Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 231

We Need a New Mating Ritual

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week let’s talk about what to hope for and expect in finding a mate.

A little over a year ago my husband and I decided that we just weren’t geeky enough, and so we added birdwatching to our list of hobbies. Last week we went searching for some peregrine falcons that had roosted in a water tower, and as we were watching the pair of them circling overhead, I starting pondering how birds choose a mate.

In most of the animal kingdom, the guy has to impress the girl if he wants any action. So he goes to absurd lengths, showing off his colours, or his ability to fly in circles, or his song, or whatever else may flip her switch, and the girl goes all gaga and they build a nest together. A guy who can’t fly in circles, or whose blue just isn’t blue enough, is passed over because these girls are picky. They want a guy who has the qualities it takes to be the dad to her babies.

Animals do this by instinct, of course. Humans, on the other hand, can fight against instinct. We women can decide that a man doesn’t really need to impress us at all. If he shows any interest, even if he’s a lout, we’ll fall at his feet. We’re not insisting on good traits anymore.

A number of cultural factors brought about this shift. Both men and women stopped valuing marriage as much. People delayed commitment and spent longer in school, often not adopting regular adult responsibilities until well into their thirties. The sexual revolution meant that we stressed sex over love. And feminism taught women that they should go out there and have fun and don’t let yourself be shackled. So our mating rituals became far less about impressing anyone and far more about using people.

However, while some people are perfectly happy hooking up for the rest of their lives, most people aren’t. Most of us, both male and female, still want someone we can love who will love us back, whom we can walk through life with.

Unfortunately we’re going about it all wrong. If you want to be married with kids, for instance, hooking up with someone and moving in with them is unlikely to help you meet your goal. One friend of mine lived with a guy from the time she was 24 until she was 41 and finally realized he wouldn’t marry her. It’s not just women getting their hearts broken, either; I know plenty of men who have loved women who had no intention of settling down, too.

Other girls I know have thrown away their university years getting their hearts broken by men who used them when it was convenient for them, and spent most of their free time with video games or porn. Yet these smart, pretty girls thought “all men were like that”, so they’d have to settle. Of course, the more these girls settled, the more men tend to act like that! The women figured, though, that eventually these guys would fall in love with them and magically change, putting aside the Xbox and the creepy websites.

That’s a really bad plan. If you want a commitment, then maybe you need a new mating ritual. Treat yourself with the respect you want from someone else. Do they have goals? Are they kind and considerate? And how do they treat their mother? (You may laugh, but it reveals a lot!)

If we want better relationships in the end, let’s start better in the beginning. Stop the hooking up cycle: it’s not part of a mating ritual; it’s just a casual dating ritual. Instead, look at the character someone is displaying. And then keep your distance until you find a winner. If more people did that, fewer people would have to build a nest alone.

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And check out my article on what makes a man marriage material. Then don’t settle for less!

The post We Need a New Mating Ritual appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Being the Exception to the Rule

This summer I’ve been taking some time off trying to organize the back end of this blog and write the second edition to my book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum. So I thought I’d repost a column that I really enjoyed about not limiting yourself. It starts with some observations about a Tim Horton’s contest–which perhaps only Canadians will get. Tim’s is like Dunkin Donuts….

Last week my daughter r-r-r-rolled up the rim to win twice–and won twice! A coffee once and a donut next. She was ecstatic.

When Rebecca reported her astounding streak of luck to her dad, he silently pulled two little pieces of cardboard out of his wallet–one for a coffee, and one for a donut. He’d won, too. Same order and everything.

Thus launched a rather ridiculous conversation about math. What are the odds that two people would win exactly the same thing in the same order? They started multiplying the 1 in 6 chance to win to the third and fourth power, and then Keith realized: but I didn’t only win. I forgot about all the times I r-r-r-r-olled up and lost.

It’s like his pet theory about the full moon fallacy: whenever people go a little nuts and we look up into the sky and see a bunch of stars, we don’t think anything of it. But if we look up into the sky and see a full moon, we say, “that proves it! Full moons cause people to go crazy!” We forget about all those other times we saw nothing but stars because those times didn’t register in our brain since they didn’t fit our preconceived notions. If something happens that fits with the way we want to see the world, we’ll start believing it’s far more common or likely than it actually is.

Categorizing things is our brain’s natural way of learning about the world. When a baby is born, it has no idea that a Chihuahua and a Great Dane are both dogs, yet within two years most toddlers can reliably label a yapping lap dog and a growling German Shepherd as both being of the canine, and not the feline, variety. They start to notice what dogs have in common, and what cats have in common, and learn to distinguish between the two.

Our brains are wired to notice relationships so that we can learn about the world more easily. Usually that’s a good thing. Yet sometimes the relationships that our brains notice can keep us stuck.

Let’s say you grew up in a home where your parents’ marriage was awful and ended early. Marriage makes you miserable, you conclude. And every time you venture to the grocery store your view is confirmed: magazine covers are blaring about the latest scandals and divorces. Sure, your best friend’s parents are happily married, and almost 60% of marriages in this country don’t end in divorce, but you still believe marriage is a trap, and so you determine not to try.

Or perhaps everyone around you dropped out of school, and so you think there’s no point in someone from your neighborhood trying to do something better with their lives. Maybe it’s the opposite: everyone in your family went to university, so even though you have dreams of working with your hands, you figure university is just what you do after high school.

Seeing things in categories doesn’t present a problem unless we start to let those categories limit who we can be. It doesn’t matter what the chances of divorce are for everyone else, or what the chances of graduation are for your neighborhood, or what your odds are for success.

When it comes down to it, it’s not about odds. It’s just about you: where you decide to put your effort, and whether you’ll let other people write your future for you. No one else has as much interest in your success as you, so don’t let other people’s failures–or even your own past ones–limit your options today. Choose where you want to go, and then push on with all your might. Even if there is a full moon.

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The post Being the Exception to the Rule appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: Waking Up

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up in the comments!  Today, guest author Holly Smith shares about some major groundwork God laid in her marriage.  It all began with a prayer.

