Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 223

What Did You Assume About Sex in Marriage?

Today, please welcome guest poster, Julie Sibert from Intimacy in Marriage, who is sharing about the dangers of making assumptions.

It’s easy to do.  Make assumptions, that is.

Marriage is a beacon for that sort of thing, drawing in all the wayward assumptions that are looking for a home.

Of course, we like to think that other marriages are plagued by all the naive assumptions (“certainly he won’t mind spending every Christmas with my family”), while our marriage will be home to all the mature assumptions (“we may encounter a few disagreements, but nothing that our love can’t handle”).

Truth be told, there aren’t too many assumptions that don’t eventually become pesky thorns in our relationship. Before long, if left unaddressed, the assumptions land you right in the middle of a bunch of resentment, disappointment and confusion.

What about assumptions and sex?  What did you assume about sex when you got married?

Some people assume the passion and desire they felt when dating or first married will sustain (or even increase) as their marriage progresses.  Sex in marriage will always be deliciously wild and uninhibited.  And easy.

Other people who are anxious or indifferent about sex often assume that simply saying “I do” will miraculously awaken their desire and set them on a course for profound sexual connection.  The angels will sing.  The pleasure will be tender.  The sex will look like it does in all the romantic movies.

And still others assume that sex is nothing more than one tiny compartmentalized aspect of marriage.  Kind of like that zippered pocket in your purse that you rarely get into and only if it’s absolutely necessary.  The rest of the time, you pretty much ignore it.

Under this assumption, if sex is not creating a child, then it is annoying fine print in the marriage contract – something you tolerate rather than pursue.  Sex feels more like a mundane transaction than an encounter drenched in fervent love.

You may see yourself in one or more of those assumptions (or a whole host of other ones about sex that I haven’t explored).

You’re not alone.  If most married people are honest, they will admit they have been in bed – literally and figuratively – with all of those assumptions at one time or another.

Could these assumptions be sabotaging the potential for better intimacy in your marriage?  I’m not just talking about sex (although that’s a big part of it). I’m talking about authentic intimacy all the way around.

Physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy are meant to mingle so closely in marriage that we can’t see where one begins and one ends.  There are to be no hard lines.  Our hearts long for transparent intersections that remind us that marriage is unlike any other relationship. In a good way.

It took me awhile to realize that a passing glance at marital intimacy wouldn’t get me there.  (If I’m being brutally honest – which, of course, I am – it also took a failed first marriage and the gift of a second marriage to get me there).

I started writing and speaking about sexual intimacy in marriage, not because I thought sex was more important than any other form of intimacy.  Nope.  I speak so openly about sex because I know it impacts the marriage far beyond what’s happening beneath the sheets.

It takes intentional effort to push assumptions aside and actually seek intimacy.

If you want to better understand the rich significance of sex and the positive impact it can have on your marriage, visit my blog or take a look at the eBook I recently co-authored.   Through December 2, you can get the eBook on Amazon for Kindle, for a reduced price.

Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage (Amazon Canada)

Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage (Amazon US)

What did you assume about sex in marriage?  Are those assumptions helping or hurting your marriage?  Please share in the comment section so we can encourage one another toward more authentic marital intimacy.

I long to be teachable where it matters most. Second only to my relationship with God, nothing matters more than my relationship with my husband. It’s not just about the great sex… It’s really about so much more.

 

Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage and is the co-author of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage .  You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com . She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog.

// ]]>

The post What Did You Assume About Sex in Marriage? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Marriage Really Does Matter
Why God Wants us to Wait Until Marriage for Sex
Wifey Wednesday: What Comes First? Sex or Friendship?

Wifey Wednesday: Spice Up Your Marriage!

For many of us sex has become kind of boring. We always do the same thing. He may enjoy it, but quite often we don’t. And so we wonder: is this all there is? Can we find passion again? So today on Wifey Wednesday let’s talk about how to reignite the fire and spice up your marriage!

Spicing Up Your Marriage Usually Means Better Foreplay

Recently I was talking about foreplay–how important it is for a woman to get warmed up! Unless we’re aroused before we start intercourse, intercourse usually isn’t that great. Sure, quickies can be fun, but on the whole, we need some time and some attention.

But that time and attention can be, well, boring. Foreplay can sometimes feel too routine. He’s supposed to kiss us and touch us so that we’re turned on. But that doesn’t always do it for us. If we’ve got shopping lists running through our heads, or we’re finding it hard to relax, and then he starts touching us, it’s hard to get aroused.

So we need something to get us out of our heads so that we’re willing and able to concentrate on what’s going on! And that’s often where spicing things up, and doing things a little differently, can help. When we’re spicing things up,

Spicing Things Up Means Learning More About Your Body

Sometimes we get in a rut–we always make love the same way, in the same position, and it doesn’t necessarily feel that great. Spicing things up gives us a plan to help us try more things, and perhaps discover new things that feel good. And it gives us something new to look forward to!

Spicing Up Your Marriage Isn’t A Mandatory Thing

If you’re happy the way things are, that’s great! If things are always working well, and you’re both always having fun, then you don’t need to mess with a good thing. But sometimes it’s great to add a little different kind of fun to help you learn more about yourself. One of the things that makes sex really stupendous is when we truly open ourselves up to our spouse. When we become vulnerable, and we let him in (in all kinds of ways!), we feel even more intimate, and that makes the physical side better.

If we’re always doing the same thing, though, then some of that vulnerability may be lost, simply because you get comfortable. You can wall off part of yourself sexually. Now, like I said, if you are having fun, and he is having fun, then please, don’t feel like you need to do anything else! But often I do think couples can benefit from changing things up a little bit every now and then because you do learn more about yourself, and that does make you more intimate.

Spicing Things Up Can Be Scary

The problem is, though, that spicing things up in the bedroom can be scary because how exactly do you do it? Let’s face it–most of the stuff that’s out there to help you “spice things up” doesn’t really help at all. Sex toys have major down sides. They can make us reliant on the toy to feel good, can create parallel sexual experiences rather than enhance intimacy, and can focus too much on the body and not enough on intimacy.

