Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 242

Having an Opinion Does Not Make a Person Judgmental

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week, I opine on free speech and why it is healthy to have an opinion and talk about it.

I’m one of those weird people who actually likes debates. In marriage that can be a downfall, because I love to win fights, though it only counts if I do so because I score big points, not because my husband gives up and rolls over. I like ideas, and opinions, and discussions.

Lots of people do, and that’s healthy for a society (though not necessarily for a marriage). When we hash things out, and hear the other side of things, we often grow and develop even better ideas. Societies that debate things are stronger than those who silence debate.

Sometimes, though, I think our society needs a lesson on what constitutes an opinion and free speech, and what constitutes judgment. Too often I find that when people yell, “we need tolerance!” what they really mean is, “no one is allowed to disagree with me.”

That’s why I hate the label “judgmental”. It’s thrown around so much, as if it’s the most evil thing in the world. But what does being “judgmental” really imply? To judge someone is to say that they have crossed your moral code. It doesn’t mean that you think the person is evil, or that you hate the person, or that you wish the person would go away. It simply means that you think the person has done something that was wrong.

We all make judgments all the time. We think the waitress in the bar is wearing a skirt that is just too short. We think the soccer coach doesn’t understand child psychology and is too hard on the kids. We think our brother-in-law has gone over the edge with politics, and doesn’t understand that in the real world, money has to come from somewhere.

That does not keep us from smiling at the waitress and exchanging pleasantries. It doesn’t keep us from supporting the coach in front of the kids, or trying to help him with some of his administrative jobs. It doesn’t stop us from throwing our brother-in-law a birthday party. We don’t hate; we aren’t trying to hurt anybody. We just notice things that we think are wrong. It’s human nature.

I have found that anybody who holds traditional values today, though, is automatically labeled judgmental. We see it in politics with Conservatives. We saw it in religion when the new pope was chosen. Even if a public figure has never opined on a certain topic, it’s assumed that they are judgmental if they label themselves “religious” or “conservative”.

I read a bumper sticker recently that said: “You say you want tolerance and despise hate, but if I don’t agree with everything you say you call it intolerance and hate. Explain to me again how that works.”

Exactly. It seems to me that what people mean when they call others “judgmental” is that we are no longer allowed to have any opinions except theirs. In fact, making a judgment is often called “bullying”, even if the person never speaks that judgment out loud or does anything about it at all. The mere thought that someone may disagree with you is now labeled bullying and hate, though it has nothing to do with either.

A healthy society is one where individuals try to operate from a moral code, and deciding on what constitutes that moral code means that there will be disagreements. That’s okay. Aren’t we adult enough to handle disagremeents? As long as we are kind and welcoming to all, what does it matter if some people think differently from you?

Trying to silence critics is the worst kind of insecurity. If you want to be taken seriously, then, engage in serious dialogue, don’t tell people to shut up. That’s what real tolerance is.

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Related posts:

That One Perfect Person
Torn Between Two Lovers
Seeking Peace on Earth

Facebook 911

Today’s guest post is by author Joanne Kraft.

If Facebook were a country it would be the third most populated in the world. At 800 million users to date, it surpasses the number of people in both the United States and Russia combined—twice.

If Facebook were my boyfriend, we would be the quintessential high school couple—since I’ve broken up with Facebook more times than I can count. I’m back for now and wondering daily, why are we still together? Or better yet, why am I looking at Darrin and Kristen’s honeymoon pictures from Niagara Falls? I don’t even know Darrin and Kristen.

With over half the American population with a personal profile on this social network we need to learn how to navigate these tricky waters with our teenager. You’d be surprised how many parents have dialed 911 for their answers.

Facebook Emergency

My phone line lit up and I mentally prepared for the next emergency. Would it be a vehicle accident? Maybe a domestic violence call? Lord, I don’t want another suicidal caller tonight, those are so tough. It only took a few seconds to recognize the male voice on the other end didn’t have a life or death emergency to report—but I couldn’t have told him otherwise.

“911 Emergency.”

“I need your help.”

“What’s your emergency?”

“My wife and I don’t know what to do. We recently discovered our teenage daughter is using Facebook inappropriately. We’ve tried to get in touch with Facebook through their website, but no one is getting back to us.”

“Sir, is she using her page for criminal activity?”

“Well, no…”

“Then the police department has no legal jurisdiction.”

“What do we do?” It was clear he was discouraged. I felt bad for him. God knew who was going to answer the phone when he called, so I decided to be quite frank.

“If she were my daughter I’d have her delete her account. If she won’t do that, I guess I’d have to delete it myself.”

“That’s the problem. She won’t delete it, and she won’t give us her password. We don’t know what to do and apparently we’re finding out there’s nothing we can do.”

Okay moms, this is where I have to stop my story and interject a little Mean Mom truth here. I have a big problem understanding statements like “there’s nothing we can do” from parents. If I hadn’t been on a taped line I would’ve said, “Remember, you are the parent. She is the child.”

Friends, I don’t care if your child is six or sixty—if they depend on your financial blessings for survival they’re a child. There are always consequences to any situation your kid is in. It just depends on how much you’re willing to sacrifice your own time and energy.

