Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 257

Do Not Deprive Each Other Part II: What is Regular Sex?

What’s the minimum I can get away with?

That was my brother-in-law’s question in university. He was taking courses he needed to pass, but he knew that in the long run it didn’t matter if he passed with a 65 or a 99, as long as  he passed. So he figured, why put it in the effort to get a 99 if a 65 will do? And he spent his weekends with his fiancee and working at a part-time job. Today he’s got a great job and no one looks at his university transcripts. He made the right decision.

But this question–”what’s the minimum I can get away with“?–only works in certain circumstances. It may have been fine in a school setting; it is not fine in a marriage setting.

Yesterday we began our look at 1 Corinthians 7:5, which says:

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

And I said that often in Christianity the answer isn’t clear cut. What does “do not deprive each other” mean? I argued that it does not mean that a spouse is   obligated to have sex each and every time the other wants. It does not mean do not refuse. It means do not deprive, and they are different things.

So yesterday I was arguing for self-control. Today I want to argue the other side: for loving whole heartedly. And perhaps it’s easiest to define what something is by showing what it is not:

1. “Do Not Deprive” Means Sex Can’t be a Weapon

The phrase “do not deprive” implies that there should be a healthy level of sexual activity–and that this is a legitimate need. I can’t deprive someone of the latest iPhone, for instance, but I can deprive them of oxygen. The iPhone isn’t a need, so it’s silly to say “do not deprive” in that context. But oxygen is a need.

If I were to say, “don’t deprive your child of affection”, you would think that this means “don’t withhold affection from your child”, because you know your child needs affection. So it’s not right to keep affection from them in the hopes that this may inspire them to do what you want. Affection isn’t something that can be used as a weapon. You can’t withhold it to teach your child a lesson, or to get something that you want, because it’s something that they need.

Similarly, you shouldn’t deprive a child of food, because that is a legitimate need. To use food as a weapon, then, is wrong.

I would argue the same thing applies when it comes to our sex life. This isn’t something that is optional in marriage. And it isn’t something that should be minimized or used as a weapon, either. This is something that is part of an “abundant life”. With your children, for instance, you want to shower affection on them, and make sure you have great meals together. We should be thinking along the same lines with sex: we should be showering our spouses with sexual attention, and we should be making sure we have great times together.

And those great times should be regular, not doled out infrequently, like crumbs. You don’t give your child crumbs off your table; you give them the best. And so your spouse should get your best, too: your best energy, your best time, your best attention. Sex isn’t like the icing on the cake–something that you add at the last minute which is fun, but not necessary. It’s the oil that keeps the engine going. You can’t ignore it or minimize it.

2. “Do Not Deprive” Means the Goal is Not Compromise

Here’s one that may be difficult for some to hear.

Often when there is a low libido spouse and a high libido spouse, people get into fights about how often we should make love. And we try to compromise. But does that really work? Let’s say that one spouse wants sex once a day and one spouse wants it once a month. Do you compromise and say once every two weeks?

Compromise can only work if both parties agree that sex is an important part of your relationship, and that both agree that it should be regular and frequent. Then compromise can happen. But if one would rather not have sex at all, and one wants it all the time, then compromise won’t result in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is only possible when both spouses believe that sex is important.

3. “Do Not Deprive” Means the Goal is the Maximum, not the Minimum

If we believe that there is a healthy level of sexual activity, then, the correct response is to focus on “how can I best embrace sex in my marriage?” It’s not, “how can I keep my spouse from bugging me.” It’s “how can I agree with God about how important this is?”

In order to fulfill the “Do Not Deprive” admonition, you’ve got to first agree with God that sex is important and good and intimate. It’s not just about saying, “Okay, I’ll never turn you down. We can do it whenever you want to,” even if you mean “I’ll just lie there and you can use me.” It’s about saying, “I want us to experience this together and feel close.” It’s about being an active participant.

