Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 218

Wifey Wednesday: Keeping Your Marriage Strong (After Kids)

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage!  Today guest poster Lindsey Bell shares with us about how to keep your marriage fresh once kids come.

My husband and I had been married for five years when we had our first child. Those first five years, by and large, went well. Of course, we fought from time to time, but we also had a lot of fun together.

I thought our marriage was solid.

That all changed when we brought a baby home.

I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep, the stress of trying (unsuccessfully) to breastfeed, the role changes, or something else, but our marriage took a huge hit that first year we were a family of three.

To be honest, we are still rebuilding. We are working—day by day—to make our marriage solid again.

This time, though, we are doing it with kids, so it’s been a bit more challenging. It requires more intentionality and creativity.

Keeping your marriage strong after kids is certainly not easy, but here are some tips that help.
1. Go on dates regularly.

I know many marriage experts claim you should date your spouse at least once a week. (And honestly, if you’re able to do that, it certainly couldn’t hurt.)

But some of us can’t afford to go out or pay for childcare that often.

If this is the case, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just do what you can. Can you go on a date every other week? Or once a month? What about having an at-home date after the kids go to bed once a week?

You might have to be creative more now than you used to, but the payoff is worth it.

2. Study your spouse.

Learn his or her love language (touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or quality time). Then do your best to speak this language. Take some personality tests to better understand each other.

Figure out those things that energize his or her soul, and then do your best to meet these needs.

3. Go away together.

There is nothing like a romantic trip for two to bring a little bit of spice back into a marriage.

Find someone you trust to watch your children and take an overnight trip (or even a week long vacation!)

My husband and I take trips together (kid-free) at least once a year. Sometimes we are only able to be away for one night, and that’s okay. One night away can strengthen your marriage in incredibly ways. 

4. Take care of yourself.

If you’re not getting enough sleep, failing to eat right, and never doing anything for yourself, you’re bound to snap at your spouse.

Take care of yourself just as you take care of your child.

If you wouldn’t let your child skip a meal, then you don’t skip one either.

If you make him get plenty of sleep, make yourself rest too.

A rested and healthy man or woman is a much more pleasant person to be around.

5. Choose your spouse every day.

It’s so easy to get selfish in a marriage. To think about the things you need from your spouse and the things he or she is not doing for you.

It’s a whole lot harder to put your spouse’s needs first. To think instead about what you can do for him and how you can meet his needs.

For me, it’s a choice I have to make every single day. I have to choose to be selfless.

6. Appreciate the things your spouse does for you.

Once you’ve been married for a few years, you tend to stop appreciating some of little things your spouse does for you. Whereas before you would shower him with praise for filling your car with gasoline, now you don’t even notice. Or worse, you expect it and then become angry when he forgets.

Take a few moments each day and thank your spouse for the things he or she has done for you.

Did he go to work? Thank him for it.

Did he pick up the kids from school? Thank him for it.

Did she make dinner? Thank her for it.

Did she bring home a pizza? Be appreciative.

Start making an effort to notice the kind actions of your spouse.

7. Put your spouse above your kids.

As a stay-at-home mom, my kids are my world. Outside of writing and church activities, there are very few things I do that don’t have something to do with my kids. (And honestly, even my writing is about them a lot!)

But my husband should know—and so should my kids—that he is my priority. After God, he is the number one man in my life. My two boys come after him.

It’s not because I love my kids any less. In fact, it’s because I love them so much that I put my marriage first.

There is no better gift a parent can give their child than the gift of a solid marriage.

So let’s talk: How do you keep your marriage strong? Leave a comment to be entered to win a giftcard from Lindsey for her blog tour contest!  And  Link up the URL of a marriage post to today’s Wifey Wednesday, and get some traffic back to your blog!

This post is part of a Lindsey’s blog tour for Searching for Sanity, her new parenting devotional. You can read other posts in this tour by going to her blog: www.lindsey-bell.com.

About Lindsey Bell:

Lindsey Bell is the author of Searching for Sanity, a new parenting devotional. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, and chocolate lover. Find her at her blog, or on Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest.

 

About Searching for Sanity:

Have you ever looked at your beloved children and wondered, what in the world am I doing? Why did God trust me—of all people—to raise them?

Motherhood is the most difficult job many of us will ever take. Searching for Sanity offers moms an opportunity to take a breath, dig into the Word, and learn from parents of the past. In short devotions designed for busy moms, this book uses the parents of the Bible—both the good and the bad—to inspire today’s mothers.

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Top 10 Ways to Turn Your Bedroom Into a Couple’s Oasis

It’s Top 10 Tuesday, when I give you TEN great ideas to accomplish something important, and then you can pick 1-3 to actually DO–and start meeting a goal. Today I want to talk about creating a romantic bedroom for you and your husband–and creating a little oasis for you away from the chaos of the rest of your life.

Too often we don’t pay enough attention to the bedroom because we’re the only ones who actually see it. It’s where the stuff we don’t know where to put gets stashed, because we want to keep the living room and kitchen clean for when company comes over. So the Visa slips get thrown on the dresser, and the laundry gets folded on the bed, and it’s all a big mess. It’s not relaxing at all.

But the bedroom is where you live out your relationship with your husband, which is the most important relationship in your house. When your relationship goes well, it’s so much easier to parent. And the kids do better, too!

When I asked on my Facebook Page about ways to turn your bedroom into an oasis, the number one answer was “get rid of clutter”! Absolutely. Treat your bedroom with respect, because it represents the priority you place on your relationship. But that doesn’t mean JUST keeping it neat. Here’s your goal for your bedroom: make it a place where you can relax, where you sleep well, and where you can be romantic with your husband. So what can you do besides decluttering to turn your bedroom into an oasis?

1. A Romantic Bedroom Deserves An Awesome Mattress

Mattresses make a huge difference. First, you need to be able to sleep well. As I’ve written before, sleep is a marriage issue! If you’re exhausted, you’re not going to have the energy to nurture your relationship. But mattresses are also important to give you support, because let’s face it, there are some mattresses that make sex a little, um, difficult. We’ve been hotels with mattresses that just don’t work.

Invest in a Tempurpedic mattress, or a memory foam mattress, that help you sleep well and provide support. Maybe this is a purchase you can’t afford right away, but a good quality mattress will last for at least a decade, and your sleep is worth the investment. So save up and prioritize this purchase!

2. Buy Great Bedding

Do you freeze in the winter under about 6 blankets? Is your quilt threadbare?

I noticed such a difference in the quality of my sleep when we bought a proper down duvet. Again, this is an expensive purchase, but it’s worth saving up for. And I think it pays for itself in the end. I’ve bought plenty of those “comforter sets” in discount stores that were $60 or $70, but they never lasted more than a few years before they were ratty and kind of ugly looking. A duvet will last a long time, and you can put lovely duvet covers over it.

