Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 239

What Are Your “Trigger Points” for Conflict?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts below.

When I was reading an advance copy of Karen Ehman’s book “Let It Go“, she was talking about one way to mend our control-freak tendencies. She advocates figuring out what your “trigger points” are during the day when you’re likely to blow up at someone, and then figure out how to do things differently.

So it got me thinking: what are the common trigger points in families?

My mother was often stressed with her family as a teenager, especially on Sunday mornings. Her parents were not the most organized, and Sunday mornings were hectic. My grandfather was a pastor, and he was always missing something–his keys, his tie. My grandmother could never find her glasses. And they would yell and run trying to get out the door. My mother, meanwhile, would be all ready. She had to teach Sunday School, and she had to get going. But invariably she was late because her parents were late.

So eventually she stopped waiting and decided that on Sundays she would take the bus to church. It took a lot longer than the car ride, but it was a lot less stressful, and she could make sure that she wasn’t late.

Sunday mornings were her trigger point. She knew that was coming.

What are yours?

A good exercise is to start keeping track of the times that you become angry or aggravated at your husband (or your kids), and then ask yourself:

What led up to this? What else was happening at the time?

You see, usually when we react in anger the problem is not solely the thing that we are angry about. So if your husband walks in the door ten minutes late, one night you may blow up at him, while another night it bounced right off of you and you didn’t care.

What’s the difference?

Similarly, there may be times you’re ready to tear your husband’s hair out for leaving his socks on the floor one more time instead of getting them in the hamper, while other mornings you’re happily picking up the clothes while humming to yourself.

What’s different?

We dwell on the infraction–being late, not picking up the socks–but we often fail to realize that there are other things that are also contributing to the problem. If we recognize what those other things are, we can see that these are our “trigger points” for anger. It isn’t necessarily what our husband does that makes us mad; it’s what else is going on that is causing us to see our husbands in a bad light.

Here are some common ones to get you thinking:

1. Feeling Overwhelmed/Busy

Ever feel like this?

You’re just so weighed down by demands.

Let’s say that the night that your husband came in ten minutes late and you exploded was also the night that one child had soccer practice right at 6:45, and another child had swimming lessons right at 7, and all day you had been obsessing over how to get each child to the right place at the right time without making anybody late.

You have no leeway for error.

Or perhaps you just have had no time to yourself for a week because you’ve been chauffeuring kids everywhere, and you have a busy work schedule, and some other family things have come up. And you’re just feeling very put upon. In that case, those extra socks can feel as if your husband is standing over you, saying, “here’s something else you have to do! Your whole life is one big to-do list!”



Ask yourself: the last few times that I’ve gotten annoyed, have I been extremely busy? If so, maybe the best thing I can do for my marriage is to take the kids out of some activities and start learning to say “no”.

2. Feeling Tired

When we’re exhausted we get grumpy. Little things our husbands do bother us so much more. And yet if we were bright eyed and bushy tailed we may be able to laugh it off!



Ask yourself: Have I been getting enough sleep lately? Maybe I need to start going to bed earlier, and training the children to sleep regularly, on their own, so that I can invest in my marriage.

3. Feeling Defensive

Have you been angry at yourself lately? Maybe you’re mad because you can’t seem to lose that weight. Maybe you feel like you should be further ahead in your career right now. Maybe you feel like you should be a better mother. I was speaking at a conference recently and a woman came up and asked for prayer because she found that she was constantly angry at her kids. She didn’t want to be that kind of mom, but the house was chaotic and she was always angry.

We got to talking, and I shared with her that anger is usually a secondary emotion. We react in anger because we feel something else first, and that feeling is too sensitive, or too difficult to deal with, so we deflect it into anger. In her case, she had an immense fear of failure. She was afraid that she wasn’t a good mom. So when things around the house got chaotic and seemed to prove that fear was justified, she became angry.

The problem, though, was that she was already angry at herself. And when we’re angry at ourselves, we usually deflect that anger to other people, because it’s psychologically easier. So when you’re angry at yourself for not being able to keep on top of things at home, and then your husband leaves socks on the bedroom floor, you’ll get angry at him. It’s not the socks; it’s just another trigger that the house is out of control.

Ask yourself: Am I trying too hard to be perfect? Do I constantly feel like a failure? How can I pray through this and work through this with a friend/mentor so that I don’t project my anger at myself onto other people?

4. Feeling Disconnected

A couple is supposed to feel like a team. They’re supposed to feel intimate, like they’re supporting each other and loving each other. And sex is a big part of that.

When you’re not making love regularly, you start to feel disconnected, because something is missing. Sex was the primary way that God created us to experience intimacy in marriage, and when we’re not pursuing it, it feels as if we’re keeping our spouse at arm’s length, even if that isn’t our conscious intention.

That’s when it’s easy to feel unsettled in your relationship. We start to second guess each other and question each other because we haven’t “checked in” on the relationship lately by making love. When you make love, you say, “I love you. I forgive past hurts. I want to be close.” When you don’t make love, those things may still be true, but you haven’t shown it tangibly in the same way. So we start to doubt.

And when we’re doubting, those socks on the floor seem to be saying, “I don’t really care about you.” Or they’re saying, “I’m mad at you, so I’m not going to consider your needs or your comfort.”

We’re not defensive about ourselves in this case; we’ve become defensive about the relationship.

Ask yourself: Have you made love regularly, or are you going through a dry spell? To improve your marriage, commit to making love regularly–say at least twice a week. Love covers a multitude of sins, but sex also covers a multitude of misunderstandings.

