Polly Campbell's Blog, page 13

Power Up with Acceptance

Each day there are little things that we can do quickly, in-the-moment, to make the next moment a little better and brighter. And that can be enough to change a day, a life, a world for the better. After all, a happy life isn’t built only on momentous occasions, but on the minutes in between.

For the next month I’ll offer some of these thoughts, tips, practices – things that can help us make the moment better – in these pages.

I call them Power Ups. Some I write about in Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People, others are new, things I’ve tried or learned. Tips, usually backed by research, that I use to keep me moving and positive and engaged even when I feel like whining or crying and complaining. Hope you find value in them too.

Power Up with Acceptance

Choose acceptance, today. If you have a heart beat stuff is going to happen that you aren’t going to like. Things aren’t going to always go your way, you will be hurt, angry, upset – maybe all at the same time. But, we can dull the drama of these unsettling moments by accepting what is.  Acceptance allows for forward motion. With acceptance you can see your circumstances clearly. Without judging or whining or manipulating or wishing you can glean accurate information. Once you see what is, you can better cope or take positive action to change it.

 

Power Ups Make for Better Moments

Sweet P is playing the piano and it isn’t good.

She’s learning a new song. And, it’s tough going. New notes and rhythms to practice. But she keeps going. Partly because I threatened her. But mostly now, because she’s sucked in, curious, trying to figure it out.

She keeps going, note after wrong note, then again, then the right note, then again. Little by little, but with each little quarter note, she is putting together an entire song. I can hear pieces of it now. The tempo and tones coming together.

This is how it goes for us at work or parenting or healing or loving. This is how it goes in life.

We play a lot of wrong notes. It doesn’t sound pretty or even look good a lot of days. We don’t always notice how all these missed notes are taking us closer to the right ones.

But if we keep showing up and keep practicing one note at a time with humor and determination and commitment we will get better at it and our song will be heard.

Little by little. Baby steps.

But, by making the most of each moments – the little moments and memories in between the birthdays and graduations and first cars and weddings and funerals – we can string together an amazing life.

Life isn’t about accomplishing The Goal, ten years from now. It’s about living well now, taking baby steps toward and making this moment as good as it can be.

Practices & Reminders

There are reminders, practices, ideas that can help us uplift the little moments and transform our experience. Over the next few weeks – give or take – I’ll be offering some of them here on these pages.

I call them Power Ups. Some I write about in Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People, others are new things that I’ve tried or learned. Tips, backed by research, that I use to keep me moving and positive and engaged even when I feel like whining or crying and complaining.

Power Ups aren’t always about feeling good every moment. They are about becoming aware of what it is you are feeling and engaging fully with whatever life tosses out.

Perhaps you’ll find value in them too.

Power Up

If you are feeling tired, slow, lazy, bored, worried – if you are feeling anything other than good — your actions and beliefs are not aligned with your authentic self. Bad feelings are a clue that what we are doing and thinking is separate from what we value. Life becomes easier and more comfortable when our actions align with what we value. When we live authentically.

Today, notice your emotions. Notice what you are giving your attention to, then make sure some of your time and energy is going toward what you value most.

Don’t Take it Personally

We were wandering along a forest trail talking about how it’s good to be a flexible thinker. To go with the flow and learn to adapt. To compromise with your friends, sometimes and allow them to do the same for you.

“I am good with that,” Sweet P says. And she can be.

“But then I get my heart broken. And I get stuck.” And she does.

Sweet P feels things deeply. The joys and exhilaration of peak experiences. The despair and hurt and hopelessness of failed friendships or disappointment.

I do too. Always have. I still have memories of Bobby in second grade when the teacher called him out for not having clean clothes. Wasn’t his fault. Never his fault. He was seven. He also didn’t have much of a bed. Didn’t get enough food. Nobody was ever looking out for Bobby. The kid was just trying to get by. And the teacher shamed him for it. I knew this even as a little bug in second grade and it fills me with sadness, still, today. I still wish that I’d known how to help Bobby.

Big Emotions are Part of a Big Experience

I feel life deeply. The joys and hurts settle into the nooks and crannies of my soul. My heart hurts when I’ve been a bad friend, or I’ve been hurt by someone’s insensitivity. I hate that others struggle. And that life isn’t fair. I want to fix things. Want everyone to be happy and lovey and feeling fine. But, I also know that all of these emotions and challenges are part of our experience. Part of life.