And if you look online for ways to spice things up, you may find ideas which are totally a turn-off–and which can be dangerous for your relationship. Our culture is going crazy with things that warp sex rather than making it a beautiful thing. I’ve known of couples, for instance, who have decided to try reading erotica together, because at least that’s not looking at porn. But erotica almost always involves couples who aren’t married–or even sexual scenarios that are forced or in other ways wrong. Searching for that online can definitely take you down a bad path.

Many couples, then, would like to try different things, but they really don’t know where to start. You’re scared to look online (as you should be!), and yet coming up with new ideas seems overwhelming. So you’re it seems like you’re in this rut forever.

Clean and Fun Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage

So today, then, I’d like to give you some great resources for spicing things up–resources that you can even use for Christmas!

Deck of Dares–I Dare You!

Here it is–40 amazing ideas that will make your marriage soar to new heights of excitement! And they’re all clean. Nothing that will gross you out, involve a third party, or suggest porn. They’re written by Jennifer Degler, a Christian psychologist who specializes in sexuality–and who wants to help couples have a thriving and fun marriage.

You’ll get a .pdf version of her cards (I’m going to start selling the physical version, pictured here, when I speak!) so that you can download them right away, and start using them tonight.

Each card has a scenario that you’re going to act out–or complete–tonight. Maybe you’ll kidnap his iPhone and hold it for ransom–and you set the terms of what he has to do to get it back. Maybe you’ll play Beat the Timer. Maybe you’ll slip something into his briefcase (or lunchbox) that morning to tell him what he’ll be doing tonight.

They’re easy, they don’t cost very much (most don’t cost anything), and they’re fun! They’ll encourage you to be more active, to spend more time on foreplay, and to discover new things about yourself. And some of the dares even have to do with working on your spiritual intimacy and truly feeling like one, too.

The Deck of Dares is $6.99, and you can download them immediately. You can pull them up on your computer, read one on your iPhone or tablet, or print them all out, put them in a hat, and choose one every week!

Buy The Deck of Dares here.

How to Use this as a Christmas Present:

Print out a dare you know he’ll like, and put it in an envelope. Write on the bottom of the dare (or on the other side), in red pen, “there are 39 other ones just like this! Merry Christmas (and Happy New Year!) On the outside of the envelope, write “I Dare You”, and cover it with lipstick kisses.

5 Ways to Spice Things Up

Want some ideas for spicing things up to get you started? I’ve got a post on “5 Ways to Spice Things Up” with ideas for games you can play, and some suggestions for how to share some of the things you’d like to try or do more of, even if you’re embarrassed to talk about it.

31 Days to Great Sex

If you liked my suggestions, I’ve got more in 31 Days to Great Sex! And there are also several days which encourage you to talk about what your boundaries are during sex, and work out what to do if one spouse is more adventurous than the other (and where you should draw the line).

So there are lots of ideas to make things fun and spicy, and also conversation prompts and a chance to talk about why you may be uncomfortable with certain things, and rather that they not be part of your marriage. So it helps you expand your boundaries where you should, but also talk about what to do when you feel like perhaps you’re doing things you’d rather not. Let’s keep things fun, but also intimate!

It’s available as an ebook for $4.99, or as a paperback (on sale now for $12!). See all of the places you can purchase it here.

How to Use This as a Christmas Present:

I’ve got coupons you can print out and put in his stocking, telling him what you have planned! Find them here.

Marriage is supposed to be fun, and if it isn’t that way for you, don’t just give up. Let’s throw ourselves into making marriage exciting again, because there’s little else that can give us so much energy, so much satisfaction, and so much love!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of a marriage post you’ve written in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so that other people can read these great marriage posts!

The post Wifey Wednesday: Spice Up Your Marriage! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
29 Days to Great Sex Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Wifey Wednesday: Why Kindles Can Wreck Your Marriage
Wifey Wednesday: Real Wisdom from Our Marriage Weekend

Could Your Husband Have Written This?

When I was writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex I conducted longer interviews with some men, asking them some open-ended questions about marriage (the men were all together; it wasn’t a one-on-one situation). And what absolutely floored me was how much pain they expressed because their wives rejected them sexually. It really convicted me of doing similar things with my husband, especially early in our marriage, but also when I got stressed or tired. To most men, sex is a measure of love. It really hurts when we say no.

Now, if your husband is usually the one who says no, I have a series of posts on men’s lower libido here that will likely apply to you more today. But for those of us who are the lower-libido spouse in marriage, I’d like you to read this email from a man that I recently received with an open mind. Ask yourself: Could my husband have written this?

It has been a while since I wrote. It has been a while since I have even been on your site. Not for lack of interest in what you have to say, in fact, I am on board with nearly everything you have to say. It has been so long simply because I just kind of gave up hope that my marriage would turn into what it once was and what I believe it should be. Reading stuff about it only made me more depressed.

It was maybe a year ago or so that I just kind of stopped trying to make it better with my actions. I stopped reading blogs, books, etc on building a better marriage/sex life because my wife wasn’t putting in the same effort, or any effort for that matter. She feels that everything is fine and I just expect too much. Regardless of her thought on that, fact of the matter is, I feel rejected, alone and depressed at the state of our marriage. Even knowing that, she feels I am wrong.

Well since then, we decided to have another child. I love her to the ends of the earth, just as I do our first child. Silly me though, I thought that having another baby would help bring us back together (not why we had the baby), but that was just a false hope. Now my wife is becoming depressed, not post postpartum, but depressed because she feels that she cant give enough to both children, she feels she is neglecting our oldest. So now, not only did I feel completely left out before, but my wife is being pulled in more directions than ever before and has zero time for me. I don’t know if that is selfish or not. I really am just trying to let her be, help out with the kids as much as possible, etc, but it just feels hopeless. She has been mad at me for doing things on the weekends, hobbies and what not, and not spending the entire weekend helping her. She is a stay at home mom and is able to see her other stay at home mom friends on a daily basis, family on a daily basis, etc. But the moment I want to do something of my own with my friends, I am the bad guy.

