Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 225

October 30, 2013

Wifey Wednesday: I Did Not Marry My One True Love

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below!

Today, please welcome guest poster, Lisa Hall Wilson, who shares a heartfelt and thoughtful post on how love is a choice.

The hubs and I are celebrating 16 years of marriage (to each other) this week. I do not believe he’s my ‘one true love’ and not because he leaves his socks on the floor and seems incapable of closing a kitchen cupboard door. I didn’t find my one true love because the whole idea is hooey.

When Cole Porter wrote about true love, when Bing Crosby and Grace Kelly immortalized true love in High Society, they sold us a bill of tainted goods.

When we seek out our Prince Charming or Prince Philip and expect the magical power of true love’s kiss to ‘fix’ things, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Here’s the thing, I don’t believe in love at first sight. I do not have a true love out there. If there’s one thing 16 years of marriage has taught me it’s that the happy, life-is-perfect, bliss-mirage lasts a remarkably short amount of time and you’re left with the harsh reality that you married a human who can’t read your mind, doesn’t do everything the way you would, doesn’t agree with everything you say/do, has bad habits and irritating quirks you never saw coming.

And that’s when love becomes a choice.

To assume you have one true love means there’s this ultimate ‘right guy/girl’ for you. And everytime you disagree, you tear into each other, you’re alone in bed crying – the questions creep in:

Did I marry the wrong person? Why isn’t our sex life better – what if we’re incompatible sexually — what if it’s better with someone else?

What if your spouse screws up – BIG? Does that mean you’re off the hook? Just start over and keep looking because somewhere out there is the ‘perfect’ person for you. Where love is easy and the path is covered in rose petals, where neither of you has baggage from the past or a shred of selfishness. If you look long enough – hard enough – you’ll find that one person God made just for you.

Hogwash – as my grandmother would say. Too many arranged marriages work out. Too many widows and widowers find love with another person for there to be such a thing as finding true love.

We get caught up in the emotional high of it all when we first meet someone, when the relationship blooms, when we decide whether this is the person we want to spend the rest of our life with. That high is addictive but deceiving because it’s not something you can maintain.

When the socks hit the floor, when they overspend again, when they get mad at you — love is a choice. The only one responsible for my happiness is me. I put that on the Hubs and I’m just setting him up to fail.

Love is a verb, not a state of being.

You can’t fall in or out of love – you choose to surrender or harden your heart to another person. That’s a choice.The hubs and I have been through a lot of not so good times. We’ve had a lot of laughs and adventures, but there’s been some hum-drum ruts and serious rough patches. Love is a choice, just like forgiveness, trust, respect, and friendship. Sometimes it’s not fair, sometimes it just plain sucks — but you keep at it because somewhere along the way all that hard work, sweat, and tears pays off. There’s a bond forged in the hard times – in staying for no other reason than you promised God you wouldn’t leave.

After 16 years, 3 kids, 7 moves, several jobs, an addiction, and a ridiculous amount of student debt – we have a history together. I know his expressions, can anticipate many of his moods and reactions. We can look at each other and smile, because we have a thousand inside jokes.

Marriage is hard. If you’re struggling in your relationship, assuming all things are equal and no one’s being abused or mistreated, etc. (there are some things time can’t fix) — stick it out. In my experience, the hard work, tears, fights — it all adds up to a history you can’t buy and only time can build. This is a marathon not a sprint.

But every day, love is a choice — loving someone is a choice.

Wake up every day with the resolve to surrender your heart to your spouse, and take nothing for granted. You’ll be glad you did.

Time to fess up! Did you marry your one true love?

Now it’s your turn! Want to share some good marriage advice with us? Or tell us what advice you particularly hate? Leave a comment and let us know, or link up your own marriage post in the linky below. Be sure to link back here, too, so other people can read some great marriage tips!

Lisa Hall-Wilson has published over 70 articles in the Canadian faith-based market, is a syndicated columnist, and has won national awards for her writing. She blogs at www.lisahallwilson.com but you can find her hanging out on Facebook.

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Published on October 30, 2013 04:00

October 29, 2013

Divergent is a Christian Novel–The Good and the Bad in YA Fiction

I am a big believer in reading novels. I read to my children every night from the time they were 6 months old (they’d still stare at baby board books). We graduated to chapter books when they were 4. And they’ve always found great pleasure in reading novels, too.

But I’ve always been really careful with what I let them read. Let’s face it: most teen fiction, and a whole lot of children’s fiction, isn’t good.

Yet I don’t think we should write off secular fiction as a whole, because books have the ability to transport us to other worlds and to really affect our hearts in ways that other things can’t. Books have the power to really heal and teach and challenge. I think it’s because when we read we need to create the story ourselves–we’re active participants. Because we can’t “see” the action or the characters, we need to imagine it. Unlike a movie, a book becomes a part of who we are.

And so today I thought I’d tell you about the good news and the bad news when it comes to Young Adult Fiction.

Stuff I Love: Divergent, Insurgent, Allegiant (Divergent is a Christian Novel!)

Oh, my goodness, what amazing Christian books without being Christian. I was introduced to the Divergent trilogy last summer, when only the first two were out. The author, Veronica Roth, apparently started them when she was only 19, and sold them in her early twenties. She is a Christian. The books are not–outwardly. But I have never read such a good Christian allegory as these books. I truly believe Divergent is a Christian novel. The central question she is asking in the series is this:

Is it possible for humans, on their own, to overcome original sin?

And the conclusion? Nope.

They’re full of action and suspense and an amazing plot. The writing isn’t the best; I don’t think there’s very many words over two syllables. But honestly, teenagers don’t care. And we heard about these books not from other Christians but from teens we knew who were reading them. Katie started reading, and then I read, and I was hooked.

