Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 238

What’s Your Love Story? And Trusting God and Technology!

I know many of my readers are enjoying a lovely Memorial Day weekend! I hope you have a lovely time with your families.

Long weekends are often time for reading, and many of us love a good story. So I thought I’d ask today: What’s your love story?

And I have one to share! A while back I wrote a blog post on finding a spouse through internet dating. I was a skeptic five years ago; I’m not anymore.

After that post, I received this awesome love story via email from Christina, and I thought you all may enjoy reading it.

Internet dating (or dating at all) is not for everyone. And it was an option that I avoided for the same reasons you mentioned [in your blog post]. I didn’t want to seem desperate (because I wasn’t) or run into desperate guys (I seemed to find enough of those without help). To be honest, I don’t know of anyone who says, “My dream is to meet and marry a guy who I find online.”

As a single person, I was very happy. I usually had stages of discontentment which I just had to ride out – but most of the time I was happy. I wanted very much to get married, but I reached the point several years ago where I put it in God’s hands and trusted Him with it. I still prayed earnestly that He would bring me a man, but I wasn’t about to sit around and wait for a husband to fall into my lap. I made plans instead, and travelled, and did things. But I am already rambling.

During the summer of 2011 I found a few other single people who enjoyed being single and just for fun we made a club for ourselves. It was all a joke, but we actually DID have some good conversations about the benefits of being unmarried.

One day, on a whim, two other single friends and I drove to San Francisco and spent the whole day running around and being glad we were single. I remembered partway through the day that I was supposed to meet up with my brother (Isaac) and his girlfriend (Beth) at the mid-state fair… so I felt kind of bad about standing them up. But I had such a great time in SF with my friends that I got over it pretty quickly, and arranged to see Isaac and Beth another time.

I was a little confused as to why Beth gave me such a hard time for missing our appointment… but as it turns out (this was discovered many months later), Beth had intended to ‘inconspicuously introduce’ me to one of her guy friends that day, in the hope that my single life would be over.

After summer ended, I moved back to my small hometown of Mariposa and tried to find a job. I was broke from my six months of world-travelling the year before, and the camp I had worked at all summer was through CEF and was all volunteer and no pay.

I was living with my parents again after being on my own for four years, but I loved being back home. However, I finally admitted to them that I was tired of being single. I was restless. Beth and Isaac kept encouraging me to try online dating and quit my single life (because that’s how they met), but I strongly resisted them – for a while.

Then one day, a couple days before Thanksgiving, I decided to set up a profile on eHarmony. I knew I would probably get kicked out of my singles club if anyone ever found out, but I was very curious how the site worked and promised myself that I wouldn’t actually sign-up and pay money. I didn’t put my real name or location, as I had safety concerns about sharing personal information (and I come from a small town!). Also, I didn’t want a boy from my area. So I called myself by my middle name, Joy.

Well, one thing led to another and, after reviewing loads of matches, I thought to myself, “Wow, I can see why this site seems to work! These people all seem like decent, God-loving individuals. But I still had my reservations, oh wait…. hey… someone sent me a message!”

I was curious, however I couldn’t find out any more until I signed up. I closed my computer and went and did the dishes and thought about all the reasons not to join. I was happy being single. I wanted to trust God with my singleness. Curiosity overwhelmed me so I went back to my computer; then promptly gave in and signed up to be a real member! For the next two days, my conscience plagued me. I hadn’t prayed about it at all. So I kept it a secret.

I prayed a lot about it, because I was really, truly sorry that I had signed up (at the same time, I was enjoying messaging all these solid Christian guys!) – but I clearly understood God’s answer to be, “Christy, I can use eHarmony, too.” My understanding of that reassurance was that perhaps through sharing God’s work in my life, I could encourage a Christian brother out there.

Thanksgiving came and went. On the day, Isaac and Beth visited and all had a wonderful time. Beth brought her lap harp and I try it. I loved it. But I didn’t breathe a word to them about my online dating. I was still too embarrassed.

The next day, as I browsed through my matches, I saw that a certain Bobby from San Jose knew of Josh Garrels. Josh Garrels is a slightly obscure musician I had discovered the month before and quickly grew to enjoy. This is why I was astounded that Bobby was familiar with his music. So I sent him a quick message expressing my surprise and delight at his musical taste. Then I noticed that Bobby had apparently not logged in for three weeks, so I figured he had found a girlfriend. But I send off the message anyway, because I still thought it was cool about our common interest. Then I forgot about it until the next day. Bobby, however, didn’t. He responded 23 minutes later – but by that time I was asleep in bed!

Now I was right – Bobby never really logged on anymore. He had signed up for the year-long deal in the beginning “because, you know, it’s the best deal they have”. In fact, he was pretty much over it, and had given up on finding anyone from his area (San Jose). He was now mainly getting matched with girls from Utah. It was purely the fact that I stated ‘San Jose’ as my hometown that caused him to respond. Then he was really glad he did because, as chance would have it, he and I had identical taste in music.

After messaging back and forth for a couple days, we discovered some cool little facts about each other. I immediately shared the truth about ‘Joy’ being my middle name, and Mariposa being my real location, and we both shared about our interests in musical instruments. Bobby talked about his A Cappella group where he sang bass. I have always preferred deep voices. It completely slipped my mind that Isaac and Beth were also in an A Cappella group in San Jose as well – which would have been great to mention, as it was just one more thing in common. But I did mention that my brother and his girlfriend had visited for Thanksgiving and that I had tried my brother’s girlfriend’s lap harp. “It might be my next instrument,” I told Bobby. Around this time, Bobby texted his good friend, Beth Drew, and their conversation was this:

Bobby: Shoot. I just got matched with an amazing girl online… like seriously perfect. And I was ignoring the site but she contacted me!

Beth: Then say hi to her! Online dating rocks!!! Hey, I didn’t even know you were on there…forget to tell me?

Bobby: Ha ha! I figured you’d get angry at me because I give you such a hard time, but yeah, we’ve been talking for a few days now. She’s from Mariposa.

Beth: LOL! You’re kidding! I just spent Thanksgiving in Mariposa! What are the odds of that? Isaac wants to know her name. He probably knows her, lol.”

Beth: It’s not his sister Christy, is it?

Bobby: Her middle name is Joy…that’s all I know.

Beth: Lol!

Bobby: Um, wait…

Bobby: I thought she looked like Christy (Bobby had noticed a resemblance, but never followed up on that notion).

Bobby: Do you have a lap harp?

Beth: Yes, I brought my lap harp to Thanksgiving…

Bobby: OMG! It is her! I just saw her Facebook picture on Isaac’s page.

Beth: OMG!!!

Bobby: Holy. Crap.

Beth: Bobby – this is hilarious! You’ve been on my case since day one to introduce you to her – now I’m off the hook!

So, I got a phone call that evening from Beth and Isaac – which I fully expected to be an engagement announcement. Then I spent an hour blushing and laughing at being found out. My first thought was, of course, “Oh no! I was matched with Isaac!” (Isaac had signed up for a year, initially, so his account was still active and I didn’t realize you could stop getting matched. I figured he must’ve gotten on to look at some old messages from Beth and perhaps seen my profile.)

But when I asked how they knew, Isaac said, “You’re talking with one of Beth’s friends!” I took the opportunity to drill Beth about Bobby, and was extremely pleased at Beth’s comments. Bobby just happened to be the same friend that Beth had tried to set me up with at the mid-state fair. And the A Cappella group that Bobby sang in happened to be the same one that Isaac and Beth sang in as well.

