Polly Campbell's Blog, page 2

Gratitude Comes When We Show Up for Life

I���ve had so much on my mind lately, so much I wanted to share and yet, I���ve been running around (and by around I mean between my home office and the kitchen) and didn���t have time to make it sound all good and writerly so I didn���t say anything at all. I held back until I could get it just right.But that isn’t the way I want to live. I don’t want to wait until everything comes together before I do things that feel important or meaningful or fun or interesting. I don’t want to play small if I can’t do it just right.�� Don’t want to sit quiet out of fear. We just do not have that kind of time, do we? We can’t wait to participate in life until we are thinner or smarter or richer or have better hair.�� Life is happening now, whether we are dressed for it or not.We are never going to be prepared enough for everything that comes our way. But we are good enough for it right now. Life is in the process, not the outcome. Vitality comes from participation. From the interaction, the exploration, experimentation. The attempt.Life is about showing up in our messy imperfection wearing the pandemic sweats and sharing ideas that aren���t perfectly formed yet but matter just the same. This is also the most fun way to live. To do stuff, right? To get off the sidelines and play in the game.We don���t have to be any certain way. We can just be. Be all in. That is good enough.Look, at the end of life, the outcome is the same for all of us. But it���s the process of living with curiosity and creativity and love and joy and appreciation and anger and envy and determination and grief and humor and resilience–no matter what we are facing– that allows us to feel the texture of our experience. To be a part of it.That���s what I���m thinking about today. And that fills me with gratitude because when I look at what I’m doing, I notice the goodness that surrounds me. The friend who dropped a surprise on my porch. The other who texted me in support. The random people who took time to review You, Recharged on Amazon. The one who sent me a thank you note. My husband for being so supportive and for sometimes just leaving me alone. The hot coffee in the morning. The vaccines my parents got and the volunteers who gave them the shots.Life is not easy. No way. But I am so grateful to go through it.�� My heart is so full. I just wanted to tell you.What are you grateful for today? Just thinking about it, will make you feel better and give you an energy boost.

The Power of Behaving Optimistically

I signed on��lines marked by yellow-sticky arrows while the loan officer described the fine print. It took about 15 minutes. I was 25 and had just purchased my first home.

In the parking lot, one arm dangling out the window of my green Mazda, I called my parents on the flip phone.

���Great,��� Dad said. “Here’s your mother.”

���Pretty exciting,��� said��Mom.

���You���d better hang on to that job of yours now. You���ve got a house payment to make.���

She knew I���d been unhappy in my public relations position and that I wanted to go out on my own and work as a full-time writer. What she didn���t know��was that I had already resigned from my public relations position.

I had no savings. No other income. No clients. I���d done a lot of work to prepare. I knew some of what I was up against, but knowledge wouldn���t pay the bills. This isn���t an endorsement of that decision.

But��I believed I would succeed and that optimistic outlook made the difference.

We all fall on the spectrum somewhere between optimism and pessimism,��and surprisingly, research shows most of us tend to lean a little more toward the positive side of things. I do.

But that doesn���t mean I���m blissfully happy, or even cheery. Plenty of negative thoughts keep me awake at night. Those things motivate me too because, like most optimists, I believe my efforts can make a positive impact.

Optimism, you see, isn���t only about attitude, it���s also about our behavior.��I can feel��negative about my health and still go to the gym to exercise��because as an optimist I believe my actions can improve things. If I work out, I���ll get healthier. Then, I’ll feel better. By choosing optimistic actions, I create better outcomes��that lead��to better feelings, resulting in the creation of more things to feel good about.

Optimists, according to researchers, tend to do the things they need to do to reach their goals��because, notably, they believe it will make a positive difference. They believe their efforts matter, so they get off the couch and get moving. They engage with the world.

These kinds of action-oriented approaches may also help optimists live longer, according to research.

Optimists often eat healthier, stop smoking more frequently, exercise more often, and manage stress in a way that doesn���t decimate their nervous systems or��immune function.