Okay, back to my story…

“Sir, did your teenager purchase that laptop herself? Does she pay for the wireless Internet service that keeps her Facebook account going in your home? Does she have her own car or does she drive yours? Does she enjoy the freedom of hanging out with her girlfriends? Does she have a cell phone…”

“I see what you’re saying.” He sighed.

“I understand the frustration of raising a teenager and not knowing what to do but you and your wife hold a lot more cards than you think.”

I wish I could say this was the only time I received a call like this. You’d be amazed at how many I’ve answered over the years.

Think About it with your Teen

Purpose. What’s the purpose of being on a social network? Good reasons like hanging out online with friends, or sharing photos with the grandparents can quickly become watching the lives of people they will probably never meet and who have little or no interest in them. Train them to limit their time. Don’t be afraid to give Facebook a time-out if it’s taking too much time away from real family relationships.

Precaution. Self-reflect before you self-reveal. When they shoot from the hip with pithy comments, they may think they’re being funny, but often times, funny is lost in translation. I tell my teens, “Only share on Facebook what you’re comfortable shouting in a crowded movie theater.”

Pretend. Remind your teen not everything they see is real. Truth isn’t always found online. I remember someone telling me after seeing my photos on my Facebook page, “Your family takes such great pictures!” I chuckled and told her, “That’s because I only put up the good ones.” Facebook is not real life. It’s life happening the way people want you to perceive it.

As a parent, it’s most important to be honest. Since honesty is a character trait we desire in our kids, we need to model it first. What am I getting at? In order to have a Facebook account you must be 13 years old and have a valid email address. According to a Consumer Reports Study, 7.5 million kids under 13 in the United States are on Facebook. Which means one of two things: either the child created a Facebook account without their parent’s knowledge or parents are okay with lying about their child’s age. Parents, your kids are watching. Please lead by example. Do you really expect your child to be honest with you online if you aren’t?

As Christian parents, what words of godly wisdom can we encourage our kids with when it comes to Facebook? In Philippians is where I found my answer.

“Only let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of your affairs, that you stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel.” Philippians 1:27 NKJV

Teenagers need their space. They need to feel trusted. As a mom, I refuse to be the Facebook police and check up on them like a stalking loon, but I must inspire them to walk worthy of their royal bloodline. I love this verse because Paul exhorts his friends to remember who they are in Christ. He doesn’t threaten them with the consequences of an all-consuming God. He strengthens their hearts. That’s what we need to do. Let’s refresh our teenager’s memory. They are children of the Most High God. No matter where their feet tread or their fingers type, they represent Him.

Joanne Kraft is a recovering too-busy mom and the author of Just Too Busy—Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical. A sought-after speaker, Joanne’s articles have been published by Chicken Soup for the Soul, Thriving Family, InTouch, ParentLife, Today’s Christian Woman, Kyria, P31 Woman and more. She’s appeared on CBN News, Focus on the Family, Family Life Today, The Harvest Show and Sacramento & Co.

Joanne worked as a 911 Police Dispatcher where she met the love of her life, Paul, while dispatching him to a call. Lifelong Californians, the Kraft family took a cross-country leap of faith and moved to Tennessee to raise their four children Meghan, David, Grace and Samuel and have happily traded their soy milk and arugula for sweet tea and biscuits.

Sign up for Joanne’s monthly newsletter Encouraging Women at JoanneKraft.com. Connect with Joanne on Facebook and Twitter.

Deal of the Day

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Wifey Wednesday: Do You Need Controls/Filters on Your Computer?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can comment or link up your own marriage post in the linky at the bottom.

Today I want to talk about internet accountability.

When I was a little girl, about 9 years old, I was staying at a sleepover at a friend’s house. The friend belonged to a good family. Yet while there, she showed me the stack of porn magazines of her dad’s that were back there in that shed. I found the pictures fascinating (and hard to get out of my mind).

Yet back then it was hard to see porn unless someone actually went to a store and bought it. So it was relatively easy to avoid. You had to make the decision to get in your car, drive to the store, ask for the magazine, and fork over the money. At any one of those points you could have changed your mind. It wasn’t such a temptation because it wasn’t easily accessible.

Today the most common emails I get from women are from those who have caught their husbands using porn, or soliciting women for online sex (which only happens after they’ve already indulged in lots of porn). These women are devastated, and they don’t know what to do.

One recent study found that 86% of Christian men will seek out porn if they know they won’t get caught. We as women need to recognize what a HUGE temptation this is to men (and to many women as well).

And what about our kids? When they’re starting to get sexual feelings, it’s asking an awful lot of them to refrain from checking things out on the internet.

Do we understand how huge a problem porn is? I don’t think we do, or we would take more steps to stop it. Porn use is not all caused by women withholding sex in marriage; porn is a separate temptation, and can happen even in marriages where she wants sex very much (and, in fact, in many marriages the wife wants sex, but the husband doesn’t because he’s getting sexual release elsewhere). Porn use also often predates marriage, and many men find it difficult to stop.

And now women are increasingly using it, too, thinking that porn is somehow empowering our sex drives.

Yet why is porn harmful?

