Marlene Chism's Blog, page 3

A Holiday Reflection

As we celebrate the holiday season take a moment to reflect, and gain perspective.

Is someone you know going through a tough time? A co-worker; a colleague; an old friend; a distant relative; a past client? Perhaps they’ve lost a loved one. Maybe they’re dealing with the same health challenge as last year. They’re worried about their financial security. They’re facing the reality of putting a parent in long term care. They’re experiencing mental health challenges.

Everyone has a cross to bear.

Take a moment and pick one person in your life. Think about what they’re going through. Think about what it’s like to live in their body, or to operate from their understanding.

Dwell on it for more than a few moments and you’ll get a sense of their challenges, burdens, worries and concerns.

We often don’t see other people’s challenges when we’re happy, celebrating our good fortune. We feel alone when we’re consumed in our own burdens.

On a larger scale we easily forget tragedies that were front and center, but are soon forgotten once the media coverage stops.

For example, our friends and neighbors in North Carolina are still recovering from Mother Nature’s wrath. They are still struggling to survive. We donated so not it’s out of sight and out of mind.

If you’re in a sweet spot; if you’re not going through something now, just remember that in time, you might be.

What can you do to make the world a kinder and more tolerable place?

A compliment.
A phone call.
A card.
A small gesture.
A donation.

Let’s make a commitment to reach out and be of service to one another. While we can’t do it all, we can all do something each day.

Happy Holidays,
Marlene Chism

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How to Help Your Team when Drama Takes Root

Today I want to share something that you probably already know. After all, you’re a leader, and you’ve developed yourself. However your team may need some coaching if they’re suffering, getting caught up in drama or showing up in unproductive ways.

Remind them of this: When you find your choice you find your power.

You don’t have to react. You have a choice.

Notice that those who say they value peace, are the first ones to argue on social media, take offence easily, and strive to prove others wrong.

Here are some choices available next time there’s an offence.
Take a breath.
Get curious.
Be amused.
Become thoughtful.
See how the drama dissipates.

Shift the focus. Take responsibility for your inner world.

Peace is available to you. You only have to recognize your choices.

To your peace,
Marlene Chism

PS: Are you looking to offer leadership development in 2025.
I’d love to share what I’m up to! Reach out for an exploratory call.

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What to Stop this Holiday Season

Are you feeling the stress of the holiday season? You’re not alone.

The holiday season with all the stimulation, expectations, and reunions with family can bring out our best or our worst. If you dread the holidays, decide this one will be different, because you decide to stop.

Stop trying to change others.
Stop criticizing.
Stop blaming.
Stop trying to fix people who don’t want to be fixed.

Make your decisions based on who you are, not on what other people do.
Decide this is the year to break old patterns that no longer serve you.

See what miracles unfold.

To your peace,
Marlene Chism

PS:  I’m blocking the calendar with speaking opportunities. If you’re interested in having me speak at your company or association event, reach out for an exploratory call today.

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Radical Listening: A Super Power

Are you a senior leader that wants to elevate your effectiveness?

For directors, VPs, and senior executives, “radical listening” is a strategic act of influence that creates deeper connections and reduces conflicts. Radical listening is about managing yourself, maintaining presence and controlling the urge to fix, advise, interrupt or argue. In short, radical listening requires conflict capacity and self-discipline.

In my LinkedIn Newsletter I offer five positive practices to help you become a powerful communicator who earns trust and alignment.

The article includes a reality check, a pro-tip, and what not to do, so you can implement the strategies immediately.

Here’s the link.

To your success,
Marlene Chism

PS: If you’d like to run a reprint of this newsletter just reach out for permissions.

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How to Have a Drama-Free Thanksgiving

In just two days we celebrate Thanksgiving in the USA.

This year coming off of a presidential election, you may want to be aware of unresolved conflicts and left over “feels” from a disappointment or a victory. Unless your family is all on the same page, beware of hidden landmines.

