Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 249

Adult Bullies and their Enablers

Can I ask a quick favor before you read today’s post? I’m considering starting some webinars online where I teach on marriage/sex, but I need your feedback on topic/price/time etc. If you have a second, can you fill out this survey for me? Thank you!



Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s talks about adult bullying–have you ever experienced that?

Anti-bullying campaigns are all the rage in our schools today. What we often fail to remember, though, is that bullying behavior doesn’t stop the moment one dons a graduation cap.

Have you ever encountered an adult bully? I’ve been in social situations when someone has said something so outrageous and mean-spirited that I was temporarily rendered mute, a state which drove me absolutely bonkers as I was lying in bed later that night thinking of all the things I should have said. They eluded me at the time because the situation seemed so bizarre.

I think that’s why adult bullies can be so effective: the behavior is just so out of the ordinary. Sure, we may talk behind people’s backs (which is terrible, too), but in general we try to be polite to people’s faces. When someone violates that cardinal rule, we’re often so shocked that we say nothing. Perhaps it’s the residual British culture in us, but we’re not programmed to make scenes; we’re programmed to avoid scenes.

Bowling over people, then, becomes an awfully effective way at getting what they want. And they may genuinely not realize they’re pretentious jerks, although I think more likely they don’t care. They have such an inflated sense of their own self-worth that they keep at it.

We’ve been busy teaching children how to deal with bullies, but perhaps we need a refresher course for adults. You’re being bullied if someone constantly demeans you or says snide remarks about you. You’re being bullied if someone is constantly yelling at you or criticizing you. You’re being bullied if someone deliberately isolates you in social or work situations. And you’re being bullied if someone is constantly making helpful “suggestions” and laying guilt trips if you don’t take them.

I often find that adult bullies tend to be older, especially in families. They think they have the right to tell other people how to live their lives and demand things a certain way. And we tolerate it, because “that’s just Grandpa Joe.” Or we do our best to compensate, running interference if anyone opens their mouths and says something that may set him off. We spend our energy trying to placate or distract Grandpa Joe so nothing bad happens. What kind of family life is that?

Sometimes bullying, especially in families, is more covert. If you call them on it, they reply with incredulity, “I was just asking questions! I can’t believe you took it that way,” putting the blame back on you. And then you start to wonder if you’re the crazy one. Yet even if you turn yourself inside out to try to please the bully, you never will, because bullies thrive on the feeling of instilling fear. Meet one demand and they’ll come up with another.

Maybe it’s time our British, don’t rock the boat culture learned something from the Italians, who say everything. So let’s practice: “You are being inappropriate.” “I won’t sit here and listen if you talk to me like that.” “You are a guest in this home, Mom, so you should treat us with respect.” Or, better still, stand up for someone else. “Dad, you owe Jennifer an apology. You were completely out of line.” And if they start yelling or criticizing you, just repeat it. Then stand up and leave the room. There is no law requiring you to sit in a chair and be insulted.

If more of us just spoke up, bullies would lose their shock and awe power. And it’s time the rest of us had some shock and awe on our side instead.

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Related posts:

What Unites Us: Why Anti-Bullying Efforts Often Miss the Mark
It’s Tough Being a Teen
What Makes a Kid Terrific

Will You Still Love Me If…?

Today, we welcome guest author, Jamy Whitaker, who shares about acceptance in marriage.

As women, we long to be wanted and accepted. However, many times our insecurities seem to sabotage us. The lies that we are not good enough creep in. Then one day that special someone comes into our lives and we feel that sense of being chosen and accepted.

Whether you are a newlywed or have been married for several years, I am sure that you would attest to the fact that your insecurities do not disappear as soon as you say, “I do.” In many cases, our insecurities are actually heightened. We start to wonder; will you still love me if I gain weight? If I lose my job? If the house isn’t cleaned? Or if dinner isn’t perfect? The list can go on and on. I know these things can run through women’s minds because they run through mine.

After my first husband left me with three small children, I was almost overtaken by the shouts of my insecurities, maybe if I was thinner or the house was cleaner or the meals were gourmet then he would have stayed. What was so wrong with me? It wasn’t until later that I realized it did not have anything to do with me. The void he was trying to fill could only be satisfied with God.

Fast forward. God brought an incredible man into the lives of my kids and me. He met everything I could have ever hoped for and more. It wasn’t long before we were married and all a family. No matter how incredible my husband is, the voices of my insecurities starting rising to the top; He can’t possibly love you, you’ve been divorced, You aren’t good enough to keep your first husband what makes you think this one will stay?

When these thoughts start creeping into your mind, the first thing you need to do is take them captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). You cannot let the enemy get this foothold in your mind. It can lead to destructive, self-defeating thoughts and a downward spiral in yourself, which can affect your relationship with your spouse. Do not let these thoughts and feelings go unchecked.

I recommend having an open and honest conversation with your husband. He needs to know what is going on in your mind. Your husband, like mine, can reassure you that these are not true and where improvements, if any, need to be made. Communication is the key in a healthy, strong marriage.