This is what I told my daughter this morning. But knowing it, doesn’t make you feel better when your heart is crushed.  Still, I said, this kind of emotional connection is a gift. It allows us to love deeply and it motivates us to help others. It inspires our growth, but only when we learn to manage the emotions.

Because if we cannot find a way to move on and through with our feelings, we will be battered by their waves.

So, when I’m feeling the big stuff, in a big way, one that I can’t seem to shake,  I also work to remember to not take anything personally. Nobody is doing anything to me. No one is out to get me. It isn’t all my fault. Things just happen sometimes – for a bunch of reasons that have more to do with other people and circumstances, than me. It’s okay. Whatever happens. It’s okay.

How to Avoid Taking Things Personally

Here are some ways to do it.

Remember, you’ve got it going on. No matter what happens, dig deep to re-discover your essence and you’ll find your self-confidence too. Sure you are a human being which makes you fallible – just like everyone else. But you also have incredible skills and talents and abilities. Focus on those, when you are feeling insecure or as though you don’t belong.
Shift focus, help someone else. When you are taking things personally and caught up in your own self-consciousness, it means we become worried about how others perceive us. Switch that up by finding a way to help others. Giving back will leave you feeling better about yourself and get you out of this self-absorbed mode that makes you think everyone is watching you.
Be compassionate to yourself and others. We all get our feelings hurt and we all make mistakes. Remember that when the actions of others inadvertently impact you. Choose compassion over anger. Forgiveness over revenge. Then, you’ll be free to move beyond your insecurity into something that feels better.
Be still, get curious, examine the thought. When I’m feeling particularly vulnerable and find myself smack dab in the middle of the Spotlight Effect personalizing everything, I try to pause and become mindful of my thoughts. This approach can help us to identify and scrutinize the beliefs that leave us feeling insecure and replace them with something more productive.

 

Why We Feel Self-Conscious

I was sitting alone in the middle of a restaurant when I realized I had a huge stain the shape of Idaho across the front of my blouse.

I felt self-conscious. Like everyone was looking at me and my expansive stain. The negative feelings intensified even as finished up my errands by picking up the dry cleaning (yeah, pretty sure they wanted to pull the shirt off me right there and give it a good wash).

But the truth is, probably nobody noticed the stain. In fact, it’s unlikely they even noticed me at all.

What is the Spotlight Effect

Human beings are like that. So often we feel self-conscious and insecure – as though everyone is looking at us — yet everybody else is too busy with their own business to consider us much at all. It’s a phenomenon dubbed the Spotlight Effect, by researcher Thomas Gilovich and his colleagues.

“Because we are so focused on our own behavior, it can be difficult to arrive at an accurate assessment of how much–or how little–our behavior is noticed by others. Indeed, close inspection reveals frequent disparities between the way we view our performance (and think others will view it) and the way it is actually seen by others,” reads the study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, published in 2000.

In fact our best moments usually go completely unnoticed and unappreciated too. Yet even with this knowledge in mind, I was embarrassed about the stain and that self-consciousness caused me to act a little more withdrawn in the restaurant and to joke about it at the dry cleaners.

Self-Consciousness Causes Behavior Change

The belief that everyone is looking at us can cause us to act differently and even keep us from doing things that would otherwise be fun and healthy. For example, many people don’t go to movies or meals alone because they feel self-conscious as though everyone else will think they don’t have any friends. Course most of us never even notice.

The Spotlight Effect may keep others from joining a party where they know few people, or participating in a group fundraiser for a charitable cause.

One way to manage this kind of self-consciousness is to stop taking things personally. To create little reminders and habits during our days that prevent us from getting caught up in this kind of single-minded, self-focus.  On Wednesday, I’ll tell you how to do it.

 

Image from www.freeimages.com

How to Ease Mental Fatigue

Too many things to do, places to go, decisions to make can leave us mentally tired and worn out by the end of the day.

Even when our calendars are filled with things we enjoy, the cumulative effect of always doing can sap our self control and leave us exhausted. Then we are prone to greater health risks, unhappiness and burnout.

But we can keep the burnout at bay

But, micro-breaks – little pauses throughout our days – and some other practices can help ease the feeling of overwhelm and stress.

Three Ways to Ease Mental Fatigue

Simplifying decisions. We are faced with scores of decisions each day and by the end of all that decision making our self-control can take a hit, according to research from Kathleen Vohs. Then, not  only are we more likely to make unhealthy decisions, like say opting for a fast-food burger because we don’t have the energy to cook a healthy meal, but we feel mentally drained.

