Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 235

Wifey Wednesday: How Being a Control Freak Can Wreck Your Sex Life

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and you all write on it on your own blogs and then put your link in here, or leave a comment in the comment section!

When I speak, I often ask women, “how many of you are control freaks?” About 2/3 of the women raise their hands. We are control freaks, because we have very definite ideas of how life should go. We have high expectations of ourselves. And we want to seem like we have it all together.

There’s a ton of other reasons, too–fear of failure, fear that something will happen to those we love, fear of rejection–but today I want to talk about how the control freak tendency can really wreak havoc in the bedroom.

I received an email from a reader recently which said,

I have had an epiphany about my sex life with my hubby. I am a control-freak. So, I think, that spills over to our sex life. While expressing this to him, this is what I told him, “when we are intimate, it makes me feel out-of-control. A lack of control, if you will. It’s like I don’t have control over my body, sensuality, emotions, etc. ..but in a good way. I almost feel nervous and silly, especially initiating sex.” He loves for me to initiate but I do not do it very often. Because of the above-mentioned.

She’s so right, and she’s not alone!

When it comes to the bedroom, the problem is not so much that we’re trying to control other people as it is that we’re trying to stay in control of ourselves. That doesn’t work. So, ladies, here’s why being a control freak CAN’T work in the bedroom:

Great Sex Means You Need to Lose Control

What does it mean to be in control? It means that you have full control of all of your thoughts. You know what’s happening. You’re aware of your surroundings. You’re standing on guard. Nothing will take you by surprise.

But sex doesn’t work well that way. For you to actually enjoy yourself, you have to be able to stop concentrating on what’s going on and just start FEELING. Sex is about FEELING, not so much about THINKING. If you overthink things, sex won’t work well.

Often one of the biggest roadblocks to actually reaching orgasm, for instance, is that we’re so worried about it. In order to really achieve an orgasm (as I talked about here, and as I go into much more depth, with more tips, in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex), you have to just let the waves take over you. If you’re constantly thinking, “am I there yet? Will I? Will it happen?”, it won’t. The waves can’t take over if you’re thinking too much.

So great sex means you need to turn off the constant dialogue in your head. And that’s hard.

Great Sex Means You Aren’t Really, Well, Proper

A proper woman is someone who is fully buttoned up, with the tea kettle on, not a hair out of place, and very gentle speech.

Great sex is the opposite of all of that. You can’t be worried about what you look like, or what you sound like, or even what you’re doing if you’re going to be able to enjoy yourself. Why is that we try so hard to be proper in our everyday life? We care what others think of us. So it’s as if we’re walking around outside of ourselves, watching ourselves, making sure we’re doing everything right. We train ourselves to be conscious of our every move.

Great sex means throwing caution to the wind and letting yourself be primitive, not proper. This isn’t, by the way, because there’s anything “improper” with sex in marriage; on the contrary, God created us so that our most basic and instinctual need to be connected to another human being mimics the deep need we have for intimacy with God. And that intimacy isn’t quite proper, either.

Remember how in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe the Beavers are trying to explain Aslan to the children, and they keep saying, “he’s not a tam lion, you know.” That’s what sex is like. It isn’t tame. It isn’t something you can put a lid on and keep it unmessy and organized. It spills over. It revels. It even screams.

Good Sex Requires Trust

The opposite of control is trust. When we’re in control, we have no need to trust anyone. We’re safe. We’ve got everything under our fingers.

But in order to really enjoy sex you have to be able to trust the other person. What makes sex stupendous is that feeling as if you’re truly one. That feeling of spiritual intimacy feeds the feelings of physical pleasure and makes the latter so much stronger. But you can’t feel like you’re one if you’re in control of everything you do, and he’s in control of everything he does, and you just move together in bed. That’s two people, not one person.

When you trust, though, you can become “improper”. You can really let yourself feel and you can turn your mind off just a little bit. You can stop worrying about what he thinks, or whether he really loves you. You know you’re able to trust (if you can’t trust him because of porn, or because of adultery, that’s such a tough place to be. Before you can truly rebuild your sex life, you likely have to rebuild trust).

Good Sex Requires Embracing Your Sexual Side

Sex and feeling in control are really polar opposites. Someone in control is ruled by their thoughts, while someone enjoying sex is giving in to feelings. And what are those feelings? They’re sexual.

That’s scary to a lot of people, because it feels shameful. But there is absolutely nothing shameful about making love to your husband.

And there is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed in the moment and screaming. There’s nothing wrong with desperately wanting to touch something–or to be touched. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you’re on fire.

But when we grow up feeling that these things are wrong–that only “bad girls” feel that way–then when we start to have those feelings we often work hard to turn them off.

A great sex life means that you give in to those feelings. You embrace your sexual side. You realize that this is who you were made to be–with your husband. And this is a good thing! You can fuel those feelings with some texts to him during the day, or some nibbles on his ear after dinner, or whispers to him. You can flirt. You can tease him. You can even initiate!

Good Sex Means You’re Naked

Finally, here’s the hardest one for some of us control freaks: good sex means you’re naked. You can’t hide. He sees all of you–and he still accepts you and wants you.

So often it’s we who hate our bodies, not our husbands (if your husband has put your body down, read this post). If you can let yourself see yourself as your husband does–full of desire and acceptance–that can be intoxicating.

If you sum all of this up, isn’t this what we truly want? We don’t have to worry about what other people thinking. We don’t want to worry about our performance. We don’t want to feel ashamed. We don’t want to feel judged. We want to be able to turn off these constant voices and accusations in our heads, and just relax and enjoy in the moment. We want to feel one. We want to feel connected.

These are all truly beautiful things, and they are a gift from God for marriage. You really can have them. It just means giving up control.

Can you do it? Your sex life will never be the same.

