Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 222

A 7 Step Plan for Financial Freedom

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week, in light of the Christmas season and our spending habits, I want to share seven ways to help avoid financial stress. 

UPDATE: I wrote this for a secular audience, but it really should have an 8th: Tithe. No matter what your financial situation, give 10% off of the top. We have always done that (and made our goals higher than 10%), and it is amazing how God has always blessed us. It also helps you keep the right perspective and not be so caught up in money, but instead excited about what God is doing in your community and around the world.

Christmas isn’t the only thing that’s fast approaching. So is indigestion, and not just because you had to eat Aunt Ruth’s lumpy mashed potatoes. It’s because after Christmas comes all the credit card bills, and those can cast a pallor over the whole season.

So I thought today I’d share seven quick tidbits that, if properly followed, can help us avoid financial stress.

One: only go into debt for four things: a house, a car, education, or to start a business.

Even some of those are debatable: it’s usually not worth $40,000 in debt for a Philosophy degree, and many people can save and buy a used car without debt. Nevertheless, these are the four things where debt may be necessary. Notice that Christmas isn’t on the list!

Two: Know your financial situation.

If you don’t know your income and expenses you can’t budget and you can’t plan, and that means debt is almost inevitable. So add up all of your assets (like a house, a car, savings) and all of your debts (credit cards, lines of credit), and the difference is your net worth. Then figure out your income and your expenses. If you own a business and don’t have a regular income, check your net income on your tax returns for the last three years. The average of that is likely pretty close to your income. Divide that by twelve, and now you have your monthly income.

Three: Make a budget.

Know how much you’re going to spend in each category on a monthly basis. Then spend cash, not credit. Stash cash in envelopes for food, entertainment, miscellaneous, etc. Include in that budget money for debt repayment, and repay debt, starting with the highest interest debt, as fast as you can.

Four: Create an emergency savings fund.

Once your debt is paid off, save the equivalent of three months’ income and put it in a savings account or money market account where it’s easy to access. That way, if you ever are out of work for a time, due to a layoff, an accident, or a family emergency, you won’t have to borrow money.

Five: Start saving for the long term.

Now that you have your safety net, take at least 10% off the top of your income and invest it in an RRSP. Pay yourself first through an automatic monthly contribution so that you’re not waiting until the end of the month to save “whatever’s left”.

Six: Budget for upcoming big expenses.

Let’s say you want to send your kids to camp next summer, but that will cost $1000. You’re unlikely to have $1000 in July, so budget for it throughout the year. Similarly, if you need $1000 for Christmas, don’t think that will magically appear in December. Let’s say you also want to take a cruise next year that’s $3000, and you want to buy clothes over the course of the year for the family for about $1000. Add that up and you need $6000, or $500 a month in savings.

If you will need another car in three years, and you want to spend about $15,000, you need to save $5000 a year. So add another $417 in savings every month, for a total of $917. Set up an automatic payment into a savings account for that amount on a monthly basis. If that price tag sounds too steep, remember: If you can’t afford to pay for it beforehand, you certainly can’t afford to pay for it after the fact, when you’ll end up doling out interest, too!

Seven: Finally, here’s the clincher. Don’t buy stuff you can’t afford.

The stress isn’t worth it. And the freedom that comes from being out of debt and having a financial plan? That’s something money can’t buy.

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My daughter actually wrote on this same topic this week, although she was writing from the perspective of how to budget as a student. I love her idea of the separate accounts. Check out how to save money as a student.

The post A 7 Step Plan for Financial Freedom appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Wifey Wednesday: Talk About Your Christmas Expectations NOW

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below! Today I want to talk about stress in marriage.

By 4 a.m. on Christmas morning, my brother-in-law’s house is bustling. Wrapping paper is flying, Christmas music is playing, and laughter is bubbling.

But it’s not the kids who wake everyone up at 4. It’s my brother-in-law. He does Christmas BIG.

My house is very different. We try to sleep in until at least 8 (I’ve got teenagers, after all), and then we do stockings and get out the hot chocolate and take things very leisurely.

Much as I love my brother-in-law, I’d be driven nuts if I were married to him, because I just could never get that excited about presents. He, on the other hand, would likely be driven nuts by me because I’d be throwing a damper on Christmas.

Do you and your husband see eye to eye on Christmas, or do you do the Christmas Clash? I had a wife tell me once that her husband bought her a digital bathroom scale for Christmas, which has to be the Worst Gift Ever. If your husband buys awful Christmas presents, especially if you drove yourself to exhaustion all month getting things perfect for Christmas, you’d likely be pretty ticked.

Want to avoid that ticked off Christmas morning feeling? Get proactive and do something about it now! Here are just a few thoughts:

1. To Avoid Awful Christmas Presents, Lay Out What You Expect for a Gift

If gifts are important to you, tell him what you expect. In detail. Don’t expect him to read your mind! Maybe you’ve been hinting for months that you want a Keurig coffee maker or a Kindle, but he hasn’t really picked up on it. A lot of guys don’t. I firmly believe in making it easy for people to buy me gifts. Here are just a couple of ways to simplify things:

Create a Wish Liston Amazon and add anything you would actually like. They don’t even have to buy it at Amazon, but it’s an easy way for your husband, kids, parents, or friends to see everything, all at once, that you would enjoy.
Start a Pinterest Board called “Gifts I’d Like”. You can’t get easier than that!
Tell your best friend in detail what you’d like, and then tell your husband to ask her advice. Ditto for children, if your kids are older. My youngest daughter knows a number of possible gifts I’d like for her to tell her dad (and her sister!)

And have an honest conversation about it, too, where you agree on how much you’ll each spend on each other. If debt is a problem for you, and he’s really dedicated to paying it off, then he may honestly feel that it’s not right to spend $100 or more on something for you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you; it may just be that he wants to be responsible. If you each agree to a spending limit, then there’s less likelihood of a big surprise (like you buy him a 4 wheeler and he gets you a blender).

My husband and I have the opposite problem. I’m really not big on gifts (gifts are a NEGATIVE love language; on the whole I’d rather not get them because I feel obligated or awkward, and I buy myself the stuff I do want anyway). So when I tell my husband to NOT get me anything, and we agree that we won’t, I often stick to it, but he doesn’t. And then it’s awkward all over again.

I’ve had to ask him to be totally honest with me about whether he’s planning on getting anything, and how much he wants to spend, so that I can then try to be creative with gift ideas for him. I think I’ve made his Christmas less fun in the past because I can be a bit of a Scrooge, so I’ve tried to get myself more “in the mood” over the last few years.

2. The Person Who Cares About It More Should Take Responsibility For It

Here’s another scenario: you have visions of the family Christmas carolling, and baking cookies, and going out shopping, you with half the kids and him with half the kids, as you work through a list together. At the end you’ll meet up for some hot cocoa in the mall, and you’ll have the kids sit on Santa’s knee. It’ll be wonderful!