3. Keep Your Office Someplace Else

This may not be possible for everyone. When we lived in an apartment when the girls were small, we did have the office in our bedroom, and I did my work there. But if you have the space, move your office to a spare bedroom, a corner of the kitchen, or a corner of the dining room. Sure, it may not look as pretty when you have company over, but it’s worth it. If you step into the bedroom and the first thing you see is all the bills that need to be paid and the computer with email to check, you’re not going to relax. So try to have different places in the house for specific things: the bedroom is to relax and rejuvenate and to be romantic; work is for other places. Your brain starts to associate these things with specific places, and then it actually is easier to relax!

4. Keep Electronics out of the Bedroom

By the same token, plug in your devices, including phones if you can, at night in the kitchen or dining room, rather than the bedroom. Don’t have devices in the bedroom where you can check email or go on Facebook or play a game. I had one husband email me in frustration once because his wife played Facebook games for half an hour after settling into bed, and then ignored him. Put the phone away!

And try to keep the TV out, too. If the TV’s in the room, you’ll turn it on and watch it and often fall asleep to it. If the TV’s not in the room, you’ll talk and snuggle and do other things!

5. Keep Kids Away

You need a place that is just for you and your husband. When the babies are newborns you will need them near you, but once they’re past that newborn stage, transition them to their own room, so that you can relax with your hubby. It’s hard to get romantic if kids are in the bed!

6. Get a Massage Candle–and other soft lights

I love these! I was introduced to them last year and I’m a big fan. They’re candles made of soya, and when you light them, the wax melts, but it isn’t so hot it will burn you. So you can pour it on your back and use it to massage your spouse! And they smell wonderful, too. Get some things in your bedside table that make massage easier–a massage candle, massage oil, moisturizers, whatever works for you! And then use them.

And scatter other candles around the bedroom, too! They’re romantic, and a little bit of light goes a long way. Think of sex as something which is going to involve all the senses–sight, sound, taste, smell–and not only touch. So light some candles and it’s a more sensual experience.

Oh, and if you’re going to have candles, stick a lighter in your bedside table!

Here’s a bonus idea from a Facebook Fan: string some of those little white lights along the ceiling. They’re very inexpensive, but it makes your bedroom look like a starry night. It makes it special, out of the ordinary. And they’re fun!

7. Get a Space Heater

Maybe it’s the Canadian in me, but I’ve often said to my husband,

If you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you might actually want to turn the HEAT UP.

He likes the thermostat low at night to conserve energy and money, which is good. But then I’m stuck in flannel pyjamas that leave EVERYTHING to the imagination, complete with fuzzy socks, to stay warm. A compromise is to have a space heater that can heat up your bedroom without spending money heating the rest of the house. Then it’s easier to get romantic without freezing–and easier to change positions a bit when you don’t need to be on the bottom just to stay warm!

8. Keep a Book of Prayers Handy

I’m a big believer in books of prayers! Maybe it’s the years I spent in an Anglican church, but prayers that are written, that people put great thought into, are often tremendously beautiful. So put a book of prayers on your bedside table, and every night read one together. It helps you focus, helps you feel more intimate, and gives you peace. And if your husband isn’t comfortable praying out loud, it makes it less intimidating, too.

9. Use an Essential Oil Diffuser

Essential oil diffusers are really inexpensive, and they’re super easy! Just fill the top with water, put 5-10 drops of essential oil in the water, and then light the tea light candle underneath. I get mine at the dollar store. It helps the bedroom smell luxurious. Lady Sclareol is a unique blend of oils designed to help women “get in the mood”, and is the gold standard for sensual blends. That means it’s also expensive–but seriously, you use 5 drops at a time! Clary sage oil is MUCH cheaper (only $5), and it smells lovely, too.

You can also buy electric diffusers that are more expensive but work really well.

10. Hang Photos of the Two of You

Remind yourselves of the romantic times you’ve had in the past. We have a huge blown up picture of the two of us above our bed, that was taken when we were on a cruise a few years ago. Don’t put any pictures of the kids in your bedroom, either! This is just for you. I have over 100 photos displayed in my house of the kids, but none of them is in my bedroom!

Oh, and as one person commented on Facebook, “I’m thinking of taking the in-laws down off the wall.” Very good idea. After a thread about that, a woman wrote:

Indeed. Get the photos of other people down.

Now it’s your turn: what would you do to create a romantic bedroom? Let me know in the comments!
I was partially compensated for this post, but the opinions are my own. Check this out for more info!



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IKEA’s Helping Syrian Refugees–with their Brighter Lights Program

Lately I’ve been busy. And we’ve had some major ups (things to celebrate!) and some major downs (health problems) in my extended family. And when that happens we often get really self-absorbed. We think about how hard our own lives are.

And yet I can’t help feeling so despondent over the plight of the refugees from the Syrian conflict–and from other conflicts around the world. The Syrian conflict is close to my heart right now because it’s the most dangerous place to be as a Christian right now. North Korea is more dangerous percentage wise, but Syria had the most Christians dying last year. And so many have fled to refugee camps to get away from the violence. It’s so heartbreaking.

When I was in Kenya I talked to refugees from sectarian violence, and we often think of them as just poor people who must be used to living in refugee camps. They always look so downtrodden you think that this is the way life has always been. But I met upper middle class people who had had to run, with no warning, out of their house to escape people with machetes. They were lawyers and hospital administrators. And now they were in refugee camps. The same thing is going on in Jordan camps, and in Ethiopia, and in Chad, and Bangladesh, and so on, and so on.

And Ikea wants to help! And so they asked me to part of their campaign for Brighter Lights this month.

On February 18, my daughters and I are going to go without lights of any kind (not even cell phones!) at night. On February 19, we’re going to use a solar-powered LED lantern. And then I’ll report back to you and tell you what a difference a light makes!

Imagine what a difference a light makes in a refugee camp. If you were a woman, in a camp, and you had to go to the washroom at night, you’re at really heightened danger of rape. It’s horrifying. I heard the stories in Kenya; I know they’re being multiplied in these camps.

Solar street lights can improve safety in refugee camps by reducing the risk of crime, sexual and gender-based violence.
Solar lanterns help girls and boys in refugee camps study after dark, improving results in school.
Solar street lights help improve life in a refugee camp, enabling more community gatherings and social activities.
Solar lanterns allow refugees to continue important income-generating activities such as weaving or sewing during the dark hours.
Solar lanterns enable refugees to run their small shops and kiosks into the evening, increasing prospects of generating a sustainable income.

Ikea’s Brighter Lives for Refugees campaign runs February 3 – March 29, 2014. The global IKEA store initiative includes a donation of one euro ($1.37)* to the UN refugee agency UNHCR for every IKEA LEDARE – LED light bulb sold. So if you’re planning on doing some shopping at Ikea, why not do it now? And buy some light bulbs while you’re at it!

 

The post IKEA’s Helping Syrian Refugees–with their Brighter Lights Program appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Make Valentine’s Day Celebrate Your Marriage Day!