After this, the two of us started seriously emailing because the ‘coincidence’ was just too awesome to ignore. The more I discovered about Bobby, the more impressed I was. I prayed a lot about it and had peace and true excitement. After a few days, I visited my dear sister (the one with whom I share everything – and the same one who shared your blog with me) and her husband in San Jose. I made sure to let Bobby know I’d be in town, and he lost no time in asking me out to coffee (which was, of course, my hope). The date was lovely. Neither of us had any reservations about going ahead with the relationship. For years I had prayed that God would bring me a good man, and my first thought as I stepped into my car and drove away from that first date was, “Wow – what a good man.”

Bobby and I got engaged in October 2012 and were married this spring. My conclusion: I didn’t join eHarmony out of trust in God – in fact I would have said that it was a lack of trust in God. But He used it for good to show me in an obvious way that HE had a man for me. If I had honoured the meet-up in SF, I could have saved the money and just met Bobby at the mid-state fair, but God worked it out anyway, and I am glad He did .

Of course, our relationship was sparked by common interests, but it has grown and been rooted in the foundation of Christ. I revel each day in the richness of my relationship with Jesus Christ, and with this man, Bobby, who shows me Christ’s love on a daily basis.

Thanks, Christina, for sharing your story!

I loved it! And now, readers, I’d like to hear from you: What’s your love story?

Related posts:

Christian Internet Dating–It Works!
Wifey Wednesday: 10 Not-So-Helpful Things To Do for Your Spouse
Link-Tastic Marriage Help Around the Web

Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Wants Something in Bed I Think is Gross

Every week I try to answer a Reader Question. I’ll give my own thoughts, and then you all can comment, too!

Here’s a really common question I get:

My husband wants something in the bedroom that I think is just gross. (editor’s note: she spelled out what it is; I want to leave this vague so that my answer applies to more people’s situations! So if you’re struggling with this, insert your own idea here). Do I have to do it?

Great question!

My quick answer would be, “No.” Sex is supposed to be mutual. It isn’t supposed to be selfish. But that being said, here are just a few thoughts to help you figure this out in your particular situation:

1. Dare Yourself to Make What You Do Enjoy Awesome

It’s honestly okay to say no to some things in the bedroom. Vaginal intercourse–no, you can’t say not to that. That’s the height of intimacy. But other things? Absolutely. No one has to do everything.

But if you do say no, I just dare you to make the things you are comfortable with awesome for your husband! Really throw yourself into it. Dedicate yourself to having a fulfilling sex life–which means getting yourself in the right frame of mind so you can enjoy it, too. If you’re really struggling with this, pick up the 31 Days to Great Sex. It’s only $5. And seriously, it will help. This is what it was written for!

2. Ask Yourself, “Is it Sinful?”

If your husband wants something you don’t, ask yourself, “is it sinful?” Now be careful here, because we often assume that because we don’t like something it must be sinful. But I don’t think the Bible calls very many things sinful in marriage. Anything involving a third party (porn, affairs, fantasizing about a football team): sinful. Enjoying each other’s bodies: nope. (now I think there are things which are definitely a bad idea that don’t involve a third party; but I’m still not sure they’re sinful. I think they’re more in the “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” category).

Why is this important to determine? Because sometimes we’re quick to label things sinful and then we cut things out of the bedroom entirely. And we also start to think of our husbands as perverts. It honestly is okay to say “no”. But just be honest and if it ISN’T sinful, realize that you’re saying no because you don’t find it appealing, not because he’s a pervert. That’s an important distinction!

And sometimes by realizing it isn’t sinful (if it’s something that isn’t), it does help us stretch ourselves a bit. And for many couples, that can be a good thing!

3. Be Careful of Porn’s Influence

Maybe the answer to “is it sinful” honestly is yes, though. Then what?

Then you just need to talk about this. And I think it’s a really good idea to ensure that he’s not using porn. Porn fuels the desire for things that are sinful, and lessens the appeal of being truly intimate. If your husband is using porn, start here and read on about what to do about it.

4. Be Careful of Substituting Other Things for Intercourse

One thing I’ve found with couples who explore a little more is that sometimes that thing that one of you wants to do starts taking over. Let’s say he enjoys something else more than he does intercourse, and he starts asking for that. In fact, he’d prefer it. This is really dangerous.

I’m all for play! I think play is great–hence the term foreplay. But it is FOREplay. It shouldn’t be the whole thing.

That doesn’t mean it can NEVER be the whole thing, but if another sexual act becomes your regular sexual encounter, rather than vaginal intercourse, there’s a real danger and a problem. Now sometimes, when health concerns arise, that’s necessary, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But intercourse was designed to unite us spiritually as well as physically; we’re supposed to be feel one. Sex isn’t supposed to be about getting the greatest orgasm; it’s supposed to be about feeling close. Now, when we feel close the physical ALSO tends to feel better. But our pornographic culture has really infiltrated the bedroom so much that we almost use each other more than we make love to each other. I don’t think that’s a good dynamic.

So if you want to explore, that’s great! But make it about play, not about replacing intimacy.

5. Have His Nights/Her Nights

If there’s something he likes that you’re willing to do, but you really don’t like it, consider once a month having his nights/her nights. Once a month you’ll make love totally for him, and once a month for her. And then the other times you’ll just do it as you prefer to together.

That way he doesn’t feel deprived, but you both get what you want. Maybe your night starts with a long back massage. That’s totally fair!

If, of course, you absolutely CAN’T do it, see #1. That’s totally fine. But if you just dislike it, here’s another way to handle it.

6. Open Up to Him Yourself

The hardest thing for many women is telling their husbands what they’d like in the bedroom. Sometimes it’s because we just don’t know. Sometimes it’s because we’re shy. Sometimes we’re ashamed.

And so we clam up, and we don’t tell him what feels good, or what we like, or what gets our engines going. And so then the only way he has of spicing things up is going with his own fantasies.

But what often really arouses a man is understanding what arouses his wife. If you can become more in touch with yourself, and more open with him, you might find that this “thing” he wants diminishes in importance because he feels closer to you and you are being more exciting in the bedroom. Again, that’s what the 31 Days to Great Sex is for. It gets you talking about this stuff! But I’d really urge you to try and open up. You really do feel incredibly close when you do that, and that’s part of what makes sex so intimate!

So there you go. Six points to hopefully provide some balance to this issue, from very different points of view. I hope you can glean something from that that’s helpful! And now you all can comment.

By the way, it’s my birthday today! I’m heading out with hubby tonight overnight, and we’re going to do some major nature walks/bird watching tonight and tomorrow. If you want to give me a birthday present, can you like my Facebook Page (if you don’t already?) I’d love to get to 10,000 fans today! And tell your friends about it, too!

Deal of the Day

Looking for something AWESOME for Father’s Day?

JUST UNTIL TOMORROW, when shoppers spend $100 on Carhartt workwear at WorkingPerson.com, WorkingPerson will mail Dad the Ultimate Dad’s Day Gift Box, which includes a Carhartt Knife; Carhartt Hat; Bass Membership; Carhartt Lure; and a Stanley Gift Card, and which is valued in total at over $75! Plus, WorkingPerson offers FREE SHIPPING on orders over $49 every day!

Get your Father’s Day $75 extras here.

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Are We Captivating our Husbands or Competing for Them?
Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
Reader Question of the Week: How Do I Prevent My Teenage Sons from Using Porn?

