Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 241

What I’m Reading in April

It’s time for the April installment of “What I’m Reading”. I get so many requests to review books, and I can’t get through them all. But I wanted to give up and coming authors a chance to get in front of my audience. So once a month I’ll be letting you know about three books by new authors that I think may interest you. I try to choose books that focus on marriage, parenting, or Christian women’s themes. You can be featured in the future, too!

Second Cup of Hot Apple Cider

A collection of inspiring stories that will make you laugh, make you ponder, and even make you tear up!

Just like the Chicken Soup for the Soul books, the Hot Apple Cider series publishes short pieces from great authors–in this case, 37. Sure you can read it one sitting, but I’d really recommend reading one at a time. Each piece is carefully chosen, and is a gem–and you’ll want to chew on them for a while. (True confession: I’ve even kept these books in my bathroom. Hey, you always need great short reads in there, right?). And there’s a mixture: a few profound poems; fiction stories that will make you weep; and reflections on life that will make you laugh–especially the one about menopause (“women of a certain age”, I should say).

Judi Peers reminds us, through a memory of an antique yard sale, that “God doesn’t see our past–He sees our potential.” And Glynis Belec discovers that even during cancer treatment, you can still laugh! My real life friend N.J. Lindquist (many of the authors of this series are my In Real Life friends) shares a fictional story of a 25th high school reunion–and how an insecure woman finds that her fears really weren’t warranted after all. And one that brought me to tears was Ann Brent talking about meeting her father for the first time–as an adult. As an estranged daughter of a father myself, I understand that confusion. My friend Les Lindquist shares the experience of being downsized at 57, and realizing that you STILL don’t know what you want to be when you grow up–but now  you have a unique opportunity to find out!

And, dear friends, there is much about marriage in this collection, too. My dear friend Heidi McLaughlin tells the heartbreaking story of hearing the news that her first husband had died of a sudden heart attack at age 49. And yet God sent friends to surround her and love her. Mary Ann Benjamins, mother of four little ones, shares the story of hearing her cancer diagnosis, and what that did with her marriage. And Glynis Belec discovers that even during cancer treatment, you can still laugh!

Probably one of my favourite pieces is called “Chrysalis” by my Real Life Friend Ruth Smith Meyer, relating how the quietness and strength that had attracted her to her husband drove her crazy after they were married. She’d ask him what he was thinking, and he’d reply “Nothing.” It was always, “nothing.” And she found them drifting apart because they didn’t understand each other. On their ninth anniversary, her husband announced he wasn’t leaving. He would still provide for her and the kids. But their marriage was dead to him.

Sound familiar yet?

Yet in the midst of that, she heard, “what the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly.” And from those broken pieces of her marriage God built something beautiful. If any of you need hope, this is it!

My friend Ed Hird shares a powerful one about marriage. He says, “Inside the heart of each and every one of us, there is a longing to be understood by someone who really cares. When a person is understood, he or she can put up with almost anything in the world.” And isn’t that part of why God designed marriage? To be a strength for us? Yet that understanding can be so difficult because we’re simply different. And we come into marriage with expectations of what our spouses should do for us. Ed offers a perspective of what really builds intimacy.

While there are stories of cancer, and children’s illnesses, and prodigals, I don’t want to give the impression that the stories are all about tragedies. No, in fact, I find what the stories do is point us to Jesus. In our pain, He is there, and each piece weaves a tale of the same cry: Live a big life. Don’t let these things bog you down when He wants more for you! Go out and find joy, don’t wait for it to come to you. It’s all in a Second Cup of Hot Apple Cider.

For The Love of Our Husbands

Has your husband taken a backseat to your kids, your job, your church, your life? That’s what Darby Dugger found. She says:

My husband, Jason, and I had been married almost four years when we were blessed with our first child, Havana, in October of 2008. Though we had not been married very long, I loved my role as a wife. I enjoyed praying for Jason and serving him in every way. However, it wasn’t long after the birth of our daughter that I realized the majority of my thoughts, actions, and prayers were now directed toward her. Of course, I still loved Jason very much, but I am embarrassed to admit that he took a backseat in our family. So when New Year’s rolled around a few months later, a friend suggested I pray very specifically each day for my husband. I made it my resolution.

And over the next year she wrote out specific prayers for him each week. She’s turned those 52 prayers and meditations into a wonderful book, For the Love of Our Husbands, that I know will bless your marriage and increase your love for your husband. Each week has a challenge section–a meditation and a very practical challenge for us to grow our love. Then it’s followed by a prayer and Scripture section, where we are encouraged to pray “big” prayers for our husbands, so that they may see the blessing of God in their lives.

I really relate to Darby, because she wrote this when she had a young child, and when her husband was studying for his finals to become a board-certified physician. Been there, done that. And it is stressful! When your husband is busy, but you are also busy with little ones, it’s so easy for the marriage to go downhill. You see all the things you have to do by yourself, and it becomes really frustrating. Darby didn’t want to go down that road, and so she decided to be intentional about making sure she kept on track, making her marriage her priority.

It’s an artistically done ebook (and paperback), making it a pleasure to read. But it’s also very convicting. She asks in the first challenge, for instance, what are your distractions from loving your husband? For her, she found she was turning to music instead of conversation. Do you have the TV on too much? Do you spend too much time on Facebook?

