Marlene Chism's Blog

Certainty Isn’t Clarity and 4 Other Beliefs That Hold Leaders Back

No matter how many personality assessments you take, how many leaderships retreats you attend, and how many certifications you capture, nothing can override your programming, blind spots, and hidden beliefs. The fact is, our unconscious behaviors and beliefs can derail us unless we bring them to light. Here are five beliefs and behaviors I see on a regular basis and some insight to make a shift.

1. Taking Everything Personally

You sense resistance from an employee. Your meeting fell flat. Your team seems disengaged. Instinct says, “What did I do wrong?” That probably feels noble, but it’s also egocentric.

Insight: People are more likely to react to uncertainty, stress, or their misinformed interpretation. It’s probably not as much about you as you think it is. Leadership maturity means depersonalizing feedback and behavior so you can stay grounded and ask questions.

Instead of internalizing every situation, ask: “What else might be true?”

2. Confusing Certainty with Clarity

Both clarity and certainty reduce our anxiety in a chaotic, ever-changing world, but it pays to know the distinction between certainty and clarity.

Certainty sounds strong, for example, “I know she’s trying to undermine me,” or “They just don’t care.” These black-and-white statements offer the illusion of control but reflect assumptions and unexamined narratives. I offer a tool called The Leadership Clarity Tool, or LCT for short, in The Performance Coaching Model. This tool helps leaders prepare for high-stakes conversations instead of blaming, shooting from the hip, or leading with assumptions.

The fact is, we can never be certain about someone’s intention behind rude behavior, but as a leader, we can be clear about how the behavior affects teamwork and customer service.

Insight: Certainty is rooted in past history and assumption, with a focus on being right.
Clarity is grounded by the present and guided by possibility.

Certainty seeks to conclude, while clarity seeks to illuminate.

In all drama, there’s always a lack of clarity, but clarity can change any situation.

3. Identifying as a Problem-Solver

Many leaders pride themselves on being the fixer, the troubleshooter, the one who finds the crack in the system and plugs the leak. Problem-solving becomes not just a skill—but an identity.

The problem? When you over-identify as a problem-solver, you tend to:

See everything as a problemJump in too soonMiss the bigger opportunityStay in firefighting mode instead of building capability in others

Insight: If your worth is tied to solving problems, you’ll keep attracting them or even creating them unconsciously. But leadership isn’t about being the hero. Leadership is about creating the conditions where others thrive. Start identifying as a co-creator and see how problems dissipate.

4. I’m Not Here to Babysit

It’s tempting to pass the baton when something isn’t in your lane. “They need to step up.” “That’s their department.” Maybe. But leadership isn’t about discipline, micromanagement, or turf wars. Real leadership is about supporting, mentoring, and coaching.

Insight: Great leaders don’t just hand off the work or look for ways to “hold people accountable. They don’t use phrases like, “I’m not here to babysit.” Effective leaders look for ways to mentor and coach their direct reports.

5. Diagnosing Communication as a Problem

If I had a thousand dollars for every executive who said, “We need help with communication,” I’d fund my own retreat center. Here’s the twist: it’s usually not a communication issue as much as it is an unaddressed conflict.

Insight: You can be polished, articulate, even charismatic—and still be conflict-averse. Communication is only powerful when it helps you face what’s difficult. Communication is not fluff. It’s strategy, especially when the stakes are high. The next time you say, “We have a communication problem, remind yourself to identify the unaddressed conflict.”

Final Thought: Don’t Let Beliefs Become a Barrier

When you lead from unchallenged beliefs, you mistake comfort for clarity.  The good news? You can upgrade your mental operating system if you’re willing to examine your assumptions.

The future of leadership isn’t just smarter. It’s braver, clearer, and more curious. It’s not about proving you’re right but about creating the conditions for others to thrive.

 

 

Image by Josch13 from Pixabay

The post Certainty Isn’t Clarity and 4 Other Beliefs That Hold Leaders Back appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Mastering the Inner Game

Most leadership trainings start either with a personality profile or learning a repeatable skill, for example, a script to use during a sales call, or just the right phrase to use in a conflict.

Scripts can sometimes be helpful. After all, I’ve built a script of sorts around my Performance Coaching Model. At the same time, scripts won’t help much if you’re emotionally hijacked, second-guessing yourself, or trying to be someone you’re not.

Leadership isn’t just about the outer game of skills development; it’s also about the inner game.

When you don’t have clarity on the inside, your outer actions—no matter how polished—will ring hollow.

Let’s explore what it means to master the inner game of conflict and why it’s the most overlooked element in leadership development.

What’s the Inner Game?

The inner game is the space where your emotions, values, beliefs, and desires either work together or work against each other.

It’s where you:

Struggle with indecision because you want two things at once.Say yes when you mean no.Stay quiet when your values are being compromised.Doubt your decisions, even after you’ve made them.

