Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 220

Practice Makes Perfect: Homemakers are Made, not Born

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week I want to talk about  practice, perfection and our tendency to compare with others.

Last night I was cleaning up my kitchen while my 18-year-old practised piano. At one point I paused from my scrubbing, and just listened as her fingers danced across the keyboard playing a deliciously difficult piece.

I love moments like that.

Nine years ago, when she started piano, she did not sound very lovely. She would sit on the bench, her feet dangling over, as she tried to pick out the notes to This Old Man. It was cute, but it wasn’t beautiful.

Over the years she has spent countless hours perfecting her skill. And now she can sit down whenever she wants and play a song she heard on the radio. She’s had experience.

We instinctively understand that when it comes to instruments. We get it when it comes to most hobbies. We know it’s true of driving, too: you get better with time and effort. I don’t think, however, that we give enough credence to the idea that this phenomenon could also apply to other parts of life.

When my children were very small, Keith and I were invited over to dinner to the home of a couple who was then in their late forties. They served a wonderful meal with a beautiful centrepiece and a delicious dessert. Music was drifting in the background. The house was immaculately decorated. Our hostess made the meal look effortless.

The next day, when I looked around my living room to see the mismatched couches, and the toys scattered over the floor, and the distinct lack of dining room table (we ate in the kitchen and had allowed the children to take over the dining room for their craft projects), I felt like a failure. I couldn’t have hosted a dinner party even if I had wanted to. I wouldn’t know what to make. I wouldn’t know where to seat people. And my furniture was terrible.

Fast forward fourteen years, and life is very different. I can host a dinner party now, because I have a dining room table again. My 15-year-old makes great centrepieces. I can cook much better (though last year’s Christmas dinner was a disaster, but that’s another story). My house isn’t a mess.

And the reason is because I’ve had practice.

When I think back to that woman in her late forties who entertained us, I think she, too, had simply learned how to be a good hostess. When she was in her late twenties, she had three boys under four. I’m sure her dining room table wasn’t huge and spotless. I’m sure her furniture didn’t all match, and toys likely littered every surface. But over the years they could slowly afford to buy better furniture. She had practice cooking. The toys were packed away. And life got easier.

We have a tendency to compare our abilities to keep a nice home, cook a good dinner, balance a chequebook, or manage investments to those of other, older people, like our parents. Perhaps it’s time to stop. Your mother’s home may have been quite a mess when her children were the age of your children, even if her home is spotless now. Your boss who is so careful with investments may only have learned to be that way because of mistakes and lost opportunities in his twenties. Your father’s ability to grow grass probably is not instinctual; he learned it over decades.

If you’re not there yet, relax.

Practice makes perfect.

We don’t learn basic life skills overnight. It takes a while to get used to it. So let’s enjoy the journey, rather than always beating ourselves up for not having arrived yet.

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The post Practice Makes Perfect: Homemakers are Made, not Born appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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The Pitfalls of Being an ENTJ Blogger

Before we were married, our pastor gave Keith and me personality inventory tests, called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). I’m a Myers-Briggs ENTJ. Keith’s an ESTJ. I’ll explain what those are in a minute.

In Christian circles, we’re used to personality quizzes, but there are often only 4 types. Or 5. Or 9. Myers-Briggs gives 16. Oh, yeah, baby.

And they’re so much fun! Once you figure them out, you spend your life analyzing everybody else. My daughter’s favourite pastime at university is trying to figure out what all her friends are.

You’ve probably seen some of the graphics of the Myers Briggs types by movie/TV show. I’m Mary on Downton Abbey. I’m Theodin in Lord of the Rings. I’m Princess Leia in Star Wars. Basically, I’m bossy.

Here’s how it breaks down.

Myers Briggs marks everyone on four scales:

Extrovert/Introvert: Do you get your energy from being with people, or from being alone? When you need to think something through, do you call a friend, or go for a walk yourself? Contrary to popular belief, extrovert doesn’t mean “life of the party”. Many introverts are great at parties. But it’s where you get your energy from.

Sensing/Intuiting: Do you like detail, or are you a big picture person? Do you like taking things apart and figuring them out, or dreaming up new ways of doing things? Do you like following a pattern or creating your own?

Thinking/Feeling: Do you make decisions based on logic, or based on emotion? Are you most likely to concentrate on what’s “right”, or to focus on relationships?

Judging/Perceiving: Do you like being organized, with lists and plans, or would you rather be spontaneous and go with the flow?

Now, that’s a HUGE simplification of the MBTI personality system, and to actually figure out your type it’s best to take a long test. Lots of them are available online (just Google it), and my daughter spends her life getting friends to take them, but as my mother, who is actually certified in Myers-Briggs Type says, you really are supposed to take it from someone who knows what they’re talking about. That’s why I can’t actually link to one, or I’d be violating the family code. But seriously, just Google it.

So anyway, I’m an ENTJ, which means I’m an Extrovert-Intuitive-Thinking-Judging type. I’m the executive. I’m the idea person. I’m the CEO. Only 1% of females are ENTJs, but there are three in my immediate family alone: me, my oldest daughter, and my aunt. My uncle is one, too. But he’s not female. (I guess that didn’t need to be said.)

An ENTJ’s biggest pet peeves are inefficiency and stupidity. We thrive on trying to make things better. Our mantra is, “just because it’s always been done this way doesn’t mean it can’t be improved! And I’m just the one to tell you how to do that!” Basically we drive everyone else nuts.

Winston Churchill was an ENTJ. So was Maggie Thatcher. So, unfortunately, was Hitler, which just proves that Myers Briggs says nothing about VALUES and only about PERSONALITY. One type is not inherently better than another.

Here’s our family:

My husband is an ESTJ, which means that he’s far more loyal to established procedure than I am. I’m always trying to shake up things around us, including church, and he reins me in. He’s good for me. But other than that, we’re pretty much the same.

Then there’s my poor youngest daughter, the cuddly, feely one in this family of TJs. Pray for her.

Anyway, I just love this personality stuff, and I know there are some closet MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Inventory) people out there reading this, so leave a comment and tell me what type you are, too! I’d love to know.

But in the meantime, I thought I’d share with you some hard truths about me as a blogger that you may not know. Of course there are wonderful things about being an ENTJ Blogger (and I’ll likely blog about that soon!), but everyone likes hearing about the difficult things more. It somehow seems more fun to hear the bad stuff! So here goes:

1. To an ENTJ Blogger, Nothing is Ever “Done”

The biggest problem with being an ENTJ is that we always need to improve things. And because we have so many ideas in our heads, we can never just rest, thinking, “I’ve finished”. After Christmas, when I should have been writing a book proposal, I decided to redo my sidebar because it was bugging me. That led to me redoing the way I do ads. Which led to me creating a spreadsheet to tell if I was using the right ad companies. And so on, and so on.

