Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 234

Reader Question: When You’re The One Who Needs Forgiveness

As of Monday my blog will be down for a day or two while I switch over to a new server. So if you visit here, and you get an error message, don’t worry! I’ll be back soon!

But because of that I thought I’d run my Reader Question, which I normally post on Mondays, today. Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and try to take a stab at answering it. Then I invite you all to chime in in the comments section, too!

Today’s question is one I often hear different variations of. Here’s one:

My marriage is down the drain and mostly it is my fault. My excessive spending and taking loans (which have now amounted to [a significant debt]) without consulting my husband has created a big rift between us that seems unrepairable due to the fact he doesn’t think I will changed.

I must admit that the first time he found out, he tried to forgive, but I did It again and this time he has had it. I no it is going to take time to pay all this debt off but I don’t want to loose my family (we have a 3yr old girl) and my husband because of my selfish actions.

I feel like I am getting depressed by the unhappy environment because we barely talk only when necessary. How do I regain his trust in me and our marriage? This was surely not what I had envisioned for my marriage.

Here’s another one:

Last year my husband was traveling a lot for business and we were having some various marriage problems at the same time. I developed feelings for a neighbor, and we ended up having an affair. I broke it off after a few weeks, but my husband knows, and he’s having a hard time forgiving me. He’s not leaving me because of the kids, but he doesn’t talk to me unless he needs to. I feel so stupid and mad at myself and ashamed for what I did, but no amount of apologizing seems to do any good. What else can I try?

Both these questions have the same root: a wife has done something really horrible and broken her husband’s trust. Now how can that be rebuilt?

Here are a few thoughts:

1. Apologies are Best Expressed in Actions, Not in Words

Saying “I’m sorry” is absolutely necessary when you’ve messed up. But that’s only the beginning.

What your spouse really wants to know is that you are committed to never having this happen again.

So what can you do to show your spouse that you are changing? In the case of an affair, can you suggest moving or switching jobs if it will take you away from the guy? Can you ask your husband if he will share email accounts or Facebook accounts with you so that he never has to worry about what you’re doing? Can you give him your cell phone and give it up for a while?

In the case of money, can you cut up your credit cards and hand them over? Can you download a spending app on your cell phone that you can share with him to show him where the money is going? Can you consult a debt specialist about the best way to pay off the debt, and then make a plan and share it with your husband, with specific goals that you can show him that you have met? Can you figure out how you can take on the responsibility to pay off the debt, and not leave it all to him? Can you get a part-time job? Start cooking more efficiently and spending less on groceries? Have a massive yard sale?

In other words, putting yourself in a situation where you are accountable and transparent to him, and where he can see that you are serious, will often go much further than a simple apology.

2. Give Him Time to Be Angry

Your husband is really hurt. His trust is broken. You, on the other hand, are desperate to know that your marriage is going to be repaired. And it’s very hard to stand in that limbo time, when your husband is trying to work through his feelings. You’ve already worked through yours; you’re sorry, and you want things back to normal again. You want to put this behind you.

But you need to give him time to grieve. That is his right, and he needs to see that you have changed. That takes time.

In this period of limbo, throw yourself on God. Spend more time on prayer. Read your Bible a lot. Join a women’s Bible study. Find some people who can help support you and who you can talk to while your husband is working through his issues. That way you don’t have to crowd your husband and put pressure on him.

3. Truly Repent

Remember that not only have you sinned against your husband; you’ve also sinned against God. Work through your repentance with God. Read Psalm 51 on a daily basis for a time, and pray through it. Develop some true humility. That will help you work this through.

And as you’re doing that, you’ll be able to accept God’s forgiveness, which is very freeing. No, perhaps your husband hasn’t let it go yet. But you can feel restored by God, and He can help you move forward with that new humility and that new gentleness that comes from recognizing that you are fallible.

4. Do Random Nice Things

It’s tempting when he stops talking to you or when he reacts in anger to act similarly in return. Don’t. Simply be nice. I don’t mean be luvey-duvey; sending him love notes in his lunch is not appropriate, as much as you may want to do this. You can’t force the romance back. But you can get up early and make his coffee before he leaves for work, without demanding a thank you. You can take the car in for an oil change without him having to prompt you. You can buy his mom a birthday card so he doesn’t have to, and leave it for him to sign. You can just simply BE NICE.

You don’t have to announce that you’ve done these things–”did you like me getting coffee for you this morning?”. You can just do them. And gradually, as you treat him well, with respect, you may notice a thawing.

