Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 215

March 14, 2014

On Sin, Brokenness, and What We Should Do About It

On Sin, Judgmentalism of Christians, and Brokenness


Judgment.


That’s become a really dirty word in Christian circles lately.


A whole rash of books (like Jefferson Bethke’s great Jesus>Religion) have been published in the last few years stating that Christians are too judgmental, and this makes us irrelevant in the wider culture. But even worse, we’re hypocritical, because God judges all sins the same.


Frequently the sin that is brought up in these books is homosexuality: Fundamentalists rail loudly against homosexuality, these authors point out, but they ignore the gluttony in the pews. They rail against sexual sin, yet do nothing about gossip and pride. And as such, we turn ourselves into huge hypocrites and become the butt of jokes. A better way to approach our culture, say these authors, is to say that we are ALL sinners and ALL in need of grace.


I have noticed this preoccupation with homosexuality and shoddy doctrine myself. For instance, here’s an article about the new “Trail Life USA”, an alternative to the Boy Scouts, that is launching with tremendous fanfare. They want to return to traditional values, and I certainly support that. But in the article, one Trail Life leader said,


As Christians from a scriptural basis, we love all folks, but the Scripture is very clear that being homosexual is a sin…


No, BEING a homosexual is NOT a sin.

Participating in homosexual behaviour or entertaining lustful thoughts are sinful, as is ANY sexual activity outside of marriage. But simply BEING a homosexual is not a sin. God does not punish us for temptations but for our misdeeds. To say that being a homosexual is a sin is so hurtful to those who are trying to get right with God. We’re saying that “even if you do the right things, you will still be condemned because of your temptations.” That’s not Christian doctrine, and it is very unfortunate that in so many Christian circles we talk this way. Language matters, and we must be careful with how we portray Christ.


So I agree with 90% of what Jefferson Bethke and others in this line of thought write, because I have seen it, too.


But I worry sometimes that we’re leaving out something important, and that’s sin’s effects on people. And so I’d like to share today my train of thought when it comes to judgment and brokenness.


1. We Are All Equally Deserving of Death–All Sin Makes Us Guilty

I completely agree that any sin makes us deserving of death and deserving of judgment. James 2:10 says:


For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.


No matter what we have done, even if it is only “little” in our eyes, we are guilty of breaking the whole law.


There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. None of us can stand before God and say, “Well, at least I’m not as bad as THAT guy.” Christians shouldn’t be judgmental towards others, as if we are good and they are not. We are all guilty, and we all need Jesus.


2. Some Sins Contribute More to Brokenness

I once heard a very wise man say this:


The cost of lying is that you become a liar.


Sin changes us. The price that we pay is that we are no longer the same person. We are now identified with that sin. And here’s the rub: there are some sins that change us more than others. This is where I think some of the Christian authors today run the risk of trivializing the results of some sins. Yes, all sin makes us equally guilty before GOD, but some sins have more of an effect on US than other sins do.


1 Corinthians 6:18 says:


Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.


There is something about sexual sin that has a profound effect on us. I think it’s because sexuality and our ability to experience true intimacy with others and with God are so intimately connected. God created us with all kinds of chemical reactions and hormonal reactions to sex that would, in turn, bond us to our spouse. When those chemical reactions start to be paired with sexual activity that isn’t within marriage, we start literally “rewiring the brain” so that what becomes arousing is not intimacy with a spouse but anonymous encounters, pornography, or something else. And soon we lose the ability to experience true intimacy, let alone the fullness of sexuality that God designed us for.


This impacts not just our sexuality but also our relationships with others. When sexuality becomes disordered, it affects how we view other people and how we view ourselves.


We are all broken, but some brokenness is just harder to have healed, and sexual sin seems to have tentacles that worm their way into all kinds of areas of our lives.


Acting on homosexual impulses is not the only sin, of course, that does this. It is one of the most serious, in terms of its effects, but a porn and masturbation addiction can do pretty much the same thing, and is far more rampant.


My fear is that by saying so loudly, “we are all equally guilty,” we risk diminishing the seriousness of the effects of some sins.

Here’s how I would say it:


All sins make us equally guilty before God, but some sins create more brokenness. Those who have sinned in those ways are even more in need of the support, love, and accountability that a church can offer.


People who are broken don’t need our condemnation; of that the authors are perfectly correct. But let’s still remember that there is brokenness, and if we stop acknowledging that, then we also stop offering hope for healing.


3. Not All Sins are Judged Equally

I do believe that we are equally guilty before God, and equally deserving of judgment. Absolutely. However, I don’t see evidence in Scripture that we will be judged in the same way. On the contrary, there are plenty of stories in Scripture that show that some will be judged most harshly. Here’s Matthew 11:23-24:


And you, Capernaum, will you be lifted to the heavens? No, you will go down to Hades. For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Sodom, it would have remained to this day. 24 But I tell you that it will be more bearable for Sodom on the day of judgment than for you.


Those who reject Christ, when they have an amazing opportunity to accept Him, will be judged more harshly. Interestingly, they will even be judged more harshly than those who are best known for homosexual sins, showing again that God does not judge homosexuality as the worst sin at all.


Here’s another example that further illustrates what I’m saying about brokenness, from Luke 17:2:


It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.


God really doesn’t like it when people cause children, or young Christians, to stumble. Why? Quite often it’s in these moments that we cause real brokenness. Those who abuse children; those who introduce a young teen to pornography; those who divorce without good grounds and cause their kids to look elsewhere for their identity and for love and affection; these people need to be very wary on the day of judgment.


God cares about our brokenness. God knows that some things hurt and wound us deeply. Sin has horrible effects on us, and the only way to find true healing is through Christ. I do believe that we as Christians have been too quick to label certain things as horribly sinful, while also ignoring the sins that we ourselves practice. But please, in our efforts to right that wrong, let’s not forget about brokenness.


Brokenness is not God’s judgment on us; brokenness is simply the natural consequence of sin.

And brokenness is so sad, and so damaging, and often so intractable.


Brokenness should cause us to run to Jesus all the more, and if we as a church present the picture that God hates those who sin sexually, people are far less likely to achieve real healing. But if we also present a picture that all sin is equal and thus we are all equally broken, we also fail to give people a proper picture of what healing is.


We need both messages: we are all equally guilty, but some people desperately need major healing, and Jesus wants to give you that healing. That, I think, is the Christian approach to sin, and I hope that my attempt to flesh it out makes sense.





The post On Sin, Brokenness, and What We Should Do About It appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.



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Published on March 14, 2014 04:46

March 13, 2014

How Married Couples Can Help Single Moms

Today Latoya Edwards, homeschooling single mom and blogger, guest posts about how married couples can be a blessing to the single moms in their midst.


how married couples can help single moms I learned a lot about marriage when mine started to fall apart.