One way to offset this, according to research from Kathleen Vohs, may be to limit your decisions. Have the same coffee drink every time. Eat the same dinner every Tuesday. At noon, you are always going to take a lunch break in the kitchen, or go for a walk. By keeping some of our decisions simple we have more mental energy to deal with the rest of our days.

Seeing green. Just a minute looking at grassy rooftops reduced errors and improved concentration among workers, according to research from the University of Melbourne.

“It’s really important to have micro-breaks,” said Dr. Kate Lee, who led the study. “It’s something that a lot of us do naturally when we’re stressed or mentally fatigued. There’s a reason you look out the window and seek nature, it can help you concentrate on your work and to maintain performance across the workday.

So take a break and gaze out the window, or head outdoors for your lunch break or a short stroll through the park. The micro-break will help you feel restored and better able to focus on the tasks ahead.

Moving on. Several studies show the value of exercise when it comes to concentration and mental focus. Twenty minutes can improve performance and short intense exercise sessions increase blood flow to the brain and can improve your mood, memory, and ability to manage even the most demanding days.

 

 

Managing Mental Fatigue

It’s happens often. I arrive at the end of the day exhausted.

On paper it doesn’t look like I’ve done much. A few loads of laundry, in between sessions of wall ball with my daughter in between phone interviews and blog posts and magazine assignments and copy edits and invoicing, in between cooking dinner and checking in with friends.

It’s my summer schedule. And for all the flexibility with how I spend my time, I wind up using it all. There are very few breaks to unwind.

At the end of the day, I’m exhausted.  It isn’t the ‘I-feel-like-I’ve-run-a-marathon’ kind of physical exhaustion, but a deep seated, worn to the bone, mentally wiped out kind of tired that makes it hard to even decide what to cook for dinner.

I’m mentally exhausted.

Causes of Mental Fatigue

Mental and emotional exhaustion can sneak up on is. They aren’t necessarily the result of things gone wrong, or any big upset – though they can be – but more of an accumulation of too much.

Too many decisions. Too much work in not enough time. Too many interruptions, demands, shifts in attention. Too many tasks to complete all in the same time period and not enough time to focus and finish and relax after any one task. Mental exhaustion knocks us back when the amount we’ve taken on, exceeds our capacity to comfortably handle the stress (even the good stress) of it all.

Sometimes mental exhaustion can be a result of health issues. Depression, heart disease, chronic illness and autoimmune disease can also lead to insomnia or trouble sleeping which can cause mental fatigue. May be worth checking out this angle with your doctor.

Just Too Much

But for me, there are times when even the good stuff become wearing because there is just too much going on and that makes it hard to manage.

The more mentally tired we become, the less capable we are of keeping up with the demands of our day. Over time, this can lead to full-blown burnout, physical issues, stress-related illness. Mental fatigue can show up like:

Physical fatigue – you know this one. You’d rather curl up on the lawn chair with a margarita than head for a run at the end of the day.

Impatience and Irritability – We get a little snappish when people don’t deliver.

Inability to concentrate or focus – We become squirrely in the afternoons, finding it hard to finish up what we need to get done. Sometimes, I find I can’t even come up with the right words when I need them because my mind is skipping all over.

Desire to run away – Okay. Maybe this last one is just me, but when I’m feeling mentally exhausted I don’t even want to deal with other people. It’s at this point that I start fantasizing about wandering the beach of some desert island, alone, except for the barkeep of course.

But, fleeing to the islands is not an option, so how can we manage some of these more demanding days without letting them grind us down?

Schedule in Off Time

One of the biggest ways to keep away from crazy is to schedule in some time off. Even little breaks can make a difference to our health and well-being. Schedule mini-breaks as you would a work meeting or kids’ playdate or dental appointment.

And, on your busiest days make sure you schedule a lunch break. Or 15 minutes with nothing planned to take a walk, or at least a breath.

Then, each week, be sure to leave some time open and unplanned. Don’t fill in all the time slots on your calendar. This open time, gives you a mental reprieve but also allows room for something great to develop on its own.

Doing these simple things will help prevent overwhelm and also provide a subtle reminder that you really are in charge of how you spend your time. You get the final say. Just knowing that boosts our feelings of autonomy and that helps buffer stress too.

There are a few other things that can help too. I’ll share them with you Wednesday.

