Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 255

Wifey Wednesday: Sex is Great!

Today’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts in the linky below! And I’d encourage you to read a lot of those linked up posts–many of them are just awesome. I’m going to save some to feature in an upcoming link roundup. You all are so smart!

This is a big week here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, because the book form of my blog series the 29 Days to Great Sex is coming out tomorrow–although this time it’s the 31 Days to Great Sex! I’ve completely rewritten it, addressing it to couples and not just women, taking out four of the days that worked on a blog, but not in a book, and condensing some other ones. The rewrite took longer than I thought it would because I had to change way more than I thought I would. But I am so pleased with the results! And you can get your hands on it tomorrow.

On Monday I put up two themes for potential book covers that I had to choose between. It turns out that I’m going to go with something different, after getting the feedback. Though it received the most votes, I didn’t like #1 (the one with the heart) because it didn’t say “sex” to me–and the couple wasn’t even touching.

The other one was my favourite (and pretty much every guy voted for that one, incidentally), but I decided that I didn’t want other people’s faces on the cover. My designer is looking at ways to make that one better, and I hope you like it!

But in the discussion about the covers reader Denise wrote this on Facebook:

1 and 2 is what you would see in a Christian bookstore, 3 and 4 is what you would normally see. I am leaning on 4 because God created sex and we as Christians should be having fun with our spouses.

Her comment was echoed by others. But some women did say that they wouldn’t purchase a book with #3 or #4 (the one with the flirty couple) because it was too raunchy. Now, I totally understand not wanting to purchase it if you share a Kindle account with your kids. I do get that. But I’m just a little uneasy that we’re still so hesitant about sex.

Ladies, let’s be honest here for a moment: sex is supposed to be fun! And what I have to say really needs to be said face to face, so here’s a video of me saying it:

This isn’t about which cover you liked; I think #1 was a lot brighter, and that’s the one I initially liked, too. Just after thinking about it for a bit I thought it gave the wrong impression. It could have been a book about conflict resolution, or romance. It didn’t say “sex”.

No, the problem that I’m having today is that we as Christian women are often so focused on being “proper” that we forget that Jesus wasn’t all that proper. He ate with sinners and prostitutes. He enjoyed life.

Are we so focused on modesty that we forget to have fun and enjoy our husbands? I hope not. And if we do fall into that category, then I really pray that my 31 Days to Great Sex can give us all a fun new attitude about our marriage.

Do you realize that the more that we clamp down and don’t talk about sex at all, the more we give the world the chance to decide what great sex is? What if we became evangelists for amazing sex as God intended? What if we started talking more about the fact that we aren’t ashamed of sex, and we do enjoy it–we just believe that it needs to be in its proper context.

Yes, sex is just supposed to be something between us. It isn’t supposed to be splashed on a movie screen or up on billboards. But let’s not forget that when it is between two married people, it is a very, very good thing, and nothing to be ashamed about. There’s a fine line there, and it’s hard to stay on the right side of it. But I hope that we don’t run so far from that line, in our fear of being improper, that we sacrifice an abundant marriage.

Okay, that’s my soap box for today. Let me know: do you think that the quest to be “proper” can go overboard? Do we give the wrong message? Or do we weaken our witness if we become too worldly? What do you think?

And woo hoo! Tomorrow you’ll be able to buy the 31 Days to Great Sex!

And if you have a marriage post you’d like to share with us, just link up the URL in the linky below.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Why Is That All He Ever Thinks About?
Wifey Wednesday: Wedding Night Disasters
Wifey Wednesday: Invest in Your Marriage

Can God Really Transform a Marriage?

Many of you are crying out, “God, do you see how much I’m hurting? God, I can’t go on like this very much longer.”

You’re married to men who are addicted to alcohol, or porn, or work. You’re married to men who don’t know Jesus. You’re married to men who aren’t very nice to you.

Joy McClain recently wrote the book Waiting on His Heart, where she details her journey through fighting, disappointment, embarrassment, and even legal separation before God intervened. But she never stopped praying. Here’s her story in a touching video:

(Full disclaimer: I just want to say that if you have kids, and your husband is scaring them and punching holes in walls, you really need to get help and get out, just like Joy did!).