After having a conversation with your husband, start working on replacing Satan’s lies with God’s truth. I will start you off with one truth you can claim; as soon as we call upon the name of Jesus, we are accepted by Him (1 Corinthians 1:2). As Christians, we are set apart to have a relationship with Christ. Anyone who calls on the name of Jesus has the distinction of being an accepted child of God.

Whether we care to admit it or not, being accepted is important to us. The feeling of acceptance can also be present within marriage. The key is not to get hung up on being accepted by people. Do not let this mold and shape who you are around your spouse. By

doing so, you are simply putting on the mask of acceptance. He is accepting who you appear to be, not who you really are. Our Heavenly Father has graciously bestowed acceptance upon us. All we need to do is call upon His name.

Our acceptance is also seen in Acts, “And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved” (Acts 2:21 NIV). Look closely at the wording of this verse; it says everyone. Not just the good ones, or the ones who have it all together or dress a certain way or fill in the blank, but everyone.

The identity of being accepted makes me think of young children. For the most part, children do not see fat or thin, pretty or ugly, smart or dumb; they see people for whom they really are inside. Our Heavenly Father freely gives this same kind of acceptance to us. God graciously extends acceptance to anyone who calls upon His name. We might as well take down the mask we are hiding behind because God sees us and accepts up just the way we are.

Once the lies have been replaced, you will be a healthier and stronger partner in your marriage, which in turn will grow. This is not to say that dealing with insecurities is a one-time thing. Satan knows our weaknesses, but we need to be on guard and ready to disregard his lies and replace them with the Truth.

The issue of our insecurities is addressed in my book, Get REAL: Stop Hiding Behind the Mask. For more information, please check out my website, www.jamywhitaker.com, or my facebook page, www.facebook.com/AuthorJamyWhitaker.

Jamy Whitaker graduated with a degree in English from Indiana State University. She lives in Indiana, in a picturesque, rural setting, lovingly referred to as Whit-Akers, with her husband and five children. Visit www.jamywhitaker.org to learn more about Jamy, her writing and speaking.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Keeping Your Eyes on Yourself
Wifey Wednesday: Did You Marry a Beast?
Wifey Wednesday: What Makes a Marriage?

Wifey Wednesday: Great posts to read!

Thank you so much for everyone who participates in Wifey Wednesday! You make the community here so much more valuable.

I’m just swamped today, because I’m preparing five talks that I’m delivering at the Break Forth conference in Edmonton this weekend. I thought today, then, that rather than write my own post I’d post some links to great posts I’ve found through Wifey Wednesday over the last few weeks. But this isn’t a definitive list; there are lots of others, and I encourage you to read the posts that are linked up. So much wisdom there!

I’d like periodically to do a “shout out” to other marriage bloggers, because I’d love for you to get to know more of them. So I’ll likely do this periodically, and hopefully some of these other bloggers can get new readers, too.

First, a sad one. Confessions of a Fraidy Cat is written by a woman who reads and comments at this blog quite a bit. She recently left an abusive marriage, and is working through the ramifications of that. I thought this was a lovely post of the emotional turmoil you go through and how you cling to God in that: Dancing on Broken Glass.

You all know that I’m a big marriage advocate, and I don’t like divorce. But I also know that some women are in situations that are untenable, and God wants them out. I think those situations are far fewer in number than the number of Christians who divorce, but they are real, and I’m glad she got help.

Ngina Otiende is another frequent reader and commenter, and a valuable contributor here! She has a lovely marriage blog with tons of awesome marriage posts, and I found this one that I thought was excellent: 10 Things Your Spouse Needs To Hear You Say. Absolutely!

Elizabeth at Warrior Wives is a frequent contributor and a frequent commenter, and she writes a very insightful blog. Her post last week was wonderful: is your hope in Christ, or is your hope in what you want Christ to do for you? A great reminder as we pray over our marriages.

Over at A Word to the Wives Mrs. Older has a bee in her bonnet: why do so many families fall apart? She goes on a great rant there.

Finally, my friend Danielle writes the blog Fancy Little Things, and she’s got a giveaway going on right now for a copy of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Head on over and enter!

Now I thought I’d leave you with a graphic that I put up on my Facebook Page recently.

Now it’s your turn to link up! Link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below, and be sure to share our blog button so that others can come here and read other great marriage posts! And I’m going to start highlighting one or two Wifey Wednesday posts by my readers in my monthly marriage newsletter (read by 12,000 women), so link up!

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The Fantasy Fallacy

Shannon Ethridge is a kindred spirit. She’s written a number of books on Christian sex, and she’s just come out with another one that talks about a lot of issues we discuss on this blog: The Fantasy Fallacy. In it, she looks at why we are so frequently haunted by sexual fantasies we do not want, and what we can do about it.

Quite simply, this is a wonderful book that will help you understand better how you work, and will point you to true healing and true intimacy and true oneness–what God really designed for us.

