Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 217

Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Doesn’t Want to Use Birth Control

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and then take a stab at answering it. Today’s is a toughie: what do you do when you don’t want to get pregnant, but your husband doesn’t want birth control?

I miscarried in the fall and I don’t feel ready to get pregnant again. My husband agrees and we’ve decided to wait until 2015 to try again. The issue is that he refuses to wear a condom and doesn’t want me on hormonal birth control or to use an IUD. He wants to use the” pull and pray” method and doesn’t want to use spermicide or anything. As a result I avoid sex. I deny him. Or when we do have sex I’m an emotional wreck afterwards. I don’t want to anxiously wait to see if my cycle actually arrives every month. It is just too much. Our relationship is suffering for it. I don’t know what to do.

That’s a tough one, and my answer isn’t going to focus on whether or not birth control is right or wrong. I know there are couples, both Protestant and Catholic, who feel that birth control is morally wrong. I wrote a round-up on birth control previously, and I do think that certain methods are okay. But regardless of where you fall in this debate, I think these answers will apply to all of us.

Here are some general thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Get to Know When Your Fertile Times Are

Honestly, you just can’t get pregnant at all times during the month. It doesn’t work like that. You can only get pregnant when the egg is viable, and that’s roughly 3-7 days a month. Now, that may sound like a lot, because if you don’t make love during your period (and most women don’t), then that’s two weeks a month that are off limits if you don’t want to get pregnant and don’t want to use any birth control. But the fact is that’s also two weeks a month that are NOT off limits!

So get used to tracking your cycle. You can do this by taking your temperature every morning at the same time, using a digital thermometer. Get some free printable charts to track your cycle here. Now many of these sites are trying to help you get pregnant, but the principle is the same. When you know when your fertile times are, you also know when your infertile times are.

Track yourself for two months, and you’ll get a sense of about how many days after your period starts that you ovulate. Most people are within 11-16 days. Then you just stop sex for two days before that and up to 5 after, although many sites will tell you that you really don’t have to stop for more than 3-4 days. Just read up as much on the subject as you can until you’re comfortable.

What if you don’t ovulate at the same time every month? There are other ways to check–like checking your cervical mucous.

Remember: it is physically impossible to get pregnant when there is no egg present. So relax! Honestly! Get to know your body and trust your body.

In that first week after your period, you’re absolutely good to go! And many of us can FEEL when we ovulate (I hurt for about 12 hours), so three days later I’d be good to go, too.

The key to feeling relaxed about it is to get as much information as you can and then start charting. Even ask your husband to help you with this! When you know that it’s safe, you’ll feel better about making love on those times.

2. What Do We Do During the Fertile Times?

That’s all well and good, but what if, in the middle of the fertile days, the urge strikes? After all, hormonally we’re most likely to be “in the mood” in those fertile days, and it seems kind of counterproductive to say that you can’t make love in the fertile times.

If you’re both just opposed to hormonal birth control and don’t like condoms, one solution is to use nothing for most of the month, and then use condoms only on your fertile days.

If condoms are out of the question, too, then you have a decision to make. You can say to your husband:

Honey, I do want to have an active sex life with you and I do want to enjoy our intimacy. But I just am not prepared to be pregnant right now, and so I’m going to have say no on these days.

And then maybe you can do other things. After all, not all sex needs to be intercourse. You can bring each other to climax another way, and still enjoy each other’s bodies.

By the way, the “pull and pray” method is very dangerous. You can get pregnant with sperm that is released before ejaculation. And I think the “pray” part has rather sketchy doctrine. What you’re really saying is,

“God, I want you to do something for me, but I’m not prepared to do anything myself to achieve that goal. I don’t want to be pregnant, but I also don’t want to have to exercise any self-control or bear any consequences of my actions.”

That’s testing God, and I don’t think that’s right. To ask God to do something that you’re not also willing to participate in is immature.

3. Talk About Family Size and Timing

You really need to sit down and talk about family size and timing. This is a matter of mutual respect. If you have agreed that you don’t want any more children, then both of you need to be responsible with that, however that may look in your marriage. You can’t say, “we won’t have any more kids”, but simultaneously say “but I’m not willing to do anything about it.” That’s a cop out. If this is the case in your marriage, then having some discussions with him is in order, and if that isn’t getting anywhere, talking to a third party to help you work this out is likely in order, too.