I understand that taking care of 2 children is more than a full time job, way more work. But just the same, I have an almost 2 hour commute each way, 9 hours at the office (1 hour lunch in which I go to the gym every day to try to stay in shape for my wife), so it’s not like my alone time each day is spent on me…Anyways…I hope I am not coming across as a selfish jerk of a husband. I love my wife…and all I want to do is for her to love me as she used to. If I am not mistaken, the marriage relationship is supposed to come before the parent/child relationship. Not in a neglecting manner, but one in which the kids notice the love mommy and daddy have for each other and see that is their priority in life, giving the kids a sense of security and protection in the home. Oh well…it is what it is.

Do you feel his pain?

Of course if we were to ask his wife for her side of the story, we’d likely hear her pain, too. But I’m not sure that’s helpful. She tells her husband he’s wrong to feel that there’s something missing in their marriage. But his feelings do count, even if her feelings are different. Please, ladies, don’t dismiss your husband’s feelings.

And she’s pouring herself into her kids, which is natural, but often counter-productive. Once you’re parents, your marriage matters more, not less, because other people are counting on you. You can’t be a good mom if you’re not also a good wife.

If you think your husband could have written that, take a moment and feel his pain. Absorb it. And then, please, talk to him about it and make some decisions to change and put your husband’s needs first. This man loves his wife, and wants his marriage to thrive. Shouldn’t we want the same thing? If your husband is feeling distant, your marriage will never thrive. It’s not about who is right and who is wrong; it’s about how to connect again. He matters. Don’t leave him out there hanging. Talk to him, consider him, and tangibly care about him. You’ll end up far happier in the long run–and so will he.

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more

Reader Question: How Do I Tackle Huge Marriage Problems?

Every Monday I like to take a stab at a Reader Question. Today’s is about solving marriage problems–problems that are quite complex. I think we can learn a lot of basic principles from this one on how to tackle the big issues in marriage. So here goes:

I have been following your blog and FB posts for a long time now. I’d be interested to know what advice you could give to a couple with a toddler, who have a “normal” sex routine of once a month sometimes longer in between? He works 6-4 and I’m a full time student & stay home mom. Even before our child, we were in this sexual funk. He always wants to go to bed early to get rested up for work, but stays up late watching movies or goes to bed even before I put our child to bed. Then I stay up to do homework for school or go to bed and he is “already sleeping” or says it is too late. He spent a lot of time early in our marriage accusing me of wrong doing, which drove a wedge between us intimately. During pregnancy and after birth I dealt with a lot of hormonal rage and and the idea of intimacy made me physically sick to my stomach, even kissing was gross. So he felt rejected and not good enough although I told him over and over it was not him, just the pregnancy. Now I feel more like I did prior to pregnancy, and would like to attempt a more intimate marriage and a real sex life rather than once every month or two. I’ve bought books, devotionals, toys, sexy clothes, etc Nearly failed my last course because I started going to bed when he did, but he would always say it was too late and he had to get some sleep for work. Where do I even start?

Do you feel exhausted yet? I feel exhausted reading all of that, and I think most of us, if we were going to describe our frustrations in marriage, would do something like this. Solving marriage problems is hard because most problems are so multifaceted, and the idea of having to unpack all of it seems overwhelming.

So what do you tackle first?

Let’s look at all of the issues we have here:

Their schedules are out of whack
They each have busy lives
They have a history of mistrust
They have a history of her turning down sex
Now he’s turning down sex

So where do you start?

Solving marriage problems involves identifying the issues in each of these categories: 

1. Lifestyle Issues

2. Communication Issues

3. Sexual Issues

And I firmly believe that solving most marriage problems should be done in that order: deal with the lifestyle issues first, and then the communication issues, before you really tackle the sexual issues.

Now, this doesn’t really apply if the sexual issue is one of “he wants it but I’ve always said no”, when the ball is in your court. If you can simply start saying yes, then the problem may be solved easily! But lots of times sexual issues look like what this couple looks like: sex is almost non-existent. Or perhaps the problem has gone in another direction, and sex has become somehow dirty or pornographic or something. In that case, it’s a really entrenched problem, and tackling it alone likely won’t do much.

Let’s look, then, at how to start tackling this big of a problem in marriage.

1. Get Your Schedules to Match

As much as possible, make your schedules match. Here’s the issue: he has to be at work at 6, which I assume means that he gets up around 5. If he needs at least 7 hours of sleep, that means getting to sleep at 10. If you want more than just sleep to happen, that means hitting the pillow at 9:30. She says that she’s tried to go to bed when he does, but her husband is still tired. That likely means he’s chronically tired and not getting enough sleep. So make it 9:00 if you have to. No matter what people say, pretty much everybody needs at least 7 hours to function well. If you’re turning in “early” with him, and “early” means 10:30, he’s not getting enough sleep. No wonder he’s tired!

Now, she also has school, and she needs to get work done. I don’t know what her schedule is like in this case (maybe she’s in school until 5, or maybe she’s home by 2, I don’t know). But here’s the way I’d look at it: You’re going to sleep from 9:30-5:00 with your husband. When is the best time to get your schoolwork done? Is it in the morning, or at night? If you don’t get home until 5 pm, it’s likely better in the morning. If you’re home when your hubby is, you could likely do some at night.

So if you want to do schoolwork in the morning, keep your 2 year old up until 9:00 so that the toddler will sleep until around 7. That gives you two hours to work in the morning. If you want to do it night, start waking your toddler up at 5 and put that child to bed at 6:30 or 7. That gives you some time at night.