Another week encourages us to keep our expectations in check. She relates one time when her husband went out for Indian food for lunch with a friend, and didn’t bring her back anything, even though he knew she loved it. Yet she hadn’t asked him. When those feelings of irritation well up, can we put a check on them?

She walks us through forgiveness, being intentional with our time and our love, and growing our spiritual life together. What I liked about the book especially, though, is that she doesn’t “overspiritualize” marriage. She also includes the practical, encouraging us to fight the frump for our husbands–a topic near and dear to my heart! And she talks about such things as dealing with finances, vacations, and even how to start the day well with your husband–something that she hasn’t quite mastered yet! And, of course, she talks about sex.

I loved her challenge of remembering that “my husband is my home”, not my parents, not my house, not my hometown. Your commitment to your husband means that when you are with him, you are at home. A great thing to remember!

If we women honestly worked through this book on a weekly basis, and prayed those prayers and took those challenges to heart, our marriages would be transformed. Our hearts would be transformed. And we would feel much closer to God.

However, these types of books really aren’t meant to be read in one sitting. They’re meant to be LIVED, as Darby wrote them, one week at a time, so you get the best benefit out of them. So if you feel like your marriage needs something, if you feel like you’re walking through life always slightly irritated at your husband, and disappointed in your marriage, then get For the Love of Our Husbands (available in paperback or ebook).

Love’s Memory

It’s hard for a novel to really impress me with its take on marriage, but I did so enjoy this one. When your marriage has become a shell, and you find yourself feeling increasingly isolated and insecure, how to rebuild? And do you even want to?

Sharon O’Donnell has written Love’s Memory, the first installment in the Scotts of Mountain Ridge series, focusing on a family of three–husband, wife, and one teenage daughter–who are uprooted from their farm and moved across country where there are better economic opportunities.

When she was a teenager from an abusive home, Valerie needed a savior, and she found one in good-looking athlete Manny. But their marriage means the end to his athletic scholarship. Instead, he struggles to eke out a living on the family farm, and when the economic downturn hits, bankruptcy looms. To avoid it, he decides to move the family to where Valerie’s wealthy sister lives. Valerie experiences this as a betrayal, since her relationship with her sister has always been rocky and characterized by jealousy on both sides. And as Valerie loses her home, she fears her sister will take her husband and daughter, too. She becomes a shell of herself, stops taking care of her appearance, and loses her confidence.

When an accident strikes and she loses her memory, her family is desperate to find her. But she finds great peace with some older Christians who give her shelter and God’s truth. Without her memory, and her shame, Valerie becomes beautiful again. So when she learns she’s actually married, will she want to become that mousy woman she sees in that picture? And can Manny win her back?

A great portrait of how we women can lose ourselves to shame, and how God’s love–and a husband’s tenderness–can bring us back. I really enjoyed Love’s Memory–available in paperback or as an ebook.

Related posts:

What I’m Reading: New Books for You to Enjoy
Some Easy Reading for You…
Christmas Reading

Wifey Wednesday: How to Get a Healthy View of Sexuality When Your Past is All Messed Up

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage (though, to be honest, I talk about it most days!) . You can even link up your own marriage posts in the linky below.

Today’s post is by an anonymous blogger, who has not gone public about her past. But she has written me a wonderful post that explains how one’s view of sex can get so warped–and how God wants to redeem it.

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I am passionate about what Sheila does in writing, blogging, and speaking the truth about God’s plan for sex, because I know from experience that a skewed view of sex creates challenges in life and especially in marriage.

Friends these days know me as a Jesus-loving wife and homeschooling mom, involved in ministries both in and out of church – but I am also a former strip club dancer who used sex for anything other than the purposes God intended.

I always knew Jesus.

Growing up in a conservative Christian family, I can never remember a time when I didn’t believe in Jesus. I planned to wait to have sex until I was married, but after getting into a serious relationship, it seemed “good enough” that we were planning to get married someday. (Sadly, I think that’s the story for far too many Christian girls.) Looking back, I realize even then I was learning to use sex. In order to keep this boy head over heels about me, I felt like I needed to keep things ever more exciting so he didn’t stray. Even so, after a few years, he found someone more exciting, and we broke up.

As a pretty girl with a flirty personality, I learned I could easily attract attention from men of all ages. I convinced myself that as long as I didn’t actually have sex with all the guys I made out with, then I was still a “good girl.” Little by little, I got better at distancing myself emotionally from anything that should’ve been intimate, and I liked the power that gave me. I became more promiscuous and being a “good girl” wasn’t important anymore. Friends told me I thought like a [stereotypical] guy, because I was the one that dumped my lover before things got too serious, or hooked up with someone I met at a bar just because I could.

I started “using” sex for power

By the time I was 21, I was working at a strip club, making a living as a real-life pornographic image. This was an “upscale” club so there was no touching allowed between the patrons and the performers, but we stripped down to nothing and paid our bills by creating lust. I can’t blame my choices on drugs or alcohol; I was never into drugs and nearly everything I did in the club and out of the club was while purely sober. I’ve heard porn stars say they feel empowered by what they do; as strange and messed up as that sounds, I understand those feelings if they are based on believing Satan’s lies about sex. There were moments on stage, with men lined up to pay me to take off my clothes, that I felt a crazy sort of power over them. Now, however, my heart breaks to think of how much sin I encouraged in the minds of so many men.