5. Work on Your Friendship

Conversation often returns before the real expressions of love, and that’s to be expected. You only start rebuilding trust one level at a time. Once you are conversing again, and you’re able to be in the same room again, start doing things as friends that don’t require a screen. Get out of the house this summer and go on hikes, or bike rides. Play golf. Do a puzzle. Anything! Just find things that you can do together that are low stress that aren’t necessarily romantic. That way you’re not forcing a relationship; you’re forging a new one.

6. Allow Room for Anger

You may think that several months have gone by, and things are progressing, so he shouldn’t be angry anymore. But it’s often just as you are starting to talk that his anger starts really surfacing. Now he may have a lot of questions–what did you do with that guy? Tell me in detail! What were you thinking when you spent all that money? etc. etc.

When he starts demanding answers, don’t say, “I’ve said I’m sorry! What else can I say? You seem to want to punish me indefinitely!” That may be natural, but he does need time to get his questions out. I’d advise answering them as honestly and succinctly (you don’t need to go into a lot of detail) as you can.

Also, avoid the impulse to defend yourself. “I wouldn’t have had the affair if you had shown some interest in me!” Or “If you hadn’t spent so much time on video games maybe I wouldn’t have felt so lonely!” Those are real issues, and do need to be dealt with. But leave them for another time, or bring them up with a counselor. For now, let him express his anger. Once you have talked about his issues, you can say, “I don’t ever want to be tempted in this way again. Can we talk about how to build our relationship so that neither of us ever strays?” Then you can mention some of your issues–video games, for instance. But leave this until after he has had a chance to deal with his anger.

6. See a Counselor

Finally, when major trust has been broken it’s often a good idea to sit down with a third party and talk things through, especially if your husband has a lot of questions, and you providing answers doesn’t seem to be satisfying him. Sometimes allowing your husband to ask you these questions with a third party present can help you figure out how much to share, and can help put limits on how many questions he could/should ask.

7. Decide What to Tell the Children

I’m a big advocate in not keeping secrets. Children pick up on things anyway, and when they know there is tension in the house, but they don’t know why, they tend to assume that they are the cause of it. Telling your children what you did, at an age appropriate level, is likely a good idea. If you had an affair, for instance, you could tell a young child that Mommy did something that hurt Daddy. That way you’re letting the child know that you are the cause of the tension. If they’re teens, it’s likely a good idea just to be honest. They’ll find out one day anyway. Before you tell the kids anything, of course, talk to your husband about it. Say, “this is what I’d like to tell the children.” But my advice is always to be honest.

During the period of time when your husband is distant from you, it’s tempting to get your emotional needs met from the kids. You’re heartbroken, so you pull them closer. Don’t do this. It’s not emotionally healthy for them. If you have emotional needs, seek out a friend, not your kids.

If your husband sees you accepting responsibility in front of the kids, and not trying to sugar coat things, that will also go further in showing him that you are serious about your apology.

If you’ve messed up your marriage, the road back can be very long. But so many marriages have found themselves even stronger several years down the road because they have worked through these issues, and they’ve learned better communication techniques and put in place more boundaries. So don’t despair!

And ladies, if any of you have ever walked through something similar, and you now find your marriage stronger, can you leave a comment? That will reassure so many of my readers. And if you have any other thoughts, please leave them in the comments, too!

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Published on July 06, 2013 03:00

Summertime Custody Split

[image error]Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week I am sharing a personal story about custody and its impact on kids.

I know this article is a difficult one for many to read, and that’s not my intention. I know so many of you have difficult custody arrangements and difficult divorces when it hasn’t been your choice. At the same time, I feel that this is too important an issue not to speak forcefully about. Sometimes life doesn’t turn out as we wanted, and God’s grace is always there for you in those times. But for those who are just unhappy in their marriages, I want to encourage you: work on them! Because your kids really need it.

I was six and a half years old when I first rode on a plane by myself. My father was in Boston and it was time for my once a year, one week long summer visit.

I don’t remember much about that first short flight, but a few years later he moved to Vancouver. Since I lived in Toronto, that trip lasted four and a half hours each way. I quickly learned that if you’re flying as an unaccompanied minor, and you sniffle and cry a little, stewardesses give you cookies. And not the oatmeal raisin kind. The chocolate chip kind. I cried a lot.

The rules have changed now, and you can’t put kids on a plane by themselves anymore. That will likely make those once-a-year, week-long summer visits with “the other parent” more difficult, and perhaps even less frequent. I’m not entirely sure that’s a bad thing.

