Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 248

My Daughter’s 18th Birthday Trip

Hi everyone!

Sorry I’ve been so quiet in the comments for the last week! I’m just back from Mexico, where I’ve been for a week with my 18-year-old daughter, celebrating her birthday. I wrote about her trip last week in my column, and about how it feels to have an adult daughter!

We had a lovely time. I think I read about 10 books (I totally love my Kindle!). It was heavenly. And it reconfirmed in me that I do want to write novels. I have three in my head that I just must get down on paper sometime soon.

Becca read a ton, too:

And we went snorkeling!

A few thoughts:

It’s strange being the one passed over, because people are noticing your daughter. It’s not a bad strange, it’s just different. She is lovely, and I think she had three marriage proposals (as well as other proposals that were not nearly as honorable), but she handled it well.

All moms need to be careful of that moment–the moment they realize that their daughters are prettier than they are. I think it’s easy to become jealous, or to try to start living through our daughters at that minute. It’s much better to just be proud and steer her well and be content with where you are in life.

Another thought:

Rebecca handles herself well. When we had problems at the hotel she was often the one who dealt with it. She organized the luggage, and the passports, and checking in. We’ve traveled a lot as a family–on missions trips, to see friends, to speak. And she really watched and listened. And now she is perfectly capable of doing it all herself. It made me proud.

I came home to 200 emails, and it’s a little overwhelming. That’s the one part that’s hard about leaving–you know you’re coming home to more work. I’m trying to wade through them now, but it may take me some time. If you’ve written me, please give me some grace!

It’s good to be home, though, even though a winter storm is heading our way.

And I did have a wonderful time with my daughter.

Related posts:

Enjoying My Vacation…
I Got Stitches!
A Winner, Vacations, and Announcements!

Wifey Wednesday: Divorce Proof Your Marriage

It’s Wednesday, the day of our marriage linkup party! I talk about marriage and then I give you all a chance to link up your own marriage posts below.

Today, I welcome guest author, Holly Smith from A Martha Heart, who shares about divorce-proofing your marriage.

Before I even begin, I must remind you that I do not write this from a place of perfect or having it all together.  Lest you think that, please read my article here. Second, this is NOT an article of condemnation or rebuke for those of you, who are currently in the process of getting a divorce or have been divorced. I know how hurtful this is and how the process may make you feel a cloak of shame and pain–I have worn the same cloak through our journey of bankruptcy. The intent of this article is solely to give you tools, to be a help and to speak over this topic as a weapon against an unrelenting enemy, who has YOU and ME and our marriages squarely in his target.  Not for one moment should we ever forget that. So let’s shed a light on this topic, which could easily remain an unspoken topic. Finally, I am not an expert. But my Chris and I have received some good teaching over the years!

1. Take the word DIVORCE out of your daily conversations–when you are “joking” or even just being edgy, there is no need to open this door.  Leave it closed.  Now, I’m not being silly and saying that the word divorce will never come up in discussion. For after 21 years of marriage, we have watched our fellow comrades fall to it.  Every time it has broken our hearts–every time it has cut us to the core. And every time, we do pray for those involved truly.  It is not a matter for gossip nor is it a topic we enjoy, but it should bring out compassion in your heart for both husband and wife and for other family members and friends.

2. Stay on the same team.  If it becomes you versus me in any aspect of our lives, then we need to talk it out and possibly get good godly counsel. This is from a Longhorn, Methodist and Yankee who married an Aggie, Baptist and Southern boy.  Work out every difference that matters!  Some things are just fun to have opinions about, but when it edges on dissension, and you will know in your heart what that feels like, then take time to work that out. Talk about those things.  Talk about the areas where you are feeling like a situation or person is trying to divide.  Then get back to back and face the situation, as a battle. A divided house will not stand.  It won’t and it can’t.

3. When you have “somewhat” against them and you find it creeping into every conversation and many thoughts, there and then you need to throw the baggage out.  You have been carrying it too long.  Forgive it. Cover it with grace.  And love them.  I guarantee you that these thoughts will continue to happen–because, as I said you have a very real enemy, who whispers in your ear ALL the time.  So do I.  And though my hackles might rise up again, I must CHOOSE how I’m going to think.  Take that baby captive and make it obedient to Christ.  Love covers a multitude.  Choose to love.  Yes, I know.  I know it smarts and it hurts, but you choose to cover it with love. When the time is right and interruptions are nil, discuss this “somewhat” with your mate.  Tell them, this hurt me.  I love you.  But you need to know this hurt and we need to work through it.

4. Get away together.  Make it happen–even if it is a “stay-cation” kind of thing.  If you have children, you need to find a way to spend at least 24 hours together without interruptions and do what you used to do, before children. This is the time to discuss the hard things and time to DREAM and time to re-learn what it is that made you fall in love. I highly recommend Family Life’s Weekend to Remember.  My Chris and I have gone six times and benefited greatly from each one.  It is a great investment! We have given it as gifts and we will most certainly go again!

5. Laugh together.  Laugh at yourself and your silliness.  Laugh at the quirkiness of life.  Laugh about the things that once again are happening (like $4.31 in your bank account–hello? we still need a budget!).  Watch a funny movie. Listen to Brian Regan. Take a walk down through your neighborhood and “silly walk” the whole time.