All of which brings us to our last point–

4. “Do Not Deprive” Means that the Goal is Intimacy, not Just Release

If sexual release were the only need, and if sex had nothing to do with anything else, God could have designed a different way for us to get that release. After all, our other physical needs can be met on our own: we breathe on our own; we can eat on our own. And it is possible to obtain sexual release on our own! That, however, is not what God designed us for. That’s what God designed marriage for. Sex is about more than release. God created something that is truly intimate. The danger with depriving is not just that people will become sexually frustrated–though this definitely plays a part; it’s also that we’ll lose out on important intimacy.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

Now, for many people that’s difficult. Maybe sex is painful, or you have other problems with sexual function. That’s okay! Take some time and deal with these things, with the goal of developing a healthy sex life. Maybe sex just doesn’t feel that good yet, or maybe you have trust issues or anger issues in your relationship. Work through whatever roadblocks you have to a healthy sex life–because this is something that is important in your marriage. And if you don’t know where to start, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex can help you overcome some of these roadblocks and find true freedom and intimacy.

Sex is a beautiful thing that should be a major part of our marriage. Don’t deprive your spouse, but don’t deprive yourself, either.

Yesterday I argued that do not deprive was not the equivalent of do not refuse. Today I argued that do not deprive implies that we embrace sex wholeheartedly. Tomorrow I’ll try to put them both together and come up with a healthy balance!

 

Related posts:

What Does 1 Corinthians 7:5–Do Not Deprive Each Other–Really Mean?
When Your Spouse Withholds Sex
29 Days to Great Sex Day 28: Is Selfishness Undermining Intimacy?

What Does 1 Corinthians 7:5–Do Not Deprive Each Other–Really Mean?

The most common conflict when it comes to sex in marriage is about frequency: one spouse tends to want more sex than the other, and this leads to the higher-libido spouse feeling unloved. Why doesn’t my wife want to show me love? Why doesn’t my husband desire me? Then this starts a vicious circle where the other spouse thinks, “is that all they want from me? Am I just an object?” And it goes downhill from there.

Often in Christian circles, when things start spiraling down, someone will pull out 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, which says:

 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NIV)

I’d like to spend a few posts this week looking at what these verses mean.

Let me start by sharing some stories with you. One woman wrote me last week, saying,

Last week my husband was away on business for five days. We usually have sex about 4 times a week. After he came home and we had the kids in bed, we started kissing and I [began to make love to him]. He stopped, because he was upset that I wanted just sex, and didn’t want to [please him in other ways first]. I was only interested in what would make me feel good, and not interested in how he liked to feel good.

This woman, who is making love with frequency with her husband, has been told that she is never good enough because she doesn’t like the sex acts that he does. And she isn’t supposed to deprive him, he says.

In the comments to my post on “Sex Should be Mutual“, one man wrote this, in response to my saying that men need to be sensitive when a wife is recovering from childbirth or is having our periods:

Paul tells us “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Cor 7:5)

The period of abstinence after pregnancy and during the wife’s period is not by mutual agreement so that the couple can devote themselves to prayer. It is being forced on us men because we are being told to give our wives a break.

Since the husband did not agree to stop having sex, the wife can’t either, he claims.

And that’s my point of contention today: too often these verses are used as weapons, which makes sex into simply an obligation. Here’s how I replied to this man:

God does not ask us to love Him without first loving us. It’s mutual. And sex should be mutual, too. God created it for women as much as for men. And when we start saying, “men need sex and can’t last five days without it, so women need to service him,” we make sex into something very transactionally based and obligation based.

That is no fun.

I believe that most things in the Christian life are not cut and dry. We live in constant tension, and indeed, the Bible is in tension. Is it grace or works? Is it justice or mercy? Is it free will or predestination? None of these things has easy answers; the truth is always found in the middle, after struggling. And that struggling is important, in and of itself. We’re supposed to wrestle with God on the hard questions.

And so I believe that these verses include some wrestling. So today I’m going to wrestle with one side of it, and then I’ll wrestle with the other tomorrow before coming to a conclusion on Wednesday.

First, let’s note what this verse does not say. Paul did not write:

Do not refuse one another, except by mutual consent and for a time…

He wrote do not deprive.