Looking back on my early summers those visits were always odd. I felt more awkward than a Quebec separatist at the Queen’s garden party. You didn’t belong, and you spent your life trying to figure out small talk. Sure, we did some lovely sightseeing, and I’m very grateful for my father’s wife who made such great efforts to include me, but it was still not right. Perhaps because I never lived with my father I never bonded with him. And one week a year can’t accomplish that. If your ex is raising your child (or children), don’t fool yourself into thinking you can be a parent only on holidays. Move closer to your children and be involved in their lives.

Yet I’m not sure the opposite custody arrangement–where the children see both parents equally–is that easy, either. The problem with joint custody is that no adults know the child’s whole life. In a kid’s mind, Mom knows everything that happened to me on Week 1, and Dad knows everything that happened on Week 2, but I’m the only one who knows what happened in both. And because each home has different rules and different ways of relating, the child has to almost split in two.

And it’s not just that–they spend their lives in flux, always moving from house to house and living out of suitcases or hockey bags rather than out of closets and drawers. We would never live like that, yet we ask hundreds of thousands of Canadian children to everyday.

Custody arrangements are always built around the parents’ best interests. As a society, we may give lip service to it, but we’re not really interested in the children’s best interests, or we wouldn’t do things like this to them. I can think of several friends who divorced their husbands, claiming their husbands were too harsh. The family would be more peaceful and better off without him. Now that harsh, demanding dad gets the kids by himself 50% of the time. Even if he were harsh and demanding–which in these cases the guys really weren’t–how does splitting up save the kids from this? It only puts them in his house without you there to run interference.

Divorce can definitely be in the kids’ best interests when there is abuse, or open hostility, or addictions. But these are a minority of divorces. Most of the time we want to make our own lives better, and we rationalize it saying that what’s good for us is what’s good for them. Yet we would never live the way that we ask so many children to. If you’re in a difficult place in your relationship, I just ask that you picture your children’s future summers if you break up. Kids always bear the brunt of adult decisions. We owe it to them to put aside our own issues and put the kids first.

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Published on July 05, 2013 04:00

Great Beach Books for the Weekend

Happy 4th of July!

To all my American readers: I hope you enjoy a wonderful day with your families! And as a Canadian, I want to thank your country for ushering in political freedom across the world. That has truly been a gift, and I am thankful for it.

Today I thought I’d do some quick updates, instead of a long blog post.

Great Beach Reads

Heading out to the beach soon? Here are some books that can keep you company!

When Love Calls

At the turn of the century, Hannah Gregory is responsible for her two younger siblings, but she has no way to support them. After her parents died suddenly, this 20-year-old has to figure out a way to get by. So she drops out of law school–after being one of the only females to even try in the early 1900s–and tries to get a job as a “Hello Girl”, one of early telephone operators.

The rigidity of the rules grates at her, but she does her duty because she has to. And along the way lawyer Lincoln Cole, who is still feeling guilty about having to evict the girls from their parents farm, starts trying to woo Hannah. She’s unlike any girl he’s ever met. She’s headstrong, not given to stereotypes, and determined to make it on her own.

Certainly the book is full of Hannah’s dilemmas with Lincoln, as she has to decide whether or not to give her heart away. But the most poignant moments come as she tries to parent sisters who are so close in age to herself. When one falls for a completely inappropriate suitor, can Hannah convince her sister of her mistake?

It’s a fun read, and if you want a novel to reassure you that even in the hardest of circumstances God is looking out for us, When Love Calls definitely fits the bill.

I’ll use my traditional disclaimer with much of Christian romance fiction, though–I find books that end with a wedding difficult. My daughter sums it up well here, and I’ll let her explain why.

Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc.

Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group

The Quarryman’s Bride

Tracie Peterson has written another period romance that takes us inside the messy and dangerous world of rock quarries at the turn of the century. If you need an escape from the modern world, this can be it!

It’s one of those “do I follow my heart or follow my duty?” books, similar to the dilemma faced by Jane Austen’s character Anne in Persuasion. Anne decides not to marry someone at the advice of an older relative, and ends up alone. Emmalyne is told she cannot marry, because her duty is to care for her aging father. And so she breaks her own heart, and the heart of Tavis, the man who loves her.

Living in our world we likely find the plot a little implausible–why would someone throw aside love because their father is being unreasonable? But this was actually quite common until fairly recently. My grandfather, like Emmalyne, was the youngest in the family, and he was expected to care for his widowed mother, not to get married. And so he did, and he didn’t end up marrying until after his mother had died. I find it completely incomprehensible why parents would make such demands on children, but it was quite common.