 

Porn can make it difficult for you to become aroused by your spouse, since your arousal is now focused on media, not relationship.
Porn makes sex into something that is purely physical, not something that is intimate. Then it becomes very difficult to experience sex as intimate.
Porn makes fantasy during sex necessary to “complete the deed”, since you can’t focus on your spouse. Sex becomes selfish.
For young people, porn sets them up to entirely unrealistic expectations and unhealthy arousal patterns.

Porn will not stop just because we want it to.

Studies have found that porn is even more addictive than crack. It triggers chemical reactions in the brain that are intense and hard to resist. Just because someone wants to stop does not mean that they easily can.
In other addictions, the only thing that has consistently worked is accountability. We need others to help us; it’s not a matter of just “praying harder” or “believing more”. It’s a matter of being there for each other.
Porn is too easily accessible, and too easy to access anonymously, to think that teenagers and adults will always be able to resist temptation, even if they have not used porn in the past.

Stop Temptation Before It Starts with Covenant Eyes

You install the program, and then someone you trust receives a report of all the websites you visit. Voila! Temptation gone.

Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability tracks every site you visit, rates each one for its content using six age-based ratings, (such as T for Teen or M for Mature) and delivers a regular report to the friend you choose.

The best part about this? You do not have to be your husband’s accountability partner! If he slips up, he knows he’ll be talking to another guy about it. But you can let it go and trust that this guy will follow up so that you don’t have to.

It’s not healthy to serve as his accountability partner, anyway, so this way someone who doesn’t even live in the same house can still help your husband avoid temptation.

But you can make sure that YOU avoid temptation, too! And you can watch what your kids are watching as well. Don’t assume that just because you have daughters, not sons, that this won’t be a problem. The fastest growing demographic for viewing porn right now are teenage girls. We all need accountability–even females.

Features
Customizable reports

The easy-to-read reports can be customized so your accountability partner isn’t overwhelmed having to scroll through mountains of data. It can report only when you visit sites ranked Highly Mature, for instance.

Covenant Eyes also rates and reports web searches, such those done in Google, Bing, and other search engines, and keeps track of YouTube videos (and other videos) watched, too.

Mobile accountability

Covenant Eyes can also be installed on iPads, iPhones, iPods (great for teens!), and even Android devices. And these apps are free when you subscribe to Internet Accountability on your computer. Learn more about Accountability for mobile devices.

Optional filtering

For $1.50 more, add Internet filtering to your Windows computers for added protection.

Try it today for one month free!

Covenant Eyes Accountability starts at $8.99/month, but Covenant Eyes is offering it to readers of To Love, Honor and Vacuum free for the first 30 days when you sign up using the promocode tlhv.

Learn more about Covenant Eyes’ pricing.

Seriously, this isn’t something we should just let be. I’ve heard people say things like, “you have to trust people. And everyone needs to learn to withstand temptation.” Or “one day your kids will move out and they’ll have to stand on their own two feet, so don’t shelter them too much now.” I do understand that line of thinking. But we wouldn’t lead a teenage boy into a strip club and say, “remember, you’re only here for the chicken wings. Just don’t look at anything.” I think we forget how strong a temptation this can honestly be. And if there’s a tool that will help people avoid temptation–when the ramifications of not doing so are so great–why would you not take it?

Talk to your husband about this. Talk to your kids about this. Maybe it’s time ALL of you got accountable. Not just the men, but we women, too. I think it’s a great tool, and as a wife and the mother of teenagers, I endorse it wholeheartedly.

I get so many heartbreaking emails, and I want the problem to stop. I think this is one tool we have in our arsenal, and I hope that many of you will take me up on it!

Now, what do you have to share with us today about marriage? Link up a marriage post in the linky below, and be sure to share the link back here so other people can read great marriage posts, too. And you can copy my button code from the sidebar!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Learning Not to Dissociate During Sex
Wifey Wednesday: Is Pornography the Same as Cheating?
Wifey Wednesday: Getting Over Your Husband’s Sexual Past

On Rick Warren, Tragedy, and Prodigals

Rick Warren and his wife Kay suffered unbelievable tragedy over the weekend when their youngest son Matthew committed suicide last weekend at the age of 27. He had been battling mental illness and severe depression for years.

I can’t imagine how horrible this would be for a parent. To lose your child in a car accident is a tragedy indeed; to lose a child to suicide is even more so. There’s stigma, and there’s all the questions about what else you could have done (even if there really is nothing you could have done).

A good friend of mine’s brother committed suicide when he was 16, and she was just a teen. They were a strong Christian family who did things well. He had become moody and withdrawn, but nobody knew the depth of what he was feeling, and he left no note. Later on stories came out in the press about things that a high school coach had been doing, and there were always questions as to whether or not this had been a reason. But those questions cannot be answered on this side of heaven, and perhaps it’s those questions that drive us the most crazy.

I pray that Mr. and Mrs. Warren receive a ton of comfort, and prayer, and space. In fact, I’d ask everyone reading this to say a prayer for them right now.

Unfortunately, that isn’t the attitude that’s been in much of the media, and even many of the Christian blogs. When tragedy strikes, people are quick to assign blame. And so there’s so much vitriol on the media, and in news websites, and even on Christian sites of people who disagree with him politically.