It’s strange how that happens sometimes. God uses our difficult situations to teach us important lessons.  I was blessed to have some very loving and supportive friends in my life during that hard time. I know that not everyone has that when going through a divorce.  People often ask me how they can best help/support single moms like me. Today I want to share four ways that married couples can be a blessing to single parents and those whose marriage may be in crisis.


1. Prayer

Prayer is one thing that you can never have too much of. There were many people praying for me as I walked the difficult path of divorce for 3.5 years. And there have been even more praying for me since.  If you know of a family that is in crisis or a single mom or dad pray for them. Pray for healing and restoration for all involved. Pray for peace in the home and comfort for the children.  If you have the chance to ask the family for specific prayer needs great! And don’t forget to pray about other ways to be a blessing.


2. Be a Mentor

One of the things that was sorely lacking in my marriage was a godly example of what a husband and wife were called to do. No one sat us down to walk us through the God required of each of us in our marriage. And no one was there to show us the godly way to resolve our issues.  If you know a newly married couple or a couple that is having some trouble consider mentoring them. Walk with them on the journey of marriage.


3. Continue to be a Source of Support

I can’t speak for single dads but as a single mom I need lots of help and support. There’s no man in my home or someone that is around on a consistent basis to be a role model for my boys.  There are things that I struggle with because I’m a woman and don’t truly understand all the inner workings of boyhood.  I have a friend that has adopted my little family. She and her husband pray for us regularly. They have us over for dinner and her husbands takes some time to pour into my boys spiritually.  There are no words that can express how much that blesses me.  Divorce is hard and the hard part isn’t over when the judge signs off on the final judgment.  Single parents need all the support we can get.


4. Be an Example

Invite a single mom and her children over for dinner. There are many reasons for this. You give her a night off of kitchen duty. You also have a chance to see if there are any needs that you can minister to. But another thing that is really important (and often overlooked) is that you have the opportunity to show the children in that family what  God intended a family to look like.


There are all those scary statistics about children (especially boys) raised by single moms.


Want to help with those numbers?

Be an example.
Give those children a chance to see a husband loving and supporting his wife and children.
Show them a wife serving her family joyfully.
Let them see children, who respect and obey their parents.

It makes a difference!

When my boys started asking me what a man was supposed to do, it was hard for me to answer. I couldn’t point them to their father at the time because he was not walking with God. But I was able to point to my friend’s husband and say, “You see how hard Mr. X works? He is providing for his family and he always makes sure to do fun stuff with his children even when he is tired.”


There are many other ways to for married couples to be a blessing to single parents. What would you add to the list?



Latoya EdwardsLaToya Edwards is a single, homeschooling mama of two boys. She writes about her journey as a single parent, homeschooler, special needs parent and more at  www.LaToyaEdwards.net.




The post How Married Couples Can Help Single Moms appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.



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Reader Question of the Week: How do We Support Struggling Couples?

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Published on March 13, 2014 04:00

March 12, 2014

Wifey Wednesday: North American Marriage vs. African Marriage

Christian Marriage Advice


I’m so excited about today’s Wifey Wednesday! I’ve been to Kenya three times before, and I just fell in love with the country. And one of my frequent Wifey Wednesday link up contributors, Ngina Otiende from Intentional Today, who is active in the comments and has an awesome marriage blog herself, is from Kenya. I wrote her a while ago and said, “I would love to write a post on the difference between African marriage and North American marriage, and what we can learn from each other, but I don’t feel like I’m qualified. So can you?” And she said yes!


Here’s Ngina:


African Marriage vs. North American Marriage: What we can learn from each otherMy husband and I moved to the United States two and a half years ago. We arrived early in the evening and I remember looking out of the plane and beholding a strange sight. Although it was past 8pm, the sun was still shining! Where we’d just come from – Kenya, Africa – the sun sets at 6.30 pm.


We’d soon discover that the sun setting at later time than we were used to was just one of the many fascinating changes we’d experience in our new life in North America. (after a 23 hour flight, disturbing turbulence, severe food poisoning, cramped seating,  we thought we’d experienced it all!)


Different life

It’s been two and half years and we have settled to life in North America–as far as possible anyway! Life in America is very different from life in Africa. From the weather, the food, the culture, the hectic pace of life, sometimes we feel like we moved to another planet, not across the oceans!


I am a marriage enthusiast and one of the things I wanted to find out was how different marriages are in America. I had come to America without high expectations, unfortunately. We’d heard stories about American lifestyle and culture and just before we left were inundated with counsel and warnings “take care of one another, stay committed and fight for your marriage because America will want to tear you apart”.


While  there’s been some truth in some of the warnings, we’ve also discovered a lot more we didn’t know existed. For example, and just to give you an idea, think about all the things you’ve heard about Africa. Then imagine going there someday and discovering most of the stuff you heard was either half truth or lies. And the rest of the “bad” is eclipsed by all the good you never heard about.  That’s been our discovery as far as marriages (and other areas) are concerned. We’ve enjoyed discovering all the great North American marriage habits and using the things we were told would drive us apart to knit us together.


So here are some of the differences between marriage in Africa and marriage in North America that I have observed. (Please note my views are based on two and a half years of stay!)


Marriage in Africa vs. Marriage in America


Differences: What I think America does better than Africa in marriage
America values Team work.

I come from a very traditional society where the roles of men and women are as different as night and day; very well defined. But here in America, these lines are a little blurred. Both husband and wife dive in to chores and responsibilities and do what needs to be done to keep the family moving forward. A dad can stay at home with the kids while his wife works. Men don’t recoil (at least not too much) at certain ‘wifey things” like cooking, cleaning, taking care of babies e.t.c. Overall, I think the lifestyle demands are very different as well. And hiring that extra pair of hand is not cheap! Unlike Africa where anyone can afford to hire domestic help. So I love how the hectic “First World Life” forces couples to work together as teams!


America has Expressive Marriages!

Africans are the warmest people you’ll ever meet but we are not very expressive in our  emotions!  Most North Americans are, and it’s been fun living in such an effusive and affectionate culture.


America has God-centered marriages

If Hollywood and the media is to be believed, most couples in North America are either divorcing or on the brink of divorce. Or living together out of wedlock. Or fighting to redefine marriage. That’s the picture Hollywood beams to the rest of the world. It’s been wonderful to discover many many happily married couples! And not just happily married but vocal advocates of the same! Marriage ministry is still at infancy in Africa and I enjoy connecting and learning from all the resources and people here. In fact, that’s how I discovered Sheila’s blog years ago. I had (and still have) great real-life mentors but at that point needed some deeper insights in a particular area of struggle as a young wife.


America Values Women

I love how the law treats everyone equally in North America. And not just the law, but society in general. Everyone is equal and that equality protects women and the vulnerable. For example a man can’t stop taking care of his children because he  separated from the wife. You can’t make a girl pregnant and leave her to take care of the baby alone. Maybe you can, but you don’t have the law  – and it’s enforcers  – on your side! And boy do they enforce the law here!


