Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 246

Things I Don’t Understand

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week, I’m sharing thoughts on things that perplex me.

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person, but there are some things that I will never understand.

Last week, for instance, I stopped by a little take-out restaurant to treat my daughters to Indian food. But I couldn’t get a parking spot, because the payday advance store right next door was bursting at the seams (it was a Friday night). I will never understand payday advances. If you can’t make it through to the next pay cheque without an advance this month, what makes you think you can make it through next month—when you’ll have even less money to stretch?

I don’t understand the lure of lottery tickets, either. Let’s say you spend $5 a week on the lottery. What’s five bucks, right? But take that $5 and invest it, and you’re investing $250 a year. That’s $2,500 over ten years, not including interest. How many people who buy lottery tickets win $2,500? Basically they’re throwing money away.

I watched the Gangnam style video, along with a few billion other people. I don’t get that, either. It wasn’t that funny. I admit to chuckling watching a 3-year-old dance it on Ellen, but other than that, I suppose I fail when it comes to pop culture.

And I’ve never understood Bratz dolls. Why would you buy a child a toy that emulates a brat? Do you want her to think it’s cute? It sounds like a sad, self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’m also baffled by desserts that don’t include chocolate. Sure you may like apple pie or lemon tortes, but chocolate is so much better. If you had a choice, why would you reach for something subpar?

When it comes to clothes, I’ve never really understood bikinis. Very, very few women who wear them actually look good in them, because once gravity happens, it doesn’t unhappen. And if you are one of the few teenage girls who looks awesome in one, you shouldn’t be wearing it for a whole host of other reasons.

It’s not like I think extra fabric is the answer to everything, though. I don’t understand our current fascination with hemming pants so that they touch the floor. Am I the only one who finds this super inconvenient in the winter with slush and puddles and snow? And if they’re hemmed the right length when I have on heels, what happens when I’m at home in my sock feet? I’m forever stepping on my pants. Not good.

Another pet peeve of mine is women’s boots with no traction. It seems like we have two choices when it comes to boots: clunky ugly ones that keep you upright, or lovely, beautiful ones that turn every small patch of ice into a skating rink. They’re boots, people. That means you’re supposed to wear them when there’s snow and ice. Maybe it’s all a diabolical plan to ensure that every woman walking outdoors in winter has to take the hand of a guy. That at least would make sense.

Finally, the thing perplexing me most lately is families who go berserk about money. Mom dies and all the siblings are fighting over who gets her rings. Or no one speaks to each other for years afterwards because someone claimed Grandma’s armoire. Do we really want to take the most important relationships we have and boil them all down to money? This life is too short for that. Why not let yourself be wronged a little bit, and just let it go? Isn’t a sibling, or a parent, or a child, more important than being right? Sometimes being right just leaves you alone. And there are too many confusing things in this world to have to walk through these days without people we love.

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Related posts:

A Spry Grandma
Something’s Gotta Give
Seeking Peace on Earth

Is Marriage About Happiness?

I created this graphic for my Facebook Page this week (thanks for all who shared it!):

Sometimes we think marriage is all about us feeling happy, and we let our feelings dictate our commitment to the marriage.

A few other posts that help with this:

Elizabeth from Warrior Wives (a frequent Wifey Wednesday contributor and commenter!) wrote a great article called My Heart is Telling Me To Do It. Excellent!

Don’t Follow Your Heart. A column I wrote a while back on why do we think our feelings should guide us, anyway?

How Does a Marriage Change? How do we get over our problems and actually see change?



Made For Each Other–My column about how my husband and I BECAME made for each other the longer we had been married.

Hope for Those in Hurting Marriages. If you need some encouragement today.

And there was a heart-wrenching thread on Facebook last night you may want to check out (and contribute to). I posted a Reader Question: We’ve been trying to get pregnant (to no avail), and now sex is stressful. What do we do? Interesting responses. Add your own!

Help spread the word about creating great marriages by pinning this post! Thanks!

Related posts:

Marriage Conference Thoughts
Marriage VLog: Should You Change to Make Your Marriage Better?
Fight for your Marriage

Wifey Wednesday: 10 Not-So-Helpful Things To Do for Your Spouse

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up your own posts below! Today welcome guest author, Beth Steffaniak from Messy Marriage, who is a frequent linker-upper to Wifey Wednesdays.

Recently I wrote a post about the subject of helping my husband. You can refer to it here, if you’d like.  But the idea got me to thinking … there are lots of ways I can help my husband but …

There are also a lot of ways that I think I’m helping my husband when I’m really hurting him or blocking his growth.

