Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 237

Living a Big Life

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week I want to share about a special surprise for my mother and how she inspires me to live a big life.

There is a point in time, often in a doctor’s office, when life suddenly grows smaller. You realize that you can’t do many of the things that you loved and took for granted. Your body is growing older, and the life stretched out before you, which was once filled with possibilities, now seems far more plagued with problems.

Yet this point in time is coming far later today. Part of this is due to medical breakthroughs; yet I think expectations have also played a part. My grandmother was once asked to leave school so that she could care for “a woman of a certain age” as she went through “the change”. Decline was expected to come at fifty, and people seemed to relish the chance to add some drama to the process. Now we push it off as long as possible, and some of us even seem to avoid decline altogether.

This week I threw a seventieth surprise birthday party for my mother. The fact that she was actually surprised, and didn’t put two and two together until she was physically inside the banquet centre (and not just driving into to the banquet centre) is perhaps evidence that she is not as sharp as she once was. Since I pulled off something similar twenty years ago, though, I’m not sure you can attribute this to age.

Nevertheless, one of the thrilling aspects of planning the party was tracking down everyone to invite. My mother has a multitude of friends, and they are all very different. Some are young, like 16-year-old Liam who accompanied her on a missions trip to Kenya last summer; and some are much older, like the university friends she still keeps in contact with. Some she worked with; some she knits with; some she worships with. So many of the party-goers were close friends of hers, and yet they didn’t know each other because she floats through so many different circles. Her world is big.

It wasn’t always. In the early seventies, after a difficult marriage breakup, her world looked small. It was reduced to figuring out how to support a young child and keep going, day by day. In the eighties, cancer struck. And yet my mother began to see each day as a new possibility, and each person she met as a gift. When she finally retired a year or so ago, she did so because her volunteer work was taking up too much time, and she really needed more room for it. She didn’t relax; she simply went bigger. And it brought much joy.

Thinking of this reminds me of another woman I know, now in her mid-seventies, who had to quit teaching at 65. She was rather perturbed about it, because she loved teaching. When swimming at the YMCA one day, she was offered a job. So she trained for her lifeguarding qualifications, and began teaching swimming.

Bev taught my own girls when they were small; today they teach side by side with her. A few months ago when Bev recertified, she passed the timed swim again. Bev’s life didn’t get smaller; it got bigger, too.

Retirement was once thought of as a chance to give back to yourself. You could relax, and take things easy, and revel in one’s accomplishments. For many, that seems too small a dream. We search for significance, and joy, and purpose, and that does not have to end when one comes to the end of one’s career. On the contrary, for many it’s just the beginning.

Yes, one day our bodies will betray us. But until that day comes, I pray that I may live a big life. I pray that I may see each day as a new opportunity; each person as a potential friend; and each moment as a source of joy.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Related posts:

Lean on Me
Dreaming New Dreams
That One Perfect Person

Just DO Something as a Couple

Last night my husband and I and my in-laws went to Paul Brandt’s Just As I Am concert. It was awesome.

For those of you who don’t know Brandt, he’s a country music singer. You’d recognize some of his songs, like Convoy or Home (my personal favourite).

What many people don’t know, though, is that Paul is also a very committed Christian. So he’s got this new album out called Just As I Am where he does his own version of old gospel hits, like I’ll Fly Away and What a Friend We Have in Jesus and How Great Thou Art. He even gives a gospel invitation. And all of the proceeds from the tour are going to help an orphanage he supports in Haiti. Really great guy.

He’s got an awesome band, and the sound was amazing. I even sat through It Is Well With My Soul, which is quite a feat for me. We played that at my son’s funeral, and for the last seventeen years, whenever that song has come on at church I’ve excused myself to go to the bathroom. It’s not that I don’t agree with the words; I just don’t particularly feel like getting emotional.

But it would have been awkward to leave last night, so I sat through it, and I did okay. I even managed to sing along a bit.

Now we live in a small town, so an event like a Paul Brandt gospel concert is a big deal. It was held in the largest church which probably seats about 1800 maybe? And before the concert I just walked around saying hi to people. It was like homecoming! Everywhere you looked was someone you knew.

Here’s the thing, though:

Earlier in the day I didn’t really want to go.

I get in this groove where I like being online. I have things to do, projects to finish, emails to answer. And when I’m finished that, I sometimes just want to veg.

I think many of us are like that. I remember one teenager that I knew well who used to go to youth group and made quite a few friends there. Every time he went he had a great time. But he stopped going because it was a hassle. He liked staying home and just playing video games. And he more or less secluded himself because it was easier. He became more and more unhappy, but his life was easier.

Getting out and doing something takes effort.

It’s so much easier to flip on the TV, or surf the web, or read a book. But those things rarely feed your soul. I’ll admit a good book is a necessity sometimes, but real memories that are shared are based in shared activities. The easy route may seem preferable, but usually leads to a mediocre life. The harder route usually brings more happiness.

I will remember that concert for years; I would not have remembered the evening if we had sat at home and watched a show and knitted a bit and answered some emails.

My husband and I shared something fun (which we shared with my in-laws, too!).

When my mother turned 70 on Monday, and I was getting ready to throw her a party, one of my biggest problems was the guest list. She simply knows so many people, and knows them well. She has a ton of friends from all different walks of life.

I talked to her about it a little while ago, and she says the reason is because she makes it a point of seeing two different people every week (and sometimes more). No matter how busy she gets, she makes it a point of seeing two friends. She’s been single for a while, and she knows she needs a wide social circle. So she makes the effort.