Evil Knows No Social Class

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan.  This week, I want to talk about evil, where it is found and what to do with it.

This week’s column deals with a horrible murder that took place in Ontario, the province where I live, just a few weeks ago. Tim Bosma went missing from his Ancaster home right when I was in the middle of a speaking tour in that neck of the woods, so I saw his posters everywhere, and just really feel strongly about this case.

Tim advertised his truck on kijiji; two guys came by to see it, and he took them out for a test drive. He was never seen again. Millard was arrested a week later, and Tim’s remains were found on Millard’s property.

Tim was a strong Christian (well, he still is, as now he is face to face with his Saviour). He and his wife Sharlene and their 2-year-old daughter attended the Ancaster Christian Reformed Church, which has come alongside them wonderfully. I just ask that you keep that family in your prayers. How absolutely awful to have your husband killed like that.

Ancaster resident Sharlene Bosma spent Mother’s Day in agony, wondering about the fate of her husband Tim. After taking two guys out to test drive a truck he was selling, he was never seen by his family again. His body has now been found.

Police charged aviation heir Dellen Millard. Bosma’s truck had been located at his mother’s house. He had been identified as having been with Bosma. Yet when he was taken into custody, his lawyer, Deepak Paradkar, expressed incredulity that the police would zero in on his client. According to the CBC, Paradkar said, “He’s a very unassuming, humble person. He’s intelligent, well-educated and financially well off, so there’s no motive here.” He went on to note that Millard had attended the Toronto French School. How could someone who attended an elite private school be suspected of doing such a thing?

Forgive me for feeling a little sick to my stomach at that statement. Evil knows no social class. I do not know whether Millard is guilty or not; but I find this “why would a wealthy person do this?” statement offensive in the extreme. Are we supposed to believe that rich=good and poor=bad?

A few years ago I read a brilliant book by psychiatrist M. Scott Peck of The Road Less Traveled fame. In People of the Lie, he wrote about the most frustrating part of his practice: coming face to face with evil. And evil people, he thinks, can’t be cured, short of a major spiritual intervention. What they need is a priest, not a doctor.

Over and over again Scott Peck saw in his office people whose state of mind couldn’t be explained by their upbringing, or by psychiatric theory, or by conditioning. He saw people who chose to lie when the truth wouldn’t have harmed them. He saw people who cared nothing of those around them, while still giving the impression that their love could not be questioned. He saw people who would lie to your face, but when accused of it would question your sanity. These people were dedicated to deception for one reason: to deflect any responsibility for their own moral choices.

It’s not the fact that evil people do wrong that is so terrible, says Peck. All of us do wrong. But, Peck says, “the central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it.” It’s narcissism to the nth degree.

And these people are everywhere. They’re doctors, and lawyers, and executives. They’re married. They look outwardly normal, but they cause chaos wherever they go. Many of us have experienced this in our families or at our workplaces. There’s someone we could never quite get along with, but every time we question them they turn it around so that we’re the ones with the problem. They can’t be pinned down. They’re slippery. They’re slimy. And they’re scary.

Peck ended his investigation weary and disheartened. Psychiatry does not have the answers for evil people. They can’t be “cured”, except perhaps by an exorcist. Therefore, it’s time to call a spade a spade and not muddy it up with diagnoses making it sound as if these people aren’t culpable.

So, Mr. Paradkar, I don’t know if your client is guilty, but I do know that rich people can cause havoc just as much as poor people can. And until we admit that evil has no bounds and no excuse, we’ll be living a lie as much as they are. Instead of lies, let’s tell the truth: Evil exists. Evil can be anywhere. And evil needs to be resisted, not excused.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Deal of the Day

Springtime is here and for many that means time for spring-cleaning!

Do you have an old smartphone, or Apple product lying around? Have you come across a broken tablet, iPad, Macbook or iPhone while cleaning around the house? You could earn some extra cash and do some good for the environment by selling your item to Gazelle! Gazelle offers a fast and easy way for consumers to get cash for their used electronics like iPhones, iPads, Macbooks Samsung Galaxy devices, tablets and other smartphones. More than 500,000 consumers have used Gazelle to sell nearly one million gadgets.

Visit Gazelle today, and see what your items are worth!

This post contains affiliate links.

Related posts:

Fish Don’t Have Fingernails
The Root of Too Much Evil
Herod Was Not a Hero. Was He?

What I’m Reading in May

Welcome readers from Crosswalk.com! A great place to start to find all my marriage thoughts is at my Marriage FAQ! Feel free to look around a bit.



It’s time for the April installment of “What I’m Reading”. I get so many requests to review books, and I can’t get through them all. But I wanted to give up and coming authors a chance to get in front of my audience. So once a month I’ll be letting you know about three books by new authors that I think may interest you. I try to choose books that focus on marriage, parenting, or Christian women’s themes. You can be featured in the future, too!

31 Days to Lovely: A Journey of Forgiveness

Sarah Valente knows a lot about forgiveness. A single mother of two sets of twins and one singleton, she has seen two marriages fall apart because her husbands have succumbed to the lure of sexual addiction. And while she prays for full reconciliation, she has walked a journey of forgiveness that she wants to invite others to.

Sarah holds that most of what we believe about forgiveness isn’t true. She asks,

May I boldly suggest to you that time heals nothing? Healing does not have to take time nor does time itself promise healing.

And then she invites us to join her through her 31 Day process of study, prayer, and journalling that will help you not just forgive the one person who has been haunting you, but help you begin a whole new way of approaching the world.

It’s a beautiful book.

In her depths of despair, when she struggled with incredulity that yet another husband could succumb to this, she said, “I simply knew that forgiveness trumped bitterness and brought about a peace that I desperately needed.”

This book is very rooted in Scripture, and it’s beautifully written. It’s clear. And it promises hope. She talks about the difficult issues: how to confront someone (rebuke, repent, receive forgiveness). How and when to reconcile. How to have righteous anger, and not self-righteous anger. And she admits that she does not have it all figured out–that she is on a journey, too.

One of the things I most appreciated was her emphasis that we are all in a battle, and in this battle, we need to make sure we’re fighting the right enemy. When our spouses hurt us, it’s so easy to get caught up in all the things they do wrong. “Why can’t he just be a man? Why can’t he just stop? Why can’t he put the family first, like I do?” Yet Sarah shows us that the real enemy is just our fallen nature; we are tempted towards evil, and it’s only natural that we follow it. So let’s get mad at the person doing the tempting (the devil). It’s okay to hate him; it’s not okay to hate our spouse.

Another question she asked which God has greatly convicted me of lately is “Do you trust God to defend you?” When you are wronged, do you rush in to defend yourself, weapons held high (Sheila says: You betcha!). And yet so often that backfires. So often if we just sit back, draw appropriate but calm boundaries, and remain at peace, God goes to battle for us and turns the situation around. When we rush in to try to prove our innocence, we often make everything worse.

Sarah didn’t really delve into her own journey that much, except in passing. I admit to wishing she would spill more details about how her marriage fell apart, but I believe she made the right choice by leaving so much out, and leaving us to read between the lines, because in that way she was honoring those in her life. So do not think you will read this book to learn all her dirty secrets. She tells just enough so that you can be assured that she knows what she is talking about, and then shares other people’s stories as illustrations as well.

