Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 230

Negotiating Chores with Your Husband

One of the hardest parts of marriage is figuring out who does what. Neither person wants to do more than his or her share, but if you’re always comparing yourself to your spouse, you’ll get in this downward spiral of resentment. So how do you negotiate things like who does what chore?

I wrote an article about it for Focus on the Family’s Thriving Family magazine, and it’s out now! Here’s how it begins:

Early in our marriage, our apartment often suffered from lack of attention. One morning, in frustration, I worked myself into a cleaning frenzy. Unbeknownst to me, that afternoon while I was out, my husband had the same impulse.

Over dinner we simultaneously announced, “I cleaned the whole place today!” Neither of us was amused at the other taking credit for our effort. Our misunderstanding soon became clear. To my husband, Keith, clutter mattered. To me, dirt mattered. I could walk past clutter as long as the faucets were gleaming. He, on the other hand, didn’t notice marks on the mirrors as long as the towels were neatly folded.

All of us start marriage with different ideas about what goes into running a household, and our natural tendency is to value the work we do and minimize the work our spouses do. Throughout the stages of life, our situations change and require us to renegotiate the division of chores. Each time we try to divide responsibilities, there’s potential for anger and resentment. But with the right attitude and some planning, chores don’t need to be something that drives us apart.

I invite you to read the rest here! It’s an honor to be featured there!

If you’re looking for other articles on how to split responsibilities, here are some more from this blog:

When Mr. Clean Marries Mrs. Messy

How Much is Reasonable to Expect from Your Spouse when it comes to housework?

To Love, Honor and Vacuum (the book). I deal with this at length!

And here’s some inspiration for you today:

Have you found a way to split chores with your husband that works? Let me know in the comments!

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Reader Question: My Husband Is Lazy and Won’t Get a Job

Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and then take a stab at answering it. Here’s one that I often get variations of:

My husband, whom I love very much, recently quit his job to study to get his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma). I have been very supportive and gently reminding him that he needs to study. If he doesn’t study, he turns around and blames me, saying that it’s my responsibility to get him to study. He has no handicaps or learning disabilities. I’m really busy caring for children and aging relatives, and I’m finding this very stressful. If I bring it up he gets defensive. What do I do?

It’s similar to this email that I received:

Two years ago my husband was laid off. For the first two months he tried to find another job, but he’s since given up. He sits around and plays video games all day. We lost our house and we’re living in a friend’s basement right now with our three little kids. I can’t go to work because I’m nursing a baby, but he has no motivation to get up and find a job. He just says there aren’t any out there, but if I tell him about places that are hiring he huffs off and leaves the room.

This is a tough one, because we can’t force someone to do what we want them to do, but at the same time it sounds as if these men are not fulfilling a basic role that is agreed upon when you get married: I will work to make a life together.

So let me offer a few thoughts today for those of you who feel that your husband is lazy and isn’t helping the family.

Working (Having a Job) is Part of the Marriage Contract

Perhaps we don’t vow it in the same that we vow “forsaking all others”, but it’s implicitly understood in the marriage contract that we are a team that will now be independent and care for ourselves. This doesn’t mean that both of you will work outside the home; but it does mean that both of you will WORK: One of you may work a paid job, and the other may be home caring for children and the home, but in general, both of you are contributing to the family.

I really don’t think that anyone would disagree with that, unless they think that the government should be paying their way. We know that we each have responsibilities in marriage.

I imagine that if you talked to these two men they would likely agree in principle, too. They would simply tell you why for them that won’t work: there are no jobs out there for my skill level; I’m not a “school” kind of person so I can’t study; etc. etc. They know that in general people should work; they just can tell you a million reasons why for them that isn’t true. Is your husband just lazy? Maybe. But perhaps it’s also that they’re just depressed, or scared, or nervous, and they can’t deal with that so they do nothing at all.

Does He Need Help and Encouragement?

Have you ever had to do something and the thought just scared you so much you ran away from it? It just seemed like too big a task and you didn’t even know where to begin. I know I’m like that with some areas of my house. Right now my storage room is such a mess that the thought of even beginning to clean it is overwhelming.

I think some guys are like that when it comes to studying/getting a job, too. Where do you start? The resume? Trying to find interviews? Trying to find openings? It’s staggering. And how long will it take?

And because it’s all tied up in their idea of manhood, too, it’s really scary to think about. If they try and fail it’s almost worse than not trying at all.

Perhaps you can help by talking to him and breaking it down into bite sized pieces for him. For studying for the GED, for instance, maybe you could make a schedule about what to study when. Perhaps he doesn’t even know how to begin. What I do when I’m helping my girls study is take an endpoint and then work backwards. So pick a date when he’ll write the exam, and then figure out what he has to do between now and that date, and divide it up into tiny, bite sized chunks. So today he’ll study pages 20-30 out of the GED review book for math. And then figure out a reward: once you’re done studying, we’ll all go to the park, or I’ll make cookies, or something.

With jobs it could be the same thing. Maybe he feels his resume isn’t good enough but he doesn’t know where to start. Maybe he doesn’t even know what kind of job he’s looking for. Again, break it down into small chunks, and ask yourself: which of these chunks can I do for him? Perhaps you could say to him: you call these five people that we know who may know of job openings and arrange to meet them for coffee this week, and I’ll research how to write resumes and I’ll make you a top-notch one, and ask Mr. X from church, who runs human resources for a big company, to look at it and tell us if it’s a good resume or not.

So instead of nagging him, you’re coming alongside him and cheering him on and helping him–kind of like you’re in NASCAR and he’s the race car driver, but you’re the guys who work in the pits. So you’re the one making sure everything is well oiled and he has everything he needs. You could even talk to him like this and see if it helps.

Set Deadlines and Goals

If you’ve done this, and he still isn’t motivated to do anything, then speak to him about having a deadline which, if things don’t change, you will start changing them. For instance, you could say, “If you don’t have a job by December, then in January I’m going back to work and you’ll have to look after the kids.” You can’t live on people’s charity forever. It’s just not right. You can’t live in a friend’s basement; it’s not good to live in a parent’s house forever.

Now, there would be a caveat: if he genuinely is trying, and there just simply aren’t jobs in his field right now, but there are likely to be soon, then perhaps staying in a family home for a time really is the only thing you can do. In that case, it’s not that he isn’t engaged in trying to find a job; it’s that he genuinely can’t (and that very well may be true). In the above emails, though, the problem was more that he was doing nothing to move towards that goal, and that’s a problem.