And her life is so much richer for it.

It got me thinking about marriage. My mom’s life is richer because she makes the effort. Yes, it would be easier to sit at home and knit (she loves knitting, too!). But it would not be as fulfilling. Her life would not be as rich. So she fights against what’s easy and she does what is actually fun.

Do we do that in our relationships?

All the problems people have in their marriages–from low libidos to a husband not helping around the house to needing forgiveness–could be solved so much more easily if people simply DID things together.

When you spend time together, doing something (like not in front of a screen), you build memories.

You build goodwill. You laugh together. And that makes it so much easier to solve the problems we do have. First, because those problems diminish in importance. And second, because with the added goodwill, it’s easier to talk about things.

So let me ask you: are you settling for the easy, or are you actually DOING things together? And what could you do? The weekend’s coming, so dream a bit. Let’s do something to build a memory and to laugh a bit. Your marriage–and your life–will be richer for it.

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more

Wifey Wednesday: What the Vow Means

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a subject, and then you all can comment or link up your own marriage post in the linky below.

Today I want to talk about something really difficult.

What do you do when your marriage is just rather miserable?

I’ve really enjoyed getting to know so many of you through the comments, and Facebook, and even the occasional email (though I really don’t have time to answer all that come in), but there is a theme emerging. Often I’ll give some advice about how to change the dynamic in a marriage, or how to bring up a difficult topic, or how to feel more intimate. And I’ll get comments that say something like this:

I’ve tried all that and it just doesn’t work!

I get it. And that’s quite understandable.

Many of you are here searching for answers. There’s something really awful in your marriage–maybe he’s gruff and often mean; maybe he has no sex drive; maybe he plays video games all the time. I’m not talking about the big sin issues, like adultery or using porn. I’m talking about the everyday stuff which can totally demoralize us and weigh us down.

You want it to change. You’ve prayed. You’ve tried these strategies. And it’s not working!

But here’s a principle we must all remember:

You can do absolutely everything right, and that does not guarantee that the other person will change.

Even if you respect him and express admiration; even if you pursue a friendship with him; even if you make love with more frequency and passion, it does not guarantee that he will become tender. It does not guarantee that he will change.

That’s why we do the right thing out of obedience to God, not to try to get someone to change.

The reason you do the right thing is because God asks you to do it. Now, it just so happens that when we do change our own attitudes and behaviours, that makes it far more likely that he will in turn change. We’ve upset the dynamic in the relationship, and he is more likely to then change his behaviour in return. This is the usual course of things. But just because it’s the USUAL course of things doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed.

And for those of you who have felt like you have tried everything–you have stopped nagging, you have learned to love unconditionally, you have learned to express admiration–you’re likely exhausted. Why hasn’t he done anything back?

I know that’s a really lonely place. You’re wondering how long you can continue in this marriage. Is it even right for anyone to ask you to keep putting up with this? How can anyone expect you to stay when he is so difficult?

And so I’d like to leave you with some things to ponder:

1. A rough patch does not always stay a rough patch.

Many people give up on marriage too easily.

In their awesome book A Case for Marriage, Maggie Waite and Linda Gallagher crunched all the numbers from all the marriage surveys that had ever been done and compiled them all in one place. And one of the most interesting studies they quoted had to do with happiness and divorce.

They surveyed several thousand couples and asked them to rate their marriages on a scale from 1 to 8, with 8 being lousy and 1 being marvelous. Then they took everyone who had rated it a 7 or 8 and followed them for five years.

What they found was that the couples who divorced during those five years were more likely to report personal unhappiness than the couples who had stayed together. So divorce did not make someone happy.

Even more interestingly, 87% of couples who stayed together now rated their marriages as happier than a 7 or 8, and 78% of those couples rated it a 1 or 2.

What that tells me is that if your marriage is in the toilet, it isn’t necessarily time to flush it.

The decision to stick it out and to try often makes things better–even if it takes years. You become less critical of the other person. You decide to care for yourself so that you are strengthened in the relationship. You decide to let some things go and forgive. And your marriage grows because of it.

There’s another dynamic I’ve seen, time and again. Men who often seem to be horrible husbands in the early years of kids, when life is busy and she feels taken for granted, do not stay that way forever. When the kids get to be teens, they become more engaged with the family. When the kids leave home, and home is less chaotic, they start cleaning and doing the grocery shopping. They become better grandfathers than they were fathers.

Have they changed? Most likely. But their wives changed, too. When the kids were little, the wives were often preoccupied and demanding, inadvertently pushing their husbands away. As that dynamic changed, and as he matured, the marriage did, too. But if a frustrated wife broke up that marriage eight years in, she’d hurt her kids and she’d never be able to reap the benefits of both of them maturing together.

2. Kids Need You Together

Kids do best with married parents. Many people say, “My kids will be hurt if they grow up in this marriage. They’d be better off not seeing us treat each other like this.” There is some truth to that when the conflict is overt, and when there is always yelling, and definitely if there is abuse.

But it’s not true if there’s just a stony silence, or if the couple just isn’t tender towards each other. Kids do better in marriages with low-level conflict than they do with divorced parents.

As a child of divorced parents, I can’t emphasize this enough. It is so difficult as a kid to live a life always being sent from house to house, and never really having a home base anymore. You become the parent, not the child. That forces you to grow up way too fast, and you’re more likely to engage in destructive behaviour young. Do not do that to your children, please.

