Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 221

RoundUp of Christmas Links

Have you been enjoying your family and huddling around drinking hot chocolate? I’ve been knitting some Christmas stockings! The girls decided that we’ve used the same tired ones for too long, and it was time for some new ones.

I’ve finished 2 1/2, which isn’t bad. At least the girls will have new ones! I think I can finish 3 by Christmas, and then I’ll just knit my own before next year.

And we went to see The Desolation of Smaug last night. I just love Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice as Smaug. Can hardly wait for the new Sherlock to come out, too! We rail on the media so often for having so little that’s any good to watch, but honestly–there have been a ton of GREAT movies and great new series to watch on Netflix recently. Stuff that I can share with my teenagers and my husband and we all can enjoy it. I am grateful for that and for family time with my oldest daughter home.

The really exciting thing that’s happening here, though, is that we’ve had the worst ice storm in twenty years. Rebecca blogged about it here, but here’s a picture of her SKATING ON OUR DRIVEWAY.

Yep. That’s how bad it was! She’s got more pictures here.

I’m having a wonderful time with my family, especially with Becca being home from university. But I thought I’d share just a few things with you in the meantime.

1. Tons of Christmas Posts from this Blog

I’ve sent out my marriage newsletter and my parenting newsletter in the last few weeks, and each had a ton of links to various Christmas posts I’ve written over the years.

See my Marriage Newsletter – with tons of stuff on marriage & Christmas

See my Parenting Newsletter - with tons of stuff on kids & Christmas

2. Anniversary Links!

December 21 was also my anniversary. We got married right around Christmas, so we’ve just celebrated together again. Last year I hit the milestone where I had been married for half my life, and this year Keith hit it, too. Pretty cool!

Here’s a post on my twentieth anniversary you may enjoy.

And a wonderful Anniversary Link: This couple has been married for 61 years, and for their anniversary they took “Up” themed pictures. Remember the love story from Up? So precious. And you’ll love these pictures, too!

3. Christmas Conundrums

One reader sent me this newspaper article asking that difficult Christmas question: what do you do when you have relatives coming to stay with you who live together (or date), but aren’t married? Separate bedrooms or the same bedroom?

My quick answer: If it’s your kids, it’s your house, your rules. Separate bedrooms. No doubt about it. If it’s a sister or something, I’d be a little more lenient perhaps. Your children you raised with certain values, and I think it’s okay to still enforce that in your home. Your siblings is a little different, and I can’t give a quick answer. What do you think? Talk about it in the comments!

And that’s all for now! I’m going to go finish up my stocking and do a bit more Christmas shopping. Loving the time off, and may you all be blessed, too!

 

The post RoundUp of Christmas Links appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Some Books, Some Links, and a RoundUp
Wifey Wednesday: Dealing with the In-Laws at Christmas
Wifey Wednesday: What About Christmas?

Seeking a Wise Man

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. I’m taking a bit of a hiatus from my column this month as I finish up the second edition of my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum. So I’m rerunning some Christmas columns that I enjoyed from years past. Here’s one that won a Canadian writers’ award:

Right now, many men are obsessed with that age old question: “how can I earn major brownie points this Christmas?” Well, if you want to find the road to Christmas success, it’s always advisable to follow those who have blazed the trail before you. And who better than those we now call “The Three Wise Men”, all because they mightily impressed an important woman that long ago Christmas.

What did they do that was so wise? First, they brought gifts.

No matter what your wife says, a package under the tree is non-negotiable. But not just any package. I heard the woeful tale of one husband who bought his wife a scale. As my husband said, that level of stupidity doesn’t come naturally. You have to practice.

The gift, then, must be good. The Wise Men came bearing gold, frankincense, and myrrh. I’m sure Mary greatly appreciated those things. I’m equally sure she and Joseph promptly sold them to pay for their flight to Egypt, thus ushering in that other sacred Christmas tradition of returning gifts for the cash.

The Wise Men’s gifts, though, did show great forethought. They brought gifts to honour a king, just as you must buy gifts to honour your queen.

But the wise men remembered that first rule of Christmas gift-giving: under no circumstances should you buy her something you think she needs.

First, you’re probably wrong; and second, even if she needs it you’re bound to buy the wrong one. If she needs it, make a date to go buy it together on Boxing Day. Don’t make it a gift. The Wise Men, after all, didn’t bring diapers and Vaseline, though those would have been useful. They brought something symbolic of who Jesus was to them. So think romance, not necessity. Think meaningful, not useful in the laundry room. It’s the wise way.

The Wise Men, however, were not merely gift toters. They also were wise because they were on the look out for danger, avoiding the homicidal King Herod and protecting Mary and Jesus in the process. This may not be a very women’s lib type thing to say, but I think “protecting your brood” comes right after “it’s the man’s job to kill the bugs” in the official marriage rule book.

Now, men must understand that many dangers in a woman’s life are of her own making.

Women naturally expand to fill the void—and no, I’m not referring to the lady who required that scale. If there is work to be done, and no one to do it, women naturally step in. That is why we are chronically exhausted and grumpy. Men can protect women by helping us do some of that work, and by gently helping us see when we’re getting out of control, preferably while handing us chocolate truffles in the process.

Finally, the wise men took their eyes off of the camel races and other ancient entertainment to search for signs of something important. They saw that star only because they were looking up. This Christmas, we all need to get our eyes off of the screen and onto the faces of those we love. How are they doing? How are you doing? Don’t be afraid to ask.

