Marlene Chism's Blog, page 10

3 Disruptive Relationships: How to spot them and what to do

Do you work with a Disruptive Top Performer, Disorderly Peer or a Disagreeable Boss?
Workplace relationships can be a source of renewal or a source of stress.
I discussed these three common disruptive relationships in this video:
3 Disruptive Relationships: How to spot them and what to do.

Watch the video here to learn more about the three common disruptive relationships, how to identify the root problems and get next steps for resolution.

Looking for more practical communication skills for leaders? You can find my Office Hours on LinkedIn playlist here.

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Part 2: Signs a conversation needs to happen

Last week I gave you 5 signs a conversation needs to happen.
Here is part 2 with the other five signs.

6.   Someone is taking advantage of you.

7.    You keep getting blamed for things outside of your control.

8.    You are intimidated by a peer.

9.    Someone hasn’t fulfilled their promises.

10.   They are way too needy, and the relationship has become codependent.

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Signs a Conversation Needs to Happen

Sometimes we get distracted and don’t see the signs that a conversation needs to happen. Here are five sure fire signs.

Five Signs a Conversation Needs to Happen

1.         A poor performer doesn’t improve.

2.         Nothing changes even after telling them a thousand times.

3.         You walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting someone.

4          They seem distant. Something’s off.

5.         You notice passive-aggressive behavior aimed at you.

Do any of these resonate with you?

Next week I’ll give you five more signs a conversation needs to happen!

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Why Nothing is Working

Have you ever noticed that short term fixes never create long term results?
If there’s some problem that keeps reoccurring, and you’ve tried to fix it but it isn’t working, here’s what you need to know.

You can change the policy. You can do a “reorg.” You can wait until they retire and hope things get better.

But eventually the same old patterns creep in.

No matter what you do to change the culture, the performance or the behavior, there will be no change until leaders learn how to manage conflict and initiate difficult conversations that gets results.

If your leaders need some coaching or training, we’re now offering virtual group training and coaching to help leaders gain the skills and mindsets to stop avoiding and start leading!

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Someone Will Be Unhappy

Leaders often confide in me that they are people pleasers. The truth is, when you really care for people, you want them to be happy–to understand why you make the decisions you make.

As a result, you give them benefit of the doubt, cover for them and then inch by inch allow boundaries to be crossed. One of the primary reasons for workplace conflict is the unwillingness or inability to set appropriate boundaries.

If your open door has been a revolving door; if you’re fixing everyone’s problems; if you want their success more than they do, you need to set some boundaries. Start by owning the part you played, then update relevant individuals that you’re setting a new boundary. Make sure you intend to enforce the boundary by communicating the consequences of crossing the boundary.

Enforcing Boundaries Takes Courage: When you enforce a boundary, someone’s going to be unhappy. It’s tempting to back down to keep harmony or make them understand, however the reason you needed a boundary in the first place is because they were taking advantage.

Remember this: When you enforce a boundary someone is going to be unhappy, but it doesn’t always have to be you. It takes courage to let people feel what they feel without having to back down from your boundary.

Would you be interested in educating your leaders on methods to set and enforce appropriate boundaries? Reach out at marlene@marlenechism.com to get an overview of the virtual labs being offered in 2023.

Best,

Marlene Chism

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Why Truth Telling Takes Courage

Have you ever had feedback that stung a little?
Do you reflect on your weaknesses or do you feel too vulnerable to accurately assess your challenges?

My suggestion is to feel the fear and do the assessment anyway! You are stronger than you think you are!

Take an honest assessment of your leadership challenges. Have you been letting people off the hook because you dread initiating difficult conversations?

Have you been accused of not caring, being too aggressive, or micromanaging?

Do you know how other see you as a leader?

If you can be honest about your challenges, you can improve almost any situation, but truth-telling always comes first.

Why Truth Telling Takes Courage: The truth hurts. The first sign of increased awareness is aversion. It never feels good to have blind spots revealed. As a result, we avoid hearing or seeing things that make us uncomfortable. Once you have the courage to face reality, the truth stops hurting and instead sets you free.