Optimism was the only edge I had when starting my writing business. Though my stomach ached with anxiety at times and I was filled with self-doubt, I kept at it.��I worked long hours, studied, practiced, hustled. I took small jobs nobody wanted. I did the dreaded cold calls. I diversified,��writing newspaper articles and brochure copy and corporate newsletter articles. I made a lot of mistakes. Big stupid ones. But��I learned. Adapted. Kept going. Believing that my persistence would pay off.

But the myth that you must always be cheery and happy to be optimistic gives optimism a bad look, because who can do that? Hard things happen. I feel bad sometimes. Depressed even. Still, I can��behave optimistically��even when I���m feeling pessimistic.

I don���t worry if the glass is half full or half empty. I figure it���s refillable, and next time I’ll get a margarita.

To understand��optimism is��a behavior and an��attitude��is such a relief. It means that even on my bad days, I can still��persist, create, contribute, and succeed.

This requires deliberate action, though. When I fall into a rut and don���t feel like anything I do matters because the world is going to end anyhow, I remind myself of the power of optimism. Here���s how.

Practice gratitude. This is the easiest way for me to move the optimism dial up a notch. Give thanks. For your breath, for the cat sitting on the page you are trying to read, for your shoes. It doesn���t matter. Pause. Become aware. Then list it, say it, or sing it, whatever works, just leave time each day to take in what is good.Adopt a growth mindset. When we can see setbacks or failures as learning opportunities rather than a reflection of our own character flaws and limitations, we feel better, sure. But it���s also motivating because we are more excited to try again, knowing that we can learn what we need to know to improve. When something isn���t working, just say, ���I just haven���t figured it out��� yet.���Whenever I have a proposal rejected, I do this, reminding myself, “It just isn’t ready yet.” Then I get��busy making it better to send out again.Take a minute for some “best-selfies.” Put down the phone, drop the camera,��pick up your notepad, and turn on your imagination. I read about this practice in a study published in the�� Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry and have been doing it ever since. Start fantasizing about your best self. What will you and your best life look like five or ten years from now? Get specific, but stay focused on a positive future, rather than the challenges you���ve faced in the past. Take a minute to think about how healthy and energetic you are (five years out), how your book has become a bestseller and your husband is adorable and you���ve got checks worth $3,250��filling your mailbox each day and your hair is styling and your team is winning. Whatever it is, create the best��possible life in your imagination and feel your optimism increase.

It���s been nearly 29 years now. And the writing gig? It���s worked out. I���ve written some books. Thousands of articles. Now, a podcast. Never missed a house payment���sold that little home years ago for something a tad bigger.

There have been setbacks, for sure. Disappointments, yep. Worries, at times. But I always believed I could find my way through. I still do today. Maybe that’s why I have.

Feeling Burned Out and Stuck? Here’s One Way to Get Through

Last week, the only thing I could think to make for dinner was tacos.

Seriously, in this vast world of culinary opportunities, I had nothing. Not a single idea. Nothing inspired me or sounded good.

Everything seemed exhausting and hard and boring. Blah. And,  I just didn’t have the bandwidth to come up with anything else except tacos. Again. We eat them. All. The. Time.

We have a partnership here. Everybody pitches in, so I have a lot of support with the dishes and shopping and laundry, but cooking is on me. And last week, the pressure of coming up with another meal on another day just felt like too much. I was plumb out of ideas, bored by all of them. It was a little thing, sure, but it illustrates how I was feeling about work and quarantine and the daily routine. I was drained, exhausted, and worn.

This isn’t a new feeling. Been stuck before. Will be again. Even wrote a book about how to recharge and get unstuck in early pandemic season. I live by the principles, knowing that the energy of life ebbs and flows. It doesn’t have to be scary or lead to sickness or upset. When we recognize that fatigue, those feelings of burnout that come from doing so much for so long and holding so much stress, we can cope and move beyond them.

Get Curious to Get Going

Instead of making tacos–again–I put one of my favorite recharge practices in place that day and did the easiest thing I could do in that moment. I got curious.

Curiosity allows us to engage with the moments of our lives, to invite novelty in. It moves us to a place of participation and experience, and in the process, research shows curious people tend to be happier, more, empathetic, healthier.

