Marlene Chism's Blog, page 5

Letting go of Hidden Intentions

Why do leaders find some conversations to be so difficult? Sometimes they don’t have the skills. At other times, they just don’t like the emotions that are sure to arise when talking about performance or behavior. But what often stands in the way is are the hidden agendas lurking below the surface. If you don’t “clean your energy” before a difficult conversation you’ll stir up unnecessary drama.

There’s a saying “if you don’t know your intention before a conversation, you’ll know it afterwards. It takes courage to become aware of and admit your hidden intentions lurking inside.

Over the next few weeks I’ll be highlighting five hidden intentions to clean up before you initiate that difficult conversation with your teammate or employee.

Hidden Intention #1  The Intention to Punish

Do you visualize embarrassing the employee or bringing her to tears? If you find any pleasure in your employee’s discomfort it means you’re headed for the danger zone. You may have good reason to be angry, however resentment is a sign that your intention may not be in the right place.  If you feel any ill-will toward your employee, practice some forgiveness before you initiate the conversation.

Stay tuned next week, and I’ll share hidden intention #2.

And take my assessment Managing Conflict Conversations and be among the first to know when my new course is launched!

See you next week!
Marlene Chism

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Lessons from Difficult People

There are many types of difficult people: The eye rollers, the yellers, the high-conflict, the blamers, the overly critical and the unpleasant. (Maybe that’s why so many people prefer a hybrid workplace after-all.) It was a very long time ago, but I’ll admit I’ve had bosses who had no detectable people skills, and colleagues who were skilled at offering a painful jab at your most vulnerable moment. Some of the best lessons of my life have been from people I didn’t necessarily like. These people may be really competent at the technical aspects of their job, but they lack social skills, civility and finesse.

In my book, Stop Workplace Drama this person is referred to as the Persecutor, the upper left position on the Karpman Drama Triangle. Persecutors can teach us a lot if we are willing to learn. Here are four things you can learn from the bully, the sarcastic coworker, the rude boss, or any other type we describe as “difficult.”

1. You will learn what is unacceptable

Until you experience the pain of a rude comment, a public humiliation or a blindsided sarcastic jab, you may not even think much about how you want to be treated. The good thing about experiencing unwanted emotions is you get to claim what is totally unacceptable. The only problem is when you allow the behavior to continue, which leads to the second thing the difficult person, bully or persecutor can teach you.

  2. You will learn where you need to speak up

If you are allowing the behavior to continue you need to ask some tough questions. Why do you let the bad behavior slide? Are you afraid of a fight? Were you taught in your family not to make waves? Generally we handle conflict the way we first learned to handle it in our family of origin. Personal growth is about healing the past and learning new ways to cope instead of using the excuse, “that’s not the way I was raised.” Get coaching if need be, but speak up you must.

3. You will understand what skills are missing

If you are not speaking up or not reporting the bad behavior, I have a hunch it’s because you don’t feel confident about the skills you need to avoid “taking the bait.” Perhaps you’ve tried speaking up before and what you get is “You’re just too sensitive,” or “I’m just teasing.” One of the skills you need is to release resistance and simply say, “Perhaps I am too sensitive; however I’m asking that you discontinue (the unwanted behavior). If you have learned some of the skills then it stands to reason the problem is how you see yourself, which leads to my fourth point.

4. You will learn about your identity

If you see yourself as helpless, that means you identify with the victim role on the triangle. In my book, Stop Workplace Drama, I talk about this in the fourth principle of “Reinvent and Realign.” The way you see yourself has everything to do with the way you lead, the way you respond to others and frankly the BS you allow in your relationships. Start seeing yourself as a powerful creator who is relationship oriented and that viewpoint alone will start to change your style of communication. Yep, that’s even without taking all the communication courses and learning about “I messages.”

If there is a bully, a sarcastic coworker, a rude boss, or a game player, look at that person as a wise sage who came into your life to teach you what you need to learn. Maybe you need to take a stand for yourself or support someone to find their own voice.

Points to Ponder

Who triggers a drama response in me?What choices do I have about setting a boundary or speaking up?Why do I resist confronting the problem?What skills do I need to learn to effectively deal with the issue?Who could I ask for support?What kind of growth is possible for me and the other person?

To Your Success,
Marlene Chism

Article originally published on LinkedIn. Subscribe to The Marlene Chism LinkedIn Newsletter here. 

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The Danger of Check-List Leadership

No matter what the credibility, credentials, or competency real leadership is about how the one in authority communicates with and treats others; not just the client, patient, or customer, but all team members.

After a surprise announcement that my husband was going to need open-heart surgery due to a 99% blockage, we got immediately introduced to Dr. Dali, a cardiothoracic surgeon, specializing in the treatment of diseases with the heart, lung and esophagus. This post is inspired by my experience of watching Dr. Dali’s as a physician and surgeon leader.