5. Feeling Hormonal

Finally, let’s not forget hormones. If I were to track all of the times that I’ve been a crying mess in front of my husband in the last few months, they would line up almost exactly with…well, you know what I’m talking about. And believe me, this gets way worse when you hit your 40s and perimenopause starts. Your hormones really are all over the place.

One day that sock is just a sock. The next day that sock is Evil Incarnate.

Ask yourself: am I feeling angry to a schedule? Maybe it’s time for me to look ahead of time at the calendar and look at when I’m likely to be difficult, and then warn people beforehand.

Here’s why these exercises can be so helpful: If you can identify the times when you’re most likely to blow up, then you can try either to avoid those times entirely–by becoming less busy, for instance–or you can plan more “alone” time for the times in your life when you are more likely to react badly to those you love.

So here’s the plan:

1. Think back to the last three times you reacted in anger towards your husband. Were any of these five things in play?

2. If you can’t remember the circumstances surrounding the last few times you’ve been angry, get a notebook out to keep track of things for the following month. Whenever you start to feel angry, take a step back and ask yourself which factors are affecting you.

3. If one particular trigger point keeps rearing its head, make a commitment to deal with that. For me, I’m going to block off the next day when I’ve got really bad PMS and just plan a day apart. I think it’s healthier for everyone!

4. On a related note, focus on the things you do well together. We’ve talked today about looking for the triggers for conflict; but we also have triggers for laughter. Figure out what you were doing the last time you laughed together, and do more of that!

If we could notice our trigger points for conflict, we’d have far less conflict in our marriage. So take a good, long look at yourself–and resolve to deal with those triggers!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL for your marriage post in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Seeking Peace Not the Absence of Conflict
Wifey Wednesday: Peace vs. Lack of Conflict
Being a Peace-MAKER Rather Than a Peace-KEEPER: Conflict in Marriage

What if My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive? A Round-Up

Last weekend I caused a bit of a hullabaloo by posting a Reader Question that said, “I’ve gained 25 pounds since we had kids, and now my husband says he doesn’t find me attractive. He apologized for hurting me, but he frequently turns me down when I proposition sex. What should I do?”

There were some not very helpful comments left on that post, and I thought it was an important enough subject to revisit and post some of my thoughts! So here goes, in no particular order:

1. Don’t Mess Around with Your Spouse’s Confidence

Being attractive to your spouse is HUGE. If your spouse tells you you’re not attractive, that’s devastating, and it’s hard to recover from. We’re supposed to delight in our spouses, not tear them down. So this is something that is likely best to keep to yourself.

That being said, sometimes we do need to be honest. Let’s say your husband has gained a tremendous amount of weight and sex is now just plain uncomfortable (I like to be able to breathe, for instance). Or perhaps you have gained 150 pounds and he does find it difficult to become aroused just seeing you now.

How do you handle that?

Address the health issues. Be part of the solution–like cooking better meals, initiating walks after dinner, and finding active habits to enjoy. If your spouse is  severely overweight, talk to him/her about how you don’t want him/her to die early, and you think that part of loving your spouse is taking care of yourself so you’re actually here to help raise the kids and see the grandkids and share old age with. But don’t make it into a “I don’t find you attractive” issue. In general, that’s not helpful.

2. The Onus is on the Husband to Delight in the Wife; not on the Wife To Make Herself Delectable

Proverbs 5:19 says,

Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;

It does not say, “Make sure YOUR breasts delight HIM”; it says to him, “delight in your wife.” Biblically, the onus is on the spouse to stay enthralled.

And that verse was directed at an older, married couple.

3. That Being Said, We Are To Try To Delight Our Husbands

I believe that part of loving your man and helping your man is being as attractive as you can be. After all, you’re the only woman he’s allowed to look at and take delight in! So make sure you’re attractive to look at!

That does mean keeping in shape as much as is realistic. Watch what you eat. Incorporate as many active things into your life as possible. Eating well does not take any more time than eating poorly, and so it’s a blessing we can give our family and our husbands. Choosing to walk places or choosing to take up biking as a family are all good things that can help us keep our weight manageable.

But even if you’re not a size 2 (and very, very few of us are), you can still be attractive! Fight the frump everyday. Get dressed. Wear clothes that flatter. So much of being sexy is about attitude, not just what we look like. If you’re passionate with your husband, and you present yourself well, you’re choosing to love him.

4. Let’s Not Forget the Main Thing

At the same time, let’s not forget the point of this life.

1 Timothy 4:8 says:

“Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come.”

So there’s nothing wrong with exercise; but let’s remember that our lives should not be about creating the perfect body at the expense of other things. I weigh about 22 pounds more today than I did when I was married. I walk a lot. I eat well. I exercise moderately. For me to get back to the weight I was when I was married would require a tremendous amount of effort. I’d have to be at the gym likely for about an hour and a half a day.

Is it worth it?

I don’t think so. I’m not saying exercising is bad; for many people, it’s their stress relief and their hobby, and that’s wonderful. But I have other hobbies. If I were to exercise for an hour and a half a day, that time would have to come from somewhere. Should I write this blog less? Should I stop writing my next book (or take about 3 times as long to write it?) Should I speak less? Should I homeschool my daughter less?

In other words, there are opportunity costs. And right now I think speaking and writing and spending time with my kids takes precedence over trying to look like I did when I was 20.

Now, if I were 250 pounds and this were a serious heath issue, then I’d feel differently. But we must weigh the costs, and not see the whole weight issue in a vacuum. When people tell someone, “just lose the weight”, you have to look at how difficult that would be, and whether it’s actually worth it. Much depends on the weight you’re starting at, and how realistic that target weight is.