I asked Joy to write an article of hope for my readers, and she graciously wrote this:

I was a wife willing to stay, keep my vow, no matter what. I desired a good thing – a Godly marriage yet, I failed when that desire became a demand I placed on my husband who chased an elusive mistress. Hers was the promise of escape while she spoke longing lies into the heart of my man. He was locked in the prison of addiction while I was held captive by my pain. I certainly wasn’t thinking about the work that needed to be done in my heart.

If you are waiting for your husband for whatever reason, first of all, I validate your sorrow. I know it is extremely hard but none of your tears or prayers will be wasted. There is great value in your waiting, praying, hoping and surrendering. God desires to work in your marriage but it begins with you.

Truths to consider while you wait:

What does love look like in this situation? For a wife in a difficult circumstance it’s vital that she continually ask the Lord for wisdom. The fog of hurt clouds judgment; seek wise counsel and prayerfully make decisions that align with God’s Word. If there is any physical abuse of any kind – get away from the situation immediately and get help!

Remember that God is working even when you don’t see it.  It is impossible with your limited knowledge and sight to see all that God is doing to draw your husband to him. You might not see evidence of conviction for years. That doesn’t mean that God isn’t pursuing him. Remember that God has an eternal perspective.

If your husband isn’t saved, don’t expect him to act like it. You can’t believe the movies he’s willing to watch or the language that spews out of his mouth. He doesn’t like to go to church and becomes agitated when you bring up anything to do with God. Darkness doesn’t like light that exposes the sin. If he doesn’t have a relationship with Christ, he doesn’t have the Holy Spirit to help him discern. His eyes are not open and his ears do not hear. Pray that the blinders would be removed from his eyes.

We are called to be peacemakers, as much as possible, with everyone. That doesn’t mean we don’t stand up to sin or hold people accountable. But be careful how you treat his family. Be cautious with information you share with others. No matter what – be respectful of your husband as a person. You can love the sinner and hate the sin without disrespecting the sinner. Guard your mouth carefully around everyone – especially your children.

Don’t allow despair to be your identity. Often when we’ve dealt with a particular hardship over a long period of time we can tend to grow comfortable in the sorrow. We know what it is to live in that place of hurt and the reaction we get from others as they feel for us. It is important to have your real wounds validated, but you don’t have to remain there. Don’t allow this trial to be an excuse from life!

Have a right theology. Wondering why God allowed such a mess, thinking it isn’t fair to have hardship or loss is bad theology and will tilt your perspective of Sovereign God. God hasn’t disappointed you, man has! God is the one constant in your life. In all of time, if anything wasn’t fair it was piercing the hands and feet of a totally innocent man for your vile and evil sins. Repent from having bitterness toward God – ask Him to give you a right perspective of His love for you.

Grieve your loss. I understand the pain and truth of lost time. While you don’t want to remain in that grief, it is necessary to realize you have been affected deeply by things you could not control. Unpacking those hurts one by one helps you to move forward. It doesn’t mean you forgive and forget, but rather you forgive and chose to move forward.

We are called to extend mercy. When one has a repentant heart and asks for forgiveness or when they are no longer able to request it, we should extend mercy.  Whatever the case, remember that God has first, extended mercy to you by offering His son on the cross. We are shown mercy and given grace while we were still sinners. Your husband’s offense is not only against you, it is sin against a Holy God.

Don’t let bitterness take root. The enemy will gladly entice you in believing that you deserve returned love, that you deserve to be treated fairly. The enemy hates relationships, especially the relationship between a husband and a wife. Don’t allow those thoughts to consume you; bitterness will destroy you. God is a righteous God and He will deal with the sin. Even in the times we are called to take action and take a stand, God will ultimately be the one to deal with that person in their disobedience.

Be willing to examine your own heart.  Perhaps the most important lesson! God wants to do a work in your heart! He doesn’t want to leave you where you are – He loves you too much. He wants to increase your faith, your reliance upon Him and your love for Him. Be willing to allow God to transform you!