I had been praying about it for a couple of months, and God answered in the most unusual, but faithful way. This is what I prayed, “Lord, please wake my Chris up—make him fully engaged in life again–for he is sleep-walking. Wake him up, Father.”

So God did. He sent a friend first of all. The friend offered a challenge and invitation for my Chris to participate in a mission trip to India—to design something, life-giving and life-saving for these people. That spoke Chris’ language. I saw the tears and I saw the awakening gradually begin.

That evening came another type of news from our mortgage company. We were behind in payments and if we did not get things in order, we would be on the road to foreclosure. Now let me say it plainly. Chris did not intentionally let us fall behind. He was not fully aware. But he also was not fully awake. And when we stop watching, guarding and being on the alert, we miss important choices. To fail to choose is to not choose.

He was fully awake that October day! We got back-to-back in the fight. I believe this is key in any marriage issue. We choose to be on the same team. We choose to fight against all forces together. We choose to forgive. We choose to love.

The overflow is that God took this awakening opportunity to raise up not only miraculous help that was beyond our ability, but also He awakened the giant in my husband—the one who fights for family, who is fully alert and who wants other families to not miss one opportunity.

It was a gift in disguise.

Today we are on the last month of paying the missed payments back. By month’s end, we will be fully out of debt, except for a very small mortgage payment. We will also be on the road to saving – for the first time in our marriage of 22 years! We have seen God’s provision and we are making Him known in the way we share our story—the good, the bad and the ugly.

Chris is now leading a men’s Bible study in our home. He’s sharing our testimony. He has been invited to serve as a deacon at our church. He is leading our family with eyes wide open. No more is he sleeping. He is in God’s Word, prayerful and watchful—our family’s point man. Every step he takes is purposeful and under the Holy Spirit’s leading. He is also watching over our finances in a way unlike he has ever watched before—he has learned and grown so much!

I, too, am fully awake. I have found freedom in forgiveness, in choosing to not say—it’s your fault. But what shall we do together now? For I know this is OUR problem and we shall face it together. “Two are better than one for if one falls down the other can help them up,” the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9.

Most of us live like we have fallen asleep. We try to satiate the aching holes in our soul by feeding on mindless things. I am guilty of this for sure. To relax, I want to watch something that will not make me think–maybe laugh–but thinking is something that I try to turn off. I want to accomplish the things I have to, while doing something I like that somehow entertains me. As a nation, we rely on empty entertainment. Silence is a lost art.

Silence can be a springboard for waking up. For we use noise and entertainment to numb the pains of life. I know. For I have done it myself.

Recently my Chris traveled out of the country for the week with work. During that time, I made myself be silent rather than turning on the TV, radio or calling somebody. In the silences, I found a refuge of strength and healing in my spirit. I would be on the cusp of tears, as I missed my Chris so much. But also, I realized that some of our usual daily habits (staying up too late, falling into a mindless routine) were not happening. Perhaps as a couple–as a family even–we need to mix it up a little. We need to wake up!

For the groundwork we are laying in our families—it is of utmost importance. It may seem trivial now. But one day, we will find it was the means by which God did the most effective and active works we have ever seen. Those works will count throughout the generations—they will be told and re-told. And it all began with a prayer, obedience, watchfulness and silence. It all began with God, who invited us from the start.

About Holly Smith

Holly loves her job as wife to Chris and mom to Noah, Kylie, Tabor and Sydney. God has gifted Holly with a love of all things creative ~ from painting and wall papering to scrap-booking and design work. In addition to co-founding and managing A Martha Heart, she designs web pages (www.crownlaiddowndesigns.com) and marketing pieces. She also participates with a wonderful team of moms in writing at The M.O.M. Initiative. Holly and her family make their home within site of year ’round snow-capped mountains in Colorado. She can be reached by emailing Holly@amarthaheart.com or connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HollyGorinSmith.  Read more from Holly’s heart at:  www.amarthaheart.com

Now, what about you?  Your spouse?  Is it time for doing some waking up in your home, too? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the comments. Thanks!

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Confessions of a Minivan Mama

Today, please welcome guest author, Jenny Lee Sulpizio, who shares a light-hearted, must-have list for all your family travels–very useful for families with kids of all ages.

The minivan. Sigh

I don’t know about you, but prior to becoming a mom, the minivan was the one car I swore I would never (as in ever) possess–and for good reason. I mean a minivan? Well, it pretty much meant the end to any sort of “cool” I was hoping to hold onto. One husband, two dogs, three kids and a slew of activities later, the same girl (yep, me) who’d spent years resisting, clawing, scratching and fighting this one purchase, could do so no longer.

As you might have already guessed, I became a minivan mama. Me!

So, when I left the dealership that day in my recently-purchased ride, I adopted a newfound appreciation for this blessing I’d been fortunate enough to acquire. After all, everything was at my disposal: lots of lights, gadgets, mirrors, and too many mommy options to count. I could fit a whole baseball team in the trunk if I wanted to, and the boomin’ sound system that accompanied this vehicle had me instantly reverting back to the days when society once considered me hip.

As it turned out, minivans were pretty cool (Wait! Did I really just say that?).

But even with all of those options and oh-so-great features, this machine of mine failed to include many of the sanity-saving necessities I needed as a mother. Because even though we don’t all drive minivans, as moms, one thing’s for sure: we spend a lot, and I mean a lot of time in our cars. It’s our second home of sorts, which means we need to stock that thing from front end to rear bumper in order to stave off any/all emergencies our lives (and kids) will dish out on the road. Besides, being prepared is crucial to reducing our stress and keeping this game of motherhood manageable. Amen?

So what type of items should we keep on hand? And better yet, what’s really necessary to have for emergencies and the like?

I’m so glad you asked.

In my recently released book, Confessions of a Wonder Woman Wannabe: On a Mission to Save Sanity, One Mom at a Time, I address this very question by providing in-depth lists of the numerous necessities we need to outfit our cars with. Because when you think about it, we moms need a lot more than ten gauze pads, two Band-Aids, and a vat of antibacterial ointment to keep our sanity in check, correct? In fact, we need a customized-collection of sanity-saving supplies that’ll address every sort of mommy emergency, and then some.