6. Guard your heart and your mind.  Watch what you watch.  Watch what you read. Leave the past in the past–no archaeology to see how “they” are now. Leave them.  Guard it. If you find that what you are doing (what you are watching, drinking or participating in) brings out the “old man” in you (your old way of life before Christ changed your way of living), guard there.  Don’t go there.  Lock the door and throw away the key. When you are with other couples, guard your tongue and what you say regarding your spouse.  One word of criticism will effectually emasculate them.  Speak words that edify. Watch how your body language speaks, too.  I cannot tell you the times I have watched another woman speak “available” to my Chris. You better believe I was not only watching but placing myself and Jesus between us.  Two layers of impossible right there– we don’t spend time with them again.

7. NEVER go to lunch or be in the same home with someone of the opposite sex alone–unless it’s a family member. NEVER. I don’t care if it’s business or whatever.  Don’t do it. Bring a friend.  Invite your spouse along.  It is a good boundary.

8. Self-monitor your conversations in social networking. Guard every aspect of your words and intent. If you struggle here, I recommend that you invite your spouse or a close friend to keep watch and have the right to say–that looked a little flirty to me.

9. Find those activities you enjoy together and make TIME for them.  We love to read and to travel.  We love outdoors and hiking. We enjoy movies and going out to dinner. We hold hands and smile at one another often. We love to listen to music–past and present–and to sing.  These (and much more) are activities that we enjoy. Watch over your schedules here and make one another priority.  Most activities we enjoy do not cost a cent either, so no excuses.  You DO what you WANT to do.

10. Dream of the future together.  Talk about the dearest passions of your life and plan for it. I have a sweet friend, who wanted to swim with sharks. Her husband had cancer and he died. Afterwards she found that he had stashed away in their closet savings for her dream–just a dollar and then some more, but enough for the trip.  She immediately planned and went.  Though her heart was (and is still) broken, they dreamed together and planned for it. Dreaming is something God intended for us to do and it is even better if we can dream together and weave plans for the future.  They may not happen the way we hoped, but we are tied together–and what God has tied together, no man or “impossibility” can separate.

Perhaps here, you’d like for me to give you an out…like a get out of jail free card or an excuse.  I won’t.  I will pray for you, though.  You are welcome to let me know to do just that.  Marriage is worth it.  It is sacred and blessed.  And I am in this for life with my Chris.  After 21 years, I find that we are still learning about one another–I know that we can never outlive our ability to find out more and love more and laugh more and dream more. He is my heart–not one part do I withhold.

What advice do you have for us today? Link up your own URL in the linky below!

Related posts:

Divorce Calculator: What is Your Chance of Divorce?
Wifey Wednesday: What Does Submission in Marriage Mean?
Wifey Wednesday: Invest in Your Marriage

When Your Husband Says “My Porn Addiction Isn’t About You”

Today’s guest post is from Mike Genung, who unpacks 5 action steps for you in dealing with a hard reality.

It hit the fan today.

Your husband confessed that he’s addicted to pornography. You’re sick to your stomach, furious, and deeply hurt. Perhaps you assume his problem is about you: “I must not be enough for him; what am I doing wrong? Maybe I’m not good enough in bed… how can I compare to the twenty-year olds he’s lusting after?”

You bite hard on doubt, fear and insecurity: It must be true; what else could it be? I’m the only one he’s having sex with and he’s looking elsewhere; I must be the problem. Maybe if I was a better wife, or prettier he wouldn’t do that anymore.

You ask him what you need to change to fix his problem, and he quietly says “It’s not about you.”

“Then what is the problem?” you ask.

In your husband’s place, allow me to unpack what’s going on.

1. Men are wired differently than women. Where many women need emotional connection to warm up to sex, men are physically geared for it. This means when you’re walking on the street you may not give the slightest thought to the hunk that just passed by, while his lust-meter just shot up because a young co-ed entered his field of vision. The sexually explicit imagery found in pornography has a powerful effect on him, and, if he continues to indulge in it, can draw him into an addictive cycle of binge, shame, and binge again to “fix” the shame.

2. He’s addicted to a sin that will never satisfy. Every time he acts out with porn it leaves him emptier and more miserable than before, with an ever increasing desire for “more and better.” You could have a perfect body with the perfect personality and it wouldn’t satisfy or resolve his lust-craving.

In spite of your husband’s problem, the truth is that you are the right, and only woman for him because God put you two together. You and your husband are the perfect match; your weaknesses compliment his strengths, and visa-versa. The problem is that he’s in bondage to sin and is not caring for his wife as God called him to.

3. Lust warps a man’s character and twists him emotionally into a blind, sex and self-obsessed fool; I know because I was in bondage to it for many years. In such a state, it’s going to be difficult for him to grasp the truth. He won’t understand how valuable you are to him and that you’re his best friend and gift from God, just as I didn’t see that my wife Michelle was when I was in that place. Sexual sin causes emotional blindness; your husband is in a dark pit from which he may not know the way out.