You might think your conflict is with your employee, your boss, or your co-worker.
But the real conflict—the first conflict-is—is inside of you.

The High Cost of Misalignment

Misalignment means your behavior doesn’t match your values. Your head says one thing. Your gut says another. And your leadership becomes scattered, reactive, and exhausting.

Let’s take a common example:

You value honesty and direct communication. But you avoid giving tough feedback because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. So, you wait. You hint. You hope they’ll figure it out, all the while, you feel frustrated, out of integrity, and mentally drained. That’s the cost of misalignment: mental fatigue, relational friction, and leadership drift.

Four Keys to Winning the Inner GameSelf-Awareness: Know your patterns. What triggers you? What emotions surface when you’re stressed? What physical cues show up—tight shoulders, shallow breathing, clenched jaw?A Strong Values System: Are you clear on what you value most as a leader? Is it integrity? Growth? Respect? When you’re clear, decisions become easier because your compass is set.Discernment: Ask the powerful question: Does this serve me now? This allows you to shift in the moment instead of reacting on autopilot.Course Correction: You need a way to move past your habitual patterns and this often requires a plan.The Inner Game in Action

I’ve worked on my inner game, specifically around the area of impatience.  I’m naturally impatient. When I’m tired or under pressure, I interrupt, sigh, or push to “get it done.” But I also value radical listening, and impatience sabotages what I care about most. When I’m impatient, I notice the signals: a hot neck, shallow breath, and foot tapping. With some discernment and self-reflection, I noticed that I tend to exaggerate about inconveniences when I’m experiencing impatience.

For example, at the grocery store, I’d struggle if the cashier seemed preoccupied in conversation or was (in my opinion) taking too long. I noticed that when retelling the story, I’d exaggerate. I’d say, “The line was wrapped around the building. I waited for 30 minutes while they blabbed on and on.”

Deep down, I knew this behavior wasn’t helpful, so I decided to course-correct the behavior. Here’s what I did: First, I would no longer allow myself to exaggerate. If I were going to complain, I’d have to work with the facts only. No embellishments—no payoff of venting. Next, when I noticed the physical sensation and the trapped feeling of being in line, I’d set my timer for 10 minutes. I’d tell myself, “I can complain after 10 minutes.”

This freed me up to browse through a magazine or check social media—a nice distraction from my usual focus and intensity.  Then, before I even recognized the time that had passed, my timer went off as I was pulling out of the parking lot. (If I didn’t have the facts, I would have sworn I’d been there half an hour.)

Truth is stranger than fiction. The line was only three people deep, not wrapped around the building. They weren’t blabbing endlessly; they merely said, “Hello, are you having a good day?” and it didn’t take half an hour; it only took about 8 minutes.

The inner game kicks in, not after awareness, but after you make a decision to change, and you see the results.

This is what I know about conflict: There is no conflict unless there’s an inner conflict first. The most difficult work of leadership is in the inner game.

 

Image by Vilius Kukanauskas from Pixabay

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Communication Problems

Don’t Let Communication Problems Sabotage Your Leadership

You’ve got a killer strategy. Your spreadsheet is immaculate. But if you have “Communication Problems” you’ll see those problems manifest in business outcomes.

The bottom line: Strategy won’t save you and neither will your technical skills, if you don’t know how to manage yourself, and build collaborative relationships.  Here’s what not to do — and what to do instead if you want to lead with clarity and courage.

 

Don’t Treat Communication as a diagnosis

Almost every time someone reaches out to me with a workplace concern, they diagnose the issue as a communication problem. This is the lazy man’s way of categorizing problems. Even lazier is to hold a communication workshop. Poor communication is the result of an undiagnosed or mismanaged conflict. You can’t resolve a conflict unless you know what it’s about, no matter how beautifully or how often you communicate.

What to do instead:
Understand that if there’s a communication problem there’s a mismanaged or undiagnosed conflict. Make sure your way of communicating (avoiding, appeasing, or aggression) isn’t undermining the results you want. Treat every conversation as a chance to lead by example and to be curious enough to get to the root of the problem.

 

Stop Believing Everything You Think

That story you’re telling yourself about resistance or lack of support: It might be fiction. Just because you feel something or think something doesn’t mean it’s so. Assumptions left unchallenged become self-fulfilling prophecies.

What to do instead:
Before blaming or jumping to assumptions, reality-check your inner narrative. Ask: “What else could be true?” Stop the habit of debating mentally and silently. You’ll only convince yourself that you’re right. Before you verify with a real conversation, check your emotions and make sure you’re centered and let the other person talk without interruption.

 

Watch how you show up

How do you show up on a daily basis? Does your language and behavior set the tone you want, or are you sarcastic and belittling? Sarcasm, blame, and discounting behaviors such as eye-rolling indicate unresolved anger and internal mismanagement. Especially toxic to the culture if you’re a C-suite or executive. No matter what your level of leadership passive-aggressive behavior destroys trust and damages relationships.

