Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 247

Evgie Wall Decals Giveaway

Monkeys!

Today I’m got a special treat for you! I know so many of you have little ones at home, and I’ve got a chance for you to win $60 towards redoing your child’s room in these gorgeous designs.

Evgie and Ev from Evgie.com are real gals with passion and expertise in digital illustration, interior decoration and wall decals design. And they’ve created a whole collection of wall decals that you can put on your walls–and easily remove again–without messing up the paint. No more painting murals that you’re stuck with forever. Now you can decorate your child’s room as they like it, just for today.

Today they are giving away a $60 coupon to one of YOU!  Here’s what you need to do:

1) Go to Evgie.com and find your favorite products.  (Like Outer Space Wall decals, for instance)

2) Share them on facebook, twitter and/or pinterest.

3) THEN, come back and leave a comment, saying which product you liked!

That’s all!

20% Off in February for all packages (even overseas) Free shipping if it is over $150. Every package has freebies.

Monkeys, Zebras, Lions, Oh, my!

A few words About Evgie & Ev:

They write:

“Each of us liked drawing very much since childhood, so much so that it became our profession. With vinyl wall decals being the latest trend in home decor it was the perfect field to dive into. The warm response to our illustrations and design work eventually allowed us to set up a wall decal studio. Our constant personal engagement with the home and interior décor field led us to this venture.

Decals are easy to apply, easy to remove, easy to tailor to a specific wall or surface – we offer handmade large and small vinyl wall stickers with our designs and ideas for kids’ and grown-up’s rooms.

Elephants and Monkeys!

We start with an idea, a pencil and blank paper and then render our designs digitally for vinyl cutting. We view walls as backgrounds for living. We have started this decal studio in 2010 and pretty soon it became our full time job and engagement. It is a pleasure to get your feedback and one of the most enjoyable things is to see our decals on your wall or that of your toddler, in your nursery or living room. We also know that it is really fun to put our wall decals design on the wall, even if it take some time and a very little skill, this itself makes this product so attractive. If you decide to go with the whole wall decals theme you won’t regret it. It changes your walls, your space and places your little one in a world surrounded by a jungle or safari, forest or just friendly animals.”

Outer Space

And they don’t just have nursery wall decals. They have lots more–including wall decals for grown ups! (I think this one is stunning). Head on over, look around, tweet or pin one that you like, and then come back here and tell us about it! And one person will win $60 towards their order. I’ll do the draw Saturday, February 23 at 11:59 p.m. (or thereabouts ). One comment will win.

Remember, it’s 20% off in the month of February. So check it out, pin or Facebook the one you like, and come back here and tell me what you did (and what one you liked!).  Happy hunting!

No related posts.

Praying the Right Thing for Your Husband

Many of us have long weekends this weekend, and so I thought I would just leave you with a thought, and a round-up of other posts that speak to that thought.

One of the biggest things that we can learn in marriage is that we can’t change someone else; we can only ever change ourselves, and how we react to things. And as we start to realize that–that our job is to focus on ourselves–it becomes easier to give our husbands over to God.

What our husbands really need is to become the men that God wants them to be, not that man that we want them to be. After all, we don’t know what is coming down the line. We don’t know what God has to prepare him for. And quite often our impulse about what we want from our husbands isn’t always 100% correct either, because we ourselves have unrealistic expectations, and can’t see with God’s eyes.

So today, let’s focus on praying that God will help your husband to listen to Him, to learn form Him, to be transformed to look like Jesus (Romans 8:29).

And here are some posts that speak to that in specific ways:

Posts on this General Theme:

Revive Your Attitude: How to Let Go of Expectations

Marital Success if a Matter of Attitude

The Right Attitude for Improving a Marriage

The Root of Marriage Problems–Selfishness

When Conflicts Don’t End

How Do Marriages Change?