So I’m going to list some of those not-so-helpful ways for you today.

My not-so-helpful list:

When I point out how my husband needs to grow or change before looking at my own need for growth.
When I think that sarcasm is a funny way to get my point (or criticism) across to my hubster.
When I think that suffering silently is an unselfish way of giving to him, when it’s really taking away his chance to minister to a need in my life.
When I bite my tongue before saying my thoughts (which can be good/helpful) but hold onto the resentment that sparked the thought in the first place.
When I think I’m getting to the heart of the matter by assuming his motives, instead of just asking him what he meant or did—then believing him when he tells me!
When I withhold information in an effort to avoid a fight … The end does not justify the means!
When I “guilt him” into doing something for me that might be good/helpful … Again, end doesn’t justify means!
When I vent to God and friends about him, thinking I’m releasing my frustrations and addressing the problem.
When I keep score on how much he’s given to me versus how much I’ve given him, in an effort to “balance” the scales in our marriage.
When I feel like arguing over a matter will convince my husband of the truth my truth, when actually God is calling me to a higher place of grace. 

Now, remember, my list is not exhaustive, so perhaps you could add a few more of your own in the comment section below! If you would, that would be super, fantastic and extra-splendilly-ishesly helpful to me as well!

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Hebrews 10:24 (NIV)

Beth Steffaniak is a pastor’s wife, counselor, life-coach and mom to three budding young men. She blogs at messymarriage.com, where her heart is to be “Real, Raw and Redemptive” about the messiness of life and marriage. She believes that God calls us to see the ugly, broken, desperate mess from His perspective—the eternal, unseen, redemptive side.

Now, what thoughts do you have for us today? Link up a marriage post in the linky below, or leave a comment!

Christian Internet Dating–It Works!

I’m a natural matchmaker. I sit in bed at night and obsess over all the single people I know, and who they would work well with.

I’ve even tried to fix some of them up, to rather disastrous results.

I’m just like Jane Austen’s Emma, though with a little more personal self-awareness.

But I can’t help the fact that it BOTHERS me when I know Christian singles who aren’t single by choice. I know that God can be enough. I know that God can give them joy, and can do great things through them, and that their lives can be full. And I know many single people who are quite satisfied that way.

Others, though, really did want to get married. And I think that’s a good thing, and an honourable thing. I don’t like thinking of people being lonely, especially when I know how wonderful a family can be.

I met my husband in university. It was a prime time to meet one’s mate; we were surrounded by single people, of the same age, and we all went to church and campus Christian groups together. Probably about half of my friends married people from university.

The other half married shortly thereafter, or else didn’t marry at all. Once you’re done university, it gets harder to find a mate. It doesn’t mean you won’t, and I do believe that God can bring the right person along any time (I know two young people in their twenties who met a mate on the mission field–in the middle of nowhere!) But it does get harder, because you’re not in a place where there’s the same pool of single Christians.

I worked briefly after university, when I was married, and my workplace was primarily female. If I’d had to rely on work to find a mate, I’d have been in trouble.

And once you’ve worked through the singles at the church you go to, what do you then do? You can try other churches in your city, but if you’re in a small city, like I am, that gets tough, too.

About eight or nine years ago some of my friends starting trying internet dating services. I was really suspicious at first. What if you meet creeps? How do you know what they’re really like? And aren’t most people on internet dating desperate and pathetic?

But that wasn’t the case at all. Five of my friends that I can think of, off of the top of my head, met through internet dating. And there are internet dating sites like www.eharmony.com.au that gives you the chance to meet compatible Christian singles close to your location without moving from home.

Here are the stories of my friends:

(Names changed) Diane was a 40-something teacher. She met a man who had been divorced because his wife left him. They’ve been married now for about five years and are quite happy.

Amy was also a 40-something teacher. She met another divorced man (he’d been divorced for almost fifteen years after a very brief marriage when his wife left). They’re having a blast.

Lorraine was in her early 30s. She met a guy who lived about three hours away. They married a year later and now have 3 kids.

Hannah was in her mid 30s. She’d dated off and on but nothing stuck. She says she was given six matches, and 3 were creeps and 2 were weird, but the last one was amazing. Great job, great family. He just had never gotten married because he’d been so busy building his business he hadn’t had time to date and the years had gotten away from him.

And Leslie was in her early 30s. She spent six years on the mission field in her 20s, and returned home at 28 thinking it wouldn’t be hard to get married now. But she just couldn’t meet anyone single. She met a man who was a farmer, super busy, and had never had time to meet anyone. She’s a vet, so it worked out perfectly.