But here’s the big thing for me: Curiosity inspires learning. Motivates us to look at the old, mundane routines in new ways. And new perspectives are energizing.

Wanting to know more about something pushes us toward that rabbit hole of associations and ideas. New people and places. Growth. And the discovery of things that are helpful, funny, surprising, or unexpected.

So how, when we are seated firmly on the couch tired and complaining, can we invoke this curious feeling and use it to inspire our lives?

Start with a question.

And if you aren’t sincerely interested in, say, what to make for dinner—again—fake it.

To solve the “what-can-I-make-for-dinner problem,” for example, I decided to surround myself with some inspiration and I pulled down my mother-in-law’s old cookbook. Yes, like any good cookbook, it was filled with recipe ideas. But it was filled with a lot more.

She had written notes, in her diligent cursive, adapting recipes to her boys’ tastes. There were recipes passed down from her mother. Insights into the family.

I cooked Spanish rice. But the conversations at the dinner table with my husband and daughter that night were more important than any food. My husband told stories, shared things I’d never heard before. The tales were fascinating and fun and added novelty and intrigue to our regular dinnertime ritual.

My husband, who I’ve been with for nearly 20 years, and I had new things to talk about. We learned about each other. And it deepened our connection. Research shows curiosity, aside from boosting happiness and health, also builds empathy and enhances relationships. I felt it that night.

Take time to question your ideas, to wonder about your feelings and experience, to challenge the familiar. And ask about others too and then listen well to their answers. That curiosity will help you connect in a new way and lead you out of that stuck place.

Four Ways to Ignite Your Curiosity

There are many ways to ignite curiosity. Here are a few you can use to get unstuck.

Add something fun to the dullest job. First, you have to get curious about what that would be, right? When I had a series of business reports to write, I left my ukulele on my desk. And after each page I completed, I’d strum the uke for a few minutes. I didn’t get good, but I did get curious about playing a tune and that prompted me to learn a short song, which I could play by the end of the day. This was satisfying and fun and eased my stress by making it easier to work through the reports.

Learn new things. When I take my pandemic workout to the exercise bike in the corner of the room, I plug in a podcast. I don’t like exercise, but I find myself looking forward to them now because I’m excited to listen to my next podcast.

Mix it up. I’m a fan of writing and true crime podcasts, but yesterday I listened to one about music, and another about pop culture. Which spurred another project idea and had me totally engaged. Often, we become stuck because we become so familiar with our own lives. Our work, our routines, our houses, and our relationships. We tend to overlook their nuances, this leaves us feeling dull and burned out.

Recharge by doing the same old things differently. I love to read mystery books, but I recently popped an interesting memoir into my reading list and it sparked a whole new line of thinking. I write nonfiction but have also started sketching just a few minutes a day. I won’t show anyone my art, but that’s not the point.

It was something I’d never done and wanted to learn. That’s a good question to ask yourself when you are stymied. “What is something I’ve always wanted to learn to do?”

Then take a step toward that thing.

When I asked myself that question I realized I wanted to be able to draw simple sketches to accompany my journal entries. I was surprised by that realization. Immediately watched a beginning drawers video on YouTube, and got sucked into something fun and new.

Our energy and physical and emotional resources are going to fluctuate throughout our lives, but we don’t have to stay stuck in the doldrums. By nurturing our curiosity, by deliberately calling on this quality, we also build greater resilience. Curiosity motivates us to learn, adapt, explore new ways of living, coping, surviving, thriving.

This means, we can all recharge, we can overcome burnout and manage our stress and feeling inspired and engaged again no matter what we face in life.

Curious about how you can do it in your own life? Well, then, that’s a start.

What Happens When We Stop Talking and We Start Doing

“I’m terrified,” a friend texted. 

She’s growing her business, creating an event, and needed to write her marketing materials.

“I have zero skills in writing to market events,” she said. “But I have to start somewhere so I’m just freaking doing it.”

