Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 232

Barbecue Man

Does your husband barbecue? Of course he does!

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. My Ontario one this week had to do with the foster care system, so I decided to rerun one from a few years ago that I really liked instead, since it’s more applicable to everyone. Even if you’re not Canadian, I think you’ll say “my husband does that, too!”

Last week, as thunder rolled and gray clouds threatened, I performed the female mad dash better entitled “frantically bringing in the laundry from the line before the storm hits.” I assumed my husband felt the same reticence about the weather. “Can you still barbecue in this?” I asked him, quickly running through the alternate dinners we could make if burgers were off the menu. He sneered in reply. “Of course I can,” he said. “I’m a Canadian man.”

Canadian men barbecue. I suspect this attachment to the gas-powered device is largely because it comes with big tools. These aren’t wimpy tongs, the kind you use to mix up spinach and mandarin salad. Barbecuing is primitive, masculine stuff, even if his top of the line appliance cost $800 at Canadian Tire.

With barbecues, too, you get to stab meat. My husband loves cooking roasts, spearing them onto the metal spit. What’s more manly than roasting meat on a spit? When I cook a roast in the oven or the crockpot, I surround it with terrible things like carrots, or even worse, turnips or parsnips. Vegetables aren’t manly. And barbecuing on spits avoids them all together. It’s the perfect masculine endeavour.

And yet men, when barbecues are near, will condescend to wear clothing that they would never wear anywhere else. They are so proud of their ability to turn meat on a grill that they will don an apron, and, in the case of large parties, even a big, fluffy hat adorned with a message admonishing all present to “Kiss the Cook”. When one is near a barbecue, one’s manliness is guaranteed, so that wearing what would normally be considered feminine attire is perfectly acceptable, sort of like the way football players pat each other on the behind.

I also find it curious how barbecuing males will claim credit for the meal, even if it’s the woman who bought all the food, mixed the Caesar salad and the potato salad, sliced the pickles and the tomatoes, made up the lemonade, set the table, and prepared the dessert. He flipped a few burgers and everyone thanks him, rather than addressing their gratitude towards the woman and the kids who were scurrying around getting everything else ready.

But I don’t begrudge my husband the accolades, because if truth be known, I have never actually even turned our barbecue on. It is so much his domain that I’m lost if he’s on call and doesn’t come home when I’ve planned to have steaks. A few weeks ago my oldest daughter and one of her friends decided they would try to cook the chicken burgers, despite their lack of testosterone, since Keith decided not to grace us with his presence. But they didn’t know how to turn the barbecue on, either. So they called him, and he told them how to turn the knobs. And turn them they did.

A few minutes later Rebecca asked me, “isn’t there supposed to be a flame? I hear a hissing, but no flame.” Even without testosterone I know that’s a bad thing, so I quickly turned off the dials and forbade anyone from going near for at least fifteen minutes. My mother-in-law, who had received frantic phone calls from the girls asking what to do, continued to call our house at frequent intervals that night to ensure no one had actually been blown up.

And so we leave the cooking meat over a fire to my husband, who does prepare a very juicy roast. I may complement his offering with a bowl of vegetables anyway, and serve it with some salad, but it’s still his meal. He’s a Canadian man, and he’s proud. I think I’ll go kiss him.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Featured/Related to This Post for your Barbecue Man:

Kiss the Cook Apron

My Grill is Hotter than Yours Apron

Extremely Hot Apron

This post contains affiliate links.

Fully Alive: A Biblical Vision of Gender

I get a lot of flak about submission on this blog.

Whenever I write about resolving conflict, or areas in which husbands and wives disagree, I get taken to task in the comments for not telling women to submit more.

I find this rather strange. To so many, it seems as if submission is the goal of marriage.

Oneness is the goal of marriage; submission is a tool to get there. It is not the end, in and of itself.

But I think what I mean by submission and what some other people mean by submission are really two different things. I consider submission when I care about my husband’s needs first; when I think about what he may want or need, and I sacrifice something to meet that need. I consider submission when I pray God’s will for his life.

Yet to some people, it seems the only definition of submission that matters is that when you have a difference of opinion, she defers to him.

This really irks me, because to me, that’s a failure. Using that definition of submission, I’ve never submitted to my husband, because when we have had differences (and we had major ones, like deciding whether or not to have our son have life-threatening surgery, or deciding whether to move, or deciding what to do about jobs, children, etc.), we’ve always worked it through. We’ve never, ever said that because he thinks it’s one way, that’s the way it is.

To us, deciding to do things “his way” when we had a disagreement would have meant that we had failed, because the goal is oneness.

And usually, when we work it through, we come to a solution that neither of us even envisioned in the beginning. We find a win-win. Other times, just by talking about it, I realize that I was totally off-base, or he realizes that he was, and it’s all good. We feel like we’re one, like we’re a team, like we’re intimate and on the same side. And it’s wonderful.

And so I can never really understand the women who take pride in saying, “I let him make all the decisions, even if I think he’s wrong.” To me, that’s a cop out. If you think he’s wrong, you have an issue in your relationship. One of you–or both of you–is not listening to God. Why should we be proud of that? Why should we not instead wrestle through it together, and with God, until we’re cheerfully on the same page? If you’re always deferring to him, then you could easily be preventing oneness, not enhancing it. And you could  be keeping both of you from hearing from God. (I wrote a three-part series on handling differences and submission here). Sometimes we must decide to let things go for the sake of the marriage, but I don’t believe this is a victory. This is done often in sadness because you aren’t one and you aren’t on the same page. And so prayer for God to be more evidenced in both of your lives is the only proper response when that has to be done.

I really, really worry about the strain in Christian marriage thinking that women must obey their husbands at all costs, and that the GOAL of marriage seems to be this hierarchical relationship which I do not see in Scripture. And so when I was sent Larry Crabb’s new book, Fully Alive: A Biblical Vision of Gender That Frees Men and Women to Live Beyond Stereotypes, I was excited to read it.

Larry Crabb definitely believes in male leadership, but he says that most terms that we use when referring to gender–submission, masculine, feminine–need a serious biblical scrubbing.