I think this is completely wrong and completely unbiblical.

I read an amazing article about this phenomenon last night from the blog Rage Against the Minivan, where she says this:

When we hear about grieving parents it can be so tempting to try to assign blame, because if they aren’t to blame, then we have to grapple with the reality that sometimes, tragedy is senseless. This is an uncomfortable truth: awful things happen to children that parents cannot prevent.  It’s a truth so painful that we would rather throw grieving parents under the bus than face it.

Read the whole thing.

I believe she’s exactly right.

Whenever you hear of a tragedy, we immediately start to list all the reasons why it can’t happen to us–and therefore we implicitly blame the parents that it did happen to.

The Newtown school shooting? Thank goodness we homeschool. A child abduction? That’s why I don’t work outside the home; so I always know where my kids are. A teenager gets pregnant? At least we do family devotions every night.

We need to stop that, because it’s not biblical. We are to “mourn with those who mourn”, says Paul in Romans 12:15.

And we also need to become a little (or a lot) more humble.

I find the story of The Prodigal Son so fascinating on so many levels. One of those is the fact that the father figure in that story represents God. Is God a good father? Did God work so hard so that he never saw his kids? Did he discipline inappropriately? Was he prone to fits of rage? Of course not. God parents perfectly.

And  yet He had a prodigal (and, we know in fact He has many). The story is meant to illustrate many different points, but I think one of them is this:

When we have prodigals in our families, we should not assume that this reflects badly on the parents. Kids make their own choices. We all have free will.

That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t learn how to parent well, or that we shouldn’t try to raise our kids to love the Lord and to do what’s right. But there are never any guarantees. I’m not implying that Rick Warren’s son was a prodigal, by the way; anything I’ve read in the news says that he was a strong Christian; he just suffered from mental illness. I’m just saying that often we look at parents (not the Warrens, but others) who have kids who have turned astray and we tend to do just what people are doing to the Warrens: we blame them.

Why? Because we want those guarantees. We want to know that if we do everything right, everything will turn out okay, because we love our kids so much and we don’t want anything to touch them. We don’t want them to make mistakes and wreck their lives (or, God forbid, end them). We want to know, as we look into the face of a cherubic 4-year-old, that he will grow up to not use drugs, to love God, to get a good job, and to marry well. And please, no horrible illnesses.

But that doesn’t always happen. And perhaps one of the main lessons that God wants us to learn from parenting, is that sometimes we just have to trust and realize that “to live is Christ, and to die is gain”. To live is not to be a parent. Our children cannot be our whole lives, and they cannot come before our love for God. And our relationship with God isn’t like that of a genie, where we do all the right things so that He’ll come through for us.

Our relationship with God needs to be one of trust and submission.

Not trust that everything will turn out the way we want it to; but trust that no matter what happens, God will carry us, and God will be enough for us.

When our son died seventeen years ago, we had people say hurtful things to us, things that they likely didn’t realize were hurtful. Things like, “it was just God’s will”, or “you have to ask what God is trying to teach you through this” (as if implying that if we failed to learn, God might zap our daughter Rebecca next), or “this is a good time to examine yourselves before God”.

No, this is simply a time to cry, and to weep, and to be a mess as you lie down before God and beg Him to help you be able to climb out of bed each morning, and continue to breathe even when your chest aches, and to one day be able to laugh again.

God did that in our lives. That doesn’t mean I didn’t learn anything from Christopher’s death; I did. I learned to trust God more. But that does not mean that God causes tragedy because there is something wrong in our lives. Like Jesus said of the man that was born blind, he and his parents didn’t sin so that he was born blind; it was just so that the works of God could be displayed in his life. (John 9:3).

When tragedy strikes, let’s resist the temptation to list all the reasons that it won’t happen to us. Let’s resist the temptation to blame the parents. And let’s instead pray for those who are grieving, and use that opportunity to throw ourselves once more on God’s mercy, asking Him to teach us that no matter what happens in this life, He will always be enough.

Related posts:

The Stone Cold Fear of Losing Your Kids
My 7 Pet Peeves about Worship Music in Church
How God Used Poison Ivy

April Giveaway Palooza

Every month I  like to host a giveaway of three fun products that I know women will love! And I like to help out small businesses, too. (To find out how you can be involved in future giveaways, read the details here.)

 

“Scarf Appeal” Necklace

I met Lisa and Renee in Willmar, MN last month when I gave my Girl Talk. They’re fantastic organizers and decorators (they decorated the stage to match my book cover!), and they took good care of me when I was feeling rather under the weather right before I had to speak (and they didn’t freak out too much outwardly, either!).

Anyway, Lisa and Renee are both stay at home moms, and they have a business making lovely accessories called “Scarf Appeal”. You can see their items on their Facebook Page.

They gave me a lovely knitted scarf and a lovely necklace, which matches the top that I often wear speaking. So last Friday when Keith and I spoke together at Elevation Church in Waterloo, I put it on!

Best of all, the necklace and earring sets are really inexpensive, at only $20 for a combination set ($14 for just the necklace).