Why it’s Good to Go Alone

I used to love going to the movies alone. I could see what I wanted, when I wanted. Phone off, no clients calling.

Then I started dating a guy who loved movies too. We went to the theater together and he bought the popcorn.

I married this guy. Had a kid. Haven’t been to a non-animated film in seven years. And rarely go anywhere by myself anymore.

But, once-in-awhile I’ll eat a meal at a restaurant alone or grab a cup of coffee by myself at the café’. I like the people watching and the quiet that allows me to think or zone out. I like choosing where I want to go without needing to negotiate or check childrens’ menus, and each time I’m surprised by how much I enjoy the time.

More Fun than Expected

Marketing professors  Rebecca Ratner and Rebecca Hamilton  found, after surveying hundreds of people, that most had more fun than expected while out on their own.

First though, they had to get over their own self-consciousness. Many study participants assumed that others would think that they had few friends if they were spotted alone in public. This made them reluctant to go out in the first place.

But truth is, most people aren’t paying attention to us at all, according to research by Thomas Gilovich and others.

Due to a unique phenomenon called the “Spotlight Effect” we tend to think everyone is looking at us or noticing more about us than they truly are. Reality is, most people are too self-interested, busy, or focused on other things to pay much attention to what we’re doing.

So, if you are sitting home alone just because you don’t have anyone to accompany you to the hot, new Italian restaurant you really want to try, just get up and go.

Once you get over the I-wonder-what-others-are-thinking discomfort you’re likely to have a good time. And aside from some delicious red wine, you may even encounter new people, different activities, and more possibilities for fun. All things you’d miss if you are afraid of going solo.

 

 

*Portions of this post first appeared on Psychology Today.

Make Time to Be Alone

We are about halfway through my daughter’s summer vacation now from school and I’m starting to feel it: the impatience that comes from too much together time.

Nobody is doing anything wrong. I’ve enjoyed my time with her going to the library and and hiking through the nature park, making everything from guacamole to forts – but I am not getting enough solitude. I’m not getting any time alone.

Now I’m particular about my alone time. It does not count if I’m working – which I do in between the time I spend with my daughter. Quiet time with others – while fabulous is not alone time either. Alone time is me with uninterrupted, unplanned time. Time to ponder and think and sometimes journal or read but always time for introspection and expansion.

Time Alone is Active

This isn’t lazy time. It isn’t passive time either. Even if I am not physically active (sometimes I am and will go for a walk or something), even if I’m still — my alone time is a very active experience. I’m contemplating, problem solving, exploring, learning in the midst of the quiet.

Quiet alone time is a time to unwind, de-stress, and explore my inner landscape. It’s a time of growth.

Alone Time is Peaceful Not Lonely

This is not lonely time. It is only in the quiet that I have the freedom to think without external influence, without needing to making instant decisions. It is the only time I can think fully and completely about myself and how I am moving through this life. I don’t have to plan, coordinate, clean, order, organize I can just be with my thoughts.

This helps me stay centered, less reactive and even a few minutes a day is a difference maker.

Take a time out, for 10 or 15 minutes a day. Put your family on alert. Tell them that you are not to be disturbed because you need some me time. Put your phone on the counter and go to the back bedroom and close the door or head out to the garden or drive to the nature park and sit at the picnic table looking over the view. Just be quiet. And alone. And centered.

Use the time to contemplate. To settle into your body, and your day. To reflect and daydream. To connect with your inner self – the feelings and dreams that reside there.

This action is restorative and stress relieving. A regular habit of alone time will catapult you to greater awareness and clarity.

And, as research now indicates, being on our own isn’t so bad. I’ll tell you why in Wednesday’s post.

 

How to Manage Creative Self-Doubt

To create – anything – requires courage. It demands that we make something new, reshape an idea into something that moments before didn’t exist. And anytime we step out of our comfort we get a little bit nervous. It feels vulnerable and often the voices of self-doubt chime in.

“Everyone struggles with self-doubt. It doesn’t matter if we’ve received great recognition or accolades,” says Margarita Tartakovsky, an associate editor at PsychCentral.com and the blogger behind Make a Mess: Everyday Creativity.

But, despite the doubts and fears, we are driven to create. It’s fundamental to who we are.

Whether you paint or write books or parent or strategize sales programs or travel or cook – just about everything we do relies on creative thinking. Creativity is not limited to producing art. We express it in every aspect of life.