All it takes is someone bringing up politics, religion or lifestyle choices: What was supposed to be a day of gratitude, becomes a day of full blown drama. It doesn’t have to be this way if you know how to lead instead of being pulled into negativity.

Here are some strategic communication skills to apply:

Set Your Intention
Decide in advance how you want to experience Thanksgiving. Ask yourself the following questions:

  What emotions do I want to cultivate?
  How do I want to show up for others?
  What does a meaningful holiday season look like for me?

Once you’re clear, you’ll identify the red flags that tell you you’re getting off course.

Listen, Acknowledge and Redirect
Be mindful of distractions that can derail your intention. In many families, hot-button topics can fuel drama. Add past resentments, unresolved conflict, strong opinions, closed-mindedness, or too much alcohol, and you’ve got a recipe for chaos.

Here are some sample phrases to adjust to your situation. The method here is to “Listen and acknowledge” before you redirect. It goes like this:

 “You make some valid points, Uncle George, but today I want to focus on how blessed we are to be together.”

 “I hear you, Sis, but let’s keep today about loving and appreciating family.”

 “Sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought. For me, I just want to focus on enjoying our time together today.”

No reason to dread holiday gatherings when you know how to lead.

Whether it’s the workplace or family dynamics, to change the culture you have to change the conversation.

Wishing you a peaceful, drama-free Thanksgiving!

Marlene Chism

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Why There’s So Much Incivility

I predicted an increase in incivility in my book, From Conflict to Courage.
There’s more negativity, more blame, more caustic behavior than ever before. I believe one reason for incivility is because of how we see other people.

When we see others as our enemy, we justify incivility. Disliking someone leads to confirmation bias; then curiosity shuts down. (You believe you already know why they’re the way they are and why they see things the way they do, so your mind shuts down.) Observe how people talk about those with whom they disagree. You’ll hear labeling and closed-mindedness based on an identity instead of on the person.

What to do: Notice your narrative about other people who think differently than you. Do you secretly harbor resentment, label them as unenlightened, clueless, or stubborn? What we fail to recognize is that judging others never defines them but instead defines our character. When you find yourself labeling or judging, decide instead to be curious. Get to know the other person. Once you connect on a human level, you’ll no longer have an excuse to be uncivil. Set up the work environment so that people build connections and get to know each other.

Incivility s rooted in an “us versus them” mentality. As long as we see other human beings as our enemies, there will be incivility because the way we see others determines our behavior towards them. All the workshops, all the training and all the policy in the world won’t stop incivility. What stops incivility is not so much of the head but of the heart.

What if this week you focus on your heart? Give yourself and others some grace.  See others as fellow humans on their own journey.

To your success,
Marlene Chism

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When to Delay a Conversation (Part 3)

We’ve talked about two specific times you should delay a conversation, what to do and what not to do. This is the third situation in which it makes sense to delay a conversation: When you haven’t prepared.

When you haven’t prepared
Why do so many leaders fail to plan for difficult conversations about performance or behavior? The reason stems from not knowing how to prepare, not knowing how to articulate the problem, or not clearly knowing the desired outcome. Once the problem has escalated many leaders simply decide to shoot from the hip, leaving the outcome to chance.

What to do
Get the facts first. See if you can write down the observed behavior. If you can’t, then you’re working off of feeling and assumption. Statements like “They aren’t engaged” are too general and based on interpretation. How does this behavior affect the organization?  If you don’t know, then you haven’t connected their behavior to business results. If you can separate fact from feeling you’re better prepared to have a purposeful conversation.

What not to do
Don’t engage the other person if you don’t clearly know what the situation is and what you need to change. Don’t act like their best friend, by flattery or manipulation. Don’t forget to give clear action steps with a date for follow up posted on the calendar.

To your success,
Marlene Chism

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When to Delay a Conversation (Part 2)

Last week we talked about anger and why it’s important to delay important conversations when you’re angry. I gave you tips on what not to do. And what to do instead. The second time you need to delay a conversation is when they’re overly emotional.