Here’s the knitted scarf:

And here’s a necklace/earrings combo:

Renee and Lisa are giving away a necklace and earrings set! And please go browse their Facebook Page, because their items are so affordable (and gorgeous!).

“ThirtyOne” Thermal Tote

I hadn’t heard of ThirtyOne before consultant Andea Goolsby emailed me, but they have such cute stuff! And an amazing story.

ThirtyOne sells amazing utility totes, thermal totes (so you can go on picnics as a family! I’m a big one for outdoor family activities. Anything that takes you away from a screen!), bags, and more.

Their bags are available in a variety of patterns, and they have lovely, useful wallets, too. The name of the game is useful but still attractive. No more purses without enough pockets, or bags that are too small for your wallet. They’re aiming to help women on the go get where they’re going!

These thermal bags are my favorite. They even can be personalized, with your name on it, so that when you’re at a soccer tournament in the summer people will know which bag to raid for the good stuff.

Consultant Andea writes:

I am married to Allen and we have three children and a dog named Daisy. We love people, reading, hiking and adventures on and off the road. And we love God and learning more about leaning on Him. I’m so impressed by My ThirtyOne, since it’s a  Christian-based business and stands on the premise of the Proverbs 31 woman. Thank you, Sheila, for this opportunity to be a part of your blog family! I am anxious to get to know your followers and to be able to offer this Thirty-one giveaway!

Andea is giving away a cute thermal tote that I know you will find useful!

And here’s a little bit of the background of ThirtyOne:

Cindy Monroe launched Thirty-One in the basement of her family home in Tennessee ten years ago. Today, she has 1,500 employees and an Independent Consultant sales force nearly 40,000 strong. Thirty-One is now headquartered in Johnstown, Ohio, with a second location in the Easton area of Columbus. A third location in Springfield, Ohio. Cindy and her husband Scott borrowed $10,000 from family and friends to start Thirty-One ten years ago. The goal was to provide affordable and fashionable products previously available only at exclusive boutiques that closed at 5 p.m. – too early for working women to shop there. Cindy did not stand on the sidelines to let others create her dream; she dove right in and got to work. Cindy held the first party, recruited the very first Consultant (who is still with the company today) and helped develop the first product lines. Thirty-One exists because Cindy wanted to provide an opportunity for women to find financial freedom through owning their own business in direct selling. Thirty-One?s Independent Consultants hold home parties to share the company’s products and opportunity in person and build relationships with Hostesses and customers. Thirty-One offers exclusive, on-trend accessories and organizing solutions – many of which can be personalized. It is the company’s commitment to give women the opportunity to become successful business owners. The company’s name comes from Proverbs 31, which celebrates hard-working women who are compassionate, gracious and inspiring to their families and the people around them.

You can browse ThirtyOne’s items here, or talk to Andea about her business here.

Scentsy PlugIn

Do you love creating a house that feels like home? Do you love it when people feel comfortable and relaxed in your home, like it’s a lovely place to sit and talk and unwind?

So much of that has to do with atmosphere, and that’s what Scentsy is dedicated to. You want great friendships and rich family life, and scent is hardwired into our brain to be connected with emotion. Scent can help us relax, can help us feel uplifted, can help us feel invigorated.

That’s why Scentsy offers a wide array of luxurious but affordable products to create just the right atmosphere.

They’re famous for their “warmers”, which you can choose from a wide array of designs and scents.

But they also have a wide array of personal care products, including my favorite (Body Butter; I get such dry skin!), and even a line of luscious antibacterial soaps.

Consultant Amy Johnson has offered a Plugin Warmer as a prize. Remember to check out her store, too, to see the other wonderful products that can make your house feel like a home.

To enter our giveaway, just use the Rafflecopter below. I’ll be choosing a winner next Sunday at midnight, and announcing next week. The prizes are only available to residents of North America, but if someone from Australia or Europe or Africa wins, I’d be happy to send them a variety of my downloadable products as prizes, and then we’ll choose another North American winner for the giveaway items. We’re not discriminating, it’s just that shipping costs so much and my kind giveaway donors only have a limited budget.

Thanks so much, and good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Related posts:

Review & Giveaway: Accessories Palooza!
Giveaways, Community, and More Fun!
Where Do You Go When You Need Help? With a Shannon Ethridge Giveaway!

Our 6-Week Class Begins Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is the big day! My first webinar class will launch. We’ll be meeting every Monday for 6 weeks, going through The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Don’t have a copy yet? Don’t worry! You’ll get one sent to you the first week of class.

And if you have to miss a class, you can always watch the recording later.

It’s a chance to go deeper, hear my voice, and ask me anything you want. And you’ll be able to discuss things with other class members (even anonymously if need be).

I’d love to have you join us!

So sign up now!

A few other tidbits:

I had a great time giving my Girl Talk event in Wallaceburg, ON on Thursday night. Remember, if you want to bring Girl Talk to your church (a fun evening where I talk about marriage, intimacy, and sex using humor and lots of practical info), you can get more information here.

Then Friday night Keith and I spoke in Waterloo, ON on sex to a young adults’ church. Great evening, and so exciting to see so many younger couples out.