And it starts by recognizing that often our desires for sex are not about sex at all. She says:

“The Sexual Revolution isn’t about sex at all. It’s about broken people using other people, desperately trying to medicate their own emotional pain through sexual acts.”

On the other hand, God wants us to GIVE to one another–not take.

So if we know that sex is supposed to be about giving to your spouse, and supposed to be a glorious intimate experience, what do we do when we’re tempted to read erotic novels, or to watch porn, or we get weird fantasies?

There are really two fantasy fallacies that Shannon is dealing with: the first is that all fantasy is wrong; and the second is that we need to be in bondage to our fantasies. She systematically demolishes both of these arguments in her book.

Shannon isn’t afraid to deal with these very real temptations that Christians have–Christians from all walks of life. The problem, though, is that often we can’t talk about sexual fantasy because we don’t know what it means. We think it’s automatically not Christian. But we all have sexual thoughts, and what’s the difference? So she’s saying, the real issue is that if sexual thoughts and longings are from God, how do we channel them properly? What do they mean?

Consider that: to fantasize about doing well in school means we’re smart; to fantasize about serving on the mssion field means we’re godly; to fantasize about improving our sex lives means we’re perverted. True? No, says Shannon. She says:

I absolutely do not think that all fantasy is wrong, but those fantasies that push beyond what is socially or spiritually acceptable are most often rooted in childhood trauma or unresolved pain.

Why did she write the book? To help people examine their fantasies, recognize the roots of the harmful ones, and invite God to heal their pain.

She gives lots of examples from her own life and lays herself bare. For instance, she tells of an instance when she found her head being turned she started to worry she wanted to have an affair. She spoke to a counselor and her husband, and her husband said, “this isn’t about you and me; this is about you and your dad.” So she worked on her daddy issues, and asked Greg just to hold her.

She talks about three types of sexual fantasies:

Autoerotic–come into our heads unbidden (not wrong)
Erotic–using our thoughts to turn us on (not necessarily bad, especially in marriage)
Illicit–something that’s wrong. For instance, 90% of people report fantasizing about someone other than their spouse. Does this mean it’s normal and we can say it’s okay? Nope.

What do you do if you’re addicted to fantasy? If you find that you need fantasy to get you aroused, even when you’re making love to your spouse? I talked about this at length in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and I was happy to see her with more or less the same advice, including:

Taking your time–if you resort to fantasy to make sex feel better, simply take more time! Sex doesn’t need to be over with in ten minutes. Or play music and open your eyes, to help get your brain off of your fantasy. Focus on your breathing.

The real meat of her book, though, came when she started to look at specific types of fantasies that we’re drawn to, and then helped us see the pain that was often beneath those fantasies to give us a strategy to deal with them. You can tell she’s a psychologist, which is good. She knows what she’s talking about, and she’s able to take what’s good in modern psychology, toss out what’s bad, and bring Scripture into it. She says:

“The core of our sexual longings is a much deeper spiritual longing.”

Sexual release is an incredible tranquilizer for pain. But when we have to throw in danger or porn to get excited, we rob ourselves of one of the richest experiences of our lives.

She looks into the how and why we often gravitate towards certain fantasies and the spiritual longings they represent, and helps us to understand why our brains go there–”you can’t change the fruit until you trace the root.” Why is it that you’re drawn to this? What is the pain? Shannon gives a lot of very graphic examples of fantasies that people have told her in her practice, and how she’s helped them trace the root. Some may be disturbed by how graphic they are. I wasn’t. Honestly, you hear this stuff all the time in movies, or just looking through magazines today. And it was necessary, because so many people reading the book are carrying their pile of shame. And to see that there is a root, a logical cause, is such a relief. It helps you to see that you are not a freak, you are just someone in pain.

Does this mean that it’s not sin? No, not at all. We then choose what we want to do when these thoughts bombard us. Will we entertain them or discard them? It’s easier to discard them if you understand them, and then rechannel them.

What I really appreciated about the book is that is was REAL. It was real about the porn industry; it was real about the struggles people  have (even Christians); it was real about our fantasies. Quite often we just don’t talk about these things, even though all of us, to some extent, struggle with them. It is time for the church to GET REAL and start addressing people where they are at, not just some sterilized version of what sex should be. Many of us are dealing with very real temptations and very real shame, and we need someone to point the way without just saying, “Jesus is enough.”

I’m not saying that Jesus isn’t enough; but sometimes it takes more than just that. It takes time to look at our pain. It takes time to examine our hearts and see where we’re crying out for intimacy, and why we feel drawn in wrong directions.

And once we see where our struggles lie, we can invite God in. We can develop strategies to make sure this doesn’t happen again. We can open up and experience an even greater degree of intimacy with our spouse. And we can finally be healed.

You can be healed.

No matter what shame you have, God is bigger than that. God wants to take it from you.

You may not understand the root of it, but there is a root. Jesus wants to be let in, not cut out from one part of your life.

Will you let Him?