4. You Husband Doesn’t Want Birth Control, But Regardless–Ultimately It’s Up to God

No matter what you do, though, remember that you are in God’s hands. Whatever happens, He will see you through it. I do understand not thinking it’s responsible to have more kids, especially if you already have a bunch, if your health is at risk, if you have special needs kids already that need attention, or if there’s military deployments coming up. There certainly are legitimate reasons to want to limit your family.

But remember that if you do get pregnant, God will carry you. He will give you the strength and the resources. You are never alone.

All of us need to be content with that, because I don’t think we were ever meant to live with 100% certainty that pregnancy wouldn’t happen.

If you’ve recently had a miscarriage, I am so sorry. I do know how that feels, and I wrote this column a few years ago called “A Prayer Through Tears” that you may appreciate.

Now I’d love to know your take on this. Have you ever had this situation? Or perhaps for you it’s the opposite: your husband wants more kids and you don’t. How did you handle that? Let me know in the comments!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 17, 2014 04:39

Finding Mr. Right: Making It More Likely that Love Shows Up

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week let’s talk about meeting that Love of a Lifetime.

Finding Mr. (or Mrs.) Right
The hashtag #foreveralone is trending on Twitter as Valentine’s Day nears.

While those in relationships may cheer February 14 because they’ll get chocolate (hint, hint), for many it’s just another reminder that they are frustratingly single.

Maybe it’s because I have a good marriage that it bothers me when people are single and don’t want to be. I wish everyone could have what I have! After all, most people do yearn for a love that lasts forever. We may not think it’s possible, but we still dream of it.

But so often we act in ways that make it far less likely to occur. I think too often we believe that “love will just happen”, like in Nora Roberts books, but love often shows up when you’re getting busy meeting people, not when you’re sitting at home dreaming of it.

So ask yourself, “If I want to marry someone who will be faithful, who will love me, whom I can love and respect in turn, and who will be a good financial and parenting partner, is what I’m doing right now helping me to meet that sort of person?”

And let me tell you, you’re unlikely to meet that person in a bar.

Most of us will marry someone through our social circle–a friend of a friend–or through our workplaces. Thus, it makes sense to fill your social circle with the kinds of people that you would consider marriageable material. If the people you hang out with think getting drunk every weekend is the pinnacle of fun, then you’re unlikely to cross paths with Mr. Right.

Instead, reconnect with friends from school that you really enjoyed who were going someplace in life. Suggest coffee to women you work with. It isn’t only about getting to know more men; I met my husband because he was the friend of the boyfriend of one of my best girlfriends! The more people you know, and the more friendships you invest in, the more likely you are to meet a potential spouse.

Want to marry someone interesting? Make sure you’re doing interesting things, too!

Learn some new skills. Take up a new hobby. Join a club. Even rediscover faith! A recent Facebook Data Science study found that religious colleges make up the vast majority of the top 25 universities with married students. People of faith tend to also be people who value marriage.

And here’s where I say something that will get me in real hot water: take care of yourself. First impressions do matter. Put some effort into your appearance. Get in shape. Go to a drug store and ask for some makeup tips. People may say, “I want him to love me for who I am,” and I completely agree. But that kind of love grows from first showing an interest, and for most of us, initial interest is largely determined by attraction.

Attraction isn’t only about being beautiful, though; it’s often just as much about confidence and the pride you take in yourself. Treat yourself well, and learn to exude genuine confidence, and that is attractive in and of itself.

Finally, as someone who makes a decent living blogging, I do believe that the online world has a lot to offer. Signing up for online dating, as long as you’re smart and take the proper precautions, isn’t a bad idea. In fact, for many of my friends who met their spouses that way, it ended up being a very good idea indeed!