3. God is Enough for You

When  you are lonely, God will still be there. And He has promised that He will always be enough for you; that He will fill you up; that He will never leave you. He loves you. And He created marriage, and He knows how hard it can be. And so if it is difficult, cry out to Him. Lean on Him. Don’t cry out to him to change your husband; cry out to Him to feed you, to fill you, to be enough.

If you are not getting your needs met in your marriage, that’s okay. That’s when it’s time to lean on God and say, “I need to feel loved. I need to feel special.” And ask God to meet those needs. That’s when it’s okay to say, “God, I need some time to myself. I need to rejuvenate. Help me find ways to carve that into my schedule.”

If your marriage is not bringing you peace and happiness, then ask God to help you meet those needs in other ways.

But remember that marriage was NEVER supposed to replace God. He was always supposed to be your primary need. So run to Him.

4. That’s What the Vow Means

Here’s the hardest part of what I’m going to say.

The vow matters.

You vowed “for better or for worse”. You VOWED.

I know the world thinks that if you’re not happy, the marriage isn’t legitimate. That’s why many secular marriage ceremonies are leaving out vows altogether.

But if the vow meant, “we’ll stay married as long as we’re happy”, there would be no need for a vow! The vow is what will hold you together, and God asked you to make that vow. God asked you to commit, because in committing to someone for life, we’re also creating a situation where we need to lean on God. When marriage is hard, you need God more. For marriages to improve, you need to emphasize God more, and yourself less.

And marriage is the rock that keeps communities together, and churches together, and countries together. When marriages break up, everything falls apart.

I know many of you reading this are going through rough times. I know you’re sad and lonely.

But you promised. You chose this man on your own, and you vowed. Perhaps you did it out of desperation, wondering if anyone else would ever love you. Maybe you did it at a vulnerable time in your life, and you feel like it was a mistake.

But even so, you vowed. And vows matter.

At one point you loved this man enough to marry him. Can you find that in your heart again?

5. Have you Truly Surrendered?

One last thing.

I’m glad you’re on this blog, because the principles I share I believe are true. And I believe that usually they will transform a marriage.

But there’s a danger. If you are trying to become more giving, trying to become more loving, trying to become more encouraging simply because you want to change him, it won’t work. You’re still dangling something over his head. You’re still saying, “I haven’t truly committed. I haven’t truly accepted you.”

And the real key to change in marriage is to commit, to accept, and to surrender to God. That doesn’t mean you don’t work on issues; but your attitude must be right.

I know you’re tired and worn out. I know that many of you are lonely and sad and feel like there’s nowhere to turn. But there is. God truly does understand, and He wants to be your rock.

Your marriage may never be the thing that you dreamed it would be. Perhaps you need to let go of that dream and say, “marriage was not supposed to meet all of my needs.” Maybe you need to say, “I am staying because I vowed, and I will love him, but I will need God to get me through, day by day.” And that honestly is okay.

I believe that even the worst relationships can be redeemed; I’ve seen it. I believe that marital messes can become marital successes. But it often comes first by one party utterly surrendering to God and saying, “You will be enough for me.”

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up your own marriage post in the linky below!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: What It Means to Become One
Reader Question of the Week: What Touch Means
Wifey Wednesday: Carelessness is not an Option

Did You Miss These Posts? Top 10 Posts for May!

I did it! I pulled off a surprise 70th birthday party for my mom last night. I’ll tell you all about it later this week (with pictures) in case any of you ever want to try it, too. But boy am I tired!

Anyway, because I’m a little exhausted I thought I’d run a Top 10 post today. I love seeing which posts actually get traffic, and, of course, some of these you may have missed.

Now, many of my most popular posts are older ones that have been pinned a lot, or that rank high on search engines, so we’ll do the Top 10 Older Posts first, and then the Top 10 that were actually written in May.

Top 10 Posts Overall

1. 50 Best Bible Verses to Memorize

2. 50 Most Romantic Chick Flicks

3. 16 Ways to Flirt with your Husband (29 Days to Great Sex Day 10)

4. 50 Best Marriage Quotes of 2011

5. Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love?

6. Act of Marriage (29 Days to Great Sex Day 1)

7. 7 Steps to Raising a Teen Who Won’t Date Too Young

8. 7 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage

9. 25 Marriage Tips

10. 14 Ways to Play as a Couple (29 Days to Great Sex Day 8)

And here are the Top 10 Posts from May! Be sure you didn’t miss any:

1. Reader Question: My Husband Wants Something in Bed I Think is Gross

2. Avoiding Disappointment this Mother’s Day

3. What are Your Trigger Points for Conflict?

4. What if My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive Reader Question Round Up

5. Wifey Wednesday: I Have No Libido

6. 3 Steps to Amazing Sex if You’re Remarried

7. Wifey Wednesday: What is Real Intimacy?

8. Reader Question: I have no one to talk to about my marriage

9. Reader Question: How much is reasonable to expect from your spouse?

10. Wifey Wednesday: When Your Past Hurts Impact Your Marital Battles

Some interesting things I’ve noticed: It used to be that my Wifey Wednesday posts dominated the top 10. They’re still there, but it looks like people really like the Reader Questions now that I’m doing most of the answering. So that’s awesome! I’ll keep up that feature. May was the month that I changed the Reader Question so that I now give my answer to the question before asking you all to chime in (I used to just make it a free for all). Obviously people are enjoying that more! So I’ll keep that up.

It also looks like the guest posts I published in May were among the most popular, too. I just love my fellow marriage bloggers, and I’m so glad I can showcase them on this blog every now and then.