We need a Cuckoo Prevention Kit.

Wanna know more? Allow me to suggest (and briefly touch on) just a few of the items we need to keep in our cars at all times:

The Cuckoo Prevention Kit

Vomit Receptacles: Enough said.

Food & Drink: I’m always hungry…and so are my kids. Keep non-perishable snacks and drinks on hand.

Change of Clothes: For each of your children, preferably in the correct sizes.

Wet Wipes/Hand Sanitizer: I should own stock in both of these items. Seriously.

Boredom Busters: If you don’t bust your children’s boredom by being prepared ahead of time, it will definitely bust you. Try having some activities stocked and ready to go in your car at all times.

Spare Change: In case of emergency…like a Starbuck’s run or something.

Feminine Hygiene: Ugh. It happens each and every month so we might as well be prepared and keep some supplies just in case they’re needed.

Travel-Size EVERYTHING: Hit the travel aisle at your local grocer and stock up on these miniature sanity-savers. Hey, you never know when you might need something–deodorant, lotion, aloe vera-you name it and they’ve got it!

Chocolate: A small stash of chocolaty goodness may just be what we girls need after an adventure in the mommyhood. Keep a small supply stored in your kit (and maybe under lock and key). Yum.

Travel Potty: Because Mother Nature tends to “call” at all the wrong times. Better have one of these in your trunk just in case.

The Bible: Whether it’s the actual Bible or your favorite verse from Scripture, you need some form of God’s word in your car at all times. Use it to refresh, recharge, and renew as often as possible.

Yep. There’s no denying that our vehicles have become our home on wheels. And as most of us moms can attest to, once our kids reach a certain age, we spend the majority of our time chauffeuring them back and forth from one activity to another. But by equipping your cars with just some of the supplies mentioned above, those days of crazed chaos within your vehicle may be long gone.

And “Amen” for that!

How about you? What sanity-saving supplies are “must-haves” in your car?

 

As a self-proclaimed (and slightly crazed) Wonder Woman Wannabe herself, Jenny Lee Sulpizio is a Christian wife and mother to three amazing kiddos. After hanging up her star-spangled bloomers (and that restrictive red corset) a few years back, Jenny now spends most of her “spare” time dishing out the latest in tips, hints, and practical advice when it comes to guiding other mommies through the trenches of motherhood. And when she isn’t cooking, cleaning, starting her latest load of laundry, or attempting to raise her kids right (as in manner-possessing, respectful, God-loving little tikes), Jenny can usually be found writing about it instead. Through her children’s books, personal website, blogs, and as a contributing writer for the online supersite(s), The MOB Society and Moms Together, there’s always plenty of information to relate to, and a whole lot of comic relief to go around.

To follow Jenny, read her blog, or to learn more about her books, please visit http://www.jennyleesulpizio.com.

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/jennyleesulpizio.author

Reader Question: I Want to Stop Sleeping with My Boyfriend, But What if He Won’t Marry Me?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question that I received, and then take a stab at answering it.

Today’s question is definitely from God, because I got FIVE variations of it in one 24 hour period. So I know God wants me to write about it. Here’s a snapshot of two of them (the others are pretty similar):

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We agreed that we wouldn’t have sex until we were married, but one year into our relationship we started sleeping together. We stopped going to church. But lately I’ve felt God calling me back. I decided that we really needed to stop having sex, and I told him, but he’s really upset with me. Does God want me to lose what’s most important to me? How can I make my boyfriend understand?

Here’s another:

I’ve been living with a man for seven years. Two years ago we both became Christians. I felt very convicted that we should get married, but my boyfriend says that he was married before (we both were), and he’s never doing that again. We’ve tried counseling and all kinds of things, but he won’t set a date. What should I do?

Here are a few thoughts:

You already know the answer.

No matter how you ended up at this blog post–whether you were one of the initial letter writers, or you searched Google, or you followed a link from Pinterest–you had that same question: “how do I make my relationship right with God?” And if you’re asking the question, you already know the answer. It’s just that it’s really hard to accept.

I understand that.

But that voice that’s telling you, “what you’re doing isn’t right” is God’s voice. He’s trying to woo you back. He wants you to do what’s right. And having sex before you’re married isn’t right. It’s not because God’s mean, either. It’s because He honestly wants what’s best for us.

If you were comfortable with the way things were, you wouldn’t be asking the question. So the question really isn’t “should I stop sleeping with my boyfriend?” You already know the answer is yes. The crisis you’re likely having is this one: “what about my relationship? Will I lose him?” Let’s look at that.

You can’t take a bad route to a happy ending

You want that happy ending: you want to be married to a guy who loves you and respects you and will be a great dad for your kids. You want to be married to someone that can cherish you and that you can love and share your heart with.

But here’s the thing: you aren’t going to get there using the wrong route.

Yes, occasionally people live together, and get married, and then both turn right with God together and they end up blissfully happy. Certainly that does happen, and you’re hoping that it will happen with you.

But usually that’s because NEITHER of them knew the right thing to do at the time, and then BOTH of them came to God together. It wasn’t that one person was deliberately tuning out God’s voice.

So let’s take a step back for a second and examine what you want: you want someone who loves you, respects you, and shares your heart. Yet if your boyfriend isn’t willing to value your opinion and honour your deeply held beliefs, does he respect you? Does he share your heart? Does he love you?

If he doesn’t respect you and love you now, he will not suddenly start respecting and loving you once you’re married. Believe me, I get so many OTHER emails from women who married in exactly your situation. They loved the guy, but the relationship wasn’t a good one, and they hoped that marriage would fix it. It doesn’t. It just magnifies all those problems. I wish I could put these letter writers together with the women who are in agony ten years into the marriage, because I think it would be very illuminating. If he doesn’t respect you now, he won’t respect you then. He just won’t. And he won’t suddenly become the kind of man that you want. So there is no point in just waiting around, hoping that one day he’ll marry you, because marrying you won’t fix those problems.

