Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 229

Ignite the Fire of Your Kindness

Ignite the Fire Christian Marriage Series

It’s time for our Ignite the Fire Marriage blog series, with three bloggy friends! We’re all writing on the same topic today, so you can read this post and then follow the links to see their unique take on how we can ignite the fire in our marriages.

Today we’re talking about kindness in marriage.

A few weeks ago I was having a really bad day. I had a ton of work to get through and everything kept going wrong. I was mildly annoyed at my kids for not stepping up and cleaning the house for me when I was busy. My husband had been on call a lot and wasn’t really home. And I had errands to do.

And as I walked into the drug store, this dear older gentleman held the door open for me, and said, “Have a wonderful day, ma’am.”

It was such a small thing. But he was smiling, and I found myself smiling, too. And I thought: there is good in the world.

It’s amazing how a small thing–a little thing even–can change the whole dynamic in your emotional state.

And yet it’s these little things that we often have the most trouble with. Instead of just pouring him a glass of cold water when he’s sitting exhausted on the couch, we fret and stew in the kitchen wondering why he doesn’t take the initiative to talk more.

We tend to focus on what we’re upset at him for, not on what we can do just to make his day a little bit easier. And then we start thinking in terms of “he doesn’t deserve it.” We see things too often in terms of “deserve”.

Now perhaps you don’t do this. Perhaps you’re not particularly angry at your husband, but nevertheless you don’t tend to do these little things, either. You’re caught up in your to-do list, and what you’re thinking about, and you feel as if he should be caught up in his, too. Having to do something little for him is just adding to the things on your list, not taking them away.

Yet I want to give you this thought:

Success in marriage is less about worrying about the big things as it is about doing the small things, day after day.

(click to tweet that!)

It’s those small things that make him feel ten feet tall. It’s those small acts of kindness that say, “I’m thinking about you.” It’s those small things that make him so glad that he’s married to you.

And if you could do those small things, why wouldn’t you?

Even if you’re going through a tough time in your marriage, and you feel really distant, doing these small things can help you see the marriage in a different light, and help him feel more positively, too. When we act kindly, we tend to feel and think kindly as well. It’s a win-win. And remember that kindness is not something that God gave to us because we deserved it. Kindness is something that God gave to us because He loves us. And He asks us to do the same thing for our husbands.

I often think of it like this: God is not just my Father; He’s also my Father-in-Law. Understanding that thought can change your marriage! God doesn’t just want the best for you; He wants the best for your husband, too. And maybe you are the primary way that God wants your husband to experience love and kindness on this earth. Maybe one of your main purposes in this life is to love him–just as his purpose is to love you. So why wouldn’t you?

If you want something more practical, I’ve got a great post on 25 Quick Ways to Show Your Husband Love. All of them take less than 5 minutes, cost little or nothing, and have nothing to do with sex (though I talk about sex a lot at other times!). Check them out!

But if we sprinkled more kindness into our marriages, we would change that whole dynamic. Speak kind words. Think about his preferences–for dinner, for instance. Think about what he appreciates–and then do these things. That’s a wonderful gift to give to him.

Ignite the Fire Challenge: Be intentional about showing your husband kindness this week. Think about 2 little things you can do to be kind to your husband–and then do them! Start making that a habit of doing 2-3 small things a day, for it’s the small things that a marriage is built on!

My three blogging friends have also written on this today, and you can see what they have to say, too!

Courtney from WomenLivingWell, Darlene from TimeWarpWife.com, and Jennifer from UnveiledWife.com have all written awesome posts on passion! Click on through to see what they have to say.

 

Join us next week when we talk about how to ignite the fire of vision in our marriages.

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Things That Stood out to Me This Week

Hope you’re enjoying a wonderful weekend!

Thought I’d share with you some neat stuff for weekend reading.

Interesting Posts:
Get Teenage Girls to Read This!

A mom of sons writes an open letter to the teenage girls who post sketchy pictures of themselves on Facebook. It’s really tastefully done, and it’s wonderful! Check it out.

I wrote a column on a similar topic a while ago–Too Young to be Hot.

What Was Hard About Leaving and Cleaving–For You?

Blog reader Ngina Otiende wrote a great post about her disappointment in her family after her engagement. They didn’t get on board the way she wanted them to. I have some disappointments about my engagement days, too–I was the first in a circle of friends to get married, and my family members were all younger, so I didn’t get the typical “girls’” bridal shower that we all look forward to.