The Fantasy Fallacy is a great place to begin if you’ve ever struggled with sexual fantasy that you’ve wanted to get rid of. It could just be the tool that God will use to give you the answers, and the hope, you’ve been searching for.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Who Is Your Romantic Fantasy?
Wifey Wednesday: When Sex Causes you Pain
How to Spice Things Up without Fifty Shades of Grey

What’s Coming Up–Women’s Conferences, Webinars, and More!

What a weekend I have had! My oldest daughter turned 18 (I’m now the mother of an adult!), and I took the girls down to Pittsburgh (7 hours away) for a Bible quizzing tournament with some really good friends. Becca decided she wanted to spend her 18th birthday with friends, so off we went. I know it sounds geeky, but our church does quizzing and the girls have learned so much Scripture that way, and met so many wonderful friends. (By the way, you can catch up on more of my personal side by following me on Facebook!). I just want to say that driving 7 hours in one day is REALLY TIRING.

And now I’m back and this week is dedicated to conference preparation. I’m speaking at the women’s track at the Break Forth conference in Edmonton next weekend. Break Forth is a HUGE conference attended by 15,000 people every year. They have amazing speakers (obviously), great worship, and wonderful times of prayer.

I’m giving five different talks I have to finalize, but I’m excited about them!

Conferences can be such a renewing time in your Christian walk–if you do them right. I think we all need special times throughout the year when we hear a different speaker–someone other than our pastor–to give us a broader perspective and remind us more of the wider body of Christ. And the thing about a conference is that it’s intense–lots of classes, lots of worship. You dedicate a specific amount of time to God, and hearing from Him, and allowing new thoughts and ideas to percolate.

Sometimes conferences aren’t as effective if we let them become too social. Not that there’s anything wrong with friendships, but sometimes you need that prolonged time just to hear from God. That’s why I’ve often been tempted to sign up for a conference all by myself–no friends at all, so that I would have to spend the weekend as a retreat.

But even if you do go with friends, if you center your conversations around what you’ve heard and what God is telling you, it can make such a tremendous difference in your life.

For those of you who aren’t in Alberta, there’s a wonderful conference coming up February 8 and 9 near Toronto: the Full Circle Lead with Love conference. The women from Full Circle on 100 Huntley Street will be hosting the conference, and Kevin Leman will be keynoting. He is such a wonderful speaker (and really funny, too!), with lots of practical wisdom.

The conference will occur over two days, but there is an opportunity to purchase a ticket for just the Friday or Saturday session. Dr. Leman will speak about sex/intimacy and marriage relationships on Friday evening and how to ‘lead with love’ in your family, workplace and in your relationships on

Saturday.

Conference attendees will also receive a bag filled with special gifts, enjoy a chocolate fondue on Friday night, a gourmet lunch on Saturday, and an opportunity to win a free makeover and door prizes. You can learn more here.

If you don’t live near either of those, I’m hoping to start a series of webinars on marriage that you can attend right from your own home (which obviously cuts down the costs substantially). Look for more info about those coming soon! In the meantime, if you could take a quick survey for me to let me know what topics/time/pricing would be best, you can do so here.

The concept of taking a break from your daily routine and listening to God is rooted in Scripture. Paul took an extended leave before he started his ministry to grow closer to God. Jesus often withdrew from the crowds to fill Himself up again. God even designed us for one day of rest–with periodic times throughout the year when there is more extended rest. If your schedule is such that you have no rest, then you’re likely running on empty. Figuring out times to fill up are so important. And what better time than the middle of the winter, when we’re all a little burnt out anyway?

So let us know in the comments: are there great women’s conferences coming to your area? And what do you do to fill up? What special things do you do throughout the year to be challenged in a new way, to hear a new message, to take time just to listen to God?

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Reader Question of the Week: Appropriate Discipline for Teenagers

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question was asked on my Facebook Page with some intriguing discussion:

When disciplining teenage boys say, age 18, what types of punishments to you give when you really mean business??? And do you wives submit to your husbands even though you may not agree with HIS method, whipping for instance? (Spare the rod, spoil the child?)

What do you think? Let’s help her in the comments!

UPDATE: Thanks for all of you who answered already! I thought I’d better chime in soon, though, just to make my views clear. I think whipping is NEVER appropriate, no matter the age. I also think that there are many discipline techniques that are far more effective than spanking, and I am not a big fan of spanking at all, especially for children over 6. I think it CAN be done appropriately, but parents who can spank appropriately are also good enough parents that they can probably figure out alternative consequences that teach the reap/sow principle better.

As for discipling an 18-year-old, it’s too late. Whipping an 18-year-old? That’s assault.

The issue here is not one of submission; it’s how you help your son who is still living under your roof from your husband. And in this case, I’d be encouraging my son to get a place of his own, I think, and getting some others involved, because this is not appropriate.

Perhaps others think I’m being too harsh, but I do think this needs to be said.

UPDATE 2: There’s a giveaway for my book 31 Days to Great Sex going on this weekend over at Marriage for Champions! Enter here.