All five couples are Christians and married strong Christians. All still go to church and serve God with their husbands. Two of my friends married divorced men (but their wives had left), and three found men who had never been married at all–no baggage or anything.

Watching them really changed my mind about internet dating. As long as you’re specifically looking for a Christian, and you’re very upfront about issues like, “do you pray? What’s your favourite Bible verse? Where do you serve in church?”, then you’re doing well.

All five did meet some men they really didn’t like, but that’s par for the course, I guess. And their identities were kept private during the initial conversations so that if the person was creepy, you could just ban them or delete them and they couldn’t contact you again.

So I honestly now suggest to people who are single who do want to be married that they try it. Just be up front about who you are and what you want, and be very vocal about your faith, and see what happens. We live in an increasingly fragmented society, and it does get very hard to meet people. But that doesn’t mean those people aren’t there.

If you have friends or family members that are single, then, I’d say give it a whirl!

What do you think? Did any of you meet your spouses through internet dating? Tell me your experience!

For more information on this post’s sponsorship, visit here.

Related posts:

Emotional Affairs–The Dangers are Real
5 Steps to Raising a Child Who Will Stay Christian
How Many Close Friends are Enough?

Can We Cause Someone Else to Sin?

On Saturday there was quite the hullabaloo in the comments! I submitted a Reader Question: Is it right to expect your husband to be affectionate occasionally? Is it right to expect him not to ogle other women (especially if you’re right there)?

Some readers left some great suggestions.

But a disagreement broke out between two camps. Their arguments were as follows:

Camp A: Men are easily tempted when it comes to looking at women. If a wife withholds sex, or isn’t “sex positive” (like she sees sex as a chore), he can find it very difficult to stop looking.

Camp B: No one is responsible for another sinning. To look at a woman other than your wife is a sin. And you cannot expect a woman, who is totally demoralized, to then want to experience something really intimate with her husband.

Don’t get mad at me here, but I think both camps are right. I’d like to take each of their points in turn, and then suggest what I think is a helpful way to address an impasse like this in the marriage.

Let’s look first at Camp A:

Is it possible to tempt someone to sin, or cause someone to sin?

The quick answer would be appear to be yes. Mark 9:42 says:

And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck.

And in Romans 14, Paul is talking about tempting the weaker brother (or sister). He says:

I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. 15 If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died. (verses 14 & 15). It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall. (verse 21)

So Paul is saying: if what you are doing can cause someone else to fall, don’t do it.

Therefore, we are to be very aware of the effect our actions can have on someone else sinning.

We don’t like to think about it very much, but it’s there in Scripture. I think the problem that many of us have is that we start measuring sins: I may have withheld sex, but that doesn’t give him an excuse to have an affair! Or to watch porn! And I would agree. These verses never say that when the person sinned THEY ARE NOT ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE SIN. I fully believe that they are. But we still need to be aware of the effect of our actions.

Camp B:

He’s sinned against me, so how can he expect me to just forget about it and act all intimate and make love? When he sins against me, I absolutely don’t want to make love to him. He’s hurt me.

Absolutely. I totally understand this. In fact, I wrote in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex that “men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to make love.” This is absolutely crucial to a woman’s libido. When she does not feel loved and cherished, she isn’t going to feel in the mood.

And to ask her to “go through the motions” so that she can stop a guy who is acting like a pig from sinning does not appear to be a Christian attitude.

And I would agree with that, too.

So now we’re at an impasse. What do we do?

The Way Through

Ultimately we are responsible for what we did. And it is more important to God that we deal with our own sin than that we worry about someone else’s. When you are in conflict with your spouse, your main job is not to fix your spouse; it is to go to God and ask, where did I play a role in this? That’s a hurtful thing. And you’re not asking: “Did I cause it?”, because again, people always have a choice whether to sin or not. Nevertheless, searching your heart and seeing where you may have contributed to it helps you to be able to ask forgiveness, and to get on a right footing with God and with your spouse.

And if there is anything that you did–even if you were only 5% responsible, as if such a thing could be measured–it’s important to own up and admit that. It helps you break the ice. You’re not blaming your spouse for everything; you’re saying, “we have a problem. I know that I partially contributed to it. I did X and Y, and I am truly sorry, and ask you to forgive me.”

That is a freeing thing. If you go to a spouse who is using porn after you spent several years not making love to him and you say that, that gets your heart in the right place so that you can now address the issue. And it helps you have a humble attitude before God and your spouse.

So now you’ve dealt with your part–and that should ALWAYS be the first thing we do when we have a conflict.