I like how everyone is held responsible for their actions. That kind of equality protects the vulnerable.


That’s my current four thoughts on marriages and family life in America.

African Marriage and American Marriage: a Contrast
Now here’s where I think Marriage in Africa is Better


Africa has Strong community ties

In Africa most people experience life as a community. Friends and family drop into each other’s homes any and all times. No planning or warning necessary – just dropping in and hanging out for no reason whatsoever. In America I see most people have to plan for things like that. You just don’t show up in someone’s house uninvited! Every second of life seems to be allocated for something important and there’s no margin to hang out, “doing nothing”!


It’s one of the things I miss the most about home – the the strength and depth that comes from doing life as a community, instead of solo/couple-only experience. You learn so much from one another. You grow. Obviously healthy independence is good because it forces couples to grow up and come to their own without crutches. But fierce independence  – something many Americans believe in – can have negative effects on a marriage because we are not meant do life alone.

Africa has Deeper Appreciation for Good Values

The wind of change is blowing across the world and in Africa has not been left behind. The culture is changing, societies are changing. But there’s still some really good old-fashioned traditions and values in Africa. For example men are still regarded as the head of the homes..and that respect and honor has got nothing to do with their perfect performance! Submission or staying at home to raise your kids is not a “controversial” subject. Generally good values are not seen as weaknesses  or hindrances, but appreciated for what they are.


Africans are More Teachable

Generally Africans are less-wound-up, a little more willing to use wisdom from yesteryears. (In other words they are more teachable compared to North Americans :) )This open heart makes for easier relationships and helps when it comes to sharing wisdom in marriage.


Africans Know how to Do More with Less

I used to think that an easier life ought to translate to stronger marriages – less to worry about and more to be grateful for. But after living in North America for two and half years and observing the state of some of marriages, I’ve come to believe that comfort and ease can make drifting in marriage easier. Not harder. So while I used to belly-ache about many of our “developing continent” pains and challenges, I am a little more grateful now. Because hardships tend to grow and deepen people. Challenges force you to hold tightly to gifts and miracles when they show up (e.g having a spouse).  Most African’s don’t have many of the resources and support and margin that most developed nations have. But they’ve learned to thrive and grow with what they have.


Now here’s  3 things that both America and Africa can do better in marriage!
1. Understand the importance of strong marriages for a strong society 

We might have different challenges but I think we have the same human condition – we like to major on the minor things and minor on the major things. We continually under estimate the importance of a strong marriage as  the foundation for everything else in life. We put our marriages last in our list of priorities. And then get suprised when our marriages reflect that last position!


2. Kick out popular culture from our marriages

Traditions or culture will never give us a a good marriage. Only God can! We need to start pursuing God and His blueprint for marriage and stop pursuing what society  – even ourselves!  – think we should pursue.


3. Mentor and support other marriages

Even though I come from a culture where people are more willing to receive and be taught, we still have ways to go as far as mentoring in marriage is concerned. And we have the same problem here in North America, more mature couples hesitating to open up to younger (or other) couples. Opening up our lives to others is not easy, obviously. But often our fears are not based on truth. We think other couples are looking for perfection, but they are not. They are looking for other imperfect couples who’ve learned to make marriage work, even in imperfection.


As I grow and continue to adjust to life in North America, I have to keep remembering that Christ is the foundation of my marriage. He is the standard! Diversity and cultures are to be enjoyed and celebrated but everything starts and ends at the foot of the Cross!



Ngina
Ngina Otiende inspires and equips early-wed wives to build intentional happily-ever-afters, over at IntentionalToday.com. Pick up a free copy of her Ebook when you subscribe to her blog. You can also connect on Pinterest or Facebook.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Put the URL of a marriage post into today’s Linky below! And I choose at least two posts to highlight on my Facebook Page each week–I try to choose blogs I haven’t highlighted before. So link up to get more readership, and join our marriage party!







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Published on March 12, 2014 04:03

March 11, 2014

10 Ways to Help Your Husband Stay Healthy

Help Your Husband Lose Weight


Today’s guest post is from personal trainer Jenni Kenyon.


Getting fit and staying healthy are often pushed to the wayside when life gets busy. It’s not unheard of for newlyweds to put on a few pounds or for couples to gain weight as they have kids and grow older. However, there’s no getting around the fact that maintaining a healthy weight is critical when it comes to preventing health issues later in life.


Top Ten TuesdayAlthough we don’t love our husbands for their bodies, there’s no shame in admitting that it’s nice when they take care of them. I’m sure that they would say the same about us wives! So here are ten tips to help motivate your significant other to start getting fit.



Remember our Top 10 Tuesday philosophy: We throw out a bunch of ideas, and from that smorgasbord you choose 1-3 to actually DO. Don’t try to do all at once; it won’t work. Pick the 1-3 ideas that resonate the most with you, and decide to embrace them wholeheartedly this week!



 1. Pray for him

 Obviously, Jesus can do much more to motivate your husband than you can. The power of prayer is much stronger than anything you can ever do or say.


 Pray that your husband will realize the importance of taking care of himself, that by staying fit he’ll be able to better care for his family and serve God’s kingdom. Intrinsic motivation like this lasts longer than the “I want to look good” type of motivation and is centered on pursuing a life he desires. God gave us one body to serve him through, so it’s important to care for it appropriately.


 2. Be an example

 If you are overweight as well, it does no good to order your husband to start working out while you sit back with the kids. If you’re trying to lose weight, be a good example to him. Show him that it isn’t that hard or depriving. Cook healthful meals, work out on a regular basis and form habits that last for the long term. Whatever you do, take care of your body. Weight loss from quick diets statistically doesn’t last because you don’t learn how to live a lifestyle at your new weight.


 Have a conversation with your husband about why you choose to be fit and healthy. Never tell him he’s fat, say that you are concerned about his health. Talk about what you can do or enjoy as a fit person. Be honest and open with him about your desire to lose weight and perhaps it’ll inspire him as well.


 3. Encourage him

 Even if your husband isn’t pursuing a healthful lifestyle right now, you should still encourage him every day in any matter. Make him feel like he’s the protector and man of the house. Tell him how much you appreciate what he does, who he is, and how happy you are God has matched you up together.


 It’s hard to motivate yourself to be fit or exercise if you are depressed or down. Boost his confidence when he comes home from work, make him feel good about himself and he’ll be much more likely to choose exercise instead of zoning out on the couch.


 4. Talk about the future

 It’s scary when your parents get old, especially if they didn’t take good care of themselves when they were younger. It’s probable that there’s someone with heart disease, diabetes, hypertension or some other type of ailment caused by excess weight in your family. There’s plenty of other diseases or conditions that could be relieved with exercise too, including osteoporosis, high cholesterol, or cancer.