Do what you have to do to get on the same schedule, and talk to your husband about this so that he sees the importance of it.

I know 5:00 is awfully early, but if you start doing this, your body will adjust. The key is to keep the same schedule even on the weekends so that you can actually feel awake at 5!

I have seen marriage problems sort themselves out with this one simple change. So as much as possible, get on the same schedule!

2. Talk and Work on your Friendship

Now it’s time to talk. From her letter, it seems like what this woman has done is to try to go to bed with him, and to try to be sexier. But neither is working. Maybe it’s time to try something else: just talk. Often the thing missing from marriage is friendship. Try taking at least 15 minutes a day and talking together, maybe by taking a walk after dinner together. Develop a hobby together. Play one round of a card game every night together. Do something–anything!–that will let you talk and laugh everyday, and remind yourselves that you are a unit. I can’t stress enough how important this is.

And as you talk, then those walls of distrust and miscommunication will start to come down.

I’d seriously recommend trying to pray together as a couple, too. I know some of us aren’t comfortable praying out loud, but here’s a post on how to make prayer easier. And as you pray together, even if it’s not about your problems, but just about your day and your child, you will start feeling closer. When this happens, often some of that mistrust evaporates.

3. Tackle Sex

Once you’re going to bed together and you have a schedule that’s in sync, and you’ve developed some habits of spending time together, it’s time to tackle sex! Talk to him about how you want things to be more intimate and fun in your marriage. Try to initiate more. Schedule sex if you have to! Suggest working on the 31 Days to Great Sex together (it makes a great stocking stuffer!).

Sex encompasses everything that we are, and starting with sex when you have multiple problems often doesn’t work. Sex is the outward expression of how we feel about ourselves and our relationship, and sometimes we need to start there. Like I said, I still firmly believe that if the main problem is that you’ve said no when he wants it, you can solve that one by jumping in more! Often, though, the problems are more complex. So work on those other things first, and then develop a game plan together of how you can move forward to make sex super fun.

When I’m presented with complex problems, then, that’s the order I usually tackle them. Lifestyle first, then friendship, then sex. I find that works better.

But now tell me: what would you tackle first? Have your schedules ever been out of whack, so that it’s hard to connect? How did you fix that? Let me know in the comments!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more

Weekend Links, Winners, and Other Cool Stuff!

Hope your weekend is starting well! I’m still lying in bed enjoying the quiet, and I thought I’d post some links to some really interesting articles I’ve found this week. Many times I “find” them because someone posts on my Facebook Page, saying, “have you read this?” I have the best readers!

Weekend Links

Today I’m going to give you three articles by some guy bloggers that I found really excellent this week:

“Abstinence is Unrealistic and Old-Fashioned. Really?” Matt Walsh is a twenty-something radio personality and blogger who likes to just tell it like it is. And in this article he rips to pieces a “health” teacher who told her class that it’s unrealistic to expect teenagers not to have sex, and ridiculed those who didn’t. Walsh is a Christian, but his approach to issues is more “common sense”, and I think it works.

Marriage Isn’t For You. Awesome article (by a guy again!) about the purpose of marriage. It’s not about making you happy; you marry so you can concentrate on someone else’s needs. Great take.

Four Things I Don’t Want to Hear About Your Wife. Here’s another male blogger ripping his guy friends, saying, “don’t say these things about your wife.” Warning: a bit of bad language, but the guy is a Christian, and I think he’s spot on. Come to think of it, I don’t want to hear these things about your husband, either.

Now a news story that I want to highlight. I know many of you appreciate Debi and Michael Pearl’s ministry (they wrote To Train Up a Child about how to use corporal punishment right and she wrote Created to Be His Help Meet), but I truly believe that these books are dangerous and are not proper doctrinally. A Washington couple was recently sentenced to very long prison terms for murdering their adopted daughter. They were trying to follow To Train Up a Child. (Here’s a blog post by a former Pearl follower about how dangerous this book is, commenting on this case). I know that the Pearls never recommend murdering your child, but they do say that you have to break his or her spirit, and when a child rebels, and refuses to be broken, many parents just keep going, thinking that to do otherwise is sin. In this case, when the mother found her daughter dead, the first thing she said to the 911 operator was “my daughter was being rebellious). It’s just scary. We need to open our eyes to the fact that these books can be very dangerous. They don’t give you a proper idea of when to stop–they say that if a child is rebellious, you need to step up the spanking. Anyway, I know I’m opening a can of worms, but please, think twice before recommending these books or following these books. There are so many other much better books out there about raising Christian kids, and given how many “To Train Up a Child” parents have ended up killing their kids, maybe it’s really time to re-evaluate that book and just say no.

A Winner for the Evgie Wall Decal Giveaway!

A few weeks ago I ran a giveaway for a gift certificate towards Evgie wall decals. So many of you entered–seriously, these are so cute!

$80 from Evgie.com

The winner was Lucas J., and he’s been contacted. Thanks for entering! I hope to offer these again. But in the meantime, check out these children’s wall decals. They’d be great for Christmas!

What’s Going Crazy on Pinterest

I have a feature every morning on my Facebook page–From-The-Older-Post-That-Was-Pinned-Last-Night-Files–where I highlight something I wrote a while ago, but is now being pinned again. So I thought I’d link a few posts that are making the rounds on Pinterest.

First, this one has been going crazy for weeks: Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband. Want some good ideas? There are a whole bunch here!

When Your Husband is NOT a Spiritual Leader. A newer post, but it seems like one that many women need to read.

Have We Forgotten How to Be a Mommy? These three things used to be normal for parents to do. Now they’re not. Check out what they are!

Something to Ponder

I was speaking last weekend at a retreat in Michigan, and one of the things I said was that “whatever you focus on expands. So focus on God!” Obviously we have to work through our issues, but sometimes the best way to get through something is to take our eyes off of ourselves and put them onto God. So think about that today!