Now it’s time to deal with your spouse’s part. And this may mean saying something like,

“I realize that I hurt you. But please hear me: I need you to realize how much you are hurting me now. And what I really want is for us to be intimate. I don’t want to refuse you; I want us to have a vibrant sex life. But I CANNOT do that when you are ogling other women/using porn/verbally abusing me (whatever it may be). I don’t want us to go on like this. Can we talk about how to help me feel more loved, so that we can get to a place where we both are feeling loved and cherished?”

You’re starting a conversation. You’re saying what you’re aiming for: intimacy and fun. You’re saying that you want to get there. But you do have a very real roadblock which he needs to address.

There’s been some disagreement in the comments, too, about whether her just having sex with him will reduce the temptation to look at other women. I think so much of that depends on the relationship, and I can’t make a firm pronouncement on that. When men become addicted to porn, for instance, it really is an attraction to an image or an idea or an objectified woman, not a real woman. And having sex with a real woman will not meet the need for a masturbatory selfish act. They’re two separate things.

On the other hand, if a guy is just tempted, and is trying not to fall, it could very well help. It just depends on how deep the problem is, and I can’t comment on that.

I do believe, though, that we shouldn’t wait for the other person to do the right thing before we do the right thing. We shouldn’t wait for the other person to love unconditionally before we love unconditionally. That doesn’t mean we can’t talk and express how we feel. That doesn’t mean we can’t go to a counselor or talk to a mentor couple. But we should still choose to love.

However, there are some relationship dynamics where much more is needed that just a healthy sex life. He needs to repent of lust or porn use, and she can’t fix that by just having sex with him.

So there is no black and white answer!

To sum up this murky mess, here’s what I’d say:

1. Examine yourself and see if you contributed in any way

2. Confess this to your spouse and to God

3. Humbly tell your spouse how his/her actions are hurting you now

4. Express your desire for deeper intimacy/more fun

5. Choose to love your spouse wholeheartedly, even if they are still hurting you (this may not involve jumping into a healthy sexual relationship; if your spouse is making pornographic demands on you, or if your spouse has major sexual sin happening, the next step may be to talk to a counselor or mentor. But you can still choose to love in other ways while the sexual one is dealt with).

Let me conclude by telling you the story of a couple that I know. They’ve been married for several decades. She came into the marriage with some emotional baggage, and found sex difficult. She had anger issues. Sex was never a great part of their marriage, and she did withhold quite a bit.

However, after about a decade he became more and more addicted to porn. It became focused on weirder and weirder things. She confronted him many times; she moved out of the bedroom. She told him that he had to stop. He never did.

They went for counseling; things still didn’t change.

He began surfing internet dating sites, and doing very inappropriate things online.

Eventually she told the elders in her church, and the elders supported their separation.

Had she withheld sex? Yes. Does she need to confess that sin and deal with it? Yes. But at this point, he is so far into sin himself that she cannot rebuild a sexual relationship with him (or indeed any relationship at all) until he deals with his sin. They have both messed up, but he is now the one that is jeopardizing the relationship.

So just because you may have caused the sin by withholding sex does not necessarily mean that you can fix it by becoming more “sex positive”. Sometimes the other person may have walked so far down the wrong road that it is first necessary for them to return as well.

That does not put you off the hook; if you have turned a bit to the left, and your spouse has turned a lot to the right, you still have a responsibility to turn back and do your part. But true reconciliation may not be able to happen until your spouse also returns.

Does that make sense? Let me know.

And for all of you who are hurting in this area of your marriage, I know that it is hard. But there is no pit that is so deep that God is not still deeper. And He really can carry you through your pain!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Reader Question of the Week: Wait, He’s Watching THAT?
Wifey Wednesday: Getting Over Your Husband’s Sexual Past

A Winner, An Announcement, and Some Thoughts

Hello, everybody! Are you enjoying the Oscars (those of you who are watching)? I normally don’t care, but I really wanted Anne Hathaway to win for Les Miserables. I have never seen a performance like that, so I am glad that she took home the award!

I have a few quick things to share this Sunday night:

1. Congratulations to Raquel S. who won the $60 giveaway in the Evgie.com wall decal contest! I asked for people to mention the wall decal they liked the best and to share it on Facebook or Pinterest, and then I counted the comments and chose a random numbered one using random.org. Raquel won (and I’ve already emailed her about it). Here’s the one she liked:

Shelving Tree Wall Decal

Evgie has so many other wall decals–it makes decorating your house so much easier. They’re made of vinyl, and can easily attach on, but then can come back off again, too. What a great way to dress up your walls and turn your child’s room into a fantasy playland (or your living room into a sophisticated oasis). Check them out!

