great things AND I want to hear it. ALL.

And remember this: just because YOU HAVE GOT IT GOING ON doesn’t mean others are going to care. It’s okay. How others react is not your business, nor does it diminish the good stuff in your life. You can share your success, but don’t be attached to what others’ have to say about it. Don’t measure your success based on how many “likes” you get, but rather what YOU liked about your achievement.

The Bottom-Line on Bragging

 

It’s been three months since How to Live an Awesome Life came out and I am deep into the marketing process. I’ve been trying to balance this whole self-promotion thing with the whole don’t-talk-about-yourself-ever-or-you’ll have-no-friends thing.

It’s a toughie for me. How do I tell you about what I love — the writing, the book, the message – in a way that inspires you, (and sells books so that I can keep writing them and feed my cats) without sounding boastful and annoying? I’m not a particularly modest person. I’ve worked hard to craft a career and I am committed to doing it well. I am equally as honest about my failings and what a nutcase I can be.

But how can we share the success, without sounding like a braggart? How do you do it?

Do you share your accomplishments with others? Do you shout them to the world? Do you own the compliment and acknowledge your talents?

Most of us don’t do this well, according to psychologists. Too often we go over the top coming off as cocky or self-absorbed. OR, we don’t do it enough, or at all. Instead of sharing our success we suppress it. Instead of accepting the compliment, we’re more likely to deflect, dismiss, or share the wealth without taking it in.

“Well thank you, but it was really a team effort…” or “this old thing….?”

Is there a middle ground? A way to comfortably mention our achievements and share our successes, without sounding boastful?

Be Authentic and Sincere

In one study published in the Journal of Marketing Research, Wharton professor Deborah Small found that sincerity and intent make a difference in how people are perceived when they are bragging.

If, for example, you brag about making a big donation because you want to enhance your reputation or otherwise improve your social standing, that brag is going to work against you. People can SNIFF THAT OUT. But, if you sincerely do good and you share that goodness, without any ulterior motives, your brag may not be seen as boastful at all. It will seem meaningful and informative.

Here’s another tidbit from the research, as if humans need to further demonstrate their complexity: If you are already known for your generosity, then bragging about it is considered a social faux pas. If you aren’t perceived as all that generous to begin with, but then you do a good deed and talk about it, your brag is actually seen as informative – something people want to know – and that kind of brag isn’t so bad.

Bragging is a form of information exchange. When the information provided to others is new and interesting, it’s not a considered annoying. When, you are simply telling people what they already know or think about you, then it is more likely to hurt your rep than help it.

Practicing the Brag

Recently more than a couple of people suggested my unwillingness to share certain things might be dragging me down. Of course one was a book publicist who gets paid to brag on behalf of me and others. The other was my coach Andrea Mather who was getting tired of me short-selling my creative accomplishments. She challenged me to OWN the experiences, share them with people.

Then, another thing happened: a friend noticed that my daughter has a hard time accepting compliments. She is nine. AT the peak of self-absorption and declared awesomeness, and yet when she is recognized for something meaningful or important, she shrugs it off. And I so don’t want her to do this.

We must be accountable in our lives, for all if it. And if we are going to take responsibility for all the crap that comes down that we sure as heck should own the success.

So we practice around the dinner table each night. We first share a goodness, something we are grateful for, and then we give a big ol’ brag for something we did really well. The first night, we all had a hard time coming up with anything to say. Now, it’s second nature.

We are doing good things in the world and it feels good to share it.

What about you? What are you doing that you want to shout about? Let me hear your brag.

Five Rules to Help Cope with Uncertainty

I’m pretty predictable. So you can imagine when I read research and write about the importance of novelty and uncertainty and transition how freaked out that makes me.

I have to PLAN to be spontaneous. But, because I have some unique qualities — notably, I am a human being — I get LOTS of practice dealing with change an uncertainty. And, going out on a limb here, but thinking if you are anything like me and also a human being, you probably have had your fair share of change too.

We lose 500 million skin cells ALONE each day?! I know! Right? Now before you start seeing yourself a puddle of cells dropping into the floor, remember we are also making billions of new cells. Every day. The body itself is always remaking itself, so it only makes sense that what we do and how we feel, and how we love and work and play and where would also change too, at least every once in awhile.

And, yet we don’t like this. We fret over this.

Trust in Your Ability

And I got to thinking about how my fretting does not actually work. I mean it doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t keep the change from coming and I wouldn’t want it to anyhow, because so many of those changes have been such GOOD THINGS — marriage and kids and books. And even the hard changes, the things that took some getting used to — the cancer and chronic illness, the losses, the financial ups and downs — have had some little rays of light mixed in there too and that the blessing with the bad stuff is that IT CHANGES TOO. Bad stuff changes. It doesn’t stay bad. Not always. And that bad stuff often leads to  good stuff.