And he proceeds to do that in this refreshing book.

He opens it telling the story of his parents, who grew up in the typical Christian culture where the dad led, and the mom cooked and cleaned and stayed in the background. In his case, his mother had a very good career, and in her job she made decisions and was treated with respect. But when she came home, she became almost invisible, because that’s what a Christian woman was supposed to do.

His dad, on the other hand, prayed and led devotions and was a wonderful leader.

But as his mom aged, and developed Alzheimer’s, some of her real feelings started to surface. And she was often very distraught–”am I any good to anyone?” she would say.

Crabb says,

I never saw Dad looking at Mother with eyes that wondered, Who is this remarkable woman? What can I do, who can I be, that would encourage her to freely give everything within her for God’s kingdom, for God’s glory, for her joy, for the blessing of others?

No, his dad saw his mom in relation to himself. And that viewpoint hurt both of them.

When Crabb married he had the typical view of male headship: his wife would obey him, and thus he was responsible for both her and himself. At first this was a heady feeling of power, but he soon became terrified. Could he make all the decisions? Would he always be right? What if he led her astray? And slowly but surely he started to see that his wife had a brain, too. And she had amazing giftings. And God had given her to him as a “suitable helper”, meaning that she was suitable to help him make those decisions, as he guided the family. He didn’t have everything on his shoulders–indeed, that’s why God gave him his wife, so that he WOULDN’T have everything on his shoulders.

And both of them found that they flourished in their marriage and in their giftings and relationship with God when they stopped trying to play “who’s the boss” and started trying to figure out how they could encourage each other to be “fully alive”.

I really appreciated this book. He spends the first part talking about submission, and the latter half talking about real masculinity, real femininity, and the unique fears and threats that both genders face. As I read it I thought he was spot on. In women’s quest for relationship, for instance, we often bowl men over and become harsh, critical, and even nagging, even when we don’t mean to be. We just want to be helpful. But this urge to make things right can lead to us storming in where we shouldn’t. I know I’m dreadfully guilty of this.

But men’s urge to be consequential and purposeful can similarly lead to them backing down and becoming overly passive when they fear they won’t succeed.

There are lots of other fears and threats, but those are the ones that most resonated with me. And through it all, Crabb shows us biblically what the real calling is for the masculine and the feminine, and how they were meant to work together and complement each other, not to be the same and not to have one be dominant.

I also appreciated his discussion about submission, because to him, you can’t separate the idea of submission from the idea of a “suitable helper”.

While some people, like Debi Pearl, see helper in a very subordinate way, Crabb sees it as an empowering role. God made us fully human, and gave us unique giftings so that we could help our husbands in their own roles and in their spiritual lives. After exploring this in great detail, looking at the passages in both Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter, he concludes with this:

A woman once asked me if she should submit to a husband who wanted her to have sex with another man. I replied, “Of course. Submit in everything. Tell him no, gently and quietly.” Another woman asked me if she should cosign loan papers that she knew contained misinformation. Her husband wanted her to sign. Should she submit? I answered, “Yes. Submit in everything. Refuse to sign, gently and quietly.”

If that makes no sense to you, I encourage you to read the book, which I found really illuminating. He puts the focus back where it should be: how can we each serve God the most fully? How can we become all that God wanted us to? How can we become fully alive?

Whether we are married or not, God wants us each to be fully alive as masculine and as feminine. And in marriage, part of the blessing of that relationship is that we can help each other become fully alive. I can encourage Keith in his giftings, and he can encourage me. And in the marriage relationship, I see where I am flawed. I see where I have the tendency to not be gentle and quiet. I see where I often try to bowl other people over. God can use our marriage to help make me more gentle, more humble, more teachable. But I also can help sharpen Keith. “Iron sharpens iron”, and we are to be iron for each other.

Too many Christians seem threatened by the thought that women may have ideas or opinions that can sharpen their husbands. I have had a man comment on this blog that he always reads the blog first, to be sure that the post is suitable, before he lets his wife read it. That attitude is the exact opposite of everything Crabb says, and of everything I believe–and more importantly, what I believe Scripture says. Sure, men who do this can say, “I consider my wife a princess. I love her dearly. I respect her more than anything,” but if you don’t also encourage her to think, and respect her opinions, and allow her to express herself, then your words are not evidenced in your actions.

Women are made as suitable helpers, and the Hebrew word for helper has no connotation of subordination, because it’s used to refer to God as well.

We are uniquely made to encourage our husbands, sharpen our husbands, and inspire our husbands. If a husband is making sure that a wife doesn’t have an independent thought, or telling her that she can’t think certain things or go certain places without his permission, then they are not a team. He isn’t respecting the giftings and the brain that God also gave her. He may say that he’s just protecting her, but what he’s really doing is not giving proper credence to the thought that she may have something to teach him–that God may want him to sit back and listen to her for a change. That God made her to be HIS HELPER–and perhaps she has something to help him learn, too.

Yes, submit. Yes, women, pray about how you can encourage your husband as he leads the family. Yes, consider his needs first and look for ways to bless him. Yes, work on being gentle and quiet. Definitely respect him, admire him, and tell him how much you appreciate him. But most of all, be fully alive for God TOGETHER. Be one–as you also are masculine and feminine–as God made you to be.

Let’s not waste people’s giftings and smoulder a wonderful spirit because a woman, in certain versions of Christianity, is less than a man. That is not biblical. The more people believe it, the less powerful we will be in spreading God’s kingdom, because we’ll be ensuring that 50% of the Christian population isn’t allowed to become fully alive and to express their own God-given gifts.

See more about Fully Alive here.

Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc.

Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group

// ]]>

Wifey Wednesday: Sex and Family Vacations

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage (although I talk about it most days around here!) I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts in the linky below (it’s a great way to get blog traffic if you write a blog!)

Today I want to tackle a seasonal issue: what about sex on vacations? I received a letter from a woman on Facebook recently which said that the whole thing stressed her out completely, because she was tired, and exhausted, but felt like her husband expected a ton of sex because they were “on vacation”. I understand the feeling.