All that time, I never doubted God’s existence, or His power, or His authority. I believed in Jesus, but didn’t give Him control of my life. Even while working as a strip club dancer, I still prayed – but these prayers were mostly me explaining to God why I was doing what I was doing, somehow hoping I’d get His approval for living how I wanted to live. Even while so deeply involved in sin, I could see that God was protecting me, and it is only by His grace that I did not end up falling one step further into prostitution. No one in my life was willing to call me out on this sinful lifestyle. After all, I was a “smart and responsible” young woman who owned my own home, didn’t do drugs, and had never gotten pregnant. My parents divorced when I was a teen, and my dad was living with a stripper he’d met at another club, so there was nothing he could say about it without being completely hypocritical. Only one friend told me she didn’t agree with my choice – but she did so by calling me names and vowing never to speak to me again: this approach was hurtful, but not effective in changing my way of thinking.

Eventually, I moved in with and later married a man I’d met in the club, and I quit stripping. Our relationship was based on a messed up ideal of sex, not intimacy. He had spent a great deal of time in strip clubs over the years, had been at least as promiscuous as I had been, and was addicted to porn. With this basis to our relationship, we decided it was time to “settle down” and start living a Christian life the best we knew how.

We couldn’t forge a good marriage because our ideas about intimacy were so messed up.

Because our sex life was based on pornographic ideals, it was never healthy. Neither of us had any clue what truly intimate sex was suppose to be. Once we had a child, it was not uncommon for us to go six months or more without sex. A few struggling years later, he was still looking at porn, and I began an emotional affair that became the last straw in breaking a marriage that was precarious at best.

It wasn’t until the midst of my divorce that I finally reached rock bottom, abandoned by some of my closest friends and family, and facing the possibility of losing custody of the child I loved more than life itself. Never before had I felt truly out of control. God used this time to break me so He could rebuild me. After a lifetime of believing in Him, it was then I surrendered to Him.

Now I’m moving ahead–but with a lot of baggage.

I want my children to understand how important purity is because it affects more than the just the now. It is far bigger than whether or not they get pregnant or catch an STD; it affects their hearts, minds, and souls. To this day, I still struggle with overcoming all that I messed up in regards to sex. I am married to a wonderful man who loves the Lord, but I struggle with being the kind of wife I want to be. I struggle with learning what real intimacy is, and I struggle with allowing myself to be vulnerable with my husband because for me, sex had become a power game.

Thankfully, God’s grace covers my past – all of it. But if I’d made different choices, I wouldn’t have this baggage that adds to the many challenges that already exist in marriage. That’s why I so fervently want our kids to understand the truth of God’s plan for sex.



Thanks so much for sharing that! And I just want to add something: what she said about how in her first marriage, they would go for 6 months without sex–that’s really common. I hear that all the time from people. When your view of sex is skewed, it becomes so much about the physical, and about power, and not about love, that you can actually lose your drive for another person. That’s why porn and erotica don’t actually BUILD your sex life; they level it. I’m glad she shared, and I’d just challenge all of us to understand that our view of sex has such an impact on our sex lives. And if your view is skewed, take it to Jesus, because He so wants to breathe His truth into your life.

Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which talks about how to see sex as emotional and spiritual, and not only physical. And it shows you how that combination creates the best physical fireworks!

Now, what would you like to share with us today? Link up a marriage post in the linky below (please enter the URL of your post, not your blog). And be sure to share Wifey Wednesday on your blog, too, so that others will come here and see all these great marriage posts!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Getting Over Your Husband’s Sexual Past
Wifey Wednesday: Recovery from the Guilt of Your Sexual Past
Wifey Wednesday: Do You Need Controls/Filters on Your Computer?

Is Masturbation in Marriage Wrong?

For some reason I’ve received a rash of emails this week from women who are at their wits’ end. They’d like to have sex more regularly. They’d like to feel intimate in their marriages. But their husbands seem to prefer masturbation to sex. And several women have told me, “my husband says that it’s not a sin if we’re married and he’s just thinking about me. He tells me I can’t complain.”

I beg to differ.

Sex is supposed to be mutual.

God made sex to reflect the longing that He feels to be united to us. So He put inside of us a longing to be united to our husbands, and He put inside our husbands a longing to be united to us. We want to feel that kind of intimacy, that kind of true “knowing”. We want to be joined.

Now sexual pleasure is all wrapped up in that, but our actual need is for intimacy. Intimacy is expressed through sex, and it affects all aspects of our being: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Each enhance the other. So sex that encompasses all three is the best. Sex that is only physical is shallow. And, perhaps ironically but not surprisingly, sex that feels the most intimate also brings the most physical pleasure. They’re all intertwined.

And you can see why if you look at how God designed men and women differently. Men make love to feel loved; women need to feel loved to make love. It sounds like a recipe for disaster, but the result is that for a woman to get her deepest need–for connection and relationship–met, she has to reach out and meet his needs for sex. And similarly, for him to get his need for sex met, he has to reach out and meet her need for connection. So for a marriage to work, we have to see outside of ourselves and be selfless. We have to think of the other person first. We have to become, in essense, holier.

When sex works as it’s supposed to, we both start to look more and more like Christ.

None of this is to say that women don’t enjoy the physical side of sex, or that men don’t enjoy connection. It’s only that our approach and our emphasis are different. In essence, men have just as much of a need for connection as women, and women have just as much capacity for sexual pleasure as men. But we approach things differently and we want things differently.