But he really doesn’t want to go to the mall. He doesn’t care much about baking. Sure, he likes Christmas, but he’s tired, and he’d rather do his Christmas shopping in a hurry, without the kids to drag along.

Or perhaps you have a Christmas card list of 150 people, including many of HIS old university friends, and you’d really like it if he would sit down and do the Christmas cards with you, or at least address the envelopes. But it’s like pulling teeth.

Do you get mad at him for it?

I think that’s a little unfair. You have one vision of Christmas that involves a lot of activity, but he has another vision. And one of the things that we often get most upset about our spouse for is that they’re not excited about the things we’re excited about.

We want them to FEEL it, not just DO it.

That’s asking too much. If it means more to you, then you should take more responsibility for it. It’s not fair to ask him to be excited about something he’s just not excited about.

Now, if there are a whole bunch of things that must be done, like buying presents for his nieces and nephews and parents, or picking up all the groceries for the big dinner you’re cooking, or mailing packages, it’s perfectly reasonable to sit down and list all the things that need to be done and then divvy it up. But it’s not reasonable to ask him to do things that are “extras”–and Christmas cards and sitting on Santa’s lap are extras, even if it doesn’t seem that way to you–and to be excited about it. He may see Christmas in a very different way from you, and that’s honestly okay.

3. Create New Christmas Traditions

If you both approach Christmas differently, then what about finding a third way–another way to do Christmas that’s different from what either of you envisioned? One thing that our family has done for the last few years is Board Game Boxing Day, where we stay in our pjs all day and go through the board games we have (I usually buy a new one for the family each year). It’s really fun! And it’s not something either of  us did as kids.

Another big tradition is the Christmas Eve service. It seems like all of us are involved in one way or another–my girls with music (and sometimes me), or any of the four of us in drama. So Christmas Eve has become not about presents at all, but about church and worship, and it’s wonderful. Now we have that to look forward to.

For many families, the biggest source of tension is that you CAN’T seem to create your own traditions because you’re expected to play musical chairs all through the holidays, visiting everyone’s family and never being at home. And if divorce was a factor in your parents’ marriages, it’s even more complicated.

Pick a time when you’re not stressed, sit down with your hubby over coffee, and ask, “what do we really want our Christmas schedule to look like?” Jessica Fisher, author of A Simpler Season, suggests that you always spend Christmas at home, and then alternate years when you visit one family or the other. Or you could even visit both families one year, and the following year spend entirely at home. I think those are great ideas! Talk it through with your hubby and see what you can come up with so that you both can look forward to Christmas. Sometimes one of the reasons we dread the season is all of the traveling. It’s okay to sometimes say no.

4. Leave Some Space to Breathe

Perhaps the most important thing about Christmas–leave some space somewhere to breathe–to have fun as a couple, and a family. To sit around in your pyjamas. To think about the meaning of the season. To not be rushing around to everyone’s houses trying to visit family, and you leave no time to enjoy your own.

You’re much less likely to be annoyed with your hubby if you have some downtime to spend with him. If you need some help with all this, the ebook A Simpler Season helps you think through what’s really important, and comes with tons of planning sheets to help you focus on what’s meaningful, and let the other stuff not take as much time.

When you’re making your Christmas plans, then, remember that your marriage is more important than all of this fuss. Make sure you do things this month to make your marriage smoother, not to put bumps on the road. And if that means doing Christmas smaller, do it. If it means doing Christmas bigger (like it does for me!), then do that too. But in all, keep the focus where it should be: that we have a loving God who left Paradise to live among us, so that He could make a way for us to live forever with Him. That’s a wonderful thing to celebrate, and don’t let bathroom scales steal that joy.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of a blog post about marriage in the Linky below. And be sure to link back here so that other people can read this great marriage advice!

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The post Wifey Wednesday: Talk About Your Christmas Expectations NOW appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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On Teens, Christmas, Pride in my Daughter, and a Great CANADIAN Staples Giveaway

I have a bunch of things to share with you today, along with a cool giveaway.

First, as many of you long-time readers know, my oldest daughter left for university this year. So I’m a partial-empty-nester. She’s doing wonderfully, but it’s hard on the rest of us (especially her younger sister) because we really miss her.

In the midst of writing papers and making friends, though, she’s decided to start a blog. And her post last week was really good (and got a lot of traffic). She’s asking, “are we more concerned with appearing to be Christian that we forget to show Christ?” Go check it out (and leave her a comment to encourage her!).

See! There’s hope for teenagers yet.

Yet teens can pose a bit of a conundrum around this time of year because they’re awfully hard to buy Christmas presents for. One of the most popular posts on the blog right now (it’s my most pinned post ever!) is Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband. I guess people really want gift ideas. Kids are much easier (just get them toys!), but once a kid hits 11 or 12 gift giving becomes more complicated.

So when Staples approached me recently and asked me to write about things you can buy your teenagers (or other kids at heart), I was excited to do it. I thought it was time my teenagers get some equal treatment, and I was hoping that, while shopping, something would occur to me.

I actually spend a lot of time in Staples stores, because I buy a lot of office supplies. But one of the reasons I like stores like Staples at Christmas is because they tend to be stand alone stores, not in a mall. And you can’t even park in our mall parking lot right about now. It’s ridiculous. I hate malls in December, but big stores I can still usually handle.

So armed with the gift card they sent me, I decided to take my youngest daughter along so that I would have a teenage “expert” and ask, “what would teens like here?”

The first thing we saw was this gumball machine. The thought of it makes my jaw hurt, but Katie agreed: kids would like this.

We found really cute organizers that any girl at least would want in a stocking:

In fact, we found a whole lot of cute things that you could use to buy for a teen, often really inexpensively.

Okay, the camera isn’t cheap. But cameras DO make a great gift (albeit not just a stocking stuffer), and they’re quite inexpensive now. The first digital camera I bought, back in 1999, was $1000. It’s hard to believe now.

Anyway, we actually decided against all that and got very practical instead. When Rebecca left for university we helped her select a new computer desk, chair, home office equipment, etc. But Katie really hadn’t gotten anything. And so while we were in Staples, she announced that what she could really use is a computer desk chair. Since we homeschool, she does all her work at her desk, all day. And she’s currently using an old dining room chair.

She tried about a bunch of chairs (checking them out for spinnability, of course).

And that’s what we settled on. I think getting something to make a teen’s home office more comfortable is a great idea for Christmas, because it’s something that will prove handy for years to come (she can take that chair with her when she goes to join her sister) and it’s something they can actually use now to make their lives better. It isn’t a fad they’ll use for a few weeks and then forget about.

Speaking of handy, one of the things that can make a huge difference in a home office setup is a quality router for your internet and wireless devices. I really need to buy one of these desperately, along with a wireless printer, because to print stuff out I have to cart my laptop upstairs, plug it in to the printer, and print, which is hassle. Katie’s even worse; her computer isn’t compatible with our printer, so she has to email a file to herself, then open her email on my computer and cart my computer up to the printer. So we’re looking at saving some money up so we can go totally wireless soon. I’m asking for a wireless printer for Christmas, and then a router like this will help the internet, and the printer, and even our Wii that hooks up to the internet, work much better.