Will these tips automatically work? Nope. Unfortunately there isn’t a guarantee. But if you do nurture a healthy social circle, volunteer and fill your life with good things, and take care of yourself, you’ll have a richer life regardless. And then you really won’t be forever alone.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

The best book I have ever read about finding the right person to marry, and deciding if this person IS the right person, is Sacred Search by Gary Thomas. He spends the first half of the book by explaining how our “fairy tale” culture about “the one that completes us” can actually steer us in the wrong direction. Then he spends the second half getting very practical–how do you meet someone? Where should you look? And what should be your deal breakers? I really appreciated this book, and I’m making my girls read it!

This post contains affiliate links.

The post Finding Mr. Right: Making It More Likely that Love Shows Up appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 14, 2014 07:00

Tons of Valentine’s Day Links

It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow!

And so I wanted to give you a bunch of ideas that could help you make your marriage rock, and help you get in the right frame of mind.

I’m not big on commercialism–gifts are actually the LAST of my love languages, so I don’t think Valentine’s Day needs to be a big production. But at the same time, I do think it’s good to celebrate our marriage, and sometimes that means putting in a little bit of extra effort myself.

So here are some thoughts that can help you make the day the best it can be!

Valentine’s Day Webinar

First, I’m joining MOPS for an awesome webinar today at 12 EST, 9 Pacific, 10 Mountain, and 11 Central. I’ll be talking for about 45 minutes on sex, and it’s free!

Find out more here.

Valentine’s Day Attitudes

I’m reminded of the apostle John who wrote:

We love him because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

and the apostle Paul who wrote:

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)

God took the initiative to love us first, and He asks to do the same. So this Valentine’s Day, ask: how can I best show love to those around me, especially my husband? Take the initiative, just like God did!

Here are some posts that can help you do just that:

What is Real Intimacy? I wrote this last Valentine’s Day and I really do like it. Please read it! This is the post I’d write this year, if I hadn’t done it already. It’s all about what I thought intimacy was when I got married, and how I learned I was missing half the picture.

25 Quick Ways to Show Your Husband Love

Romantic Radar Guns

Make Valentine’s Day a “Let’s Celebrate Our Marriage” Day!

Sharing God’s Love on Valentine’s Day–my friend Glynnis Whitwer reminds us that we don’t need to be fancy on Valentine’s Day to show love to those around us.

Valentine’s Day Gifts

Want some neat ideas of things to buy your husband for Valentine’s Day?

Valentine’s Day Gifts your Husband Will Love

Special Valentine’s Day Bundle–Don’t miss it!

Valentine’s Day “Turning Up the Heat”

Want to turn up the heat in your marriage this Valentine’s Day?

31 Days to Great Sex

16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

How to Spice Up Your Marriage

Don’t forget my “Sexy” Valentine’s Day Ebook Bundle!

I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow loving on your husband.

But I hope that tomorrow is just the day that you CELEBRATE, but that the loving goes on all year long. We should be loving our spouses all the time, not just on one particular day. So let’s get gushy and romantic for sure–but let’s also spend the rest of the year encouraging our spouse, praying with our spouse, showing him love, and more!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

The post Tons of Valentine’s Day Links appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 13, 2014 04:03

Wifey Wednesday: 5 Ways to Let Him Know You Enjoy Sex

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! Today guest poster J of Hot, Holy and Humorous shares 5 great tips on communicating intimately about our enjoyment in the bedroom. J’s book, The Sex Savvy Wife, is part of my Valentine’s Day Bundle! (4 ebooks, $10)

One of the aspects I adore about the Song of Solomon, the one biblical book devoted to marital intimacy, is how the wife communicates her own enjoyment of sex with her husband. Yes, she makes love to meet his needs and desires, but she also finds pleasure in the experience. And then, she goes a step further and shares with her husband her appreciation of their sexual intimacy.

“How handsome you are, my beloved!

Oh, how charming!

And our bed is verdant.”

Song of Solomon 1:16

How can we wives lovingly communicate our enjoyment of marital lovemaking?
Here are five ways to let him know you enjoy the sex.
1. Say yes.

One sure way to let your husband know you don’t desire and enjoy sex is to say “no” often. Of course, the opposite is true: Say “yes” often, and he’ll get the message that you see sex as a priority for your marriage. But don’t merely be available; get engaged. Say “yes!” to the whole experience.

Show up to the marriage bed as a fully participating lover. If you give your physical intimacy more attention and focus, you’ll likely find yourself enjoying sex more and more.

