Marlene Chism's Blog, page 11

Don’t Fall for this Trap

Have you ever had that sinking feeling after someone comes to you to secretly tell you what someone else said about you?

You feel trapped because you have “insider information” but you don’t feel the freedom to approach the person who is saying bad things about you because it would betray the one who gave you the inside information?

I call this the Power of Attorney Trap. It’s when “Kim” comes to you representing “Chris,” or when an employee comes to you with “what everyone else thinks. Believe it or not, this behavior happens even at the executive level!

When someone tells you what everyone else thinks your question is, “What do YOU think?”

You will find some back-peddling in the form of “I’m Ok with it,” or “I’m just trying to warn you,” or “Don’t tell them that I told you.”

This kind of undermining behavior will cause a lot of relationship drama. Make sure you don’t take the bait.

If the person isn’t in the room to represent themselves, stop the conversation and offer to invite the “other person” to the conversation.

This is tough love, and it is AWKWARD, but if you want to build trust in your organization have the courage to confront the issues instead of talking behind other people’s back.

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Accountability versus Micromanagement

I often get asked this question,

“How do I hold my team accountable without being a micromanager?”

Many leaders worry about being a micromanager, but there’s a wide gap between micromanaging and having a light hands-on approach. Don’t let your fear of being called a “micromanager” keep you from creating an accountable culture. Make sure the word “micromanager” isn’t being over used. Define the word and make sure everyone is on the same page.

In addition, ask what accountability means to your team members. Often people associate accountability with blame or punishment, when in reality  accountability is about measuring and tracking progress so that you know where you are and what to adjust. Stop trusting the checklist, and trust yourself as a leader to inspire greater accountability.

To your success,
Marlene Chism

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Do your boundaries stick?

A question I’m asked a lot is, “Why aren’t my boundaries sticking?”

There are three key reasons boundaries don’t stick:

First, It wasn’t a boundary in the first place.

A request or wish is not a boundary. A boundary is not a boundary unless you have a measure of control regarding the consequences of the boundary being crossed.

Second, you care more about their agreement than you care about keeping a boundary, so you keep allowing the unwanted behavior hoping they will understand.

Third, there’s no consequence for crossing the boundary. Don’t set a boundary unless you can follow through, otherwise you lose credibility and decrease cooperation.

Remember, even during the holidays, good boundaries make for good relationships.

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Hills and Valleys

This year for me has been a mixture of the best and the worst. It’s the first time I’ve been able to catch my breath in a long time. It’s a reminder to me of how life can change on a dime, and how we must travel through the hills and valleys.

In 2022 my book was published (From Conflict to Courage)  and  had the pleasure of doing the audio version of the book, which was a rewarding albeit grueling process. During the audio recording of the book, I also filmed another LinkedIn course from my home, where they shipped the cameras to me. Check it out if you want. It’s called:

How Leaders Drive Results and Resolve Conflict in Hybrid Workplace

To my surprise in September my book received an international award (long listed) by getAbstract. I was invited to Germany to attend the awards ceremony. It was the trip of a lifetime. I have included a couple of pictures. 

I struggled with the decision to go to Germany because my mom had been in long term care since January, and I had been there every single day with the exception of a few days. My family said they would help, so I decided to go to Germany and I told mom about the trip.  She died two weeks after I told her, and two weeks before I left.

As we enter into a New Year, remember that life has and always been uncertain. What we can do is to live by our own values, and manage the hills and the valleys. Nothing lasts forever—not the good times or the bad. We all say we want more inclusion and connection.  You can start right where you are by including your elders, new employees, or single friends who might otherwise feel left out in the hustle and bustle of a busy life.

Take care,
Marlene Chism

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Emotional Integrity

Do you lose your cool only to have regrets later? Do you often describe yourself by saying “I have an anger problem?”  Or do you work with someone who seems edgy, sharp, and simply can’t master their energy? When emotions take over it’s easy to misunderstand and be misunderstood.