When the wise men saw that sign, though, they didn’t back away.

They knew that sometimes you have to take a journey to find something truly important. I don’t mean heading down to Home Depot to get the latest power tool; I mean going places you wouldn’t normally venture. Maybe you need to take a journey this Christmas season; a journey back to that place in your heart where you first fell in love. Maybe you need to journey to church, to a marriage counselor, to more of your children’s pageants. Maybe you need to journey to a place of forgiveness. Maybe you need to reach out to an estranged brother, father, or son. Maybe you need to take a journey to a place where you can be free to say “I love you”, “I cherish you”, “I need you”, or to find an answer to the question, “what am I here for?” Seek out that which is important this season. It is there to be found, and it is a wise man indeed who does not pass it by.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

The post Seeking a Wise Man appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Wifey Wednesday: Seeking a Wise Man
My Three Gifts of Christmas
Seeking Peace on Earth

The Power of Words

My oldest daughter is home! We picked her up at the train station last night. She’s been at university this semester, and I haven’t seen her in two months. I feel like my family is complete again.

And so in honour of her being home, I thought I would tell you a story about her.

When my younger daughter Katie turned 15, Rebecca, 17 at the time, made her cry. It was a beautiful moment.

Rebecca wanted to get something for Katie for her birthday that would be memorable. And so she sent out a Facebook status saying, “if you could describe Katie in one word, what would that word be? Make it good, because I’m collecting them for her birthday!”

She hid the status from Katie’s account, and from a few of Katie’s close friends where she might see it (she sent them private messages instead), and then let the responses roll in.

She had over 50.

And then she created this “scrapbooked” picture, writing all the words out.

Here are just a few of those words:

Inspiring. Fun. Godly. Beautiful. Fun-Loving.

For Katie’s birthday the four of us and my mother and Keith’s parents went out to dinner, and we gave her her presents. She received a brand new computer from her father and me (she needed it for school). She was thrilled to bits.

But when she opened Rebecca’s gift, which cost a grand total of $10, her eyes welled up with tears once she realized its significance. “Who send words in, Becca?” she asked. “What did Jillian say? What did Gab say? Which words are from Micah?” Throughout the evening she peppered Rebecca with questions. And between bites she’d reach down and glance at that frame again.

It was such an amazing thing to know how all of her friends saw her, and to see that she was so admired.

Do we realize how powerful our words are? Do we realize how much praise can mean to a person?

When was the last time you gave your husband praise? Or your kids? I’ve been convicted lately that while I say “I love you” a lot, I don’t actually tell my family members WHAT it is I love about them. And after seeing the power of words on Katie’s birthday, I’m determined to change that.

Christmas gifts don’t always have to be expensive to be meaningful. Maybe you could take Rebecca’s idea and run with it yourself!

For more ideas on inexpensive Christmas gifts you can make, here’s a post Becca wrote. And if you want to know Becca better, here she is talking about “Why I Won’t Court“. I love my girls!

The post The Power of Words appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:

Thinking About Siblings
Some Words of Reassurance for Parents of Young Ones

Wifey Wednesday: Keeping a Friendship with Your Husband

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below! Today Jamie Worley shares valuable advice in keeping a friendship with your husband.

My parents were married nearly 25 years before they divorced. As is almost always the case, there were many factors at play in their divorce, but I believe the biggest factor is that they’d grown apart. It’s normal for people to grow and change over the years, but it takes intentional effort to grow together.

Since then – as a woman who has been married, divorce, and remarried – I’ve learned many lessons the hard way. I’m thankful beyond words for God’s grace though my thick-headedness. For nearly a decade now, I’ve been married to a wonderful man who has learned his fair share of lessons the hard way as well. As we’ve navigated life and parenting in our blended family, adopted three more children, and struggled through times of stress and loss, we’ve come to realize this truth: friendship with your spouse is essential to a strong marriage!

How to stay friends with your husband:

Make Time

Carve out time together and make it a priority. Even if you can’t get out of the house for date night, there are plenty of ways to find time together. Some of our friends established Friday night “dates” in their bedroom; they’d order a pizza and get a movie for the kids, then have dinner and romance in their own bedroom. By the time the kids were teens, they’d claim to be mortified at knowing what Mom and Dad were doing behind those bedroom doors, but it made the kids realize marriage was a priority to their parents — and that real romance isn’t how Hollywood usually portrays it!

We haven’t done that (yet) but we do take time when Ken gets home from work to sit on the back porch or chat in the kitchen to catch up on our days, and do our best to make the kids understand this Mama-and-Daddy time is important. As long as we follow through on promises to do something with them afterwards, the kids are usually good about letting us do this without [too many!] interruptions.

Any time we’ve let time together slide on the priority list, we’ve seen the ill effects on our relationship, so we protect this time – although it does look different at differing life stages!

Laugh Together

A sense of humor makes nearly every situation better, even the hard ones. When we added our two littlest ones to the family earlier this year (at age 4 and 5), there were days I thought I might lose my mind — but as I’d regale Ken with the struggles of the day, we’d usually end up tickled about it all. No matter what we face, laughter really is often the best medicine. When things aren’t so tough, it’s even easier to find reason to laugh together!