And so Tavis and Emmalyne seem destined to be apart. Yet when their paths cross again, can they overcome their broken hearts and move forward? Or will the danger that Tavis faces at work separate them? Read The Quarryman’s Bride to find the answer.

Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc.

Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group

Dee Henderson’s O’Malley series

I downloaded Dee Henderson’s book The Negotiator last week because it was free on Amazon for a day (and I announced that on my Facebook Page! I periodically announce free Kindle downloads there, so if you don’t follow me on Facebook, join me now!).

I’m not a huge fan of just plain historical Christian romances, though I do read them because I get sent them free to review. And when I’ve mentioned this, a number of you have recommended Dee Henderson, since she writes more thriller/romances.

So I read The Negotiator, and then The Guardian, the next one in the series.

I did enjoy them better than romances, but here’s what’s strange. In both cases, the male romantic characters are: mid-thirties yet not married and with no substantial romantic baggage; very athletic; very good looking; 6’3 or something like that; funny; great cooks; interested in nutrition; very romantic (they buy flowers and chocolates frequently); good at riding horses; financially well off; interested in protecting women; love children; and very Christian. In other words, they are perfect. Absolutely perfect.

I have never met anyone who meets all of those criteria. And I have never met anyone who is as good a catch as that but is 35 and single, with no baggage. I’m not entirely sure they exist.

So while the plot was good, I’m not sure it’s that realistic. What I would still like: a book where the characters are not perfect, and where the relationship is thus more realistic. I haven’t found it yet. Perhaps I’ll have to write it.

Nevertheless, if you are looking for escapes, these ones are good choices.

I’ve really enjoyed some of the more secular books I’ve read lately–The Friday Night Knitting Club; some of Kate Morton‘s works; some of Jodi Picoult’s books. If I can find similar writing in Christian books, I’ll let you know!

July 4th Deals of the Day

To celebrate July 4, a number of retailers are offering blow-out sales!

Zulily, a membership site where membership is free, has HUGE sales on The Fourth of July means fun, decor—and fashion! They’ve got Boys’ and Girls’ Fashions, Women’s Shoes, Kids’ Toys, and so much more. It’s one of the best sales days of the year. Zulily’s kind of neat–they don’t always sell the same stuff. Everyday is a brand new sale, so it’s always a surprise what’s available. Check it out!

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Published on July 04, 2013 07:00

Wifey Wednesday: Should Christians Have Amazing Sex?

[image error]It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up your own marriage post below.

Last week Rachel Pietka took the Christian internet community by storm when she wrote a column in Relevant online magazine called, “Christians are not called to have amazing sex“. She claimed that Christians had bought into the world’s view of the importance of sex too much, and were writing all these books on how to have amazing sex, and in the meantime we’d lost the real purpose of marriage, which is a commitment, whether or not the sex was great.

As the author of a book on how Christians can have “great sex“, I’d like to comment on her article, because I think it’s important, and I also think it’s dangerous.

She’s Right: Christians do not have great sex off the bat if they stayed virgins before they were married

Sometimes we give kids the message “wait, it’s so worth it” a little bit too much. They think that sex will be this amazing thing as soon as they get married, and most likely it won’t be. And she gave the example of a couple who married at twenty, not realizing they would be sexually incompatible. And they ended up divorcing. The reason? Because Christians never talked about the fact that you could be sexually incompatible, and that you shouldn’t get married just to have sex.

Okay, perhaps I should have said she’s MOSTLY right. I completely agree that too often we give people the message, “sex will be great right off the bat if you wait!” That’s one of the reasons I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–to show young women that often the honeymoon isn’t the best, but in the end, it makes absolutely no difference. After a decade, whether your honeymoon was great or not, you experience roughly the same levels of sexual satisfaction. Sex is a learning curve, and the best thing to do is just relax and be happy that you can truly be intimate. Don’t worry too much. Things will happen and will get great with time.

My book is meant to help people think of sex as a journey, not as just the honeymoon. And that’s one of the things new brides thank me for the most.

She’s Wrong: People aren’t “sexually incompatible”

She claimed that Christians that talk up amazing sex are buying into the world’s view, but I think she gives far too much credence to the idea of sexual incompatibility. She says that because Christians aren’t to have sex before we’re married, we never know whether we’re compatible or not. Thus, sexual pleasure, or compatibility, is not the main purpose of marriage.