What happens if a person decides that they want to short circuit all of this and focus on their own sexual needs? That puts a chain reaction in place that looks like this:

1. He/she decides to masturbate.

2. He/she starts to see sex solely in physical terms, and not in terms of intimacy and connection. Thus, sex loses its deeper meaning, and, ironically, the ability to experience the height of sexual pleasure is also compromised, because for both men and women, physical pleasure is greater when spiritual/emotional intimacy is also part of sex.

3. He/she starts to focus on his/her own needs instead of the spouse’s needs. The spouse becomes incidental.

4. The urge for sexual release is taken care of, which means that he/she no longer has to reach out and meet the spouse’s needs. The impetus to become selfless is gone.

5. The couple starts to live parallel lives, but separate lives.

It’s a very dangerous road to go down.

Is masturbation always wrong? Not necessarily, as I’ve written about before. If both know what each other is doing, if you do it together, if secrecy isn’t part of it, it can be a part of play (as long as it does not replace sex). But if a spouse is masturbating in order to lead a secret life; if a spouse is masturbating to get sexual release instead of doing the necessary work of growing the relationship; if a spouse is masturbating because sex has become all about my needs instead of meeting my spouse’s needs, then masturbation will always weaken the marriage, not grow it.

What should be our response?

Talk to your spouse about it. Ask if you have done anything to contribute to it. But then make a line in the sand and say, “it stops here”. We are going to work on this together. I will be sexually available, but you must also be sexually available to me. I want to work on how to make each other feel great. I want to work on our connection. I want to work on making sex into something explosive, not just a transaction or a release.

And if your spouse refuses to listen, then I’d talk to a mentor couple about it. In essence he’s cheating on you, because he’s meeting his sexual needs with someone else (himself). He’s becoming sexually single, rather than married. And that’s just not right.

What do you think? Have you ever struggled with this? Leave a comment (anonymously if you need to) and let me know! (note: if you’re going to leave an anonymous comment, don’t use an email address that’s linked up to an avatar, or your picture will show anyway!)

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When Health Problems Make Intercourse Impossible

 

One of the features of my Girl Talk event–an evening of straight talk about sex and intimacy–is a Q&A session. People can write down questions anonymously, and after a short break I answer as many as I can in 15 minutes. It’s always a lot of fun!

And one of the questions that gets asked quite a bit is:

“What happens when health problems interfere and we’re no longer physically able to make love? Is our marriage doomed? Is intimacy doomed?”

I’ve had women email me whose husbands have been in automobile accidents and are now paralyzed. Others have had prostate surgery and are now impotent. Others suffer from diabetes which causes extreme erectile dysfunction.

When women are the ones with the health issues sex is still usually possible. I’ve written before to women who suffer from chronic pain, for instance, here.

But when it’s men who are affected, intercourse itself is often impossible because he can’t maintain an erection.

One woman said to me, “we had such a great sex life for two decades in our marriage, and then this hit. I really didn’t think I’d be saying good-bye to sex at age 43.”

That’s so, so difficult. The women–and their husbands–have such a grieving process to go through. On the one hand you’re glad that he survived. On the other, it’s as if a huge part of your life has been ripped from you. Obviously, before you give up on intercourse you should talk to a doctor. For many conditions there are treatments, and very effective ones at that. Talk frankly with your physician, and get a referral if you need to, to see if function can return.

But what if it can’t? How can we find hope in this? How can a marriage stay intimate?

God designed us first for INTIMACY, not for sex.

It is through sex that we best experience intimacy, but our primary need is not for sex. It is to be intimate with another.

When sex is possible, then sex should be a huge component of your marriage.

When intercourse is no longer possible, you can still be intimate, and you can still even be sexual. Let’s not make the mistake of believing that intimacy=intercourse and intercourse=intimacy, and forget that there are things that can encompass intimacy outside of intercourse, and that there are things that can encompass sex outside of intercourse.

If your husband’s health has been compromised like this, I’m sure he’s  completely raw and grieving as well. He feels like he’s been robbed, and he feels like he’s robbed you of something. He’s probably very insecure.

This is where just working on your intimacy as much as possible can really help.

Try broaching the subject with him of talking about INTIMACY, not sex.

Tell him, “we’ve lost one part of our marriage, but we don’t need to lose intimacy, and I don’t want us to lose it. In fact, I want us to discover how to be even more intimate now, since we’ve gone through such a crushing thing together. I think we can come out stronger. But let’s not push each other away to grieve apart. And let’s not believe that our intimacy is over, because it’s not.”

And then talk about what you can do. You can have baths together and just hold each other. You can have showers together. You can lie and pray naked together. You can learn to give amazing massages–both of you. He can be sexual with you, even if he can’t maintain an erection. He can still bring you to orgasm in other ways, and you in turn can give him an amazing massage. You can cuddle. All of these things.

Will they remind you of what you once had? You betcha. Will that make you sad? Absolutely.

But the thing is, you’re going to be sad regardless. Wouldn’t you rather at least share that sadness, and hold each other in that sadness, and find a way to comfort each other and experience it together?

Say something like, “so much has been taken from us. Let’s not let the cancer/accident/diabetes (whatever) take even more. Let’s keep fighting back and work hard to keep what we can have–and to even feel more intimate. Before we had intercourse to bring us together. Let’s find other ways to feel like we’re really one. Let’s fight back.”

It’s not wrong to grieve. It’s not wrong to feel sad. It’s not wrong to feel angry. Just don’t, in that sadness, push each other away. Instead, find ways to include each other in your grief, and you’ll find that you really do start to feel more intimate.