Need more motivation? Read a bit about the science behind smiles to find out how good it is for you!

Enjoy Conversation

If I want to get into an in-depth discussion about shoe styles, household decor, or hormones, I’ll likely bend a girlfriend’s ear rather than subject Ken to those topics — but we do need a chance to chat and reconnect. Often. We trust each other enough to share our deepest thoughts, but conversations don’t always have to be profound; just knowing we care about what the other has to say goes a long way to keeping our friendship alive and well.

Your hopes and dreams should show up in these conversations occasionally, too. It’s an opportunity to encourage each other, and it helps you stay on the same page for what your lives together might look like in years to come.

Share a Hobby

It’s not truly a necessity, but a shared hobby does help give you something to talk about, something to do when you’re spending time together, and often something to laugh about! Try making time for an interest you already share, give each other’s favorite activity a whirl, or try something new to you both!

Be Considerate

Think about how you treat your best girlfriend. Most likely, if she’s having a crisis, you’re there to help. If she needs to talk, you offer a nonjudgmental listening ear. You usually have fun together no matter what you’re doing. You can be yourself with her, but you always make an effort to consider her feelings. Do you show the same consideration to your husband as you do to your girlfriends? If you’re anything like me, this is sometimes hard to live out on a daily basis, but remembering he’s my friend as well as my husband gives me a reality check in how I treat him.

In every marriage, romance will have highs and lows, but genuine friendship with your spouse is a strong glue. Bonus: it makes life more enjoyable, too!

What tips would you add for nurturing your friendship with your husband?

Jamie is wife and homeschooling mama in a family blended by marriage and foster-adoption. She credits Jesus, a husband with a great sense of humor, and copious quantities of steaming hot tea with keeping her sane. Follow along with her at See Jamie blog.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of a blog post about marriage in the Linky below. And be sure to link back here so that other people can read this great marriage advice!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Until December 22, the ebook version is just $2.99! Don't miss this great deal.

The post Wifey Wednesday: Keeping a Friendship with Your Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Wifey Wednesday: What Comes First? Sex or Friendship?
Wifey Wednesday: My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me
Wifey Wednesday: Is Your Husband Lousy at Romance?

Planning Now for Normal Christmas Disappointment

Today’s post is a Guest Post by my good friend and frequent commenter Cheri Gregory, writing about dealing with disappointment at Christmas.

For my nephew’s 3rd birthday, my sister-in-law, Karen, ordered a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cake. Her instructions for the baker were crystal clear: NO FLOWERS.

But when she went to pick up the cake, the plastic figures of Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael stood–in all their Ninja fighting glory–in the midst of blue, yellow, and pink icing roses.

With no time for a re-do, Karen improvised Plan B. She smeared all the frosting flowers together into a brown puddle atop the cake and stuck the four Ninja Turtle figures in the middle.

Little Justin’s first response to seeing his cake was,  “Eeeeewww!  What’s that?”

When Karen replied, “It’s sewer slime!” Justin was thrilled.

And I was in awe of her ability to flex instead of fume.

To Avoid Christmas Disappointment, Plan Your Attitude Now

With so much happening during the holiday season, there’s a lot we can’t control. Yet I often act as if I do. And it starts with an attitude of how things “have to” turn out.

I have to find the obscure ingredients for this one exotic recipe
The kids have to be well-behaved during photographs.
She has to be excited about the gift I I give her.
He has to be in a good mood while gifts are being opened.
We all have to have fun together.

Now don’t get me wrong: It’s wonderful when everything goes smoothly. And I always hope it will.

But I also need to recognize that nothing has to happen the way I want it to. I’d prefer if it did. But it doesn’t have to.

The sun will still rise on December 26 if none of the above happen.

The opposite of the “it has to happen” attitude is the “it will be what it will be” approach, which I’ve always found rather fatalistic.

I prefer a “We’ll make the best of what we’ve got” perspective: proactive yet flexible.

Make Your Back-Up Plan(s) Now

Aside from all the unnecessary stress and anxiety that an “it has to happen” attitude can cause, it can also delude us into thinking that we don’t need any back up plans.

But what if…

…someone (or everyone!) gets sick? (1992, 1995, 1999, 2001, 2005, 2009)
…the food turns out awful?  (2003, 2010)
…someone’s in a bad mood? (every year since 1988)
…the power goes out? (2005, 2009, 2011)
…the car needs 4 new tires? (2012)
…the cat almost gets killed by a coyote? (2013)

Without any contingency plans, the only fallback reaction is “This can’t be happening.” Which is not particularly useful when, in fact, “this” actually is happening.

Here’s a starter list of Plan B preparations:

___    Water bottles
___    Staple food items
___    Medications (pain, allergy, cold & flu, stomach, etc.)
___    First Aid kit
___    Baby/Toddler needs (bottle liners, baby food, diapers, Pull-Ups, etc.)
___    Feminine supplies
___    Power bars
___    Flashlights & batteries
___    Back-up meal(s) in the freezer (or ingredients for a throw-together rescue meal)
___    Other:  Add your own based on your own location, circumstances, and family needs!

Plan Your Non-Negotiables Now

What’s the one thing that really says “Christmas” for you?

For me, it’s sitting in front of the fireplace, with all the lights out (except, of course, for the Christmas trees) and listening to Mannheim Steamroller Christmas, especially “Silent Night.” For Daniel, it’s watching Miracle on 34th Street. For our kids, it’s listening to us read The Best Christmas Pageant Ever aloud on Christmas Eve.