So, there is no  need to worry about change, we only just need to trust in our ability to move with it. To just deal. And we can. We don’t even have to know how to do it. We just have to keep going. And sometimes going just looks like getting up. Or taking a shower. Asking for help. Nourishing our bodies with food and our souls with meditation. Most times though, the best way to deal with change and uncertainty is just to take the next best step. And, you’ll no what it is RIGHT BEFORE you make it.

But when I don’t have a clue what the heck I’m doing or how I will get through it, and I’m feeling sticky with fear, I do have a game plan. Some things that I hold tight too. Because I know for SURE, if they don’t make things better the WILL NOT make them worse. I write about them in  How to Live an Awesome Life . 

Five Tips to Deal with Uncertainty or at Least NOT Make it Worse

Excerpted:

If it doesn’t fit don’t force it. Sometimes even the things we think we want most of all, aren’t a good fit for our values, needs, health. Sometimes uncertainty along the path is there to show us that we need to change course.

 

Play nice with others. Your fears and funky mood don’t give you the right to treat others poorly. We need each other. Your success impacts my success. Your joys fuel mine. When you are facing change, you will be strengthened by the support, humor, kindness of others. Offer the same.

 

Do your best even if it’s crap. Sometimes it will be. Seriously. When you are doing something new, when you are moving through an uncertain time, you will be called on to do things and tap skills you aren’t all that familiar with – do your best anyhow. Don’t make excuses. Show up and give it your all. Sometimes even your best effort won’t be so hot. But you will learn and get better. It is so much easier to live with the crap when you know you gave it your all rather than being too scared to show up completely.

 

Be polite. Show respect to others, to the circumstances, to yourself by being a good sport, saying “Thank You,” looking others in the eye. Hold the door open. Not only does it make the day smoother when we look out for each other this way, it also fosters connection and love and cooperation and all that can yield the next bit of information you’ll need to deal with changing circumstances.

 

Do the right thing when no one is looking. If you do nothing else, do this. Don’t look for praise, or reward – this is about self-respect. About being true to yourself. Connecting to your essence. Do the right thing because you are higher energy and an authentic person of integrity. When the world is ever-changing and you feel afraid and slightly unhinged, the one thing you have, for sure, is you. And all that you are. You are an awesome force. You alone, can change the world. I’m not over-stating this. That is the fortitude of your authentic power, But to access it, to recognize all that, you’ve got to be true no matter who is in the room. It is the one thing you can count on. Don’t betray yourself.

Buddhists talk of Right Action. It is the Fourth Element on the Noble Eightfold Path to Enlightenment and it speaks to the ethical conduct of the followers.

I think of it as good behavior. Don’t hurt others. Don’t take from others. Don’t abuse or physically harm yourself or others. Do not abuse drugs or alcohol, “or other sensual pleasures.” Don’t sleep with another’s partner. Don’t be stupid – okay so the Buddhists don’t actually say that last one, but I think it applies. Live with compassion and these tips will support you no matter the uncertainties you face.

 

Surviving Transition and Uncertainty

I’m midstream right now. In transition and not sure how things will go, but too busy swimming hard to feel too nervous. But a little nervous. For sure a little nervous. There is  a low level discomfort here in the middle zone.

I know it’s all unavoidable change, uncertainty, transition. I mean, look at the evidence: You are older today than you were yesterday, no matter what age your hair color says you are. You learn things; discover new people and challenges and opportunities. Perhaps, in an incredible display of awareness, you realize the kids should not, probably, eat peanut butter for EVERY meal, so you throw in a scrambled egg, you know, just to mix it up.

Energy is always moving and so we move, from one place to another in our hearts and minds and bodies and sometimes, from one end of the couch to the other – and we NEED to do this. Growth, creativity, expansion. It’s part of who we are as a species. Yet it leaves us nail-biting nervous and worried, and uncomfortable, like when our jeans are too tight after a big meal and we’re wondering if we can pop the button under our blouse without anyone having a clue. Just sayin’. It could happen.

When we shift off the place we know, away from the thing we finally got really good at, to who knows what, it feels stressful and TOTALLY ANNOYING.

Shifting into Uncertainty

Seriously. I just figured out how to do THIS job, now you go and change it on me? I was really good at being single, THEN I met him and had to figure all that relationshippy stuff out? I FINALLY got in the groove, (a few years late) of mothering a 6-year-old and now all of a sudden, she 9?! And listening to, what is that, Gangsta Rap. What the heck am I supposed to do with nine?  I can’t even come up with a new recipe. Thanks A LOT Universe.