Right? Just freaking do it. There is so much to learn and experience and try in this life and it’s that doing, giving energy to the things we are curious about or compelled by, the things that we value and care about that adds meaning to our lives.And meaning? Well, that adds years to our life and increases well-being. We are happier and healthier when we do the things that matter to us, according to Michael Steger, director of the Center for Meaning and Purpose at Colorado State University.You see? It isn’t the sitting around talking about it for 4 years that adds the meaning. I know. Because I gave that a good try. I spent years talking about creating my podcast, Polly Campbell, Simply Said. Wrote notes about hypothetical episodes. Talked about the interviews and content. A lot of planning. But little doing.

Then, I just freaking did it. I signed up for a class, bought a mic and earphones, and launched the show in about three months. It isn’t perfect. And that almost kept me from creating it at all. But, it’s good and fun and I’ve learned so much. And here’s the clincher, it has been so fun and meaningful. I’ve heard from listeners that they like it too, downloads are tripling each month, and all of this feels good. Worthwhile. It’s been running almost two years now.

It’s the process that matters most. The doing. And that’s where we get stuck because the process is imperfect and messy and scary. We focus on the end-game, outcomes because that seems clearer than the muddle in the middle.

Think parenting. It no-kidding sucks at times, keeps us from sleeping at night, so we focus on how in the end, we’ll have a happy adult. Yet, it’s the raising the child that adds so much meaning and value to our lives.

Think about your job or volunteer efforts. These things take effort. Hard work. We don’t always want to do them. We have to confront heartache and fear and frustration. But, there is also purpose and meaning. Satisfaction. Resilience. The day-to-day doing is the payoff. The participating is where the satisfaction and vitality and inspiration and joy reside.

And it’s not hard all the time. We feel better when we get going. When we contribute and learn and grow. When we are a part of something. Making something. Because this is how we are wired, to engage and play and create and connect.

Life isn’t in the talking about. It isn’t in the planning. And perfection? Not an option. Life doesn’t work that way. Growth doesn’t work that way. This is why doing the thing that feels meaningful or important is also scary, because it matters and we want to get it right. And we won’t. Not every time out.  And that will challenge us to keep going, try again.

When I was so stuck and frustrated, I decided to investigate and practice ways to recharge. Ways to get unstuck and enjoy my life again.  What I learned has helped a lot during the pandemic. And I detail my story and the practices I used in my newest book, You, Recharged How to Beat Fatigue (mostly) Amp Up Your Energy (usually) and Enjoy Life Again (always). I hope you like it. I hope you use it. To get unstuck, to recharge, to find joy.

Because, as I’ve learned, it isn’t only the reading or the researching or the thinking and talking about life that inspires us, it’s the doing.  It’s the living itself.

What will you freaking do today?

The Modern-Day Stress of Streaming

Yesterday, for the first time in weeks, I had two hours of uninterrupted time while my family was out. My husband and daughter went for a drive so my��teen��daughter could rock out to the metal music they both love.

Two hours! What should I do? Meditate? Exercise? Read?

No. Obviously, I should binge-watch shows on the streaming service we began to pipe in during the pandemic.

Yes. I rarely get time to watch the edgy, dark shows I���m curious about and the British procedurals that I like,��so that���s what I would do.

Only I didn���t. Because as I cycled through the possibilities, I began to feel my neck ache. My shoulders tightened. And I was fidgeting with impatience.

Scrolling. There’s one. Nope. Doesn’t fit my mood. Scrolling. Maybe this? Nope. Argh. I couldn���t decide what to watch, and I felt upset with myself that I was spending the little time I had stressing about my streaming service choices.

Stressed��and Unsatisfied

Finally, after a few minutes spent trying to pick a program to enjoy, I came up with���nothing. It wasn���t hard to find some interesting programs;��I mean, I wasn���t looking at elite award winners, didn���t care if I watched the best one. But I had a hard time deciding on any. I shut off the television and opened the book instead. Deciding not to decide felt like the best option of all.

New research led by Thomas Saltsman,��a psychology researcher at the University of Buffalo, found that satisficers, defined as those who do limited research or give limited thought before picking a ���good-enough��� choice, feel more��threatened and uncomfortable than maximizers or those who search extensively to find what they consider the best option.