Here’s a picture I took of one, but it’s so blurry. I seriously have issues taking pictures with iPhones. I guess I’m used to the built-in stabilizer in my camera!

So here’s a better picture with description from the Staples website:

They have a whole bunch of different routers, but they’ll likely make your internet run faster, and help you hook up all your different devices.

Staples has generously offered to give away a FREE router (under $100) to any Canadian–so only Canadians can enter. You can choose any router up to $100 from this page.

I’ll be drawing for a winner on December 10, so enter now!

For those of you who aren’t Canadian, sorry you’re excluded from this one, but we Canadians often are excluded from most giveaways, so it’s nice to have one that’s just for us.

Now, be careful at those malls, and may your Christmas shopping go quickly and easily.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

I received the chair that we purchased for Katie for free from Staples. Thanks, Staples!

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The post On Teens, Christmas, Pride in my Daughter, and a Great CANADIAN Staples Giveaway appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Reader Question: We Work Opposite Shifts!

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Last week I was talking about how to feel like a unit when you both have seemingly separate lives–you both have jobs or responsibilities that lead you in opposite directions through the day, and how do you keep feeling like you’re on the same page?

A number of people left comments and sent emails after that with a slightly different–and more difficult–problem. They didn’t just do different things during the day. They never saw each other because they worked different shifts!

Here’s an example:

My husband and I have three kids under 5, and we’re barely making ends meet. He works as a security guard in the evenings (like usually 3-midnight), and I work varying shifts in retail. We try to make it so that we don’t work at the same time so that someone is home with the kids, because we can’t afford daycare and I don’t have any family I’d trust to look after my kids (our families aren’t the greatest). I just feel like we don’t even know each other anymore. Life just feels like it’s nothing but work. What do we do?

That’s really a tough one, but before I tackle it, I just want to take a brief time out and remind all my readers that this is the LAST day you will ever be able to pick up the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle! At midnight EST tonight the sale ends, and all of these books and goodies will never be bundled together like this again.

Here’s what you get:

86 ebooks, $29.97.
Plus mentorship in a 12-week online course
Plus $150 in freebies!

Want more information?

Here’s me sharing how this has made a difference to me personally
Here’s information on how to use the bundle as inexpensive Christmas presents
Here’s some great info on some of my favourite food books
and here’s the FAQ which tells you how to put ebooks on your ereader or computer, etc.

It’s really an awesome deal, and you don’t want to miss it!

Okay,  let’s get back to the question at hand. Here are a few thoughts I have, along with some great advice that people on Facebook left when I asked this question last week!

Keep in Communication Throughout the Day

Text each other on breaks. Tell each other when things happen, even if they’re little things. Let each other know what kind of day you’re having–happy, sad, tired. One of the problems with not seeing each other very much is that you decide that when you DO see each other, you want it to be low stress and fun. And you don’t want to add more guilt to someone’s day.

Thus, we don’t always share the bad stuff.

When we’re feeling blue, we don’t tell him, because we want to stay upbeat.

That’s very kind in a way, but it’s also counterproductive. Part of being married is that you’re supposed to be able to support each other. If you feel like your husband doesn’t actually know what’s going on in your life, then you’ll feel like you’re even further apart. It will drive more of a wedge between you.

You can find ways to share about your mood or your day without adding guilt, or without saying, “It’s your fault”. Something like this:

Just really tired today and the kids seem awfully whiny. Trying to count my blessings, and you’re top of the list.

See? He knows you’re tired, but it’s also apparent that you’re not blaming him.

Use a System to Fill Each Other in On Key Things

Several Facebook readers recommended a notebook where you could fill each other in on important details about your life. If someone went to the dentist and has cavities; if you went to the parent-teacher meeting and heard something wonderful about your daughter; if you stopped by a store and picked up something for his mom’s birthday; write these things all down in the notebook.

Then, when he’s off shift he reads it, and he knows what you did. And he can leave details of what he did, too!

And leave little love notes as well. Tell him that you miss him and that you love him.

Having one notebook kept in the same place that you can always check lets each of you feel like you know what’s going on. And then you’re not duplicating each other’s efforts, either!

You Can’t Work Opposite Shifts Forever

Here’s a hard one to say, and I don’t mean this to sound harsh to those of you who are living through this. But even if you take these steps, it’s very hard to maintain a healthy family life like this forever. You need to spend time together.

There was a couple very close to me who always worked opposite shifts. He worked during the day, and she waitressed at night. She’d leave for work as soon as he got home, and usually arrived home around 10:30 or 11. She tended to work on weekends. She just never saw him. He was a really involved dad, but the marriage eventually fell apart because she opened herself up to an inappropriate relationship at work.

I’m not saying you’re all going to have affairs; I’m just saying this kind of life takes a big toll on a family. It’s not healthy for your marriage, but it’s not healthy for the kids, either, because they never get to do very much as  a family, and they don’t see the two of you together.

I know sometimes this is unavoidable. I have a friend who works shift work at a factory, on six-week schedules. So for six weeks he’ll be on days, which is amazing. Then for six weeks he’ll be on overnights, which isn’t wonderful, but which isn’t too bad because he sleeps during the day and then he’s with the family in the evenings. But the six weeks of evenings are awful because they never have dinner together. However, because this is only 1/3 of the time it’s doable. A lot of nurses live with the same type of schedule–the shifts are always changing.

If it’s ALWAYS that you’re working opposite shifts, though, usually because you plan it that way for child care, it really isn’t sustainable. Here are a few thoughts:

Downsize if you can. It’s better to live in a small apartment but be together most of the time than live in a larger home or larger apartment and barely see each other.
Take a year that will be absolutely horrible and try to upgrade your skills. Take a course from a college, or get an internship, so that you may be able to get a different job that pays more and frees you both up to not have to work full-time. Having one person working full-time, and another working part-time isn’t nearly as difficult as both of you working full-time opposite shifts.
Find out if there’s anyone in your church who is really good at job placement/resumes/finding work. My mom’s a career counsellor, for instance, and she’ll often help people brainstorm about what they want to do and come up with jobs they never even thought of that they’d be qualified for or that they’d enjoy. And then she helps people write resumes and prepare for interviews. If the whole idea of job search scares you silly, ask around and find out if there’s someone in your circle who can help you with it, even if it may cost you a few hundred dollars.
Consider moving. Here’s a big one that people often overlook. If you’re both working full-time making relatively little money, chances are you’re working at jobs which would be available in almost any size city. All places have needs for security guards, retail help, cleaning staff, waitresses, truckers, etc. These aren’t jobs that require you living in a big city. We used to live in Toronto, but 14 years ago we moved to my husband’s home town. Housing here is about 1/3 the cost. If you can reduce your costs, chances are you can also reduce the hours you need to work. And you’d like in a better place, too!