Let me explain a little about what’s going on in my life. About three months ago I had to do a total overhaul of almost all of my online activities. I’ve been putting in 12 hour days during the summer moving stuff around, and optimizing SEO, and a whole lot of other stuff that goes on behind the scenes. And everyday there’s a new technical glitch I have to deal with, which is also equally exhausting.

And at the same time my oldest daughter is in process of moving out, so I’ve been helping her with that (obviously I want to be there for such an important thing!) My youngest daughter was preparing for a huge competition she had last week, and needed help with practicing. So obviously I had to help with that. And dinner still needed to be made, and laundry still needed to be done, and I was just exhausted.

So when we did take a week off to get out and go camping last month, I spent the first few days collapsing. I was just so tired. And getting ready to go on vacation is always stressful to me, because I feel like I have to clean the whole house before I can leave (here’s a really funny column I wrote about just that phenomenon! See if you can relate).

Last week, when we were away, I was going to bed at 9:00 every night just because I was so tired. We were in Pennsylvania, with an 8-hour drive home, and I slept almost the entire way, even though I had had 9 1/2 hours of sleep every night that week. I just had so much catching up to do.

That happens to a lot of us on vacations. We’re finally able to relax, and our bodies just shut down.

That’s why I don’t think family vacations should really be thought of as “sexcapades”, so to speak. In general, they aren’t times to get away and have a spectacular sexual experience, for several reasons.

Realize that vacations are often times to decompress

When life is busy–and sometimes unavoidably busy–we force ourselves to keep going. Vacations are the times when we can finally let go and get some sleep.

You’ve got kids with you!

We spent most of our vacations when the children were small in tent trailers, traveling around Canada. It was great fun, but the children are right there with you. And you know what happens to trailers when you try to–you know? They move.

Friends of ours who often traveled with us were in stitches one morning. I asked what was so funny, and my friend explained, “last night we were having fun when our 6-year-old gets out of bed and yells at the top of his voice, “Will you please stop rocking the trailer!”

Yep. Tent trailers and sex are difficult.

But hotel rooms can be worse. You’re in two double beds, and the kids are only about 6 feet away from you. Not exactly romantic.

And as bad as it is when kids are little, it’s way worse when they’re older and actually know what’s going on.

That’s why my husband and I have just realized that family vacations are for just that–family. They’re not really couple time. Sure, you can take advantage of times when the kids are off doing something else (if they’re old enough to go somewhere by themselves), and quickies can be fun (and funny!), but in general, a family vacation is a time to concentrate on your kids, not the sexual side of your marriage. And I honestly think that’s okay.

Take Couple Vacations

That’s why my husband and I take specific couple vacations throughout the year–sometimes we go on camping trips just us to keep the cost down, or if he’s going on a conference I’ll go with him. We’ll take an occasional night or two away in a hotel, too. And the nice thing is I can plan the timing of that so that it doesn’t fall during the time of the month that wouldn’t really work for a “sexcapade” anyway.

Stress Sex at Home

Honestly, my favourite place to be intimate is at home anyway. I’m far less stressed, because I’m used to the place. I didn’t have to go to a ton of extra work to get ready to head out the door. It’s easy. It’s fun. It’s natural.

So if you’re having regular sex at home, and you get away for occasional times, just the two of you, I think it’s honestly okay if a family vacation doesn’t end up being a great time sexually for you. The 31 Days to Great Sex is probably not a good one to begin when you’re camping!

Your marriage isn’t just about one night, or one vacation, or one week. It’s about the sum total of your relationship. And at different times you’ll concentrate on different aspects of your relationship. Sometimes you’ll focus more on the sexual side, and sometimes you’ll focus more on the parenting side. As long as you talk about this, and agree with it, I think that’s perfectly healthy.

Besides, vacations are stressful enough. Don’t make yourself think you’re a failure if you couldn’t figure out how to try new positions while the toddlers are sleeping three feet away from you in a tent. Let what happens, happen, and let yourself relax a bit. That’s what vacations are for!

What about you? Have any advice for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below. And be sure to link back here so that other people can find great marriage advice, too.

And if you have any tips for family vacations, leave them in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

// ]]>

My July Giveaways!

Hi everyone!

For the last few months I’ve been doing a giveaway post once a month, with different products, to help small businesses get the word out. I’m not going to do it in the same way from here on out, because I’m finding that my blog calendar is getting crowded. I’ll still offer the occasional giveaway on a specific post, though!

So today, for our final giveaway, I want to offer two things: one from ArtonLeaf, and one from me.

But first, a bit of background. Last weekend my baby turned 16.

16!

We spent her birthday down in Pennsylvania, where she captained the Eastern Canada 1 team for Bible Quizzing with the Alliance Church. There were about 120 kids from all over North America competing on the book of Matthew. Katie came in 8th out of everybody, and her team was 4th out of 24. So she did great! She has all of Matthew memorized–all of it. It’s freaky.

Here she is answering a question:

And here she is waiting to see if she’ll be called right:

Anyway, it just hit me last week that I no longer have babies. My oldest one just left this morning to go paint her new apartment where she’ll be going to university in the fall. She and a bunch of friends are up getting it ready. I still remember them like this, from our tent trailer (Katie’s the silly one in yellow):

Art on Leaf Giveaway

Kids grow up so fast. And so I thought ArtonLeaf was a wonderful segueway into my daughter turning 16, because they offer both Bible verses (which she obviously knows!) and pictures of your loved one decoratively done on a leaf, like this:

Or like this:

 

This isn’t Wal-Mart Art, it’s real Wall Art. Something unique that will mean something special to your family. Find out more at ArtonLeaf.com–and ask them about putting other things on leaves, like a Family Mission Statement, a marriage invitation, or anything!

I have pictures all over my house of my kids, because I want to capture these memories. And now we’ve got some new favourite verses from her quizzing this year–Matthew 5:16; Matthew 11:28-30; Matthew 28:18-20. Filling your house with Scripture helps you to keep grounded and remember what’s important. And filling your house with pictures of those you love helps you to hold on to memories–even when the kids grow.