Other research has indicated maximizers would experience the greatest amount of stress and decision insecurity because of the time and thought spent weighing dozens of options. But��nope, when it came to choosing a streaming show, I cut the search early to avoid the discomfort caused by too many choices. Instead of picking any one that would have been good enough, I had to get out of there and avoid picking anything at all.

The more choices we have, the more difficult it can become to process the information to help us select the ideal option. This is exhausting���and one reason I don���t like to shop. Just give me a pair of jeans and a t-shirt or colored shirt.

When faced with multiple choices, we also tend to feel less satisfied���buyers remorse anyone?���and more like we���ve made a mistake and picked the wrong option, according to psychologist Sheena Iyengar from Columbia University.��I���ve often felt pressure around even the simplest decisions, quickly moving into a ���just-pick-one��� stance to move on and move forward. While the so-called biggest decisions tend to be easier for me to deal with. The options appear clearer, perhaps.

Reality Check

In reality, the multitude of decisions we make every day��may not matter a whole lot to our��happiness. We tend to worry, research, and even agonize about decisions big and small, anticipating potential outcomes, so we can avoid making the wrong decisions. But rarely��do we accurately predict the impact of our decisions, either good or bad. Psychologist Daniel Gilbert says the consequences of our decisions���whether trivial or significant���are not as intense as we expect.

But��now, I���m working to do what Saltsman suggests��and become a little more mindful and less reactive around any decision. To be more curious rather than obsessive.��Somedays, I���ll be a maximizer, like when it comes to selecting the best doctor for my unique health challenges. Other times, I���ll be a satisficer, picking one of the many award-winning books I have on my shelf. But��every day, I���m going to notice how I���m approaching these matters.

Our emotions weigh heavily into what we���ll pick and how we���ll decide. When angry, we tend to make different decisions than we do when we are feeling happy��in love. Emotions are an important part of��decision making��and shouldn���t be overlooked, but it���s worth slowing down long enough to notice what it is we are feeling and why, so we can account for them or wait until they ease.

And with your emotions in check, you might be able to rely on your intuitive sense to guide you, or you at least might be freed up intellectually to consider an alternate perspective or give it up altogether and go do something else that feels good.

That���s what I did that day. I picked up a book. Enjoyed the quiet time reading while my family was gone. In the end, the choice was easy.�� Yeah. Right.

This is Why You Bring Your Best Energy

Yesterday, Sweet P’s teacher showed up late to the class wearing a jog bra and eating a sandwich.On camera, you could see the teacher chewing, staring into the computer, beige décor, a coffee table in the background.My daughter was lying in her bed, logged in for a class the lasted 12 minutes. I watched with her, sitting on the end of the twin, before the teacher told the kids to “just get caught up,” and logged off.I told Sweet P to get up then, do her other homework, and get ready for the next.“Why should I care, when my teacher doesn’t?” asked my girl.This is what I’ve said, though it wasn’t’ smooth or polished.  This is why you should care.Because it isn’t up to others to determine the course of your life. It isn’t their responsibility to motivate us or move us. It’s nice if they do it. It’s handy if they challenge us and love us and coach us. Great if they show up at their best.But, what we learn, how we live, what we create and experience in our lives is our business.Listen, I get that the world isn’t all rainbows and unicorns right now. Teachers need to show up even when it’s hard, and so do doctors and mail carriers and truck drivers and Moms. This is not an easy moment for any of us. So, what. Really. Me wishing for something different doesn’t make it so. I’ve moved beyond that.This is the moment we have. We will get through it. But how we emerge, is up to the energy we bring to our lives. This isn’t anybody else’s responsibility.It would be cool if it was all fair, we all got the vaccine on time, had amazing teachers, and plenty of money and opportunity and food.But, what you have is this moment. It’s up to you what you do with it.So, my darling daughter, you should care, because you are the keeper of your life experience.What you do now, becomes who you are later and that is worthwhile. There isn’t a special space in life when everything becomes easy, but there is so much that is interesting and possible and meaningful.Your success, and health, and happiness, is not up to anyone else. That is the good news. You get to make your life. If you are loved and encouraged and treated fairly and respectfully; if you are healthy and strong; if you are safe you have so much to be grateful for.But, in Life School you learn, it isn’t always that way. It mostly isn’t that way. And, here’s the thing to know, in those moments you have so much to be grateful for, too.And when nobody else seems to care, or notice, or work hard or look out for others, here is what you do—you get up anyhow. You work hard. You care for yourself and others. You notice. You learn. Because you value you. Because this is the gift. Right now. This life.You do the things that matter anyhow. Because it’s who you are and who you will become. And that is up to you. Lifeschool.