Besides, if he won’t set a date now, what makes you think he will in five years? In ten years? I have known women who have lived with the same guy from age 25 to age 40. They missed out on their childbearing years, because they kept thinking, “next year he’ll marry me and we can start a family.” It never happened.

If he won’t move out (or stop sleeping together) until you’re married, and set a date for the wedding, then he is not a stable person who loves you and respects you. You won’t get what you want from him.

To wrestle through this more, Gary Thomas has written a book that I can’t recommend enough called The Sacred Search. He talks about what you should look for in a mate, and how the mate’s CHARACTER is the most important ingredient for a happy marriage. It’s a great read!

Do the right thing

So I would encourage you to do the right thing. If you’re living with him, move out. If you’re sleeping with him, stop.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you break up. It could be that he will agree with you. But take that time apart to really examine your relationship and make sure it’s a good one. Sex confuses things. It makes us feel closer than we otherwise would, and it bonds us together. It can obscure what are obvious problems. So don’t just move out and then rush into marriage. Take at least a few months to work on spending time together doing things OTHER than sex, and see if you still feel the same way about him.

Remember: if he is the one that God has for you, then the relationship will survive the split, and will in fact grow deeper and better, because you’re doing the right thing. God blesses you when you do the right thing. So moving out won’t end a good relationship; if it’s a good relationship, it will survive. Moving out will only end a bad relationship, and even though that may hurt now, in the long run, it is so, so much better.

What about Kids?

Here’s a twist in the problem, though. Here’s another letter, with an added element:

A year ago I moved in with my boyfriend. It was supposed to be a prelude to marriage–we just hadn’t set the date because we weren’t sure of his work schedule. Now we’re still not married, and there’s still no date, but in the meantime I’ve had a daughter. I know what we’re doing is wrong, but what should I do? I don’t want to hurt my daughter.

In this case, there are children to consider. I take that very seriously. I firmly believe that children should grow up with two parents. So I’m a little more ambivalent about this one. But here’s what I would say:

God does not ask us to sin in order to save another person. He is not saying to you, “keep living with him and sleeping with him for the sake of your daughter.” What He is asking you to do is trust Him: Trust Him that if you do the right thing, God will be there for you AND your daughter. It may be that your boyfriend changes his mind and gets serious about his family. Or it may be that God has another future for you. But He will carry you, and He will be enough for both of you.

Canvas Plaque from Dayspring.com

So I would move out, and I would tell him that you will no longer sleep with him until you are married. Your daughter needs the stability of married parents. If he agrees, and sets a date, I would seriously consider going through with the marriage, even if he isn’t an ideal husband, because you have already had a child with him. Obviously if abuse or alcoholism or porn is involved, you should take a step back. But all of this is still dependent on you stopping the relationship the way it is now. God is asking you to stop; that’s why He’s been nudging you. He wants to take the situation you’re in and redeem it. I don’t know how He will do that; it may be with this man, or it may be that God will plant you in the middle of a Christian community that will be there for you and help you raise your daughter. But I do know that He does not ask us to keep sinning.

Pray Lots

Pray Print from Dayspring.com

Pray a ton right now. Turn to Scripture and start reading it regularly. Go to church and get some support around you. You’re going to need it! Doing the right thing is always hard. But I do know that God honours it. He really does.

This will likely be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Your heart is breaking. But it is better to do the right thing, and to do it early, than to drag out something that you know is wrong and is leading you down a bad road.

I pray that you will have the courage and the trust to listen to God.

Do any of you have any words of advice? Have you ever been there? Let’s encourage each other in the comments!

// ]]>

Is Porn the New Smoking?

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week let’s talk about the slippery slope of our culture.

Plane rides as a young child were always filled with trepidation for me. It wasn’t crashing that I was afraid of. It was being assigned the first row in the “no smoking” section–meaning that the row right in front of you was lighting up. In the 1970s half the population smoked.

A few decades earlier King George VI was even told to smoke for his health. It would keep him less stressed, and would help his stuttering problem. Unfortunately, he died in his fifties of complications from smoking.

It wasn’t too long ago, then, that smoking was considered harmless, and even kings did it. It was cool, it was fun, and it helped you relax! Today if you smoke you’re a pariah. Don’t you care about your health?

Smoking was once cool and widespread, but now it’s in disfavour. I wonder if porn will follow the same trajectory, because it has all the same ingredients. People think it’s cool. It’s a way to relax! It’s harmless.

And yet, drip by drip, little by little, researchers are starting to realize how destructive it can actually be, both to relationships and to the person using porn him or herself. Porn rewires the brain so that what becomes arousing isn’t a person; it’s an image. And pretty soon arousal requires that stimulus. Being with a live human being isn’t enough anymore.

In fact, sex and relationship counselor Ian Kerner reports on a new term for this–Sexual Attention Deficit Disorder, or SADD. Consume enough porn, and not only do you find making love with a person boring; often men aren’t even able to function without the external stimulus.

Pornography actually works in the brain very similarly to the way cocaine does–except that it’s more addictive. Using porn releases the naturally occurring “pleasure” hormones dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin in high levels. The dopamine spike in the brain from porn lasts even longer than regular sex–even longer than cocaine. So you go from craving a real relationship to craving porn, at an even greater intensity than drug users crave drugs.

And unlike other drugs, which do leave the system, those images are imprinted there. Once you see something, it’s hard to get it out. Even if you want to just be romantic and concentrate on your spouse, these pictures flood back.

Those pictures give a dangerous message, too: sex is only about the physical, and never about an emotional connection. I worry that people are losing the ability to make love, and all they’re doing is having sex, with porn videos running through their heads the entire time. That’s not loving someone; that’s using someone.

Porn addiction is like any other addiction: eventually your body becomes accustomed to the stimulus, and you need more and more of it to achieve the same high. What started off as just watching women in bikinis can progress to watching violence, rape, and even child porn. Last month Ontario’s former deputy education minister, Benjamin Levin, who also worked on Premier Wynn’s transition team, was arrested on seven charges related to child pornography. This isn’t something that affects only the “seedy underside” of our society; it’s the well-connected and wealthy, too.