$25 Towards My Store

And now I’d like to offer one of you $25 towards my store. I’ve spent three months changing everything on the blog. You may not have noticed much, because it’s gone on behind the scenes, but I switched servers, switched shopping carts, got a new newsletter service (are you subscribed yet?), and I’m spending a lot of time just cleaning things up. So I’m not getting the stuff done this summer I had hoped to–but everything’s getting a deep cleaning, so to speak, so it should run like clockwork once I’m done in a month.

I’m proud of what I’ve done so far, so if you haven’t taken a look at my shopping cart, head on over! And then leave a comment about a product you didn’t even know I had, and you could win that $25!

Just read the Rafflecopter instructions below and enter. I’ll be doing the draw next Monday at midnight EST.

Thanks so much, everybody!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Reader Question: Breast Cancer and Sex

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question, and then give my thoughts and invite you to chime in as well.

Here’s a rough one:

I was diagnosed [a few years ago] with breast cancer and had a lumpectomy followed by radiation.  Our sex life was wonderful after that.  My wonderful, Christian husband stood by me and always made me feel like I was so precious.  My breast were scarred but still intact and still a great source of pleasure for my husband and for me.  We assumed cancer was behind us and then [recently] I was diagnosed again with cancer this time in both breasts and the recommendation was that I have a double mastectomy.  I chose to have reconstruction surgery and my husband again stood by me.  While my plastic surgeon was pleased with his work I have never been comfortable with what I low look like, I would say my chest is now a hot mess.

I was devastated that something that gave my husband so much pleasure was now gone along with our sex life.  He never asked for sex anymore and I never initiated it.  I wouldn’t let him see me without clothes.  I just hate my body. I have suspected that my husband had started watching porn and this past month I have confirmed that with a discovery on our family computer.  It was left open and thank goodness I was the one who found it not our children.

I have confronted him and he of course says he is done, through, over it.  He says it’s something he watched “occasionally” until a couple of years ago and now he watches almost every Friday and Saturday night.  We have started having sex again because I want to feel connected to him.  We both want this marriage.  We love each other, our life and our family.  He has agreed to stay off the computer and come to bed when we do.  No more staying up late by himself.

Where do we go from here?  I know our lack of sex has contributed to this and I do not feel blameless but part of me says did he not want sex because he was more interested in his videos?  Was he repulsed my body?  I can’t have porn in our home with our kids.

What a difficult situation! I’ve lived with breast cancer in my family, too. Oh, God, may we find a cure soon.

I think here we need to separate the two issues: the porn and hating your body.

When sex gets difficult, people often turn to what seems easy

It’s actually quite common to fall into porn use during these traumas in our lives. We want to feel like we are still sexual, and it’s an easy way to escape the cares of your daily life.

At the same time, it obviously is not something you can tolerate. It’s a sin; it will hurt him; and it will hurt your marriage. And it definitely can hurt your kids if they see! I’ve written at length on how to handle a husband’s porn use; you can see all of those posts here (just scroll down to the right question).

Share your grief

Once the porn is dealt with, you need to take a look at how you now see your body. You’ve suffered a horrible trauma. You’ve lost something that was precious to you. It is absolutely okay to grieve that. And, in fact, it’s probably easier if you both can grieve it together.

Part of the problem when we go through something like this is that we stop communicating. We’re afraid of telling our husband what we feel, because we’re afraid of the rejection he may echo back to us. And he’s afraid of telling you how he feels, because he’s afraid of hurting you. And you’re both scared of the future.

It sounds like what has happened is that you’ve both tried to deal with this alone, and it hasn’t worked out really well. Likely what you need to do is just start talking again.

Start small–go for walks, talk about work, talk about the kids, pray together about little things. And then start talking about more deep heart issues. Maybe even take turns just hearing each other out–you talk for five minutes about what you’re grieving while I hold you and I don’t interrupt, and then we’ll switch.

Learn to Love Your Body

I truly believe that the first step in loving your new body, even if it’s not your old body, is in finding that deep emotional and spiritual intimacy first. Once you’ve both been able to have a good cry together, and you’ve been able to yell at God together, you’ll feel closer. And that closeness will long to be expressed sexually.

At heart, sex is intimacy. It isn’t just two bodies joining together; it’s two souls joining together. The more you can feel like one SOUL, the more you will want to feel like one BODY.

That may take some time, because you have to let him actually see you. That’s hard when you don’t like being naked in front of him. But start with talking, and then low candlelight, and see where things go.

And remember–sharing what’s truly on our hearts boosts intimacy, it doesn’t break it. Keep honest, and keep open, and you’ll find that it gets easier to share again.



And now I’d really like to leave this one for other people to answer–maybe people who have been through something similar. How do you learn to love your body again when you’ve had surgery, or an injury? What steps have you taken? Please chime in and share your story. I think it would encourage so many readers.

Can You Praise Your Kids Too Much?

I’m on a bit of a hiatus this summer, trying to get some major writing projects done. I even took a break from writing my column this week! So I’m going to post some things I wrote a few years ago, before this blog got big, that you may have missed. Here’s one I really like from 2010 on parenting.

Yesterday I was listening to the radio and was reminded of that fact that the people with the highest self-esteem tend to be those on death row. Those who feel best about themselves are often criminals. Indeed, that’s WHY they’re criminals. They think they are the best, that they are special, and thus they don’t have to live by other people’s rules.

Our society has become completely sideswiped by the self-esteem movement. If kids are having problems, it must be because they don’t feel good enough about themselves, the argument goes. So if they’re having trouble learning their multiplication facts, let’s work on helping them feel special, rather than helping them learn that 7 * 8 = 56. (do you know the trick to remembering that? It’s just 5-6-7-8).

Schools have courses on boosting kids’ self-esteem. All over elementary schools you see posters saying, “I’m special!”. But I’m reminded of that awesome line in The Incredibles, spoken by Dash, complaining after his mother is saying that all kids are special. “That’s just another way of saying that nobody is.” And he’s right.