What to do instead:
Deal with any underlying resentments and start asking for what you want. Stop eye-rolling and other behaviors that discount others. If you want to get serious about changing your behavior do a secret ballot and find out what others really think about you. You might be surprised.
Use language and behavior that aligns with the values stated on your website.

 

4.  Quit Preaching Values You Don’t Practice

Posting values on the wall is easy. Living them in meetings, decisions, and tough conversations is where it counts. For example, if you say you value integrity but don’t keep small promises, you have some work to do.

What to do instead:
Make values actionable. Ask in meetings: “How does this decision reflect our values?” Embed them into hiring, recognition, and feedback. When you make a promise, put it in your calendar. Follow up and apologize when you drop the ball.

 

Stop avoiding discomfort

The biggest way leaders escalate conflict is by avoiding it altogether. Besides a distaste for uncomfortable emotions, the main reason for avoidance is not knowing how to accurately assess the situation; not knowing how to start the conversation and not knowing how to finish strong. Avoiding conflict may buy temporary peace, but it builds long-term resentment. Silence doesn’t resolve tension—it amplifies it.

What to do instead:
Before addressing any issue, understand the situation, the desired outcome and what’s standing in the way. I teach this method in The Performance Coaching Model and it’s called Leadership Clarity. Address issues early. Use clear, non-blaming language to surface concerns before they snowball into bigger breakdowns.

 

Never Wing a Conflict Conversation

Going in “off the cuff” might feel confident, but it usually results in misalignment or missed opportunities for clarity. Impromptu conversations can feel good but if there’s no action item, no changed behavior and no follow up, it was just a waste of time.

What to do instead:
Plan difficult conversations with intention. Define the purpose, outcome, and key message before engaging. Clarity up front prevents confusion later.

 

Stop Listening to Reload

The paradox of listening is this: The more difficult the conversation, the more important listening becomes. In The Performance Coaching Model, we call it Radical Listening. When you’re listening just long enough to fire back, you’re not leading—you’re debating. Defensive listening shuts down trust.

What to do instead:
Practice radical listening. Stay curious. Reflect what you hear before responding. It builds trust and leads to better solutions. We have an entire section on Radical Listening in The Performance Coaching Model.

 

Don’t Confuse Information with Transformation

Many leaders are so busy reading, listening to podcasts, and attending workshops, they don’t have time to actually practice what they’re consuming.  Consuming content isn’t the same as growing. Transformation takes repetition, feedback, and the willingness to change your habits. That is exactly why The Courageous Leader Ecosystem focuses on a layered approach to learning, and that’s where transformation happens.

What to do instead:
Slow down on all the consumption. Take some time to invest in application. Practice new skills, get coaching, and reflect on your own behavior. Keep a journal of improvements. That’s how learning becomes leadership.

Conclusion
Communication is not a soft skill; it’s a leadership skill. If you notice “Communication problems” find the underlying conflict and communication becomes so much easier.

The post Communication Problems appeared first on Marlene Chism.

7 Ways Leaders Mismanage Conflict (and What to Do Instead)

Let’s face it—conflict isn’t fun. But the way leaders manage (or mismanage) conflict determines whether it becomes a catalyst for growth or a breeding ground for dysfunction. Most mismanagement isn’t intentional—it’s a mix of conditioning, confusion, and capacity gaps.

Here are seven common ways leaders mishandle conflict and what to do instead.

 

Relying on coping mechanisms

When conflict surfaces, many leaders default to coping strategies rather than leadership strategies. These behaviors often include avoiding difficult conversations, appeasing others to keep the peace, or asserting control through aggression. While these tactics may provide short-term relief, they often create long-term dysfunction.

Avoiding: “Maybe if I wait, this will resolve itself.”Appeasing: “Let’s just do it their way so we can move on.”Aggression: “I’m going to shut this down before it gets out of hand.”

These patterns stem from a lack of skill, low emotional regulation, or a culture that rewards harmony over honesty.

Take Julie, a well-meaning department head who prided herself on being the “peacemaker.” When two team members clashed repeatedly, she bent over backward to accommodate both—reshuffling duties, extending deadlines, and sidestepping feedback. Eventually, the high performer quit, and morale tanked. Julie realized too late that her version of peacekeeping was actually conflict-avoidance with a smile.

“Avoiding conflict doesn’t preserve peace—it postpones progress.”

What to do instead:
Build your capacity to stay grounded in discomfort. Develop the emotional muscle to engage rather than escape. Conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how you handle it that defines your leadership.

 

Attachment to Identity

The three identities I talk about in From Conflict to Courage, include the Hands-Off Boss, the Heroic Fixer, or the Best Friend. These identities may be rooted in good intentions, but they often prevent honest conversations and fuel conflict through inaction or overreach.