Usually on Mondays I post a Reader Question, and then take a stab at answering it.

The vast majority of the questions that come into this blog are a variation on this:

My husband just isn’t affectionate. He doesn’t really pay attention to me. Our marriage is boring. He spends all his time on the computer or on the iPad. We don’t have a relationship. What do I do?

I’ve tried to answer these in various ways, like how to create a friendship with your husband, or how to live in a loveless marriage, and more.

But I know that this time of year these feelings often pop up again. And so when my friend Cheri Gregory told me about a post she wanted to write on avoiding the Valentine’s Day Blues, I knew it would resonate with a lot of women who wonder why their husbands don’t seem to show any love.

Here’s Cheri:

Soon it will be Valentine’s Day.

A.K.A. My Husband Disappointed Me Yet Again Day.

Followed by Punish Him for His Failures Week.

Well, at least that’s how I viewed February 14 during the early years of my marriage. I had so many Hallmark-instilled expectations for what The Day should be like and would be like, if only my husband could…

• read my mind and do exactly what I hoped he would do without me telling him what I wanted…

• manufacture time and energy to execute elaborate plans on an arbitrary day…

• cave into societal pressure and become someone quite different from his everyday self once a year…

I was dismal with disappointment after our first few Valentine’s Days because “we” didn’t celebrate the way I thought we should. Thank heavens Pinterest and Facebook didn’t exist back then! Comparing what I lacked to what other women so clearly had would have compounded my self-inflicted misery.

What Do I Really Want out of Valentine’s Day?

Early on, I had clear expectations of what I thought my husband should do on Valentine’s Day. But I failed to do two vital things:

1) I didn’t tell him, well in advance, my hopes for Valentine’s day.

I bought in to the immature belief that “If he really loved me, he would just know what I want.” Assuming that he already knew, I became upset when he withheld from me what I needed.

The actual truth, of course, was that he had no idea what was going on inside my head. He expected me to be honest with him, to tell him what I wanted.

2) I didn’t realize what I really wanted.

I thought I wanted flowers, a card, and a romantic evening together.

But I didn’t.

What I really wanted was to feel the way I imagined these things would make me feel. This meant that I typically ignored my husband’s best efforts and judged his “success” based on my oh-so-fickle feelings.

Expectations Kill Love

Patty Newbold’s blog Assume Love has been a major perspective-shifter for me. I keep these two quotes taped on my mirror:

• “Expectations, other than the one you were promised–that you will be loved–are premeditated resentments.”

• “Resentment is a marriage killer, and it grows from unmet expectations.”

I finally realized that I had a choice:

I could get caught up in commercialized expectations for February 14, developing such a judgmental attitude toward my husband that I displayed disrespectful behaviors.

or

I could choose to recognize February 14 as just another day, no more or less important than February 13 or February 15. Certainly no reason to justify negative beliefs or behaviors.

Today, I’m grateful for a long-term perspective on my expectations. Twenty-five uneventful Valentine’s Days pale in comparison to almost 10,000 days of doing life together. Letting go of my expectations for this one arbitrary commercialized holiday has freed me to enjoy our camaraderie and romance whenever they occur.

Celebrating “Us”

Am I suggesting that we all completely ignore February 14? Not at all. In fact, letting go of my expectations has allowed me to enjoy finding ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day that worked for us, for that particular year.

Here are a few; perhaps you’ll find an idea you can adapt to your marriage.

1. Dialogue about this year’s Valentine’s Day

Pull out a calendar, sit down with your husband, and ask some key questions:

• What would I like to do?

• What would you like to do?

• What’s in the budget?

• What’s reasonable considering our season of life?

• What’s happening the week before and the weekend after?

• How much time and energy are we each likely to have on February 14?

Whenever we have a simple conversation well in advance, I stay grounded in reality rather than getting lost in my own fantastical expectations. It also means that we’re working together as a team, keeping the pressure off of either one of us to “produce” some amazing extravaganza.

2. Declare your own “Valentine’s Day.”

Call me dense, but it took me years to figure out that we could celebrate on a different day. Restaurants aren’t nearly as full on February 13 or 15. Or 25, for that matter. Sometimes, we plan ahead for our private Valentine’s Day celebration. Other times, we simply find ourselves in the midst of celebrating our marriage. Like last week, when we spontaneously went grocery shopping together and then stopped at our favorite Mediterranean restaurant for dinner. Between bites of dolma, I looked across the table at Daniel and said, “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

So, for us, Valentine’s Day 2014 was January 30.

You don’t have to force February 14 to be The Day. During the upcoming weeks, you can be alert to a natural together time, and declare it your very own Valentine’s Day.

3. Devote Yourself to Celebration (not Competition)

I used to approach Valentine’s Day as a competition without telling my husband I was keeping score.

I got all this for him; I wonder how much he got for me.

My friend’s husband has this elaborate plan for her; why doesn’t my husband ever do anything like that for me?

Year in and year out I’m the only one who even tries.

We both ended up feeling like losers–on a day devoted to declaring love victorious!

Finally, I quit thinking about what he would get for me or what I would get for him. Instead, I started thinking about what we could do for our marriage.

Win-win.

Sheila put out a great list of “Valentine’s Day Gifts for Your Husband” last week. I’d like to challenge you to approach the list as “Valentine’s Day Gifts for Our Marriage”.

Make this the year that you don’t focus on what your husband does (or doesn’t) do for you. Focus, instead, on making the week of Valentine’s Day “Celebrating Our Marriage by Loving My Man Week.” Don’t make the mistakes I did as an earlywed, wallowing in all the coulds, woulds, and shoulds. Life’s too short to waste on the nauseating roller coaster of expectations and disappointment. Celebrate what you do have and who you are as a couple.

P.S. If you’re concerned that I’m letting husbands “off the hook,” I highly recommend Sheila’s “My Husband Needs to Change”

and Patty Newbold’s “When Love Goes Missing“.

Cheri Gregory is a Certified Personality Trainer; contributor/co-author of a dozen books, including Wired That Way and 21 Ways to Connect With Your Kids (with Kathi Lipp); and frequent speaker for MOPS groups, women’s retreats, parent workshops, and educational seminars. She holds an M.A. in Leadership and is working on her PhD. Cheri has been “wife of my youth” to Daniel, a pastor, for over a quarter-of-a-century; they have two college-aged kids. She blogs about expectations, “baditude”, and hope at www.CheriGregory.com

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Pornography is a Cancer on our Society

Not a long post today, but an important one.

Please watch this video. It’s deeply disturbing, but he’s exactly right on. The two key things that had me really scared: porn is almost entirely about violence today; and most porn watchers are between the ages of 13 and 18.

Lord, have mercy on us.

The post Pornography is a Cancer on our Society appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Are Kids’ Sports Teams Worth It?

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. I know a bunch of you are going to want to throw tomatoes at me when you’re finished reading this column, so I’m prepared.