I once knew a single mom who had pictures of her daughter all over the house. Now I have pictures of my kids all over the house, too, but this was almost pathological. They were often set up as if they were shrines to this girl, who was definitely not special. I don’t like to be mean, but she wasn’t bright, she wasn’t athletic, she wasn’t musical, she wasn’t pretty, but most of all, she was a downright miserable and annoying child to be with, especially as she hit 10 and 11.

I’m not one who believes that everybody has to be extraordinary in some area. I think we all do have strengths, but I think character is far more important than innate giftings. Develop love and compassion and integrity and responsibility, and you will be a special person. And anyone can develop these character traits. A person who is motivated, hard-working, and kind, even if they’re not extraordinarily bright, will go further in life than a person who is brilliant but lazy, mean, and arrogant.

How we raise our kids, then, needs to take this into account. Don’t always go telling them they’re special or they will stop trying. If every tiny bit of effort they put in is amazing, then how will they ever strive for more? New York Magazine wrote an article about this a while back, looking at why kids who were bright often underperformed. Here’s what researchers found:

For the past ten years, psychologist Carol Dweck and her team at Columbia (she’s now at Stanford) studied the effect of praise on students in a dozen New York schools. Her seminal work—a series of experiments on 400 fifth-graders—paints the picture most clearly.

Dweck sent four female research assistants into New York fifth-grade classrooms. The researchers would take a single child out of the classroom for a nonverbal IQ test consisting of a series of puzzles—puzzles easy enough that all the children would do fairly well. Once the child finished the test, the researchers told each student his score, then gave him a single line of praise. Randomly divided into groups, some were praised for their intelligence. They were told, “You must be smart at this.” Other students were praised for their effort: “You must have worked really hard.”

Why just a single line of praise? “We wanted to see how sensitive children were,” Dweck explained. “We had a hunch that one line might be enough to see an effect.”

Then the students were given a choice of test for the second round. One choice was a test that would be more difficult than the first, but the researchers told the kids that they’d learn a lot from attempting the puzzles. The other choice, Dweck’s team explained, was an easy test, just like the first. Of those praised for their effort, 90 percent chose the harder set of puzzles. Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easy test. The “smart” kids took the cop-out.

The most important thing you can instill in your kids is character. So praise character issues, not innate abilities. They didn’t do anything to achieve those innate abilities; the praise should come with what they then do with it.

As a homeschooling mom (I even have some homeschooling products in my store!), I know that if my kids don’t try hard, they don’t get rewarded. If they try and still can’t do it, that doesn’t matter at all to me. The important thing is the effort.

Be careful of what you praise your kids for. Don’t praise them for being “smart”, or they may easily stop trying. Don’t praise them for being “beautiful”, because then the emphasis in their life is misdirected. Praise them instead for being honest, for trying hard, for showing creativity, for being polite.

All of this, of course, is in moderation. I do tell my girls they’re beautiful (as does their father), because that’s important when teenage girls hit puberty. But they know that’s not their main characteristic.

The idea of praising kids just for WHO THEY ARE is nonsense and makes no sense theologically. We are fallen creatures. Anything good in us is from God. Let’s instead praise kids for WHOSE they are and for what they’ve done about it. Tell them God loves them. Tell them God chose them for something great, and that He has a plan for their lives where they can show others His love. Praise them for acting in godly ways. And if they happen to be brilliant or gifted at something, reinforce that that gift is from God, and with the gift comes the responsibility to use it for Him.

If we all did that, our jails would likely empty out, because we wouldn’t be raising narcissists. We’d be raising good kids with an accurate opinion of their abilities. Wouldn’t that be better?

Tell me what you think! Have you been overwhelmed by the self-esteem movement at your child’s school? What do you praise in your child? I’d love to know!

Wifey Wednesday: Invest In Your Marriage (It’s Worth It!)

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up in the comments!

Because it’s summer, I’ve decided to rerun some older posts while I take a bit of a blogging break and write like crazy! I’ve got three major things I’m writing this summer that I’ll be excited to present to you hopefully soon. So here’s a post from two years ago, before most of you were reading this blog:

If you ask someone how they’re doing, chances are they’ll say, “Oh, I’m so busy!” Our lives are hectic, and we spend our time trying to organize better and feel rejuvenated.

But today I want to let you know the ONE thing you can do to avoid hassles, give yourself energy, avoid heartbreak, and revitalize your life. And it’s really very simple. Invest in your marriage.

Your marriage is the best weapon you have in your arsenal to get through life. It is marriage that makes us feel like we can take on the world. It is our spouse that gives us a partner in life so we’re not trying to handle all this alone. It is marriage that helps your children’s behavior and makes them more likely to make good decisions, thus saving you a ton of heartache, worry, and time, too.

Perhaps some of you have marriages that you don’t think contribute very much to your happiness. I know so many women who think that life would be easier and less of a hassle if they were to divorce. That may be true, but it is true for a only a tiny minority of people, and this is why:

When you split up, you magnify all your problems, you don’t necessarily solve them.

It is not like you can actually “get rid” of your spouse, anyway. You have to share custody. And if you already don’t get along, imagine trying to negotiate who gets Christmas, who gets this weekend, whether we can switch weekends because Katie has a soccer practice and you want to be there.

If people put as much work into their marriages as they will have to into a divorce, we’d have a lot more happy families.

(Click to Tweet that quote)

Of course, most of you aren’t about to split up, but let’s look at the worse case scenario first:

Children do not fare well in a divorce, even if that divorce is justified.

They grow up too fast. They’re more likely to get involved in risky behaviors. They often shut themselves off from you, even if your children are your whole life. In the couples that I have seen split, even if they had the best of intentions of building new lives with the kids, the kids don’t share those intentions. They pull away. And with shared custody, as horrible as it sounds, parents get used to having a life without the kids. Suddenly your life doesn’t revolve around the kids anymore, and they don’t want their lives to revolve around yours, because their whole life has been turned upside down. So they look outside of the family for support, and few parents, even if they were the wronged party, enjoy a closer relationship with the kids after the divorce. Usually, after a split, you fall further away from the kids. It’s not true in every instance, but it’s true in a lot. And even if you’re closer to one child, chances are you won’t be to all of them.