In my book, Waiting for His Heart, Lessons Learned by a Wife Who Chose to Stay, my husband’s addictions are the backdrop. The main focus is how God used a long and heart-wrenching season to bring me to the point where I desired Him above all else. God loves you and He hears your cries! He longs to draw you close, filling you with His supernatural peace. No matter what your circumstance, no matter if your situation never changes – God is there, He is your constant, the steady hand underneath your days.

Thanks, Joy!

Find Joy at A Passionate Pursuit of Joy.

Related posts:

The Mercy House–Miracles in the Making
Wifey Wednesday: The Root of Marriage Problems–Selfishness
Heather Mills and her $42 Million

31 Days to Great Sex is Almost Here!

I’ve been working to get it ready before Christmas, and it really looks like I’ll have it out this week–probably Thursday.

It’s the 31 Days to Great Sex!

After so many of you participated in my 29 Days to Great Sex last winter, and asked for a book form of it, I thought I really should put one together. But it took longer than I thought because I didn’t realize what a major rewrite it would be. I decided to make it for couples, not just for women, so I had to change quite a bit. And then I took out four days that were really only relevant for the blog, added a few more to make it 31, and then condensed others. So it’s quite different (and a lot better, I think!).

It will be available as an ebook, either in a .pdf file which you can download and read on any book reader or on your computer, or for the Kindle (and eventually for the other readers, too).

Today I have to make the final decision on the cover, so I’m hoping you all will help me. What do you think?

If you start clockwise at the top left, and go around, which one do you like best? For instance, top left is 1, bottom left is 4. Vote in the poll, and then leave a comment saying that you voted, and then I’ll pick two random people and they’ll win a copy! Oh, and if you’re wondering, the difference between 1 &2 and 3&4 is really the fonts.

Want to make sure you don’t miss the launch or any offers with it? Just sign up here. But I’ll be writing about it a ton on this blog, too.

Which Cover Should I Choose

In the meantime, there’s been some great discussion around here lately. On this blog we’ve been talking about grandparents who don’t honour your authority with your kids. Chime in here. And over on Facebook we’ve been asking two questions: do you explode when you’re angry, or do you give the silent treatment? And what do you think about early marriages? Check those out, too!

I really appreciate all of our discussions, and the feedback on the cover from you all. Have a wonderful Monday!

Related posts:

29 Days to Great Sex Day 29: Party for Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
29 Days to Great Sex Day 15: What is Foreplay?
29 Days to Great Sex Day 14: When You Don’t Want to Make Love

Reader Question of the Week: Respect the Line, Please

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week, we have a reply from our reader, who asked last week’s question.  Also, we have a new question after that, be sure to read and respond!

Reply from Brother’s Keeper:

I would like to thank every single lovely person who took the time to respond to my question.

It is amazing how I have gone from feeling very alone and vulnerable to feeling very supported, as a result of your posts.

The main thing I would like to thank you all for, is for giving me perspective.  This situation has been going on for so long now, that my attitude towards my husband has definitely been more on the nagging side, rather than from the perspective of a supportive loving wife (which is how I started out, but I will be the first to admit I have let our marriage down by not continuing with this approach).

To answer a few of your questions:

1.        My husband believes in God, but does not attend church.   This is another area that we are working on at the moment, as it is something that I believe a husband and wife should do together to set an example for their child

2.        My mother-in-law and I have quite a good relationship, and she is a very active part of our daughter’s life.  I don’t believe that my daughter should be deprived of a grandparent because of my personal issues.

3.        The brother’s wife does not work –her children attend day care. 

4.        Yes, I work my $300 per week job, not so much to “make ends meet” but so that we can get ahead.  This is my version of “squirreling away” money, because I pay it off debt, or put some aside for a home loan deposit.   This money has paid back nearly all of the debt that was left from the bankrupt client, so I am happy to be able to support my husband in this way.

I am fortunate enough to work from home in my job, which means that my child does not have to attend day care.

5.        We live in Australia, where the hourly rate for the job that the brother does is $20 per hour for someone who provides their own tools and car.

6.        The brother does not have any illness / disability. He is 30 years old.

7.        My husband is very non-confrontational.  He prefers to stick his head in the sand and hope the problem goes away. 

8.        My husband is a very loving man, devoted father and hard worker.  This is our only source of conflict, and therefore I do not wish to leave the marriage.

