Marlene Chism's Blog, page 8

Is Balance Possible?

For the last 10 years I was a support, and finally a caregiver for my elderly mother, who had many health issues. She was legally blind, on oxygen, and had a triple aneurism. The last nine months she lived in long-term care and I was there every day until she died.

The reality about taking care of an elderly parent is something most won’t admit, so I’m going to bring the elephant into the room. Elderly parents lose their independence, and the more they lose, the more demanding they become.

They blame you for their distress, they battle depression, and they’re often difficult to work with. They don’t want any outside help. They won’t take advice. They want one person to be their everything—their chauffeur to the doctor, their housekeeper, their confidant.

It’s easy to get out of balance and feel exhausted, especially if you’ve already decided that balance is off the table.

Questions to consider

1. What in your life is causing you to feel out of balance?

2. What kind of conversation do you need to have to help restore balance?

3. What would balance look like for you at this point in time?

Click here to read the rest of this article which I posted on my LinkedIn newsletter.

To your well-being,

Marlene Chism

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What’s Required for Good Decision Making

One reason you’re in a leadership position is because you have the ability to make good decisions. Good decision making requires steady emotions and a peaceful mind.

You’ve already learned that, but what about your new and front line leaders?

Do they connect the dots between decision-making ability and emotional well being? (Occasionally check in with the leaders who report to you to make sure they are staying grounded.)

Pride, vengeance, superiority, hatred, and a “haughty spirit” are states of being that contribute to imbalanced decision making.

If one of your leaders is struggling, angry, or overly emotional, meet with them and share the self-management tip below.

Here’s some old wisdom to share with new leaders: 

When you are upset, feel what you feel then become silent.  Don’t take action until you’ve processed your emotions.

Once you have become calm, don’t use that as an excuse to avoid a conversation. The very fact that you were angry, emotional or disappointed means there’s a conversation that needs to happen. 

Remind yourself of your values and get off of the tracks about who is to blame. Take responsibility for your inner landscape first.

Then take action that’s aligned with mission, vision, values and policy.

Best,

Marlene Chism

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How to Overcome Micromanaging

There are basically two kinds of micromanagers: Those who know they micromanage, and those who micromanage but don’t know it. This post is intended to help leaders spot the signs of micromanagement and provide strategies to lead more effectively.

How to know if you’re a micromanager

It’s unlikely your employees are going to tell you you’re micromanaging. They’ll leave your department, or they’ll complain. They may even tell your boss, but you’ll be in the dark. You’ll think you’re just “checking in,” but they’ll think you don’t trust them. When you think you’re helping by jumping in, they’ll see it as intruding. You’ll never know for sure if you’re a “micromanager” unless your employees do an anonymous survey, or unless you do an honest assessment of your leadership behaviors such as:

Excessive need to “check in”Constantly changing directionsControlling the process that needs to be controlled by othersOver explaining versus listeningNeeding to approve every decisionFinishing tasks assigned to others

I have a theory: I believe that total hands-off leadership and micromanagement are both rooted in the fear of conflict, and a deep desire to avoid difficult conversations at every level of the organization. Micromanaging others, in the mind of the leader, is a way to ensure success rather than taking responsibility for an undesirable outcome or initiating a difficult conversation about performance. Here are some steps leaders can take to get on the same page with their employees to overcome the behavior of micromanaging, and some tips for employees who experience micromanagement.

1. Create written agreements

Draft a written plan. When I work with a client, whether it’s a speaking engagement or a consulting project, we co-create an agreement. The agreement is a plan in writing about responsibilities, deadlines, resources needed, dates for execution and so on. It provides focus and prevents guesswork, rework, additional approvals or other time delays.

The agreement outlines the decisions made in advance and is available to all relevant team members.

Here’s a checklist to consider for writing your agreement:

The name of the projectTimelineResources neededCheck in datesBudgetTeam members involvedDecision making processOther necessary information

If you find you’re being labeled a micromanager, see if creating a documented agreement that you can refer back to helps  If you feel micromanaged, ask your leader if you can present draft agreement for the purpose of planning and keeping everyone on the same page. Written agreements prevent the back and forth, scope creep and disappointments that happen when there’s a lack of clarity or a lack of trust.

2. Schedule check-in dates

Before the project begins, mark your calendar selecting the appropriate number of check-ins. Create suggested benchmarks on certain dates. Getting your check-in dates on the calendar in advance prevents the “are we there yet” conversations that make your employee feel they aren’t being trusted. In addition, designated check-in dates serve as a reminder to use this time for communicating about unexpected obstacles and needed tweaks. (If you’re the employee, suggest designated check in dates with your executive, and make the case that you want to build trust and prevent blindsides.) This should give your leader a sense of security instead of wondering what you’ve been up to.