4. You can’t fix your husband. Wives can’t remove sin from their husband’s hearts; that’s God’s work. If you go on a “campaign to fix my husband,” the chances are high it will blow up in your face. This is because sexual sin is very shaming; when a man is pushed into getting help – as opposed to wanting and reaching out for it on his own – he will withdraw into his shell which will make him more prone to slips. Lust breeds in isolation.

By now you may be asking “then what should I do?” Here are 5 action steps to consider:

1. Explain to your husband that you are his bride and your expectation is that he will reserve sex only for the two of you. Don’t allow him to justify his behavior, which many men (including Christians) try to do. Re-iterate the standards God set in His word if you have to.

2. Instead of trying to control him, put the ball on his court by asking him what he’s going to do to get help. If he hedges, politely refuse to let him off the hook. He needs to take action to break free, which can include going to an accountability group, books, counseling, porn blocking software, or shutting off the cable TV service. Freedom from bondage to sexual sin never happens on its own. If he says he’s going to take action but doesn’t follow through, be prepared to set consequences. If he doesn’t take action it means he’s choosing his sin of adultery (which porn is) over you. You can’t control your husband, but you can set boundaries and define what is acceptable behavior in your marriage.

3. Ask him how you can help. Try to position your relationship so you’re fighting with him, not against him. Pray for and with him daily. Although it may feel like it, your husband is not your enemy. Fighting together against the true enemy will make a positive difference in your marriage.

4. Express your feelings to him. What he does hurts you, deeply; he needs to understand that his actions have a profound impact on you. If you need to, go to marriage counseling together so you can talk through the thorny issues in a safe environment. Sometimes the safety of working through hot button issues with a counselor is needed to navigate the road to healing.

5. Take care of yourself. Eat right, and exercise. Spend time with God every day, and allow Him to minister to you. Meet weekly with a close, safe friend you can trust, or a counselor so you can express your feelings to someone outside of the marriage and get support. Don’t try to go this alone; stuffing your feelings is one of the worst things you can do.

The good news is that God heals marriages; I know because mine is one of them. There is hope. My prayer is that the Lord will set your husband free and provide healing to your heart.

Mike Genung struggled with sexual addiction for 20 years before God set him free in 1999. He is the founder of Blazing Grace, a ministry to the sexually broken and their spouses, and the author of The Road to Grace; Finding True Freedom from the Bondage of Sexual Addiction, available at www.roadtograce.net.

Related posts:

Discovering Your Husband’s Porn Addiction
Finding God After Pornography
Dealing with Your Husband’s Porn Addiction

Can You Have Half a Brother?

Today’s guest post is from Joanne Kraft, who shares some great tips for blended families.

While speaking at a women’s conference an adorable young mom came up and introduced herself to me. It wasn’t long before we were talking about our family. I asked, “How many children do you have?”

“Three.” She smiled. “My nine year old son is from my husband’s first marriage. Our seven year old and five year old daughters are our biological children.”

I wanted to cry. This sweet gal, without knowing, it had touched a tender spot in me. It happens quite often, actually. If I owned a soap box, I’d climb high above the crowd to shout about labeling children in a blended family. While it was great she called her “un” biological child her son, she set him apart from the rest of the family and told me he was different.

Why does this pain me so?

Because our family is blended. We come from broken beginnings.

According to national statistics, 48% of all families will end in divorce. From that number, 79% of the adults will remarry two and even three times. There are 35 million Americans in the US today who are remarried. There are an additional 36 million Americans who are divorced or widowed. (US Census, 2007) 1 out of 3 Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily –a mismatched, disjointed motley crew of people trying very hard to be a family.

That’s a boatload of families under the umbrella of “blended family” attempting to put the pieces of their lives back together again. And, what about foster families? Dont’ forget international adoptions and let’s not overlook single moms and relatives standing in the gap for loved ones and raising little ones.

Broken Beginnings

When I recently sat down with Jim Daly, President of Focus on the Family, he asked me the ages of my children then followed up by asking how long I’ve been married. When I mention our daughter is twenty years old, then go on to share my husband Paul and I have been married almost fifteen years, it’s not hard to do the math.

“You’re a blended family?” He kindly asked.

“Our family comes from broken beginnings.” I shared. “I married very young and had two little ones before my divorce. My husband and I weren’t Christians. I don’t say that to make an excuse for my divorce but to let you know just how selfish our world was at the time. I know now that God can breathe life into dead things.” I went on to share all God had done in our lives to make things new and whole again.

Jim Daly just smiled and listened. Finally he quietly asked, “Why aren’t you writing a book about this?”

God Doesn’t Call Me His Stepchild

If people don’t know our family intimately they’re always surprised to discover we are a blended family. We don’t use the word “blended”. It’s not that it’s forbidden it’s just never been used. Any labels like half sibling or stepchild make me physically ill. I don’t even know how you can have half a brother, half a child?

When I gave my life to Christ I became His. He doesn’t call me His stepchild. The scriptures say, “But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12 He adopted me and calls me His. I’m not Jewish. Yet, He loves me as His own chosen daughter. He makes no delineation between the promises He makes to me or any of His children. His word says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” 2Corinthians 5:17

If Christ is our example and He doesn’t label us, why do we label and set apart our own children?