So talk about these things and try to get a plan so that you can see that this is only temporary. If you’re just doing it until you pay off debt, or until you have money for a downpayment, for instance, know how long that will be, so you’re working towards an end point. Have a plan of when you will be making a change. And in the middle of it, keep communicating.

What do you think? How can you make this work? Or how could you get out of this trap? Let me know in the comments!

It's Back! The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle--this weekend only!

The post Reader Question: We Work Opposite Shifts! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is Back–This Weekend Only!

Did you miss the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle the first time it came around? We’ve heard from so many people who were disappointed they missed out earlier this month that we’re happy to announce the Encore Flash Sale for Black Friday weekend only!

What’s in the Bundle?

We took 86 eBooks (plus 1 eCourse) by popular bloggers on topics like real food & recipes, green living, natural cleaning and beauty, mental and emotional health, fitness, herbal remedies and more.

Then we added the brand new “Coffee Table Conversations,” a 12-week series of author mentorship through interactive online conference calls and private support groups.

We finished it off with 9 bonus sponsors offering you $150+ of incredible products and services to help you along your way. This includes bonuses like $25.98 of FREE eco-friendly laundry detergent from Dizolve (because we all need clean clothes).

This bonus nearly makes up for the entire cost of the bundle!

How Much Does the Bundle Cost?

For less than $30, you can pick up your own bundle complete with more than $800 of ebooks, $67 of interactive “coffee table conversations” with their authors, and $158 of products and services to help you on your way toward healthier living. That’s over a $1,000 value!Additionally, 25% of this flash sale’s proceeds go to a few of our favorite non-profit organizations… Shelter Box (specifically for Philippines relief aid), Compassion International, Hope for Women, and Love146!

But you don’t want to wait! This bundle is available for only 4 days, from 8 a.m. (EST) on Friday, November 29 to 11:59pm (EST) on Monday, December 2. After this time, this bundle will never be available for purchase again.

Get yours now for just $29.97!

(Psst… did you know that you can add on two extra bundles for the price of one? Just choose the bonus 2-for-1 option during checkout!)

Rather pay by Paypal? Do it here! (Or if you’re not from North America, this link may work better).

Why I’m Passionate About This Bundle

Last time it was on sale, in early November, I tried to read through as many books as I could in an extremely short period of time so I could tell you about some of them. Since then I’ve had time to look through all of them, and honestly, I am just so impressed.

Do I like them all? No. And not all are applicable to me (there are books for people with certain allergens, for instance). But that’s okay, because there are so many books that are just wonderful!

We’ve been walking through a difficult time at our house lately. We’re all just too busy, but I’ve also had my energy really waning. I’m severely anaemic apparently. I have major skin issues in the winter. And just all kinds of things have been hitting us that have made me feel less than 100%.

My husband and I have also been eating low fat for the last 12 years. When we started the low fat diet I was 15 pounds LIGHTER than I am today. That’s right–I’ve gained 15 pounds by “eating healthy”. I figured that it was just because I’m getting older and my metabolism was slowing, and if I hadn’t been eating low-fat, I would have gained more. So I may as well just live with it.

But after reading through all the books on Real Food I’ve totally changed my tune. I’ve been addicted to Diet Pepsi ever since I switched to the “low-fat” lifestyle. I drink 1 1/2 – 2 cans a day (yes, I often leave 1/2 a can lying around the house somewhere. It drives my husband nuts!) I don’t like that I drink Diet Pepsi because I know that the Aspartame is bad for me, but I need the caffeine and I hate coffee.

After reading through a bunch of the books, including High Protein, No Powder, and A Practical Guide to Real Food I’ve realized what I’ve been doing wrong. There’s nothing wrong with fats–as long as they’re the right kind! In fact, eating things that are “low-fat” or that are “low-calorie” is actually a really bad idea, because they have to use chemicals to remove the fat and to sweeten without sugar. And those chemicals trigger weight gain (along with other things).

On the other hand, using coconut oil (which is very high in a GOOD kind of fat) stimulates the metabolism and helps you burn calories. Who knew? Coconut oil seems like a miracle thing–I’ve had so many people recommend it as a lubricant, but I never realized that eating it was also so healthy.

Then there are all the books on cleaning! I must admit I love two things: crafts, and being frugal. I never realized you could make so many awesome cleaning products just with stuff lying around your house. In the book From Garbage to Gourmet, which tells you how to NOT waste the 25% of food most of us throw out, she recommends sticking citrus peels in vinegar for a month, and then straining it and using it as an all-purpose cleaner for tough jobs (or diluting it for regular jobs).

 

I put mine on to soak before the last sale began, and yesterday I decided to try it out. I strained it and put it in a spray bottle. Now vinegar isn’t a degreaser, but citrus is. And I sprayed this on my range hood, where grease and dust build up, and it wiped it away so easily! I love this stuff.

There are several other books with easy recipes for cleaning products, and I’m heading out today to buy some more spray bottles so I can make them up. I’m really excited, because they smell wonderful, and I know there are no chemicals. And they’re cheap! I’m actually looking for some really pretty glass bottles and I’m considering making some up for Christmas presents.

Then, of course, there are the books that help you get more disciplined, more organized, and get control of your life. I talked about some of those last time around (like One Bite at a Time or 21 Days to a More Disciplined Life), and I really do love those.

Most of all, though, I’m just excited to change the way we eat and the way we clean. I’m not a health nut; I’m very environmentally friendly (I compost, I used cloth diapers, I never buy paper towel or cotton balls because I use rags and flannel squares), but that’s more because I’m cheap than anything else. But I just find all of this so FUN.

I know a lot of you missed the bundle last time around, but you don’t want to do it this time. It really is an awesome deal, and you’ll spend hours going through the books and getting inspiration. I know I am!

What’s Included in the eBook Library? ($800+ value)

For a complete list of books, see here. But you can look at them below!

 

What are Coffee Table Conversations? ($67 value)

For 12 weeks starting in January 2014, we’ll offer a series of weekly one-hour live conference calls, where you can join in and ask your questions on relevant and timely healthy living topics to a panel of eBook authors.

Click here for more information.

What are the Healthy Living Bonus Offers? ($150+ value)

For a complete list of all the freebies, click here.

Rather pay by Paypal? Do it here! (Or if you’re not from North America, this link may work better).

 

Here’s how excited I am about the value in this bundle:

Important stuff you might want to know

Read the fine print. The details matter!
Check out our Frequently Asked Question page, particularly to learn about file types, how downloading works, transferring to eReader devices, redeeming bonus offers, and all that good stuff.
Remember, this bundle is available for only 4 days, from 8 a.m. (EST) on Friday, November 29 to 11:59pm (EST) on Monday, December 2. After that, this particular bundle will never be available for purchase again.


Affiliate disclaimer: I am an affiliate for the Ultimate Bundle and for some individual items.

