Marlene Chism's Blog, page 13

Try These Practices To Increase Your Self-Regulation

Strong emotions can derail even the most stable leader, given the right timing and circumstances. When we feel we’re at the mercy of our rage, anger or resentment, we react swiftly, only to have regrets later. We stay on the hamster wheel of anger, reaction and regret, promising to do better next time.

The problem isn’t our emotions. The problem is mismanagement. Emotional triggers hijack decision-making, increasing the probability of unnecessary conflict. The key to changing this self-destructive pattern is self-regulation.

Self-regulation isn’t about suppressing, avoiding or appeasing. Self-regulation is part of the “inner game” of leadership that helps you shift from automatic reaction to intentional response.

Below are two practices to help you achieve self-regulation — emotional integrity and cognitive restructuring.

Emotional integrity

There are distinctions between emotional awareness, emotional intelligence and emotional integrity. Emotional awareness is being aware of how emotional energy processes through your body. Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control and express emotions and handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and with empathy.

What makes emotional integrity distinct from emotional awareness and emotional intelligence is intentional transparency. This is the ability (and willingness) to let others know about what’s going on inside of you without blaming and without lashing out, as well as the courage to finish a conversation you wanted to avoid.

Here are three steps to help you practice emotional integrity.

Take ownership of your experience. This means you can’t blame someone else for your anger, resentment or rage.Face your dark side. Tell the truth about what you feel. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Anger is just an experience. You don’t have to act out.Represent yourself. It’s OK to say, “I’m feeling angry” or “I’m too upset to discuss this right now.” Owning your experience without blaming others puts you back in charge.Cognitive restructuring

Each time you give in to your triggers, you create more neuro connections that keeps the behavior alive. When you feel the urge to react it’s because your emotional brain (the amygdala in your limbic system) overrides your thinking brain (your pre-frontal cortex), where good decisions are made.

You aren’t a prisoner of your emotions. There’s a way to change your wiring: it’s called cognitive restructuring.

Become aware of your triggers

What makes you angry? Whether it’s a certain person, a situation or someone’s behavior, the ability to identify your triggers is the first step to consciously change your response in the future.

Feel but don’t act

This is difficult, because you have created habits that help you release the pressure, such as interrupting, discounting, yelling, or stonewalling. Notice your desire to revert to the comfortable behavior but, instead, pause. Do not take any action. Instead, do the courageous work of feeling.

Notice your bodily sensations. Does your neck get hot? Do your palms sweat. Does your stomach feel upset? What happens next? Resist the urge to release pressure. There’s a refractory period for your pre-frontal cortex to take over, so give it some time and let the feelings dissipate.

Create a plan

It’s easier to change behavior if you already have a plan for what to do instead of reverting to your trigger response. For example, if you tend to get triggered when Kim surprises you with unwanted information, take a breath. Then, instead of reacting, you tell Kim you’d like to meet with them next Thursday at 2 p.m.

Rather than firing off a terse email in all caps, wait until the next day to send the email. When you’re back in charge and feel grounded, leave all emotion out of the email, instead focusing on facts and action items.

Learning to self-regulate is challenging but rewarding. You’ll know your practices are working for you when you no longer get triggered by the same situations or people. In addition, others will notice a change in you.

Three times lately, someone has either thanked me for my patience or told me how patient I am. As one who has struggled most of my life with impatience, it’s great to know that I’m not at the mercy of my old behaviors, and neither are you.

Self-regulation is the path to your future self. You can transform your life and leadership with emotional integrity and cognitive restructuring.

Article originally published via SmartBrief.

Marlene Chism is a consultant, executive educator and the author of “Stop Workplace Drama” (Wiley 2011), “No-Drama Leadership” (Bibliomotion 2015) and her new book “From Conflict to Courage“ (Berrett-Koehler 2022). She is a recognized expert on the LinkedIn Global Learning platform. Connect with Chism via  or at MarleneChism.com.

The post Try These Practices To Increase Your Self-Regulation appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Making Distinctions Reduces Conflict

Part of leadership is managing conflict, but you can’t manage what you don’t understand, and what you don’t understand leads to ineffective decision-making. Building the critical skill of making distinctions helps leaders make better decisions and manage conflicts.

Here are three distinctions every leader needs to understand.