I don’t know why I write stuff that I know will get people riled up, but I guess I was all riled up myself on Monday when we wrote this, because we’ve had snow like you wouldn’t believe here. The major highways have been closed. There have been tons of accidents. And still people are driving their kids to sports tournaments. It just seemed so unsafe to me, and so I went off on a tangent.

I know that there are good things about team sports, but I do sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it. I’ve written about the usefulness of some of these extracurricular sports before. But believe me, I know some families who balance it all wonderfully.

If that’s you, I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m not saying you’re a bad parent. Please believe me. But I still wonder, when I look at the time and money commitment (let alone the safety issues in weather like we’ve been having) if it’s always a good idea.

So I wrote this column.

You can commence throwing tomatoes now.

I’m the wrong one to write a column called “Are Sports Teams Worth It?”, because I was the kid who hyperventilated whenever we played soccer in gym class. I hated team sports; other people would be looking at me and relying on me.

So when I see parents in my social circle spending most weekends on the road to sports tournaments, and forking over huge amounts of cash in the process, I just don’t get it. It’s almost like I’m watching a foreign movie without subtitles. It doesn’t compute.

Once upon a time, of course, sports were easy.

In the 1950s, my father-in-law and his friends would lace up their skates on a pond and play hockey all day. Soccer was just kicking a ball around in the local field. But now everything is so regimented and expensive and complicated. And instead of being just a fun, informal thing, it becomes a Very Big Deal.

Certainly hockey is the Canadian birthright, and one shouldn’t question it, but have you ever done the math? If you have your child in a hockey league, it can easily cost $3000 a year per child. There’s the hockey equipment and the team fees, which can often be $1000. But the real kicker comes with all the travel. Driving to games, paying for hotels, paying for food and grabbing a drink while you’re out really adds up. Even a relatively cheap sport, like soccer, can run into several thousand if the kids have to go out of town for games. Then, to add to the indignity, the clubs spend their lives fundraising, and as a parent you’re stuck selling 100 chocolate almond bars or bags of Florida oranges to everyone you work with.

But it’s not just the cost. It’s the time.

I see families with two or more kids on different teams, and almost every weekend they’re heading out somewhere, often separately. Practices and games eat up multiple nights a week. When do you have dinner as a family? When do you do homework? When do you just relax?

I was at a friend’s fiftieth birthday recently where a bunch of grandmas sat around the table comparing stories. One shared about her daughter and son-in-law’s schedule with three boys in hockey. She was flabbergasted at how much money they were spending (they’re just racking up debt, she said), and how their lives were so chaotic. I asked her, “When do the parents get any time together alone?” “They don’t,” she chuckled ruefully.

Then last weekend the skies opened up and dumped so much snow on my community that I can hardly see over our snowbanks. Police warned motorists to stay off the roads. There were over 1700 collisions in Ontario on Saturday alone. And yet I know of several local sports teams where parents drove their kids to out-of-town tournaments–and all the kids showed up. Facebook was littered with, “It was a really stressful drive, but we made it!”

Really? Parents risked their children’s lives in the worst weather we’ve had all year, with highway closures and whiteouts, just for a game? And the organizers didn’t cancel? I can understand heading out if your job depended on it, or if it was a major life event.

But perhaps we’re taking this too seriously.

That’s the only explanation I have. I know parents who do a great job with sports, and they love it, and the kids are thriving. It certainly can be done. But when I look at the financial outlay, and the time commitment, and the fact that you have so little time at home, I just find it hard to think it’s worth the cost. Maybe I should relinquish my Canadian citizenship for even daring to suggest it, but I don’t get it. Am I the only one?

You can find Sheila at www.Facebook.com/sheila.gregoire.books.

The post Are Kids’ Sports Teams Worth It? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Help! We’re Living with Our Parents: When 3 Generations are Under 1 Roof

We live in a time where it is not uncommon to find three generations living under the same roof. Maybe you and your husband are going through financial difficulties, and you’ve had to move in with one set of parents. Maybe your parents are going through financial difficulties and have had to move in with you! Or maybe one of your parents is widowed, and just can’t live on their own anymore.

Sometimes life throws us these curve balls, and we have a living situation that we did not expect. Living with our parents isn’t the norm, and it can cause panic!

But some cultures have lived this way for millenia. It isn’t really that uncommon. And while to the North American mind it may not be ideal, there are definitely ways to make it work.

Divide Up Household Responsibilities and Establish Rules

Set up a system so that each night someone is assigned the dishes, trash, and so forth. If everyone makes a contribution, there is less likely resentment or argument will occur – especially if these responsibilities are divided up and assigned from the start. Furthermore, don’t make the mistake of assuming that certain courtesies are common knowledge to everyone; as a family, agree on what activities can and cannot be tolerated. For instance, is there a “quiet hour” that should be enforced? Do dishes need to be cleaned right away so they don’t pile up in the sink? By laying out expectations, you’re helping everyone to circumvent potential arguments. In order to keep track of who is suppose to do what, consider purchasing or creating a family calendar or organizer like some of the examples found here.

I know that’s hard to do because it puts “rules” on what is supposed to be a “relationship”. And we’re often uncomfortable talking about rules with our parents. But it’s better to get it out in the open now! Say something like, “This may be awkward, but we love you and we appreciate you and we don’t want the way we’re living to wreck our relationship. So let’s get ground rules so that there aren’t any misunderstandings.”

Decide on Child Care

Here’s the thorniest issue: You’ve moved in with mom and dad, but you don’t parent the same way. You want the kids to only eat at meals, with healthy snacks in between. Your mom loves to give them sugar. Or maybe you think your mom and dad are too strict, and they discipline the children needlessly.

They’re your kids, and you want to stay the parent. But if you’re living in your parents’ house, especially if it’s because you’ve lost your job or house, it can be hard to stand up to your parents. They have the upper hand.

At the same time, it really isn’t reasonable to ask that they never discipline the kids or never interfere. It’s also THEIR house, and if excess noise bothers them, even if you think it shouldn’t be a problem, it is.

So talk about what rules you want for the kids, and come to an agreement that you will be the one to discipline them when you are in the home. If you’re relying on your parents to look after the kids, though, you have to give them some leeway, even if they do things that you’d prefer they not do. If your parents are crossing a line, then you simply must move out. But if they just do things differently, then you’ll have to learn to show some grace and respect their boundaries, too. It’s the hardest part of living together!

Create a Safe Environment–for the Little Ones, but also for Seniors

Make sure your home is a safe haven for everyone. Obviously that means child-proofing the house, but maybe it means “senior proofing” the house, too! Make sure that the floors are clear of clutter (or tiny legos!) they can trip over. Install guardrails near the toilet and in the shower and make sure that the stairs are well-lit. In order to free yourself and your children from the burden of worrying about the older adults when you are out of the home, consider purchasing a medical alert system, like those found here; this way, the wearer can receive immediate attention, regardless of whether you’re nearby. Like your other security systems, this may never be activated, but to be safe than sorry.