Are You a Spouse or an Enabler? (sometimes praying for God’s will in your husband’s life also requires you to take concrete steps when significant sin is involved)

Help for Those in Hurting Marriages



Posts on Specific Areas of Conflict:



When You Disagree About Parenting

Help! My Husband is Gross (about personal hygiene)

Books That Can Help:

To Love, Honor and Vacuum (my book on how to change you, not him)

Power of a Praying Wife

Praying God’s Word for Your Husband

Have a wonderful long weekend, for those who get one! And for everyone else, have a great Monday!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Praying with Your Husband
I’m at a Marriage Conference!
A Weekend to Remember

Reader Question of the Week: Separate Lives

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question comes from a reader, who wants to bring her family together:

I feel like my whole family is just a bunch of individuals under the same roof. We all do our separate things–the kids have their friends and their activities, and my husband has his friends and his activities. My husband is always on the TV or on his computer (I don’t let the kids have computers, and they’re too young anyway), but we don’t feel like a family. I feel like I do everything and no one helps, and then everybody spends time in their own rooms. My kids (they’re in grades 2 & 4 & 7) don’t even like to play together. How do you change things so you feel like a family unit?

What do you think? How can she encourage the shift her family from separate into a unit?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: How Do I Prevent My Teenage Sons from Using Porn?
Reader Question of the Week: Mom needs help with sons!
Reader Question of the Week: Is it Trust or Accountability?

Asking for Help

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s is about asking for help, even when we think, “I’ve got this!”

Apparently I value my life at twenty U.S. dollars. At least, that’s what I tipped the Mexican guy who saved me from drowning last week.

My daughter and I were vacationing in Cozumel, eager for some wonderful snorkeling. And while two of our excursions were highly successful, on one particular day we decided to snorkel right off the beach in front of a popular restaurant. The reef was teeming with life, but unfortunately the current was surprisingly strong. We had no problem swimming out, but when we tried to swim back to the dock, we kept veering to the right.

Within a few minutes a Mexican guy had swum out to us with a flutterboard, but I refused it. I’m a good swimmer. I can tread water for hours. I’ve finished swims that were several kilometres long. When the flutterboard was proffered, I was so embarrassed. “I should be able to do this,” I kept thinking. “Oh, come on, Sheila. This is ridiculous. Just swim harder.”

My daughter, who is a lifeguard, found it challenging, though she managed to reach the ladder. But though I got within about twenty feet of it, I couldn’t get any closer. All I was doing was standing still. So finally I reached out, grabbed that board, and was pulled in.

Looking back I’m not sure why I was so stubborn. I guess I just didn’t want to accept the fact that I needed help. I considered myself a competent, if not good, swimmer. If I took help, it was as if I would be admitting that I am not as in control as I think I am.

I wonder how often in my personal life I’ve done the same thing—I like to think of myself as in control, and accepting help is admitting weakness. None of us wants to think we are weak. Often we’d rather have the frustration of butting our heads against a wall rather than give in to the fear of being vulnerable.

No wonder so many of us are spending our lives treading water. Maybe debt is piling up and we honestly have no idea how to create a budget. But mature people know how to stick to a budget! Admitting you have a problem is like saying you’re not mature. So the red ink keeps getting redder.

Or perhaps that pain is getting worse, but we don’t want to go to a doctor because we hate hospitals, and we’re too young to start falling apart. Maybe the principal keeps calling reporting more problems with a wayward child, but you don’t want to admit that something’s really wrong because it could reflect badly on choices you’ve made. And so you lash out at the messenger.

My husband and I speak at marriage conferences, and while I love sharing our failures and victories, the conferences always make me a little sad. There are two types of couples who go: those who can’t keep their hands off of each other, because they’re blissfully happy and want to make sure it stays that way, and those who are about to file for divorce and are giving it one last chance. I always wonder about the middle: those who have a few issues that a little help could easily remedy, but who don’t want to admit they may have problems. And so they wait until everything blows up.