Tomorrow is your chance to enter our April giveaway (I thought I’d have time to post the giveaway today, but I’m rushing around a lot! It’ll be up tomorrow). So come on back.

Have a fun and relaxing Sunday, and remember to do something with your spouse that involves laughter.

Related posts:

Round-Up of Neat Stuff Around the Web This Week!

Question of the Week: Tell Me About Your Pre-Marital Counseling

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week, though, all my questions were really complex and not easily summarized. I never post someone’s whole story because I just want to talk about general issues, and that’s just too private. So I always try to make it into one big overarching theme. Couldn’t do that this week.

But one thing really struck me from the comments, so I thought I’d turn this “reader question” around and make it MY question to YOU, my readers.

One commenter wrote this week about the problems she and her new husband are experiencing in the bedroom. I asked if they had covered sex during their premarital counseling, and suggested that she go back to her pastor and ask for some counseling.

She said they didn’t talk about sex during premarital counseling.

ACK! How can a pastor do premarital counseling and not talk about sex?

So here’s my question:

If you did premarital counseling, did you talk about sex? Was it handled well? In retrospect, what do you wish you had learned more of during that counseling (that part can be about anything!)

I guess that’s more than one question, but I’d love to know about your experience. Let me know in the comments!

Thanks all, and have a great weekend. Tomorrow our great April giveaway launches, so stop by to enter.

Deal of the Day

I’m a big knitter. I knit everything–socks, sweaters, blankets (I’ve even published a pattern!). I learned from my grandmother when I was a child.

If you don’t have a grandmother who can teach you to knit, or quilt, or paint, or bake cakes, or any other craft, you can learn right from your computer watching HD instructional videos from the best teachers. And Craftsy.com is offering 75% off select classes everyday this weekend. Each day has new flash sales! Today there are several dozen available, from all kinds of different quilting classes to knitting, cake decorating, jewelry making, crocheting, and more. It’s a great way to spend your weekend!

And speaking of classes, don’t forget that my 6-week class on The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex launches on Monday! I’d love for you to join me.

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: How Has God Made a Difference in Your Marriage?
Reader Question of the Week: Modesty Standards within Families
Reader Question of the Week: Help, My Husband Can Be Gross!

How Technology Threatens Marriages

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Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s offers a snapshot through the years of technology and how it could move the boundaries of safety in guarding your marriage.

It’s 1975 and Mr. Company Manager needs to talk to Ms. Sales Manager about an account. It’s after hours, so he picks up the phone and calls her at home. Her husband answers. The two chat for a bit about the latest Maple Leafs’ loss, and then husband passes the phone to wife.

It’s 1991 and Miss Recent Law Grad needs to talk to Mr. Lawyer Partner about a case on the weekend. She dials his home phone and Mr. Lawyer’s 4-year-old son answers. Recent Law Grad convinces him to pass the phone to his mommy, who explains that Mr. Lawyer Partner is out taking the 8-year-old to gymnastics. Miss Recent Law Grad used to take gymnastics, too. They chat for a bit about the lessons, and she leaves a message with Mrs. Lawyer Partner explaining why she’s bugging Mr. Lawyer Partner at home.

It’s 1982 and Johnny Doe is driving through his hometown when he passes the old “make out bridge”. He has fleeting thoughts of Mary Jane, with whom he often frequented that spot. But he doesn’t look her up, because he has no idea where she is. She’s probably married anyhow.

Now it’s 2013, so let’s redo all of those scenarios. Mr. Company Manager texts Ms. Sales Manager about the account. They banter back and forth, in texts that grow increasingly personal. He never actually talks to Ms. Sales Manager’s husband, and thus often forgets the man exists.

Miss Recent Law Grad texts Mr. Lawyer Partner while he’s watching gymnastics. She’s never talked to the wife. She knows vaguely that he has a few kids, but they’re not real to her. But everyday she and the partner text back and forth at least a dozen times. They’re becoming good friends.

And Johnny Doe? He found Mary Jane on Facebook a couple of months back. They’ve been privately messaging for a while now. She’s been married for 23 years, but she feels dissatisfied. “Talking” to Johnny reminds her of those exhilarating times when she was young and felt desirable and the future was all open to her. Her husband has no idea that she’s found Johnny again.

Technology has completely changed the way we interact, and I don’t think it’s always for the better. Sure I appreciate being able to text my daughter when she’s late, rather than plotting revenge for making me worry. I appreciate being able to text my husband to ask him to pick something up without having to fret that I’m interrupting him by calling. Texting is a wonderful tool.

But it can also obscure true relationships. That family phone at one point acted as a gatekeeper. You couldn’t just call a married individual of the opposite sex without also talking to that person’s spouse or kids. You were constantly reminded that the person was part of a larger unit. You had no real way to pursue a more personal relationship unless you did so deliberately. Today often innocent texts can turn into something more.

Or take Facebook. According to the Loyola University Health System, it’s implicated in 20% of U.S. divorces. You can flirt with someone while sitting next to your spouse! He’s watching football; she’s messaging Johnny.