2. Move your body.

Lean into the lovemaking. When you have sex with your husband, touch and caress him. Kiss his lips and his body. Rub against him with your body. Tilt your hips toward him. Move in rhythm with his thrusting.

Your movement will likely increase your own arousal. Moreover, when you “get into it,” you convey to your husband that you’re fully involved in what’s happening with your bodies. It’s like the difference between a man dancing and dragging his partner across the floor, and the both of you fully enjoying the “mattress mambo.”

3. Make some noise.

No matter how focused your husband is on other things, he can probably hear you throughout the sexual encounter. So let your voice convey when you are feeling pleasure.

Noise can be anything from low moaning to heavy breathing to unbridled screaming—whatever fits the moment, your comfort zone, and the distance from your bedroom to the children’s bedroom. But don’t worry so much about sounding weird or being overheard. Let loose a little and make some bedroom noise.

4. Initiate.

Show him you like sex by outright asking for it! Most husbands revel in that moment when a wife overtly suggests sex. Your initiation can take the form of sexy flirting, setting a romantic scene and donning special lingerie, requesting sex at a particular time and place, or simply straddling your husband in bed and saying, “Let’s do it!”

But make it a priority to initiate, at least now and then. Express to your husband that sex is so wonderful you’re eager to make love again.

5. Just tell him you like it—but not subtly.

We wives are often brought up to use courtesy and subtlety as ways to communicate in a ladylike fashion. That’s all well and good, ladies, but most men don’t read social cues and body language as well as we do. They don’t take hints. So simply say it—as candidly as you can. It can be as straightforward as “You’re an amazing lover,” as meaningful as “I adore feeling like one flesh when we make love,” or as playful as “Honey, you put the wow in bow-chicka-bow-wow!” But get the point across to your husband that sex is important and satisfying.

Those are small ways to let your husband know that you enjoy making love.

But if you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t currently enjoy sex all that much,” try these five tips anyway. Oftentimes, they will likely increase your enjoyment of sexual intimacy in your marriage. And considering picking up a copy of Sheila’s excellent book, 31 Days to Great Sex, or my own, Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives, for more tips.

J. Parker is the author of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives and writes the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.

Remember, you can get The Sex Savvy Wife AND 31 Days to Great Sex in the Valentine’s Day bundle for just $10–along with The Deck of Dares and the Rekindling Romance Toolkit. But only until Friday!

Don’t forget to Link up the URL of a marriage post to today’s Wifey Wednesday, and get some traffic back to your blog!

The post Wifey Wednesday: 5 Ways to Let Him Know You Enjoy Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 12, 2014 04:00

Top 10 Cheap Date Night Ideas for Parents of Small Kids

Today’s Top 10 Tuesday Guest post is from Leigh Ann from Intentional by Grace, sharing about cheap date night ideas for parents of small kids!

Raise your hand if you have a regular date night with your spouse. If you’re like me, you want to raise your hand, but you’ve found yourself in a dating rut since children started coming onto the scene.

Last year, I surveyed several married women with a combined 200 years of marriage under their belts. Do you want to know their number one piece of advice?

Keep date nights a priority in your marriage … no matter what.

I’m a mom of two little boys (ages 3 and 3 months). Connecting with my husband through regular date nights takes work during this exhausting season of spit up, potty training, and toddler tantrums.

There are two (main) date night challenges parents of small children face.

Challenge #1: Exhaustion

Let’s face it bearing children is exhausting. First you try to keep your marriage fresh while pregnant, which seems almost impossible. Then you move into the stage of nursing and caring for a small child, which means your hormones are all over the place. You’re more often than not covered in bananas, flour, and boogers all at the same time, and it’s a vacation to go to the grocery store alone. Small children and all that goes into caring for them is exhausting, but worth it – totally worth it! Yet when you’re exhausted, date nights are too often the last thing on your mind.

Challenge #2: Finding a Babysitter

I would rather go to the dentist and get a root canal than go through the process of finding a babysitter. Dramatic and ridiculous, I know. Yet it’s the truth! Nailing down a babysitter can sometimes be challenging. Then, once you have a babysitter lined up, you have to get everything prepared for the babysitter to take over while you’re gone!