2. I’ve also made some changes around the blog in the last week. I’ve hired an assistant now to help me keep up with things on the blog, and another to help me with booking my speaking tours. I’m finding I can’t keep up with everything and it’s getting hard to find time to squeeze in homeschooling, so I’ve  needed to unload some things off of my plate. But that means that I have to find a way to pay for it, so I’ve added some ads in the sidebars just to try to make enough to go towards paying them.

The Google ads appear automatically, and after some kinks where some ads I DIDN’T want to get through were allowed in (sorry about that), I think I’ve sorted that out so that only clean/good ads get through (nothing racy was let through, just some weird religious ones and some weird video games ones. Oops! And sorry).

I’ve also put some ads up of companies that I’ve researched and liked–including several trendy modest clothing companies.

And if any of you are looking for awesome kids’ clothes, starting today, through Wednesday, February 27th, Tea Collection is offering you the chance to buy 3 separates and get the 4th free on select styles with promo code 4FUN. Just look for the 3+1 icon for participating styles. Stock up on comfortable and durable pants for boys. Mix and match adorable girls’ tops and bottoms for endless outfit combinations.

I’m absolutely always going to blog for free, but one way that you can support the bloggers you like (not just me, but any blogs you read), is by buying the things you already need or want by clicking through on someone’s link, so that the sale is attributed to them. Thank you!

3. Let’s talk comments! There’s quite a debate going on in the comments on yesterday’s Reader Question of the Week: Help! My Husband Isn’t Affectionate. I’m going to weigh in on this tomorrow because I think it’s a really important debate. So stay tuned! And if you haven’t already, read the question and you can chime in, too!

Okay, I think that’s it! I’m going to head to bed now, because my 18-year-old daughter is starting her two and a half month contract full-time job tomorrow morning, and I want to get up early to help her get all ready to go. She’s a little nervous.

‘night everyone!

Related posts:

Thank You All So Much…
Random Thoughts … And Thank You!
Monday Morning Thoughts

Reader Question of the Week: Why Isn’t My Husband More Affectionate?

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question comes from a reader, who wants to grow closer with her husband:

Is it fair to have ask for and have expectations of our spouse (not referring to the obvious: monogamous, no abuse, love one another, etc.)

Is it fair to ask and then expect your husband to not to look at other women in your presence? My husband is so obvious when he is drooling and seriously cannot seem to stop himself. It has affected my self esteem and I’ve asked him to stop in my presence. We can be in conversation and he has to look away because there is an attractive women. Really?

How about asking/expecting him to share small affectionate acts toward you because you like/need it not because it is his style? I don’t want to keep asking for everything I need/want. It would feel so good to have it freely given. I’m just referring to 1 or 2 times each day.

What about expecting him to take time to call or text you at least 1 time each day to fill each other in? I always have to initiate and it gets old.

Is it fair to ask/expect him to ignore his phone (calls and texts) during dinner or while we are driving in the car together? These are places that I like to share conversation with him. I feel so unimportant when he is on the phone at these times.

I seem to set myself up for disappointment and yet I feel that I’m not asking for too much. When I ask for these things, he can deliver for a few days but that is it. These few things are really important to me and definitely affect how I end up communicating and feeling toward him. Please share thoughts !?!

What do you think? How can she effectively communicate and grow closer with her husband?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
Reader Question of the Week: Help, My Husband Can Be Gross!
Reader Question of the Week: Healthy Tug-O-War

Teaching Kids to Think Outside the Box

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s is on risk-taking in how we approach education, so our kids have all the tools they need in a changing world economy.

We are so blessed to live in Canada. We don’t worry about whether we’re going to have supper; we just worry about what we’re going to make for supper. We have food in abundance, clothing in abundance, and shelter. Others may have more, but compared to most of the world, we’re at the top.

Personally, I’d like to stay there. But for Canada to remain a vibrant economy, we need dynamism. We need people with new ideas who are willing to run with them. We need people who will think outside the box for new solutions to problems. And we need people who will take risks. Is our school system conducive to raising the next generation to meet these demands?

Our schools are run by people who like school—if they didn’t, why would they go into teaching? They went to university where they trained for a job where they knew exactly what they would be doing. There were few surprises. And chances are they can continue like that for decades. Idea people and risk people wither in bureaucracies, so they rarely work there. Our students, then, are rarely exposed to the kinds of people who make our economy thrive.