Find out what the one most important thing is for each member of your family. Make those your priorities. Even if plans have to flex and change, make sure everyone gets their one thing at some point during the holiday season.

Trade Christmas Expectations for Christmas Hope, Starting Now

One word I learned not to use when our children were little was “promise.” As in, “I promise that we will…” They took it so literally that when life happened, I had to choose between looking like a liar by breaking the promise or tying myself into pretzel bending over backward to fulfill my foolish promise.

Although expectations can build anticipation, they can also lead to Christmas disappointment when things don’t turn out. The dictionary definition for “expect” includes words like “necessary” and “require”…rather inflexible terms.

In contrast, the definition for “hope” includes the far less rigid terms “wish” and “possibility.” And Romans 5:5 says that “hope does not disappoint.” That’s because while expectations are about what we want to do, hope is about what God has already done: “the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

I hope you have a very Merry Christmas­­–whether or not you end up using your back-up plans!

FREE Resources to Help You Expect Less & Hope More:

Free eBook: Top 10 Priceless Gifts for Each PURSE-onality that Don’t Cost a Dime
Audio: De-LIGHT-full Giving in a Weighty World
Videos: “Personality Puzzle for Parents of Preschoolers” and “You’ve Got PURSE-onality!”

Cheri Gregory is a Certified Personality Trainer; contributor to half a dozen books, including Wired That Way (by Marita Littauer) and 21 Ways to Connect With Your Kids (by Kathi Lipp); and frequent speaker for MOPS groups, women’s retreats, parent workshops, and educational seminars. She holds an M.A. in Leadership and is working on her PhD. Cheri has been “wife of my youth” to Daniel, a pastor, for over a quarter-of-a-century; they have two college-aged kids. She blogs about expectations, “baditude,” and hope at CheriGregory.com/blog.

The post Planning Now for Normal Christmas Disappointment appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Avoiding Disappointment This Mother’s Day
Wifey Wednesday: What Do You Do for Christmas with your Husband?
Our Perfect Christmas Tree

Reader Question: Is It Okay to Be Upset if My Husband Talks to his Ex-Wife?

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and then take a stab at answering it. Here’s one that may pose more difficulties around Christmas, when we’re more likely to talk to people we haven’t seen in a while. A woman asks: should I be upset if my husband talks to his ex-wife?

My husband and his first wife divorced after they’d been married for 5 years. They didn’t have any kids, but they just wanted different things out of life (she’s climbing the corporate ladder and my husband is a contractor). She left him.

But now she likes to call him “just to check in”. They text quite a bit and talk on the phone. She lives in another state and they don’t see each other. I think she’s just lonely, and he still says that she’s one of his closest friends. It just really bugs me. I know there’s nothing going on, but I find myself getting really irritated at him whenever she texts and then I clam up and give him the silent treatment. I know I should just get over it, but don’t you think there’s something weird about still being best friends with your ex-wife?

I had another email recently from a woman in a similar situation. Her husband had dated a girl for three years in high school. He then went on to marry his now-wife. But the former girlfriend is still in their social circle, and the two of them talk all the time. Again, she doesn’t think there’s anything going on, but it makes her feel uncomfortable.

Are there rules for how to talk to your exes?

That’s a thorny one, isn’t it? When I asked on Facebook recently, someone else said that her husband’s ex had married his best friend, so the four of them were always together, and she really didn’t like it. Is she being ridiculous to make an issue out of it?

My husband and I both dated other people all through high school. My husband has stayed in contact with many of his high school friends more than I have, and I’ve never particularly felt warmly towards any of them, though there is one that I’ve developed a nice online friendship with. But it is awkward, isn’t it?

Here’s the problem: all this baggage and broken hearts isn’t really supposed to happen. We’re not supposed to give away our hearts to someone who isn’t our spouse, and we aren’t supposed to divorce. Hearts are funny things. We do become entangled with other people that we date, and it’s hard to break that.

Here are some general rules that I would put in place in any marriage regarding the opposite sex:

[image error]

1. No Social Texting/Phone Calls with Members of the Opposite Sex–Including Exes

Things that look innocent can often become something else. Texting can be dangerous. Even with work, I’d suggest only texting when it’s absolutely imperative, and trying to keep those texts to a minimum, and always business related.

This would definitely include one’s ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, but it would also apply once you’re married with someone who is “just friends”. Once you’re married, friends of the opposite sex should be friends of BOTH of you, not just you. So if your husband’s best friend was a girl, he should now really only see her when you are also there.

That may sound like I’m being overly strict, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for someone who is married to be talking to someone of the opposite sex for companionship or friendship. That’s what a spouse is for, and that’s what same-sex friends are for. Even if you mean it absolutely innocently, you don’t know what the other person is thinking. And when you do have trouble in your marriage, you don’t want to be talking to someone of the opposite sex about it.

So I’d tell the woman in the first email that she insist that her husband cut off contact with the ex-wife. Sure that’s hard. He shared so much with her, and they were great friends. But that relationship ended, and he has to let it end and turn to his wife for friendship.