These two challenges can completely deter me from making date nights a priority. Sometimes it feels like date nights are more work than they’re worth, but I have a secret.

Making date nights a priority is worth it!

You get a break from caring for your children for just a little while, which in the end actually makes you a better parent.
You get to connect with your man and recharge with your best friend.

Since parents of small children face enough challenges to make date night happen, I want to share 10 date night ideas in hopes of making it a little easier on you.

5 At Home Date Night Ideas

Date nights at home can sometimes be the best option for parents of small children. The key to at home date nights is turning off the phones, computers, and other distracting electronics and tuning into your spouse. My husband and I try to do this at least once a week.

Create a dining destination. Feed the babies homemade mac and cheese and put them to bed early. Then, turn your dining room into a dining destination. This is always so much fun! Light some candles, hide the matchbox cars, and do something out of the ordinary! You can go fancy, or just simply make homemade pizza together.

Read a book together. My husband and I love to read book series together. After a long day of caring for babies, reading a book curled up on the couch under the same blanket is a nice respite. We can escape into a new world or learn something new together. We’ve read books ranging from The Chronicles of Narnia to how to grow our marriage (like 31 Days to Great Sex!). For additional appeal, share a fun dessert together like chocolate covered strawberries!

Play a board game. Board games are an easy way to connect with your man. Who doesn’t enjoy a little competition? If you need some ideas for two player games, I love Sheila’s list of board games to play with your spouse. Prepare a special snack or drink to share to add to the fun.

Enjoy a themed movie night. This one takes a little more foresight, but a themed movie night can be a lot of fun. You just need to pick a movie, plan a themed dinner, and a fun activity to go along with the movie you will watch. Very simple, yet takes the regular ol’ movie night to a whole new level.

Exercise together. I do not like to work out by myself. Working out with your man can be so much fun! Pop in a video or create your own workout routine to do together. This is a great way to de-stress and work together on your health goals. Afterward share a smoothie or some other protein rich snack together, or not and just eat an Oreo (or two or three) dipped in milk. Yum!

5 Date Night Out Ideas

If it’s possible, enjoying a date night out of the house is important for parents of small children. My husband and I try to get a date night out of the house without children at least once a month. This is a little more doable for us, and it’s something to really look forward to.

Visit a bookstore or library. This is a fun, free date night out activity. Love Actually has a fun Bookstore Date Night printable we’ve used a few times. The idea is to go in search of books on a set topic, and then talk about them together. If you’re book lovers, this one is a must do!

Go to a dollar or thrift store. We always have lots of laughs together after this date. Give each other $5 (or some other set amount) and go shopping for one another. It’s probably a good idea to set expectations first! Is this going to be silly, thoughtful, etc.? It’s never good when one spouse works really hard to find THE perfect gift and the other takes the silly route and comes up with a spatula for mom. Trust me. Set expectations!

Enjoy coffee and dessert. Date night doesn’t have to be a whole night out. Sometimes we’ll put the babies to bed, and then head out for the night – leaving a babysitter on duty of course. This is less stressful for me as the mom, and it gives me a little more time to get dressed. Plus it’s cheaper than a whole dinner!

Take a walk with a camera in hand. My husband and I love photography. One of our favorite activities is to head downtown with our camera. Your camera phone works great for this too! Take pictures of your time together. If you’re out for dessert, photograph the perfectly drizzled chocolate, or the steam coming from your cup of coffee. Take pictures of one another and the scenery around you. The ideas are truly endless! Be silly, have fun, and enjoy one another! For an added bonus, save the photos into a separate folder on your computer; then at the end of year, create a photo book of your date nights together!

Take a class together. This idea depends on where you live, as well as your interests. Some ideas include a dance class, painting lessons, photography workshop, cooking class, etc. We have plans to take a painting class together. Neither of us is particularly talented when it comes to art (you should see my stick man drawings…), but doing something outside our comfort zones is great for connecting. Create memories together even if it means your painting looks more like a moose than the puppy you set out to paint. Taking a class together gives you an opportunity to loosen up!

