Polly Campbell's Blog, page 11

Authentically Going All In

Ever notice when you tell your truth, even the icky, embarrassing, don’t-have-it-all together truth that leaves you feeling vulnerable and insecure, that some people turn away embarrassed, but others will sigh and nod their heads and offer a been-there-done-that smile. Then they will support and encourage you rather judge or bolster with white lies.

They’ll root for you a little bit and you will root for them too because we have all been-there-done-that and you know it is hard every single time and they know it is hard, this being human thing and we know that we must celebrate any and all efforts to grow and learn and live well while we are here.

It so much easier to be a human when you run into those people. Those people who let you see that they are human too. We can connect then to each other. Go a little deeper and judge a little less because while there are some crazy-ass people doing some things we would never do, there is plenty of stuff we have done in our flawed, human status, in our full-on imperfection that is just as crazy-ass.

We will not always get the life thing right. Not even close and I’m totally down with that. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t scary when the idea fails or the story is rejected or my lack-of-parenting skill is on full display in the supermarket. But in these moments of ick we can help each other feel not so lonely and afraid in our wrongness.

You Are Not Alone

We can stick together. We can teach other, and laugh and hug and say, ‘whoa, do I know that feeling and you are not alone” and then we all become a little braver. And authentic. And able to share our truth and our experience and our talents and gifts and ideas with the world in a way that can really change it for the better. When we feel brave, we are free to come off the bench and participate.

Not every person can be this kind of human for you, the one that can deal with your drama in a supportive way. Not everyone should. But you can be this for another. And, we can all stop judging each other and then we can go find those who are willing to tell us when we have spinach in our teeth and those who are strong enough to hear our story, to hear our truth.

Of course it is preferable that these are the same friends that keep a good bottle of the wine in the cupboard for the days when the truth sucks.

Find these people. Check the cupboard for the wine. And, stay close to both the people and the cupboard.

Honor these people by being vulnerable and authentic and alive and brave enough to stand next to them when they go all in too.

Wrestling with Authenticity

I’m writing about authenticity this week because it is the repeating theme in my life right now and I’ve learned to pay attention to that kind of stuff.

It’s come up with my daughter and what *I* thought she needed to look like on picture day. It surfaced again as I promote my newest book How to Live an Awesome Life and learn to balance the needs of marketing – I am passionate about this book and

I want it to sell well —  with my discomfort and lack of expertise when it comes to promotion. It’s also the topic of a popular article. Seems we are all wrestling with ourselves.

Last week, my daughter had picture day at school and we filled out the form and Sweet P picked the shirt she wanted to wear, not my fave, but not terrible either and then she came out with her hair. Oh, her hair. And headband. Pretty sure it was bigger than her head. Oh My. But she was excited and she felt AWESOME!

And I started to go all Mom, rearranging, and suggesting, and fixing. I stopped just short of spit-licking my finger to wipe off any smudges on her face. After all, these are the photos that will go to the grandparents and all.

And then, in an incredible moment of awareness, which happened when I turned away for just a sec to pour myself a cup o’ joe, I was saved from myself. Right there. I got it.

When, I turned back toward her, I saw that she looked just like Sweet P. Full of life and energy and sweetness and the headband surrounded a healthy brain and mocha-colored hair which is clean because we have shampoo and water and a shower. And her eyes are sparkly and curious and she had a little, confident smile on her face which I usually get when she’s acting more self-aware and mature than I am.

And all I could see was light and all I could feel was gratitude for this being that I get to live with in this place we get to live.

Sweet P is completely herself. In every way. And that isn’t always convenient for me. It isn’t always polite or comfortable for me, but it is so honest and real and authentic. I admire her. I want to help her stay close to that authenticity, rather than get in the way of it.

I’m learning a tremendous amount about myself by loving her. And I know today, that those pics are going to look just like Sweet P and I am so glad and grateful.

Three Things About Living with Purpose

Art by Erin Cairney White

Purpose is one of those intangible things that many of us are working to get a grip on. Except, we don’t know what to take hold of. What is purpose? And what does it matter?