Deprive is not the same as refuse. I believe many people interpret this verse to mean refuse. Are women obligated to have sex every time a man wants it? Are we ever allowed to refuse?

Well, let’s look more closely at deprive.

If I were to say to you, “do not deprive your child of good food,” what am I implying? I’m saying that your child should get the food that is commonly recognized for good health: three healthy meals a day, with some snacks. I am not saying that every time your child pulls at your leg and says, “Mommy, can I have a bag of cheetos?” that you have to say yes. You are not depriving your child of good food by refusing a request for Cheetos.

Deprive implies that there is a level of sexual activity that is necessary for a healthy marriage. And, to extend the food analogy a little bit, this doesn’t mean that we should be aiming for the minimum, either: for instance, life in concentration camps proved that you could keep people alive with one meal a day at 800 calories. But that is NOT healthy. So we shouldn’t be aiming for the minimum; we should realize that there is a level where two people can feel intimate and close, and that is likely quite frequently.

But it does not mean that it is every single time a person wants sex.

The fact that the preceding verses say that the husband’s body is the wife’s, and the wife’s body is the husband’s, implies that one person cannot and must not force himself or herself onto the other person. And by force I’m not talking about just physical force. There’s emotional blackmail, there’s shutting down, there’s telling someone, “you’re just not good enough”. There’s acting like the man in the first email, who was upset because his wife preferred mutual intercourse to the racier things that he wanted instead. And he took it out on her.

Let’s assume that it’s the wife with the lower libido for a minute (though it certainly isn’t always) and look at it this way:

If her husband’s body belongs to her, then she has the ability to also say, “I do not want you using your body sexually right now with me.” If she feels sick, or is really sad, or is exhausted, then her having ownership of his body also means that she can say, “I just can’t right now” without needing to feel guilty–if she is at the same time not depriving him.

I believe that the admonition “do not deprive each other” refers to the relationship as a whole, not to each individual moment. So if, in the relationship as a whole, you are having regular and frequent sex, then if one of you says, “not tonight”, that is not depriving. That is simply refusing for right now.

There are many commenters who have said that a wife doesn’t have the right to refuse according to this verse, because she would be depriving him. To this I would print this comment from reader Kelly:

Yep, some of the comments you read by men on these marriage websites are precisely why Christian women are beginning to advise each other not to risk marrying a Christian man! (I’m not kidding). Look, guys, here’s a quick lesson in the blindingly obvious: there’s no quicker way to make sex unappealing to your wife than by demanding it, regardless of how she feels. No better way of making yourself unattractive and frankly repellent than by sexual coercion. No no effective way of losing your wife’s respect – she wants a real man, not some oaf (because if you can enjoy sex knowing the other person isn’t enjoying it, there’s something very wrong with you). And really, no one past the age of 14 should need telling that. Of COURSE, a sexless marriage has problems that need addressing. Of COURSE you should ask if you want more/different sex to be happy. Of COURSE you can explain to her why sexual rejection hurts. But here’s a little clue (again from the ‘stating the obvious’ files): why do I enjoy nothing more than making love with my husband? Why can I not keep my hands off him? Why am I keen to give him pleasure even if I’m occasionally not in the mood or unable to participate myself? Because, while making it obvious he finds me desirable, he also wouldn’t WANT to have sex with me unless I was an enthusiastic participant. Because he can’t stand the idea of it being a one-way experience.

And I would echo what Kelly said at the beginning of her comment: in conversations with men, I have often found that it is the non-Christian men who are more giving and tolerant of their wives than the Christian men. Too many Christian men think they have the right to demand sex whenever and wherever because of this verse. And it is not true. That is ignoring the mutuality of the whole context of that passage.

There is a difference between refusing occasionally and depriving someone habitually. Tomorrow I’ll look at it from the other side–our obligation to have regular and frequent sex–and then I’ll try to put forward a balanced approach.

For now, though, what are your initial thoughts? Have you ever heard this verse used as a weapon?