2. Don’t Blame Your Husband for Things That Have Been Over for Years

I’d say something very different to the woman whose husband’s best friend married her husband’s ex. Her husband dated a girl, but that relationship didn’t last. They both decided that they didn’t want to marry each other, and they both chose other people. Yes, it’s awkward to see her all the time, but it would also be awkward to tell your husband he couldn’t get together with his best friend anymore, or to have him have to explain to his best friend that his wife is jealous.

As long as you are doing things in a large group, I think you have to let it go, providing you do believe that the relationship is over. You really can’t keep blaming him for things he did before you were married, especially since he chose you.

If part of the problem was that their relationship was sexual, I did write a post on how to get over your husband’s sexual past. That is a tough one. But if he is not currently doing anything wrong, or having any sort of inappropriate relationship, I think being jealous and asking him to end an important friendship is over the top.

Instead, work on your relationship so you do know that he loves you. Work at making the marriage the best it can be. And here’s a tough one: work at befriending his ex. If you still live in the same town where your husband grew up, chances are there will be “exes” in your social circle. The best way to handle it is to embrace them and get to know them, rather than setting up this weird dynamic where it’s obvious you’re jealous (which often gives that relationship renewed energy and spark, even if they haven’t thought of each other that way in years).

3. If She’s Pursuing Him, Put an End to It

However, let’s be honest. Some women really are on the hunt for a new relationship, and sometimes we do pick up on that. If there’s a woman who seems to be after your husband, tell him. Ask him to avoid her. And then do your best to stick as close to her as possible, so that she knows that there’s no room for anything happening.

In some cases this may be a social circle that’s easy to leave (like simply stop going to the high school reunions). In others (work, church) it’s not as easy. In that case, just stick close, tell your husband, and even have a frank talk with her if possible.

Relationships are just really messy and our pasts are often messy. But remember: he chose you and you chose him. Those other women don’t matter. And if you keep your marriage fresh, those women are quite unlikely to have any power over him anyway. So let it go where you can, and enforce strict boundaries where necessary.



I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, though. Have you ever been in a social circle with your husband’s ex? Has an ex ever tried to communicate with your husband? How did this work, and how did you handle it? Let me know in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Until December 22, the ebook version is just $2.99! Don't miss this great deal.

The post Reader Question: Is It Okay to Be Upset if My Husband Talks to his Ex-Wife? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Reader Question: My Husband Doesn’t Spend Any Time with Me
Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Refuses to Work
Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?

No More Naughty and Nice

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week I want to challenge you to give people the grace to allow them a fresh start. 

I’m taking a bit of a hiatus from my column this month as I finish up the second edition of my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum. So I’m rerunning some Christmas columns that I enjoyed from years past. Here’s one that ran in Saskatchewan today.

Have you been making a list? Checking it twice? Do you know who’s naughty and nice?

Of course you do! Most of us can easily identify the two or three people in our families who are complete screw-ups (though of course we’d never put ourselves in that category). We can recite their faults at the drop of a hat. In fact, it’s one of our favourite hobbies when sitting around the family table. “Hey, kids, do you know why Billy Bob’s nose is crooked? It’s ’cause twenty-four years ago he tried to rob the Kwik-E-Mart with Nana’s Queen Size nylons over his face, but he tripped on the curb since he couldn’t see and spent the night in the ER instead!” We can never get enough of stories like that.

My theory is that we do this because human beings are essentially lazy.

And one way that we avoid work is we like to categorize things, and people, so we don’t have to think anymore. My little brother is the black sheep. My mother is the martyr. Uncle Jim is the drunk. We’ve got it all sorted out.

Once that category is created, though, we don’t like to change it. It requires too big a shift in our thought patterns. So what if Uncle Jim has been sober for nineteen years? Let’s still laugh over the time he passed out and landed right in the Christmas cranberry sauce.

Family may love you, but quite often they pigeonhole you, too.

People tend to have an easier time reinventing themselves outside of the bosom of their families, because families remember your infractions. My brother-in-law, for instance, failed his driver’s test on his first attempt because, though he is an infinitely superior parallel parker than yours truly, he failed to get out of the way of a wailing ambulance. That Christmas, his father helpfully wrapped up one of those Tonka toy ambulances, just so he wouldn’t forget his stupidity. He may be a successful businessman now, but the family still likes to laugh about it. I, of course, am the exception, since I would never try to rub that one in by announcing it to the world or anything.

Another friend of mine has had a rough adult life. Things have just not gone his way. Recently, he pulled up stakes and moved to the other side of the country, where he’s thriving. People don’t think of him in terms of his past mistakes, because they don’t know them. They look at who he is now and at what he’s capable of doing. And they love him for it.

Perhaps this Christmas might be a good time to start treating our family members as strangers.

Don’t think of them in terms of all the mistakes they’ve made, or the ways they’ve hurt you in the past. Don’t replay those cruel words they said ten years ago. Instead, while you’re sitting down to turkey, look at everyone in your family and ask, “who are they today?” And if they’re kind, if they’re successful, if they’re trying, then celebrate that.

After all, isn’t that what Christmas is all about? The Christmas story is one of new starts: in the religious tradition, God sent His Son so that we could be forgiven. We’d have a clean slate. Wouldn’t it be refreshing if we could extend that kind of grace to others in our families this year?

Everyone deserves a new start. Even you.