These transitions mean we are always newbies on some level, trying to figure out how to adapt to the next shift. And that just makes me so tired.

But here’s the other thing: THAT CHANGE IS SO GOOD.

Changes Brings the Good Stuff Too

Because while life will dose us up on drama, the things we LOVE MOST in our lives have also come out of this kind of transition and change. We fear and fumble around when we think of change and transition, but transition is simply the moving-forward mechanism that took us from permed and feathered to blowouts. See? All good.

This means, you can STOP worrying about it. Whether you like it or not, you are TOTALLY GOOD at this change and transition stuff. You’ve had a ton of practice and it’s WORKED out.

Change and transition have taken you from crawling to walking, from diapers to using the bathroom while people are hollering through the door at you (Maybe that’s just me).  You have gone from walking to driving and from singledom to married-dom and sometimes, back again.

It was a change that took you from illness back HEALTH, from high to sober, and from work to  layoffs to a DREAM job. From heartbreak to love. It is the link between dark and light.

Path Between Possibilities

Transition is simply the path between possibilities.

I’m swimming now in the middle of some minor transitions. Nothing big or scary, but things that have got me thinking. This is good, because while I’m midstream, I get a better view of the shore.

There is clarity here in the middle, because you can see both sides of the river. It gives you a chance to get clear about what matters to you, what you value and which way you are going go.

And then, when you edge up close to that side of the river, the one you haven’t  been on before, you’ll climb out and take baby steps up the bank until you find a sunny patch and strip off your wet clothes and lay down, while a cute cabana boy serves you a mai tai – OR, perhaps you’ll find yourself lying in your wet jeans next to me. In a muddy spot. Too exhausted from swimming to walk another step. We’ll lay there a bit, like beached whales. Sand in our hair, dirt on our chin. And once we’ve caught our breaths, we will roll over and  just get up. We will GET UP and do the NEXT BEST THING.

Because in the transition, the muddy middle ground, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO is take the next right action. Do the thing that makes sense RIGHT NOW. You don’t have to have skills, you don’t have to know outcomes. You don’t even have to know what will happen 17 minutes from now, you just do the next best thing and it moves you.

That’s all. Call a friend, take a nap, say a prayer, send a thank you, make a call or a list or a drink. Enroll. Hug. Laugh.

And trust me on this YOU WILL KNOW just what the next baby step will be. You will know the next best step because you have been here before in the middle and you  know to get up and get moving. And you can do that.

You can do it just fine.

 

How to Get Through a Really Bad Day

Wallow.

Wimper.

Wake up (and get moving).

That’s it. W3

We’ve all had a day that seemed to go on forever, bad news replaced by worse news, replaced by the realization that you have absolutely no wine or chocolate in the house, and all you want to do is go to bed. At 10 a.m.

When my mood begins to churn and darken like a roiling storm cloud, I try to stop and pay attention for a sec because I know that is the ONLY way I’m going to get through it. When, I don’t catch it, when I don’t notice that all the stresses of the day are getting to me, I tend to behave badly.

I blame others, become critical, impatient, restless, unfocused and spinning in the same spot without ever addressing the emotions or the things that triggered them.

This just keeps me stuck. Which keeps me grouchy. And THAT is exhausting and not at all awesome.

So, here’s what I do to avoid a Bad Day Blowout

The W3 Way Through a Bad Day

I WALLOW. I am SO not about suppressing ANYTHING. Notice that you are feeling blue. Or that you have your feelings hurt or that you are afraid. Feel it. Don’t DO anything, just notice what it feels like and wallow for a bit. I usually give myself about 10 minutes to wallow. For super duper big, I-may-need-therapy-for-this problem, I give it a bit more time if I need it. But usually, after indulging in my bad mood, I just end up bored. That’s how I know it’s time to move on to WHIMPERING. 

While wallowing is usually silent, whimpering is an outward expression. Woe is me. I can’t believe he did that. I hate rain. I wish I had a sub sandwich. I NEED a sub. Can’t believe this is happening to me. Don’t I deserve a break?

At this point, I often take my complaint public. I’ll  text a friend or somebody who JUST GETS IT. I will NEVER call my husband. He is way to polite and practical and ALWAYS says something like “I’m sorry that must have been hard for you.”

My girlfriends on the other hand, they are ready to blame the weather on my behalf, send turd-shaped emojis to anyone I ask, AND tell me how much smarter I am than anyone or anything. Then, when I can bear it, they tell me the truth.

In this way, whimpering to right person is validating AND affirming and it’s a perfect lead into the next step which is to WAKE UP.