4 Ways to Make Your Child Feel Loved

For those of you who may have never thought of this before, here are a few suggestions from one blended family who has been there.

•Never introduce your son or daughter as your “stepchild” or explain they aren’t your “biological” child. Nothing hurts a little one more than being reminded they are different—especially from their parents.

•Always introduce your son or daughter as just that. I can hear some of you now. “But, what if my stepson won’t call me mom?” Or, “He already has a mom.” If your child isn’t comfortable calling you mom then they shouldn’t call you mom. But, nothing is stopping you from introducing him as your son. It gives a child value and boosts their security and self- esteem when they feel they are loved and belong.

•Never share the whole story. No one needs a play by play of your family’s history—especially when your children are present. Save the intimate details for your best friend and doctor.

•Always gently correct those who label—especially in the presence of your child. I understand people are curious and don’t mean any ill will. When my daughter was working at a coffee house a woman came in and said, “I didn’t realize Samuel was your half-brother.” Meghan was taken aback. She’d never heard that before and kindly corrected her. “Samuel is my brother.” Can you imagine the impact her words would have had had her little brother heard them?

I’m not one to get tattoos, but if I were Revelation 21:5 would be the verse I’d have engraved in bold and swirly cursive letters, “Behold He is making all things new.” Whether you’re in a blended family or are a single parent, remember, God is in the “new things” business. It’s His specialty.

If God can seamlessly put back together the broken pieces of our family, if He can raise His son from the dead, He can raise your family from the ashes, too.

 

Joanne Kraft has a passion for encouraging moms. A sought-after speaker, Kraft has been published in Today’s Christian Woman, Chicken Soup for the Soul, In Touch, ParentLife, Thriving Family, Kyria, P31 Woman Magazine to name a few. She serves as a Marriage Study Leader, Group Leader of Inspire Christian Writers, and 911 Dispatcher in Sacramento County, California. She’s been interviewed by CBN, Focus on the Family’s – Your Family Live, Sacramento & Co., and the Harvest Show. Joanne is married to a man who shares her love of Taco Bell Encheritos (hold the onions), and is a recovering busy-mom to their four beautiful children.

Related posts:

How to Cook a Step-Family
Reader Question of the Week: Respect the Line, Please
The Bliss of Large Families

Reader Question of the Week: Weighty Issues

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question comes from my Facebook page, where a reader asks:

Help! Over the last few years my husband, who used to be in great shape, has gained about 60 pounds. I’m not attracted to him physically anymore. I try to keep in great shape, but he doesn’t make an effort. What should I do?

What do you think? Any thoughts for her?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: How Has God Made a Difference in Your Marriage?
Reader Question of the Week: I’m Not Attracted to My Husband Anymore
Reader Question of the Week: Mom needs help with sons!

Flying Out of the Nest

Can I ask a quick favor before you read today’s post? I’m considering starting some webinars online where I teach on marriage/sex, but I need your feedback on topic/price/time etc. If you have a second, can you fill out this survey for me? Thank you!

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week I’m sharing about my oldest turning eighteen.

I dreamt of this day, but somehow it always seemed such a long way off. During the diaper and stroller days, and the sticking band-aids on boo boos (and imaginary boo boos), and reassuring during the awkward braces stage, it’s hard to believe that one day it may all be over.

And it is. Last weekend my oldest child turned eighteen.

She’s got a year of university behind her already, and she’s working full-time to earn a pile of money this semester, all with the goal of moving out next September. My baby is flying out of the nest.

People say that time goes by so fast the older you get, but I don’t feel as if the last eighteen years have been a whirlwind. Instead, it’s more that I forget what life was like before she entered the world. When Rebecca was born, who I am today was born, too. I became a Mom.

To be a mom is to have your heart permanently walk around outside your body. You never dreamed that you could love someone this much, but when you look into those little eyes you realize that you are staring into the rest of your life. Certainly that means that you notice threats where you never noticed them before; I spent four years in downtown Toronto teaching Rebecca the mantra: “Cars are bigger than Beccas!”, so that she would learn to be careful on the streets. Every stranger is a potential abductor. Kitchen utensils are ominous.

Yet it is not the fear that I remember as much as it is the wonder of discovery. Having a child makes you see the beauty of the world again. A child loves those pesky seagulls—they fly when you run towards them. They laugh at squirrels. They’re fascinated by dandelions, and worms, and rainbows. Now, wherever I go, I’m always a little melancholy if I’m by myself, because I think, “Rebecca would love this.”

This world has become bigger because it is a place where she can explore, and discover, and leave her mark. And, that, I think, is also what is most exciting about this period of our lives. As she leaves home, I’m excited to see what she will choose to be, what she will choose to do, whom she will choose to love. I struggled with that for a time in her teen years; she is so much like me—she looks like me, and she acts so much like me—that I found myself taking her successes and her disappointments a little too personally, as if I were the one reliving teenagehood (though the very thought of reliving those years gives me the willies).

But we’ve both grown up recently. I have many regrets, but I can’t change that now. I did the best I could do, and she did the rest. She is who she is, and I am who I am. She doesn’t need someone to tell her what to do anymore; she just needs a cheerleader, and a confidante, and hopefully someone who will show up on her doorstep with food every now and then.