If you’re having trouble giving up control in the bedroom, 31 Days to Great Sex can take you on a step-by-step journey that will help! It’s non-threatening, and many of the challenges help you to talk more and learn to flirt more, not just have sex more. Check it out!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post in the Linky below! And be sure to link back here so other people can read these marriage posts and be encouraged, too.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: What It Means to Become One
Wifey Wednesday: Becoming One Flesh
Wifey Wednesday: Why Is That All He Ever Thinks About?

On Vulnerability, Sex, and Women’s Erotica

Up in my neck of the woods, in Ontario, our license plates switched over a couple of years ago to the format four letters and three numbers. And every time a particular community office in the Ministry of Transportation needs more license plates, they get sent 1000 at a time–a complete run of a certain four letter pattern. So about 10 years ago Belleville, where I live, got AFVL. Drive around town and you’ll see all kinds of AFVL license plates.

Well, Ontario has worked through all of the As and we’re now on Bs. And Kingston, close to our little town, got sent the BDSM license plates. I’m not sure why someone higher up allowed them through. Surely somebody must have said, “Ummm, perhaps that’s not the best combination.” But there you go. And right next door to my aunt is a family with a huge mini van and a ton of kids and a license plate that begins with BDSM.

(For those of you who may not know why this is so bad, BDSM are the acronyms for a particular sexual practice that involves bondage and inflicting pain. And I’m not getting any more detailed than that.)

Anyway, the thought of all these minivans driving around advertising this got me thinking last week: BDSM has really become mainstream. It used to be a fetish, whispered about in “bad” circles. Certainly no one talked about it in polite company. It was taboo. It was twisted. It was warped.

Yet it is also the primary plotline of most women’s erotica today, including the 50 Shades of Grey series, which I have written about at length.

Why? What’s the allure?

Now I do think a part of the allure to that series is that deep inside people like “traditional” roles. We women like having a man who is a MAN, who leads, and men like having a woman who submits. And hence the current BDSM acts this out in the extreme, because we’re not getting it in relationship. That’s been written about at length, and I won’t add to that commentary here, because I have something slightly different to add to the conversation, and it’s this:

Deep inside, we know that sex is supposed to be a deeply intimate experience.

It is not supposed to only be physical; there’s supposed to be an emotional and spiritual element to it as well. We’re supposed to truly “know” each other when we make love. In fact, it’s part of “knowing” each other. Trust and vulnerability, then, become part of a healthy, intimate sexual relationship. In order for it to work well, we have to be able to trust our spouse, and to be vulnerable enough to tell him what we actually want. We have to be able to open up. And that’s all part of what makes sex great.

There’s that one person that you are totally vulnerable with. You bare your soul with them in a way that you don’t with anyone else. It’s completely private, and completely exclusive, and completely vulnerable.

We’re hard wired for that.

But what happens if sex becomes only about the physical, and not about the other connections? If sex is taken outside of the marriage context, then there’s no more real spiritual intimacy because there’s no commitment. And that means that at heart there can’t be true vulnerability. You don’t know if you’re connected to this person for life, so you don’t have real trust.

That doesn’t mean that people who aren’t married never really enjoy sex; obviously people can have a truly pleasurable time physically. But there will always be something missing.

And what is that something? It’s that trust and vulnerability connection.

Where does BDSM come into all of this? The whole theme of BDSM is that you become truly vulnerable to someone else. You take on a uniquely vulnerable position with one other person–something you don’t do with others. There’s a level of trust there. The difference is that it’s focused almost entirely on the physical. And as you become physically vulnerable, it takes on an emotional and spiritual bond, too–even if that bond is warped.

So why is BDSM so attractive to so many?

I think it’s because people are searching for that vulnerability and trust connection.

And when they can’t find it in their sexual relationship (because it really is only available in a committed marriage), then they take on a pseudo-vulnerability and a pseudo-trust by confining sex to the physical, and not emotional or spiritual, realm. It’s trying to experience that immense closeness that we all know sex is supposed to give us without actually committing to someone for life.

I’m not saying that married people never engage in this, by the way; I’m just saying that the reason that it has become so attractive to so many is because it attempts to fill a very real sexual need and drive that God gave us in a whole other way. It’s as if everybody knows there’s something missing with run of the mill sex outside of marriage, so they’re trying to search for that missing something without actually doing it the way that God said to in the first place: keep sex inside of a committed, marriage relationship.

It’s pseudo-vulnerability and pseudo-trust.

And it’s transforming the whole way that sexual relationships are now seen in the wider culture.

I just find it sad that it’s all become so mainstream, because going down that road will never really fill and satisfy. Pseudo-vulnerability cannot replace true emotional and spiritual vulnerability. That you can only get from marriage, and unlike BDSM, that truly is a beautiful relationship.

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Reader Question: When Your Husband is Not a Spiritual Leader

It’s Reader Question day! I used to do a Reader Question on the weekend, but it’s turning into a very detailed post most weeks, so I’ve decided to make it my regular Monday feature from now on, and on Saturdays I’ll post various links that I’ve seen throughout the week.

Today a woman asks: Help! My husband is not a spiritual leader:

I’m at a loss. I love my husband. He is a good man, father and provider. But he is NOT a spiritual leader at all. We’ve been married for 5 years. I’ve prayed the entire time that he would step up. He goes to church with us and brings up something in the Bible maybe twice a year. He has been trained to know scripture very well though. I’ve tried to talk to him about it (he always goes on the defense and then declares himself a failure). I’ve tried nudging him in the right direction. I’ve tried leaving it alone and just praying. I don’t feel right taking his place in leading our family (kids). I sometimes don’t even want to grow in my walk because I don’t want to be the “stronger” Christian. I’m worn and I’m broken. I feel as though I can’t continue looking past this and pushing forward. What else is there to do?

Let me tell you a story of a family I know before I start to answer this. The dad is a very outdoorsy type of guy. He works in an office, which just about kills him, where he makes a good amount of money to support the family. Every chance he gets, though, he goes out in a canoe or a kayak. He takes the kids with him. His wife rarely goes.