We aren’t meant to walk through this life alone. Certainly many of us just need to get more disciplined and try harder and we’d be more successful. But sometimes discipline won’t cut it. Sometimes you need help. And in that case, it’s far better to grab that flutterboard and let the hunky Mexican guy save you.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Related posts:

That One Perfect Person
Why Can’t He Be More Like Me? Book Review
Wifey Wednesday: Are You a Spouse or an Enabler?

Nurture Your Marriage this Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day everybody!

I know some of you are so excited. You’ve bought the gift, you’re planning the dinner, and everything will be perfect.

And some of you are just in a funk. Your relationship isn’t going well right now, and how can you pretend to be all lovey-dovey when you’re not? They say that Valentine’s Day is hardest for single people, but I’m not sure that’s true. I think sometimes it’s hardest for those who are married but struggling.

I’d just say to those of you who are sad today, try to love anyway. I know it’s hard, but sometimes that can be the first step in a longer journey towards wholeness.

And if that’s what you’re looking for, here are three opportunities to build your marriage:

1. WifeSOS conference–TODAY!

I’m joining my friend Marnie as she hosts this WifeSOS event. It’s so much fun! You can listen free on the internet (or by phone), and it’s four hours of amazing mentoring from some of my favourite women. And interspersed there will be some great worship leaders and some chances to win books (including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex)!

I’ll be speaking about sex in marriage, so if you’ve ever wanted to actually hear my voice, and not just read my words, now’s the time! Pam Farrel, of Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti, fame is up first (Pam also wrote the foreword to my book)! Vicki Tiede, who was featured on this blog a while back talking about how to handle it when you discover your husband is using pornography, will be there, as will Kathi Lipp, who is such a funny woman and who will be talking about how to pray God’s word for your husband.

And did I say it’s FREE?

It’s Free.

So head on over and sign up to get the invite!

2. A Day Together Marriage Day

Live in Alberta? I just want to do a shout out for the Day Together . Put on by FamilyLife and held at Cross Pointe church in Calgary on March 2, it’s a wonderful day to renew your marriage.

And if you’re still looking for that perfect Valentines gift for your spouse, check out the Valentines promotion for A Day Together!  If you register by February 14, 2013, and enter “win romance” in the other category of the “how did you hear about this conference” question, you will be entered to WIN a ROMANCE Package including dinner at Earls Restaraunt, and the book “Love That Lasts” by Mike Woodard.  Only until Valentines Day!

Once you have registered, you can increase your chances of winning.  Just share this promotion with your friends and when they register tell them to put your name in the “other” category of the “how did you hear about this conference” question, and you will both be entered in the draw. It’s that easy!

3. Win a whole FamilyLife Canada conference!

Finally, if you want more than just a Day Together, you can win an entire Weekend to Remember conference–lodging included! This is an awesome deal, and since Keith and I speak at quite a few of them, you may even get us!

You have until February 25 to upload a photo–and it’s super easy to do! Need a “fabulous” family photo? Here’s one of my favourites from some friends of mine:

Just do something funny like that! Or take a look through Pinterest for some ideas (and follow me while you’re there!).

Weekend to Remember is held in Canada every year in the Maritimes (usually Fredericton or Halifax), in Niagara Falls, in Barrie, in Whistler, in Victoria, and in Banff. What an awesome getaway!

And now, my friends, I just want to wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day. May your heart be softened towards your spouse. May God give you gratitude and love for your whole family. May God work on your hearts so that you will forever be connected so intimately that nothing can come between you. Where there are big problems, remember that God is still bigger. Where there is heartache, remember that Jesus has seen it all. And may we fall more in love with God and become the people that He wants us to be, which will also make us the wives (and husbands) that we want to be, too!

(Oh, and do join me today for the WifeSOS event! Even if you can only catch part of it.)

My thanks to the Bandy family for this awesome picture, which I’m going to use in a contest of my own soon. The older girl, the one with the awesome expression on her face, is a good friend of my oldest daughter. The middle girl, on the furthest left, is a good friend of my youngest daughter. I think this is super!