“Creativity helps us connect to ourselves,” Tartakovsky says. “It helps us listen to ourselves and it tells us that our voice is important. Through creating, we say What we think and feel matters. It’s another way to play. It’s enjoyable and fun and interesting. It helps us process our emotions.”

And it’s worth making peace with our feelings of self-doubt to do it.

How to Manage Self-Doubt

Remember everyone has it. Well-known and successful artists, writers, chefs, actors have all gone on record about their feelings of self-doubt. At one time or another, while in the creative process, you’ll probably feel like a failure. Like you can’t do it. Like you are not good enough and everyone else is. Okay. So, notice those thoughts and then remember that even those we deem as Masters, like Steinbeck and Picasso, felt exactly the same thing.

Remembering that everyone has got that critic rumbling through their head, makes me feel better. If they can do it so can I.

Forget  the critics. The worry over what other will think of our creations can keep us from creating at all, Tartakovsky says. So allow yourself to create imperfectly. Don’t worry about what others will think – you don’t even have to show them if you don’t want. Know going in that some of the work is going to suck. You will get outcomes that aren’t so good – keep going, it’s all part of the process. And when you are creating something – anything – the process, will guide you through.

Perhaps that’s the most important thing of all, says Tartakovsky — to keep at it. Creating every day is the surest way to beat self-doubt in submission. You’ll still hear the inner critic, but they become more friendly when you notice, acknowledge, and keep at the work anyhow.

Set aside five or 10 minutes a day and start creating – anything, Tartakovsky says. Do something that you used to enjoy as a child, take on a new project, journal, or dance or do anything that brings you joy. Do it every day.

Making time for creative expression every day (preferably at the same time and place) helps make it a priority and a habit. It primes our bodies and our brains to get down to work to expand and grow. To engage in our world in a new way. And when that happens, for a time, the voices of self-doubt are silenced.

 

Quit Thinking and Start Creating

 

Image from Stock.xchng

Creativity is innate. It’s actually a function built into our brain. Still we overthink the creative process and when we do, we short-circuit our own creativity.

In new research published in Scientific Reports, brain research Allan Reiss and his colleagues were surprised to find that our abilities to create are tied to the cerebellum. The region in the base of the brain also is responsible for movement, memory, and coordination.

But when the ‘executive center’ of the brain’s prefrontal cortex was engaged – the area that helps us plan and organize, fold laundry – creative activity dropped off.

As researcher and the study’s co-author Manish Saggar says: “The more you think about it, the more you mess it up.”

But how can you access your more creative attributes without overthinking the process?

Of course, that’s the question I’ve been trying to answer all day. While my prefrontal cortex was active scheduling assignments and compiling research, the words that I needed for my own creative expression seemed to take a hike. So, I did too, quite literally.

Creating Without Over Thinking

While brain researchers figure out what’s going on in the cerebellum that causes neurological function to coordinate our creative expression, psychologists have spent decades trying to understand how we can ignite creativity in our everyday lives.

In a 2014 study, researchers found that walking can help. Walking promotes divergent thinking, which helps people access a variety of different ideas about any one topic. In a short time, divergent thinking prompts multiple solutions to any one problem.

Divergent thinking usually is a free-flowing process. It inspires innovative possibilities, sometimes through brainstorming or mind-mapping methods, that can later be evaluated and analyzed for application. It turns out that a simple walk around the block can dramatically improve this creative thought process.

Or you could just read the phone book. Researchers Sandi Mann and Rebekah Cadman found that those who take on a passive, boring task – such as copying numbers out of a phone book – are more creative problem -solvers. Boring tasks allow more opportunity for daydreaming. That can inspire creative expression.

Daydreaming also can inspire a good mood. That can be another creativity booster.

Barriers to Creating

Yet, despite the prompts that can prime our brain to create, we also have to overcome our own fears and insecurity.

Self-doubt is the biggest reason people don’t produce, says Margarita Tartakovsky, MS, is an associate editor at PsychCentral.com and the blogger behind “Make a Mess: Everyday Creativity.”

“We think we have to create something worthwhile, whatever that means. We worry that what we create won’t be good enough. Maybe we think what we create will spotlight our inadequacies,” she says.

“We all struggle with self-doubt.”

But a sure-fire ways through it is to create anyhow.

“Since self-doubt is most likely here to stay we can quiet it by working,” Tartakovsky says. By creating. Creating every day helps us practice. It helps us get better.”

In Wednesday’s post, Tartakovsky and I will offer up other ways to keep cope with the inner critic to keep creating.