So Merry Christmas to all of you, and to all of your families, too. May this be a season of grace, forgiveness, and new beginnings.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

The post No More Naughty and Nice appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Imagine…
Rocking the Boat
Wifey Wednesday: Dealing with the In-Laws at Christmas

Wifey Wednesday: Do You Help Your Husband Through Stress?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below! Today Jennifer of Unveiled Wife shares honestly about helping her husband through stress.

Stress: a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.

When Sheila invited me to write this article I accepted with enthusiasm.  I thought sharing a few tips on how to help your husband through stress would be a simple and fun way to encourage wives in this area of marriage.  But if you allow me to be honest with you, when I sat down to write, I was confronted with a question:

Do I help my husband through stress?

In an effort to self-preserve and avoid looking like a horrible wife, I pushed the question aside and decided to start this article with the definition of stress and continue on to encourage you.  However, one glance at that definition and my heart dropped.  If there had been a picture next to the google definition it would have been my portrait.  I was confronted again.  The first thing that popped into my mind of the most stressful thing in my husband’s life is me and my never-ending demands.

I humbly admit to you today that I am not very good at helping my husband through stress.

In fact, I know I add more stress to him because when he is stressed I take it personally.  I feel as if he is ignoring me, as if he is not interested in me, as if he does not love me.  In my hurt I retaliate.  This doesn’t happen every time, but often enough that The Lord has convicted my heart of the issue in our marriage.  My eyes are self-focused in those moments.

The heart wrenching part is that I know what my husband needs in times of stress:

He needs a wife who will affirm him with words of affirmation.
He needs a wife who be selfless and serve his needs.
He needs a wife who will be confident of his love for her despite his weary heart and the other demanding circumstances that steal his attention.
He needs a wife who will rub the tension out of his shoulders.
He needs a wife who understands the burden of stress and does what she can to not add to the stress.
He needs a wife who will be gracious to him when he acts out as a result of his stress.
He needs a wife who will cheer him on and cheer him up!

I cannot be that kind of wife if my eyes are focused on myself.

I need to live with the compassion of Christ dwelling in my heart.  The kind of compassion that comforts with overwhelming peace.  I need to reach out and calm the storms.  I need to love like Jesus!

I could have written a “How-to” article that would have encouraged you and given you some tips to better your marriage…but I hope my transparency does more than that.  I hope my honesty shows you that you are not alone as you grow into your role as wife and you are not alone in the struggles you face in marriage.  I don’t think we’ll ever hit a plateau of growth, for there will always be areas of our character that we can strive to improve.  Writing this article has opened my eyes to this area of my marriage that I need to be more intentional about.  I need to be better at helping my husband through stress.  By doing so, my husband will feel loved and our marriage will be blessed.

Will you do me a favor and ask yourself the same question I was confronted with:

Do I help my husband through stress?

When you answer, whatever the answer, will you commit with me to be a wife who is willing to go above and beyond to help her husband through stress?

If you will commit with me to being better in this area of marriage will you comment below and say “I Commit!”

I hope you have a beautiful day!

- Jennifer Smith    Unveiledwife.com

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of a blog post about marriage in the Linky below. And be sure to link back here so that other people can read this great marriage advice!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Wifey Wednesday: Do You Help Your Husband Through Stress? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Wifey Wednesday: 4 Reasons Why Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love
Wifey Wednesday: Helping Your Husband Feel Strong

Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

Do you want to make your husband’s Christmas Super Fun (and maybe a little bit HOT?) Get him some sexy stocking stuffers you know he’ll love (and that don’t have to cost very much, either!). After all, it’s the thought that counts–especially if your thoughts go in a certain direction!

My most pinned post ever was last year’s Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband. I had a section  for sexy stocking stuffers, but I thought I’d add to it and turn it into a post here, because I know many of you are looking for ideas to keep your marriage fresh and fun.

So here goes!

1. Honey I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight  Coupons – FREE

I’ve got some other downloadable hot coupons you can print out and put in his stocking–coupons like “Night of Passion”, “Quickie”, and “A Hunting I Will Go”. You get them free when you sign up for my marriage newsletter!

2. Romance Toolkit - $4.99

Want more romance in your marriage? Here’s a collection of awesome printables to put in his stocking–inviting him to different romantic date nights! Turn your marriage from boring to blazing!

3. 31 Days to Great Sex: ebook- $4.99, paperback $12

What man isn’t going to like getting a copy of 31 Days to Great Sex? It takes you through 31 days with short readings and then a challenge to help you grow more intimate, communicate more, and spice up your love life! You can either buy the ebook (much cheaper) or the paperback.

But how can you give an ebook in a stocking? Well, great news! I’ve got coupons now that you can download and print out to put right in there. There’s a link in the book that takes you right to the coupons, but you can find them here. Here’s a very small version of one of the coupons:

He’ll love it! You can buy it either on Kindle or as a .pdf (read on your iPhone, iPad, any ereader, computer, or print it out!). Or get it as a paperback. Read more about it here.

4. Deck of Dares Printables – $6.99

Want to spice up your marriage? Here are 40 sexy dares that you can do together! Purchase the download, and then you can print them out to put in his stocking. Or you can dole them out one by one….”Wanna do this tonight?” Great to enhance any marriage TASTEFULLY without delving into anything gross. Check them out here!

5. Dice

What’s sexy about dice, you ask? You can play the dice game! Assign a body part to each number, 1-6 (lips, neck, ears, breasts, etc. etc. Get as racy as you want). Then assign an action to each number, 1-6 (lick, suck, stroke, etc.). Then roll the dice, and do what it says!