I thought this was a great Bible study to work through. Sarah includes lots of places for journalling, and for prayer. My assistant, Holly, who takes 10 minutes to preview everything I review, said, “I would read this cover to cover if I had time!”.

I know many of you are walking through difficult marriages. He’s using porn. He’s not spending time with the kids. He’s disappointing you in so many ways, and your heart is broken. I think this book would be so useful as you figure out how to approach your husband and how to see the situation with God’s eyes. I highly recommend 31 Days to Lovely.

The Irresistible Husband

While Sarah Valente’s book deals with broken relationships, Jason Gratehouse, a pastor, has written a wonderful little book to help men turn their marriages around and heal relationships. If more people read this book, there’d be a lot less need for forgiveness!

Gratehouse’s book is meant for men. He’s walking men through the process of being an irresistible husband.  And at the beginning of The Irresistible Husband, he asks that basic question, What makes someone irresistible?

What makes one irresistible is simply the way they make you feel about yourself. We love people who make us feel special.

And, he says, if 85% of our happiness is directly attributable to our relationships, then it’s worth putting in effort there.

The key to change, to raising the quality of your relationships, is found in you. This isn’t about changing your wife, we all know that’s virtually impossible. This is about changing you.

That’s a theme I touch on lots on this blog, and it pertains as much to women as it does to men. We can’t expect change in our relationships until we’re first willing to change ourselves.

And how should men change themselves? Gratehouse walks through twelve basic principles on how to treat your wife, and then four on how to restore passion. None of the twelve is earth-shattering; they’re all basic. And yet they’re all too often neglected. So Gratehouse puts a new spin on simple things, like “just Be kind to her!” and shows men how you can live that out.  He gives lots of practical tips, and lots of Scriptural backing for everything he says. I love how he weaves in Old Testament stories to teach basic principles and bring them to life.

One of the aspects I loved the most was chivalry. And I laughed when I saw him using the same aanalogy I did when I wrote about it–the movie Kate and Leopold. Women want to be treated as women. We want to be honoured for being women. And he lists 12 rules for chivalry, in case we’ve forgotten them (and I had forgotten some of them!). Honestly, a man who did these things would be irresistible. I think that’s one of the reasons I find my husband so irresistible–he is chivalrous.

Here’s another basic but often overlooked key to irresistibility: Communicate with her. Women need to speak 20,000 words a day; men 7,000. The answer to being a good husband, though, is not ONLY in letting her speak (though that is important). It’s also in sharing your heart. She wants to feel connected, and while being heard is a big part of that, it’s only half the equation. If you want to be an irresistible husband, you have to learn to actually speak.

From the practical–help lighten her load–to the more spiritual–to having integrity, he covers all the things a wife would like. And they’re not the things you would necessarily expect. They’re not things like, “earn a good living”, or “maintain a six pack”. They’re the basic things that speak to a woman’s heart.

I especially loved his chapter on investing in your wife. He says that God has given your wife gifts, too, and you are to nourish her. That means helping her reach her fullest potential in her gifts, just as you try to reach your fullest potential. I wish more couples got that–that marriage is not a competition to see who can do the best, but is a partnership where you spur each other on and bring out the best in each other.

Of course, any marriage book has to spend some time talking about sex, and I have to admit, Gratehouse gets sex! When a wife loses sexual interest, it’s often because the husband has stopped pursuing her. He says, “I am responsible to set the tone for this environment in my marriage.” That’s the way we are designed; he is the initiator, and she the responder (this does not mean women should never initiate; just that our drives are really wired that way. Women want to be pursued!).

One thing I’d say about these twelve principles: They need to be read, and practiced, one at a time. You can’t read a book like this in one sitting and think it will change your marriage. Read each short chapter, and then take a week and put the principle into practice (because it will take practice). Practice being kind. Then practice speaking good words over her. Then practice pursing her.

He ends with four chapters on how to restore passion, because really, that’s the central issue for so many people. Why do we gravitate to marriage books, he asks? Because we’ve lost something.

How do you get it back? You remember–actively. What you had once can be had again. You don’t look just at the present; you see what is also past, and you learn from it. You see your wife through that lens.

And remembering is a mental discipline, as are the next steps in restoring passion. You learn to think differently. You turn away from unhelpful attitudes. You control your thoughts (and he gets very practical here telling men to be careful with computers). And you keep doing what works. Gratehouse writes,

The biggest reason why we stopped feeling that passion for our wife is because we stopped doing those little things that created the passion in the beginning. As men, we are infamous for having the mentality of conquerors. Once we have conquered and won our prize, we relax our efforts. We lessen the pursuit. We stop chasing. When we stopped pursuing, we stopped feeling. But the good news is that what got us there once will get us there again.

I love his emphasis on passion, because that’s the root of a successful marriage. Our God is a passionate God, and marriage is supposed to reflect what He feels for us. When I read the comments on this blog, day after day, it seems so often that it is passion that is missing. So many are walking through life just tolerating. And it’s not good.

The Irresistible Husband is written for men to read and live out. And any man who does so WILL be irresistible; I guarantee it. Rooted in Scripture and showing principles from God’s Word, Gratehouse shows the simple things that it takes to be irresistible. So for all you guys reading this blog, I highly recommend getting this book!

Shaded Light

And now for something completely different!

For novel people, I like to include at least one novel in each of my “What I’m Reading” features, and this month’s is a great one: Shaded Light, by J.A. Menzies. I read a lot of Christian romance because I’m sent them, and my daughter likes them, and I like to keep track of what she’s reading. But honestly, I find most of them rather boring and a little predictable. I don’t know why so much Christian fiction has to focus on 18-20-year-old girls in the 19th century. What about 40-something women in the 21st century trying to navigate the pressures of modern life?

And so the Christian fiction I tend to enjoy the most are thrillers. And yet most of those are written by men, and most are courtroom dramas. I like a good courtroom drama, but often it gets a little, well, repetitive.

That’s why I loved Shaded Light. Think Agatha Christie with a modern twist. Just like P.D. James, too, It’s a true detective novel, focusing on relationships and characters rather than blood and gore, and it leaves you guessing until the final page.

Ellen Brodie is a lot like me. She has a great marriage, and she wants to make sure everyone around her is matched up, too. So she’s eager to welcome Lorry Preston, the daughter of a favourite cousin, into her home for the weekend, knowing that she can match this girl up! The house party has all been planned; everything is perfect.

But her plans go awry as more guests are added to the mix. A blacksheep nephew; a friend of her son’s; a sister of one of her husband’s law partners; and even more, forming rather strange ensemble just as a body is discovered in the garden.

As two detectives at odds with each other arrive to investigate, the group gets deeper into accusations, cover ups, and insecurities.

This book works because of the relationships between the characters. The two detectives–one gruff, older white guy whose exterior matches a really sensitive side that hates everything about the evil that he sees on a daily basis; and one a younger black woman with a lot to prove–form a great team. The people at the party, now unable to leave as the murder investigation widens, discover new things in common and new allegiances, even among people you wouldn’t think would hit it off.

The relationship between George and Ellen, the owners of the home and the hosts of the house party, is interesting. George has a strong need to succeed, and he has, by taking business risks and building a fortune. One of the things he takes most pride in is the fact that Ellen has never had to work (hence why she has time to worry about house parties and matchmaking). And yet what does George do when he can’t control everything, including his son? And will Ellen have more strength than they thought?