If you are going to be the one going to work, then he needs to understand what it is that he will be expected to do with the kids. Lay out a daily schedule of what needs to be done so that he sees it in black and white.

Accepting the Possibility That He May Be a Stay At Home Dad

Perhaps it could be that you need to go out and work, and he needs to stay and care for the kids. That may not be ideal, and it may not be what you wanted. Maybe you did always want to be a stay at home mom. But if you have skills right now where it’s easier for you to get a job than it is for him to get a job, or if he can only find a part-time job, so you need your income to supplement, then that may be what you need to do. You are a team, and you have to figure out a way to bring in some money.

Even if You Have a Job, A Husband Can’t Decide Not to Work

If you follow this route, though, it needs to be understood that you will not be carrying two loads. I have known women who have gone to work who have also had to  put their kids in day care because the husband wouldn’t/couldn’t look after them during the day. He found it too hard. You both need to work; one (or both) bring in money, and one (or both) care for the kids. Doing nothing should never be an option.

I have also known men who have carried two loads. They work full-time, and then they get home and she has done very little during the day except for making sure the kids were safe. The house is a mess. There is no dinner on. And that’s not fair, either. I’ve found that thinking of motherhood as a job description helps me tremendously. If he’s working, I should be, too, and vice versa. A husband shouldn’t be lazy, but neither should a wife. Staying at home with the kids is not an excuse to do nothing.

If He Doesn’t Agree, Get Outside Help

Finally, if he just doesn’t agree, or you can’t get him to put the video games down and work at something, I’d talk to a mentor couple, a pastor, or a counselor. As I wrote before, you are a spouse, you are not an enabler. If a man is refusing to do any work at all, and is acting like an adolescent, this isn’t something you can tolerate. It endangers the family; it endangers your relationship; but it also seriously endangers his own walk with God. He needs someone to come alongside him and tell him to “put up or shut up”. So read that post about how to get help if he just won’t do it.

I know this situation is tough, because so many of us are going through it. A lot of guys are really depressed in this economy, and they are feeling like they’re not worth much of anything, which can get them on a downward spiral of trying even less. It’s so hard to watch, but it’s also really hard when you’re bearing the brunt of it. As much as possible, keep working on your friendship so that you can talk about it. Express your faith in him (without babying him). But do make plans, and do set goals, and be on his team so he that he can see his way forward. Maybe he just needs someone cheering him on!

I hope that helps, and if anyone else has ever gone through this, please leave a comment and tell us how it ended up for you!

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The post Reader Question: My Husband Is Lazy and Won’t Get a Job appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Weekend Links and Inspiration

Just some quick stuff for the weekend!

Neat Articles I’ve Read

Want More Money? Have More Sex. J from Hot, Holy and Humorous reflects on a recent large-scale study showing that married couples who have sex more often also earn more. Cool!

My friend Steve Geyer asks, “Who Are You?” A thought out post on God and finding identity.

The Dating Divas have 10 Romantic At-Home Date Ideas (with free printables!)

Does your husband travel for work? My friend Courtney understands, and has a series on how to keep your marriage strong even if he’s gone a lot.

Three Things You Don’t Know about Your Kids and Sex. An EXCELLENT article talking about how kids can all too easily get sucked into porn–even at a VERY young age. Read it!

Inspiration

More posts on putting the marriage first:

Are You a Better Wife or Better Mom?

Keeping Your Bedroom Just for You

Don’t Forget the California Tomato Farmers’ Association Contest!

Just tweet about this post on how to get kids to eat tomatoes–and you could win a serrated knife and cutting board!

One More Day for the Christian Marriage Ebook Bundle

At 9 am EST the Christian marriage ebook bundle will be gone–so get it today! 5 Christian marriage books, just $7.40. And it includes 31 Days to Great Sex!

Have a wonderful Sunday!

The post Weekend Links and Inspiration appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Don’t Miss the Christian Marriage Bundle–And More Great Weekend Links

Hope you’re enjoying one of the last weekends of the summer! I know some of you already have your kids back at school (ours go back right after Labour Day), but we’ve been camping all week and soaking up the sun.

Christian Marriage Ebook Bundle

I wanted to remind you all about this awesome deal that’s on for just two more days (it ends Monday morning at 9 EST). The Bundle of The Week site every week makes a new “bundle” of 5 ebooks for $7.40, all on a particular topic. This week it’s a Christian marriage bundle! And included in it is 31 Days to Great Sex. You get:

The Wife Life by Marla Taviano

Is married life a little different than you thought it would be–or maybe a lot different? Do you wonder if something is wrong, if other people feel the same way about their marriages? Are you sometimes intimidated by wives who seem to have it all together? Marla has been there, and she knows what it’s like to adjust from unrealistic expectations to real life. In The Wife Life she offers hope and encouragement — with her trademark humor and the sensitivity of someone who’s been in your shoes.

31 Days to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire

In 31 Days to Great Sex, Sheila takes you step by step through the process of building a fun and intimate sex life. It doesn’t only focus on the mechanics of sex — though there certainly are exercises that will help you in that department — but also focuses on building friendship, experiencing real intimacy, and learning to have fun again.

Rekindling Romance Kit by Jason & Jami Balmet

Romance is a big part of marriage, and can be a very enjoyable part at that. But without care it can wither and perhaps even die, relegated to anniversaries and Hallmark holidays. In Rekindling Romance, Jason and Jamie have created the perfect romance kit, with 7 inexpensive date ideas and more than 30 pages of printables to help you reignite the spark!

The Irresistible Husband by Jason Gratehouse

The Irresistible Husband was written to help every husband live up to his potential to be irresistible to his wife. This book is simple, practical and easy-to-read, and the principles within will help you have the marriage that you and your wife have always dreamed of. If your marriage has reached a plateau, or is even in a state of decline, this book could be the spark to rekindle the flame.

Christian Woman’s Guide to Romance on a Budget by Rhonda White

Is your marriage in a rut? Take action with these fun date ideas that won’t break the bank. This is a quick, Christian-based ebook that includes Scripture from God’s Word for your marriage plus tips for a healthy relationship and 33 date ideas to help you rediscover the romance!