We can’t turn back the clock on technology, but I do think every married couple needs to establish boundaries that clearly tell the outside world “we are a unit”. Several of my couple friends have a combined Facebook account. Others have a “no texting during family time” rule, or a “both spouses always know the password to the phone” rule. Marriage is tough enough without other people driving a wedge. So talk to each other. Set boundaries. Get to know your spouse’s co-workers. And above all, never stop working on your marriage.

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Deal of The Day

I love this framed picture, with the “Courageous” Resolution on it, on special for $19.99, regular $79.99.

Tell everyone you’re a family unit!

Related posts:

Why Moms Don’t Always Want to Know Best
Reader Question of the Week: Why Isn’t My Husband More Affectionate?
Are Women Ditching Marriages Too Fast?

Marriage is Like Synchronized Swimming, and More!

Today I’m just going to post little snippets of a variety of things. First, want to work on having an amazing marriage? Here are some thoughts for you:

To go along with yesterday’s post on why it’s sometimes hard to say yes to sex, J at Hot Holy and Humorous reminds us that just because he’s stopped asking for sex doesn’t mean he’s stopped wanting (or she’s stopped asking, she’s stopped wanting). Awesome post!

Made for Each Other. As we’re married, we grow together in really neat ways!

How a Marriage Changes. It really can happen, but it takes dedication and commitment to work on your own stuff first!

7 Thoughts that Can Change a Marriage. It’s humbling to apply these, but it can change the dynamic of everything.

Resolving Conflict: Get to the Real Issue. Do you know how to identify the issue when you’re having conflict? Often it’s not what we think!

When Conflicts Don’t End. Have you ever felt like you had the same fight over and over again? And you never really saw any break through? Here are some thoughts for you.

And if you want something REALLY special, don’t forget about my 6-week course on The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, starting next Monday. It’s going to be great! Hear in-depth teaching, but have a chance to interact, ask questions, and be challenged, too. Find out more here. We’re about 2/3 full, and the rush always comes near the end, so sign up soon!

Life Coaching Can Help Your Marriage

Sometimes we all need a new set of eyes, a fresh pespective, or someone to pray us through a problem. A good counselor or life coach can be so valuable. I know it means an investment of money, but ultimately the money that you spend now will come back later when your marriage is so much more rock solid!

So last week we gave away an hour of life coaching with best-selling author Shannon Ethridge.

That hour has been awarded, and the winner contacted, but if you didn’t win, Shannon would still love to help you! You can find her here.

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Blue and Me Forever Dress from ModCloth

ModCloth has 25% Off Flash Sale

If you participated in Fight the Frump week, you probably saw some awesome clothes that would flatter your figure.

ModCloth You and Me Forever Dress Sale – 25% Off

Right now ModCloth has a 25% off flash sale for their You and Me Forever Dress, which would flatter any body type! Just use code YMFD25 at checkout.

 

Socialize More–And Add Some More Fun to Your Life!

One of the fun parts of my day is first thing in the morning when I go on Pinterest to see what older posts, that I may have forgotten about, have been pinned overnight. I always mention one on Facebook, so if you’re not a fan of my page yet, go on over and hit like!

Anyway, I’ve noticed a common theme in a bunch of older posts, and it’s made me think that maybe God is trying to tell me something. See if you can see the theme:

Entertaining vs. Hospitality: Having People Over

Turning Dinner Into a Family Event

Family Games Nights Rock!

Is There Laughter in Your Home?

I think I need to have more fun! And that probably means socializing a little bit more, and spending more time getting to know people. I find often we complain that a church isn’t friendly, or that it’s hard to get to know people, but of course it’s hard to get to know them if we only see them Sunday mornings! We need to start opening up our homes and just socializing and having FUN some more. My husband and I used to try to have a family in for dinner once a week, but it’s gotten hard with the kids’ work schedules (that’s what the teenage years do to you). But I think I need to start it again!

Incidentally, if you plan on socializing more, and you bring dishes to the church a lot, this may help! Mabel’s Labels has just launched their new line of Wash Away Labels. These labels are perfect for potluck dishes, bottles for daycare, frozen foods, canning jars, and much more. When the labels are are no longer needed, simply pop in the dishwasher or under running water to rinse off. Best of all, these labels disappear completely, leaving no sticky residue. I find these really useful just for labeling things in my fridge and freezer. I used to use regular labels but they wreaked havoc on our dishwasher!

Whew. That’s a whole lot of updates for you in one post! I hope I’ve given you lots to read and think about.

My big takeaways: Marriage takes hard work. But it’s worth it! And don’t forget to have fun, which means don’t forget to spend time with those you love.

This post contains affiliate links.

Related posts:

Why Frumpy Makes You Grumpy
Top Posts for June
Marriage Problems: Is Marriage Counselling the Answer?

Wifey Wednesday: Why It’s so Hard to Say Yes to Sex

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I’ll introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up your own marriage post below.

In just five short days I’ll be launching my first online course through The School of Intimacy–a 6-week study of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (if you don’t have the book yet, don’t worry! You get one mailed to you when you sign up). And I thought that leading in to that I’d ask why this is often such an area of difficulty in marriages.