 If you’re worried about following in the same footsteps as someone in your family, talk about it. Tell your husband that you exercise so you can play with your grandkids. Ask him if he wants to start getting healthier and listen to him, his reasons, and his experience. Your husband most likely had a lot of life before you came around, so perhaps you don’t know about his grueling wrestling practices as a kid or other bad experiences with working out.


 5. Schedule a checkup

 How long has it been since he’s been to the doctor? Getting a blood workup and a physical isn’t a bad idea if it’s been a while. In fact, some doctors recommend it every year. If your husband is as stubborn as mine, you’ll know that he may not listen to you, but a doctor can be hard to ignore.


 6. Find a hobby together

 Did you and your husband have an active hobby together before the kids came along? Perhaps you should try to resurrect it! Finding time can be hard, so volunteer to trade off babysitting with a friend once a week so you and your husband can get back to salsa dancing, hiking, or golfing together. Join an adult soccer league or start a church softball games. There’s nothing like a competitive sport to help your husband realize that he needs to start exercising more often in order to perform like he used to!


 7. Bake fewer cookies

 The kids might like cookies when they get home from school, but your husband doesn’t need the temptation. Start serving the children healthier snacks like apples and peanut butter, cheese and crackers or healthier baked goods so there isn’t an abundance of dessert lying around. It’s an easy way to help him lose weight. He might not even notice that he’s eating less!


 I will make a note here to say that food policing doesn’t work and can become a point of contention. Just keep less sugary treats around the house instead of telling him what he can and cannot have. Keep the fridge well stocked with ready to eat to produce like cherry tomatoes, sliced cucumber, diced pineapple or honeydew as snacks to replace the sweet stuff.


 8. Sneak in more veggies

 This approach is a little more sly, but just as effective as decreasing the amount of treats in the house. Vegetables have a lot of fiber and necessary vitamins and nutrients. They’re also very satiating when added to meals, which is why weight loss is so successful with them. If you aren’t a vegetable lover, start experimenting with them! It’s usually a mind-set issue when it really comes down to it. They can taste good, but you need to figure out how to cook them


 There’s plenty of online recipes that use grated or blended vegetables in cooking or baking. Start making more stir-fry’s or fajitas, use blended cauliflower in mac-n-cheese to decrease the fat and calories, and add chopped bell peppers to enchiladas to boost fiber and satiety. I promise that you won’t sacrifice flavor by using this approach to cut calories of your meals as long as you do a little searching on the internet.


 9. Hide the snacks

 Studies have shown that when food is out of sight, you are less likely to feel hunger or a desire to have it. Start by taking all the unhealthy chips, cookies, and crackers off the countertops and storing them in the pantry. If they’re already in the pantry or cupboards, rearrange so they aren’t front and center, so that it takes a bit of looking to find the not so healthy options.


 If your husband specifically requests snack type food that you know are really bad for him – think chips, most crackers, twinkles etc, perhaps you should discuss the food budget. I’m serious- those packaged types of food cost a lot more than basic veggies, fruits, canned goods, milk, meats, and carbs like pasta, rice or bread. You might have to give up a few things too, but in the name of good financial stewardship and physical stewardship of your body, it’s probably worth it. You don’t have to throw out every single high calorie snack in your cupboard, but only storing a few (less than three) is better than not taking any action.


 10. Plan more active activities

 Start planning more active outings with the family. Go sledding with the kids or practice soccer with them at the local soccer field. If you and your husband go on date nights, ask if you can take tennis lessons, a bike ride or kayak together. If that much activity is too far of a jump right now, start with walks. If it’s beautiful outside, ask your husband to go on a walk with you. Fresh air is rejuvenating and can do a lot to decrease stress, so a short walk to enjoy the evening might be just the thing to kickstart the desire to move.


 Ultimately, it’s not your responsibility to get your husband to lose weight. You can’t badger and guilt trip him in to it because that won’t work in the long run. He needs to know that he is loved at any size (just like you need to know that) and that you support him. It may take a long time for him to realize that he needs to get healthy, and once that happens you need to support him through it.



headshot-FitzalaJenni is an NASM certified personal trainer and loves helping women find balance in health and exercise. She and her husband live in Central Washington and spend as much time as possible outdoors. Find her on her blog, Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.



 




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Related posts:
Top 10 Ways to Stay Motivated to Lose Weight
Reader Question of the Week: Healthy Tug-O-War
Wifey Wednesday: 25 Quick Ways to Show Your Husband Love

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Published on March 11, 2014 05:48

March 10, 2014

Reader Question: How Do You Maintain a Good Sex Life with Herpes?

Reader Question of the Week


Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and give my thoughts on how to deal with it. Today I’m answering a really tough one: What do you do if your husband has herpes (or another contractible STD)? A reader writes:


Can I ask your advice on how to minister to a friend of mine and her husband? They have been married for a few years now. Just a week before their wedding she found out he has herpes – and apparently has severe outbreaks from them. My friend Becca has a health condition that could severely be impacted by contracting HSV.


Can you give me some guidance to help them, specifically her… there are so many facets from the original betrayal of not knowing in enough time to think clearly before the wedding, the actual breakouts being SO severe, they cover him from thighs to mid stomach including genitals, and the loss of physical intimacy is damaging her self esteem.


Thanks for any prayers and words you could share.


This is probably one of the hardest Reader Questions I’ve ever had. My heart just breaks. This is one of the reasons God wants us to wait for marriage to have sex! Sex before marriage seems so enticing, but it can wreak such havoc with the rest of your life.


I don’t have an easy answer to this question, and so I’m just going to put up a few thoughts.


Husband Has Herpes


1. If Your Husband Has Herpes, Get Medical Help–and Keep Asking

For those of you who don’t understand what the issue is, the herpes virus, HSV (and there are two kinds of the virus), doesn’t ever go away. It stays in your system. Often you have no symptoms whatsoever, but every now and then you’ll have an outbreak with blisters, often accompanied by pain and fatigue in your muscles. The blisters may be just on your genitals or they may spread further.


There is medication to suppress the virus, which helps. But the problem is that you can contract the virus even if you’re not symptomatic–though it’s not as common. So making love poses a risk to the non-infected spouse. And when you do want children, there are added complications, because a woman with the virus risks passing it on to her kids. At one point they automatically did C-sections for women with the virus; now most deliver vaginally.


The outbreaks also often diminish over time. Couples often find that while the outbreaks were bad initially, after a decade or two they really are almost unnoticeable. And some people aren’t even symptomatic.


The key thing is to talk to your doctor. Find out what medications you can take. Talk frankly about sexual options–what is safe to do? What is not safe to do? Will a condom fully protect me? What do we do when we want to get pregnant? If we’re not symptomatic and there are no outbreaks, is sex safe?