You can also add another dice for the number of minutes (or the number of 30-second intervals, whatever you’d prefer).

Here’s how it works in a stocking. In a ziploc bag, put two (or three) dice of different colours. Then write out the Dice Game instructions on an index card and put some lipstick kisses around the card. Stick the card in the bag, and you’re all done!

6. Sensual Massage Candle – $9.59

These are awesome! You light them, and then the candle melts. But the “wax” is actually a massage oil that won’t burn your skin. So you can pour it on him, or he could pour it on you, and you can massage it in.

7. Sensual Massage Oil – $14.49

I’m more a candle person, but massage oil can’t be beaten, either! Here’s a great massage oil from Body Shop with scents to help you feel frisky. Added benefit: we women often feel more in the mood if things are dragged out a bit. Show him that massaging you helps you relax and helps you focus.

8. Sexy Red Thong – $3.99

What guy doesn’t want a sneak peak of what you may be wearing later, so he can imagine it? Even if you don’t like wearing thongs during the day, it can be fun to put one for a few minutes (chances are it won’t stay on long).

9. Funny Sexy Christmas Boxer Shorts – $19

The sayings on these are kinda cute. And they will definitely help you get into the spirit of things!

10. Playing Cards for Strip Poker – $4.48

Put a deck of cards in a bag, and then write on the outside: How About a Game of Strip Poker? The greatest game where the loser doesn’t really lose.

11. Sexy Apron – $29.95

Pin a note to it saying, “how about I whip you up something special, wearing just this.”

12. Old Spice Soap – $6.15 (2-pack)

Tape a little note to the soap saying, “Let me wash all your troubles away.”

13. Nautica Cologne for Men – $9.99

Who doesn’t like their man smelling a little sexy?

14. Kenneth Cole Black Cologne – $32.19

Is your man more discriminating? Here’s a classier cologne.

15. Whipped Cream

Use it however you’d like! The promise is awfully fun.

16. Gourmet Chocolate Sauce - $10.95

Make your bedroom fun delicious!

17. Hershey’s Kisses, Dark Chocolate – $6.76

Take them out of the bag and sprinkle them throughout the stocking. You can’t go wrong with dark chocolate.

18. “Skor” Chocolate Bar or “Mr. Big” Chocolate Bar

Get him a chocolate bar with a name that could be a double entendre and leave a nice note on it. Something like “You’re going to Skor tonight!”, or “You’re my Mr. Big”. Thanks to a Facebook commenter for that idea!

19. Lips Temporary Tattoos – $6.63

These stick on with water and come off with baby oil. Put them in his stocking with a note: “I’m going to put these on areas of my body that need attention. Then you get to play Seek & Find!”

20. Coupon for a Hotel Room

If you want something really special, how about booking a night in a hotel where you can get away? Or, alternatively, ask your parents or a friend to take the kids for a night so you can spend the evening at home together–alone.

Put the coupon in an envelope and write on the outside: “So excited to have you for a night all to myself!”

There you have it–20 ideas that will make this holiday really memorable. Give him a gift you BOTH will enjoy, and that will add some flirty play back into your marriage! And I just want to point out that you don’t have to be gross to be sexy. When it’s just the two of you, you can have a ton of fun without indulging in a lot of the weird stuff our culture says is sexy.

Do you have any other great ideas for sexy stocking stuffers? Leave them in the comments!

The post Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband
Stocking Stuffers for Your Wife
Need Christmas Gifts or Stocking Stuffers Under $10?

Reader Question: My Husband Wakes me Up for Sex

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at it. Here’s a difficult situation, where a woman asks, “my husband wakes me up for sex. Is that really reasonable?”

I may be being a bit selfish here, so I need to ask your opinion. We just had another baby a few weeks ago. Now there will be times when I initiate and my husband says no, which I am okay with. But then he will want to a few minutes later. Now this doesn’t seem like it should be an issue, but for example, today I had to go to work and knew I would be leaving in a half an hour. I offered for us to have a quickie before I had to go. He said he was okay. Then right before I had to leave, he asked if we could go in the bedroom. I got frustrated but didn’t want to deny him which of course killed the mood for him and he got frustrated.

Also our baby isn’t sleeping through the night yet. When we go to bed I am normally pretty tired already, I initiate and he normally wants to, but there are nights where he doesn’t…when I initiate, then as soon as I fall asleep, he wakes me up and says he is horny (or he will wake me up early in the morning around 5. I am a sound sleeper so I normally sleep through it and he’ll make comments about how I didn’t wake up to have sex).

I don’t want to deny, but it is so frustrating and I feel like he isn’t being at those times considerate. How can I communicate this to him in a loving way? Or am I being in-considerate? Any tips or help?

Let’s paint this picture a little more: They have a newborn. She offers him sex frequently, and he sometimes says no. Then he’ll come back and ask for sex at a really inconvenient time, and get annoyed when she doesn’t wake up.

Wow, there are a lot of issues here which make me a little uncomfortable, so let’s start with some fundamentals.