Some people love working by lists, but that’s never worked for me, because if I were to list everything that I wanted to do, I’d never finish. I lived like that for two years as a blogger. I could never get away from my computer! There was always one more thing to do.

Now I do work hours. I work from 7-3, everyday. And then I stop. The computer goes off and the knitting comes out (well, after I’ve exercised). (Yeah, right).

It’s exhausting having tons and tons of ideas in your head. I’ve had to tell myself that ideas don’t mean I’ve failed or haven’t worked hard enough. Ideas are just fun things I can entertain later.

2. ENTJs Can Get REALLY Emotional

ENTJs are very logical types. We’re looking to fight inefficiency and stupidity wherever we see it.

But the thing about all personality types is that they have a “shadow” side–the opposite of their personality–which comes out sometimes. And ENTJs, when we do get emotional, get REALLY emotional.

My daughter (The ENTJ one) had a huge problem as a toddler controlling her temper tantrums. It wasn’t that she was naturally angry; it was that when emotions hit they hit so hard that she couldn’t get a handle on them. My ESFP daughter, whom you would expect to be more emotional, actually handles emotions better. She has a good cry and gets it all out.

Rebecca and I, on the other hand, will go through huge mood swings where we hate ourselves and feel completely insecure. To the outside world, though, we don’t always look it. We look like we’re in control of the situation, even when we’re not.

I’ve had to learn not to take comments on the blog too seriously, or let disagreements slide off my back. I do have a tendency to do a downward emotional spiral, and I’ve had to develop strategies for stopping that.

3. ENTJ Bloggers Hit PUBLISH Way Too Fast

It’s that “not being a detail person” thing that does you in. I’ll write a post, hit “Publish”, and then realize that I’ve titled it “8 ways to have great sex for HER this New Year” when I have 9 points. So then I have to change the title. But the RSS Feed still uses the FIRST title.

It’s such a little thing to read over the post first, before you hit publish, but ENTJs don’t like to do that. It means checking detail. It means that we’re spending too long on one thing when we could be moving on to the next idea. And who needs to check things? And after all, we’re ENTJs. So we’re right. Except when we’re not. Sigh.

I really have to learn to read things over before publishing. On most mornings, I publish a post, and in the next 10 minutes I have to revise it at least four times. I’m sure all you ST type bloggers just hit PUBLISH once.

4. ENTJs Have Way Too Many Post Ideas

I have this WordPress plugin called “Editorial Calendar” that I love, because I plan my posts in advance, just putting in a title of a post when I think of it, and going back to write it later.

But the problem is that I have about 60 post ideas right now that I haven’t written yet. I have no shortage of ideas. I just have a shortage of time.

So every now and then I vow that I’ll publish less frequently, because I have other things I need to write, but then I go ahead and publish anyway because I have so much to SAY. And, as an ENTJ, I’m absolutely sure that you all want to hear it (humility isn’t our strong point).

5. ENTJ Bloggers Pay Too Much Attention to Numbers

ENTJs hate inefficiency. We love improving things. And because of that, we’re a little obsessed with measuring things. A while ago, when I went through blogging angst, I confessed that I was way too addicted to checking my stats, and I had to quit cold turkey. And I did! It’s been really liberating.

But it is hard, and I’ve just replaced it with other things–pinning more, tweeting more, checking replies on Facebook, etc. It’s a sickness. The sad part is that in our quest to end inefficiency, we become more inefficient because we spend too much time on numbers.

I really need to remind myself anew that stats don’t tell the main story; only God does. If this blog is making a difference, who cares about the stats? But to an ENTJ, that’s easier said than done.

So there’s a little insight into me, your humble blogger. Except that I’m not humble because I’m an ENTJ. But I strive to be humble. Does that count?

I really do love this personality stuff, and perhaps I should write more about the types in marriage. After all, my mom does this for a living, and my daughter is now pursuing it in university, so it’s all around me. Any interest? Let me know in the comments! And don’t forget to tell me what type you are (if you know!)

The post The Pitfalls of Being an ENTJ Blogger appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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5 Keys to Loving Each Other (When Liking Each Other is Hard)

Today guest poster Stephanie Shott shares with us ingredients to keep your marriage strong and loving.

My husband is my best friend. But it hasn’t always been this way.

Our journey hasn’t always been easy, but somewhere between the good, the bad, and the ugly, we discovered how to love each other through it all…even when liking each other was hard.

Marriages seldom come neatly wrapped in conflict free packages and our marriage is no exception.

Polar opposites with different passions and pursuits, our only real common denominator has been Jesus. And to be honest with you, He’s been the glue that has kept this marriage together when our hearts were weary with each other.

Marriage is like a great pound cake. There are certain ingredients that are absolutely necessary for it to be successful.

Today, I’d like to share five key ingredients I’ve learned over the past 27 years that has helped me love my man even when I was having a hard time liking him.

5 Keys to Loving Each Other (When Liking Each Other is Hard)
1. Laugh Together

Laugh at each other; laugh at yourself; laugh at your circumstances…but whatever you do…laugh together – a lot. There’s a wonderful bonding process that takes place when you laugh together.

I know it’s hard to laugh when you’re marriage is strained, but go out of your way to look for the absurd, crack yourself up, prank each other, watch comedies together…do whatever you have to, but laugh together. Think about it, when is the last time you saw a couple laughing their way to divorce court?

2. Respect One Another

Aretha Franklin is famous for the familiar song, R-E-S-P-E-C-T…All we’re asking…is for a little respect. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. They may be cute lyrics in a song, but respect is a basic human need…especially in marriage…especially for a man. Our husbands not only want our respect, they really need it. I honestly believe the Proverbs 31 woman’s husband found himself sitting at the gate because his wife believed in him. She supported him, she encouraged him, she respected him.

A wife’s respect can bolster a man’s courage and confidence and give him strength to fulfill his potential. A husband’s respect for his wife fosters security and assures her that he values her thoughts, her efforts and her opinions.

But respect doesn’t always come easily ~ especially when your husband doesn’t deserve it. But like love, respect is sometimes a choice you make and not an emotion you feel-it’s an action of your will.

If your husband has deep issues, contrasting values, or poor judgement, respecting him may be the last thing you want to do. But respect is one of those things we sometimes offer because we want to be obedient to God regardless of whether our hubbies deserve it or not.

3. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

In the first ten years of our marriage, we argued about some of the most trivial things. Being polar opposites, our differences often sparked the fire, but our immaturity seemed to keep it ablaze.