That doesn’t mean that our economy doesn’t also need other types of people—hard workers who will do their jobs well; loyal workers who will go that extra mile. But what we need to stay competitive is people who will come up with these new ideas and start new businesses. So what are our schools doing to encourage kids towards entrepreneurism—even if that means foregoing university? Schools tend to push kids towards more school, not towards opening a store, or buying a franchise, or even, heaven forbid, working in the oil sector.

In high school kids can take courses on entrepreneurism, which is a good start. Yet these courses are rarely taught by people who are actually entrepreneurs. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t taught well; only that our kids are missing something. Unless they take a co-op placement, a student can go their entire fourteen years of education, from full-time Junior Kindergarten to grade 12, without ever encountering anyone who built a business.

After all, catching the entrepreneurial spirit is so much more than just the content of the courses; it’s the type of adults who our kids interact with. Those working in the education system have job security, and pensions, and vacations. They have limited room for advancement, but they accept that because the pay is good. They’re not looking to get rich; they want to make a difference, while enjoying security.

In contrast, what does an entrepreneur do? An entrepreneur may take one idea and fixate on it, and do nothing but that for a whole year. They may forego vacations. They may even forego pay for a few years to get the dream started. The biggest skills they’ll have to learn are perseverance, networking, and marketing.

The business world is filled with people who rejected school’s regimentalism: Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett. Yet for each Steve Jobs, how many kids who would have made dynamic, out of the box entrepreneurs did we turn off altogether? How many kids’ passion and drive did we destroy by trying to make them conform?

Teaching and entrepreneurialism are two entirely different skill sets and mindsets. It’s not about slotting in another course or two; it’s about changing the whole school culture. If we want our economy to be dynamic, we’re going to have to make our schools more dynamic, and that may involve taking risks and doing things that have never been done before. I know that sounds drastic, but that’s how most good ideas start.

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Related posts:

Teaching Disabilities
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On Lent, Desserts, and Satisfaction

Wow. Yesterday was my second biggest day on the blog of all time. Thank you so much, everybody! I guess 7 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage really resonated.

If you’re here because you loved that post, and you’ve only just met me, a great place to go for a roundup of all my marriage posts is here. And if you join my Facebook Page, you’ll see more of my quirkiness.

Today I want to share a personal struggle with you.

Our family started practising (is that the right word?) Lent about a decade ago. I’ve spent many years in an Anglican church, and I always liked the tradition: you decide for forego something for the forty days leading up to Easter, and it helps you focus on the message of the season and recognize your need for Jesus.

But I read a tweet right before Lent by a good friend who said,

“Lent should not be a Christian version of New Year’s Resolutions”

and I think she’s so right. I originally thought I’d give up Diet Pepsi, but when I thought about it, I realized I only wanted to because I’ve been trying to quit the stuff for years, and maybe I just needed some added motivation! That didn’t seem like the right attitude.

So my girls and I together (it was really my youngest daughter’s decision, but we all went along with it) decided to forego desserts. That sounded reasonable, because there’s no way I’m quitting desserts permanently. Absolutely. No. Way. So this isn’t like a New Year’s Resolution, since I have no intention of keeping it beyond Easter. But desserts are something that I enjoy. And so the craving for a dessert would prompt us to pray. That would keep me running to God to meet my needs, rather than food.

I haven’t had any desserts in over a week now. And I’m not even that grumpy! I’ve realized that I often turn to desserts when other things–including God–would satisfy.

I know not all of you observe Lent, but I just want to share what I’ve learned, because I think it’s applicable to all of us.

I do have a sweet tooth. I always have. But I find that I never crave dessert after dinner. I crave dessert in the morning (leftover chocolate cake for breakfast? Bring it on!) I crave dessert in the mid-afternoon, around 3. And I crave dessert around 11:30.

And I realized: I crave dessert when I’m hungry.

Maybe that doesn’t sound so revolutionary to you, but this was actually quite an insight for me. I don’t actually crave the sweet stuff when I’m full, after I’ve just had a good meal. I only crave it when I haven’t been treating my body well. Maybe I’m thirsty, or I haven’t eaten well that day, or I haven’t been bothered to make a nice lunch.

During Lent, then, one thing that God’s been helping me to see is that taking better care of myself is an important thing. Being disciplined about eating well, and throughout the day, helps me be more productive and more at peace. And when I can’t reach for the chocolate, I want to try to minimize those temptations as much as I can!

But there’s something else that’s deeper, that’s really what I’ve been thinking about, and it’s this:

Perhaps the reasons we crave the shallow substitutes of the real thing is that we don’t put enough effort into making sure we have the real thing.