There is some research to suggest that when we have a purpose in life – an idea of what we are meant to contribute or do, or a focus on something we want to create – that we are more satisfied and have greater well-being. In short, we feel better.

But there are plenty of ways to live meaningful lives without any clarity on purpose. In my new book How to Live an Awesome Life, I write about passion  and purpose, how to discover those qualities for you, if you want. But, I’m also clear that if you don’t know what the heck you are meant to do in this world, that’s ok too. In fact, you are probably living your purpose without even knowing it.

3 Things About Purpose

1.It is not a job, label, role you play. It’s an expression of who you are. It’s expressed in how you relate to others, what you choose to do, how you handle adversity, what matters to you.

2. The way your purpose shows up may change frequently throughout your life. Your purpose may be to encourage and teach others. That may be expressed through parenting, working as a school teacher, volunteering at a non-profit, or visiting with friends over coffee. There is no limit to how our purpose is expressed.

3. Even if you *know* your purpose, it’s bigger than you think. You may believe your purpose is to write books, or support your family, or even run a conscious business, but it is so much bigger than that. Those are good things. Simply leading with kindness and compassion is a good thing, you don’t have to accomplish anything at all to live your purpose — you do it by being all that you are.

But when we go looking for purpose, we look often start at the outcomes — the finished book — when purpose actually threads through the entire process. It isn’t and end point. Purpose is  how we do the work, live the life, breathe into the next moment., or the thing we are doing now. It is so much bigger than the book, or the job, or even parenting the child. It is how we show up in the moments that are our life.  And, this is why you don’t need to worry if you don’t know what your purpose is — because you are already expressing it. Right now.

And that is enough.

Passion Revealed With a Little Work

Act Now Message To Inspire And Motivate

Passion – a zest for an activity or job or task — is usually one of those wish-list qualities that everybody wants to find in life. We associate passion with vitality and energy and engagement and meaning and we feel like we are missing out – like the last ones picked in PE – when we can’t seem to discover what drives us or when we are working a job that feels anything but inspiring.

And this is the one thing — out of the scores of topics I’ve written about — that people bring up time and time again. Usually, with a hint of panic.

“What if I don’t know what my passion is?” they ask.

“I don’t even know what I like to do anymore,” some say — usually the parents of young children who imagine everyone else staying up past 8:30 having rollicking fun.

They feel bad about this, that they don’t know what excites them. Like somehow they’ve broken a big rule, done something wrong because they no longer know what drives them.

First off, don’t worry. You can have a great life without every knowing what your so-called passions are. And, passions change through the years. So, whether you have a single thing that drives you or a bunch of things that are fun to do, or you don’t have a clue right now, you’re good. It’s okay. You are not doomed for a lonely life of channel surfing. Secondly, some of the most fun you can have comes when you have no idea what you’re passionate about because then you are bound to explore and play and try new things to discover what inspires you.

Passion Does Not Appear While Laying on the Couch

This kind of exploration is part of discovering your passion. It can be elusive, particularly if we are waiting. Passion doesn’t just show up, smack you upside the head, and say “show me some love.” It requires you to engage in life. And try some things — things you probably aren’t going to like a whole lot. Not everything sticks.

But, when we get out in the world, when we are out there participating, showing up, trying new things, contributing to our communities, playing, we are more apt to stumble into something that interests us in a big way. Those interests ignite into something bigger, something we become passionate about.

That’s how it happens. We are more likely to learn something new, be inspired, and intrigued when we are putting a little effort out.

Passion Comes With Effort 

Passion builds when we are working hard on something that we have some influence over and can see progress or improvement along the way, according to research led by Michael Gielnik. It emerges from effort.

This could be helpful news to the millions who are working in jobs they aren’t passionate about and for the supervisors who are working to motivate those millions. If people are given an opportunity to lead a project they are curious about, one that requires effort, but also one where they can see positive progress, they are likely to be more passionate. Effort with autonomy begets passion. And passion often compels more effort.

Debunking the Passion is Easy Myth

It isn’t easy though, living close to your passions. This surprises people. We have this notion that the things we are passionate about should feel fun and easy. Should flow. Sure, it is satisfying to work on something you are passionate about, but often it’s the challenge of the thing that motivates us.