I love the idea of ebook bundles, because they’re such a good deal for you. I’ve reviewed The Irresistible Husband before, and I love the Rekindling Romance Kit! So this one is definitely worth the $7.40. Even if you already have the 31 Days to Great Sex, that means it’s only $7.40 for the other 4–that’s less than $2 a book, and the Romance Kit you will love! And you can always give the extra 31 Days to Great Sex to a friend whose marriage needs more intimacy, too.

When you purchase it, you’ll receive the links to the 5 .pdf books. You can then read them on an iPad, phone, computer, Kindle, or whatever you’d like. Here’s how to read 31 Days on an iPhone or iPad, for instance. And here’s a post on how to read .pdfs elsewhere. But it’s really easy!

Check out the Christian Marriage Ebook bundle .

The post Don’t Miss the Christian Marriage Bundle–And More Great Weekend Links appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Having it All

My column that was published in newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan this week was a synopsis of this three day series I just blogged about regarding overscheduling kids with sports. So I thought that rather than publish that, I’d run a column from 2005, that most of you haven’t seen.

For those of you who battle infertility, I know this is such a hard subject, and I’m not trying to rub salt into wounds. But perhaps you know more than anybody how important it is to prioritize what we really consider most important. Here goes:

We women have been told for years that we could have it all. We tell it to our little girls, too: want to be an astronaut? A Supreme Court judge? A plumber? No problem! And if you want to be a mom, don’t worry. That can always be squeezed in.

There’s a difference, though, between how men are able to squeeze in parenting and how women are able to squeeze it in. I’m not only talking about the negotiating over who arranges the doctor’s checkups, who shows up for parent-teacher interviews, or who stays home when Johnny has the flu. Both parents can perform these sorts of functions.

But there are some things that, much as feminists might like to forget, only women can do. Men cannot get pregnant, give birth, or breastfeed. And these tasks can’t necessarily just be “squeezed in” when it’s convenient.

Though I had my children young, I didn’t have an easy time of it. I have two lovely daughters here, one son in heaven, and another whom I never knew because I miscarried so early. One of the blessings I had, though, was that even though I lost two children, my husband would just look at me and I’d be pregnant again. Were we to try today, chances are it wouldn’t be as easy.

It seems almost unfair, but women’s highest rate of fertility is between ages 20 and 24. It stays pretty high until age 30, when it slowly starts to decline, with the rates after age 35 falling pretty quickly, just as the rates of miscarriage and birth defects start to climb. I’m 36 right now. I feel as healthy as I did at 25. I exercise just as much, I’m in good shape, I eat well, I sleep better. Many women feel at their peak in their mid-30s. Why shouldn’t this be a great time to start a family?

Unfortunately, one’s reproductive system may not cooperate. At age 24, 86% of those who want to be pregnant will get pregnant in a year. By age 35, it’s only 52%. And this doesn’t mean couples are infertile—they may still get pregnant. It’s just going to take a lot longer. And when one is 35, that extra time is very hard to bear.

Too many women are told to put off marrying and having children until they are established. You wouldn’t want to rely on a man, after all. And you wouldn’t want to sacrifice your identity—meaning your career—so get that first. Feminism has told women that not only can we have it all, but we should have it all. But maybe trying to have it all exacts too high a price. Instead of trying to have it all, maybe we should concentrate on going after what we want most right now. It’s okay to live your life in chapters. After all, in our ageing society it’s more and more likely that today’s young adults are still going to be working in some capacity at 70 or even 75, so it’s not as if one’s career years will magically end at 55. If we take a decade off at the beginning to have children, then we still have many decades to meet our career aspirations.

Some women would dearly love to start a family, but they’re lacking the rather important ingredient called the man. That’s a very difficult place to be. But as Beverly Hanck, the Executive Director of the Infertility Association of Canada, recently told Reader’s Digest, if you’re 28, and in a happy, healthy relationship, now may not be the time to start your Ph.D. It may not be politically correct to say it, but we need to be honest if we’re going to avoid heartbreak in the long run.

We can have it all, just not necessarily at the same time. And that’s not a bad thing. There is a time for everything, but that doesn’t mean that time will always be on our side. Let’s use the time we have now wisely, and we’ll likely find that our priorities will still fall into place.

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And check out my article on what makes a man marriage material. Then don’t settle for less!

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Does Your Kids’ Schedule Make Life Too Busy?

With the school year starting up again, I started thinking about something I’m very passionate about: some families are just too busy. A few years ago, before my blog really took off, I wrote a three part series on creating a kid’s schedule that contributes to sanity and family time, not detracts from it. Most of you haven’t seen it, and so I’m going to tweak it a bit and run it again today, tomorrow, and Thursday. It’s so important that we think about the big picture–and what we really want for our families.

Do you feel like your family is too busy?

My 12-year-old daughter has recently started intense figure skating lessons. She’s never taken lessons before, and she’s learned quite a bit on her own. But she decided it was finally time for lessons, so we signed her up for one night a week.

It was then that I felt like I had entered the twilight zone. When we showed up for lessons, there are about 25 other children there, with various coaches. One coach immediately grilled me, “why only one night a week”, in a rather judgmental tone. Turns out everyone else is there for at least two nights a week, if not more (and this costs a fortune, too!)

Now these lessons are two hours long. They interrupt the dinner hour (they’re 4:30-6:30). But I felt that it was okay to do once a week, since we’re together most other nights. It was important to Katie.

But she’s starting to question it. She said to me this week that nobody there actually smiles. They’re not practising so that they can have fun and learn a skill; they’re practising to be the best. In fact, many girls are only there because their mothers want them to be. Watching them this week I felt like standing up and yelling, “Take a chill pill, everyone! Nobody here is going to the Olympics. So just have fun!”. But I didn’t. I didn’t want the other mothers attacking me.

And the other mothers are strange, too. They seem nice enough, but everyone I’ve talked to has every child in an activity–or multiple activities. I talked to one mom who is out with the kids four nights a week. I gasped and said, “when do you eat dinner”? She laughed and said, “we don’t! We just grab it on the run, or eat in shifts.”