Devise a System to Handle Problems

Communication and compromise are both extremely important when living with other people – especially in a multigenerational home.  Once a month, call a family meeting where everyone has a chance to express their own thoughts on what is working, what is not, and what needs to be fixed. My daughter lives with three other girls while she’s at university, and they have house rules printed on the fridge, and periodic meetings to check in and make sure everyone’s fine. If the meetings are regular and expected then resentment doesn’t have a chance to build up.

Respect Privacy

Are kids allowed in Grandma and Grandpa’s room? What about the office? Make sure your kids know what rooms to steer clear of. And what if you and your husband need some alone time? Consider paying for a dinner out for your parents. Sure it costs something, but if they’re letting you live with them, it’s relatively minor compared to rent. And make sure that you and the kids leave Grandma and Grandpa alone at least one night a week, too! Head out to a park, or go see a movie, or head to the library. Give them some time without you. In fact, as much as possible find things to do with the kids outside the home, whenever you can, to give your parents some peace. When the weather’s better, make picnic lunches. Have a homework time for school aged kids in the local library. Acknowledge that you want to give your parents some alone time, and then they’re more likely to give you alone time, too!

 Make Time for Family Bonding

Sometimes, though, instead of alone time you need together time! The best way to get over petty disagreements is to also have times when you’re laughing together. Whether it’s dinner together a few nights a week, or a family game night, it’s important to come together as a family. Sometimes finding ways for the generations to bond over hobbies does wonders, too! If Grandma is feeling overwhelmed with all the kids underfoot, what about spending time with just the oldest girl and teach her how to knit?

Hopefully the situation living with three generations is temporary, but if you set up rules, have times to talk about problems, and work on both bonding and on privacy, you may just find it works quite well (and saves a ton of money!). Most problems come when people don’t prepare for them, and often the reason that we have to all move in together is precipitated by a health or financial crisis, which doesn’t exactly make planning easy. But once the crisis has calmed down, take these steps to make it easier. And hopefully you’ll find that love really can multiply.

The post Help! We’re Living with Our Parents: When 3 Generations are Under 1 Roof appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:

Some Words of Reassurance for Parents of Young Ones
Wifey Wednesday: Setting Boundaries with Your Parents

Wifey Wednesday: Valentine’s Gifts For Your Husband

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own post at the bottom. And today I want to talk about Valentine’s Day gifts for your husband!
Usually we think of Valentine’s Day as a day when WE should receive something.

Indeed, men spend twice as much as women for this particular holiday. And I think that needs to stop! I’m not suggesting you break the bank. In fact, there are lots of things you can do that are cheap, or cost virtually nothing. But Valentine’s Day should not be a day when we think, “Honey, you need to prove to me that you love me.” It should be a day when we celebrate our love for each other. And that means making your husband feel special, too!

A number of you have written me asking what you can buy for your husband this Valentine’s Day, and I thought it was time I tackled it. The only problem is that pretty much every thought I had I included in a post last month on Sexy Stocking Stuffers for your husband. So I put on my thinking cap, added some new ones (like the awesome Scavenger Hunt idea), and came up with this list.

And don’t forget to check the bottom for my exciting Valentine’s Day Bundle Announcement!

So here goes!

Sexy Coupons for Valentine’s Day

1. Honey I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight Coupons – FREE

I’ve got some other downloadable hot coupons you can print out and put in his stocking–coupons like “Night of Passion”, “Quickie”, and “A Hunting I Will Go”. You get them free when you sign up for my marriage newsletter!

2. Romance Toolkit - $4.99

Want more romance in your marriage? Here’s a collection of awesome printables to put in his stocking–inviting him to different romantic date nights! Turn your marriage from boring to blazing! (Note: The Romance Toolkit is part of my Valentine’s Day bundle! See below).

3. 31 Days to Great Sex: ebook- $4.99, paperback $12

What man isn’t going to like getting a copy of 31 Days to Great Sex? It takes you through 31 days with short readings and then a challenge to help you grow more intimate, communicate more, and spice up your love life! You can either buy the ebook (much cheaper) or the paperback.

But how can you give an ebook as a gift? I’ve got coupons now that you can download and print out to put right in there. There’s a link in the book that takes you right to the coupons, but you can find them here. Here’s a small version of the Valentine’s Day coupon:

He’ll love it! You can buy it either on Kindle or as a .pdf (read on your iPhone, iPad, any ereader, computer, or print it out!). Or get it as a paperback. Read more about it here. (This is part of my Valentine’s Day bundle, too! See below for details!)

Games for Valentine’s Day

4. 2 Player Board Games

Looking for ways to spend more time together, but don’t know how? What about picking up a board game that’s really fun for just two players? I have a whole list of 2 player board games! Give him a card that says, “My favorite thing to do is to spend time with you.” One of the most popular recent games: Forbidden Island.

5. A Romantic–or Sexy!–Scavenger Hunt – FREE!

Here’s a fun one to do, though it requires a little more planning. Cut out ten paper hearts, and then write a reminder of a particularly romantic–or sexy!–time you’ve enjoyed together. Put the first heart somewhere he’ll easily find, like where he keeps his keys, or in his briefcase. Then put a clue to where the next heart is hidden. Tell him there are 10 (or 8, or 6, or whatever) hearts, and once he’s found all, he’ll find your gift!

So, for instance, you can put on the first heart, “I love what we did two nights ago! Remember what I was wearing on the first night that we went away for the weekend last summer? You’ll find the second heart there!” On that heart you could put, “Remember when we crawled into the backseat for some hanky panky two years ago? You’ll find another heart there!” And so on, and so on.

It’s always fun to remind him of special times you’ve spent together. My husband once sent me on a Valentine’s Day hunt all over our small town. It was so sweet!

6. Deck of Dares Printables – $6.99

Want to spice up your marriage? Here are 40 sexy dares that you can do together! Purchase the download, and then you can print them out to put in his stocking. Or you can dole them out one by one….”Wanna do this tonight?” Great to enhance any marriage TASTEFULLY without delving into anything gross. Check them out here! (Deck of Dares is part of my Valentine’s Day Bundle! See below for details!)

7. Dice

What’s sexy about dice, you ask? You can play the dice game! Assign a body part to each number, 1-6 (lips, neck, ears, breasts, etc. etc. Get as racy as you want). Then assign an action to each number, 1-6 (lick, suck, stroke, etc.). Then roll the dice, and do what it says!

You can also add another dice for the number of minutes (or the number of 30-second intervals, whatever you’d prefer).

Here’s how it works in a stocking. In a ziploc bag, put two (or three) dice of different colours. Then write out the Dice Game instructions on an index card and put some lipstick kisses around the card. Stick the card in the bag, and you’re all done!

8. Playing Cards for Strip Poker – $4.48

Put a deck of cards in a bag, and then write on the outside: How About a Game of Strip Poker? The greatest game where the loser doesn’t really lose.