People who use porn are more likely to be unfaithful in marriage; more likely to start up an online “cyber affair”; more likely to lose their jobs; more likely to go bankrupt; and more likely to become severely depressed. And so perhaps it’s no surprise that, as Dr. Jill Manning testified before the U.S. Senate, porn use is now implicated in 56% of divorces.

Maybe you really think porn isn’t that bad. It’s fun, and only uptight people criticize it! Well, that’s what they used to think about smoking. And there’s a reason people stopped.

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Books to Help You Deal with Affairs in Your Marriage

I know many of you are in really rough places in your marriage, and you need some help.

I find myself getting lots of emails from women whose husbands are having affairs, or are heavily involved in porn, or are texting constantly with a woman. And these readers don’t know what to do.

And I also find myself recommending the same books to different people, over and over. And so I thought today that I’d put together a resource post of two of the best books I know of if your spouse is having an affair, or flirting with having an affair, or if you are trying to recover from an affair. I’ll likely add to this later, so if you have other favourites, leave them in the comments!

In the meantime, in no particular order, here we go:

Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson

In Love Must Be Tough, Dobson asks the question, “what do you do when only one person wants to save a marriage?” As a counselor, he says, he’s used to seeing couples. Two people walk into his counseling room, and they start talking about their issues.

Yet Dobson was finding that this model wasn’t really helpful to many people, because in most cases when a marriage goes sour, only one person wants to save it. The other seems content to let it go.

So what do you do if you’re the spouse who wants to save the relationship, and your spouse is having an affair, or is heavily addicted to porn, or is doing something else that is completely destructive to the relationship?

Dobson walks you through a process of “waking the other spouse up”, showing them the consequences of their actions. Most people, he says, when confronted with a wayward spouse, panic and try to bend over backwards, thinking that if they’re just nice enough, and if they’re just forgiving enough, and if they’re just sexy enough, the spouse will return. Actually, says Dobson, the exact opposite is true. Becoming a doormat is not going to save your marriage. Allowing your spouse to experience the repercussions of their actions and be jolted into doing the right thing is a better course of action.

And it’s also better for you spiritually. So he shows you how to rely on God during this time, how to make wise decisions for you and the kids, and how to leave the door open so that reconciliation is not only possible, but far more probable than if you turn yourself inside out for a cheating spouse. And if reconciliation doesn’t happen, you’re still in a stronger place with God, and you’re able to move forward.

A great book if you’re the one being treated horribly in your marriage.

Surviving an Affair

How do you end an affair? Can you rebuild after an affair? How do you learn to trust again?

Dr. Willard Harley Jr. and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers tackle these sticky problems in this excellent and practical book which walks couples through the recovery process.

They start the book with analyzing affairs and how they end, and I learned something important here: 95% of affairs which are exposed die a natural death within 2 years. In contrast, if affairs remain secret they can last decades. This makes sense to me. Once an affair is public, and it has to then be a real relationship, it likely won’t last because it’s built on such a shaky foundation. But if it remains in secret, it’s really just a fantasy. It has nothing to do with real life. And you can carry on a fantasy for a long time.

So if a spouse learns of an affair, chances are that affair will end.

And that’s what the Harleys insist upon–if you want an affair to end, you MUST cut off all contact, cold turkey. They walk you through how to do that, sharing different stories that are poignant, that all readers will relate to. They talk about what to do if your spouse won’t cut off contact. And they talk about how practically to make sure that the person involved in the affair can no longer reach you–even if you have to change emails and phone numbers. And they strongly recommend switching jobs if the affair was with a co-worker.

They walk couples through how to be accountable with their time and money, so that the other spouse knows that they can trust again. And then, and only then, do they start to rebuild the relationship.

And if the offending spouse refuses to end the affair? They walk you through how to expose it–because it expose it you must. They say:

Reality has a way of bursting the bubble of illusion, and an affair is one of the biggest illusions that anyone can experience in life. It’s based almost entirely on emotions with almost no logic to support it.

That fact becomes clear when children, employers, clergy, family, and friends all hear abou tthe affiar. Because they are not in the fog, they see the affair for what it really is: the cruelest, most devastating, and seflish act anyone can ever inflct on a spouse. With so many people seeing the situation logically and not emotioanlly, the unfaithful spouse has an opportunity to be advised and influenced by these people. Furthermore, the betrayed spouse gains support when he or she needs it the most.

If that doesn’t work, they walk you through Plan B, showing how having the unfaithful spouse face true consequences often jars them into reality.

When the spouse does want to rebuild, they walk through the psychological drama that often accompanies it–the unfaithful spouse suffering withdrawal; the innocent spouse desperate to rebuild RIGHT NOW.

They spend the rest of the book talking about the concept of Love Banks: how we are to avoid withdrawals, and try to make as many deposits as possible during this turbulent time. And they’re really practical about it.

That’s what I like about this book–it’s super practical, and it tells you exactly what to do in each situation to rebuild your marriage and deal appropriately with a wayward spouse. And reading through it, I felt hope, even for desperate couples. It really can be done. I highly recommend Surviving an Affair.

Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc.

Available at your favourite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

Wifey Wednesday: Setting Boundaries with Your Parents

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

I’m taking an extended break this summer to get some serious writing done (working on two books and a new edition of a third), so I’m reposting some items from a few  years ago, before this blog had much traffic. I thought many of you could relate to this dilemma:



One of the biggest sources of conflict in marriage is the relationship with the couple’s parents. It is all too easy for in-laws to drive a wedge between two people who otherwise love each other more than anyone else in the world. Our loyalty to our family sometimes takes precedence over what should be our primary loyalty to our spouse.

Now I have a great relationship with my in-laws. They have never tried to interfere, and as such we’ve always gotten along. We play cards together, we take vacations together, we laugh together. And my mother gets along with my mother-in-law, too, although the two could not be more different. But everybody in my family has decided that it is best just to get along. It’s easier for everyone. So we let things go, and we have fun.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way in all marriages. Many people, when they get married, still feel closely tied to their parents–even if their parents weren’t great parents. In fact, especially if their parents weren’t great. We’re still looking to be approved by them.