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Sexless Marriage
Revive Your Marriage: Revive Your Sex Life
Marriage Problems: Is Marriage Counselling the Answer?

Wifey Wednesday: A Valentine’s Day He’ll Love

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up your own posts below!

Valentine’s Day. It’s thought of as a woman’s holiday. The guy is supposed to get the flowers and the chocolates and woo her. But let’s face it, ladies: our husbands deserve to be romanced, too!

Now, maybe you don’t really do Valentine’s Day. I’ve heard some people say, “it’s just a commercial holiday to get people to spend money”, and I totally agree. It is based on commercialism. But at the same time, our marriages can always stand a little more expressions of love, and taking the one day a year when you’re supposed to say “I love you” and actually putting a little effort into showing him that doesn’t seem outrageous to me. And it doesn’t have to cost money, either!

You can make a great dinner that he’ll love. You can make a list of all the things you love about him. You can give HIM a massage for a change!

So today I thought I’d share some big picture ideas for Valentine’s Day, and then ask you all to brainstorm with me and share in the comments what you are planning on doing to make your husband feel loved.

Let’s look at the different approaches:

1. The Masculine Approach

One woman read my column last week about how we women think that we’re the only ones who are romantic, but that’s often because we think HE should understand US, but we don’t bother to understand HIM. She took it to heart and answered in the comments that she bought her husband tickets to a hockey game for Valentine’s Day! She doesn’t like hockey, but she’ll go with him because she loves him.

I like that idea: getting him something that he’d love, and then going with him. Maybe you buy his and hers fishing poles. Or maybe just the ‘hers’ with a note promising to go with him (note: some guys actually like time on their own, so make sure you wouldn’t be intruding on his solitary time!).

To me, the key to Valentine’s Day is to buy something that will ENHANCE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, not just a gift. This isn’t Christmas. So buy something you can do together.

If money is an issue, why not plan a day together doing things he’d like, and then give him the itinerary? Maybe you pack a picnic lunch, and then you go hiking for the day. Maybe you plan to play tennis at one of the public tennis courts this spring. Try to think of something he’d actually like to do.

2. The Love Approach

Or, you could focus on showing him how much you love him. Make a list of “99 Things I Love About You”. Write out a prayer that you pray for him to become mighty in God.

Plan a treasure hunt throughout your house where you hide hearts, and on each you write something else you love about him. (I did this when we were dating!)

Make him an amazing dinner of all the foods he’d love, and tell  him this is “his night”.

3. The Sex Approach

Or, you can always go for sex. That’s many men’s main request anyway. Buy some new lingerie, or, if you don’t want to spend money, give him an invitation to a lingerie fashion show after the kids are in bed, and show him what you already own but don’t wear very much.

Give him a timer all wrapped up with a bow, and tell him to set the timer for twenty minutes. In those twenty minutes he’s not allowed to move, but you’re going to make him feel wonderful.

Buy him the 31 Days to Great Sex (remember if you buy it now you’ll also get two free ebooks–the Intimacy Challenge for Wives and the Intimacy Challenge for Husbands, graciously donated by Surrendered Marriage).

So there are some ideas–some cost money, but others don’t have to. The main idea is to let him know: I love you. I think about you. I’m glad I’m married to you. I want you to feel special.

What else can you do? Let me know in the comments, and then other women reading this can figure out some ideas for their wives!

And husbands, if you’re reading this, one thing your wife would love is just coupons to sleep in on a Saturday, for a date night of her choice, to look after the kids one afternoon, etc. When I asked women on Facebook, what’s your favourite gift to receive?, that’s what they said! And I have some downloadable ones here.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Or what are you planning for Valentine’s Day? Link up a marriage post in the linky below by pasting the URL. And remember to link back here so people can read other great marriage posts!

Related posts:

The Valentine’s Day Fuss
Wifey Wednesday: Knowing His Love Language
Wifey Wednesday: How to Awaken Love…

Marriage Ministry, Winter Winds, and a Special Offer!