Again, I would like to thank you all for your support.  I have immediately revisited my approach towards my husband – lots of praise, cuddles and just general “newly wed” things that have slipped away over the last year or so.

I will continue to hold my $300 per week job, as I feel that it is my contribution towards not just our future, but that of our daughter. 

I will continue to pray and pray and pray, and for now, I am going to “zip my lips” about the brother.  My husband is very clear on where I stand on the matter, and so now I am going to give him a few weeks to work on it himself before I bring it up again (this time in a loving, kind and supportive manner).

I have gently suggested again this evening that we attend church together.  He said “it isn’t his thing”.  I explained that we have friends who regularly go to church and their marriages seem to be very strong, and they have also had the support of the church during tough times.  He still stuck to his guns.     

Wish me luck! 

This week’s question is a struggle many of us have–how do you deal with extended family undermining your authority with your children?

How do you set boundaries with in-laws regarding how they treat your children? My parents-in-law live 20 minutes from us. They consistently undermine my authority with my daughter and don’t stick to the schedule I’ve given them when they baby-sit her.  They allow her to misbehave and tolerate behavior that we don’t put up with in our home.

What boundaries do you suggest? How would you handle it?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Brother’s Keeper
Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
Reader Question of the Week: How Do I Spend My Time?

When Does Childhood End?

Hello, Unveiled Wife readers! If you’re here for the first time, a great place to start is either my round up of marriage questions post, or my 29 Days to Great Sex!

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s column is about the importance of raising our children to be independent adults.

Last week, our first trick-or-treaters were a pair of thirteen-year-old girls equipped with massive pillow cases but somehow missing costumes.  Nevertheless, we handed over the required candy and they moved on.

I noted this on Facebook, and thus launched a long conversation about whether or not it’s appropriate for teens to trick or treat. My philosophy was always, “if you’re old enough to have a part-time job, you shouldn’t be hitting up your neighbours for free stuff.” But I certainly give candy to all who ask. I do enjoy talking to the neighbourhood kids, and it’s one of the few times of year when you feel like a real community.

Nevertheless, I’m slightly unsettled by the cheerleading for the “no age limit on trick-or-treating” crowd.  One commenter said this, “They go to school until they’re eighteen, so they’re children until they’re eighteen. Let them be children!”

And therein lies my problem. It’s not really about Hallowe’en; it’s about how our culture views those teen years. Are teens children until they’re eighteen? Or, to put it another way, at what age do we expect kids to be adults? If we want them to be adults when they’re eighteen or twenty, able to live in an apartment and buy their own food, then they can’t be children until they’re eighteen. They need a transition period. I hear people complain all the time about their twenty-somethings who won’t grow up and won’t get a job and make very poor relationship decisions, but if you don’t give them that transition time when they’re teens, it’s only natural that they would prolong it into their twenties.

Cater to a teen by feeding them, doing their laundry, chauffeuring them, handing over money, and making their lives easy and they’re not magically going to become a responsible adult at nineteen. Some may, but it’s rare.

Of course we parents love our kids and want to shield them from the difficulties we face. Sometimes, though, we go overboard and forget that we can kill with kindness. After all, is it kind to teens to prolong childhood and avoid responsibility? Our culture tends to think that being entertained and responsibility-free is the pinnacle of human happiness, yet I have felt the most pleasure in my life not in those moments when I have been a responsibility-free bump on a log, but instead when I have accomplished something worthwhile. Having purpose is valuable, in and of itself, and too often we prevent children from having these experiences because we think that they really are children right up until they leave home.

We need to get back to viewing the high school years as a true transition between childhood and adulthood. You are no longer a child, so childish things should be behind you. Do your own laundry. Learn to cook seven meals so that you can eat something different each night of the week when you’re on your own. Get a part-time job to pay for your own iTunes and electronics and some clothes.  Get your own bank account and start a budget. Pay for your own cell phone, and research which plan is most affordable. Research careers, because you’re going to need to figure things out soon—since you aren’t living in my basement forever.