After one Wifey Wednesday recently, I received an email from a woman who’s in a difficult situation. Here it is, in a nutshell (I’m summarizing because I don’t want to give identifying details away):

She and her husband have been promised the family farm, at some date in the future. So for now, they live for free in a run-down abode on the land where her parents live in a wonderful, big, comfy farmhouse. The husband (the son-in-law) works on the farm all day. And one day they will get everything.

But this “one day” has never been spelled out. And meanwhile, the house is so tiny, and it’s really pretty gross (single men with cats with incontinence issues used to have the run of the place). No matter how hard you try to clean, it’s stained. And it’s tiny. And there are small kids everywhere. What do you do?

She asks, “Also, any advice on how to talk to my parents about this without sounding like I feel entitled to something? Any time I mention it they tell me that they’ve lived in worse with more kids. The whole “I walked uphill to school both ways” speech.”

Then she says:

My mom is very uptight about her house. She says she’s not attached to it but then in the next breath she says that she wouldn’t change her life or leave even if she felt God calling her to Romania to be a missionary or something. I think that the only thing my parents owe us is some plans. We plan to work hard for the farm and don’t expect it to be handed over to us. But it would just be really nice to know that we are actually working toward a goal on paper (my parents don’t believe in writing down their goals/plans, though the succesion planner is making them do exactly that).

As for the “started from nothing,” I’ve mentioned to them “didn’t you do that to give your kids a better life?” Or “did you like living in that house with 3 little kids?” To which the response is usually something like “we didn’t have a choice.”

Here’s a dynamic that’s very common in families. The parents want to keep some sense that the children are indebted to them, and so they promise something–we will give you a house, we will give you a business, we will baby-sit for you, we will lend you money–but nothing is ever actually specified. They want to keep you on your toes, and they want to have you come to them, asking for something, so that they can still feel indispensable.

It’s like the story of Jacob and Laban. Laban told Jacob that if he worked for him for 7 years, he could marry Rachel. So he worked, and got Leah. Then he was told, “just another 7 years.” So he did that, too. Then Laban continued to treat Jacob as if he should somehow be indebted to his father-in-law, until God miraculously put a stop to the whole dysfunctional charade. But Laban wanted to keep Jacob there, under his thumb.

Parents don’t always do this because they’re mean. Often they’re just insecure. You’re the baby, and you’re leaving, and you were their whole life. Does this mean they’re not worth as much anymore? And so they continue to get their identity from you needing them. So they say they’ll baby-sit, and you don’t even need to worry, you go ahead and find the job, but then when you do find the job, your mother acts as if you’re imposing on her, and she sighs, and says, “well, I have a life, too, you know. But I’ll do it because I have to.” If you had known that would have been her reaction, you would have stayed home or arranged for other childcare. But you took her at her word, and now she’s making you feel guilty.

Or what about this woman from the email? She’s been told she’ll have the family farm, but in the meantime, the parents expect her to live in a shack and be grateful. So what’s the answer?

First, we need to be clear what “leaving” means.

Leaving means that your parents no longer owe you anything.

You are an adult. Your father does NOT owe you the family farm (even if it has always been passed on). Your mother does NOT owe you baby-sitting, even if every other grandma you know helps with baby-sitting. Your parents do NOT owe you a downpayment, even if they’ve always promised it. You are an adult, and you should stand on your own two feet. Therefore, you should be completely prepared and at peace to live without any help at all.

Then, if they do offer help, and you decide you want it (it’s hard to pass up a family farm), you can approach them in a better way. You can say something like this:

That is very generous of you. I so respect what you have done to build up the business, and I would be honoured to take it over. I will always be grateful for this. So can we sit down and write out what the expectations and time-lines are, so that I can plan and be responsible for my family?

If they take offense that you’re asking for an end-date, or for something in writing, then you can say,

I never meant to cause offense. I do so appreciate the offer. It’s just that I have to plan for my family. We have to have a clear sense of where we’re going and what is required of all of us. If you can’t do that, because you haven’t decided yet, that is entirely your prerogative. You don’t owe me anything, and I completely understand. So I’m grateful for the offer, but I’ll have to decline. But if you ever do want to talk about details, I would love to still be considered.

See?

Draw boundaries around the relationship.

You’re acknowledging that it’s their farm–or business, or money, or time, or whatever the issue is–and you don’t have a right to it. This is their generosity. But you’re also saying that, as a new family, you have certain needs, too. And if they can’t mesh, you’ll have to decline the offer. And you must be willing to do that–decline the offer.

So many couples have lived in awful conditions, in awful accommodations, working slave hours, because of a vague understanding that “one day all this will be yours”. But really the parents are just taking advantage of you or trying to control you or keep you attached to them. It’s not healthy. What happens is that you get frustrated with your spouse because you don’t have anything that’s truly yours. And then your spouse gets frustrated at your parents, at which point you get frustrated at your spouse for being mad at your parents, even though you’re mad at them, too. And the whole thing just spirals into silliness.

When it comes to parents, those two truths need to be kept in mind: once you’re married, they honestly don’t owe you anything. And once you’re married, the welfare of your own nuclear family comes first. That can be hard to digest if your parents are wealthy. You may really want some of their things, or their business. But it isn’t worth wrecking your marriage over.

Perhaps it isn’t about money. Perhaps it’s just your mother calling three times a day “just to talk”, but really she’s getting in the way of your marriage. Or perhaps your father still won’t talk to your husband, except through you. These things need to end. You are to leave your parents, and build your own family.

So, with that being said, what advice would you give to this woman who does honestly want the farm, but is finding it very difficult to live in this dirty, rundown home? Or do you have another dilemma with in-laws to share with us? Let’s talk in the comments, or write your own Wifey Wednesday post and link up the URL to THAT POST below. Be sure to link back here so other people can read these great posts!