5. Our Bodies Aren’t Supposed to Stay the Same

For someone to tell their spouse “I don’t find you as attractive as you were when we married” is a little harsh, because our bodies are not designed to stay the same. They are designed to slowly fall apart. That’s what aging is. After you have babies, you sag. You have stretch marks. You are bigger. You just ARE.

And as you age, you get moles. You get more hair growing on your upper lip and chin (where did THAT come from?!?!) Your veins start to stick out.

Your metabolism slows, and while you could eat a ton at 20 and stay 120 pounds, now you eat less and you’re 145. That’s what our bodies do.

Maturity means recognizing this and delighting in having a spouse to grow older with, not in expecting that person to stay 20.

6. We Put Way Too Much Emphasis on the Perfect Body

Sex is supposed to unite us in multiple ways–spiritually, physically, emotionally. The physical is only one. And when we put so much emphasis on needing the perfect body in order to make love we’ve lost the point. We’ve cheapened sex.

Yes, the body is important, and yes, we need to do what we can to keep ourselves attractive. But that does not mean looking like you’re 20 when you’re 35 and you’ve had 4 kids.

By the time you’re 35 and you’ve had 4 kids, sex should be about celebrating who you are together. It should be a way to relax. It should be a way to cement your relationship as you parent together. It should be about saying, “I’m still crazy about you.” It should be ALL of those things.

Unfortunately, in our pornographic society it’s all too easy to think that “sexy” means a certain body type. And when we constantly feed our minds with what those bodies look like, through consuming media or even porn, then it’s hard for our spouses to measure up.

We MUST fight against this. If your spouse is telling you that you aren’t attractive and that they don’t find you sexy, then perhaps it’s time to sit down and have a big talk about what intimacy really is. You can make a commitment to get healthy and to keep yourself attractive, but that’s only half the story. It’s also about recognizing that godly intimacy is a meeting of bodies AND souls, not just bodies. And if you say, “your body isn’t attractive, so I don’t want to make love”, you’re also basically rejecting the soul. God designed sex to help us feel like one SPIRITUALLY, not just PHYSICALLY. So if you say, “I physically don’t want to have sex with you,” you’re also saying, “I don’t want to feel like one with you.” That’s harsh. And it’s wrong. And it means that you’ve bought into a shallow version of sex.

My 31 Days to Great Sex book can help you work through this, because it shows us how sex can unite us spiritually and not just physically. And there are exercises to reclaim that part of your sex life. I also walk through several days where we talk about what to do when each other’s bodies aren’t as attractive as they once were. So if this is a struggle in your marriage, pick it up!

Weight is a really complex issue. I do think our marriages are worth the effort to look good, and to stay within a reasonable weight (definitely NOT what you were at 20, mind you!). Your spouse SHOULD matter to you, and making love is a huge part of marriage. Continuing to try to entice your spouse is a huge way of saying, “I care about you.”

Nevertheless, sex is best and most meaningful when it is not just about the body. Put too much emphasis there, and you buy into the world’s idea of sex. And that just cheapens it.

And that’s it–all my thoughts on the subject! I think I’ll keep putting up Reader Questions once a week, but I’ll answer them instead and set the tone. A number of you have said you appreciated the feature, so I’ll keep it up there. I think if I set the tone, the chance of the comments becoming too outrageous is a lot lower.

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Make Talking to Your Teens About Sex Low-Stress

Today’s guest post is by Joanna Hyatt.

“Uh, Joanna, why don’t you and Macy sit over there and…um, well, just do your thing. You know, because I bought you coffee.”

What??

I’m a sexpert. A sex expert. But not in the way you think. I don’t doll out tips to couples on how to make their marriage hot and steamy (I leave that to Sheila!). I instead get the world’s most hostile and simultaneously awkward audience: teenagers.

I go in to schools, churches, organizations, and any where there is a teen with questions about sex and dating, engaging them in open, honest, and hopefully thought-provoking conversations.

I had arranged to meet with this couple and their 15-year-old daughter for what I expected to be a routine talk about what I do as a way to indirectly bring up these topics in front of their daughter.

 

Instead, I found myself sitting across from a gangly teen girl who could hardly bring herself to make eye contact with me. It became clear in about 7 seconds that her parents had never initiated a conversation with her on these issues.

What these parents failed to see is that I’m actually not the most effective person for the job. Yes, teens will listen and open up to me in a way they don’t with most adults, and they’ve affectionately given me the title of “The Sex Lady.” But at the end of the day, there’s someone else who is going to influence these kids more than I will.

Parents.

Yet I’m finding that too many parents either don’t realize this or don’t believe it. They’ve lost confidence in their ability to influence their child’s decisions about sex and relationships, in the strength of their voice being greater than the cacophony of culture pushing on their children. Parents have lost confidence in being able to direct their children towards better, healthier choices than they may have made as teens.In surveys of teens, they consistently cite their parents as the greatest influence when it comes to their decisions about sex, dating, and relationships. They say it would be easier to delay sexual activity if they could have more open and honest conversations with mom and dad. The relationship a girl has with her father can actually delay the onset of puberty, the onset of sexual activity, and impact the type of boys and men she will date.

Please hear this:

You and your voice matter to your teen, to your pre-teen, or that child about to enter puberty. More than you probably realize.

Here are three tips for maximizing that influence:

1. What you don’t say matters as much as what you do

In wanting to avoid fumbling over what we say or blurting out something awkward, we may err on saying nothing. But your silence sends a message loud and clear: you don’t care. By failing to explain your values when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, you’re telling your child that they are free to form their own values. You are choosing to allow their friends, the media and the world around them to shape their decisions and opinions, rather than you.