Why do we crave watching inane shows on TV all the time? Maybe it’s because we haven’t put enough effort into creating fun family nights that actually do satisfy. Why do we crave playing on Facebook for two hours? Maybe it’s because we haven’t put enough of an effort into building a friendship with our husbands so that we would actually want to do something fun with him. Why do we crave praise from other people, and go to pieces when we don’t get it? Maybe it’s because we haven’t put enough time into just listening to what God has to say to us.

Or, one of the ones I talk about at length, why do we crave a shallow version of sex, rather than a truly intimate one? Maybe it’s because we’ve never taken the time to experience how wonderful sex can be when it’s about more than just the physical.

When I’m full of stuff that’s good for me, I don’t even notice missing sweets. When we are nurturing our friendship with our spouse, spending time with God and listening to His voice, and playing games and laughing with our children, we won’t be so tempted towards time wasters. We’ll feel the difference. We’ll start to crave the things that actually satisfy.

If you don’t feel satisfied in your life right now, and you are craving the more “shallow” things, maybe that’s God’s way of gently telling you that your balance is out of whack. You aren’t spending enough time on the truly important things.

That’s what I’m learning from this Lent: fill myself up with the things that truly satisfy, and the annoying cravings honestly do go away. But the responsibility lies with me first to seek out those things that truly do satisfy.

So seek out God. Seek out true intimacy with your husband. Laugh with your children. Don’t spend your life on logistics, on rushing, on errands. Actually live. It’s so much better!

Do you observe Lent? Tell me about it in the comments!

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7 Thoughts that Will Change Your Marriage

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts using the linky below, or comment and tell us what you think.

Today I want to share with you 7 thoughts that, if we really understood them, could transform your marriage.

1. God is your Father-in-Law

We like to think of God as our Father, our Daddy, our Abba. That’s all very true. God is our Father, and He does love us, and care for us, and listen to our prayers, and want the best for us. He is going to bat for us.

But do you realize that God is also our Father-in-law?

He’s also your husband’s Father. And that means that He really cares about your husband, and He really loves your husband, and He listens to your husband’s heart cry as well. I imagine that one day, I’m going to stand before God, and He’s going to gently talk to me about Keith. He’ll say, “what did you do to care for my son? How did you love my son?”

I so desperately hope that God will be pleased with the way I treated His son.

I once read a quote from author Sally Clarkson, who asked, “what if the greatest act of worship you could do today is to love your husband?” And it very well could be. God loves your husband, and He planned for your husband to have someone to help him, to encourage him, to inspire him, to love him. God wants someone to appreciate your husband, and to urge him on in faith and in love. And that someone, that He has especially prepared for the task, is you.

2. I can’t change him; I can only change me.

Has this thought ever entered your head: “I’d be happy if only he’d…” or “I’ll be happy as soon as he….” If you can fill in the blank, you may have a problem.

What you’re really saying is, “I won’t be happy until he….” You’re making a decision to place your happiness and your sense of peace outside of yourself and into someone else’s hands. You’re waiting for him to change.

The problem with that is that you can’t make anybody else change. Magazine covers don’t believe this; they’re filled with articles like, “7 Ways to Make Your Man More Romantic”, or “How To Get Him to Help Around the House”, or whatever else it may be. They’re focusing on you making him into the kind of person you want to be.

But that attitude is poison for a marriage. When you give  your husband the idea:” you are making me unsatisfied. You are failing me,” he will tend to retreat. He’d rather do things in his area of competence.

What if you’re really unhappy with the way things are? I understand. But nagging and withholding affection and becoming bitter cannot bring about positive change in a marriage. Here’s what can: changing yourself. You can change how you choose to react to him. You can change how you organize the house if you feel that too much is being asked of you. You can get more hobbies if you find yourself relying too much on your husband for adult conversation. (I cover all of this, and more, in my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum).

When you change, you also change the dynamic in the marriage, and that, in and of itself, may bring change in how he reacts to you, too. But insisting that he become someone else will only make you miserable.

3. What if marriage is meant for holiness more than happiness?

When you walked down that aisle, chances are you were thinking, “this is the man who will make me happy for the rest of my life.” That’s why we get married! We find someone that we feel happy with.

What happens, though, when you’ve been married for a while and you find you have different ideas on how to spend your free time, or your money? You have different ideas on showing each other love, on what sex means, or on how much you each should do around the house. And you feel unloved and unappreciated.

Does that mean the marriage is bad? Absolutely not! That’s quite natural. We all have different expectations going into marriage. But perhaps God didn’t make marriage to make us happy; as Gary Thomas says in Sacred Marriage, maybe it’s God’s best vehicle to make us holy. For a marriage to work, we each need to meet the other person’s needs. As we do that, the marriage becomes stronger, we become better people, and you may just find that happiness after all.