Pointing teenagers to the route to independence, maturity, and purpose isn’t being stingy, even if it may mean that they have to leave some parts of childhood behind. It’s how we grow up. And if they don’t grow up between fourteen and eighteen, then they likely won’t grow up until at least their mid-twenties. Is that really what we want?

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

Related posts:

Childhood Should Not Be Eternal
Disappearance of Childhood
The Disappearance of Childhood, Part 2

The Genders Shouldn’t Be at War

In war, just like in elections, one side loses, and the other side wins. You don’t get a draw.

This election season was filled with gender wars, which is pretty typical of what happens in our culture as a whole. Women love beating up on men; we say that they’re inferior, that we’re superior. We change Winnie the Pooh so that future editions will have Christopher Robin as a girl. We change the school system so it’s more about cooperation and teamwork–where girls thrive–and less about competition–where boys tend to thrive. And then we wonder why boys tune out.

And in this great article on Redbook, Aaron Traister watches TV sitcoms so  you don’t have to and explains the ridiculous portrayal of TV dads. They’re pathetic. They’re unmanly. They’re incompetent.

Why do they portray them like that? It must be because women like it. If women didn’t watch it, they’d stop. Ratings are what matter in TV, after all.

But let’s think about this for a moment. Do you want to live in a world where boys don’t succeed in school? Do you want to live in a world where boys watch TV and realize that being a dad means you’re a wuss?

When we make men out to be inferior, we all lose.

I have two daughters. I want them to marry men who can support them, and men who want to be strong dads. Our society is working hard to make sure that this doesn’t happen, because our society wants girls to succeed.

I’m not saying it doesn’t go the other way, too. Do we really want to live in a world where girls are simply sex objects? Do we want to live in a world where everything is sexualized–even politics? Men lose out there, too. How do they find a wonderful woman to raise their kids if women are only sex obsessed?

The gender wars are stupid. They assume that because I’m a woman, I’ll support my team. But my team is not made up of just women; my team is made up of the women I love and the men I love and the men I hope in the future to love (when my daughters find them!). It doesn’t do me any good to push men down.

I’m sick of these gender wars. Women are not superior to men, and men are not superior to women. We are different, yes. We tend to like different things. We tend to communicate differently. We tend to want slightly different things out of relationships. But the beauty is that it all fits together perfectly. So let’s work at fitting together, not in pushing down. That’s healthier for everybody–even TV dads.

So I’m taking this pledge:

I will not fight the gender wars. When I hear other women badmouthing men, I won’t participate in the conversation. I will steer it elsewhere. I will say nice things about my husband.

Will you pledge with me?

Related posts:

Why Gender Matters
The Upper Hand
Happily Ever After Generation

Wifey Wednesday: We Need the Family More than Ever

Today’s Wednesday, the day when we normally talk marriage.

But today’s also a serious day. I know many of you who read this blog are extremely disappointed in the election results last night (and, if you’re like me, rather surprised). Others of you are thrilled.

Happy or sad, though, there’s one aspect that I’d like to look at.

I think that we have a tendency to believe that our problems can be solved by putting the right leader in place. We see things going downhill, and we want to stop the slide–or at least slow it. And so our attentions go to that end.

But let me tell you a story. Back in the days of the Roman Empire the Christians were a persecuted minority. Then one day a massive plague hit Rome and its vicinity. People would abandon the sick in their homes and flee, fearing that they would catch it. Many people were left by their families, helpless. And then the Christians came in. They started to care for the sick. They organized rescue parties to check out the houses to make sure no one needed help. At great risk to themselves, they saved thousands.

Their reputation became known even to the emperor, and it slowed the persecution substantially. It wasn’t long after that that Emperor Constantine was converted, and Rome became Christian.

The Christians acted as salt in the world. They were a minority and they were hated. The culture didn’t agree with them on anything. And yet they were still able to make a real difference in people’s lives.

And one of the reasons that they were able to make that difference is that they had strong families. They had networks of people to care for them when they were sick, which freed up resources to go and help others. They were connected to their families, and families in turn were connected to the Christian community, so they were a body able to lend a hand. Many of the Romans fell into trouble because they weren’t connected at all. Their families were tenuous. The bonds weren’t strong. When life was good that was fine; but when life was difficult, they had no one to turn to.