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Help with Negative Teenagers
Reader Question of the Week: How Has God Made a Difference in Your Marriage?
Reader Question of the Week: Mom needs help with sons!

To Be Or Not To Be: Maybe Parenting is Only Hard Because We Make It So

Can I ask a quick favor before you read today’s post? I’m considering starting some webinars online where I teach on marriage/sex, but I need your feedback on topic/price/time etc. If you have a second, can you fill out this survey for me? Thank you!

This week I wrote a column specifically on Ontario and the teachers’ rotating strikes, and I didn’t think that it applied to all my readers. So I thought I’d reprint one from 2005 that made it into my book, Another Reality Check. I really liked this one! And if you enjoy my columns, make sure not to miss my favourites from the past decade in Another Reality Check.

When I was a kid I hated swimming lessons, and I made sure everyone knew it, including my two little cousins. Whenever their parents tentatively brought up the topic, they fled in horror, certain that there was nothing so vile as the local pool. Yet though I hated the lessons, I took them and became quite a good swimmer. My cousins, however, never did.

For Danielle, the youngest, this caused some difficulties. She is a marathon runner, a wilderness hiker, a canoer and a kayaker. Her life is outdoors. But her front crawl stinks. So now, at the age of 28, she is taking swimming lessons at the Y to make up for her childhood neglect. I gave her a rotten picture of what learning to swim would be like. It just wasn’t worth it. And for a long time she believed me.

Scanning women’s magazines and books, I can’t help but feel that we’re being given the same story about parenting. Almost every article I read has to do with all the difficulties women face. I have to admit I’ve been the author of several such articles, columns, and even books myself. It is difficult to be a mom. But lately I’ve noticed a subtle shift. Instead of the theme, “sometimes it’s hard to be a mom, but you can do it! And boy is it worth it!”, we’re now stopping the sentence after “it’s hard.” End of story.

Newsweek had a major article a few weeks ago about how impossible it was to be a mom today (though I’m not sure our great-grandmothers, who lived without the benefit of convenience stores, take-out, or even washing machines, would feel sorry for us). And now debuting is the book “Perfect Madness: Motherhood in an Age of Anxiety”, which portrays mothers as stressed out, depressed, and close to the breaking point, as if we’re all potential Andrea Yates waiting to kill our children.

When these writers talk about the desperation of motherhood, they lament about how difficult it is to fulfill all the mothering duties: to pull off a birthday party for toddlers where no one throws up; to give kids the proper “neurological stimulation”, including Mozart CDs, flashcards, and foreign language tapes; to make perfectly well-balanced meals that include vegetables that children eat gratefully and politely. Parenthood has become a giant to-do list.

But though parenthood is a lot of work, I wonder if we are concentrating on the wrong kind of work. Parenthood isn’t just do this and do that in a giant contest to see who can produce the best baby. It is also just BE. Be real. Be loving. And, at its most basic, be there. All of these be’s are probably more important than the do’s anyway.

Over the last week I spent time with a dear friend, as her husband died of cancer. He chose to spend his last days at home, away from the impersonal hospital and surrounded by his wife and children. Human touch, and human connection, is what matters. We understand that when it comes to the end. But at the beginning of life we sometimes forget it, as we judge the quality of our motherhood by how much we can get done, rather than by the quality of our relationships. Sometimes just sitting there, doing nothing but cuddling, is worth more than anything else on your list, even if the vacuuming doesn’t get done, or you have to eat cereal and apples for dinner again.

When we use accomplishments as our yardstick, I fear that we turn more and more people off of parenthood. Today’s moms don’t feel adequate unless they can construct a model 747 out of toilet paper tubes and felt. No wonder people are going mad. We just need to be with each other; we don’t necessarily need to accomplish great things. After all, being a loving mom is great enough in and of itself. Danielle eventually got smart enough to ignore me and learn to swim. I hope that today’s media negativism will likewise be ignored, so that we will again discover that “Mommy” really is the nicest word in the English language.



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Two Player Games to Play with Your Husband

At To Love, Honor and Vacuum, we’re all about building marriages!

And this week we’ve been looking at the problems many couples run into because they turn to video games, or other screens, out of habit, instead of doing things together.

So I thought I would write a post on games you can play with your spouse that need only two players!

In the evening, instead of turning to a screen, break out a game. I’m only including ones that require no technology, because I find that when you play a game away from a screen, you also tend to talk more, and thus build your relationship more.

1. Puzzles – $10-$20

They’re actually quite fun! And you can talk while you do them. In fact, we just bought a coffee table just for this purpose. The top of the coffee table is on a mechanism that raises it when you want to do the puzzle, and lowers it when you’re finished.

So you can keep a big puzzle going for a few weeks until you’re finished!

2. Jenga

I love this game! Yes, it’s loud, so it may not be ideal if you’re trying to get school aged kids to sleep. But it can be fun. Who is going to knock it over?