Have a great weekend! And if you’ve seen any favourite links this week, leave them in the comments.

The post Weekend Links, Winners, and Other Cool Stuff! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Winners, Great Links, and FREE Stuff!
Weekend Links and Inspiration
Don’t Miss the Christian Marriage Bundle–And More Great Weekend Links

Letting Kids Admit You’re Not Perfect

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. I had a week off this week, so I’ve decided to rerun a column from 2010 that I really liked, about the difference between a healthy family and a perfect family.

I have incredible vision. I can see things that nobody else in my family can. If clean, folded laundry is sitting on the stairs, waiting to be transported into the owners’ rooms, I am the only person residing in our home who can detect that laundry. If there are dishes in the upstairs hall, waiting to be transported into the kitchen and then placed into our very convenient dishwasher, I am also the only person whose eyes pick up on the presence of these glasses and plates. My children missed that genetic trait, as my husband apparently also lacks it.

I find it easy to see the things that my kids miss, and if you’re a parent, you probably can name a ton of things your kids do that bug you, too. And because we’re the parents, it’s easy to order our kids around to fix these flaws. We’re louder, we’re bigger, and we control the chocolate. What’s harder is allowing our kids the freedom, with respect, to call us on things that we do wrong.

In our house, everybody knows my biggest fault. When I’m stressed, I believe it’s my God-given right to make sure that everybody is stressed right along with me. I take that “if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” saying to ridiculous extremes, interpreting every smile as an affront to me if my blood pressure happens to be elevated. In my more lucid moments, I allow everyone to laugh with me about this. And that makes my dysfunctional behaviour, when it occurs, a little easier to take.

I don’t think perfect families exist, but I think healthy families do. And that’s one of the key criteria of a healthy family: being able to speak the truth. The real test of a healthy family doesn’t lie in parents’ 20/20 vision, but in whether parents help their children develop good vision, too. Sure we notice the things they do wrong, but do we let them acknowledge that we, their parents, aren’t perfect, either? Unfortunately, many families like to maintain the illusion of perfection, even if that means denying the truth.

In families where children aren’t allowed to notice flaws, it’s not as if the kids suddenly grow blind to them. They’re just not allowed to do anything about it, or parents subject them to the silent treatment, yell at them or belittle them. Most kids, when experiencing this kind of rejection, run in the other direction, deciding to never question their parents again. They want to be loved, and if being loved means not noticing when others are wrong, then that’s what they’ll do.

Children in families like these grow up learning not to trust their own instincts. To make it even worse, they often have very conflicting feelings about their parents which can never really be resolved, because until you can admit that your parents did wrong, you can’t forgive them for that wrong.

That’s why we need to let our kids work on their vision. They need to be allowed not just to see our imperfections, but also to name them. Of course kids still need to respect us and defer to our authority, which is legitimate. You are the parent, not the best friend. But to imagine that kids will idolize us and never notice anything wrong is doing them a grave disservice. It’s asking them to pretend the world is different from the way it actually is. It’s raising our kids to be liars. And as the old saying goes, it is the truth that sets us free. Even if the truth hurts.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

// ]]>

The post Letting Kids Admit You’re Not Perfect appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Do I See What You See?
That One Perfect Person
Practice Makes Perfect

How Miscarriage Affects a Marriage

Today, please welcome guest poster, Lindsey Bell, who shares her heart-wrenching story and wise advice from experience.

Having a baby is supposed to be one of the most exciting events in the life of a couple.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen that way. Far too often (approximately one in three to four pregnancies) what began as an exciting new phase of life ends as a nightmare.

Here’s a little bit of my story.

My husband and I waited as our doctor began the ultrasound, anxious to see our little one’s heartbeat again. We were twelve weeks along and had already begun planning our baby’s nursery and thinking of names. Our oldest child was at home with Grandma, but he too was excited about having a new baby brother or sister.

Because we saw the heartbeat three weeks prior to this appointment, we thought we were in the clear. That the risk of miscarriage was gone.

But we were wrong.

As the smile faded from my doctor’s face, the silence was deafening. Then came the words no parents ever want to hear: “I’m sorry, but your baby’s heart is no longer beating.”

That was miscarriage #1.

In the next two years, we lost three more babies to miscarriage.

Four miscarriages in two years wreaked havoc on nearly every aspect of my life.

Before our first miscarriage, I assumed going through something like that would be painful, but I had no idea how much it would affect my marriage.

Baby loss can either bind you to your spouse or tear you away from him.

Here are a few things I learned through my miscarriages that helped our marriage remain intact:

1. It’s okay if his grief looks different than yours.

After our first loss, I expected my husband to cry. I was in tears all the time, after all, and it was his child too. When he didn’t cry (or didn’t cry enough), I was hurt. Scratch that. I was angry.

How could he not cry about the baby we just lost?

Didn’t he love our baby as much as I did?

Didn’t he care that we weren’t ever going to get to hold him or kiss him or hug him goodnight?

What I failed to realize at the time was that everyone grieves differently. Just because he didn’t cry as much didn’t mean he didn’t love the baby.

I also failed to realize my husband might not have been as attached to the child as I was. This child was growing inside of me. It was a part of me from the beginning. I loved it from Day 1.

Some men might feel this strong of an attachment from conception, but others won’t. For some, the attachment grows with the relationship. At birth, when he holds the baby, it grows a little bit more. And then again as he feeds him in those early months of life.

This doesn’t make him a bad father, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the child. It simply makes him a man.

2. Let him help you.

One of the hardest parts of our miscarriages was that my husband couldn’t fix it. He wanted to make it better for me with all of his being, but he couldn’t.

Plain and simple, it was out of his hands.

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t do anything to help.

One of the best things I did after our miscarriages was tell him exactly how he could help me. This made him feel like he was doing something at a time when we both felt helpless.

3. Give each other some grace.

Grief can make you angry. It can make you irritable. It can make you weepy. When two people are both in different parts of the grief cycle, it’s easy to understand why conflicts arise.