I know you’re going to love this bundle, so pick one up today! Many of you missed it when it was offered earlier this month, but don’t miss it this time! I’ve incorporated so many of the awesome tips in the books into my daily life, and it’s so fun! I don’t want you to regret it, because these books will never be sold together at such a low price again.

The post The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is Back–This Weekend Only! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is Here!
The Ultimate Homemaking Ebook Bundle–Hey Moms! 97 ebooks valued at $640 for 31 cents each
Don’t Miss the Christian Marriage Bundle–And More Great Weekend Links

Ending the Power of Bullies

Before we get to this week’s column, I have such an exciting announcement to make!

It’s BACK!

The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle Sale is back–this weekend only! As you’re thinking about Black Friday deals, this is one you won’t want to miss.

It was available earlier this month, and before that initial sale I went through a bunch of the books so I could tell you about them. Since the sale ended I’ve been going through a lot more of them. And I’ve found so many useful tips and hints that are changing the way I eat, the way I clean, and even the way I drink (I finally successfully gave up drinking Diet Pepsi after reading High Protein, No Powder, one of the books in the Healthy Kitchen section).

One of my favourite books is From Garbage to Gourmet. Here’s her central premise: we throw out 25% of the food we bring in the house. And it’s totally unnecessary. There are all kinds of ways that you can use the stuff you throw out! And she’s right. I used citrus peels to make some amazing cleaning products this month. And when I made chicken stock the other night, I used vegetable scraps I’d been saving instead of using a new onion, and new celery, and new carrots. And it still tasted amazing (in fact, I think it tasted better because I ended up using MORE vegetable material than normal).

With the bundle you get 86 ebooks for $29.97–plus $150 in freebies and membership in this online mentoring course which is really fun. The ebooks are totally worth it, and many of the freebies pay for themselves in the cost of the bundle.

If you meant to pick it up when it was on sale originally, but didn’t–now’s the time! It’s only available until Monday, and then this bundle will NEVER be offered again.

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week I want to talk about bullying and how we can reduce its effects on our kids.

Another horrific case of online bullying recently hit the news. Twelve-year-old Rebecca Sedwick climbed a water tower and jumped to her death after being taunted and attacked by a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old. The sheriff in Florida arrested the two instigators and released their pictures. While the charges have since been dropped, the bullies’ parents have done the news circuit.

As I watched a bit of the media circus, it became clear that these bullies were absolute losers. They weren’t going anywhere in life. And while the victim’s mother appears eloquent, these kids’ parents (one of whom has since been charged with child abuse herself) show that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

We think that the way to battle bullying is holding character classes in schools, monitoring our children’s Facebook, and encouraging intervention by school officials. But I think we’re missing a key ingredient about why bullying is so devastating: to these kids, their peer group–pathetic as it may be–is their whole life. When peers turn on them, they feel completely alone and useless.

Listening to the story in Florida, I found myself wishing that Rebecca could have had some perspective. I’m a relatively happily well-adjusted forty-something woman (notwithstanding those hormonal surges), and I never, ever talk to anyone I knew in middle school or high school. If I were to see them on the street, I doubt I’d remember who most of them were.

In school you’re thrown together, through no choice of your own, with kids of the same age. As an adult, you don’t have to restrict your friends to those born in the same calendar year, and you’re free to choose friends that you actually like. Most adults I know do not hang around with people they knew in school. Those kids, who wield so much power over you at fourteen, are forgotten at 34.

If teens could just understand that their current tormentors won’t matter at all in just a few short years, then perhaps we’d have fewer kids devastated by bullying.

What we need more than character classes, then, is to give our kids perspective. I survived high school by simply not bothering much with my peers. Although I had pleasant conversations with many classmates, I walked home for lunch everyday so I didn’t have to sit in the cafeteria. My life revolved around my church youth group and my two part-time jobs, where I worked with people of a variety of ages. I spent most of my social time outside the school, so school really didn’t matter.

Part-time jobs can help students feel confident while giving them exposure to other adults who take an interest in them. Getting involved in a place of worship helps kids get plugged in with others who were not all born in the same birth year, while also introducing them to other teens who perhaps don’t go to their school. Cultivating an area of excellence outside of the school, whether it’s in sports or music or a craft, can help kids have something else to concentrate on that can give them a sense of self-worth.

School is so unimportant in the broader scheme of things, but it’s hard for kids to see that when they’re in the throes of teenage angst. Anything we can do to enlarge their world now will diminish the power of bullies to aim those arrows. Yes, words will always hurt, but if teens know “there are other people who care about me”, “I know I am good at something”, or “these kids’ worlds are so pathetic compared to mine”, then much of the sting will be gone.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

It's Back! The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle--this weekend only!

The post Ending the Power of Bullies appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Winning the Parenting Power Struggle
Ending Violence Begins at Home
Adult Bullies and their Enablers

Wifey Wednesday: Stop Living Separate Lives!

Stop being so busy.

We hear that advice all the time–we need to cut down, we need to cut back, we need to be home more. We have to stop running around. I’ve written about it at length (like this post on why kids don’t need to be involved in every extracurricular activity under the sun). We know we’re busy.

But increasingly I’ve been wondering if the problem with busy-ness is not the busy-ness per se but instead what it represents–the fact that we are on the go so much that as a couple we start living separate lives.

That’s where I’m at in my marriage right now. My work-at-home job is busy, and his job is busy. We have minimal activities outside of work, but since I travel to speak, and he’s on call a lot, many evenings are already gone. I can cure some of the busy-ness by hiring a maid, or by getting other people to help with some aspects of our lives, but it doesn’t help the essential problem: we feel as if we’re living parallel lives, not sharing one life. At some point, it becomes hard to operate as a unit.

What I’ve realized lately is that I like having someone to take care of me–someone who can take some of the burden of decisions off of my back, and someone who can say, “it’s going to be all right.” But it’s hard to believe him if he doesn’t have the whole picture. And how can he have the whole picture if he’s not there?

This is true not just if you work at a “job”, but also if you’re busy homeschooling or in ministry or just taking care of the family. If you’re busy with things he doesn’t do, then it’s hard for him to understand your life.

It’s the same with his job. I want to help him, but it’s hard to because I don’t fully understand all that he does all day.

That, it seems to me, is the real problem. It is not just busy-ness. It is separateness.

This fact that each of us increasingly has a life outside and apart from our spouse, and often it’s hard to re-integrate them at the end of the day. I’ve written before about how seasons of distance are often the breeding grounds for major marriage problems, even if the marriage is a strong one. And so my husband and I are taking stock and trying to figure out how to not just cut down on busy-ness, but more to make sure that we are not leading separate lives.

Here, then, are some of the steps Keith and I have talked through trying to take to re-integrate our lives. I hope that this can help you avoid the “parallel lives” feeling:

1. Keep the Same Schedule

I know this won’t fly if you work opposite shifts (I’ll deal with that in Monday’s Reader Question of the Week!), but going to bed together and getting up together helps you feel so connected. Bedtime is a great time to share your day and relieve some of the stresses. I wrote last week on how practically to make your schedules fit, even if you have kids, and I hope that helps! Keith has to be up at 6:15 to go to work, so we’re going to bed early, and I’m starting my own workday at 7 (and finishing at 3). That way we’re in sync.