This gives the impression that in a marriage SHE by herself is a static sexual being, and HE by himself is a static sexual being, and the two may not match. Not true. God designed sex to be a relational thing; it’s not two individuals coming together as much as it is a couple experiencing something together.

Personally, I hate the word “incompatible”. I simply say that people have differences in the bedroom, or problems in the bedroom, because that’s the truth. You’re not incompatible; you just have things you need to work out. It’s an entirely different emphasis. Incompatible makes it sound like you will never meet in the middle. Problems are just obstacles that need to be overcome. And that’s the more biblical view. Where in the Bible does it ever say that two people can’t be compatible, in any aspect of their relationship? When people are chasing after God, they will be transformed to look like Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29). And that makes us compatible on pretty much any level.

Not compatible? Then you’re simply having problems that need to be worked out. They’re not insurmountable; they’re not static. They’re just issues, that’s all. The world talks up “compatibility” as a way to say that we should try each other first. Nothing can be farther from the truth, because it emphasizes the physical aspect of sex over all else, and leads to tons of heartache. Let’s not go down that road.

She’s Wrong: Sex is not only physical

She also gave absolutely no credence to the fact that God made sex to unite us on more than just a physical level. It’s also a spiritual intimacy and an emotional intimacy, not just a physical intimacy.

And because of that, Christians SHOULD have amazing sex, and indeed DO have much better sex than the general public, according to my research and others. Why is that? Because we understand the power of commitment. Because we are also already spiritually intimate. And when you truly are one, sex is something far more powerful. The spiritual intimacy feeds the physical side, and sex can be much more stupendous.

But it’s not just this: God created sex for a reason, and it wasn’t just so that we could have children, and it wasn’t just so that we could enjoy ourselves. It was also so that we could get a glimpse into the deep passion that He has for us. He uses sexual imagery to discuss how He feels about his children. And He put this sexual drive “to know” each other inside of us, so that we would get a taste of true intimacy.

If we deny that, or say that it’s really unimportant, and people should just live with lousy sex, then we’re not just missing out on marriage. We’re missing out on understanding the whole nature of intimacy and passion that God has for us.

I’m not saying that only married people can understand this. Single people can certainly understand intimacy and passion, too. But when we married people have access to the most intimate experience people can have this side of heaven, and then we say “it doesn’t matter”, I think we’re closing ourselves off to intimacy and passion in general, and that can be dangerous.

She’s Wrong: We shouldn’t put up with a marred sinful nature

Ms. Pietka attributes bad sex to our sinful nature, which is true. But she seems to think that this is inevitable, or at least something that is not worth doing very much about. If people find themselves married, with sexual problems, they should realize it’s just part of their sinful nature, and work on other aspects of their marriage.

I find this extremely strange. On the one hand: yes, the problems we have in the bedroom are all caused by our sinful nature. If one spouse wants to make love much more than another, and this causes hurt, it’s sin, because one (or both) are not loving each other as Christ did. If one is being selfish in bed, demanding unreasonable things, or refusing to learn how to pleasure the other, it’s sin. If one is using porn or erotica to get aroused, it’s sin. If one is feeling ashamed of sex, that, too, is sin, though it may not be theirs. Perhaps they grew up in a house where their parents made them feel ashamed of the fact that they were sexual, and now they need healing. Or perhaps they were abused (someone else’s sin) and that, too, has impacted their ability to enjoy sex.

All of our problems stem from either from our own sin (selfishness) or from being sinned against (brokenness). And so we need to go to God for healing and restoration.

And that last part is so important. She seems to be saying we should be content to live with the marred sinful nature. In what other area of our lives do we do this?

Take Christian community, for example. We, as Christians, are notoriously bad at finding unity. But did Jesus say, “you’ll find it really difficult to act as one body, because of the marred sinful nature, and you just need to realize that”? No, he said, “they will know you by your love for one another.” Paul wrote a whole book (1 Corinthians) on how Christians should get along with each other.

Is getting along difficult? You betcha. Does that mean that we should give up and say, “on this side of heaven, we won’t achieve unity”? Nope, God doesn’t give us that escape clause. He wants us to keep working towards unity.

And He wants us to do that in our marriages, too. Will our marriages ever be perfect? No. Will all of us have amazing sex? No. But on this earth, we are to seek Jesus in everything. We are to seek restoration, and renewal, and healing. We are to aim to be more selfless and more understanding. And all of these things apply just as much to sex as anything else. In fact, perhaps they apply more so because our sexual identity is so close to our personal identity. Everything is really intertwined. If we start to deny our sexual being, we tend to cut ourselves off from true passion.