For the months (and possibly years) following a miscarriage, try your best to extend grace to your partner. You are both hurting, and fighting with one another will only make the pain greater.

4. Don’t give up on intimacy.

Miscarriages affect intimacy. For a woman, she might fear another miscarriage and therefore avoid sex altogether. Or she might want to get pregnant so badly that she urges her partner to have sex so much that it becomes a chore.

What used to be something that was fun and fulfilling can easily become scary and upsetting.

Give yourself some time, absolutely, but don’t give up on intimacy altogether. Allow this loss to bring you and your spouse together-not push you apart.

Let’s talk: What other things help a marriage stay intact after loss?

Lindsey writes often about miscarriage on her blog. You can read her miscarriage posts here: http://www.lindsey-bell.com/search/label/Miscarriage.

Lindsey Bell is the author of Searching for Sanity, a parenting devotional that will be released in January 2014. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, adoption advocate, miscarriage survivor, and chocolate lover. You can find Lindsey online at any of the following locations:

Her blog: www.lindsey-bell.com

Her website: www.lindseymbell.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/LindseyMBell

Facebook: www.facebook.com/AuthorLindseyBell

Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/LindseyMBell01

The post How Miscarriage Affects a Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Surviving a Miscarriage or Baby Loss: Dealing with the Grief
Wifey Wednesday: 5 Ways to Ruin A Marriage
A Prayer Through Tears

Wifey Wednesday: When Too Many Changes Come All at Once

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below! Today I want to talk about stress in marriage.

I’m having one of those months where life just seems overwhelming. I have a lot on my plate, and we’ve had a ton of changes this year. Our oldest daughter went off to university. We’re almost empty nesters. And my speaking and writing is taking up more and more of my time, so we have to figure out new ways of “doing” our family.

When we think of things that cause problems in a marriage we often think of interpersonal things–we don’t communicate well, he doesn’t understand my love language, our libidos don’t match–but often the things that cause the most trouble are external. We just go through a lot of changes in a hurry.

I recently received an email that said:

I grew up in an anti-religious family but have recently found comfort and purpose in starting to read the bible and study Christianity. I am seeking your advice because I am new to this and have found your posts inspirational. My husband and I have been fortunate enough to spend the past 8 years together going out on dates, traveling, and doing a lot of whatever we really wanted to do. We have recently purchased a home (which is double what we were paying in rent) and have now found out we are expecting our first child. Although I know my husband is happy about these life changes, he is feeling overwhelmed that it is all happening and once and that we are having to give up a lot of what we used to be able to do. I have tried to talk to him about this but he just seems sad and withdrawn and it hurts me to see him this way. How can I help him adjust and be able to accept these big changes all at once?

I’m sure many of you can relate. You get a new job, a new baby, a new home, and all of these things are wonderful, but they also bring a lot of stress.

Stress in marriage isn’t always our fault–sometimes we’re just going through changes

The majority of what we do throughout a day is habit–we don’t actually think about it. So it takes very little brain power. You get into your routines, you know what’s expected, and so you go ahead and do it, and it leaves you brain power to think about other things.

But when things hit you all at once that change your habits, all of a sudden you need to develop all new routines. And that requires a lot of brain power, and hence a lot of stress. It almost doesn’t matter whether those changes are bad or good–they still are difficult adjustments.

So how do you deal with stress even during these times?

How to Reduce Stress in Marriage
1. Talk Together for 15 Minutes a Day

A lot of people swear by “date nights”–you have to have one night a week that’s just for you. I’m not as attached to date nights as I am to the talking rule. I think it’s far more important to connect everyday and just talk about what’s on your mind.

Of course, talking over the kitchen table may feel weird to your husband, who likely would rather communicate while DOING something. So go for a walk every night after dinner. Talk on the phone or on Skype if you’re separated by work or school. Do a puzzle together. Snuggle together in bed. Just spend that time talking everyday to connect.

My husband and I did this especially when the kids were small and would often vie for our attention. We’d stick them in strollers and head out. We always found they were less fussy out on a walk, and then we got to talk. So even if your kids are little, make time to talk to each other.

One caveat: she says she’s trying to talk to him, but he’s withdrawing. I don’t think talking about the stress is always the answer. And you don’t need to reassure him that everything’s okay! Just simply talk. Ask him how his day was. Tell him what’s on your mind. Talk about your dreams. It doesn’t have to be super serious even; as long as we’re connecting and sharing what’s on our mind, we’ll feel significantly less stress.

If your spouse is stressed, sometimes trying to get them to open up about it in the thoughts that this will cure it puts a lot of pressure on a spouse, and does cause them to withdraw. Don’t try to take away the stress; just try to share. It’s a different dynamic, and it’s often healthier.

2. Cut Back on Optional Activities

Maybe you love being part of the praise team at church. Maybe you love taking your children to gymnastics lessons every week. Maybe he loves being on a soccer team. These things may be wonderful, and they may even be relaxing–usually. But when we’re going through a stressful time, having one more thing on our plate is often the straw that broke the camel’s back, even if you would normally love that thing.

It’s okay to say, “for the next year we just can’t do that as a family.” We’re going through too much, and we have to pare down.

That’s hard when it’s kid things, because we do want the best for our children. But children will not thrive in a household where mom and dad are stressed out of their gourd. If you’ve just moved, for instance, it’s likely going to take about six months before that house feels natural and everything is unpacked. It’s okay to take that six months and get adjusted. In the long run it’s a relatively short amount of time, and you do not need to do everything all the time.

3. Keep the Routines You Can

If stress is caused when our routines get all disrupted, then try to keep what you can! Go to church together. Get up together. Have that cup of coffee together. If every Friday night used to be movie night, try to keep it as movie night–even if you can’t go out and watch a movie together anymore because you have little ones. Watch one on the computer instead.