On the surface everybody looks like nice, middle class families, but I really feel when I’m entering that place that the whole world has gone mad. No child should be away from their family that much. Families need to be together. And stressing sports over family life gives a mistaken idea of what’s really important. I have seen so many nice kids grow up in a particular sport, working like crazy at it, and not having a life. Or, when they’re older, not being particularly attached to their families. Even though they were good kids, they didn’t spend that much time with their families. They did school, did the sport, and did their homework. And that was it.

How can you raise a child to be a Christian like that? You need time to just sit around and do nothing. And you need to eat together.

Before You Let Your Family Get Too Busy, Take the Long-Term View

So let’s take the long-term view and figure out what we’re really aiming for as a family. Let’s focus on one specific goal, and one very general one. First, the specific: we want our kids to develop fitness habits. After all, one of the reasons that we put our kids in sports lessons is so that they can stay fit! We live in a very sedentary society, and we need to encourage all the exercise we can, right?

Do Kids Need Extra Curricular Sports to Stay Fit as Adults?

I’m not so sure. I took ballet as a child. Two nights a week when I was 13 and 14, one night a week from 6-13. I actually was quite good. And you know what? I can’t do any of it now. I took adult ballet lessons when I was 30 for fun, and wrecked my knee because I tried to do the “turn-out” as much as I did at 14, and found my body no longer cooperated. Ballet isn’t the type of thing you can just keep doing. It doesn’t keep you fit. Sure it keeps you fit then, and it does help your posture (and it taught me to suck my stomach in, which I still do today), but you can’t keep it up. There’s no natural place “just to do ballet” in your life. So it doesn’t encourage long-term fitness.

What about sports? Hockey and soccer are almost the same. Some men are involved in leagues as adults, as are fewer women, but it’s not widely done as an adult. So you can’t rely on those things to keep you fit. You may love them, but if you’re only playing hockey as an adult once a week over the course of four months, it isn’t going to cut it.

Skating or gymnastics? Don’t even get me started.

There’s really only one sport that I can see that does have the potential to keep you fit, and that would be swimming. (And, of course, track and field, but few children do this as an extracurricular activity.) So you may have your child in some sport for 5-10 hours a week, and that sport will do diddly squat for them when they are adults. It isn’t going to encourage fitness. It’s simply going to keep them fit right now. There is some benefit to that, of course, and those kids who like being fit are more likely to adopt other fitness activities, but the sport itself won’t do much.

If you really want your children to be fit, they need to develop habits that they can continue easily as an adult. Biking. Walking. Playing soccer and frisbee and touch football with family. Working out at the Y together (if they have kids’ programs). Swimming together. Cross-country skiing. Jogging. As kids get older, these are all things you can do with them, which will keep you fit, too. They contribute to family time, they don’t take away from it. And they’re more likely to meet your goals of raising a child who is healthy than putting that child into hockey 10 hours a week. Even more importantly, if your child is in extracurricular activities multiple nights a week, you won’t have time to develop these activities as a family. So they won’t get done.

How Do Extra Curricular Sports Impact Kids’ Values?

Now let’s look at something more general. I believe that children who are most likely to adopt their parents’ value systems are those children who most identify with their parents and their family as the primary influence in their lives. They’re kids who enjoy their parents, enjoy their family, and want to remain close. Kids who primarily identify with peers do not tend to adopt their parents’ value systems, as Judith Harris’ book The Nurture Assumption showed.

How, then, do you get kids to identify with the family? You have fun. You hang out. You spend time together. You make the default in their lives “being with the family”. So many times kids are in so many activities that their primary relationships aren’t even with siblings anymore. And if you stop identifying with your siblings or your parents to such a great extent, it’s unlikely that “family” will be considered your first priority. Besides, most sports now require practices or games or tournaments on Sunday mornings, and so many of the Christian parents I know are missing more church than they’re actually attending. Fill up your kids’ schedule with sports rather than church, and what message is that giving kids? It’s saying, “your primary identity is in sports, and Christianity is something extra,” not the other way around. I think that’s dangerous.

Kids need to put first things first in their schedules. Besides, you can’t just have fun on a schedule. You need downtime for that. You need time for people to laugh. You need time for siblings to decide that spending time together is actually worth it. Often kids need to get bored before they will do something together, but if everything is hyper scheduled, they’re never bored, and they don’t turn to each other.

There’s nothing wrong with boredom. It’s the birthplace of many a great idea or great game. Kids get bored, so they need to find something to do. That’s when they reach out to little, bratty brothers or sisters. That’s when they make up games. That’s when they use their imagination.

Let’s stop making our kids live a hectic schedule that denies all of us family time. They may enjoy it at the time, but in the long run, what is the most important goal for your family?

Some families may be able to squeeze everything in, and more power to you! But I have seen families who have thought they were doing it well, only to find fifteen years later that their kids weren’t following God and weren’t overly involved with their families. It’s a big risk. It may be one you want to take, because your child is gifted or really wants to do something. Just realize it’s a risk. Count the cost first, so that you can be sure that you are doing everything you can to preserve your family life in the time you have left. But I hope most of you may choose just to hang out at home and maybe, occasionally, throw a football around together. I think, in the long run, that may be more valuable.

Other Posts in this Decluttering Series:

Declutter Now

Family Time, Opportunity Cost, and Kids

PSSSTTTT….Did you hear?

My book 31 Days to Great Sex is available as part of the Christian Marriage Ebook Bundle of the Week! 5 awesome marriage books for just $7.40! They can be yours in under a minute. Check it out… (but only available until next Monday morning!)

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Wifey Wednesday: Family Time, Opportunity Cost, and Kids

Usually on Wednesdays I publish a marriage article, but I’m in the middle of a three-part series I feel very passionately about: Creating a family where you’re not running here and there and everywhere, totally chaotic. And this is a marriage issue if you want to have a peaceful family life! Yesterday we looked at the broad topic of decluttering. Today I want to look at how much time families actually have together for meaningful interaction–and if we’re making full use of that together. 

You can still link up your marriage posts below!

A fundamental premise of Economics is that everything has an opportunity cost. If I buy a chocolate bar, I’m not buying a pop with that money. So the opportunity cost of the chocolate bar is whatever I could have bought–a can of pop, 20 jujubes, two stamps, whatever.

Families Are Always Making Choices in How to Spend their Time

But while we’re used to opportunity cost when it comes to money, we don’t tend to think of it when it comes to time. And yet the time crunch can be just as acute as the budget crunch. When you schedule your own lives, or your kids’ lives, with many activities, you’re simultaneously denying them whatever else they could have done with that time. There is an opportunity cost.