The Hands-Off Boss avoids micromanagement—but also avoids accountability.The Heroic Fixer swoops in to solve problems, disempowering the team.The Best Friend avoids hard truths to preserve personal harmony.

Marcus, a regional director, prided himself on being “one of the guys.” He resisted giving critical feedback because he didn’t want to seem harsh. When team performance dipped, he blamed external factors—until a senior leader had to point out the pattern. The cost of being liked was losing leadership credibility.

“When your leadership identity becomes more important than the mission, you’ve stopped leading and started performing.”

What to do instead:
Lead from principles, not personas. Detach from ego. Effective leadership often requires you to be disliked in the short term to be respected in the long term.

Reorganizing Instead of Resolving

When conflict becomes uncomfortable, some leaders default to a quick structural fix—move people around, shift job titles, create a new reporting line. It gives the illusion of progress but often just rearranges the dysfunction.

Denise, a division VP, restructured her team three times in one year hoping the personality conflicts would disappear. Instead, resentment grew, productivity dipped, and new hires inherited old problems.

“Reorganizing is not a substitute for resolution. Structure won’t fix what conversation avoids.”

What to do instead:
Address the root issue before redesigning the org chart. Learn to differentiate between a structural problem and a leadership problem.

 

Hiring Coaches as a Conflict Facade

Executive coaching can be powerful—when it’s aligned with real accountability. But when coaching is used as a “check-the-box” solution, it becomes a performance theater rather than a developmental tool.

After months of tension, a leader told me, “We’ve done everything—we even hired a coach for them!” But when I asked about follow-up, feedback loops, or internal dialogue? Silence. The coaching had become a smokescreen to avoid tough internal conversations.

“Coaching without accountability is just expensive avoidance.”

What to do instead:
Use coaching strategically. Set measurable goals, provide feedback internally, and stay engaged in the process. Development isn’t something you outsource—it’s something you steward.

Allowing “Power of Attorney”

A subtle but destructive behavior in conflict-prone cultures is when leaders allow employees to speak on behalf of others. “They’re upset, but they don’t want to say anything,” becomes a normalized phrase. This dynamic creates triangulation, fuels drama, and keeps the real issues in the shadows.

One executive, trying to be helpful, often met privately with team members to “smooth things over.” But instead of resolution, it bred gossip and dependency. No one learned how to speak directly—and trust eroded.

“If people can’t speak for themselves, they’re not growing—and neither is your culture.”

What to do instead:
Refuse to play the middleman. Encourage direct communication. Coach your team to speak up, listen well, and stay in the room when it gets uncomfortable.

Failing to Link Behavior to Performance

Too often, leaders separate what gets done from how it gets done. As a result, high performers who behave poorly are excused, and low performers who are “nice” get a pass. The result? Confusion, resentment, and a culture of double standards.

A tech manager once told me, “Yes, he’s abrasive, but he’s brilliant.” My response? “Then he can be brilliantly abrasive somewhere else.”

“What you allow becomes your culture—and that includes behavior.”

What to do instead:
Make behavior part of performance. Define what good looks like—not just in numbers, but in how people lead, communicate, and collaborate. Hold everyone to the same standard.

 

Lacking Leadership Clarity

Conflict thrives in ambiguity. When roles, expectations, and decision rights are vague, people start guessing—and gossiping. Confusion fills the vacuum that clarity should have occupied.

At a healthcare system I worked with, managers were unsure who could approve time off, resolve complaints, or escalate concerns. The result? Delays, frustrations, and rising tension.

“If you’re unclear, don’t expect your team to be aligned.”

What to do instead:
Get radically clear. Define roles, articulate expectations, and establish what success looks like. The clearer you are, the more accountable your team can be.

 

Conclusion

Conflict doesn’t have to derail your leadership. In fact, it can deepen your influence, sharpen your clarity, and strengthen your culture. But only if you stop managing conflict from the sidelines and start engaging with skill, presence, and courage. We teach the skills you need in The Performance Coaching Model.

“Leadership clarity isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about creating the conditions where the right conversations can happen.”

The post 7 Ways Leaders Mismanage Conflict (and What to Do Instead) appeared first on Marlene Chism.

7 Signs of a Lack of Grace in Leadership

Eighty-nine percent of employees say that compassion from their leaders increases their loyalty and engagement.

Yet, despite the overwhelming evidence that grace and compassion positively impact performance, many leaders unknowingly struggle with a lack of grace. This absence of grace often stems from deep-seated insecurities, the need for control, and a fear of inadequacy.

Grace is not about weakness or complacency; it’s about the strength to rise above ego and fear, creating psychological safety and fostering authentic connections. The absence of grace can erode relationships, stifle innovation, and lead to personal burnout.

Here are seven key signs that indicate a lack of grace in leadership—and how to address each one.