My dear readers, Democrat or Republican, conservative or liberal, I believe that you will all agree that we are living through a period when the family is losing strength. Fewer and fewer people are marrying. Those who do may divorce. And many who now marry don’t have children. Last night, the majority of women in the American electorate were single for the first time ever. Families are losing.

What happens when the family loses? Europe happens. Europe is imploding today largely because they stopped having children, and they stopped forging close bonds. Do that, and who do you rely on in a crisis? The government. Thus the government grows, the family shrinks, and people become more and more dependent.

That works for a while, but government can’t visit you in the hospital when you’re sick. Government can’t take you in when there’s a hurricane on the coast. Government can’t sit with you when your child is sick and reassure you that everything is going to be okay. We need family. We need community.

And we can’t have a strong community without first having strong families.

It is through a strong family that we can be salt of the earth, not through our government. No matter how great our government is, it cannot address the true heart issues. I am not saying that government doesn’t matter; I do believe that we should put effort into electing leaders that will steer the country in a positive direction, and avoid major pitfalls. But in the end, it is family that matters most for the health of a nation.

Over the next few years the world is going to be sorely tested. The debt will start to impact the financial markets and inflation will likely happen. Unemployment is likely to stay high, especially as Europe continues to implode and we feel the repercussions of that. The Middle East is a tinderbox right now. It is not a safe place.

And so we need, more than ever, to have strong families. We need a buffer from the storm, and that is why God gave us each other. We need to commit to loving our families, commit to nurturing and growing our families, and commit to showing others what a true community looks like.

Two thousand years ago the Christians were able to do that because they loved each other, and through that love they were strong enough to help others.

I know many of you are shocked and disappointed today. May I encourage you to look around at those you love, because in the end, it is our families who will determine our future, and the future of our nation. It is through having a strong family that we will be able to be salt to this world. Even if we do not approve of our leaders (or even if we do), our emphasis must always be on growing families who love and cherish each other, and who reflect God’s love to the world.

It is your family who will buffet you in the storms that are coming. It is your family that will be with you in any dark times. It is your family that will make those dark times seem bright.

That’s why I’m in marriage ministry. I truly believe that to save our culture we must first save our families. If we turn back to commitment and love and responsibility in the family, that will have an impact on the wider community. We will be able to be salt. But we can’t do that if we don’t first stress our marriages, our kids, and the small community in which we live.

To my American friends, know that this Canadian has said many prayers for you over this long night. And one of those prayers has been that America will turn back to family.

UPDATE: Here’s a picture I just created for Facebook which sums up part of what I was thinking last night. Our world is in God’s hands. Let’s let Him take care of it, while we take care of what is in front of us.

If you would like to leave a link to a marriage post in the linky below, please do so. Politics has now past, at least for a time. Let’s concentrate our energies into building relationships that will last.

Related posts:

Thoughts on Being Salt in the World
The Left Right Divide
Wifey Wednesday: Carelessness is not an Option

Be Great Parents. Gross Out Your Kids.

Praying and thinking of America as you vote today!

And praying and thinking of your families, too. Kids benefit when they see parents who are affectionate towards one another!

Today I’ve got a post up on Roo Mag that encourages you to do just that–Pucker Up!

And here are some others you may like:

How to Keep a Healthy Sex Life with Teens in the House

Sex After Parenthood: 17 Ways to Make it Happen

Talking to Your Kids about Puberty

Teaching Your Kids Appropriate Relationships with the Opposite Sex

7 Ways to Raise a Teen Who Won’t Date Too Young

Like this? Don’t forget to Pin It!

If you want more romance in your marriage, grab a hold of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

Related posts:

Teaching Your Kids Appropriate/Healthy Relationships with the Opposite Sex
Great Expectations? Do We Expect our Kids to Fail?
Works for Me Wednesday: Talking to Kids About Puberty

What the Lena Dunham Ad Tells Us about Attitudes Towards Sex

Tomorrow America votes.

I won’t vote. I’m Canadian. And so I don’t really feel like I should chime in on the election. I know people who read this blog fall into different political camps, and that’s all right. My main role is encouraging marriages, and it’s one that I want to take seriously.