Dr. Dali’s communication is the best I’ve ever seen. Period. End of story. He was confident, straight forward, and compassionate. He set the proper expectations, not just once but over and over again.

“It will be the most difficult surgery you will ever go through. You will feel like a freight train ran over you. You won’t feel like following directions, but if you do, you will recover,” he said.

His communication didn’t stop with his patients.

We saw him educating his nursing staff on how to read X-rays, or how to think critically when more than one option presents itself.

Not a check-list-leader, Dali shows up as a mentor and teacher, patiently quizzing his nursing team to understand their critical thinking.

The nursing and support staff raved about how wonderful it was to work with Dr. Dali. “He cares about us and knows that statistically patients get faster recovery if the support team can do their job adequately.”

Surgeons face tremendous pressures, and often help with self-management to avoid taking out their frustrations out on subordinates and treating them with disdain. This is unfortunate because disruptive physician behavior compromises patient health and safety and contributes to a toxic culture, lead by what I call Check-List Leadership:

Do as you’re toldDon’t question authorityCheck the boxesOne-way communicationStatus rulesAccountability means punishment

One nurse told me about a vascular surgeon who yelled at her condescendingly assuming she made a mistake that she didn’t make. She had to retrieve her nurse manager to handle the conflict. Interestingly, this nurse told me that this vascular surgeon was great with his patients, just not his team. “He treated the staff like crap. Eventually he was asked to leave.”

(I acknowledge the hospital administrator for making this call. If a nurse is too intimidated to work with an aggressive surgeon, the patient’s life is at stake.)

Unfortunately it’s common for high performers and rain makers to be allowed to bully people below them. A blind eye is turned for the sake of convenience, fear of conflict or profit.

The personal lesson: If you have to have surgery pick a physician who is not only competent and credible, but one who treats the staff like valuable team members. Supported team members are less likely to make serious mistakes, and more likely to speak up when they notice something is wrong.

The leadership lesson: Leadership is not a check list but an ability to see the bigger picture and lead others to the same vision. Disruptive behaviors don’t just contribute to a toxic work environment, unresolved conflict can mean the difference between life and death.

Article originally published in The Marlene Chism LinkedIn Newsletter. Subscribe here.

Best,
Marlene Chism

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Freedom From Hoarding

I was watching a program about hoarding on a Dr. Phil rerun. The person, I’ll call her Mary, could no longer walk through her house. Her 12-year-old son had to sleep on the couch because his bedroom was stacked with her “valuables.”

Dr. Phil questioned her thinking. “Why do you keep buying clothing that you’ve never worn, and why are you keeping food that has passed the expiration date? and why do you have hundreds of unused gift bags?”

Here’s what she said: “I might need that dress someday,” and “if the occasion ever arises, I’ll use that hanger,” and “I meant to give those away for gifts but the bags are so beautiful I just wanted to keep them.”

After 12 years of making promises to herself that she hasn’t been able to keep, she still can’t bear to part with even a couple of plastic bags and some damaged coat hangers.

I wonder if one root of hoarding is not being able to tell yourself the truth?

This idea brought about further self-reflection. I wondered if I too was a hoarder, not of physical things but of half-baked ideas that seemed like a good idea at the time; of projects that never got completed; of articles never finished all in my computer files.

What story have I been telling myself that makes me hang on?

Perhaps we are all hoarders in one way or another. We hoard on an emotional and mental level. We hang on to ideas, stories and behaviors that zap our energy and steal our time. What would happen if we could completely let go? Let’s explore.

When you let go of knowing-it-all you’re free to ask others.When you let go of needing to win you’re free to collaborate.When you let go of self-protection you’re free to create.When you let go of being right you’re free to understand.When you let go of proving yourself, you’re free to support others.When you let go of being strong, you’re free to ask for and receive support.When you let go of needing to be special, you’re free to appreciate others.

Giving up false needs is freedom from the prison of the ego.

The question: What do you need to let go of materially, mentally, emotionally or digitally? When you let go what will you be free to be, experience or do?

Warm Regards,
Marlene Chism

Take my Mastering Conflict Conversations Quiz!

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The Real Cost of Conflict

It’s estimated that employees spend almost three hours per week arguing, and those arguments amount to $359 billion in hours that are focused on conflict instead of on productivity. You can read the statistics and white papers about the cost of conflict, but it isn’t going to motivate you or your managers. It’s not personal enough, and it’s probably not even close to correct. Maybe the argument actually improved the outcome. If those arguing are emotionally intelligent enough to stay with the conversation maybe all the statistics are a bit skewed.

People aren’t robots. Assuming your people are going to be massively productive if they aren’t arguing is ridiculous.