Money becomes a worry in a whole new way, because now you have to support this family.

Child support isn’t going to be enough, and courts demand that you work, too. It will be tough. Before your family income supported one household; now it has to support two.

So my best advice to simplify your life:

Don’t ever let your marriage get to that point.

What about those of you who certainly aren’t ready to split up, but you don’t feel that your marriage is a source of energy and strength for you? Then invest in it. Find a way to love your husband like crazy.

I’ve spent the last two days in Toronto, at speaker training for World Vision’s Girls Night Out shows. I’ve been speaking for them for years, but they’re expanding into the United States, and I’ll likely be doing some shows down there this spring. But while I was at that training, I was away from my family. And I was driving home last night, I heard the country song “Love Like Crazy”. And I thought: that’s what I want to do to my husband. I want to love him like crazy. I want to invest so much in him that he has no doubt that he is the only man in my life because I want him to be the only man in life. I still would choose him. I enjoy being with him. I’m proud of him.

And I’m going to treat him that way. He has been so good to me lately, but I’ve been wrapped up in a lot of things–I’ve got a big book proposal in front of some huge publishers right now and I’ve been stressing about it. And I said to God last night in the car, “God, I really don’t care about the book nearly the way I care about my marriage. Give me my marriage over the book. I’d love the book, but let Keith always be my main priority.”

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we’re doing that we forget to love like crazy–to talk to our spouse, to make time for him, to put effort into “getting in the mood”, and romancing our man. We think about our own priorities, and we forget his.

But what happens when we romance him? What happens when we love him like crazy? I don’t know about you, but in my house, it means that he loves me right back. The days after we’ve been really close he does the dishes more. He asks me what I need. He’s closer to me. It’s a two-way street. When I’m close to him, he feels close to me, and we both get immense satisfaction from helping each other. We’re thinking about the other person.

And I can talk to him. I can tell him my stresses and concerns. I can ask him to help me make even minor decisions about the girls or schedules or church. He’s engaged.

It doesn’t automatically happen. It only does when we invest. When we listen, and kiss, and send love notes, and put our marriage before our kids. When we pray for him, and enter into his world instead of always insisting he enter into ours.

Life is so much easier when you walk through it with another. It is so much harder when that partnership falls apart. So invest in your marriage and make it super strong. It’s your best resource for this life!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to change your attitude towards your spouse? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the comments. Thanks!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more

A Walk Through the Dark with Your Husband: Eva Piper Speaks

Today, please welcome our guest author, Eva Piper.  Eva shares her unique perspective as a wife, walking with her husband Don, through very dark, challenging and difficult days, when an accident occurred that would change their lives forever  He shares his story in 90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Life and Death.  

“Do you take this woman/ man to be your lawfully wedded wife/husband?  For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health ‘til death do you part?”

Many young couples have stood in marriage ceremonies across the world and romantically answered “I do.” Fifteen years before Don’s accident we stood at the front of Barksdale Baptist Church with family and friends looking on as we uttered those words “I do”. I must admit that as a young bride I had no idea how my promise would be tested in the years to come. No bride or groom wants to think anything troublesome will come their way. Standing there in front of the altar I was filled with marriage giddiness. I was marrying the most handsome, intelligent, strong Christian man I had ever met. It was a girl’s dream come true.

Shortly after our fifteenth wedding anniversary, I was standing beside a hospital bed looking at a man I could scarcely recognize. His physical appearance had changed after numerous surgeries to piece him back together after being hit head-on by an 18 wheeler which left him encased in metal frames on his left leg and arm in an attempt to repair broken and lost bone. Those were changes I could pass over and still see the man I loved. No, it wasn’t his physical change that disturbed me, it was the change in his personality that was difficult to understand and accept. For weeks following Don’s accident he plunged into a deep depression, one where he wouldn’t speak to me, where the only response I could get was a grunt or single syllable monotone answers. There was no joy, no willingness to get better, no appreciation, nothing. It was like talking to a zombie. As his wife I couldn’t understand why he was not rejoicing in the fact he had survived a horrific wreck followed by medical complications. It didn’t seem like he cared about anything or anyone.

One evening about mid-February I arrived at St. Luke’s Hospital after teaching school. I had a book bag on my arm filled with papers to grade, lesson plans to write, and thank-you notes to send. I stood outside his room for a moment, pasted on my Suzy Sunshine smile, and walked in. As usual I got no response when I entered. The rest of the evening I spent working through the items in my bag and finished before visiting hours were over. Though I typically stayed until the very last minute that evening I decided to head home early. I was exhausted on all levels…physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. The thought of getting home early, taking a long, hot shower, and then heading to bed sounded like a wonderful escape. I began to gather my things and head toward the door. As I reached for the handle I turned and said, “Guess I’ll head home. See you tomorrow. Love you.” His grunt of response hit me hard. I turned, dropped my book bag, marched over to the foot of his bed and let him have it.

“Why are you acting like this? Aren’t you glad to be alive and here with our kids, with me? Don’t you love me anymore? You are so mean, mean to me , mean to our children, mean to anyone who comes to see you. What’s wrong with you?”

I couldn’t believe I was saying those things but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. All my frustrations came to a boiling point in the moment between the door and the foot of his bed. Seeing my bag on the floor I reached for it ready to storm out the door, that’s when I noticed Don’s face in the large, wall mirror next to his bed. Tears were streaming down his face and his chest was heaving in heavy sobs. Instantly I was at his side, trying my best to put my arms around him, in and through all the metal, saying over and over “It’s Ok, things will be alright, I’m here.We’ll make it through this. Don’t worry. ”

Often I’d put my arms around our children to soothe hurts and pain, now I was doing that for my husband. God took that opportunity to teach me a great lesson.