But letting those things make us upset is really unhelpful. Read her take here! And special thanks to Ngina for leaving this quote in the comments section this week:

She says that she got it from Beth at Messy Marriage, but Beth says she didn’t make up the quote, either. But both bloggers are awesome, so check them both out! Beth has a great series going on right now for those in Desperate Marriages, and I’d encourage you to read it.

The 4 Reasons People Don’t Go to Church

So a massive survey was conducted, asking people who never go to church why they never go to church. Here are the top four reasons. Honestly, I think many of these are copouts. But they’re there nonetheless, and the question incumbent on those of us in the church is: what do we do about it? Interesting food for thought.

Have You Read My Newsletters?

Every month I send out a bunch of newsletters–Marriage one week, Parenting the next, Homeschooling, etc. etc. You can sign up for them here.

I also try to do a theme for the newsletters every month, pointing at different posts that I’ve written on different subjects, many of which you may not have seen. I’ve got over 1700 posts on this blog, and if you’ve only been following me for a while, you likely missed a bunch!

So here are some links to recent newsletters:

Parenting: Raising Great Teens

Marriage: Resolving Conflict

Marriage: Appreciating Your Mate

Check them out–and don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss any!

I’m Knitting Again–What Are You Doing?

A distraught woman wrote in this week that she was really struggling in her marriage because her husband liked to watch movies on weekend nights to unwind, and she didn’t like watching movies. She wanted to do something together. And she found herself increasingly resentful.

I completely understand, but the problem is that getting bitter about something won’t work. And it’s not right. Instead, I suggested that she ask him to carve out time at other points during the week that they could spend together doing something fun, and then on the nights that he wanted to watch movies, she find another hobby she’d enjoy doing on her own. As long as you are doing things together during the week, I think it’s okay to each have different interests and hobbies.



As for me, I knit! I always feel better when I’m knitting up a storm. And one of the designers I love is Stephanie Japel (I just finished knitting a dress pattern of hers), and she has a new Craftsy class where she’s teaching Knitting in the Round.

But if you’re not into knitting, they teach a ton of other things–including photography. Honestly, we all would do better if we decided to learn something that could give us a sense of creativity and accomplishment! And now you can learn in your own home. I think it’s so cool.

Bundle of the Week

I’ve been in several “bundle sales” this year with my book 31 Days to Great Sex, and the response has been phenomenal! I love bundle sales because you get such a great deal–often about 80% off what the ebooks would otherwise cost you.

Here’s something cool that the Bundle of the Week site is offering: If you like their bundles (they’re always $7.40 for 5 ebooks; a new bundle every week), you can buy a “credit pack” for 6 bundles, but you only pay for 5. So you get 1 free! And they’re introducing a way where you can store your ebooks on their website, rather than always having to download them, so you have access online any time with any device.

Check it out!

The post Things That Stood out to Me This Week appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Is It Time to Close Those Purse Strings?

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column talks about money and how we raise our kids to financial independence.

One of the hardest things about sending my daughter off to university last week was letting her use her debit card. We were in Ikea, shopping for her desk, and instead of saying, “don’t worry, I’ll just pay for it,” I stood back while she opened her wallet with a sigh and punched in her PIN code.

I’ve always thought that the role of a parent is to raise adults, not to raise kids. We’re supposed to be teaching kids to be independent (and that includes financially independent), so that, by the time they’re ready to leave home, they can stand on their own two feet.

My kids have been teasing me lately that I’ve been trying to get them out of the house since they were three, because at three, when we started allowances, we started the “jar” system: 10% for charity; 30% for splurge spending (mostly chocolate bars); 30% to save up for something they wanted; and 30% for university. We even had it marked on that little jar in crayon writing–”University”.

Maybe that’s a little unfair–I wouldn’t mind, after all, if the kids went to college instead, or if one of them had an excellent entrepreneurial idea they wanted to pursue. But regardless, I wanted my kids to think long-term–one day you’ll be on your own and you’ll have to pay your own way. Save money now, when you don’t have a lot of expenses.

And they have. Our system for paying for schooling goes like this: We figure out a budget and how much everything will cost, and then in September we deposit 70% of that figure into their bank accounts. They’re responsible for the remaining 30%. And if they run out, they have to get a job or figure out a loan (even if the loan is from us).

I’ll tell you whether it’s successful or not later, but so far I’m optimistic. Our kids at least know how to save money. The more important question is–do I know how to stop spending it? I want so much to take care of them, and I don’t want them to have to do without. And yet, when I look back on my own young adult days, I did without lots of things. It taught me how to budget and how to be responsible. So I need to take a deep breath, stop hyperventilating, and let my baby grow up.