 

Hyper-Sensitivity to Feedback

Leaders who lack grace often perceive feedback as a personal attack rather than a valuable opportunity for growth. This defensiveness stems from a fear of being exposed as inadequate or incompetent. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, practicing self-compassion reduces defensiveness and increases openness to feedback, as it shifts the focus from proving worth to personal growth.

Why It Matters: Leaders who can’t process feedback constructively risk alienating their teams and missing out on valuable insights.How to Overcome: Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your imperfections without judgment. When receiving feedback, take a moment to breathe, reflect, and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.

 

Perfectionism and the Need for Control

Leaders with a lack of grace often cling to rigid standards, believing that perfection equates to competence. This mindset makes them reluctant to delegate and prone to micromanagement. Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability highlights that perfectionism is a shield against feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Why It Matters: An overly controlling leader stifles creativity and erodes team morale.How to Overcome: Embrace vulnerability by admitting mistakes and showing that imperfection is part of growth. Encourage team autonomy and practice giving constructive feedback without micromanaging. Comparison and Envy

Instead of celebrating others’ successes, leaders lacking grace may feel threatened or resentful. This mindset breeds competition rather than collaboration. A study by Zhang, Chen, and Shakur (2019) published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that self-compassionate individuals are more accepting of their own flaws, which in turn leads to greater acceptance of others’ imperfections.

Why It Matters: Envy not only damages relationships but also clouds judgment, leading to poor decision-making.How to Overcome: Focus on building confidence through self-affirmation rather than comparison. Practice celebrating others’ successes as a way to strengthen relationships and foster a culture of collaboration. Over-Justification and Rationalization

A lack of grace often manifests as an excessive need to justify one’s actions, especially when they come off as harsh or critical. This rationalization becomes a defense mechanism to protect one’s ego.  Consider the possibility that harsh behavior often diminishes authentic leadership.

Why It Matters: Leaders who constantly justify their rigidity risk eroding trust and credibility.How to Overcome: Practice radical honesty by owning mistakes without excessive justification. Simply acknowledge when you’re wrong and express willingness to grow. Chronic Irritability and Impatience

When leaders are constantly irritable, it signals a lack of emotional regulation—a key aspect of grace. This irritability often stems from an internal struggle to control outcomes or meet perfectionist standards. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s work on mindfulness demonstrates that self-awareness practices significantly reduce stress and reactivity.

Why It Matters: Persistent irritability creates a tense work environment and discourages open communication.How to Overcome: Practice mindfulness techniques like deep breathing and self-reflection to become more aware of emotional triggers and respond with calmness.

 

Emotional Withholding

Leaders who lack grace may avoid vulnerability, presenting a detached or overly confident facade. This emotional armor blocks authentic connections and leads to isolation. Susan David, psychologist and author of Emotional Agility, says “the way we engage with our emotions shape everything.”

Why It Matters: Emotional distance creates a disconnect between leaders and their teams, reducing psychological safety.How to Overcome: Start by sharing small, personal anecdotes or expressing gratitude to your team. Gradually allow yourself to be more open, without feeling the need to maintain a flawless image.

 

Overworking and Avoidance of Reflection

Some leaders immerse themselves in work to distract from their internal struggles, using busyness as a coping mechanism. This avoidance not only leads to burnout but also prevents introspection and growth. A reflective practice increases self awareness and promotes growth.

Why It Matters: Without self-reflection, leaders miss opportunities to course-correct and grow.How to Overcome: Set aside dedicated time for reflection—journaling, meditating, or even taking quiet walks. Use these moments to assess your emotional state and evaluate your leadership approach.

Leading with Grace: The Path Forward

Graceful leadership isn’t about perfection. It’s about embracing imperfection and choosing compassion over control. It’s recognizing that true strength lies not in rigid competence but in the willingness to be vulnerable, adaptable, and emotionally present.

When leaders cultivate grace, they foster environments where trust, creativity, and innovation can thrive. By acknowledging the inner struggles that hold them back, they unlock the potential to lead with greater authenticity and impact.

The post 7 Signs of a Lack of Grace in Leadership appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Why Leadership Development Fails

If you’re tired of investing in leadership development with no lasting impact, it’s time to rethink the entire approach.

Organizations spend billions annually on leadership development, yet many still struggle with the same problems: underperformance, communication breakdowns, and lack of accountability. If your leadership training isn’t translating into visible, measurable behavior change – don’t blame the leaders. Blame the unrealistic expectations and the outdated model of leadership development.

1. The illusion of progress

We’ve all seen it. A charismatic facilitator. An energized room. A workbook full of aha moments. Then… silence. Back to business as usual. Traditional workshops often create an illusion of progress–emotional engagement without behavioral follow-through. Why? Because one-time events don’t create new habits. They spark awareness, not transformation.

2.  Theory Without Traction

Off the shelf, “Training in a box” often sounds good in theory but lacks real-world application and lacks coaching expertise. Leaders walk away with ideas but no way to implement them in their daily context. Without access to real expertise, it’s like learning college algebra. It makes sense in the classroom, but doing homework alone, you’re lost in the woods.