No one else will love your child as much as you do. You’ll never say everything perfectly, but failing to say anything at all will only end up hurting your child in the end. Don’t allow fear to strip you of your right and privilege to be the greatest influence in your child’s life when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships.

2. You need to initiate the conversations

A number of my friends have this in common: when it came to conversations about sex, their parents handed them a book and said to ask them any questions they might have. Never once did those parents actually initiate a conversation on sex, or clarify what type of questions where allowed or appropriate.

You can tell your child they can talk to you about sex until you’re blue in the face. But unless you show them how serious you are by taking the first step, by initiating conversations and questions, they’ll likely remain closed off.

This doesn’t require anything as drastic as a three-hour road trip with your child. Use TV shows and magazines as a jumping off point to initiate conversations. Make clear what kind of questions and discussions they’re welcome to bring to you (Can they ask you about oral sex? Wet dreams? Asking/being asked out?), and reinforce that by regularly bringing those topics up yourself.

3. The first time will determine if you have a next time

No, that’s not some reference to sex with your spouse. It’s about the first time your child asks you a question about sex or relationships.

How you react will determine whether they feel safe to come to you again in the future, or resolve to never address this again. Whether they’re testing you to see if you really do want to be their go-to person, or they’re innocently asking about something they heard at school, your response must always be this:

Calm.

Internally, you may be having a heart attack at what you’ve just heard. Perfectly understandable, as it still happens to me. But externally, your child needs to see that their question has not fazed you, that they haven’t asked something that is off limits or that mom and dad can’t handle. If you react with anger, with disgust, with shock, or embarrassment, you send the message loud and clear that this is not something for the two of you to discuss. They’ll continue to have questions but now they’ll go elsewhere for the answers.

Sex talks with your kids can and should be fun. Rather than holding back in fear, embrace them as opportunities for amazing conversations with your children. I’ve written a book, The Sex Talk: A Survival Guide for Parents, to help you begin (or hopefully continue!) to speak and engage confidently with your child in this area, experiencing together how rewarding “the talk” can be.

As a parent, you already have more credibility and influence than you realize. It’s just a matter of learning what to talk about and how to say it in a way that will most effectively resonate with that hormonal teen staring at you.

Based out of Los Angeles, Joanna Hyatt is a national speaker on dating, relationships and sex, and the author of The Sex Talk: A Survival Guide for Parents. She blogs at www.joannahyatt.com and tweets @JoannaHyatt.

Related posts:

Preparing Children for Courtship
Be Great Parents. Gross Out Your Kids.
I Kissed Dating GoodBye

I’m Suspending the Reader Question of the Week

Hi all!

I think I need to issue an apology to my readers.

About six months ago or so I thought I’d start a Reader Question of the Week, where I post a question from a reader, and then let you all go at it. I don’t have time to answer all the emails that come in, so when I get a variety of emails about a particular topic, I thought it might be nice to give you all a chance to answer. I’m pressed for time, and it seemed like a good idea for a weekly feature.

In the last few months, though, these posts have caused me a considerable amount of stress because often the comments get nasty. Commenters start accusing other commenters of things; they make assumptions that aren’t warranted; and they just plain are not gracious to each other.

And often the advice that is given is really hurtful.

Yesterday, for instance, I posted about a woman who had gained 25 pounds since her kids were born, and her husband now doesn’t find her attractive. One of the comments said that gaining 25 pounds was sinful, and she was defrauding her husband.

I attempted to deflect this by writing an update, but I can just imagine how hurtful that comment was to read by women who are really struggling with their weight.

This is just the latest in a series of problems on these posts. A few weeks ago I had to delete about 35 comments from the thread because a disagreement broke out over what submission was–and basically one man was arguing that women have no right to ask anything of their husbands, because their husbands are the leaders.

Again, I can just imagine how hurtful that was to read by a woman who was genuinely hurting in her marriage.

So I am suspending the Reader Questions. I had already decided yesterday, after seeing the direction of the comments. I talked to my assistant about it and she agreed. And then today I received several emails about it, emails talking about how hurtful those comments were.

Quite frankly, I don’t want my blog to become a place where people can leave comments that are hurtful to others. I want it to be a place where people can hear good thoughts and good advice, and it seems that I can’t trust people to do that.

So instead, on Saturdays, I’m going to post one of my Facebook graphics from the week, along with links to older articles you may have missed that address that issue.

Here’s a graphic I posted yesterday, for instance:

I think that’s a little more helpful.

I just want to say I’m sorry. It was not a wise thing to open up the comments to people’s questions. I thought I could trust readers to be kind and gracious, and obviously I was wrong. I am sorry for rubbing salt into any wounds, and I don’t want to give people a forum to do that anymore.

I guess we learn as we blog. Please forgive me, and I’ll try to be more helpful from now on!

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Can Things Get Better?
Reader Question of the Week: On What We Read
Reader Question of the Week: Healthy Tug-O-War

Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question comes from a reader, who needs some advice:

I have always struggled with my weight. I go up and down by 10 pounds quite a lot. And since the babies came, my weight is now on average about 25 pounds heavier than it was when we got married.

My husband came to me recently and said that he just doesn’t get turned on by looking at me anymore. He doesn’t find me attractive.

That devastated me, and I told him, and he’s apologized. But I can’t get that thought out of my head that he doesn’t like how I look. I want to lose weight, but it really isn’t easy. And I find myself propositioning him for sex, but he often says no. What do I do?