I just love books like this because, unlike those 19th century romances, they aren’t predictable. The characters are real, and varied, and modern. They aren’t stereotypes. And as they all try to seek truth, and try to find their way out of the darkness that surrounds them, they find out more about themselves, too.

If you’re looking for something fun to read this Memorial Day Weekend, pick up Shaded Light!

Deal of The Day

Looking to update your look?

Glasses USA is offering 55% off prescription eyewear plus FREE SHIPPING this Memorial Day weekend!

Use code Memorial13 for the discount.

Related posts:

Dealing with Your Husband’s Porn Addiction
What I’m Reading in April
What I’m Reading: New Books for You to Enjoy

3 Steps to Amazing Sex If You’re Remarried

Welcome readers from Crosswalk.com! A great place to start to find all my marriage thoughts is at my Marriage FAQ! Feel free to look around a bit.

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage post in the linky at the bottom.

Before we start today, I just want to give a shout-out to my readers in Oklahoma. My heart just breaks for what has happened to your state, and for the horrible grief that so many families are experiencing. I toured a tornado-impacted town, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, just two years ago right after a twister went through. It was unbelievable. I don’t know how anyone survived (and, of course, all too many didn’t).

And yet, in the middle of it, there was hope, too. I pray that you will all experience hope, and that the power and comfort of God will be real in your lives. And our prayers go out to you.

Today’s guest post is from Julie Sibert, a good friend who blogs at Intimacy in Marriage. I asked her to address a topic I felt I couldn’t speak on, since I’m not in that situation: how to get rid of baggage from a previous marriage when it comes to the bedroom.

I didn’t ask her to talk about this because I don’t take divorce seriously; I do, and I do not condone divorce at all, though I do believe that in some marriages you have no choice.

However, many of my readers are in second marriages. I see it in the comments and the emails that I receive, and many of them are struggling. I do believe that God gives grace to those who have chosen to now live for Him, even if they did not before. And He also gives grace to those who have remarried after heart breaking divorces that they did not want. So please, don’t turn the comments into “you shouldn’t publish this because you’re permitting divorce”, because I’m not. Read here and here to see that. But marriages are in turmoil, and I want to offer all the practical help I can where people ARE AT NOW.

I remember it all clearly.

The struggle I had with sex in my previous marriage. It’s not that it was my struggle alone. It was our struggle. But we never really handled it that way. In fact, we never really handled it at all.

While sexual struggle wasn’t our only issue, I have no lingering doubt about the role it played in landing us in divorce court.

The hollow words that our relationship was “irretrievably broken” still echoed off the courtroom walls as the judge severed our marital bond. Doing so seemed as routine to him as drinking a cup of coffee. (Probably was, considering about half of all marriages don’t last).

Flash forward a few years and I found myself in love again…about to become a wife. Again.

So what about sex this time around? Would the struggles that plagued my first marriage find footing in my second marriage?

Not if I had anything to say about it (which of course I did). So do you, if you are remarried. If you are wondering if sexual intimacy can indeed look different – better – than it did in your previous marriage, I promise you it can.

Here are three steps to amazing sexual intimacy second time around:

1. Believe you are capable of change.

I know, it sounds like I’m about to ooze sappy “self-help” slogans all over you, doesn’t it? Not so much. I’m just going to speak simple God-ordained truth instead.

The Lord is all about making things new. Try as we may to edge Him out of this area of sex, He’s actually quite interested. He’s just generous that way.

In my first marriage, I was a big part of the problem sexually. Unavailable. Uninterested. Unwilling to understand my own body and my own pleasure. Resistant to even bring the matter up for discussion.

You get the picture. From day one of my first marriage until the day he walked out the door, sex was a painful bewildering journey for us.

Honestly, it would have been easy to slide into that path in my second marriage, because let’s face it – sexual mediocrity was all I knew. But I intentionally decided I wanted and deserved something healthier.

I was capable of change. You are too.

If you glance back on your previous marriage and see any sexual struggles that you created, contributed to or suffered from, decide right now to do the hard work to heal those areas of pain.

Face your own tangled mess. And stop letting it wreak havoc in your heart, head and bed.

2. Embrace that your current spouse is not your previous spouse.

I don’t know your story, but I’m going to err on the side of two optimistic assumptions: You and your spouse love each other, and you want this marriage to be stronger and happier than your last marriage.

When I remarried 10 years ago, I knew what would be crucial for our wellbeing is that I not let my view of my current husband be tarnished by the pain from my last one. They are two different guys.

If you find that the sexual difficulties that tripped you up last time are trying to set up camp this time, get brave. Call those things out and say to your husband, “Sex was a big struggle in my first marriage. I want things to look different for us. I love you. I need our sexual intimacy to be a priority for us.”

My educated guess is that your spouse wants that too. No matter where you are in your re-marriage, you and your husband have the opportunity to create something amazing sexually. Embrace the privilege to learn this man’s body. And allow him the privilege to learn yours.

3. Count the costs. Count the gains.

Want to have fabulous soul-drenching sexual intimacy this time around? Sit down with pen and paper and list all the benefits that would come from that.

Put it down on paper.

Get specific on what nurtured sexual intimacy would do for your marriage, your physical and emotional wellbeing, the stability of your home and family life, and your outlook on life.

I’d bet my last dollar that if you saw it all there on paper, you’d fight harder for it. You’d better appreciate what is at stake. Count the costs and count the gains. You’ll see what you and your husband can create together.

As for me, sex this time around has been better than I even imagined. (And I have a pretty vivid imagination, so that’s saying a lot.)

Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog who refuses to stay in the fence.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave a comment, or link up the URL of a marriage post to the linky below! And be sure to link back here, too, so that other people can read great marriage advice.

Related posts:

Is Masturbation in Marriage Wrong?
When Your Spouse Isn’t Interested in Sex: Communicating Your Needs
5 Dangers of Saying No to Sex

When your Husband Snores: What to Do About It

Isn’t intimacy a beautiful thing? You lie in bed together, spooning, feeling each other’s heartbeats. Hearing each other’s breathing. It’s lovely to lie in each other’s arms in bed.

But what happens if you just can’t sleep that way?

Remember the fairy tale of the Princess and the Pea? She can’t sleep if there’s the slightest little aggravation–even a pea under several level of mattresses.

I think that fairytale was based on me.

I’ve never been able to sleep with noise. That’s one of the reasons I found missions trips difficult as a teen. When I was in a dormitory, with twenty people sleeping in the same room, I literally couldn’t sleep. For weeks. If someone was snoring, I’d just be up all night. People say, “eventually you’ll get used to it and you’ll fall asleep”, but that’s not the case. Researchers have found that the way that we learn to sleep as kids is the way that we sleep as adults. And I learned to sleep in quiet.

So when my husband started snoring, we were in trouble.

I would roll him over, and that might work for a few minutes. I’d kick him, and he’d stop momentarily. But throughout our marriage, there have been occasions where I’ve had to bail, and go to sleep in a different room. About ten years ago his snoring was much worse than it is now, and I found that we couldn’t go to hotels, because I’d have nowhere else to go. I remember sleeping in the bathtub a few times, with all of the winter coats under me as cushioning. It was bad, and I was so, so mad at myself for not being able to sleep with snoring.

Thankfully that period in our marriage didn’t last long, because my husband is a great guy and realizes how difficult his snoring is on me. And he took steps to reduce the snoring. Here are just a few things that can help:

1. Lose Weight

My husband seems to have a specific weight where over that he snores constantly, and under it it’s really only occasionally. He has worked so hard to keep under that weight for over a decade a now, and I so appreciate it!