The One Thing I Want My Daughter to Know

It was a little thing. I got after my 14-year-old for not unloading the dishwasher.

But it felt big, and too much, and crushing. She cried and stomped and yelled. Later when she calmed down, she apologized. Said it wasn’t about the dishwasher. It was never about the dishwasher.��

I��get it.

It was about��COVID-19��and missing her friends and remote learning. She is worried about the election and the��anger��in the world. She has a mom who expects some chores to get done.��Feels like life piling on.

“It’s too much,” she said.�����I just feel like I have no control over anything like there is nothing I can do.”

Of course, there is so much we can’t control, not just this year, but always. It’s easy to be burdened by��stress��and��fear.

But we have total control over how we respond. There is power in that. That���s what I want my daughter to know.

Believe in Your Ability

Albert Bandura��and others called this belief in our own ability to do what we need to do to solve, succeed, survive �����self-efficacy. It���s the root of our persistence, grit,��optimism,��resilience.

Believing we are capable of getting through the tough spots��actually helps us do it. We become capable, stronger. That eases our stress and in a real way enhances our sense of autonomy.

This is what I want my daughter to know. Not that we���ll be OK, though I believe that to be true. Not that it’s easy. It’s not.

I want my daughter to know that even in the upset, even under stress, even when she is sad, she is capable. Capable of getting through, making a positive difference. Feeling good again.

Though it���s my nature as a mother��to step in, take over, save her from any hurt���as though I��could���it���s my��job��as a parent to stand alongside her during the tough times. To reflect back her own strength.

If we step in too soon, we are sending a message to our kids that they can���t cope. That we don���t believe in their ability to handle hard things. This teaches them not to rely on themselves, or ask others for help.��If we take over, we rob��our kids of the chance to learn resilience and self-efficacy, the kind��of coping skills they���ll need throughout their lives.

Stepping back a bit, isn���t easy to do, especially now, but here are four things I’m practicing.

1. Wait. Take a breath before you rush in.��See what your kid is capable of and let them figure that out for themselves. Watch what they can do.

2. Offer suggestions, examples, demonstrations, encouragement, but not the absolutes.��Flexible thinking and��creativity��are essential to problem-solving. Offer some prompts to get your child thinking, then back away, and see what they come up with. Chances are, your child will come up with a different solution, one that might be a whole lot messier, but work just as well.

3. Make room for the big feelings.��It���s OK to feel scared, curious, angry, worried. Heck, I felt all of those in the last five minutes. Make it safe for your son or daughter to share whatever they are feeling. Let them air out their thoughts. Vent. Cry. Don���t judge or interrupt. Don���t try to fix, just be with them. We all need time to release, to feel validated.

4. Highlight their successes.��When your child displays a resilient attitude or an effective coping strategy, call it out. “I like the way you are thinking through this,” I told my daughter the other day. Or, “I think that perspective must be helpful.” Then they can identify what’s working and helping.

When my daughter was very young she���d often get derailed by her big feelings and have a hard time managing her��anxiety. We created a ritual at the end of the day, where she could blurt out all her worries. This would take about 15 minutes and then she was good to go again.

Instead of dwelling on these things during the day then, she put them on a Worry List, knowing that she didn’t have to deal immediately because she could come back to them and we’d work through them later.

We still blurt things out. Cry together. Talk things through. We still worry, but we also know that we can cope. That no matter what happens next, we are capable and there is power in that.

That’s what I want my daughter to know, now.

“Honey, You’ve got this.”

Making a Move — Will You Join Me?