The wind is howling today, and yet I am cuddled up in my housecoat, beside a fire, going through last night’s emails and pondering my ministry.

I’ve had a lot of “big” posts lately–on conflict, submission, porn, etc. And I thought it might be time to give you a little more of a window into my life, and share some things on my heart.

This morning I’ve just been reflecting on what it means to be in marriage ministry. I started writing this blog in 2008, and it grew slowly but steadily until around a year ago, when I really started to get noticed. I think it was during the whole 29 Days to Great Sex series that more and more people starting arriving here–and, to my surprise, more men. I had always thought of myself as a woman’s blogger, but I’ve realized that about 1/4 of my commenters are male. I’m happy for that–welcome! I’m thinking that perhaps I should change the pink in the blog, though, and make it more friendly to the men who show up. So that’s on my to do list!

It’s difficult to come up with a new post almost everyday, especially when I’ve already written on so many. Often I get commenters saying, “You used to say X a lot more, but I haven’t seen any posts on X in a while.” I know that can seem like I’m changing my emphasis or my mind, but often it’s simply because I feel like I’ve said a TON on X, and I don’t want to rehash it all. So if you feel like I don’t say enough about something I’ve said in the past, please realize that it’s probably because I don’t feel that I can write the same post over and over again, especially if those posts have already been pinned and shared a lot. Trust me–they are being read. I just want to write new stuff, as well!

Another issue that plenty of people have brought up is the comment section. Sometimes I’ll comment a ton on a post–I happen to be sitting at my computer writing all day, so when comments appear, I’ll often respond. I’m very active in the comments section.

But other times I don’t. That doesn’t mean that I’m ignoring you or that I don’t like you; it simply means that sometimes I have to go grocery shopping, or I have to chauffeur my kids places, or I’ve got a packed schedule, and I’m not at my computer. I know last week there was a lot of consternation that I wasn’t responding to the debate in the comments section, but I was on vacation with very little internet access. So I’d just ask you to show me grace there. If I’m home, at the computer, I usually respond to comments. If I don’t, it’s probably because I’m not there. If I need to chime in, and I’m able to, I always do. If I don’t chime in, it’s because I’m on a plane going to a speaking engagement, or I’m spending time with my family.

Blogging is a weird relationship; in many ways I feel like I know many of my commenters, and many of you feel like you know me, and to a large extent you do. But let me just give you a little glimpse into what it’s like blogging like this.

I have to delete about 10 comments a day of links coming from really negative sites making fun of what I write.

I have to delete about 60 comments a day of disgusting people saying totally rude things. It can wear on you.

Other marriage bloggers that I know (we email each other) actually get disgusting pictures emailed to them.

This is a rough ministry!

I also get emails–quite a few–from people looking for advice. I would honestly love to help you, but I just don’t have time to answer all the emails that come in, and I also feel a little unequipped to do so. I’m not a counselor; I’m an author. So usually I just pray over them and then direct them to posts I’ve written on the subject. So please forgive me if you’ve written an email and I haven’t responded yet. I have another backlog, and it’s really difficult.

I spend about 3 hours on this blog and my newsletters and emails, etc., everyday. And this honestly is a ministry–I don’t get paid. I do sell ads from time to time, but these ads basically allow me to hire an assistant to do some of the work for me, so I don’t really see that money.

So why do I do it? Because I honestly do want to help marriages, and I really do enjoy getting to know all of you.

And so, on this blog, I will always offer good information for free. I really will. I love this community, and I think this is the best way to talk to people who are hurting.

But at the same time, for those who want to go deeper, there is more available. I’ve got the books I’ve already written, and I’m working on some more ebooks. And I’ll be bringing a webinar series to you soon, I hope! I’ve teamed up with someone who will do all the organizing and administration, so I’ll be able to do some in-depth teaching.