Sexy Scents for Valentine’s Day

9. Sensual Massage Candle – $9.59

These are awesome! You light them, and then the candle melts. But the “wax” is actually a massage oil that won’t burn your skin. So you can pour it on him, or he could pour it on you, and you can massage it in.

10. Sensual Massage Oil – $14.49

I’m more a candle person, but massage oil can’t be beaten, either! Here’s a great massage oil from Body Shop with scents to help you feel frisky. Added benefit: we women often feel more in the mood if things are dragged out a bit. Show him that massaging you helps you relax and helps you focus.

11. Nautica Cologne for Men – $9.99

Who doesn’t like their man smelling a little sexy?

12. Kenneth Cole Black Cologne – $32.19

Is your man more discriminating? Here’s a classier cologne.

Sexy Things to Wear for Valentine’s Day

13. Sexy Red Thong – $3.99

What guy doesn’t want a sneak peak of what you may be wearing later, so he can imagine it? Even if you don’t like wearing thongs during the day, it can be fun to put one for a few minutes (chances are it won’t stay on long).

14. Heart Valentine’s Day Boxer Shorts – $18

They’re cute!

15. Sexy Apron – $29.95

Pin a note to it saying, “how about I whip you up something special, wearing just this.”

Valentine’s Day Gifts He’ll Always Appreciate

16. iTunes playlist – $10

Make a playlist of the songs that were popular when you started dating. If you can’t remember, google “20 top songs” and then the year you started dating, and you’ll find them! If he liked country, check out the country. If he liked rock, check out rock. Then download them, if they’re not already on iTunes, and send the playlist to him.

17. Amazon Gift Cards, Starbucks Gift Cards

Everybody loves gift cards! And you can get them in any denomination. If you’re doing the scavenger hunt idea, put a gift card and a love coupon in an envelope for him at the end of the hunt.

Sexy Getaway for His Stocking

18. Coupon for a Hotel Room

If you want something really special, how about booking a night in a hotel where you can get away? Or, alternatively, ask your parents or a friend to take the kids for a night so you can spend the evening at home together–alone.

Put the coupon in an envelope and write on the outside: “So excited to have you for a night all to myself!”

Combine the Ideas

Do a scavenger hunt, and then at the end have a gift card, or a coupon for a hotel, or some coupons for some of the ebooks in an envelope! Or have a pair of dice and a print out of the dice game. It doesn’t have to cost a lot, but if you put some thought into it, and show him that you’ve gone to some effort, too, you really say, “I love you!”

Exciting News!

I’ve created a Bundle of Products of some of the best–and sexiest–things in my store for just $10! You’ll get:

31 Days to Great Sex – A Couple’s Dare you do together
Deck of Dares – 40 super fun dares to ignite your sex life!
Rekindling Romance Toolkit – Printables for date nights, and more, to bring the romance back
The Sex Savvy Wife – New book from Hot, Holy and Humorous with LOADS of how-to tips on how to make sex great

Plus you’ll get:

Printable Dice Game
Love Coupons

And it’s just $10! That’s a savings of $11.96. But it’s only until Valentine’s Day!

Now it’s your turn! Let me know what you’re thinking makes a great Valentine’s Day gift. And if you’re a blogger, leave the URL of a marriage post in the linky below! I feature selected Wifey Wednesday posts on my Facebook page every week, so don’t miss out on the traffic!

The post Wifey Wednesday: Valentine’s Gifts For Your Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband
Wifey Wednesday: A Valentine’s Day He’ll Love

Top 10 Ways to Stay Motivated to Lose Weight

It’s Tuesday, so we’ve got another Top 10! And since it’s the last Tuesday in January, I thought I’d talk about how to stay motivated to lose weight. A lot of you probably made that resolution for this year a few weeks ago, and now it’s fallen by the wayside. But don’t worry–it’s not going to be one of those posts that makes you feel all bad about yourself. Quite the contrary! I want to write about how to keep the motivation to lose weight going.

And so I’d like to share a bit about what I’m going through, and what’s working for me.

On December 20 I had my last Diet Pepsi. I’ve been trying to quit for years, and I finally did it! And I also did a lot more baking for Christmas this year, because I was determined to get into the spirit of things.

So since December 10 I’ve gained 8 pounds.

That may not seem like a lot, but I’ve always thought of myself as “the thin one”. And so to see the scale start creeping up was quite humbling. I don’t want to get onto a downward spiral where I gain 10 or 15 pounds a year, because over a decade that really adds up!

But at the same time, I’m quite sure that most “losing weight” schemes don’t succeed because we’re just simply too hard on ourselves. We double down, grit our teeth, and determine that We Will Not Let This Defeat Us. We Will Conquer Our Bodies!

That sounds awfully depressing. First, it’s seeing your body as your enemy.

And I firmly believe that you can’t lose weight if you absolutely hate your body.

And second, it’s going so much on will power that I think you’ll have this boost at the beginning but it won’t be sustainable.

So here are some things that I’ve been thinking of to help with the lose weight/healthy living quest, that don’t make you have all kinds of self-control or visualize yourself as something “sexy” (as though you aren’t anymore!). And before you read them, remember the philosophy of Top 10 Tuesdays:

I’m throwing out ten ideas about something. Choose 1-3 that you think could really help you. Do 1 at a time. Write it on your fridge! But don’t feel like you have to do all ten. We’re all different, with different personalities and different lives. I’m giving a bunch of ideas, in the hopes that a few will be just what you need. Remember: Small changes, done consistently over a long period of time, add up to big changes!

Ready? Here we go:

10 Ways to Stay Motivated to Lose Weight


1. Wear Clothes That Fit that You Feel Good In

We’re supposed to lose weight, but I want you to find clothes that fit? That you feel good in?

Yep.

Here’s why: many of us are sure we won’t feel good in our bodies until we lose the weight. But once we’ve gained weight nothing really fits anymore. We don’t want to go out and buy clothes because that would be like giving in–like admitting that we’re not going to lose. And so we put on the yoga pants and the sweat pants and we feel horrible about ourselves but we feel like we deserve it.

No. You deserve to feel wonderful! God gave you your body and He judges the inside, not the outside. He loves you; you’re allowed to love yourself, too! And I’m convinced that women who love their bodies and that feel wonderful will have an easier time losing weight and exercising than those who try to punish themselves.

My jeans don’t fit comfortably anymore. I need to lose about 5 pounds to get into them. But I do have some cords that fit. The problem is they look kind of frumpy.

So I’ve been wearing dress pants around the house lately. They still fit! And there’s another bonus: When you “dress up”, even if it’s just trying to look good, you don’t feel like a schlump. And that means that you’re more likely to be productive and move faster, which makes you lose weight anyway.

2. Pamper Your Body

After a shower, rub lotion into your legs and other dry areas. Let your body feel good.