I have a friend who has recently taken a job as a loans officer, and the thing that riles him the most is all the seniors who need consolidation loans because they’ve been bailing their irresponsible children out for the last few decades. And now these seniors are on limited incomes–often a smaller income than their wayward kids–and yet the kids are still showing up at the door asking for a handout.

Why do parents hand over money? Because we want to spare our children pain. We don’t want them to struggle. Yet as an adult, the biggest struggles we have tend to be those of our own making. When we continually make bad decisions, we end up with few job prospects, lousy relationships, and ruined hopes.

Helping steer your child away from bad decisions, then, is the best way to spare children pain. And that means letting them bear the consequences of their actions. If we do this in small doses, when they’re young, it’s easier. By the time they’re older, those consequences may be much larger. But unless we allow our kids to feel the full effect of what they are dong, they will keep doing it. And that helps no one.

So keep that wallet closed, take a deep breath, and say no. Yes, it’s hard. But everybody has to grow up sometime–including you.

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Is Looking At Porn Cheating?

Today,  please welcome guest post writer from Through the Fire, Lisa Hall-Wilson, as she shares her journey and thoughts about porn and its effects on marriage.

Is looking at porn cheating? You know I’ve got a few opinions on this because this question inevitably leads to – Is it OK to divorce him/her because of the porn? That’s a much bigger question.

I recently interviewed Canada’s Christian Sex Lady – Sheila Wray-Gregoire for an upcoming article. We got chatting briefly about porn and porn addiction. If you’ve been reading Through The Fire for a while, you know about my husband’s multi-year addiction to porn.

I thought there would be value in sharing my journey and thought-process of having lived through it.

Is looking at porn really cheating?

I’m not an expert on sex – don’t claim to be. I’m not a biblical scholar either. But I’ve lived this. My husband didn’t go out and find a prostitute, he didn’t commit adultery in the physical sense. The Bible says, “but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) NASB

Harsh, right.

The Bible calls it adultery, but society doesn’t. Society says looking at porn, assuming those involved in the production of it are consenting adults, is harmless. (I take issue with the ‘harmless’ label: From Men’s Health: “In a Utah State University study, for example, more than half of male users said looking at porn led to problematic outcomes—social, spiritual, psychological, or relational. These negative effects weren’t linked to viewing time—the men who watched porn frequently were just as likely to report problems as those who watched it less often.”)

But let me tell you this, as the spouse, it FEELS like cheating. He chose photo-shopped images and FICTION over me. He poured out his desire on them instead of me. He had no interest in me. The cycle of shame and guilt he lived with caused him to be explosively angry, verbally abusive at times, and distant. Now, I know that his addiction had nothing to do with me. His choice to turn to porn wasn’t because of my lack. Understanding the why of it lessens the sting, but at the end of the day you’re still facing the reality that there’s no trust or respect left for him.

So, if the Bible says it’s cheating, and qualified psychologists acknowledge that to the affected spouse it feels like cheating…

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…

As someone who lived through this, I considered it cheating. Would it have been worse if he’d physically gone out and committed adultery? I don’t know. In my case there wasn’t ‘the other woman’ instead I faced ‘hundreds of other women’ embedded in his memory and within easy access – though I never feared any of them would call, show up on the doorstep, or take him in if I kicked him out. Hope I never have to find out. But where does that first question inevitably lead spouses?

If viewing porn is cheating, does that make it grounds for divorce?

This was a question I wrestled with. I mean blood, sweat, tears, guts-on-the-floor wrestled with. The New Testament gives a couple of instances where divorce is allowable: abandonment, adultery, and many tack on abuse of any stripe. Death is the only instance the Bible states is cause for remarriage. (I only bring this up because it factored into my own thinking – this is not a comment on anyone’s decision.)

I felt I had biblical grounds for divorce if I wanted that, but I had to abandon any thought of remarrying. (I realize that not everyone would agree with my thinking, but this is where my conscience led me.)

Was I willing to spend the rest of my life (I was in my early 30′s at the time) alone, or could I maybe work this out? Ummm….. Being alone forever sounded pretty good. I was done with men and with relationships in general. But forever is a loooong time.

The story of Jesus saving the adulteress from stoning came to mind. The Bible gives us these words: “He straightened up, and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” (John 8:7) NASB

Could I honestly say I had NEVER entertained a lustful thought about a man who wasn’t my husband? But I’ve never looked at porn – assuming malicious pop-ups don’t count.That’s not the question. Have I ever entertained a lustful thought about another man? Yes, I’m guilty of that. Didn’t that also make me guilty of adultery in the biblical sense?Ummm…..