Working with your passion – say writing, or running, or cooking, or selling– can be tough because there is so much to learn. Improvement can be slow. Mastery is unlikely — ask any golfer.

Our passions are often things that require open-ended skill, writes psychologist Paul Silvia. In other words, they sometimes make you want to bash your head against the monitor. Maybe that’s just me.

They require hard work. Effort. But at least it’s not wasted, because now we know, that the effort itself may be the very thing that helps passion emerge.

How to Avoid a Meltdown

Last night was a mommy-meltdown kind of night.

I got upset over things that were not getting done in this house, burdens that were falling squarely on me though I live with two other people who are wholly capable of taking on some of them. Seriously, am I the only one who can pick up a towel or load the toilet paper?

I let my people know my frustrations. Then I let them know again. And again. And, then I lost my audience entirely and that also ticked me off. So, I told them again, in a little louder tone, how displeased I was. Yes, it was that kind of night.

Finally, I shut up (mostly because nobody was listening anymore) and I took a timeout And by the time I settled and brushed my teeth and put on my pajamas and decided NOT to run off to the Bahamas – yet, I didn’t feel better. Not at all. In fact I felt worse. Because when the quiet descended in the bedroom while I brushed my teeth alone, I realized what a crackpot I’d been. I felt disappointment and hurt and upset that I’d taken such a crash-and-burn approach to family management.

While I feel like I had valid complaints — I  need more support and help around here so we can work as a team to accomplish what we want as a family – I didn’t need to nag, harangue, play the part of the woe-is-me victim, harass, or otherwise combust emotionally.

I could have done something like, you know, talked in a calm voice. Stated my case. Then shut-up. I certainly would have accomplished more without all the bad feelings that followed me around the rest of the night.

4 Ways to Be Heard and Avoid the Mama Freak-out

Ultimately, my approach resulted in a setback. Instead of clearly sharing my concerns, I came off sounding crotchety and confused and petty and immature. Nobody could hear what I was trying to say because I was so repetitive and uptight.  They had to stop listening as a matter of self-preservation. Seriously, people. By the end, even I was sick of hearing myself. And, instead of solving the pesky, little things that have been bugging me, I created a bigger problem that distracted us from the original issue.

And I certainly didn’t like the communication hangover I woke up with.

Next time, I’ll do it waaay differently. Here’s how:

1. Take a deep breath and calm down, sister.

2. Share concerns in a single sentence using “I feel…”

“When, people don’t do what they say they will do around the house, like pay the bills or clean up after the cats I feel tired, and stressed and                      frustrated.

3. Make a clear request that others can accomplish.

“I would like to request that…each night before dinner Sweet P feeds that cat.”

Or, “I’m requesting that you take care of the bills by the 28th of each month or ask me to help.”

4. Get quiet to hear any feedback. Ask for a response to your request, and be open to whatever comes. You might not get the answer you’d like, but with this kind of calm approach there can be a discussion, one that makes room for other ideas and solutions that will work better or just as well.

Instead of freaking out then, I’m hoping to foster dialogue, connection and even a feeling of teamwork. At least we are all bound to feel better and that might just be enough to get the toilet paper rolls changed.

Take the Gift

The yellow gold heart shape earrings with sparkly things encrusted on top were not my faves. I didn’t love the wrench for the garbage disposal – though I needed it was a teeny bit symbolic. The t-shirt two sizes too small. The award I received for doing just what I thought I should be doing, nothing more, nothing special. Kelly green crystal punch bowl. Beautiful. But, green.

Over the years, I’ve received some fabulous gifts. AND some great garage sale inventory.

But, I’ve always been touched. Now that buying presents for Sweet P and her friends’ birthday parties has become somewhat of a hobby AND I’m becoming older and more grateful, I’m thinking about this stuff a lot differently than I used to and I know this:  I appreciate gifts. ANY gift, because I know now that the process of giving to another means something pretty profound to the giver. It means that they have set aside a little bit of their time, and money, and attention to consider another.