How Much Family Time do We Have in a Week?

So much for Economics. Now let’s turn to Math. Let’s look at how much disposable time the average mom with school-aged kids has in the course of a week. We’ll be nice and even assume that she doesn’t have an outside job, to give her as much time as possible.

Weekday mornings, before school, are a write off. You rush around and get the kids on the bus or out the door. Not really quality time. Then they’re at school, usually home around 4:00. So let’s begin our day at 4. Most kids are in bed by 9, so that leaves 5 hours per weekday.

On the weekends, let’s give you 12 hours a day, with 12 for sleeping. Over the course of the week, that gives you 49 hours of potential family time. For comparison’s sake, the kids spend about 40 hours in school and with school peers. So it’s almost even.

Now let’s start being realistic:

Time spent making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up, mopping the floor, and other housework that can’t wait: 1 hour a day (and I’m being nice. It’s probably more). Down to 42 hours.

Time spent doing homework with your child: 1 hour a day (this can include anything that goes into organizing them for school). Down to 35 hours.

Time spent on meetings or with other adults. Chances are you have at least one during the week: a committee meeting, a small-group meeting, an evening out with the girls, dinner out with your husband, whatever: 3 hours a week. Down to 32 hours of potential family time.

Time your child spends in front of some sort of screen. The average child spends 3.5 hours a day in front of either a video game, computer, or television. But let’s be nice. Let’s say it’s only 1.5 hours a day. Down to 22 hours.

Time your child spends bathing, getting dressed, cleaning their room, or looking after him or herself. 1/2 hour a day, or 3 hours a week. Down to 19 hours of family time.

So a family with no play dates, no working mother, very little technology addiction, and no lessons only gets 19 hours a week of quality family time when people aren’t doing housework, aren’t in a meeting, aren’t taking a shower, and aren’t making dinner. That’s 19 hours when you can potentially hang out with your child, take a walk, play a game, do a hobby in the same room, talk, or spend time together. I would guess that for many families it’s less than that.

Note, too, that schools get 40 hours. Schools have 40 hours, you have 19. How are you going to spend those 19? Some of them are going to be spent eating dinner as a family. Some will be spent in church (I counted that as quality family time, though chances are for most of that your children won’t be with you). You don’t have a lot of time to work with.

And in those 19 hours you have to teach them to do chores, to become independent, to love God, to be responsible, to not give in to peer pressure, to handle money well, to be nice to their friends, and to get along with their siblings. That’s a heavy task.

So let’s look at it from another point of view. What is it that you want your child to be like as an adult? What are the most important things for you to pass on? If I were to rank them, I would say this:

1. Love Jesus

2. Be able to form close personal relationships (including, I hope, marriage and parenthood)

3. Be independent, able to get a job when they need one and able to care for their own homes.

4. Be responsible with money and personal possessions

5. Be generous.

6. Adopt healthy attitudes and behaviours (including fitness).

Perhaps some are out of order. Obviously I would like them to reach all of those goals. But I would rather have a child who is 300 lbs. and who loves Jesus than one who is fit but can’t hold a job and doesn’t know God. So fitness, while it’s important, is lower on the list.

Therefore, if those are my priorities, in that order, how are we, as a couple, working towards them? Kids are not automatically going to develop those traits. They need to be taught, nurtured, and mentored in them. They need to be shown, as they hit the teen years, that the culture which preaches against almost all of these things is wrong and not something you want to emulate.

And if your children are in school (ie. you don’t homeschool them), you are fighting against a system that for 40 hours a week teaches that God is irrelevant to their lives. It teaches things that are not conducive to forming healthy marriages. It teaches unhealthy attitudes. It does very little to teach responsibility. So not only do you have only 19 hours of family time to teach these things; you need to dedicate some of those hours to explicitly working against what the school is already teaching.

That’s why I’m adamant about family time. It is more important than sports lessons. It is more important than music lessons. You can never get that time back. And the more time your child spends away from your family, the more time he or she spends immersed in a culture which, in many ways, is antithetical to what you believe, especially if you are Christian. Sports may teach discipline, for instance, but they teach it absent from God. They teach it as its own reward, rather than being a spiritual discipline in and of itself. You can become too focused on performance and worth in that arena, rather than on worth as a human being.

So let me issue you this marriage challenge today:

1. Sit down with your husband and do the math. How much potential “family time” do you have in a given week?

2. Make up your own list of priorities for your kids (and it doesn’t have to look like mine).

3. Now ask each other: with the way that we do our schedule, are we working towards those priorities? Or are we inadvertently pushing our kids in another direction?

What marriage advice do you have for us today? Leave a comment and tell us how you and your husband navigate your schedules, or link up your own post in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts.

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Declutter NOW

What do you think of when you hear the word “Declutter”?

Chances are your mind turns to all the papers that are piled up on your kitchen counter, or your bookcases that are overflowing with books and magazines and toys, or your mud room with 40 pairs of shoes, some of which are probably three sizes too small for the little feet that once wore them.

This week I want to challenge you to think of decluttering in a broader way: Let’s examine the things that are unnecessarily draining our energy and our time, and instead fill our time with the things htat match our real priorities.

Today we’ll be looking at decluttering in a broad sense, but tomorrow and Thursday  we’re going to turn to our kids, because with Back to School upon us, we need to think about how we’re actually spending our time and our energy.

We only have so much of both. I’ve been overwhelmed with work lately, and been much busier than normal. But the one thing that kept me sane was that, on the whole, I don’t have a cluttered life. So when something comes along, out of the blue and temporarily, that does require more energy and time, I’m able to fit it in.

That hasn’t always been the case. I remember times when my best friend was sick and needed help with her kids, and I could not do it. I had no leeway or give in my own schedule. There were times when I desperately needed some rest, and I couldn’t find it, because there was no leeway. But over the last ten years I’ve gotten rid of things–clutter in my house, church commitments, even friends that took too much from me–and I found that I then had time for the important things.

Too often, I think, we allow our lives to carry us along, instead of standing in front of everything and deciding how we’re going to live those lives. We just simply have too much: too much stuff and so too much to clean; too many responsibilities, and so too hectic a schedule; too much debt, and so too much stress.