What do you think?  How should she handle this?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Help, My Husband Can Be Gross!
Reader Question of the Week: Weighty Issues
Reader Question of the Week: Why Isn’t My Husband More Affectionate?

The Five Love Languages of Moms

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. 

This Sunday, moms everywhere will be awakened by little feet carrying trays of soggy cereal and cold toast. It’s Mother’s Day!

And that means a $6 card gushing about mom is absolutely mandatory, along with that perfect gift (hint: the perfect gift does not go in the bathroom and begin with an “S” and end with a “cale”).

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of gifts, largely because I spend so much of my energy trying to get rid of stuff. I’m a minimalist at heart who has the number for the Salvation Army pick-up on speed dial. In fact, gifts are often a negative for me. If I receive a gift, I always feel like I have to give one back. And I am just simply awful at choosing gifts.

But please, don’t assume that just because this lovely columnist eschews diamonds that your wife doesn’t secretly desire some gems. We are all different, and this Mother’s Day, you could earn some major brownie points figuring out exactly what kind of woman your mom, or wife, is.

According to Gary Chapman, the author of the best selling book The Five Love Languages, each of us has a preferred love language–the love language in which we feel loved.

Some of us certainly love Gifts. We love receiving them because we feel as if the person has thought of us, and sacrificed for us.

Others of us lean more towards the language of Physical Touch. We love holding hands, or cuddling on the couch, or getting fingers through our hair. Some of us prefer Acts of Service, when someone does the dishes so that we can relax. If hubby put up a set of shelves to display some new family photographs, that would put us over the moon. Still others lean towards Words of Affirmation, where people tell us what they appreciate most about us. Finally, there’s Quality Time. We just plain love spending hours with those we love–going for a drive, playing a board game, going for a hike and talking. When people set aside time for us, we feel cherished.

And here’s the clincher: because that’s the way we experience love the most, that’s also the way we tend to want to give love. So those who appreciate Words of Affirmation tend to affirm those they love. Those who appreciate Physical Touch tend to touch. But what if a “touchy” person is married to a “service” person? The touchy person could be hugging and touching and caressing galore, but the service person is thinking, “why doesn’t he ever just put his clothes in the hamper”? Likewise, the touchy person is thinking, “why doesn’t she ever just hug me when I get in the door?”

Of course, you can like a variety of these languages, but most of us have a dominant one. I’m a “Words of Affirmation” gal, and every year I tell my husband and girls : “don’t buy me anything for Mother’s Day! Just write me a long letter about what you love about me!” Luckily I’m so wonderful that’s easy for them.

My daughters, though, don’t share my love language. One of them veers more towards Quality Time, and the other is super Touchy. I have to go out of my way to be deliberate about not just verbally affirming my girls, as I would naturally do, but also touching Katie, and putting away my computer and talking to Rebecca.

We’re all very different. And this Mother’s Day, instead of buying that $6 card and pouring that soggy cereal automatically, maybe it’s time to have a talk whether or not you’re speaking the same love language. Because you don’t want to invest in diamonds if what she really wants is a shelf.

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Featured in this Post:

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Related posts:

My Three Gifts of Christmas
Joy in the Gimme Gimme Christmas Season
Bah Humbug Recovery

A Meaningful Mother’s Day–Empowering Women Together

My column will appear today at noon EST. I just have something else I want to tell you about this morning–that you can also win for Mother’s Day!

Right now I’m on tour in Southern Ontario with Girls Night Out. I’m in Dunnville tonight, and Welland tomorrow, and I’ve done two other shows already this week.

And one thing that I love about the Girls Night Out events is that they’re sponsored by World Vision, and in the middle of them I get the privilege of asking people to sponsor kids. We have so very much here in North America; I believe that God has given us the privilege to share.

While I’m home, though, my husband, mother and I are planning another trip next summer to the Mulli Children’s Family in Kenya, a children’s home we’ve visited three times before. What I love about going there is that my mother and I focus on some of the teenage girls, and preparing them to have their own businesses. We’re quite passionate about coming up with business models that will work in Kenya. People really don’t want a handout; they just want a hand up, a way to support themselves and their children (or future children).

And so when Wal-Mart asked me to help my readers know about the Empowering Women Together initiative, I said yes, because I’m so glad that even a large corporation is getting behind women-led businesses in the Third World. You can see a variety of the businesses they support at a glance on their Pinterest board, or look through their lovely Mother’s Day catalogue here:

Click to view Empowering Women Together Mother’s Day Look Book on GLOSSI.COM

I absolutely adore the pink maxi-dress from Gahaya Links in Rwanda, my pet project (I just have a thing for women in Africa). And it’s not expensive, either! I’m thinking of picking one up for my youngest daughter, who loves summer sundresses.

I often think: what would I do to support myself if I grew up on the other side of the world with little education, no capital for equipment, no job opportunities, and no plan? Forget computers; they often don’t have reliable electricity, let alone internet. Forget anything technical; many women don’t have adequate education.

What they do have is creativity and initiative, just like moms here. They want to provide a good home for their kids.

So the women got together and started creating items that would be of interest to women all over the world. And then Wal-Mart stepped in to help get them to market and enlarge their reach. In Rwanda, for instance, some women raising kids on their own got together to start a sewing business. And now they make fashionable purses and dresses and skirts that are lovely, and they’re able to provide for their families.