I will be charging for that, simply because I can’t do this totally free, because it has costs associated with it. I get a lot of emails from people saying that I shouldn’t be selling my ebooks, or that anything I do should be for free, because people shouldn’t charge for talking about God’s word. I just want you all to understand is how much time this takes. It really is a full-time job for me. The blog is three hours; then I have writing and speaking on top of that. I’m looking at a 6 or 7 hour day now. And I’m not looking to get rich–I just want to be able to have the time and freedom to create more in-depth products, and that means charging for them. I can’t work 7 hours a day for free, and I have to make my costs back. Even missionaries get paid!

I hope you all understand, because I’m so excited about the webinar that’s coming!

One last thing–I know a ton of you have bought 31 Days to Great Sex, and you’ve loved it. Thank you so much, and especially to those who sent words of encouragement to me afterwards!

But I know a lot of you read this blog everyday, but you haven’t bought it.

Look, if you like the blog, you will LOVE it! It’s like it combines all my themes–how to experience spiritual intimacy, emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy in marriage, altogether. And that’s what makes sex stupendous! Yes, I did the 29 Days to Great Sex, but I rewrote almost the whole thing for this ebook to make it more cohesive and more useful.

And so I’m talking to those of you who haven’t bought it yet. Valentine’s Day is coming. And it will make a GREAT gift for your spouse! You’re committing to talk and to be intimate for 31 days straight. That doesn’t mean you have sex everyday; it does mean that you work on your relationship and you feel closer and you get a chance to talk about some of the things that you’ve been scared to bring up. It’s so freeing!

And if you buy it now, before Valentine’s Day, I’m also including two EXTRA ebooks from Scott from Surrendered Marriage–a guide to intimacy for her and a guide to intimacy for him–absolutely free.

You get everything for just $4.99–and they’re so good!

Buy it in .pdf form (that you can read on a computer, ereader, or print out)

Buy it on Kindle

Buy on Nook

Many of you have been tempted, but you’ve never bought it. There will never be a better time!

So thanks, everyone, for sticking with me on this blog. I’ve got lots more coming! And I hope you all understand my heart a little bit better now. I will always be here to blog. I really do appreciate all of you. And I pray that my words will help strengthen marriages.

And please pray for me, because honestly, the emails I get are heartbreaking, and the comments that I delete are awfully discouraging. Many days this feels like a slog. I find the hardest part just reading through the struggles that so many of you have, both in the comments and on Facebook and email. My heart breaks for so many of you. I wish I could help more. So please, if you think of it, pray for me, that God will strengthen me and give me JOY in the ministry. Thank you.

UPDATE: I just realized I should have explained the special bonuses better! If you buy the .pdf of 31 Days from me, I’ll send them to you automatically. If you buy it on Nook or Kobo or Kindle, just email me the receipt and I’ll get them to you!

Related posts:

Special Offer, Neat Links, and more Fun Friday Stuff!
Why Your Husband Wants You to Read this Marriage Blog

What Is Real Intimacy?

Today I’m the blog stop on the Fulfilling Your Vows Valentine’s Day blog tour! Welcome, everybody!

I met my husband while I was in university. We became best friends quite quickly and were soon spending all our time together, telling each other everything. It was wonderful.

About a year and a half into that friendship I realized that I actually liked him “that way”. And soon after we started dating. Again, I told him everything. We could sit for hours and just talk–about important stuff, about not so important stuff, about anything.

When we got married I believed that’s what intimacy was–that ability to talk about anything, and still feel as if the other person heard you. But somehow over the course of the first few years of our marriage we lost that. When you’re friends, it’s easy to feel intimacy because you don’t have expectations on the person in the same way, and so it’s harder for them to let you down. It’s easier to feel, “we’re total soul mates”.

But in marriage, expectations come to play. Maybe you have different ideas of who will do the dishes, or of how hard both of you will work outside the home, or of how much you’ll make love.

And these things take a long time sorting out when we get married. Quite often couples never do entirely sort them out.

When we’d have a particularly bad time in our marriage, I often would think back to those dating days, and wish that I could get back to “real intimacy”. If only we could just talk for hours again, we’d feel close.