4. You will never drift together; you will only ever drift apart.

A few years ago I read about an experiment off of the coast of Brazil. They dropped two bottles into the ocean off of a boat at exactly the same time. The bottles had messages in them–contact this phone number for a reward. One bottle washed up on the coast of Ecuador 100 days later (it went north west). The other bottle went across the Atlantic Ocean, around Africa, and washed up on Tanzania a year later. They started in the same place; they ended up half a world way.

We work the same way. Unless we consciously try to stay close together, we will drift. Drifting is natural; if you want to stop the drift, you have to be intentional.

Most couples stop doing things together as soon as they’re married. Don’t. Now’s the time that you have to be even more intentional about staying close. Do things together–anything–everyday. Make sure you laugh. Find hobbies. Talk. Just be together, or you will find yourselves half a world apart without even realizing how it happened.

5. The marriage comes before the kids.

As soon as children are born they take so much of our attention and energy. They’re needy, they’re demanding, and they’re ever so lovable. But don’t ever make the mistake of prioritizing them over the marriage.

The fact that you have kids means that your marriage matters more, not less, because now other people are counting on you. And what kids need more than anything else is stability. When their parents’ relationship is strong, they are free to grow, and explore, and learn without worry.

Your children are only given to you for a time, and yes, you have to love them. But the marriage relationship is the one that will endure until death. Children will move on; you sure don’t want your spouse to. So nurture the marriage first, even once kids come. It’s important–especially to them.

6. If you win a battle, you often lose the war.

Here’s one I still struggle with: I like to win fights. I think at heart it’s because I have rejection issues, and if Keith is upset at me, my goal is to prove to him why he’s completely and totally wrong. After all, if he sees that he has no reason to be upset, then why would he leave? (For the record, Keith would never leave, but I think this is what goes on in my subconscious).

I’m also a very good debater. I listen really well during fights–but I listen for loopholes so that I can blow his argument to shreds. It doesn’t matter if he’s just talking about how he feels; I can prove he’s wrong.

For the first few years I’m sure I won every fight. But it didn’t seem to be working. Keith was retreating inside himself, and I couldn’t hear his heart anymore. And over the years I’ve learned that you can win the battle but lose the war. When you keep winning, you sometimes drive someone away, because if one person wins and one person loses, you both lose. A relationship is about two people feeling loved, appreciated, and accepted. If you constantly push down someone’s feelings, you’re destroying that relationship–even if technically you are in the right.

So now I’ve learned sometimes just to listen and acknowledge his feelings, and then just shut up. I’ve learned that we need to find the win-win, not the win-lose.

7. I can determine my thoughts

Did you know we aren’t slave to our thoughts? We can change them.

During my pregnancy with our second child we found out that he had a severe heart defect (he later passed away at a month of age). All through that pregnancy I was a wreck. Someone, I can’t even remember who now, suggested that I start a gratitude journal, writing five things that I was thankful for everyday, even if that day was bad.

And I did.

I even wrote it when Christopher was in the hospital. Here’s one day:

Feeding Christopher. Getting to hold him, away from the tubes, and give him his bottle. His eyes opened while he ate!
Becca wanting to cuddle that night
A beautiful sunset as we were walking home
The way Christopher fought the nurse when she tried to give him his medicine. He hates it! I love that he shows spunk
Having a friend drop off spaghetti for us

He went into surgery three days later. Those were some of the hardest days of my life, and yet everyday I focused on what to be grateful for, because I knew at the end of the day I’d have to make a list. And so I found myself searching for things to be grateful for. In fact, most days I remember having to choose the five best, not search for five, because I had spent the day trying to think of little blessings.

Marriage works the same way. When you are looking for things to praise, you will find things to praise. When you are looking for things to be grateful for, you will find things to be grateful for. So if you’ve been in a funk, always noticing the negative, let me give you this challenge: everyday, tell your husband one thing that you’re thankful for about him. And write down five. (you can tell him all five if you want!). But make it a practice to be grateful, and you will find your attitude changing.

There you go: seven thoughts that will change a marriage. There’s so much more, of course, that goes into a great marriage, and I’ve written a ton about sex and conflict resolution and friendship and more. But our thoughts determine our actions. Get our thoughts in line, and it’s easier for those other things to also fall into place!

Now, what do you have for us today? Link up your own marriage post in the linky below, or tell me in the comments: which of the seven is the most revolutionary for you?

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