Frequent reader Lori commented yesterday that she and her husband get up together every morning and pray for each other every morning. Such a great idea! When you start the day together, you cement that bond and it doesn’t feel as much like it’s separate lives. That’s hard, though, because it means getting up early enough that you’re not rushed. That is possible–but it likely means also heading to bed at a much earlier hour. It’s a hard shift to make, but it’s worth it.

2. Don’t Bottle Things Up

When we have a limited amount of time together we don’t always want to bother him with our problems. I’m guilty of this–I think to myself, “I finally have time to relax with him! I don’t even want to think about work!” The danger in that, though, is that both of you can start to have no idea of what goes on in your spouse’s “other” life. You don’t have to share everything, but here’s something that can help:

Every night, share one success of the day, one worry of the day, and one prayer request for an upcoming decision/project.

It doesn’t have to take too long, but that way you’re keeping short accounts with each other, and you’re praying for each other. My assistant Holly and her husband Chris pray together every night about their various work challenges. Chris even prays for me and Keith, since we’re such a huge part of Holly’s life! I really appreciate that, and I know as Holly prays for Chris’ work challenges, it helps her feel connected to his world, too.

3. Get to Know Work Colleagues

If you can, visit your spouse at work (and have them come to your work, if you work outside the home, too). Meet his colleagues. Introduce him to yours. It’s easier to feel part of each others’ lives if you can at least picture where your spouse is everyday, and know a little bit about who they’re talking about.

4. Ask For Advice

I know the adage that you’re not supposed to fix problems, you’re just supposed to listen. We hear this all the time–men just need to listen, not try to fix. But the truth is that sometimes I WANT him to fix it. I don’t want to worry about it. I find things stressful.

Often the things that we find stressful are not necessarily stressful for someone else. I find weeding through comments stressful because I take things to heart a little too much. Keith would laugh things like that off much more easily. I told my husband about it and asked what I should do, and he told me without missing a beat that I should ban certain people. I did. And life is so much lighter! When I was homeschooling two children full-time I found teaching easy, but marking work hard. I always got behind. We talked about it and it was Keith who figured out a strategy that works.

I have issues with administration and planning, both of which he’s really good at. Sometimes the things that are eating me are things that he could solve easily, if I let him run with it.

Similarly, the things that he often obsesses over are things that I would solve quite easily.

So once a week or so, have a brainstorming session where you’re ALLOWED to fix problems, not just listen. Share the things that aggravate you about your job, or your homeschooling, or keeping the home, or whatever, and listen to his, and then just brainstorm a whole bunch of answers. You may just find an easy solution!

5. Dream and Vision Together To Make Sure You Won’t Lead Separate Lives

Finally, we may work in different spheres, but to stay a unit, we need an overarching vision of where we’re going as a family and as a couple. I’ve got some free printables you can use to talk to your spouse about how to dream big for your family. They’ll help you get on the same page and figure out where you’re going. And as you start to think about that, sometimes we’ll begin to see solutions to the “separate lives” problem.

Jay Dee, another frequent commenter, said yesterday that he’s recently gotten a lot more involved in homeschooling their kids, instead of leaving it all to his wife. He spends a bit of time catching up with the kids and with her after he’s home from work, and now does some of it. It helps him feel involved. But they got there because they talked about their vision for the family.

So figure out where you’re going. When you feel like you have a plan, then you will be leading lives together, even if you’re not together 24/7.

These are the steps Keith and I are taking more and more to stop the separateness. What are you doing?

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of a marriage post you’ve written in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so that other people can read these great marriage posts! If you’ve ever walked through this “separateness”, how did you fix it? What did you do to get on the same page? Let me know in the comments!

It's Back! The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle--this weekend only!

The post Wifey Wednesday: Stop Living Separate Lives! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Reader Question of the Week: Separate Lives
Wifey Wednesday: Separate Bedrooms?
Wifey Wednesday: 7 Ways Hollywood Messes Up Our Sex Lives

Why Women in Two-Income Families Often Feel Alone

I’m in the middle of some serious angst. I think I’m through the worst of it, but I just wanted to thank you all for your kind comments on my column last Friday–I Need a Wife. I was sharing how life was just BUSY–my writing is taking off, and my husband’s career is taking off, and I feel like I don’t have margins in my life to protect against feeling overwhelmed.

I didn’t participate in the comments section (I was trying to give myself a break this weekend!) but I did appreciate the suggestions. I think my plan will be to post on Mondays (I love the Reader Questions!), Wednesdays (Wifey Wednesday), and Fridays (my column). I may do some guest posts for Wifey Wednesday, as I’ve been doing recently, and I may even throw a guest post up on Tuesdays or Thursdays, too. And sometimes I have companies run a sponsored post, which I’ll likely do on Tuesdays or Thursdays. That’s what pays the bills, and I only take things that I think will actually help you, my readers, so I don’t want to say no to those. But I’m only going to write “big picture” things three times a week. Oh, and I’m definitely shutting down over Christmas! Thanks for giving me “permission” to do that (sometimes I need you guys to give me a kick upside the head, too).

Anyway, in all of my thinking about why I was feeling so overwhelmed, one thought occurred to me, and I thought I’d share it today.

One hundred and fifty years ago almost everyone lived on farms. The family business was the farm–and they were all in on it together. They might do different things–he may work in the fields, and she may do most of the cooking–but it was a family endeavour, and they each knew what the other was doing.

By and large, the couple spent their lives TOGETHER.

Now, a few families had other businesses, like a store. But again, it tended to be a family thing, where everyone worked at it. So they had a common goal, but perhaps more importantly, they had common experiences. They knew what was going on in each other’s lives because they were there.

As men started to leave the home to work all of that changed. Suddenly the outside world was his domain, and the home was her domain, and the “housewife” was born (which is really a rather modern phenomenon). She kept the home fires burning while the kids went to school and husband went to work. Now all the members of the family no longer had that common experience. They were each doing different things. And so advice started being given about how to help your husband deal with the stress in his job. We heard about how to listen without prying; how to support without trying to tell him what to do. We learned about being sounding boards, but also about creating a place that was a haven for him so that the stress would disappear.

Now many women work, too–or at least they have a wide range of experiences during the day as well, like homeschooling, or ministries they’re involved in.

And the problem is that this separation gets reinforced–he has his life, and she has her life, and they really don’t understand the others’ days that much.

This is where I’m at. I may work from home, but I’m still making decisions and deep in thought throughout the day, and I don’t have anyone to share that with. At least in an office situation you could bounce it off people. For those of us who work at home, we’re really dealing with much of this alone.