3.  The Talking Head Trap

Organizations hire facilitators who are polished presenters but lack the experience or credibility to guide real behavior change. Yes, they’re great speakers, and they have enthusiasm. They might even be “certified” in a course, but their deep understanding is limited at best. The result? Inspiration without transformation.

4.  Firehose Learning = Shallow Results

When a workshop dumps too much content in too little time — with no reading, no follow-up or study — it overwhelms rather than empowers. One-off retreats without coaching are just expensive offsites.

5.   Champagne Expectations, Soda Budget

Organizations often want premium outcomes on a shoestring budget. No budget + No time + Great expectations is comedy and drama. I used to say, “just get a clown and throw a pizza party” rather than pretend you’re developing your leaders. There’s no shortcut to deep learning.

 6.   No Coaching, No Change

Most trainers train, but they don’t necessarily coach or advise. Trainers and facilitators may know the material but can’t draw outside the lines of the teaching. Unfortunately, even great training won’t stick without structured support afterward. Coaching and advising bridges the gap between knowing and doing–without it, new skills fade fast.

 7.   Wrong Focus

What you focus on expands. You may get great metrics from a lousy training program. Here’s why: The focus is on the wrong things. Don’t ask questions like, “Did you enjoy the session,” and “Was the room temperature right?” Stop focusing on entertainment and comfort, and instead focus on setting the environment for growth. What are you measuring? What are you trying to improve? We measure the gap from where we were to where we are now building confident leaders, collaborative relationships and accountable cultures.

In short: No matter how inspiring the season, if it doesn’t change behavior, it’s not leadership development –it’s theater.

The Shift from Event-Based to Ecosystem-Based Learning

We need to replace the old model of “train and hope” with a layered learning approach — one that mirrors how people actually build skill. My Performance Coaching Model is an eco-system, or a layered approach using principles of real behavior change:

 The book, From Conflict to Courage is used in an onsite book club. Participants are given a video book review to get them ready for the book club. A virtual kickoff to set the expectations for what’s expected and what’s to be learned. A baseline assessment. An onsite half day to discuss, explore, learn and have some engaging and intellectual stimulation. Six months of access to the PCM, online Performance Coaching Model. Cohort coaching to address issues, make distinctions and polish learning that’s being put into practice in the real world. Post briefing with post assessment.Conclusion

If your current leadership development programming isn’t delivering this, it’s time to upgrade the model. Stop wasting time and budget on leadership training that feels good but goes nowhere.

Instead, invest in a layered, strategic approach that empowers leaders to grow over time — aligned with your culture, your vision, and your business outcomes. Get on my schedule to explore further.

 

The post Why Leadership Development Fails appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Is Emotional Suppression Undermining Your Leadership?

Many leaders I’ve worked with are conflict-avoidant. They don’t give honest feedback. They say “it’s fine” when it’s not. They tell themselves, “Now’s not the time,” over and over again.

They suppress in the name of professionalism—until the pressure becomes too much. This habit affects their leadership and their credibility.

The signs that emotional suppression is undermining leadership include

Passive-aggressive communicationLoss of authenticityMissed opportunities for performance conversationsEmotional fatigue that affects decision-making

In the workplace, emotional control is often praised. But there’s a difference between composure and suppression—and it’s costing leaders more than they realize.

When you suppress emotions like frustration, disappointment, or anger, your intention is to be professional or to keep peace. In reality, you’re creating a breeding ground for resentment, burnout, and disengagement—both in yourself and in your team.

The Hidden Cost of Suppressed Emotion
What’s happening beneath the surface when you avoid expressing difficult feelings?

You ruminate and replay conversations.Tension leaks out in sarcasm or stonewalling.You disconnect emotionally—from your team, your purpose, and your values.

This is how technically great leaders become disengaged. And this is how great teams begin to unravel, eventually affecting the culture.

How Avoidance Affects Your Culture
A leader’s inability to acknowledge and work through their own emotions sets the tone for the entire team. Repressed anger creates:

An atmosphere of walking on eggshellsAvoidant communication stylesLack of trust and psychological safetyUnspoken power struggles or interpersonal tension

When team members don’t feel emotionally safe, they won’t take risks, innovate, or speak up about the very issues that need attention.

Emotional Courage Is a Leadership Asset
What if the strongest leaders weren’t the ones who kept it all in, but the ones who could name what they were feeling and choose a skillful response?

That’s emotional integrity in action:

Recognizing your emotionTaking responsibility for itAnd communicating in a way that builds clarity—not chaos

This kind of emotional courage is what separates reactive leadership from sustainable leadership.