The kids are in activities in church, and he volunteers to be there for the active ones (the kids’ club sports, for instance). He’s at church every Sunday in a suit, looking sharp. He greets people. He hosts Superbowl parties. His wife often looks miserable. She talks a lot about how he never prays or leads the family spiritually.

However, I wonder if her idea of a spiritual leader and his idea of a spiritual leader are just two very different things. He is an involved dad. He does make sure his kids are at church. And his way of experiencing God is in the outdoors; it isn’t in sitting around the table at night and reading a passage of Scripture and discussing it.

I think when we picture “spiritual leader”, we’re picturing a father who calls the family together for a time that we are now going to deem “our family devotions”. But many men prefer to just live out their faith on a daily basis, in the things that they do. It isn’t necessarily wrong. It’s just different.

In this case, his wife is putting up a huge wall in their marriage, because he is starting to feel like he can never be good enough for her. She doesn’t like the kind of things that he loves, and the things that his kids now love. And so she increasingly feels like her family is “wrong”. But perhaps if she went out on the lake more with the family, she’d see things a little differently.

So here are a few thoughts:

1. Get Rid of Your Image of “Spiritual Leader”

I think we have heard too much from radio programs like Focus on the Family or from pastors up at the front of the church about the importance of spiritual leaders, and giving the example of a man who leads family devotions after dinner or who gathers the family to pray.

I am not saying this is wrong; I think it’s wonderful. But I think it’s set up this expectation that a spiritual leader is someone who does those particular things. And I don’t believe that is true.

People all relate to God in different ways. Some will read their Bible for 45 minutes a day and pray for 30, with multiple journals and coloring pencils on hand. I have a male friend who’s a trucker, and he doesn’t read his Bible that much. But he spends his days listening to the teaching programs on the Christian radio stations as he drives.

I have other friends who like to hike in the woods and talk to God, or men who like to get their hands dirty and go and help out the people in the congregation who need to move, or need their oil changed. Not everyone is a “sit down and read your Bible and pray an in-depth prayer” kind of Christian. And I really do think that’s okay.

Don’t get me wrong; I think Scripture is very important. But let’s not assume that our own particular favourite way of relating to God is the “right” one, and that if he is going to be a leader he has to get in front of us and do what we do naturally, but then ramp it up a little bit. That’s a stretch.

2. Men Thrive on Appreciation

Can you appreciate what your husband does do and praise him for it? Can you thank him for providing? For being a good dad? For giving the kids a good example of what a godly husband looks like?

I sometimes look at my friend and wonder why she doesn’t see what the rest of us do: a super involved dad who everyone sees giving of his time to get to know his kids and their friends. What would happen if she stopped feeling bitter that they don’t do family devotions, and she started saying, on a daily basis, “It’s so neat how the kids love spending time with you!”, or “Isn’t it great how they see you loving God’s creation? I think your enthusiasm is contagious!”

Picture that family for a moment. With the constant feeling of criticism he gets from his wife, what’s going to happen if that man now tries to start doing family devotions after dinner? He’s going to feel like he’s at an oral exam, where the examiner is staring at him and waiting for him to mess up. There’s been so much pressure on him to do the spiritual leader thing right, that whatever he tries at this point he knows his wife will be watching and testing. What guy would want to do that? But if she met him where he was at, and thanked him for what he did do, he could be encouraged to incorporate more spirituality in his outdoor trips.

Look, I’ve known guys who have been afraid to mention God to their kids because their wives think they’re doing it wrong. Whenever they’ve started a conversation, they’ve had a lecture afterwards. Don’t let him feel like he’s being scored all the time! Just acknowledge what he does do.

3. Be Responsible for Yourself

If your husband doesn’t want to go to church, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go. If your husband isn’t interested in joining a Bible study and growing more in his faith (at least that’s how you see it), that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t.

I’m not sure why we believe that the husband must be the stronger believer. A spiritual leader simply means that he sets the tone for the family, and that ultimately he is responsible before God for the spiritual condition of his family. It does not mean that if you have memorized more Scripture than he has that your family is somehow out of God’s design. It doesn’t mean that if you know the Bible better than he does that your family is violating God’s code. Why do we always think that?

My own girls have memorized a ton of the Bible. They can quote ALL of 1 & 2 Peter, 1 & 2 Corinthians, John, and Hebrews. My youngest daughter can also quote Matthew. They’re involved in a Bible quizzing program at our church, and they’ve studied really hard. The chance of them marrying a guy who knows the Bible as well as they do is almost null, unless they marry someone who also does Bible quizzing. I’ve talked to them about this. And I’ve said, the important thing is to marry someone you can pray with and talk about God with. He doesn’t have to know as much, or more, than you do.

To hold yourself back because your husband isn’t there is an improper view of the Christian life and an improper view of Christian roles in marriage. We are each responsible individually before God. And if you get closer to God, you’ll simply learn how to love your husband better anyway!

4. Be Responsible for Your Children

We also do a grave disservice to our kids when we sit back and think that teaching the kids about God is the dad’s role. And we get frustrated because he isn’t taking on that role.

What does Deuteronomy 6:4-7 actually say?

4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a] 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Moses is talking to all the people, not just the men. And he is telling them to talk about God with your kids ALL THE TIME. It’s just something natural that you do while you’re going about your daily things–getting up, sitting at home, walking along the road (or sitting in a car), getting ready for bed. It’s not like you can only teach your kids about God when you gather around the table after dinner and Dad pulls out his Bible. When your child is upset because she wasn’t invited to a birthday party, you can hug her and say a prayer with her. When your son is fighting with his sister, you can take his hand and tell him “blessed are the peacemakers”. You can make it natural, a part of your everyday life.