Thanks so much for reading this blog! It means so much to me that so many of you show up here everyday. I hope and pray I continue to encourage and challenge you.

Related posts:

Top Ten Posts for August
Top Ten Posts for June
Top 10 Posts for February

7 Things Marriage Bloggers Want You to Know

Today’s guest post is from Julie Sibert, who blogs at Intimacy in Marriage. I LOVE that she wrote this and sent it to me to publish. See what you think:

It’s the annual “Have You Thanked Your Marriage Blogger” Day!

Well, not really. I just made that up.

It’s actually just another day in the world of being a marriage blogger. Below are seven insights on what that looks like. (I imagine my fellow marriage bloggers, including Sheila, are nodding in agreement).

1. I am passionate about what I do.

Otherwise, I just wouldn’t do it. Seriously. Wouldn’t do it, because it is tireless work. Heart-wrenching work. Actual work. Time-consuming work. BUT, I stay the course because I care about you and your marriage. I genuinely do. I’m not trying to be a martyr about it. I just want you to understand the depth of the passion behind it.

(Sheila says: Totally agree! Grew up in a single parent family. Watched divorce hit so many of my extended family–including impacting the kids. Positive change for our communities starts with families staying stronger.)

2. I want to respond to every comment and email.

I just can’t. Sometimes because the opportunity to have sex with my husband presents itself and who really is going to choose the email inbox over making love? Not me. Too much irony… you know, throwing my own marriage under the bus while I try to save others. Not a good approach.

Other times I get really delayed in following up on comments and emails simply because I am not indispensible. I have kids who need to get to baseball practice, an empty fridge that needs to be filled, dog puke that has to be cleaned up, and bills that have to be paid. You get the picture.

My life looks a lot like your life. Messy.

All that being said, I GREATLY appreciate when you take the time to comment or email me. And my heart is always that I want to respond…. and sometimes I actually do!

(Sheila says: You betcha! You wouldn’t believe what I’m doing today and tomorrow. I’ll show you–with pictures and maybe video highlights–later this week. But it’s personal, not professional, related!)

3. I’m not greedy if I occasionally find a way to make money from my blog.

I know we all are a bit skeptical about offers and products that come from our favorite bloggers. And for some reason, when a blogger begins to make money from their online presence, people begin to question their character.

The reality is, though, that being a blogger actually costs money. I spend money regularly on hosting fees, computer programs and equipment, all to actually give you something for free. So, if I make a little money from an eBook or an affiliate product or something else I believe in, please try to see it as a way that helps me keep giving you what you want… free blog posts that may help you heal or strengthen your marriage.

(Sheila notes: My costs at this point for this blog and for my assistants are over $10,000 a year. So that’s why I have ads! )

4. I am regularly asked to promote stuff that doesn’t jive with my beliefs.

Most ethical marriage bloggers, myself included, must weed through a bunch of requests. I am asked to review books, promote other posts and websites, sell stuff – and much of it just doesn’t jive with what I believe from a Christian standpoint.

When I find the stuff that does resonate with me, I try to pass that along because I care about your marriage. You are worth this kind of discernment and time on my part.

(Sheila says: That’s why I have a “Dear Weird Internet Marketers…” feature on Facebook. Some of the things I get asked to tell you about are truly ODD).

5. I am regularly asked for insight on things I haven’t personally experienced.

I am always humbled by the emails I get where someone courageously pours out their story to me. Sometimes those stories are from people in marriages suffering intensely under the weight of porn addiction, infidelity, abuse, manipulation and depression.

I take all of this seriously, even though some of the circumstances are things I have never personally experienced. Obviously, I keep all these email conversations in confidence. I share this with you to offer you a glimpse of what happens behind the scenes of being a marriage blogger.

As much heart as I pour into the writing that you do see, there equally is as much of my heart going into privately pointing people toward resources. You wouldn’t believe some of the sadness happening behind closed doors. Maybe even in your own neighborhood. Likely even within marriages in your own church, workplace or circle of friends.

6. My own marriage is far from perfect.

I blog about sex. I know that some people think that because sexual intimacy is a mutually held value between my husband and I, that we can’t possibly have any other marriage struggles. Oh. How. I. Wish.

Truth is we are like any other married couple. We are real. We disagree, disappoint each other and struggle with many of the same things you likely do… finances, parenting, in-laws, home projects and full calendars.

Personally, though, I think the realness in my own marriage is what makes it possible for me to be a marriage blogger. Readers like yourself want to know you’re not in it alone, right? There are other people out there like you, navigating the ups and downs of matrimony. I’m one of those other people.

7. It helps to hear “thank you” every now and then.

Nothing blesses me more than when I get an email or comment from a reader who genuinely says thanks. If even one piece of insight from your favorite marriage blogger has helped your marriage, please know that when you say “thanks,” that gives us all encouragement to keep doing what we’re doing.

Sure, there’s no such thing as an annual “Have You Thanked Your Marriage Blogger” Day. But if there were, what would you say?

Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer dog who refuses to stay in the fence.