The Real Question for Leaders
What are you suppressing right now—and what are your thoughts and emotions trying to tell you? (Truth is, timing is everything. You may not need to deal with your emotions this very minute,) but if you want to lead with clarity and confidence, you will need to acknowledge it, interpret it, and choose how to respond. We teach you how to do this in the Performance Coaching Model, by learning how to prepare for that conversation instead of ruminating about the problem.

Want to Build Emotional Capacity and Clarity?

If you find yourself:

Avoiding difficult conversationsWithholding feedback because you fear the reactionFeeling emotionally exhausted by your leadership role

Then it’s time to develop the skills that help you lead without suppressing who you are.

That’s exactly what I teach in The Performance Coaching Model—a digital course designed to help leaders build clarity, confidence, and communication capacity.

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How to Stop Complaints From Derailing Your Leadership

Here they come again, Connie complainer and Chris criticizer.  Nothing’s ever good enough. Someone did something wrong. The schedule isn’t working, and on and on they go. Why can’t they just be happy? Constant complaining is a leader’s worst nightmare. Complaining increases anxiety, high blood pressure and a weakened immune system. The ripple effect is that complaining erodes morale, undermines teamwork and hinders productivity, leading to a toxic environment.

Every year, U.S. companies lose an estimated $359 billion in paid hours due to workplace conflict and unproductive behaviors like excessive complaining, venting, and interpersonal drama. The good news is that you can stop complaints from derailing your leadership.

As a top leader, every time you hear a complaint, it’s easy to get caught up in distractions and drama. Avoiding the complaint doesn’t make the problem go away. Instead avoiding creates what I call a Culture of Avoidance. Although one of the modules in my digital course The Performance Coaching Model includes instruction on Radical Listening, listening endlessly to the problem only grows new neuro-connections for the purpose of venting.

Some leaders shut complaining down. They say things like, “I didn’t ask you to work here,” or “Get yourself another job.” Although shutting people down creates a strong boundary, that boundary becomes a wall, cutting off problem-solving and damaging trust.  Persecuting and shaming the complainer may keep you out of earshot of the complaint, but it doesn’t build collaborative relationships.

Other leaders try endlessly to please the employee—to show that they care, or to appease them for a moment. In the end, always fixing the problem creates codependency. What can you do instead? Follow my five step process, and teach this to your managers!

Step 1: Reinterpret the complaint as a hidden or unmet need. (When you change your interpretation from judgment and dread, to believing you’ve uncovered an unmet need, you gain more capacity to manage the conflict.)

Step 2: Acknowledge the complaint. Say something like, “I hear you. You’re upset because…” Once they feel heard, the next step is to get curious by asking a specific question.

Step 3: Ask a question.
This question is key to guiding the conversation. The question is, “What do you want?” Then pause. Chances are, they won’t know. They’ll try to distract you with what’s not fair, what didn’t happen, why what they want won’t work, and so on.

Stay the course. The real question to ask and be answered is “What do you want?”

Step 4: Avoid the traps.

A trap is a distraction to get you to engage in verbal ping pong. “What I want is for Kim to be fired,” or “What I want is to win the lottery.” These answers are an indication of lazy thinking and victim mentality. If this trap appears, your question is, “What would that give you that you don’t have now?”

Another trap is “I don’t know.” If they don’t know what they want, you say, “think about it and get back with me. I can only support you once you articulate what you want.”

Step 5: Resolution. The question “What do you want,” has a solid answer. With a solid answer you can either coach them to resolution or you can build a pathway for resolution.

The value of this process is that it also works in your personal life and with yourself.

How it works for yourself: The next time you find yourself complaining recognize that you’re wasting time. Search for and articulate your unmet need. The question this time is “What do I want?”

Here’s what you need to know. Every big problem in an organization can be traced back to some sort of conflict mismanagement. Check out my course, The Performance Coaching Model and get on my calendar to explore how we can support your leadership growth.

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Why Accountability Fails After “The Talk” — And What to Do Instead

Senior leaders count on front-line and mid-level managers to drive accountability. But for many of those leaders, it feels like chasing shadows. They know they need to hold their teams accountable—but they’re unsure how.

Performance conversations get delayed or avoided entirely. Why? Sometimes it’s a lack of training. Other times, it’s the fear of emotional reactions, fear of conflict, or fear their decisions won’t be backed by their own boss.

Here’s the truth: If employees don’t know what’s not working, they can’t improve. And if their leaders don’t have the skills to initiate conversations about performance and behavior, they simply take the path of least resistance, creating a culture of avoidance.

Accountability starts with clarity—so that a conversation can follow.

In the Performance Coaching Model, leaders get a tool called The Leadership Clarity Tool, which teaches leaders how to think strategically instead of emotionally about the situation, the desired result and how the current obstacles affect the organization.

Without that essential ingredient of leadership clarity, a four-part cycle repeats, contributing to a culture of avoidance. 