The other story that came to mind was the story of a king who was owed a large sum of money but he forgave the debt. The forgiven debtor then went to a man who owed him a much smaller sum. The forgiven debtor threw the second man in prison when he couldn’t pay. When the king learned of this he said, “I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?’” (Matthew 18: 32-33) NASB

The first man had been forgiven of a much bigger debt than the second man, but forgiveness is what was expected from both who held the debt regardless of the amount. How much had God forgiven me of? A LOT. ….Oooh (There are perhaps better examples of this principle, but this is the one that came to mind.)

If I could forgive my husband of this hurt, (and again, my conscience warned me that God would require this of me regardless) would I be willing to still be married to him?

Suddenly my self-righteousness lost its luster, the glitter flaked off, and I was left with the naked truth. When held to the biblical standard, was I any better than him? That didn’t diminish my hurt, or the work he had to do to make it right – not what I’m saying. But when we’re judged by the same stick, did I still have a case? Yes…and no.

That’s the journey my thoughts took which helped me decide to stay and not seek divorce. It was a lot of work to rebuild our relationship. Not a single bit of it was easy. That road was paved with hurt and tears and many sleepless nights. On the other side of it we’ve now got a history together that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

My decision seemed rather black and white because my husband was truly repentant. He earnestly sought professional help, he did the hard work of breaking the addiction and has stayed free of it. If that hadn’t been the case, the other evidence that influenced my decision still remained true, but it would have made my decision a lot more difficult.

It was my conscience, not my heart, that convinced me to stay. My conscience, and my desire to be obedient to the principles and moral code set out in the Bible as I understood them. Not everyone will agree with the path I chose to arrive at my decision, not everyone will make the same decision I did. And that’s OK.

Lisa Hall-Wilson has published over 70 articles in the Canadian faith-based market, is a syndicated columnist, and has won national awards for her writing. She blogs at www.lisahallwilson.com but you can find her hanging out on Facebook.

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Wifey Wednesday: 5 Ways to Ruin A Marriage

Every Wednesday we talk about marriage! Today, please welcome our guest author, Lindsey Bell, who is sharing an awesome word on guarding your marriage. And then feel free to link up your own marriage posts in the linky below.

My husband and I will celebrate our ninth anniversary next month. I know there are many who have been married for much longer than nine years, but for us, that’s an accomplishment. Because, let me tell you, years 5-9 have not been the easiest.

In year five, we had our first child together. Any of you with kids know how difficult adding a child into the family can be.

Then, in years seven-nine, we went through four consecutive miscarriages and an adoption. That’s a lot of stress for a three-year period.

Our marriage could have easily faltered under the stress (and it certainly came close at times), but we held on and are better for it.

One of the main reasons it didn’t falter is because we tried our best to avoid these common marriage pitfalls. I’m sharing them with you today in hopes that if you’re falling in to any of them, you’ll pull yourself out before it’s too late.

5 Surefire Ways to Ruin a Marriage:
1. Look to your spouse to fill the voids in your life.

When I first got married, I thought my husband Keith could meet all my needs. But I’ve finally come to accept the fact that he can’t.

He is my husband, not my girlfriend.

He is my husband, not my God.

God didn’t design our husbands to meet our every need. He designed them to complement us, yes, but not to complete us.

If you expect your husband to meet your every need for companionship, love, acceptance, etc, you’re setting yourself up for failure. No man, regardless of how wonderful he might be, is able to completely fill the voids of a woman.

 2. Compare your marriage to the marriages of those around you. 

It’s so easy to look at the marriages of those around us and wonder why ours can’t be “like theirs.” But here’s the thing: we only see a snippet of that other person’s marriage. And I can promise you, the things they advertise on Facebook or Twitter are their highlights. Not their struggles.

When we compare their highlight reel to our weaknesses, we are doomed for discontentment.

3. Allow your children to become your everything.

I’m a stay-at-home mother, so my kids are my life. I spend the majority of my time taking care of them, and when I’m not with them, I’m often thinking about them.

There’s nothing wrong with making your kids a priority, but there is something wrong with making them your primary priority.

The greatest gift you can give your children is a solid marriage. And the only way to maintain a solid marriage through the childrearing years is to keep your marriage as a priority.

So when your husband comes home from work, stop what you’re doing with the kids and greet him. When your husband is talking with you, don’t allow your children to constantly interrupt your conversation. Go on dates with him. Spend time with him without the kids around.

Make it clear to him (and to your kids) that you are his wife first and their mother second.

4. Stop dating your spouse.

It’s so easy to stop dating once we get married. Going on dates, especially after we have children, is work. Plain and simple. We have to plan the date, hire childcare, get the kids ready for the babysitter, make sure the babysitter knows all of our rules, pay a ridiculous amount of money to the babysitter, pay an even more ridiculous amount of money for dinner, and the list goes on.