Even if you want to change, it can seem impossible to break ingrained patterns. You don’t need to be held hostage to your emotions or urges! We’ll talk about winning the inner game and how to start building emotional integrity.

What is emotional integrity?What are the three components?Some tips to help you get started

Check these out in this LinkedIn Live episode available on my YouTube channel:

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Best Practices to Resolve Conflict

The best way to resolve conflict and stop drama so that you can get back to getting things done!

With the release of my latest book, From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading, came some insight packed interviews.

Here are a few of these interview episodes to listen to:

The best way to reduce conflict and stop drama so that you can get back to getting things done.

Lead with Levity
No More Drama: How to Resolve Conflict the Right Way

In this episode we cover:

Overcoming employee resistance to change in the workplace.The difference between a care-fronting vs. confronting strategy.How to resolve conflict through courageous conversations.And more!

Listen here: Lead with Levity

 

I cover, In my interview on Speak Up with Laura Camacho:

Why conflict is not the problem (and what is).What you can do as a team leader when reports are in conflict.My process for breaking down an interpersonal conflict at work.What to do when the culture at work is not conductive to open and honest conversations.And more!

Listen here: Speak Up with Laura Camacho

 

And listen to this episode of The Workplace Podcast in Association with YellowWood, where I join host William Corless to discuss how mismanagement can lead to conflict and workplace drama.

We explore how conflict can be managed and why so many managers and leaders try to avoid conflict and sweep it under the rug.

Listen here: The Workplace Podcast in Association with YellowWood

Enjoy!
Marlene Chism

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Power Structures and The Three Types of Resistance

It doesn’t take a white paper to understand that high conflict behaviors contribute to a lot of team drama and dysfunction, including poor decision-making. Conflict is even more complex when working with powerful people in high positions: Think boards, city councils, executive teams and well connected but disagreeable people. Check out my training:

Power Structures and the Three Types of Resistance.

Learn how power structures make conflict even more complex, and how to spot the three types of resistance no matter what the structure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking for more resistance training? Check out my post: Are you resisting their resistance?

Take Care,
Marlene Chism

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Expand Your Conflict Capacity

As a leader you must build your conflict capacity, stop avoiding the difficult conversations and start leading your employees.

Listen to my interview on the Legendary Leaders Podcast with Cathleen Merkel for insights on how to become a better conflict manager.

Here are just a few of the key takeaways from the show:

Learn how avoidance, appeasing and aggression patterns lead to conflict mismanagement.Learn to lead well without focusing on trying to change negative minds.The model to help you get clarity as a leader and how to give your employees clarity.The benefits of expanding your conflict capacity instead of embracing conflict.

For these and more leadership insights for expanding your conflict capacity listen to:                          The Legendary Leadership Podcast Episode 94.

Best,
Marlene Chism

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Difficult conversations: Common traps to avoid

Even with the best of intentions, conversations about performance or behavior can provoke defensiveness, and veer off track. If you’ve ever been blindsided, confused or angry from a conversation that didn’t go the way you intended, it’s likely because you fell into one of the four common traps. Here’s what you need to know to avoid the traps of a difficult conversation and stay on topic.

Trap #1 Verbal Ping Pong

It’s difficult enough in a planned meeting with an agenda to stay on topic, but in a difficult conversation it’s easy to take the bait and get off course. If you find yourself defending your stance or arguing about a different topic it means you lost your leadership clarity.

How it happens: You’re discussing a performance issue when your employee says something that triggers you. You become defensive when they say, “That’s not fair” or “You should hear what others think of your leadership.” Now you’re having a totally different conversation.

What to do instead: Create an intention for every difficult conversation and state that intention at the beginning of the conversation. Be mindful of how you craft the intention because if you say, “My intention is to understand your point of view,” then your leadership behavior will be about listening, not about coaching. If you intend to coach them or help them achieve a new standard, you might say, “My intention is to help you with a plan to achieve your goals.” Stating your intention at the beginning of a conversation creates focus. Staying focused doesn’t mean you discount whatever else is said, it means you designate a time for that discussion and stay on topic for the one you intended.