The central theme is that society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue—Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent). Tris is born into Abnegation, but when kids reach 16, they are given a test which shows which trait they are best suited for. And then they get to choose: do you want to stay in your faction, or switch factions? And there’s no switching back. Once you switch, you leave your family behind.

But something happens to Tris. Unlike everybody else, she ranks for three virtues, not just one. She’s a Divergent. And because of that, she finds herself embroiled in a mystifying plot to try to deal with her and get rid of her. In the process, she ends up taking the whole system down. By the end of the second book, Insurgent, we find out how these factions started: humanity had tried to deal with original sin by “genetically” modifying out the bad. And it didn’t work.

Allegiant is the new and final book in the trilogy, and I haven’t finished it yet (though Katie did and she was really upset at the end!). I guess it’s a sad ending, but I think that’s okay, and likely in keeping with what Veronica Roth was trying to do (showing that there is no redemption this side of heaven). As far as I know she hasn’t publicly talked about the theological implications of her story; she’s hoping people pick up on it and that it makes people talk about it. But I think reading these books with your teens, or talking about them with kids who aren’t Christian, is an awesome conversation starter. I’m excited to finish Allegiant!

Often Christians think we can only read Christian fiction, but there’s great stuff out there in the secular world, too. You just need to be super picky. And even though these are marketed as “young adult” books, as an adult-adult, I can tell you I loved them.

Divergent is coming out as a movie soon and we’ll definitely be seeing it. Here’s the trailer:

I’m glad people are making intelligent books and intelligent movies that make you think about deeper issues. You can read the book and watch the movie and see only the action; but if you look at what’s really underneath the plot, there’s a lot of good theology there. It’s a great allegory, and I hope people think hard about it.

What I Hate: Fan Fiction

Every parent needs to be wary of “Fan Fic” as it’s called. Basically, fans of best-selling books, like Twilight, write their own books featuring the main character or side characters. They tend to sell well because fans of the books want more. Unfortunately, these books are often high sexually explicit or overly graphic.

50 Shades of Grey, after all, started out as Fan Fiction from Twilight.

Here’s the problem: Let’s say your children like a series that is relatively harmless. they go on all the fan pages for the book series. They follow it on Facebook. And then they see links to extra stories. They download them (lots of them are free, after all, because these new authors are trying to develop a following on the back of something that has already sold). But these books that they’ve downloaded aren’t nearly as innocent as the books they’ve read. (For the record, I never thought Twilight was that innocent, but it’s much less harmful than most of its Fan Fiction!).

The moral of the story: Really watch what your kids access on the internet. Even when it’s not out-and-out porn it can still be really damaging. Most of us adults have never even heard the term “Fan Fic”, but believe me–if you have teens, chances are they know what it is. So we need to keep vigilant and talk to our kids about what they’re reading, and how they’re accessing it.

Christian YA Special Deal

My friend Rajdeep Paulus has written a moving book about abuse, friendship, and the power of connection. I reviewed it here, but she’s hosting a great giveaway right now where you can win a bunch of prizes! She writes:

Talia and Lagan, the main characters in Swimming Through Clouds, met in the fall of their senior year in high school. To celebrate their unforgettably sticky, Post-it love story, I’m declaring fall as the best time to fall in love. And no better way to celebrate than with a MEGA-Giveaway with lots of Fun Fall Prizes including a $50 Amazon Gift Card!

Fifteen Winners will win over $150 worth in prizes. You could be one of them! So whatcha waitin’ for? The Swimming Through Clouds family invites you to jump into our pile of prizes and find plenty of ways to rack up your chances to be a winner. See you in November when the Lucky 15 will be announced! Happy Swimming, all!

What books do you love for teens? Let me know in the comments!

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Published on October 29, 2013 04:18

October 28, 2013

Reader Question: Is it Okay to Schedule Sex?

Every week I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today I’m tackling a question a lot of people have: is it a cop out to schedule sex?

One reader wrote:

My husband and I struggle with having sex frequently. We’ve been married a year and a half, and we have sex less than once a month – for whatever reason. We both have our excuses.

Recently I talked with my husband about scheduling sex. Or at least intimate time. We’ve started with once a week. And I’m already feeling better about it. I get so anxious about the unknown.

I’m a planner. And I have a one-track mind. With a schedule I know what I’m expected to do at a specific time and my anxiety evaporates.

Scheduled sex allows me to get in to the zone days before because I KNOW sexy time is coming. There’s no spontaneity or it sneaking up on me. (Spontaneity and I are NOT friends). If I feel cornered or surprised, I will almost always find a way to say no and reject my husband. I avoid this anxiety, scheduling works for me.

Is this weird? My husband thinks so. But he’s grateful we’ve done something to address my anxiety and he’s getting more sex.

Excellent question! To answer it, let’s look at the pros and cons of scheduling sex, and then I’ll try to sum up.

Pros of Scheduling Sex
You Make Sex a Priority

Let’s face it: often we don’t end up making love because it’s the last thing on our to-do list. IF the dishes are done and IF the kids go to bed at a decent time and IF my emails are all answered and IF I feel 100% and IF I’m not ticked at my husband and IF I don’t have to be up early, then, when I hit the pillow at 11, I may consider having sex.

That’s a lot working against sex!

And if you’re the one who would be eager to jump him, and your husband is the one who always has the excuses, then you probably would like sex to be more of a priority, too.

With the way many of our lives go, sex is the last thing that gets taken care of. It’s only if everything else gets done. And so often it’s put on the back burner, even though sex is so important to helping a marriage stay intimate and fun. I think we forget how much sex benefits us women!

If you schedule it, and say that “every Wednesday and every Saturday we’ll have sex”, or whatever you pick, then you know you’ll be connecting. You know that it will happen. And you know that you’ll feel intimate again. In most marriages sex isn’t frequent enough; here’s one way to overcome that!