Dating isn’t as carefree as it used to be, but it’s worth it because it is a great way to reconnect with your spouse without distraction. And for some busy families, it’s the only time a husband and wife really see each other of a week. The rest of the time is spent balancing various kids’ activities, work obligations, and church functions.

 5. Start building relationships with other people of the opposite sex.

When our marriage isn’t going well, it’s easy to look to another person and think things would be different with him or her.

If he were my husband, I’d have more help around the house.

If he were my husband, I’d finally be able to talk to someone who understands me.

If she were my wife, I’d finally get some respect.

But again, what we see from other people are their highlights. Their strengths.

We don’t see their weaknesses, because they don’t publicize them.

I love the quote that’s going around Pinterest: “The grass is greener where you water it.”

Water your marriage, not some other relationship, and the grass will start to get greener.

Let’s talk: What other things could you add to this list?

 

Lindsey Bell is the author of Searching for Sanity, a parenting devotional that will be released in January 2014. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, and chocolate lover. You can find Lindsey online at any of the following locations: Her blog: www.lindsey-bell.com Her website: www.lindseymbell.com Twitter: www.twitter.com/LindseyMBell Facebook: www.facebook.com/AuthorLindseyBell Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/LindseyMBell01

About Searching for Sanity:

Have you ever looked at your beloved children and wondered, what in the world am I doing? Why did God trust me—of all people—to raise them?

Motherhood is the most difficult job many of us will ever take. Searching for Sanity offers moms an opportunity to take a breath, dig into the Word, and learn from parents of the past. In short devotions designed for busy moms, this book uses the parents of the Bible—both the good and the bad—to inspire today’s mothers.

It’s coming soon, so be on the lookout!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more

17 Years Ago I Said Good-Bye to My Son

On September 3, 17 years ago, I said good-bye to my son. He passed away in the wee hours of the morning on September 4. So I’m thinking of my baby boy today!

My husband and I were talking recently about how his death impacted us. It’s a very hard road back from something like that to trusting God again. As we were leaving our oldest daughter at her new university last weekend, we had to put her in God’s hands. And as my husband said, that’s really tough. If you lent some tool that you loved to a neighbour, and they returned it broken and scratched up, you wouldn’t be so ready to lend to that neighbour again. And when a baby dies, it’s easy to feel that way about God.

It is hard to trust again.

And yet Christopher is not broken and all scratched up. He is alive and he is thriving with God.

Christopher, I’m so glad you’re able to run and jump and laugh and do all the things you would have found challenging here on this earth.

And I’m glad that each day that I spend here is not one more day that I’m away from you; it’s one more day that I’m closer to being reunited with you. I’m still your Mommy.

On this day, to honour him, I thought I wouldn’t write a new post. I’d just link to other things that I’ve said about my precious boy.

Remembering…here’s my recollection of our last day together, and how God helped me to let go.

Heaven is For Real…how a glimpse of heaven last year helped me to get through the anniversary of his death. We all need a little glimpse of heaven!

And for those of you who have also lost babies, here’s  A Prayer Through Tears, a column I wrote as a prayer for all of us walking through this.

I talk a lot about Christopher when I do women’s retreats, and about how having him helped me to be able to truly say that God is enough. And I learned how to trust God in new ways. I’ve written a book about it, How Big Is Your Umbrella–just a short book to help people walk through the things we often yell at God when life is tough, and the things that God whispers back. You can see it here.

Or, if you’re interested, here’s an audio download when I tell my story, but also weave in other illustrations of finally being able to fully trust God.

And now we’re going to have a family day where we celebrate those we have to hold here, and those we are waiting to hold in heaven.

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Ignite the Fire of Your Passion

Ignite the Fire Christian Marriage Series

It’s time for our Ignite the Fire Marriage blog series, with three bloggy friends! We’re all writing on the same topic today, so you can read this post and then follow the links to see their unique take on how we can ignite the fire in our marriages.

Today we’re talking about passion in marriage.

I’ve just returned from dropping my oldest daughter off at university. The house feels empty without her here, and it will take some getting used to. I’m proud of her, but we’ll miss her terribly.

And so naturally I’m doing a little bit of a retrospective today, wondering, “should I have done that more? Or done this more?” It’s interesting the things that you regret NOT doing. I’m not beating myself up about how I should have cleaned more, or cooked more, or done any of those daily things more. I’m thinking that I should have been more spontaneous, more demonstrative, more fun. We should have had ice cream for breakfast a few more times. We should have run out and enjoyed the first day of spring a little more, instead of trying to get through all of our work. We should have curled up on her bed with hot chocolate and giggled more.