I don’t want to answer those questions because I’m not a doctor, but things change really quickly, and they’re always developing new medicines, so keep asking. And even look for trials for new medications, because you never know!


2. You Simply Must Forgive Him

Here’s the really hard part. At some point you have to let it go.


This ironically can be even harder to let go of than an affair that happened during marriage, because as time goes on, the reality of what you’re dealing with sets in. With an affair, it gets further and further into the background. This is always there.


And there’s a danger that you’ll start saying to yourself:


My life would be easier if I didn’t have him. If I hadn’t have married him I wouldn’t be dealing with all of these problems.


It’s understandable. And in this woman’s case, it sounds like she has other health issues which would be severely compromised if she contracted the virus herself. So every day that you live with it often gets more and more difficult.


You have to fight. Take every thought captive! When you start feeling resentment, take that resentment and give it back to God. Say to God, “Thank you for my husband. Thank you for what we do share. Thank you that you will carry us through this.”


Yes, you have a lot to deal with, but many couples have things to deal with. Life isn’t smooth for everybody else, either. You have a problem which is really obvious, but if you both rely on God, you can get through it. It will be a challenge. Sex will be harder for you than it will be for most people. But if you can remember that you are on the same team, you will be so much further ahead.


And here’s where I’m going to say something that is going to sound mean.


You married him as he is.


In this case, he should have told his wife earlier. The pressure to go on with the wedding must have been intense! But I get so many emails from women detailing all sorts of things that are wrong with their husbands, and yet in most of these emails, the roots of the problem were visible before the marriage.


If you knew this about your husband before you were married, and you married him anyway, you don’t really have the right to be mad at him for it now.


I know that sounds harsh. I know I don’t fully understand what you’re going through. But it’s still true. The vow matters, and you made a vow to that man, as he is. You can’t second guess that vow now.


3. You are not Being Punished by God

My mother said something interesting to me recently. She was reflecting on some of the things that she doesn’t particularly like about her life, and she realized that a decade or two ago she would have assumed that God was punishing her. Those things that she doesn’t like were God’s punishment.


Now she has a different perspective. God isn’t punishing her, but what she’s going through is a natural consequence of choices that she made. You reap what you sow.


When you go through something like this it’s easy to think, “God is punishing my husband, and now my husband is punishing me, too!” And then we think God is angry, and it all gets into a huge mess in our minds.


But God isn’t necessarily punishing anybody. STDs are natural consequences of sleeping around before you’re married. Don’t think of it as God being angry; think of it as just you are now living with consequences.


If you see it that way, it’s easier to throw yourself at the throne of God and say something like this:


God, we are going through something that is so hard. We don’t know how to do this. We want to love each other but we can’t even make love the way we want to. We’re worried about the future. We feel distant. God, we need you to fight for us. You promised that you would heal our infirmities and carry our sorrows, and we need you to do that. We need hope. Give us a glimpse of your grace, and help us to see that we are on the same team, together, and that you are there to carry us.


I believe that it is often in these really hard challenges that God shows up the most. But it takes us first being honest and humble. It takes us first realizing, “I did vow. I did commit. I did marry him just as he is, and I have to accept that.” And it takes him saying, “I did do something that has hurt us both, and I’m sorry.” We need to be honest about our past choices and we need to own those past choices. When we are honest ourselves, we are laid bare. And when we are laid bare, God can work. When we carry anger and bitterness and blame then God doesn’t do very much. But when we’re broken, He often transforms.


So, please, keep banging on the door of your doctor and getting good advice and following up with treatment options.


But then, also, you simply must let it go. You must forgive your husband, and you must come to terms with the fact that you made the commitment to him AS HE IS. Then both of you, together, throw yourself on God’s mercy and ask Him to build something beautiful out of your marriage. I do believe that God can do that, and it is often in the things that seem the most broken that God does His most beautiful work.




The post Reader Question: How Do You Maintain a Good Sex Life with Herpes? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.


Related posts:
Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Doesn’t Want to Use Birth Control
Reader Question: Is it Okay to Schedule Sex?
Reader Question of the Week: Can Things Get Better?

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Published on March 10, 2014 04:06

March 7, 2014

A New Chapter–And My Last Column

Sheila Knitting


Today is my last Reality Check column that I’m writing for newspapers.


I’ve been doing this for 11 1/2 years, but after a lot of prayer and thought I notified the papers that this would be my last week.


I’m just finding that my other writing responsibilities are expanding so fast, and a weekly deadline is a stress that is getting too hard to manage.


Another Reality Check cover 175I’m not going to stop writing, though, and I’m actually excited about what this opens up on the blog. On Fridays I’d like to start writing more contemplative/commentary pieces, rather than advice pieces. Just posts about what I’m thinking, or what God’s telling me, or what ticks me off in the news right now (sometimes we all need posts like that!). I guess basically the same sort of thing I wrote my columns about, except that I can be explicitly Christian if I want to be, and I don’t have to aim for just 600 words.


Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:


Playing with Fire (do we treat adultery too cavalierly?) I’d love to run more where I’m just thinking out loud about current issues!


So I’m not going anywhere–I’m just not going to be in the paper anymore. I’m so glad that God gave me that opportunity to write in a bunch of local papers, but it has come time to move on.


In the meantime, if you’ve liked my columns, I do have a book with my absolute favourite ones since 2005 right here. You can also get the .pdf for just $2.99 (it’s on sale this week!)


Here’s my column:



The only constant in life is change. Some seasons of life, though, rush changes through even more than others, and I’m in the midst of one of those seasons. One daughter has left home; one is learning to drive. I have two book contracts due this year. And perimenopause is causing my hemoglobin levels to plummet faster than Rob Ford’s reputation. Call me unimpressed.


When I started writing this column my children were five and seven. We were just beginning our homeschooling journey. Today instead of my days being consumed with teaching math and reading great books out loud, I’m writing blog posts and planning speaking tours and trying to find time to write more books.


And so it is that after eleven and a half years, and six hundred columns, I’ve decided to concentrate on other things. My blog is taking so much of my attention that I find deadlines a little more intimidating than I did when the biggest thing on my plate was finishing a Science lesson with my daughters.


I type this with a heavy heart, because I have so enjoyed having this outlet for my thoughts. Whenever I felt ticked about something, I would always think, “I can write a column about that!” And I’d start planning it–while driving, while in the shower, while making dinner. It was wonderful to know that I’d be able to put my thoughts down on paper.


Being a local columnist was such a treat, too. I couldn’t go to the grocery store, or take my kids to swimming, or walk into church without someone mentioning last week’s column. People read what I wrote, and for that I am very humbled and very grateful.


I still have issues which I wish I could have explored more, or at least lended a little more eloquence. I am dreadfully worried about the institution of marriage, because I do think that it’s the bedrock of healthy children, healthy families, and a healthy society.