As this is published we’ll be in an airplane together, heading down to Mexico for a week to celebrate her adulthood. I considered doing something profound—bringing photo albums and journals so that we could mark this moment with the gravity it deserves. But I left them at home. Instead, we’re bringing snorkel gear. We’ll discover new things together, and we’ll laugh, and reminisce. And yet forever I will know that my heart is still there, outside my body, destined never to return.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Related posts:

When Does Childhood End?
Cure for Melancholy
Daddy’s Little Girl

Being a Peace-MAKER Rather Than a Peace-KEEPER: Conflict in Marriage

This week we’ve been looking at how to effectively deal with conflict in marriage.

I’ve said that too often in Christian circles women feel as if submission means that they may state their opinion, but then they back off and let him make the decision. They don’t question; they back down. They “duck”, so to speak, and let God deal with him.

I argued that I don’t think that’s a helpful way to look at conflict in marriage. Our aim should be to seek peace, not the absence of conflict, and I explained yesterday what the difference was.

I fear that too often when conflict arises in marriage, we think of it as a submission issue when it’s really just a communication issue. And that’s because we tend to see conflict as bad: we disagree, and so one must submit, or else the conflict will keep going. But what if handling conflict effectively means that you each find a win-win? What if not all conflict is win-lose? And what if conflict can actually be one of the routes to oneness–which is actually what we want in the first place?

Today I want to look at a specific issue and show the different models I’m talking about.

A woman recently wrote in saying:

We recently had a conflict after reviewing a source from Dr Jim Burns, it was a marriage minute. I thought it’d be fun to connect. It had suggestions to re-connect. It had ‘surprise your wife.”

I asked my husband if he ever thought of surprising me, and he became so defensive. He became mad and said if he sat at home all day and wasn’t so busy and overwhelmed he could do stuff like that. We are empty nesters and I watch our grandson.

He claims we have no money. I said we didn’t have to spend money, could use hotel points or a family cabin. He told me I was nagging him and he felt like he was being grilled.

We have started date nights and that is going well. We do some wkds with me planning it all, thought it would be nice is he took the reins maybe one time. What should I do?

To reiterate, she had an idea that she felt could make their marriage fun: he plans to surprise her this year! She expressed her desire to her husband, and he became very defensive, saying that she didn’t appreciate all he did.

1. Now let’s say that she reacted with the first model, where she submits (using the meaning that I used in this post, not what I believe is the biblical meaning of that word).

She says to herself, “he is the leader, and I am to submit to him. If he doesn’t want to do this, I need to be okay with that. I need to forgive him, and let it go.”

So she genuinely does. She says to him, “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to put such pressure on you. I know you work hard for our family. I know you value our relationship. I respect you, I love you, and I love our marriage just the way it is. I know we will have fun this year regardless.” And she gives him a kiss and walks away. She honestly has forgiven him, though she sighs wistfully a bit.

What is he thinking? He realizes he’s off the hook, but he still knows that he has disappointed her. Sure she’s not holding it over his head, but he knows that she wanted something that he chose not to give her. So he still feels a little angry at her for wanting that. And he still feels a little defensive. That feeling may stay for a few days, under the surface, or even for longer.

Has she made peace? She has, after all, given up the issue. She has “submitted”, using the meaning of the word that I often see in comments and blogs. She has left the ball in his court to do anything, and she is not demanding that he try anything else.

2. Now let’s look at another model–what I will call the “healthy conflict” model.

In this model the goal is to understand each other and work through something so that you grow more intimate. The goal is to value each other and honor each other’s feelings. To explain this one, I’m just going to tell it as a story.

Jane says, “I see that you’re really upset by what I suggested, and that was never my intention. I really don’t want you to feel that I think you don’t love me or that I think you’re not a good husband, because that’s not true. Can you tell me what you’re feeling?”

John grunts a bit and folds his arms, and says, “I’m never good enough. You want the fancy hotel away from home and the fancy restaurant and I’m not that kind of person. I’m a stay at home and watch football kind of guy. When I’m not at work I want to relax, not worry about planning some vacation that’s going to cost a ton of money!”

Jennifer replies, “So what you’re saying is that you enjoy doing things at home, that don’t cost money, when you can feel really relaxed, right?”

John says, “Exactly. Why do we need to go do something fancy? Why do I have to plan that? Can’t you just be happy with our life?”

Jennifer then says, “Absolutely. I am happy with our life. And I love the new date night thing that we’ve started. But to me, one way of experiencing love is to realize that you have been thinking about me, studying me, and trying to please me. It isn’t the restaurant that matters; it’s the fact that I know you thought of something, or that you spent time thinking of what I might like. I know that can sound intimidating, though. Is there a way that we can make it easier? That I can not ask so much of you, but I can still feel as if you’ve been thinking of me?”

John: “Why do you think I don’t think of you? I think about you all the time. How come the only way I’m allowed to think of you is if I plan a date to a restaurant?”

Jennifer: “It isn’t. You know what would really help me? Can you tell me the last time you thought about me when you were at work?”