And if you DON’T do this, because you feel that it is your husband’s role, I believe that you will have a lot to answer to God for when you stand before Him. These are your KIDS. It is not usurping his role by simply bringing God into your everyday life. In fact, that’s what the Christian life is supposed to be.

What’s wrong with your husband giving them a great example of what faithfulness and loyalty are, and what it means to support a family, and you helping them to memorize Scripture and learn about different Bible stories? They see different things in each parent, and that’s why marriage works so well. We each have something different to offer.

Sure, perhaps it would be lovely if we could all sit around and memorize verses together, but please, be careful of making this “spiritual leader” thing into an idol in your marriage. Love the man you’re with, not the one you’ve been told your whole life constitutes a “proper Christian husband”.

5. Other Issues

Perhaps you have other issues. I’ve written at length before about how to pray with your husband if he’s not a “let’s sit and pray for 15 minutes in depth for our kids” type of guy. I think that’s a really important post, but I don’t want to write all that stuff out again here, so go read it now!

Also, if your husband is not a Christian at all, I have some thoughts here.

I know this is a really tough issue. You want to feel like you’re one, and like you can talk about something that is so important to you. But be very, very careful of conveying the idea to your husband that he just isn’t good enough, or he’ll never live up to your expectations. Chase God yourself; seek Him with all your heart. Your relationship with God is an individual thing. And perhaps, for a while, stop praying that God will make your husband into more of a spiritual leader, and just pray that God will bless your husband, and talk to your husband, and that your husband will find deep joy in God. I think too often our prayers themselves are ways that we express displeasure with our husbands, and can cement this negative view we have of him. Pray for God’s blessing on your husband, and you pursue God the way you want to, and let your husband pursue God the way he wants to. When we let go of this ideal of what we think he should be, we just may find that marriage gets a lot easier, and that he’s free now to pursue God without us judging him about it.

What do you think? Have you ever been in this situation? What did God tell you in the middle of it? Let me know in the comments!

Deal of the Day–25% off Gorgeous Kids’ Clothes!

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Now’s your chance to stock up on comfortable and stylish clothes from Tea. Don’t miss your chance to take advantage of this great sale from Tea Collection because this sale ends on 6/29! Happy Shopping!

This post contains affiliate links.

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Spiritual Intimacy
Thoughts on a Spiritual Heritage
Beautiful Email: Pray with Your Husband

Saying a Prayer for Calgary

A few weeks ago I asked for prayers for Colorado, with the wildfires.

Just a post to ask everyone to lift up Calgary and southern Alberta. It’s experiencing horrible flooding. I’ve spoken in Calgary so many times, and I have so many followers from Alberta. I want you all to know that my family is praying for you, and that the hearts of those in the rest of Canada (and abroad) are with you. Over 100,000 people have already been displaced.

Back to regular posting tomorrow, but for now: please pray for Calgary!

No related posts.

Pinterest Party, Summer Projects, and More!

Normally on Saturdays I post a Reader Question of the Week. It started as a segment where I’d invite readers to answer a question another reader had.

It was an interesting idea in theory, but in practice often the comments section of the blog devolved into something not very helpful, so I decided to start answering the questions myself, and then letting you all add some comments after I had set the tone. That seems to work better.

The only problem is that now what used to be an easy post for me (Just post a question!) became a long post for me (post a question and a response!). And so what I’m planning on doing is moving the Reader Questions to Mondays, where I can make them into a long post and do them justice. On Wednesdays I’ll put up my big marriage post as usual, and on Fridays I’ll post my column. On Thursdays I may start doing my giveaways/reviews, etc. So that’s my plan!

On the weekends, I’d like to post just little bits of things that I’ve found around the web. Here are a few things you may like from this week:

1. Bronwyn’s Corner posted a link to her article, On God and Sex. She makes a great point about the fact that God isn’t INDIFFERENT to sex; He actually likes it–in context! Love the funny pictures, too.

2. For all of us, we’ve been talking about some rough things in marriage this week. So a word of encouragement to take some perspective:

Deal of the Day–Camping Galore!

Our family LOVES camping in the summer. We’re actually going on three separate camping trips altogether, and then my husband and my youngest daughter are going for a wilderness canoe trip with some friends.

If you’re big campers, The Family Camping Handbook: Real Food in the Big Woods is FREE on Kindle today (Saturday only)! Pick up your copy here.

And the best camping supply place I know online is Mountains Plus Outdoor Gear. Just browse and dream! Camping is so great in the summer–getting away from technology, listening to nature. I find I even sleep better in the fresh air.

Summer Project–Art Classes

Want to do something exciting this summer? Extend your horizons? Craftsy, the leader in online videos to help you master a craft, has introduced painting classes. They now have:

Craftsy Perspective in Landscape Drawing (Patrick Connors)
Craftsy Acrylic Landscape Painting (Bennett Vadnais)
Craftsy Portraits in Watercolor (Matt Rota)
Craftsy Narrative Portraiture: Painting in Acrylic (Micah Ganske)
Craftsy Drawn to Painting (Rob Zeller)
Craftsy Master Palettes: Exploring Color Mixing (Scott Gellatly)

I love Craftsy for their knitting classes (especially the feminine fit class), but if you’re more of a painter, here’s your chance. Honestly, if I don’t knit a bit everyday I go crazy. Are you like that with any crafts?

Finally, every Saturday I like to host a Marriage Pinterest Party!

All you have to do is enter the URL from a favourite marriage pin you shared this week. That way we can all see some more great marriage posts! And if anyone wants to follow my marriage board (where I share ONLY pins about marriage), it’s right here.

Have a great weekend!

An InLinkz Link-up

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Related posts:

Marriage Pinterest Party and More!
The “Glad You’re Not Dead” Party

Is Following Your Passions Over-Rated?

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s speaks to what we should really follow to succeed.