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Relax, It’s OK to Enjoy Life, Especially Now

Allowing time for things you enjoy is essential to well-being.

I���m reading more during the pandemic. Not just the��few minutes at bedtime when tired eyes make the words hard to follow, but also after work, before dinner.��Saturday mornings before the others are up.

I���m also spending more time outside. And cooking. Playing the ukulele. And having deeper, more interesting conversations with my husband. I spend more time loving the cat. Playing��cards with my kid. And all this just feels good.

Yes, even with the stress, disappointments,��and concerns over COVID-19, diminishing returns on my work, and the health of my aging parents, I feel happy.

I didn’t know what it was before. This kind of happiness feels misplaced during a time of so much change and upheaval. I noticed only that I was less reactive. I was feeling calmer, more grounded.

Perhaps, I thought,��it���s because I���ve had a little more time to relax. I’m not commuting to work appearances or meetings, no back-to-school nights,��or gym workouts. I’m not frantically cooking dinner in the minutes after work before my husband needs to leave for his running club. There is no longer a running club. Mostly, we stay home now.

Life pre-COVID was full and interesting, for sure. I miss hugs with my parents and long dinners with friends. I miss hearing my daughter���s stories about school and watching her play soccer.

But the forced withdrawal has given me some��space in my schedule, and I’m filling it with things I enjoy.��Things that, in the past, would have felt lazy or unnecessary.

Those so-called lazy activities now feel as important and��meaningful as the goal-directed, focused tasks I spent most of my days doing.

A new study from the University of Zurich and Radboud University in the Netherlands led by motivational psychologist Katharina Bernecker��found that our capacity to enjoy simple pleasures���things that cultivate hedonistic happiness��without the distraction���is essential to our happiness and well-being.

Pursuing meaningful goals, creating habits that support our values and desires���such as eating healthier foods to achieve weight-loss���and cultivating the self-control needed to accomplish our objectives make for��a happier and more satisfying life too.

But Bernecker���s research indicates a balance is essential. That’s something I’ve rarely had. I’ve been dogged in pursuit of long-term goals, often forgoing my immediate desires to relax, or indulge in a treat, or sleep in on a Saturday, in favor of pressing on with the work or exercise.

I don’t do that anymore. Now, instead of shuttling kids to soccer or school, I’m using that time to create space in my schedule to relax and enjoy. I’m visiting with my daughter, listening to podcasts, reading on the back deck. And I’ve become more mindful of the good things in life, wedged between the challenges.

This time spent to do more of what I enjoy has led to other��unexpected shifts too. Rather than feeling so burned out at work, I feel more relaxed and motivated. I have greater clarity and responsiveness. I’m no longer as impatient, reactive, frantic.

A Balance of Both

In the study, Bernecker says, ���the pursuit of hedonic and long-term goals needn���t conflict with one another. Our research shows that both are important and can complement each other in achieving well-being and good health.���

We must, though, keep the intrusive thoughts, the ones that distract us from experiencing pleasure and savoring the moment, from crowding out our��good feelings.

This isn���t easy, but it’s worthwhile. Downtime isn’t a luxury. It isn’t laziness. Reframe it as a way to stay healthy, happy. An approach��to help us avoid burnout and manage stress.

And when we feel good and less stressed, our health and well-being improve. Our immune systems function better. When our stress is managed, we are less susceptible to flu and cold viruses, headaches, and chronic conditions.

I felt the changes in my body before I knew why. Now that��time spent doing something simply because I enjoy it helps me be healthier, happier, more successful at everything else.

I still hear that inner critic, though. You know, the one who��calls��us ���lazy��� when we take a break, or the raspy-voiced inner coach who tells us to ���get up and work harder.��� Now��that I recognize it, I can diffuse the urgency by acknowledging that it’s OK.��I will get back on task, finish the job or the chore. The toilets will get cleaned; the post will get written.��Right after I enjoy this one��precious moment.

Now it’s your turn. Set aside some time to do something fun. Something that brings you pleasure. Protect time on a Saturday afternoon to do whatever you like. Or use the mini-breaks throughout your day to relax, read a few pages in a book, savor a good lunch, or mindfully listen to music by your favorite band during breaks at work.

