Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 252

Stocking Stuffers for Your Wife

On Monday I wrote a post on Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband, and a number of men wrote back and said, “what about suggestions for wives?”

And I know that despite the pink all over this blog, a lot of men actually come here quite frequently, and many are faithful commenters. I talk a lot about marriage & sex & intimacy, and so men find it interesting, too! And so I thought I’d better give you guys a bit of a hand when it comes to figuring out how to make your wife happy this Christmas.

So I did an extremely scientific survey. I asked the women on my Facebook Page, what would you like in your stocking? And I compiled their answers below.

Now, if you’re a woman, and you’re reading this, can I make a suggestion? Forward this post to your best friend’s husband, even if you’re not comfortable forwarding it to YOUR husband. The least we can do for our best friends is to help them out this Christmas by giving their husbands a bit of a hint! So right now: email your best friend’s husband this post. (And then ask her to do the same for your husband!)

So here goes:

Under $5:

1. Coupons & Love Letter – $3.99

Guys, when I asked women what they wanted, over and over again women said, “I don’t want stuff. I want coupons of something he can do for me”, like letting me sleep in on Saturday and he gets the kids, or planning a date night when I don’t have to do anything, or doing something girly with me (like watching a chick flick).

It was so apparent that this was women’s #1 desire that I created a downloadable collection of coupons that you can give your wife this Christmas (or Valentine’s Day, or anniversary, etc.) And I’ve also included some pages where you can write “love notes”, since that was another big desire. It’s a fill-in-the-blank deal, so it’s easier than you may think. You just list your ten favourite memories, or ten reasons why you love her. And then you fold it up and stick it in her stocking. Trust me–she’ll like this more than something that costs a lot, because you’ll be sharing her heart!

I’d love to offer them free, but I had to hire a designer since I can’t do these things myself, so I’m charging a minimal amount. Let’s get these going around, because these will help solidify marriages! Get them here.

31 Days to Great Sex – $4.99

And, of course, the 31 Days to Great Sex is so much fun to work through together! Tell her, “I want to make our life amazing in every way”, and for the next month I want to spend some time with you everyday, even if we’re just talking about how to improve our relationship. It really will do wonders!

Gifts $5-$10

Lindt Chocolate Truffles – $5.68

Chocolates were a huge request! And you can’t really go wrong with them.

Aveeno Hand Cream – $5.89

Women love hand cream! And this stuff works. And if you’d rather buy the travel sized kind she can put in her purse, you can do that here.

Soft and Warm Microfiber Socks 4 pair – $7.80

Many women said, “fuzzy socks!” Here are some warm ones relatively inexpensively.

Cinnamon Vanilla Scented Candle – $9.25

Candles were big on many women’s lists!

Gifts $10-$20

Gift Cards – $10, $25, etc.

Women love to treat themselves, but often feel guilty about spending the money. If you buy her a gift card, then you’re saying, I WANT you to spend this. And that’s freeing! So pick her up an Amazon card for her Kindle, or a Starbucks card, iTunes card, or a gift card to any store she loves.

Russell Stover Chocolate Truffles – $13.95

These ones are my personal favourite. I like them even more than the Lindt ones!

Set of Three Estee Lauder Lip Gloss – $18.99

Makeup was huge on women’s lists, but they wanted something luxurious they would never buy for themselves. Now, personally, I never advise men to buy their wives makeup, because usually they’ll choose the wrong colours. But you can’t really go wrong with lip gloss. So here’s a set of three Estee Lauder lip glosses that she’ll consider a treat!

Gifts $20 +

Pink Swiss Army Knife – $20.59

Hey, guys aren’t the only ones who need an emergency screw driver or an emergency corkscrew! Here’s a Swiss Army Knife just for her–because it’s pink. And that almost guarantees you won’t try to borrow it, either!

Isotoner Women’s Leather Thinsulate Gloves – $40

Many women mentioned a nice pair of warm gloves. Here’s a leather pair that will stand up to cold winters.

Okay, guys, that’s it! Women also requested earrings and some necklaces, but you’ll have to find those yourself. But these are the things that women mentioned, over and over again. And so many women said, “what I really want is a love note”, or “what I really want is a coupon from him for something he’ll do for me.”

So buy her stuff if you want to pamper her, but the biggest thing she likely wants is those coupons!

Related posts:

Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband
Wifey Wednesday: What Do You Do for Christmas with your Husband?
Wifey Wednesday: Seeking a Wise Man

Reader Question of the Week: Modesty Standards within Families

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. After the discussion in the comments last Saturday, one reader wrote in with this question:

What standards for modesty do you have inside your home? Do family members see each other getting out of the bath or shower regularly, is the bathroom door locked with a dead bolt or is it somewhere in between? What rationale did you use to come to your decision on this issue?