I now realize that I was wrong.

Talking and sharing your heart is a wonderful PART of intimacy, but it is only a part. And in marriage, it isn’t enough.

In marriage, intimacy involves making love. I think sometimes we women pigeonhole sex into being something that he “needs” biologically, and so we sort of look down on sex, like it’s a baser thing, while talking is a higher thing. But perhaps that comes from a misunderstanding about sex.

We tend to think that sex is all about the physical–it’s about getting release, and doing so in as pleasurable a way as possible. So sex is only about pleasure.

But it’s so much more than that! The way that God made it requires deeper and deeper levels of intimacy to make it wonderful. We’re naked together, which is intimate. In order to relax and really let go and feel good, we have to become vulnerable. We have to tell him what we like, and we have to literally and figuratively let him in. Literally because that’s how sex works, and figuratively because for women, sex is mostly in our heads. We can’t get aroused unless we DECIDE that we’re going to enjoy it. For us it’s largely a mental experience. And that means that we need to make the decision to embrace him–that we’re not just going to “lie there”, but we’re actually going to have a good time.

Making love, the way that God designed, truly is intimate.

And when we don’t make love, or when we only make love rarely, intimacy in our marriage is hindered. We feel more distant. We feel like there’s something wrong. We long to talk, but somehow it never quite brings that heart connection that we want. And when we feel distant, we often start snapping at him, because we don’t want to feel guilty about it. So we tend to frame him as the one in the wrong. It’s a vicious circle.

Intimacy, when you’re married, isn’t only about talking and feeling like best friends. It’s about sharing something with your spouse that you don’t share with anybody else. It’s letting him in. It’s laughing together. And it’s also feeling that deep hunger for each other. Somewhat ironically, when we feel that way, we’re often more drawn to pray together, because we’ve already become vulnerable with each other. We’ve let down all the pretenses. That’s also why when we pray together first, it often makes sex even more intense.

When we’re married, intimacy encompasses all of that–your body, your heart, your mind. And it’s a truly beautiful thing.

Maybe you don’t have that. Perhaps sex has always been difficult for you because you’re an abuse survivor, or because you did things before you’re married that you’re not proud of. Maybe he’s the one with no libido, and you feel really alone. Maybe sex has just fallen off your radar screen because you’re so busy and so tired and everyone’s hanging off of you all day already. And maybe you just feel really distant from your husband.

I’m not saying that getting your sex life right will fix all of these problems. I know that some things are far more deep seated. But I also know that when we are connecting physically, it makes it so much easier to tackle some of the other problems in our marriage–communication, finances, parenting techniques, whatever.

Often we women think that we need to get those things sorted out first before we can have a great sex life. Those are the things holding us back. Or we figure we need to create this super close friendship again first. That’s natural, because in general, women need to feel loved to want to make love. But can I make a suggestion? Understand that it works the other way for him: men need to make love to feel loved. And if you concentrate on loving him that way, and becoming more vulnerable, and more selfless, it’s quite likely that he’ll also feel closer to you in other areas of your marriage, too.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. I don’t know where you are in your marriage today; maybe you’re angry, or resentful, or just lonely. Maybe you just feel blah. But try to focus on doing what you can to feel more intimate in every way–including in the bedroom. And if you do prioritize the bedroom, you just may find that a lot of these other problems are much more easily solved.

When I started doing that in my marriage, I suddenly got my best friend back again. And now, whenever we start to feel distant, I often find that before we really talk about why, we need to make love. It increases the goodwill between us so that we can tackle these problems.

So don’t think that your marriage would be better if only he’d become your best friend again. Instead, focus on how to be his lover, and you just may find you have your best friend, too.

If you don’t know where to start, try my 31 Days to Great Sex ebook. It’s only $5, and it comes with coupons you can give him to announce it for Valentine’s Day. It’s not like it’s “31 different ways to have sex”–though there is some in there about how to spice things up. Instead, it’s about how to connect more emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and how to talk about this area of your life, so that you become so much closer. Find out more here.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Now, remember to head on over to Fulfilling Your Vows to enter the Valentine’s Day giveaway, and be part of the bigger blog tour!