Related posts:

Revive Your Marriage: Revive Your Sex Life
Wifey Wednesday: What You Are NOT Responsible For
When Your Spouse Withholds Sex

Reader Question of the Week: Holiday Extended-Stay

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week a reader asks an important and timely question regarding company coming for extended periods of time during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.

Can we discuss long term visitors interrupting daily routine and private time for husband and wife?

How do you handle this in your home? What works for you?

Don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman!

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Clean Standards
Reader Question of the Week: Wait, He’s Watching THAT?
Reader Question of the Week: Help! We Live with Extended Family!

Special Offer, Neat Links, and more Fun Friday Stuff!

Hello everybody! After my mini-meltdown online last Friday, I’m feeling muchos better. In fact, I’m heading off to speak at a marriage conference with my husband this weekend, and then I’m heading down to the Pennsylvania area next week to speak. So I’m back on my feet.

My Column

But one thing that came out of last Friday was that sometimes the audience for my weekly column–an opinion column that appears in secular newspapers–is not the same as the audience for my marriage blogs. I’ll still post it here if it has to do with marriage and family, but today’s is about politics, and how the “Cool” factor (or voting for the coolest politician) is highly overrated. I posted it on my main website instead. Want to read it? It’s right here.

A Big Special!

A number of you wrote me last weekend to encourage me, but several women also said that they had wanted to buy The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but were embarrassed to pick it up in a Christian bookstore. And embarrassed to buy it on Amazon because there would be a record of their order.

I hear you. So this week, until October 26, I have a deal on, where for $15 you can get the book, postage included. Just head on over to my store and click “Add to Cart”. Then you can pay either with a Visa or Mastercard, or you can pay with Paypal where you can use any credit card or your bank account. You get those choices on checkout.

Here I am explaining the special:

Get the special here!

Cool Marriage Links:

Over on my Facebook Page a number of people linked to this great article by Danoah at Single Dad Laughing, who I actually quoted at one point in my book! He has a post on 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage. Very profound. I wonder what the points would be if it were a woman writing the post? If you have any thoughts, leave them in the comments here!

The blog Fancy Little Things has an interesting 72 hour challenge. Do you think you could do it?

Don’t forget Cheri’s Holiday Ready Heart challenge! If you dread the holidays, with all the work that they entail, then it’s time to get your heart ready to celebrate.

And since we’re linking my YouTube videos today, here’s an older one: Do you feel alone in your marriage?

4. My Question

Last night I asked on my Facebook Page: do you share bank accounts? Why or why not? I’m thinking of writing a post on this, so if you have any thoughts, leave them in the comments!

There’s my Friday round-up. Hope you have a great weekend!

Related posts:

Monday Musings
Neat Links You May Have Missed
Neat Stuff You’ll Love

Little Things That Humble Me…

1. The Wimp Factor

I took my car in for an oil change yesterday. I’m driving to Pennsylvania for the Allume blogging conference next week, and I have several speaking engagements along the way, so my car needed to be in tip top shape. But lately my tires have been losing air really quickly. And no matter how many times I fill them up, they still leak. So I asked the guys to take a look at them.

Turns out the reason they leak is because I don’t put the valves on tightly enough.

Guess I’m wimpy!

2. The Prayer Factor

The other night my husband and I were having rather a heated disagreement, and it didn’t seem to matter what we said, we just kept hurting each other. Then, in the middle of it, my husband got down on his knees by the bed and said a simple prayer out loud.

We kept talking, but I was able to see his point of view. He was able to see mine. And we came to an agreement rather quickly.

Why do we try to do things without God so much?