You Let Yourself Get Your Head in the Game

For women, so much of our sex drive is in our heads. When our heads are in the game, our bodies often follow. But it’s really hard to get your head in the game if you’re just going about your normal routine with kids or your job or the housework. If, though, you know that tonight you’re going to have some fun, you can think more positively about it. You can flirt with your husband more! You can send secret texts, or even just smile at a Stop sign.

Then, when evening comes around, you don’t have to do the endless “Do I want to tonight?” routine we women often torture ourselves with, like I talk about here:

You know you’re going to tonight, so you don’t have to figure out, “am I in the mood?” It’s a lot less stress!

You Take More Care of Yourself

If you know you’re going to make love tomorrow night, and you get in the habit of making love a few times a week, it becomes more evident that you need to get more sleep! And you’re more likely to start treating your body better, and sleeping more, because you do want to enjoy what’s in store.

Cons of Scheduling Sex with Your Husband
Obligation Sex Isn’t Sexy

One of the reasons we do the “do I want to tonight?” routine is because when we REALLY don’t feel like it, sex can seem like a chore, or an imposition. Now, I’m a firm believer that if we start telling ourselves positive things about sex we can turn that around, but I’m sure most of us know what it’s like to have sex because you feel guilty. And if you agree to scheduling sex, and then the night comes around and you really don’t feel like it, you can end up resenting sex, and your husband, even more.

Scheduling sex, then, really only works if you’re willing to say those positive things to yourself. When you schedule sex, you don’t just commit to HAVING sex; you commit to having a good attitude about it and to throwing yourself into it, like I talked about in that video.

Now I do believe those are important things for every married woman to do. But if you just can’t, and you’re scheduling sex so that “at least he’ll only bug me on Wednesdays and Saturdays and not all the other days, too,” it likely won’t work well for you, and you’re not being fair to your husband or yourself. Your issue is bigger than just how often you have sex, and I’d really recommend working through the 31 Days to Great Sex with him to help you see sex as something positive, and to help him make sex something that you really will enjoy.

Spontaneity Can Suffer

One of the wonderful things about making love with my husband is that sometimes we’re not planning on it. We fall into bed, and we’re both tired, and we just hug for a bit and talk. And in the process something happens, and it’s great to connect that way.

If you start scheduling sex, then you may limit those moments. Especially for men, it’s important to feel as if your spouse wants you, not just wants to placate you. Eliminate those times when you turn to each other JUST BECAUSE, and your spouse can start to feel as if it’s not something you really want to do; it’s just something you feel that you have to do.

Let’s Put It All Together

For many women who find it difficult to get motivated for sex, scheduling sex can be a great idea. And here’s the neat thing: once you start to make love with relative frequency, you start to yearn for it. You start to enjoy it. And then it may become more frequent all on its own! You see the difference it makes in your relationship when you do connect regularly.

If you’re in that camp, and it seems as if my reader is, then go for it! If you’re in a rut, and you don’t know how to get out of it, scheduling sex may be a very good thing to try.

So let me leave you with just a few warnings:

1. Think of the schedule as the minimum, not the maximum

If you decide on Wednesday and Saturday, and you feel a little frisky on a Monday, then do something on the Monday! Don’t “turn off” those feelings because “I don’t have to tonight”. Feel free to explore them, too! Scheduling sex should not eliminate spontaneity; it should just make sure you connect regularly, at a minimum. Don’t limit yourself to the days you’ve set!

2. Decide to Jump In Wholeheartedly

If you decide to go this route, pledge it in your heart, too. Decide that you will put everything into it. Make those nights the best you can. Plan fun things! Flirt. You put effort into other parts of your life; put it in here, too.

If you do those two things, then scheduling sex might give your marriage the jumpstart it needs! But making a schedule can never make up for a lack of enthusiasm, or for the feeling “at least I’m off the hook now”. I know that’s a really sad place to be, and if that’s where you are, I’d just encourage you to take steps not to stand for it. You were created to live an abundant life, and that includes an abundant marriage and an abundant life in the bedroom. If it’s not like that for you, commit to working on your friendship with your husband, and commit to learning how to make sex feel good (31 Days to Great Sex can help with that!).

Now it’s your turn: Have you ever tried to schedule sex? How did it work for you?

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Published on October 28, 2013 04:03

October 26, 2013

Winners, Great Links, and FREE Stuff!

Hello, everybody! Hope you’re enjoying a great weekend.

I did something I haven’t done in ages: I slept in until 9:00! It was bliss. I know all of you out there with kids under 7 now want to bean me, because you dream of the chance to sleep in, but it’s coming one day soon.

Have a bunch of quick things to share with you this weekend:

Great and Interesting Things Around the Internet

1. My husband’s at a Pediatrics conference right now, and he just sent me this link to an appalling news article. Long and the short of it: dad has custody of 12-year-old daughter. Daughter using internet inappropriately (sending inappropriate pictures of herself, chatting with strangers, etc). Dad takes internet away and grounds daughter. Daughter SUES–and apparently wins. Daughter now living with mother.

This is in Quebec, and as a Canadian, trust me, this sort of thing doesn’t really happen in the ROC (Rest of Canada, as we like to call it). Quebec has a justice system that is quite unique. But nevertheless, it’s terrible. Check it out.

2. I don’t tend to like celebrities, but this speech by Ashton Kuchter at the Teen Choice Awards was just great. “Opportunity often looks like work….”

Some Winners

Women Living Well Book

I’ve done a few giveaways lately and notified the winners, but I never notified you all! A few weeks ago I gave away Courtney Joseph’s book, Women Living Well.

And the winners were: Cheryl W. and Kelly K. (both have been emailed already). Thanks for entering! And do check out Women Living Well. It just encourages us to focus on what’s really important, in a very practical way.

31 Days to Great Sex paperback

At the same time I gave away a copy of my new paperback: 31 Days to Great Sex. It’s been available in ebook format for a year, but I finally put it out in paperback. And the winner for that was Lindsey B.