Basically it’s a tower with three blocks per level, with each level rotating 90 degrees. On each turn you have to remove a block from the lower levels and deposit it at the top, creating a higher and higher tower until gravity eventually takes its toll. I like it.

3. Scrabble – $15.50

Remember those episodes of Family Ties where Alex and his dad would play Scrabble til the death, staying up until 3:00 in the morning? My in-laws are like that. Growing up in rural areas they played a ton of Scrabble , and it’s still fun!

4. Upwords – $22.78

A modern variation on Scrabble, this one’s a little easier, because you can get points by putting blocks on top of other ones. So if someone’s already got the word “patch” down, you can change the “p” to a “c” and then add a word in another direction spelling “call”, and get points for both words, if that makes any sense. I find this one easier for children, as well.

5. Yahtzee – $9.99

The famous dice game. You just roll dice and get points for your combinations. If you roll them on a tea towel it’s not that loud, so you can play even when kids are asleep.

6. Dominoes

A classic game available in all kinds of versions! Play the double 9s (or even double 12s) for added challenge. I always loved Dominoes as a kid! And my mother, who hates competitive games, claims that Dominoes is the only one she can play without breaking out into a cold sweat. So it’s a good one when there’s an ultra-competitive spouse and a not-so-competitive spouse. This one doesn’t hurt as many feelings.

6. Backgammon, Chess, Checkers

They’re the old staples for a reason: they’re fun. That’s why they’ve lasted for generations! And it’s really easy to find sets with all three games in it.

7. Boggle – $16.13

I’m dangerous to play Boggle with because I’m just so good. Really. I haven’t had anyone beat me since my Uncle Steve when I was 9. But it’s a fun one, if a loud one (especially if the kids are trying to sleep).

8. Cribbage – $9.99

The best 2-player card game around!

And now for some newer ones you may not be as familiar with:

6. Blokus for two – $24.95

This is one of my favourites! It only takes about 10-12 minutes, but you have tiles of all different shapes, and you have to put them down in a specific way. The first one to get rid of all their tiles (or to get rid of most before you’re both out of possible moves) wins.

We play it as a family (we have a 4-person version), but there’s also this two person version, and I really enjoy it. It’s not for the spatially challenged, mind you, unless you want to increase your spatial skills!

7. Carcassone - $22.99

One of my favourite party games, can be played with up to 6 people, but works fine with 2. It takes about half an hour. Basically you each select a tile on each turn that you place, creating a medieval city with roads and monasteries and farms. It’s hard to explain on a blog, but easy once you see it. I like it when we have people over because it doesn’t take long to explain. And because you create the terrain each time you play, it’s different every time, too! It also has lots of expansions you can buy to turn it into a different, and more complicated, game if you want.

8. Axis & Allies – $31.95

Want something more intense, that requires a lot of strategy? Try Axis & Allies! You recreate World War II, using soldiers, battleships, plans, and tanks. We’ve played this plenty of times together, especially in the early years of our marriage. It doesn’t always work if one person is super-competitive and one isn’t, but if you both enjoy games, you can play one game that will last over a series of nights.

Dominion – $31.21

Here’s a fun game that changes every time you play! The game comes with dozens of different cards, each with different actions and results. But each game you choose only 10 cards, so the flavour of the game is always changing. This can be played with multiple players, too, but it also works with just two. It’s one of our new favourites, and it has several expansions to change the nature of the game as well.

Ticket to Ride – $34.50

Your task is to build a railway connecting two cities. The hardest part? Choosing which routes to keep, and which to turn in. And then getting yours done before your spouse gets his completed! The original Ticket to Ride is North American based, but the expansions are for Europe, India, and Africa. Again, a game that can be played with many more players, but still works with just two. This is another of our big party games for when we have other people over.

Chances are you already have at least some of these games in your games cupboard.

So here’s my challenge to you: why not pick one night of the week (or more, if you’re up to it) which is a “games night” for you and your hubby? Games nights are great for families in general, but they can also be fun just for you as a couple. And the more you play together, the more you laugh together and the more you build relationships. It’s hard to do that in front of a screen. So go for it! Pick a game or two, and start a new tradition.

What games do you enjoy? Let me know in the comments!

This post contains affiliate links.

Related posts:

When We Forget What’s Really Important…
Family Games Nights Rock!
Help! My Husband Plays Video Games All the Time!

Wifey Wednesday: Adults Need Bedtimes, Too!

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a marriage post, and then you all can link up your own below!

I have talked to thousands of couples over the last few years at marriage conferences and at events, and I keep hearing stories about how “we never talk”, or “we never do anything together”, or even, “our sex life is almost non-existent.” And when I start probing and asking questions, I often find a very similar story:

We don’t go to bed at the same time.

I would venture to say that in most homes today, after dinner is over various family members separate to their own screens–either the computer, or the TV, or the video game system.  She may be on her iPad, and he’s playing video games. And eventually somebody gets tired and heads to bed, but the other person doesn’t join them for several hours.

And we wonder why we feel disconnected.