What standards do you use in your home and why?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Clean Standards
Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Refuses to Work
Reader Question of the Week: Help! We Live with Extended Family!

Joy in the Gimme Gimme Christmas Season

My blog tour for 31 Days to Great Sex continues today! I’ve got a guest post over at Generous Wife, and another at Circle of Faith (asking: Do Hot and Holy Go together?)!

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column is about finding joy in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season.

The Celebration. The Awe. The Music, the Joy, the Reverence. Even the Silence.

These are all words we’re supposed to associate with Christmas. But I find that too often Christmas becomes a contest: who can get the best gifts, bake the best cookies, and get it all done the fastest.

For some people that excitement is motivating. You can pick these people out if you’re driving around town at night (they’re the ones who have Santa on the roof). They don’t have that panicked look on their faces because they finished their Christmas shopping in August.

The rest of us, though, find Christmas exhausting because we’re already busy and Christmas then gets “tacked on”. It’s a whole new list of things we must get done while there are still lunches to be packed and laundry to be folded and homework to check. How do we find the time?

I tend to fall into this latter category, though most people in my extended family fall into the former. My mother buys gifts so early and then hides them away that her only stress at Christmas is remembering where she hid them. So here’s lonely little me, not very organized but still intent on finding joy. How does one accomplish this in the midst of the bustle?

I can list a myriad of ways to get more organized, but let’s face it: I don’t even follow my own advice, so why should I burden you with it? I’m not sure organization is the root of the problem anyway; if we weren’t organized, but we were excited, the busy-ness wouldn’t bother us so much.

The problem, then, is not so much a time crunch as it is an expectations gap. We want Christmas to be something that too often it isn’t. Instead of being a time of family fun it’s become a huge “gimme gimme” day. And when people—and especially children—get greedy, Christmas can feel somewhat empty, and certainly not worth the pain we experience opening our credit card bills.

This entitlement feeling is natural, though, if most of our Christmas traditions revolve around gifts. The best antidote, then, is to inject other traditions that become as regular as waking up at dawn to check what’s under the tree.

So invite someone who’s alone at Christmas to join your table. Do a ton of baking and drop off Christmas squares anonymously to people on your street or at your workplace. Attend a Christmas Eve church service. Fill up a Christmas basket for a needy family. Spend Boxing Day poring over the gift catalogues from World Vision, where you can buy a goat for a family overseas, or Three Little Pigs, or soccer jerseys, and donate some of your Christmas money. We also spend Boxing Day playing board games as a family, which is always a memory I cherish.

Or perhaps change the very nature of the Christmas presents themselves. About five years ago our family started The Three Gifts of Christmas, where everybody gets three gifts, and nothing else. We call it the Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh tradition. The Gold gift is something they want; the Frankincense gift is something they need; and the Myrrh gift is something that nourishes the soul. Maybe the Myrrh gift could be a journal, or a book, or some music. It could be a family game you all play together to nurture relationships. It could even be $50 towards anything they want to give from the World Vision catalogue.

If Christmas has become too “gimme”, and you want some of that reverence back, then add a bit more “giving” and “family” to the season now. It doesn’t have to be all about the presents. And when it’s about far more, perhaps those bah humbugs all of us occasionally experience will go flying back up that chimney!

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Related posts:

My Three Gifts of Christmas
Bah Humbug Recovery
Imagine…

Creating a Savings Strategy with your Husband

Note: My blog tour for 31 Days to Great Sex continues with a guest post at Rachel Wojnarowski’s site, and at The Alabaster Jar. I’m late linking up, but I thought the reviews were great! And don’t forget: 31 Days to Great Sex makes an awesome Christmas gift!

Is money tight for you right now?

Around this time of year, money tensions can easily rear their ugly heads in marriage. I spend a lot of time writing about sex, but money is the OTHER big thing that couples often have conflict over. What do you do if you’re a saver, and you’re married to a spender? Or maybe your husband is such a saver that he thinks basic necessities are luxuries (Kleenex? Who needs Kleenex? Toilet paper or paper towel works just as well!).

Add Christmas to the mix, and wallets can become awfully tight.

I also know many of my regular readers are currently dealing with unemployment, or with lower than expected earnings. And so life is especially tough.

My husband and I have lived through every sort of money issue: there were times we had hardly any income at all, and there have been times when we haven’t had to worry about money. We’ve budgeted every last penny, and we’ve splurged. So let’s look at three different money scenarios where conflict can occur.

1. You Have Enough Money to Meet Your Basic Necessities, but You Don’t Save Well

Let’s talk about the basic problem with money in this scenario:

When we have money, we tend to spend first, and then, after we’ve spent, asked ourselves where the money went. Savings usually comes after spending.