I just finished reading Lindon and Sherry Gareis’ book Declutter NOW, and it deals with this concept: that our lives are cluttered not just with physical things, but with other stresses and commitments that keep us from being able to focus our time and our energy on what is really important. Decluttering then, is not just about organizing your home but also about freeing up space in your life. In the book they lay out eight areas of our lives that need decluttering, including, of course, our physical space, but also our schedules, our job commitments, our kids’ commitments–even our friendships.

Neither Lincoln nor Sherry is perfect, and they don’t claim to be. For both of them it is a second marriage, and they had a lot of baggage from their first marriages that they needed to “declutter”. They both made mistakes parenting that they’ve realized were largely caused because they forgot how to live their lives with God’s priorities at the center, and they let other things sap their focus.

I really enjoyed it, and I want to share a few nuggets of wisdom from them, and then a few very practical things you can do right now to start decluttering.

Realize that You Are Making a Choice to Live a Cluttered Life

Too often we’re exhausted or broke or stressed, and a large part of the problem is that we feel out of control. We aren’t controlling our lives; our lives are controlling us. Yet we always have choices–choices to concentrate on our priorities. They say,

Freedom allows you to step back, catch your breath, focus, reorganize, and get control. Freedom empowers you to broaden your vision and see the bigger picture. You’ll have choices and can operate without guilt or obligation.

We don’t tend to think of this as a spiritual problem, but it is. When we try to address the issues in our spiritual life, we tend to look at the “spiritual” symptoms. Are we praying enough? Do we read our Bible enough? Do we have time for a quiet time? And yet what if the main problem is one of focus in the rest of our lives?

Have you ever felt too busy for God? Too overwhelmed, rushed, or un- focused?

If the answer is yes, it’s probably because you’re trying to do too much. And when we do that, we don’t have time for the important. I remember reading in The Purpose Driven Life that there is always time in everyday to do what God has for us that day–and if we’re not getting it done, it’s likely because we’re filling our time with the unimportant. Sometimes those unimportant things seem urgent–the soccer practice, the costumes we have to make, the meeting at the church, the huge cleaning we need to do in the living room. But those urgent things were all choices. Choices to say yes or to get involved with more things than we could handle. And so no wonder we often go to bed dissatisfied, feeling like we somehow “missed” what God had for us today.

I’ve already written a big post on ideas of what to do with physical clutter, but I’d like to share just a few practical thoughts gleaned from the multitude that are mentioned in Lincoln and Sherry’s book:

1. Decluttering Means Operating in Trust God mode, Not in Survival mode

Sherry shares how after her divorce, she was so scared of her kids going cold that she collected blankets. Tons of blankets. And do you know how much room blankets take?

So often we do that–we keep things “just in case”. But those “just in case” things that we don’t normally use can quickly take over a house. So instead of operating in “survival” mode, let’s get rid of most of our “just in case” items and instead trust God that if we ever go through a hard time, He’ll bring us through it. And in the meantime, is it really worth the physical and emotional toll on you to store that thing?

One area of homes that I think goes to real disuse is the “guest room”, for those of us blessed enough to have one. How often do you really have guests? Twice a year? Four times a year? And in the meantime you don’t have a place for your sewing machine or your scrapbooking, which bring you so much pleasure, so they clutter up another area of the house. Let’s not live in “just in case” mode. Let’s live in today.

2. Look Forward, Not Backward–and Declutter those Photos!

Do you cling to photo album after photo album of pictures you never look at, or home videos you can’t even play anymore because you don’t have a machine for them? Maybe it’s time to declutter our family memories!

One of my current projects is scanning all my old family photos–and then throwing out the majority of them. I know that sounds radical, but photos fade, and that sticky stuff in albums can wreck photos after a few decades. So instead, I scan them and toss them. Most photos I don’t really want anyway. It’s hard letting go of the past, but sometimes we really need to!

If you don’t want to do this yourself, YesVideo will transfer all your photos onto a CD for you. And they’ll take all those home movies you can’t watch and put them on DVD. I’m not saying we should lose our memories. I’m just saying let’s keep them in a more practical way–and one that takes up a lot less space.

3. Declutter Toxic People

Here’s a rough one, but oh, so necessary. If people are draining your energy, it may be time to cut the strings.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about setting boundaries with your in-laws, which caused a lot of comments and a lot of really heartbreaking emails or people saying, “what do I owe my parents if they’re really mean to us?” In Declutter NOW Lindon and Sherry take you through a process of looking hard at the friends and family in your life who eat up your emotional energy, and then give you a practical way to classify them and figure out how much time you really want to spend with them. Go through the exercise and you’ll likely find that your life would be vastly improved if you spent LESS time with some people and far MORE time with others–people who encourage you and give you energy, whom you don’t currently have time for because of the toxic people.

In the two weeks or so since I banned a number of commenters I have felt lighter than I have in years. I didn’t realize how much certain people were stealing my emotional energy. I always checked the comments with trepidation; that’s gone now.

I like their objective method of figuring out who should be most important in your life, and if you’re really struggling with friends and family who bleed you dry, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate.

4. Declutter Your Coupons

Here’s something really simple: stop using coupons if they’re not really saving you money–and for many of us they aren’t. I read recently that the biggest grocery cost to the average family in North America is food waste. We buy more than we can actually eat because we buy in bulk, or we buy stuff we don’t normally eat because “it’s a good deal”, and then it sits in our cupboards.

The Gareis’ aren’t against coupons, but there’s a right way to do them and a wrong way. And the right way is far simpler (and doesn’t clog your cupboards).

5. Replace the Space with God

Lindon and Sherry have many more practical ideas for decluttering your finances, your job, your friends, you body, your home, and more, but all of them lead to the same aim: Replace the Space with God. Get rid of the unnecessary so you have room for the necessary.

As the school year begins again, I want to encourage all of us to think and pray about these things hard. Your life isn’t automatically going to be less chaotic just because you will it; you have to actually do something differently. If you’ve been operating in a chaotic mode, you need to actively change things, not just think about them. So look at your life: where is your energy being taken? What are you spending too much time on? Where can you get some breathing room?

Over the next two days we’re going to look specifically at family time and figuring out kids’ extracurricular activities. But today, pray: God, what can I let go of so that I can leave more room for You?