Conscious Giving

Seriously people, it takes time and attention, not to mention killer mind-reading skills to pick friendship bracelets over glitter tattoos or a stuffy with glitter eyes instead of the ice cream cone charm that glows in the dark.

It requires a moment of pause to reflect on the individual you are honoring with your gift. To think about what makes them happy, what they do, and what they like.

No matter what the gift is (singing bass anyone?), or how it is delivered, no matter whether I need it or not, I’m learning to receive all of them with more grace.  Whether the gift is an award, or earrings, casseroles or hats, the gift of time or the gift of silence,  the act is meaningful to me because of the intention behind it.

And so I say thank you. And I mean it.

 

The Right Way to Ask for Help

Most of us have a hard time asking for the help we need. We don’t want to be a bother or we feel vulnerable or embarrassed, so the question goes unasked and then, of course, it goes unanswered.

Then, not only do we go without help, but we miss a chance to connect and cooperate with each other.

By asking for help — the right way —  you also give others a chance to feel good. Helping others makes us feel better, more connected, and valued. Everybody benefits.

The Right Way to Ask for Help

So don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it, but here are some tips to make asking easier.

Be specific. Limit the scope of your ask and be very specific. I need someone to help me paint the house at 2 p.m., are you available? Can you help me fold the laundry Saturday morning at 10 a.m.?

Let go of outcomes. Don’t add any drama to the ask by expecting a certain response. Ask for what you need, without expectation – nobody has to deliver it to you of course. But hold no resentment if they don’t. And  Do Not read into the response. If “no” is the answer, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care. If they say “yes” don’t create some story line about how they felt obligated to help.  Ask and accept any answer at face value.

Ask for expertise. Some of my friends are great at helping with my kid, others can give gardening advice or business insights. Go straight to the expert when asking for a specific kind of help. In other words, I wouldn’t ask my husband to cook the meal for the potluck, but he’s an awesome helper when it comes to fixing the garbage disposal.

 

 

Asking for Help is Catalyst for Growth

The Big Ask

OK, so here’s this: One of the last magazine articles I wrote is all about asking for help. Turns out asking for help is good for both a) the person needing the help, obviously and b) the person who gets to deliver the goods.

When we help another our physiology changes. Our bodies fill with these feel-good chemicals, endorphins that make us feel warm and bubbly and good.

So I know all this – and yet, I started sweating big time last week when I knew I needed help.  It’s hard to make the Big Ask.

No is Always the Answer to the Unasked Question

I’ve got this book coming out How to Live an Awesome Life and I need to learn more about marketing and connecting with others and the whole business side of publishing.

I know a lot of people who are a lot smarter than me and who are good at just the very things I need to learn and improve on, but I felt so anxious about asking. I don’t want to be too demanding, don’t want them to think I don’t know what I’m doing, don’t want to take advantage.

But then I read that famous quote attributed to Nora Roberts that says: “If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”

And, I figured I’d be better off with folks saying “No” than I would be if I failed to ask in the first place.

Asked and Answered

So ask I did. Three times in fact. Each time I asked a specific question via e-mail, targeted toward the expertise of the individual I was asking, and without expectation. I wasn’t going to take it personally if I didn’t hear back or if they decided not to help.  We all got other things going on.

But, turns out the Big Ask for me, wasn’t all that big for the people I asked. All three responded with such intelligence and kindness and insight. They had answers readily available – because they know their stuff — offered good ideas, and plenty of encouragement.

I am so much better because of what they offered. Better for admitting my vulnerability, asking for help.

Asking for help, is a catalyst for growth and connection. But, it certainly isn’t something to worry about.

Identify the one thing that you need and the one person who can provide it and reach out with good intention and without expectation and you’re bound to discover something you need to know.

Showing Up is the Biggest Deal

I’ve been making a lot of excuses lately. Not enough time, not enough money…yada, yada, yada. That’s a sure way to stagnate and remain in this mindset of lack which is stifling and icky.

So today, to remind myself that I am the creator of my experience rather than a person who complains about it, I took on three things that seemed insurmountable and hard and draining and better left for someone else. And, oh yeah, I did them all in about seven minutes. So. Not. Hard. It was only my beliefs about them that kept me stuck.