3. The Amazement Factor

This comment came through the website the other day:

I am so thankful for this series! My husband and I have been…married 10 years. We had 2 children and lived together for 4 years before we married. Marriage was an after thought. I had many misconceptions about marriage, sex, and intimacy. I was raised that sex was dirty and disgusting…I am so thankful that the Lord found and saved my husband and I in September of 2005. He has done so many wonderful things including healing alot of the pain and bondage that held our marriage at arms length. My husband has recently been really pushy about asking me what I wanted in our sex life and I was so uncomfortable telling him. Even though I thoroughly enjoy making love with him I just couldn’t talk about it with him and I didn’t know that I could feel connected to him on a deeper level. Sex was purely physical. I knew that he needed it and that I was just going to have to deal with the fact that I would never connect with him that way. WHAT A LIE FROM THE ENEMY! I started praying (really praying!) that God would help me to be the wife my husband needed me to be and I happened across an article (it was totally God) about 16 ways to flirt with your husband. I started reading the rest of the articles and went through them all in 2 days! I have talked to my husband about things in the past few days that I never thought I would or even could. I realized that there is nothing wrong with me and that we can have that connection. Sex is NOT dirty and I am allowed to enjoy it! We have already had more intimacy in the past 2 days than we have in a long time! We have understood more about each other and have realized that things are worth talking about even though it’s uncomfortable. I cannot thank you enough for this wonderful God given gift that you have shared with us and how you have changed our lives forever! BTW we never really took the wedding seriously (even though we really loved each other and definitly wanted to be married) and we didn’t have a honeymoon but I have a feeling that this coming year that will change and we will renew our vows! Very excited about whats to come!

That comment, combined with the almost 400 (!) that you all left last weekend after I had my mini-breakdown online, meant so much to me. It has helped me to see that God is really using me online. That this is a ministry. And the thought that God could take my words and use them to actually help people is really humbling to me. And I did love the 29 Days to Great Sex! (The ebook the 31 Days to Great Sex is almost ready! I’ll be launching it in a few weeks).

So there you go: I’m wimpy. I need God. And sometimes He uses me anyway.

I think that’s a good place to be. And I’m just taking deep breaths right now, and trying to really FEEL that, because I’ve been awfully hard on myself lately for not living up to my own standards. Maybe I ought to just take a step back and let God set those standards, eh? (that’s the Canadian coming out in me!)

UPDATE: Okay, so I wrote about the tire incident on my Facebook page and learned that there is a difference between VALVES and CAPS. It turns out that when you fill up a tire you screw the caps back on, but the valves are different. So it wasn’t my fault! I’m not wimpy! All I am is ignorant.

So I’ll have to change my conclusion to this: I don’t know everything. I need God. And sometimes He uses me anyway.

Related posts:

29 Days to Great Sex Day 2: Starting Fresh
Marital Success is a Matter of Attitude
Resolving Conflict with Your Spouse

Wifey Wednesday: The Key to a Successful Marriage

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I put up a post, and then you all can comment or link your own post up in the linky below.

I’ve been battling the stomach flu all week, and so I don’t have time to write a long post. But since a picture is worth a thousand words, I thought I’d post this:

I take you for better or worse…even if the better comes after the worse.

Discuss!

And if you have a marriage post you’d like to share, just leave the URL in the linky below.

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Beautifully Imperfect
Wifey Wednesday: Knowing His Love Language
Wifey Wednesday: Successful Sex for Long Distance Marriages

Should You Marry Someone Who Uses Porn?

Porn destroys marriage.

It rewires the brain so that what becomes arousing is an image, rather than a person. And it distorts people’s sexuality, so that we concentrate solely on the physical aspects of sex, and not on the emotional and spiritual connection. Not just that, but it can make us very selfish lovers, too. And so on this blog I’ve spoken out quite a bit against porn (and against the female version of porn as well).

Probably because of that I receive plenty of emails from women who are engaged, and one common theme I get is, “should I marry my fiance if he uses porn?” Because I get so many of these, I thought it may be useful to write the answer in a post.

When I receive emails from women whose marriages are in turmoil, 90% of the time that trouble was brewing even during their engagement. They saw warning signs but they ignored them. So you have to beware of red flags when you’re engaged! Just because you’re dating or engaged does not mean that you need to go through with a wedding if you feel reservations. Listen to God about it. Pray hard. And if you don’t feel peace, don’t do it.

But at the same time, I don’t think porn use should NECESSARILY mean that you call off the wedding. It’s really a matter of the heart.