Lindon and Sherry’s book Declutter NOW is available in paperback and in ebook format. And the Kindle edition is just $4.99–THIS WEEK ONLY! They put it on sale especially for our readers. So do check it out!

And they offer FREE resources – including a 40 Day Challenge video series, at www.actionplanministries.com. Or join them on Facebook for some interactive fun and a 30 Day Declutter ‘Do’ series!

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Reader Question: My Husband is Trying to Deal with His Porn Addiction, but He’s Not Getting Better

Before I get to today’s Reader Question, I have an important announcement to make! The Bundle of The Week site every week makes a new “bundle” of 5 ebooks for $7.40, all on a particular topic. This week it’s a Christian marriage bundle! And included in it is 31 Days to Great Sex. You get:

The Wife Life by Marla Taviano

Is married life a little different than you thought it would be–or maybe a lot different? Do you wonder if something is wrong, if other people feel the same way about their marriages? Are you sometimes intimidated by wives who seem to have it all together? Marla has been there, and she knows what it’s like to adjust from unrealistic expectations to real life. In The Wife Life she offers hope and encouragement — with her trademark humor and the sensitivity of someone who’s been in your shoes.

31 Days to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire

In 31 Days to Great Sex, Sheila takes you step by step through the process of building a fun and intimate sex life. It doesn’t only focus on the mechanics of sex — though there certainly are exercises that will help you in that department — but also focuses on building friendship, experiencing real intimacy, and learning to have fun again.

Rekindling Romance Kit by Jason & Jami Balmet

Romance is a big part of marriage, and can be a very enjoyable part at that. But without care it can wither and perhaps even die, relegated to anniversaries and Hallmark holidays. In Rekindling Romance, Jason and Jamie have created the perfect romance kit, with 7 inexpensive date ideas and more than 30 pages of printables to help you reignite the spark!

The Irresistible Husband by Jason Gratehouse

The Irresistible Husband was written to help every husband live up to his potential to be irresistible to his wife. This book is simple, practical and easy-to-read, and the principles within will help you have the marriage that you and your wife have always dreamed of. If your marriage has reached a plateau, or is even in a state of decline, this book could be the spark to rekindle the flame.

Christian Woman’s Guide to Romance on a Budget by Rhonda White

Is your marriage in a rut? Take action with these fun date ideas that won’t break the bank. This is a quick, Christian-based ebook that includes Scripture from God’s Word for your marriage plus tips for a healthy relationship and 33 date ideas to help you rediscover the romance!

I love the idea of ebook bundles, because they’re such a good deal for you–and they get the ebooks out to people who wouldn’t otherwise see them. I’ve reviewed The Irresistible Husband before, and I love the Rekindling Romance Kit! So this one is definitely worth the $7.40. Even if you already have the 31 Days to Great Sex, that means it’s only $7.40 for the other 4–that’s less than $2 a book, and the Romance Kit you will love! And you can always give the extra 31 Days to Great Sex to a friend whose marriage needs more intimacy, too.

When you purchase it, you’ll receive the links to the 5 .pdf books. You can then read them on an iPad, phone, computer, Kindle, or whatever you’d like. Here’s how to read 31 Days on an iPhone or iPad, for instance. And here’s a post on how to read .pdfs elsewhere. But it’s really easy!

Check out the Christian Marriage Ebook bundle .

And now for regularly scheduled programming…

Every Monday I post a Reader Question and then attempt to answer it. This week is a question that I get from many women, and in fact I had two versions of it last week. Here’s the first version:

My husband was addicted to porn. I would catch him, and he’d say he was sorry, but then I’d catch him again. Recently he’s gone through a big accountability program, and I think he’s clean. But I’m so worried about him relapsing. I don’t know if I can take much more of this. I’m just so exhausted it would be easier to leave. And what about my sons? How will they grow up to respect women and treat them well when their father watches filth where women are degraded? I don’t know how to get past this.

I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. Really. I know how betrayed you feel, and how disgusted, and how utterly exhausted and spent you must be. It is a really long haul.

I think I’d say a few things:

1. Go with these facts

Divorce is really hard on kids. Really, really hard on them. Right now you’re the one who is in pain and who is suffering, but if you divorce, in a way you transfer that suffering onto them. And chances are your husband would have shared custody, and then your kids would be with him without you to intervene. That means that they could see what he’s doing on the computer. Right now you’re keeping him from using porn more than he otherwise would; if you separated, that would likely increase.

That doesn’t mean you should necessarily stay in the marriage forever; porn addictions can get so out of hand that sometimes a separation is the only way to jolt him into cleaning up his act. But at the same time, doing anything permanent has some really negative repercussions.

So that means that trying to make it work is likely the best option for right now.

2. Get some help yourself

You are carrying a lot. You’re worried about him. You don’t feel close. You feel lonely. And he can’t help you with those things because he’s an addict. So you need to surround yourself with a support system that you can talk to. And you need to get some outside hobbies or interests that can take your time and energy so that you don’t just worry.

Add some joy to your life, in whatever form you can. Really look for things that you can do to change the dynamic in your own life, even if he stays stuck, so that you do have something to get excited about.

Maybe start working out? Learn to knit? Volunteer at an animal shelter? It could be anything, but something that adds to your life is so important.

3. Release your boys to God

I can feel your fear for your boys, but honestly, what I have found in these situations is that the husband is often so disgusted with himself, and hates his addiction so much, that the last thing he wants is for his sons to get trapped the same way he is. Your husband doesn’t WANT to be like this; but porn has likely become his way of relieving stress and of feeling good about himself (ironically). It gives him that temporary high of feeling powerful, before the shame comes crashing down.

Just keep praying over your boys, and watch what they see on the computer, but I have often found that these kinds of addictions, if they’re being confronted and dealt with, do not often get passed down.

4. Work on your friendship

Perhaps this should have been #1, but really work on your friendship with your husband. Your relationship right now is characterized by a lot of negativity. Find things that you can do to laugh, and to add fun to your lives, so that the porn is not the only thing that your relationship is about. Start biking, or hiking, or playing squash, or gardening, or painting, or anything. But just do things together in a low-stress environment, so that when he’s with you he’s not always feeling like you’re mad at him, and you’re not always supicious.

Will this get better? I don’t know. It depends how serious he is about addressing the root of the issue. The Road to Grace by Mike Genung is really good at walking men through the two stages of healing: addressing the symptoms, and addressing the cause.