In other words, we should have experienced more of the joy of life, instead of just living it.

It’s the same with our marriages. What we regret is not savouring the moment–not taking that time to live in the passion of the moment.

When I think of the word “passion”, I think of someone experiencing something, of drinking it in. We concentrate on the senses, on the here and now, not on what we “should” be doing. To me, passion is the opposite of control. With passion we’re not thinking as much as we’re allowing ourselves to just live in the moment.

How often do you do that with your husband? How often do you just drink in his love, or his touch, or his kiss? How often do you just forget about all the “shoulds” and just play with your husband, like having a wrestling contest? How often do you allow yourselves to truly pray, to allow yourselves to be completely vulnerable together before God, without wondering if you’re doing it right?

Passion in marriage means savouring the little things. Yet we women have a hard time feeling out of control. We like to be in control of all situations. But I think when we try so hard to be in control, we often miss the beauty of the moment. And we miss the opportunity to live big.

Passion is scary, because it means being vulnerable. It means showing someone how you honestly feel. It means living large.

Certainly we need passion in the bedroom, as I’ve written about numerous times. (I am the Christian sex lady, after all!). And I think one reason we often have a hard time in the bedroom is because we’re scared of giving up control, and you can’t have a great sex life and also be a control freak. They don’t work together.

But passion in marriage is not only about the bedroom. It’s about how we live life in general. And if you’re trying too hard to control everything; if you’re trying too hard to live your life by lists and by shoulds; you may miss those moments where you’re just carried away by beauty and by feelings and by love. And we all need those moments, especially in marriage.

So how do you boost passion with your husband?

1. Carve out some time during the day when you don’t have to do anything, and just enjoy being with him. Hold his hand and concentrate on how it feels. Kiss him and concentrate on everything about that kiss–don’t overanalyze it, just experience it.

2. Breathe deeply. Smile more. Laugh more.

3. Give yourself some grace.

4. Learn how to open up and reveal a little bit more of yourself to him–and listen to a little bit more of his heart.

What so many men want is a woman who is truly present with him–not someone who is thinking about the laundry or the kids or what she should be doing. They want a woman who, in bed, is enjoying herself, not analyzing or worrying. They want a woman who can look into his eyes and just drink it in, not someone who is always criticizing or asking him to do something else on a to do list. They want a woman who wants to just BE–not someone who is always DOING.

It’s just little things, but you will never regret being more passionate, and more present, with your husband.

Probably many of you have seen this video, but it’s gone viral in the last week. This man was married to his wife Lorraine for 75 years, and after she died he wrote her a love song. The emotion is so raw, but what he says is real: Life only goes around once. Grab it while you’ve got it!

Here’s your challenge for a more passionate marriage in Week 1 of our Ignite the Fire Series:

Increase the passion in your marriage by letting yourself feel a little out of control with your husband–and a little more vulnerable. Let yourself savour with all five senses this week. Don’t worry about DOING; try, sometimes, to just BE.

My three blogging friends have also written on this today, and you can see what they have to say, too!

Courtney from WomenLivingWell, Darlene from TimeWarpWife.com, and Jennifer from UnveiledWife.com have all written awesome posts on passion! Click on through to see what they have to say.

Join us next week when we talk about how to ignite the fire of kindness in our marriages.

The post Ignite the Fire of Your Passion appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Helping our Kids Succeed in School this Year

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week I’m sharing steps to help set our kids up for success in school.

A great teacher can be transformational in a child’s life, but those with the greatest influence for helping children succeed at school this year won’t be employees of School Boards. They’ll be parents.

What can we do to launch our children well this new school year? Here are a few thoughts.

First, get them ready to learn, and that means that they have to be well-rested. Too many kids do not get enough sleep. In fact, lack of sleep has been heavily linked to ADD and a host of other learning difficulties. Children under the age of thirteen need, on average, 10-11 hours of sleep a night. Teens need more than we think, too–up to nine hours.

To make teens sleep, turn off the wifi at 10:30 every night, and put all phones on the charger in a central place. To help younger kids sleep, enforce a bedtime, which means enforcing a bedtime routine. Start getting kids ready for bed much earlier than they need to be asleep. Read them a story. Give them a bath. Help them to relax.

One reason so many kids don’t sleep well is because they’ve overscheduled. If kids are in activities until 8:00 several nights a week, it’s hard to get a decent night’s sleep. Parents’ work schedules often impede sleep, too. If a parent isn’t home until 7:30 or 8, chances are that parent wants to spend time with the kids before they turn in. Resist the urge to keep kids up, and find ways to connect with them at other times of day.