We may even do this when we’re budgeting. We figure out what we need for food, and rent, and utilities, and gas, and then we add that all up, and whatever is left over we save.

The savings always is calculated last.

But is savings really our last priority? What if you need to get out of debt in two years? Or what if you really, really want to be able to purchase a house, or renovate your kitchen, or pay for a child to go to school? What if you know you’re going to need a new car in two years?

Chances are that kitchen renovation and that new car (even if it’s a new used one! Those are the only kind we buy) are higher priorities than “entertainment” or other things on your budget list. So here’s what we started doing early in our marriage:

The tithing and the savings comes off FIRST. Before we did anything else.

As soon as we get the paycheque, money is moved into a savings account or an investment account right away, automatically. Even our tithing and giving is done that way; our church now has direct deposit, and the other charities we support are on automatic deductions. So these things are paid for first.

If the savings just sits in your regular account you’ll likely touch it, and it will be difficult to tell how much you have. So move it over! You can open a savings account of course, but in Canada we also have “tax free” savings accounts where you can stow away up to $5000 a year, and the investment income it earns is tax free. In the U.K. they also have individual savings accounts that operate the same way (I’m not sure about the United States or Australia; leave a comment and let me know)! You can choose an investment ISA, or here’s the best cash ISA in 2013. These are great vehicles because the money is put aside, it’s still relatively liquid (meaning you can get it out quickly), but you don’t have to pay tax on the interest. I’m not talking about retirement savings accounts where the money earns income tax free; that’s something separate, and also important. But you shouldn’t use a retirement account for shorter-term savings, so you’re going to need something else.

I’ve heard it recommended that you ALWAYS save 10% of what you earn, and you ALWAYS tithe 10% of what you earn, so you ALWAYS live on 80%, no matter what your income bracket. That’s what I’m raising my kids to do, too–save and tithe off of the bat, and if it becomes a habit, then you just always do it. Of course, the 10% is a minimum; you can choose to give more and save more. But you must always do the minimum, no matter your income, and you’ll find that you don’t run out of money.

Now, if we know our savings is paid for, and we know our tithing is paid for, it really doesn’t matter where the rest of the money goes. If we spend too much on hair cuts this month, that’s okay. If I splurge on Starbucks, that’s okay. As long as I’m not running up a credit card bill, and I’m paying everything off in full, it really doesn’t matter what I spend in each category as long as my savings and givings objectives are met.

I never could do that envelope thing, where you spend only a certain amount in each category. I always had too many categories! But what I realized was that if I did the savings first, then it didn’t matter.

This can also avoid a lot of marital fights over where the money is spent. “You bought what tool!?/!” “You stopped at Starbucks again?!?” If you both now your savings obligations are met, then if you each splurge it isn’t as big a deal.

The big caveat to make this work: spend cash. If you spend on credit card or even on debit you often don’t know how much is in the account, and it’s easy to wrack up bills. So I firmly believe in spending cash, I just don’t think that we have to divvy it all out into different categories if we’re already meeting our spending and giving goals.

2. You Don’t Have Enough Money to Meet Your Obligations

Of course, you still must have money in the bank to meet your mortgage obligations or your utilities. You could be going through a period where you just can’t even meet those “must meet” obligations because of unemployment or too much debt. If you’re in a position where you can’t pay the rent, and the mortgage, and the utilities, then you’re in a rough spot. If it’s only temporary, that’s one thing. But in the long run that’s untenable, and creates so much stress. You don’t want to always be paying off one credit card with another, because eventually that will come crashing down.

We all have images of where we want to be financially: we want a house, we want a car, we want certain furniture. Perhaps that just isn’t possible right now. There’s nothing wrong with living in an apartment for a few years to save for a house–even if it means selling your house now. Lots of people grew up in apartments (I did!) and they turned out okay.

I know people who have gotten into worse and worse situations because they just won’t sell their homes and downsize. To them it feels as if they’re failing their kids. Their kids need a big house, and so they can’t leave it.

What your kids really need, though, is stability and an example of responsibility. It isn’t failing to have to downsize. It’s just being responsible. And look at all those little homes that were built right after World War II. They’re tiny–many less than 1000 square feet. And yet lots of families raised 4 or 5 kids in them. That was normal a generation or two ago. It’s okay to go back to yesterday’s normal. Perhaps yesterday’s normal had something going for it–when the house is tiny, people tend to hang out in the living room, so there’s a lot more family time!