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Using Tomatoes in Ways That Kids Will Eat Them: From California Tomato Growers

 

A few weeks ago I was asked to talk about California tomatoes. They sent me a HUGE box of tomatoes to use in any recipe I wanted, as long as I could tell you all how great they are. And since my family LOVES tomatoes, I jumped at the chance. These tomatoes are all field-grown in an ideal climate–warm days, cool nights–which helps produce a full, meaty flavour. And they’re available fresh in Canada from May to November. One medium tomato has 35% of the daily value of Vitamin C, and no sodium, so it’s got a powerful health punch. (Learn more about California Tomato Farmers’ tomatoes here, or check out their Facebook Page).

But first, a little bit of background. I haven’t always adored tomatoes. In fact, for most of my life I hated them. As a kid I wouldn’t even eat spaghetti sauce. I had my noodles with just butter. And the thought of having a big tomato slice on a sandwich or a hamburger made me nauseated. But as a mom, I’ve tried to feed my family healthy food on the whole. But with tomatoes, I just couldn’t handle the idea of “chunks”. So when the kids were little, I would chop tomatoes up using a Pampered Chef food chopper really, really tiny, and add a tomato to every tin of spaghetti sauce that I cooked. That way we were getting some fresh vegetables (I know tomatoes are really fruits, but come on), and it made the spaghetti sauce go farther.

And if the tomato was chopped really small, no one could tell it was there. I did the same thing with carrots, mushrooms, and celery, by the way. Just chop them really small and add them to the beef in shepherd’s pie, spaghetti, lasagna, or just about anything. Almost every time I use ground beef I also chop up a tomato, several carrots, and several mushrooms to bulk it up and make the meat go farther.

I even used to put tomatoes in a blender to add to things. It takes no time at all, and it makes what you’re cooking so much healthier. So if I’m making beef soup, for instance, and it calls for a tin of tomatoes, I just throw a fresh tomato in the blender, whirl it around, and I’m good to go. Making an alfredo sauce? Just add a blended up tomato to it for a rose sauce that tastes yummy. And there’s not the sodium you get from canned tomatoes. The real breakthrough with tomatoes for me, though, came about 3 years ago when I went to a party for Victorian Epicure, a home-based company selling herb and spice mixes. They carry this salsa spice mix that you simply add to cut-up tomatoes. You chop the tomatoes in tiny pieces, add 2 heaping tsp of the salsa mix, and a splash of lemon juice. It takes no time at all. And it is SO GOOD!

My daughters and I probably go through at least 1 1/2 tomatoes of this stuff a day. The only problem is that it’s spoiled me. I can’t eat canned salsa anymore. Seriously–we prefer salsa and tortilla chips to any other junk food. And I figure, if you’re going to eat chips, you may as well eat a fresh tomato with it!

But once I started eating salsa like that, I realized that perhaps I do like tomatoes–even if they’re in chunks. And weirdest of all, my oldest daughter, who is the pickiest eater in our family, has realized she likes them, too. Here’s one of her favourite meals.

Tortilla Chicken Pizza: One California tomato, chopped finely with the food chopper; one chicken breast; grilled sprig of basil; one tortilla shell; and shredded mozzarella cheese.

Broil it in the oven for a few minutes, and it’s all done. That’s it. It’s super healthy, and she really enjoys it. I’d add garlic to it myself, but like I said–she’s picky. She’ll even be the one to cook it!

Here’s one of mine that’s super simple:

 

-one California tomato, chopped finely in a food chopper

-sprig of basil

-splash of lemon juice

-1/4 cup chicken stock (replenish as necessary when you’re cooking to keep this a little liquidy)

-1 tbsp butter

-3 cloves garlic (I like garlic)

-10 frozen shrimp

-1/3 cup mushrooms

-sliced angel hair pasta for 2

Melt butter in a non-stick skillet and add garlic. Simmer until it smells amazing, and then add everything but the shrimp and pasta. Boil it down a little bit, and then add the shrimp. Cook only until shrimp are done.

In a medium saucepan, prepare angel hair pasta. Then just mix the two together!

Katie and I often have this for lunch on weekdays, because it really doesn’t take very long. What I’ve found now is that tomatoes are one of the foods that I just always have around. They’re a staple. They’re our go-to snack food with salsa, and they’re my go-to food for adding liquid and bulking up sauces. One of the coolest things about blogging is that I get to review and use great products, and I have big plans for the 50 tomatoes currently sitting in our little bar fridge in the basement. So cool! So thank you to the California Tomato Farmers, most of whom are multi-generational farming families, for sending me tomatoes. I’m going to make more salsa now.

 What are your favourite easy recipes using tomatoes? How do you get them into your kids’ diet? Let me know in the comments!

ONE commenter will win a serrated tomato knife and cutting board. 

Rules:

No duplicate comments.

You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:

a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post

“b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the

following unique term in your tweet message: “”#SweepstakesEntry”"; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post”

c) Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post

d) To enter without commenting, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US and Canadian Residents (excluding Quebec) age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 8/6/2013 – 8/31/2013

Be sure to visit the California Tomato Farmers Page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ reviews and find more chances to win!

Reader Question: What’s Up with All Your Commenters?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. I’ve dealt with what to do if your spouse doesn’t find you attractive, when your husband isn’t a spiritual leader, how to prevent an emotional affair, and tons of others.

But today’s question is a little different.

Last week I published a post on family vacations and sex–what do you do if you’re in a small space with a bunch of kids? Is romance out for the week? And basically I said, if you have a good marriage at home, and you’re making sure to get away as a couple periodically, it really is okay to take a week and just focus on being parents, with the occasional quickie if you can manage it. Being in close quarters with children just makes sex difficult, and honestly, sometimes it’s time just to be parents.

I thought that was reasonable, and the vast majority of readers did as well, though some mentioned some creative ways to make love when you’re traveling.

But a few men commented, and one in particular made quite a big deal out of the fact that women would even dream of going on a vacation where sex was not stressed. One man said that to him, sex was 75% of the appeal of the vacation.

I let those comments through, though I debated them.

Then the emails started to come from women. For instance, here’s how some women reading this whole thread interpreted it:

My husband has recently battled a porn addiction and he hasn’t watched porn for over a year. But instead he just talks about sex and talks dirty to me all the time, even when other people are around. We’ll be out at a state campground fishing for tadpoles with the little boys and he’ll lean in and say something really sexually over the top about me. And I can’t understand why he doesn’t get that it’s totally gross to be sex-crazed in front of little kids! Why can’t he just leave it until a better time?