If snoring is a chronic problem in your marriage, often losing weight will help it (though even thin people can snore!).

2. Don’t drink alcohol too close to going to bed

If you or your husband do drink, try to stay away from the beer within two hours of going to sleep. Alcohol makes you snore more!

3. Get enough sleep

People snore more when they are simply exhausted. Today, the only time Keith’s snoring is really bad tends to be on nights after he has been on call. When he doesn’t sleep well the snoring is worse.

If you and your husband can practice going to bed at a decent time and getting at least 7 1/2 hours of sleep, you may find that snoring becomes less of an issue.

4. Lift the head of the bed a bit

Elevate the head of the bed, and some people have found that makes the problem less severe. Just stick something hard, like wooden blocks, under the legs at the head of the bed, so that your head is a few inches higher than your feet. See if that helps!

5. Get a mouth guard

Many couples have had tremendous success with a simple mouth piece. It takes a night or two to get used to wearing it, but it helps keep the air passages open so they don’t vibrate against each other–and hence cause the snoring. And they’ve been approved by the FDA and by Health Canada.

Basically it holds your tongue in place and forces you to breathe through your nose–so you can’t use it if you have a cold. But couples have found that it works wonders!

Honestly, if this has been a real problem in your household, I’d really recommend giving it a try. They don’t work for everyone, but if you can find something that can help you, imagine how much of a relief that would be!

6. See a physician

Snoring isn’t just a problem because it keeps your spouse up–and spouses of snorers have sleep disorders themselves from sleeping so poorly. It can also be a sign of health problems in the snorer. People who chronically snore are far more likely to have high blood pressure. And it could be a sign of sleep apnea. So do get it looked at, especially if it’s chronic.

7. Set up the second room

Finally, sometimes you just have to admit defeat. If you’ve tried everything, and it doesn’t work, or if your spouse uses a CPAP machine and you can’t sleep with the noise (I know I couldn’t), then you may just have to sleep elsewhere. I know we don’t want to do it, but good quality sleep is so important. When we sleep poorly, it affects our whole lives, and our health.

You can keep your bedroom as your main room, with all of your clothes, and personal items, and then just set up the den with a pull out couch, or a guest room with a single bed, where you can regularly retreat. You can even turn in together and pray together, snuggle, make love, talk, read the Bible, or whatever, but then, after you kiss good night, get up and go to the other room.

No, it isn’t as romantic. But sometimes we just can’t sleep in the same bed. If the second bed is easy to get to, and it’s always made up so that you don’t have to be hunting for sheets at 1 in the morning because he was snoring again, you’re less likely to feel resentful.

And you can take turns regarding who sleeps in the other room, too, so that it’s not as if one of you is being kicked out of your bedroom.

That ideal of two people sleeping in the same bed is beautiful. But sometimes it just doesn’t work. Before you give up, try everything you can. See a doctor. Get a mouth guard. Enforce more regular sleeping and eating habits. Once you’ve tried that, though, remember that yours is not a lesser marriage if you can’t sleep in the same bed. Split up to sleep, and you’ll likely find that you feel far more positive towards him during the day!

 What about you? Have you and your husband had to sleep in different rooms? How is that working for you?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
How Do I Forgive My Husband?
Help! My Husband Plays Video Games All the Time!

When Your Adult Step-Children are Difficult to Love

Today and tomorrow we’re going to talk about second marriages, because I know so many of you are in this situation. And recently a reader sent me a question about how to handle adult step-children who are difficult. I didn’t feel qualified to answer, since I am not remarried, but I do know a biblical counselor who is going through this. For obvious reasons she would like to remain anonymous, but she sent an answer below.

Her first marriage ended in divorce because of infidelity on her husband’s part; her current husband was a widower. They are trying to blend their families, and are facing resistance from his adult children. She writes:

I recently attended a biblical counselling conference where one of the sessions was directed toward teaching step-parents how to honour the Lord in their parenting. The speaker noted from a recent study the most cited reason for the break up of 50% of second marriages was problems with the husband’s children.

That stat really spoke to me personally. I was a divorced woman walking with my daughter through my ex-husband’s remarriage; I am a certified counsellor; and, after 12 years of singleness, I recently married a wonderful Christian man with 2 adult children who, through their response and reaction to their father’s remarriage, have caused me much pain, grief, and sorrow. Yes, this stat perked my ears up.

I was caught off-guard by my husband’s children’s animosity toward me and our marriage.

I had been single for many years and had been very faithful to following and serving the Lord. Everyone was ecstatic over my new marriage, and thrilled for us. Everyone, that is, except his children, who hacked his e-mail and Facebook to spy on our communications, went off on angry tangents with their father, threatened “her or me”, made wild accusations against my character, and were just all around miserable. Their mother had passed away some months prior and they felt it was too soon for their father to be thinking about another woman. But, the reality was it was much more about it being too soon for them.

In my wildest dreams I never imagined it would be this hard. I am a trained counsellor and have learned valuable lessons as I watched my daughter navigating the waters of her father’s remarriage. I thought I was prepared and had realistic expectations (I am their father’s wife, not their step-mother nor “grandma” to the grandchildren, unless any of them chose to refer to me in these terms), I thought I would be welcomed as they continued to work through their grief. The rejection, harsh statements surrounding my motives, and ongoing resistance to my presence in their father’s life pricked my heart in ways that caused me intense pain, but also intense anger and feelings of bitterness. This has caused me to realize that I too am on a parallel journey.

I was not expecting this pain

As intensely painful and sometimes lonely this journey is, what I am blessed to be reminded of is how wonderful and persistent the love of Christ is for me. At no time will He abandon me because I simply cannot come with a clean heart or clean hands when I am feeling wounded, weary, bitter, or hopeless. When I am tempted to act out of my hurt, or when I do indeed act out, Christ’s love tenderly reminds me of His commitment to love me, no matter how prickly I am behaving. Christ’s love reminds me that before my relationship with Him, I was God’s enemy in my mind, and yet because of God’s love for me, I was pursued and eventually won over (Romans 5:6-11). This all not as a result of me desiring a relationship with Christ, but rather out of God’s love and desire for a relationship with me. How then can I avoid a continual resetting of my heart toward the pursuit of a loving relationship with my husband’s children? Yes, a loving relationship.

There will be a cost to you in pursuing a relationship with your spouse’s children

It cost Christ His life to secure my relationship with God and there will be a cost to you in pursuing a relationship with your spouse’s children. There will be suffering and rejection but, we are reminded of the suffering and rejection endured for us on the cross, and are encouraged not to be surprised by it but rather to expect it and learn to lean on Jesus and live like Him as a result of it. It will be your relationship with Jesus and through His strength that you will overcome and be victorious as you are thrown into the deep end of the pool of adjusting to married life and resistant, hurtful, hurting children. It will always require me bringing everything back to looking at my hurts through the lens of what God did for me through Christ when I was His enemy, and what I continue to do from sinful flesh, and yet, met with grace every time.

All this being said, don’t hear what I’m not saying.

I’m not saying God called you to be a doormat to your spouse’s children.