Here’s a second thought to help kids get ready to learn: encourage imaginative play. Most kids today play primarily with technology–on devices and phones, on video games, or on computers. Yet these are largely passive modes of entertainment. Even video games, which arguably are more interactive, don’t require imagination in the same way as traditional play did. Take some time after dinner everyday and turn all devices off.

Then limit the kids’ toys. Kids don’t need a lot to play with: they can build forts with blankets; they can construct things out of pots and pans; they can create homes for dolls out of towels. Boredom is the mother of invention. Encourage more hands-on toys, too, like Lego or puzzles or that teach spatial ability.

Third, make reading a central part of your home. Read every night to the kids before they go to bed. For long car trips listen to books on CD or iPod. Enforce a strict bedtime–but tell kids they can stay up half an hour longer if they’re reading or looking at books. Kids may even get in the habit of always needing a good book to help them get to sleep!

Finally, make learning a natural part of a child’s life. When you’re in the grocery store, tell them “we’re going on a hunt for the letter B”, and find all the things that start with the B-uh sound. (Broccoli? Bread? Beans? What about Pancake Mix? See if they can tell the difference!). You can do this with numbers, too. When you’re at Tim Horton’s, ask them to figure out the change. If that would take too long, just start explaining yourself. “I need thirty-five cents. That means a quarter and a dime, because a quarter is twenty-five cents and a dime is ten cents!”

Kids are born to be little sponges. They take everything in, and they love learning, because it helps them make sense of the world. So talk about everything you’re doing. Show them patterns. And then give them time to absorb all of that with some down time to play and some down time to sleep. Do that, and chances are your kids will do very well this year.

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Ignite the Fire is Coming!

Ignite the Fire Christian Marriage Series

I’m so excited to announce that next week we’re launching Ignite the Fire–a 3 week series on Mondays with three awesome Christian marriage bloggers–and me!

Last year the lovely Courtney from Women Living Well got the ball rolling and suggested we do a September series on Revive Your Marriage, and we talked about working on your friendship in marriage, praying with your husband, changing your attitude, and lighting up your sex life.

I loved being a part of it all last year! We’d each write our very different takes on the subject, and then you could jump back and forth between blogs and see what everyone is saying.

This year we’re not talking about getting over major problems as much as we are encouraging everyone to “turn it up a notch”–and really ignite the fire! We’ll be talking passion, vision, and kindness, and I’m really excited.

So I hope you’ll all join me on Mondays, and then visit the other blogs, too, to see what they have to say.

Courtney from Women Living Well (who has an awesome new book coming out!)

Darlene–the Time Warp Wife (who calls us back to our calling. And she’s Canadian, too. Although she’s from Winnipeg, and it’s really, really cold there. And there are lots of mosquitoes.)

Jennifer–The Unveiled Wife (who always helps us focus on Jesus).

One of the benefits of the internet is the ability to build a community of like-minded people, even if we don’t live close together. I talk to these ladies all the time, and I’m so excited to do this series with them. I hope you’ll join us!

And now for something completely different…

Today we get in a van with the last of her clothes and we drive to Ottawa.

There we’ll paint her room, hit Ikea to buy a desk, and hit a grocery store to stock her up on some basics.

We’ll pray the internet is set up.

We’ll laugh and clean and organize.

And then, in a few days, my husband and my youngest daughter and I will turn around and drive home, without her.

Rebecca is moving away to university.

I’m so proud of her. She’s ready. But I’m also a little melancholy today.

Here’s her take, which she wrote on her blog last month.

Rebecca loves Jesus, is eager to find some more Christian friends, is eager to find a great church, and is eager to start learning. I couldn’t ask for a better daughter. And now I just pray that God will fill her life with kindred spirits who can bless her, and fill her life with people that she can bless in return, just as she has blessed me.

Want to get all teary with me? I dare you to click through and watch this video without going through a pile of Kleenex. This is just so lovely. A man writes a song for his wife of 75 years, who just passed away, and a radio station records it for him.

A Letter from Fred

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Wifey Wednesday: “I Wanted To Marry A Man That Didn’t Fart”

Every Wednesday we talk about marriage! Today, please welcome guest author, Jennifer Lanctot, who shares her thoughts on cherishing her quirky husband. And then feel free to link up your own marriage posts in the linky below.