3. Create systems of accountability

It’s leader’s responsibility to get results. This means that sometimes you have to initiate tough conversations about performance, or behavior. Don’t confuse micromanagement with accountability. Don’t let the fear of being called a micromanager keep you from having difficult conversations about deadlines, performance, budget or behavior. Be aware that some employees use the term “micromanaging” to avoid accountability, but there’s a wide gap between having a light hands-on leadership style and micromanaging. Let your employee know from the start of the project that you’ll offer feedback during your regular check in dates, as well as times when you notice discrepancies. Document coaching conversations and set follow-up dates to ensure progress is being made.

4. No blindsides

Stop holding back until it’s “time for yearly performance reviews.” Yes, you will risk being called a micromanager, but you owe it to your employees to stop blindsiding them by waiting until performance reviews. An easy way to check in when you sense trouble is to say, “I observed (fill in the blank.) Walk me through what’s happening. My concern is…” Then once you hear what’s happening, you’ll know if there’s anything to be concerned about. If you’re the employee, don’t blindside your executive for fear of looking incompetent. If you’re over budget or under-resourced your leader will l appreciate knowing in advance to make the necessary changes. Leaders are less likely to micromanage when they trust that they’ll always be informed.

Open communication is important upward, downward and across the organization. If you’re a leader, examine behaviors to see if you’re micromanaging. If you’re employee, prove yourself to be trustworthy and seek feedback, so that your boss can offer support instead of micromanagement.

Article originally published via SmartBrief.

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The Business Case for Forgiveness

Is there a business case for forgiving someone?

Yes, if you want to elevate your effectiveness and gain freedom.

Holding grudges and feeling negatively toward someone drains energy that could be used creatively.

Most everyone I know understands this concept intellectually but embodiment of the idea is about living it.

Take stock of how you feel about other people. Find that one person who takes up space in your head. Listen to the stories you tell yourself about who they are, what they should have done, and how they “should” be.

The give-away that there is forgiveness work to do is

How often you talk about the issue or personYour feelings when you think about the incidentYour avoidance of addressing the issue square onHow long you have let the bad feeling simmer Lots of “Shoulds”Resistance to the reality at hand

Forgiveness is more of a practice and a journey, than a one time event.

Forgiving someone does not mean they are allowed to cross your boundaries, or that what they did is OK. In fact, you may even end the relationship. The difference is that you will have learned a life lesson and you won’t be held hostage by negative memories.

Forgiveness is like taking a bath. It only keeps you fresh for a short while before you need to do it again.

Best,
Marlene Chism

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How to Resolve Almost Any Conflict

It’s easy to let old grudges build up and before you know it, you’re seeing the other person as an adversary.

You avoid them. You gossip about them. You slowly stop being curious about them and you automatically suspect the worst.

You can resolve almost any conflict when you decide to shift the way you see the other person.

No matter what skills you learn, if you see the other person as less than you, you’ll struggle.

If you think someone is out to get you, that’s what you’ll experience.

If all you see is the other person’s flaws, character issues or shortcomings, it will come out in your “energy” even if you use all the right words.

Do a mental scan and determine who you need to see differently?

Work on the inside and how you see the other person and everything else will align.

Best,
Marlene Chism

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The future of Managing Conflict

Recently a client said to me, “Your methods are not like what we learned in our Human Resources Training but they really work to resolve issues in more humanistic way.”

The reason my methods are distinct is that I’m focusing less on risk avoidance, and more on building trust and fairness. The fact is, there will always be risk, but when you start a conversation only trying to protect the company, you lose the opportunity to become a learning organization.

Last month USA Today profiled some of my work. I’m excited about this opportunity to share my ideas about managing conflict.

You can see the article here.

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Can conflict be a benefit? Part 4

Today is the final series on how conflict can be a benefit. Perhaps the biggest benefit is that conflict can help you  grow personally.

Benefit #4 Exemplify Personal Growth

Conflict will always be part of life and leadership. Reading a book about conflict management, attending a full day workshop or getting coaching doesn’t mean there’ll never be mismanaged conflict. Skills development, practice and working on “the inner game” is what it means to embody and model personal growth.

The inner game is a commitment to self-awareness, reflection, emotional integrity and a commitment to living in alignment with your highest values. By the way: You’ll never get a certificate, win an award or get college credits for working on your inner game. Winning the inner game is about a commitment to your own development.