Sinful behaviour from your spouse’s children needs to be confronted by your spouse. I have had the blessing of a couple one-on-one “air clearing” sessions with one of my husband’s children, but for the most part if there were situations and behaviours that needed to be addressed my husband is the one to address them. If your spouse cannot stand up to their children then perhaps you have a marriage problem. In spite of the difficulties that have transpired, and continue, my husband has plainly communicated that I am his wife, I take priority in his life, and his first allegiance is to me. This is a difficult stance for many parents in homes that aren’t fractured by death or divorce so spilling it over into a remarriage may seem an insurmountable challenge. But, if it’s one you are not working on, you may very well find yourself another casualty of the stat mentioned at the beginning of this article.

Let me encourage you to not give up on this journey. Let me encourage you to guard your heart and mouth as you are tempted to lash out with words about your spouse’s children that will cut his heart as he too struggles with being caught in the middle of a civil war involving those he loves most. Let me encourage you to pray with your spouse to resolve these issues (we are seeing fruit from many prayers!!).

Let me leave you with two scripture passages that cause me to draw my focus back to Jesus, realize problems within my own heart, and that my circumstances are not beyond the righteous right hand of a loving, involved God (Isaiah 41:10).

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

The writer is a certified counsellor in full-time ministry, newly married, mother to one daughter and son-in-law, and grandmother to two babies.

Have you had experience in step-parenting? Or do you have a step-parent yourself? How do you navigate the difficulties?

Related posts:

How to Cook a Step-Family
Sacrificial Love
More Thoughts on Forgiving Your Father

Reader Question of the Week: How Much Is Reasonable to Expect From Your Spouse?

Hello all, and welcome to the revamped Reader Question of the Week!

Instead of posting a question and asking you all to chime in, I’ve decided to post a question and then answer it myself first. Then you all can chime in once I’ve set the tone, which I think will keep things a little more on an even keel. Here goes:

My husband likes the house to be clean. I don’t mean just picked up and somewhat neat, but spotless, everything in it’s place, every dish put away, every surface wiped. Every day. He claims that if there is something that is not done in the house that he cannot relax and be happy. While I don’t feel that I am a dirty person, I am certainly not a neat freak. I am fine with a pile of papers on the desk or doing the dishes in the morning instead of right after supper. This has been a source of stress in our marriage from day 1. We have been married almost nine years and I feel that I have made huge adjustments to try to accomodate his needs.

My question is not so much about how much I should clean (I did read your post on When Mr. Clean marries Mrs. Messy). I truly do understand the desire for a clean place to come home to. I have tried to accommodate that. I feel that I am bending over backwards taking care of our two kids, working part time, cooking meals, and taking care of the house. I try to be submissive to his requests. If this is something that he thinks I should be doing, should I be trying harder to do it? My questions is how much should I feel responsible for his happiness?

Wow. Now THAT’S a loaded question, isn’t it? I want to answer this by giving a few thoughts that may steer people in the right direction. It’s hard to give advice to any particular person because I don’t know the whole story, and we don’t know the husband’s side. So here are just a few things that may help people to work towards a solution.

1. When you’re married, the other person’s needs/desires do matter

It’s very likely that you and your spouse are opposite in some ways. Maybe your spouse loves to socialize and have people over for dinner while you don’t. Maybe your spouse loves outdoor stuff and you really don’t. Maybe your spouse really wants to go to bed early and you’re more of a night person.

Once you get married, you can’t just keep forging ahead according to your natural tendencies. Your spouse’s desires and needs matter, too. So if it’s really important for your spouse to have a clean house, then putting some effort in that direction is definitely warranted.

However, it sounds like this woman is already doing some of that, so:

2. When You’re Married, You Find a New Balance

Marriage should be about finding a new balance–not his way, not her way, but OUR way.

Just as she should go out of her way to keep things neat if he likes them neat, so he should also go out of his way to recognize her desires to sometimes just put her feet up and concentrate on other things.

Both spouses need to figure out what a new dynamic is. And that means that you have to talk about it–and communication really is the hardest part of marriage. It’s often difficult to have that conversation because it feels like you’re fighting. When you don’t agree, and you talk about it, it seems as if you’re angry, even when you’re not. But it FEELS as if something’s wrong, and that can be scary.

So lots of couples just simply don’t talk about it.

In this case, I think a conversation is definitely warranted so that they can both sit down and hash out THEIR new normal–not his normal, or her normal, but THEIR normal.

Here are some starting points for discussion:

1. Let’s define “spotless”. Is clean the issue, or is it tidy? Is there any leeway?

2. What areas of the house are most important to you? Assuming that I can’t keep everything perfectly neat at all times, especially with children, what areas of the house would you like me to concentrate on? The living room? The kitchen? The bathroom?

3. Let’s talk about priorities. What are your big priorities for us as a family? Now here are mine: kids who love God; a happy, active family; a comfortable home; a good marriage. All of these things matter. I’m wondering, though, how I can raise happy, active kids, and stay involved in their lives, and still keep the house perfectly spotless. It seems an impossible task to me. How do you see me spending my day?

4. If you want the house cleaner, what do you think I should cut out of my day? Can I stop working part-time?

5. Can we afford to hire a maid?

6. Can you work with me to teach the kids to clean, and can you help me enforce times when they also must do their chores?

3. Where Do Expectations Come From?

Another thought I have, specifically when it comes to how to keep the home, is the root of these expectations. Often people dream of having a home just like their mom kept. But what they often forget is that mom took 30 years to figure out how to clean that well. She likely didn’t do it that well right off the bat.

And we only remember the recent years. We don’t remember the house when we were small. If you have a mom who keeps a perfectly clean house, it’s unlikely it was spotless when there were toddlers.

4. If Someone Wants Something that Requires a Lot of Time and Effort, in General that Person Should Be Responsible For It

Here’s my rule of thumb in marriage: we all do reasonable things (of course defining “reasonable” is always difficult, but we all put in effort where we can, while still leaving time for self-care, relaxation, parenting, and marriage.

If someone wants something that takes away from any of those things, then the person who wants it most should be most responsible for it.

For instance, my husband likes having people over for dinner. I enjoy it, too, but usually we’re inviting his work colleagues or students. I don’t mind doing that, but the deal is that if we’re going to do it, it can’t all fall on me. So he has them over on nights when he gets home a little earlier so he can help clean up and prepare the food. It’s most important to him, so he helps.

Keeping a perfectly spotless house when there are kids is a lot of work. I would say, then, that she should definitely put in an effort, especially in the parts of the house that are most important to him. But because this is so crucial to HIM, then it should also fall on him to do something about it. If he’s having a hard time relaxing if the house is a little untidy, then perhaps he should help clean, too.

5. If You Can’t Agree, Ask a Mentor Couple to Sit Down With You

If you just can’t agree, get some third party advice. Sometimes seeing how another couple navigated this landmine can help. And they can often help you just to talk things out, too, which can be so difficult for us.

I know this is a really sticky subject, but like most things in marriage, it’s just about two people coming together and having to find a new balance. For marital peace, ideally both people need to be willing to set aside some of their own expectations and desires so that they can honor their spouse.

I hope that helps! Let me know in the comments how you’ve dealt with this.

Deal of the Day

And now I just need to let you know about this! I’m a big knitter, and I think the world would be a better place if more people joined me.

Well, today only (Saturday) Craftsy is letting you sign up for a course–for FREE! And what could be better than free? So if you’ve always wanted to learn how to knit, or quilt, or sew, or bake, or make jewelry, here’s your chance.

They offer video based courses that take you through mastering a new skill.

Sign up for free here.

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Healthy Tug-O-War
Reader Question of the Week: Really Listening
Reader Question of the Week: He Won’t Take Our Finances Seriously!