John: “Well, this morning I was passing the water fountain and two secretaries were talking about how to bribe their boyfriends into buying them expensive diamond rings. I thought to myself, “I’m so glad Jennifer doesn’t expect a diamond ring. She’s practical and appreciates being responsible about our retirement savings.”

Jennifer: “Really? I never knew you appreciated that about me. Can I ask a favor, then? How about the next time you’re at work and you’re grateful about something to do with me, can you text me and just tell me? That’s it. Just text me and tell me. That would make me feel so amazing! Now, what’s something that I can do that can make you feel so amazing?”

…and the conversation went on.

Can you see the difference? There was no name calling. They were talking THROUGH the issue, and at the end the couple found out new things about each other. They found out they were on the same page–they did want to show each other love. They did value each other. It’s just that sometimes it went unrecognized. By talking it through it brought those feelings out into the open and they felt better about the relationship.

That’s what I’m talking about. Sometimes we focus so much on “not causing any conflict” or on “submitting” that we actually work directly against building intimacy.

We turn submission into a goal rather than just an action. We think that the highest goal we can have in marriage is to learn to submit, when really the highest goal for marriage is oneness. We should be aiming for oneness!

A peacekeeper simply avoids conflict. When there’s a disagreement, they retreat. A peace-maker is aiming for much more: they’re aiming for reconciliation. And reconciliation is active, not passive.

Don’t avoid conflict because you think that’s the biblical model. Work through it in a healthy way. Validate each other’s feelings. Talk through solutions. Be open to new ways of showing love. That’s a healthier model of marriage than one where the wife says, “I will always defer to you because you are the man.”

What do you think?

 

Day One: Submission Doesn’t Mean You Never Have Conflict

Day Two: Seeking Peace, Not the Absence of Conflict 

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Seeking Peace Not the Absence of Conflict
Wifey Wednesday: Peace vs. Lack of Conflict
Submission Doesn’t Mean You Never Have Conflict

Wifey Wednesday: Seeking Peace Not the Absence of Conflict

It’s Wednesday, the day of our marriage linkup party! I talk about marriage and then I give you all a chance to link up your own marriage posts below.

We’re in the middle of a 3-part series on what it looks like to truly build oneness and resolve conflict in marriage. Yesterday I said that submission doesn’t mean that we avoid conflict. Today I want to talk about peace.

Egypt and Israel. Technically they are at peace. They have a peace treaty. But Egyptians want that peace treaty torn up. An Israeli walking in Egypt would feel distinctly uncomfortable and threatened. Are they shooting at each other? No. But is there peace?

In contrast, let’s look at Canada (my own country) and the United States. We share a common culture and common agreement on basic things. We have trade agreements. We have military agreements. We’re friends. We have mutual understanding.

That’s peace.

Psalm 34:14 says:

Seek peace and pursue it.

We are to seek peace, and that does not mean seeking an absence of conflict, like the Israelis and the Egyptians. It means seeking a relationship where there is mutual goodwill and understanding–where you agree on basic things.

I think of the peace-absence of conflict dynamic similar to the heat-cold dynamic. Did you know that cold is not an actual “thing”? Cold is simply the absence of heat. Cold does not move; heat does. When you are cold, it is because you have lost heat. It’s not like hot and cold are equal forces, working against each other; hot and cold can only be understood in relation to heat itself.

Peace and lack of conflict is the same thing. The only real force is peace; lack of conflict is just the absence of peace. So you can’t “pursue lack of conflict”, for instance, because it’s not real. You can only pursue peace.

This verse, then, is not saying, “don’t fight”. It’s saying, “pursue mutual understanding and good will.”

I want to continue this for a moment and then we’ll see how this relates to marriage.

1 Corinthians 1:10 says (in the New Living Translation):

I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose.

What does it mean to be of one mind? It means to be united in thought and purpose. It does not simply mean that you don’t fight, or that you avoid conflict. It means that you have to be of ONE MIND.

The only way to be of one mind is to agree in Christ. If we are to be of one mind, then we must each try to discern what God wants for us, and agree in that. After all, Jesus Christ is the TRUTH; if we are to be of one mind, we are to be united in truth, under Him.

That’s why pursuing an absence of conflict strategy doesn’t work in marriage. You’re not really agreeing with each other; you’re just agreeing not to disagree. For decades leading up to the Civil War, politicians were trying to avoid conflict. They came to all kinds of compromises regarding what states could have slaves, and what they would do with fugitive slaves or with new territories. And none of it worked because they were not united in truth; they weren’t of one mind. And the bloodshed that finally came was horrific.

So what is it that God asks us to do? He wants us seeking peace, which means seeking to build a close, intimate relationship where you are of one mind, united in thought and purpose. You understand each other. You feel intimate. You feel like one.

It is so much more than just avoiding conflict. And as I talked about yesterday, sometimes a faulty view of a woman’s role in marriage can delay, or even avoid, this “peace seeking” process. If we decide that our role, as wives, is to state our position but then say absolutely nothing ever again so that God can convict our husbands, then are we seeking peace? Are we attempting to become of one mind? Are we united in thought and purpose?