Time to get real and take a look at what is really going on. This is when I realize, that perhaps, the ENTIRE WORLD is NOT out to get me AND my car didn’t break down JUST to get back at me for leaving a year’s supply of gum wrappers on the floor.

Here it is time to WAKE UP and acknowledge that sometimes crap just happens, and people do stupid things, and can I please just let it go because being tight and upset is just so, ugh, stifling and boring and I have better things to do.

This W3 approach can take as long as you want. I’m good to go in about 10 minutes. But it always come down the same way: Notice and feel the emotion, declare it — hey if this comes out in complaint who am I to stop you — then shift perspective and acknowledge what happened and move on.

For me, it’s better than staying stuck in a loop of endless irritation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Standing in the Storm of a Bad Day

I don’t have many bad days.

I do have plenty of crappy moments, but I do my best not to let them run away with me. I deliberately choose to do the things that will help me get through the sticking points and move on into something better or at least LESS worrisome.

Sometimes this choosing bit involves wine. Sometimes it involves wine with my girlfriends. Or, frantic, can-you-believe-he-said-that? texts, or watching a kick-ass Good Wife, or petting my cat, or meditating, or Barry Manilow belting out “I made it through the rain….” Not kidding. Don’t judge.

This choosing to move from bad to better almost NEVER involves working out, but I do recommend it. To other people. I totally think everybody should be working out And, I will say, the one time I was having a super, super bad day and I DID work out, it did help. It could have been because I also got to leave my daughter, who was making a significant contribution to my bad day, in the Kids Club for an hour, or maybe not, but the exercise did leave me feeling stronger and nearly sane.

The point is when I feel a cascade of tiny troubles becoming a storm drain of muddy sludge, I DO SOMETHING. I do something different to avoid letting a rotten moment, or many rotten moments, turn into a full-fledged rotten day.

But Sunday? I was in a MOOD. And I let it all come out.

Little Upsets

I felt unappreciated AND exhausted. AND THEN, I went grocery shopping, before eating breakfast and took the bakery section personally. All those maple bars were taunting me. I returned home like a hungry wildebeest. And the house was inside-out messy and during my attempt to threaten the people who live here to clean it up, I was accused of being sarcastic. Seriously, people. Is that the best you’ve got?

AND then,  I took a few minutes to go into the office and breathe in some sanity only to realize a deadline I thought was two weeks out, was two days out and HOW did I miss that?

The cat threw up. My arthritic left hip (the right is my favorite) was on fire and  every time I seemed to gain some emotional footing and stop being grouchy and shrieky — the area around my heart crumbled away a little again and something would set me off.

When Nothing is Working Right

Nothing was working right. Me included.

So, I decided to let it go. Go with the energy and emotion as politely as I could. Follow the bad feelings around and get to know them, see where they were coming from. I mean I could FEEL all that without behaving badly. I could stand in the discomfort and anxiety without moving my furniture in.

I could just show up, be a part of whatever came and end the struggle of trying to feel better or fix it or even push through. I could be in it and accountable with it and patient with myself.

Whew. It is so much easier to say “Hi there hurt, or fear, or anxiety, I see you sitting there. Can I get you a glass of wine?” than pretend like I couldn’t see the dark shadow next to me on the couch, reaching for my chips.

A funny thing happened when I did this and accepted the difficulties of the day. When I just acknowledged I was hurting and tired —  things got easier. NOT at first. And I didn’t immediately become all blissed-out or anything enlightened like that.

But the in between parts, those bad-day moments, which were all little, niggly things (aren’t they always) that were giving me fits, just went away. I stopped noticing the little upsets. My shoulders dropped back down. My neck loosened. And when my husband made a joke, I didn’t laugh, but I thought about it.

Standing in the Storm

When I observed my experience and all that low energy circling around, it became okay. It didn’t feel like I had to fight against it. I  wouldn’t be lost to it. I could stand in the storm and watch it without blowing away.

The drama eased, because curious cannot co-exist with despair. Curiousity takes all my attention. If I’m curious about what is triggering me to upset, or curious about how the sadness and hurt feels in my body, or curious about what I am feeling, than that alone changes the nature of the bad.

And that, is how I went through bad-day Sunday, by first wallowing and fussing and blaming and then by becoming aware that it was all okay even if I wasn’t sure I was. I got curious about all that and the bad feelings morphed into something more interesting.

It wasn’t a quick fix, but I’m not going for a fix. I’m going for experience and growth and awareness and exploration and it was ALL that. By the end of all the messiness, I felt exhausted, sure, but hopeful and a little more gentle with myself.

This human being gig is demanding. Some days are tough. But, even then it’s okay, because if we are lucky, we get to start again.