“God loves us even in all our ugliness. I needed to see Don through God’s eyes.” I stood there holding Don and realized for the first time how hard this was for him. How much pain he was going through and how that had to affect his state of mind. I knew then that we were living through a ‘worse’ time but that God had used it to bond us more tightly together.

It is a blessing I am forever thankful for.

Eva Piper is a speaker and author with a unique insight into the trials of heartache and the triumph of overcoming. The wife of best-selling author Don Piper, Eva was the glue that held her broken husband and her family together. Don’s story, recounted in the New York Times bestseller, 90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Life and Death, is Eva’s story too. A teacher of 34 years, she and Don now live in Pasadena, Texas. Visit http://evapiper.com/ to reserve your copy today!

 

Reader Question: My Husband’s a Missionary/Pastor–And He Uses Porn

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and then give my thoughts. Then I invite you to leave yours in the comments! If we can all chime in, we can help encourage one another.

This week’s question is a really heartbreaking one. My heart is heavy just reading and answering it, and I’ve been praying for this woman all morning. She left a comment recently, saying:

I am mulling over how to reconfront my husband this time. I’ve done the tears. I’ve done the cold clinical confrontation. I’ve done the angry confrontation. Nothing changes because he won’t get accountable and he always says its the last time and I always believe him.

My problem is that we are both in ministry, and although I know this only compounds the urgency with which this problem deserves to be handled, I can’t get past all the what ifs of what could happen if this comes out.Job termination, needing to change housing or possibly even return to our home country. We are missionaries. We are practically alone on the field. There are children who would have no caregivers.

Sadly, in some ways I care more about the children in our care then the state of our marriage, or so it would seem since my mind dwells there more than on what is going on or not going on between us.

Porn makes this wonderful, fun, talented, extroverted, anointed man into a gloomy, unkind, withdrawn person. I believe his exposure to it at a young age via his uncle plus the loss of his father and two brothers make him vulnerable to a cycle of shame secrecy and grief. But he never tells me, he waits to be caught.

We are in a high stress and strong spiritual warfare environment, and I am sometimes harsh and overmanage things. I also do not feel as sexually motivated since discovering the porn issue less than a year into out marriage while pregnant and already feeling vulnerable about the changes in my body and in our marriage. Add exhaustion from the environment we live and work in. Nevertheless I don’t think that those are justifications for what is biblically equated with adultery.

First, I want to reassure this woman, and other women reading, that you are not alone. Porn is a huge struggle, even for men in ministry (and perhaps ESPECIALLY for men in ministry, as I’ll talk about in a minute). So here are some thoughts:

Our main goal in this life is to glorify God.

We are to grow closer to Him. To look more and more like Him (Romans 8:29). Our goal is not to bear fruit; our goal is to abide in Him (John 15). It’s God that bears the fruit, and not us. Our goal is to stay close to God.

So don’t think that if you are involved in ministry that this somehow outweighs a responsibility to do the right thing. I can totally hear this woman’s struggle–“but what about this ministry? What about the kids? If I do something about this, I’ll end up hurting them! Isn’t the ministry more important?”

No, I don’t believe it is. If he continues to use porn, he is endangering his own spiritual condition. And that needs to matter. That needs to be our #1 responsibility.

Our ministry will not be effective when there is sin present in the leaders.

Over and over again in the Bible we see where the people were punished for the sins of the leaders. I’m not saying that God will punish the ministry because of what your husband is doing, but there is no doubt that the Holy Spirit cannot use your husband as he should when your husband is engaged in a huge, secret sin. So not saying anything in order to save the ministry is likely to backfire. The ministry itself will grow better when there is truth and when there is light.

Jesus tells us not to take lightly our responsibility to make sure that the little ones around us do not stumble. That may sound like He’s saying, “don’t rock the ministry boat if the kids will be hurt”. But I think that ultimately truth is still truth; and God wants light shone on things. He doesn’t like things being covered up. And when we confess, and uncover sin, God does an amazing work. That work can spill over onto the ministry.

I think deep inside you know all this. You’re close to God, and you sense that He will protect you and protect the ministry. But it’s still a scary thing. Listen to that still, small voice calling you to the Truth.

It is ultimately God’s ministry, not yours.

Right now you likely feel as if you are indispensable, and if you tell people of your husband’s addiction, the whole ministry will fall. If that’s the case, then there’s more going on here than just your husband’s sin. It’s God’s ministry, not yours. Remember that Paul set up churches all over the Roman world, but then he moved on. He didn’t stay where he was, thinking “these people will fall away if I’m not here.” He believed that God would raise up leaders when they were necessary.

This is God’s ministry. He cares about these people. He will fight for them. And He will fight for you, too! If you both want to be used by God, God will honour that. It just may not be in the way that you’ve always planned. But trust that with God at the head of whatever you are doing, He will ultimately bring about the best for all when we step out and do the right thing.

Your Husband’s Addiction Does not Mean He’s a Bad Man

In fact, it could very well mean he’s a good man. I believe that Satan attacks men in Christian leadership in this area in huge numbers because it’s such a secret sin. They can’t confess it or they’ll lose their position. And it brings such shame and such slavery.

So it could be that your husband was attacked exactly because he was in line with God’s will for his life. He was going into the ministry because he wanted to serve God. He was stepping out in faith. Thus, he was becoming dangerous to evil forces, and so he was attacked. This doesn’t mean he’s bad; it just means that he’s a target.

Your Marriage and Your Ministry will Wither in the Dark

That being said, staying in the dark, keeping a secret, will only hurt your marriage and your ministry in the long run. Our God is a God of light, not of darkness. He likes confession, and truth, and transparency. That’s where His grace can fall. That’s where we can see radical transformation. If we try to keep everything inside, and hide it from others, then we’re being proud. And “pride goes before a fall”. God can’t work in us when we’re keeping secrets.

Many Ministries Have Confidential Programs to Help Porn Addicts

Quite frankly, this is such a huge issue that if everyone who uses porn was automatically fired from the ministry, there would be very few left. So what many ministries have started to do is to establish confidential programs where people can go for help and accountability, without the leadership necessarily knowing (or without the leadership needing to take action as long as the accountability partner thinks the person is acting appropriately. In the case of child porn, or anything violent or acted out, for instance, steps would be taken to notify authorities).