In my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that around two-thirds of men (and one quarter of women) admitted to seeking out porn in the past, including a majority of pastors. So just because people have sought out porn does not mean that they will be horrible husbands. Lots of people have looked at porn, repented, and then tried to stop.

So there is a world of difference between someone who is tempted but who has fought the temptation and someone who has consistently given into that temptation and doesn’t feel like there’s anything wrong with it.

Here, for instance, are two letters where I would have very different responses:

We will be getting married next year but I find it hard to process that he struggles with porn. He confessed to me when we dated about his struggle but about how he’s tried stopping & desires to stop. we pray, fast, & talked to our pastor. It hurts so bad because in the time we’ve been together he’s viewed some things and i feel so betrayed. i know hes a good man and he fears God & this is a learned behavior from his chuldhood that has gotten him addicted. He doesn’t practice it often but in times of weakness he gives into it.

So what do we learn about this guy?

He’s struggled since childhood (which is quite common. A lot of guys are exposed to porn when they are so young, and they don’t have enough maturity to turn it off. And they fall into a downward spiral).
He confessed to his fiancee and he willingly told his pastor.
He is willing to pray about it, to fast about it, and to try to stop.
He still struggles and sometimes falls.

Here’s a man who is dedicated to stopping. He doesn’t want to be in bondage. And he is allowing others to hold him accountable.

Here’s letter number two:

I’m really worried and I don’t know what to do. When I was playing around on my fiance’s computer recently, I found a bunch of porn sites. I confronted him about it but he told me I was crazy and that it must have been a virus or his roommate or something. Meanwhile he will never let me see his phone, and he won’t let me on his computer anymore. He doesn’t like to have long conversations, and all he ever seems to want to do is make out. I really love him, but I’m worried that he has a porn addiction.

This latter letter sends up major red flags to me.

He doesn’t admit he has a problem.
He’s secretive.
He turns her questions back on her, instead of dealing with them.
He seems to have an unhealthy obsession with sex.

If a guy will not let you see his computer history or his phone, and you are engaged, then that’s a problem. Yes, we all need a little privacy, but before you make a decision to cement your life together with someone, you need to make sure that this man is who he says he is. And if he won’t let you see his phone, and is defensive if you ask him about porn, that’s a major warning sign.

If a guy isn’t into porn, he should be able to show you his phone. A guy who isn’t into porn will say to you, “I really wouldn’t do that to you, but I want you to trust me. I don’t want you to have doubts. So if you need to look at my computer to put your mind at ease, go ahead.” A guy who won’t admit that you may have a reason to worry is likely someone who would give you a reason to worry.

I find other red flags in this email, too–he isn’t interested in sharing his heart, for instance. But I do believe that a man who uses porn before he is married, and who is not honest about it and does not think that it is a big deal, is one who will continue to use it once he is married. And things ALWAYS deteriorate from there.

So many teen boys have been exposed to porn that to eliminate anyone as a potential mate who is tempted by it or who has sought it out is to likely eliminate 90% of the young male population. And let’s not forget that everybody struggles with something, and God is big enough to help those who earnestly seek Him to get over these temptations. The key, though, is that the guy must earnestly seek Him. Such a man will receive help; a man who does not humble himself before God will likely fall even further. A fiance who will not admit that it is wrong and will not willingly enter into some kind of accountability partnership with another guy is a danger sign.

In short: what matters is the heart and the attitude. If a guy is repentant, determined to stay pure, and dedicated to accountability, that’s good. If a man covers up sin, that isn’t.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

And I’d also direct people back to a column I wrote a while ago: the four things you need in a husband. One of those things: you must be able to pray with him. If you can pray about temptations with him, he’s likely a good guy. If you can’t pray with him, I’d tread very, very carefully.

What do the rest of you say? Have any of you had experience in this area? Let us know!



My book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, has a section on how to find healing after porn use, whether it was the guy who used porn or the girl. It looks like at how to experience real intimacy when making love, even if your view of sex has been distorted. There is hope!