When Paul and Peter were not united in thought and purpose they called each other on it, they debated it, and in the end they made complete peace with one another. But that peace was only possible because they talked through the issues. Had one of them said, “you have the authority here, and so I am not going to say anything,” there would have been no peace.

That’s because sometimes the route to peace goes through conflict. Sometimes the only way to feel intimate, and to feel as if you’re on the same side in marriage, and to feel united, is to have some conflict. Conflict is not a bad thing necessarily; no two people will agree on everything, and when two different personalities, with different backgrounds and different expectations–let alone different genders–join together in marriage, there will be some friction. There will be hurt feelings because we don’t feel loved. There will be fear because we’re not sure of the future. There will be disappointment.

Many people choose to swallow these emotions, thinking that in doing so they are respecting their husbands, or promoting peace. “If I say something, I’ll upset him, and I don’t want him to be upset, so I’ll just forgive and let it go.” That is not always the best route–and, in fact, I’d say that is rarely the best route. There are times we should just let things go, but I think a far healthier way of dealing with things is simply to learn how to have healthy conflict.

When I’m upset, and I talk to Keith about it, pretty nearly half the time, in talking it through, I realize that it was a misunderstanding, or that I was wrong, and it feels so much better to have gone over it and so gotten rid of my negative feelings. And we feel closer because we’ve talked something through. Conflict doesn’t mean that the other person sees it your way; quite often I end up seeing things his way! Or we both see it together a new way. Conflict simply means that we discuss the areas where we see things or feel things differently, and come to a new understanding. That’s a good thing!

I think we’re scared of the word “conflict”, thinking that it means two people yelling at each other. But conflict simply means two people coming together with opposing views. There’s nothing wrong with that. Then you just work through it. You don’t have to yell (and you shouldn’t); but you do have to acknowledge that we may not agree on everything. To many people that idea, in and of itself, is scary. And they don’t know where to go from there. But you must push through.

In fact, most conflict is just wrestling with each other to find the truth. That’s what Paul and Peter did, and it changed the church. Learning to express your feelings, to validate his feelings, to identify the real issue, to listen to each other, and to ask for and grant forgiveness are key things in a marriage. And too many marriages know nothing about these things because they are focused on lack of conflict, not peace.

How can you feel of “one mind” with someone who does not know your heart? If you are bottling up things, thinking that this makes you a better wife, you may be working directly against intimacy.

I am not saying you should nag, or that you should fight every chance you get, or every time you feel the slightest twinge of aggravation you should let him know. Of course not. Little things we can always let go. But if it is something important, seek peace. Seek being of one mind, united in thought and purpose in Christ. Seek intimacy.

Tomorrow I’ll give you a concrete example of how this might work in a real marriage, but for today, let me ask you: have you been pursuing peace, or pursuing lack of conflict? Have you been bottling things up, so that you feel further and further away from your husband? Do you avoid talking about real issues? Maybe what you need to learn is how to have constructive conflict, because absence of conflict very rarely brings true peace.

What advice do you have for us today? Link up your own URL in the linky below!

Day One: Submission Doesn’t Mean You Never Have Conflict

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Peace vs. Lack of Conflict
Quick Question: Does Your Husband Bring You Peace?
Seeking Peace on Earth

Submission Doesn’t Mean You Never Have Conflict

Attention Break Forth Attendees: If you saw me speak this weekend, and want to enter my Break Forth Valentine’s Day giveaway, you can do so here!

I’d like to start a 3-post series this week on something that I’m really concerned about: a dangerous thread in Christian teaching regarding women’s roles.

We saw it in my earlier posts about video games and your husband. Many women felt that submission meant that you didn’t question him. You let him know what you think once, but then you leave it. You shut up and never mention it again. You leave it in God’s hands.

That may sound like it’s the biblical model, but I think it’s focusing on a narrow interpretation of one verse–Ephesians 5:22–rather than the whole of Scripture. And it also goes against modern research.

Let me deal with the research issue first: in general, research backs up what we know about human nature. For instance, research shows that cohabitation before marriage leads to more divorce, as we would expect, because marriage is sacred. Research shows that those who wait until they’re married to have sex end up with better sex lives, which is also what we would expect because sex was designed for marriage.

God’s truth is timeless truth. Therefore, we would expect that the things that God wants also lead to better and healthier relationships. And research does indeed show that. Now, research does not determine truth; but if research goes against what we think is God’s truth, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate our interpretation and make sure that it is indeed God’s truth, and not an error in interpretation. We had better be sure, because I have yet to see something that is true not also borne out by research.

In this case, I think a re-evaluation is in order, because we definitely have an outlier.

Research shows that the healthiest couples are not those where the wife states her position once, and then backs off. No, the happiest couples are those who FIGHT. Those who wrestle through issues, and don’t back down until you rebuild intimacy and trust and closeness, end up closest, and have far lower divorce rates.

I see this in my own marriage. My husband and I do disagree, though not as often as we used to. But that doesn’t mean that we’re unhealthy. On the contrary; when I’m upset, I’m worried because that means our intimacy is in jeopardy. And so we deal with it. When he’s upset, we air what’s bothering us and we deal with it, too.