Related posts:

The Valentine’s Day Fuss
29 Days to Great Sex Day 28: Is Selfishness Undermining Intimacy?
29 Days to Great Sex Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy While You Make Love

Reader Question of the Week: Family Time

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question comes from a woman asking for your input in her family time situation:

I work full-time now and my husband stays home with the kids. When I get home, he immediately wants to head out to spend time with his buddies. He’s tired of being around the kids all day. So he’s out almost every night. I think that we should be a family and do family things. What do I do to get him to understand this?

What do you think? How can she communicate this?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Respect the Line, Please
Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
Reader Question of the Week: Ready for the Wedding Night

Romantic Radar Guns

Can I ask a quick favor before you read today’s post? I’m considering starting some webinars online where I teach on marriage/sex, but I need your feedback on topic/price/time etc. If you have a second, can you fill out this survey for me? Thank you!

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s is a reprint about romance that I know you will enjoy!

Valentine’s Day is approaching, posing a challenge for everyone from Grade 3 boys trying to figure out if they have to buy cards for the girls in their class to lonely adults reaching for the Haagen Dazs. Today, though, I’d like to spend some time talking to women who are waiting with bated breath for the men in our lives to mess up.

I am a big fan of chocolate truffles. But after being unable to lose that last ten pounds of baby weight, I became self-conscious. That was also the year that my husband decided to celebrate Valentine’s Day all year long. Each month he bought me flowers. At first I was pleased, though a tad disappointed a chocolate box didn’t accompany them.

He attributed my discomfort to the wrong blooms. The bouquets became more elaborate as I became grumpier and grumpier about his choice of gift. Finally, in July, I burst out, “You think I’m fat, don’t you?!” My poor husband didn’t know what hit him.

Perhaps you’re thinking I know nothing about pathetic husbands since yours can’t tell the difference between a rose and a carnation. But isn’t that the point? Police have speed radar guns, but I think we women have romantic radar guns. We’re holding them up to our men, just waiting for them to cross that line so that we can retain our status as The Good One in the relationship.

Are we women really the romantic experts we think we are? I’m not so sure. I think we are simply experts in women, rather than in romance. But we believe that our version of romance is the correct one.

Romance is simply showing the other person that you value them for who they are—not just what they can do for you. But if romance is demonstrating that we value the other person, then there must be a Male Romantic Code in the same way that there’s a Female Romantic Code. Most married women, of course, assume that they have deciphered that particular code long ago: it’s three letters long and—well, you know the rest. But most men need far more than that—though those three letters sure don’t hurt—and if we women can’t see it, perhaps we’re not as romantic as we think we are.

We live in a culture which assumes that men are dense while women are insightful, morally superior, and selfless. We know romance; they know sports. And with these stereotypes floating in the very air we breathe, it’s easy for women to feel as if we are the relationship experts, and thus we have nothing to learn and everything to teach.

Yet while we women may yearn to be romantically pursued, that’s awfully hard to accomplish if we’ve made sure that our men, instead of feeling like knights in shining armour, feel more like captured vassals who need to be locked up in the Tower until they repent.

This Valentine’s Day, instead of asking what he is—or isn’t—doing for you, why not ask what you can do for him?

Could you cook him a romantic dinner, but instead of focusing on your arugula salad and low-fat crab quiche, could you prepare ribs and mashed potatoes by candlelight? Could you buy tickets to a hockey game to watch together? Could you watch a war movie with him? Can you show him that you value his interests, his time, and his opinion, and don’t think that your way is automatically the right one? Now that’s the language of romance, and I think it’s time we women learned to speak it.

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Related posts:

The Valentine’s Day Fuss
Wifey Wednesday: Don’t Compare Your Man
Can I Have This Dance?