Then, when you’re downsized, you can start saving again for your goal of a bigger home. But there’s no shame in living within your means. You’re actually teaching your kids valuable lessons. I know there’s the added complications of moving out of school districts, or leaving friends, but please, don’t risk bankruptcy over maintaining an ideal of what your family should be. And if I could offer a suggestion that sounds radical: move to a smaller town if you have the kind of work that is transportable. Honestly, small towns are so much cheaper. If more people got out of the city perhaps they’d realize how high the cost of living is in many urban areas.

3. You Want to Save, but Your Husband Spends Too Much

The above two scenarios assume that you’re roughly on the same page, and can agree to a savings strategy. But what if you’re married to someone who spends a ton, and won’t agree to save?

This is a tough one and my advice would depend on how dire the situation is. If he is putting you into so much debt that the family’s future is in peril, seek help. Find a mentor couple to come alongside you. And–and I often don’t advise this, but it may be necessary in this case–get separate bank accounts. See if you can get him to agree to having the main family bank account in your name only so that he can’t touch it, and then give him an account where he can have control of some money, just not all. I am a big believer in joint bank accounts, but there is a time where it is not wise.

If he just won’t save, but he isn’t actually endangering the family, then how about talking to him like this, and suggesting, “Honey, how about we figure out what’s reasonable to spend on the household each month, on food, and medicine, and toiletries, and things like that, and then I get that money at the beginning of the month to do with as I please, as long as the house doesn’t run out of toilet paper. Good idea?” Then you have that money, and if you’re really frugal, you can stick what you don’t spend in a savings account. You can become a super shopper, knowing that every dollar you save at the grocery store goes towards your savings goals.

One last rule: like everything in marriage, communication is key. And communication around money is more difficult because we all have different attachments to it. So if you’re going through a difficult conflict about money, work on your friendship first. Try to laugh together. Take walks after dinner and talk. Keep doing fun things together. When there is a foundation of goodwill in the marriage it’s easier to tackle these things. When there’s only conflict, these things have the power to drive us apart.

I have a ton more I’d like to say, but this post is already really long, so I’m going to stop there. But why don’t you chime in–what do you do when you’re on different pages about money? What budgeting technique has worked best for you? Let me know!

For more info about this post, see here.

Related posts:

Who Should Be in Charge of the Money?
Why Are Struggling Young Families Paying for Wealthy Seniors?
We Need to be a Nation of Savers

Wifey Wednesday: Understanding the Higher Drive Spouse: Bread or Tomatoes?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up your own post below.

Today’s Wifey Wednesday is a Guest Post is from The Mrs. over at Spice and Love, who writes from the perspective of a higher-sex-drive wife. I thought some of  you may appreciate her perspective!

A few nights ago my husband I were lying in bed falling asleep when he suddenly said, “You know, sex in marriage, for me, is like tomatoes on sandwiches.”

Photo Credit: http://runka.com

My mouth literally fell open there in the dark.

See, here is the thing. I consider myself a sort of amateur foodie. I like to eat it, I like to make it, I like to read about it, I like to savor it. I will almost always go the extra step in making my food go from just okay to amazing. My husband enjoys good food too, but not enough to go out of his way to make something amazing. Like tomatoes, for instance. He really, really enjoys them on his sandwich. But not enough to do the work of getting them out of the fridge and slicing them to put on his sandwich. If they are sitting there sliced he will always get them. Or if I am making a sandwich and ask him if he wants tomatoes, he will always say yes. But if there are no tomatoes on his sandwich, he is okay. He can still enjoy it.

As I lay in bed I felt like a huge lightbulb had gone off. I finally understood exactly how he approaches our marriage bed. I began to laugh. “Babe”, I said, “Sex for me is like the bread. Without the bread, it’s not a sandwich.”

I am pretty sure his mouth fell open then.

Because here is the deal. I think he thought that sex was like tomatoes to me, too. I like them enough to always want them on my sandwich, and I will always do the work to get them and slice them. I don’t understand how he can eat a sandwich without them if they are available. But the truth is that sex to me is NOT like a tomato. Because a sandwich without a tomato is still a sandwich. But marriage without sex? Not marriage.

It was such a helpful conversation. I realized that he does enjoy sex when it is offered and available, but feels like our marriage can still be acceptable without it (not completely without it, but just not as often as me). He realized that sex for me is crucial to our marriage – as in, if we aren’t having it often, I struggle to feel married.

Being a “spicy wife” in a culture that screams out I am abnormal is so challenging. And it’s challenging for my husband too. But, thank God, we are learning after almost seven years of marriage how to finally start communicating about it. So what about you? How do you see sex?

Praying today that God gives you and yours the perfect way to communicate, so you can see through each other’s eyes.

Annabel has been married to the love of her life since 2006. She blogs about love, marriage and sex from the perspective of a higher-drive wife at http://spiceandlove.wordpress.com. Annabel loves all warm drinks, well-written books, and being a foodie. 