Date nights (whether they are at home or out on the town) are an important part of marriage. I know it’s an exhausting, trying, totally worth it season of parenting. I also know that means it’s an exhausting, trying, totally worth it season of marriage. Being a parent of small children has its challenges, but from a parent who is in the trenches with you, it’s worth it to keep date nights a priority. Your marriage is worth it, and your kids are depending on you.

Leigh Ann is passionate about inspiring others to live life intentionally by grace for the glory of God. In all she does, she seeks to make it impossible to not think about God. She is the wife to the man of her prayers, Mark, and mama to two loveable little boys, Samuel and Timothy. Follow along with her at IntentionalByGrace.com.

The post Top 10 Cheap Date Night Ideas for Parents of Small Kids appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 11, 2014 04:06

Reader Question: How Do I Stop Yelling at My Kids?

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today’s question is about how to stop yelling at my kids. A reader writes:

I yell at my kids too much. I’m just really busy and I don’t want to be this kind of mom but I find myself often yelling at them when they don’t listen to me. And I want to stop yelling at my kids, but I don’t know how. What should I do to calm down?

That’s such a common problem, and I hope I can offer some helpful thoughts!

Do You Yell at Your Kids Because You’re Too Busy?

Most of the time I yell it’s because I’m aggravated. And the reason I’m aggravated is because I have plans, and things need to get done, and other people aren’t getting with the program. So there are two elements to this problem:

1. I have plans that aren’t getting met

2. Other people aren’t getting with the program

We yell because we think the real issue is #2. But what if it’s actually #1?

Let’s take two scenarios and see how this could play out:

You need to leave to pick up the older kids from school at 3:45. Once you get them you’ll be going directly to karate lessons, so you need all their gear. Because you’ll be at karate so long, you really need to have dinner ready to go when you get home, so you have to have something ready to go. Before you go to school, then, you plan to cut up all the veggies for the stir fry you want to make, marinate the meat, and get the rice cooker on. That way dinner will only take 15 minutes once you get home.

Your younger two go down for a nap at 1. Instead of getting dinner ready, you decide to check Facebook. They wake up at 2:30, but they’re playing relatively well, and so you start browsing the news about the Olympics and other things. At 3:10 you realize you really need to get going. You jump up from your computer and start cutting vegetables. At that moment the kids, who had been playing well for forty minutes, start whining about wanting a snack. You’re annoyed. Then you realize that you never switched the wash into the dryer. You spend the next twenty minutes yelling at everybody as you run around like a chicken with her head cut off.

Here’s another scenario:

10-year-old Ben has basketball practice tonight and 12-year-old Jessica has hockey practice. You have to be at one rink for practice at 6:15 and the other one at 6:35. You won’t be home from everything until 8:30. You need to have homework done and dinner made and consumed before you leave the house at 6:05. But your husband doesn’t get home to help until 5:45, and you don’t get home until 5. While you’re making dinner you’re trying to get the kids to do their homework, but they’re being really slow. They’re whining. They’re waiting for you to fill in the answers, and you can’t do that and brown ground beef at the same time. You’re really aggravated because you’re only taking them to sports to be nice to them, but they won’t cooperate. You lose it.

Do you see what’s happening in both of those scenarios? The children are behaving perfectly normally. The problem is not that the children won’t get with the program; it’s that you have made decisions which makes it virtually impossible for the children to cooperate.

In the first instance, you chose to use time when you could have been getting things done to browse the computer; in the second, you’ve overscheduled the kids’ lives, and after a long day kids don’t always want to do homework right away.

The problem, then, isn’t that the kids aren’t being good. It’s that what you’re asking them (and what you’re asking of yourself) may very well be unreasonable.

Suggestion: Take a look at the last 3 times you really yelled at your kids. Analyze the situation. What was going on? Were you in a hurry? What was your schedule like? Can you trace it back? Is there something that YOU can do differently to prevent getting annoyed with everyone and everything?

Do You Yell at Your Kids Because You’re Afraid of Something?

Anger is often a secondary emotion. We often feel anger because it’s “safer” to feel than some of the other emotions–insecurity, fear, guilt. So when someone pushes a button that triggers a “scary” emotion, we often react in anger, sometimes without realizing what the real trigger is.