I am constantly frustrated by our entitlement culture, and by the way the government bends over backwards for those who have messed up, while leaving those who have done nothing wrong flailing. And I can’t think of a better example of government’s failing than with the foster care system. We give biological parents chance after chance, letting them collect welfare money, methadone treatments, and many other government programs, while their kids languish in care. Too few are adopted out, because parents are given “second chances”. And by the time the kids are taken away for good, they’re so scarred that adopting them is difficult. Why do parents get second chances while kids don’t even get first chances?


We will never have a healthy society until people bear the consequences of their actions. We are fostering too much irresponsibility, and not enough maturity and independence. And it scares me.


And so there is still much to say, and much work to do. I will just be doing it a different way. I’m in the middle of writing a book for Simon & Schuster called 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage. My blog, To Love, Honor and Vacuum (tolovehonorandvacuum.com), had 600,000 visits last month, and it’s growing all the time. I share my parenting and marriage thoughts there, and I do hope you will join me.


Most of all, though, I hope that over the last eleven and a half years I have written something that has made you love your family more, smile at strangers more, or consider faith again. If I have done that, then I will be happy indeed.




The post A New Chapter–And My Last Column appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.


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My Three Gifts of Christmas, Syndicated Column, and More!
Bloggers are People, Too

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Published on March 07, 2014 06:13

March 6, 2014

What Forgiveness Is–And What Forgiveness Isn’t

Today guest poster Angi Schneider tells her story about forgiveness–what it means and what it doesn’t mean. 


What Forgiveness Is: And what it isn't!One of the hardest things to do is to ask for forgiveness.  It’s easy to say “sorry”… but forgiveness, well, that’s something else entirely.


Neither my husband nor I grew up in homes where forgiveness was asked for or granted.  We really didn’t know what forgiveness is. In my home, we’d have a knock down, drag out fight (literally) and when it was over we’d either say “sorry” or just walk away. Then, we’d carry on with our lives like nothing ever happened.  Not the healthiest of situations.  (In my parent’s defense, they did not know Christ, and my Mom grew up in an orphanage which doesn’t lend itself to good parenting training.)


When I became a christian as a young adult, I became intrigued with this idea of forgiveness.  You see, when I asked for forgiveness from Christ, I not only received forgiveness but I also received peace. Peace was something that just saying “sorry” never gave me… and neither did acting like nothing ever happened.


When our oldest son was a preschooler and would need to apologize to someone, we were amazed at the number of times people would say, “It’s okay.”


Hmmmm, if it were “okay” he wouldn’t need to apologize.


And so we began a quest to instill Biblical forgiveness in our home. And let me tell you, it’s hard. It’s humbling. And it’s so worth it.


“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3:12-13


Saying “sorry” is not the same as asking for forgiveness.

“Sorry” can mean a lot of different things.  It can mean, “Will you please forgive me?” but it can also mean, “I’m sorry I got caught” or “I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt” or as one of my son’s said one time, “I’m sorry you made me so mad I had to hit you.”


Forgiveness starts with repentance. And repentance starts with a realization of wrong doing.  When I realize that I have mistreated someone, I have a choice to make. I can either pretend that nothing really happened or I can repent and apologize for what I have done.  In our family, it starts something like this:  “Husband (or children), I am really sorry I got frustrated (angry, short, etc.) with you.  I was not being kind (gentle, patient, compassionate, etc.) to you, the way God wants me to be.”  


We need to ask to be forgiven. Of course, forgiveness can be granted without the offender asking for it.  But, how will I know forgiveness has been granted?  How will I receive the peace that comes from knowing that I’ve been forgiven, if I don’t ask?  In our family, we say, “Will you please forgive me?”


We need to grant forgiveness when asked. I know, I know, sometimes you just don’t want to forgive… neither do I… some people just don’t deserve forgiveness.  BUT, I didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness and He granted it.  I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is important – and it brings peace.  For our family, the person who was wronged says something like, “I forgive you because Christ has forgiven me.”


For some of you, this may sound forced and insincere.  Let me assure you that it’s not.  Some of us who didn’t learn about giving and receiving forgiveness from our families need a little structure.


What forgiveness doesn’t mean.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what was done was okay – if it were, you wouldn’t need to ask for forgiveness.


Forgiveness doesn’t mean that there are no consequences to the sin.  There are always consequences to sin and sometimes receiving forgiveness does not take those consequences away.


Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the relationship will be just like it was.  Hopefully, the relationship will be better and healthier but that’s because both parties are working on it.


Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re a wimp.  On the contrary, it takes a strong person to do something as hard as granting, or seeking forgiveness.


We live in a culture that really doesn’t understand or practice forgiveness, even in the church.  Yet, forgiveness is vitally important in order to have healthy relationships.


 


DSCI1845-001


Angi Schneider is minister’s wife and homeschooling mom to 6 children.  She journals their homesteading and homeschooling adventures on her blog, SchneiderPeeps.  Angi is also the author of The Gardening Notebook which she wrote to help gardeners keep track of all their gardening information and dreams and The Busy Mom’s Guide ebook series to help other women discover their uniqueness, instead of continually comparing themselves to others –in real life and online.




The post What Forgiveness Is–And What Forgiveness Isn’t appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.


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On Life, Love, Forgiveness, and Bees

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Published on March 06, 2014 04:00

March 5, 2014

Wifey Wednesday: Sexual Options Besides Intercourse

Christian Marriage Advice


It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! Today please welcome Julie Sibert from Intimacy in Marriage, who is sharing about creative options for alternatives to sexual intercourse, when necessary.


Being a writer and speaker about sex in marriage, I’m obviously a big fan of the one-flesh aspect of intercourse.


God clearly designed a husband’s body and a wife’s body to unite together in the intimate experience of intercourse.  Though it’s not always easy to first figure out the coordination and rhythm needed to make love, nearly all married couples master it within a relatively short period of time.


But what about when intercourse is not an option, either because of medical reasons or other limiting factors?  (The most obvious one for a woman would be the latter stages of pregnancy when sex may be uncomfortable or for the 6-8 weeks after childbirth.  There also may be other medical conditions or injuries for a husband or wife that are not completely debilitating, but still make actual intercourse difficult).


And even when those limiting factors aren’t present, is there value in a husband and wife enjoying sexual pleasure together that doesn’t always include intercourse?  Yes!


Beyond Sexual Intercourse


When you learn to embrace and nurture sexual arousal that is not limited to intercourse alone, the positive effects on your marriage can be profound – endearing you to each other in a way that you never would have considered otherwise.


Keep in mind, I’m not talking about completely replacing intercourse.  Not at all. I’m merely saying that a husband and wife’s ability to bring each other sexual delight is a powerful privilege that simply can’t be narrowed to intercourse only.


Here are 3 suggestions for sexual pleasure beyond intercourse:
1. Use your hands.