At 15 years old I knew exactly what I wanted in a husband. Someone who would never tire of spending all of his waking moments with me. He would be interested in all of my hobbies and interests. We would always have things to talk about. Never disagree. He would never say anything hurtful, or rash. He would always look at me across the room, like I was an angel. And he would find a different way to tell me each day how gorgeous I was. We would sleep under the stars together and take long, midnight walks often. He would never smell bad. Oh, he would have endless energy after work days to go out and do something fun. We would share all the same interests! And he would never fart, or poop, for that matter. I knew my husband would probably do that, since all humans do, but wouldn’t that just be neat if he didn’t?!

I built up a fantasy. And looking at this list, not all the things are bad. But what was my heart intent? ME. I wanted to feel loved and fulfilled by this one man. Always.

Well, guess what? I married a wonderful, Godly man that cherishes and loves me deeply. But, as you could probably guess, he farts. And poops. Sometimes with the bathroom door open! Before I was married, I never envisioned waking up to morning breath, and a nice loud fart. But yes, every single morning when my husband is waking up, he farts. Okay, so you are probably wondering why I would care to share this with you. The answer is QUIRKS. Is your husband quirky? If so, (and I know for all of you the answer is probably and emphatic ‘Yes!’), do you cherish his quirkiness for who he is? Or do you sit back, all embarrassed, annoyed and frustrated because he is different you thought he would be?

Elijah and I couldn’t be more opposite. Truth is, there are only a few things we both enjoy.

I hate electronics (and I’m pretty sure they hate me!). He loves geeky things. I love gardening, he doesn’t. I like happy and uplifting music and movies. He prefers heavy, contemplative, and thought provoking. I detest quiet days without people, he loves them. I prefer my food messy, he likes his organized. I don’t like socks, he loves them. I talk on the phone, he doesn’t if he can help it. I am very emotional, he is extremely logical. I cry when I get stressed out, he laughs. I can eat almost anything, he is a texture freak. I’m addicted to sunshine, he prefers little to none at all!I like visual humor, he likes verbal. I care a TON about what people think of me, he doesn’t let it bother him at all. I will go, go, go, until I drop dead. He enjoys taking time to relax and enjoy his time off. I had always thought computer games were evil, he plays them. I like going to bed, he’s a night owl. I love cameras, he avoids them.  I could go on and on. When you looking at the surface, we really don’t have much in common. But we are committed to the same vision, and we are learning that opposites can work well together!

I don’t know what your husband does. Maybe he snorts when he laughs, or has a sense of humor you think is disgusting. Maybe he leaves his socks on the living room floor, or doesn’t put his dirty dish in the sink. Maybe he never finshes projects, or leaves his bath towel on the floor. But do these things really matter? These ‘quirks’ are not detrimental to his salvation, so give him a break.

It has been hard for me to enjoy and laugh at my husbands quirks. I had this perfect picture in my mind, and he just isn’t that! But, the Lord has been showing me that He loves me for who I am…even though I am the furthest thing from perfect. And I am commanded to love my husband in the same way. I am not supposed to look for him to fulfill my every need. That is what I am told to trust to the Lord, not to a man.

Women, I just want to give you a shove of encouragement: if your husband is quirky, EMBRACE it! Laugh at it, and learn to enjoy it, one day at a time. Even though it might drive you nuts, why should you let it? I guarantee that it will release so much tension and make your home life more peaceful just to let go. Accept the fact that he is a human, just like you. We are quirky and expect them to love us no matter what.

One morning I woke up, and when my husband farted, I laughed. Because I know that if I woke up tomorrow morning and he wasn’t there, I would miss that. Even though the quirks bug me sometimes, I know I would miss them if he were gone. This is a man that loves me, works hard, provides for me, cherishes my heart, and wants to lead me closer to my Saviour. Why let the little quirks keep me from loving him the way I should?!

So, what quirks does your spouse have that you are learning to embrace?  Share YOUR stories!  I cannot wait to read them! 

My name is Jennifer Lanctot and I am 22 years old. I am a wife, mother, nanny, doula, and photographer, living in New Hampshire. I have been married for over two and a half years, have a  1 1/2 year old son, and am expecting baby #2 this Winter.

Ideally, I would like to someday be a stay-at-home Mom with several little minions running around. But we will see where the Lord takes that. My goal with my life is to encourage, inspire, and challenge others, as well as myself, to grow closer to their Maker. I hope that any writing or photography I do will motivate others to draw closer to our Lord and the ones we love. Every day we have is a gift, and we need to rejoice and be glad in it!

Thanks, Jennifer, for sharing your story! And now you all can share your stories, too. Just leave a comment, or link up your own marriage post in the linky below! And be sure to leave a link back here so that other people can see all these great marriage articles.

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