4. Laugh

Seriously. If a couple can laugh together, you can get through anything! Need help laughing? I wrote a post on 14 ways to play with your husband. Maybe we all need a reminder sometimes.

5. Give Yourself a Break

I’m in the middle of a rough time in my marriage–through no fault of me or my husband. He took a new job that requires a 45 minute commute, and he’s on call there about 5 times a month, so he has to stay overnight. I also do quite a few speaking engagements. He’s always been on call, but he used to be on call in our hometown, so he’d still sleep at home (unless he was called in). Before we used to be away from each other maybe 10% of the nights in a year. Now it’s closer to 25%. And it gets hard.

It won’t always be this way. When our youngest daughter leaves home, we’ll change some things up and perhaps rent an apartment in the city where he works to stay in during the week or something. We’ll have more options. But for right now we just don’t.

I could get upset about it. I could say, “we’re not together enough!”, and bemoan this. I could worry. But honestly, it’s just for a time. And we’re staying rock solid anyway. It’s not ideal, and I don’t like it, but I’ve got to decide that sometimes there are seasons in a marriage that aren’t ideal, and that’s okay. There’s no point in beating yourself up about it. You just do what you can do.

That applies to so many seasons in marriage. When babies come, your house will no longer be as clean. That’s okay. Give yourself a break. When you’re in school, you won’t have as much time to play with your kids. That’s okay. Give yourself a break. When he’s on shift work, you may not make love as much as you used to. That’s okay. Give yourself a break.

It’s a season, and it’s tough, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Just walk through it, one day at a time, and keep talking and laughing!

6. Have Sex

Seriously. When you make love, you produce the hormone oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone. And it helps you feel close and intimate to your husband. What you likely need right now is a whole lot of oxytocin, so go ahead and make it!

And sex is a great stress reliever. Instead of thinking of it as one more thing on a hectic to-do list, think of sex as something which will help relax and invigorate you so that you can deal with the rest of your to-do list much more easily. It puts you in a better mood, helps you to feel like at least one thing is right with the world, and makes him smile, too.

More Ideas

I asked about this scenario on my Facebook Page, and the answers were just awesome! I’ve listed a few, but there are so many more suggestions. I’d encourage you to read through them. There are some great ones! And add your own, too.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below! And be sure to link back here, too, so other people can read all these great marriage posts!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more

Just do the Next Thing

Are you a control freak?

I sure am. I love plans. I want to know what’s going to happen when. I want to have a 5-year-plan, and a 10-year-plan. It’s really bugging me now that my girls are older that I don’t know who they’re going to marry (or when. I totally believe they will). I feel like I should have more of a say in that.

We like knowing the future.

When I read Becky Avella’s book “And Then You Were Gone” about her miscarriages, she talked about it, too. One of the hardest things is that you think you’ve got your life planned out, and then you’re thrown this horrible curve ball. And we don’t know how to handle it.

My mom’s a career counsellor, and she meets with clients who need a change or who are very unhappy in their jobs. And the problem is that as much as they want to change, they feel like they can’t, because they don’t know what they want to do for the rest of their careers. And Mom always gives them the same answer.

“You don’t need to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. You just have to decide what you want to do next.”

Don’t plan your whole life out; just do the next thing.

I think that’s brilliant (as a lot of what my mother says is brilliant). As much as we may want God to, I’ve rarely found that he reveals His whole purpose for us ahead of time. I’d love to have a road map for my life, but that’s not how God works. And if He doesn’t tell you what your whole life is supposed to look like, then why do we think we have to have it all figured out? I have known people to agonize over this–what do I want to do with my life?–so much that they fail to do anything. They’re waiting for that lightning bolt from heaven and it doesn’t come.

Even the apostle Paul didn’t know what his whole life would be like. He always just decided what he was going to do next, not what he was going to do years and years from now. In Acts 16 we read about how he planned to go to Asia, and all the doors kept closing, so he went to Europe instead (where his first convert was a woman, by the way). And in his letters, he always said, “I am planning on coming to see you,” but he never really knew. Even his future was veiled.

And that’s what life is like. Our future is veiled. So all we can ask is, “what am I supposed to do next?”

I’m in the middle of one of those periods, and I’ve found it very stressful. I have a ton of potential speaking engagements on my plate, and my agent is shopping around two different books for me, both of which have publishers’ interest. And I’ve got another ebook I’m trying to write, and a Second Edition of another book I have to finish. It’s overwhelming. And I’m always trying to map out how I’ll get everything done, which just makes me feel worse.

So I’ve tried doing something totally different. Instead of asking, “when am I going to do each of these things?”, I’ve started asking, “what am I going to do next?” That tends to solidify my priorities. And when you figure out what you’re going to do next, then usually the other things end up lining up in the right order, too.

If your kids are getting older and going to school, and you want to go back to work, but you can’t picture a career you want to do for the next thirty years, why not simply ask, “what do I want to do now?” You can always change later!

If your kids are about to move out, and you’re going to have a ton of time on your hands suddenly, don’t think, “what do I want to do until retirement?” Just think, “what do I want to do next?”

If you’re considering joining a ministry at church, but you don’t know if you can commit long-term, just ask, “what do I want to do now?”

If you have a ton on your to-do list, and you can’t manage it all, don’t try to decide when you’ll get it all done. Just ask, “what one task do I want to do next?” Then do that task.

If you’re in a transition time with a move, or with your kids, or even with your marriage, you don’t need to know how it all turns out. You just need to ask, “what do I want to do next?”

And that’s true with how we handle problems in marriage, too. We don’t have to have it all figured out. We don’t have to ask, “how much will I put up with?”, or “when is enough enough?”, or even “can I ever get through this depression and feeling like I’m not where I belong?” You just need to ask, “for today, God, what will you have me do?” And ask people to pray through that with you. And you’ll find that things start to fall into place.

You do not need to know the future.