What to do: Name the person or circumstance where you have the most unresolved conflict. Practice some of the skills you have learned. Notice your need to be right. Notice how you feel. Pay attention to your desire to fight or freeze.

Questions to ask: Am I willing to take full responsibility for resolving conflicts, or do I use coping strategies with the intention of changing the other person?

Where do have knowledge, but lack the courage to put knowledge into practice? Could I teach conflict management skills to junior managers in such a way that they could claim success and change dysfunctional behaviors?

Don’t interpret conflict as a problem to avoid, or an obstacle to overcome. Change your interpretation to see conflict as a way to transform anger, inspire change, prioritize clarity and grow personally.

If you want to see the all four ways conflict can help you to grow, visit the article at SmartBrief. 

Best, 
Marlene Chism

 

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Can conflict be a benefit? Part 3

Conflict can be a benefit to you if you are willing to see it differently. I’ve already talked about two benefits: Transforming anger, and inspiring change. A third way conflict can benefit you is to remind you that if you’re in conflict, it means you’re not yet clear.

Benefit #3 Prioritize Clarity

When enmeshed in conflict we lose clarity. We forget about what’s most important. We stop focusing on the mission, vision, values and desired end result. Instead, we prioritize winning the point, being right, stroking the ego or proving someone wrong.

What to do: Observe the quality of the conversation, and the behaviors of the individuals involved, including yourself.  If the conversation is backward moving, finger-pointing, emotional or if the behaviors are condescending or disrespectful, clarity has been lost.

Questions to ask: Does our conversation and behavior support the mission, vision and values of the organization? Where have lower priorities replaced higher priorities? As a leader how can I use clarity for course-correction?

INVITATION

Do you need help with clarity? Reach out and let’s explore how I might help.

Best,
Marlene Chism

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Benefits of Conflict Part 2

Last week I talked about one benefit of conflict, transforming anger.
Today I’m offering a second way conflict can be a benefit, by inspiring change!

Benefit #2 Conflict can Inspire Change

Resolved conflicts don’t have repetitive patterns; unresolved conflicts do. If you see repeating patterns it means there’s unresolved conflict, and unresolved conflict creates stagnation, resentment and team dysfunction. For example, I often hear managers say, “I’ve told them a thousand times and nothing changes,” or “They continue to miss deadlines even though I’ve given them support and resources.”

An ongoing conflict for many managers is when to let someone go and how to do it gracefully. The conflict is about losing the relationship, being short staffed or being labeled as “unfair.”

What to do: Recognize repeating patterns that cause bottlenecks. Realize that the behavior allowed has become a standard and there’s a lack of accountability.

Understand that people do what they do because it’s working for them, even at the cost of team collaboration. Instead of coping by blaming the situation or the other person, see the repetition as a clue that there’s an opportunity for change.

The change might mean initiating a difficult conversation, setting an appropriate boundary or letting someone go with dignity.

Questions to ask: What is happening over and over again that should not be happening? What is this repeating pattern trying to tell me? What change do I need to make to shift the pattern?

INVITATION

If you missed my LinkedIn Live Office Hours yesterday, you can access the replay here: https://www.youtube.com/@MarleneChism

Follow me on LinkedIn so that you get the updates for the next Live Office Hours.

Get your learning guide at https://www.marlenechism.com/office-hours

Best,
Marlene Chism

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Can Conflict be a Benefit?

Many people think conflict is a problem to be avoided. But what if you could flip the switch to see conflict as a benefit? Sound a little far fetched? Stay with me! Over the next few weeks, I’ll share bite-sized tips to help you flip that switch.

Here’s the first one.

Benefit #1 Conflict can Transform Anger

Unresolved conflict triggers anger, and anger inhibits the ability to think from the pre-frontal cortex, the executive brain. When anger catches you off guard, it’s easy to become overwhelmed, lash out or react destructively. Anger and conflict are so intertwined that avoiding red flags becomes a coping mechanism. Eventually red flags become the elephant in the room that inhibits productivity, effectiveness and personal happiness.

What to do: When you first experience anger, recognize it as energy that wants to go somewhere. Accept the emotions and feeling as they process through your body. Don’t hide from it, but don’t act on your impulse.  Calm yourself and create a plan before taking any action that could result mismanagement or regret.

Questions to ask: What boundary has been crossed? What expectation has not been met? What anger response behavior do I want to change?

Stay tuned and next week I’ll offer another way to benefit from conflict.

Best,
Marlene Chism

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