I was the queen of making mountains out of mole hills, and he was the king of making matters worse with his words.

Does it really matter if he folded the towels wrong, didn’t take the garbage out the minute I asked, or left the toilet seat up? It’s funny how we find ourselves deep in battle and all of a sudden realize we don’t have a clue what we’re arguing about.

Choose your battles wisely, don’t sweat the small stuff, and you’ll find yourself laughing together and fighting for each other instead of with each other.

4. Manage Your Mind

Choose your thoughts wisely. As a Christian, you have the power to take your thoughts captive. It’s easy to focus on your feelings and your circumstances when you’re going through a rough patch in your marriage. Unfortunately, the more you fix your mind on what you’re going through and how you feel, the more difficult it is to move forward in your marriage.

It’s tough to move forward in your relationship when you’re constantly looking in the rearview mirror of your marriage.

Managing your mind doesn’t mean you gloss over difficult situations or that you don’t deal with conflicts, it just means you choose the way you think about them. It means when you’re angry, you don’t mull that thing over and over again in your mind. It means when you don’t really like your man, you choose to love him anyway.

5. Pray for Your Man and Your Marriage

You know your husband like no one else does and you can pray for him like no one else will. If you see an area of need in his life, pray for him. If he is struggling with specific issues, pray for him.

It took me years to realize that one of my greatest callings as a wife was to not only pray, but to desire that my husband would be all God created him to be and to long for him to fulfill his God-given destiny. That should be a continual cry of my heart. It’s part of loving him well.

Marriage isn’t easy, but you can choose to love your man even when you find it hard to like him. It’s a choice that is intentional. Powerful. And it works.

These are just a few steps on our way to maintaining or regaining that loving feeling and one day, when you hurdle over the obstacles in your marriage, you’ll find that you love him more today than the day you said I do.

How do you keep your marriage strong? Share your story and encourage others.

 

Stephanie Shott is the founder of The M.O.M. Initiative, a ministry devoted to making mentoring intentionally missional. She is an author and a popular speaker, who helps women live full, fearless and faithful lives. To invite Stephanie to speak at your next event, visit her website at www.stephanieshott.com. To find out more about The M.O.M. Initiative or to begin a M.O.M. Mentor Group in your area, visit www.themominitiative.com.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of a marriage blog post you’ve written in the linky below. Here’s something exciting for the new year! I’m going to start highlighting my regular Wifey Wednesday contributors. I’ll start a contributor page, and every month I’ll highlight a new blog. So please link up! It’s a great way to get traffic and more recognition for your blog.

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Top 10 Things I Gleaned from Happy Wives Club

It’s a Tuesday, and that means it’s time for our Top 10 post! It’s a new feature I’m starting this year, and I’m so excited that one of my FIRST Top 10 posts is for my darling friend Fawn Weaver of The Happy Wives Club.

Fawn is a happy wife. But a few years ago she was just overwhelmed by all the negativity towards marriage in the media. So she told her husband Keith (my husband is Keith, too; Keiths are great!) that she was going to do something about it. She was going to start “talking up” happy wives, because she knew she wasn’t alone.

From that dream started her awesome blog (where I guest post sometimes) and her fabulous Facebook Page. And now she has a book out which is hitting bookstores TODAY!

Happy Wives Club isn’t a self-help book. Instead, it’s more of a memoir, with a “Under the Tuscan Sun” flavor. She hops on a plane and circles the globe, interviewing couples who have been blissfully married 25 years or more on all the different continents, to discover the commonalities, the threads, the secrets to these happy marriages.

The book is about her travels, her discoveries, and even her introspection as she’s challenged to risk more, to love more, and to be open to change. And it will make you hungry. Seriously. She ate such great food!

I actually met Fawn two years ago when she was in the middle of all of these travels. She’s honestly a delight, and she’s so humble. And I pray that she meets her goal of changing the way our culture sees marriage!

In her book she gives away, at the end, the 12 “threads” that she found in happy marriages. Instead of trying to narrow those down to 10, to fit my Top 10 meme, I’ll just tell you to buy the book if you want to know all 12 (and you should buy the book!). I thought, though, that I’d share the 10 Best Discoveries About Marriage I found on the pages. Some of them are more minor things, but they stood out to me, and I know you’ll recognize these themes from my writings.

1. Sex is great. Why waste time by avoiding it?

Okay, Fawn would be MORTIFIED that I put that as my #1. Whenever she wants to write about sex she asks me to guest post because she’s kind of shy. But she included this little nugget in the book, and I’m so proud of her for opening up! And I think she said it brilliantly. After being away from her husband for several weeks traveling, they’re reunited in London. And they have FUN.

Making love is not equivalent to love. But not making love is most certainly a waste. We didn’t want to be wasteful.

Seriously, sex is lovely. If you look for a reason not to have sex, you will always find one. Instead, let’s just change our mindset, and not waste the time!

2. Gratitude is the Key to Happiness

Fawn writes,

Every happily married person I interviewed on my trip was grateful for his or her spouse, thanking God daily for one another.

Do you thank God for your spouse? Here’s your challenge from me for you today: before you go to sleep tonight, put your hand on your husband’s shoulder as you lie in bed and thank God for your husband. Bonus points if you do it out loud so he can hear!

3. Happy Marriages are Contagious

When I was reading Fawn’s book, my husband was sitting at the island in our kitchen, working on some corporate forms he had to submit to the government. It was seriously boring and he was aggravated. And as I was reading about these happy couples bubbling over with love for one another, I realized how happy I was to have a husband who would do the boring things so I didn’t have to. And I got up and gave him a big hug.

I did it because I was inspired by a couple from New Zealand that’s featured in Fawn’s book. Hearing about couples who love each other, and seeing how they hold hands, and finish each other’s sentences, and touch each other’s knees, is adorable. And it makes you want to reach for that, too.

Don’t be afraid to let others see your happy marriage. It will inspire them to love their spouses, too!

4. A Happy Marriage Is a Key to the Fountain of Youth

Ever notice how adorable older couples are who are still in love? They look YOUNGER. And on her voyages, Fawn kept running into couples in their fifties, sixties, and seventies who looked a decade or so younger than their years. Staying happy keeps you young!

So treat each other well. Don’t sweat the small stuff. It pays such great dividends!

5. Deal with Problems When They Happen

Treating each other well and being grateful for each other doesn’t mean that you ignore problems. On the contrary: it means that you deal with them all the more, and as soon as they crop up, because you don’t want anything jeopardizing what you’ve got together.