Don’t stop being physical. Push forward. Work on your friendship, but keep pushing forward. And believe that God can bring something very beautiful out of your relationship–even if it’s not what you ever pictured.

Related posts:

29 Days to Great Sex Day 28: Is Selfishness Undermining Intimacy?
29 Days to Great Sex Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Sex Shouldn’t Need Batteries

Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Won’t Help at all Around the House

A reader wrote in recently quoting on of my posts:

“We tend to clean the house when we see what needs doing. Men don’t work the same way. So if you ask him for a specific task, he’s more likely to do it.”

She then added, What about when you give him something specific (like “take out the trash” or “unload the dishes”) and it doesn’t get done until it gets out of hand (and then you end up doing it because you can’t stand stepping over the trash anymore, or having the dishes pile up in the sink)?

I think this is a connundrum many women have, and I’d love if we could discuss how to help! Now one warning: Often when I throw out questions like this, someone will say, “you need to recognize how much he DOES do, how hard he works outside the home, or how much yard work he does, etc. etc.” I completely agree. Many men do a ton of work that isn’t housework, and do contribute a ton of hours to the household.

But let’s assume for a minute that she does, too. And what she is saying is, “I don’t want the house to be 100% my responsibility. I think a person can clean up after themselves, or can contribute a little bit when we all live in the same house.”

Then what?  Any thoughts?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Clean Standards
Reader Question of the Week: Help, My Husband Can Be Gross!
Reader Question of the Week: Long Distance Marriages

On Hollywood, Love and Marriage

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week, I’ve been talking a ton about marriage and movies on the blog, so I thought I’d summarize in my column. (And if you missed my post on the 50 best romantic chick flicks, you really need to see it!):

I love a good chick flick. Sure, I’ll watch Band of Brothers or Die Hard with my husband, but when he cuddles up and sits through Pride and Prejudice, I melt.

Unfortunately finding a decent movie is often an exercise in futility. Most new releases gross me out. There’s too much horror or blood, and throw in a zombie or two and it’s supposed to be a blockbuster.

Nevertheless, dig deep and you’ll find some gems. And increasingly lately I’ve been discovering that gems in the chick flick genre have less to do with falling in love and more to do with keeping a marriage strong. Hollywood does marriage better than it does dating.

Take the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love, which I thought I’d detest for the first 45 minutes, because it revolves around a younger, cooler guy (Ryan Gosling) teaching an older, just dumped guy (Steve Carell) how to attract multiple women. It seemed so shallow. But the ending is supremely satisfying (and comes with a twist we never saw coming). Both Gosling’s character and Carell’s ex-wife realize that commitment and stability are actually far sexier than living an empty life, a lesson that Carell knew all along.

Or take Hope Springs and Date Night, two movies portraying married couples who have fallen into a rut. The reality of the way the couples relate to each other is just too perfect, and the central message–that commitment matters, and that having someone to walk through life with matters–is beautiful. In fact, most movies that focus on marriage, from It’s Complicated to Couples Retreat to Shall We Dance say the same thing: those flighty feelings of infatuation eventually fade, and life settles into a routine. Will you then commit and keep working at your marriage, or will you drift and lose one of the greatest potential sources of happiness in your life?

Yet if Hollywood believes that the best marriages are those between two people who are committed to work at it–a very intentional approach–why do they portray love as something over which we have no control? A couple is thrown together and they “fall in love”. They complete each other. And these feelings alone should make them want to marry.

Most of my professional life revolves around marriage, as I blog and write books and speak. In the mountains of emails from desperate women I receive every week, one of the most common themes I see is this: My now-husband cheated on me while we were engaged, but we got married anyway. Recently I caught him having an affair. Or: My husband lived with his parents until we moved in together, and now we’re married. I hold down two jobs, and he barely works part-time. But he refuses to do any housework.

Reading these I find myself so frustrated, because the warning signs were there. Why would you marry a total couch potato? Why marry a lying cheater? Because you love him, of course! And love will magically transform him. We can’t ignore those feelings, right?

Except that scientists say those feelings last, at most, eighteen months. And then you hit that rut, and you’re in trouble. In dating romances, Hollywood gives us this idea that it’s feelings that sustain a marriage, not the character of the two people involved. Yet if all your friends and family think he’s a lout or are sure she’s flighty, you should likely listen to that–no matter what you’re feeling.

Maybe we need to start applying the same principles to dating as we do to marriage. It’s character that counts, not just feelings. That’s a lesson Jane Austen tried to teach us long ago, and perhaps we could all do with a little more Austen and a little less Zombie.

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Related posts:

Romance in the Movies: What Does it Teach Us?
Wifey Wednesday: 7 Ways Hollywood Messes Up Our Sex Lives
Christian Internet Dating–It Works!

Winners Roundup and Daily Inspiration!

How to Break Out of a Marriage Rut

Sometimes we get in ruts in marriage.

We’re misunderstanding each other. We say one thing without meaning anything bad by it, but our spouse gets defensive. We’re so sure the other person is angry at us that almost every interaction has tension.

All marriages go through it from time to time. And one thing that I have found helps to change my own attitude, and to change the dynamic, is to ask these two questions every morning:

1. What can I do for you today?

2. How can I pray for you?

You don’t need to elaborate, or say anything more. But then whatever your spouse says, follow through with it.