Related posts:

Marriage VLog: My Husband Used to be Addicted to Porn
Why Your Husband Wants You to Read this Marriage Blog
Stepping Outside My Bubble and Telling the World About Marriage

Reader Question of the Week: Drama King Husband

Every weekend I try to answer a Reader Question. Here’s one that I’m sure many people (both men and women) can relate to:

My husband and I have a wonderful, loving marriage but have one major issue that we just can’t seem to fix. Anytime that my husband and I get into a disagreement my husband over reacts, even if it’s over something simple. First he becomes defensive, then he’ll put the blame on me, next he becomes irate, he then will threaten to kill himself (it used to be that I would immediately end the argument when he would do this but now I just tell him to knock it off). After going through all of this are we able to address the issue but by that time we are both so emotionally exhausted that we don’t even want to deal with the issue at hand. It’s so frustrating. For once I wish we could just talk about a problem with out all of the drama! Sometimes I just don’t even want to tell him how I feel about something because I just don’t want to go through his routine. But the problem with that is that nothing gets fixed if we don’t talk about our problems. How do I deal with his “drama queen” ways so that we can have healthy arguments and actually get somewhere with our problems?

Great question! This is really classic behaviour that many people that have a fear of conflict show. They try to deflect the blame everywhere they can, and when that doesn’t work, they grow very passive aggressive, in this case threatening suicide.

It can take on several forms: “I’m such a bad husband. How could you even love me?” Or “I’m a terrible wife. I’ll never, ever be good enough. I’m just a failure at everything.”

It deflects blame, too, because now instead of talking about the issue you end up reassuring your spouse that they’re not a failure, when the issue WASN’T that they were a failure in the first place. It was just that they were doing one thing that you wanted to talk about.

I don’t have time to write a long post on this one, because I’ve got a ton of errands to run today, but here are some quick thoughts:

1. The Root is a Fear of Rejection

I actually understand this dynamic really well, because in many ways I AM that husband. This is the biggest problem in our marriage; I have a hard time just listening to Keith when he has a simple problem he wants solved.

So let me try to spell out what the husband is doing here at each stage, because I get it. I grew up with a lot of rejection issues and I brought them into our marriage, and it’s been hard for me to learn to react helpfully during disagreements.

Why is he deflecting blame? Why tell her she has no right to feel that way? Because if he can convince her that she’s wrong to have those feelings then she’ll realize that she has no reason to be angry and she won’t leave. Now, obviously that’s not logical; the best way to deal with a problem is to DEAL with it, not dismiss it, but that is likely the core of what is going on.

Then he becomes angry to see if he can get her to stop going on about it that way.

The despondency is often a very real feeling; what he’s reacting to is a fear that she will leave, and he does feel like a failure. But he also knows that this is a powerful weapon, and so he uses it.

The key to all of this, though, is often that fear that she will leave, or stop loving him.

2. Talk About How to Solve Problems Before They Hit

When no one is angry about anything, sit down and say, “what’s going to be our game plan to solve problems? How should we talk about them?” And let your spouse have some input. Ask him, “what’s a good way of expressing that I’m upset about something without making you feel like a failure?”

3. Start Conversations About Problems with Reassurances

When you do have an issue you need to bring up, sit him down, and start with five things he does really well and reiterate that you totally love him and won’t leave him.

That’s hard to do when you’re mad, but it can stop the domino effect which is often caused by him being insecure. Deal with the insecurity first, before the other stuff, and it may be easier for him to listen.

4. Use Something Tangible

Write down what your issue is and put it on a piece of paper. It could be something simple, like, “I feel as if you don’t take my parenting concerns seriously about Johnny’s behavior”, or something. Then write on a few other pieces of paper, “I know you love me.” “I love you.” “I love how you’re romantic.”

And say to him, “all of these things are true at the same time.”

Have him write down some truths as well–some about difficulties and some about things that are going well. That helps you keep perspective.

5. Sit Beside Each Other

Here’s another tangible, practical thing you can do: sit on the same side of the couch with those issues that you wrote down in front of you, rather than between you. Now you’re going to deal with that issue together, you’re not going to let it come between you.

Those are just really quick ideas to handle the actual disagreement better. I’d also say, perhaps sit down with a counselor and mentor couple and work out where the insecurity comes from, if he’s willing. And absolutely keep spending time together and working on your friendship so you feel part of a team.

Here are some other thoughts on resolving conflict that I’ve written before:

Being a PeaceMAKER Rather than a PeaceKEEPER

Talking About the Real Issue

Do You Have the Same Fight?

The Right Kind of Fight

Final thoughts: if you can push through this, you will find your marriage closer than ever. When Keith pushed through all my barriers and all the weapons that I tried to use against him, he showed me that he loved me no matter what. And it was difficult, but I grew stronger, and he grew stronger, and we grew stronger together. And now, with God’s help, I’m better able to stop that cycle.

What about you? Are you a drama queen? Or are you married to a drama king? What solutions have you found to this cycle?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Refuses to Work
Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Reader Question of the Week: He Won’t Take Our Finances Seriously!

Declaring War on Work

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column was more centered around Ontario, where I live, and so I thought I’d rerun this column from two years ago, before most of you were reading this blog, that I really enjoyed.

The school year will be winding up soon, so high school seniors are planning their futures. And the default for many students is university.

Now university is worth it if you’re aiming for a specific job. And learning is certainly a worthy endeavour on its own. Nevertheless, I worry that we’re pushing so many kids into the university stream without giving them other options.

It seems that every parent yearns for that university degree for their child, but I know many credentialed twenty-somethings currently working in Chapters or fast food joints. Not too many jobs exist for History majors or Sociology majors or English literature majors. And meanwhile the kids have spent close to $100,000, and foregone the income they could have earned some other way.