Ms. Pietka said that by emphasizing amazing sex we’re emphasizing the wrong thing. We should be emphasizing a marriage based not on sex but on commitment. I agree that commitment is vitally important. But to deny the importance of sex, or to downplay our responsibility, once we’re married, of making it the best it can be for both of us, is also to distort God’s plan for marriage.

She’s Wrong: She gives people an excuse to say, “you shouldn’t expect more”

Here’s my real concern. Let’s say that you’re a woman with a low sex drive. You find sex a hassle. Your husband is always saying he needs it more, and you’re sick of it. Then you read her article. And now you have an excuse to go to him and say, “see, Christians emphasize sex too much, and you just should just live with it.”

That is not biblical. Paul said, in 1 Corinthians 7, “do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time….” (I’ve written a three part series on what that verse really means here). There’s a whole book in the Bible (Song of Solomon) celebrating sex.

So what I want to say to Ms. Pietka is that I agree that Christians perhaps sound too glib about how easy it is to have amazing sex. But the simple fact is that we SHOULD have better sex than others because we know the author of sex. We know a level of intimacy that others don’t, and that should already make sex better. And if we still have a ways to go (and don’t we all?), then we should be working towards that, not settling for less. Jesus called us to an abundant life. If something is not abundant, why would you not want more of God–selflessness, passion, intimacy–in that area of your life? Why would you settle for less?

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

What advice do you have for us today? Link up your own marriage post in the linky below! Just leave the URL of your post, and be sure to link back here so other people can read all these amazing marriage posts.

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Published on July 03, 2013 04:03

5 Daily Reminders To Help You Keep on Budget

While I’m taking a bit of a hiatus this summer to write a book proposal and an ebook, I’ve invited a few people to guest post. Here’s Cassy from Credit Donkey sharing some tips for staying on budget.

If you’re anything like me, you need a little help sometimes staying on budget. Right now, I’m hanging out with a cup of coffee from good ole “Fivebucks,” which I really didn’t need to buy. In fact, that one small purchase pushed me a bit over budget in one area.

Why did I make the purchase, then? Well, I sort of forgot where I was at in the “dining out” portion of my budget. So now I have to scale back on something else in order to afford this cup of Joe I’m already enjoying.

It’s not that big a deal, but little things like this can add up over time. Maybe I need to use a few of these reminders to help me stay on budget:

1. Check your bank account balance

If you’re living on a tight budget and don’t have much of a pad in your checking account, you’re not alone. Lots of us in this tough economy are living paycheck to paycheck, which means there’s not much in-between to work with. In fact, the national average checking account balance is just under $3,000.

Checking in on your checking account balance daily is easy if your bank offers online and mobile account balance information. And keeping tabs on how much cash you have on hand can deter unnecessary spending – especially if that balance begins to dip below a comfortable level.

2. Track your credit card swipes

It’s easy when using a credit card to forget how much you’re spending, but you don’t want to fall into this financial trap. Whether you are using a credit card at the gas pump, or using a card to save money on grocery shopping trips, you still want to stick to budget to avoid paying hefty interest fees down the road.

So keep a notebook handy, and track your credit card spending each time you make a purchase. It doesn’t take long, and you can enter that information in your budget spreadsheet once you get home.

3. Use budgeting apps

There are literally hundreds of budgeting apps available today, and you may want to check out one of these money management apps to help you stick to your budget. Some of the more advanced apps actually download transactions automatically, so you don’t have to even write them down. Others simply help you keep track of where your money is going.

Budgeting apps on your phone can be particularly helpful for controlling day-to-day spending, since they allow you to check your balances and budgets on a minute-by-minute basis, if necessary.

4. Post a picture of your goals

One thing that keeps me going on my budget – and generally steering clear of expensive coffee shops – is keeping my goals in mind. I’m currently saving to buy a home. What’s your big financial goal to work towards?

Whether it’s being debt-free, going on vacation, or even something as simple as having an emergency fund, keeping the end goal in mind can help boost your will to stay on budget. Post a picture or a saying about your goal on your fridge, by your computer, or on your desk at work to keep these goals constantly in mind.

5. Set a reasonable budget

This tip actually begins at the beginning: when you’re setting your budget. If you find yourself constantly going over budget in certain budget categories, the problem may actually just be your budget.

Sometimes in our zeal to save more and spend less, we set unreasonable budget restrictions we just can’t meet. Now, if you’re constantly overspending on shoes you don’t need or on frothy, expensive coffee drinks, the problem probably lies in your self-discipline.