1. Identity versus title

Your title might be leader, but if you overly identify with your former role, you’ll struggle to hold former peers accountable once you start managing them. While they are technically your teammates, if your title is leader, the buck stops with you.

Meanwhile, if you identify too closely with being a “nice leader,” you’ll rescue the underperformers and justify your leadership behavior because you like the employee or you don’t want to hurt their feelings. But there’s a difference between helping and rescuing.

Signs that you might be stuck in an identity trap include:

Continuing to do their work for themAgreeing with excusesCoaching them but not seeing resultsNudging them to take initiativeFeeling sorry for themWhat to do instead

Ask yourself, “Do I want their success more than they do?” If the answer is “yes,” it’s time to elevate your identity to leader, and that starts with your actions.

Initiate a meeting, own the part you played, then set the new ground rules. It sounds like this:

“Morgan, I’ve realized that even with coaching the results just aren’t there. I’ve been putting off this difficult conversation because I knew you had gone through a rough patch. We need to start from a clear slate. Starting this week, I’ll expect …”

Then name the consequences of failing to get results. This helps the employee get a fresh start, and it allows you to stop avoiding and start leading.

2. Process versus result

There’s a time to talk about process and a time to focus on results. The end result drives process. In other words, the “what” always comes before the “how.” If you’re talking about process before defining the outcome, you’ll waste time arguing about details before you’re clear on the vision.

Here are some ways to know if you’re talking about process to early.

Inability to describe the situationTalking about solutions before describing the end resultArguments that never resolveAsking about price before talking about valueActions lead to circular movementWhat to do instead

Define the situation. What’s not happening that should be happening? Next, define your end result. What does success look like, smell like, sound like or taste like?

Ask yourself whether your actions are premature.  If you find yourself designing a workshop, developing a new role, or starting a new initiative out of desperation, it means you need to slow down, define the situation and define the desired end result.

3. Perception versus observation

If you hear yourself saying things like, “they don’t care,” “he isn’t engaged” or “she thinks she’s above it all,” then you’re operating off of emotions and not observation. In other words, you’re relying on your emotional brain rather than your executive brain.

As a leader, it’s self-regulation that helps you initiate conversations that get results. Unbridled emotion is a sign you’re living in the survival zone, which leads to mismanaged conflict.

Here’s how to know whether you’re operating from your prefrontal cortex or your limbic system:

Harboring resentment about an employeeAvoiding conversations because you know what they will sayMoving employees around on the chessboardInitiating global conversations instead of addressing the issue head on and individuallyRetaliationWhat to do instead

Increase your self-awareness by observing your inner dialogue. Is it full of blame, anger and resentment? Realize that any unwanted emotion probably means there’s a conversation that needs to happen.

Don’t believe every thought you think. Instead, take a breath, then question your perceptions by addressing observable behaviors. It goes like this, “Parul, I noticed you haven’t spoken up at the last two meetings. My perception is that you’re checked out. Walk me through what’s going on.”

Parul now has an opportunity to share concerns.

What if Parul says, “Not at all, it’s just your perception.” That’s your opportunity to say, “Perhaps it is. What I need from you is to offer your input and engage in the next meeting. Can I get that from you?”

Whether the employee was checked out or not, chances are their behavior will change because you maintained composure, addressed the observed behavior and shared your perception without preaching or judging.

Conclusion

Where there is conflict or ineffective decision-making, find two similar concepts, ideas or components and look for distinctions. It’s in the distinctions that good decisions are made and leaders successfully manage conflict

Article originally published via SmartBrief

Marlene Chism is a consultant, international speaker and the author of  “Stop Workplace Drama ” (Wiley 2011), “ No-Drama Leadership ” (Bibliomotion 2015) and  From Conflict to Courage  (Berrett-Koehler 2022). She is a recognized expert on the LinkedIn Global Learning platform. Connect with Chism via 

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Emotional Integrity

Strong emotions can derail even the most stable leader, given the right timing and circumstances. Like me, I’m  sure you’ve done something you regret when you reacted out of anger–maybe you’ve fired off a terse email, raised your voice or accused someone of ill intention. Sometimes we feel that we are at the mercy of our emotions.

The problem isn’t our emotions. The problem is mismanagement. Emotional triggers hijack decision-making, increasing the probability of unnecessary conflict. The key to changing this self-destructive pattern is self-regulation.