The truth is conflict costs nothing. Conflict only clarifies your desires, and your boundaries. Conflict urges you to grow. Conflict creates a contrast between where you are and where you want to be. You don’t even have to be engaged with another person to have conflict. You can have internal conflict. It’s called growth. So conflict costs you nothing. Conflict is not the problem. The problem is mismanagement. Mismanagement is Costly.

Financial

While conflict itself isn’t costly, mismanagement is. Mismanagement happens when a leader ignores conflict and turns a blind eye. Instead of mastering conflict conversations, the leader makes a promise that isn’t kept, moves the complainer to another department and excuses the rainmaker because they’re a good employee. Conflict is an alarm bell. It’s the first sign that attention and action is needed. In other words, the fire alarm isn’t the problem. The problem is the fire. When leader’s ignore conflict there’s a ripple effect: Absenteeism, quiet quitting, turnover, sabotage, discrimination. There’s a financial cost to mismanaged conflict.

Mental

Mismanaged conflict affects you mentally. The mental toll is the internal disturbance you experience when you need to make a decision but you keep procrastinating. You go back and forth, changing your mind, and failing to measure your decisions against mission, vision and values. As a result you get decision fatigue. You can’t sleep. You can’t focus. There’s a mental cost to mismanaged conflict.

Emotional

Mismanaged conflict makes you lose confidence in yourself as a leader. You allow dysfunctional behavior and poor performance. You wait to give feedback or coaching until the annual review. On a scale of 1-5 the poor performers get a 2.5 because they have tenure, and the great employees get a 3 because there’s no budget for raises. You’re working in system (probably Government) where the environment doesn’t support real conflict management. So you work with what you’ve got. You want people to like you so you smile and pretend all is well. You can fool others but you can’t fool yourself. You train your brain to avoid and appease. You lose excitement about your job. There’s an emotional cost to mismanagement.

Spiritual

When you mismanage conflict, there’s a little voice telling you that you could do better. There’s an opportunity to face your fears, get the skills and mentoring you need, or even look for a better organization that doesn’t have a culture of avoidance. But you ignore your voice of wisdom. You listen to the other voice. The other voice tells you it’s all going to work out. The other voice says, “Why stir the pot when they’ve only got one more year left until retirement.” The other voice says, “The easy way out is a reorganization.”

Your inner conflict is between the part of you that wants a breakthrough and the part of you who wants comfort. There’s a spiritual cost to conflict mismanagement.

Conclusion

Conflict is not the problem. Mismanagement is the problem. If you’re paying the price financially, mentally, emotionally or spiritually, it’s time to take the one act of courage. Attain the skills to Master conflict conversations. If that doesn’t work, find another organization that doesn’t have a culture of avoidance.

Marlene Chism is a consultant, speaker, and the author of From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading (Berrett-Koehler 2022). She is a recognized expert on the LinkedIn Global Learning platform. Connect with Chism via , or at MarleneChism.com

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Leading Others Through Resistance

Every leader must deal with resistance at some point. You’ll get resistance when you want an employee to grow more than he or she wants to grow. It’s easy to listen for resistance:

It’s difficult.I shouldn’t have to.It’s not fair.

So how do you deal with the resistance?

You find the fulcrum point of change.

The fulcrum point of change is that state of willingness. Because without willingness nothing changes. When they complain about how hard it is, they aren’t willing.  When they give excuses about why it can’t happen, they aren’t willing. When they tell you a story about how life is hard, they aren’t willing.

Being attached to and focusing on the difficulty and their lack of willingness is what perpetuates the resistance, especially if you get off track by resisting their resistance.

One way to know if you’re off track is if you’re avoiding a difficult conversation. Another way to know is…

Read the rest of the article here.

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Three Reasons Leaders Mismanage Conflict | Part 3

We’ve already addressed two main reasons leaders mismanage conflict: Invisible forces, and coping behaviors. But there’s a third way leaders mismanage conflict: Conflict capacity.

Conflict Capacity

Many front-line and middle managers tell me they feel insecure and uncertain about their decision-making as well as how to build accountability. They hesitate to make decisions because they fear their boss won’t support them. Directors hide problems from their VP because they want to be seen as competent. Their executive boss has likely said something like, “I’m not here to babysit,” or “I’m a hands off leader.”

Their interpretation is, “I hired you to do this job, so don’t bother me.” The domino effect is the VP or senior leader being blindsided when the problem turns into a legal risk. This interpretation contributes to a culture of avoidance.

How to make the shift: Recognize that conflict capacity is multifaceted and includes three components: skills development, the inner game and culture. Often, one of the three is missing when it comes to conflict management inside an organization. More than skills are required. For example, watching a one-hour video or taking a full day of training is often only sustainable with the second component, the inner game. The inner game is the individual’s commitment to building awareness and character.