If you like perfume, spray a little on yourself in the morning. Accessorize. Put on some lipstick and a bit of makeup! Make the effort to take pride in your body AS IT IS. The more we treat our bodies well, the less ashamed we’ll be. And ashamed people rarely stay motivated to get healthy!

3. Pretend You’re at a Job (If You’re Not)

Why do we gain weight? Because we take in more calories than we use on a daily basis. Sure, there’s a little more to it than that, but in general, it’s that simple.

So if you want to get to a healthy weight, you need to use more calories.

For me, that means not just sitting around as much. Once you start to gain weight it isn’t just food that’s affected. It’s often your whole attitude about life. You want to sit more. You want to relax more. You want to do less.

I’ve decided to think of myself as at work, even when I’m at home. Things need to be done. Laundry needs to get on. Dinner needs to be made. My storage room needs to be cleaned out! There are always things to do, and if I see myself as purposeful, with a job to do, then that affects not just my calorie burning but also my whole outlook on life. I’m capable. I’m accomplishing something. And that’s important, because it’s that mindset that will help you get healthy.

4. Do Things Faster

One thing I’ve noticed lately is that I’m doing everything a bit more slowly. As we get increasingly out of shape, we tend to move slowly.

Look at children: ever notice how they’re always moving? Movement is natural! Our bodies were made to move.

So whenever you’re doing something, try to do it a little bit faster. Run down the stairs. Drying yourself off after a shower? Really rub that towel! Whipping an egg? Put some muscle into it! I don’t like exercise very much, but what I’ve realized is that if I do everything else in my life just a little bit faster, I can burn calories in my everyday life. And again–when I’m moving fast, I’m purposeful. That makes me feel better about myself, and it’s all part of getting back on the healthy train.

5. Stand More

Did you know that simply standing burns more calories than sitting?

I sit at work because I write. Often I’ll spend hours sitting everyday! So recently I set up a makeshift “standing desk” at the island in my kitchen. I put the timer on for 20 minutes, and I stand while typing for 20 minutes. Then I sit for 30 minutes. And so on, and so on. I also make myself drink a glass of water during that 20 minutes.

With this one small change, and doing nothing else, I lost two pounds in the first week.

Another benefit: I don’t slouch as much. I slouch horribly, and I get major back problems because of it. Even if I’m slouching when I’m standing, I’m slouching in a different way than when I’m sitting. Changing up the position during the day is so important. If you can find a way to do this at your job, too, try it!

6. Identify ONE big change you can make

When we want to lose weight we have a huge list of things we have to do: I have to exercise, cut out sugar, reduce my portion size, cut out salt and chips, totally change my diet. That’s a lot to do all at once. That’s a big jolt on your system, because your body craves certain foods. And if you try to do that all at once, you may not make it.

Instead, try focusing on ONE thing. Make that your main focus for 3 weeks (that’s the amount of time it takes a habit to form). Then, after that three weeks, add an additional thing.

Instead of trying to exercise and cut out sugar and cut your portion size and and and….Just do one.

I’m starting with cutting sugar, because that’s my big weakness. I’ll focus more on the others after I’ve mastered that one. But if we try it all at once we’ll often just get mad at ourselves for messing up. It’s too much.

Remember, this has to be a lifestyle change you can sustain in the long run, not a sprint to lose the weight.

7. Set a Reward

Do you have a goal? I do. I have a certain weight I want to be at my birthday in May. And I’ve decided to give myself a reward–something I would never normally do. If I reach that goal, I’m taking a week off of the computer and I’m just going to let myself knit! I had such fun doing that over the Christmas holidays, I think I need it again. But I’m such a workaholic I don’t let myself do that often. So that’s my reward! And I’m looking forward to it.

8. Stretch

Maybe exercise is hard for you, but try to stretch everyday. Why? It makes your body feel delicious. And the more delicious your body feels, the more you’ll be invigorated to treat it well!

9. Make Love

And we do need our bodies to feel delicious! So while you’re trying to lose the weight, keep making love to your husband. Make sex feel wonderful! Concentrate on learning how to make your body respond. Our bodies are our friends, not our enemies. If you think your body is your enemy, getting healthy will be so much harder, because will power alone can’t do it.

10. Focus on the Long Haul

This isn’t about getting into a bikini by a certain date. This isn’t about looking like you’re twenty again. This is just about staying healthy. If I gain 10 pounds a year, and keep that up, I’ve gained 100 pounds in a decade. Not good. If, on the other hand, I simply stop the weight gain I’m doing well. If I reverse it I’m doing even better.

So don’t do anything drastic! Think losing 2-4 pounds a month. That’s quite attainable if you simply make little lifestyle changes–like moving more around the house, or standing more.

And if 48 pounds over a year doesn’t seem like enough to you, think about it this way: if you were gaining 10 pounds a year, and you lose 48 pounds in a year, you’ve actually lost 58 pounds. That’s a big change!

I want to leave you with this great post by my friend Julie from Intimacy in Marriage, about how she’s come to peace with her body.

Don’t hate your body! Love what it is and what it can do. And then start making little healthy changes. That’s really all it’s about.

A number of small businesswomen who support this site provide products that help you in your quest to get healthier. Check out one of them here!

The post Top 10 Ways to Stay Motivated to Lose Weight appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
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Wifey Wednesday: Use It Or Lose It
Stay at Home Moms are Busy, Too

On What is Abuse, What is Not Abuse, and Why We Should Be Very Careful

On Monday I like to post reader questions and take a stab at answering them. Usually I post a question that came in by email or on my Facebook Page. Today I thought I’d do something different, and respond to some comments on some posts last week.

I suppose I’m a glutton for punishment, but last week’s two posts dealing with abuse drew so many comments and got me all riled up, and I thought something more needed to be said. I’m not sure I clarified well last week that I do believe abuse is real, and I’m not sure I was clear about what is abuse and what is not. I wrote that piece for a specific purpose–sometimes we use the word “abuse” too cavalierly. But the discussion veered from there in the comments, and I thought clarification was in order, especially since so many people were asking me about what abuse really is.

So I want today to talk about what is abuse, what is NOT abuse, and why we need to be very careful about labelling things as abusive. If we aren’t careful, then we’re not really taking abuse seriously.

Let me start with a story.

When my daughter Katie was 4, she and her sister had been bugging me all morning, being loud and fooling around and not listening to anything I said. I told them to clean up. They did not. I told them again. Rebecca did. Then Katie started messing it all up again. In anger I hauled Katie up by an arm and plunked her down on the floor, where she promptly fell and hurt herself. She burst into tears, I burst into tears, and we had a good hug. That’s the only time I remember really hurting one of my children (and it wasn’t that bad), but I felt terrible.

I was not an abusive mother, because that was not typical of our relationship. However, had I acted in exactly the same way, everyday of our lives, Katie would have been better off removed from our home. What I did was wrong. But it was not abusive, because it was not typical of our relationship, nor did it cause much harm. But if I did it everyday, even though it didn’t cause much harm, it still would be abusive.