When people shop at the Empowering Women Together website, they can find unique gifts for Mother’s Day, baby showers, housewarming presents, or small items that actually mean something. Often we have to buy a small gift for someone, and we don’t know what to get, so we end up buying something that will just take up space in their house. Here’s a chance to buy something that’s a win-win for everyone; the gift will be unique, but you’ll also have the satisfaction of knowing that you’re helping a strong, creative woman build a life for herself and her family.

And just for Mother’s Day you can Pin it to Win it! Wal-Mart is offering a $75 gift bundle with a variety of the items available in their Empowering Women store, such as Fair Trade organic coffee, an inspirational faith/hope jewelry set, a basket set, and more. The bundle will feature items you can see here (Wal-Mart will choose what items are included in your prize).

Here’s all you have to do to win this $75 gift bundle :

1. Go to Empowering Women Together.

2. Pin an image from that site to one of your Pinterest boards.

3. Use the hashtag #pintoempower

4. Write a brief description of the item you like best.

5. Come back here and leave a comment with a link to your pin!

It’s that easy! And then I’ll randomly choose one comment to be awarded the prize. The contest is open until Tuesday, May 15 at midnight. I really hope you’ll participate, because even if you don’t win, you’ll be spreading the word about these lovely gifts that you can buy, and telling others about these things that women are creating all over the world.

This is a compensated post, but all the thoughts are my own (and I totally support women entrepreneurs in the Third World!)

No related posts.

Avoiding Disappointment This Mother’s Day

It’s our special day!

The day when we get fussed over. When someone else makes us breakfast and brings it to us on a tray (even if the cereal has gone soggy and the toast has grown cold). Someone else is worrying about what we’ll eat for lunch and dinner. Someone else will do the dishes.

We’ll get a lovely card from our husband telling us “You’re still the one who stops my heart.” We’ll get lovely handmade cards from the kids. And we’ll get some special presents to open–something that is meant just to pamper us, to say, “we love you, and we appreciate you, and we want you to relax.”

After all, it’s Mother’s Day.

Commercials tell us that we’ll get flowers, and chocolates, and pampering, and kisses.

But what if we don’t?

What if we wake up on Mother’s Day and no one is whispering at us to stay in bed so that we can await our breakfast? What if people are yelling about, “what is there to eat?”, and “where’s my other shoe?”, and “Johnny’s bugging me.”

What if there is no present? What if all that’s awaiting us is a gift card to Starbucks, if we’re lucky?

Have you ever dealt with the Mother’s Day disappointment? You try to tell yourself it won’t matter if they forget this year. You try to tell yourself, “I know they love me, even if they don’t show it well.” But deep inside you’re just tired of being taken for granted.

I understand. I’m not really a gift person, as I share in my column tomorrow, but I do want to at least be remembered. I love the homemade cards with the long testimony of how much I mean to those I love.

And I haven’t always received it. It’s not because my family doesn’t care; it’s just that they know I’m not a gift person, so they don’t always remember that it does matter. And because I’m usually the one responsible for reminding my kids to get presents (or at least I was when they were younger), when it’s something involving me my husband doesn’t always make them do it. He gets a card himself, but he doesn’t necessarily put the boot to them and make them get something.

This can be especially difficult if in your daily life you often feel like the one taken for granted–the one who does everything to care for the family, often with little thanks. On the one day we are supposed to be thanked, they can still forget.

Now maybe you have a husband who’s very sensitive to Mother’s Day protocol, and this isn’t an issue for you. But for those moms for whom Mother’s Day often brings disappointment, I want to offer some thoughts to perhaps help it to go more smoothly this time:

1. Spell Out What You Need

Seriously. Just tell them. Every year, about three days before Mother’s Day, I say to my girls, “I don’t want you to spend money on me this year. I simply want a letter–a LONG letter (at least a page and a half) talking about our relationship and your favourite memories and what you love about me.” And that’s what I get!

On the occasions when there’s something relatively small that I do actually want or need, I’ll spell that out, too. “Honey, I need some silver hoop earrings. I would love to get some silver hoop earrings for Mother’s Day.”

I also have taken to creating a Wish List on Amazon of books that I’d like, and keeping a file that our family shares of gift ideas that I would like. You can create such a file and keep it in your family’s “Cloud”, or keep it in Google Docs and share it with everyone. Then they can upload gift ideas, too!

2. Don’t Expect Them to Read Your Mind

I can already hear the complaints about #1. “But they should just KNOW what I need.” “They should love me enough to do it for me without having to be told.” “They shouldn’t mind having to think of a nice gift.”

But are those expectations realistic and fair?

I’m sure if you were to ask your children what is absolutely most important to them that you do, you may find areas where you have disappointed them, because you don’t value something that they do. My youngest daughter takes skating lessons for fun, and she likes me to come and watch. But she takes them right over the hour when I need to be getting dinner ready, so I don’t go often. I watch her so much at the other competitive things she does, and I’m with her all day (we homeschool), so to me it doesn’t seem like a big deal to take off for an hour and a half and get dinner while she skates. But that matters to her.

My husband likes it if I take Saturday mornings and go for a walk or go bird watching with him. That really matters to him. But sometimes on Saturdays I make other plans because that’s the only day I have to do certain things. And I know that I disappoint him, but I figure he should understand how important my other plans are, too.

We disappoint people. It is not just that your family can disappoint you; you likely disappoint your family as well. That’s not meant to make you feel guilty; it’s just that you are all different people, and so different things matter to you. That’s what it means to be an individual! And expecting them to read your mind and to value things to the same extent you do is not fair.

If you really, really want a specific thing this year, tell them. It may seem less romantic, but it’s also leaving far less room for disappointment!