Related posts:

Will Porn Be the New Smoking?
Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Make Love?
A Man’s Weakness

Why I Blog (And Why I’m Done Worrying About Marketing)

(Note: I scheduled a post for this morning about two weeks ago and forgot about it. It published, but I took it down because I wanted THIS to be today’s post. That first post has been rescheduled for next week. Sorry about the confusion if it turned up in your reader!)

When I was in the process of trying to get The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex published, I had a meeting with an important person in the publishing industry to talk about my chances. She told me, “I know an author who does very well writing on parenting. She has three kids, but she speaks forty weekends a year. Do you think you could do that?”

I took a sip of my Diet Pepsi to try to stall. And finally I replied, “No, I really don’t think I can. But I do have a plan to speak more but keep it manageable. And I have a plan to do more on the internet.” And I started telling her my plan.

But that conversation has always haunted me, because it is indicative of what is happening in Christian publishing today. Publishers are being very stretched with new ebooks and the internet. Their margins are getting much smaller, so they don’t want to take risks on any author who isn’t a sure thing. So instead of doing all the marketing themselves, they publish only authors who can generate the sales of a significant portion of their books, if not the majority. Most publishers won’t touch an author who hasn’t got a “platform”, no matter how good the book is. They have to be able to move it.

Is speaking 40 weekends a year the way to move books? It does work. But that author had three children at home, and they were in school full time. She didn’t see them much during the week. And then she was gone on the weekends. And she was supposed to teach people how to parent. (I don’t know who the author is; I was never told a name. I just know the story. And it scared me.)

I left that meeting thinking, I can’t do that. Because of this:

(They’re going to love that I chose THAT picture!)

And because of this:

When I was going through my mini-breakdown or crisis or whatever you want to call it over the weekend, that conversation came back to me. I must sell my books. If I want to be an author, and write books, then I have to sell enough of this one so that a publisher will give me another contract. If this one doesn’t sell well enough, I’ll never be able to write another. So everything is resting on this.

It used to be that a publisher would handle all the marketing, and send the author on a book tour, and take out glossy ads. That doesn’t happen anymore. In my case, Zondervan did a lot for me. But the weight of the responsibility for the sales I felt was still on my shoulders, because this was a make-it-or-break-it for me.

When I started blogging, I have to admit, I did it because I had to. I was told, you have to market your books. And so the blog became a forum to do that. If I wanted another book contract, which I did, I needed to have an online presence. So over years I built this up. And then I got the book contract. And then I had to sell the books.

I thought of myself as an author who blogs.

And it weighed very heavily on me. I blogged because it was a vehicle–I fully admit that. And I was never happy with it. I didn’t like having to market, and having to worry whether or not the sales were there. I didn’t like having to check numbers to see where I was, and try to tweak things. It was tiring. It was discouraging. It was draining.

And then when people started calling me judgmental, it just sent me over the top, because I already was struggling with what I was doing.

I wanted to leave everything in God’s hands, but I was told by just about everybody that you need to work hard to deliver the sales. You can’t NOT market, because your book will get lost. And so I trudged on.

Two things happened to me on Friday night, though. One was that through all your emails and comments I finally realized something: I am not an author who blogs. Perhaps, just perhaps, I am actually a blogger. I guess this is silly, and I should have known it, but it honestly had not occurred to me that my blog, in and of itself, was helping so many people. It honestly didn’t really register that perhaps God was using this blog.

And the other was that God told me, firmly and through several friends who emailed me, that I needed to let go of the responsibility I felt. It was draining me too much. And I needed to really learn how to trust. Throughout my writing and speaking, God has always opened doors relatively easily for me–especially with speaking. I’ve never really marketed myself; the requests just came. But somehow I have felt over the last two years that things were different. I had to perform. I had to get the numbers up. That’s how you play the game.