The Four Phases of Accountability Breakdowns

Phase 1: Avoidance
The leader avoids having the difficult conversation. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s lack of skill. Or maybe they simply don’t want to “make things worse.” But avoidance comes at a cost. Tension builds. Performance issues continue to simmer beneath the surface, slowly eroding trust and productivity. The first sign a leader is avoiding is often their own stress and buildup of resentment. When the resentment is too much to handle, the leader initiates a conversation.

Phase 2: The Conversation
Eventually, the leader musters the courage to address the issue. At this point, the conversation can go completely south with verbal ping pong, blaming, accusing and nonproductive conversation. However, if by chance the conversation goes better than expected, there’s elation and relief from a dopamine hit that signals success. In this case the leader believes they’ve crossed a critical hurdle, and for a moment, it feels like things are back on track.

Phase 3: Temporary Improvement
If after the conversation, the employee adjusts, deadlines are met and attitudes improve, the leader breathes a sigh of relief, assuming the problem is solved. But this phase is often misleading. Improvements are temporary when the underlying issues remain unaddressed. In the performance coaching model, we teach leaders how to identify the root causes. If the root cause has not accurately been identified, there is a period of regression.

Phase 4: Regression
Weeks later, the same performance issues resurface. The leader is caught off guard. Frustration turns to resentment, and they wonder, now what? Another conversation? Documentation? Disciplinary action? The cycle begins again.

This recurring pattern doesn’t just affect performance. It quietly chips away at a leader’s confidence, planting seeds of self-doubt. Worst of all, the leader often feels too embarrassed to admit their frustration to their own boss, fearing it will be seen as incompetence.

The solution: The Performance Coaching Model
We teach leaders how to plan for the conversation, how to get clear about the situation, the outcome and the obstacles, and how these variables affect the organization. We give leaders the critical skills to make decisions using logic and facts instead of emotions and assumptions.

Rather than a once-a-year dreaded performance review, The Performance Coaching Model gives leaders the confidence to address issues immediately instead of just once a year. Leaders learn how to communicate using a framework for both critical conversations and small course corrections. The framework is equipped with 9 coaching skills that can be used on demand for almost any situation. No longer is conflict seen as a problem, but as an opportunity to align.

Get on my calendar to explore how the PCM can help you build confident leaders, collaborative relationships and accountable cultures. We’re offering private tours in April and May of 2025.

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Five Questions to Keep Conversations Productive

Have you noticed that civil discourse is becoming a lost art? Get on social media and you see blaming, name-calling and accusations. Through our conversations we create the culture we live in. So, what are we creating?

We are creating fear, disrespect, and disempowerment. The antidote is simple: Decide to show respect even in disagreement.

Respect is important if we want to maintain trust and manage ourselves during times of disruption.

The key to staying present during disagreement is to  first calm down, and second, be curious. When you ask open-ended questions, you foster curiosity and collaboration rather than conflict. Here are five powerful questions to help you navigate disagreement constructively and keep conversations on track.

Would you be open to a different perspective?

Disagreeing can feel risky, especially in hierarchical relationships. By asking for openness before introducing an alternative view, you set the stage for a respectful, two-way exchange.

Try this: “I have a slightly different take on this—would you be open to hearing it?”

Avoid: Saying “I disagree” or “That’s not right” upfront, as it can immediately trigger defensiveness.

Could we explore this idea from another angle?

This question invites discussion without dismissing the other person’s viewpoint. Leaders who encourage this kind of dialogue often uncover blind spots and create space for new solutions.

Try this: “I see the value in this approach. Could we also consider what might happen if we took a different route?”

Avoid: Framing your disagreement as an absolute—flexibility fosters better discussions.

Are there any exceptions to this approach?

When an idea seems rigid or overly definitive, asking about exceptions can introduce nuance. It encourages problem-solving without making the other person feel challenged outright.

Try this: “This strategy seems solid overall—do you see any situations where it might need adjustment?”

Avoid: Using this as a way to poke holes in the idea rather than expanding the conversation.

Could you share more about your reasoning?

Understanding someone’s thought process builds clarity and mutual respect. It also makes it easier to introduce your own perspective in a way that feels constructive rather than confrontational.

Try this: “I appreciate you walking me through your thinking. Can I share how I’m seeing it?”

Avoid: Using this question as a way to put someone on the defensive—stay genuinely curious.

Would it make sense to pause before deciding?

Sometimes, decisions feel rushed. Suggesting a pause can create space for further discussion and prevent missteps.

Try this: “Would it be helpful to gather more input before finalizing this decision?”

Avoid: Suggesting a delay just because you disagree—link it to a clear benefit.

Is it dangerous to disagree?

Disagreement doesn’t ruin relationships: disrespect does. Next time you find yourself in a tough discussion, try shifting your approach. You might be surprised at how much easier it becomes to exchange ideas, challenge assumptions, and find common ground.

How do you approach disagreement in a way that keeps conversations productive?

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