The same is true of giving difficult feedback to employees. It’s difficult, especially for caring leaders, but you aren’t doing anyone a favor by avoiding conversations that could elevate them and their performance.

If you’ve been searching for ways to develop your leaders so they can have conversations that gets results, reach out at  marlene@marlenechism.com and we can explore ways to work together.

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It Takes Courage to Listen

How do you respond when you disagree with someone?
How do you respond when you know an idea is completely crazy?
How do you respond when someone accuses you of being unfair?

If you find yourself getting triggered, interrupting, getting aggressive or shutting down conversations it means emotions are getting the best of you. The skill you need is counterproductive: Radical Listening.

Radical listening is about slowing down when you’d rather speed up;  opening up when you want to shut down; staying with difficult conversations when you’d rather avoid or appease.

Why Radical Listening Takes Courage: When in the middle of a conflict or disagreement or when you feel misjudged, every bone in your body wants to be understood — to make a point — to share the facts, argue and make the other person wrong.  But these tactics never work.

It takes overriding years of programming to take a breath and say, “Tell me more.” As Stephen Covey would say, “Seek first to understand.” The one who listens first controls the conversation.

No matter what the difficulty, leaders can develop the courage to cope with uncertainty, navigate through change and manage conflict effectively.

If you would like to explore bringing our Radical Listening program to your organization, email me at marlene@marlenechism.com

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Fix Your Relationships

Whether it’s at work or at home, it’s our relationships that make up quality of our life experience. Many of us work on our “soft skills” to be better in our communication and relationships. But guess what’s more important than soft-skills?

Mind Skills.

In my book,  From Conflict to Courage, I refer to this as the “inner game.”

With soft skills you learn techniques and tactics—how to say things, how to watch your tone, and how to listen for understanding.

The inner game “mind skills” is about mastering your interpretations and managing your monkey mind before applying the soft skills.

You can resolve almost any conflict when you decide to shift your interpretation and the way you “see” the other person. No matter what skills you learn, if you see the other person as less than you, you’ll struggle.

If you think someone is out to get you, that’s what you’ll experience. If all you focus on is the other person’s flaws, character issues or shortcomings, it will come out in your “energy” even if you use all the right words.

Very often resolving conflict is about how you see the situation, as well as the courage to initiate a difficult conversation, not just from tactics and tips but from a heart-felt intention to better the relationship and the organizational goals.

I have a specific coaching program for high level executives who want a thought partner to help resolve issues that are creeping into the culture. Reach out by email at marlene@marlenechism.com and let’s explore.

Best,
Marlene Chism

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Don’t believe every thought

The thoughts you think can cause you clarity or anxiety.

The key to clarity is to learn how to manage your thoughts instead of being led by them.

Much of our anxiety is due to our unmanaged thoughts about the situation, and not so much the situation itself. Whether it’s obsessing about politics, focusing on world problems, or concerns about a future that isn’t here yet, many of our thoughts are simply ideas, opinions, beliefs or philosophical points of view.

You can’t stop thinking thoughts, but you can stop believing every thought that you think. If any thought makes you feel bad, challenge it.
Remind yourself that just because you think something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.
When you notice a negative or repetitive thought, say to yourself, “Thanks for sharing,” then decide to shift your attention.

To your clarity,
Marlene Chism

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The Antidote for Quiet Quitting

Last year there emerged a new buzzword: quiet quitting.

In reality the behavior that we now refer to as “quiet quitting” has been around as long as there’s been labor and management. The behavior used to be called “presenteeism” in the nineties, followed by “lack of engagement” a decade later.

My sense is that while there’s a lot of talking “about” workplace issues, there’s a lack of “talking with” each other.

I believe the behavior of quiet quitting” is rooted in avoiding meaningful conversations upwards, laterally and downwards. The antidote to “quiet quitting” is to face the issues head on — to stop avoiding and start leading.  In my Smart Brief article I offer suggestions to get the conversation started so that we can create more positive cultures where work is meaningful and relationships flourish.

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