But if you’re spending more than you budgeted on groceries, gas, utilities, or other necessary expenses, you may just need to re-examine your budget. Allocating more money to these problem areas can give you a more reasonable goal to meet, while still helping you save money.

Before I swipe my card at the Starbucks drive through, I’ll now have to contend with a mental picture of my dream house – and I’ll check that possibly low checking account balance. Which of these five tips will you use to stay on budget this week?

Cassy blogs about personal finance and how to be more financially savvy at CreditDonkey. For more information, please check out their website at http://www.creditdonkey.com/ or their Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/CreditDonkey

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Published on July 02, 2013 05:00

Reader Question: How do I Prevent an Emotional Affair?

Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question, take a stab at it, and then invite you all to chime in in the comments!

Here’s a woman I feel great sympathy for. She writes:

I am happily married to my husband. I don’t want to leave him, I’m very attracted to him. We’ve been married for [redacted] years and he has become more caring and loving than he was in the beginning. I know that he is who God wants me to be with.

The problem is, there is this man from church who I’ve developed an attraction to. I didn’t mean to, and I’ve tried to reason the feelings away. This man has never made a ‘move’ on me, or anything. My husband thinks he talks to me a little too much, so he likes me to only talk to him when he’s around and I comply. I find myself looking forward to seeing him, dressing up “for church”… It really makes me dislike myself. I’ve prayed about it a lot.

The other day I asked my husband what he would do if I died. He said that he didn’t know, that he’d miss me terribly, and that he’d get lots of help from family and the church. Then he asked me what I’d do, immediately my mind went to the man at church and how I’d want to marry him. I don’t even really know the man that well. I only know his major interests. I didn’t tell my husband that, I just said that I didn’t want to think about him dying, and I don’t want him to die, it’s the truth.

Help. I hate having these feelings. I want them to go away. I keep praying about it, and limiting talking to the man. I try to only talk to the women at church now, because he is popular with the men at the church. How to I stay emotionally faithful to my husband?

I want to say something right off the bat that people may be surprised to hear:

Just because you are attracted to someone else DOES NOT mean that there is something wrong with your marriage.

Did you hear that? Let that sink in. I think we sometimes believe that attraction can only happen if we are unhappy, or lacking something. But you are not DEAD. You are simply married. And sometimes we meet someone who pushes all the right buttons.

We’re then thrown through a tailspin of bewilderment. You thought you were immune to this, because you have a great marriage. You’re in love with your husband. How could this be happening to you?

So here are some thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Temptation is Not Sin

Jesus was tempted. Feeling attracted to someone is not a sin. And it really can happen to anyone–even someone with a good marriage.

2. Temptation Does Not Mean there is Something Wrong with Your Marriage

As soon as we’re tempted, and feel attracted to someone else, we often start to look at our marriage and figure there’s something horribly wrong. There’s some unmet need, and my subconscious is trying to point it out to me.

That could be true, but from the women I’ve spoken with I’d say that’s not necessarily true at all. Your marriage very well could be fine. It may not be, of course; but being tempted does not mean that something IS wrong with your marriage.

When we are attracted to someone else, the worst thing we can do is to then assume that we are unhappy with our marriage. That makes us start to doubt our marriage even more. “I must find my husband lacking if I’m attracted to this guy.” No, that’s not true. You just may very well fit with that other guy as well.

I am not one of those “there is only one person out there in the world meant for you” kind of person. I believe that God lets us choose our spouse, and that it is then up to us to become the best spouse we can be. Perhaps it’s because my grandfather was married three times to three wonderful but very different women (they all kept dying of cancer on him). Were those last two marriages substandard because the first was the love of his life? No, I don’t think so. He was happy in all three marriages, because he decided to love those women and be the best husband he could for them.

So the fact that you are attracted to someone else is simply because there are many different people we could have potentially worked with.

Now, perhaps there is something wrong with your marriage. Hopefully this, then, will be the nudge to start addressing that problem by going to a counselor, talking to your husband about it, or doing something to change the dynamic. But it does not necessarily mean something is wrong, and assuming your marriage is on the skids is the worst thing you could do at a time like this.

3. You Are In a Battle

You are not to blame for being tempted. This does not mean there is something wrong with your marriage. However, what you do with those feelings is something for which you can be held to account.

If you start dreaming about the guy, or dressing up for the guy, or thinking about what you will say the next time you see him, you have crossed over from the temptation to the actively participating in the fantasy. And that’s dangerous.