My husband and I teach at marriage conferences for FamilyLife, for instance, a division of Power to Change. And shortly after we signed up we received an email from the “speakers’ care team”, saying that if we ever needed a place to talk to someone confidentially about our marriage, we could do it there.

It is so difficult to find anyone to talk to about your problems when you are in ministry, because the very presence of problems seems to jeopardize your job. But many denominations and missions organizations are employing these “care teams” to help deal with exactly things like this. Get on the phone or the internet and investigate whether you have such a team to report to, rather than having to contact the leadership directly and tell them your husband should be removed. These teams are used to dealing with these things, and will help map out a plan which may–or may not–involve leaving the ministry.

If your husband has been involved with things that are truly illegal, like watching child pornography, or even talking to young girls online, you simply must report it. I know it’s hard to go against your husband, but those children need to be protected. Yes, you’re endangering the life that you envisioned for your children. Yes, your extended family may be angry at you. But you will never, ever be at peace when this is happening, and your husband could continue down a road where he may do something truly horrific. Don’t stand by and watch. Stand up for those children now.

Demand Accountability or You Will Report Him

Assuming this is not a drastic case where the authorities need to be called in, now’s the time to demand accountability of him. So here’s where the rubber hits the road. I’ve given you all of these reasons why you should confront him. Now how do you do it?

In this woman’s case, she’s caught him before. He’s apologized before. He’s told her he would stop, but he hasn’t.

That’s extremely common. However, porn addicts in general do not stop unless they have accountability. Part of truly repenting of the sin is confessing it to someone else. I’m not saying you have to confess it to everyone–but you do have to confess it to someone. And that someone should be someone who can keep you accountable. And that cannot be you, his wife.

Covenant Eyes is an online tool that can help you do just that. You install it on your computer, and then you set up an email notification so that if you ever go on a site you shouldn’t visit, it automatically sends your accountability partner an email. You can also get it for mobile devices now, too. I’m a partner with Covenant Eyes, and if you sign up using the code “TLHV” (for To Love, Honor and Vacuum), you’ll get your first month free.

I like Covenant Eyes because it can be used on the mission field. A missionary can have a partner back home who is keeping tabs and emailing and Skyping to have weekly accountability meetings and prayers, but it doesn’t need to be someone on the missionary’s actual team that he sees everyday (since often the team is too small, and that’s not feasible for a number of reasons).

So I’d sit down with your husband and tell him that he needs to confess to someone and set up Covenant Eyes (or some other system), or you will have to alert the higher ups in the ministry. This simply can’t go on, because he is not just endangering the family; he is endangering the work. And you can’t have that.

He likely will not take it well. He will get angry. He may tell you it’s not your place. But a lot of men in Christian leadership who struggle with this desperately want to be found out so that they can get the help they need. They’re just too scared to start the process themselves.

Pray Like Crazy

This may very well be the scariest thing you have ever had to do. You’re putting the ministry, your job security, and your marriage on the line. But I simply don’t see you as having any other choice.

So pray as if your life depended on it. Pray as if your husband’s soul depended on it. Pray that God will bring light, and restoration, and truth into this circumstance. And that His power will shine. Because when we step out, even in fear, and do the right thing, God can move in such amazing ways. So pray, and get ready to see what God will actually do.

Saturday LinkUp: Pinterest Marriage Party and More!

I hope you’re enjoying a wonderful summer weekend! Here are some awesome reads and resources to make it even better.

Links to Read

First, on a serious note: I’ve really been struggling for the last two months with technical issues. It started with my shopping cart, which I have since moved, and then we had to switch servers, and I have just been dealing with glitch after glitch. I’m still having quite a few glitches, and it’s just discouraging. So I so appreciated J’s from Hot, Holy and Humorous post on how you can pray for marriage bloggers. If you have a moment, read it–and then pray for all of us!

This one makes me teary–on Tuesday we started moving my oldest daughter into her townhouse that she’ll be sharing with three other girls as she starts university in the fall. She’s ready to go, but it’s hard on me! She wrote a post about it here. (You can read about my family from someone else’s perspective!) Here are the three girls–my oldest on the left, her little sister in the middle, and Joanna, who’s living with Becca, on the right, hamming it up in front of the U-Haul truck (on one of the hottest days of the year, I might add!)

On a happier note, I dare you to read this without laughing uncontrollably out loud: The Fart That Almost Altered My Destiny–about having to fart on the third date with the man she later married. Too funny!

A shout out to my Catholic readers! So glad you’re here. Catholic Dating Sites has compiled a list of the Top 100 Christian Marriage blogs, and I’m on it! Thank you! See the complete list here.

In case you didn’t click through to all the Wifey Wednesday posts, here are a few that I did manage to read that I really enjoyed (thanks to all who linked up! I don’t always have time to read everything, but I’ll try to feature more of you on Saturdays!)

Corrie Anne takes up the subject of compatability in her post “You never marry the right person“, focusing on Tim Keller’s new book. Love it!

The folks at From Infidelity to Intimacy are dedicated to helping men defeat porn–and helping wives of those men, too. Check them out!

Need to get motivated to “get in the mood”? Do Not Disturb blog wants to help you have confidence in the bedroom.

On my Facebook Page, 4 Little Fergusons asked me to share with you about a big series she’s starting next week on s-e-x. It looks awesome! Read about it here.

And now, here are some other great finds this week, with our weekly Marriage Pinterest party! Link up your own favourite marriage pins from this week (and don’t forget to follow my marriage board, too!)

An InLinkz Link-up

Deal of the Day

Get ready for the hockey season with the new Mabel’s Labels hockey combo kit! This unique label combo pack has been created especially for the hockey players in your family! With the custom hockey stick labels, equipment labels, number labels & skate labels, you can keep all of your family’s sports gear in order and make sure that all of the look-alike equipment gets into the right bag after the big game! Happy Labeling!