Of course, if you want it, you can get it in anytime in my store!

And don’t forget–starting November 4 until November 9, the ebook version of 31 Days to Great Sex will be part of the Healthy Living Bundle Sale! I’ll have more info on that soon, but you’ll get 80 ebooks for under $30–books on everything from real food to green living to organizing your schedule to marriage. It looks like an awesome bundle I know you’ll love! I’m working through a bunch of quinoa recipes this weekend.

andRuby Giveaway

Then I did a giveaway for andRuby, which has awesome discounted jewelry and clothing and decor. And the stock is always changing, so it’s new deals all the time! You can sign up here to be notified of what’s new in the store.

Melinda T. won the giveaway!

Here’s a necklace that’s new (it wasn’t even available when I did my post) that I think is so cute:

Browse more at andRuby.

And remember: they’ve given us all a coupon code you can use to get 10% off–good until November 30. Just use the code love at andRuby.

Wall Decal Giveaway

Don’t forget to enter my giveaway that’s happening RIGHT NOW–$150 towards wall decals for your child’s room. They’re awesome!

Want Something To Do This Weekend? Take FREE Craft Classes!

One of my big projects for the weekend is pulling out some knitting and planning my next few projects. I love knitting. It really relaxes me. If you’re a crafty type of person, too, you can learn some amazing techniques at home–for free–from Craftsy. Check these out:

Free Craftsy Classes

Now, personally I like the cabled necklines knitting one, but there are lots more, from cake decorating to painting to sewing to a LOT of quilting options.

A Note About The Blog

Here’s the good news: Google did something that worked out well for me! Some of you may have heard about the hummingbird update that Google rolled out for its search engine a few weeks ago. Well, I guess it really helped me, because my search traffic has gone up about 25%! And most people searching who end up on this blog end up on the “hard” posts–my husband uses porn, my husband doesn’t want sex, my marriage is in trouble. So that’s so encouraging that those who are hurting are coming here, because I hope my words can help steer them in a more positive direction.

The bad news is that my advertising has gone wonky, and I’m sorry if you’ve seen it. Apparently there’s been a really bad ad from BlogHer on the sidebar, but I had the worst time getting rid of it because it’s not a regular ad–that I can opt out of–it’s an “extra”. I think I’ve done it, but if you see an ad for gaming, can you just email me and let me know? I’m working hard to keep them off (everyday I go on and check out the new ads to see whether I’ll let them on), and I hate it when one slips through. But it’s the advertising that lets me keep running the site, because it’s getting expensive with all the traffic I have!

Thanks for understanding, but please tell me if something sneaks through, because I don’t always know. And then I can take care of it right away.

And that’s it for me for now! Have a wonderful weekend.

This post contains affiliate links.

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Published on October 26, 2013 07:00

October 25, 2013

What If Marriage Matters?

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column .

In Canada we like to think we’re a classless society. Anybody can make it to the top! Nevertheless, you can still divide us into different groups. You could do so on economic lines: the rich and the poor. You could base them on education: those who have it and those who don’t. You could even base it on race.

Increasingly, though, the real divide in our society is a family one. The biggest indicator of future success for children isn’t the parent’s education level, nor is it the parents’ wealth, race or religion. It’s whether or not the parents are in a stable marriage.

Much of this is a poverty issue. Children are far more likely to live in poverty if they grow up with a single parent than if they grow up with two parents present. But it’s not solely a poverty issue, because children born into poverty, if they also have two married parents, tend to escape poverty. Children of single parents born into poverty tend to stay in poverty.

The question is which causes which? Most who believe in the rich against poor rhetoric believe that the problem is primarily one of poverty; families fall apart when they are poor, so the poverty comes first. But increasingly that’s not the picture being painted by our statistics. It looks like family breakdown is what hurts children and their wallets and their schools more than poverty. The real gap is not one of money or race; it’s one of family. With a strong nuclear family, you can overcome almost anything. Without it, it’s pretty difficult.

It isn’t just having another parent present that makes the difference, either. The Urban Institute’s Robert Lerman looked at cohabiting couples, and found that even when you control for education and race, their children don’t do as well as children living with two married biological parents. Something about marriage boosts children’s prospects.

None of this means that any particular child is destined to go down a certain route. All of us, as individuals, have the power to determine our own destiny. I grew up with a single mother who worked incredibly hard for me, and I consider myself very blessed. I have known step-fathers who have been more of a father to the kids than the biological father was. There are always exceptions, but that does not mean that on a societal-wide basis such things are not still true.

For the last several decades we’ve been engaged in a vast social experiment. Does the institution of marriage, as it has been practiced for thousands of years, really matter?

After reams of studies, it’s clear that it does. Yes, some marriages are abusive and can’t be saved, but on the whole, marriage is a positive good for our society.

Of course, many of our opinion-makers in government and media and education don’t want to admit that, because it sounds judgmental. And it also sounds like traditional morals may actually have some benefit, and too many hate the idea of being constrained by morals. But the elite are not the ones bearing the brunt of family breakup. Those who bear the costs are those at the margins–the kids born to girls who were never taught that marriage was something to look forward to, and to boys who were never taught that a real man gets married and takes care of his responsibilities.

If we want to help children, let’s stop kidding ourselves and tell the truth: marriage is good for kids. Yes, people can succeed regardless of background, but why would we not want the best? We’re not afraid to say that smoking carries risks, as does eating badly and not exercising. So let’s say it clearly here, too: divorce hurts kids, and marriage helps them. Those are the facts, and kids would fare better if we faced them.

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Published on October 25, 2013 04:00

October 24, 2013

Making Your Child’s Room Special–with Giveaway

I’m a big believer that a child should have a place of his/her own. That doesn’t mean each child needs his or her own room, but I do think they should have space that’s theirs AWAY from parents, even if they share a room.

Parents need time to connect, and we need time to nurture that relationship that is central to the family. That doesn’t mean kids are never allowed in Mommy and Daddy’s room–my kids used to love piling into bed with us in the mornings to “help” wake us up. But I do think there should be that expectation that Mommy and Daddy have their own space. It’s so easy to have motherhood take over your whole identity and your whole life, and yet what those kids really need is for you to love their dad. Kids want to be raised in a family where the marriage is stable and secure and Mommy and Daddy love each other. So keep that bedroom to yourself!

And one of the easiest ways to do that is to make your children’s rooms fun! Create a room where they feel at home, and feel safe. That doesn’t mean you have to spend a ton of money, but you should:

Keep it bright with fun paint colours and open windows
Keep clutter to a minimum by cutting down on the number of toys and including big toy boxes throughout the room
Have a bookshelf with lots of favourite books (kids need books more than gadgets!)
Plan regular times for kids to help clean up their rooms (or clean them on their own). Tidy up for five minutes before each meal, and on Saturdays do a bigger clean with the kids helping. If you stay on top of it, the room will always feel cozy!

And here’s something else that’s fun: Use children’s wall decals to create an imaginary getaway. Evgie.com is offering a giveaway for our readers today, and I’m so excited to offer these to you. Honestly, I wish these had been around when my kids were babies because they’re so adorable, and I’m really decorative challenged. I never had any good ideas for their rooms, but this would have made it easy peasy!

Here’s the neat thing about wall decals: you create such a cute theme in a room, but then you can remove them easily when the child grows. It’s not like a paint mural you’d have to spend hours painting over; you just peel and off they come. It’s so easy to transform a room with children’s decals or nursery wall decals!

Take a look at these dinosaur wall decals:

$139 with Free Shipping

Or these Monkey Wall Decals for a nursery:

On Sale for $130

Or this Adorable Growth Chart:

Monkey Growth Chart Decal from Evgie.com

$80 from Evgie.com

You can even brighten up other rooms in your house–not just kids’ rooms! I love this idea of a family tree wall decal for your living room:

$135 from Evgie.com

All Evgie.com wall decals are Non-Toxic, Non-Fading, Repositionable, Self-Adhesive Backing, Top-Quality Matte Vinyl. They include a free test decal so you can play around with it and get used to it before you stick on the big decal. All decals are designed and cut in-house. Elements come separately and can be installed as on the picture or adjusted to your wall height.

And until the end of November you get 25% off with the code TOLOVEHONOR! They’ve set it up just for us!

(That’s even 25% off the cost I’ve quoted below each decal). It’s always hard to buy Christmas presents for a baby or toddler who doesn’t really know what’s going on. I think this would be a great idea–give them a wonderful, imaginative room to grow up in.

Check out Evgie’s selection of children’s wall decals and nursery wall decals! And pin your favourites onto a wish list so that you can choose some with your hubby (or kids if they’re old enough!). Evgie’s on Pinterest, too.

And then enter our giveaway, where you could win $150 towards wall decals of your choice. I’m doing the draw next Friday night! And I know I’ve done a bunch of draws lately and haven’t announced the winners. I’ll do that this Saturday–so tune in on Saturdays to see the winners!

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Published on October 24, 2013 05:27

October 23, 2013

Wifey Wednesday: Bad Marriage Advice

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then invite you all to comment or link up your own marriage post in the linky below! And while I normally offer great advice for marriage, today I want to do the opposite. Make sure you’re not following any of this super bad marriage advice!

So I thought I’d share with you some pieces of “wisdom” we often hear that I don’t actually think are that wise at all.

Your Husband Should be Your Best Friend

Your husband should be your FRIEND, absolutely. You need to spend time together everyday just doing something, so you can talk.

But you know what, ladies?

Your husband is a GUY. And sometimes we women need things that he can’t give–conversation, someone to go shopping with, someone to sympathize with. That can’t always be him. And if you try to make it him, you may smother him.

A smothered husband is not a happy husband.

Get a female friend–and if you don’t have one, pray hard. We all need some girlfriends!

Don’t fight in front of the kids

Don’t yell in front of the kids. Absolutely. Don’t call each other names in front of the kids. You betcha. Don’t talk badly about your spouse to your kids. Uh huh.

But sometimes we’re going to be ticked in front of the kids. He comes home 25 minutes late without texting, and the food is on the table and getting cold. He walks in the door and you’re upset. Do you not say anything about it until the kids go to bed?

It doesn’t hurt kids to see you resolve conflict, as long as you handle it well. Modelling good conflict resolution is actually a gift to kids! Keith and I have fought a lot in front of the kids–though we don’t yell. But if we’re in the car, and I’m ticked, we do talk it out. The kids see us mad, and they see us talking it through, and then they see us resolving it and not holding it over each other’s heads. That’s a good thing!

Keeping anger inside so that you seethe all through dinner just makes everybody uncomfortable. Talking it through, as long as you can do it in a healthy way, is often better.

Don’t leave the house when you’re fighting

I’ve heard this one a lot–when you’re fighting, resolve it then and there. Don’t flee. Don’t run away. Don’t leave the house. Stay in the same room and talk it out!

That sounds like good advice, and this tends to be what my husband and I do. But I also think it depends a lot on your personality.

My husband and I are both extroverts, which means that both of us process our thoughts by talking out loud (contrary to popular belief it does not mean that you’re the life of the party). So when I’m upset, I have to talk about it. Now. No waiting. That’s how he feels, too, and that’s why it’s so hard on me if I get mad at 10:00 a.m. and he won’t be home until 6! I spend the whole day practising what I’m going to say.

However, introverts don’t work the same way. They process things by thinking about them first, and then, and only then, talking about them. If you force an introvert to talk before they’ve really had time to think about the issue, that introvert will be uncomfortable, and will often have a hard time finding resolution because they aren’t totally sure they’ve gotten to the root of the issue yet.

Sometimes taking a drive by yourself, as long as you both understand why the person is taking a drive, and you both understand that the person will return at a certain time, helps resolve conflict because the person gets a chance to process it. Or, if you don’t want to do something that drastic, sometimes just going into different rooms and working on your own things for a few hours helps. That’s super hard if you’re an extrovert–like me!–and you’re married to an introvert. You want to talk things out NOW, and he or she wants to wait. But give that introvert time, and in the end you’ll find that the conflict gets resolved more easily.

Don’t go to bed angry

Have you ever been lying in bed at 2:30 in the morning beside your hubby, seething about something he said, and trying to talk it through? He says something that makes you even more mad, but you don’t reply for about 30 seconds because you keep falling asleep for a few seconds at a time. And when you do reply it makes really no sense. You’ve been going around and around for three hours now, and you’re nowhere near a solution.

But there’s that verse in Scripture:

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26, ESV)

We’re not supposed to let the sun go down on our anger! Well, yes. But then there’s this:

You don’t have to resolve every conflict before you sleep. Just know that you will resolve it later, and go to sleep now!

Don’t speak badly about your spouse–ever

I 99% agree with this.

But there is that pesky 1%, and here’s the issue: sometimes you need to talk to someone else to get advice on how to handle a problem. Sometimes you really can’t do it alone. And if we believe that we can never say anything bad–ever, then we may think it’s wrong to ask someone for advice.

Notice I didn’t say that it’s okay to talk to your entire small group, or your whole women’s Bible study, or all of your relatives and friends. Nope. But 1 mentor, whom you trust and who can pray with you and give you guidance? Absolutely.

Just Duck! Pray and Let God Take Care of It

I see variations of this one everywhere, too. If you have a huge marriage problem that isn’t going away, don’t be your husband’s conscience. Speak your mind once, and then duck! Get out of the way and let God be the one to smack him!

Besides being a little passive aggressive and manipulative (I’m going to sit back and wait for you to do exactly what I want, and wait for God to do what I want, and I’m going to watch and see and not be happy until it happens), I don’t think it’s biblical.

I think this one really depends on what it is we’re talking about. Some things in marriage you absolutely have to let go. No question about it! But some things in marriage you CAN’T let go, and indeed, I think it’s even wrong to let them go. If your husband is going down a bad path–say with porn, or with refusing to work, or with refusing to work on major psychological issues–sitting back and doing nothing enables him to go further and further away from God’s plan for wholeness in his life.

Matthew 18 clearly says what we’re supposed to do when someone sins. We confront them, one on one. If that doesn’t work, we go get 2-3 other Christians and confront him together. We don’t blab to the whole church; but we do find someone we respect and who loves God to help us. That’s the biblical model. You’re to be a spouse, not an enabler. Now, I don’t think this applies to most marriage issues (like he’s not doing enough housework, or I don’t like the TV shows he watches). But there is a point where you do need to intervene, and doing nothing often enables sin.

God First, Husband Second, Kids Third, You Last

Here’s another one I 99% agree with–but it can get really warped.

I know a lovely woman who loves God. She serves in the church doing all kinds of things. She’s involved in city-wide missions. Her kids are in tons of activities, and they’re doing well. She always has a home cooked meal on the table. The laundry is done. Her husband has his shirts ironed. The house is clean.

There’s only one problem. I don’t think she’s had a night to herself in over five years, and I’m not exaggerating.

We can’t pour into our family’s lives if we have nothing left to pour. You need some time to yourself, everyday. Even just half an hour. Find a way to grab it. It’s not selfish, and in the end you’ll find that your family does better when you’re not burned out.

Your Kids Do Better if You’re Happy

If it’s not selfish to take half an hour to yourself, then isn’t this one true?

Well, not really. What kids really need is to know that they are loved, cherished, and safe in a stable home. Studies show that kids do best in a stable home, not necessarily a home where mom is blissful. Your happiness matters far less to your kids than the stability they have.

That’s not nice to hear, and we instinctively think, “but I’m a better mom if I’m happy!” To a certain extent, sure. But I’ve heard women justify a lot in terms of “my kids will be better if I’m happy”. We work 55 hour weeks because we need to be fulfilled, and what kind of mom will I be if I’m not fulfilled? I knew a mom who left her kids in camp for five weeks straight in the summer when they were under 10 because she needed to travel to be fulfilled–and her husband worked full time.

And then there was a dear friend who left her husband because of this. “The kids will be fine,” she said, “once they see that I’m happy.”

Nope. Absolutely not. Kids do better in a stable but low conflict marriage than they do with divorced parents. (we’re not talking about abuse here; just unhappiness). If you care about your kids’ happiness, then do what you can to make yourself happy in the marriage that you’re in, don’t dream of greener grass somewhere else.

Have Problems? Just Have Sex a Lot!

You would think that I’d agree with this–after all, I’m the Christian Sex Lady! But while I absolutely believe that sex should be frequent in marriage, I don’t think sex cures everything.

You see, the real issue is not the frequency of sex as much as it is the meaning of sex. If sex has become really pornographic in your marriage, and you’re basically using each other, not really making love, then sex can actually reinforce a really bad habit. Making love is not the same thing as having sex, and if both of you–or one of you–is having sex but fantasizing about porn or using porn at the same time, then having more sex is not going to cure that problem.

Similarly, you can’t cure a guy of porn use just by making love more frequently. He needs to first renounce the porn, and start reconditioning his brain to be aroused by real intimacy, not by images. If your marriage has been ravaged by porn, here’s 4 things you need to do now.

What About GOOD Marriage Advice?

Want some better marriage advice–stuff that actually works? Here are my 25 Marriage Tips (fun and short!), or the 50 Best Marriage Quotes from marriage bloggers.

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Published on October 23, 2013 04:03

October 22, 2013

Reader Question: Help! I Caught My Son Watching Porn

Every week I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s a scenario that all too many parents deal with: what do you do when you catch your son watching porn (or your daughter watching porn)? Here’s an email I received:

This morning, I had to be out of the house for a little while and my 15 year old son babysat my 6 year old son. We let our 6-year-old get on the computer because he is a music FANATIC and spends hours on youtube watching videos, especially classic rock. Today my older son walked in and caught him looking at some ugly pictures. A quick look at the history reveals he had typed in “sexy neckit (naked) girls” in the search engine and I am DEVASTATED at what he saw. Images that I didn’t even want to see, much less my SIX year old. I want to handle this correctly…I don’t know what to do. I need to know WHY he even searched for that and I need to know how to punish him. It is making me feel like a miserable failure as a parent (we don’t monitor enough, we don’t go to sunday school enough, etc) I can’t stop crying. Of course I called my husband at work and I’m going to wait until he gets home so we can both talk to him. Our older son asked our younger son why he was looking at that and he said “my mind told me to and I cant control it” Please, do you have any advice how to handle this??

Isn’t that tough? So let’s try to work this through.

Most Children will See Porn Before they are 18

Porn accounts for 25% of the web pages on the net, and chances are your children will see it. Indeed, 43% see it before age 13. Often it’s by accident; I remember one friend telling me about her 11-year-old son doing a school project on nursery rhymes, and while he was at school he typed in something about Little Bo Peep. Guess what came up? The teacher had to hurry over and minimize the screen, because all these kids were staring, mouths agape. I’ve had that experience, too–I’ve been searching for something innocent and you click on a link and it’s porn. So chances are they will see something.

Early Porn Use is Heavily Associated with Later Porn Addiction

I’m not saying, though, that because everybody will see it it therefore means you shouldn’t be worried. On the contrary, almost everyone I’ve talked to who uses porn heavily started when they were teenagers. The root is found back then. And it makes sense. As a teen, your brain is still forming, and indeed it’s going through a lot of changes. If you start to see porn when you’re just starting to develop sexual feelings, the porn images get fused with the arousal sections of your brain, and you start to depend on those images for arousal. The porn also activates the pleasure centers of your brain, in a similar way that drugs do. So you start to form these connections that begin to rely on porn.

That’s why we absolutely need to protect our kids from porn as much as we can. So here are some strategies to do that.

What to Do If You Catch Your Son Watching Porn

This mom reports being devastated and crying all day, and I totally understand. A little bit of crying isn’t going to hurt your child, and it will cement the idea that you’re sorry FOR your child.

And that’s what I would emphasize: “I’m sorry you saw that, because it’s dangerous and I want so much more for you.” Rather than expressing anger, just talk matter of factly about it. You certainly don’t want your child to associate sex with shame, but at the same time you don’t want your son (or daughter) thinking that this is what sex is.

So start explaining to them, “I know you’re curious about what people look like naked because you probably hear about it everywhere–on movies, and at school. But that’s something that’s just for marriage. When we start looking at people like that then we start thinking about people just about their bodies–and we’re so much more than that.” You can even start a discussion about what makes a good person, and how it has nothing to do with what they look like.

And then say that bodies are fun and beautiful, but we’re not supposed to share them with everyone, it’s just for marriage.

What about if you catch a child who is much older? Then I think the key is to be honest with them fully: one of the reasons I don’t want you watching porn is because I want you to have a great sex life when you’re married, and this will wreck it. Tell them about how it retrains the brain to get aroused by an image, and not a person, so that when you’re married you can’t even really enjoy sex with your wife. If you want to enjoy sex, you have to ignore porn.

I heard this awesome story from a mom at the MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) conference I was speaking at last week. She went to bed one night (her husband was away at work) at about 11, and when she woke up an hour later she saw that her 14-year-old son’s light was still on. She had thought he was doing homework, but she got up to check, and as soon as she came in the room he minimized the screen. She asked what he was doing; he admitted he had been watching porn.

She immediately pulled up a chair, said, “Cool! Let’s watch it together.” Then she maximized the screen and started clicking through, providing commentary the whole way (that’s not real; she’s had surgery; no one really enjoys that). About 10 minutes in he grabbed the mouse and minimized the screen again, absolutely mortified. And he said, “can we get filters on our computer?” I think she wrecked it for him!

If you want to learn more about how to handle kids and porn, Covenant Eyes has a great FREE ebook out called “Parenting the Internet Generation“.

How to Lessen the Chance Your Child Will Watch Porn

How do you lessen the chance they’ll watch porn? Some quick steps:

1. Keep the computer in a central place.

Kids normally watch porn and become addicted if they have a computer in their rooms. Make all internet use happen at the dining room table or the living room, so that you’re doing it as a family.

2. Turn off wifi when you go to bed.

Turning in at 10:30? Turn off the wifi so your child can’t surf late at night. That’s often when they start! And have a central dock in the kitchen for charging all phones/iPads overnight. Make it a rule that devices get left to charge there, so that kids aren’t surfing at night on their phones.

3. Watch whose house your child hangs out at

The most common place to view porn, other than in your house, is at a friend’s house. And often kids see porn without even wanting to because a friend shows them, and it’s awkward to ask the friend to stop. So, in general, have kids hahttp://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/wp-ad... out at your house when you can supervise. If they go to a friend’s house, check what their computer rules are.

4. Get filters on the computer

Honestly, these really are a great deterrent. Yes, a determined, smart child may be able to find their way around them. But filters stop the chance that searches for “Little Bo Peep” will bring something icky. And they mean that if a child wants to see something, they have to be very determined. A momentary temptation won’t be able to drag them in.

I really believe that every family should have filters. They can’t stop everything, but think about it this way: 30 years ago if you wanted porn, you had to go to a store and buy it, and it was kept on the top magazine rack. It’s not like you had a shelf full of Playboys in your house, in the living room, and you just said to your kids: I don’t want you looking. But that’s what we’re doing today if we don’t have filters. It’s like we have DVDs and magazines all over the house, and we’re telling kids, “don’t look.” Putting a filter on is like putting those DVDs and magazines back on the top rack of the store, and out of easy access. Isn’t that better?

Covenant Eyes is a great program that lets you restrict access to certain types of sites, and sends a report to the person of your choosing of what sites everybody has chosen to try to access. So it really does work as a great deterrent. And I think this is a service for our teens. Porn is very tempting. If you could partially remove that temptation, isn’t that being kind? And Covenant Eyes is offering a month free to our readers (just click the link and it will know you’re from here).

5. Model Healthy Sexuality

Be affectionate with your spouse in front of the kids. Talk to them about sex and tell them that in marriage it’s good. Let them know that you’re not uptight–you actually want great sex, not a counterfeit.

6. Pray Lots–and Get Your Kids Praying, Too

Finally, there’s no substitute for the power of the Holy Spirit in your child’s life. I heard another story from a mom whose 9-year-old son jumped off the computer like it was on fire one day. The mom was startled and asked the child what was going on. He replied, “I wanted to search for naked pictures, so I typed it in, and as I did, I heard God say, “Ethan, Stop It.” Really loudly. So I got off the computer.”

He heard God’s voice! And that’s a wonderful thing. So make sure your kids are involved at a great church. Talk to them about God at home. Model prayer to them–pray about everything, just in quick sentences. Let them see you praying to resist temptation to gossip, or to feel proud, or whatever, so they see that they can do this, too.

Now it’s your turn: what have you done to protect your children from porn? What experiences have you had with your children and porn? Let us know in the comments!

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Published on October 22, 2013 05:35

October 21, 2013

Back from MOMCon!

Hi everybody!

Today’s the first day in about a year that I’ve missed a post on a weekday–sorry, but I’m just wiped! Got home from the MOPS annual convention this weekend, and I’m still on a high. What a great time we had!

Over 3000 leaders of MOPS groups from around North America were there, and about 1800 of them ended up in one of my “Girl Talk” workshops. Then I so enjoyed speaking to so many at the booth later.

My oldest daughter was with me, and she got a lot of ribbing about having to listen to her mom talk about sex (for the record, she doesn’t come in to the talk. There are certain things you just don’t want to hear your mom talking about!).

Anyway, I’m going to put up my Reader Question feature tomorrow, and I have a great one planned.

But today I’m unpacking and grocery shopping and trying to enter in all the ballots, etc., so that I can choose a winner for where I’m coming to speak this spring. So I’m a little busy.

In the meantime, a number of MOPS moms have asked about the video I showed in the middle of my talk, and here it is:

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Published on October 21, 2013 11:06

October 18, 2013

What if Politicians Aren’t the Problem?

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column addresses the problem of democracy and the solution to make it a well-oiled wheel.

Mel Gibson opined last week that someone needs to “arise from the ashes” and save his nation from the current crop of pathetic politicians. People love to complain about politicians, and blame everything on those in Ottawa, or Washington, or wherever your ire is currently focused. And yet I’m not entirely sure that’s fair.

If I were to ask one hundred random people to name the best American President, the majority would likely name Abraham Lincoln. Yet my husband and I watched the movie Lincoln over the weekend, and it struck me that what that great man faced wasn’t all that different from what politicians face now.

Today we’d all be in agreement that outlawing slavery is a no-brainer. But we sometimes forget that this was actually controversial–even in the northern states who were fighting against the southern ones in the Civil War. And Lincoln had a devil of a time getting an anti-slavery amendment passed. This great politician, whom we all like to remember as leading his people by the strength of his moral fortitude, had to do backroom deals like the rest of them. The reason was simple, and it’s that messy thing we call democracy.

While Lincoln wanted the amendment, many people did not. And as a politician, it’s not a great idea, if you want to be re-elected, to vote against what your constituents want. Lincoln’s problem, then, wasn’t really the politicians as much as it was the people. If Abraham Lincoln, of all politicians, couldn’t get something that was 100% morally right passed without shady backroom maneuvers, why do we think anyone can get anything done pristinely?

Why doesn’t the U.S. government end the shutdown? Because people don’t agree about what should be done, so how can politicians? Why doesn’t the Canadian government do something about welfare, or the environment, or the coming health care crisis, or the coming pension crisis, or marriage, or abortion, or whatever else you’re worried about? Because people don’t agree. And if we don’t agree, it’s awfully hard for politicians to accomplish much of anything.

Winston Churchill once said that democracy was the worst form of government, except for all of the others that had been tried, and I think he was right. It would be much easier to get things done if politicians didn’t have to worry about what the people who elected them thought. But they do need to worry, and if they do anything too controversial, they’ll tick off a large portion of their constituents. No wonder it’s often easier to not do much of anything at all.

I think the essential problem of democracy is that everybody wants as big a piece of the pie as they can get. It’s just like the Newfoundland cod fishery: everyone fishes and takes as much as they can because they know if they don’t take it now, someone else is going to get it. So we all take too much, and we end up wrecking it.

Alexis de Tocqueville, a French philosopher writing in the mid 1800s, toured through America, trying to understand democracy. And he concluded that, “A democracy can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury.” When people realize they can vote themselves favours, they won’t vote for the public good. They’ll vote to enrich themselves. We’ll end up fighting against each other instead of figuring out the best thing to do.

Politicians cannot act for the good of the country until people are willing to put the good of the country above their own interests. We can’t ask politicians to do what we, as individuals, do not seem capable of doing. And so the problem, I don’t think, is with the politicians. The problem is with us.

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