I don’t want to play the game. I want to trust God more. I don’t know what that will look like. But here are my thoughts:

I am going to think of myself as a blogger who writes, rather than an author who blogs. God is doing great things with this blog, and I am grateful to really see that. And so this won’t be a stepping stone, something I do because I “have” to. This blog will become my main vehicle for ministry, and I’ll think of it that way. Thank you so much, dear readers, for showing me that. I needed it.

I’m going to stop worrying so much if people react badly to what I write. I was always worried about turning people off–though that didn’t stop me from being opinionated! It just put me in a very difficult place. But if THIS is my main ministry, then I am going to share more about what God has done and what God is saying to me. One of my strengths in speaking, and the feedback I get, is that I am very authentic. I share stories, and struggles, and victories. I don’t hold back. I feel as if I have been holding back on this blog because I want to keep my audience, and for that reason perhaps I haven’t been as honest as I could have been. I want that to change. I’m not thinking of anything in particular, but rather just a vague fear that made me question myself. I’m praying through that fear.

Finally, I’m not going to stop marketing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, because it IS a great book. As much as you can get from this blog, there’s much more in the book. If I had had that book before I got married, I would have had a much better first four years of marriage. I know it has helped so many, and so I do need to get the word out about it. So I will still mention it!

What I won’t do is check my numbers. I’ve told God that I’m not going to check my Amazon stats anymore. Or my blog stats. Or any stats. I know that 300,000 people come here a month, but that’s it. I’m not going to look again, except perhaps in January where I have to set new ad rates. But I won’t be obsessive about it. I’m really going to put it in God’s hands.

I have taken too much on my shoulders, I haven’t trusted God, and I’ve been doing things in my own strength. That is what God revealed to me.

Christian publishing is a weird business. There’s a lot of pressure to do things that would actually undermine your personal mission in order to achieve sales. And many, many people at the top of their field in Christian publishing have very messed up personal lives. I don’t want to be like that. I can’t sacrifice my family for any of this.

I have felt God saying to me, if you just trust me, I can unleash you and unleash your ministry. But until you give it to me it will always be a struggle.

And so I want to give it to Him.

I don’t know what you’re struggling with today. I don’t know what you’re trying to do in your own strength, because everyone tells you that you must. But no one can do things as well as God can. So trust Him, and stop worrying. That’s hard for this Type A personality, but I’m yielding, even if it’s slowly.

And that’s what I’ve learned this weekend.

Related posts:

Why I Blog: Live Deliberately
I’m in the Top 10 Christian Women Blogs!
Monday Musings

Thank You All So Much…

I just wanted to thank you all so much for the encouragement after my post on Friday (Bloggers are People, Too). I’ve been overwhelmed by the comments and emails.

God has spoken to me a lot this weekend, and I’m going to write a post sharing what He’s said tomorrow. In a nutshell, I think a lot of the angst I’ve been feeling has not just been caused by negative comments; it’s more a question of purpose and not knowing what I’m aiming for. I straightened that out with God last night.

So I have been convicted–just not about being judgmental!

You have all blessed me so much. You have no idea. I want to take tomorrow and reread all the comments slowly and reread all the emails and soak them in.

I will continue to blog, but I think I may actually do it better this time, because I feel as if a big burden has been lifted off of me (the desire for approval) and I’m finally free.

More later. But for tonight, thank you.

Related posts:

Bloggers are People, Too
On Finding One’s Place in the Online World
Getting to Know Some To Love, Honor and Vacuum Readers!

Reader Question of the Week: Mission “Impasse”able?

Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week a reader asks a hard question about arrows in her quiver.

(Keep in mind this post really isn’t about a debate over birth control. It’s fine to mention it, but let’s not get into whether it’s ethical. It’s really more about how do  you come to agreement on something so important when you have different opinions.)

I really want more children, but my husband doesn’t. The reasons he gives are that we don’t have the money and that we already have a child with special needs. But I just feel as if our family isn’t done yet. How do we break this impasse? I don’t want to mourn the baby I could have had my whole life.

What advice would you give?

Don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman!

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Wait, He’s Watching THAT?
Reader Question of the Week: Keeping a Schedule
Reader Question of the Week: Is it Trust or Accountability?