I inadvertently dashed the hopes of several high school seniors recently. I was invited to speak to an English class about being a writer, and I told them one of the worst mistakes people make is thinking, “I’ll just write/do/create what I’m passionate about, and then I’ll be successful.” People don’t care what you’re passionate about. They care what they are passionate about. If you want to create a career for yourself, you have to first think, “what is my audience thirsty for?” Then fill that void.

One student protested, “But we’ve been told our whole lives that we should follow our passions. And now you’re telling us that doesn’t matter?”

Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Here’s why: When we say “follow your passions”, what we really mean is that when someone is enthusiastic, and genuine, and authentic, success will come to them. When you’re true to yourself, you will find other people so blown away by your insights that they will want to pay you for them. In that line of thinking, success is something that just happens to you. It’s the “If you build it they will come” mentality.

Personally, I prefer Cal Newport’s “So good they can’t ignore you” mentality. Newport sums it up in his new book by the same name: the key to success is not to follow your passion; it’s to get really, really excellent at a skill that other people will pay for. It’s an active mentality. First, you have to figure out what skills people want that you can actually master; and then you have to put in a ton of effort at doing exactly that. Success doesn’t fall out of the sky randomly; it follows those who are already chasing it.

Not all of the students appreciated that line of thinking. They argued, “but what about Bill Gates? Or Steve Jobs? Or J.K. Rowling? They were following their passions!”

No, not exactly. J.K. Rowling didn’t just sit down one day and have Harry Potter flow out of her; she spent years honing her writing skills. And Steve Jobs and Bill Gates surveyed the world and saw that computers were the future. They worked incredibly hard at developing products that people would actually want to buy. Yes, this dovetailed with something they enjoyed. But they weren’t waiting for success while being true to themselves. They hunkered down, put in the effort, and became excellent.

There’s another side to this, too. We’ve told people that if they don’t follow their passions in their work, they’ve somehow sold out. But why is it that we need to find ultimate fulfillment in our work? Sometimes we can fulfill our passions best in our downtime, and our work can be the place where we earn money to pursue those passions. If you love travel, get good at something so you have the money to travel. If you love cooking, you don’t need to work in a restaurant. Pursue skills that give you a flexible schedule so you can make dinner into a rejuvenating experience every night.

A friend of mine worked for several decades at a well-paying, highly skilled but boring job. Her salary helped her fund her passion for knitting. And then, in her mid-50s, she accepted a buy-out package and took a job in a yarn store, finally having her job match her passion. But those years in a high paying job allowed her to save enough money that she was able to take the pay cut at a job she loved.

Passions are wonderful, but let’s give them their proper place. Success comes to those who work hard at something in demand, not to those who wait for people to find them. That’s not selling out; that’s investing in yourself. And isn’t that what you should ultimately be passionate about?

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A Spry Grandma
Having an Opinion Does Not Make a Person Judgmental
Winning the Parenting Power Struggle

Giveaway for June

Every month I like to host a giveaway, so that my readers get a chance to win some great products, and some people who run small businesses get a chance to let you all know about them.

Here’s what you can win this week!

1. Lilla Rose Flexi Hair Clips

When I did my first giveaway in March, I included these amazing Lilla Rose flexi clips, that can be used to keep long hair neat and interesting. And they were so popular I asked consultant Laura if she’d like to do another one, and she said yes!

Do you have long hair and you want to style it well? Or you just want to add some “jewelry” to your do? My daughters have a TON of hair, and these work so well for keeping hair back and off their necks, especially in summer.

Independent Consultant Laura Bradley is giving away one certificate, redeemable for a clip up to $16 of the winner’s choice (new customers only, please).

The clips all come in different sizes to suit both your hair and the style you want to use. So if you want to stick a large ponytail in it, you can get the extra large.

If, on the other hand, you’re just pinning back a small portion of a braid, you can get a small.

But they all have beautiful designs on them with lovely beads, in all different colors. And they hold hair in place so well–even for those of us with immensely thick hair.

There are tons of videos online with ideas of what to do with the clips–including braids and updos you’ve likely never thought of before! Here’s a sizing and styling video you may find useful.

These really are lovely, and if you’re always just pulling your hair back in a ponytail, why not do it with a little flair?

 

 

Check out all of the styles and colors that are available here!

2. Art on Leaf Wall Art

Do you have a favourite Scripture as a family? Art on Leaf will put it on a leaf for you–so you can take a leaf out of God’s book!

The most popular post ever on this blog is my 50 Most Important Bible Verses to memorize, and if everyone who visited that post or tried to memorize some actually put some of those verses on the wall, we’d be so much better off! The more you can fill your minds–and your homes–with Scripture, the more it can transform us. And when it’s on the wall, we’re always reminded of God’s promises.

If you’d rather, though, you can even put a picture on a leaf, like this:

This isn’t Wal-Mart Art, it’s real Wall Art. Something unique that will mean something special to your family. Find out more at ArtonLeaf.com–and ask them about putting other things on leaves, like a Family Mission Statement, a marriage invitation, or anything!

3. $25 Towards My Store

So for the last three weeks I feel as if I’ve been treading water. I’ve been getting this blog done, but I haven’t been doing any extra writing or speaking because I’ve been moving my shopping cart system over to a new website. And it’s finally done! I’m so happy with it. Head on over and take a look!

If you’ve never clicked on “Shop at Sheila’s” before (it’s the button up there below the header), do it now. I have 7 books, a ton of audio downloads (so you can hear some of the talks I give), some homeschooling resources, some resources for training new speakers, and more! Most of you likely know about 31 Days to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but there’s so much more available.

And to celebrate it being ready I’m giving a winner $25 to spend on anything in the store. Please check it out! (Seriously, I’ve done a lot of work on this. Show me some love, people! ).