Two skills to help you increase self-regulation can be found in my SmartBrief article.

https://corp.smartbrief.com/original/2022/03/why-emotional-integrity-is-key-for-self-regulation

The post Emotional Integrity appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Should You Trust Your Feelings?

If you hear yourself saying things like, “they don’t care,” “he isn’t engaged” or “she thinks she’s above it all,” then you’re operating off of emotions and not observation. In other words, you’re relying on your emotional brain rather than your executive brain.

As a leader, it’s self-regulation that helps you initiate conversations that get results. Unbridled emotion is a sign you’re living in the survival zone, which leads to mismanaged conflict.

Here’s how to know whether you’re operating from your prefrontal cortex or your limbic system:

Harboring resentment about an employeeAvoiding conversations because you know what they will sayMoving employees around on the chessboardInitiating global conversations instead of addressing the issue head on and individuallyRetaliation

What to do instead

Increase your self-awareness by observing your inner dialogue. Is it full of blame, anger and resentment? Realize that any unwanted emotion probably means there’s a conversation that needs to happen.

Don’t believe every thought you think. Instead, take a breath, then question your perceptions by addressing observable behaviors. It goes like this, “Parul, I noticed you haven’t spoken up at the last two meetings. My perception is that you’re checked out. Walk me through what’s going on.”

Parul now has an opportunity to share concerns.

What if Parul says, “Not at all, it’s just your perception.” That’s your opportunity to say, “Perhaps it is. What I need from you is to offer your input and engage in the next meeting. Can I get that from you?”

Whether the employee was checked out or not, chances are their behavior will change because you maintained composure, addressed the observed behavior, and shared your perception without preaching or judging.

BTW

In my book, From Conflict to Courage there’s a whole chapter on Self-Regulation. The chapter is called Emotional Integrity: Anger is not the truth.

It won’t be published until May but you can preorder on Amazon if you want.

The post Should You Trust Your Feelings? appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Process Versus Result

It’s common for leaders to be disappointed with investments in workshops, leadership development and other initiatives that didn’t solve the problem they were intended to solve. I believe this is because the leader got caught up in process before being able to adequately describe the desired result. In other words we get the cart before the horse.

There’s a time to talk about process and a time to focus on results. The end result drives process. In other words, the “what” always comes before the “how.” If you’re talking about process before defining the outcome, you’ll waste time arguing about details before you’re clear on the vision.

Here are some ways to know if you’re talking about process too early.

Inability to describe the situationTalking about solutions before describing the end resultArguments that never resolveAsking about price before talking about valueActions lead to circular movementThe same problem occurs even after a significant investment in development

What to do instead

Define the situation. What’s not happening that should be happening? Next, define your end result. What does success look like, smell like, sound like or taste like?

Ask yourself whether your actions are premature.  If you find yourself designing a workshop, developing a new role, or starting a new initiative out of desperation, it means you need to slow down, define the situation and define the desired end result.

The post Process Versus Result appeared first on Marlene Chism.

Why New Leaders Struggle

If you promote a top performer but they struggle with leading it could be an issue of identity. If they are a leader in title only but they still identify with former peers, they won’t be able to create accountability or initiate difficult conversations about performance, or behavior.

In addition, if they view themselves as “nice” they’ll rescue the under performers and justify the behavior because they don’t want to come off as harsh or hurt feelings.

Signs that a new leader is stuck in an identity trap:

Continuing to do employees work for themAgreeing with excusesCoaching them but not seeing resultsNudging them to take initiativeFeeling sorry for them

Here’s how I would coach this if I were coaching a new leader, and you can use this technique while coaching one of your leaders.

Ask this question: Do you want their success more than they do? If the answer is “yes” it’s time to elevate your identity as a leader, and it begins with action.

Initiate a meeting, own the part you played, then set the new ground rules. It sounds like this:

“Morgan, I’ve realized that even with coaching the results just aren’t there. I’ve been putting off this difficult conversation because I knew you had gone through a rough patch. We need to start from a clear slate. Starting this week, I’ll expect …”

Then name the consequences of failing to get results. This helps the employee get a fresh start, and it allows you to stop avoiding and start leading.

In my upcoming book From Conflict to Courage there’s a whole chapter on Leadership Identity.

You can pre-order now on Amazon!

To your success,

Marlene Chism

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Stop Getting Distracted

One reason so many of us hate meetings is because there’s no structure and no real purpose. Even if there is structure, order, and purpose, if the facilitator gets distracted the meeting can go down winding roads.