No matter what kind of training is encouraged and no matter what type of character the leader has, if the culture doesn’t align, the efforts will not be sustainable. For example, if executives avoid bad news and difficult conversations, don’t expect the newly promoted director to right the ship. They won’t be supported, and as a result, the new leader learns quickly to align with the example in front of them. If managers aren’t making decisions, it could either be the internal game, or it could be cultural: they’re following examples at the top, or their past decisions have been overridden to keep peace.

Mismanaged conflict is costly to individuals, teams and organizations. Take a birds-eye view to examine how mismanaged conflict affects your organization and develop a plan to expand conflict capacity companywide.

If you want to read the entire article you can find it on SmartBrief where I’m a columnist.

I always welcome emails to understand how I can add more value to your leadership.

Best,
Marlene Chism

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Three Reasons Leaders Mismanage Conflict | Part 2

Conflict avoidance stems from believing conflict is a problem. But conflict is not a problem. Mismanagement is the problem. This is the second of three installments that identify 3 common reasons leaders mismanage conflict, and how to make the shift. Last week we identified the first reason; invisible forces. The second reason for mismanaged conflict is due to coping behaviors.

Coping Behaviors
Note the times a department has reorganized due to the inability to address team conflict. Count the times a new manager was hired to fix a high conflict department rather than supporting the current leader to deal with departmental drama.

How many notices are given because someone can’t get along with their supervisor? Determine how much time and money was invested in hiring consultants to facilitate 360 feedback to justify termination. All of these activities relate to coping behaviors of avoiding, appeasing and aggression.

How to make the shift: Connect the dots between coping behaviors and the costly mistakes that affect retention and job satisfaction. Once you make the business case for the losses, build a plan and a budget for developing leaders at every level to increase conflict capacity so that they have the skills and confidence to initiate conversations that get results.

Avoiding conversations leads to a culture of avoidance. Take this easy assessment to see if you have a culture of avoidance.

https://marlene-ug3lcjxo.scoreapp.com/

Reach out if I can offer some guidance or support.

Best,
Marlene Chism

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Three Reasons Leaders Mismanage Conflict | Part 1

With over two decades of working with leaders at various levels within various organizations, I had an epiphany several years ago: Almost every conflict that escalates, from EEOC complaints, unwanted turnover and lack of engagement all the way to a toxic work environment, can be traced back to this: A conversation that should have happened but didn’t.

The result is a culture of avoidance.

Conflict avoidance stems from believing conflict is a problem. But conflict is not a problem. Mismanagement is the problem. This is the first of three installments that identify 3 common reasons leaders mismanage conflict, and how to make the shift. The first reason has to do with invisible forces.

Invisible forces

Carl Jung the prominent Swiss psychologist and psychoanalyst who founded analytical psychology, famously stated that “until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.” This quote underscores Jung’s belief that unless individuals become aware of and confront the workings of their unconscious mind, they may feel controlled by unseen forces and unable to steer their lives in a meaningful way.

In simple terms, we human beings are driven by internal, invisible forces that can only be changed once we become aware of the underlying structures. One invisible structure is the belief that we should avoid conflict at all costs.

How to make the shift: Consider examining and changing your definition of conflict. I suggest seeing conflict as opposing drives, desires and demands. Visualize arrows going in opposite directions, realizing that your boss, colleague or employee has a different drive, demand or desire than you. This new definition allows space for curiosity.

What drives them? What desires are in competition with your demands? For example, most front-line employees don’t understand the demands of their leaders or the organizational goals. By opening dialogue about the various demands, drives and desires, you create understanding, collaboration and alignment.

Call to action
Do you want to learn how to have conversations that improve communication, improve relationships and improve results? Email me at marlene@marlenechism.com

Best,
Marlene Chism

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What Are You Telling Yourself?

A few years ago I became an enhanced practitioner in Narrative Coaching.

Narrative coaching helps you to identify the underlying story that’s causing suffering in your life. In short, it’s not your circumstances causing you suffering, and it’s not another person.

What I learned: Your story is the source of your suffering. We must learn how to manage our narratives instead of being seduced by them.

Here’s a tip to manage your narrative: Don’t take every thought you think as truth or fact.

I’m thinking back to the beginning of the pandemic and how our narratives ran wild. The conversations were focused on conspiracy, politics and even “God’s will” as an effort to gain understanding. These narratives caused anxiety and conflict.When we don’t understand a situation, we do our best to make sense of things. We build narratives to figure out who’s to blame, or we come with mystical ideas about karma, and fate.Most of our thoughts are simply ideas, opinions, religious beliefs, or philosophical points of view, and not often grounded in logic or fact.We need to remind ourselves that sometimes what we think or hear is neither true nor false: It’s just a thought.

To your success,
Marlene Chism

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