It’s that other way that Mike Rowe, the Dirty Jobs guy from the TV series, wants people to start thinking seriously about. Dirty jobs can be incredibly rewarding, physically fun, and get us back in touch with the world around us. We live our lives with iPhones and Blackberries, trying to keep connected to each other. But in the meantime we’ve lost touch with the physical side of life; we don’t use our brawn, thinking the brain is all that matters.

And we forget that the brain is actually involved in many dirty jobs. In one video I recently watched of Mike Rowe, he was working on a sheep farm when it came time to castrate the male lambs. The farmer showed him how to do it: you stick the testicles between your teeth and let ‘er rip.

Rowe was appalled. He knew the correct and humane way to do it (based on research he did on his Blackberry) was to put an elastic band around said body part until it swelled up and fell off on its own.

The farmer invited him to do it, and so he banded the lamb. The lamb soon became immobilized with pain and fell down, panting. On the other hand, the lamb who had undergone the bite and rip procedure was already trotting off with his companions, as if nothing had happened.

And Rowe realized that much of what he knew about the world was wrong. He called that moment a turning point. What we have done, he says, is to assume that the people that work in front of computers are smart, while the people who do the real work out in the world are dumb. And in reality, it’s the people who do the real work who actually often understand the world better.

What we need, Rowe says, is a PR campaign for manual labour. We need a PR campaign that says hard work is actually beneficial, and fun, and rewarding. To climb into bed at the end of a day feeling as if you have done a good day’s work isn’t something to be ashamed of; it’s something to be proud of.

Our society seems to believe that hard work is something that one must avoid at all costs. We must have cushy jobs that are inside, in front of a computer screen, accompanied by tons of meetings. For most university students, that is what their futures will be. For many that will be a good life. But not for all.

Our high school students need to know that a life of manual, skilled labour is something that can be very rewarding psychologically, physically, and financially. It isn’t something to steer clear of. And maybe if we began to praise those dirty jobs more, we’d get back to our roots of what’s really important, and we’d stop being such pretentious snobs. It’s worth a try.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Related posts:

The War on Work
Quick Thought: College Debt is Too High. Period.
A Hard Day’s Work

When Your Marriage is in Crisis–Fight!

There’s a great scene in the movie Laws of Attraction when Julianne Moore and Pierce Brosnan, who have been in crisis, meet up in a grocery store. And Julianne Moore says, “Sometimes they say you have to fight for your marriage. Do you want to fight?”

So let me ask you today, “are you willing to fight“?

Because sometimes we’re too quick to give in to defeat and feelings of anger and bitterness and disappointment and even just plain hurt and heartache.

Let me tell you of one email I received today, which is quite typical. Here’s the situation:

She’s always been sensitive about her body. She’s a little overweight and not very well endowed. But she used to have fun buying cute lingerie and making herself pretty for him. Then, when she was pregnant, she found out that he was watching porn and that he had cheated on her. He’s now done a complete 180. He’s strong with God. He’s a great dad. He’s truly repentant. He’s got accountability, and he’s not using porn.

It’s not really about forgiving him, she says. That’s not her problem. The problem is that now she doesn’t feel sexy. What’s the point? She used to do all these “fun” things to attract him and they didn’t work. He strayed anyway. All that work in preparing herself and all the while he was looking at women with totally different bodies. He simply isn’t attracted to her. And every time he touches her she feels that. So they just don’t make love anymore, and she doesn’t know how to get past it. How can she ever feel attractive to him again?

Do you feel her pain? I certainly do. That would be so awful; to feel like your husband went for a totally different body type. To feel as if no matter what you did, you could never be good enough. The rejection would be huge.

But here’s the thing: it’s precisely because that hurts so much that it is such an effective weapon. And so you now have a choice:

1. Do I give in to what are perfectly legitimate feelings? Do I let the anger drive a permanent wedge between us?

2. Do I fight against these feelings and try to rebuild intimacy?

Most people choose #1 because they don’t see a choice. That’s how I feel, after all. I can’t change my feelings. And he’s the one who cheated! It’s not me who is wrecking the marriage; it’s what he did.

I realize that. But so what if you’re right? What does being right get you? It lets you feel perfectly righteous all the way to divorce court. It doesn’t rebuild a relationship. Or maybe you never split up, but you lead two completely separate lives under the same roof, and that is not good for your children.

I truly think the only option is #2. You’ll never find peace or intimacy if you pursue #1. You may say, “he needs to make it up to me,” but how can he? He can’t take it away.

And so the ball is in your court–even if that feels unfair.

So fight! Here are some thoughts on how:

1. Recognize that your husband is not the enemy

This is a tough one. Your husband was the one who did wrong. Your husband cheated on you. But right now, he is not the enemy. He loves you and wants to rebuild the relationship. The enemy is Satan, or, if you don’t like that, the enemy is all of these negative thoughts that are in your head trying to pull the two of you apart.

Think about it this way: what would you do if someone threatened your child? You would fight with every ounce of strength that you had to protect your child.

Divorce hurts kids. And what is threatening your child right now? It’s not what he did. It’s those thoughts that are tearing you apart.

If you would fight a stranger tooth and nail who was trying to hurt the kids, then put that same energy into fighting those thoughts.

Yes, it’s hard. They’re legitimate feelings. But that’s why you have to FIGHT. Fight is not a calm word. It takes energy. It takes emotion. It’s difficult. But you have to do it.

2. Rebuild Trust

Right now you’re fixating on all the ways that he chose other women over you–again, very understandably. But if you’re going to move ahead, you have to build something new–build some place in your relationship where he’s obviously choosing you. So work on your friendship. Do things together. Go for walks after dinner just to talk. Share dreams. Plan about where you’d like your family to be in five years. Make financial plans together. Make vacation plans. Plan for what you want to do with your children.