Look at this scenario:

You’ve been teaching your 7-year-old letters and phonics for several years now, and he’s not getting it. He has a little book from school that he’s supposed to read to you at bedtime, but he couldn’t care less. He won’t even try. You’re frustrated and scared that he’ll never read, and you blow up at him when he won’t put in the effort. You want him to grow up to get a good job, not be stuck in some go-nowhere job.

In the meantime, you and your husband are having money issues. Your husband never finished his education, though you do have some college. And you’re scared your son will repeat the pattern. You’re scared, and you yell.

Or perhaps the house is always a mess and the kids seem to squabble a lot, and you find yourself yelling constantly. But if you analyze your feelings, it’s really that you’re scared you’re a failure. All you ever wanted was to be a wife and mom, and now you can’t even keep a house under control. What kind of mother are you?

Suggestion: Next time you find yourself yelling, ask yourself: what am I really feeling here? Am I scared of something? Am I feeling guilty about something? Pray about that feeling instead.

Take Time to Talk to Your Kids

You’re trying to feed the baby and your toddler is trying to crawl up in your lap and is making the baby cry. Or maybe you’re trying to talk on the phone and your 4-year-old is constantly pulling at your leg and asking for something. It seems as if you can never get any time alone, away from constant demands!

Here’s the truth: kids like to “check in” and know that they’re secure and safe. They know that when they have your undivided attention. If you can give your child some undivided attention throughout the day, even if it’s just in short spurts, they’re far more likely to let you have some of your own alone time later, as I wrote in this post on how to prevent temper tantrums.

Suggestion: Before you start something where you need the kids to leave you alone, take some 1-on-1 (or 1-on-2) time with them. Need to nurse the baby in an hour? Pull the toddler up on your lap now and read a story. Need to clean the house today? Before you start, get on the floor and play a few games with the kids. Make it a habit of giving your kids some attention before you need them to leave you in peace.

Set Consequences for Bad Behavior, and Let the Consequences Do the Work

Yelling is not a punishment, yet when we’re mad, often the first thing we do is yell. If that’s all we ever do, though, kids often learn to drown it out. It doesn’t phase them. You yell; you vent some steam; but nothing really changes.

It’s better to have consequences for bad behaviour that are immediate, that are known, and that are obvious. So, for instance, if you tell kids to clean up, and then you give another warning, and they don’t, they lose their iPod for a week. You don’t have to yell; you just take the iPod away.

I’d suggest having three simple levels of punishments that will work for a variety of things. You could take away iPods or other electronics; you could take away video games and TV; or you could take away outings or fun things. If they’re younger, they could lose a toy. But just have three consequences for each child that work, and put them on the fridge. You can decide then if it’s a Defcon 1 situation or a Defcon 3.

When you start following through with consequences, kids usually start listening to you, and listening to the warning, better.

Practice A Serious Voice

Have you ever noticed how little kids especially are more inclined to listen when dad says something? My husband, a pediatrician, says it’s because dads have deeper, and thus scarier, voices.

We moms often have this sing-song voice. And we spend our lives saying things like this:

Okay, guys, we’re going to have to go in twenty minutes! So you’re going to have to start cleaning up your stuff, okay?

5 minutes later:

Guys, it’s really time to start putting things away and getting going.

5 minutes later:

I don’t see anyone cleaning up their stuff! Come on, we’ve got to get going!

5 minutes later:

(Yelling) I said to clean up!!!!! Why do you never listen to me!!!!????

But what did that sound like to a child? You’re likely using the same voice that you use for everyday conversation. Most women don’t vary our voice tones very much.

Suggestion: If you have something you really want your children to do, use a lower voice and fewer words. Instead of saying, “Okay, guys, we’re going to have to go in twenty minutes! So you’re going to have to start cleaning up your stuff, okay?”, try “Children, Please start cleaning up now.” In a deep voice. Change your tone, and issue a command, don’t make a statement. Let kids know you mean business, and it may not escalate like that. It will feel unnatural, like you’re being mean, but try it! Kids need to know the difference between you talking to them and you asking them to do something.

God Wants to Help You With This

I hope some of those suggestions resonate with you! We all yell for different reasons, and often different triggers set us off. Recognizing those triggers, and seeing the cause, can help us substantially.