Fawn writes,

I’ve known plenty of couples who choose to ignore budding problems or dissatisfactions because it’s easier in the moment. But too much of that for long enough, and you all of a sudden have a huge problem on your hands, or a midlife crisis, or a broken marriage.

Like I said in my post on being a Peace-Maker not a Peace-Keeper, keeping problems to yourself doesn’t help in the long run. Sometimes the route to peace lies through conflict, and that’s okay.

6. Listen to the Heart, not the Words

I’m a great listener when Keith and I argue. The only problem: I tend to be listening to the loophole, so that I can smash him over the head with it and win, rather than listening to what Keith is really feeling.

Happy marriages value the other person’s feelings. Instead of trying to “win” an argument, they try to make each feel respected and valued.

Kris, one of the women Fawn interviewed, understood this.

In that conversation with Richard, Kris did precisely what she’d done before offering her tennis quitting advice from years before. She paid attention. Instead of getting swept up in a reaction–regardless of how legitimate it would have been–she unseated herself and chose to focus on what Richard was saying. That kind of awareness is rare. It’s rare in a person and even more so with a couple.

But that awareness, when you let go of your own feelings and push them aside for now to truly listen to your husband’s heart–that makes all the difference in the world. You can always come back to your own feelings later. But if you don’t give him the right to air what he is feeling, and don’t give him the respect he needs, you’ll never come to a true feeling of intimacy or peace.

7. When You Get Into the Habit of Serving Each Other, Marriage Doesn’t Seem Like Work

Have you heard it said, “marriage takes a lot of work”?

I think that’s true–but I don’t think that’s the whole story. And so I was excited to see this echoed in Fawn’s book.

Here’s what I think happens: as you love your husband, you do nice things for him. You start to think, how can I make him smile right now? What could I do to make his load lighter, even if it’s only a small thing? Maybe it’s just getting him a cup of coffee, or giving him a kiss of the cheek as you pass by his desk. Yes, remembering to do these things takes work. But eventually it becomes so second nature that it isn’t work anymore.

That’s when things really get fun. I’m almost there in my marriage. I have a ways to go in getting my eyes off of myself and thinking more about how to show my husband love. But I am finding that marriage takes much less “work” than it used to because we’ve built good marriage habits. And now showing him love is actually fun!

8. Marriage Can Be One of the Best Healing Forces in the World

One of the things I so appreciated about Fawn’s book was her own story and struggles. She touches on some of the heartaches and problems and baggage that she brought into marriage. She felt lonely, and she felt useless, and she so needed to succeed to feel validated. And so she tends to overwork, and throw herself into business too much.

At the same time, she’s really nervous about having a child, because what if it wrecks her marriage? And what if she fails at that?

As Fawn talks to other couples, she relays how many of these fears are brought to the surface by God, as He starts to poke her in her tender places to get her to grow. But as you read the book, you realize that so much of that growth is not just between God and Fawn; it’s between Fawn and Keith, whom God is using to be a balm in her life.

I’ve had a week where baggage from my past has reared its ugly head again. I go through periods in my life where I feel paralyzed to open some emails, and the root of it is that I’m afraid people will reject me and not like me. It all stems from my childhood. But as I spoke to Keith about it, I realized that he is such a healing force in my life, and these things are slowly getting better. Marriage is a beautiful tool that God can use to heal some of our deepest wounds.

9. Life is More Fun when Experienced with Someone Else

Have you ever seen the most beautiful sunset, and then become immediately disappointed because your husband isn’t there to share it with?

Much of Fawn’s book is like that. You can feel how she enjoyed her travels and interviews so much more when her husband joined her. Yes, we need to have our own lives, and it’s important to develop hobbies outside of our husbands. But let’s never forget that life is richer when shared.

10. Happy Marriages are Alive and Well

I know many of you who come to this blog come here for help, because you’re not in a happy marriage right now. Perhaps that’s because we’ve lost that inspiration that it is possible. If more of us could sit at the feet of happy couples, we would move mountains to be able to have that for ourselves. I pray that both you AND your husband will feel that kind of urgency to create a truly happy marriage.

And let me end the way Fawn does, saying, it is totally possible! She writes,

Happy marriages are alive and well. The cries of their demise have been highly overrated, and couples happily married do indeed exist.

May you one day experience that level of happiness, too.

Happy Wives Club hits bookstores today! Order your copy now, and you’ll be encouraged and inspired, too.

And now, just for your pleasure, here’s a happily married couple that will put a smile on your face:

The post Top 10 Things I Gleaned from Happy Wives Club appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Reader Question: My Husband Won’t Stick to a Budget

It’s time for our Reader Question of the Week feature! I post a question that a reader has sent in and give some broad ideas of how I’d tackle it. Since we’re at the beginning of the New Year, and so many of you are trying to get new starts in all kinds of different areas, I thought I’d tackle a budgeting question: what do you do when your husband spends too much money? We had a great guest post last week on how to make Money Resolutions you can keep, and so I thought this question fit right in:

My husband is a natural spender and I am a natural saver. We both work and we make enough to pay for the basics that our household needs. We have no savings, and we have a lot of medical debt, student loans, and some past bill debts from when we weren’t making enough to live off of. He brings home about double what I do. His spending habits have improved since we got married. When he wants something I hate telling him no because I know how hard he works, but often times the things he feels are needs really aren’t needs and as a result he buys things for himself throughout the year. He also has a video game addiction that he puts of his extra money into.

I put things I really need on the back burner and I am starting to feel resentful toward him and I want to change that. I feel resentment when the soles of my work shoes are coming undone yet he just bought a new game. I feel resentful when my child’s school uniforms look horrible and I have to take the money from our $60 a week grocery budget to go to the thrift store to find him a pair of pants. I beat myself up right now because I am pregnant and extremely high risk and the medication I need costs $140. I cry every time thinking about what debt I could have paid off or what need I could meet with our house when I buy the medication or travel to the 2 hours one way to the doctor. Then when his cell phone (which he does need for work) goes out on him, instead of finding an affordable replacement he is insisting on spending 150 for a nicer one. While the cost of the nicer one is actually a good deal, He took the extra money from what we had budgeted out of the money set aside for us to use while we were at the hospital delivering our second child.

How do I open up our financial lines of communication and find a middle ground for us? How can I meet his need to spend with my need to feel like we aren’t drowning in debt and meet all of our household needs as well. How do I get him to understand the importance of a having a savings, and why we should pay off these medical bills, and past debts?

That’s a really big problem, and one that I know many readers have. So I thought today I’d give some broad thoughts on how to get on the same page financially.

There’s several negative dynamics going on here, and so I’d like to give some general guidelines and some ideas for going forward.