The key in this case is two factors: first, the severity of the harm; and second, the overall context of the relationship.

I think much of what we call verbal and emotional abuse fits into this category. In some cases it rises to the level of abuse, and in some cases it does not. It depends on whether the behaviour is part of a larger pattern or not.

An abusive relationship is one in which the abused person spends much of their emotional energy trying to figure out how not to provoke the abuser.

They hide their true feelings and their true thoughts. They try to gauge the abuser’s mood. Their lives become characterized by fear. What makes the situation abusive is not just the behaviour, but the fact that the behaviour forms a pattern. And rarely is it only one behaviour; it is usually several. The spouse yells; the spouse is jealous; the spouse withholds affection unless you completely conform; the spouse goes behind your back and separates you from friends; the spouse demands an accounting of all of your actions. There are few behaviours which are automatically abusive in and of themselves (the exception being sexual abuse or beatings, which are always abusive), but the pattern of behaviour can constitute abuse. That’s why I don’t like the emphasis on “is what he did abusive?” Sometimes someone can be abusive without doing any one thing that’s particularly horrible. It’s a whole pattern where a spouse has to deny their feelings and placate the other, and be constantly told that they’re stupid and don’t know what they’re talking about.

Let’s take the spanking-with-a-belt example, because that’s something that all of us can easily understand.

Personally, I don’t spank. I never thought it was a very effective method of discipline, and we used other methods when the girls were young that worked fine. I know some people do spank, and I understand. Most western countries, though, make it illegal to spank with anything other than one’s hand, and I agree with that.

However, pretty much everyone I know of my generation and those generations before me was spanked with belts, and the vast majority of them turned out okay. To say that spanking with a belt is abusive, then, to me, also says that they would be better off if they had been removed from the home, and that’s not so.

Do I think it was right for them to spanked with a belt? No. Do I think it was abuse? Not necessarily. In many cases it would be, and I’d point people to the critiques of Debi and Michael Pearl’s books To Train Up a Child, and the children who have been killed using their methods of corporal punishment, as examples. But at the same time, I’m supremely uncomfortable saying it always is abuse.

Let’s flush this out a bit using two different examples.

In Family A, this spanking happens for the slightest infraction. It is often arbitrary; sometimes the children get whipped for something, and sometimes they can get away with it. The children are often punished for their feelings–they aren’t allowed to be sad, or angry, and anything other than happiness is considered a betrayal. Even if they’re not punished, they’re ignored if they don’t behave perfectly and put on a smile.  (This, by the way, is quite characteristic of some of the harsh discipline techniques advocated in some parts of Christianity. In To Train Up a Child, for instance, the Pearls actually advocate that if the child is not misbehaving, that you set up a situation to tempt the child, so that you can then spank them with a plumbing line and teach them.) The children thus spend their lives trying to cover up their emotions, and trying to mollify their parents to prevent a spanking or to avoid entrapment. Whenever they want something, they second guess themselves, wondering if this will invoke anger. They thus have a difficult time figuring out what they think about anything. Their whole emotional and psychological well-being is affected.

In Family B, the spanking with the belt follows a large infraction. The child knows it will be the punishment for the specific instance of disobedience. It’s rare; it really is only used when something huge is done. The rest of the time, the relationship tends to be a loving one, where the child is able to share true feelings.

In both cases the spanking with the belt is wrong; in only one case is it part of the pattern of abuse.

And that, to me, is the issue: when we debate whether or not something is abuse, we’re usually not talking about severe beatings or sexual abuse (at least I hope we all agree that these things are automatically abusive, and you must take steps to keep yourself and your children safe). We’re talking about the grey areas: the yelling, the lashing out, the sulking, the controlling, etc. We often ask, “is this behaviour abusive?”

I think it’s the wrong question. It’s not whether the behaviour is abusive; it’s whether or not it forms a pattern of an abusive relationship. The same behaviour, in two different contexts, could mean something quite different.

I think the problem with our language is that we don’t have a word for behaviour that is WRONG, but isn’t part of a pattern of an abusive relationship, and so we call everything that is dysfunctional “abusive” to stress the severity of it. There’s two problems with that:

If everything is abusive, then nothing is. It diminishes the seriousness of abuse.

And secondly, it can make it difficult to deal with problems that aren’t as serious because we’re labeling someone as evil. That’s never a good way to inspire change.

There is behaviour which is absolutely wrong: blowing up at your family; manipulating family members; trying to control family members; getting overly jealous; picking at family members. It is ALWAYS wrong to do these things. But it is not ALWAYS abuse. It really depends on the nature of the rest of the relationship.

Abuse is a term which should constitute the sum total of the relationship and its effects on your mental and physical health.

I think we need a better word to denounce things like temper tantrums and rages and picking, when it doesn’t cross the threshold of abuse. We need a way to condemn it, and say, “it is not right to speak this way or act this way with your wife/husband/kids”. Instead we seem to have only one word, and that word is “abuse”. But as soon as you tell someone they’re being abused, it’s like saying “you should leave.”

What if the rest of your relationship is pretty good? You don’t walk on eggshells all the time; you just have hard periods occasionally. So you don’t want to leave. Or you decide leaving isn’t worth it. You now feel like you can’t complain about the behaviour, because it’s either abuse or it’s fine. And that’s not true.

There’s that middle, where the whole relationship isn’t abusive but someone is still doing wrong.
We need a word, like “abuse”, to mean:

The pattern of the way you are being treated is so harmful to your physical and/or emotional well-being that you need to distance yourself from your abuser.

And then we also need a word that means:

The way you are being treated is wrong and is harmful, and you have the right to speak up against it and to try to change it.

We need both words, so that we are able to tell someone:

You do have permission to leave. It honestly is okay.

But then we are also able to tell someone:

It is natural and right that you are hurt, and we all need to take action to change the behaviour.

If we don’t have both words, then we don’t really have the tools to help families in crisis.

In one case we may blow things out of proportion, which doesn’t solve the problem; and in the other, we may not treat things seriously enough.

I wish we had both words. If we did, I think we’d get into fewer arguments like the one last week, and it would be easier for us to address problems in the home without escalating them.

I think the reaction to articles like these largely depends on your own cultural framework. In some Christian circles, where an interpretation of submission includes never speaking up for yourself, abuse likely is unreported and not taken seriously enough. In other Christian circles, like the one I’m in, as soon as someone says the word “abuse” we all run around like  we have to protect someone from Evil Incarnate. It’s taken too seriously. Depending on which culture you’re in, you’ll likely read this article, and the one last week, with very different conclusions, and those conclusions likely relate less to what I’ve said than to what you have seen around you. Please keep that in mind in the comments!

I’m not going to participate in the comments today because I really said all I need to say in last week’s posts and in today’s, and I’m busy with other projects. But feel free to leave a comment if you’d like!

The post On What is Abuse, What is Not Abuse, and Why We Should Be Very Careful appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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