When they’re emotional
When it comes to managing conflict, timing is everything. Many leaders avoid conversations because they don’t want to be on the receiving end of someone’s anger or defensiveness. Others are afraid they might make someone cry.  When they’re emotional, you aren’t going to be able to facilitate positive change.

What not to do:  Don’t try to coach a dysregulated person; they can’t hear you. During difficult situations, if you see defensiveness, intense sadness, or anger, take a breath. Don’t take on their emotion, and don’t walk on eggshells. Recognize that their emotions, feelings and interpretations belong to them, not you. You don’t need to overcompensate; make promises you can’t keep or give insincere compliments to manipulate them. Don’t avoid having the conversation, simply delay it.

What to do
Stop coaching. Stop talking.

Acknowledge the emotion, for example, “You seem upset,” or “I’m sensing this is very difficult for you.” Wait until they say, “yes that’s right.” If the other person feels understood, they’re more likely to be receive what you have to say. If they still aren’t ready, suggest resuming the conversation after a small break, whether that break is five minutes or the next day. Promise the other that you’ll still have the conversation even though it’s temporarily delayed. This way they won’t use emotion as a tactic to influence you.

Next week we’ll wrap up the three-part series, so stay tuned.
Marlene Chism

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When to Delay a Conversation (Part 1)

Every big problem in an organization can be traced back to a conversation that should have happened but didn’t. If you listed all the avoided conversations in the scope of a year, you’d likely see a correlation between avoidance and escalation.

While initiating conversations sounds simple, starting conversations at the wrong time can escalate problems. While important conversations should never be avoided altogether, there are three situations when it’s more strategic to delay a conversation. The first situation is when you’re angry.

When you’re angry
If anger is anything, it’s misunderstood and misused. I don’t know about you, but when I’m angry is when I’m most motivated to “tell it like it is.” Even though anger creates a sense of urgency, it’s usually the worst time to act. When you’re angry, the executive function of your brain (pre-frontal cortex) shuts down and decision-making suffers. When angry the primal brain takes center stage and is mostly concerned with survival, winning and being right; not about collaboration or course-correction.

What not to do: Don’t believe everything you think when you’re angry and don’t make the mistake of interpreting anger as a signal to take quick action. Don’t shoot from the hip, but at the same time don’t avoid the conversation just because you’re afraid of your own anger.

What to do instead: Calm down. Sleep on it and do some preparation. Delay the conversation until you can let go of assumptions and clearly articulate the facts. The paradox is that once you calm down, it’s easy to fool yourself into thinking that everything is OK. Remind yourself that, even though you’re over it, your anger signals a problem; something needs to be addressed at the appropriate time, not something to brush over.

Stay tuned and next week, I’ll give you the second situation when it makes more sense to delay a conversation.

To your success,
Marlene Chism

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Podcast for You

I’m excited to share Shannon Waller’s Team Success podcast. I met Shannon at Strategic Coach, a membership for business owners and entrepreneurs. In this podcast I talk about these things:

The Karpman Drama Triangle consists of three roles:Victim: Feels powerless and blames others.Persecutor: Lashes out and is hard to get along with.Rescuer: Tries to fix everything for others.Denial: Added by Marlene in the center for Avoiders who say, “I don’t do drama.”People aren’t just one thing; they cycle through each regularly.Getting out of the drama triangle means becoming a Creator.Regulation Before Resolution:Regulating your emotions before approaching conflict allows you greater clarity, empathy, and a solution-oriented mindset.Emotional Awareness And Emotional Integrity:Accept that you have negative feelings.Represent yourself and your own feelings, not anyone else’s.Responsible Language:Ask questions.Speak to the vision.Focus on the outcome you want.Avoid generalization, blame, resentment, lack of choice, and justification.Radical Listening:Acknowledge the other person’s feelingsDon’t try to solve their problem

And much more! Link here.
Let me know what insights you gain from the interview!

Marlene Chism

Understanding the Drama Triangle and the associated mindsets can help us break free from repetitive relationship patterns. Learn more about the Drama Triangle in my LinkedIn Newsletter article Break Free from The Drama Triangle.

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