How to Keep Little Things from Becoming Big Things
We were about five minutes into the conversation – a conference call — and I was completely lost and confused. Like the kind of lost that left me grasping for something to say that wouldn’t make me sound as goofy as a cartoon character. I was feeling inadequate like I was the only one not getting it.
And things got intense. Disagreements between others in the meeting. Confusion about outcomes. Impatience. Half the time I was laying my head on the cool of the desk like a child in class trying to stay calm and giving thanks that it wasn’t a video call. The rest of the time I was taking notes frantically hoping to find a bit of information that I could hold onto, something I could make sense of when the call was over.
I had a hard time getting the information I needed to do my job and when I asked questions the answers seemed so foreign and unfamiliar and didn’t jive with what I was asking. Many of the points were derailed by emotion and frustration and after an hour of constant interruptions and yeah-buts I felt worn and defensive. I felt like my skills were being challenged and by the end of it, I wanted to get out AND go back in and find a way to fix it, to be understood.
I wanted to do something that would end the discomfort. But, I reminded myself that even though this felt uncomfortable, it was a little thing. A flaring of personality and mood and time pressures, but nothing personal. It wasn’t a big thing, until I let it become bigger. Until I took it in.
Hold On, that Feeling Is Gonna Change
And I did that for a bit. By the time I got off the phone I felt somehow responsible for every aspect of the job – even those I was not hired to do. And, then I felt like I should find some clear solutions for climate change and also develop the ability to grow money on trees. THEN maybe I would have felt better. Then I started getting a little mad thinking about it.
So, I fired off an email. I put all of my thoughts into that one little letter. DAng it! I will tell you what. Except, I didn’t. I took a timeout. Deleted the letter. Took a breathe.
Because the one thing I know about icky feelings is that they CHANGE. And often the best way to deal with them is to not do anything at all.
We don’t have to behave badly when we feel bad. We don’t have to contribute to the frustration or confusion. Often there isn’t even anything to fix, at least not right then.
Pause, Breathe, Carry On
Sometimes, often, communication goes bad because of the mix of moods and personalities and stresses others have felt during the day. And the way through that, isn’t to make little things big things. It isn’t to fire of a hurt or angry email or start doubting yourself or to eat a gallon of ice cream.
The best way to get through it is to pause. Take a deep breath. Come back with compassion for yourself and others and recognize that sometimes things just don’t feel easy, sometimes even the best of us can’t connect. Sometimes that’s all it is. It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault it can just be a combo meal of bad juju.
And when it is, step away, send compassion and let it go for a couple of days. Then come back and take a clear look at what happened and what can happen next to make it easier to bear.
THIS DOES NOT MEAN IGNORING OR TAKING ALL OF THE RESPONSIBILITY. It does mean taking your share. And this is a whole lot easier to do when you are NOT feeling defensive or blamed or hurt or upset, or confused. It is a whole lot more productive when you can come back with compassion and a willingness to listen and look at thing differently rather than feeling muddled emotionally.
The way to keep little things from becoming bigger things is to notice what you are feeling with compassion and without blame and without adding to the drama. You don’t have to take it in, it doesn’t have to be about you, nobody has to be right or wrong. It can just be what it is, in that one moment. A difficult moment does not mean the world is falling or you are falling apart. It means only that it was a difficult moment. Don’t make it any bigger.