Touch is amazing. Sadly, I think too many couples downplay or short-circuit the extent they can use their hands to bless and affirm their spouse.


Too often, sex becomes overly focused on the penis and vagina, and the couple overlooks other areas of the body that are quite responsive to touch.


When you are naked with your spouse, don’t be in a hurry to get to intercourse.  (In fact, consider taking your time getting naked, possibly undressing each other sensually).


When you start caressing with your hands and fingertips, consider all parts of the body.


Some areas where sexual arousal can be enhanced through touch include the hair, scalp, face, neck, ears, arms, under the arm, sides of the chest, inner thigh, around the knees, back of knee, navel and virtually anywhere on your spouse’s backside.


As a wife, it may be extremely arousing (for you and him) when your husband lightly caresses your breasts and nipples. And for a man, he may find it incredibly exciting to have you caress his inner thighs and testicles.


Use a mix of light and firm touches, with smooth transitions.  Don’t overthink it. You will do just fine if you just consider yourself on a sweet tender mission to explore every part of your spouse’s body.


Respond accordingly to how they react.


When your spouse is caressing you, give feedback.  Offer specific praises or suggestions like, “I really love it when you use your fingernails on my scalp” or “That is so amazing when you lightly touch my inner thigh.”


And don’t be afraid to use your hands (and possibly a lubricant) to bring your spouse to climax.  If you spend enough time caressing each other’s body, you’ll find your desire to have an orgasm will increase.  Why not allow your spouse to use their hands to get you there?


Remember, you are in the exclusivity of your marriage bed, so consider it your private sexual playground to arouse each other.


2. Use your mouth.

I’m sure at first glance at this tip, you think I’m just referring to oral sex.  Certainly, oral pleasure can be such a gratifying way to give and receive sexual love, but using your mouth in other ways to arouse your spouse is enjoyable to explore.


The mouth is full of numerous sensory receptors, so it’s no surprise that when you and your spouse spend more time kissing passionately, your sexual interest and arousal is bound to increase.


And don’t hesitate to use your lips and tongue on your spouse’s entire body.


3. Use your words.

How often are you sexually playful and sexually affirming in the way you speak to your spouse?


There is power in words.  Are you using yours to delightfully intensify the sexual arousal between the two of you?


Discretely, yet intentionally, initiate conversations that are sexual in nature with your spouse.  (These can be particularly powerful if done when your spouse is least expecting it).  Whispering sweetly – and even erotically – in your spouse’s ear will likely stir their curiosity and desire in an all-consuming sort of way, creating intense anticipation.


If handled well, these conversations definitely will lead to two people in bed. And all their clothing on the floor. How delightful is that?!


With the use of your hands, mouth and words, you can heighten the sexual pleasure in your marriage, making sex about more than just intercourse.


Do you see what a difference that could make in the intimate connection you and your spouse share?

Julie Sibertpursuit of passionJulie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage and is the co-author of Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage .  You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com . She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog.


 


Now, do you have any advice for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post to today’s Wifey Wednesday, and get some traffic back to your blog!









The post Wifey Wednesday: Sexual Options Besides Intercourse appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.


Related posts:
Wifey Wednesday: What is Appropriate Sexual Release?
Wifey Wednesday: Reconciling Your Sexual Past with your Marriage
Wifey Wednesday: Getting Over Your Husband’s Sexual Past

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Published on March 05, 2014 04:00

March 4, 2014

Top 10 February Posts

Christian marriage blog: Top 10 Posts It’s Top 10 Tuesday, and today I thought I’d list the top 10 posts from February, to make sure you didn’t miss any good ones!


I like to think of To Love, Honor and Vacuum as a Christian marriage blog–where I share marriage and parenting advice from a Christian perspective. And I’m always thrilled when a post takes off and gets tons of attention, because I do want some Christian advice to make it into the mainstream.


Today I’m going to start with the top 5 posts that were published in February, and then the top 5 posts that were published before February. If you read one of these posts and like it, I’d so appreciate you sharing them on Facebook or Pinterest! They’re good ones, and I’d love for even more people to see them.


Top 5 Posts from February

February was the biggest month I’ve ever had here on To Love, Honor and Vacuum–and it was largely due to my daughters! (Thanks, Becca and Katie). My top two posts of the month were ones that they wrote. It was so neat to see their faces on my sidebar this weekend! And here they are:


Trending Posts with Girls1. Why I Didn’t Rebel. My 19-year-old shares why she thinks she didn’t rebel. She’s not claiming that if you do these things your kids are guaranteed NOT to rebel; she’s trying to dispel the myth that all teens WILL rebel. What she wrote brought tears to my eyes.


2. Why I’m Not Dating in High School. My 16-year-old shared a video on why she’s chosen not to date right now. Keep sharing it–especially with any youth pastors you know!


3. Top 10 Ways to Discipline without Spanking. I really liked this one–and I’m glad you all liked it, too!


4. 5 Ways to Let Him Know you Enjoy Sex. Thanks to J from Hot, Holy and Humorous for this guest post!


5. Top 10 Cheap Date Nights for Parents of Young Kids. 5 Date Night Ideas out, and 5 Date Night Ideas in. Thanks to Leigh Ann from Intentional by Grace for this guest post, too!


Top 5 Posts from Earlier in the Blog

Often the same posts tend to be my biggest traffic generators, though this month we have a Valentine’s Day addition. If you haven’t read them, do click through. These are the posts I’m most well-known for!


Valentine's Day Gifts for Your Husband1. Valentine’s Day Gifts for Your Husband. Pin it for next year!


2. The 50 Best Bible Verses to Memorize. Make it a habit to learn one verse a week for a year.


3. 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband. Choose 1-2 to start doing today!


4. Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love? It’s one of the most common searches that lands people here at this blog.


5. 50 Best Marriage Quotations of 2011. With great quotes from all kinds of marriage bloggers!


So there you go–my top 10 posts. This was the first month ever where I had not one but TWO posts which beat out my Bible verses post. My Bible verses post is ALWAYS my top post, but this month Why I Didn’t Rebel and Valentine’s Day Gifts beat it. Neat to see stuff getting shared!


And I do so appreciate it when you all share stuff. The only way I get known better is when people choose to share my posts, so I do want to say thank you, especially after this great month. It’s very humbling, and it’s so neat to see what God is doing–especially with my daughters’ words.



The post Top 10 February Posts appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.


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Top Posts for October–And a Giveaway!