I got that tip from my blogging friend Joanne Kraft, who graciously took me and my husband out on the town when we were down in Nashville recently. She said, “marriage is just the little things, everyday.” And she started this a while ago. Now she finds quite often her husband doesn’t even have anything he needs her to do. But just knowing that she WANTS to help him goes a long way.

So try it!

Need more help in changing the dynamic in your marriage? Here are a few older posts:

How to Change the Marriage Dynamic



Pursue Peace, not just Lack of Conflict



Pick a Habit to Change Your Marriage

Why He Won’t Meet Your Needs

Announcing Winners of our Giveaway!

Last week I posted our April giveaway–and so many of you entered! Thank you so much.

Our winners have now been chosen and notified, but I wanted to remind you of some of the great products, and ask you to support our sponsors.

First, there was Scarf Appeal, a business operated by two SAHMs who make incredible necklace and earrings sets, as well as homemade knitted scarves. Their jewelry sets come out to about $20 with shipping, so they’re so affordable. Browse their currently available products here, and like their Facebook Page so you can see when new products get added.

Then we had ThirtyOne, a business that makes lovely tote bags–and lots of other fun accessories. We gave away a thermal tote, but they also have lots of organizing totes with pockets galore. Sales representative Andea would love to help you find one that works for you!

Finally, we had Scentsy, which makes luscious products for the home, including plugins to enhance the scent of your home, candles, and more. If you want to make your house a home, Scentsy wants to help! Browse their catalog here. Amy Johnson would love to help you!

I’m excited about the giveaways we’ve got planned in May for Mother’s Day, so come on back next month. And remember, if you have a small business and you’d like to be involved in the giveaways, you can learn more information here.

 

A Few Thoughts on Pain

This has been a rough week in my own church family. Two men have gone to be with the Lord under quite different circumstances, though both were tragic. One died while still in his late fifties, surrounded by those who loved him. The other died alone, after losing his battle with depression. There is so much pain right now, and my heart goes out to both families.

The latter man had struggled with inner darkness for years, which had already torn his family apart. His teenage kids are quite close to my teenage kids, and we knew the situation well. His funeral was packed, and there was not a dry eye in the house. And as I looked around at all those people who really did care, and who had tried to reach out, it made me so sad. Did we not do enough? Maybe not. But I know many who tried, and tried, and tried. I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes, when we feel in the middle of darkness, we also feel alone. And yet, in many cases, that is a lie. You do not have to carry things alone. There are people willing–eager–to help you. I know in the middle of the blackness that’s hard to believe, but it is true. No matter how bad things are, people really do want to reach out. They just don’t always know how.

So many people at that funeral, and yet he felt alone.

If you feel alone, please take the initiative to reach out. I’m sure that you will find at least one hand that will reach back.

 

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Wifey Wednesday: Is Your Husband Lousy at Romance?

Today’s Wednesday, the day that we talk marriage! We have a linkup party at the bottom of the post, where you all can link up your own marriage posts. And today, to kick off the party, J from Hot, Holy and Humorous is guest posting. She’s one of my cyber buddies, and I love her to pieces! Thanks for letting me run this piece, J.

It focuses on romance–or rather, if your husband isn’t romantic. I thought that after a few days of talking about romance in movies, it was important to get this reality check! Here’s J:

Thus far, I’ve only identified myself as “J” – anonymous Christian sex blogger living somewhere in the United States with a husband and family. But I have decided that it is time to reveal something personal about myself – something about my family. I want to tell you about my husband.

Well, not so much tell you about my husband as tell you who he is. So brace yourself, hold your breath, because here he is – the man to whom I am married:

“Live long and prosper.”

My husband actually has a different name, but the personality is pretty much the same. I am married to Spock. It’s all about what is LOGICAL.

Bringing your wife flowers for no reason is not logical. Buying expensive jewelry because it’s pretty is not logical. Telling her that she’s beautiful today when you already said it last week is not logical.

I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one married to someone who just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to beauty, spontaneity, and going the extra mile for a big gesture of love. So how do you get a guy like this to engage in romance in your marriage?

Here’s what I’ve learned from my marriage to a Vulcan:

Take the lead.

It does not occur to my husband to create a romantic environment for date night or lovemaking. Since I am the one who craves romance more — although he enjoys it — I merely take it upon myself to set the scene. I light the candles, I turn on the music, I pour the bubble bath, or whatever. Putting forth a little effort can create an atmosphere where the only instruction left is “Simply Add Hubby.”

Ask for romance.

I need to hear that I am beautiful, that my husband desires me, that he loves me. Sometimes he forgets that. I used to be hurt by the omission. But after several years of marriage, I realized that my husband doesn’t gush about his mother either, and she is downright heroic to him.

Rather than feeling injured by his inattention, I invite his attention. For instance, I can put on my sexy nightie or nudie and ask, “So what do you think?” Or say, “You know what I like about your body?” and go through a list, followed by “What do you like about mine?” I have now opened the floor for him to express what I need to hear.

Establish routines.

I had a friend whose husband’s lack of affection was hurting her feelings. She finally told him, “I need you to kiss me before you leave for work and kiss me when you get home.” It became their routine. Was it forced at first? Yeah, a little. But now it’s something they both enjoy — a romantic tradition.