Let’s face it some business meetings drain your energy. That’s because the conversation resembles popcorn in the wind. There are too many priorities, multiple left-hand turns, and no action items to follow up on.

This happens at group meetings on site, Zoom meetings and one-on-one meetings. Allowing distractions makes people dread meeting with you; therefore, they disconnect before the conversation begins.

Here’s what to do. Set an intention and a desired end result for every meeting.

The skillset is to plan, plan, plan. I know planning doesn’t “feel good” if you are a mover and a shaker, but a stitch in time saves nine! There is value in creating a plan and sticking to it.

Planning the conversation’s intention and goals is the key to avoiding distraction.

Decide in advance where you want the conversation to go and the kind of tone you expect. What’s the final outcome? What action items require follow through? How long will the meeting last?

If you’re getting distracted, whether in a one-one one meeting. a group huddle or a strategy session. see if planning helps you stay on track.

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How to Dramatically Improve All Relationships

My focus today is on a practice you can use to improve any relationship, personally or professionally.

The practice is to substitute supervision for Super Vision.
We all crave being truly seen, yet we fail to see others. Instead of seeing another person we see their age, religion, political affiliation, gender, race or a combination thereof. We start to treat others in service to us as a means to our end. We forget that they have challenges and desires just as we do. When we get into the habit of “supervising” others, we fail to see their humanity and we view them as a means to our ends.

This week practice really seeing another individual. Notice their brilliance, their skills their capacity to care.

There are literally hundreds of ways to practice really seeing people.

·      Look them in the eye.

·      Compliment them on a skill.

·      Smile first.

·      Listen without interrupting.

·      Stop trying to fix others.

·      Hear their story without having to share yours.

Equally there are hundreds of opportunities to practice this skill so that you become good at this in your leadership role.

Whether it’s a CNA taking care of your loved one in a nursing facility, the person at the cash register at the grocery store, the waiter at a restaurant, be present. See their brilliance, their care, and their humanity.

You will see a shift in their demeanor, and it will transform you.

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Become a Facilitator

This is the fourth tip in my Connect More in 2022 series. This one is simple and often forgotten: Become a facilitator. When you facilitate you see the bigger picture and you take initiative, you direct the conversation, and you initiate communication instead of sitting back and hoping others will “get it.”

You can do this at networking events, virtual meetings, and surprise, even with your family, for example if you’re visiting an elderly parent, facilitate a call that includes their friends or some of your extended family. Sure, you wish they would take the initiative, but unfortunately too many sit in the wings waiting to be led. You can be that leader.

Here’s a business example: Sometimes on video calls, you’ll be invited to participate in groups without a designated facilitator. The result is often no organization, frustration and lots of wasted time.

Mindset: Someone has to take the lead. If no facilitator was assigned, my suggestion is to jump in and say “I volunteer to facilitate unless someone else is dying to do it.”

Skill set: Assess the time allotment, create a mini-agenda and mark how much time is allotted to each person. If you’ve been designated as the facilitator, explain that each person gets a certain allotment of time and then facilitate a round-robin — with a timer, if necessary.

Stop wishing others would engage. Create the engagement by becoming an excellent facilitator.

If you are interested in exploring how to create facilitators out of your leaders reach out to me by email for a complimentary call. marlene@marlenechism.com

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Cultivate Curiosity

This is the third tip in my Connect More in 2022 series. My tip for increasing connection is to Cultivate curiosity. It’s more difficult to cultivate curiosity if you’re a seasoned leader, or equally if you feel the need to prove yourself.

I’ve coached high-level leaders on initiating difficult conversations, and a common objection is, “I already know what they’re going to say.” What I explain is, while you can predict a pattern, you don’t really know what someone will say until they actually say it.

The reason we avoid conversations is because we make predictions based on past patterns. What we don’t realize is that we’re also in a pattern: a pattern of assuming, which contributes to the predictable outcome. Avoiding the elephant in the room only deepens the disconnect.

Mindset: I could be wrong about how I’m seeing things.

Skill set: Learn the art of radical listening. Acknowledge and inquire. Say something like, “That’s an interesting point of view. Tell me more.” Then close your mouth until you’ve really heard what the other person has to say, not what you assumed they would say.

I’m curious…how are you liking the series on improving connection? I’d love to hear about your insights.

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