Other than that, all I can say is that some women have a LOT to bear in their marriages. It is really hard. There is no magic fix. And each day is a constant trial of trusting God that you may one day be able to build something intimate. And that’s lonely. But there really isn’t a good solution other than trying, as long as he is always being serious about doing the work.

I’d have a serious talk with his accountability partner, and get that partner to agree to be honest with you if your husband has ever given up or is just saying the right thing but doing the opposite. At that point, you may need something more drastic. But if he is trudging along, keep praying, surround yourself with help, and try to bring some fun to your life in other ways.

5. Is It Okay to Just Forgive his Porn Addiction and Move On?

What if the situation is a little different, though–what if he hasn’t relapsed? Here’s another letter:

Shortly after my husband and I were married I found that he had been addicted to porn. He’s stopped, and he lets me see his computer. He quit and he cried about it and he confessed it to me. I forgave him. I want to work on the marriage. But did I let him off the hook too easily? I want him to feel as if there are consequences to his actions. And how do I gain confidence again? I still can’t let him see me naked, and I still stiffen when he puts his arms around me. I think it’s because it all came out right after we were married, and we never had time to get used to each other. What do I do?

That’s a tough one, too. I’d say that forgiving him and moving forward is exactly the right thing to do–if he’s getting accountability and he’s totally open about his phone and computer. If he’s taking steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again, that’s wonderful. Don’t punish him for that. (A great accountability program is through Covenant Eyes; use code TLHV for the first month free).

But you still have the issue that you feel betrayed and dirty and not quite sexy enough now. Again, totally understandable. And the only way back from that is to do something that will benefit both of you: reclaim intimacy. Right now, after his porn addiction, he will tend to see sex in mostly physical terms, and not in terms of emotional and spiritual intimacy. And that’s why it’s become dirty to you.

So work at just being intimate. Try taking a bath together. Hold each other naked. Pray together in bed a lot. Just get used to each other. And practice forgiveness everyday. As you practice forgiveness, work on your friendship, and cling to each other more, you’ll likely find that you can trust him again.

It isn’t right to deny him the chance to see you naked, because that’s part of intimacy to him–and to you. But I know it’s hard. If you want some help to make it more natural, my book 31 Days to Great Sex can walk you through this, step by step, day by day, to help you increase your intimacy slowly. And it deals with this problem, when sex doesn’t seem intimate anymore. If you want help getting past this, I’d really recommend it.

And it’s part of the Christian Marriage Bundle this week, too!

Honestly, I have such sympathy for women walking through the pornography haze with their husbands. It is so, so tough. And there aren’t often easy answers. It takes a lot of work to rebuild intimacy, and a lot of work to break the addiction which often starts even before the marriage does. But God is bigger, and it is when we are weak that His grace and His strength show up the most, too. Just please, don’t despair. Lean on God. Get some great support around you. Keep praying. And then trust that no matter what happens, God will lead you and guide you and will bring you to a place of peace and joy again.

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Winners, Fun Stuff Around the Web, and More!

I forgot to announce the July winners of my contest!

Heather won the ArtonLeaf wall art and Hannah won $25 towards my store! Congratulations! They’ve been emailed already.

Many of you were mentioning that you didn’t know that I had audio downloads. I think most of you know about two of my products: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex. But I have about 50 products in my store, including homeschooling helps, speaker training, and best of all, lots of inexpensive downloads where you can listen to a 45-50 minute marriage talk that I gave (or inspirational talk). So check out my store!

Feel Good Story of the Week

I just love this story: Woman gets wedding dress stolen out of the car right before her wedding. She calls 911. And the 911 operator pitches in and loans her a wedding dress, so the wedding goes off without a hitch anyway! So cool. Check it out.

Want to See Pics of My Vacation?

My daughter loves taking pictures (and blogging), so if you want to hear about our recent Pennsylvania excursions, check out her blog. She talks about the strange differences between grocery shopping in Canada vs. the United States; our fascination with Bill Murray movies; weddings; and having great Christian friends. And again–awesome (and funny!) pictures.

31 Days to Great Sex

I just have to share this email with you that I received recently. A woman who just purchased 31 Days to Great Sex from me says:

I just wanted to email you regarding the 31 Days to Great Sex book.

I’ll be honest, I was very skeptical. I was not looking forward to another self help book that would tell me how bad my sex life is. I know it is. My husband and I have worked together through Day 15 thus far.

And up until now, I was dreading each consecutive day as the challenges got harder and harder. On day 13, when you mentioned readers emailing you telling you it was IMPOSSIBLE, I was feeling the exact same. I didn’t want to keep going. It hurt and it was hard. I wanted to throw a 3 year old tantrum and quit.

My husband and I have been married a year. We didn’t take the time to figure out sex before marriage, but we had it! I used it to impress and please him. And once we tied the knot, I pretended to enjoy it on our wedding night, and then we stopped having sex. I relented a few times when his libido demanded it, but I never had any kind of bond with my husband in that way.

Day 15 changed that. We re-did Day 5, after discussing my immediate issues at hand that were stressing me during dinner. I felt clean, and open. I went and found my husband after we’d parted for “me time” and asked him if he wanted to try (I hadn’t done the reading – like I said, I was dreading each day). He asked me if I had, and I said no. He just laughed and told me I was on the right track. (He’s been my support and has kept me on track, even tho the book was my idea).

I had an orgasm with my husband for the first time without feeling like I had to, or to put on a show. And it was easy. For the first time it was easy!

This is a whole new world to me. I’ve only ever had sex when I’ve had to, or I was expected to. To be honest, the whole thing has kind of skeezed me out in the past. But now I think I can start to actually enjoy it. And my husband and I can learn to enjoy it together. Thank you.

Seriously, that’s the kind of email that totally makes my day! It is so amazing to see how God is using something that I’ve written. I know it can help you have better sex in marriage, too!

Marriage and Grief

On a totally different note, I was overwhelmed by the conversation on my Facebook Page about grief a little while back, on what would have been my son’s 17th birthday. If you haven’t read the threads, here’s the first, here’s another and here’s another. Do chime in! I think this is something we need to talk about more. So often when you’re going through a hard time it’s easy to think you’re the only one, and yet all of us have our own stories, don’t we?

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