Routines can be great for both of you. Demanding lots of spontaneous romance from a non-romantic guy is like mounting a Mount Everest expedition with a few Kit-Kat bars in your pack; don’t get your hopes up. Asking your honey to introduce a romantic routine into your relationship, though, is predictable and tangible — something he can put on a to-do list and check off. Perhaps the routine is a kiss or a hug at a certain time. Perhaps he takes on planning a date or a vacation for the two of you on a special day each year (giving him plenty of time to prepare). Perhaps the routine is that he undresses you in particular way, noting as he goes all the beautiful parts of your body. Just make the romantic tradition something achievable for him and enjoyable to you.

Remember your hubby loves you.

When your best friend tells you how her romantic hubby swept her off her feet with a surprise trip to a mountain cabin where he cooked her favorite meal, serenaded her with his guitar, and sprinkled the bed with rose petals before making love to her, you may wonder why your husband doesn’t love you like that.

While I encourage husbands to up their game when it comes to the romance department, some guys are amazing at it and some guys aren’t. Whether he has natural wooing talent is not related to how much he loves you.

Plenty of non-romantic guys would respond to “Do you love your wife?” with an unequivocal “Of course.” In fact, it isn’t logical to Mr. Spock to restate the obvious over and over. So ask your husband to tell you and to show you, and when he follows through, remember that he is outside his comfort zone in expressing the love for you that is well within his comfort zone. He loves you like crazy; he just needs cues to know how to demonstrate that love.

Enjoy the surprises.

Because my guy isn’t a hard-core romantic, I revel in those times when he goes above and beyond. For a recent birthday, my husband wrote me a love poem. A love poem! If you knew this guy — which you do if you ever watched the original Star Trek — you’d know how big a deal that is. I was on Cloud 9½ for the next month.

We wives should all enjoy the romance our husbands bring to marriage, but when it’s not your guy’s thing, those moments are super-sweet. Instead of thinking, “I wish he would do this more often,” just enjoy the moment. Bask in it. Know how hard it was for him to make that effort, and how much that means he loves you.

For the hubbies reading this post, make the effort. Go the extra mile. Woo your wife. If you don’t know what to do, ask your sister or her sister; ask a group of female co-workers what they like from their hubbies; seek ideas online.

Meanwhile, wives, do what you can to introduce the romance you want into your marriage. Your husband likely won’t be as romantic as the hunk in the latest chick flick romance. He doesn’t have a screenwriting team to come up with all of that for him. He’s on his own. So help him out.

I can honestly say from my life with Spock that melding minds is far outweighed by melding hearts when we make the extra effort. (Plus, aren’t those pointy ears kind of cute?)

Thanks, J! You can find J at Hot, Holy and Humorous.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up a marriage post in the linky below! And be sure to link back here so people can read all the awesome ideas from other bloggers. You can use the code in the sidebar to get the graphic, too.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: What Do You Do for Christmas with your Husband?
Wifey Wednesday: What Your Husband Wishes You Knew
Wifey Wednesday: 4 Things You Must do if Your Husband Uses Porn

Romance in the Movies: What Does it Teach Us?

Images sourced from VUE Cinemas

I asked on my Facebook page recently, “what, in your opinion, is the most romantic movie?” I needed to do a survey for an upcoming speaking engagement, so I was taking votes. The response was overwhelming!



We women love our chick flicks! My daughters and I have the whole five hour version of Pride and Prejudice memorized (comes in handy for long car trips.)

Whenever I comment on movies on this blog, though, inevitably some commenters say “you shouldn’t watch movies”. I understand. There certainly are some movies I won’t watch. But movies are a way of telling a story, and a story can resonate in a way that mere words can’t. That means that movies certainly can be dangerous, since they can get under the skin and wiggle where we don’t want certain ideas. But they can also uplift, and inspire, and touch us in a way little else can.

Take the best answer to the question “what, in your opinion, is the most romantic movie”? One woman said, “the first 8 minutes of the movie Up.” I completely agree! I have never seen such a beautiful portrayal of love and marriage as Pixar did in that 8 minutes. I think everybody should have to watch that when they’re considering getting married. Marriage is for the long haul; it’s not about marrying the person you love when you’re young; it’s about marrying the person you want to grow old with. How special! And a movie in 8 minutes could do that; words alone could not. Movies can be wonderful vehicles of portraying real relationship truths.

Now movies and romance novels have a definite downside: they can make us wish so much for a hero like THAT GUY that our husbands never measure up. But at the same time, movies can also inspire.

Vue Cinemas has a great roundup of what relationship lessons different “chick flick” movies teach us. It got me thinking: what relationship lessons have I seen in movies lately? I’d like to follow Vue Cinema’s example here and list some of the better ones that have to do with marriage:

Date Night.

Rip roariously funny, but the reason I loved it so much was how it focused on what marriage is like in real life. The scene where she had just put her mouth guard in and so he realizes they’re not going to have sex had my husband laughing so hard I thought he’d pass out. That’s what marriage is like! And then the conversations they have about her being a control freak, and her never letting him do anything around the house were so perfect. They showed how often we women feel put upon, but sometimes we’re doing it to ourselves.

The make up scene at the end, when they have pancakes together, was just lovely. There is a scene in a strip joint (though it’s far funnier than sexy), but I have rarely seen a movie which so accurately depicts marriage, and shows how a couple who has disconnected can learn to connect again.

Lesson: Don’t settle for boring in your marriage. Keep it fun not out of habit but because you truly do love each other. So make time, talk, and don’t give up.