First Principles About Sex in Marriage
Sex Should Be Mutual

Sex isn’t just about using each other for your own pleasure. Sex is about sharing something together. It isn’t just physical; it’s also emotional and spiritual as well. That doesn’t mean that every time you have sex that the earth has to move for both of you, but it is about sharing something together, not using someone. There’s one part of the letter which could be taken in two ways; I’m not sure if she’s saying she sleeps through the times he ASKS her for sex, or if she’s saying she sleeps through sex. If he is having sex with her while she is asleep, that concerns me greatly. There is no consent going on, and there is absolutely no mutuality.

I’ve written more about how sex should be mutual here.

To Say “Not Now” is Not the Same as To Refuse or Deny

We aren’t to deny our spouses (I’ve written a three-part series on what that means as well). But it is not denying to say no to sex when you’re late for work, especially if you had given him the opportunity thirty minutes earlier. We are not obligated to act as if we’re at our husband’s beck and call sexually, with no regard to our feelings or our needs. Again, sex should be mutual.

Respect Should Be the Cornerstone of any Relationship

And what does respect mean? It means that you value the person as a person. You don’t view your spouse simply through the lens of what they can do for you; you hold them in high esteem based on who they are. If a spouse is asking for sex while you’re passed out cold because you’re exhausted with a newborn, and then getting cranky about that, or demanding sex right before you have to leave, that does not show respect.

Sure, playing “beat the clock” when you’re both into it and it’s something you’re laughing about together is one thing. Having someone consistently ask for sex at the worst possible times, even when they know it’s a bad time, is something else entirely.

Self-Control is a Christian Virtue and a Fruit of the Spirit

Asking someone to wait twelve hours until you can both enjoy it and both be there mentally and physically is not unreasonable. Again, you’re not saying “no”. You’re saying “not now, but soon.”

Those are some foundational principles. Now, with that background, what would I say to this woman?

Create a Relationship that is Mutual and Respectful

It seems to me that there’s a really unhealthy dynamic being set up in this marriage. They both seem to have this idea that when he wants sex, she should not say no, even if it’s inconvenient. He’s come to expect that, and he expresses displeasure if she says no (even though he often says no to her). This makes her into a sexual object, not a person.

Ladies, I talk so much on this blog about how we need to initiate more, and how we should be having sex frequently, both for him, but also for ourselves. I talk about how men need it. But I absolutely do not believe that this means that you should let yourself become an object to him. That isn’t glorifying to God or helpful to your husband or your kids.

What does God want? He wants each of us to resemble Jesus more and more. According to Romans 8:29, it’s His will that we should be transformed into the likeness of Jesus. We should be looking more and more like Him.

If you are allowing your husband to treat you with disrespect, you are encouraging him to look less like Jesus.

You are setting up a dynamic in your marriage where your feelings and your needs are considered unimportant. Do that for long enough, and it will be easy for your husband to overlook you as a person, and see you only in terms of what you can do for him. And that is not a healthy dynamic for the kids to witness.

You can’t DEMAND respect, but you can COMMAND it.

Certain people we automatically have respect for. Others we tend to discount. The difference is usually in the way the person acts. It sounds like this couple has set up a dynamic where he thinks he can get whatever he wants whenever, without thinking about her at all. And the reason that he thinks that is that she has allowed him to treat her that way. Becoming a sexual object for your husband does not point either of you in the direction of Christ.

So how would I handle this? I would begin by starting to be very forthright. This woman hasn’t been happy with the way things are, but she also hasn’t said very much about it. He has expressed his displeasure; she doesn’t mention expressing hers. In fact, the whole tone of her letter (and I edited some out) seemed to be, “do I have a right to feel a little bit upset, and to ask him not to do this?”

Let’s practice this. It’s 10 p.m., and you’re heading to bed because you know the baby will need to eat in a few hours and you need to get some sleep. So you say to your husband,

“I’m going upstairs now. If you want to come, I’d love it, because I’d love to have some fun with you tonight. But I really need sleep, so it’s now or never baby!”

You can say it in a fun way, but be very clear: you will not be making love in the middle of the night because you need to sleep.

If you’re willing to have a “quickie” during the day, and you offer and he says no, that’s fine. But then if he comes back half an hour later, at a time that is really inconvenient, you simply say,

“I’m sorry, babe, but you missed your chance! I’ll try to find some time tomorrow.”

Start saying this enough, and he’ll start taking you seriously when you initiate, realizing that it’s now or never.

Will he be upset? Perhaps. That’s okay. He’s allowed to have his feelings, after all. But you’re allowed to have yours, too, and you can talk about it, and just say,

“I want to have a great sex life, and you are an amazing lover. But there are other things I need to get done, too, and I need my sleep. So let’s look at how we can find times to make love where it’s for both of us, not just for you, and where I can still get the sleep that I need.”

If he continues to be upset, then you need to let him have space to have his feelings. But it is not okay to set up a dynamic where you become an object, rather than a human being with real needs.

One more thing: I would not be being this harsh about this had she not also said that she initiates frequently and says yes frequently. I do believe that your needs are important, but so are his, and having a regular, active sex life is a legitimate need. So don’t take any of this advice to mean, “Great! It’s okay to say no every single time I’m tired!”, especially if you’re tired every night. I’m just saying that in the context of a marriage where there is regular, frequent sex, let’s make sure that we’ve got lots of respect going on, and that sex is totally a mutual thing.

I’d love your thoughts now, too! What do you think about a husband who wakes you up for sex frequently? How do you handle that? Let me know in the comments!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more