What I’m getting from this letter writer is the question, “how can I make this go away??!?” And I understand the feeling. You just want this horrible reality that you’re attracted to this guy to go away. You want these thoughts to vanish.

But the problem is that we begin to think that these thoughts, and that this attraction, is something that happens, and we have no control over it.

These thoughts come, and you can do nothing to banish them.

Yes, you can! We have control over our thoughts. We can choose whether to entertain them or not.

2 Corinthians 10:5 says:

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

We take every thought captive. We choose what to think about. If a thought enters your head that you know is wrong, replace it with something else. Pray. Sing a worship song. Make that your prompt to text something nice to your husband. Seriously, every time you think about this other guy, go text your husband and tell him something new that you love about him. Whenever you think about this man, go and hug your children. Choose to replace the thought.

Why don’t we do this? Because the thoughts are actually fun. Infatuation is fun. Gary Thomas outlines the science of this in his book Sacred Search. Infatuation is heady, and more intoxicating than a drug. But it’s not real. What’s real is deciding to love someone, day in and day out. So recognize you’re in a battle and fight! If you engage in that fight for long enough, by praying and taking every thought captive, you’ll find that your thought patterns do start to change. But don’t expect it to be easy. You have to FIGHT!

4. Don’t Convince Yourself He’d Be an Awful Husband

I think often we feel, “oh, if I saw his flaws I wouldn’t be attracted to him anymore.” I think that’s a wrong way of looking at it. You see your husband’s flaws, and you’re still attracted to him, but that’s because you have decided to love him. If you decided to love this other guy, chances are you could overlook his flaws, too.

Stopping the infatuation with the other guy does not depend on seeing him as a horrible human being; it depends on seeing your husband in the right light, and taking your thoughts captive. Don’t think about how this guy probably snores and farts in his sleep; think about how much you love your husband, and how you will remain faithful. Fight the battle, ladies!

5. Set up Boundaries

Set up boundaries in your marriage. It sounds like she is already do this: she’s not talking by herself to him very much; she’s trying to keep her husband near when he’s around. Good decisions!

I’d encourage anyone who is tempted by an emotional affair to set up some serious boundaries and do not let yourself be put in a compromising situation. Don’t text him–even if you can think of a legitimate reason to do so. (We’re on a committee together, and I need to tell him about the next meeting. I can text him then, right?). No. Because chances are you’ll start trying to think of more “legitimate” reasons to text him. Don’t friend him on Facebook. Don’t be alone with him. If you are on a committee with him, consider leaving that committee. If you work with him, consider leaving that job. I know that not all of these actions may be possible, but what I have found is that when you put distance between the person that you think that you are emotionally attracted to, and put your energy into your husband, that attraction wanes.

6. Love Your Husband Wholeheartedly

Dedicate yourself even more to loving your husband. Make your sex life great. Flirt with him. Nurture your marriage every way you can. As you find yourself spending more and more time with your husband, you’ll likely find your attraction to the guy diminishing.

What do you think? Have you ever been in this situation? How did you extricate yourself? And what boundaries for marriage work best for you?

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Published on July 01, 2013 04:12

Reader Question: How Do I Prevent an Emotional Affair?

Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question, take a stab at it, and then invite you all to chime in in the comments!

Here’s a woman I feel great sympathy for. She writes:

I am happily married to my husband. I don’t want to leave him, I’m very attracted to him. We’ve been married for [redacted] years and he has become more caring and loving than he was in the beginning. I know that he is who God wants me to be with.

The problem is, there is this man from church who I’ve developed an attraction to. I didn’t mean to, and I’ve tried to reason the feelings away. This man has never made a ‘move’ on me, or anything. My husband thinks he talks to me a little too much, so he likes me to only talk to him when he’s around and I comply. I find myself looking forward to seeing him, dressing up “for church”… It really makes me dislike myself. I’ve prayed about it a lot.

The other day I asked my husband what he would do if I died. He said that he didn’t know, that he’d miss me terribly, and that he’d get lots of help from family and the church. Then he asked me what I’d do, immediately my mind went to the man at church and how I’d want to marry him. I don’t even really know the man that well. I only know his major interests. I didn’t tell my husband that, I just said that I didn’t want to think about him dying, and I don’t want him to die, it’s the truth.

Help. I hate having these feelings. I want them to go away. I keep praying about it, and limiting talking to the man. I try to only talk to the women at church now, because he is popular with the men at the church. How to I stay emotionally faithful to my husband?

I want to say something right off the bat that people may be surprised to hear: