Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 227

Why Women Are Control Freaks

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. Today’s was more political in nature, so I thought I’d rerun a column from a few years ago, that I wrote to help men understand women. Usually I’m writing to women, and telling women how they should STOP these tendencies. But sometimes it’s helpful to let men understand how men and why women do what they do–even if the women are being counterproductive.

If you’re a guy, and you’ve always thought, “my wife is a control freak!”, read on. And if you’re a woman, maybe share this with your guy!

I’m writing this not to excuse women, but to help men understand what’s going on. I write lots of posts for women on how to improve their marriage. Here’s just a little insight into the female brain for the men:

As I’m writing this, my family is preparing to depart for two weeks on vacation. I am desperately tending to my email, ridding the fridge of any stray produce, washing all the laundry, heading to the bank, and somewhere in there I’m packing. And I’m managing to pull it all off while still barking orders at my kids. I am the very model of a modern wifely drill sergeant.

Few can issue orders as effectively as women when we are in control freak mode. We want the house cleaned because company is coming, and even though we’ve ignored the mess for two weeks it is now absolutely imperative that everybody drop what they’re doing and polish something. We want to get to work early, so everyone must hurry up and grab breakfast and by the way has anyone seen my purse? We have our agenda, and everybody had better get into line.

What men may not realize, though, is that when women get into control freak mode, it’s not because we particularly want to control people.

Let me get psychological for just a moment. A woman’s biggest fear is that she’s going to lose those things that she loves most. She wants to feel like her family is close-knit, her kids are safe, and everyone is secure. When something threatens that—because the kids are pulling away, or everyone’s too busy, or you’re distant—we feel out of control, and start issuing orders to compensate. Or, even worse, if we feel that we’re not doing a stellar job at caring for the family, then we really lose it, because we’re afraid that if the family falls apart, it will be our fault. We may imply again and again that it’s yours, but it’s only to deflect the blame we feel. We’re afraid we’re not good enough.

We’re not control freaks; we’re just scaredy cats! Perhaps that doesn’t sound like a big improvement, but it is, because once you understand that, you can help us bridge that sanity gap and end up in relational bliss once more. For you men in a relationship, here’s the key to helping your beloved relax and calm down: realize that when she gets stressed, it’s not because her primary goal in life is to stifle you. It’s because she’s scared things are falling apart. And the more scared she feels, the more she tries to clamp down.

That creates this strange situation in many homes where the wife starts running everything—the kids’ schedules, the doctors’ appointments, the educational plans, the finances, the housework—while the husband pulls away because she so obviously doesn’t need or want him involved. Don’t look at the situation logically, though. Look at it lovingly. Sure she’s doing everything. Sure she’s got a to-do list for you a mile long. But this doesn’t mean she wants to run everything; more than likely it means that she wants you to start taking more of the reins.

Don’t react to what we do; react to what’s going on inside. And then step up and be a man. Start talking to us about decisions. Get involved in the family. Listen to our concerns. And then develop your own opinions about what you think is best. Show us you care. Show us you’ve thought about it, too. Relieve us of the burden of messing stuff up, all on our own. That’s what we really want you to do, regardless of what it may look like.

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Women Living Well–The Book and a Giveaway!

Women Living Well–The Book

My friend Courtney, from Women Living Well, has her first book out! It went live this week, and she’s so excited, and I’m so proud of her! I’ve known Courtney for years, but we actually met in person at last year’s Allume bloggers’ conference. Here I am (in the middle) with Darlene, the Time Warp Wife, on the left, and Courtney on the right.

Courtney’s passion is to show women that they can find joy in embracing the “time warp wife” role–by Finding Joy in your role as wife and mom. We don’t need to listen to everything society tells us about how we need fulfillment in all kinds of ways. We need to remember that God ultimately gives us fulfillment, and that as we love those He has given us, we will find joy.

So in her book she takes us step by step into finding joy in the things that matter most–first with God, then with our husbands, then with our kids, and then with our homes. Let’s put first things first!

Courtney is really passionate about joy in service, and it shows through everything she writes. I’m sure you’ll love the book, and here’s a taste:

I talk a lot about marriage on this blog, too, and it’s something that I think a ton about. So rather than talking about what Courtney wrote about marriage, I thought I’d tell you a little bit about Courtney–and what I got from reading the book.

Courtney and Darlene roomed together at the Allume conference, along with another blogger. That takes a lot of guts. I don’t room with people when I go away. I really like my space.

But needless to say, we all hung out in their room because that’s where all the action was! It was fun, and it was loud, and they had food. At the time, Courtney was finishing up her manuscript for the book, and she was frantically writing whenever she had a chance.

One thing I vividly remember, though, is that whenever I went into their room to chat, her Bible was sitting open on her bed. That says a lot to me–she was constantly in the Word.

And that was the part of the book that spoke to me the most personally. I’ve always struggled with maintaining a meaningful devotional life. I think because I think and talk so much about Scripture, it almost seems like every time I open my Bible it has to be as part of a large, in-depth Bible study. And when I don’t have time for that, or don’t have the energy for it, I always feel a little bit guilty. What can I get out of the Bible today, then, if I don’t have 10 different coloured pencils and a notebook on hand?

But Courtney gave me a new way of looking at it. Instead of always seeing the Bible like it has to be a big study, ask yourself,

What specifically is God saying to me today?

And as you’re reading, look for that verse that you can meditate on. And I’ve started to do that. It’s such a little thing–finding a verse that speaks to you everyday. But I do it. And when I find that verse, I write it in my journal and write about it. And then I write it on a little verse card, and carry it around with me that day, and keep referring back to it. And it helps me focus.

Last week my blog was doing wonky things again, and I couldn’t edit anything. It was fine on the front end (the part you see) but not for me. And then I read a simple verse about protection:

For you, O Lord, are a shield around me, you’re my glory, and the lifter of my head. (Psalm 3:3)

I’d had my head in my hands all day, worrying, and God said, “I’ll lift your head, and I’ll fight for you.” And so I carried that verse with me–and the blog fixed all on its own, without me doing anything.

That’s what Women Living Well is like–big picture things about how to see our roles in life, but then little picture things of practical ways to put it into practice.

I love it! And Courtney is giving away two copies! Read below to enter.

31 Days to Great Sex in Paperback

Meanwhile, I have my own “new” book out! It’s not really new; it’s just that I’ve finally put 31 Days to Great Sex in paperback as well! And I’m so excited about it.

I’ve sold thousands of copies of the ebook, and that’s still the most inexpensive way to buy it, but I know that many people wanted a book they could hold (and it makes a great stocking stuffer, too!). So here it is!

The only downside is that shipping from Canada is a little hefty. My shopping cart is actually overcharging for shipping by about $2 (it’s a glitch I can’t fix), so I’ve put the book on permanent sale from $12 to $10 to make up for it. And you can get an additional $3 off by using the coupon code “Sizzle” on checkout (because who doesn’t want their marriage to sizzle?).

And you can win a copy below by entering, too!

Rafflecopter Giveaway

I’ll be giving away 2 copies of Courtney’s book, and one paperback of 31 Days to Great Sex. The first two winners drawn will win Courtney’s book, and the third my book. These prizes are only available to those in North America, but if someone from another continent wins, I’ll substitute some ebooks for the prize.

I’ll do the draw next Thursday at midnight EST. Just enter using the Rafflecopter below.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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The post Women Living Well–The Book and a Giveaway! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Wifey Wednesday: Insecurity in Marriage

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below!

Today we have a guest post from Rajdeep Paulus, a YA author who blogs at In Search of Waterfalls. She’s sharing with us about how her husband helped her low self-esteem–and helped her overcome her insecurity about her relationship.

When we first tied the knot, I walked nearly every step with insecurity. Jealous, afraid, and constantly putting myself down. In fact, whenever an argument ensued, even about the silliest thing like dishes or socks on the floor, I quickly resorted to digging a grave. My grave. With words like, “It’s all my fault. I should have asked you nicely. (Or my personal favorite.) I’m always wrong. I’m the screwed up one, so I’ll just go over to my little corner and throw me another pity party. Last one was five minutes ago, but who’s counting.”

Life in those newlywed days wasn’t too different from a scene out of a bad sitcom. When one dish fell to the ground with a crash, I would throw the rest down, metaphorically-speaking. Something about the din of breaking glass dulled my pain and masked the deeper issues. I believed lies about myself that pushed me into a cave so deep within myself, I had no idea how to get out and to be honest, I think I kind of liked my cave. The comfort of the familiar mess I lived in seemed like a safe place to sit and hurt.

But then you get married and now your cave is his cave and if you hurt, he hurts too. And the truth is, unless you let each other into those deep places, you live in a lonely place while you live with someone. And that has got to be one of the saddest states to be in. Together. And alone.

For the record, I didn’t grow up in an abusive home. I didn’t experience any major trauma in my upbringing. There’s no moment I can point to and say, there, that’s where this warped thinking started. And something tells me I’m not alone. A lot of us struggle with a healthy view of ourselves and no matter how many times someone says to you, ‘You is kind. You is smart. You is important,” you still don’t believe it.

So my FIVE tips on how to help your Spouse’s Self Esteem are not out of a Psychology book or a Ten Steps guide.

It’s from my life. A work still in progress.

1. Repeat truths, every night, to counteract the lies of insecurity.

I am totally serious about this. Hubs used to have me say, “I’m beautiful and God made me beautiful so I’m beautiful” 3X every night. No joke. At first, I’d choke on the words with tears, because I just knew they weren’t true. Over time, I began to believe them. Now, fifteen years later, ask me to say them, and I’ll shout’em from the rooftop. You better believe they’re true.

2. Take care of your body and your health in general.

It doesn’t matter whether you work out together or apart, but exercise and make good food choices. I’m not talking about constant dieting or trying to work your body into a size that it’s not meant for. But the truth is, certain foods really do trigger depressing thoughts and when you do take care of your body, you feel prettier, more confident and all around more comfortable in your own skin. Yes, it’s an investment. Of time and money (if you join a gym) and it takes discipline. But you’ll be so thankful for the results, the internal ones so much more than the exterior.

3. Spend time with other friends, and don’t make your marriage the only source of your emotional fulfillment.

Girlfriend time is what I’m referring to. Or sports night out for guys type of thing. If you rely on your hubby to meet all your social needs, you’ll wear him out. And you’ll be gravely disappointed. Our spouses are not meant to be our all in all. They’re only human, after all.

4. Spend time with God and nurture your spiritual health.

Some people might shy away from this because they didn’t grow up with religion or had too much religion forced on them so they’re done. Maxed out and filled to the brim with all that mumbo jumbo. Well, I challenge you to find yourself the place where you do it for you. Read a psalm. Listen to a song with lyrics that tell you the truth. Pray for someone who is hurting in your life. And ask God, not the mirror, mirror on the wall, the truth about you. Fill your head and heart with truth and over time, the lies will fade. I really believe they will.

5. Spend intentional time together where you’re not distracted by work, kids, finances, and stress.

In other words, date as a couple. It’s not easy. But who ever promised that marriage would be easy. And take turns planning. It helps the planner to get a break and the other spouse to initiate. And when one spouse initiates a date night, it speaks volumes to the value that spouse places on the marriage. And once a year, if possible, invest in something longer, a weekend, a marriage retreat, a class like PAIRS or Third Option, something that says, “My Marriage is important and worth fighting for.” Read a book together like the Five Love Languages and then actively apply what you’ve learned. Who cares if you didn’t think of it? Someone did the work for you, but you still have to choose to get off your comfortable behind and live out the challenge. I always say that falling in love takes a moment, but loving someone takes a lifetime. Of daily choices. One act of kindness at a time. That’s the journey of marriage.

You might have noticed that none of these points to conquer insecurity in marriage included therapy or specific words to say or even a formula for how to get through low self-esteem seasons in your marriage. That’s because I don’t have them. What I have learned is that “the grass is greener where you water it,” but the weeds of life will never cease popping up to try and mess us up. When you take the time to take care of yourself, your spouse’s’ self-esteem issues should move to a better place, but ultimately, you cannot fix or change him. You have to work on you. And that helps the team of us. Every time. I really believe it does.

**On a side note, there’s something to say for complimenting your spouse in public, being thankful for your marriage in front of company, and championing his dreams in and out of the house, even if deep down you question the rationale for such a dream or his ability to reach it. Everyone needs a cheerleader in life. After all, we don’t walk this life alone. We weren’t meant to. And something mysterious happens when we allow those dreams to soar like kites. They lift us up, give us something to look forward to and help us swim through the cloudy days of marriage.

What’d I miss? What has helped you and your spouse during a season of doubt, insecurity or sadness? Got any date night ideas you want to share? Let us know in the comments!

Rajdeep Paulus studied English Literature at Northwestern University, and spent over a decade as an English Teacher and SAT Tutor, during which she married her best friend from Chicago whom she then followed to the island of Dominica where he began medical school. Fourteen years, four daughters, and a little house on a hill in the quaint town of Locust Valley, New York later, she now blogs weekly and writes masala-marinated, Y.A. fiction.When Raj is not tapping on her Mac, you can find her dancing with her princesses, kayaking with her hubs, coaching basketball or eating dark chocolate while sipping a frothy, sugar-free latte. She blogs at www.insearchofwaterfalls.com and secretly hopes someday she’ll own a laptop that functions under water.

And check out her first YA Novel: Swimming Through Clouds! Sheila reviewed it here.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Just enter the URL of the individual post in the linky below! And make sure to link back here, too, so that other people can read all these great marriage posts!

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The post Wifey Wednesday: Insecurity in Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Finding Love Again in Your Middle Years

Jane’s husband died of cancer when Jane was in her early forties. She didn’t know if she’d be alone the rest of her life, and the thought scared her. But just a few months later she reconnected with a childhood friend and, after dating for four years, they married. Jane feels like she has a whole new lease of life. Her first marriage was often rocky, but with this man she’s relaxed and feels cherished. It’s wonderful.

Susan, now 57, has a different story. She and her first husband had been together for 22 years, in what Susan thought was a good marriage. They did things together. They had hobbies. They even took a year’s sabbatical to take their children around the world. They had adventures. Yet one day her husband sat down with her and told her, out of the blue, that he had met another woman.

Susan’s self-esteem was shot, and she spent the next ten years working on herself – building up good friendships, having adventures of her own, travelling and volunteering. On one of these volunteer excursions she met a man about her age who had recently been widowed. They’ve been married for two years now, and Susan has never been happier.

Diane was 43 and had always been single when she decided to start looking online. She met a pastor who had been divorced (his wife left him), and they’ve been happily married for five years now.

Last Saturday, my good friend Donna was married for the second time. Her first husband, like Susan’s, left her for another woman, leaving her with three kids to raise. Donna spent the next decade or so doing just that. And though she longed to get married again, looking around the Christian community in her small town, it didn’t look like much of a possibility. There just weren’t single Christian men around.

Yet a little over a year ago Donna started dating a man who was new in his faith. The man has grown by leaps and bounds, and God is opening up doors of ministry for Donna that she never dreamed of. It’s so neat to see what God is doing in her life, and now she’s finally going to get that chance at real love again.

I know many of my readers are like Donna, Susan or Jane. You wanted a marriage that lasted your whole lifetime but, for whatever reason, your first marriage didn’t last. Maybe it was because he died, but more often than not, the marriage fell apart for other reasons. How do you find love again?

I personally believe that God loves marriage, and that marriage is a good thing that helps us fight against loneliness and helps us have a partner to support us in everything. If your first marriage ended because your husband broke vows – by having an affair, by being abusive, etc. – then I think remarriage can be a wonderful thing.

I know some women feel called to wait for their wayward husbands to return. If God has asked you to do that, and He’s giving you the strength for it, then that’s wonderful. But I think that He does bless it when two believers choose to marry so that they can serve Him together – even if their pasts aren’t perfect.

So, today let’s talk about how to find that ‘special someone’ when you’re not 20 anymore.

How to find a husband in your middle years
1. Get out and do interesting things

If someone were to ask you what sort of man you’d want to marry, what would you say? You’d likely want someone who was interesting, who had hobbies, who volunteered, who did things. Well, if you want to meet that kind of person, you yourself need to be interesting also. You need to have hobbies, volunteer etc. Susan found her husband when they were working together on a hospital volunteer project.

You aren’t going to meet people sitting at home doing nothing. So volunteer, especially at city-wide Christian or church things, like a Christian radio station, a food bank, or a missions team.

2. Check out other churches

Your church may not have a lot of single middle aged men. So broaden your horizons! Visit other churches. Ask friends to set you up. I know it’s scary, but if it’s something you really want, you need to go out and make it happen, not just sit back and hope that someone crosses your path.

3. Consider online dating

We’re often scared of online dating because of the fear of getting fixed up with someone creepy, or someone dangerous. Are there really good guys online?

You betcha! Think about it this way: you’re a great woman, and you’re thinking of looking online. Why wouldn’t there also be a great guy – maybe who has a demanding career so he doesn’t have a lot of time to meet people – who is also stuck in a church where there aren’t a lot of single women? Why not try it?

eHarmony.com.au, for instance, doesn’t give out your name and address until you choose to. You get to know the person online, and you can ask them questions. I recommend: “what’s your favourite Bible verse other than John 3:16″ to make sure they really are a Christian, and “what did you last volunteer at at church” to make sure they do really go.

If getting married again is a priority for you, then treat it like a priority. This doesn’t mean that you don’t trust God, and you do, of course, always need to remember that God comes first, not a relationship. If He asks you to be single, you need to be content with that. Even us married women! We need to know that whatever comes, God will always be enough.

But that doesn’t mean that we don’t go out and try to find someone, if that’s a desire that He has put in your heart (and I do believe that it’s a natural one). I don’t like the thought of people being alone when they don’t want to be. So give online dating a try – you can even filter by religion – then pray about it and see what happens.

How to decide whether to marry him

If you’ve met a prospective husband, here are a few things to consider:

4 things you need in a husband

I wrote a post a while ago for younger women about the four things you need in a husband. It applies just as much the second time around –perhaps more so, because you’ll have baggage, and the marriage will be that much more of a challenge.

You’ll need to share your time and passions – can you?

I know a woman who’s in her late 60s. She’s been divorced for forty years. She’s had the opportunity to date again lately (it seems that once you hit 60 those opportunities increase because more men are widowed). But she has said no.

She’s happy as she is. Yes, she gets lonely and misses having a husband sometimes. But she is very close to her children and grandchildren, and knows that if she were to remarry, she’d have to ‘adopt’ his children and grandchildren, too. And she’d have to spend less time on some of the ministries she’s involved in to take on more of his. And she just doesn’t want her time being carved up like that.

So she has chosen to remain single, and I think that’s likely wise.

How much baggage does he have?

It’s highly unlikely that you’ll marry someone after age 40 who doesn’t have significant baggage from previous relationships. After all, you probably have baggage too. Before you marry, find out what that baggage is. Sit down with a counsellor and make sure you know the whole story. Be careful of anything that smells of abuse, financial carelessness, etc.

And remember that when you marry, you’re taking on the children as well – if there are any. What are the custody arrangement like? Are he and his ex constantly going to court? Do his kids get along with your kids?

If you’re prayed through these things, and decided that this is the guy – as my friend Donna has –then here are some more thoughts:

How to make that second marriage work

If this is a second marriage, how do you make it work? I asked for some advice on my Facebook page a while ago to give to my friend Donna, and it was wonderful! Here are some snippets:

Don’t jump to conclusions. There are things that all men do. And when the new man does the same thing the old man did, it will cause a bit of a flashback. Always remember, he’s the new guy, not the old one.
Be patient with each other. It’s hard to unlearn the things you learned in your previous marriage.
Be more loving. I’m also on my second marriage and I promised myself I would be a different person from the inside out. I’m more understanding, more comforting, more loving and definitely more open to intimacy. I also learned what isn’t acceptable in a marriage. I’ve learned that he doesn’t deserve to be compared to my ex and nor has he done what my ex has done.
Let no one come between you except Jesus Christ. Never say anything unpleasant about each other to anyone else. Anything material that is left from the first marriage (furnishings, dishes, art work, that sort of thing) I advise she get rid of – give away or sell – just seeing these things in the household can trigger memories, even at a subconscious level.
From someone who was in a 20 year abusive marriage and has been remarried for almost two years to a very loving, caring man…remember life is too short for any drama, say “I love you” every single day and enjoy this wonderful blessing God has given you for a second chance at love.

There are so many more great tidbits there! Go check it out.

My prayers are with Donna as she moves into her new life!

And for the rest of you: what advice would you have for a woman who is getting married for the second time?

(Please, in the comments, let’s not debate whether or not it’s okay to remarry. I agree that remarriage is not right if there were no proper grounds for divorce, but I do believe that if there were grounds for divorce, there are also grounds for remarriage, and I really don’t want to debate that in the blog. So many people reading this blog ARE on their second marriages, and I do want to see these marriages thrive, too–rather than subjecting them to condemnation. And I also believe that when you have been abused or cheated on, there is a lot of grace out there. God can redeem, and I don’t want the comments section to be hurtful to my friend, or to others walking through this. Thank you.)

The post Finding Love Again in Your Middle Years appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Reader Question: How Do I Resist Having Sex with My Fiance?

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at it! Today let’s deal with one I get frequently from young women: “I want to wait until marriage, but it’s hard!”

Here’s one email that I received:

My boyfriend and I really want to wait until marriage to make love. We know how important purity is. But we’ve been so tempted, and we’ve already gone further than we should. We haven’t had sex yet, but I’m afraid that it’s just a matter of time. I don’t want to start my marriage like that! What do I do?

I know that’s a struggle so many people have, so I thought I’d address it today. If the problem is more that you’ve already begun sleeping with him–or maybe even living with him–and you want to stop but you’re afraid you’ll lose him, read this post on how to stop sleeping with your boyfriend. But if it’s more that you’re feeling really tempted to sleep with him now, and you’re afraid that you won’t stay pure, read on:

 

Know Why You’re Waiting

It’s hard to wait if you figure it’s just something you’re SUPPOSED to do in order to be a “good girl”. Then it’s all too easy to doubt yourself, and all too easy to get a warped view of sex, where sex is seen as something wrong that “good girls don’t do”. Nothing is further from the truth!

God wants us to wait because sex is supposed to be intimate on many levels: physical, yes, but also emotional and spiritual. It truly binds you together. And when you wait, you’ll enjoy a better sex life afterwards (as I found in the surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex). I’ve written a few posts on why God wants us to wait for marriage, and I’d suggest reading them (and getting my book!) so you have a better view of sex–and more incentive to wait!

Here’s what one woman said on Facebook when I asked my readers what their advice for waiting is:

I didn’t succeed with this, and oh… Do I wish I did. I fell into temptation. Although we did marry, and are still married 15 years later, I still find myself wishing we would have waited for marriage. I can just imagine the sacredness of the wedding night. After a long wait, completely seeking God and relying on His promises. Then feeling that huge sense of accomplishment when you know you’ve done what He commands! Sex is a gift, and when used how its intended, such a privilege and blessing. I’ve recently watched two very dear couples to us successfully wait until their wedding night, and one of them, we’re close enough girl friends for her to share with me how rewarding it was, and I would give anything to be able to experience that. Once its spent, its spent. If I’d known then what I know now, we would have definitely waited. Persevere for the reward God has for you! You will not regret it! And, congratulations!

Have a Short Engagement

Seriously. When you feel that close to each other, it is hard resist. There’s a reason that Paul wrote, “it’s better to marry than to burn” (1 Corinthians 7:9).

I got married in December. Sure, a summer wedding would have been prettier, but we wanted to marry, and why wait twelve months when we only had to wait three? If you’re sure, and he’s sure, short engagements are likely better, and much easier.

Resist Temptation by Hanging out In Public

If it’s feasible, try not to spend too much time alone in each other’s apartments or homes. I know that isn’t always feasible, especially if you each live on your own, with no roommates. But then try to plan things to do, rather than just hanging out. Go for lots of walks. Volunteer together. Take up some sports you can do together.

When we hang out at each other’s homes, we tend to make out a whole lot. And even if you don’t have sex, you can still get more physical than you would want to. But there’s another danger: if your relationship becomes mostly physical, then you get married without having anything fun that you tend to do together. So it’s better to spend those weeks and months before the wedding finding things you enjoy doing together that don’t involve a liplock.

When I asked the question on my Facebook Page a while back, “how do you resist having sex before you’re married”, this was the one thing that people were most adamant about: don’t be home alone. So do try to build boundaries and fences just to make it easier.

Get Acccountability

Do you have a good friend you can trust whom you can ask to pray for you? Do you have housemates that can hang out with both of you as a couple? If you have another couple, or a friend, that you can go to for accountability, that can help you resist. If you know someone is going to ask you pointed questions: “did you put yourself in a compromising position this week?”, or “did you go further than you want to go”?, it’s easier to say no. And if you have someone that you can talk to about where you should draw the line, that can help, too.

Be Careful About Praying and/or Talking Too Much About What You’re NOT Going to Do

This one may seem counterintuitive–after all, if you want to wait, shouldn’t you be praying together? Well, yes. And no. You see, praying is one of the most intimate things we can do together. And while I absolutely recommend that couples pray together, you could be finding that this is part of the temptation. So if you’re really struggling after you’ve prayed together, it could just be the natural pull we feel towards sex when we also feel connected in other ways. So maybe you should keep your prayer life in public, too!

But there’s another thing to consider: if you’re trying to remain pure, and you talk about it all the time, you can aggravate the problem. Let’s say that you’re experiencing a lot of sexual tension. You want to have sex, and you’re really drawn to him. What’s now going to happen if you start talking about where to draw the line? You’ll start to talk about what you CAN’T do, and likely how these things make you feel, and it just can make the whole problem worse. Again, now you’re talking about sex together, which makes you more intimate again.

You already know where the line is. You’ve already decided. You don’t need to talk about it again. Next time you’re in a compromising situation, instead of starting a big conversation about it, why don’t you go make cookies? Or go out for a walk? Or just do something else? Just don’t get into a long conversation about it, because it can feed the temptation.

Fight with the Weapons You Have–Memorize Scripture

If you’re feeling tempted, you’re hearing in your head all these messages–

you’re going to fail, you can’t resist, it would be SOOOO good, it’s hopeless!

Why not start filling your head with Scripture instead? When Jesus was tempted, He fought back with Scripture, and you can, too! When you’re going through a hard time in your Christian walk, now’s the time to pull closer to God. I’ve got a list of the 50 best Bible verses to memorize, and if you focus on those, and learn a new one every week, and keep reciting it, you’ll likely find it easier to fight back against temptation! And there are some great verses, too:

Ultimately Waiting Until Marriage Is a Heart Issue

Ultimately, though, you can put all the boundaries in place, and all the accountability in place, and none of it will work if you’re not seriously committed to waiting. I did wait because the idea of NOT waiting was never an option. I grew up always knowing I would wait, and even though it was tempting, we did. We were alone together in my apartment, and we still waited. At some point you either have the self-control or you don’t. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t put boundaries around you, but I guess I’m not as adamant as some of the people on my Facebook Page, because I really do think that it’s ultimately a heart issue. You need to decide INTERNALLY to wait, and you need to just be sure, within yourself, that this is what you’re going to do. I really like this reply by one woman:

Internal motivation vs external rules will carry you much further. I know a lot of folks are saying you should not be alone, but I don’t see that as a healthy way to spend the weeks/months leading up to marriage at ALL. My husband and I were engaged for over two years (he was in a strict military academy for 4 years, and was not allowed to marry or live off base until graduation). We were alone all the time, but stayed active with our church, multiple Bible studies, and just set our minds to waiting until the wedding. We were both virgins when we married, and relied more on the grace of God than rules we set for ourselves.

I do think that if you’re really struggling, setting up rules like don’t be alone, have accountability partners, don’t hang out in bedrooms, etc., are definitely a good idea. But, to be honest, my husband and I didn’t  have those rules, and we waited, because we were also immersing ourselves in Bible studies together and praying together and serving in church together, and we were just totally committed to waiting. I know that doesn’t work for everyone, and I think we all have different temptations that we’re prone to. But ultimately deciding to wait until marriage for sex is a heart issue, and external rules will only take you so far.

What do you think? What do you recommend for couples who want to wait until the wedding? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

The post Reader Question: How Do I Resist Having Sex with My Fiance? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Abortion: The Debate That Won’t Go Away

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column addresses the thorny issue of abortion. It’s the Canadian perspective, but I know the same issues are found the world over. 

China’s one-child policy is thirty years old now, and it’s hardly even contentious. It’s often portrayed in Canadian literature as an example of smart government intervention: a country which couldn’t feed its vast population took measures to make sure it wouldn’t become overpopulated.

But in June 2012 23-year-old Feng Jianmei put a face to the policy when she was forced to undergo an abortion at seven months since she was pregnant with her second child. The authorities grabbed her against her will and held her down while they aborted the baby. Her husband took a picture of the grieving mother with the bloody body of her baby beside her on the bed. The photograph went viral. China had to promise to punish the people who had done it.

I can’t imagine someone ripping a baby I desperately loved from my body, just because the government deemed that I had had enough. We should have control over our bodies. Or should we?

Let’s take a CBC undercover sting that reveals the diametrically opposite problem. Last year some reporters infiltrated some Canadian medical clinics and discovered that in Canada abortions were being performed based only on the sex of the baby.

The feminist response to this has been muted. Feminists are supposed to fight for women, and I can’t think of anything more anti-woman than to kill a baby simply because she’s a girl. And the effects are stunning. According to India’s 2011 census, they’re missing 37 million girls. By 2020 in China, there will be thirty million more men of marriageable age than women.

Yet how can pro-choicers protest? They firmly believe that pregnancy is all in the eye of the beholder; if the mom wants the baby, it’s a baby. If the mom doesn’t want the baby, it’s only a fetus, and you can discard it if you want. So if a mother decides that she doesn’t want a girl baby, how can a pro-choicer argue?

We Canadians tend to shy away from debates like these because they’re socially unpleasant, and abortion is something that we just can’t agree upon. Stephen Harper has been desperately trying to silence his backbenchers who want to make it a political issue, because he doesn’t want the Conservatives labeled as anti-woman. But I don’t think most Liberals would welcome the fight, either. It would be long, and it would be bloody, and most of us would rather just tune out. Can’t the abortion controversy just go away?

But it can’t. From the time a small child hears that “Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy” and a new sibling is coming, we instinctively understand that a pregnant woman is carrying a new life. The question then becomes: do we owe that life anything?

Pro-choicers told us that the debate would end soon once people realized that it was all a woman’s choice. Yet the population, and especially those under forty, is becoming more pro-life, not more pro-choice, as time goes on. A recent Environics poll found that 72% of Canadians want at least some protection for the unborn.

The debate can never really be settled because it raises such thorny issues. Is the baby a baby? Or is it solely the mother’s choice? And if it is the mother’s choice, then how can you then turn around and tell a man that he has to support a child he doesn’t want?

It isn’t straightforward, and it isn’t going away, as much as the politicians wish it would. Are the unborn alive? And if so, what does that mean? Those questions are fundamental, and we will all have to grapple with them as individuals, even if the government continues to ignore them.

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Wifey Wednesday: 6 Questions to Ask about Your Marital Intimacy

It’s Wednesday, the day that we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below!

Today we have a guest post from J from Hot, Holy and Humorous.

It’s beneficial from time to time to take stock of your life and ask if there’s anything you could improve. (Hint: There is.) Today, I hope you’ll join me in asking six questions about your marital intimacy.

1. Do we have sex often enough?

Frequency is the first order of business for many spouses. They either feel that sex is not happening often enough or their spouse is expecting sex too often. In a healthy marriage, sex is not a rare event. It’s a regular activity that expresses love and builds relationship, not to mention that it relieves stress, helps you sleep, and improves mood. So how often should you have sex?

I’ve asserted that couples should have sex at least once a week, but more often is better. If you look up and it’s been over a week, check your priorities and devote more time for physical closeness. If you’re having sex almost every day, that’s normal and healthy. Indeed, when you consider how often to have sex, just consider that it doesn’t require that much time, feels good once you get going, and should be approached not with the question “Why?” but “Why not?”

2. Does our sex life include variety?

Some couples have four positions, a location or two, and a couple of times during the day they enjoy having sex. Other couples have a vast repertoire of locations, positions, activities, times, etc. And they all might be very happy with their sexual intimacy. There are plenty of ways to spice up your sex life if you wish, but you don’t have to do something different every time.

What’s not okay is to do the same thing every time. If sex the last time is the same as this time is the same as the next time, then the whole shebang can start to feel predictable and lackluster. Branch out a little. Try a different location.Try a new position. Wear something that makes you feel especially beautiful. Introduce mutual massage with lotion or oil. Have a quickie one time and drawn-out lovemaking the next. Include variety in your sexual intimacy. You’ll likely find that you enjoy trying new things together and discovering the different physical sensations they produce.

3. Are we both enjoying our sexual encounters?

What’s the point if only one of you is having fun? Indeed, I regularly hear from husbands who say their favorite part of sex is…watching their wives experience sexual pleasure.

God intended for sex in marriage to be pleasurable. If you don’t enjoy sex, address the issue. If you have physical pain or discomfort, talk to a medical professional. If you have a bad sexual history, get counseling and work through your past. If you have a mental block from false teaching that good girls don’t enjoy sex, pick up Sheila’s The Good Girl’s Guide to Having Great Sex. If you have relational problems with your husband, communicate with him and seek couples counseling or mentoring if needed. You should be enjoying sex with your spouse and, if you aren’t, there’s an issue you need to confront. God desires that you both experience pleasure (Song of Songs 5:1).

4. Does our sexual intimacy express and foster other forms of intimacy?

Sex in marriage isn’t merely about physical sensations. In a committed and God-honoring marriage, sex should be an outgrowth of emotional, mental, recreational, and spiritual intimacy. It should include those aspects as well.

Ask whether you experience other forms of intimacy in the bedroom? Do you talk and laugh as good friends do? Do you play as recreational partners would? Do you feel more connected and loved through this experience? Do you sense that God blesses your union?

Sex should go much deeper than the brief physical joining of bodies. It represents the unique marital relationship and fosters intimacy of every kind. Ask how your marriage fares in meeting this ideal. If it’s sagging in one area or another, what can you do to foster intimacy in your relationship and/or in the bedroom?

5. Have we prayed about our sexual intimacy?

If your sexual intimacy isn’t everything you want it to be, it’s likely not what God wants it to be either. When you two are functioning according to His plan, it is downright delightful. If it falls short, take your concerns to the One who created sexual intimacy.

Yes, I know it can feel weird to pray about sex. But God’s not ashamed of what He designed for married couples. And prayer can heal. It can heal a relationship. It can heal a hurting heart. It can heal faulty thinking. Talking to God could be the most important step in figuring out how to handle your specific scenario. Let Him guide you.

6. Do we invite positive sex messages into our lives?

I’ve come to believe that an important factor in having a healthy sex life is having the support of others. Yes, the intimate act is private—between two spouses and behind closed doors. However, false messages around us can destroy marital intimacy. False messages like porn is okay, sex is only for men, sexual intimacy dies after the honeymoon, and more.

Positive messages do the opposite: They fortify the couple and give them freedom to delight in sexual intimacy. Seek out positive messaging—like girlfriends who applaud your desire to honor your husband; books, blogs, and classes that teach how to be a good and godly lover; couples or relatives who’ll care for your kids and give you couple time when you need it; church resources that nurture marriage and sexual intimacy. These days, it requires intentional action to seek out positive messages to encourage your sexual intimacy. But it’s well worth the effort.

Evaluate where your marital intimacy is and make the changes you need to make.

J is a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. She writes anonymously at Hot, Holy & Humorous, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.

 

Now it’s your turn! Have a marriage post you’d like to share with us? Just enter the URL of the individual post in the linky below! And make sure to link back here, too, so that other people can read all these great marriage posts!

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When Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with You

One of the most common questions I get is, “how do I get my husband to spend time with me?” We feel so lonely in our marriages, as if we’re living parallel lives.

Often when things go wrong in a marriage we start looking at the “big” things–we can’t communicate; we share different values; our sex life is lousy. And yet, I think, in general, the first thing to go in a marriage is the friendship. The root of most marriage problems is that we stop being friends. And when that goes, everything else follows.

Yesterday, in my post about living in a loveless marriage, I talked about the concept of a “Love Bank”: think of your relationship as a bank account. Whenever you want to talk about an issue, or discuss a problem, you’re making a “withdrawal”, because that takes a toll on a marriage (even if, in the end, it’s a good thing to do). There are unhealthy ways of making withdrawals, too–being selfish, sniping at someone, picking a fight, etc. But all of us, even if we’re angels, will have to make withdrawals at some point.

The thing about the Marriage Love Bank is that it really can’t go into a negative balance. You have no overdraft protection on it. So if you’re going to make a withdrawal, there has to be a balance there. But life, in general, draws the balance down. Just living together provides some stress, and your balance will start to diminish unless it is built up. And the best way to build it up is to laugh together. Spend time together. Feel like friends, because then you’re on the same team!

That’s why I often tell couples that if you have a major thing you need to resolve, it’s better to spend a month building your friendship and learning how to talk together again than to delve into that huge issue. You have to have a foundation of goodwill before you start trying to deal with a big problem.

I’ve written at length on how to build your friendship and do things together, and so I thought today I would link to those posts for you. So here you go: go spend time together, build your friendship, and build up your Love Bank balance!

Building Your Friendship with Your Husband

Reader Question: Help! My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me

Benefits of Walking Together

Avoiding Marriage Ruts

Just DO Something Together

Two Player Board Games you Can Play with Your Husband

50 Most Romantic Movies to Watch as a Couple

Dreaming with Your Spouse–Building a Vision Together

Hope these bless you! Now go build your friendship.

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Living in a Loveless Marriage: Will My Marriage Ever Get Better?

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at it! And today I want to tackle a heavy issue. I’ve received a number of heartbreaking emails in the last few days from women living in a loveless marriage. They’re at the end of the proverbial marriage rope. They are so sad. Their husbands seem to be always hostile or distant. They’re dying from lack of affection. And they don’t know what to do. Here’s one:

It took me a long time to figure out why I was so angry at him for so many years. It felt like he was holding back love and affection from me and that he didn’t care about or for me. Even when I tell him I would like to be hugged or touched he could barely do it. I feel rejected from my husband. Being a Christian woman I do not believe in leaving and I really do not want to. I feel like a prisoner in this relationship. I cannot leave for the commitment I made but I am dying inside with lack of affection. What am I to do? How much daily rejection can I keep taking. I touch him nicely on the shoulders or back and he acts like I am not even there. He has all sorts of “good” reasons to not be affectionate to me they all stem to something I said or did years ago.

And here’s another:

We’ve been married for three years, and he completely ignores me. He works all day, and comes home and barely acknowledges me. He checks out what I’ve made for dinner and if he doesn’t like it he orders in. Then he spends the rest of the night in front of the television. I feel trapped.

Both women are so sad because there seems to be no relationship left. It’s a completely loveless marriage–they don’t communicate, there’s only anger, and they feel trapped in this marriage. And so today I’d like to talk to those of you who do feel alone in your marriage.

I know there are so many of you reading this blog that feel desperate. Your marriages don’t bring you joy. You almost feel like it’s a prison sentence. You’re sad all the time because he really seems like he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if you’re sad. He doesn’t care if you’re exhausted. He’s hostile, and he’s angry, and he seems almost happy when you’re upset.

Now, in some cases you could be living with an emotionally abusive mate, and if you fear this is so, I really advise talking to a couple, or a counselor, who knows both of you in real life and getting their perspective. You may need to take steps to get yourself safe.

But from the emails I’ve read, it doesn’t look like that is the case. It looks like this is a longstsanding relationship issue, and after years of unmet needs the marriage has deteriorated.

And now I’m about to tell you something that may be difficult to hear. I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but I want to be truly helpful, and saying, “I know it’s hard, and that’s really, really sad” isn’t always the most helpful thing.

It is extremely rare that only one person in the marriage feels as if they are not getting their needs met.

If you’re feeling like you’re not getting your needs met–for affection, for love, for caring–the odds are almost 100% that he feels exactly the same way.

Here’s what happens: you both enter marriage needing essentially the same thing–you both want to feel cherished, connected, and loved. The problem is that the way that you experience these things is very different. So you’re both looking for very different things from each other. And the longer you go without getting them, the more a negative cycle is born. She withdraws and gets sad. He feels angry at her for blaming him for being a bad husband, when she’s not accepting him either. So he may withdraw, or even get hostile. I don’t mean violent; I just mean that there’s this air in the house like he’s always angry, and she’s always on the verge of tears.

That’s not healthy.

So let’s ask ourselves some questions, and then I’ll point you to some resources that may help.

1. If you feel like this is a completely loveless marriage, then ask: was there ever love there? When you married him, was the interaction this bad?

Look back to when you were first married. Did he ignore you? Did he fail to show you any affection? Was he angry all the time?

I highly doubt it, because few of us would marry someone who treated us this way.

Chances are when you were dating he did talk to you, and he did laugh with you, and you did love him (and he loved you). Otherwise why would you have married him?

When I read these emails sometimes, they paint a picture of such a BAD man. And yet, while it may be true in very few instances that someone is married to an antisocial personality, few of us are married to people who are essentially horrible like this. He is not a bad person. Instead, the interaction between you has caused these negative cycles to develop, and that has caused him to withdraw and become unaffectionate and angry. It is not that he is bad; it is that the way that you treated each other was bad.

Certainly some men may be nicer before they are married, and then once they are married they don’t make as much of an effort. That’s true for women, too! But if this is truly a loveless marriage, not just a lazy marriage, there’s more going on here. And I believe that in most cases, it’s a history of treating each other badly, of hearts broken because needs have not been met, of choosing to withdraw or become angry, and reinforcing this dynamic.

2. If it is a negative dynamic, then you have the power to do something about it.

If the problems in your marriage are not because your husband doesn’t love you, but more because you’ve settled into this awful way of relating to each other, then you also have the power to do something about it. If the way that you treated each other caused you both to become entrenched into this way of seeing each other, then choosing to start acting differently can also start changing it as well.

I’m not saying that you can fix everything; nobody can fix everything on their own. But by taking that first step, by being the “peacemaker” that Jesus talked about in Matthew 5, you can start getting your marriage on better footing.

3. Work first on Showing Kindness

And what should that first step be? How about simply showing kindness to him? When you have this cycle of negativity, he senses the anger and disappointment that you have in him, and it likely makes him angry, too. So how do you break that? Just be kind, and you may start to break down that wall, brick by brick. We show kindness to strangers even if they don’t return it, but somehow when it comes to marriage, we start to ask, “does he deserve this?”, or say, “he never does it for me, so why should I do it for him?” Yet this kind of tit for tat only makes everything worse.

Someone has to be the first one to do the right thing, even if that right thing isn’t reciprocated. You do the right thing simply because it’s the right thing, not because it will magically fix everything.

So do little things. If you want some ideas, check out these posts:

How to Show Kindness to Your Husband

25 Quick Ways to Show Your Husband Love

4. Work next on Your Friendship

Start doing little things everyday to be kind. Look for ways to be kind. Hopefully that will start to wear down some of the tension in the marriage. Once you’ve done that, work at trying to do things together.

Often when the marriage seems completely loveless, we want to start with tackling the big issues: you don’t show me affection, you’re always angry, you never talk to me. But you can’t start dealing with issues until you’ve built some goodwill up. Think of this like the “Love Bank”. Every time you deal with a problem you’re making a withdrawal, because that takes a toll on a person. But you’re not allowed to go into debt in the Love Bank. So if you have no balance–if you feel totally negative towards each other, and as if it’s a totally loveless marriage–then you can’t start making withdrawals. There’s nothing there to work with.

So you have to make those deposits first, by spending a few weeks just being kind, and now by trying to work on your friendship.

I’ve got some articles on how to do that, but let me say that I’m not talking about doing everything together. I just mean finding some things, even if they’re quick things, that you can do without animosity. Maybe it’s taking a walk with him after dinner, or joining him in jogging, or helping him figure out the bills, or watching his favourite TV show with him and getting him a cup of coffee when you do. It doesn’t matter what it is; just spend some time doing something together.

Here are some articles that can help with that:

Revive Your Friendship

Benefits of Walking Together

My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me

5. Then Tackle the Big Things

Once you’re showing kindness and laughing more, you can start tackling the big things. That likely will mean taking some responsibility for your sex life, and trying to throw yourself into it, if you’ve been neglecting it. Often when we women start to feel as if our husbands don’t love us, we withdraw sexually, which makes everything worse, and which is also wrong, in and of itself. If you have no idea where to start, suggest to him that you try 31 Days to Great Sex. It will get you talking and laughing again, and that’s probably most of your problem!

And you may have to tackle some other hard issues, too. I’ve got lots of articles on this blog for specific issues; you can check out a partial list of the most common marriage problems here. But let me leave you with some big picture articles:

Invest In Your Marriage (it’s worth it!)

Changing the Dynamic in Your Marriage

I Messed Up. Those are Freeing Words!

The Vow Matters

Final Thoughts To Fix a Loveless Marriage

If you’re in that negative cycle right now, feeling as if he doesn’t appreciate you, doesn’t care about you, and doesn’t love you, can you take a step back for a moment and realize that your husband probably feels the same way? And instead of giving up on the relationship, can you realize that your best chance for lifelong happiness is to invest now in your marriage. It’s to get over these feelings of helplessness, and start to DO love until you FEEL love. Do the right thing. Change that dynamic. Start learning to have fun with him again instead of always feeling hurt and like you’re going to cry.

I know it’s hard. I know you feel paralyzed. But you simply must make a decision to DO something about it. There is nothing magical I can tell you that can make him change; but I do know that he is likely hurting, too. So if you can change the way you think about your marriage, you’ll likely be able to break that negative cycle.

UPDATE: If you’re dealing with a marriage in which he is doing something that jeopardizes everything–using porn, not supporting the family, being abusive–then I’d suggest this post for a fuller perspective: Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?

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Related posts:
Wifey Wednesday: The Root of Marriage Problems–Selfishness
How a Marriage Changes

Things That Stood Out to Me This Week

Hi everybody! On Saturdays I like to just share some links that I think make good weekend reads, and some other neat stuff I’ve seen on the web this week. So here goes!

Can You Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin?

On Tuesday I published a guest post that really resonated with so many of you–Why I Couldn’t Get Undressed on My Wedding Night. In it, Emily Wierenga challenged us women to name one body part that we actually LIKED.

One woman left this comment:

After wrestling with this all morning, I can not seem to come with an answer with regard to anything about my physical appearance.

However I know that no matter what or where I am whether it’s at home or out in public, I try to make conversation, make everyone feel welcome, and some how let them know that they matter. I try to pull people in when I see them being left out.

I just feel like I need to say something. First, this woman sounds absolutely lovely–the kind of friend that everybody would want to have, and that radiates the kindness and compassion that Jesus shows. That’s wonderful!

But I just get sad when people say that there’s nothing nice about their physical appearance, because as wonderful as it is to have a great spirit, the fact is that we are physical beings. And if we really dislike our bodies, it’s very hard to feel confident and have fun with them! And a large part of enjoying great intimacy in marriage is being able to let go and be confident!

So if you’re like her, and you’re thinking, “there really is nothing”, I’d encourage you to read this post on Loving the Skin You’re In. And my book 31 Days to Great Sex talks about this in a bit more detail, and encourages husbands to help their wives find something that they can appreciate about their bodies!

Your body is an amazing thing. It may not look like a supermodel’s, but we can appreciate it for what it can do, and for what it is, and for who made it. I think if we start to say more positive messages to ourselves about our bodies, we’ll be able to approach them with more gratitude and pleasure rather than shame–regardless of how we look.

Four Best Marriage Resources

A Tale of Two Kiddos listed their four favourite marriage blogs–and mine was there! Thank you. Head on over to see the other three.

I Love this Dairy Queen Manager! Feel Good Story of the Week

I saw this on Dr. Laura a week ago, but it’s gone viral since. Here’s the story in a nutshell:

19-year-old manager at DQ serving blind man. Gives blind man change. Blind man walks to table but a $20 bill falls off his tray and he doesn’t notice. Woman behind him picks up bill and pockets it. Manager challenges her; she refuses to give it back. He refuses to serve her. She leaves.

He serves the rest of the customers, then goes up to the blind man and gives him a $20 out of his own pocket. He doesn’t tell anyone else.

Customer, though, sees the whole thing. Emails it to manager. Manager prints out email and puts it on wall of restaurant. Other employee instagrams photo–and now it’s viral.

Now that 19-year-old who was working to pay for business college has job offers and scholarship offers. Makes me smile. He didn’t know anyone was watching. He just did the right thing. But God saw, and He arranged for that customer to see.

You can’t teach honesty; it has to be inside you to begin with. It’s something God puts there. And I’m glad people are recognizing it in him.

Neat Things To Read

Here’s a great explanation for what the generation born in the late 70s to 90s is like. NOTE: this is a big generality! Not everybody is like this! But as a CULTURE we are heading in this direction. It makes me wonder about the next generation: those born say in 1993 and since. They grew up primarily after 9/11, and their whole lives, that they can remember, have had threats looming. Terrorism, bad economy, hard to find jobs. It sounds more like the generation that grew up in the 1930s. So perhaps things will change?

And on a totally different note, J from Hot, Holy and Humorous tackles the BDSM subject: Is it okay for Christians in the bedroom? I thought she did a great job!

And on another totally different note, here’s a beautiful post: I didn’t love my wife before we got married. All about how love is an ACTION. It’s great. And that ties us into this book:

Love to Stay: Sex, Grace and Commitment

I was sent a book to review by Adam Hamilton called Love to Stay: Sex, Grace and Commitment. It’s a short read (so men will like it!), and it’s a great one to read through together. But one thing that struck me as I read it was this dichotomy that kept coming up, again and again: both parties would say that what they want most in marriage is to feel like the other person is sharing his or her heart, and yet both parties both felt like that wasn’t being done BY THE OTHER, even though they felt it was being done by THEMSELVES.

No wonder a negative cycle starts!

Let me pull just a few tidbits from the book that can help us through some of these negative cycles.

Negative Cycle of Communication

Hamilton reported on a survey that was given to men and women of various ages of the top 5 things they’re looking for in marriage. (Interestingly, sexual intimacy wasn’t on the women’s lists, but it was high on the men’s!). But what was on both was this: Sharing feelings with me.

If they both wanted that, then why were they so often upset? Hamilton writes,

It struck me that the same words must mean something different to women and men. When I followed up on Facebook, asking mena nd women what the meant, the women said, “Sharing your feelings with me is not grunting. I need you to tell me more. I want details. I want informaiton. I want you to tell me what you were thinking and what you were feeling.” For the guys, it was much simpler. “Tell me exactly what happened, and give it to me in sixty seconds or less.”

So how do you break this negative cycle? Learn more what your spouse honestly values. And then give it to them–whether or not you feel like you are getting it in return. As I’ve written about before, you have the ability to change the dynamic in your relationship. So, as Hamilton says, start investing in your marriage. It’s the most important thing you have. Why would you not work hard at it?

Feeling Like Affection Has Strings Attached

Many of you can relate to this: you want him to be affectionate towards you, but everytime he touches you you’re wondering, “does he think this is going somewhere? Is he trying to make a move on me? Does he want something from me?” So the affection seems to come with strings attached, and that makes it not real. And so every time he touches you it starts this cycle of resentment. Instead of making you feel warmly towards you, it makes you withdraw, because he doesn’t just love you.

I’ve been on this boat lots of times. I wonder if Keith is really being honest with me. Does he really WANT to give me that back rub? Does he WANT to talk to me, or is he just trying to get something? And it’s hard, because you feel like there’s this invisible wall, and you both have your own agendas, and you can’t be honest.

We’ve gotten a lot better at this, but it is a challenge, because to women and men, affection often means something very different.

Hamilton offers a solution I don’t usually suggest: scheduling sex. If you know you’re going to make love Mondays and Thursdays, for instance, then if he touches your knee on Wednesday it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just affection.

That sounds great–if you can stick to Monday and Thursday! The few times Keith and I tried that in our marriage it never worked because we both like spontanaeity, and I’d inevitably start something on a Tuesday, and that would throw everything off. If you know she MAY make love at other times, then all of a sudden touching her knee takes on those same old connontations again….

But if this has been a struggle in your marriage, perhaps his idea isn’t a bad one to try!

After spending his short and practical book (seriously, it’s short enough and easy enough to read that men will read a chapter with you at night!) talking about how to make deposits in each other’s love banks, and how to build up the marriage, he says this:

You do love until you feel love.

That’s so true.

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