I remember reading the Little House on the Prairie series of books with my kids, and one thing that always struck me was how early everyone got up. Pa was up before the sun to get the farm ready for the day. But the reason he was able to get up that early without an alarm was that he went to bed with the sun, too. Anthropologists estimate that most people, 150 years ago, got about 9 1/2 hours of sleep a night. Turning in at 8:30 or 9 was quite normal.

With the advent of electricity we started staying up later, because we could still be productive even after the sun went down. But I remember as a child that most people still went to bed at 11. When I was in high school most of my friends certainly did, and the reason was simple: all the good TV shows ended at 11. We only had a few channels, after all, and news started to come on at 10. By 11 it was all news, or else boring old movies. So there was nothing really to keep you awake.

But just as electricity pushed bedtimes back, now computers have virtually eliminated them altogether. Because of the internet and video games you can do the exact same thing at 1:30 in the morning as you can do at 8 in the evening. And it sucks us in.

And people, it has to stop.

How are you going to keep a marriage alive if you scatter at night? How can you nurture your marriage if you never have down time just to talk? Keith and I spend a lot of time just chatting at night in bed–or even getting ready for bed. It’s an important ritual, to spend the last few moments of the day holding each other. And I’m not just talking about sex, either. Sure, it’s going to be harder to connect sexually if you’re not in bed at the same time. But it’s harder to connect AT ALL, too.

I get told by many women, “I go to bed at 11, and he follows around 1 or 2. And then he wakes me up because he wants sex.” That’s really difficult.

It used to be that EVERYONE had a bedtime–children did, but their parents did, too. If you needed 8 1/2 hours of sleep, and you had to get up at 6:30, then you went to bed at 10. It was quite simple, and quite civilized.

Let’s get back to that!

I know it’s not possible for everyone when shift work is involved, and I’m not talking about you here. I know that’s a difficult lifestyle, and my husband and I have lived it our whole married life, too. But many people ARE home together at night and they STILL don’t go to bed together.

And let me tell you–people do not sleep well when they turn in right after being on the computer.

When parents are having a hard time getting children to go to sleep at night, what do experts suggest? Setting up a routine so that the child knows what’s coming and has that transition time between daytime and nighttime, so they are able to wind down. Maybe the routine looks like this:

Snack
Bath
Story
Song
Prayers
Kiss good night

On this blog we talk a ton about ways to improve marriage, from finding his love language to spicing up your sex life to learning to accept him. But I think probably one of the most fundamental things that we could do is just to go back to basics and to establish a bedtime routine for you and your husband!

Maybe it looks like this:

Snack (or cup of tea together)
Bath or shower together
Read a chapter of a book or an article together out loud, or a Psalm
Snuggle
Pray
Sleep

Different things lead up to sleep. That’s what makes it a routine–one thing follows another which follows another, which makes you ready for bed.

Right now the only thing bringing some people to bed is that they fall asleep on the couch, and eventually wake up and move.

Not good.

Yesterday I wrote to women whose husbands played video games all night about how to build more relationship time. But one thing I said was that it’s very hard to just tell him, “I want you to stop playing by a certain time”, because that doesn’t seem reasonable when he’s having fun. If, instead, you said something like this: “how much sleep do you think we should get a night?”, and then say, “what’s a reasonable bedtime?” Then work backwards from there. Say, “I’d love to share a cup of herbal tea with you before we turn in every night,” or “I’d love to have a bath to unwind with you every night.” Then you’re giving him something you’d like to DO. And it’s far healthier to establish good sleeping habits when there’s a routine.

In fact, if you really want to pique his attention, try suggesting doing the 31 Days to Great Sex with him! Most men would love to have a more active sex life, and if you could commit to spending that time before bed every night for 31 days doing the reading and the exercise, you may find that you can start a new routine of climbing into bed together that will last far beyond the 31 days.

So talk to your husband about this! And if you’re on Facebook right now when you’re reading this and it’s after midnight, stop it. Get off. Get to bed. You need your sleep. He needs his sleep. You need your together time. Get a bedtime routine. Our ancestors did it, and they were far more productive and well rested and well rounded than we are!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up a marriage post in the Linky below! And be sure to share the Wifey Wednesday link on your blog, too, so that others can come here to find great marriage posts.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Separate Bedrooms?
Wifey Wednesday: Beautifully Imperfect
Wifey Wednesday: Get Some Sleep

My Husband Plays Video Games Too Much Part 2

This morning I published a post on video games, and after reading it some more and listening to the commenters I don’t like it. I tried to write an update, but I had too much I wanted to say, so I thought that I’d just write a new post.

For background, please go read the first post. Then come back.

Did you read it? Good. Now let’s continue.

I just don’t think I said properly what I was trying to say, and so I’d like to take another stab at it.

1. You Are Not Helpless

Seriously. I see so many women upset about their husbands playing video games, but they never DO anything about it.

And quite often I see Christian advice telling women not to say anything, and not to criticize, and he will come back.