Don’t Focus on the Small Things

When we start having disagreements like this, we tend to focus on the most recent infraction. This rarely works.

The issue is not that he bought a game and she didn’t have money for children’s clothes; the issue is that they don’t have a budget that works.

Arguing about the game is completely fruitless. You will end up frustrated and he will end up frustrated. Yet when someone doesn’t stick to a budget and makes a purchase that we think is frivolous and irresponsible, that tends to be what we do. “How could you have spent $75 on a game when we’re in debt?” He ends up defending the game, you fight the game, and you’re missing the bigger picture.

Often there’s a “straw that breaks the camel’s back”, something that he buys that sends you over the edge. Resist the impulse to blow up at that one thing. Take a step back and discuss the REAL issue, which is the budget.

Get the Big Financial Picture in Mind–Together

The real issue is that they do not have a shared plan for getting out of debt or a shared understanding and vision of where their family is going. She is trying to rein everything in while he feels no need to at all. And because of that they’re going to be constantly at loggerheads. She will feel like he’s undermining her, and he will feel like she is a spoilsport and is disrespecting him.

So you have to have a conversation where you focus on the big picture, not on the little things. If you know WHY you have a budget–ie. you sit down and say, “we need to have $x saved up for our retirement by this particular year in the future, and that means that we need to be working towards clearing debts and saving $X a year”, then it’s easier to stick to it.

When you’re not upset, sit down with a calculator, a pen and paper, and a list of your bills and assets, and ask if you can talk through things.

1. Ask him, where would you like to be in 10 years? In 15 years? Would you like to own a house? Would you like to be able to take vacations? Make a list of what you would like.

2. Now talk about where you are right now. What is your net worth? Add up what you own, and then add up what you owe, and subtract what you owe from what you own.

3. Now plot where you will be if you do nothing differently for the next five years. If you keep going like this, what will happen? Will your credit cards max out? Will you be unable to pay for anything? Compare that to your goals in #1.

4. Talk together about how to move forward differently. A great resource is Dave Ramsey’s program Financial Peace, which so many of my Facebook fans recommended. If you make a plan to read through that together over the next few weeks, he’ll help you, step by step, figure out a budget and a savings plan and a debt repayment plan.

One other step that a few Facebook commenters suggested is to show the difference between paying things off and not paying things off. How much money are you spending in interest every month? Every year? Now, how many video games would that money buy? What kind of vacations would that buy? If you can be diligent for a few years, then you won’t be throwing that money away anymore and you can have more room for fun purchases.

Beware of the Over-Compensating Downward Spiral–Your husband spends too much money, so you become a miser

A few other tips. Quite often when we’re approaching a problem differently we tend to overcompensate. We do this in parenting, too; if he’s a strict disciplinarian, and you like to hug and kiss and build relationship, then you’re going to think he’s an ogre. And whenever he comes down hard on the kids, you’ll let them have things easy for a while. When he sees you letting them off the hook, he’ll become even firmer. In the end, you both don’t even resemble what you want to be. You’re far too lax for your own liking, and he’s far too strict, but that’s what you’ve become as you’ve compensated for one another.

The same thing happens with money. When your husband spends too much, you feel like you can’t spend anything. So you stop spending entirely. You become a miser. When he sees you not spending anything, he feels like you both need more fun in your life, so he spends even more. You become even more a saver than you naturally are, and he becomes even more a spender.

I see that happening here. She’s afraid to even spend money on medicine which she needs for her child. When you feel yourself over-compensating, talk about it. Don’t let this spiral start.

Give Yourselves Disposable Income

For a budget to work, you have to have disposable income. The goal is not to spend $0. The goal is to slowly but surely get out of debt and build your net worth. Make sure, then, that when you do budget, you budget in some money for him to spend on himself, and some for you to spend on yourself. And then do spend it! It’s not a good example to your children if you deprive yourself of absolutely everything and lose yourself because you want to give them a better life. You need balance.

How do you stick to only spending what you’ve budgeted? If impulse spending is a problem, then the best way is to set up a cash system. At the beginning of the week, give each of you your disposable income, in cash. Leave the credit cards at home. Tell your husband he can spend that money on anything, but if he wants something big, he’ll have to save it up over the course of several weeks. If you make a habit of only spending cash, those rash purchases don’t tend to happen.

Consider Setting Up Separate Finances

Finally, I don’t recommend this very often, but there are times when it’s best to separate finances. I’m a huge believer in couples having one bank account, and having it be “our” money, not “his” and “hers”. My husband and I have always shared finances, and we never label any money as belonging to him or belonging to me. What’s ours is ours, no matter who earned it. That, I think, should be the model for marriage.

However, if your husband is consistently driving you into debt, and is endangering the family’s financial health, then talking to a third party about it and asking to sit down and talk about altogether is likely warranted. And then setting up a separate bank account is probably a good idea. When the pay is deposited, you take out the money that you need for the family and you put it in a separate account so that you can pay off debt and buy groceries. With the help of a counselor or pastor, cancel credit cards if you need to. Let him keep some disposable income, but don’t give him access to the grocery money.

Again, I don’t think this step should be taken unless you first talk to a third party, and unless things are really desperate. I don’t think this is a healthy model for marriage. But there are times when a guy is gambling money away, or when he’s spending so frivolously that you’re in danger of losing your house, and in that case you have little choice.

I don’t think you can fix a money issue like this without talking about the big picture, and without agreeing on a plan going forward. And I have found that the best way to agree on a plan is to read some of the financial planning books that are available. Dave Ramsey is really easy to read and really easily accessible, and he lays out a step-by-step system for developing a plan. Here are a few of his resources:

The Financial Peace Planner: A Step-by-Step Guide to Restoring your Family’s Financial Health ($11.90)

The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness ($16.48)

Total Money Makeover Workbook ($15.99)

Deluxe Executive Envelope System ($16.47) To help you move to a cash system!

That’s my advice for today! Have you ever had to get out of debt? How did you and your husband get on the same page? Let me know in the comments!

The post Reader Question: My Husband Won’t Stick to a Budget appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Beware of the Vacuum: Don’t Give Up Something Unless You Replace It

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week, I offer a proven solution to helping those resolutions stick.  This year, let’s plan to succeed!

December 20 was a pivotal day in my life, though I didn’t know it at the time. I drank my last Diet Pepsi. I’ve been trying to give up the wonderful drink, off and on, for about five years now, and lately I’ve been cutting down substantially.

But on December 20, only after I had finished that last can did I finally decide that I had had enough, thanks to some prodding from my pesky oldest daughter who mentioned things like “it can cause cancer” and “you’re killing yourself.” When a Christmas guest left a Diet Coke in the fridge, she poured it down the sink. I am officially cut off.