Trap #2 Perceiving Intent

Human beings are meaning making machines, and leaders are no exception. When you’re dealing with a behavioral or performance problem it’s easy to perceive that they don’t care, have an attitude problem, aren’t engaged or won’t collaborate.  These are all assumptions and perceptions.

How it happens: Assuming intent is often fueled by resentment. Resentment builds when you first notice ineffective performance or behavior but fail to address the issues. Leaders often justify avoidance because they “already know” how the other will respond or they believe adults shouldn’t have to be coached. Here’s the problem: When the leader doesn’t address the issue, the employee has a viable excuse for not changing.

What to do instead: First address the observed behavior not your perception of the behavior. Instead of saying, “You have an attitude problem,” which is a perception, say instead, “I noticed you just rolled your eyes when I brought up the new project.” Only after stating the observed behavior is it applicable to share your interpretation.  The observed behavior is the fact, and your perception is how you interpret the behavior.

For example, “When you roll your eyes while I’m speaking, it makes me perceive that you disagree but don’t want to bring your thoughts forward.” Intentionally sharing your perception allows some grace for the employee to explain their situation and reflect on what you said. The employee might say, “Oh no, you’re just sensitive.”  Don’t disagree. Simply ask for what you need in the future.

By the nature of bringing the issue to light you have opened the door to ask for what you want or set an appropriate boundary. Remember, it’s one thing to act up when no one has said anything about it. It’s another issue altogether once the elephant is brought into the room.

Trap #3 Focusing on the Past

When you’ve been blindsided or disappointed over and over it’s tempting to build a list of past wrongs to help you feel justified. What you must understand is that if the problem has been going on for years, it means someone in authority has been avoiding the issue until it became urgent to address. If you have a laundry list of wrongdoing, then you must assume part of the blame so that you can facilitate real change.

How it Happens: If you’ve told them a thousand times, it means you’ve allowed the behavior 999 times!  The reason people continue to do what they do is because in some way it’s been allowed. When you’ve reached your limit, it’s easy to let emotions drive the conversation about past performance instead of future goals.

What to do instead: You can give honest feedback without being hurtful. Talk about what you want rather than what you don’t want. This simple rule is a practice that has to be built into a habit. Instead of saying, “I don’t want you to make so many mistakes,” say, “I want to significantly improve effectiveness. Instead of saying, “I don’t want you to keep losing customers,” say instead, “I want you to increase your client list.” Stop focusing on the past and instead create a vision for the future.

Difficult conversations about performance, results, or behavior can trigger defensiveness in the leader or in the employee. As a leader, knowing how to identify and avoid these three common traps keeps the conversation on point and focused forward. While avoiding conflict is a temporary fix, consciously stepping up to conflict can boost your leadership effectiveness.

Article Originally published via SmartBrief.

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Listen to Marlene

With the launch of my book, From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading, came opportunities for some great podcast interviews.

From workplace conflict resolution to the 3 A’s, here are some places you can get my tips and steps to help you stop avoiding and start leading today.

Click the links below to check out these interviews for great leadership insights.

Communication TwentyFourSeven
How You Can Courageously Face Conflict in the Workplace
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-you-can-courageously-face-conflict-in-the-workplace/id1576764160?i=1000568820218

Outstanding Women Leaders
From Conflict to Courage with Marlene Chism
https://outstandingwomenleaders.podbean.com/e/s3-episode-14-episode-from-conflict-to-courage-with-marlene-chism/

Deliberate Leaders Podcast
From Conflict to Courage Stop Avoiding & Start Leading
https://www.deliberatedirections.com/from-conflict-to-courage-stop-avoiding-start-leading-with-marlene-chism/

The Injoy Success Podcast
From Conflict to Courage
https://injoysuccesspodcast.podbean.com/e/episode-198-marlene-chism-from-conflict-to-courage/

Crafting Solutions to Conflict
Moving From Conflict to Courage
https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/podcast/episode-179-marlene-chisholm-on-moving-from-conflict-to-courage

All my Best,

Marlene Chism

 

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