Life is plenty hard, but by building in the things that help us relax and feel good, we can better manage it all. It���s OK to feel good���and in the end, we���ll be healthier for it.

The best way to honor our life is to enjoy it.

Want to Feel Happier? Avoid Social Media and Add in a Hobby

Some activities lead to positive emotions that can help us build resilience.

A few weeks ago, to make the family Zoom call more entertaining, I played the ukulele.

We���ve been sharing our talents���I use the term loosely���during our weekly calls. My mom taught an art lesson, my sister twirled the baton like she did when she was a child. My husband did a fly-tying demonstration.

When it was my turn, I pulled out the ukulele, for the first time in a couple of years. After that Zoom call, I tipped the instrument against my desk instead of putting it away. And I���ve played it every day since.

The practices, usually just a few minutes between work tasks, or calls, are helping me to become a slightly better ukulele player. But there are a couple of other benefits that are even better.

I mentioned this to my husband a few weeks ago. Playing the uke just a few minutes a day, seemed to change my attitude about everything. Life felt a little lighter.

Now after��reading research��out of the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, I have a better idea why.

After surveying more than 600 Americans, researchers found some are feeling higher rates of loneliness and anxiety���as expected during a pandemic. But others are thriving and feeling more gratitude, appreciation, and other positive emotions that are helping them to feel good during this time.

These are the people, according to the study, who are adding in activities that generally lead to positive emotions. Things like exercise, compelling hobbies, relaxation, safe social connection, helping others, prayer or meditation, and other self-care strategies.

Not only do we enjoy the activity while we are doing it, (mostly, I hate exercise, but I feel proud of myself when I���m working out) but the positive feelings that emerge also help buffer us from the bad, making us more resilient.

The effect is even more powerful for those who are experiencing more negative emotions.

���The more stressed, anxious, lonely or depressed you are, the more it matters that you take time to exercise and care for yourself,��� writes��Barbara L. Fredrickson, director of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology (PEP) lab at the university, and Michael M. Prinzing, a graduate fellow in the lab.

The way to better feelings even in the COVID-era isn���t to deny the fear or confusion, upset, or anxiety. This isn���t about suppression. But we must also deliberately add in positive, life-enhancing activities, according to research. Things we can turn to even when we are feeling low.

The researchers suggest we even write these kinds of self-care activities into our calendars so we are regularly reminded to do them. That helps me too. I schedule exercise in and now, I make sure I have a few minutes free between things to spontaneously play the ukulele.

It���s absorbing, challenging. I���ve got a lot to learn before I���ll be able to play it well, but every time I strum it, I���m engaged. Curious. I also find there isn���t the mental bandwidth for me to think of anything else. During those few minutes I���m wholly focused on this hobby and in the end, that feels like a break. A rest and reprieve from weightier issues.

Turns out the ukulele has become a major coping tool for me. And it���s also replaced one of my bad habits.

It used to be you could find my mindlessly scrolling through social media posts and linked articles during my breaks. I���d wind up ruminating over bad news, upset over the negativity and despair this is also out there, a part of our experience. I���d get stuck in those feelings and feel more stressed. I���d have a harder time focusing on my work too.

Social media can intensify our negative��feelings like stress and anxiety, without enhancing our good feelings.��The new uke-playing hobby I���ve picked up means I spend less time online. I still read the news from reliable sources at the beginning of the day, but I don���t get involved in the back-and-forth posts about it. I think that���s another reason I���m feeling a bit happier, more grounded, less reactive.

Throughout the day, for just a few minutes at a time, I���m doing something that feels good and interesting. That habit has replaced one that often made me feel bad. Makes sense, right?

Maybe it will work for you too. What interesting, healthy, fun activity can you add into your day to help generate better feelings? Mediate? Sit outside and watch the birds? Play music loudly and dance? Maybe you���ll cook or go for a walk or do cross-stitch or watercolor. Pick something that feels intriguing, positive, challenging, satisfying. Something that enhances your life adds meaning and the benefits will outweigh the bad feelings.