Old age dementia runs in my family, and I figure aspartame can’t be that nice a thing for your brain. So, after ten years of it being a daily habit, I’m done.

Many of us are quitting things this time of year. 2014 is upon us, and we want to start right. We’re going to cut out sugar. We’re going to cut out wheat. We’re going to cut out aspartame, preservatives, and anything resembling flavour. We’re going to beat our bodies into submission.

Yet one thing I’ve found with my decision to forsake Diet Pepsi is that vacuums aren’t pretty. When you quit something you rely on–whether it’s a drink or a cigarette or a daily Facebook fix–you’re disrupting your normal habits. That forms a vacuum. Whenever there is a vacuum, things rush in to fill it–usually bad things. That’s why it’s so hard to finally quit, because that vacuum reminds you, every second of every day, wouldn’t that nice cold fizz taste good right about now?

If you’re going to give something up, then, you must replace it with something–and it’s best to have that plan before you give that thing up.

Too often we think, “I’ll just develop self-control and I’ll be fine.” If self-control were that easy, we wouldn’t have rehab or Cheetos in giant bags or websites dedicated to the People of Wal-Mart. Taking pride in oneself and treating oneself well isn’t just about self-control; it’s about developing new habits. And it’s not easy.

That’s what I’m really struggling with right now. My cousin, who has never ingested anything bad into her body in her life, suggested that I replace my Diet Pepsi with lemon and Perrier. I wonder if she has ever actually tasted Perrier. But I’ve stocked up anyway, along with a new water cooler and some juices, because I need something.

These habits that we hate are only there because they serve some purpose in our lives.

Food comforts us. Alcohol helps us relax. Diet Pepsi dances on your tongue, especially when you take that first sip after the ice is added (I really need to reach for that Perrier again). Or perhaps it’s something even more intransigent: that go-nowhere relationship helps you feel not so alone, even if he’s never going to marry you, even if she’s never going to stop flirting with other guys, even if he still chooses porn over you. At least you have someone, right?

Maybe this year it’s time to say that the bad things that are holding you back have to go–and find something to replace them.

If you eat for pleasure, find something else that will give you pleasure. If you go for three days without taking more than a small dessert at a time, let yourself buy a new lipstick. Trying to give up cigarettes? Start a new hobby that will keep you busy. Tossing out that boyfriend who constantly berates you? Start volunteering and find a wider circle of friends.

Don’t just say good-bye to something; say hello to something else. Misery thrives in a vacuum, so this New Year’s, fill up that vacuum with things that help you, not hurt you. That’s the route to a truly Happy New Year.

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The post Beware of the Vacuum: Don’t Give Up Something Unless You Replace It appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Money Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Today guest poster Leanne Seel encourages us to make and keep our financial resolutions.

How long do your resolutions last?  Or have you given up on the idea of resolutions all together?  Change is hard – even when we want it with all our hearts.  I used to make resolutions each year.  Some lasted longer than others.   I’ve noticed over the years that the ones that have stuck follow two basic principles.

So here are the two basic principles to help you keep money resolutions:
1)      Positive goals

I resolve to work towards something rather than trying to move away from or stop doing something else.   For example, I succeed a lot more often when I resolve to buy only what is on my list when I’m in the grocery store instead of resolving to stop buying chocolate-covered almonds.  As soon as I think about chocolate-covered almonds, I want some.

2)      Small, manageable steps

Instead of trying to jump all the way to where I want to be all at once, I break it down into manageable chunks.   When I quit drinking Diet Coke about 12 years ago, I first had to switch to the caffeine-free version.  Once I broke the caffeine addiction, then I focused on the habit.  It worked.  I went from carrying a case of pop in my trunk to drinking only water.

When it comes to money, the same principles can apply.  We can resolve to take small, manageable steps toward the positive goals that we have set out.  I would like to challenge you to take positive action in each area of your finances in 2014.

Exception:  If you are in dire straits and you are about to lose your house or have your power shut off, you don’t have the luxury of making small changes over a period of time.  You need help now, so please find a financial counsellor who can work with you on an individual basis.

Assuming you’re not in need of drastic help, here are four areas of financial management, starting with the most important area:
Area 1 – Giving

As Christians, giving should be at the top of our financial priorities.  Our culture flips the priority order around and puts giving at the bottom.  This is completely wrong.  God should come first.  In practical terms in our family, we tithe at least 10% of our gross income to our local church.  Our donations to other organizations and almsgiving are over and above this amount.  Some think this is excessive.  Opponents to tithing often say that Malachi 3:8-11 is Old Testament law and therefore we are not obligated to follow it.  That may or may not be true.  Personally, I would rather err on the side of giving God too much (as if that’s even possible!).  Everything that we have belongs to Him (Psalm 24:1), so really 10% is a bargain.

Where are you at right now?  If you know that God would have you give more, start stepping out in faith and obedience to Him.  Take your usual monthly amount and add a bit to it, or even double it if you’re starting low.  Keep increasing until you reach the level God wants you to be at.

You may look at your numbers right now and think it’s impossible, but there’s a strange phenomenon that I’ve noticed with tithing.  The math doesn’t usually look like it will work, but then somehow it does.  When I was a university student, the savings I had built up in high school were running really low by my third year of a four year program.  I projected what I needed and what I anticipated making at my part-time job and it wasn’t enough.  In faith, I still tithed on any money that came in, and I stayed the course being responsible with my spending.  Then, not so coincidentally, I got extra hours at my job.  I found a cheaper place to park my car.  The things I needed at the grocery store were on sale.  God provided.  The same pattern has repeated itself in different ways many times since.

Area 2 – Debt repayment

The next priority is getting out of debt.  If you have consumer debt (debt for something other than a house, car, or education), then you need to get rid of it.  It’s not easy, but it’s necessary.  I wrote a 4-part series called Take this debt and SACK it on my blog last fall.  The four steps to this process are taking Stock of where you are (S), Allocating your repayments strategically (A), Cutting your expenses (C), and Keeping track (K) of what you’re doing.   If you have consumer debt, I would encourage you to read these 4 posts over the next 4 weeks (one post per week) and take the related actions.  Find the freedom that comes from being debt free!

Area 3 – Saving

Retirement, emergencies, future education… the list for saving goes on.  Are you putting away enough for all these things?  Try adding just a little to what you’re currently saving.  Once you adjust your spending downwards to what you have left over, save a bit more.  Keep going until you’ve reached your monthly savings goal.