YARPP


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Published on March 04, 2014 04:06

March 3, 2014

Reader Question: I’m Jealous of a Woman My Husband Works With

Reader Question of the Week


Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at it. I get a lot of variations of this one: “I’m jealous of women at work!” When you’re worried that someone at your huband’s work has her eyes on your husband, what do you do? A woman writes:


My husband and I have been married for over a decade. We’re blessed with wonderful kids and we love each other very much. We love God and we seek Him in all we do. My husband has been working with a married woman in our church for more than a year now. Their offices are next to each other and they occasionally share a coffee and conversation with each other at work. He has assured me that he tries to avoid being alone with her, he avoids talking to her for too long and leaves conversations with his male co-workers when she joins in. He doesn’t do anything social with her outside of the office. However, I have seen how she interacts with other men at church–she doesn’t have many female friends but flirts and jokes around with the guys all the time. She makes a point of it to bring up some of the conversations she’s had with my husband when we chat at church… I’ve taken out most of my frustration with the situation on my husband and we’ve fought about it a lot. He feels I don’t trust him, but I don’t trust her!


Changing jobs isn’t an option because in his line of work there can always be women working with him. I’ve asked if he could move offices… but he isn’t too keen to do that as he would be put in an awkward position to explain why. Should we speak to our elders at church? Or should I just get over my issues and trust him and leave it at that? We fight almost every Sunday after facing her again at church and I feel like its become an obsession with me. At church he barely greets her and they never speak but then she tells me about conversations they had at work. I’m afraid I’m doing exactly what I don’ t want to: driving him away.


Many of us are in similar situations. Women at work seem to talk to our husbands a lot! And coworkers certainly can pose a threat to our marriages, as I’ve written about before regarding texting and other technology. But in this instance, it looks like the husband is behaving well. So here are a few thoughts for this woman and others like her:


Jealous of Women at Work: Dealing with jealousy of your husband's coworkers


Don’t Take Something Out on Him He Hasn’t Done

The one sentence that really stands out in this email to me is this one:


He feels I don’t trust him, but I don’t trust her!


I’m not exactly sure what that sentence means. If you trust him, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. What is it that you don’t trust her to do? Do you think she’ll have an affair with your husband? She can’t do that if he’s trustworthy. Are you afraid she’ll come on to your husband? So what? If your husband is trustworthy he’ll turn her down. Why, then, berate your husband because you don’t trust her? She has no power over your husband if your husband is trustworthy.


Here’s the thing: if your husband is trustworthy, it really doesn’t matter what she does.


So what does it matter if you don’t trust her? What does it matter if she’s flirting with your husband? If he draws boundaries and turns her down, you’re all okay.


Suggestion: Ask yourself, “has my husband ever given me any reason not to trust him? Is my husband acting appropriately in this situation?” If you can answer those questions to your satisfaction, then honestly, let it be. Don’t punish your husband for something he’s not even doing–especially if he’s acting appropriately!


Now, if he’s not acting appropriately, that’s an entirely different story, and I’d point you to some of the articles I’ve written on emotional affairs and on discovering your husband is having an affair. But let’s assume for now that the husband is acting appropriately. What, then, should you do?


Decide What You Want Your Husband to Do

Let’s look at this letter for a moment. She doesn’t want to go to the elders, because no matter where he goes he’ll work with women. She doesn’t want him to switch offices because that’s not practical. She does want him to set boundaries, but he’s already done that.


So if you’re getting annoyed at a woman, instead of focusing on that woman, whom you have no influence over, ask yourself, “what do I want my husband to do?”


The answer can’t be, “Get her to stop flirting!”, because he can’t control what she does. So it has to be something that he can do.


And if you can’t name anything you want him to do differently, then you have to let it go and stop bothering him about it. It just isn’t fair.


Make Sure Your Marriage is Rock Solid

Every marriage goes through seasons of distance. Every marriage at some point is at risk. And the easiest way to minimize the risk ISN’T to get rid of all the possible temptations outside of marriage. It’s simply to make your marriage the best it can be!


If you find yourself starting to get jealous, then work on your friendship more. Find a new hobby you can do together. Plan more date nights with your husband, even if they’re just at-home date nights. Make sex a priority!


Get to Know the Women Your Husband Works With

I firmly believe that as much as possible spouses should be involved in each other’s lives. And you’ll find that if you know the people your husband works with, jealousy will likely decline. First, they’ll know you, and it’s much harder to go after a man if you know his wife. And second, if she’s no longer an abstract but a real, breathing person, you may not feel such jealousy towards her.


I have an article on how to get involved in your husband’s work life here.


Confront the Woman, if Appropriate

If you feel that she is being flirty with your husband, there’s nothing wrong with going to her and saying,


“I’ve noticed that you’re really a friendly person, and that’s great. But I’m not sure if you realize how it comes across when you’re that friendly to your male co-workers. It just worries me, and I’m sure it worries others, too, and I’m asking you, as a woman, to keep your conduct with my husband on a professional level.”


Would that be hard and awkward to say? Absolutely. But it’s far fairer to your husband to have that moment of awkwardness with her than to constantly grill him on what she’s doing.


Ask Yourself Why This Bothers You So Much

Something in this whole situation is triggering something in this woman. She’s reacting in fear and anger and lashing out at her husband. The question is, why?


Ask and pray through that question. When you start feeling scared, ask yourself, “what exactly is it that I’m scared of?” Pinpoint it. Then ask yourself, “Do I have a reason to be scared?” If the answer is yes, then I’d suggest asking you and your husband to go in for counseling together, or talking to a mentor couple. It certainly could be that you’re anxious because you’re picking up the signs of a real budding relationship.


However, in this particular case it really sounds more like she’s reacting to something that’s going on inside of her, not something that her husband is doing. Many of us start marriage with baggage. We’re insecure. We worry we’re not attractive. We worry no one will really want to stay with us for life. We worry our marriage will end up like our parents’ marriage did. And so when we see someone who seems like a threat, we go overboard.


The issue, though, is with you, not with your husband and not with this woman.

In this case, talking and praying with a friend through some of your insecurities and fears, and especially talking with a counselor about some of the insecurities you may have from brokenness in childhood, is likely a  good idea. Perhaps the whole reason that this episode is happening is to give you a jolt, or a kick in the pants, to deal with something. God doesn’t want you to be insecure, and He doesn’t want you paralyzed with fear. He wants you healed. If you’re over-reacting to something, it’s a sign that something’s wrong, and that there’s healing to be done. That’s perfectly okay. There’s nothing wrong with having issues; there’s only something wrong with refusing to work on your issues.


So find someone to talk to who can guide you through figuring out the root of your insecurities. A licensed counselor is probably best, and many churches can direct you to someone if they don’t have one on staff. But do deal with this!


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I want to say, again, that I know that often in cases when you’re jealous of a co-worker it is for a reason. Your husband really is at risk of having an affair. In this case, though, it really doesn’t look like it, and I’ve received enough emails that are similar  that I thought it should be dealt with. Sometimes we blame our husbands for things that aren’t their fault, and it’s much better on the marriage to figure out what the underlying problem actually is.


Now let me know in the comments: Has jealousy ever reared its ugly head with you? What did you do?


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Published on March 03, 2014 04:06