Do you have any marriage thoughts to share with us today? Like up the URL of your own marriage post in the Linky below!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: What Comes First? Sex or Friendship?
Wifey Wednesday: What is Appropriate Sexual Release?
Wifey Wednesday: Getting Over Your Husband’s Sexual Past

What Do You and Your Husband Have in Common?

Christmas is the time of goodwill and joy and cheer, and yet I know for many people it’s also a vivid reminder that your life is perhaps not going as planned. When everything around us is joyful, it’s that much more of a stark contrast when we are not.

And so I have asked Poppy Smith, author of Why Can’t He Be More Like Me?, to guest post about a difficult time in her marriage today.

The advertisement for a marriage seminar caught my eye. It asked the question, “What do you and your husband have in common?” An anonymous woman had scrawled across it in red ink, “We were married on the same day!”

I burst out laughing. But early on in my marriage, I probably would have burst into tears.

My American husband, Jim, and I met in Nairobi, Kenya. I was twenty, lonely, on the rebound from a broken relationship, and had no family in the country. My parents had returned to England because my father’s tour of duty with the Royal Air Force had ended. Instead of going back to England with them, I decided to stay.

Shortly after that I met Jim. He strode into the small, English church I had attended since becoming a believer three years earlier, and all my female senses went crazy: Who is this man? Is he single? Is he passing through town or is he going to be here for a while? How do I get to meet him? Well over six feet, dressed in a tan, tropical suit, Jim’s physical appeal oozed out of him. The fact that he pulled out a small Bible and joined in the singing only heightened my determination to find out who he was.

Two years later we married in the same church. Arriving in America six weeks after the wedding, Jim began a rigorous five year surgical training program. When I did see him, he was exhausted. Sleeping and studying filled what little time he spent at home. When we talked, we clashed. Issues we’d never seen as potential problems tore at our relationship: different backgrounds, opposite perspectives, and incompatible personalities. Neither of us knew how to respond to the pain we both felt.

In my early twenties, unhappily married and with no family or friends to turn to, I wanted out. My dream of living an exciting adventure as a newlywed in my adopted country had become a nightmare. I was more lonely and miserable than ever.

Crisis Point

After several years of constant blaming and fault-finding, ping-ponging between frustration, rage, and depression, I came to the end of myself. I was emotionally exhausted. Instead of my incessant pleading with God to change Jim, the Holy Spirit impressed on me “Poppy, look at yourself.”

What I saw wasn’t pretty. But it was the best thing I could have done. My attitudes were not loving or kind. I was not patient. And I allowed my negative thoughts to influence my mood which produced my less than godly reactions and words.

Moved by the Holy Spirit, I sobbed “Lord, please change me. I have become someone I never wanted to be—bitter, angry, sarcastic, and hurtful. I need You to touch my mind, my moods, and my mouth if I am to ever become the woman You want me to be”.

Did this miraculous transformation happen overnight? Did God wave a magic wand, suddenly turning me into a sweet, submissive wife who never disagreed with her husband ever again? Nope. In fact, the inner transformation I needed is still going on decades after that crisis point. But change has happened.

How about you? What does God want to change in you and your marriage? He will go to work when you invite Him to keep working in your heart, attitudes, and actions (Phil. 1:6).

For practical helps to understanding yourself and your husband, check out my newest book, Why Can’t HE Be More Like ME?

Poppy Smith inspires women to grow spiritually, emotionally, and personally through her inspirational Bible teaching and books. To know more or invite Poppy to speak, visit her at: www.poppysmith.com

Related posts:

Encouraging Email from an Older Reader
My Response: What do You Do When You’re “Unequally Yoked”?
Wifey Wednesday: What Does Submission in Marriage Mean?

Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

Note: my blog tour for 31 Days to Great Sex continues today! You have chances to win at The Generous Wife and Comfy in the Kitchen! Head on over to read some reviews from both of those sites!

Are you ready for Christmas yet?

I’ve got some big things, but I often leave little things, like stocking stuffers, until the last minute.

And I’ve had a lot of women email me asking, “do you have any ideas for stocking stuffers for husbands, if you want to show them some real love?”

So a while ago I asked the question on my Facebook Page: what are great stocking stuffers for husbands? And I decided to compile a list! So here we go:

Under $5

1. 31 Days to Great Sex – $4.99

What man isn’t going to like getting a copy of 31 Days to Great Sex? It’s my ebook that I’ve just released, and it takes you through 31 days with short readings and then a challenge to help you grow more intimate, communicate more, and spice up your love life!