So on my Facebook Page (have you joined yet?) I asked this question:

Why is it so hard sometimes to say yes to sex?

he hasn’t paid attention to any part of my day up to that moment.
When the house is turned upside down!
When a sexual comment is the only conversation I’ve heard from hubby all day…we’ve been married 30 years.
When we’ve had an argument and then he thinks he can roll over and we’ll kiss and make up. Yeah right!!!! Or when I’m so tired I can’t see straight
.…when the only conversation for the day is a proposition
you don’t come to bed until after mid night because you once again fell asleep watching television.
When I can’t get my brain to slow down and relax.
…when he ignored and/or criticized me all day
I’ve been in mommy mode for 12 hours.
you refuse to shower for a long length of time.
when he wont kiss me and ask me how i am doing or say good morning
When I have had to discipline kids allllll day long!!! Sometimes it is difficult switching roles!!!
When I feel unattractive and over weight. Regardless of how beautiful my husband tells me I am.
When I had small babies with me all day, I felt like someone was ALWAYS touching me. I needed hands-off time.
…he has fallen asleep on the couch and stayed there and it happens a couple nights in a row, and then suddenly comes to bed several nights later…

And then there were a few versions of this one:

I know it doesn’t last too long….lol

(I’m going to deal with this one in an awesome blog series in May: How to Make Love so it Curls Your Toes! So wait for it. It’s going to be fun).

Whew! That’s a lot of women struggling in this area.

So ladies, we all know we have these issues. We know these problems abound. But we also know that sex keeps a marriage close. It helps you to sleep better. And it helps you to feel more positively towards your spouse.

How, then, do we get over this hurdle and actually make love?

Some quick thoughts for you today:

1. Go to bed at a decent hour regularly

Seriously. The biggest hurdle? Exhaustion. I totally understand. But when we’re always running on 6 1/2 hours of sleep, or we don’t head to bed until we’re ready to drop, we’re hardly going to want to make love.

So go to bed at the same time. Turn off those screens and turn in! And here’s a way to think about it: You need 8 hours of sleep. You also need AT LEAST half an hour in bed first, talking and praying and making love. So you should be going to bed AT LEAST 8 1/2 hours before the alarm is going to go off (or the kids are going to arrive in the bedroom).

Do that consistently, and you’ll likely find exhaustion isn’t as much of a factor.

I know it’s hard when children are really little, but that’s when setting firm schedules and helping them learn to sleep through the night can be so important.

2. Take some time for yourself during the day

Find an hour, just for yourself, sometime during the day so that you don’t need those late hours at night. A friend of mine, who is a foster mom, joined a gym where they offer free day care. Now she can exercise, or just relax in the pool, for an hour every so often while her foster kids are taken care of. She needs that break.

Another friend of mine who works full time takes her lunch hour all to herself. She doesn’t hang out with co-workers. She just goes for a walk and eats while walking, or she reads a novel. She escapes to a food court where people won’t bug her and she just catches a few moments when no one is asking her to do anything.

Get that time earlier in the day and you’ll be more rejuvenated later in the day!

3. Find time to talk to your hubby

One of the biggest impediments was a version of, “he’s only interested in me for one thing”. He doesn’t help around the house. He doesn’t speak nicely to me. He spends the evening as a couch potato and then he wants sex.

That can be very demoralizing. But I’ve also found that, in general, the more we make love, the more he actually WANTS to spend time together. It becomes a circle that feeds itself. You make love, he feels more affectionate and generous. He acts more affectionate and generous, you make love. Etc. etc.

So start the ball rolling! But if that’s still difficult because you just haven’t connected, plan time earlier in the evening to do that connection. Go for a walk after dinner. Ask if he’ll help you with the dishes routine after dinner so that you can talk while doing the dishes. Talk about what chores you can assign to each other so you feel as if he has contributed that evening. Maybe he can always be the one to give the kids their baths, for instance. We tend to clean the house when we see what needs doing. Men don’t work the same way. So if you ask him for a specific task, he’s more likely to do it.

If you talk more earlier in the day, and if he does a chore or two, you can get over some of that reluctance. And then see how adding sex to the equation in your marriage can actually improve many of these difficulties that make you distant in the first place!

4. Anticipate

Finally, the reason that we find it hard to say yes is that for women, sex is primarily in our brains. If our brains aren’t engaged, it’s hard for our bodies to feel aroused. So feeling distant, feeling exhausted, or feeling taken for granted all become major impediments because they impact our thought processes.

But remember: it also works the other way. If sex is primarily in our brains, then if we DECIDE to have a positive attitude about it, and we DECIDE to anticipate it, our bodies will likely follow. We are not slaves to our thoughts; we can change them. Think earlier in the day: I am going to feel AMAZING tonight. We are going to have AWESOME sex and it’s going to help me sleep so well! I’m going to be able to RELAX tonight an all the worries of the day are going to float away. I’m going to have so much FUN! We’re going to really connect tonight!

Start thinking about the benefits of sex, and thinking about what’s coming, and you just may find that it’s easier to say yes after all!

Now tell me in the comments: which strategy will make the biggest difference in your marriage? And remember: if you want to learn about all the ways that we can have an ABUNDANT sex life, and not just a mediocre one, sign up for my 6 week course starting next Monday!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more