Public Safety Should Come First

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan.  This week, let’s talk about public safety and our children.

I want to live in a world where you can go for a test drive with people interested in buying your truck without getting kidnapped.

I want to live in a world where a teenage girl can accept a ride from a friend’s father without winding up a captive for ten years.

I want to live in a world where you can send your children to kindergarten without worrying that they will be shot.

But we don’t live in such a world, because we are far more concerned with rights than we are with public safety.



Now I am a fierce advocate for freedom of speech, and without freedom society disintegrates into tyranny.

But I also believe in the right to life, and when someone has consistently demonstrated that they do not value life, public safety should come first.

Take the way we deal with the mentally ill. When family members are scared of what a mentally ill person will do, they have no recourse, because it’s very difficult to commit someone to hospital. Most mentally ill people aren’t violent, of course, but when family members become scared, where can they turn? We must do a better job of helping these people and their families so that things like the Newtown tragedy won’t happen.

But what about those who are just plain evil, like Ariel Castro, who held three women captive for a decade? What can be done about monsters like that?

How about coming down hard the first time someone is violent? This guy did not take three women out of the blue; he decided to turn his ex-wife black and blue first. He broke her nose, dislocated her shoulder, and shoved her down stairs. She met the man she would marry at one of her many trips to the Emergency Room. Perhaps if we treated domestic violence more seriously this guy would have either been locked up or on a watch list.

Yet in reading his story something else strikes me. Apparently he came from a very rough childhood. That does not in any way excuse what he did; most people who grow up in rough childhoods grow into wonderful adults. Nevertheless, I have yet to read a story of a horrific murderer or sexual offender who came from a healthy background.

So I have to ask: what are we doing to protect children? I have several friends who are foster parents, and what I have witnessed has made me completely lose faith in our system. I have seen toddlers come into care who are already violent. They’re confused, and they’re angry, and they can be mean. And yet they are also just little children who want to be cuddled. In foster care they begin to flourish.

But I have seen judges, again and again, send these kids back to parents who messed them up in the first place, despite Children’s Aid pleas to give these kids a chance. Parents’ rights, even if they have starved their kids, caused permanent health damage, and allowed their kids to be sexually abused, apparently come first.

If I ran the world, parents who messed up their kids would lose them–fast. No going in and out of the system for years before being placed up for adoption; they’d go up early, when they’re two, and when a lot of love can make such a big difference. If I ran the world, men who were violent against women would be punished severely–and put on a permanent watch list so that when someone went missing, their house would be searched automatically. If I ran the world, people who were violent would not get multiple chances. We would say, “the safety of a 14-year-old girl matters more than the rights of a 40-year-old abuser.”

Because the innocent deserve better. And we, as a society, have failed them.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Related posts:

Who Should Raise Kids, Anyway?
Actions Have Consequences
Rethinking Public Service

NEW Edition of To Love, Honor and Vacuum; Fighting Acne; and More Fun Stuff!

Good morning, everyone! I have so much to fill you in on today!

To Love, Honor and Vacuum Will Soon Have a Second Edition!

Probably most of you don’t realize why this blog is called To Love, Honor and Vacuum. I started blogging in 2008, but in 2003 my first book came out. And it was called–you guessed it–To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother.

I really love that book. It summed up a philosophy of marriage and family that I had come to walking through the early years with my girls (they were 8 & 6 when it was published), and it really helped women get some perspective and focus on what was really important.

This blog was meant to support that book.

But then the blog kind of took on a life of its own. And so we went to back to my publisher and told them we’d like to update it, publishing a second edition. And this time, instead of the blog being based on the book, I want the book based on the blog. So it will have a lot of my themes (which means more about sex! There was a chapter, but it will likely be expanded), and material that you’re used to seeing from me–just so much more in depth.

I’m looking forward to writing it this summer!

And speaking of summer–

Getting Ready for More Speaking Tours–Michigan, Virginia, and Pennsylvania

I just finished my last speaking tour of the year last weekend. Yay! I’m off until early October, and I plan to do a LOT of writing. I’ve got the second edition to write, but also one other ebook and one other book proposal.

But in October I’ll be in Virginia; in November I’ll be in Michigan; and in January I’ll be in Pennsylvania. And I would love to bring my Girl Talk event to your church (where I talk about sex & intimacy). It makes an awesome outreach, and it’s always a lot of fun.

Find out more about it here, and email my booking gal here to inquire about dates, cost, etc.

Fighting Back Against Adult Acne

We’ve been talking about Fighting the Frump a lot on this blog, but I have found that one of the hardest things to deal with, especially as an adult woman, is acne. I’ve had oily skin my whole life, which has turned into a blessing as I age because I just don’t get wrinkles. But it means that I’ve fought acne a ton.

And my girls inherited that gene, and so they’ve been dealing with this throughout their teenage years, too.

I was sent an acne kit to try recently (and my 15-year-old tried it and liked it, too!). Acnetene is a kit that helps control and heal acne.  It comes with several products – AcneWash, PimplePads, PimplePaste and ClearCream.

 Each product is designed to target a specific aspect of the skin healing process.    Starting with the AcneWash, it gently cleans pores of infection, dirt and oil.  Many people don’t know that often acne is a result of dirt and bacteria on the skin, so eliminating these will help to heal the skin naturally.

The PimplePads are a daily toner that disinfects and deep cleans the pore to remove stubborn contaminants. To exfoliate and irrigate pores, there’s the PimplePaste.  It penetrates deeply to get rid of bacteria and smoothen your complexion. Finally, the ClearCream is great for moisturizing and returning hydration to the skin.

Acnetene is well known for not overly-drying the skin while eliminating acne.  It targets people that have acne due to bacteria on the skin.  People with acne due to hormonal imbalances may not benefit from this product, so if you find that it’s not having the desired effect, it may be a good idea to see a dermatologist.

One of the major benefits of Acnetene is that it uses natural formulations!  Instead of harsh, harmful chemicals, Acnetene works based on natural ingredients designed to heal.  Your skin will clear of pimples while acquiring a healthy, youthful glow! One of the things that I’ve found with a lot of acne formulations is that you’re essentially just putting alcohol on your skin. It may clear the blemishes temporarily, but it strips your skin of moisture and really throws off the pH of your skin, causing a lot of wrinkles and other problems later. Acnetene doesn’t do that.

If you are on the market for a natural acne treatment that works, Acnetene may be for you! It’s on sale right now for $49 (regular $78), so check it out!

Trigger Points for Tantrums

Yesterday’s post on the trigger points for conflicts obviously struck a chord, and it’s been shared all over Pinterest!

It just occurred to me in looking at my pins on Pinterest, though, that I wrote a similar article about temper tantrums in kids. If we understand what actually causes tantrums, we can avoid many of them. So if you have toddlers, you need to read this: How to Stop Tantrums Before They Start.

Your Thought for the Day

I shared this on Facebook yesterday, and I wanted to share it here, too:

Don’t drift in your marriage! Have fun together. Here are some posts on that:

Countering the Drift

Avoiding Marriage Ruts
Why Walking Together Helps Your Marriage
Spending Time Together

There you go! Some thoughts for today. What’s going on in your life today? Let me know in the comments!

I was compensated for part of this post.

Related posts:

Welcome to the New To Love, Honor and Vacuum!
Getting to Know Some To Love, Honor and Vacuum Readers!
To Love, Honor and Vacuum May in Review