But I also want to reassure you that God wants to help you with this. He doesn’t want you yelling at your precious children, since they are also His precious children. He says in Ephesians 4:29,

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

But He also says that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. You can do this because God can strengthen you and help you! So when you feel weak, ask Him to help you be a great mother to these kids. Ask Him to give you patience. Seek after patience in other areas of your life, too. Seek after peace and affirmation from God, so you don’t need it from your kids. And know that even this struggle can help bring you closer to God, and through that He can open the window onto some things in your heart, and can help healing you and your whole family.

Now let me know: Which scenario do you most identify with? Feeling busy? Feeling fear? Finding that kids just don’t listen to you? Which suggestion spoke to you? Or do you have other ones for us? Let me know in the comments!

The post Reader Question: How Do I Stop Yelling at My Kids? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 10, 2014 04:16

IKEA’s Helping Refugees–with their Brighter Lives for Refugees Program

Lately I’ve been busy. And we’ve had some major ups (things to celebrate!) and some major downs (health problems) in my extended family. And when that happens we often get really self-absorbed. We think about how hard our own lives are.

So when Ikea contacted me and asked if I’d write about their new initiative to help provide solar lights in refugee camps, I jumped at the chance. Too often we forget how good we’ve got it.

Here’s what they’re trying to do: Ikea is going into four refugee camps in Jordan, Ethiopia, Chad, and Bangladesh, and providing solar street lamps and solar lanterns to people to help them achieve a little bit of normalcy and to greatly improve safety.

On February 18, my daughters and I are going to go without lights of any kind (not even cell phones!) at night. On February 19, we’re going to use a solar-powered LED lantern. And then I’ll report back to you and tell you what a difference a light makes!

Imagine what a difference a light makes in a refugee camp. If you were a woman, in a camp, and you had to go to the washroom at night, you’re at really heightened danger of rape. It’s horrifying. I heard the stories when I was in Kenya; I know they’re being multiplied in these camps.

Solar street lights can improve safety in refugee camps by reducing the risk of crime, sexual and gender-based violence.
Solar lanterns help girls and boys in refugee camps study after dark, improving results in school.
Solar street lights help improve life in a refugee camp, enabling more community gatherings and social activities.
Solar lanterns allow refugees to continue important income-generating activities such as weaving or sewing during the dark hours.
Solar lanterns enable refugees to run their small shops and kiosks into the evening, increasing prospects of generating a sustainable income.

Too often we dismiss problems on the other side of the world as having nothing to do with us. After all, when you picture a refugee camp, what do you think of?

Likely row upon row of poor people, stretching out as far as the eye can see. It seems so hopeless. But it also seems so far-removed.

Yet God said in Isaiah 58:10:

If you offer your food to the hungry and satisfy the needs of the afflicted, then your light shall rise in the darkness and your gloom be like the noonday.

When people are hurting, it matters to God, and it should matter to us, too. And here’s a really tangible way that we can help–these moms who are trying to raise kids in desperate situations. These teenage girls who are heading families and don’t know what they’re going to do. These people who are just desperate.

And let’s not forget that many of these people are our Christian brothers and sisters, especially in the Jordan camp, where so many are fleeing from the violence in Syria. The Syrian conflict is close to my heart right now because it’s the most dangerous place to be as a Christian. (North Korea is more dangerous percentage wise, but Syria had the most Christians dying last year.) And so many have fled to refugee camps to get away from the violence. It’s so heartbreaking.

Ikea’s Brighter Lives for Refugees campaign runs February 3 – March 29, 2014. The global IKEA store initiative includes a donation of one euro ($1.37)* to the UN refugee agency UNHCR for every IKEA LEDARE – LED light bulb sold. So if you’re planning on doing some shopping at Ikea, why not do it now? And buy some light bulbs while you’re at it!

And in two weeks my daughters and I will go without lights–and I’ll tell you how grateful we should be for them afterwards!

I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.

The post IKEA’s Helping Refugees–with their Brighter Lives for Refugees Program appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

View more on Sheila Wray Gregoire's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 08, 2014 04:24

IKEA’s Helping Refugees–with their Brighter Lights Program