We all do this, right? We smack talk ourselves into thinking we aren’t good enough, or it isn’t our place, or IT can never be or will never work. Baloney. IT already is…it’s simply a matter of whether or not we notice. It’s simply a matter if we stop making excuses and paying attention to what it is we are already creating in our lives.

Showing Up is the Biggest Deal

Listen, you don’t have to be the best. You don’t have to have all the answers or get it right every time out. Often success is a matter of showing up.

Get out of bed. Sit down at the desk, or show up at the interview, or take 10 minutes to connect with your kids or your family — show up and be present — and you will change everything. You will change EVERYTHING simply by showing up. And, if you engage with good intentions, you will succeed.

So many people talk about what they want to do. Things they want to accomplish.

Others make “sure-I’ll-give-you-a-call” promises they never keep.

We make excuses, like I did.

But when you actually show up with good intentions and engage and participate in the work or the parenting or the marriage or the chores, when you are present and not just laying on the couch sucking at a pinot while the kids plays on the floor in front (been there done that) things get done. The energy around you changes and that changes everything. Things show up in your life that you never expected and you feel happier and better and like you contributed something and you know what you did because you showed up, and participated.

When it felt hard and scary you showed up anyhow. And, that my friend, is more than most people do. And, that is courageous and important.

So, today stop the excuses. And just get going. Move toward what you want. Focus on what you can do and engage and you will achieve more than you thought possible.

Keep Watch for the Good Stuff

freeimages.com

Lots of energy around the house this week. First day of school for Sweet P, which means I also head back to the office to do some real work.

This is different from the end-of August approach I used. Then, when I said I had to work, I really meant I’ve got to escape to the home office and pretend like I’m on the phone so you people will leave me alone for one freakin second.

Except this week, I have an assignment due and I get to start talking about my book (so exciting) and I’m really ready to get back to it. And, I really do have to get to work. And get up early. And feed people, like regularly, and apparently discuss daily how long it should take a 4th grader to do her hair-and-you-just-do-not-understand-mom.

Truth. If you saw my hair you would know, I really Do Not understand.

What-If Turns Excitement to Anxiety

The night before all this fall routine (Read: chaos) began, Sweet P was doing a fair amount of what-iffing. What if no one sits by me on the bus? What if I don’t know how to do the math? What if my alarm doesn’t go off?

This started to turn the excitement she’d been feeling (mostly over the new high tops she gets to wear) into anxiety. Worry. Stress.

We do this right? We take a perfectly good situation – one that is a change-agent, one that we are even excited about — a new job, new relationship, new house, first day of school – and we screw it up by imagining the worst. Well, it could happen, we say in that little know-it-all mom voice we all have – It could happen.

But, come on, it usually doesn’t

And while the worst could happen, so could the BEST.

Look for the Best

Just like that, your alarm goes off right on time (NOTHING was going to get in the way of me getting this kid out the door and to school), you sit by a friend who was happy to see you on the bus (she did), and you might discover you know more than you realize in math class (surprise!).

Just like that you could love the new job, or be swept away by the kindnesses of your new boyfriend or find your new house is just what you always dreamed. Just like that the goodness can emerge. Because it’s always there too.

Here’s what I’m saying – Life is filled with situations. Some you may like, others not so much. You never know what’s going to show up when you spin the wheel by getting up each morning.

But, dang, stop right there and be grateful that you DID get up in the morning and then know that no matter what appears, YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

You can.

You have got this.

And, geez Louise, if you need to micro-manage the future and expect anything at all, Expect the Best. Because it’s more likely then, that you’ll notice when the good stuff shows up.

And it will show up. Even during the toughest times, the good stuff emerges. It’s like background music. Always there if we tune in.

Think about it, you were sick and a friend helped out with the kid. You went through a divorce, but became closer to your sister in the process and later, even found love again. Your bestie didn’t sit with you on the bus, and so you made a new friend who now shows up for you everyday.

That’s the stuff you can expect to happen. Keep watch for it, so you notice when it shows up.