3. Be Grateful for What You Have

Seriously. If you’re a mom, rejoice. You have the incredible privilege of having people who are intricately linked to you–who will love you forever. That is a beautiful thing. Will they always do the right thing? Nope. Will your husband always do the right thing? Nope. But why not practice gratitude and just have fun with them this Sunday, even if you all have to pitch in and make dinner together.

4. Practice Fostering More Respect

Finally, here’s an important one. Sometimes Mother’s Day takes on a huge significance because the rest of the year is definitely NOT Mother’s Day. Every other day of the year you do everything for everyone else. You put your own dreams and goals on hold so that you can chauffeur your son to hockey. You spend every waking moment catering to your kids so that their lives are smooth, and full of all the wonderful things and activities you only dreamed of when you were growing up.

And no one says thank you, because you’ve taught them that this is normal. You’ve taught them that mothers are supposed to have no life outside of their kids; that mothers are supposed to clean up after them. You’ve reinforced the fact that you will be there to tidy their messes and pick up behind them.

I know not every mom does this, but an amazing number do. And ladies, if you have done this, I know  you did it out of love. I know you sacrificed your own time and hobbies so that your kids could have the best. But here’s the thing: they didn’t ask you to. You did it on your own.

And now you want them to recognize it, even though you’ve raised them to think this is natural.

If you’re frustrated with your life, and feeling taken for granted, Mother’s Day can’t make up for that. Perhaps we’re putting too much on what little day. Perhaps what we really need to do is to take a good look at our lives and ask ourselves, “am I raising kids who are respectful and grateful and helpful and compassionate? Or am I raising kids who expect others to do things for them?”

I know that’s a hard question, but it’s one really worth asking. Maybe this year, Mother’s Day can be your trigger to change the way you do life so that you aren’t always exhausted. It really is okay to say no to your kids. It really is okay to carve out time in your schedule for yourself. It really is okay to teach your kids to do chores so that you aren’t the only one cleaning up.

Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate moms–so celebrate! Celebrate the fact that you’re a mom. Celebrate your family. Let this be a day that you re-evaluate and you make sure that you’re the kind of mom YOU want to be. And don’t expect other people to read your mind. Maybe if we did that, we wouldn’t be in for so much disappointment on Sunday morning.

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!

No related posts.

Wifey Wednesday: When Your Past Hurts Impact Your Marital Battles

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! And you can all link up your own marriage posts in the linky below!

Today’s Wifey Wednesday is brought to you by Alexandra Kuykendall, author of The Artist’s Daughter: A Memoir, where she tells her story of recovery from the abandonment by her father. Did you bring baggage into your marriage that made it hard to trust your husband? Alexandra understands!

I looked down at the table, the wood farm table that Derek had refinished in our garage, the one where he ate dinner with his parents and sisters when he was a boy and then a teenager, growing into the man I would later marry. Now I faced him as he was sitting next to me and my legs straddled the table-length bench and the hated thick tension that happened when we were fighting was present between us. Why couldn’t I say what I wanted? Spit out the words and opinions that were there? Why was I so afraid of making him angry? Derek is not an exploder, I knew I wasn’t afraid of his reaction that way and yet I could tell there was resistance because I didn’t want to upset him.

I let myself hear the tiny whisper from the back of my brain. It had been a while since I’d heard it. I pushed against it, but on that day I couldn’t ignore the why behind the fears, I was afraid he would leave. Really? Get up and walk out on me and the girls? No. But I have been wired from birth to think a man would leave, wouldn’t think I was worth sticking around for. It is the heritage I brought to my marriage. And so that internal tension is present whenever real tension starts to flare and I have to fight against it because I know it’s not based on truth.

The early years of marriage were like hurdling boulders. I had to get around those expectations, and hurts and hopes for what a husband would fulfill. I had to realize God was the only healer, that my imperfect, human husband couldn’t fix the hurts created by another imperfect, human man, my father. They were both men, yes, but one was not intended to replace the other.

And the boulders have shrunk to now bumps in my path. I still have to see them, step over them lest I trip on them. Those insecurities that are buried so far down I forget they are there until they poke up causing me to stumble and redirect my footing. Like that day only a few years ago on the bench when I recognized that hurt was causing me to doubt a man who had been nothing but faithful to me.

How I’ve fought the internal lies that tell me my husband will repeat the patterns of my father:

I recognize my wiring. I know based on my childhood experiences that I have to fight against certain messages. This helps me recognize what is really going on when the insecurities appear.
I focus on what I know to be true. That my husband is a faithful man. That he is not the same person as my father. That he has NEVER indicated he will leave me. That he deserves to be believed when he tells me he loves me.
I pray. For God to ease my fears. To live from a place of trust. For the Holy Spirit to guide my inner thoughts and bring light to what is true.
I act out of trust. In who God is. In who my husband is. And move forward.

Alexandra Kuykendall spends her days wiping tears, bottoms and countertops and working for MOPS International (Mothers of Preschoolers). She and her husband Derek parent their four girls, ages 10 to 1, in Denver, CO. Her debut book, The Artist’s Daughter – A Memoir, was just released by Revell Books. You can connect with her in the following places:

AlexandraKuykendall.com
Facebook: AlexandraKuykendall.author
Twitter: @alex_kuykendall
Pinterest: alexkuy

Alexandra is giving away two copies of her book, The Artist’s Daughter! Just enter the Rafflectoper giveaway below before next Tuesday

to win!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post you’ve written in the linky below! And be sure to link back here on your blog, too, so that other people can read all these great entries!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Beautifully Imperfect
More Thoughts on Forgiving Your Father
Wifey Wednesday: Beautifully Imperfect

May Giveaway Palooza

Every month I  like to host a giveaway of three fun products that I know women will love! And I like to help out small businesses, too. (To find out how you can be involved in future giveaways, read the details here.)