And it’s hard to share it. If you’re faced with stressful situations, or with decisions, or planning that you have to do, and you try to involve the spouse who doesn’t see the big picture, it’s often just frustrating. You want help, but they don’t quite get it. I know my husband often finds this frustrating, when he tries to share about decisions in his job and I don’t see all the issues. But he doesn’t see mine, either.

Here’s where the danger comes. The problem I’ve been making recently is that I have tried to keep being the sounding board for him (though I haven’t succeeded very well), but I haven’t let him be the sounding board for me. I’ve been keeping a whole lot inside. This just solidifies you feeling alone.

The couple is supposed to be a unit, but increasingly we’re not functioning like that because we’re leading very fragmented lives. If our lives don’t have much in common, it’s hard to feel that intimacy we really need, that feeling like someone has my back, I’m not in this alone, and we’ll make it through together.

So how do you foster that? That’s what I’m thinking about today, and that’s what I’ll likely write about for Wifey Wednesday tomorrow. So in the meantime, if you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them! This is something my husband and I have been talking about a lot lately, and I want to find a solution.

Thanks for your support everyone, and I’d love to hear the combined wisdom of you readers!

And now–an exciting announcement about the Black Friday Weekend.

The Bundle is Back!

The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is Back! Early in November I was telling you about an AMAZING ebook bundle plus freebies–you got 86 ebooks plus a ton of free stuff plus membership in “Coffee Table Conversations”, where you can hear experts talk about healthy living, all for just $29.97. A bunch of you took advantage of it earlier in the month, but for those of you who missed it, it’s back!

And this time around 25% of the proceeds are going to charity, mostly to the typhoon victims in the Philippines.

So stop on back on Friday or later this weekend to pick up your bundle (or ask your hubby to get it for you for Christmas!)

How YOU Can Help ME

One other thing. So many of you were so kind in the comments and asked what you could do to help. I do have a few requests! One of the things going on behind the scenes is that my agent is “shopping around” two book deals for me, and there’s definite interest from publishers. One of the things publishers like is how big my blog is. So here’s what you can do:

When you read a post you like, can you pin it or share it on Facebook? I’d love for this blog to grow even more and for more women to hear some great, down to earth but scriptural marriage advice.

The other thing going on behind the scenes is that I’m trying to plan my spring speaking tours. We’re trying to figure out what geographical areas to concentrate on, but it’s really a first come, first serve basis.

If your church is looking to host an exciting women’s event, could you mention Girl Talk to them? I’ll come and give a hilarious but very practical and inspirational talk about sex, intimacy, and marriage. You can get more information by emailing my booking agent Tim (who would love to hear from you!).

Thank you so much! And now I look forward to your comments on keeping your marriage feeling like a unit…

The post Why Women in Two-Income Families Often Feel Alone appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Are You Trying to Make it on One Income?
Wifey Wednesday: Helping Your Husband Feel Strong
Wifey Wednesday: How He Makes Me Feel Safe

Reader Question: When is it Okay to Give Up on My Marriage?

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today I’m going to do a heartbreaking one: When is it okay for me to leave my marriage? I get variations on this quite frequently, and I’ll share two with you today:

It took me a long time to figure out why I was so angry at him for so many years. It felt like he was holding back love and affection from me and that he didn’t care about or for me. Even when I tell him I would like to be hugged or touched he could barely do it. I feel rejected from my husband. Being a Christian woman I do not believe in leaving and I really do not want to. I feel like a prisoner in this relationship. I cannot leave for the commitment I made but I am dying inside with lack of affection. What am I to do? How much daily rejection can I keep taking. I touch him nicely on the shoulders or back and he acts like I am not even there. He has all sorts of “good” reasons to not be affectionate to me they all stem to something I said or did years ago.

Here’s another:

My husband has been pushing me away last November. This last June it got to the point where he wasn’t talking to me anymore and asked for more space and independence. I freaked out and took my kids to my in-laws, in another state for a long weekend to give him space. When I got back he told me that he’s been thinking about divorce or separation for a year now. At first I chased him, begging him to not leave me. Then, in the middle of summer, I started working on my relationship with God and got really close to Him. It seemed to help me emotionally, but every week there would be a set back in our relationship. Around our anniversary he got really nice and started acting like the old days again. However, after finding condoms and phone records of him talking every day to and from work to a woman he works with, our “progress” was set back 10 fold. After many talks, he’s realizing now that I’m going to look out for our young kids and myself. I’m falling out of love for him, like he says he’s not in love with me anymore. We don’t trust each other. How can this possibly work? I don’t want to disappoint God by leaving this loveless marriage. I’ve tried several things to work on my end-praying, reading my Bible, trying not to be selfish, figuring out his love language and working on that, the Love Dare, etc. Thoughts?

I can just hear the heartbreak in these women’s letters. The first woman, as far as I know, is in a loveless marriage but not necessarily in one that involves an affair. The second one looks like it does.

Is There A Sign That You’ve Tried Hard Enough–And You Can Leave?

I can’t tell you when it’s okay to leave. I don’t know both sides of the situation, and most stories are really, really complicated. That’s why I absolutely believe that if you’re walking through something this lonely and this difficult you simply must get help–a third person to talk to. Maybe that’s a counsellor, or a pastor, or a mentor. Maybe it’s even a mentor couple who can sit down with the both of you. But you really need someone who knows you in real life, who knows your husband, who understands the situation, and who can help pray with you, hold you accountable, and also tell you when it’s just too dangerous to stay (because in abusive situations, or situations where affairs or porn use have become too rampant, it just may be).

Thus, likely the first thing you should do is find that someone to talk to. I know that can be difficult, especially if you or your husband are on a leadership position in the church. But you simply must. And remember: the embarrassment of finding someone to talk to is still less than pulling the family apart when no one understands why.

Sometimes Separation is a Good Life Lesson–and Can Save a Marriage

Let’s take a situation where a guy has been texting back and forth with a woman, and refuses to give her up, but wants to stay at home. Or a situation where a guy refuses to get a job because he likes living at home, but also won’t care for the kids when he is at home. In these cases, what a guy may very well need is a kick upside the head. And the best way to give it to him, sometimes, is for reality to sink in. “What you are doing now will end the marriage.” If you continue on this path, we cannot go on.

So find that someone to talk to, and ask them to help you pray through and figure out if this is the right strategy. Separation does not always end in divorce–quite often it ends in reconciliation. When you start to both realize what it’s like to live apart, and he understands how hard it will be to live like that, he may get a new lease on life.

That’s also much of what James Dobson recommends in Love Must Be Tough, about how to help a wayward spouse understand the consequences of what they are doing. You can read more about that here.

If Your Marriage Collapses Because of Something Your Spouse Did, You Are Not a Failure

When you walked down the aisle I’m sure you never dreamed that your marriage would end. You thought you’d make it through to the end, grow old together, live happily ever after.

That was likely an important value to you. You grew up revering marriage and wanting to honour it. Many on this blog also have a Christian element to it; we know God hates divorce, and so how can we fail in this big a way? Will God be angry?