God is in the present with you, right now, and wants to help you today. But He doesn’t help by revealing His whole plan, or we wouldn’t need to trust. He nudges us quietly in certain directions, and molds us as we make little decisions: “what do I want to do next?”

The next time you’re trying to figure out your life, stop. Take a deep breath. And reframe the question. What do I want to do next? Then do that next thing, and that will get you on the right path to what God ultimately has planned for you.

The post Just do the Next Thing appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Don’t Let the Perfect Be the Enemy of The Good

Reader Question: Is It Okay to Take Sexy Photos of Myself for My Husband?

On Mondays I like to try to answer a Reader Question, and today’s is one I get asked a lot, even in person, but often in whispers: Is it okay to take sexy pics for my husband?

After all, he’s allowed to see you naked, so there’s nothing actually wrong with it, right? And there are even “classy” places that will do boudoir photo shoots, with you in lingerie. That would be a good gift, wouldn’t it? Especially if he were going away for a time (like a military deployment)?

Well, let’s think this one through, because I don’t think it has a black and white answer. Like many things in marriage, I’m inclined to say, “it depends”. So here are just a few thoughts that I have, and then you can work it through in your own marriage.

The Practical: Private Photos Don’t Tend to Stay Private

We all know this; we see it all the time with celebrities. But it’s true for “real life”, as well. Photos that you intend to stay private often don’t. Kids may come across them (and who wants their kids seeing this?). If they’re on a phone, someone else may see it.

I’m reminded of this old Motorola ad (It showed on TV so it really doesn’t get that racy):

Seriously. You don’t want that happening!

If you’re going to take pictures, personally, I’d make sure they were erased right away. Let them be something to tease him with, not something he keeps with him.

Now, at the same time, I’m not a military person, and so I’ve never had that six month or a year separation. But I’m not sure sexy photos would make that year easier. It would be great if some military wives could chime in on this one, because I really do feel out of my depth on that one, and especially with the date–November 11–I’m reminded again of the gratitude I have for those in the service. So I’ll let someone with more experience in that area make a more definitive statement.

The Worry: Are You Recreating Porn?

Men are visual, and we like to be thought of as “the beauty”, as the Eldredge’s say in their books. I think appreciating a woman’s beauty, and seeing her revealed, is something that is innate in us, and isn’t necessarily bad.

However, we live in an extremely pornographic society, and so many men are really struggling with porn.

I do not think that you defeat porn by becoming porn.

The problem with porn is not ONLY that you’re looking at someone other than your wife; the problem with porn is that it makes sex into something which is entirely about the physical and not about a relationship. It makes sex into “I’m going to lust and get my needs met”, rather than “we’re going to experience this together.” And that is a very, very difficult thing to break. In fact, in many ways that’s harder than the porn. A guy may find that he’s able to give up porn, but he may not find that his sex drive for his wife comes back. It may stay dormant. It doesn’t mean she’s not attractive; it’s just that he’s trained his body to respond to anonymous images, and not to a relationship. And that takes time to deal with (and I talk about how to recover from porn here).

It’s like this: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a glass of wine. But for an alcoholic, that’s a tremendously bad idea. Even just being at a place where people are drinking is hard. Similarly, there’s nothing wrong with an Oreo cookie. But if you’re trying to change your eating habits and get your body to start craving food that’s real, then giving in all the time to that Oreo won’t complete that retraining process, and could disrupt it.

I received an email yesterday by a woman who is sick of having to initiate sex. I couldn’t really figure out what the problem is, but then she made a throw away comment in the middle of the email that sometimes she’s too cold to do a striptease. So I think tomorrow I’ll write about what initiating sex is (and it certainly does NOT have to involve a striptease or be that elaborate! Not that there’s anything wrong with elaborate). But it became that her husband wanted to put her in certain positions and do certain things that he liked watching in porn.

That’s not healthy. There’s nothing wrong with spicing things up in the bedroom and having fun.

But if you’re recreating porn, you end up objectifying yourself and pushing him back into this fantasy mode, not into relationship mode.

You’re not ever making love; you’re just using each other (or he’s using you). That’s not good.

This struggle pops up in a lot of ways and in a lot of questions I get, and not just about taking pictures. If your husband has used porn, recreating it will not ease his addiction to the porn and bring him back to you. Wearing more lingerie and acting sexier will not get rid of the porn; in some ways it just solidifies it. You become just what’s on the screen. Sure, it’s good that it’s you and not her, but the fundamental problem remains: you’ve warped what sex is supposed to be.

If you want to figure out a way to talk this through with your husband, that’s what 31 Days to Great Sex is for. I have a number of days when I talk about the dangers of depersonalizing sex, and how pornography can do this to us. And then we work through how to make sex intimate again. If you’ve tried to have this conversation with your husband, and it isn’t working, the book may really help.

And if you just don’t understand what I’m saying–like why can’t sex just be about being sexy?–then I’d really recommend working through The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which explains how sex was supposed to be intimate and fun physically, of course, but it was also supposed to be a spiritual and emotional experience. If you don’t have those last two components, you’re really missing something! After all, it’s the spiritual, the feeling like one, that makes the physical even more intense.

So those would be my concerns. If you’ve read through those, and you don’t think they apply to you (because your sex life is both intimate and fun, and porn isn’t an issue), and you don’t intend to store the pictures, then I really don’t think there’s anything wrong. But please, heed the red flags, and really think it through first. If you feel like it’s wrong, then it very well may be for you, and that may be God’s way of prompting you to tread carefully!

Now, I’d love to hear what you think. Ever been in an awkward situation where you wish you hadn’t taken some pictures? Or, if you’re a  military spouse, I’d love to hear your unique take on this question!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Reader Question: Is It Okay to Take Sexy Photos of Myself for My Husband? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Wants Something in Bed I Think is Gross
Reader Question: My Husband Doesn’t Understand How Important Foreplay Is
Reader Question: My Husband is Trying to Deal with His Porn Addiction, but He’s Not Getting Better