But maybe all men are like that. I read these comments and I’m just left thinking, “God really did make men pigs.” They can’t control themselves. They can’t ever just be a dad and wait for a better time. And I’m just in tears. I want a man who will respect me for me, and who I can make love to, not someone who is always talking about what he wants to do with my boobs. I’m just exhausted. But I guess all men are like that.

I understand where this woman is coming from, because I get some of those thoughts after reading some comments on this blog and many of the emails I receive. There are days when I have to mentally prepare myself, half an hour before my husband gets home, and tell myself, over and over, “Keith is not like these guys. Keith is a good man who truly loves me.” But if you weren’t sure that you had such a good guy–if you were struggling in your marriage as this woman is, and then you read all of those comments, those comments can really make your marriage worse.

And that’s where I’m struggling as a blogger.

There are a handful of men who comment on this blog and leave WONDERFUL, uplifting comments. There’s one I’m thinking of in particular who is in his 70s, and he has sent through lovely bits of encouragement of things that he has learned in his marriage. There are others who have left comments who are really struggling because their wives are truly being difficult in their marriage, and the men want to love their wives and do the right thing, and they really need advice and encouragement. I hope that I can help (and indeed, I’m planning on another post to write for these men to show their wives, because I’ve had a number of requests for it. I do have one here, but I’ll write another one).

But then there are some who comment a lot who seem to have their own agenda, and I can’t quite figure out what it is.

One of the common themes seems to be that women need to have sex lots in their marriage–something that I agree with and that I’ve written a ton about–including in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and in 31 Days to Great Sex (and here’s a post on how often married couples should make love).

But they often comment telling me that I don’t stress sex enough, and last week’s post was an example of that. However, that’s not the only post where it’s come up. When I wrote that men shouldn’t demand sex during a woman’s period or for the six weeks after childbirth, I was taken to task for that. When I wrote that “do not deprive” does not mean that a woman can’t refuse sex ever, I was taken for task for that. When I wrote that not all porn use is caused by wives refusing to have sex (and indeed most husbands’ porn addictions today predate the marriage), I was taken to task for that.

Things that to me are about common sense, and balance, are constantly put down. And after I received close to a dozen emails and Facebook messages specifically about the comments on that camping post last week–I’ve never had that happen before in one day–I realized I had to change the way I do things.

I believe that this blog is a ministry, and I want to help people in their marriages. In fact, I would sum up my mission statement on this blog like this:

Pointing women towards the goal of fulfilling, intimate relationships with God first, their husbands second, and their kids third. Helping women find the joy in marriage again, specifically by pointing them to the importance of intimacy of all types: physical, spiritual, and emotional.

That’s what I want to do.

And I believe that I do that in my posts. People may disagree with me; they may think I don’t emphasize submission in marriage enough, or I don’t talk about sex enough. But then, you see, they’re coming with their own agenda.

It is fine to have your own agenda, but I do not have to give people room to push their agenda, especially if the way that they push it directly contradicts my mission. Last week, by letting many of those comments through, I think that I violated my mission, as is evidenced from that woman’s viewpoint. She was already struggling, and these comments made her situation worse, not better. I certainly don’t mind putting up comments that disagree with me (take a look at the submission post, for instance), but I don’t want to put up comments that I believe will be harmful to women who are already struggling and reading this blog.

I understand that some of my male commenters are very passionate about marriage in their own way, and I truly don’t think that these men understand how their comments come across to the hurting women who are reading them. I think these men think they are being helpful, whereas from what I know about women, and about the women who read this blog, they are not.

The problem last week was that I let the comments go on too much–I should have let one through and then left it at that. When only a few guys comment, and they comment A LOT, the impression given is certainly that “all men are like that”.

There is etiquette in parts of the blogging community that you just let all comments through–whether you agree with them or not. Political blogs tend to do that. Opinion blogs do that. They’re for debates.

I originally thought I would do that, but I’m starting to realize that it can be detrimental to my mission. I’m not just writing a blog for people to post their opinions–I’m really honestly trying to help marriages. And if the comments don’t do that, then I have to rethink my comment policy.

I have so many women emailing me now saying they want to comment, but they find the comment section so nasty. And that’s not really helpful towards creating the kind of community I want here.

I’m sorry if I inadvertently hurt any of you last week. And so I’ve decided to not let any more comments through from that household.

But now I’d like YOU to help ME.

I’ve been thinking about this whole issue of community–how we can build one more, and how we can encourage one another. I WANT lots of comments that encourage each other, and even lots of comments with suggestions and “here’s what worked for me” things. I even want comments that challenge people politely and gently. I just don’t want anymore comments that I feel are very harmful to women who are struggling.

I want to create a place where those of you who DON’T comment will feel safe commenting. So ESPECIALLY if you haven’t commented before, can you leave one now and tell me what I can do to make this blog community more welcoming for you? I really do want to work at creating a helpful community, and if many of you all are afraid of commenting, or steer away from the comments section in fear of what you will read, I’m obviously not doing my job.

But I’m also thinking that maybe we could build more of a safe community vibe if we could come up with a name for those of us who are here at this blog, trying to improve our marriages. You know how some bloggers give names to their readers? I’d like to give us names. I just can’t think of any. I don’t want the name to be anything to do with MY name–like Sheilaites, or something like that. I don’t want it to be about me, but about marriage.

Here’s one that WOULDN’T work, but gives the kind of feel I’m thinking of: HotMamas. It wouldn’t work because we’re not all Mamas, and I’m sick of emphasizing “hot”. But that kind of cute thing. So that I can ask questions at the end of posts, like, “What do all you XXs think?”

And I want this SO badly I’ll give $50 worth of products to whoever comes up with the winning name! I’ll leave this thread open for a week and then I’ll put up my favourites here and on Facebook so we can vote on it.

So leave me a comment, telling me:

1. How can we make this more of a safe community, with a great comment section? AND

2. What name should we use for all of us?

Thanks so much! Eager to see your responses.