Mother’s Day is this Sunday, and so I’m going to pick my winners on Sunday so that it can be part of your Mother’s Day gift! We’ve got a prize to help you accessorize, a prize to help you feel confident, and a prize to help you build happier and healthier families.

Family Time Fitness Program

Does your family spend most of its time on the couch? Do you say to yourself on a daily basis, “we really should get more active”, but you have no idea where to start?

Family Time Fitness will help jumpstart your family to getting in shape! They have multiple programs that target different skills or goals. Two complete fitness programs are available–beginners and advanced. These have over 200 workout plans, organized by age, so both kids and adults can workout together. It has suggested physical games to help you move. And you can download the programs either onto your computer or your phone/tablet to make it easier to see the programs when you’re exercising.

They also have programs targeting specific skills. I so want to take their strength training program. Designed for teens 12-18 to do (with adults joining them, preferably), the program tells you in detail what to do everyday, with workout plans that build as your strength does. They don’t require fancy equipment or a lot of room; you can do most of the exercises in a small living room. And you’ll start to see results soon!

They also have a 5 km running plan, meant to help those who want to build up to being able to jog 5 km. Even if you don’t do anything right now, within ten weeks using their program you’ll be able to run the 5 km relatively easily.

The programs assume that you have very little fitness training when you begin, so it’s not as if they’re meant for sports stars or for athletes. They’re meant for regular, everyday families who have let fitness fall by the wayside, but who want to get back into shape. They even have special programs and special modules for kids with special needs.

Family Time Fitness is giving away three $25 certificates towards any of their programs–and many of their programs cost less than that! You can check them all out here.

Honestly, all families need more time to spend together. We’re all so busy. And I think doing a fitness plan as a family will reap far better benefits than putting kids in a ton of sports activities where you’re forever driving them everywhere, making everyone exhausted, and never having any time to spend all together.

Fitness needs to be a life long endeavour, and here’s a great way to start your kids on it–while still bonding as a family. So do consider Family Time Fitness. You’ll see great results, not just in your fitness level, but also in your family!

ItWorks! Ultimate Body Wrap

Consultant Casey Hargrove says, “It’s The Ultimate Body Applicator to get your SEXY back!”

This body-slimming applicator is infused with an all-natural botanical formula that is absorbed through the skin, and by a special, unique process, breaks down fat cells and pulls the toxins out of our cells. It is designed to detoxify our body and tighten, firm, and tone our skin. Also works as an anti-inflammatory and improves cellulite, stretch marks, and over-all skin appearance. The applicator is worn for a minimum of 45 minutes and actually continues to process for 72 hours after it is removed. Everybody’s skin processes differently. Some medications store in your cells for a long time and it may take longer to process. This is a healthy cleanse for your body. You are actually feeding your body something healthy!

BEWARE: Side effects may include INSTANT INCH LOSS! You can put the applicator on any part of your body to spot reduce and see immediate lasting results.

Get your own MyItWorks wrap here!

Charm Bracelet from Jewlr.com

Jewlr.com is offering such an amazing prize: a beautiful silver bracelet (value $39), along with a charm valued up to $90, to one lucky reader.

Personalized Charms

Charms make the perfect gift for mom. Personalize your charm with a birthstones and engravings.

You choose the bracelet style and the charms design, and then customize it with your choice of metal, stones and engraving. In the end, you create a unique piece of jewelry, perfect for your taste and budget. You even get to see an instant preview of your jewelry order. All items are proudly made in North America with fair-trade stones and metals.

Jewlr.com’s bracelets include removable end caps and two stopper beads each, a very practical way for you to put your charms on it and organize them in any order you want.

If you already have a charm bracelet, don’t worry about it! Jewlr charms are designed to fit perfectly in all standard charm bracelets in the market. Choose the bow charms you love. Make your charm in sterling silver or gold, select the birthstones or Swarovski Zirconia colors you want and add a personal message as your engraving.

Why Choose Jewlr

Easy risk-free shopping experience, lowest price guarantee, fast and free shipping

We are able to deliver on these desirables by creating a unique store built on the latest technology and innovative manufacturing. We can guarantee that our prices are the lowest because we do not have the overhead of a brick and mortar retail store. Our innovative order management process ensures that we do not have to warehouse or hold costly inventory. Our customer service department uses advanced messaging and live communication tools to ensure that we are able to respond to our customers as soon as practical.

Included with Every Order

FREE shipping to almost all locations in the USA, Canada, United Kingdom and Australia.
FREE resizing on almost all of our rings.
FREE gift with every item purchased.
Certificate of Authenticity, Packaged for gifting, Jewlr Ring Box, Jewelry Care Tips
Easy, no-hassle, 99 day return policy on all items, including those with engravings.
One year warranty on all our items.
Customer service team readily available via chat, email or phone to help with jewelry advice, technical support and any others questions.

This is such a wonderful prize! I know every mom would enjoy it. Start your own personalized charm bracelet here!

So there you go–three awesome prizes to help make your Mother’s Day even more exciting. Just enter using Rafflecopter below. (Remember: you get extra “entries” if you like the Facebook Pages!). I’ll draw the winners on Sunday, and announce them on my Facebook Page!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Related posts:

Review & Giveaway: Accessories Palooza!
April Giveaway Palooza
Where Do You Go When You Need Help? With a Shannon Ethridge Giveaway!