Now, there are healthy and unhealthy ways of fighting, and I’m certainly not arguing that fighting for the sake of fighting, or calling each other names, or manipulating, is a plus in marriage. Unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict do not lead to marital peace.

But when you have something that’s disturbing to you, sharing that with your spouse and working through it contributes to intimacy; it does not detract from it. In fact, it contributes to healthier individuals in general (research also shows that individuals who suppress conflict actually die earlier).

That’s what the research says. What does Scripture say?

Scripture gives numerous examples of people working through issues. Paul and Peter had a protracted fight about whether or not the Jews were given special status in the early church. They didn’t back off dealing with the issue for the sake of early church harmony to avoid conflict; they worked through it and came to a great resolution.

Paul and Barnabas had a falling out over Mark, and they worked through it and came to an agreement, so much so that Mark continued with Paul afterwards.

Scripture calls us to deal with conflict, not ignore conflict. In fact, we are never called to avoid conflict; we are called to “seek peace and pursue it” (Psalm 34:14) (I’ll have a longer post up tomorrow about what that specifically means).

I don’t believe, however, that peace means absence of conflict. Peace means re-establishing a healthy relationship, and sometimes that must involve conflict. We must confront over sin. We must talk about hurt feelings. Jesus even said that if you’re about to give your gift at the altar, and you remember that your brother has something against you, you go and deal with that brother. Even if it’s an uncomfortable conversation, it’s one that you must have to restore the relationship.

Do you think the Bible meant for this to be true for EVERY relationship EXCEPT marriage? Was God saying, “work through your conflict with people. Deal with issues. Confront issues. Be open about issues. Unless, of course, you’re a woman, and then you should only do so with absolutely everyone EXCEPT your husband.”

No, I don’t think so at all.

I’m not saying that if you’re upset at your husband, and you have an argument where you both just can’t agree, that you keep at it indefinitely to the detriment of your marriage. In fact, sometimes in marriage we have to decide to let an issue go. We have to say, “he just doesn’t see it my way, and I’ve tried telling him, and explaining it to him, and he doesn’t agree and he isn’t going to change.” And then you do let it go, as I spoke about here.

Some commenters, though, speak about this as if it is a FIRST resort, rather than a LAST one. He is the head of the house, in this line of thinking, and so he has the right to decide what to do and how to do it.

My problem with so much of this line of thinking is that the end goal seems to be keeping the proper order of things in marriage–in other words making sure that his preferences stand because you submit–rather than building intimacy. Intimacy requires that you wrestle things through. That doesn’t mean you don’t give way; but what is the goal? When Keith and I argue, we argue because we want to remain close; we want to feel as if we both value and cherish each other. If there’s something standing in the way, it needs to be dealt with because we want to feel like we’re “one flesh”.

On the other hand, I’ve heard women talk where the end goal seems instead to be “making sure that I’m letting him lead” instead of feeling like one. And if you suppress part of yourself, it’s awfully hard to feel like one.

Iron, after all, sharpens iron. But too many of us are not acting as iron in our marriages. We are acting as a rag, helpful for polishing a sword to make it look great, but not helpful for actually making that sword effective. And in the meantime we’re treating ourselves like we’re garbage, not worthy of having an opinion that we can express.

Submission means that you think of your husband’s needs above your own; that you study him and love him and seek to build him up; that you honour him as the servant leader. It does not mean that God asks us to leave our minds at the door as soon as we get married, or that He says, “in other relationships you can wrestle through issues, but in marriage his will goes.”

One woman wrote on my Facebook Page recently that she is trying to submit, but she has trouble, especially with the way her husband disciplines their 18-year-old. She then commented that he whipped him.

Is that truly the godly version of submission?

We must learn how to deal with conflict effectively. We should seek to get to the real issue, rather than going round and round. We should work on our friendship so that we have a base of goodwill so that it’s easier to bring up issues. We should not call each other names, and we should honour their opinions. We should practice humility.

But we should still work through that conflict, not bury it. We often play lip service to the idea that God designed marriage primarily to make us holy, and not to make us happy, but then we seem to forget that this applies to men, too. It isn’t about women ignoring our feelings and needs in marriage; if it were, how, then, are men to be made holy? What if you are the vehicle through which God wants to work?

Yes, consider your husband’s feelings. Yes, place his needs first. Yes, seek his well-being. Yes, support him as a servant leader. Yes, sometimes we need to let issues go. But overall, do not avoid conflict. That hinders your marriage, hinders both of you from growing, and ends up shoving you apart. Do we really believe that’s God’s design for marriage?

Over the next two days I’ll look at what lack of conflict vs. peace means, and then we’ll look at a practical example of how to resolve differences.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Peace vs. Lack of Conflict
Resolving Conflict with Your Spouse
Quick Question: Does Your Husband Bring You Peace?

Reader Question of the Week: Really Listening

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question comes from my Facebook page, where Holly M. asks :

How do I help my husband really hear my heart and not just my words — to get him to pay attention?

What do you think? Let’s help her in the comments!

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Are We Captivating our Husbands or Competing for Them?
Reader Question of the Week: Video Games are Stealing My Husband
Reader Question of the Week: Healthy Tug-O-War