But there is one thing that happened during this campaign that so fits in with exactly what I was talking about in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and I feel like I would be remiss not to talk about it. I don’t want to address this as a political issue, but more as social commentary.

I’m sure most of you have already heard of the infamous Lena Dunham ad. If you haven’t here it is:

Regardless of your political affiliation, I do hope that we can all agree that comparing voting to losing one’s virginity is disgusting and disparaging towards women.

But here are four things I want to note:

1. This ad assumes that girls WILL lose their virginity before they’re married

2. This ad assumes that lots of your partners will be jerks

3. This ad assumes that anyone who doesn’t want to lose their virginity is seriously strange and geeky

4. This ad is sanctioned by those who are extremely culturally powerful.

Why even say, “you should do it with a great guy” unless you know that OTHER times may not be so great, so it’s important to make your “first time” special.

And then Dunham throws in how it is super uncool to say, “No, I wasn’t ready.” The analogy is here is to say that one wasn’t ready for sex is also super uncool. Get it? Cool people have sex with someone they think is also cool.

I find this absolutely disgusting.

At least a few decades ago we all agreed that sleeping around indiscriminantly might be something that people did, but they didn’t talk about it. They didn’t promote it. There was still lip service to waiting until you were married.

Now there’s not. The President of America is saying that it is super uncool to say, “no, I wasn’t ready.” I realize that they were talking about voting, but the whole premise of the ad is comparing voting to sex. And so to say “I wasn’t ready” is silly, in their minds. And that’s coming from the highest level of our culture. I wonder if he has shown this ad to his daughters?

We are now in a situation where the most powerful citizens of the United States are making fun of girls who won’t lose their virginity. We are living in a culture where the most powerful will mock those in their late teens early twenties if they decide they don’t want to sleep around.

I find this absolutely heartbreaking.

Interestingly, teen sexual activity is actually lower today than it was when I was a teenager. Kids are fighting against this culture. But it is a fight.

And when we lose that fight, the results are so sad. I have written at length on this blog about the dangers that sexual baggage can bring to a marriage. I have written about why God knew what He was doing when He said, “wait until marriage.”

If there are ads like this out there, targeting young women, we need to be even more vigilant and encourage our own girls. Tell them it’s okay to go against the culture! Tell them no one ever regretted waiting; many, many people regret not waiting. Tell them sex is so much better in a marriage context.

I do agree with Lena on one thing: Your first time should be with a great guy. I just also believe your first time should be with a ring on your finger.

If your first time wasn’t, and your marriage is still affected by that, my new ebook that I hope to release first thing next week, The 31 Days to Great Sex, will help you and your husband deal with that baggage!

Related posts:

The Changing Culture of Manhood
Demography and Destiny
Dear Young Christian Guys: Love Her Like a Man

Reader Question of the Week: Brother’s Keeper

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week a reader shares about an extended-family entanglement.

My husband & his younger brother used to own a business together, however when one of their clients declared bankruptcy, the younger brother left the business, leaving my husband with a $50,000 debt.

The younger brother then realized going out on his own with no tools or equipment wasn’t going to work, so he came back to work as an employee of my husband.

The brother is bad at managing his money & regularly asks for advances on his pay (which he rarely pays back) and my husband has given him several pay increases to help him cover the cost of living when he & his wife expanded their family.  As a result, the brother earns $275 per day, and he claims this isn’t enough!  I only earn $300 per week in my job.

Anyway, there are many examples of my husband giving his brother money, his brother taking money when we haven’t given him permission to do so, and their mother always saying that we should keep the brother employed.

It has gotten to the stage where the brother is earning more than we are from our own business, yet he supplies no equipment & doesn’t even have a car.

I have tried several times to talk to my husband about it, I have prayed on it, yet the situation is getting worse & I am now starting to resent my husband, which is awful because I know he is only doing this because he cares about his brother.

We have a young child of our own, and we rent – we will not be able to buy any time soon because of the financial situation we are now in.

How can I get my husband to see that his brother needs to stand in his own 2 feet, and that he now needs to look after the interests of his own wife and kids?

What advice would you give in this sticky situation?

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Clean Standards
Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
Reader Question of the Week: Wait, He’s Watching THAT?