God hates divorce because of what it does to families and communities, but He does not hate the person who divorces. And He, unlike the rest of us, is also able to see to the heart. He understands the turmoil, and He knows what went in to the marriage deteriorating.

I once heard a speaker couple at a marriage retreat say that if both parties want to work to save a marriage, then that marriage has about a 95% chance of making it, no matter how big the problems are. On the other hand, if only one person wants to work to save the marriage, that marriage has a much lower chance of making it, no matter how small the problems are.

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your spouse decides that the marriage isn’t worth it. Your spouse moves on. God sees that, God understands, and God is still with you and is still carrying you, and is determined to care for your children, too. God took care of me after my parents’ divorce, and He can take care of your kids, too.

Be Wary of Searching for Justification to Leave

One word of caution, though: when we are completely and utterly miserable in our marriage, quite often we look for reasons to leave. I think that’s why many of these women write to me. They want to be told: you’ve tried hard enough, and it’s okay to leave.

But in Christian circles, the only justification for leaving tends to be adultery, abuse, or addictions. Many women close to me have tried to “blow up” their husbands habits to fit with one of these things. I had one close friend tell me her husband was an alcoholic because he had a beer every night after work. (When they split up, he didn’t increase his drinking at all, and has always been a light drinker). I had another woman tell me that her husband was verbally and emotionally abusive towards the kids because he was much harsher than she was. Yet when they split up, she somehow agreed to him getting the kids about 2/3 of the time. And I had another woman tell me that her husband, who was in counseling for a porn addiction and was now getting clean, had committed adultery with porn and thus she was justified in leaving.

Some guys do commit adultery, some are abusive, and some are addicted. But be careful of labelling your husband in one of these camps because you want to be able to say, “I had no choice but to leave”, or “I have biblical grounds.” Again, this is why having someone walk through this with you in real life is so important.

Will I Be Miserable Forever if I Don’t Leave?

I don’t know. But here’s what I do know, and this is a really, really hard thing to say, and even harder to hear: Your happiness, and your misery, is not God’s primary concern. What He really cares about is your character. Now I don’t believe that God zaps us and punishes us until we learn something important (though He does discipline us), but just because you’re miserable does not mean that you have reason to leave a covenant. I can understand the pain in the first letter writer’s words, for instance, but that does not look like divorce is the answer in that case.

There are times when you have virtually no choice, and when leaving is definitely the healthiest thing to do for all involved. But these are the MINORITY of divorces, not the majority. And the vow really does matter. I have known many marriages that were utterly miserable for ten years that turned around afterwards.

Whether or not you will be miserable forever largely depends upon what you do from this time forward. Sometimes the way forward means recognizing that you may have been contributing to the problem and driving him away, as this post shows:

Why He Won’t Meet Your Needs

Sometimes, though, it really is because he’s checked out emotionally. In that case, these posts may help:

Changing the Dynamic in Your Marriage (and changing the things you can!)

“I Messed Up“. How recognizing your own wrong (even if it’s minor) can help you change the bigger things in your marriage.

Living in a Loveless Marriage

Encouragement for Those in Tough Marriages

I know many of you are looking for a simple statement–you can leave IF he does this. But I don’t think that simple test exists. I have known marriages that have survived huge affairs and I have known marriages that have not survived an emotional texting affair. There is not a black and white answer, because every relationship is different.

These things I do know, though: God is with you, always. God wants to help you do the right thing. Having someone walk alongside you and help you see things clearly and pray for you is crucial.

So please, talk to someone in real life, and pray hard. Don’t despair. No matter what happens, it is never the end of God’s plan for your life, and He can work even in a miserable marriage, or a lonely, sad divorce.

The post Reader Question: When is it Okay to Give Up on My Marriage? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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I Need a Wife

Every Friday my column appears in a bunch of papers in Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week I talk about how margin can easily slip away with busyness.

I have always been a stay-at-home mom, but with my writing I’ve moved more and more towards “working from home”, and it’s eating so much of our margins. My husband and I are taking a weekend retreat in two weeks to pray about how to do life differently, because this isn’t what we want. At the same time, it’s difficult because we’ve felt that God was moving both of us in the direction we are now. So we’re going to put all options on the table and ask God to help us find the win-win. Sometimes all couples need to do that! And if you could pray for wisdom for us, that would be great.

I love to-do lists and organization planners. I have Excel spreadsheets for household chores and the business tasks I need to complete on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. On good days, when I don’t hit the snooze button, I actually get most of those things done.

There’s only one problem. I have no margins in my life. If I’m super organized and super energetic, it is possible to keep my house clean and to get all my work done and, hopefully, to head to the grocery store before we’re stuck discovering that all we have in the cupboards are tins of cranberry sauce and tuna. But if an emergency comes up, I’m in trouble.

My husband works more than full-time, and my writing and speaking require my full-time attention and too much travel. Because I write primarily on marriage, it’s also really hard to neglect mine, or that “hypocrite” word might get tossed around. And with my oldest now flown the coop, I’m trying to spend as much time as I can with my youngest before she leaves, too.

Life is simply busy. Pretty much everyone feels that way. But I think one of the biggest sources of stress isn’t the amount of work on our plate; it’s that nagging feeling that one more straw is going to cause the whole thing to come crashing down.

We used to have some buffer in our lives. At one time women were home to bring dinners to friends in the hospital, or to take parents to doctors’ appointments, or to care for a sister’s child if said sister caught a disgusting intestinal bug. Today few of us have people we can rely on. And what’s perhaps even worse is that we aren’t able to be there for those that we love, either.

When my cousin had a baby recently and needed help, I wasn’t in the position to go. What kind of life are we leading if we don’t have the room to be there for those that we love?

Yet my problem doesn’t stop there. What if, in all of our chaos of making more money, we’re actually missing out on a “good life”? A “good life” has to involve little touches of creativity and beauty: that home-cooked meal instead of the barbecued chicken we picked up on the way home; those refinished dressers instead of the Ikea assemble-yourself plywood; the crocheted baby afghans. One of the things I miss most lately is the joy of friends coming for dinner, an event which is quite difficult if you’re never home to cook dinner, let alone to clear a path to the dining room table.

My business started off extremely part time, but it has mushroomed, for which I am grateful. My husband is doing well at his job, for which I am proud. Yet I am not certain that this is the life I want. If I have no room for emergencies, and little room for beauty and hospitality and fun, then what is the point?

The dual income family is now the norm, and that won’t change. Certainly we could all lower our expectations and work less. The reduction in stress is likely worth the reduction in income. Yet that is not always easy to do. And in the meantime, there is no one left to “keep the homefires burning”. We women felt undervalued when we were “just housewives”, but gradually, as most women work, more and more of us are realizing just how valuable having someone at home was. That spouse didn’t just care for the kids and do the housework; that spouse gave you that buffer, that margin, that made life liveable. I can’t give up a business I’ve spent years creating, but in the meantime, I could really use a wife.

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The post I Need a Wife appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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