Crazy, Stupid Love.

I guess I just like Steve Carrell, but I was so impressed with this movie. I thought I’d hate it for the first 45 minutes, because it’s all about a younger, cooler guy (Ryan Gosling) teaching an older, just dumped guy (Steve Carrell) how to attract women for anonymous encounters. It seemed so shallow. But the ending is really satisfying (and comes with a twist my husband and I never saw coming). Both Gosling’s character and Carrell’s ex-wife realize that commitment and stability are actually far sexier than living an empty life, a lesson that Carrell knew all along.

The movie is far from perfect. There’s too much sex outside of marriage, and the teenage thread was kinda gross. But honestly, it’s great to see a movie that depicts getting divorced as a destructive, selfish thing, and getting and staying married as a higher calling. I’m not saying everyone should see it, but I am grateful it was made. It’s an important voice in this culture.

Lesson: If you want to live a happy, fulfilling life, commit to one person forever, and don’t give up. Having multiple partners is far emptier than having one who loves you–that you love in return.

Hope Springs.

I’ve written about this one before, too, and I just loved it. Again, you can pick apart little bits of this movie–it shows Meryl Streep doing something rather inappropriate–but it’s so marriage affirming. (Oh, wow, I just realized this one had Steve Carrell, too! I guess he’s on a roll. Does he have a great marriage himself or something?). An older couple (Streep and husband Tommy Lee Jones) have grown apart. They sleep in separate bedrooms. They never really communicate. The marriage has grown cold.

And in desperation doormat Streep informs her husband that they are going for counseling or they are splitting up.

Much of the counseling revolves around sex, and not real issues of communcation, etc., but again, it’s a story of a marriage grown cold that is resurrected because the couple decides to push through their problems and not give up.

Lesson: Never stop communicating. Keep talking, and keep making love. Be spontaneous. If you’re in a rut, fight to get out!

It’s Complicated.

Another movie with Streep! In this one, she was dumped several years ago when husband Alec Baldwin divorced her for a younger woman. Now she feels unattractive, but she’s slowly coming into her own again. And when she does that, Baldwin, who finds that life with a younger wife is distinctly unsatisfying, wants the marriage back. But now Streep has realized that life can be bigger than Baldwin. What will she choose?

Again, many will find the movie has some parts you wish they had left out. But the overall message is great.

Lesson: Stick with the wife of your youth, and you’ll be happy. Mess it up, and you’ll regret it.

I’m glad they’re making movies like these. Sure, it would be nice if those movies didn’t have objectionable scenes, but in our culture which is so anti-marriage, I love it when popular movies come out that the general public will see (Fireproof is great, but most people won’t see it) that also praise marriage.

And then, of course, there’s my favourite marriage movie clip of all time, from Shall We Dance:

Do you notice a common thread in those movies that I like, though? The couples are already married (or recently divorced). They’re not movies about finding the one you love and marrying; they’re movies about dealing with the day-to-day of life and marriage.

Hollywood does a better job with marriage movies than with traditional chick flicks.

With traditional chick flicks, as fun as they may be, I fear that the wrong message is given. I’m in the middle of reading Gary Thomas’ book Sacred Search about how to choose a mate (and I’m LOVING it! I’ll be talking about it soon), and one of his big warnings is don’t get married just based on infatuation. Don’t let feelings be your deciding factor in choosing your mate for life. This whole idea that if you find that “one” person you’ll feel complete and you’ll never have any trouble is a big lie (and entirely unbiblical). Marriage is about commitment, not feelings. We need to think it through and choose wisely.

That’s why I love Pride & Prejudice. Elizabeth originally has an infatuation with Wickham, but when she examines his character the infatuation disintegrates. At the same time, she originally dislikes Darcy. But when she examines HIS character, love grows. She doesn’t “fall in love”; she makes a choice.

Author Jane Austen showed this even more vividly in Sense & Sensibility, whose whole theme is that romantic infatuation is immature; mature love requires choice and belief in character. Austen shows a contrast between Marianne and Willoughby and Edward and Lucy on the one hand, and Marianne and Brandon and Elinor and Edward on the other. Character wins; infatuation loses.

Movies where people are drawn to each other, and end up together because they’re “swept away” give us an unrealistic picture of love and marriage. That’s a good conversation starter when you’re watching movies with your teens:  Is that match really a good idea? Can you see them together in ten years? Do you think love is enough? Because in most movies it’s not.

If we started believing the lessons of the “marriage” movies, instead of of the “love” movies, and teaching these lessons to our kids, perhaps we’d end up with stronger marriages in the end.

Related posts:

Movie Translator: Your Guide to Renting Movies
Hope Springs
Profanity vs. Biblical World View in Movies

Reader Question of the Week: Help! Women Around My Husband Dress Inappropriately

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question comes from a reader, who is concerned about how to kindly handle an immodest dresser:

There’s a woman in our Sunday School class who is a really sweet gal, but I don’t know if she understands how she comes across to others. She really dresses quite immodestly, and now that spring is here the skirts are getting much shorter and the blouses much more plunging.

My husband has commented on it, and I’m not worried that he’s lusting or anything. But what is our role here? Do we say something to her? Or do we just let it go? It’s hard sitting in church knowing that this is what everybody else is thinking. She’s also a middle school teacher and she dresses even more revealing at school in front of 12 and 13-year-old boys. Any thoughts?

What do you think?  How should this be handled?

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