If you can play together, and do things together, and look at the future together, you’ll start to think of yourself as a unit again.

3. Pray

Sex is more than just physical. Sex is also supposed to be a true spiritual connection. Making love is not the same as having sex. What your husband did was have sex with other women–and fantasize about other women. But what he has with you is far deeper. It’s about a total becoming one flesh. It’s a complete connection. And ultimately he chose you. Maybe you worry he did that because of the kids. That’s understandable. But even that shows that there is something special that you share that no one else does. Your connection is deeper than theirs.

So deepen it. Spend time praying together, even if it’s tough (that’s where the fighting comes in again!). If you can start to feel like you’re spiritually one, it’s easier to break through other barriers. And it’s easier to want to feel intimate in other ways again.

4. Be Honest

You’re insecure. It’s okay to tell him that. It’s okay to ask him to go slow and to try to woo you again. Ask him to show you that he enjoys your body, too. And if he’s having a hard time because he’s all tied up in guilt, take things slowly. Don’t necessarily make love, but spend time naked together. Be intimate. Just kiss. Start small and see if feelings return.

It’s okay to make love while you’re crying for all the things you’ve lost. It’s okay to make love while your heart is breaking. And his probably is, too. That’s just being honest, and sometimes when we’re honest the sexual feelings come even more powerfully. So be honest, but don’t avoid intimacy. Just try to build it based first and foremost on you being one flesh, not on it just being about sexual desire.

5. Take Pride in Yourself

One last thing: if you become so insecure about your body, and say, “there’s no point in even trying because I wasn’t good enough when I did try”, who do you end up punishing? Your husband? Certainly, because men are visually stimulated.

But I think you punish yourself more. If you let yourself become dumpy, for lack of a better word, how are you going to feel about yourself? How are your children going to see you?

You are a beautiful woman. God created you just as you are. Whether your husband rejected you or not, you are still lovely in God’s eyes. It’s not about how your husband sees you; it’s about how you see yourself and how God sees you. If you become dumpy, you’re letting the world know, “I don’t think I’m worth much.” But if you put effort in, and take pride in your appearance, you’re letting the world know, “I like who I am. I’m comfortable with me. If other people don’t share that feeling, that’s their problem, not mine.”

Which do you think is more beneficial to you, and your kids, in the long run? Putting in effort, or letting yourself fall apart?

You see, my friends, if you give in to those negative feelings, all you do is punish yourself (and your kids, and your husband). They’re legitimate, sure, but it’s not worth it. So FIGHT. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes effort. But God loves a good fight, and He is there to do battle for you. He is waiting for you to put on your armour and say, “I’m entering the battle field.” Do that, and He will show up, big time, and will fight for you.

It reminds me of this graphic I put up on Facebook this week:

Related posts:

Can God Really Transform a Marriage?
Marriage Problems: Is Marriage Counselling the Answer?
Christian Marriage or Christ-Centered Marriage?

Wifey Wednesday: What Is Real Intimacy?

It’s Wednesday, so it’s our day to talk about marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts, or leave a comment answering today’s question.

Today J from Hot, Holy and Humorous is guest posting for us! Here she talks about one of my favourite subjects: How sex is intimate on so many levels beyond just the physical:

Intimacy is a word often used by Christian authors and speakers regarding marriage and sexuality. Anytime you choose a word, you hope its meaning is agreed upon by both speaker and audience so that you can effectively convey an idea. Do we agree on what intimacy is?

The Merriam-Webster definition of intimate includes:

belonging to or characterizing one’s deepest nature;

marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity; and

of a very personal or private nature.

None of that specifically denotes sex.

Wives tend to focus on words like deepest, close, association, familiarity. Intimacy describes a connection they feel, or want to feel, with their husbands, which they can often get through conversation and affection.

Meanwhile, mention the word intimacy to husbands, and plenty of them hear boom-chicka-bow-wow in their heads. They immediately fixate on SEX. “Want intimacy, wife? Great! Here’s the bedroom!”

Who’s right? What is this elusive concept of intimacy? And what does it look like in a marriage?

Husbands and wives are describing different parts of the elephant. If you’re not familiar with that analogy, an Indian fable tells of six blind men who wanted to know what an elephant was. One man felt the elephant’s side and described it as a wall, another felt the tusk and declared it like a spear, yet another felt the trunk and said it was like a snake, one more felt the leg and swore it was like a tree, another felt its ear and claimed it was like a fan, and the final one felt its tail and said it was like a rope. They argued among themselves who was right.

They all were. They were each correct but simply failed to merge their images into one complete picture.

Like that elephant, intimacy can be described from different vantage points—mental, emotional, recreational, physical, spiritual and sexual. Regardless, intimacy is knowing someone at a deep level.

However, marital intimacy is special, in that it can include all of these perspectives.

In an ideal marriage, a couple shares their thoughts, hopes, dreams, emotions, happiness, and disappointments. They have a mental and emotional connection.

They spend time together doing things and touching affectionately so that they have recreational and physical connections.

They foster one another’s walk of faith, attending church and praying together, sharing their spiritual struggles and joys, and challenging each other toward greater closeness with God.

But while we can have intimate friendships with emotional or spiritual connection, it is only with one’s spouse that we are physically fully revealed and connected.

And while you can have a good marriage and be missing a component or two of those listed, if you want a GREAT marriage, you must nurture all of them, including sexuality. Moreover, sexuality can encompass in some respect all of the other forms of intimacy.