That’s it–three great prizes! You can win by entering through Rafflecopter below. I’ll draw the winners next Wednesday night and announce them on Thursday. If you live outside of North America, and you win the Lilla Rose clip or Art on Leaf, I’ll provide you with some downloadable products and draw another winner, because the shipping is such an extra cost on my sponsors. But you’ll still be able to get some great downloads!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Spread the word about the giveaway by hitting the share buttons below.

Related posts:

April Giveaway Palooza
Where Do You Go When You Need Help? With a Shannon Ethridge Giveaway!
May Giveaway Palooza

Wifey Wednesday: Changing the Dynamic in Your Marriage

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and you all write on it on your own blogs and then put your link in here, or leave a comment in the comment section!

I’m really busy today doing some work behind the scenes on the blog, so I’d like to reprint this Wifey Wednesday from a few years ago. It dovetails nicely with what I said on Monday about realizing you do have choice, even in difficult situations.

Because I speak at marriage conferences, I get a lot of hard questions from people in marriages that are very difficult. Perhaps I’m a little jaded, then, when it comes to marriage, because I see all the problems that are going on behind the surface in many people’s marriages that you would never guess from just looking at them. I think many of us are hurting more than we let on.

Urban Soul – Choose Hope – Wall Art
from: DaySpring Cards Inc

That doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is bad. I went through about four really rocky years in our marriage. I never contemplated leaving Keith, but I wasn’t happy and I cried a lot. But it’s great now.

So just because you’re going through a rough patch doesn’t mean that it will always be that way.

Today I want to share something I wrote to some people on an internet thread, where they were talking about verbally abusive or just plain mean spouses. Their spouses never said anything positive, lectured them constantly, and belittled them, even when they were highly successful and capable individuals. They were finding themselves completely contemptuous of their spouses now, and everything their spouses did bothered them, because of this verbal negativity. It poisoned everything.

What do you do?

Here’s my answer, and I’ll edit it a bit so it’s more generic.

Sometimes in marriage we simply are not getting our legitimate needs met.

God gave us a need for connection and intimacy. Ultimately that’s met in Him, but He also gave us spouses to help with that need. If you live with someone who is very negative, you’re likely not getting that need met.

However, too often when we’re in this negative cycle we actually start contributing to it by creating a pattern of negative behaviour.

Your spouse is negative, and we sit there and take it. We perpetuate it.

But here’s the thing about a pattern: there are two ways to change it. Either you can wait for the other person to change (which rarely happens spontaneously, unless they are knocked by a 2×4 from Jesus), or you can change yourself.

Relationships have their own equilibrium. Just like a teeter totter, they come to rest at a balance, where you each play your role. That balance isn’t necessarily healthy. He may be too controlling, and you may be too timid, or vice versa. But there are two ways to upset that balance: either you move or he moves. And when one of you moves, that teeter totter will shift and find a new balance. When you start acting differently, your spouse often acts differently in return.

UPDATE: As someone pointed out in the comments, this doesn’t apply if you are in an abusive relationship. If you fear that your spouse is abusive, and not just negative, please get some help or some counsel from wise people around you who can guide you through this.

Now don’t put your back up just yet; when I talk about changing yourself, I don’t necessarily mean being what we would call “nicer”. Yes, I believe in showing unconditional kindness. Yes, I believe in affection. But sometimes in marriage that ceases working. In fact, it can become detrimental, because if the person has disconnected from you emotionally, and then you start trying to show them how much you love them, you actually end up looking needy (which turns them off even more).

So how do you change? James Dobson, in his book Love Must be Tough, talked about letting a person experience the consequences of their actions. To truly love someone is to want the best for them. If you have a spouse who is very negative, that is not God’s best.

It isn’t God’s best that your husband disparage you, or berate you in front of the kids. What’s best is if both spouses learn to truly love each other intimately. So if you are committed to that–committed to loving your husband, committed to honouring the marriage, and committed to seeing that marriage become healthy–you have to make some changes.

These changes that I’m going to talk about won’t work if you’re angry or out to get your spouse. They won’t work if you’re thinking leaving is the better solution. If you keep that anger and that bitterness, the changes will create a “now it’s your turn to see how it feels” pattern, and that’s even worse. But if you dedicate yourself to God’s best for your marriage and for yourself, you just may find that things change.

So have that out with God first, and let go of your anger so that your primary focus is on loving your husband, and your marriage, towards health.Sometimes when you’re the target of negativity, it’s hard to imagine ever loving that person again because everything has become so negative. Little things they do now grate on you. Their personality grates. But what I’ve found is that personality issues are almost always directly related to relationship issues. My husband bites his fingernails. When I’m mad at him, and he does this in public, it drives me nuts. When I’m happy with him, it barely registers. Don’t assume that because you don’t like a lot about him that you never will again. Work on the relationship, and don’t focus on his personality. Your perspective may actually change in time.

So let’s deal with the relationship issues, not the personality ones.

Colorful Devotions – Serenity Prayer – Wooden Plaque
from: DaySpring Cards Inc

Have a conversation with your husband in which you tell him that you want your home to be a positive one–with your children, with your relationship–and because of that, you won’t participate in conversations that aren’t positive. You’ll be glad to talk about issues as long as you’re working towards a solution and not calling each other names. But you don’t want negativity; you want love.Then, next time he starts lecturing, put your hand gently on his arm, tell him you love him, but tell him that you won’t participate in this unless he wants to talk, rather than lecture.

Sometimes we get into this dynamic where we never set boundaries, and then other people walk all over us. That’s not healthy. Jesus has boundaries, after all! Show love, yes. Pray for the person. Show kindness to them. But don’t encourage them to act in an ungodly way, which you do when you perpetuate negative communication patterns.

Instead, suggest that you spend some time talking about the positive things in your day. If he starts bad-mouthing an acquaintance, tell him you would prefer not to hear negative things about someone else. Keep that up for a while and you’ve now changed the dynamic in your marriage, and possibly gained some more respect.

When people respect us, they tend to value us more.