But how can you give an ebook in a stocking? Well, great news! I’ve got coupons now that you can download and print out to put right in there. There’s a link in the book that takes you right to the coupons, but you can find them here. Here’s a very small version of one of the coupons:

He’ll love it! You can buy it either on Kindle or as a .pdf (read on your iPhone, iPad, any ereader, computer, or print it out!).

2. Love Coupons – FREE

Speaking of “special” coupons you can give him in your stocking, I’ve got some other downloadable ones you get free when you sign up for my marriage newsletter!

3. Pocket Constitution – $1.50

On a totally different note, if you have a liberty-loving American husband, he may love a pocket constitution! Just something small you can easily carry around to remind yourself, and those you’re talking to, what the limits of government really are.

4. Packs of Gum – $1.00

Everybody loves gum! Give him something he’ll think is a treat.

5. Chapstick, package of 3 – $3.94

Get 3 tubes of the original Chapstick–the manly one. No girly lip balms; just the black chapstick tube!

6. Original Wizard Game – $4.99

Is your husband into card games? This one’s awesome! It’s kind of like a much more complicated, but addictive, euchre. Play with 3-6 people, but it’s wonderful for having another couple over. If you want to start doing more social things this year, with less reliance on video games and movies, try Wizard! It’s our favourite.

7. Pocket Screwdriver – $4.40

Comes with several attachments, but you can carry it in your pocket! Very handy.

Gifts $5-$10

8. Small Wind up Flashlight.- $9.50

Great for emergencies! Keep it in your glove compartment. This one’s on sale from $25 down to $9 at Amazon right now.

9. Old Spice classic aftershave – $6.50

You can’t go wrong with Old Spice!

10. Beef Jerkey – $7.99

For the guy who loves beef jerkey–even if you worry about the salt content! Let him live it up a bit at Christmas.

 Gifts $10 – $20

11. Keychain Tweezers/Can Opener/LED light combo – 10.74

What a cool keychain! You get tweezers and a can opener and a handy light, and it’s all compact, in one place. And it’s on sale now for half off, under $10!

12. Travel Alarm Clock & Flashlight (in one!) – $14.10

So handy for the guy that spends a lot of time on the road. It’s an alarm clock and a flashlight in one!

13. Gift Cards

Pick up a gift card to Starbucks, or Amazon, or iTunes. If he’s a guy who loves Starbucks but who feels guilty spending that much on coffee, give him a gift card so he has your blessing! Or give him a gift card to fill up his Kindle or iPod.

If you’re Canadian, remember that you can get great gift cards at CardSwap! Gift cards for ALL major retailers, but get about 10% off!

14. Boxer Shorts - $16-$20

Does your guy need some new underwear? Get him an attractive collection of boxers that you think he looks great in–and tell him!

15. Men’s Briefs – $16-$20

If your guy is more of a briefs man than a boxers man, get him a collection that’s colorful, too!

16. Facial Hair Trimmer – $12.48

Okay, most men don’t like to admit it, but once you hit a certain age, hairs keep growing. And they don’t stop! Here’s a handy but inexpensive trimmer for those hairs that keep sticking out.

Gifts $20 + up

17. Bluetooth Headset 28.00

I love it that my husband has one of these, because it means we can talk on the phone easily, even when he’s commuting from work! So handy.

18. Men’s Thinsulate Gloves – $21.49

If you live somewhere where it’s cold, get your man some thin but warm gloves. Great when filling up with gas, when taking pictures outdoors, and any time you’re taking a walk!

Now, what ideas do you have for stocking stuffers? Leave some in the comments! Let’s get creative for our men this Christmas.

This post contains affiliate links which help offset the cost of this blog.

 

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: What Do You Do for Christmas with your Husband?
My Three Gifts of Christmas
Cookin’ Something Up for Father’s Day

Reader Question of the Week: How Do I Prevent My Teenage Sons from Using Porn?

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week, a mom writes in asking about preventing porn use:

My husband grew up in a Christian household, he was the youngest of three brothers in the house. He started using porn from a very young age. The parents would occasionally find the porn (magazines and VHS back in the day) and it was a slap on the wrist. He and his brothers have all struggled with porn use into their marriages. My husband and I are proudly on the better end of it.

My question is we have two sons, with today’s technology what should I do to ensure porn doesn’t become a struggle in their lives? I can explain until I’m blue in the face what effects it will have on their future wives and marriages. Any ideas?

What ideas and tools do you recommend?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Mom needs help with sons!
Reader Question of the Week: Respect the Line, Please
Reader Question of the Week: Are We Captivating our Husbands or Competing for Them?

Compensating for Something

The blog tour for 31 Days to Great Sex continues today! Battle for a Great Marriage has a wonderful review out, and Chronic Marriage has a Q&A with me about how intimacy works when you have chronic health concerns. J from Hot, Holy and Humorous has a Q&A with me, too, about what it was like writing the book. Head on over to those blogs, where you can also enter to win!