Area 4 – Spending

In this area, we need to spend better.  When we go into a store, I tell my kids that the store’s goal is to get us to spend as much as possible.  Our goal is to get what we need while spending the least amount we can.  It doesn’t mean that we have to be complete penny pinchers with everything, but it does mean that we have to sacrifice in some areas in order to be able to spend more in others.

When I’m looking for areas to reduce our family budget, I start with recurring items because the savings will repeat month after month.  I spend the energy once to figure out the least expensive option, and I keep saving money over and over again (think insurance, phone, cable, internet, etc).  By reducing what we spend on an on-going basis, we’re able to meet our savings goal and then use the rest for fun stuff like a family vacation fund.

In 2014, I challenge you to examine an area of your budget where you can spend better.  Once you see the increase in your bank account, it will be worth the effort!  You may even decide to tackle more than one this year.

What are your financial resolutions for 2014?  What strategies have you found to be the most helpful in actually keeping the resolutions that you make?

Leanne Seel is a CPA, CA who lives in Ontario, Canada.  After spending many years as a partner in a CA firm, she now writes educational material while homeschooling her two children.  She is the author of The Emerging Entrepreneur:  Launching your part-time business in Canada and French Sing & Learn.  Her favorite place is the beach.  You can find more of Leanne’s money and tax tips at www.sensiblemoneysolutions.com.

The post Money Resolutions You Can Actually Keep appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Wifey Wednesday: 9 Tips For Great Sex For HER This New Year

Happy New Year! Today’s a day of new beginnings. The old year has washed away, and the new year is upon us. So let me ask you: what do you want for your sex life this year? Wouldn’t great sex be at the top of the list?

Maybe last year was tough. You were busy. You were tired. Your libido wasn’t great. You got into a rut. Sex became boring.

But it doesn’t have to be that way, and now’s the time to start fresh! Usually on this blog I give relationship advice, but today I’m going to steer more towards highly practical advice on how to make sex feel great for HER (the woman in the marriage!). We women sometimes have a more difficult time enjoying sex, so I’m going to give some specific tips on how to get those fireworks. If this gets a little graphic, I do think that we married women need some advice from somewhere, and this is a safe place. I’d rather you get it here than other iffy websites.

So here goes!

Great Sex Tip #1: Try a New Position

Sometimes we get into a rut and we’re afraid to try something new. But new positions can make things feel more exciting.

I have one particular position I stick with for two main reasons: it tends to feel the best, and it’s really cold in the winter and I don’t like getting out of the covers! But there’s an easy way to deal with that. Get a space heater for your bedroom and turn it on when you’re getting ready to make love. Then the fear of being cold won’t hold you back as much.

And if you have an easier time reaching orgasm in one position (most women do), that’s no reason not to try other positions as foreplay. Moving around during sex, and changing positions, has several benefits: it helps him last longer; it helps increase the excitement factor; it helps you keep your mind on what’s going on (since we women are notorious for our minds drifting during sex).

A new position can honestly feel great! So try it. Get on top. Move your legs around and find a good angle. Or whatever works for you! Make it your goal this New Year’s that AT LEAST every third time you make love you’ll use at least 3 positions. So maybe two times are fun and simple, but the spice the third time up. Go 3 in 3!

Great Sex Tip #2: Tilt Your Pelvis

Here’s something I talked at length about in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex: for women to reach an orgasm, we have to have our the clitoris stimulated in some way. Normal missionary position sex doesn’t tend to do this. But with one simple trick you can make it so much better. Just tilt your pelvis up (like squeeze your butt muscles, and your pelvis will tilt forward). When you do this, you make the angle better, so that when he’s thrusting he will hit your clitoris. But you also “engage” that little bit of flesh yourself because the tilting actually squeezes the clitoris. Seriously. Just try it right now–tilt your pelvis. Feel the difference?

You can do this in any position and enhance the pleasure, but often you have to actually get the position to work first before you tilt, or he’ll have a hard time entering you.

Great Sex Tip #3: Start with a Massage

Here’s one of course you’ll agree with: start sex with a massage. Keep some massage oil in the bedside table, or a massage candle, and start by massaging each other’s backs and legs. The benefits? It helps you relax first so that you can get rid of all the pinballs in your head of all the things you’re thinking about from the day. Also, if you massage naked, it’s very sensual, and it can get the libido going. It’s just a good transition time, and we’re more likely to get “warmed up” with a massage. It shows he cares, it helps our bodies relax, and it helps us calm down mentally, too.

Great Sex Tip #4: Play Teacher

Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you understand each other sexually. What feels good to one person does not necessarily feel good to another. And men tend to like being touched very differently than women do (men like things rougher and more deliberate; women tend to like things lighter). Also, just because something is an erotic zone does not mean that it wants to be touched all the time. For instance, many women don’t like their breasts touched roughly at all, or even handled that much, but when they’re highly aroused all of a sudden it’s exciting. So we’re different, and we like specific things.

Take a session or two where you play teacher. Tell him exactly what to do, like he is a pupil and he has to do everything you say. Pay attention to your body, and ask him to do anything you want. You can even be quite demanding! Then the next time turn the tables and let him be teacher. You just may learn a lot about each other.

It’s good to do this at least once a year, because hormonal changes will often affect what we want. We may think we’ve lost our libido when really our body has just changed and responds to different things now.

Great Sex Tip #5: Think Pressure, not Friction

Men tend to feel aroused by friction–he likes the rubbing back and forth. That can be pleasurable for women, too, but what really tends to help us is pressure–pressure on the clitoris, but also the pressure of feeling “full”.

Instead of thrusting all the way out and all the way in, then, try for part of making love to get him as deep as possible and and thrust only a little bit, so that the pressure is quite intense all the time. To help this, try wrapping your legs around him, or even have him kneel while you lie down to help him go deeper. Other positions, like having you lie on your stomach while he lies on top of you, can help with pressure, too.

Note: for many women this is something which changes after childbirth. Before childbirth, pressure isn’t as great a turnon. After childbirth it is, because we’re a lot looser. So if you haven’t had any babies yet, this may not be as big a one for you.

Great Sex Tip #6: Squeeze

To get that same feeling of pressure, try squeezing him while he’s inside you. That’s not as hard as it sounds. You use your Kegel muscles (the ones on the wall of vagina). They’re the same muscles that are engaged if you stop the flow of urine on the toilet. Do that a few times and you’ll feel what muscles I mean. Then try the same squeezing when you’re making love. This helps with that “pressure” feeling for you, and helps him feel great, too!