When they walk all over us, they don’t value us (and often that’s why sexual attraction goes). Become the person that you want to be, and that God is calling you to be. Then act out that person within your marriage–loving him, but also setting limits. As you do that, you just may find the dynamic changes.

I hope that helps. I know this is really tough. But I don’t think just chucking the relationship is the answer, either. Often people chuck the marriage before they realize that they do have within them the opportunity to change the way you relate. So shake things up a bit. Set boundaries. Set limits. Learn to treat yourself with respect, and go to God to help you be the kind of person others will respect. As you do that, you just may find your relationship changing.

My book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, talks a lot about how to regain respect in a marriage. If you’re battling with this, I know To Love, Honor and Vacuum can help!

Now, do you have a word of wisdom about marriage? Or a question about marriage? Write your own blog post and put the link in our Linky below! We’d love to hear your thoughts!

Deal of the Day

Zulily.com is a really cool fashion website. Everyday they have new discounts on amazing brands–up to 90% off. It changes constantly, so it’s always a surprise.

Today and tomorrow (June 20), zulily.com will offer great sales like the Life is good – up to 40% off, up to 70% off Calvin Klein and many more!

Only members can shop zulily events, but membership is free and signing up is quick and easy. Don’t miss your chance to shop today!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Changing the Dynamic
Wifey Wednesday: What Does Submission in Marriage Mean?
Wifey Wednesday: The Key to a Successful Marriage

Three Keys to Building a Solid Marriage

Today’s guest author is Teri Lynne Underwood, and she is sharing about marriage from the vantage-point of a pastor’s wife.

So, Sheila and I go way back. I think it was about three years ago we connected which means in blogging years, which are similar to dog years in my mind, we’ve been friends for like 21 years. I love her willingness to tackle the hard topics and write the real stuff we women need to read.

A few weeks ago, Sheila asked me if I’d write a guest post for her and of course I said yes. She suggested I share about what I’ve seen and learned about marriage from my viewpoint as a pastor’s wife. Let me be really honest: I said, “Of course! No problem!” but I was thinking, “Oh my word! What if people from my church read this and think I’m talking about them! Or, even worse, about my own marriage!” Egads!!

Finally, I decided my life isn’t much different than anyone else’s life and my church probably isn’t much different than most other churches. And since I am pretty open in encouraging women about their role as a wife, I figured I probably wouldn’t be writing anything I haven’t said to someone at one of the churches we have served.

Today I like to share three keys to building a solid marriage based on verses from Proverbs.

Support your husband.

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12

Does your husband know you are on his team? Are you actively encouraging him to be the man God created him to be? When God created Eve, he identified her as a helper for Adam. We need to be supportive of our husbands, helping them. My desire is have the epitaph of my role as a wife be that I brought Scott good, not harm, all the days of his life.

Speak graciously to your husband.

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. Proverbs 25:24

Far too often I hear women speak to and about their husbands as if he were one of their children. In no way does this honor him, our marriage, or the Lord. In fact, this can be one of the most damaging things we do to our testimony. Yes, there will be times when you disagree and even when he is wrong. But I’ve learned it never benefits my marriage to demean my husband, in conversations with him or with others. {For more on this idea, please read 10 Ways to Speak Well of Your Husband.}

Savor your marriage.

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Proverbs 5:18-19

Okay, you had to know it was coming! This is Sheila’s blog, after all: physical intimacy matters! These verses are written to men, but what if we applied them to our role as wives. I think they’d read a little like this:

You are a blessing to your husband, you, the wife of his youth. Let him delight in you, in your body. Let him enjoy you and be enamored with you and find you attractive.

I know, it’s not easy. We don’t feel attractive. But what if we determined to see ourselves through our husbands’ eyes … to accept the compliments … to be open to his touch and his desire? Go ahead, savor your marriage … in every way!

What key to a great marriage would you add?
 

 Teri Lynne Underwood is a Word lover. Idea slinger. Encourager of rest, focus, and embracing life’s seasons. Priorities include good coffee, excellent books, and lingering conversations. Delights in offering women permission to live well.

http://www.terilynneunderwood.com/

 

image source

all Scripture quotes are from the English Standard Version {ESV}

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: The Building Blocks
Marriage VLog: Should You Change to Make Your Marriage Better?
Marriage Problems: Is Marriage Counselling the Answer?

“I Messed Up”. Those are Freeing Words!

Some of the most freeing words in the world are the words, “I’m sorry. I messed up.”

Why is it freeing?

Because until we can admit that we messed up, we are stuck. We can’t move forward.

See, if your life is a mess, and your marriage is tottering, and you can’t admit where you may have done anything wrong (except choosing to marry him, of course), your marriage will never, ever get better.

Why is that?

When we focus on what everyone else has done wrong, and how we bear absolutely no responsibility for anything bad that is happening in our marriage, then we simultaneously are saying, “there is nothing I can do to change it.”

(Click here to tweet that)

Do you get that distinction?

If you did absolutely nothing to cause any hurt that you are feeling, then you also have absolutely no way out. You are completely and utterly a victim.

Is that really what you want?

I have corresponded with some people by email, and with some commenters on this blog, who can always point out a reason why there was absolutely nothing different that they could have done to change the horrible situation they are in. They had no choice. Life was just something that happened to them.

But if life was something that happened to you in the past, then life is also something that is happening to you now. And that means that you have no control over anything.

You can’t change anything.

Poppycock.

We ALWAYS have choices.

You can choose how you will react when someone treats you badly. You can make the hard choices to get others involved. You can make a radical choice to change your lifestyle, even if your spouse doesn’t change with you. You can pray more. You can love more. You can choose to think differently.

You have power over your reactions. You have power over your thoughts. You have power over your mind and heart. And most of us also have power, to a certain extent, over our money, how we spend our time, what we watch on TV or on the internet, and who we choose to spend time with.