Mental:

Your minds are focused entirely on one another as you come together.

Emotional:

Your time together reflects your feelings of love and desire for one another.

Recreational:

Sexual encounters should be pleasurable and fun for both spouses.

Physical:

Marital sexuality requires physical effort and attention to physical arousal.

Spiritual:

Healthy sexuality in marriage becomes transcendent in some ways, as you experience a connectedness that is blessed by the Father himself.

So when you hear “marital intimacy”, I hope that you hear more than simply sex or connection because it goes beyond that. Marital intimacy involves a deep knowledge of your spouse in several areas, including the special area of sexuality.

How do you define intimacy in your marriage? Do you feel that sense of intimacy when you make love in your marriage? How does sexuality have a mental, emotional, recreational, physical, or spiritual component for you?



Thanks, J! J blogs at Hot, Holy, Humorous, where she tackles complicated issues in the bedroom with humour and grace.

Now, what thoughts do you have for us today? Enter the URL of a blog post you’ve written on marriage in the linky below, and then be sure to link back here so other people can read some great marriage thoughts!

Related posts:

What Is Real Intimacy?
Wifey Wednesday: Talk About the Real Issue
Wifey Wednesday: Real Wisdom from Our Marriage Weekend

‘Twas My Birthday and I’ll Gloat If I Want To…

So I had my forty-something birthday on the weekend! And I asked you all to give me a present: Help me get to 10,000 followers on Facebook. And you did! Thank you!

But I wasn’t exactly sitting around staring at my computer all day. My husband and I started bird watching a year ago. He’s more into it than I am, but I do enjoy getting outside, and spotting something new is always fun. So we decided to do a “big day” and see how many species we could see over a twenty-four hour period. We went down to Prince Edward County near where we live and ended up with 63 species, which was our biggest day yet.

We saw a meadowlark on a telephone line,

A killdeer by the side of the road,

Lots of warblers, including this American redstart,

Cedar waxwings,

A rose-breasted grosbeak,

A red-eyed vireo,

And tons more! It was really buggy (with midges, not mosquitoes, so they don’t sting, but still). And we had to hold our breath a lot. But it was still fun!

But we never saw a single chickadee. Now, many of you don’t understand why that’s so weird, but in our neck of the woods, if you take a ten minute drive anywhere in the city you will see seven birds, guaranteed: pigeon, red-winged blackbird, ring-billed gull (seagull), mourning dove, crow, robin, and usually Canada goose. Look a little more and you’ll see a blue jay and a chickadee. They’re just incredibly common.

So we saw tons of rare stuff, but not a single chickadee. It was strange.

And it made me think that sometimes we get into ruts, when we’re just expecting that things will go a certain way. And it makes us not try.

The reason chickadee isn’t on our list is because occasionally we’d hear them, but we never went looking (like we did for other birds), because we just assumed, “aw, we’ll see one later today.” Because we always do.

And that’s the way it is with life, too. You always see things. Until the day you don’t.

So don’t take things for granted.

Don’t take your husband for granted, or your kids for granted, or God for granted, or your blessings for granted. Everything, and everyday, is a miracle from God. A chickadee, as common as it is, is a miracle. And if we forget to be grateful for the common things, and only search after the uncommon things, soon we may miss the common things.

If we forget to be grateful when he brings home a paycheque, or plays with the kids, or kisses us when he steps in the door, and instead we’re always looking for big romantic gestures, or for him to lead major family devotions, or for him to start reading parenting books, we may start to miss when he does bring home a paycheque, or when he does play with the kids. The common things are wonderful, too.

Where I’m Heading in the Next Year

Birthdays are always a great time to re-evaluate, and when I look back on the last year, so much has happened. I’ve gotten to know many of you through this blog, and I’m grateful for that! A year ago I was in the middle of the launch for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex; since then I’ve launched 31 Days to Great Sex, and I love hearing from you all about what a difference that’s made in your marriage.

But while I’ve been spending more time on the blog lately, I’ve let some of my writing go. So this summer I have big plans! We’ll be camping a lot, and I want to just WRITE. I have one book proposal to write, one second edition of To Love, Honor and Vacuum to start, one ebook to write (How to Make Love, not Just Have Sex, about how to experience a greater level of intimacy if sex seems shallow), and one product to create (that you’re going to love). I doubt I’ll get it all done, but I want to take a good stab at it. (If you want to make sure you’re notified when any of my new ebooks or products come out, just sign up for my newsletters.)

I feel almost freed up to concentrate on writing because the big things on my blog and website are done. For the last few months I’ve done some major renovations around here, fixing the blog, and then the website, and then moving over all my newsletter subscribers. Have you signed up yet? I’m especially proud of my marriage newsletter that goes out once a month, with highlights from the blog, Facebook, and Pinterest from that month, along with some neat archived posts you may have missed. Sign up for my newsletters on the sidebar, or just go here. I’d love to keep in touch more!

And speaking of the sidebar, I just loaded a new carousel widget from Amazon where you can see all my books! I think it’s kinda pretty.

So here I am, one year older. I’ll be an empty nester in two short years. That’s really creeping up on me. I want to make the most of my time left with my youngest daughter (my oldest is moving out in three months!). And I’ll hopefully get some writing done along the way. But most of all, I want to keep my marriage fresh so that when it is just the two of us (plus God!), we won’t feel like strangers.

What about you? How do you stop from taking things for granted?

 

No related posts.