The problem is that sometimes that works. But when it does, I don’t think it works because the woman did nothing; I think it works because God was working on the guy anyway, and so he came back, and then we say, “he came back BECAUSE I just loved him through it.” No, he probably would have come back anyway. And so I’d rather give what I believe is helpful Christian advice.

And here’s what I’d say: you aren’t helpless. If he’s on video games all the time, you don’t have to put up with it.

That doesn’t mean you become his conscience by nagging all the time, saying, “you’ve been on for 2 hours. Think what else you could have done in those two hours.” It doesn’t mean you stomp around the house and sigh and fuss. But it does mean that you can take some action. What should that action be?

2. Confront

Tell him how you feel. Say things like, “When you’re on video games all the time, I feel as if you don’t really want to be with me.” “When you say that you ‘unwind’ by playing video games, then what you’re saying is that you don’t find being with me relaxing. How would you feel if I decided to unwind by spending four hours ignoring you but talking to other people online everyday?” Or you can say, “I believe that God made you for a purpose. He made our family for a purpose. He wants us to be a light in this world. But video games are eating up so much of your time that we aren’t able to shine anywhere. Is this how you think you want to spend the a huge chunk of your life?”

These things are fine, legitimate, and good to say. On the other hand, calling him lazy or childish, or yelling at him, or accusing him of not loving you, or checking in on the time every so often isn’t helpful.

And saying those legitimate things when you’re angry and spitting them at him isn’t helpful, either.

So confront, yes. Nag, no. Be manipulative, no. Just be out in the open with how you feel. Own your feelings. Tell him what you think. Tell him what you’re scared of.

3. Fill Your Lives with Other Things

I truly think that people discount the value of this. It is awfully hard to be on video games all the time if you’re also helping out with the junior high at church. It’s hard to be on video games all the time if you’re taking a walk every night after dinner. It’s hard to be on video games all the time if you DO things.

One commenter on the earlier post said that they make it a habit to have her husband chauffeur the kids to lessons, because it gets him out of the house and away from the temptation. Great idea!

Here’s something else that works: have people over for dinner. Really.

If you invite another family for dinner, your husband is not going to play video games all night. He’s going to talk. And bring a board game out so that the four of you can all play a game after you’re finished eating.

Look, when someone is trying to quit alcohol, what’s the one thing they can’t do? They can’t have nothing to do for long periods of time. They can’t just sit at home. So they DO things. They go to meetings. They start volunteering. They get out of the house or away from the places and situations where they would normally game.

So DO stuff. I don’t care what stuff, but start arranging the calendar. Ask him where he wants to be involved in church, and start doing it. Ask people over for dinner and start playing board games.

But sitting back and telling him, “I want you to quit games” without also changing your life so that there’s something to replace it won’t work. You have to have something else to fill that hole so that he doesn’t feel the absence of them anymore.

This is what I was trying to say in my earlier post, but I didn’t say it firmly enough, so I want to make this very clear: you are not powerless. You can pick up a phone and ask friends to come over. You can talk to him about being involved in church. You don’t have to sit back and wait for him to change, hoping that prayer is all it takes.

God asks us to pray, but He has also already given you tools. And too often we women don’t use them because we don’t think that’s our role. We shouldn’t be “telling” our husbands what to do.

Well, we certainly shouldn’t be nagging them. We shouldn’t be their conscience, keeping tabs on them. But your husband is a child of God. And part of being in God’s family is that we confront and we try to help people avoid sin. And one way of avoiding a video game addiction is to have other things on your plate.

Honestly, what I’ve seen in so many families is that once the husband starts doing more things outside of the house that he enjoys, he starts to see on his own that video games were wasting his life.

4. Distinguish Between an Addiction and a Habit

Many guys play video games out of habit; they’re bored, so they play them, but they’ll do other things if the opportunity presents itself. These guys aren’t really addicted, and there’s nothing wrong with playing the occasional game, any more than there’s anything wrong with spending time on Pinterest. I have seen many women complain to no end about their husbands being “addicted” to video games when all they mean is that he plays for an hour or two on a Saturday morning when she wants him helping with the kids. That’s not right, either, but let’s be careful that we don’t name something an addiction when it’s not. It doesn’t help the marriage, and it makes him sound way worse than he is.

But when video games do migrate into the realm of addiction, where husbands play even when they don’t want to because it’s a compulsion, and they get withdrawal symptoms, then you have a much bigger problem. You may likely need outside help. So go to your church. Ask a friend or mentor to pray. Maybe even ask a mentor couple to talk to your husband with you.

A habit is easily broken; an addiction not so easily. But you must try. Sitting back and doing nothing isn’t the Christian, loving thing to do when we see a Christian brother going down a bad road.

I hope that clears things up. I wish I had written this one first, because it is how I really feel. I don’t think I expressed myself well earlier. Thanks for reading this update!

Related posts:

Help! My Husband Plays Video Games All the Time!
Reader Question of the Week: Video Games are Stealing My Husband
Wifey Wednesday: When Technology Steals Your Marriage