You can change your life, and thus your marriage. You are not helpless.

Here’s how I put it in To Love, Honor and Vacuum, telling the story of 22-year-old Julia, who had just escaped an abusive marriage. She was involved in a Bible study where she would confess her sin and ask God for forgiveness.

“How deplorable!” I thought….But looking back now, I understand the reason for the emphasis on Julia’s own shortcomings. Julia sought to escape the victim role and see herself as responsible for her own actions. As a victim, Julia couldn’t choose anything. But by holding Julia accountable before God, her mentor showed Julia her freedom to make choices. If we can admit we had choices in the past, we can more easily identify our choices now. And if we have choices now, then we also have the ability to change our situation.

Julia in no way claimed even close to 50 percent of the blame for the problems in her marriage. But by acknowledging where she herself had gone wrong–even if it was just in her thought patterns–it was easier to leave her husband’s major guilt behind. She took the focus off of him and moved it onto her own relationship with God. She was gaining freedom to grow unencumbered.

In other words, she was a woman with choices.

One thing that bothers me on a personal level is when a friend comes to me with a problem, asking what she should do. And then I try to brainstorm some different courses of action, and no matter what I say, she has a reason for why that won’t work. She hates the situation she is in, but in her mind, the answer doesn’t lie with her doing anything differently. It lies with someone else doing something differently. And if we’re always waiting for someone else to do something, then essentially we’re accepting the horrible situation we are in.

We complain about it, and cry over it, and worry about it, but we don’t actually do anything about it.

This is not healthy.

How do we get out of this trap? Here are some steps, and I’m going to concentrate primarily on marriage since this is a marriage blog, but this would apply in other cases, too.

1. Recognize that You Chose This Person

When I hear people constantly complain about their husbands, I find this a little curious, because they were the ones that chose that man to marry.

If that’s you, your back is probably up already by what I’m saying. Maybe you wouldn’t have married him if you knew then what you know now, because you only found out some things after the fact. I understand; but then you married him without really knowing him well. Or perhaps you felt like you were in a difficult situation–maybe you were pregnant, or you wanted to escape an abusive home, or you were in dire straits financially.

Regardless, you still chose to walk down the aisle and marry him. So if you are so certain that he is a horrible, horrible man, and nevertheless you chose to marry him, then that also reflects on you. There is something inside you that chose a horrible, horrible man.

My mother married someone who cheated on her and left us for another woman. Within a few years of marriage he had changed quite a bit from the man that she had pledged her life to. Yet she would also be the first one to tell you that the warning signs were there, and she ignored them. She doesn’t sugar coat it; she takes responsibility. And that responsibility has allowed her to move on and build a big and meaningful life for herself. By recognizing where she went wrong, she was able to do some serious self-examination and change her own patterns of behaviour and her own relationships so that she could become healthier. And now she’s one of the most peaceful, confident women I know.

I know many of you are married to very difficult men. I do not mean to say that your husbands are NOT difficult. But the way to find healing and the way to improve your life is to recognize that you did choose him. He is not solely responsible for this negative relationship; there was something inside you that chose him.

We all need the attitude David had in Psalm 139, when he said:

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Recognize any offensive way in you. Then you can be free to start making different choices.

And if you start realizing “I chose him”, then you may also start to see the good in him again. Just because your marriage is bad now does not mean that you made a mistake in marrying him. It just means you have problems, and most problems can be worked through, in time. But as we start to realize “I chose him, I married him just as he is,” then you also see that you have a responsibility to live with this man and to make a good life with this man as he is. You can’t use the cop out, “he’s just a horrible husband”, because you still chose him. So there must be something in him that you really, really love. By recognizing our own choices, it takes us back to the things that we do love about him, and it helps us create a foundation to grow.

2. Recognize that You Have Choices Now

You were not helpless then; and you are not helpless now. You can choose what to think. You can choose how to react. If the situation is dire enough, you can get other people involved.

Perhaps you may not be able to change the big problem: the huge debt; his pornography addiction; your infertility; his lack of libido. But you can change the way you think about the problem.

You can choose to lose yourself in God. You can choose to be grateful for what you do have. You can choose to do the right thing, even if your husband doesn’t do the right thing. And the amazing thing is that when we start changing things, like our reactions, or our gratitude, or our prayer life, we do end up changing the relationship. Right now there’s a balance in your relationship. It may be an unhealthy one, but you are in balance. You each do certain things, and that is what’s normal.

Now you don’t like that normal. So the way to change it is not to wait for him to upset the balance; it’s for you to upset it yourself. Do things differently, take the choices you do have, and you will change your relationship as well.

Viktor Frankl was imprisoned by the Nazis in concentration camps during World War II. If anyone had little power to change his circumstances, it was him. And yet that was not the way he saw the world.

Let me leave you with some quotes from that great man:

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.

(Click here to tweet that)

I know many of you have difficult marriages, but God is asking you to acknowledge that you do have choice.  With Him nothing is impossible; and the work that He really wants to do with you is on your heart, not your circumstances.

Today, can you say with David, “See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me…”? That is the route to real change.



Have you ever felt helpless, but then realized that you do have choices? Tell me about it in the comments! And here’s a rule for the comments: anyone who gives a list of all the things that have happened to them without saying how they had even a little bit of choice WILL be challenged by both me and other commenters (let’s hold each other accountable!).

Deal of the Day

Yesterday, at the Worldwide Developers Conference, Apple announced that they are releasing a brand new line of MacBooks. Are you looking to upgrade your MacBook, and earn cash for your older model?

With the average trade-in value of Mac laptops at $390, Gazelle offers a fast and easy way for consumers to get cash for their used MacBooks, and other apple devices. More than 500,000 consumers have used Gazelle to sell nearly one million gadgets.

Visit Gazelle today, and see what your items are worth!

Related posts:

What is Your Marriage in 6 Words?
How Do I Forgive My Husband?