Today’s Friday, so it’s time for my syndicated column! But a few things first.

I really need to thank you all for the kind comments on yesterday’s post about my experience with the Huffington Post webinar. I was completely blown away. I was out of the house on errands most of the day and so I wasn’t watching them come through, and then when I got home and saw them all I was overwhelmed with the support.

I feel in some ways like I’ve come full circle since my “mini-meltdown” online, as I like to call it, at the end of October. I’m much more at peace with what I’m doing, and I feel energized now that I realize that this is my main ministry. And the way you all reached out to me yesterday was just wonderful. Thank you. I wanted to reply to each comment but by the time I got home there were 60! Maybe I’ll get around to it today.

Second thing, and this one’s an announcement.

For those of you who have been reading my columns on Fridays and enjoying them, I now have a book version of them available! I’ve collected 90 of my favourite ones spanning 2005-2012, and they’re available in paperback, in .pdf, or on Kindle. It’s called Another Reality Check, and it has your favourites on marriage, parenting, homemaking, social issues, holidays, and more! I sell them quite a bit when I speak at conferences, and people say what they like is that they’re quick reads, so you can pick the book up and put it down.

I’ll have more on it later, but I do have a special on until Christmas. Normally the .pdf/Kindle version will be $7.99, but until Christmas it’s $4.99. And the paperback version is $15, shipping included. Check it out here (paperback/.pdf) and here (Kindle) (the Kindle sale pricing hasn’t kicked in yet, but hopefully it will this morning!).

And now for today’s column:

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column talks about your parenting styles as a couple.

You’ve heard of ‘helicopter parents’: the parents who hover over their children, protecting them from any possible harm or hurt feelings, well into their university days. Then there are the ‘snowplow parents’, the ones who run ahead of their kids and plow away any possible obstacles, whether it’s mean teachers or a hockey coach who wants to bench them or a neighbourhood child who won’t play with them. Then there’s the ‘tiger mom’, the super-disciplined, mean parent who pushes their child to succeed at everything. An A isn’t good enough; you need an A plus.

Magazine reporters love analyzing all these different parenting styles. What can be overlooked, though, is that one family can have both a tiger parent and a snowplow parent. In fact, often the snow plow parent creates the tiger parent, and vice versa. We’re compensating for something.

When two people have children, it is very unlikely that both individuals share the same parenting philosophy. After all, they grew up in different families with different styles. They have their own personalities and experiences. And so they value different things. In general, then, one parent will tend to value discipline, structure and responsibility, while the other parent will tend to value creativity, spontaneity, and affection. So let’s put this more permissive parent on one spectrum, and the more authoritarian parent on the other.

Do this thought experiment with me: what would happen if both parents started out as a ‘10’ on opposite scales of 1-100? He’s a 10 on authoritarian style parenting, and she’s a 10 on permissive parenting. Both are quite close to the centre; neither is extreme at all.

But she sees him enforcing boundaries and setting rules and being ‘harsh’, and she thinks, “oh, my goodness, my poor babies will be scarred for life!”, and she becomes even more permissive. And he sees her letting the kids get away with things, as long as everyone’s having fun, and he thinks, “oh, my goodness, my children are going to be drug dealers,” and he becomes even harsher.

Ten years later, instead of being 10s on their respective scales they’re now 50s.  They’ve compensated so much that they’ve become far harsher, or far more permissive, than they ever wanted to be. It’s a vicious cycle.

In so doing they’ve pushed their spouse further away, likely to the point they each think the other’s crazy (and they may have a point). They did all of this unwittingly, but with very good intentions. They wanted to be good parents.

Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to assume the worst in our spouse or partner because it’s all too easy to assume the best in ourselves. We tend to think that our way of looking at the world is the only right one. We understand what these kids need; when others don’t get with the program, they’re obviously off their rocker.

Compromise, though, isn’t such a bad thing, because let’s face it: kids really do need both structure and love. Love without discipline will wreck a kid, but so will discipline without love. We’ve had times in our marriage where I was sure that Keith was wrecking our oldest daughter’s self-esteem, and we’ve had times when Keith thought I was letting our youngest get away with murder. We both had a point. But kids are amazingly resilient; I have made so many mistakes in parenting, but overall they know they’re loved, and they know they have security. They have both love and structure. Perhaps if we gave our spouse (or even our ex-spouse) more grace with parenting, we’d both end up closer to the middle. And that middle is usually better for everyone.

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Related posts:

The Most Worrisome Time of the Year
You Can’t Have Love without Respect
Are Kids Worth It?