Great Sex Tip #7: Use Lubricant

Seriously. It’s not a failure on your part if you need to use lubricant. It often enhances the pleasure right away. You may not need it all the time, but most women fluctuate through the month with their ability to get aroused quickly, and with the amount of lubrication we naturally produce. Some nights may be great, and others may not. Menopause or breastfeeding and pregnancy throw another wrench in the whole thing. Lubricant can help you get a leg up, so to speak, so that sex is arousing right away.

Great Sex Tip #8: More Foreplay–And I’m Talking to You, Women!

Think of foreplay not as something that he does to you, but as something that you BOTH do. If you can become active BEFORE you start making love, you’ll find yourself much more aroused. Rub yourself against him. Climb on top of him and feel him. Take his hand and put it where you want it to go. Circle your hips and help him. If you’re lying there while he touches you, you can start to feel embarrassed, or bored, or nervous. If you’re engaged in the process, it’s more exciting for both of you.

Great Sex Tip #9: No More Erotica or Porn

If you want sex to feel amazing, you need to be aroused by your husband ONLY, and not be fantasizing about something else in your head. The more you watch porn or read erotica, or the more he does, the more sex isn’t about any kind of spiritual intimacy, but it’s just about using each other. That ends up feeling cheap and impersonal.

And the best sex isn’t sex that’s “enhanced” by porn (porn actually steals sexual pleasure); it’s sex when you feel very loved. Commitment is the best aphrodisiac. If you want more information about this, check out this ebook by Covenant Eyes about what sex does to your brain.

So let’s make a New Year’s Resolution for No More Boring Sex this year! Sex is so wonderful: it unites you not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. Get rid of anything that robs you of that, and then decide that it’s going to be something fun that you both enjoy this year. It’s time for a new start; take it!

In fact, today’s a great day to launch into my book 31 Days to Great Sex. It’s January 1, and it’s the beginning of the year, so why not ask him if he’ll join you? It’s got exercises that will help you talk about what you want, help you flirt more, and help you connect. And, of course, there are days that help it feel great and spice things up, too. Pick it up today!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of a marriage blog post you’ve written in the linky below. Here’s something exciting for the new year! I’m going to start highlighting my regular Wifey Wednesday contributors. I’ll start a contributor page, and every month I’ll highlight a new blog. So please link up! It’s a great way to get traffic and more recognition for your blog.

The post Wifey Wednesday: 9 Tips For Great Sex For HER This New Year appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Top Ten Posts of 2013

On Tuesdays in 2014 I’m starting a new feature: Top 10 Tuesdays, where I’ll be publishing a list of something. I want it to be more of a “fun” day, so we’ll have Top 10 kisses, top 10 ways to make sex feel great, or even more innocuous things, like top 10 marriage novels.

I thought, then, that today would be a great day to launch it, with the Top 10 Posts of 2013. These are the ones that were read and shared the most, and if you missed any, check them out!

Here’s how you can really help me: If you find any that you particularly like, could you “pin” them or share them on Facebook? That’s how I get most of my new readers, and I’d love to reach more people with my marriage affirming message! Thank you!

Top 10 Posts of 2013 from this Marriage Blog

1. 7 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage (psst: I’m signing a contract as we speak to turn this one into a book!)

2. Top 50 Most Romantic Movies You all helped me to choose these!

3. 2 Player Games to Play with Your Husband

4. 25 Quick Ways to Show Your Husband Love These really do work. Choose a few today!

5. Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband (Pin this one for next year!)

6. My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive–A Round Up I get a lot of traffic from Google for this one, from women who are quite sad. It is a difficult situation.

7. My Husband Plays Video Games Too Much

8. Why is it So Hard to Say Yes to Sex? If you find sex a hassle, here’s some encouragement for you.

9. Is Masturbation in Marriage Wrong? This post is popular almost entirely because of search engine traffic. What a difficult situation so many spouses are in, if their wife/husband prefers masturbation to sex. Here are some thoughts.

10. How Technology Threatens Marriages I liked this column. I think you will, too!

Top 10 Posts Overall for 2013

Only one of these posts was actually written in 2013, but these are the top posts for this blog for this year. Most of them have gone viral on Pinterest, so that’s why they’re so popular! If you don’t follow me on Pinterest yet, please do! I share a lot of great marriage stuff there.

1. 50 Most Important Bible Verses to Memorize Now that the New Year is here, why not start working through these?

2. 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

3. Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband (Pin this one for next year!)

4. 7 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage (from 2013!)

5. How to Stop Temper Tantrums Before They Start This one went totally viral on Pinterest recently. It really does sum up my parenting philosophy. Instead of focusing so much on discipline, let’s just engage our kids.

6. 7 Steps to Raising a Teen Who Won’t Date Too Young And I’ve written a more recent follow-up to that post, now that my girls have gone through a lot of the teen years, here.

7. 50 Best Marriage Quotes of 2011

8. 29 Days to Great Sex Day 1: The Act of Marriage (now’s a great time to start the 29 day challenge! Or pick up my ebook for the more in-depth and expanded 31 Day option, written for couples, not just addressed to the wife)

9. Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love? Another post that people read mostly from arriving from search engines. If your husband has a low libido, and seems to always reject sex, you can feel so alone. Here’s the first in a four-part series I wrote about it.

10. 25 Marriage Tips It’s a fun one!

I hope you enjoy these! Thanks so much for being part of my blogging community in 2013, and I hope to bring you lots more great content in 2014!

Happy New Year!

The post Top Ten Posts of 2013 appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I’ll be signing off the blog for a little while to spend some time with my family (especially now that my older daughter is home for a few weeks!). My column will still be up this Friday, but I won’t be back until the New Year.

One of the things that I’ll be thanking God for over this Christmas season is the tremendous blog community we have here. I’m so thankful for all of you who comment and send me encouraging emails. I appreciate you, and you make me smile!

And I’m so blessed that God has used this little blog to help marriages. Pray that Google continues to bring me favour, so that when desperate people are searching for advice about sex, marriage, and even what to do with a porn addiction, they end up here and not somewhere gross.

We have so much to be grateful for this Christmas season, and one of the things that I often think is that Jesus left perfection to come and walk on earth with us. He experienced sickness (without the benefit of Advil or Kleenex), and He experienced loneliness, and He experienced death of those He loved. He really does understand.

And the Christmas season offers us new hope–that life will not always be like this, because He came and made a way so that we could know God intimately.

“Emmanuel”–God with us. That is what Christmas is. God with us. A God who understands, a God who wants to be intimate with us, a God who wants to change us from the inside out.

No matter where you are in your marriage right now, I pray that you will experience “God with us” Emmanuel this year. And I pray that He will give you hope–hope for your marriage, hope for humanity, and hope for the world to come.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

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