Sex Is Emotional, Whether We Admit it Or Not.

Well, I had quite the interesting day yesterday! And I’d like to tell you the story, but before I do a few housekeeping issues:

Read on to the bottom of this post because I’m going to announce the winners to last week’s giveaway! And the blog tour for my 31 Days to Great Sex ebook is continuing with The Alabaster Jar today. She’s got a great review up, so head on over!

A few weeks ago you may remember that The Huffington Post contacted me to ask if I’d do a live webinar about 50 Shades of Grey. They wanted to discuss whether it was good or bad for marriage, and they had found one of my blog posts arguing that it hurts marriage. I guess I did a good job, because yesterday at the last minute they contacted me again.

Here was the subject: a little while ago a Huff Post editor wrote a post on the 15 kinds of sex she had in her 20s. Things like barter sex, or quick sex, or whatever. Then a woman named Rachel Hollis wrote a response, saying she only had one kind of sex in her 20s, and it was amazing, because she was married. Rachel did a really great job; you should read her article here. One line that particularly caught my eye was this:

This list makes it sound like an impulse purchase, like, “Girl, we’ve all made these same bad choices, no big deal.” But we ALL haven’t made those same choices and some of us think sex IS a big deal.

I completely agree with her!

So we were going to discuss that on the webinar: what makes amazing sex? Having one partner, or having lots of them? And they asked me.

For the rest of the morning before the webinar I was going around the house saying to my girls, “how do I get myself into these things?” Because really, who wants to argue the “Christian” viewpoint in front of an audience that all thinks it’s ridiculous? But I kept praying and saying to God, “I don’t care if this doesn’t sell any books and isn’t about publicity for me. I just want someone in the audience to know ‘it doesn’t have to be this way’“. And I guess there’s value in that, right?

Because I honestly began to question that value by the end of the webinar. The other four guests were the twenty-something woman who wrote the original article, a former porn star, a “sexologist”, and a guy who writes a magazine for people in open marriages. I’m not kidding. And there was little ole’ me, saying, “I’ve been married since I was 21, and I’ve been married for 21 years, and sex is amazing.”

Anyway, in such a situation you don’t get a chance to talk that much. But I think I did get some points out. I seemed to be able to frame the debate for the first half, anyway, when I said that sex is about so much more than just the body, it’s also supposed to be deeply intimate. And it’s the intimacy that makes it great.

The other guests mostly didn’t like that. And near the end of the show the former porn star said that the reason so many women regret their sexual encounters is that they have this mistaken idea that sex has to be emotional, when it doesn’t. So I asked, “are you saying that sex isn’t emotional, that it’s only that way because women think it is?” And she said that this is what our culture teaches, and we need to teach young people that it doesn’t need to be that way, that you can make sex what you want it to be.

A little while later I mentioned that during sex our bodies actually produce oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, but several snorted at that.

But think about that for a minute: the prevailing consensus in our culture is that the reason people feel guilty over having casual sex partners is because WE have made sex into something emotional. They honestly don’t believe that it IS something emotional.

Another great line from the webinar: the woman called “Cinnamon” said, “you can achieve intimacy with someone you met in a bar, or you can achieve intimacy with someone you’ve been married to for twenty years. You can have intimacy with lots of people.”

I’m almost crying as I type this. Think of the scars that people carry around when they truly believe that! They’re deluding themselves, and they don’t even know it. They think they’re so enlightened and so hip and so cool, but they’re so EMPTY.

This is what we live in the middle of! It’s awful. And I feel like I need a shower after all that.

Intimacy is such a beautiful thing. It is a gift from God. And it is something which, by the grace of God, I am so grateful to say that I share only with my husband, now and til death do us part.

You can watch the train wreck of a webinar here, or click below. I still think I did do some good, but let me ask you: should I keep doing these things? Or is it pointless? Let me know!

Now, for some winners! Last week I was doing a Card Swap raffle for a $50 gift card, and the winner was Carla! I’ve contacted her by email. Congratulations, Carla!

On the same post I said I’d pick three comments at random and they would receive a copy of 31 Days to Great Sex. Those winners were Beth, Alicia, and Ann, and I’ve sent them their books this morning. Thanks so much for commenting and reading, and I hope you all keep enjoying 31 Days to Great Sex (because great sex is sex with our HUSBANDS, because it truly is intimate and emotional. So there!).

So tell me, in the comments, what would you have said? Even if you didn’t watch the webinar, how do you respond when people around you say, “sex doesn’t have to be emotional”? Because that is truly what our culture believes, and we had better have an answer!

Related posts:

Emotional Affairs–The Dangers are Real
Stepping Outside My Bubble and Telling the World About Marriage
Reader Question of the Week: Can You Get Over Adultery?